TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Scandals

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Folks, we often think of celebrities as being above the law, and rightly so.

For instance, I kill hobos with my bare hands.

Nobody touches me because I'm a television personality.

I like to think of it as cleansing rain, washing the scum off the street.

Well, unfortunately, law enforcement officials have not been looking the other way when it comes to certain celebrities.

Starting in Chicago, where singer R.

Kelly, best known for his work on various NBA highlight reels, was arrested yesterday on 21 counts of child pornography, stemming from a videotape that allegedly shows him having sex with a 14-year-old girl.

Kelly's lawyer insists the girl on the tape was at least 18 years old at the time.

At least according to the Aztec sacrificial moon calendar.

The singer has already settled out of court two other sexual misconduct with minors accusations and one is pending.

But R.

Kelly insists that none of these allegations are true because that works more often than not.

Insisting upon it.

The incriminating tape has been widely circulated on urban street corners and on the internet for months and has already joined the notorious ranks of the Rob Low tape, the Pamela and and Tommy Lee tape.

That's not the picture I would have taken from that tape, but

fair enough.

And of course, most infamous of all, the Charles Derning Dame Maggie Smith steamroom sessions.

You really have to see those.

In Los Angeles, yet another celebrity is mired in a criminal case, Winona Ryder, who was in court Monday for a preliminary hearing for her shoplifting and drug possession arrest.

Prosecutors allege Ryder stole nearly $5,000 worth of merchandise from the Beverly Hills Sachs Fifth Avenue, and they have the surveillance tape to prove it.

Now whether or not the cameras actually captured Ryder shoplifting is arguable, but all parties agree what's on those tapes is way better than autumn in New York.

I didn't realize that's the picture from the cover of that thing.

Even Gere's ashamed.

Why not Pretty Woman 5?

The hearing was actually delayed when during her arrival to court, the crush of media caused an overzealous cameraman to ram into Ryder and injure her arm.

Ryder's elbow was fractured in the incident, while the cameraman remains in stable but scummy condition.

Ryder's ex-boyfriends, Johnny Depp, Christian Slater, Daniel Day-Lewis, Dave Perner, David DuCovny, Matt Damon, Chris Knoth,

Beck, Evan Dando, Jama Raquai, Paul Westerberg, Jimmy Fallon, Jack White, Pete Yorn, Ryan Adams, and every member of Willco

could not be reached for comment.

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Speaking of welcome to 2018, yesterday, Kim Kardashian made a visit to the White House for a one-on-one meeting with President Trump.

And I know, I know that there's some of you thinking, I can't believe this reality show moron is in the Oval Office, but don't forget, he was elected by the American people.

So show some respect.

And you know, I don't know about you, but whenever I see a photo of someone next to Donald Trump in the Oval Office, I always play this little game in my head where I try to decide if the other person would be a better president than him.

And pretty much every single time, the answer is yes.

Like in this one, yes.

Yeah.

Or in that one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this one?

This one over here?

Definitely.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, because at least they're not allowed on Twitter yet.

Yeah, it would work.

And honestly, I'm not surprised to see Kim Kardashian meeting with Donald Trump.

These two have so much in common.

They're both reality stars.

They're both big on social media.

Kanye loves both of them.

They both believe in employing everyone in their family, no matter how useless they are.

So it makes sense.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump yesterday, and it turns out she was there for something legit.

Kim Kardashian at the White House for reasons you may not expect.

The reality star lobbying for a pardon for a convicted drug trafficker and great-grandmother whose cause has caught her eye.

After 21 years in a federal prison on drug charges, Kim Kardashian wants President Trump to grant 62-year-old great-grandmother Alice Marie Johnson a pardon.

Kardashian took up Johnson's cause months ago.

She spent over two decades behind bars.

I think that she really deserves a second chance at life.

Weirdest episode of The Kardashians ever.

And now, while many people applauded Kim for lobbying the president on behalf of an incarcerated great-grandmother, not everyone was happy to see her in the Oval Office.

