TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns

We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.

PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

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You're listening to Comedy Central. October 13, 2008.
From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Welcome to The Dallas Show.

My name is Jon Stewart.

I hope everybody had a great weekend there.

For a second, I thought everybody was leaving.

Tonight on the show, we've got a good one.

Author Amity Schlaes is going to be joining us.

She has written a book on the Great Depression,

or as it's soon to be known,

the first Great Depression, or as it's soon to be known, the First Great Depression. GD1.
Now, it might seem strange to be discussing an economic downturn today as the Dow Jones Industrial was up nearly a billion points. It was up a thousand points on rumors that money does, in fact, grow on trees.

That's what they were spreading around. It was very exciting.
Everybody was excited for one day to see the stockbrokers jumping up into their windows. So, tomorrow, of course, the Dow will be down 500 because we are being f***ed with.
But no matter what happens, there's still good fun to be had during these tough economic

times. because we are being f***ed with.

But no matter what happens,

there's still good fun to be had during these tough economic times.

I know it's rough, the economy,

but there's going to be an amusing tidbit

if you just look hard enough.

For instance, how about an unbelievably

inappropriately named financial analyst?

The stock market is open tomorrow, Columbus Day,

and Art Cashin, director of floor trading

for UBS. Art

f***ing cash in?

How beautiful is that?

And after

Art Cashin, we go to Rob

A. Bank.

That's the

best thing I saw in all this terrible

news. Cash in!

Oh, I shouldn't laugh. Actually, my real name is John Smartass Douchebag.
Stein. And financial advisors don't just have funny names.
They're also presented on the financial networks in a humorous fashion. A few weeks ago, we showed you CNBC's incredible Octobox Technologyox technology octobox it's named of course for its creator german scientist heinrich octobox that's right that's another funny name we're working on columbus day where you at the octobox of course unveiled when seven commentators couldn't properly analyze the situation.
But these are tough times. What if eight pundits isn't enough? What if the enormity of this economic collapse is so huge that even eight of the financial industry's smallest-headed people can't figure it out? Ladies and gentlemen gentlemen for the first time ever on CNBC behold the majesty of the deck of box 10 pundits 10 boxes I cannot believe we ever as as a society, got by with just eight.
Now, I know what you're thinking. I see nine or more boxes at the same time.
I better see Bruce Valanche in one of those squares. And who knows? Maybe he's in one of these boxes.
I can't make out any of their faces. Maybe ten is too much.
Maybe we're just not ready. Maybe one of them has to go, and there's really only one fair way to do it.
All right, Chuck, you ready? No whammies! No whammies! No whammies! No whammies! No whammies! And stop! Yeah! That was a long walk for that joke. Anyway, that was Vince Farrell, CIO of Solal Securities Group Incorporated, who I thought had added a lot to the conversation up to that point.
So what are we going to do to ease the credit crunch and get banks loaning money again? Well, last month, Treasury Secretary Paulson made clear what we won't do. Just point out a thank you, by the way.
There are some that said, we should just go and stick capital into banks. That's what happened in Japan.
But we said the right way to do this is not going around and using guarantees or injecting capital. That's the Japanese solution.
Stupid Japanese. Always injecting money.
Perverts. Besides, we all know the Japanese solution didn't even work.

Their economy's been stagnant for 15 years.

There's no way we're ever going to be so desperate as to try this.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson plans to inject money directly into the nation's banks that need it.

Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

I'm a bad dancer.

For more on the financial meltdown,

we go to senior financial analyst Wyatt Cenac.

Wyatt, thanks very much for joining us.

We very much appreciate you being here.

Touch times.

Sorry.

No, get close.

This wild market activity we've been seeing, Wyatt, people are scared? Not just scared, John. Scared s***less.
There's a big difference. Why the volatility, Wyatt? Why? Well, volatility frequently occurs when everyone suddenly realizes that the stock market is just a consensual mass delusion based on fictitious valuings of abstract assets.
You know, it's like finding out Santa Claus is real because you catch him robbing your house. So what is stable, then? Is it's all fictitious? What about gold? You'd think so, but it turns out gold's just a shiny metal.
For right now... I mean, really shiny, but it's still just metal.
But right now, you want to put your investment dollars in things you can eat. And...
No, no, it's true. Things are delicious.
And weapons. You also want to put it in weapons so that you can kill things and then eat them.
Ooh, and make sure you buy some fire, too, because you can't keep the marauders away without fire. Are there any other tips for investors other than survivalist mantras, anything to keep them calm? Well, you know those numbers on the right side of your screen? The Dow, the Dow Jones.
No, I think it's called the Uppy Downy Index. Watch that all the time.
It's a real-time running indicator of the health of the economy. It and it alone reflects not only our country's well-being, but your value as a human being as well.
Never take your eyes off it. Seriously, what? Shh, shh.
I'm watching them. I've been doing it since Friday.
All right, opening bell. We're down about 700 points.
Back into positive territory, up 300 points.

Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! What are you doing?

Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! No! No!

Huzzah! I'm a rich bitch.

Oh, .

Thank you. Huzzah! I'm a rich bitch.

Oh, f***.

Man, I don't know what the hell is going on.

Wyatt, do you even own... Wyatt, do you even actually own any stock?

No.

But I own a boatload of fire. Wyatt Cenac, everybody.
We'll be right back. The continued confusion of the worldwide economy is the subject of tonight's clusterf**k to the poorhouse.
You know, during an economic crisis, Americans need steady, sober leadership. Now, they say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them.
And then there's this guy who... who couldn't buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I'm pleased to be here at Guernsey Office Products.

Thank you very much, David, for being an entrepreneur, a dreamer, a doer.

A dreamer?

I run an office supply store. Don't patronize me.
You underestimate my dreaming capacity, Mr. President.
I sell highlighters, but my dream is to play professional poker and to bang the Olsen twins. Please.
But with the economy vacillating between disastrous and disastrous even for South America, the president proved he still wasn't afraid to take questions from a carefully selected group. I want to just say thank you very much for understanding the importance of credit.
I thank you so much for really working hard on it. Thanks for hanging in there.
You really did a great job, because I was, I was, I really wasn't convinced until I just heard you speak. Well, thank you.
Hmm. Guern, Guernsey office products.
What could that be a front for? In fact, only one person there are the guts to take President Bush to task. My first question as a small business owner is, what are you going to do about it, President Bush? I paid my mortgage, I paid my bills, what are you doing? You're terrible at this.
And don't get me started on your foreign policy. You're like the anti-King Midas.
Everything you touch turns . Then the Secret Service forcibly escorted the president away from himself.
Now obviously the economic crisis has real consequences for real people. Which is why it's surprising that the news networks will only explain the crisis to those real people's children.
What happens on Wall Street affects all of us on Main Street. It's the classic domino effect.
Domino. Like the pizza.
I have a hard time visualizing your point. Oh, now I get it.
Our economy is six dominoes. Hey, that looks pretty good.
They seem very stable architecturally. They're all standing upright.
No! No! Oh! Did not see that coming. But if I understand your analogy correctly, and I think that I do, you're saying that for America's economy to get better, we need to space our banks further apart.
Or perhaps build them, build the original lending institutions in a pre-flattened state.

Ranch-style banks, if you will.

All right, so you've explained the economy to nine-year-olds, but I know a six-year-old

with a lot of money in the market, and he finds the domino explanation obtuse.

We asked our Robert Krulwich to explain, and he said he could explain it best with a cartoon. Let's start with a $100 bill sitting in a bank.
Okay. In a good economy, a banker is going to lend that $100 to, say, a farmer, who says, now that I've got the money, I can buy seeds from the seed people, a tractor from the tractor people, spray from the pesticide people.
But then this year a bunch of housing loans went bad and bankers got nervous. Ah, very nervous.
I like bouncing things.

Can anyone explain this to me?

Look, I don't run a hedge fund, but my brain is attached to my spinal cord.

Anybody?

Our economics correspondent, Paul Salmon, will now explain.

Thank you, PBS. Credit default swaps.
As of last year, according to an industry group, there were not 62 million dollars, not 62 billion dollars, but 62 trillion dollars worth of credit default swaps out there. It seems to me like the economy is so bad that this guy had to move back in with his grandmother.
Paul Solomon, are you putting the zeros on the coffee table again? No, Grandma! Use a coaster! I'll use a coaster! I'm explaining a national calamity! Bring me some juice, dear. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
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Intrant must follow AMDA on Instagram. Now it's time to buy gold.
Gold gives me freedom from all the financial madness in the world. Gold is the time-tested currency that goes up, not down.
You know, that convicted felon makes a lot of sense. Although, if I recall, he didn't think he or Nixon would ever go down either.
Gold! It's the ultimate fear hedge. When the dollar fails and the world plunges into a dystopian nightmare of vicious tribes warring

for dwindling necessities,

you'll always have gold.

Excuse me, good

sir. You look

like a man who appreciates the finer things.

Might I interest you in some Krugerrands

in exchange for some of your processed

combustion engine fuel?

