TDS Time Machine | RFK Jr.: Immune to Normal

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

The Kennedys, an American dynasty, the Kardashians of the capital.

We choose to go to the moon.

For over a century, the steady hand of the Kennedy family has led America through its greatest challenges.

The hope still lives and the dream shall never die.

They aren't just in politics, they are politics.

And in 2024, our abnormal times call for an abnormal Kennedy.

I don't like wearing shoes.

I never have.

This is the daily showography of Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.,

immune to normal.

Bobby Kennedy Jr.

was born in 1954 into the most prestigious clan of wait is that arnold schwarzenegger and chris pratt how powerful is this family anyway there he is no there no there you're there the third of senator robert kennedy's 11 children and the one lucky enough to share his name despite his proximity to power bobby jr wasn't initially drawn to the family business have you committed yourself to the political future I don't think so.

We can't all go into politics.

It would turn out to be the first of many things he would be wrong about.

As a young man, Bobby's unique personal story landed him a spot at Harvard.

Such amazing luck.

After studying law at the University of Virginia, he became an assistant district attorney in Manhattan before pausing to take part in a personal research trial of a promising new drug called heroin.

Rehab and court ordered community service had him cleaning up both himself and pollution in the Hudson River, which led him to a career in environmental law.

The project that I work on is river protection.

While most environmentalists are about as effective as a Trump gag order, RFK Jr.

was massively successful, winning huge cases with his team of young law students and earning him the title Hero for the Planet.

And that's the end of this great man's story.

Wait, there's more?

Oh, shit.

A year ago.

In 2005, a woman came to RFK Jr.

with an unbelievable story.

Her son had gotten autism from childhood vaccines.

And while normal people don't believe unbelievable stories, Kennedy was sold.

After doing his own research, he published his findings in the acclaimed medical journal Rolling Stone, where it was the second most important article of the month.

Despite having been completely wrong, Kennedy doubled down.

There's no vaccine that is, you know, safe and effective.

Indeed, he developed a natural immunity to all criticisms.

You've said previously that no vaccine is safe or effective, which is...

I've never said that.

You did say that in a podcast interview in July.

As his ideas spread and spread and spread, RFK Jr.

gained potency.

For him, this fight is personal.

You can hear it in his voice.

We ought to be debating the science.

Which was damaged by a neurological condition called spasmodic dysphonia.

While doctors weren't sure how he contracted the disease, Kennedy did his own research and, surprise, blamed his annual flu shot.

It occurred to me that this might be a vaccine injury.

I don't know,

but it's certainly a possibility.

Hey, who hasn't gone on WebMD and thought, oh shit, I definitely have that.

And then came his big moment, the COVID vaccine.

When RFK Jr.

rolled up his sleeves, It was to fight.

This is the deadliest vaccine ever made.

As one of the most influential voices against vaccines he truly put the flu in influencer mainstream meat and that's when the censorship started and i've been silenced in you know many many ways in the face of this silencing there was only one thing kennedy could do to get his message out i've come here today

to announce my candidacy for the democratic nomination for president of the united states kennedy could deny his fate no longer Like a microchip from the COVID vaccine, politics was in his DNA.

And compared to his rivals, Kennedy isn't just fit for office.

He's straight up jacked for it.

You've gone viral, not only with your message, but just your sheer

masculinity.

Take that, big farmer.

This is a level of physical fitness you only get from clean living, natural foods, and take

testosterone replacements.

Okay.

So he takes little steroids, but it's organic, farm-to-table steroids.

When I started this campaign, normally a a Kennedy on the ballot would coast on his family name, but Bobby Jr.

is not normal.

Partly because much of his family is actually opposing him, especially after he dropped out of the Democratic primary to run as an independent, but also because this Kennedy is a man of the people, living simply in Hollywood with Larry David's wife.

And yes, he has name recognition, but he also has broad appeal, championing liberal ideas, conservative ideas, and every conspiracy theory theory known to man.

COVID-19 attacks certain races.

The people who are most immune are Askenaji Jews and Chinese.

All the greatest hits.

5,000 satellites alone

will be able to look at every square inch of that.

That's why nine out of ten alternative thinkers recommend RFK Jr.

for President of the United States.

