TDS Time Machine | Everything is Stupid with Ronny Chieng

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Speaker 2 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable.

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Speaker 9 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 10 For the past few years, I've been intensely watching children in playgrounds.

Speaker 6 I did. No, right, Ronnie.

Speaker 12 Sorry, that that sounded wrong. I don't think you were allowed to do that.

Speaker 13 Calm down. It's for my online child psychology degree.

Speaker 15 All right, geez.

Speaker 16 Sounds just like the cops.

Speaker 18 Anyway, in my research, I just discovered a really stupid trend.

Speaker 20 Many communities do everything they can to keep playgrounds safe. The problem is, they may also be stifling creativity.
That's why some cities are taking a swing in the opposite direction.

Speaker 21 So-called adventure playgrounds. At this New York City playground, the toys are tools,

Speaker 23 real hammers, and nails I just decided that this is getting really crowded and that's true and so the 11 year old started building an addition to the playground fort okay I don't care what you say that is not a playground that is a junkyard okay all that's missing is a pit bull with rabies and the fat albert gang

Speaker 11 They're making kids play with hammers and nails.

Speaker 19 That's not adventure.

Speaker 12 It's just work.

Speaker 11 They're tricking kids into building their own playground.

Speaker 30 And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, right?

Speaker 11 And by the time we were done playing, we had finished a whole new line of Nikes.

Speaker 33 And this idea

Speaker 11 isn't new, all right?

Speaker 19 Like most American sitcoms and America itself, this is just another British remake.

Speaker 23 Adventure playgrounds first blossomed in the UK after World War II thanks to this woman, Marjorie Allen. She turned London bomb sites into places kids could do pretty much whatever they wanted.

Speaker 34 Just so we're clear, she didn't turn bombsites into playgrounds.

Speaker 24 She just brought kids to play in bombsites.

Speaker 19 Alright?

Speaker 12 And all that did was teach kids that Hitler built them playgrounds.

Speaker 11 No wonder we have so many Nazis again.

Speaker 37 But here's the thing, all right?

Speaker 11 I don't mind if kids get hurt, okay?

Speaker 38 Because who cares about that?

Speaker 28 Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, right.

Speaker 39 I thought you said you were studying child psychology.

Speaker 28 Yo, do you want me to get a lawyer?

Speaker 30 Don't let me finish the segment.

Speaker 40 All right, cheese.

Speaker 26 This goddamn deposition over here.

Speaker 11 I'm just saying, I don't care if parents build their kids a death trap.

Speaker 26 They're not my kids.

Speaker 9 Alright?

Speaker 12 What's stupid is when parents try to pretend that it's teaching them something.

Speaker 23 After taking a sledgehammer to these wood pallets,

Speaker 23 we watched the kids pile up the broken boards and set them on fire.

Speaker 43 Not that I want them to get hurt, but it's part of growing up, it's part of learning.

Speaker 12 Oh yeah, that kid's a genius.

Speaker 19 I don't know if his brain can handle that much learning.

Speaker 10 I mean, ask him what his favorite number is.

Speaker 26 It's probably Jell-O.

Speaker 10 And these parents are so committed to hurting their kids, they're bragging about it.

Speaker 23 Embracing the freedom of adventure play may be easy in theory.

Speaker 5 Excuse me, guys.

Speaker 23 But what happens when someone steps on a nail?

Speaker 23 When it happened to Addison Block, we noticed her mom, Jill, let her other daughter keep playing.

Speaker 45 We went in knowing that it's a place they could get hurt.

Speaker 3 It's the type of experience that kids in the city don't always get.

Speaker 21 I think that's great.

Speaker 49 You're right, mom.

Speaker 12 You know, you just can't get good tetanus in the city these days anymore.

Speaker 50 You know what else you don't get in the city anymore?

Speaker 51 Polio.

Speaker 37 Why don't we dig up Franklin Roosevelt's bones and have kids rub up against them?

Speaker 44 Look, parents, just admit that you want to leave your kids alone in a vacant lot because you're sick of them.

Speaker 10 There's no shame in that. Again, it happened to me all the time.

Speaker 11 My mom left me at grocery stores and off-track bedding parlors and the highway, but she never called them playgrounds.

Speaker 27 Okay, she had the decency to look me deep in my eyes and say, Ronnie, I'm leaving you.

Speaker 13 And that is called parenting.

Speaker 53 Everyone always says they want to be rich, but be careful what you wish for because sometimes you can get so rich you start doing dumb shit like this.

