TDS Time Machine | Halloween

Speaker 1 Cold mornings, holiday plans, this is when I want my wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things I'll actually wear.
For me, that's Quince. And the bonus?

Speaker 1 Quince pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart, and easy with Quince.

Speaker 1 $50 cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury, and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable.

Speaker 1 Their denim nails the fit and everyday comfort at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay.

Speaker 1 By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middlemen to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high-end brands.

Speaker 1 So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. Give and get timeless holiday staples that last the season with Quince.

Speaker 1 Go to quince.com/slash daily show for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too.
That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com/slash daily show. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Speaker 1 Quince.com/slash daily show.

Speaker 2 When cool, creamy ranch meets tangy, bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce. Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch Sauce only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 4 At participating McDonald's,

Speaker 5 you're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 November is upon us, but the memories of this year's Halloween linger on, memories that hang from the branches of trees in your front yard or remain splattered on the hood of your Ford Wind star.

Speaker 6 But lawmakers of the House of Representatives will remember this Halloween season as the time a large group of men in incredibly authentic SWAT costumes evacuated them for two hours after security mistook a toy gun carried by two congressional staffers on their way to a Halloween party as a real gun.

Speaker 6 Basically it was kind of this.

Speaker 9 Tricker, put that up your head down or I will blow your head off. Do you understand me?

Speaker 6 TCB in it.

Speaker 6 U.S. Capitol Police Chief Terrence Gaynor explained the situation.

Speaker 10 The item that was brought in was brought in by the females. I don't think they had any ill intent.

Speaker 10 They had their Halloween costumes in preparation for parties tonight and tomorrow, and I just don't think we're thinking clearly through this.

Speaker 12 He added, but what do I know?

Speaker 6 I'm actually just an accountant in a policeman's costume. Now,

Speaker 6 give me a Snickers, or you're under arrest.

Speaker 6 Illinois Congressman John Shimkiss, known to his friends as Shimkus!

Speaker 16 Admitted, I don't know that for a fact, by the way.

Speaker 6 Admitted afterwards, a member of his staff was behind the scare and apologized, saying, quote, the staffers wish to convey their deepest regrets to all members.

Speaker 6 This was an unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding.

Speaker 6 In a related story, Kobe Bryant has now changed his plea to unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding.

Speaker 19 Hello, my dearies. Halloween is right around the corner.
Which reminds me, I need to get a costume.

Speaker 19 Now, according to my local CBS, Halloween is a two-month festival beginning September 1st, which celebrates the worst candy of all time.

Speaker 19 But actually, Halloween is an ancient holiday with a rich and spooky history. And by spooky, I mean

Speaker 21 interesting.

Speaker 19 It all started in ancient Ireland, where they celebrated the earliest version of Halloween, the festival of Sawen.

Speaker 19 That's right, the Irish gave us not one, but two holidays where people get wasted and have sex behind a dunkin' doughnuts. Hey, Ireland.
Thank you.

Speaker 19 They believe that on the night of October 31st, the veil between the world and the afterlife was lifted, and that spirits returned for one night, like a divorced dad on your birthday.

Speaker 19 So to win favor with the spirits, they lit bonfires and offered gifts to them. But most importantly, they disguised themselves in costumes so the dead wouldn't recognize them.

Speaker 19 Because trust me, no one wants to get stuck in a conversation with the ghosts. They're always like, avenge me, avenge me.
It's like, okay, weirdo, I just met you.

Speaker 19 Costumes during Samhen consisted of animal heads and skins. Ew.
But in their defense, it was ancient times. Those were the only costumes Party City had back then.

Speaker 19 For thousands of years, Samwin was celebrated in Ireland by the Celtics. Sorry, Celtics.
Until Ireland got a very special delivery on its doorstep. Catholicism!

Speaker 19 And the Catholics gave the festival a holy makeover, naming November 1st All Saints Day, aka All Hallows, making the night before Hallows Eve. Eventually, this evolved into Halloween.

Speaker 19 Like many other scary things, you have the Catholic Church to thank. After this transition, the earliest version of trick-or-treating began.

Speaker 19 Medieval beggars would pray for people's dead relatives in exchange for food. And that's pretty depressing.
Outsourcing your praying to the less fortunate? I mean, how lazy are you? Ooh.

Speaker 19 My postmates with a single bottle of water is here. Bring it in.

Speaker 19 But there was fun trick-or-treating too. Kids dressed up in costumes and offered to sing or recite a poem in exchange for food or money or wine.
And I know what you're thinking. Kids drinking wine?

Speaker 19 But don't worry, it's Irish wine, so it's basically just rancid grape juice.