A conspiracy theory is just something the government doesn't want you to hear.

There's nothing normal about the 2024 election.

And in a contest between a professional courtroom sketch model and a grandpa who wandered away from his family at the mall, Kennedy is still somehow the least normal candidate.

Somebody snapped him walking the aisles, heading to the bathroom without any shoes or socks.

Well, that's one way to do your own research.

And that's why America needs to inject Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

straight into its bloodstream.

Side effects of RFK Jr.

include nausea, measles, mouse, rubella, chickenpox, monkeypox, polo, and COVID-19.

In a new report, Robert Kennedy opens up about health issues from a quote, worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.

What?

I don't know what's worse, that RFK Jr.

had a worm that was eating his brain or that his brain is so poisoned it killed the worm.

It's so wild that we've all been joking about how RFK Jr.

must have brain worms, and then he actually has brain worms.

It's like if the weird kid in class came back from the doctor with a note saying, actually, Kyle does have stage two turd face.

Please let him get his affairs in order.

Now, the Kennedy campaign is dismissing the notion that the dead worm in their candidate's brain could cause any cognitive problems.

But the story actually came out because the New York Times found a 2012 deposition from Kennedy's divorce in which he argued that his earning power had diminished because quote, I have cognitive problems clearly.

So I guess his argument now is no, no, the worm didn't eat the president part of my brain.

Just the part that has to give my ex-wife money.

And as if this story couldn't get any weirder, it turns out that Kennedy discovered the worm because he was getting tested for brain fog and memory loss.

But doctors said it probably wasn't the worm that was causing the brain fog.

It was more likely that he had severe mercury poisoning from eating too much fish.

I mean, no wonder RFK cares so much about climate change.

He's legally a thermometer.

So how will this affect the race?

Probably not much.

I know the idealists out there would love to vote for a perfect candidate, but we live in the real world, okay?

Does RFK Jr.

have a worm in his brain?

Sure.

Trump's brain is just two possums in a squirrel.

Biden's cerebrum is riddled with slugs, you know?

Would it be nice to have a candidate whose head is full of all brain?

Sure.

And I'd love a puppy too, but Christy Noam shot it.

Grow up.

For more on the ongoing medical situation, we go live to the RFK Jr.

campaign with our own Desi Lion.

Desi!

Wow, Desi!

Worms inside a presidential candidate's head is a terrifying story.

What's the mood at the campaign?

Well, it's understandable why people are nervous, but as it turns out, brain worms are very common,

even.

In fact, some might say society would be better if everyone had worms in their brains.

Wow,

that sounds like something a worm would say.

What?

No, Jordan, it's me, a human woman.

I just think people shouldn't be so scared about embracing a symbiotic relationship with another life form,

a beautiful parasitic life form.

It's not like I'm asking you to surrender to us, surrender to to us.

All right,

you can hold, I'm genuinely concerned, Desi.

This doesn't sound like you at all, is it?

Is it possible you have a brain worm?

What?

Jordan.

No!

Of course not.

I don't know why you even say that.

Why would you say that?

You're eating soil, Desi.

You're eating, you are a worm.

Jordan, if you're suggesting that I was interviewing RFK Jr.

and he tricked me into touching our eyeballs together so a bunch of his worms could funnel into my brain's left cortex, then you are way out of line.

Way out of line.

It was just a normal interview.

It wasn't weird, okay?

Although you know what is weird?

Legs, am I right?

No.

This is horrible.

If you're in there, Desi, you have to fight the worms.

Fight the worms.

Oh my God, Jordan, stop being so paranoid.

It's just me, Desi Lordick, or whatever.

I'll tell you what, when When I get back to New York, let's just sit down together, you know, and touch eyeballs.

No,

absolutely not.

Don't threaten me, worm.

I won't tolerate that.

Oh, oh, what are you gonna do?

Fire me?

Then you're gonna have zero worms in late night.

How's that gonna look?

Uh-huh.

So you admit it, you are a worm.

So what's the end game here?

You build an army of worm people, brainwash everyone, and then get RFK elected?

Oh my god, no, Jordan, that's insane.

