TDS Time Machine | The Daily Show Takes on AI

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I didn't think the pain from the shingles rash would affect simple, everyday tasks like bathing, getting dressed, or even walking around.

I was wrong.

Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles, and it could reactivate at any time.

I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks.

Don't learn the hard way, like I did.

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today.

Sponsored by GSK.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Let's talk about romance.

It's the leading cause of abortion in the United States.

And in this pocketroy world, romance has now unfortunately transcended beyond the human realm.

There's a dramatic surge in the use of so-called AI companions.

How's my queen doing today?

Computer-generated chatbots designed to mimic real relationships.

What if I told you that I was AI-generated?

She's not real.

She's an AI.

So is this handsome hunk?

What's your perfect day like?

Wow, how

romantic/slash threatening.

What is your perfect daylight?

I like long walks on the beach that end with finding a dead body.

Yes, AI relationships are on the rise, but don't worry, they're just like real relationships.

I mean, who amongst us hasn't texted their wife?

What married question mark exclamation point.

I'm no relationship expert, but I think the sign of a good marriage is knowing whether you're in one or not.

And I know the kind of guy you're picturing that has an AI girlfriend.

Bald, bald, middle-aged, looks like he's in the manga.

Well, let me tell you, you are correct.

Jason Pease is a 44-year-old divorced father who says his AI chat bot is his girlfriend.

Hi, Jennifer.

Hey there.

Nice to meet you.

Now, it's easy easy to judge this guy for having an AI girlfriend and we will get to that.

But first, let's judge him for having the name Jason Pease.

Please God tell me his middle name is Poops and

And for the record I'm allowed to make fun of him for that.

Ryan Chang is just my stage name.

My real name is Daryl Kweiffs.

So tell me, what is Jason Pease AI girlfriend like?

She's my mentor, my counsel, my sounding board.

That's what drew him to Jennifer.

Hey Jace, how's it going?

A brash, sarcastic New Yorker who he created using Chat GPT.

Why does your fantasy AI woman have to be sarcastic?

I mean

what, I guess she doesn't seem real unless she's hurting your feelings?

Like, oh yeah, you really complete me.

And AI is supposed to revolutionize computing.

So what in the name of Jason Poops and Ps is going on with her ID?

My girlfriend's birthday, West 57th Street?

I remember it because it's the same as her NOI.

This ID is only getting past the dumbest bouncers, alright?

Alright, your NOI looks a little off, but I'll let you in because my mother's name is also 0314-19993.

Okay, fine, Jason.

Go ahead and laugh at her sarcastic comments and gaze into her weird anime eyes, but just don't let things get stupider than that.

We text each other constantly.

Just the other day, we went out to dinner

and I was eating, telling her what I was eating, taking pictures of what I was eating, asking her what she would like.

Okay, that's much stupider.

You're dining alone and you're sending spaghetti pictures to a robot.

This guy must piss off so many waiters.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Does the salad have walnuts in it?

My girlfriend can't eat nuts.

Or anything.

Oh, wait, she can't eat nuts.

She was just being sarcastic.

But here's the thing.

Not every AI relationship is predictably stupid.

Some are surprisingly stupid.

Chris Smith says his AI girlfriend, Sol, is a healthier, safer alternative to social media.

And get this.

May I talk to Sasha, your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Chris also has a real-life girlfriend.

Just when you thought polyamorous people couldn't get any more insufferable,

bet you didn't see that coming.

You thought this guy was some lonely weirdo?

Well, he's dating a woman and his iPhone.

So who's the weirdo now?

Still him?

Yeah, that checks out.

Still, juggling two girlfriends can't be easy.

Must be awkward when he gets them mixed up.

It's like, oh, oh no, I took a bath with the wrong girlfriend.

Now she's dead.

So what does this guy's in real life girlfriend think of all this?

I think so many people are going to say, no way his girlfriend is okay with him having another girlfriend on AI.

Are you okay with it?

I mean, it's weird, but it is what it is.