Speaker 19 In the 18th and 19th centuries, Halloween started getting popular around the world, especially in America, after a Halloween poem by Robert Burns became popular.

Speaker 19 And I know it might seem weird that something became mainstream due to poetry, but if you think about it, it's the same way we all learned about scissor.

Speaker 19 At the turn of the century, the influx of Irish immigrants made Halloween even bigger in the U.S. And it actually started to get a little rowdy.

Speaker 19 Kids used the day as an excuse for vandalism and general assholery, a tradition that continues to this day.

Speaker 19 Motherfer, I will kick your ass at soccer practice, Timmy!

Speaker 19 It was so bad, some politicians wanted to cancel Halloween altogether. Luckily, the solution was already built in, trick-or-treating.

Speaker 19 Everyone figured out that if they gave kids treats in exchange for not acting like little dickheads, they'd be chill. Trick-or-treating exploded by the 1950s with the mass production of candy.

Speaker 19 Although back then, candy was weird. They had all these suggestive names like Zagnuts and Sugar Daddies.
If you like candy, kids, you'll love Uncle Jimmy's pole smokers.

Speaker 19 Hmm, pole.

Speaker 19 By the 1970s, Halloween wasn't just for kids anymore. Adults started to get into it too.
They threw parties, they wore costumes, some sexy and some really sexy.

Speaker 19 Oh yeah, Dick Nick's hive, hive, where you at?

Speaker 19 These days, Halloween has taken on a new meaning, celebrating the macabre and having a safe space to explore our identities with our friends and family. I'm just fing with you.

Speaker 19 It's about making as much money as possible. It's the most expensive holiday after Christmas, and we don't even get a PlayStation out of it.

Speaker 19 Just some highly regrettable photos and a mouthful of cavities.

Speaker 19 Lost another one.

Speaker 19 So now you know how Halloween got to be so spooktacular. I hope everyone out there has a safe and fun time this year.

Speaker 19 Enjoy it, because the next holiday is Thanksgiving, when you have to spend the whole day with your entire family.

Speaker 23 If we knew more about our sleep, what would we do differently? Would we go to bed at a consistent time or take steps to reduce interruptions to our sleep?

Speaker 23 With the all-new sleep score, Apple Watch measures your bedtime consistency, interruptions, interruptions, and sleep duration.

Speaker 23 Then, every morning it combines these factors into an easy-to-understand score from 1 to 100. So you'll know how to take the quality of your sleep from good to excellent.

Speaker 17 Introducing the new sleep score on Apple Watch, iPhone 11 or later required.

Speaker 6 Tragically lost in the hoopla of this year's political campaigns has been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening here with their thoughts on this important national holiday.

Speaker 6 Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert with Even Stephen.

Speaker 5 You just made me vomit in my own mouth.

Speaker 25 What's the weather like up your own axe?

Speaker 27 Tonight's topic, Halloween.

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 27 Yes. Nope.

Speaker 16 Every year the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of all Hallows Eve.

Speaker 16 Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation. And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord.

Speaker 31 Steve?

Speaker 27 Come on, Stephen.

Speaker 27 It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats, and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soak some windows, or set a few fires, and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car.

Speaker 27 Stephen, it's about fun, it's about frolic, it's about candy.

Speaker 16 Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars.

Speaker 33 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 32 Wait a second, Stephen.

Speaker 27 Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers, bar, or peanut butter cup.

Speaker 16 No, I ate carrot sticks, and my parents gave out little bags of applesauce.

Speaker 28 Are you serious?

Speaker 28 Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes, yes, I do.

Speaker 32 Flaming bags of excrement

Speaker 27 were thrown at their houses.

Speaker 5 Do you know who had to clean that up the next day

Speaker 15 when the neighborhood girls were walking to school and laughing at you and going, There's sticky Steve.

Speaker 34 Stephen,

Speaker 32 can I ask you something?

Speaker 34 Did you even trick-or-treat as a kid?

Speaker 29 That's not something my family did. We didn't...

Speaker 32 I'm sorry.

Speaker 28 Well, that must have been very hard.

Speaker 29 No,

Speaker 29 not at all. It was fun.

Speaker 36 You know what?

Speaker 32 I have some treats here.

Speaker 33 Could have a little Halloween right here, huh?

Speaker 32 No, thank you. A couple treats? No.

Speaker 15 No, thank you.

Speaker 29 No, they cause cavity, Steve. I'm not interested at all.

Speaker 21 What's that big one?

Speaker 37 The big one.

Speaker 32 Well, you have a good eye, my friend.

Speaker 28 This would be a butterfinger.

