TDS Time Machine | Commander-In-Beef

31m
What do President Zelenskyy, Governor Gavin Newsom, and Harvard have in common? They've all had beef with Donald Trump. Here's a rundown of Trump's latest face-offs.
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You're listening to Comedy Central.

It wasn't until Moran pulled up his serious chair that the questions got hard.

Now we have this trade war with China that Moody's and other analysts say is going to cost American families thousands of more dollars per year.

And there is a lot of concern out there.

People are worried.

Even some people who voted for you saying,

I didn't sign up for this.

So how do you answer those concerns?

Well, they did sign up for it.

I said all these things during my campaign.

I said, you're going to have a transition period.

Really?

That's what Trump said?

Trump actually said that.

Could we just check the tape on that?

When I win, I will immediately bring prices down starting on day one.

2,047.

But first, prices will go so high, you'll be second D for eggs.

Oh, yeah, my bad.

I misremembered.

But the wildest part of the interview by far was when it turned to Trump's deportation of Kilmar Garcia, who Trump says doesn't need due process because anyone can tell that Garcia is in the gang MS-13 just by looking at his tattoos.

And you'll pick out one man, but even the man that you picked out,

he said he wasn't a member of a gang.

And then they looked and on his knuckles, he had MS-13.

There's a dispute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

He had MS-13 on his knees.

He had some tattoos that are interpreted that way.

But let's move on.

Okay.

Let me just explain what's going on here.

Garcia has tattoos on his hand, and someone labeled a photo of them trying to prove that they're actually a code.

The problem is, Trump thinks that the labels are part of the tattoo, and he is very, very insistent on it.

Let's move on.

Wait a minute.

Okay, Terry, Terry.

Terry.

He did not have the letter MS13.

It says MS-13.

That was Photoshop.

Do you want me to show you the picture?

I saw the picture.

We'll open it.

Can you think of Photoshop?

Here we go.

Here we go.

Don't Photoshop it.

Go look at his hand.

He had MS-13.

He did have tattoos that can be interpreted that way.

I'm not an expert on them.

I want to turn to Ukraine, sir.

I want to get to Ukraine.

No, no.

No, no.

He had MS as clear as you can be, not interpreted.

Now I understand why he's so proud of that Gulf of America poster.

He thinks Gulf of America is actually written on top of the water.

Makes sense.

And what is so crazy is that Terry Moran kept trying to change topics, but Trump wouldn't let him.

I have never seen an interview where a reporter catches a politician in a gotcha and the politician is the one who says, stop trying to move on.

I am not done embarrassing myself.

But I will hand it to Terry Moran.

He held his ground to the point where it actually wore Trump out.

And that's when we saw a moment of vulnerability from Trump.

He's got MS-13 on his knuckles.

All right.

Okay.

We'll take a look.

It's you just say.

It's such a disservice.

We'll take a look at what he's doing.

Why don't you just say, yes, he does, and you know, go on to something else.

It's contested.

Ukraine.

Why don't you just say I'm right?

Up is down.

Left is right.

Santa's real.

And that is Trump in a nutshell.

I can't prove the insane things I believe, so just go along with them.

Don't believe your eyes.

Believe the Photoshop.

But I, I for one, will not believe the Photoshop, okay?

I will go into the rest of the term with my eyes wide open, staring and watching.

Oh, God, no, no!

Oh, my eyes, my beautificated eyes.

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Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous Oval Office meeting between between the President J.D.

Vance and Vladimir Zelensky.

What happened, they say?

Are we still America?

They say.

Whose side are we on?

They say.

It's complicated.

The best way that I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of events from this weekend.

On Saturday night at the Elimination Chamber, the WWE shocked the world as John Cena turned heel, joined the Rock, and attacked Cody Rhodes.

Now,

if that does not immediately explain to you our current geopolitical climate,

you must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal course of aging.

I, on the other hand,

understand

this in my bones.

This explains it, folks.

All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of your anger, it's in there.

It's in the squared circle.

You see, Saturday night.

Oh, we're doing this.

Saturday night.

John Cena.

The good guy of professional wrestling.

Mr.

Hustle, the champ, the man who stood for everything.

Truth, justice, the guy who literally holds the record for the most Make-A-Wish Foundation meetings of all time.

People would get cancer just to meet John Cena.

Last weekend, Cena flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy, to a heel.

a bad guy.

Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you do not

but let me continue to bore you with this metaphor

so here's what happened the current WWE champion is one Cody Rhodes

Seven people say around

Cody Rhodes is the people's champ.

Unquestioned bravery.

He stands in for Zelensky in this metaphor.

A couple of weeks ago, The Rock, the now evil owner of the WWE,

Putin in our story,

made Cody Rhodes an offer.

The one thing that I want more than anything in this world

is that

I want your your soul

he wants Zelensky's soul.

Oh, but sir, but sir, I am smaller and weaker than you.

It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people.

But luckily, I am not protecting my soul alone.

For I have the support of the great John Cena!

So,

Cody Rhodes, Zelensky, told Vladimir Putin, rock, no soul for you, motherfer!

And that's when they met in the Oval Office.

America went to hug Zelensky, but when America looked up, somehow Putin had given John Cena the international sign for its time.

And rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the the rock was cooking.

And through that borschti haze, America delivered the nutshot.

The nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere.

And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelensky and started punching him in the face as many times as he could.

Too simplistic?

No?

This is it!

Am I being too simplistic, assigning to the delicate art of realpolitik a scripted outcome?

Perhaps.

But judge for yourself.

Putin broken 25 times his own signature.

25 times he broke ceasefire.

You're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel.

You're not in a good position.

You don't have the cards right now.

You're gambling with World War III.

You're gambling with World War III.

Have you said thank you once this entire meeting?

We gave you, through this stupid president, $350 billion.

You're either going to make a deal or we're out.

This is going to be great television, I will say that.

It sure wasn't.

But isn't that what you want from the high-stakes diplomacy and real-life urgency that ending war demands?

And you know, even reporters got some nut shots in.

Why don't you wear a suit?

Oh, shit!

No, you didn't!

Let's do the dozens.

Oh, Zelensky, you're so poor and war-torn, you're down to one Brooks brother.

Oh, shit.

You've so war-torn, you've given up the meaningless protocols of business attire.

If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the stunned faces in the crowd at WWE.

When John Cena turned heel,

I now present you the equally stunned faces of those watching this Oval Office pay-per-view.

Scott, I've never seen anything like that.

You've never seen anything like that.

Wow.

Just wow.

That was something.

Caitlin, I want to start with look at her face.

I mean,

Christiane.

You broke Christiana Omanpur.

The woman wanders unprotected through Taliban-controlled Afghanistan.

Doesn't give a f ⁇ .

Ten minutes of Trump diplomacy, and she's like, is anyone else dizzy?

My A1C is plenty.

Now, of course, there is one big difference between the WWE and the world of politics.

In the WWE, they seemed very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys are.

Nobody walked out of the match pretending that the guy who got nutshotted was the bad guy.

There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing him roll his eyes, seeing him refer to J.D.

Vance, the vice president, as J.D.

He shows up in his Equinox chic outfit to the doggone Oval office.

President Zielinski was also antagonistic, and frankly, he was rude.

So impertinent, so disrespectful, tone deaf, deaf, going in and fighting back, getting sassy with the president.

He was sassy.

He was sassy.

He was sassy.

He was a real scallywag.

You know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him?

I'd say, you better watch your tone, mister.

I think it was Churchill who during World War II was roundly criticized for being a bit lippy.

Excuse me, mister, we'll decide where you're going to fight them, whether it's on the beaches or not or whatever.

Poor guy, Zelensky, his nation was invaded.

He's against all odds, held off a much bigger army for three years.

And we're like, would it kill you to smile a little more?

Dress a little nicer, your beautiful country, nobody would know.

Show off what you got.

You know what I'm talking about?

Maybe some of those rare medals I've been hearing some about.

But of course, if you criticize Trump's very clear hostility to Zelensky and very clear appreciation of Putin as being suspicious or a repudiation of American values as they've been outlined since World War II, Trump's people quickly set up straw men north of Richmond.

If there are no negotiations, what is the alternative?

Another four years of war?

We're not saying there should be no negotiations.

We're just surprised at the side you seem to be negotiating for.

President Trump recognizes the urgent need to end this war after three long bloody years.

President Zelensky has different aims in mind.

Yeah, bullshit.

I'm pretty sure everybody wants.

Everybody wants to end all.

Hitler wanted to end the war, just not the way it ended.

You're pretending that

we have no other options.

Our hearts all break for the suffering and loss and death.

But you know what will be even worse?

