TDS Time Machine | International Diplomacy

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 Now, whoever our next president may be, will face many challenges, especially in the foreign policy arena, the greatest of which may be how to deal with the overwhelming volume of goodwill left over from still President Bush's, let's call it two-term democracy-spreading jamboree.

Speaker 2 To examine the bounty one of these lucky contenders will be reaping, we check in with our new segment,

Speaker 2 fruits of democracy.

Speaker 2 Tonight, our latest democratic offspring, Iraq. Did you know our baby turns five this month? And you're not going to believe this, she's already having play dates.

Speaker 2 Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell. Of, let's say, natural causes.

Speaker 2 Now, obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern. And still, President Bush has a clear message he'd like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmedinejad.

Speaker 4 The message needs to be,

Speaker 4 you know, quit sending in

Speaker 4 sophisticated equipment that's killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror.
The international community is serious about continued isolating Iran.

Speaker 2 A strong message to send. But the Iraqi government owes us.
I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly, the president's message will be delivered.

Speaker 2 Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plane. Obviously, they're going to hit him.
No sugar coating, just direct and stern. Listen, mother.
Wait, what? Okay.

Speaker 2 There appears to be kissing. All right, now here's where they execute him.
No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. Okay.
A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 To the untrained eye, that that may appear to be gracious.

Speaker 2 Maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. And everyone knows he's an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a you.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's a nice reception there. Let's compare that to what happens when our president visits.
He has to arrive unannounced under cover of night.

Speaker 2 Is it me or did Al-Qaeda blow up the sun?

Speaker 2 What? It's just nighttime?

Speaker 2 Phew.

Speaker 2 I say few out loud, few.

Speaker 2 Not a lot of people read that. Phew.

Speaker 2 Not only did Ahmedinejad announce his arrival in advance, but he was able to drive the infamous airport road that our people can only chopper over, walk flack jacketless outside the green zone, and visit some of Iraq's holiest sites, which we are not allowed into.

Speaker 2 Hey, Iraq, can we?

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 It's your old buddy, U.S.

Speaker 3 Maybe we didn't make this clear, but

Speaker 2 we think the guy from Iran is a bit of an Ahmadikinajad.

Speaker 2 And we're out there all day with the surging, and you're back there sharing sweetbreads with Johnny Leisurecoat?

Speaker 2 Did you think we wouldn't find out?

Speaker 2 I don't want to say anything, but

Speaker 2 one phone call and you get this.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 We can put those statues right back where we found them, mister.

Speaker 2 After we built you an entire green zone.

Speaker 2 We could have gone with any color, but you wanted green.

Speaker 2 We wanted lavender, but no.

Speaker 2 It would be nice when our sworn enemy visits your country that you give him a slightly tougher reception than the one he gets at Columbia University.

Speaker 5 Mr. President, you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator.

Speaker 2 You know, it's things like this invasion clearly strengthening the hand of the person our president believes is the greatest threat to the world's security

Speaker 2 that makes me think maybe this whole thing was a mesthetic.

Speaker 2 I promised myself I wouldn't do this.

Speaker 2 We'll be right back. Don't look at me.

Speaker 2 For those of us invested in the U.S. economy who aren't able to consistently avail ourselves of the urgent contradictory mumblings of the CNBC oracles, times have been tough.

Speaker 2 We're down in the dumps, feeling like perhaps this time there'll be no rabbit to pull out of the hat. And perhaps America's time is over.
But you know who's hearing none of that talk?

Speaker 2 Our best pal, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown!

Speaker 6 Your creation of America was the boldest possible affirmation of faith in the future. A future you have built with your own hands.
People said it couldn't be done, but America did it.

Speaker 6 America is not just the indispensable nation. You are the irrepressible nation.

Speaker 2 Now get out of bed, slugger, and go out there and invade the subcontinent.

Speaker 2 How f ⁇ ed must we be

Speaker 2 when Britain is trying to cheer us up?

Speaker 2 That place gets like two hours of sunshine a year.

Speaker 2 It's like a coffee list Seattle.

Speaker 2 Not that we don't appreciate the effort.

Speaker 2 Clearly Brown likes Obama.

Speaker 2 What type of relationship will they have? Will they be unlikely partners like Bush and Blair, inspirational allies like Roosevelt and Churchill?

Speaker 2 Or will they have more of a cool black guy, white nerd vibe to them? Like Hitch

Speaker 2 or Silverstreet.

Speaker 2 Gordon Brown's not going to be copying Obama.

Speaker 2 Or is he trying to horn in on Obama's mojo?

Speaker 8 At this defining moment in history.

Speaker 6 Sir, this defining moment in history.

Speaker 8 What we need is real change. Change is essential.
It is that American spirit.

Speaker 6 It's the essence of American spirit.

Speaker 8 All of us are going to have to work together. Let us work together.

Speaker 6 We have to seize the moment.

Speaker 9 We should seize this moment.

Speaker 2 What are you, a Barack Obama cover band?

Speaker 2 Gordon Hopefoot and the Yes We Can Five?

Speaker 2 But in in this buddy comedy, it was the white guy who taught the black guy something. Prime Minister Gordon Brown showed up to Washington like any decent house guest bearing gifts.

Speaker 2 Brown brought Obama a pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship, the HMS Gannett, which is the sister ship of the HMS Resolute, from which the Oval Office desk is carved.

Speaker 2 That is a fantastic gift. Thoughtful.

Speaker 2 unique, entrenched with layers of deep meaning that connect Barack Obama's ancestral past to the lineage of the presidency, interwoven with the centuries-old special relationship between the United States and Britain.

Speaker 2 It is a gift wrapped inside a present, stuffed inside a thoughtful gesture. It is

Speaker 2 a hallmark turducken.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 what did our new

Speaker 2 president give in return?

Speaker 10 Well, he gave the prime minister 25 DVDs.

Speaker 2 You gave the guy a DVD box set?

Speaker 2 Guy's a visiting head of state, not a PBS donor.

Speaker 2 You live in the White House. It's a museum.
Give him some shit from your new house.

Speaker 2 Harding's chair, the Eisenhower spittoon, the Taft toilet desk.

Speaker 2 More of a necessity than a luxury. He couldn't move very fast.

Speaker 2 Of course, the UK is just the tip of the Obama-World Reconciliation Plan. We're also trying to reconnect with Russia.

Speaker 2 Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had a meet and greet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov.

Speaker 11 I wanted to present you with a little gift.

Speaker 2 Please don't be DVDs. Please don't be DVDs.

Speaker 5 Please don't be DVDs. Mrs.
Clinton presented the foreign minister with a little box with a button on it and a sign that said, Reset.

Speaker 11 We want to reset our relationship. We worked hard to get the right Russian word.
Do you think we got it?

Speaker 2 You get it wrong. I got it wrong.

Speaker 2 It should be Berezagruska.

Speaker 2 And this says Beregruska, which means overcharge.

Speaker 2 Oh, and one more thing. Putin's father was killed by a red button.
Other than that...

Speaker 2 So, did the button work to reset our relationship with Russia?

Speaker 2 Let's do it together.

Speaker 11 So we will do it together.

Speaker 2 That's not going to help.

Speaker 5 We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Our top story, new reports that could make our already icy relationship with the country of Pakistan

Speaker 2 colder than a witch's

Speaker 2 frozen dessert treats

Speaker 2 tick.

Speaker 13 Two influential human rights groups are out with scathing new reports this morning about U.S. drone strikes overseas.
The groups claim more civilians have been killed in Pakistan than the U.S.

Speaker 13 has acknowledged.

Speaker 2 The new prime minister is not going to be very happy about all of this. Oh, I'm sorry, Pakistan.

Speaker 2 I didn't know you didn't like your citizens being skysassinated

Speaker 2 on the whims of a foreign superpower. We thought you were cool.

Speaker 2 I guess it's unfortunate. But the good thing is, I guess we can just lay low for a while and then just get back in touch with Pakistan when the wounds aren't so fresh, you know?

Speaker 1 Tonight, Pakistan's Prime Minister, Nawaz Sharif, is at the White House for his first face-to-face meeting with President Obama.

Speaker 1 Awkward.

Speaker 2 Boy, that's the sort of meeting when you really need old Bo in the room, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just to have something else to talk about. Like, yeah, I know those drone strikes are fed up.
Hey, look, he loves that bone, though.

Speaker 2 He really loves going for that bone. Oh, look at that.
He's licking his own ass.

Speaker 2 What were we talking about? I got the munching. I guess.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you who Obama wishes he was right now, Secretary of State Kerry, because when this went down, Kerry had the good luck to be visiting our ally, France.

Speaker 2 Kerry's timing could not have been better.

Speaker 9 The timing could not have been worse. As U.S.
Secretary of State John Kerry stepped off the plane in Paris, he was immediately embroiled in an embarrassing controversy between France and the U.S.

Speaker 2 Oh, what'd we do, France, to cause a controversy?

Speaker 2 What do we drink out of the bidet again?

Speaker 2 What happened? Did we call sparkling wine champagne again?

Speaker 2 We know the difference. We just don't give a.

Speaker 2 Did we make a mockery of your most cherished athletic event by having an American win it seven times in a row through a sophisticated blood doping scheme?

Speaker 2 That last one we did do, actually.

Speaker 2 Is that what it is?

Speaker 9 The National Security Agency spied on millions of French citizens, according to the leading newspaper Le Monde.

Speaker 2 Oh, that.

Speaker 2 Awkward.

Speaker 2 Good thing our top diplomats are on the case.

Speaker 9 At the end of a day of rapid developments, Mr. Kerry offered this explanation.

Speaker 2 Kerry said to the French, quote, nations be spying, yo.

Speaker 2 This ambassador knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Actually, that's not really what he said.

Speaker 2 This is really what he said.

Speaker 14 As President Obama said

Speaker 14 very clearly in a recent speech that he gave at the United Nations General Assembly just a few weeks ago, he said, we in the United States are currently reviewing the way that we gather intelligence.

Speaker 2 By reviewing the way we gather intelligence, we mean from now on, we're going to try and do it secretly.

Speaker 2 In our defense, though, our monitoring 70 million French conversations wasn't espionage, it's just French phone calls are all so hot.

Speaker 2 It's like a nationwide sex line. Even French people talking about their mortgage payments, it's all like, oh, monsieur henri, when queues we rendezvous.

Speaker 2 Oh, the 2.5% APR, my loans, they aim for your deposit.

Speaker 2 Your other bank, you must never tell her.

Speaker 2 And by the way, all right, we're spying on France. Not like we're spying on our other allies.

Speaker 7 In what appears to have been a blunt and embarrassing phone call today, the Chancellor of Germany told President Obama to stop tapping her phone.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, my impression of how that phone call went. Hey, how are you, Anne Hala? What do you mean? You know how I am.

Speaker 2 Although it is impressive that we managed to put a tap on the actual Chancellor herself, who could have gotten close enough to do something like that? I mean, it's not, no my God!

Speaker 2 That's what it was!

Speaker 2 He was

Speaker 2 planting the bug!

Speaker 2 Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 White House.

Speaker 2 You got some explaining to do, White House.

Speaker 15 I can tell you that the President assured the Chancellor that the United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the Chancellor.

Speaker 2 Is not monitoring, will not monitor.

Speaker 2 I think you're missing a tense there.

Speaker 2 You got your present progressive there, and you got your simple future, but you're missing your past progressive, aka

Speaker 2 the we were not.

Speaker 2 Where's your past progressive tense, Jay Carney?

Speaker 2 By the way, that joke brought you by grammar.

Speaker 2 Grammar.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Grammar.

Speaker 2 It's the rules what make your mouth feel dumb.

Speaker 2 All right, so Pakistan, France, and Germany might have a few tiny reasons to be mad at us. We can cut back from this.

Speaker 12 In Mexico, many remain angry over reports the NSA hacked into the former Mexican president's email.

Speaker 8 The Brazilian president said she was forced to postpone a planned trip to the U.S.

Speaker 5 following reports the NSA spied on her personal communications.

Speaker 16 Complaints from nearly 40 other countries over revelations that the National Security Agency has been spying on their internal communications.

Speaker 2 So what are you guys saying? We have a problem? We're somehow addicted to paranoid snooping on everyone and everything around us? How dare you?

Speaker 2 I am so offended. I bid you good day.

Speaker 2 But as a parting gift, if I could just leave this right here, it's just an innocuous toaster. Don't use it.

Speaker 2 Just when you're saying things, if you could make toast, we would, rest of the world, meet me at camera three.

Speaker 2 So you guys are all upset. We're spying on you and drones striking you and you're really upset.
But I just have one question.

Speaker 2 Have you met us?

Speaker 2 Meddling in your affairs for our national self-interest is kind of our thing.

Speaker 2 What part of everything we've done since the Monroe Doctrine don't you get? I mean, bugging your phones is pretty weak tea for us.

Speaker 2 Do you know how much cigar shrapnel Castro is still pulling out of his ass?

Speaker 2 Besides, it makes you feel any better. Our government isn't doing anything to you that they're not doing to us.

Speaker 2 See? Right there, boom.

Speaker 2 Boom.

Speaker 2 They're spying. Get this.

Speaker 2 They're spying on our studio

Speaker 2 and I'm literally saying that into a camera that is going to broadcast. It seems kind of redundant.
I don't even know. Okay, I didn't even know about that one.

Speaker 2 Did not know about that one.

Speaker 2 So look, world, you want an apology? Fine. We're sorry that you forgot that we are kind of dicks.

Speaker 2 But you know what? All nations act in their own self-interest. Don't act like your s ⁇ don't stink.
It does. and we know because we have a super secret program that goes through

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 By the way Germany might want to ease up on the everything you eat and drink

Speaker 2 France you don't like our hubris now you sure liked it when we were handing off the Vietnam War to us. Hey, can you guys hold this war for us for just a little bit?

Speaker 2 We just got something to do over in Algeria and Pakistan We know that some of those drone strikes were at your request.

Speaker 2 And by the way, when were you gonna tell us that bin Laden was crashing on your couch? And you, Germany, yeah, you.

Speaker 2 Do I really have to justify myself to a country that invaded Poland because they thought Poland was looking at them funny?

Speaker 2 So get over it. Or better yet, turn that frown upside down.
Don't think of us as an overly aggressive, paranoid superpower. Think of us as

Speaker 2 what anyone's looking for in a partner.

Speaker 2 Good listener.

Speaker 2 A great listener.

Speaker 2 The best listener in the history of the world.

Speaker 2 So before you say thank you, I would only ask one thing.

Speaker 2 Can you say it a little closer to that toaster?

Speaker 2 We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Welcome back to the dinner show.

Speaker 3 My guest tonight is a Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist who writes for The New Yorker and is the author of the new book, War on Peace, The End of Diplomacy and the Decline of American Influence.

Speaker 3 Please welcome Ronan Farrell.

Speaker 3 Hello. Welcome to the show.
Pleasure to be here. You are an overachiever in the journalistic world.
So many people talk about all the stories that you're breaking.

Speaker 3 I mean, the Me Too movement was broken by your story. Like, I mean, it's what sparked a movement.

Speaker 10 Well, there were very brave women who were sources. There were great activists who preceded that, but I'm honored to have been a conduit for some of those stories.

Speaker 3 They were tough to tell. They were tough to tell for the women involved.
They were also tough for you to tell as a journalist.

Speaker 3 Like, we read all these stories about Harvey Weinstein and these people that he was hiring. And were you ever afraid? Is that a point where you go, like, maybe I shouldn't break stories?

Speaker 3 I'm just going to tweet 10 most likely things that people want to click on.

Speaker 10 I mean, I'll do that too. Cat listicles are the future, I guess.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 10 But it is true. You know, look, there was intimidation.
There was a system designed to shut down these stories.

Speaker 10 And that affected not just me, but a whole range of brave journalists going up against this thing.

Speaker 10 And sure, like the moment when you find yourself sort of deciding, do I go home tonight because I'm getting staked out?

Speaker 10 And like, if I do go home, I go in with my keys and I'm like looking under the bed and pulling back the shower curtain.

Speaker 10 It's like, okay, either I'm crazy or actually the story is stranger than fiction.

Speaker 10 And as it turns out, what we were able to break is he was hiring you know, former Mossad agents, combat-ready operatives that were, in fact, following people around using false identities.

Speaker 3 The news that you just broke today, for instance, or that just broke today, is a story of how the Trump administration was secretly hiring an Israeli team of spies to dig up dirt on people who worked on the Iran deal.

Speaker 3 Is that correct?

Speaker 10 In fact, the same Israeli spies from a firm called Black Cube.

