TDS Time Machine | Presidents Meet Congress

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 1 You're listening to Comedy Central,

Speaker 1 February 25th, 2009.

Speaker 1 From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Speaker 2 Let's begin with a big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address.

Speaker 2 Yes, the President's first speech to a joint session of Congress after being sworn in is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice because this is probably one year you do not want to complete the sentence.

Speaker 2 The State of the Union is.

Speaker 2 But although times are tough, it's still important to make an entrance.

Speaker 1 The President of the United States.

Speaker 2 Hey, Donan, brother. Nice to see you.
Chip, nice tie.

Speaker 1 Oh, damn, what's up, Holmes?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, it's you.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see you.

Speaker 1 Looks like we're made.

Speaker 1 Let's each other all the way.

Speaker 1 He noticed me.

Speaker 2 Actually, Hillary had given Obama a heads up that she'd be the one wearing the retina searing coat.

Speaker 2 Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task.

Speaker 2 Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of whack-a-mole.

Speaker 2 Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi, she is one-eighth gopher on her father's side.

Speaker 2 So, how did Obama do?

Speaker 3 We are living through difficult and uncertain times. Our economy is in crisis.
We import more oil today than ever before. Credit has stopped flowing.
The price of tuition is higher than ever.

Speaker 3 Half of the students who begin college never finish.

Speaker 2 Sobering reality.

Speaker 2 Check.

Speaker 2 And the hope part?

Speaker 3 I pledge to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office. This plan will save or create 3.5 million jobs.

Speaker 3 By 2020, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. We will double this nation's supply of renewable energy in the next three years.

Speaker 3 Our recovery plan will invest in electronic health records and new technology. The United States of America will emerge stronger than before.

Speaker 2 All right, hope. There you go.
Nice agenda. Solid, confident, definitely.

Speaker 3 Healthcare reform cannot wait. It must not wait, and it will not wait another year.

Speaker 2 Okay, easy there, fella. Let's just

Speaker 2 keep our feet on the ground here.

Speaker 3 Let's just cure for cancer in our time.

Speaker 1 What are you, a fing wizard?

Speaker 1 Slow down!

Speaker 1 What's next? You want the moon?

Speaker 4 Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

Speaker 2 By 2010, we'll have shit of buns that make you skinnier.

Speaker 2 2012, we'll have a boner pill that gives you a four-hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about.

Speaker 2 Now get out of here, Zoo Zoo.

Speaker 2 What makes you think this in any way, shape, or form, Mr. President, could happen?

Speaker 3 This is America. We don't do what's easy.
We do what's necessary.

Speaker 2 Have you met America?

Speaker 2 Have you been to America? We don't do what's easy. We do it.
Do you know what e plurbus unum means? Easy and unnecessary.

Speaker 2 We're the people who invented the Roomba

Speaker 2 because the other automatic machine we invented to clean the floor made you do this.

Speaker 2 This was too much.

Speaker 2 This is a popular exercise in our country.

Speaker 2 We invented this. This is real.

Speaker 2 It's called Bacon Aase.

Speaker 2 It's bacon combined with mayonnaise

Speaker 2 for people who want heart disease but are too lazy to actually make the bacon.

Speaker 2 So in your little plan there, if you're wondering whether to go with necessary or easy,

Speaker 2 I'd go with easy.

Speaker 3 95% of working households in America will receive a tax cut. CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet.
Those days are over.

Speaker 2 That is good news for taxpayers and bad news for Armando's house of fancily draped private jets.

Speaker 2 You would think Armando would put a shirt on being in the private jet business, but apparently not. Now with Obama's speech still ringing in America's ears, it was time for the Republican response.

Speaker 2 Luckily they had just the man for the job.

Speaker 1 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, very popular up-and-comer in the Republican Party. He's been sort of the rising star, de facto head of the Republican Party.

Speaker 1 He's being talked about for a possible run at the White House. Whoa, all right.

Speaker 2 Big Republican rising star, the GOP's very own Shia Lebwouf.

