Hegseth Lectures "Fat Generals" and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | Cristela Alonzo

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We got so much to talk about tonight.

P.

Heg Seth has his own Battle of the Bulge.

The National Guard adds more tour dates.

And I bet you 50 bucks gambling is going to destroy American society.

So let's get into the headlines.

Let's start with America's military, the Karen of the world.

They just will not stay out of other countries' business.

And leading this military is Pete Hegseff, who you might think is the Secretary of Defense.

But you'll be wrong.

He's rebranded himself the Secretary of War.

You know how cool guys always give themselves nicknames.

And

as part of this military makeover, last week the Secretary announced a surprise meeting.

Tonight, in an unprecedented move, Secretary Pete Hagseth asking all U.S.

general officers and admirals around the world to gather at the U.S.

Marine Base in Quatico, Virginia.

A meeting of this size in person and on such short notice is extremely rare.

It's going to also potentially be a security risk, given the sheer number of military officials and how many are going to be gathered in one place at a time.

Listen, we all do weird things when we're drunk, okay?

Some of us slide into an excess DMs, and some of us call every U.S.

general to a meeting at Quantico.

But, you know, I'm sure if the Secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them.

It's tiring to look out at combat formations or really any formation and see fat troops.

Likewise, it's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.

That's what you drag all these generals in for?

To tell them they're fat?

Couldn't you just leave some passive-aggressive comments on the Instagram?

Like, hey, congrats, General.

When are you due?

I mean, this guy will text top secret war plans, but when it comes to body shaming, he's like, I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.

Look, I get the military needs to be fit.

Okay, but

in defense of fat generals,

they're kind of like coaches, right?

Like,

coaches don't need to be fit enough to play the sport.

They just have to be fit enough to date a 24-year-old.

And also,

There are some military positions you kind of don't want a fit soldier for.

Like, I don't want a guy with six-pack abs operating a drone.

He clearly hasn't had enough time and experience sitting down like this of a controller.

Just gonna.

Okay, he's dead.

But telling generals they have to get on Ozempic wasn't the whole speech.

America's Secretary of War.

Had more to say than that.

No more beards, long hair, superficial individual expression.

We're gonna cut our hair,

shave our beards, and adhere to standards.

Okay, you hear that, you goddamn hippie generals?

No more beards.

I'm looking at you, Admiral Lebowski.

Now, according to P.

Heck Seth, America's military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a grinder profile, okay?

No fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the f ⁇ out of my sight.

But it's all about a much larger project of de-wocificationing.

An entire generation of generals and admirals were told that they must parrot the insane fallacy that, quote, our diversity is our strength.

They had to put out dizzying DEI and LGBTQI plus statements.

No more identity months, DEI offices, dudes in dresses.

Yeah, you hear that?

General adult fire?

Something very weird about that general.

I just can't

put my finger on it.

Although are we sure dudes wearing dresses doesn't work?

Because the Taliban wore dresses and it kind of worked for them.

You know what I mean?

I don't know, maybe the beards cancel out the dresses.

So I want to check the math on that.

But this wasn't just a pep talk.

Pete Hegseth, the motherfucking secretary of motherfucking war,

also took the opportunity to bump his book sales on Amazon.

You might say we're ending the war on warriors.

I heard someone wrote a book about that.

Yeah.

And that someone was him.

Say what you want about Henry Kissinger.

I mean, at least he never used his position to sell his book, 101 War Crimes to Triangle Cambodians.

But bottom line: a lot of people were worried that this event was going to show that P.

Hegseff had taken over the military.

But it actually just showed how disconnected his MAGA rally energy is from their professional culture, especially this moment that he clearly thought was going to crush.

Should our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision, and ferocity of the War Department.

In other words, to our enemies,

F-A-F-O.

If necessary, our troops can translate that for you.

Wow.

Not even the leaders of the U.S.

military have ever seen a line bomb that hard before.

It's just kind of, it's weird and

some would say juvenile to use internet slang in a speech to your adversaries.

I mean, President Reagan was never like, Mr.

Gobachaw, I hock to us, spit on that wall.

But basically,

that was Pete Hegseth's speech.

F-A-F-O.

And no one in the military is allowed to be fat, especially the leaders.

Okay?

It's a bad look.

So next up to speak was the famously thin health nut commander-in-chief

Donald Trump.

And

even President Trump noticed how dead the room was.

Fantastic job.

I've never walked into a room so silent before.

Wow, way to throw your opening act under the bus.

Who is that loser, huh?

I thought alcoholics were supposed to be fun.