Speaker 56 Silicon Valley is famous for its eccentric homes and outlandish property values, but the newest status symbol in in the neighborhood is the chicken coop.

Speaker 57 Scott Vanderlip's chickens make themselves right at home.

Speaker 58 Are you going to come in the house?

Speaker 57 The software engineer believes he's found the perfect antidote to computers and code and has the big data to prove he's not alone.

Speaker 58 There are thousands, maybe 10,000 chicken coops in Silicon Valley. I mean, there are

Speaker 57 a lot of coops.

Speaker 53 That's right.

Speaker 26 Silicon Valley millionaires are adopting chickens as pets.

Speaker 53 Because what do you get the person who has everything?

Speaker 51 How about bird flu?

Speaker 53 It's like they're so rich and comfortable, the only thing left to do is pretend to be poor.

Speaker 35 And if that's true, why stop at Poultry Farmer Cosplay?

Speaker 53 Why not try donating your plasma for a can of soup or I don't know, cleaning windshields at traffic lights or being a public school teacher?

Speaker 35 You know, it's poor people stuff.

Speaker 35 And

Speaker 55 you're probably wondering, what do you even do with a pet chicken?

Speaker 53 Turns out, nothing.

Speaker 57 The birds sometimes get a break from eating bugs with treats like melons and salmon. Caring for the chickens is a family affair.

Speaker 59 Justin and I, like, we will come home in the evening after a stressful day at work and pull up our chairs and just like sit here and watch the chickens go crazy.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I don't think the chickens are the ones going crazy, all right?

Speaker 60 You're the ones drinking wine and watching birds poop on your lawn like it's shakespeare in the park

Speaker 53 you're silicon valley what are you doing you give the world youtube and netflix remember you can't invite people over to chicken and chill

Speaker 57 and it turns out these people don't even care about the animals they're just showing off For the valley's growing community of backyard farmers, the investment in heritage birds pays off in a status symbol of sorts.

Speaker 57 Colorful eggs that can be given as gifts to friends.

Speaker 53 Yeah, what a great gift.

Speaker 29 I love when I'm having a Super Bowl party and my rich friend brings over raw pale green eggs.

Speaker 29 Even the chickens must be like, what are you doing?

Speaker 53 Those came out of my chicken pussy and now you're hanging them out like Cuban cigars.

Speaker 31 Listen, if rich people want to own chickens like third world farmers, whatever, right?

Speaker 53 The problem is when rich people pretend to be poor, they're still spending way way too much money doing it.

Speaker 57 Online, companies are hatching plans for do-it-yourselfers to build stylish backyard coops.

Speaker 61 I built this coop, especially for them.

Speaker 57 Laura Menard's custom-built chicken coops have antique stained glass windows and detailing added by a master carpenter.

Speaker 57 Do you think your chickens are happier in there than they might be in a simpler coop?

Speaker 61 No, I don't think they care.

Speaker 53 You don't think they care.

Speaker 55 I know they don't care, right?

Speaker 29 They're chickens.

Speaker 53 Oh, and by the way, if you're thinking about getting into this new chicken craze, I got some bad news.

Speaker 54 You're already too late.

Speaker 58 They always tell people chickens are actually just the gateway drug to beekeeping. Beekeeping is the new thing, you know?

Speaker 57 Are you suggesting that sometime soon somebody's going to say to me, backyard chickens, that's so 2018?

Speaker 58 Exactly.

Speaker 11 That's Silicon Valley for you.

Speaker 53 Hey, you just bought that new thing?

Speaker 29 Boom.

Speaker 53 It's obsolete.

Speaker 34 You like chickens? Well, f ⁇ you. It's bees now.

Speaker 34 But you know what, Trevor? I see what's happening here.

Speaker 53 Okay, we're just going further down the evolutionary chain.

Speaker 18 That's why I've already invested in the next, next trendy pet.

Speaker 55 All right, I'm talking about leeches.

Speaker 55 That's right, Silicon Valley.

Speaker 63 Make I want to these guys and suck it.

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Speaker 41 America has a problem with food.

Speaker 35 You guys want your food to be cheap and fast, but also to be fresh and healthy.

Speaker 26 That's too many things, okay?

Speaker 13 You can't have both.

Speaker 14 It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge. It doesn't exist.

Speaker 26 And when Americans don't get everything they expect from their food, you end up with dumb lawsuits like this one.

Speaker 64 The Reading Eagle reports on a $5 million class action lawsuit that accuses Godiva of misleading consumers.