The fact that Kim Kardashian is here at the White House today and what planet that is anything resembling normal, because it's not.

She shouldn't be here talking about prison reform.

It's very nice that she is here, but that's not a serious thing to have happened here at the White House.

Really?

She shouldn't be here?

You think Kim Kardashian brings down Donald Trump's Oval Office?

Is that what you think?

What could she do to make him worse than he already is?

What could she do?

Like, if anything, I want her to stay there longer.

She could probably teach Donald Trump a thing or two about diplomacy.

Like, hopefully, she could be like, like, you should, like, treat China the same way that we treat black China.

Because she's an outsider.

No one trusts her, but we've learned to coexist.

Now,

Kim.

Kim was at the White House to discuss the release of one specific person.

But whether she planned it or not, her visit has put a spotlight on harsh sentences for drug crimes.

You know, in the same way her sex tape put a spotlight on Ray J's music career, another terrible thing that many people didn't know existed.

So the big question is, did Kim Kardashian successfully convince Trump to use his pardon powers?

And the answer is, yes.

Although, as always with any Kardashian story, there's a big but.

President Trump announcing today that he will pardon conservative commentator and filmmaker Dinesh D'Souza.

We'll be giving a full pardon to Dinesh D'Souza today.

He was treated very unfairly by our government.

D'Souza did plead guilty to these violating these federal campaign finance laws back in 2014.

He's perhaps best known as a provocateur who regularly pushes right-wing conspiracy theories and spews racist commentary.

Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I did not see that coming.

After his meeting with Kim, President Trump decided to ignore her and instead pardon a right-wing troll who is known for saying things like, Obama is a a gay Muslim, black people are thugs, the Charlottesville rally was staged.

So basically, Kim Kardashian said, can you pardon a black grandmother?

And Trump said, no, but I can pardon a brown grand wizard.

Is that good enough?

Yeah.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying being an asshole is a reason enough not to pardon someone.

What I am saying is that maybe Trump pardoned D'Souza because he is an asshole.

Yeah, because Trump doesn't care about sentencing reform or government overreach.

All he cares about is doing favors for people who he likes.

So Kim Kardashian, if you really want to get a pardon for your cocaine grandma, forget the meetings.

Just tell her to start sending out racist Obama tweets and she'll be out in a week.

Breaking overnight, Kim Kardashian West robbed at gunpoint.

Armed gunmen dressed as police officers locked her in a bathroom and got away with millions in jewelry.

The robbers fled with around $10 million worth of jewelry, including a ring worth around $4.5 million.

A spokesman for Kardashian West said she was badly shaken but physically unharmed.

Husband Kanye West on stage in New York cut a concert short.

I'm sorry, the family emergency I have to stop show.

Wow.

What an insane day to be living for both of them.

And I'm so glad that Kim and her family are safe.

That must have been scary, especially for Kanye.

Think about it to find out in the middle of your show that your wife is in trouble.

But real quick, sound guy at the show.

When the person on stage is breaking bad news, maybe next time turn off the auto-tune

so we know that it's not part of the performance.

I mean, listen to this.

I'm sorry, this is a family emergency.

I have to stop the show.

The man is terrified, and everyone is like, oh my god, it's his new track, Family Emergency.

I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That sound guy totally messed up because auto-tune and bad news don't mix.

From Dallas, the flash apparently official.

President Kennedy died at 1 p.m.

Central Standard Time.

Tragic news from Syria today.

A UN convoy has been bombed by the Russians.

Back to you in the studio, Wolves.

It doesn't mix.

It doesn't mix.

Turn it off.

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on Saturday, Beyonce dropped her new song Formation.

And in typical Beyoncé fashion, there was an epic video to go along with it.

Everybody in the Bayhive went to Knowles Con 1, which is reserved only for the most intense Beyoncé drops.

JK, we're always in Knolls Con 1.

And it was awesome because there was so much in this video about black female empowerment.

But it's not just about self-love.

I mean, she calls out police brutality and the constant fear that black people have of the police.

She even threw back to Hurricane Katrina.

