TDS Time Machine | Video Games

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

Last week, Congress found a topic everybody in any party could grandstand about.

In a generation of kids being desensitized to aberrant sexual behavior.

Children who then are involved within an interactive way with video games have an increased tendency to act aggressively.

As a father of three young boys, 11, 8, and 6,

who are avid gamers, I'm very concerned about the content included in the games.

And as I stand there watching them play these violent games,

helpless to do anything about it,

I can't help but wonder

where the system has failed.

Yes, violent video games were the latest target of Washington's election year ire.

Hearings were held to

what exactly.

I want to learn more about how these games are rated, how they are marketed and to whom, who's making profit from them, what retailers have to say about selling to underage children without parental approval, and what they're going to do about it.

Said the first witness.

I pleaded the fids.

You know what I was doing there in my head, can I tell you?

I was already working on my Italian accent.

And so when I saw English in the prompter there, it threw me completely off.

You know, because I was in another language.

I was already translating, rendering in real time, if you will.

I have something to tell you people.

I can't read.

The whole show is done phonetically and by ear.

Anyway, at issue is the video game industry's rating system.

Many feel the M for mature rating is too vague in describing content, not to mention completely inaccurate to describe anyone who plays video games.

They propose a three-tiered system that would start with D for dropout,

W for wasteoid, and max out at CMB, child and man's body.

That would be me.

Just want to make it clear: I play these a lot.

All right.

But enough preliminaries, let's get right to it.

Who wants to be the first person to sound like an out-of-touch jackass?

Oh, you, Congressman Upton.

I'm a gamer myself.

I was an expert in Pong.

That was a game.

Also a big fan of, I believe it was Donkey Kong.

I enjoyed Missile Command.

Lately, I've been playing a lot of Grand Turismo.

All right, who's next?

I'll have to confess, Mr.

Chairman, that I am also a video game player.

I have worked my way up to Civilization 4.

I haven't yet been able to beat it, but I have at least

understand the fundamentals of it.

Of course, Congressman Barton's favorite game, Whipper Snappers 2, Get Off My Lawn.

But it was, as always, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas that emerged as the committee's favorite whipping boy.

To illustrate the video game's violence, the chairman provided a brief multimedia presentation.

I thought we'd give, before your opening statement start,

a sort of an overview of what we're talking about.

I think one of those wasn't a game.

After a full day's worth of powerful testimony on this vital issue, Congressman Joe Pitts admitted that not every child was at risk.

It's safe to say that a wealthy kid from the suburbs can play Grand Theft Auto or similar games without turning to a life of crime, but a poor kid who lives in a neighborhood where people really do steal cars or deal drugs or shoot cops might not be so fortunate.

Wealthy suburban kids don't do that kind of thing.

Like my good friends, those fine Columban boys, they were just.

There's almost certainly a child somewhere in America who is going to be hurt by this game.

Maybe his dad's in jail or his big brother's already down on the corner dealing drugs.

Maybe he buys a gun.

He steals a car, tries to run, but he doesn't get far.

In the get-to.

In the get-up.

For more on the.

Seriously, the the House of Representatives is filled with insane jackasses.

For more on the Grand Theft Auto controversy, we go to Daily Show's senior PlayStationologist, Samantha B.

Samantha, Sam, Sam?

Sorry, John, sorry.

Thought I saw some money and some life power behind a dumpster.

Turns out it was just a body.

Anyways, I'm here in San Andreas where people feel their way of life is being attacked by the morality police in Washington.

There are good people here.

Well, a good person.

Actually, I think he may have been in that car that just exploded.

But residents here want Washington to know they're angry and they vote or would if not for considerable felony convictions.

Sam, so what are the people of San Andreas going to do about this?

Well, the city council is planning to launch an official protest with Washington, though whether that will take the form of spraying Capitol Hill with machine gun fire or just a good old-fashioned Molotov cocktailing remains to be seen.

Sam, you've.

You would agree, though, that Grand Theft Auto San Andreas isn't really appropriate for young children.

No, on the contrary, John, our kids could learn a lot from this little town.

This place where, with a little hard work, a little hand-eye coordination, and the right cheat codes, anyone can work their way up from a burned-out moped to owning a tank.

Sam,

what about the concern that young children might copy the violence that they see in this game?

Oh, come on, John.

Nobody believes there's really a connection.

This issue has been resolved in studies.

Politicians are just beating a dead hooker here.