Speaker 1 Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras.

Speaker 2 Was that?

Speaker 2 Where have I seen that before?

Speaker 1 It's a beautiful day in this newspaper. A beautiful day for a neighbor who would be on.

Speaker 2 That's right, I saw that in my childhood. But of course, this is the governor of Louisiana.
He's not going to talk to us like some besweatered friend of the trolley people.

Speaker 1 We place our hope in you, the American people. The way to lead is by empowering you, the American people.
I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, he was literally yelling into the phone.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm the sheriff, and if you don't like it, you can come and arrest me. Congressman Jindal is here, and he says you can come and arrest him, too.
We believe that Americans can do anything.

Speaker 2 Can we have candy for dinner?

Speaker 2 I believe that I can do anything. I want to be an astronaut that kills and eats firemen.

Speaker 1 As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad. Growing up in India, he had seen extreme poverty.

Speaker 1 As we walked through the aisles, looking at the endless variety on the shelves, he would tell me, Bobby, Americans can do anything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we covered that. Bacon A's.

Speaker 2 Americans can do anything. And I mean anything.
Like say, I don't know, the same great taste of bacon and mayonnaise in a Bacon Age light. They actually make a Bacon Age light.

Speaker 1 Half the fat.

Speaker 2 It is unbelievable. You know how I like to have Bacon Age light? And I really, I can't resist it.

Speaker 2 I like to have it with a pancake wrapped in a sausage on a stick.

Speaker 2 I choose the blueberry pancake on the sausage on a steak because I'm kind of a health nut. But but that's what I like to do.
I like to.

Speaker 2 No, don't make.

Speaker 2 May I say something to the makers of bacon A's?

Speaker 2 I know we've mentioned your product a lot on the show tonight. Don't send us any more of it.

Speaker 2 I can't even believe, I think my tongue just took a sh ⁇ .

Speaker 2 Jindahl's task was not an easy one.

Speaker 2 You see, with Barack Obama making such a compelling case for an active federal government, Jindahl had to tell America why he thought that that's a lousy idea.

Speaker 1 Today in Washington, some are promising that government will rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us. Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina, we have our doubts.

Speaker 2 So because a Republican administration screwed the pooch, a Democratic administration shouldn't even try?

Speaker 2 What other lessons did Katrina teach you?

Speaker 1 Their Their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $140 million for something called volcano monitoring.

Speaker 2 So your other lesson from Katrina is what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters?

Speaker 1 Who cares about lava?

Speaker 2 It's like a levee overtopping. It'll never happen.

Speaker 1 March 1st, 2017.

Speaker 1 From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Trevor Noel.

Speaker 1 Last night, Donald Trump gave his first speech to Congress as president. And unlike his inauguration, everyone showed up.

Speaker 1 Bernie was there, and unfortunately, so was Ted Cruz. Mitch McConnell, yeah, Mitch McConnell was there.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't mean, is it just me or does Mitch McConnell always look like he's seeing the end of the world? Like, look at his...

Speaker 1 Just his face.

Speaker 1 Like, that's the kind of face you make the first time you see your parents having sex.

Speaker 1 Anyway, everyone was gathered in the Capitol to hear the president speak. And from the start, you knew it was going to be a special night.

Speaker 1 Because not only did Trump seem to enjoy relating to humans, he even wore a non-red tie. Laundry Day will show you things, huh? And then he went to the podium.

Speaker 1 He's there, gentlemen, your menu for the night.

Speaker 1 I recommend the taco bowl, yes.

Speaker 1 And guys, I gotta say, the tie don't lie. The speech got off to a good and unexpected start.

Speaker 6 As we mark the conclusion of our celebration of Black History Month,

Speaker 6 we are reminded of our nation's path towards civil rights and the work that still remains to be done.

Speaker 6 Recent threats.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I don't know about you, but I didn't see that coming. I bet most black people didn't see that coming.

Speaker 1 It felt like the moonlight Oscar all over again.