The black girl magic in that video was out of control.

She was like a beautiful black dumbledore, but wearing a really nice weed and $3,000 worth of Gucci.

And that was just the tailgate before the big game.

It really was an amazing show, but not everyone was ready for that jelly.

In the end, we find out that Beyonce dressed up in a tribute to the Black Panthers, went to a Malcolm X formation, and the song, the lyrics, which I couldn't make out a syllable, were basically telling cops to stop shooting blacks.

I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers.

Is there anything in America which can exclude race?

I mean, why is race brought into the halftime show at a Super Bowl game?

Why?

Race was brought in because Beyonce was brought in.

And brace yourself, you might want to sit down for this, but Beyonce is black.

And as a black person, you walk around every day constantly reminded that you are black.

We're more likely to get paid less, we're more likely to get sent to prison, and we're more likely to win a dance competition.

But it's not all bad.

The point is, Beyonce is black, and this song is her message.

That's what artists do.

Their message is in their music.

Like how Chris Martin wore his Global Citizen armband to promote his message of ending worldwide poverty.

Or how Bruno Mars delivered his message about how Uptown was gonna funk me up.

That's a threat.

I live uptown.

I barely slept after that performance.

How dare he say something like that?

And why are people surprised that Beyonce would send a message during the show?

She's done this since the beginning of her career.

Have we forgotten when she addressed the importance of mental health and crazy in love?

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no, indeed.

But look, I get it.

Beyonce wasn't just doing any television performance.

I mean, this was the Super Bowl.

And that's what got some people pissed.

You're talking to Middle America

when you got a sweet, we have a Super Bowl.

So if you can have entertainment, let's have, you know, decent, wholesome entertainment.

Okay, so first of all, are you saying that you can't talk about race issues to middle America?

What are they?

So delicate and unaware and maybe so white that Beyonce is too much for them?

You know what's right in the middle of America?

Ferguson, Missouri.

And furthermore, furthermore,

I am so sorry that this wasn't wholesome enough for you.

I didn't realize that singing about race was equivalent to Janet Jackson getting her titty pulled out at the Super Bowl.

But you're right.

You know what?

The fans deserve wholesome entertainment, like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like we're extras in the movie Gladiator.

So, what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone?

Were you not entertained?

Famous,

naughty

bits.

The FBI is investigating the photo hacking that targeted Hollywood celebrities.

Dozens of nude and risque photos posted.

This targeted everyone from an Oscar winner to music superstars and models.

No star was off limits.

Yeah, that's right.

Those were personal pictures that she took for Tramp's birthday.

And I,

I, for one, am upset.

How the hell did a hacker steal

private photographs?

To find out how this was done, you got to go to the experts.

No one knows exactly who did this or exactly how those photos were obtained.

It is not clear who hacked the photos.

Who uploaded those photos?

Who posted the photos?

We know that the data made it onto the phones, and we we know that the phones stored the photographs.

What we don't know is what happened next.

Why are you on my television?

Once again, leave watching the news, somehow knowing less than when I started.

So even the experts can't explain how this happened.

But one company is already taking an awful lot of heat.

Data hidden within the files reveals most of the images were taken with an Apple iPhone, which is why the company's popular online backup service, iCloud, came under instant scrutiny.

You're telling me that something named after what appears firm and stable, but is really just a mass of water vapor

might provide only the illusion of security.

Interesting.

So, what's the takeaway here?

Better security in the cloud?

Your two-step verifications there?

Or maybe something, I don't know, blamier?

If you don't want nude pictures of yourself to appear to the world, don't take the nude pictures in the first place.

Don't take pictures of yourself with your goods and your face.

Don't take nude photos.

Taking pictures of themselves naked, I'm just sort of stuck on that.

Why?

Why?

Yes, why?

Why would a human being want to look at another human being's naked body?

It makes no sense.

And why?

Why do people want to touch other people where they go to the bathroom?

Why do people do, I mean, what's wrong with just working all the time?

I just want to work.

I take callodipin and just hope it all goes away.

