TDS Time Machine | Presidents Meet Congress

We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.

PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. You're listening to Comedy Central.
February 25th, 2009. From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Let's begin with a big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address.
Yes, the President's first speech to a joint session of Congress after being sworn in is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice because this is probably one year you do not want to complete the sentence, the State of the Union is.

But although times are tough, it's still important to make an entrance.

The President of the United States.

Oh, yeah, here he comes.

How you doing there, brother?

Nice to see you, Chip.

Nice tie.

Oh, damn, what's up, Holmes?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, it's you. Oh, I see you.
Looks like we made it. Left each other on the way.
He noticed me. Actually, Hillary had given Obama a heads up that she'd be the one wearing the retina-searing coat.

Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task.

Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future,

all while desperately,

desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of whack-a-mole.

Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi, she is one-eighth gopher on her father's side. So how did Obama do? We are living through difficult and uncertain times.
Our economy is in crisis. We import more oil today than ever before.
Credit has stopped flowing. The price of tuition is higher than Half of the students who begin college never finish.
Sobering reality...check? And the hope part? I pledge to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office. This plan will save or create 3.5 million jobs.
By 2020, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. We will double this nation's supply of renewable energy in the next three years.
Our recovery plan will invest in electronic health records and new technology. The United States of America will emerge stronger than before.
All right, Hope, there you go. Nice agenda.
Solid, confident, definitely... Health care reform cannot wait.
It must not wait. And it will not wait another year.
Okay, easy there, fella. Let's just...
Let's keep our feet on the ground here. Let's just...
Cure for cancer in our time. are you a wizard slow down what's next you want the moon just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around and pull it down but I do that by 2000 by two by 2010 we'll have cinnabons that make you skinnier 2012 we'll have a boner pill that that that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about now get out of here zoo zoo what makes you think this in any way, shape, or form, Mr.
President, could happen? This is America. We don't do what's easy.
We do what's necessary. Have you met America? Have you been to America? We don't do what's easy.
Do you know what e pluribus unimus means? Easy and unnecessary.

We're the people who invented the Roomba because the other automatic machine we invented to clean the floor

made you do this.

This was too much.

This is a popular exercise in our country. We invented this.
This is real. It's called Bacon-A's.
It's bacon combined with mayonnaise. For people who want heart disease but are too lazy to actually make the bacon.
So, in your little plan there, if you're wondering whether to go with necessary or easy, I'd go with easy. 95% of working households in America will receive a tax cut.
CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks

or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet.

Those days are over.

That is good news for taxpayers

and bad news for Armando's house of fancily draped private jets.

You'd think Armando would put a shirt on in the private jet business, but apparently not. Now, with Obama's speech still ringing in America's ears, it was time for the Republican response.
Luckily, they had just the man for the job. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, very popular up-and-comer in the Republican Party.
He's been sort of the rising star, de facto head of the Republican Party.

He's being talked about for a possible run

at the White House.

Ooh, all right.

Big Republican rising star,

the GOP's very own Shia LeBouf.

Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras. What the was that? Where have I seen that before? It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor.
That's right. I saw that in my childhood.
But of course, this is the governor of Louisiana. He's not going to talk to us like some besweatered friend of the trolley people.

We place our hope in you, the American people.

The way to lead is by empowering you, the American people.

I visited Sheriff Harry Lee.

He was literally yelling into the phone.

Well, I'm the sheriff, and if you don't like it, you can come and arrest me.

Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him, too.

We believe that Americans can do anything. Can we have candy for dinner? I believe that I can do anything.
I want to be an astronaut that kills and eats firemen. As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad.
Growing up in India, he had seen extreme poverty. As we walked through the aisles, looking at the endless variety on the shelves, he would tell me, Bobby, Americans can do anything.
Yeah, we covered that. Bacon A's.
American do anything. And.
And I mean anything. Like, say, I don't know, the same great taste of bacon and mayonnaise in a Bacon-A's light.
They actually make a Bacon-A's light. Half of that.
It is unbelievable. You know how I like to have Bacon-A's light, and I really, I can't resist it.
I like to have it with a pancake wrapped in a sausage on a stick.

I choose the blueberry pancake

on the sausage on a stick

because I'm kind of a health nut.

But that's what I like to do.

I like to...

No, don't make... No, don't make...
No, don't make... No, don't make...
No, don't make... No, don't make...
No, don't make... No, don't make...
No, don't make... No, don't make...
No, don't make... No, don't make...
May I say something to the makers of Bacon A's?

I know we've mentioned your product a lot on the show tonight.

Don't send us any more of it.

I can't even believe it.

