TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central,

Speaker 3 October 13th, 2008.

Speaker 5 From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Speaker 5 Welcome to the Dallas Show. My name is Jon Stewart.

Speaker 6 I hope everybody had a great weekend there. For a second, I thought everybody was leaving.

Speaker 6 Tonight on the show, we got a good one.

Speaker 7 Author Amity Schlase is going to be joining us.

Speaker 9 She has written a book on the Great Depression, or as it's soon to be known, the First Great Depression.

Speaker 11 GD1.

Speaker 9 Now it might seem strange to be discussing an economic downturn today as the Dow Jones Industrial was up nearly a billion points.

Speaker 9 It was up a thousand points on rumors that money does

Speaker 9 in fact grow on trees.

Speaker 12 That's what they were

Speaker 6 spreading around. It was very exciting.

Speaker 9 Everybody was excited for one day to see the stockbrokers jumping up into their windows.

Speaker 13 So

Speaker 6 tomorrow, of course, the Dow will be down 500 because we are

Speaker 9 being fed with.

Speaker 6 But no matter what happens, there's still good fun to be had during these tough economic times.

Speaker 7 I know it's rough, the economy, but there's going to be an amusing

Speaker 7 tidbit if you just look hard enough.

Speaker 6 For instance, how about an unbelievably inappropriately named financial analyst?

Speaker 14 The stock market is open tomorrow, Columbus Day, and Art Cashin, director of floor trading for UBS. Art

Speaker 11 cash in?

Speaker 11 How beautiful is that?

Speaker 6 And after Art Cash In, we go to Rob a Bank.

Speaker 4 That's the best thing I saw in all this terrible news.

Speaker 11 Cash in.

Speaker 9 I shouldn't laugh.

Speaker 7 Actually, my real name is John Smartass Douchebag.

Speaker 9 Stein.

Speaker 7 And financial advisors don't just have funny names.

Speaker 9 They're also presented on the financial networks in a humorous fashion.

Speaker 7 A few weeks ago we showed you CNBC's incredible Octabox technology.

Speaker 16 Octobox.

Speaker 17 It's named of course for its creator, German scientist Heinrich Octobox.

Speaker 6 That's right. That's another funny name.

Speaker 16 We're working on Columbus Day.

Speaker 11 Where are you at?

Speaker 7 The Octobox, of course, unveiled when seven commentators couldn't properly analyze the situation.

Speaker 6 But these are tough times.

Speaker 9 What if eight pundits isn't enough?

Speaker 6 What if the enormity of this economic collapse is so huge that even eight of the financial industry's

Speaker 15 smallest-headed people

Speaker 6 can't figure it out?

Speaker 9 Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on CNBC, behold the majesty of the Decabox!

Speaker 9 Ten pundits! Ten boxes!

Speaker 9 Ah!

Speaker 9 Ah!

Speaker 9 Ah!

Speaker 15 I cannot believe we ever, as a society, got by with just eight.

Speaker 4 Now I know what you're thinking.

Speaker 6 I see nine or more boxes at the same time. I better see Bruce Valanch in one of those squares.

Speaker 18 And who knows?

Speaker 6 Maybe he's in one of these boxes.

Speaker 6 I can't make out any of their faces.

Speaker 7 Maybe 10 is too much.

Speaker 9 Maybe we're just not ready. Maybe one of them has to go, and there's really only one fair way to do it.

Speaker 7 All right, Chuck, you ready?

Speaker 18 No Ammys, no Ammys, no Ammys, no Ammys, no Ammys, and stop.

Speaker 13 That was

Speaker 20 a long walk for that joke.

Speaker 9 Anyway, that was Vince Farrell, CIO of Salel Securities Group Incorporated, who I thought had added a lot to the conversation up to that point.

Speaker 6 So what are we going to do to ease the credit crunch and get banks loaning money again?

Speaker 8 Well, last month, Treasury Secretary Paulson made clear what we won't do.