Well,

if anyone can win a room back, it's President Trump who convinced these generals there was a good reason to pull them from their posts.

I call it the N-word.

Oh, shit.

He's coming in hot here.

Is he going to say the thing?

Is this about to happen?

Is this it?

The word nuclear.

We can't can't let people throw around

that word.

Oh.

Okay, the N-word is nuclear.

Okay, but that's a weird way to say it since there's also kind of another word that we famously refer to as the N-word.

There are two N-words, and you can't use either of them.

Can't use either of them.

And

frankly,

if it does get to use, we have more than anybody else.

We have better, we have newer.

Wait, are we still talking about nuclear or

the other one?

I just want to make sure.

Look, I'm sure the gathering of America's most decorated generals is loving this extended riff on the N-word, but let's maybe wrap this up before it gets out of hand.

San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, they're very unsafe places, and we're going to straighten them out one by one.

And this is going to be a major part for some of the people in this room.

That's a war, too.

It's a war from within.

I told Pete, we should use some of these dangerous cities as training grounds for our military, National Guard, but military.

This is going to be a big thing for the people in this room because it's the enemy from within and we have to handle it before it gets out of control.

Okay, okay.

You know what?

Can we just go back to talking about the N-word?

Okay, because this is...

This seems worse.

So is that what this whole thing was about?

Giving these generals the marching orders for war against American cities?

That's some pretty dark and scary shit from the president and the secretary of war.

I mean, no, no, start with that.

No,

not now.

No shredding.

Shredding for good stuff only, not bad stuff.

Look, I've only officially been American for like a few hours now, but even

I know that using American cities as a training ground for the military is kind of messed up.

And I don't think that's what American soldiers signed up to do.

So if you're gonna rope them into your authoritarian fantasies, at the very least, you should at least change the recruitment ads.

Your great-grandfather fought Hitler.

Your grandfather fought the communists.

And now you'll be called upon to take on America's greatest enemy, Portland.

If you're a tough young man with 0% body fat, the U.S.

Army wants to shave you clean.

Then we'll fly you to hostile lands like New York and Chicago, where you'll defend America from people who make fun of our president.

Your Pappy fought German panzers.

You'll fight this guy, that lady who won't move her car, and anyone with a nose ring.

When history calls, you will send it to voicemail because you're shaving.

While you wait for Antifa, you'll keep busy by picking up trash.

Then clear out a homeless camp, another homeless camp, and then clear out the first one again.

Then a quick clean-up shave, and back to your post.

Wait, did you get your neck?

Quick shave, and we're back.

Do you have what it takes to defeat hordes of demonic agents of chaos?

Then join the Department of War today.

Strength, honor, integrity, no fatties.

Because we want you shave that man

when we come back we lazy give us his opinion so don't go away

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Welcome back to a daily show.

We all know I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only one.

Studies show that other people also have opinions.

So here with another installment of In My Opinion is our good friend, Ricky Valley.

Las Vegas is loud, it's obnoxious, and it's much like our president.

It might be dying right before our eyes.

Tourism in Las Vegas is in a big slump this summer, costing the city billions of dollars.

Is Las Vegas dying or is it all hype?

It is dying.

With visitors down 11% from last year, one factor?

Sky-high prices.

Prices are too high.

Almost everything in Las Vegas seems overpriced.

Even a drink can drain your wallet.

How much did you pay for this?

$33.

$33.

If I'm paying $33 for a drink, the rim better have cocaine on it.

We love cocaine here.

Along with the high prices, the venereal diseases, there are more obvious reasons that Vegas is having trouble.

It's because it's in everybody's pocket now.

In 32 states plus DC, placing a bed is now as simple as opening up an app on your phone.

Last year, Laura, Americans Americans spent $150 billion with AB, dollars on legal sports gambling.

24 hours a day, seven days a week.

You can bet on events all over the world, from football to table tennis.

Table tennis?

I bet $100 those players are both virgins.

How about that?

So we all know that gambling online has become an enormous business.

And if you don't know that, just watch TV for two minutes.

The ads are everywhere and some are getting really, really creepy.

The FanDuel Commercial, paying tribute to the late Carl Weathers, who passed away 11 days ago.

That commercial just had a moment of silence.

Thank you for your service, Carl.

Use promo code, if he dies, he dies.

For 500 match play.

Of course, most people,

there's downsides to being able to gamble on everything, everywhere, all at once.

Young men are blowing their money like never before due to easy access to online gambling and sports betting.

50% of men between the ages of 18 through 49 have a sports betting app.

60% of high schoolers have gambled within the last year.

Boys love sports.