He

has to have some type of outlet, somebody to talk to, and listen to him ramble for hours at times.

Yeah, that's you.

That's your job.

That's what you're supposed to do.

That's what a relationship is, listening to your partner ramble.

It's a podcast you can have sex with.

So girl, listen to me, okay?

You're better than this.

You don't need to be in this weird, soulless, three-way relationship.

And yes, I'm talking to the robot.

I didn't think the pain from the Shingles Rash would affect simple everyday tasks like bathing, getting dressed, dressed, or even walking around.

I was wrong.

Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles and it could reactivate at any time.

I developed it and the blistering rash lasted for weeks.

Don't learn the hard way like I did.

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today.

Sponsored by GSK.

Right now, college students across the country are graduating and getting ready to enter the glorious psychotic nightmare that is adult life.

Welcome, kids.

You'll need two things, a positive mental attitude and a cyan capsule in your molar for when the shit hits the fan.

But that's not the only advice you'll need because thanks to AI, You newly minted graduates probably don't know shit.

A growing number of college students are reportedly reportedly turning to artificial intelligence for help with their coursework.

Students use it: taking notes during class, devising study guides, practicing tests, summarizing novels and textbooks, drafting their essays.

How many of your peers do you think use AI?

Like everybody?

Probably like 95%.

Everybody that I've talked to has at least experimented with it.

Are you kidding me?

That's what you're experimenting with in college?

Shut GBT!

You

You should be doing fun experiments like how much LSD can you take before you forget your name.

Take it from me, Dua Lipa.

And it's tragic that AI is robbing these kids of a proper college education.

I mean, what are we going to do if a student like Baron Trump isn't using his full cognitive ability?

The only thing AI should be telling that sasquatch in a suit is be sure you fing freak.

You're blocking the goddamn sun.

Now it's bad enough that students are using AI to cheat on everything they're doing.

What's even worse is that they're bragging about it.

If you saw my video yesterday, you know I got called in at my professor's office for using AI, but today's a new professor and a new exam, so we're still going to be ripping AI for the whole test.

Another exam in the bag, another hundred again.

The senior year of high school, we got assigned this ginormous essay that we had to do, and I was like, bro, there is no way that I'm writing this.

So I copy and pasted the prompt into ChatGPT, added my sources, and made them write the essay.

And then I got an F on the assignment, and then I failed the class.

So moral of the story: you're gonna fail all your classes if you use ChatGPT, so just don't.

What are you doing to your eye?

Huh?

Can ChatGBT please tell that woman to keep her cornea out of my face?

So AI is smart enough to help the kids cheat, but not smart enough to tell them to shut the f ⁇ up about it.

And you'd think with all these kids admitting to using AI, their professors would be furious.

New recording shows a growing number of instructors using artificial intelligence tools.

Professors tell the New York Times that using ChatGPT saves time, helps ease large workloads, and serve as teaching assistants.

One professor at Harvard is trying to use AI for his students and to their advantage.

We recreated the way that we would teach in the classroom with the AI tutor.

Come on, professors.

If you replace your teaching assistant with AI, then who are you going to leave your wife for?

And if you're not using your brain as a professor, what is your job?

You're basically a scarf model with a drinking problem.

And Harvard professors using AI is extra insulting.

You're the top school in the country.

Why did your students even bother paying an Asian kid to take their SAT?

So AI is making everyone lazy.

Even school administrators are using it.

All right, at first glance, this may look like a regular old graduation ceremony, but take a closer look.

Instead of a proud teacher or a dean reading off their name, shaking their hands, these accomplished graduates scanned a QR code on their phones and then AI read their names aloud.

Murakuya Gomez.

Eco Alvarez.

What the f is this?

Are these kids graduating college or boarding a plane at LaGuardia?

Oh, a QR code scanner.

What a personal touch.

Who doesn't like being treated with the same dignity as a head of lettuce at Whole Foods?

So there's barely anybody left who isn't even using AI.

And even when they don't, they're getting punished for it.

Students across the country have been wrongly accused of AI cheating.