Speaker 2 The same as the Harvey Weinstein.

Speaker 10 That Harvey Weinstein hired. And in some cases, using the same false identities and front companies that I heard from when I was getting stalked by these guys.

Speaker 3 Wait, so explain to me just a little bit of the details. So they were hiring these people not to undermine the deal itself, but to undermine the people who put the deal together.
Why?

Speaker 10 So that's the surprising part of this. These are policy wonks, you know, these are Obama advisors.
And, you know, we don't have all the answers yet, but...

Speaker 10 Sources close to this and documents that we obtained at the New Yorker show very clearly there was a seemingly political in focus operation designed to smear them, seemingly all connected to their work on the 2015 Iran deal.

Speaker 3 It's interesting because this sounds less like a story you would hear in a first world country or a country that claims to be pro-democracy than you would in a country that's totalitarian.

Speaker 3 You talk about this in the book War on Peace, the end of diplomacy and the decline of American influence. It really speaks to, in a way, what's happening with the Iran deal.

Speaker 3 It seems like Trump and his people do not care about the diplomacy that America conducts in in the world. It's now just become war or no war, talking or no talking.
Why do you think that's happened?

Speaker 10 Yeah, these stories all connect.

Speaker 10 Look, these are individuals fighting desperately to save a deal because they believe if we unilaterally as a nation back out of the Iran deal, for all its imperfections, it's worked in its narrow goal of containing them for a time.

Speaker 10 And if we back out, their fear is it drives a wedge between us and our allies, and it potentially sends a message to North Korea and other rogue states that we don't want to be sending, that they shouldn't come to the table.

Speaker 10 And as you suggest, this is all connected. They are getting smeared and intimidated.

Speaker 10 It's in a context, as I outlined in War on Peace, where their profession is endangered, where people who make our deals and negotiate and hopefully secure options for addressing conflicts around the world that don't involve going in guns blazing, they are under attack.

Speaker 10 They are getting fired en masse. People don't understand what they do anymore.
And more and more that work is being outsourced to the military, to our spies, to the intelligence community.

Speaker 3 That's interesting because you spoke to every living Secretary of State and you spoke about how America's diplomacy has been on the decline.

Speaker 3 This isn't something that started with Trump, but it may be accelerating now.

Speaker 3 Is this a sustainable way to conduct oneself in the world where it is military first, diplomacy second?

Speaker 10 Well, what I chronicle in War on Peace is in place after place, when we sabotage opportunities for political settlements and peaceful ways out, and we go in shooting first, it really comes back to haunt us, Trevor.

Speaker 10 Again and again we see situations where we end up lying down with warlords and strongmen and unsavory characters and then we have no leverage over them because we have fired all of the diplomats who could negotiate and play hardball in that way.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 3 And if you look at the current situation, there are countries where America doesn't have a diplomat right now. There are countries where there is no one handling that high-level negotiation.

Speaker 3 What happens in that case?

Speaker 10 Yeah, so you're exactly right. This is happening to a new extreme right now.

Speaker 10 Donald Trump has unceremoniously fired basically ambassadors across the world, assistant secretaries that run some of the most sensitive regions in the world.

Speaker 10 So we have an understaffed, unmanned diplomatic operation. There is precedent for this before.
We've seen other administrations, Democratic and Republican, sort of sideline diplomats and see how

Speaker 10 disastrous it is. But this is new in terms of what an extreme it is.
And when you look at the consequences,

Speaker 10 We see situations where there are active opportunities to make peace and we just give them up.

Speaker 10 We see situations where you could bring people to the table potentially and spare brave servicemen and women going into the line of fire and we give those up. It's a real problem.

Speaker 10 And I'd also point out for people who kind of don't want to think about those high-level talks, these are also the people that screen dangerous interlopers from coming into the United States, that stamp your passports that save you if you're kidnapped abroad.

Speaker 10 This is unglamorous work, but it's life-saving.

Speaker 3 It's life-saving, it's integral, and it's currently crumbling. It's a fascinating book.
You're a fascinating man. Thank you so much for being on the show.

Speaker 2 Pleasure. Appreciate it.

Speaker 3 War on Peace is available now. Golden Fire, everybody.
We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 2 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11:10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 11 Paramount Podcasts.

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart Podcast.