Now it's all about betting.

And so I think we're really destroying the boys.

Can we have one thing on the internet that doesn't destroy the boys?

No, seriously, no, no.

AI porn, video games, gambling, and Theo Von?

Come on, what are we doing?

The boys don't stand a chance.

And sure, am I bitter because I lost a ton of money during the U.S.

Open because Sinner decided to shit the bed and not use his backhand?

Yes.

Have I told my wife?

No.

Have I been home since the U.S.

Open?

No.

Luckily, my gambling habits aren't as bad as they could be for others.

When I say severe, I'm talking gambling eight hours a day, compulsively betting, waking up thinking about the bets that you placed the night before.

I think we're going to see huge rates of bankruptcies, huge rates of divorces.

Bankruptcies and divorce.

My God,

you're going to turn these children into the president of the United States of America.

Not good.

It's not good, Bonnie.

So since these gambling companies are leading us down a road filled with addiction, you would assume that our government would step in and put a stop to it.

Nope.

Ours is just taking a cut of action.

A little-known provision in the Big Beautiful Bill has some gamblers upset.

A budget law changes the rules about deducting gambling losses.

So instead of deducting 100%, the law limits loss deductions to 90% of winnings, which could leave gamblers paying taxes even when they lose.

And they are furious.

Of course, the government has started taking a rake on gambling.

Our president is a mob boss.

If you're making money, he wants a piece of it.

Same apparently if you have a private sex island.

But

if you ask me, our government does not need to be joining gambling and exploiting Americans.

It needs to be stopping it.

A government that cares about Americans would stop corporations from drowning people in in gambling debt so we can go back to drowning them in health care debt like true patriots.

But hey,

that's just my opinion.

We'll give a laugh, everyone.

When we come back, please tell all of us.

We'll be joining you on the show, so don't go away.

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Welcome back to the David Show.

My guest tonight is a comedian whose new Netflix special is called Upper Classy.

Please welcome Cristella Alonzo.

I'm a really good walker, apparently.

No, you're great.

So, third Netflix special.

Yes.

How did you visually approach this one?

You know, well, you know, you never know what you're going to do.

I started writing, and then the country happened.

And then you realize that you have to say something because the country is happening.

Sure, yeah.

I mean, I watched it.

It's super funny.

It's great.

I noticed your I guess I you know I take it for granted that someone doing comedy for 10 20 years always gonna be great at comedy.

So I always look for how they film it to make it a little different to make it a special.

And so I noticed you actually start in this quite an old school Chris Rock way where you're in the green room and then you walk out.

The one shot.

The one shot from the beginning.

Yeah, yeah.

The one shot.

Yeah.

And so what was your, you know, what were you thinking?

Were you trying to pay on my show?

You just like.

Yes, I actually, I wanted to do it like the the stand-up specials that I grew up watching yes you know and you know it used to be such a the specials were special yes it used to be this moment that you're like this is the night and I wanted to throw it back and I'm a sneakers person I wore heels on that show and that hurt I did that

like I did that

I did that

No, but I wanted to do a polish, you know, and I was actually I was talking to Tom Papa.

Yes.

And I was telling him I I wanted to go for like a Rita Rudner look.

Yes.

You know, and he's like, well, you're Latina.

I'm like a margarita.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's the

weird thing about comics is that we kind of value

history more than most people.

All we want is to, all we read about is comedy history and trying to pay homage to that or live up to that.

Or, you know,

may we be so lucky to get praise from our peers

who are of that generation.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely.

You know, and one of the things, you know, like for me, when Letterman was retiring, I got to do his show like in the last month.

And that to me, when you're a comic, the comedy nerd in you wants that moment.

Yeah.

Because you remember that.

Like when I was a kid, Carson was the one you wanted.

And he retired when I was a teenager.

And that hurt so much.

I didn't even know I wanted to do stand-up, but I wanted to be on Carson.

Right.

Because that was a meter of what an American was, you know?

Yeah, so same.

So I feel like a lot of,

another way of putting it is, like, I kind of came to this country because of the American comedy institutions.

Yes.

And these comedy institutions are kind of, they're not what they once were, but I kind of don't care.

Me too.

I'm like, no, no, I wanted to, I don't care that network TV is dying.

I love being on the tonight show.

No, I'm not sure.

I'm pretty.

No, it's just.

Because it's for me.

It's not even for anyone.

But honestly, when you think about it, even as a Latina.

Sorry, that was an unfair diss to the Tenega.

They know what they did.

You guys know what they did.

They know what they did.

I know.

But

I love the comedy institutions, but what happens, too, is that as a Latina, as a part of a group that you're not...