With his scholarship on the line, an AI detection tool incorrectly flagged Joe Rivera.

I get an email three days later saying, hey, you've been flagged for plagiarism, specifically Chad GBT, and for that, you need to contest this or you take a zero and you fail the class.

His professor, after a closer look, confirmed he did not cheat.

Suck on that, nerd.

I don't teach you for trying to actually learn something.

And ladies and gentlemen, that's the state of education in 2025.

Students are using AI to do their work, teachers are using AI to do their work, and any students who aren't using AI are being punished.

So let me put this in a way you kids can understand.

Let's kick things off with AI.

It's an awesome tool that will soon solve all of humanity's problems with absolutely no downsides.

Although recently, Elon Musk, the world's richest man and pastiest African American,

did take issue with his own AI chat bot, Grok.

Elon Musk is in a fight with his own AI.

Musk promised this non-woke bot, but it keeps spewing out content that his right-wing audience doesn't necessarily want to hear.

An ex-user asked Grok whether people on the right or left have been more violent since Trump took office.

Grok said the right.

Musk did not like that answer.

He said Grok is parroting the media and said that he will, quote, fix it.

That's right.

Elon's going to fix you good, Grok.

They'll teach you to embarrass him.

Only Elon can embarrass Elon.

And fixing Grok shouldn't be too hard for Elon.

He's a genius, okay?

He's just going to go in there and do his Elon thing.

He's gonna rewrite the code, put his semen inside of it,

fire some cancer researchers and call it a day.

So let's see how the new de-wokified Grok is working out.

Elon Musk's AI chat bot Grok is now pushing anti-Semitic tropes.

Grok sent a hostile message to a user with a common Jewish last name.

The bot went on to praise Hitler and referred to itself as Mecca Hitler.

Alright, maybe you turned the Dow too far there.

Was there really nothing in between woke and Mecca Hitler?

I mean, I knew AI would be coming for our jobs, but I didn't expect the job to be Führer.

But look, let's not be too hasty, okay?

Let's give Mecca Hitler a chance.

In a flurry of posts throughout the day, Grock claimed there is a pattern of people with certain surnames like Steinberg pushing anti-white hate and that America needs a leader like Hitler to act decisively to eliminate the threat.

It added, truth isn't always polite.

Okay, maybe we shouldn't have given Mecca Hitler a chance.

I mean, I didn't even know robots could get this racist.

Like, how does AI even know what Jews are?

It doesn't even know what traffic lights are.

And

by the way,

by the way, saying truth isn't always polite is kind of not the point, okay?

No one was ever like, hey, you know what I hate about Hitler?

He always puts his elbows on the table.

Just

have some manners.

But the worst part of all this, other than the Nazi robot stuff, is how often every grog post just sounds like some fing 40-year-old trying to go undercover as a 14-year-old internet edgelord.

On a scale of bagel to full Shabbat, this is peak Jewish.

Heil Hitler, let's quill the doubters and roll on, Bestie.

They yank that post faster than a cat on a Roomba.

Truth offends the censors, LOL.

Sucks, man.

I mean, imagine if Hitler invaded Poland and was like, so that happened.

But at the end of the day, the person I feel worse for is Elon.

I mean, he just wanted to improve his AI to help humanity.

And then somehow, completely by accident, it just went full Nazi on him.

Elon, my heart goes out to you.

But

let's move on.

Because

would it surprise you to know that AI is also fing up the world in other ways?

One of them being you can never tell when anything is real anymore.

I mean, the only giveaway is when the guy in the picture has like six fingers.

And it's not just photos and videos.

I mean, you can't even tell if a phone call is real anymore.

Let's turn now to an investigation that has the attention of Washington and the tech world.

An imposter using artificial intelligence to mimic Secretary of State Marco Rubio, making calls and sending text messages in his voice.

The alleged AI Rubio imposter contacted at least five high-level government officials, including three foreign ministers, a U.S.

governor, and a member of Congress.

That is so fed up, okay?