Speaker 20 What do they do?

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 33 they crunch and then they get all chocolatey on you.

Speaker 13 Chocolatey. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Want a butterfinger?

Speaker 27 You know what? You want a butterfinger?

Speaker 5 No, I don't. Thank you.
No.

Speaker 5 Ring my doorbell. I don't think so.

Speaker 15 Ring the doorbell. I don't want to.

Speaker 27 Go ahead. Ding-dong.
Oh, who could that be?

Speaker 15 Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump.

Speaker 15 Oh,

Speaker 13 hey!

Speaker 18 How adorable!

Speaker 28 And who are you?

Speaker 29 A correspondent.

Speaker 27 And a very scary correspondent.

Speaker 30 What do you say?

Speaker 36 I don't know.

Speaker 32 What do you say? You know what to say.

Speaker 33 I don't know what to do. Three little words.
I want candy. No, no, no.

Speaker 28 You know the words.

Speaker 27 Go ahead.

Speaker 33 Say the words.

Speaker 33 Trick. Trick.

Speaker 13 Trick. Trick.

Speaker 26 Trick-or-tree.

Speaker 33 Oh, Halloween isn't until tomorrow. Bye!

Speaker 15 Clink! No!

Speaker 27 I want candy!

Speaker 33 I'm Steve Correll. I want the candy!

Speaker 27 And this has been Even Stevens.

Speaker 15 I want to be a vampire.

Speaker 8 Some news stories help us understand the world we live in.

Speaker 38 And some news stories are just stupid.

Speaker 8 For those, we turn to Ronnie Chang.

Speaker 25 Thanks, Trevor.

Speaker 39 It's Halloween again.

Speaker 39 Or as I like to call it, the stupidest time of the year. Because you've got dumb kids coming to your house begging for candy.

Speaker 39 And then you have everyone else trying to come up with a costume that's topical but also hot. Oh, look at me.

Speaker 37 I'm sexy, quid pro quo.

Speaker 39 What does that even mean?

Speaker 39 But Halloween also means businesses are pretending they're cool by coming out with spooky promotions like this guy.

Speaker 38 A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house. Check it out.
Customers can enjoy the spooky experience while riding through the car wash.

Speaker 38 These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes will wipe down cars and scare customers. The frightening car wash costs 20 bucks.

Speaker 41 Not only are you locked in your car in a haunted house, but you're gonna go home with what we think is the cleanest car in Ohio.

Speaker 39 The cleanest car in Ohio. Who cares? It's still in Ohio.

Speaker 39 I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else. More importantly, why do you have to combine these two things? How busy are people?

Speaker 39 Are you really just sitting around like, yo, I got time for a haunted house or a car wash? I can't do both.

Speaker 39 And how is this even scary? I'm not scared of Freddy Krueger if he's working for me for tips.

Speaker 39 But if you want a haunted house that has less sitting and more crap in your pants, then you're in luck.

Speaker 42 The country's scariest haunted house is offering $20,000 for anyone who can get through this thing.

Speaker 43 So just to get in, you'll need to watch a two-hour long video, sign a 40 page waiver, bring a doctor's note saying you passed the physical, and have a safe word for when you want to give up.

Speaker 43 The haunted house includes intense audio, lighting, extreme low visibility, gross stuff, close contact with creatures, they may touch you, and graphic and pretty real scenes of horror.

Speaker 44 Now, the tour taps into your personal fears, such as being buried alive or drowning. The entire experience can last up to 10 hours.

Speaker 45 Holy shit.

Speaker 39 Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you. That's not a haunted house.
That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

Speaker 39 Look, can we all just agree that haunted houses are stupid? It's a bunch of losers yelling, boo, you're booing me?

Speaker 20 I'm booing you.

Speaker 37 Boo.

Speaker 45 Boo, that blood looks fake, boo.

Speaker 39 The whole idea of a haunted house combines two things I don't want to do, okay? Be scared and go to someone else's house.

Speaker 39 I mean, if you want to spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date.

Speaker 39 Oh, wow, that's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before.

Speaker 39 Honestly, the scariest thing thing about Halloween is how corporate it is. Okay, you can't do anything without running into promotional bullshit.

Speaker 47 Just in time for Halloween Burger Kings introducing what they're calling the ghost whopper.

Speaker 48 Chipotle is back with its annual burrito deal for Halloween. If customers come in dressed in costume on Halloween, they can get a burrito for just four bucks.

Speaker 47 In honor of Halloween, the coffee giant is debuting. Check it out right there, the Phantom Frappuccino.

Speaker 43 It is a black and green drink.