Sam, what about the rating system for video games?

Do you think that the current standards could be Sam?

Is everything okay over there?

Oh, is it?

It's just another hump day, John.

People blowing off a little steam.

Anyway, the important thing is that parents groups, legislators, and video game manufacturers say, hey, hey, motherfucker, it's your motherfucking hand got my motherfucking cut.

What?

What?

What?

It's okay.

I'll blow them up later.

All right.

Well, thank you very much, Samantha.

Samantha B.

We'll be right back.

Many of you know, many of you follow the court, the Supreme Court's term ended this week with a raft of new rulings.

One ruling in particular caught my eye.

The court struck down a law passed by the California legislature in 2005 and signed into law by then Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger that made it a crime to sell or rent video games depicting violence to anyone under 18.

Oh, wow, that's got to be a huge disappointment for Schwarzenegger, a man who fought so hard for so long to protect kids kids from images of gratuitous violence.

It's all right.

The state has no place keeping kids from buying violent video games.

Big deal.

You know what?

I agree with that.

I used to play video games, Space Invaders, Doom.

How bad could the games really be?

And they'd go, oh my God!

Oh, oh, fair!

Oh my god, I think I'm going to be sick!

Oh!

Oh!

That!

Oh, get some ice.

Can the states place any restrictions on content sold to minors?

Justice Scalia, in his opinion, said that government might be able to restrict sexual materials, but not violent and other materials.

Oh.

What?

So I guess that's good news for today's graphically violent video games.

Bad news for older, sexy gaming classics like Super Mario Boners.

Nice job, Sam.

Let's be clear what we're talking about here.

Fair warning.

This is really fair warning.

You may find this next clip, in fact, I'd be truly surprised if you don't.

In all seriousness, shocking and offensive.

It's like an interactive animated snuff film.

So if you are sensitive to violent imagery, now might be a good time to go to another room and have filthy, disgusting, deviant sex.

In this case, Brown v.

Entertainments Merchants Association, the U.S.

Supreme Court determined 7-2 that the state of California has no interest in restricting the sale of this game.

No interest in restricting the sale of that game to children.

But if while being disemboweled, this woman were to suffer perhaps a nip slip,

regulate away.

Personally, I don't know if video game violence affects children, but I am worried that the games are affecting judges that have to look at them.

Like in the Wisconsin Supreme Court, Justice Ann Walsh Bradley is accusing fellow Justice David Prosser of trying to choke her during a heated debate.

Prosser denies it.

What Justice Bradley says is that she asked Justice David Prosser to leave, that he put her head, she put her neck in a chokehold.

Uh-oh.

Judges fighting each other.

Sounds like a good case for my new show, Court Court.

So, literally a bench clearing brawl happening in the midst of

an ideologically charged debate over collective bargaining rights.

It's the biggest political fight in recent Wisconsin history.

But it's he said, she said.

I mean, how do we ever know who's right?

The altercation allegedly took place in front of their court colleagues.

Oh my god, thank God.

Eyewitnesses, and not just any eyewitnesses, the other Supreme Court justices, pillars of the Wisconsin legal establishment, the very people entrusted with the solemn judicial duty of weighing facts and determining justice.

And they too are divided over exactly what happened.

The other justices were there and they're still, let me guess, party lines.

They're divided on party lines.

These are people whose job is interpreting what a group of dead founders were thinking 200 and some years ago and they can't agree on what happened right in front of their eyes.

I used to think your reality shaped your politics.

It's clear now.

Your politics shapes reality.

Luzwago Bauma McCartney.

The audience, folks.

Love it.

Unfortunately, that's all the time we have for today.

Now, I'm going to go with Thunderous.

That was a thunderous.

That was Thunderous.

That was stunning.

Thank you.

That was stunning.

Now they're doing it again.

Just keep doing it.

I love it.

I love it.

I understand why now musicians have the hearing problems because the thunderous ovations.

This is right, yeah.

Who else gets that?

You know, I get that.

You walk out, people applaud.

Yeah.

Do you remember?

I've had a lot of jobs where I show up, no applause.

Bartender?

Sure.

I waited tables, no applause.

Never.

Oh, he's coming with the menus.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Well, that's why I went into music, John.

I think it was

a wise choice.

I hope it works out for you.

I think a fallback plan is always...

That's what my dad said to me.

Did he really?

Oh, yeah.