Speaker 1 Yo, is

Speaker 1 for real?

Speaker 1 Oh, and you know all those recent hate crimes he's been taking heed for, about not talking about? Well, he talked about them.

Speaker 6 Recent threats targeting Jewish community centers and vandalism of Jewish cemeteries, as well as last week's shooting in Kansas City, remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies,

Speaker 6 we are a country that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all of its very ugly forms.

Speaker 1 It all makes sense now.

Speaker 1 Trump wasn't avoiding condemning those acts. He was just saving it for a special occasion.
It's like hate crime lingerie.

Speaker 1 Because come on, let's be honest. If he condemned hate crimes all the time, we'd be like, it's just not that hot anymore.

Speaker 1 Oh, and you know how he's been alienating all of our Muslim allies? That's over, too.

Speaker 6 I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS.

Speaker 6 We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet.

Speaker 1 Guys, don't tell me that speech wasn't great. Trump said friends and Muslims in the same sentence.

Speaker 1 In the same sentence. The only time you'd expect Trump to say Muslims and friends in the same sentence would be like if he was like, friends, let's get those Muslims.

Speaker 1 or it would be go bum those muslims i want to watch friends

Speaker 1 but not with this speech i mean just look at how proud his two dads mike pence and paul ryan were

Speaker 1 standing there in their identical outfits who wore it better guys be honest who wore it better wow

Speaker 1 wow

Speaker 1 I mean that's let's be honest that's that's not a fair competition. Paul Ryan would look better than Mike Pence in anything.
Even Mike Pence's hair, he probably

Speaker 1 looks good. I'm not going to front, that looks good.
It really does.

Speaker 1 Guys, last night's speech was pretty good.

Speaker 1 And you know what? If the speech were president, America wouldn't have so much to worry about. Unfortunately, the speech and the man reading the speech have nothing in common.

Speaker 1 For example, Trump's promise to help black people, or as he calls them, inner cities.

Speaker 6 Our neglected inner cities will see a rebirth of hope, safety, and opportunity.

Speaker 1 Now, you see, that sounds great. It definitely sounds a lot better for black people than what Trump's Attorney General and part-time Hobbit Jeff Sessions is actually doing.

Speaker 1 Because while Trump's playing nice, nice, Sessions has decided to pull back on all federal investigations into police brutality.

Speaker 1 In fact, Jeff Sessions gives so few fks about civil rights, he made this decision without even reading the Justice Department reports on on police violence in both Chicago and Ferguson it's true he said he knows what they're about because he read the summary which I'm sorry people is bullshit it's like someone saying they hate Waffle House because of the smell when they walk past the restaurant shame on you eat the food then throw up like the rest of us

Speaker 1 you don't prejudge people

Speaker 1 just don't do it

Speaker 1 all of the things President Trump said don't seem to match up with what he's doing. Take the centerpiece of his economic plan, tax reform.

Speaker 6 My economic team is developing historic tax reform. We will provide massive tax relief for the middle class.

Speaker 1 Now, that sounds amazing, especially if you're a billionaire. Because you see, Trump's actual proposed tax plans won't help the middle class as advertised.

Speaker 1 Because if you read the fine print, you'll see that the taxes will actually go up for most single-parents households and married couples with three or more children.

Speaker 1 And on average, middle-class households would get a 2% cut or about $1,000.

Speaker 1 But meanwhile, the super rich would get a 13%

Speaker 1 tax cut, more like $200,000.

Speaker 1 That's people like Warren Buffett. You realize, through tax plans proposed by Trump, Warren Buffett stands to gain $29 billion.

Speaker 1 $29 billion. Warren Buffett does not need $29 more billion dollars.
He's even giving the money away. He's busy like, I don't want it.
Take more. Take more.
And it's coming back more.

Speaker 1 This guy's got boomerang cash. Take the money.

Speaker 1 Pop. Ah! I was trying to give it away.
I was trying to give it away.

Speaker 1 What are you doing, Trump?