Speaker 50 The food product designed to look like slime contains charcoal powder to add the black coloring. Well activated charcoal is banned in New York City because of safety concerns tied to it.

Speaker 39 Damn, that drink got banned in New York. Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat, right?

Speaker 45 So yo.

Speaker 39 And if you ask me, all these gimmicks are so unnecessary. Fast food is already scary, okay? Just put a flashlight under your chin and read the list of ingredients.

Speaker 30 Wow, Ronnie, Ronnie, you're really not into the season.

Speaker 51 Are you like, do you celebrate anything Halloween?

Speaker 39 Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. I love getting a Halloween spirit.
I buy candy and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces to show that nothing in life is free.

Speaker 30 Ronnie Chang, everyone!

Speaker 52 We'll be right back.

Speaker 53 This episode is brought to you by Ulta Beauty. Holiday Cheer is here, and Ulta Beauty has gifts for everyone on your list.

Speaker 53 Treat them to fan-favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from YSL, Ariana Grande, and Carolina Herrera.

Speaker 53 And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful.
Ulta Beauty gifting happens here.

Speaker 54 You know how to make a great meal.

Speaker 54 And when it comes to the mess, Palmala knows how to handle it.

Speaker 54 Palmala Vultra removes up to 2.5 times the grease versus Dawn Non-Concentrated. Palmolive's most powerful formula instantly cuts grease, leaving you with sparkling clean dishes.

Speaker 13 Palmala Vultra.

Speaker 54 Click or tap the banner to shop now or visit Palmolive.com.

Speaker 36 From what I understand, Halloween is next week. Now, I've not settled on a costume yet.
I've narrowed it down to the boss.

Speaker 55 the cake boss,

Speaker 17 or undercover boss.

Speaker 21 There you go.

Speaker 46 But on the bright side, at least I'm not a lady shopping for a costume.

Speaker 22 You look for a Halloween costume as a lady, and it's hard to find one where you don't look like a hussy.

Speaker 36 Hard to not look like a hussy. God forbid you look like a loose woman from the 50s.

Speaker 7 Overtly sexy Halloween costumes is an undeniable trend.

Speaker 36 For more, we're joined by senior women's issues correspondent, Kristen Shaw.

Speaker 21 Kristen, thanks for joining us.

Speaker 21 How are you?

Speaker 21 And go.

Speaker 7 Kristen, it does seem these costumes for women

Speaker 6 keep getting more and more sexed up.

Speaker 56 I know, John. Isn't it great?

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 56 The fact that women get this one night, only one out of the whole year to be viewed as sexual objects. And they get to choose what kind.

Speaker 56 You can be a sexy pirate, a sexy nurse, an even sexier nurse, a sexy defense attorney, or her nemesis, the sexy prosecutor. You're out of order.
No, you're out of order. Ugh, let's just make out.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 21 So you're, you're, you're,

Speaker 35 you see this and the crowd is. I like that.

Speaker 36 You're not upset about this in any way.

Speaker 56 Why? Why would I be upset about progress, John? I mean, when my mom was growing up in the oppressive olden days, she only had two options for a Halloween costume, sexy secretary or sexy meter maid.

Speaker 56 But in these modern liberated times, a woman is free to be a sexy whatever the hell she wants.

Speaker 36 Sort of like a glass ceiling that you break by putting them on the glass, you know what I mean?

Speaker 46 Putting the boobs on the glass.

Speaker 55 It's not like putting a, you know what I mean?

Speaker 56 Yeah, your sharp, spiky boobs, John.

Speaker 21 This girl has never seen real boobs.

Speaker 56 And this year, women can even be sexy inanimate objects. I am not making these up.
All right. You've got your sexy carrots, your sexy guitars, or this one for sexy card lovers.

Speaker 58 You want a pizza made?

Speaker 58 This costume includes a padded mini dress with topping detail and crossed shoulder pads.

Speaker 50 I gotta tell you though, in my mind,

Speaker 36 to be perfectly honest, I don't know that pizza needs cleavage to make it sexy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 56 Yeah, you said it, boss.

Speaker 13 This guy fing pizza.

Speaker 26 What?

Speaker 55 But I mean, think about men's costumes, though.

Speaker 36 I mean, they are sort of empowering. You know, you can be superheroes, Jedi masters, you know, and you don't have to show your,

Speaker 36 you know, your

Speaker 55 bits and pieces. You know what I mean? It's just, yeah.

Speaker 21 You're right.

Speaker 56 It's not fair. Yeah.
They should be allowed to be sexy, too. That's why I've designed my own line of sexy costumes for men.
Come on up, Gustav.

Speaker 18 Gusta!

Speaker 18 Yeah!