That's from my

one-man show.

Johnny is ashamed.

But I get it.

These women were asking for it.

It's like they said to the Boston Stranglers victims.

You don't want to get strangled.

You shouldn't have had a neck.

Look.

People should be free to take photos of themselves doing whatever intimate things they want for their own private enjoyment with the reasonable expectation that the internet will not make their nipples the next dramatic chipmunk.

Who, by the way, is actually a prairie dog.

I wanted to get that out there for a long time.

It's a prairie dog.

He was known as a dramatic chipmunk.

The truth is, he was a prairie dog.

I've been waiting a long time to say that.

Now I got nothing left to look forward to.

The point is, is, according to these people, the laws covering private property and stealing are somehow null and void when it comes to recreational nudity.

It's the same thing that parents teach their kids about sexting.

You don't take pictures and send them to somebody and expect them not to share them with anybody.

These pictures weren't shared.

These are pictures of their private parts.

They were password protected.

That is safer than even people's pants, where people keep their money and keys and their actual peanut and vagina.

And by the way, for those blaming the current generation for all this, it's not like Steve Jobs invented the nude portrait.

iPhones and the internet are just a more efficient nudity delivery mechanism.

In fact, let me give you my impression.

Here we go.

This is my impression of what do you call it there?

Like

the inventor of the Polaroid here.

Let me just hold on.

10 seconds after inventing the Polaroid.

Here's my impression.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, yeah.

For more,

we turn to our...

For more, we turn to our senior technology correspondent, Jordan Clepper, who's in Hollywood.

Jordan, thanks for...

Yeah.

Here you go, people.

Drink it all in.

You win, hackers.

You win.

You happy?

First of all, it's nice to see you've been working out.

Second of all...

Why are you naked?

I'm taking back my sexual power.

You know, you want celebrity naughty bits?

Here they are.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Dinner time, you sick.

Wait.

And

what's all the writing?

Oh, it's all my personal info.

Yep.

Here's my bank account number, my Pinterest login.

This is my parents' home phone number in case I get lost.

You basically, you've completely given up trying to protect

your private

everything

from hackers.

No point in trying, John.

They'll find it anyway.

If I don't upload nude photos, they'll break into my house at night, yank off the covers, and snap a picture of me and my slumber chub.

Your

slumber chub.

Daddy's got a rest, John.

I understand, Jordan.

I mean this in no disrespect here, but I don't think hackers, the general public, etc., are really clamoring to see you naked.

What?

What are you talking about, John?

We are all being hunted.

J-Law, Jay-Lo, Jay Clepp.

People want to see our J-Unk.

So I'm giving them mine, Jay-Un.

But that's the thing, actually.

No one actually is hunting for men's junk.

The only victims of these crimes are women.

It's another way to harass women.

I see men's dick pics all the time.

Constantly.

Anthony Weiner, Brett Favre, Kanye.

But nobody was seeking those out.

Those gentlemen sent those pictures, generally unsolicited, to an unwanting public.

Okay, I think I see what you're getting at here.

So, if someone wants to actually redeem it, it's, well, it's actually more of a numbers game.

That's exactly right, Jordan.

And I absolutely think that, you know, it's not that, hold on, I'm getting a text on the.

Oh, Jordan.

You can't prove that was my dick pic I just sent you.

It's signed right on it: this is Jordan Clepper's penis.

And by the way, congratulations.

Thank you.

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And like the rest of us, our nation's celebrities, perhaps our greatest natural resource, have gone through a range of responses to this disaster.

There are, of course, five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The White House has denial covered, so most celebrities moved right along to anger.

Like this moment from NBC's Benefit Telephon, where Mike Myers was hilariously mismatched with rapper Kanye West.

See if you can figure out which one of them went off script.

The destruction of the spirit of the people of southern Louisiana and Mississippi may end up being the most tragic loss of all.

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

West comments.

West's comments, Kanye West's comments went out live to most of the country, though NBC cleverly edited his comments for the West Coast feed.

See if you can spot the change.