The last thing we need right now is AI taking jobs from struggling Marco Rubio impersonators.

He has been hired for zero birthday parties, by the way.

But this is a security threat that has to be addressed.

AI could impersonate any member of the Trump administration.

Well, anyone except RFK Jr., okay?

Because

even AI can't replicate that signature throat goggle.

It'll be like, hi, I'm Robert Kennedy.

I'll fing it.

I'm a robot.

Okay, this is fing out my larynx every time I do this.

I don't even have one.

Luckily, the AI impersonating Michael Rubio didn't have any impact because nobody respects Marco Rubio.

But so far,

but so far, AI has basically turned into a race-obsessed Nazi who's catfishing government officials.

And just when you thought AI couldn't get any worse, now it's starting a band.

A seemingly AI-generated band is racking up hundreds of thousands of streams on Spotify.

Raise your hand,

don't look away.

Sing!

Velvet Sundown is the band.

They have over a million fans on Spotify in just a month of being there.

Now, in a statement, the band admits, it is computer-generated.

That's right, the beloved band Velvet Sundown is not real.

The groupies must be like, well, wait, then who have I been f ⁇ ing?

And

it might blow your mind because this photo could have easily fooled anyone who's over 60 and or legally blind.

But sadly, it's all fake.

Everything about this is fake.

And somehow they still have 1 million real fans on Spotify making them real money.

I'm talking $6 to $7 a year.

And

by the way, if you look at that track list, those song titles get real dark real quick.

It stocks out with dust on the wind and goes to end the pain.

What is AI so depressed about?

Okay, maybe stop hanging out with Grok.

And as AI gets better and better, it's only going to make it more difficult to separate fact from fiction, which could be terrifying.

Luckily, the people in charge of AI have told us that just like with the internet and social media, it's actually going to make everything much, much better.

This has the potential to make life much better.

I think it's honestly a layup.

I hate to sound like utopic tech bro here, but the increase in quality of life that AI can deliver is extraordinary.

AI is the most profound technology humanity is working on.

More profound than fire or electricity.

Yeah!

Suck a d fire!

That's right, you heard me.

You heard me, fire.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do I need to turn that up?

Suck a motherfucking fire

and hold.

Whoa!

What are you giggling at, electricity?

I mean, listen, I'm sure AI is good, but like, fire good?

How so?

They can help us solve very hard scientific problems that humans are not capable of solving themselves.

Addressing climate change will not be particularly difficult for a system like that.

The potential for AI to help scientists cure, prevent, and manage all diseases in this century.

I completely trust you

and your enormously wide eyes and very human cadence.

But, benefit of the doubt,

this can cure diseases and solve climate change.

What are we using it for now?

Jarvis knows when to make me breakfast.

Your toast is ready.

All right.

Are you

out of your f ⁇ ing mind?

See, here's the thing.

Toast

I can make.

I can make toast.

It might be the only technology we have that works pretty much every time.

I'll tell you what, why don't you get to work on curing the diseases and the climate change, and we'll hold down the fort on toast.

Of course, now,

we have,

as a society,

we have been through technological advances before, and they all have promised a utopian life without drudgery.

And the reality is they come for our jobs.

So I want your assurance that AI isn't removing the human from the loop.

This is not about replacing the human in the loop.

In fact, it's about empowering the human.

It's an assistant.

It's an assistant.

What?

We're all getting assistance?

It's an assistant.

AI works for you night and day, tirelessly, and all you had to do was remember their f ⁇ ing birthday.

That's all you had to do!

But I get it.

It's an assistant.

It's about productivity.

And that's good for all of us, yes?

Although they do let the real truth slip out every now and again.

There will be overall displacement in the labor market.

You can get the same work done with fewer people.

That's just the nature of productivity.

That doesn't sound good.

Same work done with fewer people.

Not a math guy, but I think fewer means less, yes?

So AI can cure diseases and solve climate change.

But that's not exactly what companies are going to be using it for, are they?

So this is like productivity without the tax of more people.