Speaker 64 The suit says Godiva's packaging reads Belgium 1926, implying the chocolate is made there when it's actually made in Reading, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 64 Godiva says the Belgian brand is proud of its roots and the company's logo reflects the spirit.

Speaker 26 Come on, guys, you're telling me that Americans care that their chocolate isn't from Belgium?

Speaker 49 I'll give you the money myself if you can show me where Belgium is on the map.

Speaker 34 But also, Godiva, why are you tricking people about where your chocolate is from?

Speaker 41 Nobody cares.

Speaker 53 You can say that it was made in Bernie Sanders' shoe and people would still eat it.

Speaker 5 Okay?

Speaker 11 People love chocolate so much that Willy Wonka killed kids and we didn't even care

Speaker 11 because he made chocolate.

Speaker 26 Americans are so entitled. Not only does their cheap food have to be exotic, they also want it to be organic, like this lady.

Speaker 65 A Bronx woman is suing TGI Fridays for $5 million, claiming the restaurant's potato skin snacks aren't actually made of potatoes.

Speaker 65 The potato skin snacks come in bags, they're sold in stores and vending machines across the country.

Speaker 65 The woman says she bought the snack at a Bronx bodega, but says she wouldn't have made the purchase if she knew the product didn't contain real potatoes.

Speaker 65 She claims the food is misbranded and not as healthy as the restaurant's popular appetizer.

Speaker 60 Okay, so I get where this lady is coming from.

Speaker 26 I would also be pissed because you can't sell a snack called potato skins if it doesn't have any potatoes in it.

Speaker 26 Okay, imagine if you got tickets to a Beyoncé concert and when you got there, I came out.

Speaker 41 You would be furious. Why?

Speaker 44 Because you're not ready for the jelly.

Speaker 35 But still, how is this lady suing for $5 million?

Speaker 35 Like, how much did she spend on these potato skins?

Speaker 53 $4?

Speaker 60 Okay, well, then she gets the $4 back, okay?

Speaker 50 In fact, you know what?

Speaker 34 Here's a 10.

Speaker 11 Okay, go buy yourself 30 seconds of therapy.

Speaker 11 I mean, honestly, who is expecting food from TGI Fridays?

Speaker 35 They give you two appetizers, two entrees, and two desserts, all for 20 bucks.

Speaker 26 That's not a meal, that's a yard sale.

Speaker 51 Again, we don't need a lawsuit.

Speaker 35 Just give the lady her money back.

Speaker 26 And TGI Fridays, you can still call them potato skins.

Speaker 35 You just have to put a question mark at the end.

Speaker 11 Yeah, that way, you're not just selling a snack, you're selling a mystery.

Speaker 11 Seriously, America, you can't keep suing everything, okay? Just accept the fact that everyone is lying to you.

Speaker 31 Companies are lying to you, the government is lying to you, your wife is cheating on you with me. Nothing is real, okay?

Speaker 63 You can't even trust water.

Speaker 4 A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit accusing Poland Spring of selling water that's sourced from wells and not springs.

Speaker 4 He ruled last week that an amended complaint can proceed with claims in eight states.

Speaker 4 Poland Springs corporate parent, Connecticut-based Nestle Waters North America, reiterated Tuesday that it's a meritless lawsuit and said the judge's decision doesn't undermine its confidence.

Speaker 31 That's right.

Speaker 11 A woman is mad that Poland spring water doesn't come from a spring.

Speaker 26 It comes from a well.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan about this story and they said to go yourself.

Speaker 51 Seriously.

Speaker 51 Who actually thinks Poland spring water comes from a spring in Poland?

Speaker 44 Do you also think your smart water went to MIT?

Speaker 44 It's all marketing.

Speaker 11 Although, to be be fair, CVS water does come from CVS, okay?

Speaker 51 It's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet.

Speaker 70 Look, I think America would have fewer lawsuits if people were more skeptical of what they put in their bodies in the first place.

Speaker 11 And if you ask me, this is just a scheme people are using to try and get rich, which is why I'm also joining in.

Speaker 66 Trevor, I am suing you.

Speaker 26 Consider yourself served.

Speaker 51 What? Why?

Speaker 26 Because the food you left in the fridge today wasn't organic, and I almost didn't finish it.

Speaker 39 Wait, what do you mean the food? That was my food. You ate my lunch, Ronnie.
That was my lunch.

Speaker 13 Trevor, we'll let the courts decide.