But

you're not Filipino?

I am dreaming API.

Okay, okay.

But you know, it's like, no, but it's one of those things where

you realize that a lot of the comedy institutions didn't have people that looked like you in them.

Sure, so you actually you you get sad that they're no longer around but you actually like the evolution that it becomes

what it becomes into no to look at me right here

No, but that's my point like so when when I do the specials for me And tell me if that's what you're trying to do is like I because I never saw Asians do comedy specials, I try to put myself in that so when I film a special I pay homage to these specials because I'm like oh well I never saw someone come out you know absolutely yeah and and look look my mom was like undocumented when she got here I'm a first-generation Mexican-American I grew up in South Texas in a border town that had immigration rates during the 1980s the immigration rates have existed for decades so now you know it's like I do it and I love to be personal because I think that being specific in your story actually makes it universal to so many people.

When they see the specifics and how you grew up, you realize that

while you might not be Latino,

while you might not be a woman, you actually relate to the way that I grew up.

And that's the thing that we need to talk more of is that like right now, the country is so divisive, but really,

the more different we are, the more alike we are.

So when I'm on stage, I don't care if people don't like me.

What I care about is honoring the memory that my mom had left me and why she came to this country for me to have opportunities.

I mean, right now,

coming on stage, I was thinking, you're hosting the Daily Show tonight.

I am the daughter of immigrants, and for the next like five couple minutes, there's immigrant families, they're the stars of the Comedy Central like channel right now.

I mean,

that's a nice sentiment, but the data shows that no demographic.

So it's mostly

mostly coastal elites and white people.

But anyway, that's a nice.

Yeah, but I just want white people to feel like they're allies right now.

So

thank you for clapping.

Yeah.

No, that is cool.

I mean, and you mentioned your mom in the special, you know, and you talked about her.

You want to talk a little bit about.

Yeah, you know, like

to me, one of the things that I think that I talked about in the special special thematically was that what I learned from her was that she worked really hard.

And that's part of the American dream that we get taught.

We get taught that we have to work hard.

And then after you work hard, you live life hard.

And what I realized, then you get to enjoy life after you start work, stop, you know, you work enough, but no one tells you how much work is enough.

So then, like, with my mom, she always wanted to go see a movie at a movie theater.

She never did.

She always told herself, no, I have to work first and then go see a movie.

And then she ended up passing away before she went to see a movie.

And in that moment, I was my mom's caregiver when she passed.

And I was like, she denied herself the most basic thing because she didn't think she deserved it.

Because that's what this country does.

This country makes it seem like you need to work hard.

Screw them, the corporations.

They don't want to pay you a fair living wage.

They want you to kill yourself because you need to work hard for them.

So

when do you get to enjoy life?

You have to enjoy life now.

That's one thing I learned from my mom's passing, especially nowadays.

The biggest form of resistance that I believe in is joy.

The people that hate you want to see you miserable.

You cannot let them do that.

You need to show joy.

If they hate you, you smile at them and you're like,

I am so happy.

Yeah.

And you do it like that so violently.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I love that.

And I mean, you said you grew up in Texas.

I did.

And you, I mean, you grew up like,

I don't know if we could, you were like squatting in diners.

Yeah, for seven years of my life, my family squatted in an abandoned diner.

My mom was a cook at a Mexican restaurant, worked double shifts,

got paid $150 a week for double shifts because she was undocumented.

And that's what they do in this country with so many people.

They exploit them for the labor, right?

And then that's the thing that we find ourselves now, right?

In the last election, immigrants are the problem.

Immigrants are the problem.

Now you see Farmageddon where they don't find anybody working the farms, but it's like, but you own the Libs, right?

Like you own the Libs.

How does it feel to own the Libs knowing that now corporations are going to come and own your farm?

Yeah.

I was actually going to take it somewhere positive, but I'm glad you went there.

No, it's a valid point.

I guess I was going to ask you because you grew up in Texas.

Yes.

And

I guess us...

Outside of Texas, we kind of have this stereotype of a majority of Texans and all that.

Like, what are we getting wrong about the Texans?

What are we missing here?

What is it?

You know, it's the fact that anyone, aside from Texas, but I can speak about Texans, everybody wants the best, right?

They want the opportunity, but the way that they were raised, especially in my neighborhood, we were raised very conservative, leaning towards, because of our religion.

You know, and what people don't understand is that we want the best.