The destruction of the spirit of the people of southern Louisiana and Mississippi may end up being the most tragic loss of all.

George Bush doesn't care about anything but results.

Being a domestic abuser is tough, but it's even tougher when you're a celebrity domestic abuser.

Now, three more entrees into our continuing series.

Hopefully, you're going to jail.

Former Guns N' Roses League guitarist Slash, better known to his rabbi as Saul Hudson, was arrested Saturday night for allegedly beating his live-in girlfriend.

Investigators determined the woman was Slash's live-in girlfriend because she was still in his apartment after 6 a.m.

and wasn't carrying a feather duster.

Meanwhile, legendary sexploitation director and breast fetishist Russ Meyer, auteur of such classics as Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill, and Super Vixens, awoke on May 26 to find his longtime girlfriend, Deborah Angela Masson, hitting him in the face.

Though to Meyer's great disappointment, only with her hands.

Masson reportedly complained that the couple no longer had anything in common, that all Meyer wanted to do all day was lie on the couch and beg her to stop punching him.

And finally, a story with a happy ending, troubled football player Lawrence Phillips, that's his full name, troubled football player Lawrence Phillips, has just signed a two-year contract with the San Francisco 49ers worth nearly $2 million,

though Phillips has a long history of domestic violence and arrests.

49ers general manager Bill Walsh said, quote, I expect and understand totally fans who would have a concern would be disturbed or never want to see another 49ers game.

But he added, if you stop following a team every time a felon signs with them, I'll see you at the ballet.

Martha Stewart has been indicted.

Nine count indictments.

Martha Stewart has taken the walk into the federal courthouse.

But it certainly is a tragedy.

10 years jail time.

Bear with me here because it's a pretty lengthy indictment.

Martha Stewart knew what she was doing was wrong.

After terrorism, this is the number two priority for the Justice Department.

Yes!

Finally captured Martha Stewart.

You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, Tycho, and Adelphia.

We finally got the ringleader.

Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.

Stewart was indicted in New York today on nine counts of insider trading stemming from her 2001 sale of 4,000 shares of M-Clone stock, which she allegedly sold after receiving an insider tip from then M-Clone president and friend Sam Woxall.

If convicted on all charges, Stewart could face 30 years in prison and a $2 million fine, which is fair because she's unlikable.

You may not like Martha Stewart.

You may find her cold.

You may find her plum tarts sinfully decadent.

But

on the scale of recent white-collar crime, the $45,000 she saved dumping MCLO stock,

That's not breaking news.

Here's what would be breaking news.

Good evening.

We have just received word that Ken Lay has announced his engagement to his jailhouse cellmate of two years,

Zeke.

You all remember Ken Lay.

He spent most of the 90s sipping delicate broth from the emptied skulls of impoverished retirees.

And of course, impressed the entire country when he confessed fully to his misdeeds, the massive fraud he and his Enron cohorts perpetrated.

Said Kenneth Lay at the time, quote,

sure I could use my connections to get the SEC to drag their feet until you'd all forgotten about me, but haven't I done enough damage already?

Once again, Ken Lay now paying his debt to society through painful acts of sodomy.

That would be news.

But back to Martha Stewart, is all this turmoil going to crush her company?

One shareholder weighed in.

And I'm coming away with a very

positive attitude about the whole company.

And I would invest more money in the company.

I would buy more shares.

I get it.

Go on national TV and say everything's great.

Pump the price up and then you get it.

Classic pump and dump.

Let me tell you something, lady.

I'm not going to fall for that again.

But we leave it.

Oh, do you like me?

Read the joke.

We leave the last word on this issue to Martha Stewart herself, subtly portrayed by Sybil Shepard.

We have some special friends to help me bake a birthday cake.

They'll be our cookie of the week.

And of course, we're going to learn something new.

So stay tuned.

It'll be fun.

And cups.

Who opened three bottles of wine?

Do you know how much a good bottle of red wine costs?

And for God's sake, did I not ask Farmer Lowe?

she's the one who should go to jail

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