Speaker 19 One thing I've learned about Americans is that Americans love their pets.

Speaker 50 And I'm here to say

Speaker 15 why?

Speaker 68 Pets are kind of stupid.

Speaker 12 I mean, you spend all your time picking up their poop, and then on top of that, when they die, you have to go through all the trouble of throwing them in your neighbor's yard.

Speaker 12 No thanks.

Speaker 41 But that's just me, okay?

Speaker 30 Other people are obsessed with their pets and it's quite frankly getting out of control.

Speaker 20 Dog owners often consider their pets part of the family.

Speaker 72 And the new trend has some families treating their furry friends more like people.

Speaker 20 It's called the humanization of pets and it's become a big business across America. Massages, blueberry facials, even poticures.

Speaker 73 This is where doggies come for their ultimate spa treatment. We then give them a massage, a grooming.

Speaker 28 Okay, this is ridiculous.

Speaker 17 Dogs don't need a spa day. day.

Speaker 19 Every day of a dog's life is a spa day.

Speaker 69 Someone feeds you, someone bathes you.

Speaker 12 I mean, they roll over, they get a massage, but when I roll over on the massage table, I get arrested.

Speaker 71 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 63 That makes sense.

Speaker 49 And people aren't just throwing away their money on dog spas.

Speaker 17 They're also wasting it on fine doggy dining.

Speaker 56 A Manhattan restaurant has rolled out a special menu just for dogs.

Speaker 74 Check out what's on it. A $42 ribeye ribeye steak with steamed veggies, a lemon-drizzled salmon filet for $28, grilled chicken breast for $16, light bites of carrots and apples, and a berry bowl.

Speaker 35 Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks?

Speaker 51 You realize dogs will eat their own poop.

Speaker 41 In fact, if I ran this restaurant, I would just take the poop from my last dog customer and feed it to the next dog customer, okay?

Speaker 11 The dogs would be just as happy and you're recycling.

Speaker 17 So there's dog facials, dog massages, dog steaks. And if you want an extra helping of dumbass dog ideas, how about dog mansions?

Speaker 75 A company in London has launched what's likely the most lavish dog houses you've ever seen.

Speaker 76 Talk about a pampered pooch here.

Speaker 51 Take a look.

Speaker 76 Each kennel has air conditioning. It has heating.
It even has treat dispensers. Oh, and a conference calling system so you can communicate with your puck.

Speaker 5 By the way, prices start at $35,000 and go all the way up to $170,000.

Speaker 17 $170,000.

Speaker 33 I mean, who are these rich, crazy Caucasians?

Speaker 16 This is disgusting, okay?

Speaker 26 There are millions of homeless dogs in shelters, and these rich sons of bitches are living in mansions.

Speaker 28 And I mean literally.

Speaker 31 Their moms are bitches. That's the scientific term.

Speaker 17 By the way, what kind of dog needs a conference calling system?

Speaker 68 What would that call even sound like?

Speaker 26 Hey boy, just calling to check in.

Speaker 41 Uh, you still a dog?

Speaker 71 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, cool.
Bye.

Speaker 55 You know what?

Speaker 37 Being human sucks, okay?

Speaker 41 I want to be a dog.

Speaker 30 That's why I'm officially putting myself up for adoption to be someone's pet.

Speaker 25 That's right.

Speaker 17 I'm just as good as any dumb dog.

Speaker 14 I can sit, I can roll over, shake hands, and with just a few more weeks of yoga, soon I too will be able to lick my own butthole.

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Speaker 29 At this point, I think we can all agree that the internet is basically giving us all brain damage.

Speaker 11 Okay, social media is constantly bombarding us with information we don't care about.

Speaker 24 Like what my friend ate for breakfast, and what my mom's watching on TV, and when my wife had our baby.

Speaker 71 Ugh.

Speaker 24 The point is, social media is destroying everything. Just look at this guy who went viral for the dumbest thing possible.

Speaker 77 Carson King thought he'd get a few laps.

Speaker 78 Just kind of thought it was a joke.

Speaker 77 And maybe even a few bucks on ESPN's College Game Day with a sign asking for beer money, along with his actual Venmo account. The money started pouring in.

Speaker 78 I had people from Texas, Idaho, California, Massachusetts.

Speaker 72 All told, King raised more than a million bucks.

Speaker 44 This guy got a million dollars for beer.

Speaker 34 Are you kidding me?

Speaker 24 All he did was hold up a sign.

Speaker 50 This guy does it on TV and he's a hero.