World War III.

Yes, I'm sure your heart, in quotation marks, is breaking.

But in your little zero-sum formulation, you are correct.

Total capitulation by Ukraine, loss of all their mineral wealth, and no security guarantees is still better than World War III.

For now.

But you know, everything sounds better if the only other option you're presenting us is World War III.

You can listen to the Amelia Perez composer freestyle another f ⁇ ing verse at the Oscars

or World War III.

Eventually,

you will agree to hear another verse.

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Another major concern here is that Trump called up the National Guard without permission from Gavin Newsom, governor of California and man with strong opinions about the food and business class.

But Newsom is hitting back.

The absurdity of this cannot be understated.

There were 2,000 National Guard that were quote-unquote deployed, of which only 315 actually were mission assigned.

1,700 have no particular role or responsibility.

This wouldn't be the first time someone went to LA looking for a role and couldn't find one.

Hey, you listen to me, 1700 troops.

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You work on your craft, knock down those doors, and most importantly, most importantly, do not go into porn.

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So, okay, Newsom is lobbying the unfathomable accusation that Trump might make decisions without fully thinking them through.

But I'm sure Trump will be the bigger man here.

Earlier in the day, the president suggesting that it might be a good idea if his borders are Tom Homan arrested the California governor.

I went to develop Tom.

I think it's great.

When asked what crime Newsome has committed to warrant arrest, the president responding, I think his

primary crime is running for governor because he's done such a bad job.

That's a a ridiculous statement from Trump.

Gavin Newsom's primary crime is obviously his podcast.

And even if Newsom wasn't good at his job, being a bad governor doesn't mean you should get arrested.

It means you should be mayor of New York.

A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration and America's oldest university.

The federal government announcing it will freeze more than $2 billion in grants for Harvard and $60 million in contracts after the school refused to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate its DEI programs, and make other changes.

Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than Trump's hatred.

Harvard's love of sending rejection letters.

But look, I don't usually root for Harvard because they're Harvard.

They've got everything.

It's like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery.

But in this case, I have to give them credit.

They're standing up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech, even if it means possible financial ruin.

One of the big questions going forward, is Harvard going to dip into that $50 billion-plus endowment to make up for that federal shortfall.

Okay, I hate them again.

But the best part about Harvard's resistance to Donald Trump is that it gives people the chance to go on TV and let you know where they went to school.

I myself am a first-generation college graduate.

I graduated from Harvard.

I should disclose I went to Harvard, so I'm very familiar with the president and with how the community feels right now.

But as a Harvard alum, and as you know I am as well.

I know many alums including people I know very closely and faculty members like me.

I know you look really surprised because

I'm wearing a tie you've never seen before.

It has

It has a little Latin word inside each one of those symbols there, the word veritas,

meaning truth, of course.

And this is the one night it's a one night only appearance of this time i know that that is not something that you usually billboard in the world about yourself

oh god the only thing worse than people bragging about going to harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to harvard it's like oh my darkest secret please don't make me tell anyone please no i went to harvard harvard harvard Harvard

My favorite guy is Lawrence O'Donnell.

He's really embarrassed he has to talk about this.

I mean, it's definitely not something he will bring up all the time over the course of many years.

Let me just say, confessionally, I went to Harvard College.

Most of the good things that have happened to me in some way trace back to Harvard.

You and I,

as Harvard Americans,

I first heard him speak as a guest lecturer at Harvard.

Okay, well, I got into Harvard too.

In fact, it was the only college I applied to.

So I know I'll I'll try to bring people back from the El Salvador mega prison but do they have room for one more?

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We all know President Trump has spent the last two weeks in a wrestling match with the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein, But

he's been fighting the last six months with a much more alive person, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell.

And boy, does Trump hate the guy.

Jerome Powell has done a terrible job.

And frankly, I don't think he could do a worse job.

We have a stupid person, frankly, at the Fed.

He's an average mentally person.

I'd say low in terms of what he does, low.

Low IQ for what he does, okay?

But this,

you know, numbskull, he's a numbskull.

I think he's a total stiff.

You talk to the guy, it's like talking to nothing.

It's like talking to a chair.

No personality.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

You know, whatever happened to all of our exciting, dynamic Federal Reserve chairs?

Who doesn't remember Fed chairman Dirks McGuinty, huh?

Did he crash the economy?

Yes.

But that guy was radical.

Now, you may be wondering what Jerome Powell ever did to make Trump so angry.

I mean, the way Trump talks about him, you'd think they caught him at a Cold Play concert with Trump's wife.

But

at its heart, this is a beef about economics.

Trump wants to lower interest rates to help juice the economy, but Jerome Powell is in charge of setting those interest rates, and he refuses to lower them because he's worried that will increase inflation.

And nothing, nothing makes Trump angrier than someone doing their job well.

He should have cut interest rates a long time ago.

Europe has cut them 10 times in the short period of time, and we cut them none.

The only time he cut them was just before the election to try and help Kamala or Biden, whoever the hell it was, because nobody really knew.

How did that work out?

You'll tell me.

It didn't work out too well, did it?

By the way, if you're wondering what this guy has to do with any of this,

I'll tell you nothing.

That's the crown prince of Bahrain.

He flew across the planet to talk about peace in the Middle East, and now he just has to sit there while Trump works himself up over some personal shit.

It's like when you are at your friend's house for dinner and get dragged into their parents' fights.

Oh, oh, you know what?

Let's ask Timmy.

Timmy, is four beers a normal amount to drink at breakfast?

Tell him, tell Mr.

Patterson, tell Mr.

Patterson.

But yeah, sorry, Your Highness.

It doesn't matter what you were here for.

Just buckle up and enjoy the ride.

He's a terrible, he's a terrible Fed chief.

I was surprised he was appointed.

I was surprised, frankly, that Biden put him in.

Yeah.

Yeah, why did Joe Biden put Jerome Powell in?

Let's go back to when Joe Biden appointed Jerome Powell and see what Joe Biden said about him.

It is my pleasure and my honor to announce my nomination of Jerome Powell to be the next chairman of the Federal Reserve.

He's strong, he's committed, he's smart.

Damn.

Man, Joe Biden looks fat as shit.

Hey, I get it.

I'm also trying desperately to forget everything that happened during Trump's first term.

So

now, you might be wondering, if Trump hates this guy so much, why doesn't he just fire him?

Well, he's been threatening to pretty much non-stop ever since he won the election.

But you tell me if Powell seems phased by it.

Some of the president's elects advisors have suggested that you should resign.

If he asked you to leave, would you go?

No.

Can you follow up on his, do you think that legally you're not required to leave?

No.

Okay.

You don't want to spin it?

Do a little

grandstanding, you know?

The camera's on, give it a little wrestle-dazzle, big day, come on.

But no, no, Jerome Powell truly does not give a f ⁇ about Trump's threats.

To follow up on Victoria's question, do you believe the president has the power to fire or demote you?

Not permitted under the law.

Not what?

Not permitted under the law.

Wow.

He actually.

He went on to add, try me, bitch.

Although, you you know just one more quick follow-up chairman powell do you think i can pull off gene shorts not permitted under the law

harsh but fair

but powell is right the president can't actually fire him the position of fed chairman was designed to be independent from the president to ensure that his decisions will be made free of political pressure but trump thinks he found a loophole.

Yesterday, the president suggested a caveat that he could remove Chairman Powell if there is cause.

He has accused Powell of fraud related to the Fed's multi-year $2 billion renovation project.

He's spending $2.5 billion to,

I guess it's a renovation.

I don't know.

The one thing I didn't see him is a guy that needed a palace to live in.

And now on top of it, he's building a close to $3 billion

little nest egg for himself.

He's doing a little renovation for $2.5 billion of the Fed.

Yes, I've been here this entire time.

By the way, it's crazy to hear Trump complain about the Federal Reserve Palace while he's sitting in his gold-bedazzled office.

Man, that Jerome Powell sure is extravagant.

Don't you agree?

Gold-plated eagle holding up a marble end table?

But on the other hand, Trump's smear campaign is having an effect.

Some of these charges of extravagant spending got to the point where Powell had to deny them under oath.

The media reports that you accurately quoted, they're misleading and inaccurate in many, many respects.

There's no new marble, they're no special elevators, there are no new water features, there's no beehives.

What?

No beehives, not even one?

Well, now I'm worried Jerome Powell isn't spending enough on the renovations.

How can I trust a Fed chairman who isn't licking honey off his fist like Winnie the Pooh?

It seems like they're now trying to make the renovations sound as shitty as possible.

No water feature, no special elevators, and worst of all, they're dismantling the skate park for Dirks McGuinty.

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