I think my tongue just took a s**t. Jindal's task was not an easy one.
You see, with Barack Obama making such a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindal had to tell America why he thought that that's a lousy idea. Today in Washington, some are promising that government will rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us.
Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina, we have our doubts. So because a Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try? What other lessons did Katrina teach you?

Their legislation is larded with wasteful spending

and includes $140 million

for something called volcano monitoring.

So your other lesson from Katrina is,

what good could possibly come from monitoring

for potential natural disasters?

Who cares about lava? That's, uh, it's like a levy overtopping. It'll never happen.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business

in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
March 1st, 2017.

From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York,

this is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.

Last night, Donald Trump gave his first speech to Congress as president.

And unlike his inauguration, everyone showed up.

Bernie was there, and unfortunately, so was Ted Cruz.

Mitch McConnell, yeah, Mitch McConnell was there.

And it does me... Is it just me, or does Mitch McConnell

always look like he's seeing the end of the world?

Like, look at him...

Just his face.

Like, that's the kind of face you make

the first time you see your parents having sex anyway everyone was gathered in the capital to hear the president speak and from the start you knew it was going to be a special night because not only did Trump seem to enjoy relating to humans he even wore a non-red tie laundry day will show you things huh and then, huh? And then he went to the podium. He's there, gentlemen, your menu for the night.
I recommend the taco bowl, yes. And guys, I gotta say, the tie don't lie.
The speech got off to a good and unexpected start. As we mark the conclusion of our celebration of Black History Month, we are reminded of our nation's path toward civil rights and the work that still remains to be done.
Recent threats. Wow.
I don't know about you, but I didn't see that coming. I bet most black people didn't see that coming.
It felt like the Moonlight Oscar all over again. Yo, is this for real? Oh, and you know all those recent hate crimes he's been taking heat for about not talking about?

Well, he talked about them.

Recent threats targeting Jewish community centers

and vandalism of Jewish cemeteries,

as well as last week's shooting in Kansas City,

remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies,

we are a country that stands united

in condemning

hate and evil

in all of its very ugly forms.

It all makes sense now.

Trump wasn't avoiding

condemning those acts.

He was just saving it for a special occasion.

It's like

hate crime lingerie.

Because, come on,

Let's go. condemning those acts, he was just saving it for a special occasion.
It's like hate crime lingerie. Because, come on, let's be honest, if he condemned hate crimes all the time, we'd be like, it's just not that hot anymore.
Oh, and you know how he's been alienating all of our Muslim allies? That's over, too. I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS.
We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. Guys, don't tell me that speech wasn't great.
Trump said friends and Muslims in the same sentence.

In the same sentence.

The only time you'd expect Trump to say Muslims and friends in the same sentence would be like,

if he was like, friends, let's get those Muslims.

Or it would be, go bomb those Muslims.

I want to watch Friends.

But not with this speech.

I mean, just look at how proud his two dads, Mike Pence and Paul Ryan, were. Standing there in their identical outfits.
Who wore it better, guys? Be honest. Who wore it better? Wow.
Wow. I mean, that's...
Let's be honest, that's not a fair competition. Paul Ryan would look better than Mike Pence in anything.
Even Mike Pence's hair. He'd probably...
That looks good. I'm not gonna front.
That looks good. It really does.
Guys, last night's speech was pretty good. And you know what? If the speech were president, America wouldn't have so much to worry about.
Unfortunately, the speech and the man reading the speech have nothing in common. For example, Trump's promise to help black people, or as he calls them, inner cities.
Our neglected inner cities will see a rebirth of hope, safety, and opportunity. Now, you see, that sounds great.

It definitely sounds a lot better for black people than what Trump's attorney general

and part-time hobbit Jeff Sessions is actually doing.

Because while Trump's playing nice-nice,

Sessions has decided to pull back

on all federal investigations into police brutality.

In fact, Jeff Sessions gives so few f***s about civil rights,

he made this decision without even reading

the Justice Department reports on police

violence in both Chicago and

Ferguson. It's true.

He said he knows what they're about

because he read the summary.

Which, I'm sorry people, is bulls***.

It's like someone saying they hate

Waffle House because of the smell when

they walk past the restaurant. Shame

on you. Eat the food, then

throw up like the rest of us. You don't prejudge people.
Just don't do it. All of the things President Trump said don't seem to match up with what he's doing.
Take the centerpiece of his economic plan, tax reform. My economic team is developing historic tax reform.
We will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. Now, that sounds amazing, especially if you're a billionaire.
Because, you see, Trump's actual proposed tax plans won't help the middle class as advertised. Because if you read the fine print, you'll see that the taxes will actually go up for most single-parent households and married couples with three or more children.
And on average, middle-class households would get a 2% cut, or about $1,000. But meanwhile, the super-rich would get a 13% tax cut, more like $200,000.
That's people like Warren Buffett. You realize, through tax plans proposed by Trump,

Warren Buffett stands to gain $29 billion.