Speaker 24 But when I held up a sign demanding money, all of a sudden I'm a bank robber and I took hostages which is like a federal offense

Speaker 11 and the fact that this even worked was stupid Trevor but not as stupid as what he did with the money.

Speaker 77 He decided he'd donate all of it, minus the cost of one case of beer, to the University of Iowa Children's Hospital.

Speaker 77 It overlooks the Hawkeyes football field where at home games fans turn and wave to the kids. Hearing the news, Venmo and Bush Beer both vowed to match the growing funds.

Speaker 25 Wow, he gave all that money to a children's hospital.

Speaker 26 What an incredible insult to all the hard-working Americans who thought it was for beer.

Speaker 34 Yo, at least he bought like

Speaker 54 one case of beer, okay?

Speaker 44 Although now there's just gonna be some kid who's $12 short of a new kidney, right?

Speaker 11 Oh, sorry, Timmy, we ran out of money, but we did put this empty can of butt light inside of you.

Speaker 69 Let's just see what happens.

Speaker 44 If you think this story couldn't get any stupider, remember, on the internet, no good deed goes unpunished.

Speaker 77 The Des Moines Register profiled King and the reporter dug up a couple of offensive racist tweets from when King was 16 and sharing jokes from the Comedy Central show Tosh.0.

Speaker 78 It was brought to my attention by a reporter for the Des Moines Register and once he pointed it out and I was really upset with myself.

Speaker 54 Well, what a plot twist.

Speaker 11 The guy who raised over $2 million for sick kids also tweeted offensive jokes 10 years ago.

Speaker 34 So is he a good person or is he a bad person?

Speaker 26 I haven't been this confused about how to feel since I got a boner for my great-grandma's yearbook photo.

Speaker 34 But at least there's a clear lesson here.

Speaker 26 Never donate money you get for beer to a children's hospital, okay?

Speaker 44 Because you only become famous if you donate the money. If you keep the money, no one cares and you're rich.

Speaker 44 If you think this story doesn't get any stupider, then you are as wrong as the feelings I have for my great-grandmother, okay?

Speaker 19 Because get this.

Speaker 11 After a reporter exposed this guy's old tweets, the reporter himself got his own 15 minutes of shame.

Speaker 72 Internet users, angry about the paper digging up old tweets, did some digging of their own, this time on reporter Aaron Calvin.

Speaker 72 And lo and behold, they uncovered derogatory tweets about African Americans, gay people, and women.

Speaker 72 The Des Moines Register then fired Calvin, saying, We took appropriate action because there's nothing more important than having readers trust.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 11 The reporter who found the racist tweets had even worse racist tweets. Just a classic case of the part calling the kettle the N-word.

Speaker 26 Which is why I always say don't point fingers on the internet because the internet will finger you right back.

Speaker 69 So there you have it.

Speaker 11 The guy who raised the money is canceled.

Speaker 36 The reporter is canceled.

Speaker 26 I think the beer got canceled.

Speaker 44 And everything continues to be stupid.

Speaker 12 Yes, but I think it is still a happy ending here, Ronnie, because at least the sick kids are gonna get that money.

Speaker 44 Well, actually, Trevor, I dug out some of these kids' tweets and

Speaker 56 Ronnie Chang, everybody!

Speaker 6 Moving right to the lead!

Speaker 25 In the world of the internet, there's one thing everyone is excited about right now. And I'm not talking about those stupid monkey NFTs everyone is buying.

Speaker 25 Non-fungible?

Speaker 11 Have you ever heard of a printer?

Speaker 51 Just print them all out.

Speaker 19 There, I just saved you a million dollars.

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 25 the hottest trend in tech right now is the metaverse. And you know it's hot because no one will shut up about it.

Speaker 47 The metaverse is defined as a virtual reality space where people can play games, connect with friends, and even go to virtual concerts. A parallel world in your computer or phone.

Speaker 78 The metaverse is where tech is headed. You see Apple dedicating time here, Microsoft, Samsung, NVIDIA.

Speaker 78 It's really hard to ignore or to label this as a fad.

Speaker 3 Facebook has changed its company name to Meta.

Speaker 67 It's short for Metaverse, a virtual reality considered by many to be the future of the internet.

Speaker 25 That's right. Facebook changed its name to Meta before the Metaverse even caught on.
It's like tattooing a girl's name on your arm after two dates.

Speaker 25 Luckily, if it all goes south, Zuckerberg can just change it to Meta Musol and pretend it was a fiber company the whole time. But yes, the Metaverse is coming.
Not that anybody asked for it.