Now,

how much success did you have before family, friends thought,

We're going to get off his back now, we're going to let him go?

Like, where were you?

Was it charting?

Was it Ed Sullivan?

What was the moment where everyone went, okay, you're going to do that for a living?

That's fine.

That's fine, boy.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I think it was just, yeah, the first record in the charts, probably, yeah.

Right.

Or was it a song for Destiny for the video game?

Was that where they said, it's okay, now he's made it?

It's only just happened, yeah, and they never believed it.

But yeah, no, it's a song for destiny.

Yeah, I'm not here to plug.

No.

No.

I'm not here to plug it either.

It's just a casual mention of...

This is you and I.

We'd probably be talking anyway.

About that,

or just hanging out, as we often do.

We often do.

Me outside your house, you in it.

Yeah, but you know, I think.

How do they get you to do that?

You know, there's a lot of things.

I think to myself, geez, I'd love to have Paul McCartney do a song for this.

But you wouldn't.

I might.

It depends how you asked me.

It's an interesting thing.

Well, I guess these video games, people don't realize these are now billion-dollar industries.

These are franchises.

These are bigger than major motion pictures.

That's right.

And that's what was pointed out to me by the people who asked me.

Why don't you do this, Paul?

It's bigger than anything.

And no, the thing was, you know, I'd seen my grandkids mainly playing them.

And I kind of would say, you know, give me a go of that.

come on.

I would get killed within the first couple of seconds.

Hand it back to them, yeah, go on, okay.

And so, you know, I was Mr.

Cool.

Come on, give it up.

How crazy is that?

The problem is nothing.

Because it is, I find myself doing that as well, that whatever my kids are interested in, I try and do a little something for because they don't care about this.

They don't care?

No.

Do you know what my son said said to me the other night?

Why can't you do a show like Ellen?

He could have something there, Joel.

She said, do a show like Ellen.

He goes, I watch your show.

I don't even understand it.

I watch her show and I really enjoy it.

And does she give out C D's and things and holidays?

You're wishing you were on Ellen too.

No, you are.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'm really happy to be here.

You really are.

This is so not right.

This is so good.

If you do this for them, is there like a cheat code for the guy who wrote the song for the video game where you are impervious to damage?

Can you, you know, do you play it now and they tell you how to win?

No.

So you still get blown up.

Do you play them?

Basically, no.

I don't play them.

No.

But the kids do.

The kids do, yeah.

I've tried them, but I'm no good at them.

Yeah.

I go in the first room.

Yes, come come on, yes,

and they're shooting at me.

They're shooting at me, John.

I get killed and handed the control back.

That's really one of the big drawbacks in these games is that they are relentlessly trying to get it.

They're shooting at you all.

I just, I find it fascinating.

Like, for me, there's nothing I would rather be than a pop star, than a rock star.

To me, it's such a magical way of expressing yourself.

Comedy is so linear, it's language.

Everybody knows somebody who's funny.

Not everybody, Music is such a different language, such a beautiful, more abstract language.

It's shocking to me to know that there's something that you're not that good at that you think to yourself, it'd be fun to be good at that.

What's that?

Are you going to the rocket?

Are you going to go when Ringo's goes to the office?

I am, yeah, I definitely am.

This is very exciting.

I'm really excited about that, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's so now, and you're in, he's in, everybody's in.

You know what?

Maybe I'll go.

It's in New York, is it not?

Don't they do the ceremony in New York?

Do they?

I don't know.

I'll find out, though, before the night.

They don't know where you go.

And they just point you in a direction.

As far as you know, you were coming on Letterman.

You don't even know where you are.

I thought this was Alan.

Do it!

Trade is not the only issue that Trump has been focused on recently.

Since the school shooting in Florida, the president has also been trying to address gun violence.

And while he has proposed a number of gun control measures, there are a few additional culprits that he has in his sights.

The video games, the movies, the internet stuff is so violent.

I have a young, very young son who I look at some of the things he's watching and

I say, how is that possible?

And this is what kids are watching.

But these things are really violent.

No, Trump talks about his kid like he's not his parents.

He's like, look at the violence this kid is watching.

Isn't someone going to stop him?

I mean, you know what this kid needs in his life?

He needs a John Kelly.

That's what he needs in his life.

But you're his dad, Donald.

Isn't it your fault?

No, this kid started playing games under Obama.

I inherited a mess, folks.

The point is, Trump is not a big fan of video games, partly because the controllers are too big, and also because he believes they inspire real-world violence.