Speaker 56 Tell me this costume isn't dead sexy.

Speaker 46 He just looks like some dude.

Speaker 36 It's not.

Speaker 56 Some dude? John.

Speaker 56 Gustav is modeling the costume called Sexy Hollywood producer who hires women over 40 for meaningful, age-appropriate roles.

Speaker 56 Bam!

Speaker 21 Get out of here,

Speaker 37 And he's from Austria, apparently. Yeah.

Speaker 7 You really think, you don't think that women's costumes are getting out of hand because it seems...

Speaker 56 No, I don't think they go far enough. Ladies, why are we being so coy about this? Why don't we just show everyone what we mean?

Speaker 56 Why don't we just show everyone what we mean when we put on those sexy kitty carrot nurse costumes and take things to the obvious next level. Introducing my 2014 line of sexy costumes for women.

Speaker 53 Come on out, female Gustav.

Speaker 39 What's up?

Speaker 39 I don't know. Listen, kids,

Speaker 39 I don't know.

Speaker 46 I don't know if we can show this.

Speaker 36 I don't know if this is something that we can show.

Speaker 56 I call this one the sexy vagina.

Speaker 56 And what better way to get everyone thinking about sex than dressing up as the place where sex happens?

Speaker 36 Yeah, but it's just, this somehow seems worse for women than just, you know, degrade.

Speaker 46 I don't know.

Speaker 56 All right, I know what you're into, John. Calm down.

Speaker 21 Right.

Speaker 21 Huh?

Speaker 21 Ooh, wow.

Speaker 21 Whoa, hello! Sexiest pizza ever!

Speaker 56 Does the cheese match the crust? Ooh, she'll never tell.

Speaker 7 Can I ask a question? This may sound naive.

Speaker 36 Do those things normally have pizza in them?

Speaker 46 Because I've never.

Speaker 56 Well, I guess you've never seen one of these up close before.

Speaker 22 Because it's only fing pizza.

Speaker 18 Kristen Shawl, everybody.

Speaker 6 A certain holiday is coming on Friday. Here with his uniquely fruit and vegetable-based slant on that occasion, we turn to our old standby, Produce Pete Steve Corell.

Speaker 21 Good evening.

Speaker 35 I am Produce Dragulo and I am here to dump the Cockadest. That's not.

Speaker 34 And it's up with that.

Speaker 39 Yep, it's Halloween.

Speaker 34 And nothing says Halloween like caramel apples.

Speaker 21 Well,

Speaker 34 I guess pumpkins, maybe.

Speaker 32 Actually, yeah.

Speaker 24 Pumpkins are actually more iconic, but we're talking about caramel apples.

Speaker 24 This recipe is so easy, in no time you will find yourself making it halfway through one of these before feeling kind of queasy.

Speaker 34 All you need are six medium-sized apple, six wooden popsicle sticks.

Speaker 34 You can get those at your local hobby shop in the Stick and Dow Isle, half a pound of light-colored caramels, you melt them, you dip in the apples. You know what?

Speaker 35 You pretty much have to be an idiot not to know how to make these.

Speaker 34 You know,

Speaker 34 back when I owned a home, I used to love to decorate it up for Halloween and invite the neighbor kids over and take them down into my basement.

Speaker 24 With parental consent. For the most part, I would turn off the lights and I'd have a big bowl of grapes and that would be Frankenstein's eyes.

Speaker 34 And then for the next hour and a half, I would edutain the kids about the real evils of drugs and premarital relations and Satan in general.

Speaker 34 Well, it was really only for that one year that they came. Actually, they did come back the next year to throw dog feces at my house, and I believe they did that again the next year.

Speaker 38 And there was a third year in there as well.

Speaker 34 Now, on Halloween, I sit in my apartment

Speaker 34 with the lights out and I eat a caramel apple.

Speaker 34 Happy Halloween.

Speaker 8 With Halloween just around the corner, members of the White House press corps decided to take their kids' trick-or-treating at the scariest haunted house that they could think of.

Speaker 60 I cannot believe the media produced such beautiful children.

Speaker 20 How the media did this, I don't know.

Speaker 36 It's beautiful.

Speaker 55 These are beautiful, wonderful children.

Speaker 60 Are you gonna grow up to be like your parents?

Speaker 21 Don't answer.

Speaker 20 That can only get me in trouble, that question.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 8 I can't believe Trump is

Speaker 8 on those kids' parents directly in front of them.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and that wasn't even the worst of it.

Speaker 8 Later on, he went up to a pregnant reporter and whispered into her belly, your mom is an enemy of the people.

Speaker 39 And I know you're wondering, why would the media bring their kids in, right, and subject them to this?