Speaker 9 Just point out and thank you, by the way.

Speaker 21 There are some that said...

Speaker 21 We should just go and stick capital into banks. That's what happened in Japan.
But we said the right way to do this is

Speaker 21 not

Speaker 21 going around and using guarantees or injecting capital. That's the Japanese solution.

Speaker 9 Stupid Japanese.

Speaker 9 Always injecting money.

Speaker 13 Perverts.

Speaker 7 Besides, we all know the Japanese solution didn't even work. Their economy's been stagnant for 15 years.

Speaker 6 There's no way we're ever going to be so desperate as to try this.

Speaker 1 Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson plans to inject money directly into the nation's banks that need it.

Speaker 22 I'm a bad dancer.

Speaker 4 For more on the financial meltdown, we go to senior financial analyst Wyatt Sinak. Wyatt, thanks very much for joining us.

Speaker 11 We very much appreciate being here. Tough times.

Speaker 7 Sorry.

Speaker 7 This wild market activity we've been seeing, Wyatt, people are scared.

Speaker 3 Not just scared, John. Scared.

Speaker 3 There's a big difference.

Speaker 7 Why the volatility, Wyatt? Why?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 volatility frequently occurs when everyone suddenly realizes that the stock market's just a consensual mass delusion based on fictitious valuings of abstract assets.

Speaker 3 You know, it's like finding out Santa Claus is real because you catch him robbing your house.

Speaker 7 So what is stable then is if it's all fixed, what about gold?

Speaker 3 You'd think so, but it turns out gold is just a shiny metal.

Speaker 20 For right now,

Speaker 3 I mean really shiny, but it's still just metal.

Speaker 3 But right now, you want to put your investment dollars in things you can eat.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 7 no, no, it's true.

Speaker 24 Things are delicious.

Speaker 11 And weapons.

Speaker 3 You also want to put it in weapons so that you can kill things and then eat them.

Speaker 3 Oh, and make sure you buy some fire, too.

Speaker 3 Because you can't keep the marauders away without fire.

Speaker 6 Are there any other tips for investors other than

Speaker 10 survivalist mantras?

Speaker 9 Anything to keep them calm?

Speaker 3 Well, you know those numbers on the right side of your screen?

Speaker 9 The Dow, the Dow Jones.

Speaker 3 No, I think it's called the Uppy-Downy Index.

Speaker 11 Watch that all the time.

Speaker 3 It's a real-time running indicator of the health of the economy. It and it alone reflects not only our country's well-being, but your value as a human being as well.

Speaker 3 Never take your eyes off it.

Speaker 9 Seriously, what? Shh, shh.

Speaker 20 I'm watching them.

Speaker 26 I've been doing it since Friday.

Speaker 27 All right, opening bell.

Speaker 28 We're down about 700 points.

Speaker 1 Back into positive territory, up 300 points.

Speaker 3 Yes! Yes!

Speaker 11 Yes! No!

Speaker 11 No!

Speaker 11 What are you doing? Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! No! No!

Speaker 16 Huzzah!

Speaker 27 Emerich, bitch.

Speaker 27 Man, I don't know what the hell is going on.

Speaker 27 Wire,

Speaker 27 you

Speaker 18 do you even own

Speaker 6 Wyatt do you even actually own any stock no

Speaker 20 but I own a boatload of fire

Speaker 7 Wyatt senac everybody we'll be right back

Speaker 7 the continued confusion of the worldwide economy is the subject of tonight's cluster to the poorhouse.

Speaker 13 You know, during an economic crisis, Americans need steady, sober leadership.

Speaker 9 Now, they say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them. And then there's this guy who

Speaker 8 couldn't buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great.

Speaker 25 Thank you for the warm welcome.

Speaker 21 I'm pleased to be here at Guernsey Office Products.

Speaker 9 Thank you very much, David, for being an entrepreneur, a dreamer, a doer.