I mean, yes, we're building an army of worm people to take over the earth, but we're not voting for RFK.

That dude's crazy.

No fing way.

I got worms for brains, not shit for brains, okay?

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I was wrong.

Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles, and it could reactivate at any time.

I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks.

Don't learn the hard way like I did.

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today.

Sponsored by GSK.

Breaking overnight, RFK Jr.

confesses to leaving a dead bear cub in Central Park.

Why he said he did not have the time to skin and eat it.

What?

What?

I don't know what's worse, that RFK Jr.

dumped a dead dead bear cub in Central Park or that he said he only did it because he didn't have time to eat it.

Let me just back up here.

This happened back in 2014, and I remember when they found that dead bear because you find dead bodies in Central Park all the time, but

they're usually tourists, so nobody cares.

But a bear, now that's memorable.

A decade ago, a Central Park mystery baffled New Yorkers, captured headlines across the country.

Police now want to know how the bear died and how it got into the park.

Now we know.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr., the independent presidential candidate, says he brought the dead bear to Central Park.

In the videotaped confession, Kennedy recounts the strange tale to controversial comedian Roseanne Barr.

Okay.

I'm sorry, he's admitting this to Roseanne Barr

in a kitchen over a plate of flintstone ribs.

I mean, what has happened?

Does he think it'll sound more normal if he's telling it to a crazy person?

You know what?

Let's not judge him too fast.

Let's hear him tell Roseanne Barr how he ended up dumping a dead bear cub in Central Park.

I was taking a group of people falconing up in Coshen, New York, up in the Hudson Valley.

Great start.

I was out falconing with my friends.

So far, very relatable story.

A woman in a a van in front of me hit a bear and killed it, a young bear.

So I pulled on her and I picked up the bear and put him in the back of my van because I was going to skin the bear and it was very good condition and I was going to

put the meat in my refrigerator.

And you can do that in New York State.

You can get a bear tag for a roadkill bear.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You saw Paddington get T-boned and your first thought was, pause the falconing.

We got to get that bear in this car to skin and eat it, which for some reason I know is legal in this state.

Yeah, that tracks.

That tracks.

That tracks.

Sorry, keep going.

We had a really good day, and we went late.

We were catching a lot of game.

And instead of going back to my home in Westchester, I had to go right to the city because there was a dinner

at Peter Luger's steakhouse.

Yeah, all right, let's just do a quick recap.

All right.

He already spent all day hunting game with falcons.

He's on his way to eat a steak, which is a dead cow, but on the way he had to stop and pick up a dead bear.

And this is the environmental candidate?

Oh, and by the way.

And by the way, Peter Luger's steakhouse, it's a fancy steakhouse.

It's not a place where people pull up to the valet with the bear cubs hanging out of the back seat.

Hey, here's the keys.

Don't steal the rotting bear.

I'm going to to eat that.

And at the end of the dinner, it went late, and I realized I couldn't go home.

I had to go to the airport.

And the bear was in my car, and I didn't want to leave the bear in the car,

because

that would have been bad.

Yeah.

Right.

I mean, if you wouldn't want your car to smell like rotting bear, then people might think you're a sociopath, you know?

That still doesn't explain why he dumped it in Central Park.

There have been a series of bicycle accidents in New York.

They had just put in the bike lanes.

And a couple of people had gotten killed.

And it was every day, and people had gotten badly injured.

Every day it was in the press.

And I said, I had an old bike in my car that somebody asked me to get rid of it.

And I said, let's go put the bear in Central Park and we'll make it look like a idea by the way.

Fun thing for people.

Oh,

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I get it.

You were making a joke about all the people killed by bicycles.

Roseanne gets it, don't you, Roseanne?

Can you imagine how weird you have to be for Roseanne to look at you like you're crazy?

Honestly, I feel bad for her.

She probably thought she was doing a cameo on the bear.

None of this story makes sense.

If he was late to the airport, you don't drive into the heart of Manhattan to dump a dead bear.

You dump it in the East River.

Or you just bring it on the airplane.

You call it your emotional support bear carcass.

They'll let it on.

Look, I will say this: I am one of those people who hates the two-party system, but if this is the candidate of the third party, I say, screw it, let's just have a king.