Speaker 1 How are you going to give Warren Buffett more money? Warren Buffett needs more money the way a Hemsworth needs more abs. Like, that is not something he needs.

Speaker 1 Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah, yeah. If last night was the first time you heard from Donald Trump, first of all, welcome to Earth.
You should probably leave. And secondly,

Speaker 1 you would think, judging by his speech, that his administration would be cleaner than a freshly bleached anus.

Speaker 6 We have begun to drain the swamp of government corruption by imposing a five-year ban on lobbying by executive branch officials.

Speaker 1 Are you being serious? Trump's cabinet is packed with oil and finance executives. Of course, they don't need to lobby anymore.
Now they run the government. That's a novel way to deal with the issue.

Speaker 1 It's like you have a raccoon problem and the animal control solves it by saying, all right, it all worked out. We sold your house to the raccoon.

Speaker 1 Now you rent from the raccoon. There you go.
Problem solved.

Speaker 1 Honestly, at some point, at some point, it felt like Trump was just straight up trolling us.

Speaker 6 My administration wants to work with members of both parties to promote clean air and clean water. Get the f out of here, man!

Speaker 1 Are you promote clean air and water? Trump literally that morning dismantled a bunch of water protection rules. And that's after he allowed mines to dump coal ash into streams.

Speaker 1 Which, who in their right mind? Like, who in their right mind thinks that's a good idea? Why would you let people dump coal ash into streams?

Speaker 1 Nothing good can come from drinking coal ash, except for maybe now we'll definitely know who fought it. That's the only thing.
They'd be like, it was you, Justin.

Speaker 1 You left behind a tooth cloud, my friend. We know it was you.

Speaker 1 Everything in this speech, climate, justice, middle class, corruption. This whole speech was a giant decoy for what Trump's actually doing.
You know what it was like?

Speaker 1 It was like in one of those heist movies. You know, while the fake blue tie Donald Trump was distracting us with his speech, the real Trump was behind the scenes pulling off the hit job.

Speaker 1 And instead of noticing it, we're like those dumb security guards watching the security cameras going, does something seem off to you?

Speaker 1 Hey, wait a minute, no, no, we're all good. He's wearing the blue tie.

Speaker 1 Last night was slicker than any Ocean's 11 movie. In fact, we thought about it and we're like, it would make a great movie on its own.

Speaker 1 A presidency they said he'd never win, an address they said he'd never give. And now donald trump is about to pull off the greatest heist of all time

Speaker 1 with a little help from

Speaker 1 the real donald trump

Speaker 1 yeah he's uh looking presidential

Speaker 1 and he's coming for

Speaker 1 all of it

Speaker 1 America's water.

Speaker 6 My administration wants to remote clean air and clean water.

Speaker 1 America's money.

Speaker 6 Historic tax reform. It will be a big, big cut.

Speaker 1 And America's civility.

Speaker 6 The time for trivial fights is behind us.

Speaker 1 When there's a job to be done, well done. There's only wonders that you can rely on.

Speaker 1 Inside Tan in theaters for the next four years.

Speaker 1 If you're lucky.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

Speaker 8 Today marks the end of President Joe Biden's first 100 days in office, which is the period where every president tries to get their big things done. You know, FDR introduced the New Deal.

Speaker 8 Ronald Reagan rolled back the welfare state. And Bill Clinton installed that stripper pole in the situation room.

Speaker 8 And to celebrate the occasion, Last night Joe Biden delivered his first address to Congress.

Speaker 8 Yes, for hundreds of years Joe Biden has sat and watched other presidents give speeches to Congress, but now it was his turn.

Speaker 8 And of course thanks to COVID, things looked a little different than usual last night. Instead of a full chamber, they just had a few people scattered around.

Speaker 8 And it looked like the lights just came on in a porno theater. But still, the big names showed up.
Chuck Schumer was there, ready to trip any insurrectionist that broke in.

Speaker 8 The second dude was in attendance, signaling a runner to steal second base, I think.