Speaker 10 A dreamer?

Speaker 7 I run an office supply store. Don't patronize me.
You underestimate my dreaming capacity, Mr. President.
I sell highlighters, but my dream is to play professional poker and to bang the Olson twins.

Speaker 13 Please.

Speaker 6 But with the economy vacillating between disastrous and disastrous even for South America, the president proved he still wasn't afraid to take questions from a carefully selected group.

Speaker 29 I want to just say thank you very much for understanding the importance of credit. I thank you so much.
I'm really working hard.

Speaker 21 Thanks for hanging in there.

Speaker 24 You really did a great job because

Speaker 30 I really wasn't convinced until I just heard you speak. Well, thank you.

Speaker 7 Guernsey Office Products.

Speaker 11 What could that be a front for?

Speaker 11 In fact,

Speaker 6 only one person there had the guts to take President Bush to task.

Speaker 25 My first question as a small business owner is, what are you going to do about it,

Speaker 25 President Bush? I paid my mortgage. I paid my bills.
What are you doing?

Speaker 8 You're terrible at this.

Speaker 7 And don't get me started on your foreign policy.

Speaker 6 You're like the anti-King Midas. Everything you touch turns f ⁇ .

Speaker 9 Then the Secret Service forcibly escorted the president away from himself.

Speaker 6 Now, obviously, the economic crisis has real consequences for real people, which is why it's surprising that the news networks will only explain the crisis to those real people's children.

Speaker 1 What happens on Wall Street affects all of us on Main Street. It's the classic domino effect.

Speaker 9 Domino.

Speaker 9 Like the pizza.

Speaker 7 I have a hard time visualizing your point.

Speaker 27 No, now I get it.

Speaker 4 Our economy is six dominoes.

Speaker 6 Hey, that looks pretty good. They seem very stable architecturally.

Speaker 4 They're all standing upright.

Speaker 11 No!

Speaker 11 No!

Speaker 11 Oh!

Speaker 11 Did not see that coming.

Speaker 9 But if I understand your analogy correctly, and I think that I do,

Speaker 9 you're saying that for America's economy to get better, we need to space our banks further apart.

Speaker 11 Or perhaps

Speaker 4 build them,

Speaker 7 build the original lending institutions in a pre-flattened state.

Speaker 9 Ranch-style banks, if you will.

Speaker 9 All right, so you've explained the economy to nine-year-olds, but I know a six-year-old with a lot of money in the market, and he finds the domino explanation obtuse.

Speaker 30 We asked our Robert Krillwich to explain, and he said he could explain it best, with a cartoon.

Speaker 30 Let's start with a hundred dollar bill sitting in a bank.

Speaker 30 Okay, in a good economy, a banker is going to lend that hundred to, say, a farmer who says, Now that I've got the money, I can buy seeds from the seed people, a tractor from the tractor people, spray from the pesticide people.

Speaker 30 But then, this year, a bunch of housing loans went bad, and bankers got nervous.

Speaker 11 Ah, very nervous.

Speaker 6 I like bouncing things.

Speaker 6 Can anyone explain this to me? Look, I don't run a hedge fund, but my brain is attached to my spinal cord.

Speaker 6 Anybody?

Speaker 31 Our economics correspondent, Paul Salmon, will now explain.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 9 PBS.

Speaker 14 Credit default swaps.

Speaker 14 As of last year, according to an industry group, there were not $62 million,

Speaker 14 not $62 billion,

Speaker 29 but $62 trillion

Speaker 14 worth of credit default swaps out there.

Speaker 7 Seems to me like the economy is so bad that this guy had to move back in with his grandmother.

Speaker 11 Paul Salman, are you putting the zeros on the coffee table again?

Speaker 11 No, grandma!

Speaker 11 Use a coaster! I'll use a coaster!

Speaker 18 I'm explaining a national calamity!

Speaker 18 Bring me some juice, dear.