No? Well, how about then

I become your wife?

Fortunately, that's never going to happen because gold goes up, not down. So we know gold has plunged about 25% from its peak in the middle of 2011, and it got crushed in recent days.
All of a sudden, that trapdoor opened up and gold fell. The biggest one-day drop in prices in 33 years on Monday, with prices falling $140.
I'm calling it a crash in the last two days. A crash and a half.
Oh, a crash and a half! That is bad news for gold investors and also a terrible movie sequel. So it turns out gold reacts to supply, demand, fear, and hubris, like every other commodity in the history of markets.

Unless.

The only thing I have to fear is the government, quite frankly.

The government lying to you, the media not telling you the truth.

I mean, gold is the original gold standard.

And something doesn't smell right. I've missed you so much.
So the choice is clear. Either an irrationally overpriced commodity had a totally normal predictable price correction or everyone in the world's free markets, media, and government is lying to trick us into selling our precious pot of

gold.

And if we can't trust the CNBC ticker, who should we listen to?

Don't listen to anyone but yourself.

Do your own homework.

Use your common sense.

And then listen to the ultimate advisor, God.

You know what?

You are absolutely right. Just out of curiosity, let me see here.
What does God say about idolizing gold as if it has supernatural powers? Let me see here. Job 31 right here.
Job 31. If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, you are my security, I would have been unfaithful to God on high.
That's kind of ambiguous. All right, let's try another one.
Ah, Exodus, my favorite, chapter 32. Oh, what a great sin these people have committed.
They have made themselves gods of gold. Or, in other words, idolaters.
I believe that's a sell. You know, the whole point of turning For once, for once, John, I think we have something we can agree on.
Oh, my God, it's Geraint's millionaire, John Hoffman! You are still a millionaire, right? You are still a millionaire, right, or did you lose it all in gold? John, I'm no rube. What would I want with some tawdry nugget that any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick?

I know. It's ridiculous to think this random substance has some intrinsic value that's immune to market forces.

It's completely ridiculous, John. I mean, gold.
It's no beryllium.

Yes, it's what? Beryllium?

Yes, that's a different random substance. But this one is immune to market forces.

Here, let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements. Now, here is gold.
That is garbage. Platinum and silver go in the same way.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. So what do you want to invest in, John? Helium is always fun.
Parties, I guess.

Helium.

You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium.

First rule of invest elements, John.

Noble gases, bulls**t returns.

Goodbye.

But beryllium, you're talking about beryllium.

Ah, beryllium.

All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money,

and now, thanks to me, so can you.

Oh, hey, I'm John Hodgman for Beryllium.

You know, don't let people scare you into buying gold.

Let me scare you into buying beryllium.

Prized by human civilization since 1957 for its drab gray color,

beryllium is as versatile as it is solid.

Look at these beautiful dimes.

Now that I've coated them in rare beryllium dust, I'm selling them for $300,000.

Now, beryllium's not just for coating coins.

It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry.

Beryllium. Invest in the future.

Caution. Do not fashion into beautiful jewelry.
Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin. Beryllium, invest in the future.

Caution, do not fashion into beautiful jewelry.

Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin.

Beryllium is a category one carcinogen.

Inhalation of beryllium dust causes a lung disease known as berylliosis.

It's burning my hand!

Wow, that's an intriguing product.

I can't help noticing you're losing some hair now.

Well, the risks are outlined.

Another molar.

So how much verilium can I put you down for a job?

All right, I'll get back to you.

Thank you very much.

Sean Hodgman, everybody.

We'll be right back.

Sean Hodgman.

The stock market.