Speaker 25 These companies just decided to move us all into the metaverse like they're putting their grandma into a nursing home. Sorry, Nana, you have to live in the computer now.

Speaker 25 But apparently, we should all be excited because the metaverse will let us build our own world and explore the limits of human imagination, which makes you think you'll be flying on dragons through an orgy full of unicorns.

Speaker 25 You know, the thing we all dream about. The only problem is the metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as shit.

Speaker 61 Meta is also working to bring remote workers into a similar virtual space. This app is called Facebook Workrooms, and it's designed for meetings.

Speaker 61 It's a sign of what a professional piece of the metaverse will look like.

Speaker 22 It basically gives you the opportunity to sit around a table with people and work and brainstorm and whiteboard ideas.

Speaker 22 It's this pretty amazing experience where You know, you feel like you're really right there with your colleagues.

Speaker 61 Microsoft just unveiling some new tools to immerse users in the workplace, integrating avatars and virtual reality features into Teams by the middle of next year.

Speaker 61 PowerPoint will be available in the metaverse as well.

Speaker 25 Oh, thank God there'll be PowerPoint in the metaverse. I can't wait for the immersive experience of feeling like I'm inside a pie chart.
So let me get this straight.

Speaker 25 The metaverse gives us endless possibilities and you want to have virtual meetings?

Speaker 54 Imagine a world where your shopping never runs out of ink.

Speaker 26 You did it again, Zuckerberg.

Speaker 25 And even though the metaverse looks like the wet dream of a billionaire robot, somehow real people are laying down actual money to pretend to live there.

Speaker 47 There's a land rush happening, and it's not in New York City or Beverly Hills. Early speculators, professional realtors, and celebrities are buying up virtual land for millions of dollars.

Speaker 80 Sales of virtual land on the major metaverse platforms topped $500 million last year.

Speaker 47 Celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Paris Hilton are also diving into the digital land grab.

Speaker 81 Here in the sandbox, this piece of land with Snoop Dogg's face on it is owned by the rapper. He's building a virtual mansion on it.

Speaker 80 Buyers all want to be neighbors of Snoop Dogg's upcoming mansion, a parcel next to him just selling for $500,000.

Speaker 25 You're paying half a million dollars to live next to Snoop Dogg in the metaverse? All that money and you can't even get a contact high.

Speaker 25 Hell, for half a million dollars, you can buy enough drugs to think you are Snoop Dogg.

Speaker 53 But this is how bad the real estate market is.

Speaker 25 Now I'm being priced out of worlds that don't even exist. There's nothing more depressing than showing up to the metaverse and needing a roommate.

Speaker 25 But even if you got rid of the meetings and the dumb houses, the metaverse is always going to be made up of people.

Speaker 44 And people are going to make anything shitty.

Speaker 15 Facebook Parent Capitality Meta is adding a feature to combat virtual reality harassment.

Speaker 15 It comes after a woman claims she was verbally and sexually harassed within a minute of joining a virtual game last year.

Speaker 82 Less than 30 seconds into it,

Speaker 25 I was suddenly surrounded by three male avatars with male voices who were kind of saying sexual innuendos to me before i knew it they were for lack of a better word groping my avatars that's right women are being harassed within seconds of joining the metaverse i guess they were right it is just like a real office like how is facebook not prepared for this pervs have been a part of the internet since day one you know the sound your dial-up connection used to make

Speaker 25 that was your modem having an orgasm.

Speaker 54 Disgusting.

Speaker 25 So, overall, it seems like the metaverse is a total shit show, but there is one small silver lining.

Speaker 32 A word of warning: if you're visiting the metaverse, insurance firm Aviva says it saw a 31% increase in claims involving those VR headsets last year. You know, the ones that wear over your eyes.

Speaker 32 The average claim for VR-related damages was about $880.

Speaker 32 Most of those incidents involved cracked TV screens. Aviva says it's already processed a number of claims so far this year.

Speaker 41 You know what?

Speaker 31 I take it all back.

Speaker 25 I love the metaverse now.

Speaker 25 If it's gonna let the world's biggest dumbasses blow their savings on fake houses and then crash into their own TVs, this might be the best thing to happen to the internet since they invented catfishing.

Speaker 25 So thank you, Zuckerberg,

Speaker 25 Unicorn Dicks.

Speaker 38 Here we come.