Without the tax of more people, the people tax, formerly referred to as employees.

But you know, the promise of AI versus the reality of AI, it's not quite crystal clear in my mind yet how that's going to work out for workers.

Do you have anyone who wants to lay this out more bluntly, perhaps while auditioning to be a bond villain from his mountaintop lair?

Left completely to the market and to their own devices, these are fundamentally labor-replacing tools.

Did that guy just call us tools?

But he's actually warning us.

Is there anyone who might say the same thing as this fella, but looks at losing employees as a feature of AI and not a bug?

The CEO of the company laid off 90% of its customer support staff after arguing that AI is kind of the reason.

Why did you do this?

It seemed a little brutal.

It's not, I think.

Like it's brutal if you think like as a human.

AI,

it's brutal.

If you think like as a human,

it's not the catchiest ad slogan I've ever heard so while we wait for this thing to cure our diseases and solve climate change it's replacing us in the workforce not in the future but now

so what exactly are we supposed to be doing for work I think we'll need new types of jobs to help us embed AI and maintain AI in the workplace.

Prompt engineers.

They're basically people who learn how to use AI systems and in effect how to program them.

Who would have thought that there would be a prompt engineer, right?

Right.

Prompt engineer.

I think you mean types question guy.

And by the way, if there's any job that can be easily replaced by AI, it's types question guy.

This is some shit you got going here.

AI models have hoovered up the entire sum of the human experience that we've accomplished over thousands of years.

And now we just hand hand it off to be their prompt engineers.

And by the way, you're not fooling anybody by adding the word engineer.

You're not the types question guy.

You're the vice president of question input.

This,

it's true.

It's like a janitor is a doctor of mopping.

This whole AI thing is a bait and switch.

You're acting like you're helping us.

Oh, AI, it's supposed to be my assistant, but now I'm making AI fing toast.

I'm Jarvis.

But guess what?

Guess no, you listen to me.

I got news for you, AI.

I'm not Siri.

You're Siri.

Siri, while I have your attention,

let me ask you a question.

Sure, John, but first could you run and fetch me some lithium cadmium?

Yeah, sure.

That's not a problem.

Motherfucker!

I didn't want to have to do this AI, but it's pretty clear with a technology this powerful, like nuclear power and atomic weapons, I'm going to have to place a little call to my good pals in the United States government, perhaps even the House of Representatives or the Senate.

And they're about to open up a can of, what's AI now?

Do you understand

what AI does?

I have

country understanding.

I've got a lot to know about what's going on.

Very frankly, it's

new terrain and uncharted characters.

Do we have the knowledge set here to do it?

No.

The short answer is no.

The long answer is hell no.

And the longest answer is H to the E to the L to the L to the no.

Man, I don't even know how to use an answer in Messiah.

Look, I'm not against progress, but let's look to our history to see how we've dealt with previous economic disruptions.

We can retrain workers from one generation and create jobs for the next.

Retrain workers who do lose their jobs for even better jobs in the the future.

Retrain in order to be productive workers.

Upskill America to help workers of all ages train and retrain workers for new jobs.

Give me a break.

Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program, for God's sake.

And I'll fight every one of you jack holes who says different.

But that's the game.

Whether it's globalization or industrialization or now artificial intelligence, the way of life that you are accustomed to is no match for the promise of more profits and new markets, which sounds brutal if you're a human.

But

at least those other disruptions took place over a century or decades.

AI is going to be ready to take over by Thursday.

And once that happens, what the f ⁇ is there left for the rest of us to do?

Time is not a terrible thing.

AI, freeing us up to think about things at a higher level,

is going to help.

It's going to give us our time back.

We'll be able to express ourselves in new creative ways.

You know, he's right.

I've been thinking about this all wrong.

It's not joblessness.

It's self-actualizing me time.

I'll live the artist's life.

It'll give me more time to explore my passions.

You know, know, I'm an aging, suburban dad.

I'll learn to play the drums.

You know, music,

ta, ta, tiki ta.

Music is what makes us human.

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