Speaker 8 And in a historic moment, Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi became the first all-female duo ever to get front row seats to a president's ball spot.

Speaker 8 But of course, the star of the night was President Joseph Roku Biden, who used the night to present America with a very ambitious agenda.

Speaker 10 America's moving.

Speaker 10 Moving forward, but we can't stop now. Let's raise the minimum wage to $15.

Speaker 10 Let's lower deductibles for working families on the Affordable Care and Affordable Care Act.

Speaker 10 And let's lower prescription drug costs. Four additional years of public education for every person in America.
Access to quality, affordable child care.

Speaker 10 Rebuild trust between law enforcement and the people they serve. The country supports immigration reform.
We should act. Replacing 100%

Speaker 10 of the nation's lead pipes and service lines. We need a ban on assault weapons and high-capacity magazines.

Speaker 10 With the plans outlined tonight, we have a real chance to root out systemic racism that plagues America. Let's end cancer as we know it.
It's within our power. It's within our power to do it.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 8 Ending racism and cancer.

Speaker 8 Biden is dreaming big.

Speaker 8 I mean, I half expected him to go, you know what? F it. We're going to Mars right now.

Speaker 8 Get in the rocket, everyone. This is rocket outside.
Everyone, we're going to Mars right now. And by the way, for someone who people think of as a moderate, this agenda was hella progressive.

Speaker 8 Free college, free childcare.

Speaker 8 I mean, you'd think that Bernie was just off screen, you know, with these fists like, don't you dare forget about student debt, Joe Biden, or I'm going to shove 99% of this fist up your ass.

Speaker 8 But I guess this is the energy that people always bring to a new job, you know? Joe Biden's got that new job enthusiasm, which always fades over time.

Speaker 8 You know, right now he's like, I'm changing everything.

Speaker 8 And like a year or so from now, his top priority, top priority, is going to be angling his computer monitor so no one can see he's watching Outlander.

Speaker 8 Now, of course, Biden will only be able to get any of this done if he can win over the country.

Speaker 8 But if the only people he needs to persuade are liberals on CNN and MSNBC, well, then, my friends, he's got this thing in the bag.

Speaker 5 Every single sentence had a very clear point to it,

Speaker 5 and every line of it had that Biden humility in it.

Speaker 4 It was bracing to hear a speech delivered at times by a whisper. His use of voice modulation was rather extraordinary.

Speaker 12 It was amazing to be able to have a conversational tone, almost as if he were channeling an FDR fireside chat.

Speaker 1 It was really beautiful. I mean, it was beautiful.
It is so personal. It's so intimate.
And his voice, that kind of grandfatherly, whispery voice.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 8 I like how the news went from, we gotta hold those in power accountable, to, aw, he's just like my grandpa. I love him so much.

Speaker 8 Also, grandfathers are not really known for whispering that they're gonna end systemic racism.

Speaker 6 In fact, usually grandfathers are whispering, I think the bus driver is a Puerto Rican.

Speaker 8 Unfortunately for Joe Biden, The entire country is not made up of liberal pundits. There are also conservatives, and they were just a little less excited.

Speaker 13 It was an odd speech, other than someone who believes deeply that a socialist vision of America, a big government vision of America, is what the American people want.

Speaker 13 Joe Biden scared the hell out of me tonight. He looked weak as commander-in-chief, and he embraced socialism.

Speaker 7 The words of this speech sounded like what you would hear from a 15-year-old if you gave him a credit card with no credit limit on it, except the words came out of the mouth of an adult who should know better.

Speaker 15 Republican Senator Marsha Blackburn tweeted, you know who else liked universal daycare? With a link to a 1974 newspaper article about daycare in the Soviet Union.

Speaker 8 Okay, people,

Speaker 8 even if

Speaker 8 Stalin gave people free daycare, that is not what made him Stalin, all right?

Speaker 8 No one who ever suffered through his regime was like the film and the gulags, they were bad enough. But he also gave out toys to kids.
That was the worst.