$29 billion.

Warren Buffett does not need $29 more billion.

He's even giving the money away.

He's busy like, I don't want it.

Take more, take more.

And it's coming back more.

This guy's got boomerang cash.

Take the money, cha-cha-cha, pop.

Ah!

I was trying to give it away. I was trying to give it away! What are you doing, Trump? How are you gonna give Warren Buffett more money? Warren Buffett needs more money the way a Hemsworth needs more abs.
Like, that is not something he needs. Sorry, where was I? Uh, oh, yeah, yeah.
If last night was the first time you heard from Donald Trump, first of all, welcome to Earth. You should probably leave.
And secondly, you would think, judging by his speech, that his administration would be cleaner than a freshly bleached anus. We have begun to drain the swamp of government corruption by imposing a five-year ban on lobbying

by executive branch officials.

Are you being serious?

Trump's cabinet is packed with oil and finance executives.

Of course, they don't need to lobby anymore.

Now they run the government.

That's a novel way to deal with the issue.

It's like you have a raccoon problem

and the animal control solves it by saying,

all right, it all worked out. We sold your

house to the raccoon.

Now you rent from the raccoon.

There you go.

Problem solved.

Honestly, at some

point, at some point, it felt

like Trump was just straight up trolling us.

My administration wants to work

with members of both parties

to promote clean air

Thank you. At some point, at some point, it felt like Trump was just straight-up trolling us.
My administration wants to work with members of both parties to promote clean air and clean water. Get the out of here, man! Are you...
Promote clean air and water? Trump literally that morning dismantled a bunch of water protection rules, and that's after he allowed mines to dump coal ash into streams. Which, who in their right mind? Like, who in their right mind thinks that's a good idea? Why would you let people dump coal ash into streams? Nothing good can come from drinking coal ash, except for maybe now we'll definitely know who farted.
That's the only thing. It'd be like, it was you, Justin.
You left behind a toot cloud, my friend. We know it was you.
Everything in this speech, climate, justice, middle class, corruption, this whole speech was a giant decoy for what Trump's actually doing. You know what it was like? It was like in one of those heist movies.
You know? While the fake blue-tie Donald Trump was distracting us with his speech, the real Trump was behind the scenes

pulling off the hit job.

And instead of noticing it,

we're like those dumb security guards

watching the security cameras going,

does something seem off to you?

Hey, wait a minute, no, no, we're all good.

He's wearing the blue tie.

Last night was slicker than any Ocean's Eleven movie. In fact, we thought about it and we're like, it would make a great movie on its own.
A presidency they said he'd never win. An address they said he'd never give.
And now Donald Trump is about to pull off the greatest heist of all time. With a little help from...
the real Donald Trump. We know that America is better off.
Hey, everything good? Yeah, he's looking presidential. And he's coming for all of it.
America's water. My administration wants to promote clean air and clean water

America's Money

Historic tax reform

It will be a big, big cut

And America's Civility

The time for trivial fights is behind us

When there's a job to be done, well done

There's only one person you can rely on

Inside Tan

In theaters for the next four years

We'll be right back. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe,

but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say

and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open-lines. Today marks the end of President Joe Biden's first 100 days in office, which is the period where every president tries to get their big things done.
You know, FDR introduced the New Deal, Ronald Reagan rolled back the welfare state. And Bill Clinton installed that stripper pole in the Situation Room.
And to celebrate the occasion, last night Joe Biden delivered his first address to Congress. Yes, for hundreds of years, Joe Biden has sat and watched other presidents give speeches to Congress, but now it was his turn.
And of course, thanks to COVID, things looked a little different than usual last night. Instead of a full chamber, they just had a few people scattered around.
It looked like the lights just came on in a porno theater. But still, the big names showed up.
Chuck Schumer was there, ready to trip any insurrectionists that broke in. The second dude was in attendance, signaling a runner to steal second base, I think.

And in a historic moment,

Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi became the first all-female duo ever

to get front row seats to a president's ball spot.

But of course, the star of the night

was President Joseph Roku Biden,

who used the night to present America

with a very ambitious agenda. America's moving, moving forward, but we can't stop now.
Let's raise the minimum wage to $15. Let's lower deductibles for working families in the Affordable Care Act.
And let's lower prescription drug costs.

Four additional years of public education

for every person in America.