It's like a casino without the buffets. And for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride.
Breaking news tonight, market meltdown. As the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nosedive.
The Dow closing down more than 2,000 points. The market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis.
Wall Street's wild ride continued today. The Dow surged after President Trump talked about an economic stimulus plan.
You see, stocks rallied in that final hour of trading, up 1,100 points and finished the day at 2518. Man, the stock market is crazy.
Yesterday it crashes, then today it surges again. Like, it's so extra right now.
It's always weird to me how the stock market never seems to have any sense of history, right? Because it's like, everything that happens is happening forever, and then everything that's good is happening forever. It's almost like the way dogs think.
That's who seems like they run the stock market, right? Because that's how dogs are. Whatever's happening is happening forever.
When you leave the house, they're just like, oh no, you're leaving? You're going? You're going forever? I'm gonna starve! I'm gonna die! Oh my God. And then you come back, they're like, you're home.
You're never gonna leave. This is so great.
We're gonna do so many. Wait, you're going again? I'm gonna die.
Just breathe, stock market. But yes, the stock market dropped 2,000 points yesterday, wiping out $528 billion, which I'll be honest, I never understand.
Because like, where did it go? What do you mean you lost 528 billion? Like, what is that? Every time they say that, I'm like, have you checked your other jeans? That's where most of the money is. And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days.
But I'm making money consistently on the stock market. I'll even share my tip with you guys.
Forget investing in companies. What I do is I put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down.
Yeah, I make a fortune no matter what. I also don't understand finance.
And I normally don't feel sorry for Wall Street, but with the coronavirus, I feel like they're going through a lot. Yeah, because the one thing guys on Wall Street like to do when Wall Street is crashing is the one thing you're not allowed to do because of corona.
Put your hands on your face. Yeah.
So they spent all day yesterday like, oh no, my money. Oh no, corona.
Oh no, my money. Oh no, corona.
Ah. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at

pge.com slash open dash

lines.

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A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow.

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Big news from the stock market. You know, the app that they pre-install on your phone to make you feel dumb.
Since the stock market recovered from the COVID tumble in 2020, Wall Street has been having a blast. And the more stocks you owned, the better time you were having, which is why Warren Buffett has got those new grills.
But over the last year, inflation has been rising. The Federal Reserve has been raising interest rates to cool the economy down, and now it looks like the good times in the stock market might be officially over.
All eyes on Wall Street once again this morning was yesterday. The stocks plummeted, pushing the S&P 500 officially into bear market territory.
The Dow Jones Industrials now 16 percent lower for the year. The tech and biotech heavy Nasdaq down 30 percent year to date.
And the broader S&P index common in Americans portfolios sliding into bear market territory down 21 percent this year. Real money that Americans invest to one day retire,

pay for kids' college, or a new house.

The advice from most financial experts,

despite the high stress and the anxiety,

don't panic.

There's no need to panic.

The truth of the matter is, don't panic.

Ah!

Ah! Sorry, what did they say?

I was too busy chugging that comically large bottle of Xanax.

I'm not panicked, by the way. I'm just addicted to pills.

But yes, people, these are scary times for stocks because we are now officially in a bear market, which is when people are so broke they have to blow Paddington in a parking lot. Oh, heavens.
Oh, heavens. Oh, heavens.
No, obviously I'm joking. I'm joking.
Paddington doesn't have a penis. A market, is basically when the S&P has dropped 20%

from its previous high,

which for many can be very stressful.

Yeah, right now,

everyone who's looking at their E-Trade account,

it feels like the same way you look when, you know,

when you're looking at your ex's wedding photos on Instagram.

You're just like, why?

Why do I keep looking?

Why?

Why am I, oh, I hit like by mistake.

No, I liked it.

Now I have to comment. I wish you all the best.
Ah. Ah.
Ah. But even if you don't own stocks, a bear market is often a signal that a recession might be coming, and that affects everybody.
The economy slows down. Unemployment goes up.
Africans become president. And your mom starts buying the generic cereals with the knockoff mascots.
Yeah. Terry the Tiger says they're adequate.
And by the way, it's not just the stock market that's falling right now. Yeah, crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high,

which I find really interesting.

Because for like the past 10 years,

every single crypto bro I've met has told me

that crypto would protect me

when the mainstream economy failed.

You heard them, they were everywhere.

Crypto people would act like you were the crazy one

for not investing your life savings into a coin some Swedish teenager invented last week. Oh, you're not in doggy monkey coin? What a loser.
You know what's even crazier is that the crypto crowd is blaming Biden for this. And look, here's the thing, you can blame a president for a lot of things.
Inflation, unemployment,

not being able to cheer for your son Brandon

at a soccer game without it becoming a whole thing.

But you can't blame him for crypto.

No.

My man, if an 80-year-old man

who doesn't even know what Bitcoin is

can crash your crypto,

then your crypto ain't shit.

I said it. Yeah.
I know you're mad that your Jenga tower fell down, but that's what happens when you play Jenga. Because remember, like, this is what they said to everybody.
They said, oh, crypto is gonna save you from the market. That's what crypto is.
It protects you. They made it seem like it was a parachute that would protect us all

from the economy. And then now

the plane is crashing and then it turns out the parachute

is attached to the plane.

And you're like, what is this?

Oh, it's all going down.

Explore more shows from

The Daily Show podcast universe by searching

The Daily Show, wherever you get

your podcasts. Watch The Daily

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We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe,

but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say

and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Mario's Bistro.
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