Speaker 8 And at this point, we always know that no matter what Democrats suggest, Republicans are going to say a socialist. This has become a game now.
Everything they do is socialist.

Speaker 8 Every socialist, socialist, socialist, socialist. But ironically, it's never socialism when Republicans want to give money to big oil companies or help farmers in the Midwest.

Speaker 8 No, that's not socialism. These politicians are like sports fans now.
You know, it's always a foul when it's the other team. That's a foul.
Come on, Ref, that's a foul. He did the...

Speaker 8 Look, did you see how he looked at him? That's a foul. Come on, Ref, do something! Oh, dude, your guy just shot the opponent.
Hey, you know what, buddy? It's a contact sport. Man up.

Speaker 8 So, look, it's not surprising that conservatives are unhappy with Biden's progressive proposals, but that wasn't their only complaint. No, Biden's speech didn't just make them angry.

Speaker 8 It also made them tired.

Speaker 14 Boy, that was a dull, lifeless, boring speech. It's like he's a corpse.
I mean,

Speaker 14 you can't, it's unwatchable. It was so boring.
I just wanted to, you know, Werther's original watching this thing go to sleep.

Speaker 13 It was one of the most dull speeches that I've ever seen.

Speaker 4 Republican leader in the House, that would be Mr. McCarthy of California.
This whole thing could have just been an email.

Speaker 5 And then, of course, we get shots of Ted Cruz sleeping and the audience.

Speaker 8 You see that?

Speaker 8 Ted Cruz was so bored at that speech that he fell asleep. And I know what you're thinking right now.
You think I'm going to say something like, oh, that's weird.

Speaker 8 I thought lizards slept with their eyes open. But I'm not going to say that.
Because honestly, that was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done. Because that speech was boring.

Speaker 8 And when you consider that almost none of Biden's goals are actually going to get past Congress, I mean, we basically just listen to an old man talk for an hour about his dreams.

Speaker 8 But also, a policy speech is just a set of directions for where the president wants to take the country. And in a way, directions are supposed to be boring.

Speaker 8 I mean, you don't want Google Maps like, you know what would be crazy? Is if you drove into that lake. Do it, bitch.
Do it now. Just do it.
Just drive into the lake, dude.

Speaker 8 In fact, if it were up to me, these wouldn't even be speeches. You just print it out, let the people read it.

Speaker 8 I mean, when did we decide that you can only judge a policy proposal based on how entertaining the performance of it is?

Speaker 8 Although I'll bet that even if it was printed, the haters would just bitch about the font. Oh,

Speaker 8 really? Times New Roman? And he didn't even use one emoji, worst address ever. But until then, we can't have people falling asleep in the middle of Biden's speeches.

Speaker 8 And it's safe to say that Biden's not going to get any more energy anytime soon. So maybe, just maybe,

Speaker 8 all he needs is someone to hype him up.

Speaker 10 Independent experts estimate the American jobs plan will add millions of jobs and trillions of dollars to economic growth in the years to come.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah, give it up for that economic growth, people. You down with GDP? Yeah, you don't be.

Speaker 1 Ha ha!

Speaker 9 Hit up with another one, Joe.

Speaker 10 This is the largest jobs plan since World War War II.

Speaker 10 Creates jobs to upgrade our transportation infrastructure.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 1 It's infrastructure time, people.

Speaker 9 The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, which means we got to build another roof with sustainable materials and maybe use some solar panels, y'all. That's what we're doing, right, Joe?

Speaker 10 America will stand up to unfair trade practices that undercut American workers and American industries, like subsidies from state-to-state-owned operations operations and enterprises and the theft of American technology and intellectual property.

Speaker 8 Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 9 whatever he said.

Speaker 8 Yo, man, I'm sorry, Joe, man.

Speaker 1 I'm trying, man, but this is, you know, the energy.

Speaker 8 And I don't have my menthols right now. You got to lose? This is, I'm sorry, man.
I tried, Joe.

Speaker 11 I tried.

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