So, this afternoon, he summoned the heads of the video game industry and their critics to a roundtable discussion.

For a change, Trump decided to be camera-shy, so there's no footage of this meeting.

Although, we here at the Daily Show were able to get exclusive audio of what went down.

Okay, let's get started.

Wait, wait, wait.

Why is it Mario here?

Uh, Mario's not coming, sir.

Video game characters don't exist.

Okay, but then why is that Koopa trooper here?

Magma Maccado.

That's just what a Cooper would say.

Let's jump on him.

Ow, ow, ow, Mr.

President, out my neck.

Now,

Trump is hardly the first person to blame gun violence in part on video games.

In fact, this has been an idea that's been around for decades now.

This is the hand-held implement with which you play the game by shooting it at the screen instead of enriching a child's mind.

These games teach a child to enjoy inflicting torture.

Of course it affects our children and it affects our kids in a very negative way.

Yeah, you see it turns out politicians have been warning about the dangers of violent video games way back when.

I mean like this is back when games looked like this.

You remember this?

Yeah?

To them, this was hyper-realistic violence.

I mean, to me, it looks like you're pointing a dildo at a Nazi dance crew.

I don't see the violence.

And here's what I don't get about this argument.

How come video games are supposedly so influential, but only when it comes to guns?

Right?

Because, I mean, if they really were as influential as politicians say, then shouldn't games influence us with everything?

Like as kids, we spent every day playing Paperboy.

But that never inspired anyone to go out and commission mass paper deliveries.

No, I was like, it's because of the games.

Extra, extra, read all about it.

And here's the thing.

There have been hundreds of studies on this issue, and they have shown, they have shown that there isn't any connection between violent video games and violence activities.

Now, that doesn't mean that video games have no influence on you, because let's be honest, everything we consume as human beings affects us somehow.

Sex in the city might make you want to go to brunch.

Karate Kid might have made people join the local dojo.

Hell, if it wasn't for Instagram, I would have never gotten my butt implants.

Okay?

Yeah, I got it on the back because I already had a real ass.

I just wanted another one.

It's like, because two asses, I mean, come on, why not?

So, yes, I agree that video games can affect your behavior, but so can TV and movies.

And I mean, hell, there's even violence in the Bible.

Motherfuckers are killing people with jawbones in there.

Like, you can't take violence out of the world.

What you can do is limit the tools violent people have,

which is exactly what they've done in Japan.

The Japanese play many of the same violent video games that we do.

In 2015, gaming revenue in Japan was over $12 billion,

behind only the United States and China.

Japan has some of the strictest gun laws in the world.

In 2015, this nation of 127 million counted only one gun murder.

Wow.

Only one gun murder.

That is impressive.

And I'm sorry, but if you're the only gun death in a country of 120 million people, you probably deserve it.

I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

Look, man, the truth is, many countries around the world have figured this out.

The most effective and realistic way to limit gun violence is to regulate who has access to guns.

And while the president is talking about video games, interestingly enough, lawmakers in Florida have decided to take action.

New state gun legislation is headed to the desk of Florida Governor Rick Scott this morning after last month's deadly school shooting in Parkland.

The bill raises the minimum age for buying firearms to 21, imposes a three-day waiting period for gun purchases, bans bump stocks, and establishes new mental health programs in schools.

I'm going to say a sentence that I'm assuming has never before been uttered on this show.

Well done, Florida.

Well done.

I mean usually the news coming out of Florida is like man arrested for threesome with two rattlesnakes.

So this is a step in the right direction.

Now the bill does do one other thing that might not be as popular.

The most controversial provision in this legislation is the Marshall Program.

That's a program that would allow teachers and other school personnel to be armed as long as they go through training.

In this case, 144 hours of training.

Yep, Florida teachers about to get strapped.

Which means that kids are going to be a lot more engaged in class.

Wow, a lot of hands up.

A lot of hands going up.

Two hands.

Look at you.

Yeah.

Here's what I find interesting about this law.

Florida lawmakers have decided that the teachers, the people they trust with their kids, need to meet strict standards before they can carry a gun.

144 hours of of training and passing a psychological exam and random drug tests and additional training every year, which makes sense.

But when it comes to anyone outside of a school, they go, Yeah, just give that random dude a gun.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I feel like you guys were so close to figuring this out.

Just take that same law, cross out teachers, and write in everyone.