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Speaker 5 Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore, but not the stocks he picks.
I know, I'm putting them back. Hey, Dave, here's a tip.
Put scratchers on your list.

Speaker 46 Oh, scratchers, good idea.

Speaker 5 It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.

Speaker 7 Thanks, random singing people.

Speaker 5 So be like Dave this holiday and give the gift of play. Scratchers from the California lottery.
A little play can make your day.

Speaker 7 Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase player claim.

Speaker 26 Statues, they're not just fancy toilets for pigeons, they're the highest form of art, an expression of beauty that people come from around the world to marvel at.

Speaker 51 But some idiots are trying to marvel their way to second base.

Speaker 15 A popular tourist attraction may soon get it overall because tourists won't stop getting handsy.

Speaker 79 The famous Dublin statue of a mythical fishmonger, Molly Malone. Malone's low-cut dress is attracting people's groping hands.

Speaker 1 People are rubbing the statue so that the protective covering has been rubbed away already from the bronze over a couple of years. So we will have to repatternate this regularly, which is a cost.

Speaker 51 That's right, horny morons have groped this statue so hard that the bronze finish wore off. Isn't the phrase, kiss me, I'm Irish? Not motorboat my cast iron cleavage, I'm Irish.

Speaker 51 How about you just let a fishmonger monger her fish in peace without you morons trying to touch her heaving mahi-mahis?

Speaker 51 It's almost...

Speaker 51 Oh!

Speaker 51 It gets worse. It's almost like these people don't know they aren't real boobs, okay? It's not like a hard-boiled egg where you crack open the shell and reveal real boobs inside.

Speaker 51 But surely people must be doing this for a good and not stupid reason.

Speaker 84 The practice of rubbing Molly Malone's breast is believed to have begun around 2012, instigated by an imaginative tour guide.

Speaker 44 They grab Molly in the hope it will bring them luck.

Speaker 24 If it's lucky,

Speaker 5 I will touch it.

Speaker 51 If it's lucky, I touch it. If it's a hoe, I f it.

Speaker 5 Ho ho ho ho ho.

Speaker 51 Can someone in Ireland please tell this guy that skydiving without a parachute is also lucky?

Speaker 5 Please.

Speaker 51 And if you want to fondle a sculpture, that's your business. But don't act like you're doing it for good luck, okay? You're in Ireland.

Speaker 51 If you need luck, go find a four-leaf clover or eat a leprechaun or make a keychain with Colin Farrell's eyebrow.

Speaker 51 Luckily for Molly, they figured out a way to protect her from these goofy dipshits.

Speaker 84 The practice of people setting more than their eyes on the famous fishmonger has prompted the city council to hire stewards to patrol her plinth.

Speaker 84 They hope this will be the end of the mauling of sweet Molly Malone.

Speaker 51 Of course, hire some cops. It's a great idea.
I mean, sorry, we can't do anything about your stolen car. We're busy fending off statue squeezers.

Speaker 51 I hope they at least give these guys guns because I want someone's last words to be, hey everyone check out me holding this boob. Oh wait, don't shoot, don't shoot.

Speaker 26 But really the only way to protect Molly Malone is to move her to my apartment. And

Speaker 51 no, it's not what you think.

Speaker 51 I will raise her like my own daughter.

Speaker 51 Day and night I will watch over her, fending off suitors, killing those who wish her harm, and knowing that her safety is the only thing that adds purpose to my life.

Speaker 51 Until one day a nice Irish lad shows up and begs for her hand. At which point I will then lower my rifle and walk her down the aisle and say goodbye to my little girl forever.

Speaker 51 Anyway, it turns out that statue groping isn't just happening in Ireland, it's spreading across the globe like horny COVID.

Speaker 85 Unlucky in love? Well, there's a tradition in Verona, Italy, that promises to fix that. All you have to do is rub the right breast of a bronze statue of Shakespeare's Juliet.

Speaker 85 The problem is tens of thousands of people have been lining up to solve their love dilemmas.

Speaker 51 Yes, I remember that scene in Shakespeare so well. Romeo, oh Romeo, rub my right tit, oh Romeo.

Speaker 51 So just so I'm clear on this, thousands of people are looking for love by standing in line to touch a statue.

Speaker 51 How about you just turn around and say, hey, we're both lonely, let's get out of this line and touch each other.

Speaker 26 And no, it's not just women's statues getting action.

Speaker 51 The male statues are also also getting rubbed raw.

Speaker 8 Thousands of women a year flock to Paris to visit this man's grave. It's said that women who put a flower in his hat and kiss him on his lips will find a husband within a year.