Speaker 2 We just went through like, we just went through an insane week.

Speaker 10 Everything seems very unpredictable, even terrifying. It's good to know there's one thing we can always count on.

Speaker 32 There's a storm coming, one we're all going to feel. It's called inflation.
Now it's time to buy gold.

Speaker 33 Gold gives me freedom from all the financial madness in the world. Gold is the time-tested currency that goes up, not down.

Speaker 10 You know, that convicted felon makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2 Although, if I recall, he didn't think he or Nixon would ever go down either.

Speaker 10 Gold! It's the ultimate fear hedge. When the dollar fails and the world plunges into a dystopian nightmare, vicious tribes warring for dwindling necessities,

Speaker 12 you'll always have gold.

Speaker 19 Excuse me, good sir.

Speaker 2 You look like a man who appreciates the finer things.

Speaker 19 Might I interest you in some Krugerans in exchange for some of your processed combustion engine fuel?

Speaker 12 No?

Speaker 10 Well, how about then I become your wife?

Speaker 15 Fortunately, that's never going to happen because gold goes up, not down.

Speaker 32 So we know gold has plunged about 25% from its peak in the middle of 2011, and it got crushed in recent days. All of a a sudden, that trapdoor opened up and gold fell.

Speaker 1 The biggest one-day drop in prices in 33 years on Monday, with prices falling $140.

Speaker 30 I'm calling it a crash in the last two days. A crash and a half.

Speaker 12 Boom! A crash and a half.

Speaker 10 That is bad news for gold investors, and also a terrible movie sequel.

Speaker 10 So it turns out gold reacts to supply-demand fear and hubris, like every other commodity in the history of markets.

Speaker 10 Unless.

Speaker 34 The only thing I have to fear is the government, quite frankly. The government lying to you, the media not telling you the truth.

Speaker 34 I mean, gold is the original gold standard, and something doesn't smell right.

Speaker 19 I've missed you so much.

Speaker 16 So, the choice is clear.

Speaker 10 Either an irrationally overpriced commodity had a totally totally normal, predictable price correction, or everyone in the world's free markets, media, and government is lying to trick us into selling our precious pot of gold.

Speaker 7 And if we can't trust the CNBC ticker, who should we listen to?

Speaker 34 Don't listen to anyone but yourself.

Speaker 34 Do your own homework. Use your common sense and then listen to the ultimate advisor, God.

Speaker 10 You know what?

Speaker 15 You are absolutely right.

Speaker 12 Just out of curiosity, let me see here.

Speaker 15 What does God say about idolizing gold as if it has supernatural powers? Let me see here. Job 31, right here, Job 31.

Speaker 15 If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, you are my security, I would have been unfaithful to God on high.

Speaker 2 That's kind of ambiguous. All right, let's try another one.

Speaker 15 Ah, Exodus, my favorite, chapter 32.

Speaker 19 Oh, what a great sin these people have committed. They have made themselves gods of gold.

Speaker 4 Or, in other words, idolaters.

Speaker 19 I believe that's a sell.

Speaker 12 You know,

Speaker 12 the whole point of turning to God for gold is...

Speaker 35 For once, John, I think we have something we can agree on.

Speaker 12 Oh my God, it's great millionaire, Ben Hudson!

Speaker 2 You are still a millionaire, right?

Speaker 2 You are still a millionaire, right, or did you lose it all in gold?

Speaker 12 John, I'm no rube.

Speaker 35 What would I want with some tawdry nugget that any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick?

Speaker 12 I'm

Speaker 10 thinking, it's ridiculous to think this random substance has some intrinsic value that's immune to market forces.

Speaker 12 It's completely ridiculous, John. I mean, gold, it's no beryllium.
Yes, it's what?

Speaker 12 Beryllium.

Speaker 35 Yes, that's a different random substance. But this one is immune to market forces.
Here, let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements.