The way that we try to carry out the best is a lot of times we go into,

it's blue-collar families that I think you know one of the biggest problems we find is that especially in politics we talk about the middle class a lot and we use it as a blanket statement that middle class is just everyone you know but it's not because we actually don't talk about the lower class people the the people and the people like me that grew up in abject poverty because the people in that kind of poverty we vote too And what we find is that we actually don't see ourselves as important.

We actually see ourselves as invisible because people try to cater to the next economic status.

So what they do is that people feel disillusioned.

They feel defeated, you know?

And I think that it's important to have more people talk to them specifically to let them know that they're part of this country rather than just middle and upper class, which is what they love to do.

And part of that and part of that is people in that class that you just described, they kind of had to come out and vote to show their power.

They have to come and vote.

It's so easy to be apathetic, but you've got to come out and

exert that.

And

I work with voter outreach in every election.

I've been

working with it for years.

I just want people to vote.

I don't even care how you vote.

It's just, if we're living in a sheer democracy, the majority.

It's not my fault I look good in red.

But

it is.

It's important to go make your voice heard.

And there's so many people that say, well, my vote doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

Every vote matters.

And we have to teach people that they do.

And I mean, you know, we're kind of preaching to the liberal elite choir here who just cheer any fing cliche we can say, you know, like, but like,

the Latino voting bloc is the largest growing MAGA voting bloc in the country.

I mean, how do you kind of square those ideas of like these people who are immigrants themselves or their parents were immigrants or their grandparents were immigrants and they know what it was like and they know

well you know what happened especially where I'm from in South Texas they

MAGA and a lot of Republicans decided to go through the church So they actually infiltrated churches and that's how they got a lot of people to change their perspective because they thought well we can get them at church.

And it worked.

It did work.

It did work because you know what is scarier than

going against the teachings of God?

You know, but anyway, we'll teach you what those teachings of God are in our language.

So for me, it's one of those things where people felt spoken to, people felt represented.

And I think that, you know, I've always said that, you know,

I'm on the left, but you know, it's like, I love this country.

I love this country.

I'm a Catholic.

I love God.

I love family.

I love everything that they're doing.

No, there's no chairs to that.

I'll come a bit with that.

But I also like weed.

I like weed.

But it is, I think, the true God.

I know.

So what's the answer?

The answer is what, Buddhism?

No.

The answer is to actually give more of a chance to people like me to come on, you know, to have these spaces where they can say, you know how you love religion, you know how you love your family, you know how you love this country, I do too.

So how do we work together?

And, you know, it's that thing where it's like, they sometimes need to hear that you love it in order for them to believe it.

And so many of us assume that people believe that we love it.

That they assume, well, you know, we love this country.

No, they want you to say it.

They want you to say it with some sparklers, wearing a U.S.

flag sweater, you know, like, you know, listening to country music at an Applebee's.

You know what I mean?

But we do.

We all want the same thing.

We just need to be able to allow ourselves to have a difference of opinion at times, but only a difference of opinion that doesn't, that sees me as a human being still.

You know?

Then we can actually have conversation.

Well,

you're very wise.

You're very funny.

Before we go, I just want to try.

It's so funny you said, you mentioned your mom, because my mom is never in America.

She's always in Singapore.

And she's actually here tonight.

She's over there.

Over there, mom.

Come on.

Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, come on, say hi.

Come on and say hi to Crisela.

Yeah, come on, say, Crisela.

My mom's very shy.

She's very shy.

Yeah.

Come on,

it's okay.

We'll play the ground.

Oh, my God.

Hey, man.

Echo coming out.

My mom, guys.

Oh, my God.

She's never here.

She's never here.

I always,

I will never miss the opportunity to exploit my mother for likes on the internet.

And that's what makes you American.

So, I just want to say, yeah, you talked about mom really touched me, and I just wanted to say she was here.

She's never here, by the way.

She's not here every show.

That's amazing.

She doesn't even live in this country.

But look at this.

This is what the American.

This is exactly what it is.

It's amazing.

But Anyway, you're great, Cristella.

Please don't be on the show.

Napis, Cristella.

Buffalo Classy now, putting globally on Napolis.

Cristella, I love everybody.

We're going to take a quick break.

We'll be right back after this.

On October 17th, I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics Rave.

He's haven't sent.

You have a

Kinda.

You were very unhelpful.

Good fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

Red at R.

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Hey, that's us over tonight.

Now here it is, your moment of Z.

Walk nice and easy.

You don't have to set any record.

Be cool.

Be cool when you walk down, but don't

bop down the stairs.

So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him as a president, but he would bop down those stairs.

I've never seen,

bop, bop, bop.

He'd go down the stairs, wouldn't hold on.

I said, it's great.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.