Speaker 8 Many also believe the statue can encourage fertility, which encourages other acts which can be seen by the shine in other places.

Speaker 51 Hey buddy, how about you save some of the over-the-pants hand jobs for the rest of us?

Speaker 51 I mean, these people are dry humping a dead guy who's just trying to rest in peace when they could be going to town on this Dwayne Wade statue, I mean, look, he's practically begging for it.

Speaker 51 If there's a silver lining to these sexy statues, is that they are forcing dumb people to learn something.

Speaker 51 I mean, maybe Americans would be more interested in history if we just slapped some boobs on Mount Rushmore.

Speaker 51 Hey, Dad, you know George Washington had wooden teeth and pepperoni nipples?

Speaker 51 Thanks, statues.

Speaker 18 If you're super rich, the only thing better better than spending your money is having other rich people see you spend your money.

Speaker 49 And the place you do that, auctions.

Speaker 11 It's the place where a guy talks so fast that he tricks you into buying crazy shit you don't even need.

Speaker 31 Like one time I raised my hand at an auction to ask where the bathroom was and I ended up buying a yacht.

Speaker 11 And the yacht didn't even have a bathroom.

Speaker 19 You're just supposed to pee over the side like a barbarian.

Speaker 12 So auctions were always where the rich went to flex, but now it's just getting stupid.

Speaker 42 Hey, are you a fan of grapes? Would you pay $460 to eat just one? A bunch of Ruby Roman grapes were sold at an auction for $11,000.

Speaker 3 The grapes are prized for their juiciness, high sugar content, and low acidity.

Speaker 59 It is the most expensive bunch since the breed came to market 12 years ago.

Speaker 49 $11,000 for a bunch of grapes sold to the dumbest guy in the room.

Speaker 41 That's $500 per grape.

Speaker 33 And because they're grapes, You know you're gonna drop at least one and it's gonna roll under the fridge typical grape shit and the mouse that picks up that grape automatically becomes the richest mouse of all time

Speaker 26 If I'm buying grapes for $11,000 those grapes better come with a sexy man in a toga to feed them to me and then slap the shit out of me for spending $11,000 on grapes

Speaker 31 And look, if you think spending a couple thousand dollars on grapes isn't a big deal, what about spending $100,000 on a lump of plastic?

Speaker 80 A little piece of the force sold for a small fortune. A prototype Star Wars action figure fetched just under $113,000 at an auction in Pennsylvania.
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 80 The rocket-firing Boba Fett figure was originally intended to be part of a toy line for the Empire Strikes back in 1979, but it never went into mass production.

Speaker 80 That's because it was deemed a potential safety hazard to children.

Speaker 11 That's right, $113,000 for one toy.

Speaker 53 For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 18 the worst part is you're dropping $100,000 on a toy that wasn't even good enough to be released.

Speaker 41 And I wonder why.

Speaker 30 Look, I don't remember the part in Star Wars where Bubba Fett captures Han Solo with a red dildo.

Speaker 70 This all just shows you that Star Wars fans will buy any stupid bullshit even remotely related to Star Wars.

Speaker 30 and that's why I'm gonna start selling the Luke Skywalker Walker

Speaker 30 so

Speaker 86 we have ten thousand dollar grapes and a hundred thousand dollar broken toy and if you're looking to blow a million bucks on something stupid I've got just the auction for you three original NASA videotapes of the Apollo 11 moon landing sold at auction on the 50th anniversary for 1.8 million dollars they show Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon and Buzz Aldrin planting the American flag there.

Speaker 49 Footage of the moon landing.

Speaker 28 This guy just paid almost $2 million for something he could have watched on YouTube.

Speaker 11 Also, these tapes have been sitting in a box for 50 years.

Speaker 11 Someone must have taped over them by now.

Speaker 69 Whoever bought this is going to be so pissed when they sit down to watch them and they'll just old episodes of Full House.

Speaker 38 So I get that the tapes are valuable.

Speaker 30 But for that price, there better be a man in a sexy toga feeding me those tapes.

Speaker 28 So that's the world of stupid auctions that are really stupid, okay?

Speaker 30 Any questions?

Speaker 12 Actually, I have a question.

Speaker 37 And sold, you're now the proud owner of a new Yahoo pee on the side.

Speaker 71 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 9 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Speaker 66 I've got a fax training updates, post seven job ads and edit a 700-page manual today.

Speaker 6 There's a better way.

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