For more on this extremely strange story, let's go out to RFK headquarters with Desi Leidick.

Desi.

Desi,

this is a really disturbing story RFK told.

Well actually Costa, the campaign is feeling quite confident about how RFK handled this potential PR crisis.

It's like he saw a story by the side of the road and said, I can make a meal out of this.

So RFK thinks that filming that video with Roseanne Bart was a good thing?

Oh, absolutely.

By telling the story to a comedian, he transformed it from disturbing story to funny anecdote.

And word is, he's sticking with that strategy going forward.

In fact, I'm hearing that he just confessed that he was the diarrhea guy who did diarrhea on that diarrhea plane.

Wait, that plane last year that landed because a guy had diarrhea all over the island?

RFK, was it that guy?

That's right, that's right.

He just sat down in Rob Schneider's garage to tell him this story.

See, he was falconing along the Hudson when he found a bunch of loose deli meats by the river, and he was going to throw it out, but he was running late, so he just ate all of it,

jumped on the plane, and the rest is history.

Yeah, a lot of people would be embarrassed, but RFK is just putting it all out there, just like he did on that plane.

You know,

this is a lot for the American people to process right after the bear thing.

Yeah, I know, I know, but just wait until they hear about how he caused the BP oil spill in 2010.

Deepwater Horizon, he caused that.

Calm down.

He just finished explaining it in Adam Carolla's gazebo.

It's a funny story.

See, what happened was RFK was flamingoing upstate,

and then he came across a lion giving birth.

He wanted to collect the placenta in mason jars for smoothies, but he had a train to catch in six and a half minutes.

Desi, Desi, Desi, what are you even talking about?

These aren't cute, charming stories.

They're bizarre and creepy.

Oh, well, you are not going to like the Twitch live stream he did from Carrot Top's Tomato Garden.

Oh, my God.

What did he even talk about?

Oh, oh, this one's real fun.

See, what happened was RFK was swan-tipping upstate.

He worked up quite the appetite because those swans don't go down without a fight.

So he scoured the local highway for food, but sadly, nothing adorable had been hit by a car.

Then he realized he was already on a flight to Wuhan, where he then went to a wet market with no shoes on.

Desi, are you telling me RFK started the COVID pandemic by going barefoot in a wet market?

Well when you put it that way it's much less funny.

I mean you know Roseanne.

Desi Linek everyone.

There was a time when election stories would really get me upset but now I'm better at staying calm.

Huh?

Huh?

Okay.

So let's see what's going on with the election.

Third-party candidates could prove to have a major impact in this next presidential election.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

is polling higher than any independent or third-party candidate in more than 30 years.

It's not like RFK is going to win, but he could hurt Joe Biden from winning.

Oh, well, that's not good.

But, you know,

it's really not good.

You know,

the race is tight enough

as it is without without some random Kennedy dude jumping in to cause all kinds of chaos.

But you know what?

That's democracy.

Okay?

Everyone got a right to run for office.

And who knows?

Who knows?

This dude might actually have some good ideas.

Kennedy, the candidate best known for his anti-vaccine advocacy and history of promoting ugly conspiracy theories.

He's linked chemicals in our water supply to gender dysphoria, antidepressants to school shootings, and insisted COVID vaccines were a tool to control people via microchips.

RFK Jr.

said last week that somehow COVID-19 was engineered to not target Asians and Ashkenazi Jews.

Jesus wept.

That doesn't make me happy.

But then again, it's a free country, Okay?

Everyone has the right to believe in what they believe.

See?

See?

I did it.

I did it.

I didn't lose my shit.

Robert Kennedy, I did it.

I didn't lose over Robert Kennedy.

I'm so proud of myself.

We did it, everybody.

Yes.

Now, is there anything else I need to know?

A recent photo on a flight is sparking an age-old debate.

Is it ever okay to remove your shoes on a plane?

Passenger snapped this photo of Presidential Hopeful Robert Kennedy Jr.

with no shoes and key point here, no socks.

Kennedy was actually coming back from the bathroom with no shoes, no socks.

I tried, y'all saw me, right?

Y'all all saw me.

Y'all saw I tried, right?

You witnessed me trying.

Now I'm about to go in on that ass.

This motherfucker went to the

he went to the plain bathroom barefooted.

This is the most disturbing video I have ever seen of a Kennedy and that includes the one where a guy's head explodes

Like how are you the worst Kennedy?

Your uncle killed a lady by driving off a bridge.

But then I see your nasty feet.

And I wish I was in that car.

The only reason you should come out of a plain bathroom barefoot is if you got robbed in there by someone who only needs socks and shoes.

And he, he doesn't, he doesn't even believe in vaccines.

How far have the Kennedys fallen?

JFK was raw dogging Marilyn Monroe, but the only thing this Kennedy is raw dogging is tetanus.

Why?

Was that plane even allowed to land?

Where is the Malaysian pilot when you need him?

And you know what?

And you know what else?

You know what else?

One more thing.

You for stealing Larry David's wife.

The 2024 race has been going on for about 60 years now.

And for me, the worst part was having to hear about RFK Jr.

and all the weird things he does with animals.

I mean, we had to learn how he grills goat skeletons and how he picks up dead bears and dumps it in in Central Park and how his head is a cemetery for brain-eating worms.

But last month he dropped out of the race and thank Buddha because now I don't have to listen to any more of his weird animal shit.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

is now under federal investigation for allegedly decapitating a dead whale and taking the head home.

What is going on?

Dude, is there any animal on earth you won't mutilate?

I mean, keep that creep the hell away from Mudang.

Now he's under federal investigation for whale beheading.

And I have so many questions.

I mean, for instance, how do you know where the head starts?

I mean,

where does the tide go?

Does it go like up here?

Is it like down after the fins?

I mean, the whole animal is a head.

And also, I didn't even know the government had an agency for whale crimes.

They must have been so happy to get this case.

I mean,

I bet that morning they were like, guys, guys, I think we're going to have to shut down.

There's just not enough whale crimes to justify our budget.

So you're all fired in three, two, whoa, wait, hang on, the phone is ringing.

Yes, yes, yes, you can be right there.

Yes, okay, we might have to rearrange our schedule, but just wait for us.

And by the way, if you're wondering how he brought the whale head home, well, it's as gross as you think.

The longtime conservationist allegedly sawed the head off a dead whale back in 1994 after it washed up on a Massachusetts beach.

Kennedy reportedly cut off the whale's head and then bungee corded it to the roof of the family minivan before driving it across state lines to bring it back to his New York home so he could study the skull.

RFK's daughter, Kit Kennedy, originally shared the fishy anecdote more than a decade ago.

She said every time they accelerated, quote, whale juice poured into the windows.

How can you be in the same family as Ted Kennedy and still have the worst driving story in the family?

RFK Jr.

keeps saying that vaccines caused his health problems, but hey, maybe you think it's from inhaling Kai exhaust and shamu jism for eight hours.

My big question is, what the hell did RFK do with the whale's head?

I mean, I sold the great head to me!

Wait.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Today!

A hardy whaler who scours the wine dark seas for its blubbery base.

Okay, wait, hold on.

Are you some sort of old-timey fisherman?

Sure.

Don't you see the beard and the pipe?

The seas were angry that some were more in the seas.

I don't need a whole sea shanty, okay?

Are you saying that you buy whale heads from RFK Jr.?

Why would you do that?

Well, if you know of a better way to get whale juice, I'm all ears,

two-legged land lover.

Okay, King, just tell me, what do you even do with a whale's head?

What don't I do with them?

Their oil fuse the gas lamps from Nantucket, their bones make fine corsets for the lasses of New Bedford, and the blowholes are nature's fleshlights.

Okay, wow, that's

that is gross.

Oh, someone likes to kink shame, don't they, huh?

Get with the times, man.

It's 1824.

The point is, I need more whale heads, so spread the word across the seven seas.

A gold doubloon to any greenhorn who brings me the skull of the leviathan okay i don't think doubloons are legal tender anymore okay fine crypto then either way

it'll buy you many a blowhole for the lonely nights at sea

listen old-timey sailor decapitating whales is wrong it doesn't have to be a whale any creature of the sea will earn you me treasure the tentacles of an octopus the jaws of a great white the head of the orphan clownfish they call nemo and

an extra doubloon to any man who brings me the giant squid of the deep so I can make her my bride.

What?

Did you just say you're going to marry a squid?

What did I say about King Charming, man?

Oh, yeah, Logo, you sound like you really know RFK Jr.

really, really well, okay?

So, are you going to be voting for him?

No.

I collect the severed heads of whales.

I'm not a lunatic.

The key that I think

President Trump has promised me is

control of the public health agencies, which are HHS and its sub-agencies,

CDC, FDA, NIH, and a few others, and then also the USDA,

which

is key to making America healthy.

Great.

That sounds like the healthiest man in America, everybody.

You too can sound like that

when I'm in charge of everything.

To be fair, RFK Jr.

is actually pretty healthy.

I mean he's 70 years old and that's like 850 in Kennedy years.

But still

how is this guy gonna be in charge of food quality?

I mean they found a dead worm in his brain.

So even his skull can't get a higher rating than a C.

Of all the characters in this election, this guy is the scariest because he doesn't believe in vaccines or pasteurizing milk.

He thinks antidepressants cause school shootings and that COVID was engineered to not affect Jews.

And he thinks chemicals in the water make kids trans.

And Trump is going to put him in charge of all the health and food and medicine.

I mean, surely Trump will at least put some limits on what he can do, right?

Like, Donald, you're not going to just let this guy go wild, are you?

I'm going to let him go wild on health.

I'm going to let him go wild on the food.

I'm gonna let him go wild on medicines.

Wait, how are you gonna let him go wild on medicine?

Like,

what, you're gonna let him dip his balls in the cough syrup?

For more on what RFK could do in a Trump presidency, let's go live to CDC headquarters with Jordan Clepper.

Jordan, Jordan,

why is the media paying attention to Joe Biden's gaffes when RFK running the CDC sounds like a much bigger deal?

Good question, Ronnie.

It's because focusing on institutions like the CDC is what we in the media call boring.

No one wants to hear the overly complex details about how RFK is going to unvaccinate people by clamping down on their arms and sucking out their injections like it's a snake bite.

Wait, wait, would that even work?

Look, you're getting lost in the weeds, Ronnie.

The real scoop is that this morning, Joe Biden said he hopes Kamala becomes president of the United States.

President?

Are you fing kidding me?

What is going on here?

Well, I promise to get to the bottom of it in my new primetime special, All the President's Men.

Wait, wait, Jordan, sorry, sorry.

Could we go back to what was that thing you said about RFK undoing my vaccination?

I don't know.

I zoned out.

It was something about summoning the power of the U.S.

military to go door to door and yada, yada, yada, yada.

I don't know.

Wait, military?

Military?

You mean RFK will have access to like tanks and shit?

I don't know.

I didn't ask too many follow-ups because there's so much Joe Biden news coming out.

Like this afternoon, Biden said we need to respect the will of the voters.

The voters?

What?

This guy is all in for the 1%.

Okay.

Jordan, I mean, it's obvious that he meant the voters.

Ooh, controversy.

Now we're really getting into it.

We'll find out more in my two-part special, Vote or Die.

Will democracy sink or swim?

Okay, okay, Jonathan, Jonathan, no one cares about these gaffes or your dumb specials, okay?

How about the issues that are going to affect day-to-day life?

RFK Jr.

could be in charge of like school lunches.

True, true.

Although I wouldn't worry too much about that.

RFK told me that instead of school lunch, kids will forage for bear meat in Central Park.

Okay, that sounds incredibly unhealthy.

Yeah, if you find a bad bear, sure.

Okay, wait,

Okay, did he talk about how he was gonna implement this?

I don't know.

It's not my job to ask.

It is.

Your the media is literally the one thing you're supposed to do.

Okay, stop getting distracted by all this meaningless Biden shit and focus on informing the people on the issues that matter.

Wow.

Hard truths, Ronnie.

Hard truths.

You know, you're right.

I need to focus more on truly informing the public.

And I'll do so in my new three-part mini-series, a complex look at RFK's history of intervention within the medical system, undermining public trust in our institutions while paving the way for the current national anti-science movement.

Yeah,

that sounds a little boring.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

Forget it.

Check out my 12-part retrospective on that one-time Biden mispronounced SCOTUS as Scrotum.

Falls in your court, an American story.

Today is a big day for Donald Trump's cabinet and the government one, not the one filled with golf trophies he gave himself.

That's because today was the world's weirdest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm,

also known as Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.'s confirmation hearing to lead the Department of Health.

And look, we all remember the stories about this guy from the campaign, the dead bear cub he dumped in Central Park, the time he sawed off the head of a dead whale and tied it to the roof of his car, the worm that died after eating part of his brain.

Basically, if there's an animal corpse anywhere in America, RFK Jr.

is probably involved.

But what most people are most concerned about when it comes to RFK Jr.

is this long history of speaking out against vaccines.

And I'm not talking your run-of-the-mill concerns like, should I still get a flu shot if I don't care about getting other people sick?

Or do I need an HPV vaccine if I only do hand stuff?

I'm talking about RFK Jr.

saying things like autism is caused by vaccines or that it's just not true that vaccines are why smallpox, measles, and polio were eradicated or that there are no vaccines that are safe and effective.

Basically, putting this guy in charge of America's vaccines is like making Elon Musk a Walmart greeter.

Honestly, I'm going to tell

RFK Jr.

the same thing I tell myself every morning before I host the daily show.

You are not qualified for this job.

Don't clap at that.

Don't clap at that.

Shit.

You're clapping because I am.

And that's why medical experts around the country are sounding the alarm.

Ahead of the hearings, more than 15,000 doctors have signed a letter urging senators to vote against confirming him.

Whoa, 15,000 doctors signed this letter.

Of course, we don't know who they are because they all just signed it like this.

But that's a big number.

And even his own family is coming out against him, not only because of his medical views, he's also just not right in the old worm chamber.

Caroline Kennedy, RFK Jr.'s first cousin and the daughter of President John F.

Kennedy, warning the senators tasked with confirming her cousin to be the nation's health secretary that they should vote no.

I've known Bobby my whole life.

We grew up together.

It's no surprise that he keeps birds of prey as pets because Bobby himself is a predator.

His basement, his garage, his dorm room were always the center of the action.

Center of the action?

Cool dorm room.

What's wrong with that?

All right.

And while you answer, I'll just take a sip of this delicious delicious looking smoothie that RFK Jr.

sent me his basement his garage his dorm room were always the center of the action where drugs were available and he enjoyed showing off how he put baby chickens and mice in a blender to feed to his hawks

He was putting baby chickens and mice in a blender?

And ladies, you thought it was bad when a guy brought you back to his dorm room and busted out a guitar.

Now, I'm not sure her statement will have much sway because, first of all, blending food, that's just how you feed a hawk.

If you've ever looked at their nest, you see they have a little neutra bullet right in there.

And also, we all have a crazy cousin.

It's the cousin rule of three, right?

There's a crazy one, a quiet one, and one that we secretly think is hot.

What's up, Stephanie?

But for real, are there no stories where Kennedy interacts with an animal like a normal person?

Just once I want someone to be like, yeah, one time RFK went up to a dog and rubbed his belly.

Instead, every story is like, and that's when RFK kicked a miniature horse in his vagina.

But with all this baggage,

his vagina but with all this baggage

RFK Jr.

had one important thing he had to do when he sat down for his hearing today just try and sound slightly normal for like two hours take it away Bobby what do you really believe about vaccines I believe that

that vaccines play a critical role in health care All of my kids are vaccinated.

Man, that velvet voice is good enough for me.

What are you going to believe?

His well-documented decades-long record or the thing he said today when he was trying to get a job?

Besides, all his kids are vaccinated.

He definitely doesn't regret that, right?

Right?

What would I do if I could go back in time and I could

avoid giving my children the vaccines that I gave them?

I would do anything for that.

I would pay anything to be able to do that.

That is the worst answer to what you would do with a time machine that I have ever heard.

You can't think of anyone else in your family that you would go back in time

and try

and try

and try to prevent

a shot from happening.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr., no one else?

Which reminds me, you know what I've done?

If I would have had a time machine, I would have gone back and made sure Stephanie and I weren't cousins.

What's up, Stephanie?

All right, let's get back on track because Kennedy was trying to present himself as a new man, but a lot of senators seemed determined to make sure he didn't run too far from his past.

Did you say Lyme disease is a highly likely militarily engineered bioweapon?

I probably did say that.

Did you say that COVID-19 was a genetically engineered bioweapon that targets black and white people but spared Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people?

I didn't say it was deliberately targeted.

Did you write in your book, and it's undeniable, that

African AIDS is an entirely different disease from Western AIDS?

Yes or no, Mr.

Kennedy?

I'm not sure if I've AIDS.

Jesus Christ, this guy has said so many things that he can't remember if he said black AIDS is different from white AIDS.

White AIDS is so bland.

And they put raisins in it.

Don't bring that white AIDS to my cookout.

This is...

You guys aren't sure how to react to the voice?

This is the story of the hearing.

Senators would question him on past statements and he would deny them.

Now, one senator, though, actually brought receipts, adorable receipts.

Your organization is making money selling a child's product to parents for 26 bucks, which casts fundamental doubt on the usefulness of vaccines.

One of them is titled Unfaxed, Unafraid.

Next one is No Vax, No Problem.

Are you supportive of this clothing, which is militantly anti-vaccine?

I am supportive of vaccines.

Are you supportive of these ones?

Wow.

Wow.

I never realized how much I would enjoy Bernie Sanders talking about baby clothes.

And these little corduroy dungarees.

Why do they have pockets?

A baby doesn't need to carry around a wallet or car keys.

Do you support that?

But look, I'm not a doctor, and I have no basis for my medical opinions, much like RFK Jr.

So if we're going to criticize him, then in the interest of fairness, we here at the Daily Show want to hear from one of his supporters.

So for a different perspective, please welcome the polio virus.

Hello!

Hello, Michael.

Thank you so much for having me on.

Let's hug.

No, that's okay.

That's okay, Polio.

I don't want to get you, but how...

How are you feeling after watching the hearings today?

I feel reborn, Michael.

Energized.

I am am excited to get back to work across America.

We should celebrate.

Let's breathe on each other.

No, no.

I don't want to get polio.

I know the damage you've done to millions of Americans.

Millions of amazing Americans.

Take FDR, for example.

I gave that man something to overcome, you know?

I gave him a signature look.

The wheelchair blanket combo.

That was all me.

Oh, how about Francis Ford Coppola?

He had polio?

Yes, and if he hadn't, who knows if he would have gone on and make that movie Megalopolis?

That's your Francis Ford Coppola movie?

I know, I know.

Yeah, most people say Godfather Part 3, but...

No, they don't.

You know, this is the same thing with RFK.

I remember what you've done, and you're not going to be able to trick me into being so friendly right now.

Friendly?

That's so sweet.

Let's kiss.

No, no, thank you.

Fine, fine.

Just let me spit in your mouth a little.

No, no.

Look,

I promise it's not going to be like polio was before, you know, with all the canceled pool parties and the iron lungs.

They're so clunky.

I am working with a whole new team for my comeback this time.

Your team?

Yes.

RFK Jr., the Trad Wife community,

Justin Baldoni's Crisis PR firm.

Okay,

I think life would be better if you didn't come back at all.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Can we just talk about it over drinks?

Maybe we share a toothbrush.

Stop trying to infect me, polio.

This is my purpose, Michael.

And you need to get on board because RFK is going to be confirmed and I'm going to be everywhere.

Schools, hospitals, plane, bus, club, another club, another club.

I get it.

I get it.

I get it.

The point is, thanks to RFK Jr., I'm coming back.

So you better kiss your little legs goodbye because once I get in those neurons, I'm going to.

Sorry, excuse me.

I'm going to be ruining all of

Polio.

Wait, are you all right?

Yeah, so I just, I keep coughing and I'm getting red splotches all over my body.

It sounds like you have measles.

Did you get your measles vaccine?

No.

RFK Jr.

said I didn't need one.

Did he not know what he was talking about?

Oh no!

I'm disappearing.

I need true love's kiss.

Michael, hurry, lick my tongue.

Oh, you know what?

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