Access to quality, affordable childcare.

Rebuild trust between law enforcement

and the people they serve.

The country supports immigration reform.

We should act.

Replacing 100% of the nation's lead pipes and service lines.

We need a ban on assault weapons and high-capacity magazines. With the plans outlined tonight, we have a real chance to root out systemic racism that plagues America.
Let's end cancer as we know it. It's within our power.
It's within our power to do it. Wow.
Ending racism and cancer. Biden is dreaming big.
I mean, I half expected him to go, you know what? it. We're going to Mars right now.
Get in the rocket, everyone. There's a rocket outside.
Everyone, we're going to Mars right now. And by the way, for someone who people think of as a moderate, this agenda was hella progressive.
Free college, free childcare. I mean, you'd think that Bernie was just off screen, you know, with these fists like, don't you dare forget about student debt, Joe Biden, or I'm gonna shove 99% of this fist up your ass.
But I guess this is the energy that people always bring to a new job, you know? Joe Biden's got that new job enthusiasm, which always fades over time. You know, and right now he's like, I'm changing everything.
And like a year or so from now, his top priority, top priority is gonna be angling his computer monitor so no one can see he's watching Outlander. Now, of course, Biden will only be able to get any of this done if he can win over the country.
But if the only people he needs to persuade are liberals on CNN and MSNBC, well then, my friends, he's got this thing in the bag. Every single sentence had a very clear point to it.
And every line of it had that Biden humility in it. It was bracing to hear a speech delivered at times by a whisper.
His use of voice modulation was rather extraordinary. It was amazing to be able to have a conversational tone, almost as if he were channeling a FDR fireside chat.
It's really beautiful. I mean, it was beautiful.
It is so personal and so intimate. And his voice, that kind of grandfatherly, whispery voice.
Wow. okay.
I like how the news went from, we gotta hold those in power accountable, to, aw, he's just like my grandpa. I love him so much.
Also, grandfathers are not really known for whispering that they're gonna end systemic racism. In fact, usually grandfathers are whispering, I think the bus driver is a Puerto Rican.
Unfortunately for Joe Biden, the entire country is not made up of liberal pundits. There are also conservatives and they were just a little less excited.
It was an odd speech other than someone who believes deeply that a socialist vision of America, a big government vision of America, is what the American people want.

Joe Biden scared the hell out of me tonight.

He looked weak as commander-in-chief, and he embraced socialism.

The words of this speech sounded like what you would hear from a 15-year-old

if you gave him a credit card with no credit limit on it,

except the words came out of the mouth of an adult who should know better.

Republican Senator Marsha Blackburn tweeted, you know who else liked universal daycare? With a link to a 1974 newspaper article about daycare in the Soviet Union. Okay, people, even if Stalin gave people free daycare, that is not what made him Stalin, all right? No one who ever suffered through his regime was like, the famine and the gulags, they were bad enough.
But he also gave out toys to kids. That was the worst.
And at this point, we always know that no matter what Democrats suggest, Republicans are gonna say a socialist. This has become a game now.
Everything they do is socialist. Every socialist, socialist, socialist, socialist.
But, ironically, it's never socialism when Republicans wanna give money to big oil companies or help farmers in the Midwest. No, that's not socialism.
These politicians are like sports fans now. You know, it's always a foul when it's the other team.
That's a foul! Come on, ref, that's a foul! He did the... Did you see how he looked at him? That's a foul! Come on, ref, do something! Uh, dude, your guy just shot the opponent.
Hey, you know what, buddy? It's a contact sport, man up. So look, it's not surprising that conservatives are unhappy with Biden's progressive proposals, but that wasn't their only complaint.
No, Biden's speech didn't just make them angry, it also made them tired. Boy, that was a dull, lifeless, boring speech.
It's like he's a corpse, I mean, you can't, it's unwatchable. It was so boring.
I just wanted to, you know, where there's original watching this thing go to sleep. It was one of the most dull speeches that I've ever seen.
Republican leader in the house, that would be Mr. McCarthy of California.
This whole thing could have just been an email. And then of course we get shots of Ted Cruz sleeping in the audience.
You see that? Ted Cruz was so bored at that speech that he fell asleep. And I know what you're thinking right now.
You think I'm gonna say something like, oh, that's weird. I thought lizards slept with their eyes open.
But I'm not gonna say that.

Because honestly, that was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done.

Because that speech was boring.

And when you consider that almost none of Biden's goals

are actually gonna get past Congress,

I mean, we basically just listened to an old man

talk for an hour about his dreams.

But also, a policy speech is just a set of directions

for where the president wants to take the country.