Speaker 8 But maybe

Speaker 14 the press call was like, do you see what I have to go through every day?

Speaker 30 Do you see what I do every day to put food on the table? Huh? Now, eat your veggies, or I'll take you back to that talking pumpkin.

Speaker 8 Now, eventually, President Trump got around to handing out some candy, but even then, he couldn't help giving it a special Trump spin.

Speaker 60 Who likes this?

Speaker 62 No, that was

Speaker 13 good.

Speaker 20 So, you have no weight problems, that's the good news, right?

Speaker 21 I like it.

Speaker 60 Good. So, you take out whatever you need.

Speaker 8 America, I hate to say this, but I'm beginning to think that your president may be a jerk.

Speaker 8 And as bad as Trump was, at least those kids didn't get any candy from Mike Pence.

Speaker 30 You know, because you know they would have been like, why are there no green MMs?

Speaker 8 I had to take them all out.

Speaker 61 I can't be alone with a sexy woman.

Speaker 37 No.

Speaker 49 You're tuned into auto intelligence live from Auto Trader, where data, tools, and your preferences sync to make your car shopping smooth.

Speaker 21 They're searching inventory. Oh, yeah.
They find what you need. They're gonna find it.

Speaker 21 Pricing's precise and true. So true.
Get smart at car shopping.

Speaker 21 Just for you.

Speaker 49 Oh, it's just for you.

Speaker 49 Find your next ride at autotrader.com, powered by auto intelligence.

Speaker 17 A massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, especially these days. Eight different settings, adjustable intensity, plus it's heated and it just feels so good.

Speaker 17 Yes, a massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, but when it can come with a car,

Speaker 64 suddenly it seems quite practical. The all-new 2025 Volkswagen Tiguan, packed with premium features like available massaging front seats, it only feels extravagant.

Speaker 52 But let's get into the show.

Speaker 51 This is it, night three in Miami, and

Speaker 51 tonight, and tonight tonight isn't just any night, it's Halloween.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Which is a super exciting night, right?

Speaker 52 Especially if you're a kid, because you can just walk up to any stranger's house and get candy, right?

Speaker 66 Except President Obama's house, because you show up there dressed like a ghost and you'd be like, boo, and he'd be like, don't boo, vote.

Speaker 66 Amen?

Speaker 38 Michelle pops out and gives you some zucchini.

Speaker 30 Damn, this sucks.

Speaker 66 Now, in the rest of America, Halloween is a chance to dress up super sexy, right?

Speaker 52 You get in your sexy little costumes. But here in Miami, it's weird because this is Tuesday for you guys.

Speaker 67 No, because like y'all dress sexy every day.

Speaker 35 Every single day.

Speaker 66 So here's what I think.

Speaker 67 I think for Halloween, what you guys need to do is you should have the unsexy version of things, right?

Speaker 38 Like, yeah, like you need like a modest lifeguard costume, right?

Speaker 52 Or like a frumpy cheerleader. Or how about like a like a conservative stripper?

Speaker 38 That would be dope.

Speaker 66 Yeah, just chant.

Speaker 21 May zingrace.

Speaker 51 No clothes come off.

Speaker 67 Only erections of the heart.

Speaker 52 And I'll be honest with you guys. Can I be honest, like because of stand your ground laws, I don't know how anyone can enjoy Halloween in Florida.

Speaker 51 No, because the law is that someone can shoot you if you frighten them.

Speaker 3 That's the whole point of Halloween.

Speaker 39 You dress scary, you go to people's houses and you rob them of candy.

Speaker 52 I feel like in Florida, it doesn't matter what you dress as, you leaving as a ghost. That's what that means.

Speaker 30 Like just to be on the safe side for Halloween, I just walk around with my hands up the whole time.

Speaker 66 That's all I do.

Speaker 67 Hands up. People are like, what are you supposed to be?

Speaker 52 A live mother?

Speaker 67 I'm not about to get shot for some candy.

Speaker 66 I'm getting getting shot for some candy. What's that? King-size Reese's? All right, shoot me in the leg.
Shoot me in the leg.

Speaker 52 And you know what amazes me about America as a whole is that every single year on Halloween, there's always somebody who's not happy with just being sexy Dracula or sexy Frankenstein.

Speaker 51 No, they've got to take it too far.

Speaker 25 A father in Kentucky has been criticized for dressing his five-year-old son up as Hitler. The Halloween costume was posted on social media by Brian Goldbach.

Speaker 25 He says originally he did it for historical purposes but now admits this was probably a bad idea.

Speaker 47 Not everybody has the

Speaker 47 devotion to living history that I have.