Problem solves.

Why doesn't everyone have to go through those same steps?

It makes sense.

So, if you'll excuse me, I've been playing a ton of Angry Birds, so I've got to go outside and throw some pigeons at pigs.

We'll be right back.

Thanks, Trevor.

The most popular video game right now is Fortnite.

And why not?

It's got everything people love.

Hanging out with your friends, killing your friends, and dancing over your friends' dead bodies.

But just like every other thing that's popular, people have started to blame it for all their problems.

The popular video game Fortnite now has more than 200 million registered players worldwide.

Problem is, experts say it's incredibly addicting.

Behavioral health experts have seen an increase in young adults seeking treatment for their addiction to video games.

In fact, earlier this year, the World Health Organization recognized gaming disorder as a diagnosable condition.

A British behavioral specialist says Fortnite addiction is like heroin.

Okay, Fortnite is is not like drugs, okay?

There's no rock star who died from video games.

Elvis wasn't passed out on the toilet with his veins full of Pac-Man, right?

No wonderful entertainment gets the bad rap that video games do.

I mean, why does 20 straight hours of Fortnite mean you're addicted, but binging Marvelous Miss Mazo means you're sophisticated?

And so what if I sometimes miss work because I was up all night playing Fortnite?

I just tell my idiot boss I lost my voice, like he does all the time.

All the time.

You have one job.

But fine, these so-called specialists say it's an addiction.

And now the innocent kids are paying the price.

Some parents are so worried their kids are spending so much time playing the popular game, they're taking a drastic step and sending their kids to video game rehab.

Well, this year, the drug of choice, as we call it, is Fortnite.

Michael Jacobis runs Reset Summer Camp, a four-week program that focuses on teen tech addiction.

When kids are at your camp, is it like a detox?

Yes, absolutely.

With no devices for a whole month, the camp focuses on therapy and teaching life skills like cooking and laundry.

Okay.

Cooking and laundry is not rehab.

It's what makes you want to play video games in the first place.

Okay, no kid has ever been like, hey, washing my filthy clothes is so much fun.

I'll never play video games again.

If I wanted to cook and do laundry, I'd play The Sims, all right?

And the blame keeps going because according to some, Fortnite isn't just damaging kids, it's ruining marriages.

An online UK divorce service says 200 divorce petitions cited Fortnite this year.

That was the reason for the split.

Put the controller down.

Fortnite.

Don't blame Fortnite for your shitty marriage, okay?

You made your wife sit and watch you play Fortnite day after day until one day you look over and she's gone.

Well, guess where she is now, buddy?

She's at my house watching me play Fortnite.

Guys, Fortnite is harmless fun.

In fact, the only place I draw a line is using it to train real killers.

You can serve your country and play Fortnite?

Well, the Stars in the Stripes newspaper says yes, the Army is forming a team of pro gamers to compete in tournaments as a recruitment tool.

The plan is actually to have recruiters playing those games in their uniforms at tournaments to provoke questions about their jobs from the players.

This is a great idea until those dumb kids stop fighting and start dancing in the middle of the war.

I'm just getting shot in the

only way the Army should use Fortnite is to drop it on ISIS.

Then they'll stop playing it 20 hours a day and we'll have won the war on terror.

And that's when we really get to dance.

I'm Michael Costa.

And before I started covering the news on cable TV, I was a successful professional athlete.

What sport?

Tennis.

Duh.

I was ranked 864 in the world, so I was a natural to investigate the newest sport sweeping the nation.

Video games.

Competitive video gaming, known as esports, is booming.

There's even a training center with five training rooms and six locker rooms.

The Olympics are considering adding esports.

I went to California to a so-called training center in someone's garage to talk with these athletes about why video games isn't a sport.

What the hell is this?

This was the Alienware training facility for esports Team Liquid, complete with scrimmage stations a war room PR department a team coach and even an in-house chef The team star whose name is Taco was acquired from Brazil's top team This is a real sport.

You call yourself an athlete?

Yes, of course.

We compete.

We go to tournaments.

We travel a lot.

We got some money.

What does an esport athlete Mr.

Taco do every day?

Just practice.

Yeah.

I'm a former professional tennis player.

That's what I would call like a real sport.

There is an opponent, and you would relish the opportunity to defeat them with your racket.

What do you actually have to show for what you're doing?

Come on.

I have a really strong finger.

A finger?

Yes, this finger

killed at least one million people.

That finger's killed one million people.

At least.

Taco is referring to his kills in Counter-Strike, a game where guys shoot other guys before a bomb goes off, apparently.

How is this a sport?

I won the Ann Arbor Junior Open at 11 years old.

How hard could it be to pound on these dorks?

What are you staring at, huh?

I'm gonna whoop your ass next.

To the left, to the left.

To the left?

You think, oh, Jesus Christ.

If I shot him four times, he shoots me once and I die?

These games were clearly rigged against more muscular athletes.

Oh, Jesus.

How do I keep dying, Taco?

But who's paying for these cucks to sit around all day and mash buttons?

Apparently, guys like three-time NBA champion Rick Fox, owner of esports franchise Echo Fox.

What are you doing with these nerds, man?

You're a real athlete.

And so are they.

What the shit are you talking about?

Me and you, we played real sports.

You know, you can see our balls in our pants when we played.

Were you an athlete?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I played professional tennis.

I was ranked 864 in the world.

Oh, okay.

You win a couple tournaments?

No, I didn't win the tournaments, but

how much money did you make in your career?

I made $11,000 about.

But there's a whole system, and I was right in there playing as a pro-athlete.

Okay, in our era, I think there was no shame around pursuing a career in professional sports because you could get a scholarship to college, which, by the way, you can get as an esport player now.

There's a number of colleges that are building esports arenas on their campuses.

This is all great, but let's get down to brass tacks here.

How much do these athletes make?

Probably the best top laner in the world in one of our games.

He makes probably $800,000.

What?

And while players like Taco made over $800K last year, other top gamers earned upwards of $4 million.

And thanks to advertising and sponsorships, revenues will top $1.4 billion

this year.

$1.4 billion?

Are you kidding me?

But what really makes it legit is Vegas Sportsbooks take bets on it.

So I did what anyone would do.

Sold my dog for 3,000 bucks and put it all on Team Liquid at the Barclay Center.

I'll buy him back after I win.

Amsterdam, London, Cologne, Montreal.

I don't give a shit.

You're in Brooklyn now, baby.

This is the Barclay Center.

This is where champions play and the Brooklyn Nets.

We're gonna heal as a team or we're gonna die as individuals.

Did I make myself clear?

Yeah, I did.

Come on!

All right, ignore all that, and then we just follow the game pun.

Let's go, guys.

It was time for Team Liquid Liquid to win in the semifinals and make me some money.

Team Liquid!

Let's go, baby.

Let's go.

It definitely felt like a real sport.

These gaming gladiators were ready for battle.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for Team Liquid versus Gambit.

Click your mouth.

They flexed their fingers.

They clicked their buttons.

They adjusted their headsets.

Come on!

Liquid!

Aka!

Liquid!

Aca!

Hey, let's start the wave!

Starting over here!

Woo!

They fought to outmaneuver, evade, and shoot their opponents' heads off.

And just when it looked like Team Liquid was on the ropes, they rally.

Yeah!

Yeah!

The next grand finalist is Team Liquid.

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about, babies!

Number one!

Take like win!

Are video games a sport?

Who cares?

I'm rich.

Time to try to buy my dog back.

All right, and finally, have you heard the good news about Jesus?

Yeah?

Now, have you heard the bad news about Jesus?

This might actually be the holy grail of new video games.

It's called I Am Jesus Christ, and it lets gamers play Jesus to heal a blind man, make fish appear in a bucket, and end a thunderstorm.

The New Testament-inspired game has not been released yet, but it is expected to launch soon.

Okay,

this is extremely offensive, especially for me, someone who has already accepted Super Mario as my video game savior.

I mean, and I say unto you, it's a me.

Look, I'll be honest, I don't want to play a video game about Jesus.

However, I do want to play as Jesus in other video games.

Think about it.

Yeah, when Jesus was alive, he rolled with sinners and prostitutes, so he'd kick ass and grand theft auto.

He'd be amazing.

Or even better, I'd want Jesus to be in Madden as a quarterback.

Be like, what's the play, Jesus?

Hail Mary, same as every play.

Or

I'd want to play Jesus in Mortal Kombat.

Yeah, just ripping out dudes' spines, then immediately healing them.

Resurrect him.

So, look, I don't know about this video game, but if you are gonna play it and you do get stuck, at least we all know the cheat code.

It's gonna be up, down, up, down, left, right, A, B, stop.

That's it.

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