Speaker 12 Now, here

Speaker 12 is gold.

Speaker 10 That is garbage.

Speaker 35 Platinum and silver go in the same way.

Speaker 13 Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 35 So what do you want to invest in, John?

Speaker 10 Helium is always fun. Parties, I guess.

Speaker 35 Helium, you can't make a commemorative coin out of helium.

Speaker 35 First rule of invest elements, John.

Speaker 12 Noble gases, bull returns. Goodbye.

Speaker 2 But beryllium, you're talking about beryllium.

Speaker 12 Ah, beryllium.

Speaker 35 All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money, and now, thanks to me, so can you.

Speaker 35 oh hey i'm john hodgman for beryllium you know don't let people scare you into buying gold let me scare you into buying beryllium prized by human civilization since 1957 for its drab gray color beryllium is as versatile as it is solid look at these beautiful dimes now that i've coated them in rare beryllium dust I'm selling them for $300,000.

Speaker 35 Now, beryllium is not just for coating coins. It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry.

Speaker 35 Beryllium, invest in the future. Caution, do not fashion into beautiful jewelry.

Speaker 36 Beryllium is highly corrosive to human skin. Beryllium is a category one carcinogen.
Inhalation of beryllium duct causes a lung disease known as berylliosis.

Speaker 12 It's burning my hand!

Speaker 15 Wow, that's an intriguing product.

Speaker 15 I can't help noticing you're losing some hair now.

Speaker 12 Well, the risks are outlined.

Speaker 12 Another molar.

Speaker 35 So how much William can I put you down for John?

Speaker 2 All right, I'll get back to you. Thank you very much.
John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back.

Speaker 23 The stock market.

Speaker 28 It's like a casino without the buffets. And for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride.

Speaker 37 Breaking news tonight, market meltdown. As the coronavirus spreads, stocks take a nosedive.
The Dow closing down more than 2,000 points, The market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis.

Speaker 24 Wall Street's wild ride continued today. The Dow surged after President Trump talked about an economic stimulus plan.

Speaker 23 You see, stocks rallied in that final hour of trading, up 1,100 points to finish the day at 2518.

Speaker 28 Man, the stock market is crazy. Yesterday it crashes, then today it surges again.

Speaker 23 Like, it's so extra right now.

Speaker 28 It's always weird to me how the stock market never seems to have any sense of history, right?

Speaker 28 Because it's like everything that happens is happening forever, and then everything that's good is happening forever. It's almost like the way dogs think.

Speaker 28 That's who seems like they're on the stock market, right? Because that's how dogs are. Whatever's happening is happening forever.
When you leave the house, they're just like, oh no, you're leaving?

Speaker 38 You're going? You're going forever. I'm going to starve.
I'm going to die. Oh, my God.

Speaker 28 And then you come back, they're like, you're home.

Speaker 38 You're never going to leave.

Speaker 17 This is so great. We're going to do something.
Wait, you're going again. I'm going to die.

Speaker 28 Just breathe, stock market. But yes, the stock market dropped 2,000 points yesterday, wiping out 528 billion, which I'll be honest, I never understand.

Speaker 23 Because like, where did it go?

Speaker 26 What do you mean you lost 528 billion?

Speaker 28 Like, what is that? Every time they say that, I'm like, have you checked your other genes?

Speaker 28 That's where most of the money is.

Speaker 28 And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days. But I'm making money consistently on the stock market.
I'll even share my tip with you guys. Forget investing in companies.

Speaker 28 What I do is I put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down. Yeah, I make a fortune no matter what.
I also don't understand finance.

Speaker 28 And I normally don't feel sorry for Wall Street, but with the coronavirus, I feel like they're going through a lot.

Speaker 28 Yeah, because the one thing guys on Wall Street like to do when Wall Street is crashing is the one thing you're not allowed to do because of corona. Put your hands on your face.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 11 So they spent all day yesterday like, oh no, my money, oh no, corona, oh no, my money, oh no, corona.

Speaker 28 Big news from the stock market. You know, the app that they pre-install on your phone to make you feel dumb.

Speaker 28 Since the stock market recovered from the COVID tumble in 2020, Wall Street has been having a blast.

Speaker 28 And the more stocks you owned, the better time you were having, which is why Warren Buffett has got those new grills. But over the last year, inflation has been rising.

Speaker 28 The Federal Reserve has been raising interest rates to cool the economy down. And now, it looks like the good times in the stock market might be officially over.

Speaker 22 All eyes on Wall Street once again this morning was yesterday the stocks plummeted, pushing the SP 500 officially into bear market territory.

Speaker 39 The Dow Jones Industrials now 16% lower for the year, the tech and biotech-heavy NASDAQ down 30% year to date, and the broader SP index common in Americans' portfolios sliding into bear market territory, down 21 percent this year.

Speaker 39 Real money that Americans invest to one day retire, pay for kids' college, or a new house. The advice from most financial experts, despite the high stress and the anxiety, don't panic.

Speaker 39 There's no need to panic.

Speaker 29 The truth of the matter is: don't panic.

Speaker 28 Sorry, what did they say?

Speaker 28 I was too busy chugging that comically large bottle of Xanax. I'm not panicked by the way, I'm just addicted to pills.

Speaker 28 But yes, people, these are scary times for stocks because we are now officially in a bear market, which is when people are so broke they have to blow Paddington in a parking lot.

Speaker 16 Oh heavens, oh heavens, oh heavens! Now, obviously, I'm joking.

Speaker 28 I'm joking. Paddington doesn't have a penis.
A bear market is basically when the S ⁇ P has dropped 20% from its previous high, which for many can be very stressful.

Speaker 28 Yeah, right now everyone who's looking at their A-Trade account feels like the same way you look when you know when you're looking at your ex's wedding photos on Instagram. You're just like, why?

Speaker 11 Why do I keep looking? Why?

Speaker 11 Why am I... Oh, I hit like by mistake.
No,

Speaker 11 I liked it. Now I have to comment.

Speaker 23 I wish you all the best.

Speaker 28 But even if you don't own stocks, a bear market is often a signal that a recession might be coming.

Speaker 25 And that affects everybody.

Speaker 28 The economy slows down, unemployment goes up, Africans become presidents and your mom starts buying the generic cereals with the knockoff mascots. Yeah,

Speaker 8 Terry the tiger says they're adequate.

Speaker 28 And by the way, it's not just the stock market that's falling right now.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Crypto is crashing even harder with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I find really interesting.

Speaker 28 Because for like the past 10 years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Speaker 11 You heard them, they were everywhere.

Speaker 28 Crypto people would act like you were the crazy one for not investing your life savings into a coin some Swedish teenager invented last week.

Speaker 11 Oh, you're not in doggy monkey coin? What a loser!

Speaker 28 You know what's even crazier is that the crypto crowd is blaming Biden for this.

Speaker 28 And look, you know, here's the thing: here's the thing: you can blame a president for a lot of things: inflation, unemployment, not being able to cheer for your son Brandon in a soccer game without it becoming a whole thing.

Speaker 28 But

Speaker 28 you can't blame him for crypto.

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 28 My man, if an 80-year-old man who doesn't even know what Bitcoin is can crash your crypto, then your crypto ain't shit.

Speaker 28 I said it.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 28 I know you're mad that your Jenga tower fell down, but that's what happens when you play Jenga.

Speaker 28 Because remember, like, this is what they said to everybody.

Speaker 40 They said, oh, the crypto is going to save you from the market. That's what crypto is.
It protects you.

Speaker 26 They made it seem like it was a parachute that would protect us all from the economy. And then now the plane is crashing, and then it turns out the parachute is attached to the plane.

Speaker 11 You're like, what is this? Oh, it's all going down.

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