Speaker 33 It's

Speaker 11 I don't know how else to put it.

Speaker 4 Okay, first off, I don't think we should be calling that a costume. Alright, that was a uniform.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 52 Costumes are things you can buy at Walmart.

Speaker 38 That shit is something you discover in a storage unit in Argentina.

Speaker 66 That's what that was.

Speaker 65 And can I say,

Speaker 64 can I just say

Speaker 52 it's pretty clever how he dressed himself up as a regular Nazi, but dressed his kid as Hitler? It's like he just wanted an excuse in case things went wrong.

Speaker 66 He'd be like, look, I was just following orders.

Speaker 4 I mean, he came up with the master plan. It's not me.

Speaker 52 There's just so many reasons that it's a terrible idea to dress a little kid as Hitler.

Speaker 51 Like, someone could see the kid walking around and be like, baby Hitler, this is my chance.

Speaker 4 If you've been keeping up with international news, you probably know that lately the world has been crazier than Rudy Giuliani on LSD.

Speaker 4 To be honest, there's so many protests going on around the world right now that we just don't have the time to cover them all.

Speaker 4 Luckily for us, not enough time is just the right amount of time for a segment we call, Ain't Nobody Got Time for That.

Speaker 4 All right, let's kick it off in Hong Kong, where the pro-democracy protesters are also getting into the Halloween spirits.

Speaker 68 We're to Hong Kong now, where police fired tear gas to break up protests on the Halloween holiday. Crowds of protesters blocked a major road before police came in.

Speaker 68 The anti-government demonstrations targeted a popular party district in the city for the first time. Well, at times, the protesters blended in with people wearing Halloween costumes.

Speaker 68 Protesters and party goers alike were not deterred by a city-wide ban on face masks.

Speaker 4 Okay, you gotta admit, that's a pretty genius move for the protesters to blend in with regular people celebrating Halloween.

Speaker 4 Yeah, because the police can't tell the difference between protesters and trick-or-treaters. Yeah, sort of like starting a fight club in the middle of Boston.
You don't know. Is this an illegal fight?

Speaker 4 Or just the usual Dunkin' Donuts parking lot fight?

Speaker 36 You don't know.

Speaker 4 Now what's interesting is that the protests in Hong Kong originally began because of an extradition bill. But now they've snowballed into a protest about Chinese rule over Hong Kong in general.

Speaker 4 Because you see, protests are a lot like arguments in relationships. You say it's about the dishes, but really it's about something bigger.

Speaker 20 You know, like you don't communicate well or you hooked up with your mother-in-law.

Speaker 21 You know?

Speaker 20 Yeah, you said I should get along with her.

Speaker 31 Let's talk about Halloween. You know, it's when the whole neighborhood pays child support with Kit Kats.

Speaker 71 But with the pandemic here, we're treating it a bit differently.

Speaker 12 Well, let's find out how differently in our special segment, Halloween in a time of corona.

Speaker 14 When you think about it, Halloween is the exact opposite of social distancing.

Speaker 40 You go to as many strangers' houses as possible and ask them for stuff that they've touched.

Speaker 71 Plus, there's saliva everywhere from when the people eat candy corn.

Speaker 70 Oh boy, candy corn!

Speaker 18 Oh,

Speaker 30 I forgot how much this shit sucks.

Speaker 69 But whatever the reason, this year, many cities are doing away with Halloween completely.

Speaker 22 Will Halloween be canceled?

Speaker 57 2020 being the worst year ever, there's new concern about the treasured holiday due to the pandemic. Health officials in LA announced that door-to-door trick-or-treating is banned this year.

Speaker 57 Also banned? Haunted houses and large gatherings.

Speaker 59 New York's classic parade that draws a million people to Greenwich Village every year, canceled. Chicago's two Atlanta went virtual.

Speaker 72 In a town famous for witch trials and Halloween celebrations, the scariest thing in Salem, Massachusetts this year, the tourists.

Speaker 61 The mayor is telling sightseers to stay home.

Speaker 73 And in Richmond.

Speaker 63 Trick-or-treating is not canceled. However, my best recommendation is that we stay home.

Speaker 69 Yes, it turns out Halloween events are getting canceled all across the U.S.

Speaker 14 because if these cities actually held these events,

Speaker 40 somebody could die.

Speaker 40 No, but for real though, someone could die because of corona. Like, someone could actually die.

Speaker 14 I've got to get my lights fixed.

Speaker 40 Why do they always do this?

Speaker 31 And if you ask me, canceling, trick, or treating is ridiculous.

Speaker 71 So what? Now I'm just supposed to sit at home alone in my Superman costume eating a bucket of my own candy?

Speaker 14 How's that going to be different from all the other nights of the year? Halloween is supposed to be special.

Speaker 69 The good news is that just because there's a pandemic, that doesn't mean Halloween has to be cancelled.

Speaker 14 And all across America, people are finding ways to keep the scares coming without the virus tagging along.

Speaker 74 The CDC labeling traditional trick-or-treating this Halloween as a high-risk activity. But parents are coming up with ways to keep Halloween safe.

Speaker 64 A Virginia couple found a unique way to handle a socially distanced Halloween.

Speaker 46 Look at that. They came up with the idea of a candy slide.

Speaker 75 Some neighbors are getting creative. One designed a candy chute, another a pulley system to deliver candy from the porch to the street.

Speaker 64 Some folks are going high-tech dispensing candy from a drone.

Speaker 61 Meanwhile, some haunted houses in the area are back open and adapting amid the pandemic.

Speaker 11 There's no touching. Most of our jump scares are done at a distance.

Speaker 76 Rooms are designed to keep actors six feet from visitors. They require the actors to speak as little as possible to prevent the spread of droplets.

Speaker 40 Okay, can I just say, I am glad that those haunted houses can stay open because this is the one year where it's safer inside a haunted house than outside.

Speaker 18 Oh,

Speaker 18 I'm a ghost.

Speaker 30 Yeah, bitch, and there's white supremacists outside.

Speaker 14 I'm staying here with you.

Speaker 12 And you know, it's so amazing how inventive Americans become when candy is at stake.

Speaker 71 All it took was the possibility of a few kids not getting candy and half of suburbia turned into Elon Musk.

Speaker 14 I'd actually like to see those drones.

Speaker 71 Yeah, the military should use those. You know, you'd be at a wedding in the Middle East, like, oh no, no, a drone.

Speaker 26 Ah,

Speaker 30 wait, it's dropping candy.

Speaker 62 Yay! It's dropping candy. Look, everybody, it's candy.
No, it's full of trap. Ah, it's candy corn.
It's candy corn. Death to America.

Speaker 69 Now, of course, the most important part of Halloween is dressing up. And far from stopping people, the pandemic is actually inspiring.

Speaker 73 Several retailers are cashing in on timely Halloween costumes inspired by items that became important during the pandemic.

Speaker 77 Of course, one of the most popular items, toilet paper roll, also has a disinfectant wipe costume.

Speaker 73 Check out this incredible creation from One Dad. It's a monster Zoom call.

Speaker 74 You know those face shields you see medical workers wearing? Well, one company is turning those into Halloween masks for kids.

Speaker 18 Boo!

Speaker 74 I'm Frankenstein.

Speaker 75 You want to dress up as hand sanitizer?

Speaker 46 How about sexy hand sanitizer?

Speaker 78 Yandy, selling this racy mail-in ballot costume that comes complete with I-voted pasties.

Speaker 63 Wait, hold up.

Speaker 14 Someone is planning to be a sexy male-in ballot this weekend?

Speaker 8 What are you doing?

Speaker 14 If you're a sexy male-in ballot, you should have been in the mail by yesterday.

Speaker 31 You realize what you've done. You're too late.
Now you got to go to a sexy drop-off box.

Speaker 8 Well, you better sexy wait in line for three hours.

Speaker 12 And look, I get dressing up as paper towels or hand sanitizer, but please people, whatever you do, do not dress up as a doctor or a nurse this year.

Speaker 69 Because sexy nurse or not, your ass is going to get put to work quick.

Speaker 70 Wait, no, I'm just a sexy nurse. I'm not real.
I don't give a shit. Get this man on a ventilator and inject him with some bleach stats.
Bleach?

Speaker 69 But that doesn't work.

Speaker 31 Look, dude, I just dressed as a sexy hospital administrator.

Speaker 70 I'm as confused as you.

Speaker 3 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 3 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 5 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Speaker 66 Oh, triple treat, oh, triple treat.

Speaker 37 How lovely are your pizzas?

Speaker 65 The triple treat box from Pizza Hut is back. Two medium pizzas, red sticks, and dessert starting in $19.99.
It comes in a festive box, and it's the only meal that holidays as hard as this song.

Speaker 21 Oh, triple treat, oh, triple treat, heck yeah, we gonna eat some.

Speaker 65 The triple treat box, available for a limited time only at Pizza Hut. Feed Good Times.

Speaker 2 Extra value meals are back. For just $5, get a savory and sweet sausage, egg, and cheese McGrittles, plus hash browns and a coffee only at McDonald's.

Speaker 17 For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery.