TDS Time Machine | The Oscars

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 The Oscars are just around the corner. That magical night when America's finest actors seethe with rage while British people pretending to be Americans steal their awards.

Speaker 3 And if you're not excited about the Academy Academy Awards, welcome to the club. They suck.

Speaker 3 For years, the Oscars broadcast has drawn fewer people than the strip aerobics class I teach. It's exercise, and it helps me unlock my sensuality.

Speaker 3 So this year, the producers are trying to get us watching again in ways that range from the idiotic to the insane.

Speaker 4 The producers of the Oscars are slimming down the broadcast in an effort to boost slumping ratings.

Speaker 4 Eight awards will now be presented off-air, including the Oscars for film editing, makeup and hairstyling, and music original score.

Speaker 4 The ceremony for those categories will begin an hour before the telecast. The winners will then be sprinkled into the three-hour broadcast.

Speaker 4 The president of the Academy says the changes are necessary for the future success of the Oscars.

Speaker 3 You can't cut out the men and women who work behind the scenes. Without them on stage, the Oscars are just awards for Hollywood's greatest sex criminals.

Speaker 3 How sad is it that the Academy has decided that the reason people don't want to watch its award show is that there are too many awards. Recognizing excellence through awards is the whole point.

Speaker 3 Without that, the Oscars are totally meaningless. Also, with that, the Oscars are totally meaningless.
It's especially unfair not to broadcast the makeup and hairstyle Oscars.

Speaker 3 Those people are the backbone of our industry. I have a whole team of people working hours to make me this beautiful.

Speaker 3 Now, if people simply don't care about the little awards, then sure, cutting them will make the show more appealing.

Speaker 3 The problem is nobody cares about the big awards either, because they keep nominating movies nobody has seen. Okay,

Speaker 3 I did see the power of the dog, but only because they tricked me into thinking it was a superhero movie. If the dog doesn't fly, that's not a power.
So now the Academy has a real problem.

Speaker 3 Sure, they could just nominate movies ordinary people like, but that wouldn't be a good idea either, because ordinary people are morons who only like dumb movies that don't deserve nominations.

Speaker 3 So instead, they've come up with the perfect way to pander to fans, while also insulting our intelligence.

Speaker 4 And the Motion Picture Academy is looking to get film fans involved.

Speaker 4 The Hollywood Reporter says this year, folks on Twitter get to vote on their favorite movies of last year using the hashtag OscarsFanFavorite.

Speaker 4 It can be any title, so you're not limited just to this year's nominated pictures. The movie that gets the most fan votes will be recognized during the Oscar show.

Speaker 3 Ah, what a great idea. Let's let Russian bots choose the Oscars.
They did such a terrific job with our elections. There's already a vote for fan favorite.
It's called buying a ticket, asshole.

Speaker 3 If the Oscars are so desperate for viewers, there are better ways to get eyeballs than cutting categories or polling Twitter. How about a halftime show? It works for the Super Bowl.

Speaker 3 Also, how about making the stars smash their heads together until they get brain damage? It works for the Super Bowl. But really, we all know what makes the Oscars such a drag.

Speaker 3 Those interminable speeches and clearly playing people off with music doesn't do jack shit.

Speaker 3 And that's why I've come up with a way to guarantee the winners don't wear out their welcome.

Speaker 3 All right everyone, let's keep it short. My bus transfer expires in 15 minutes and I intend to use it.

Speaker 7 Thank you to the Academy. Our heroes unite us.
You know,

Speaker 7 the best among us who inspire us to find the best in ourselves.

Speaker 7 You know, when they unite us, when we look to our heroes, we agree.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we all agree your speech has gone on long enough. Save the rest for your diary, Bridget Jones.

Speaker 7 Venus and Serena and Selena, Bob Dylan, Scorsese,

Speaker 7 Fred Rogers, Harriet Tubman, Neil Armstrong, Sally Ride,

Speaker 7 Dolores Fuerta.

Speaker 3 Neil Armstrong's speech was one sentence. You're a disgrace to his legacy.

Speaker 3 Thank you. Thank you all so very much.

Speaker 5 As the hottest year in recorded history, our production needed to move to the southern tip of this planet just to be able to find snow.

Speaker 3 You've got to be kidding me. The glaciers may be melting, but at least they move faster than this for the last time.
Keep the speeches short and to the point.

Speaker 10 We feel entitled to artificially inseminate a cow. And when she gives birth, we steal her baby, even though her cries of anguish are unmistakable.

Speaker 10 And then we take her milk that's intended for her calf, and we put it in our coffee and our cereal.

Speaker 3 Oh, come on, not for nothing, but if you'd wrapped that up earlier, I wouldn't have needed a midnight snack.

Speaker 3 That's not only a great idea, it's a great performance. Where's my Oscar?

Speaker 11 Well, last night in Los Angeles, Academy voters finally answered one of Hollywood's age-old questions.

Speaker 12 You like movies about gladiators?

Speaker 2 The answer?

Speaker 11 Sort of.

Speaker 11 The action-adventure epic Gladiator took home best picture honors at the 73rd Annual Academy Awards, but keep in mind the direction, screenplay, score, editing, cinematography, set direction, and supporting actor apparently could have been better.

Speaker 11 The evening saw no clear winner as the major awards were split between a handful of films, primarily Traffic, Gladiator, the Chinese language martial arts epic, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and to a much, much, much lesser extent, Space Cowboys.

Speaker 11 Gladiator's Russell Crowe walked away with best actor honors, and he had a few people to thank. I'd like to thank the Academy.
I'd also like to thank my mom and dad.

Speaker 11 He also thanked the riverboat captain, who apparently just dropped him off.

Speaker 11 As for Best Actress, it came as a little surprise that Julia Roberts took home the trophy for her work in Aaron Brockovich.

Speaker 11 You know, interesting side note: the producers imposed a 45-second speech limit, but Ms.

Speaker 2 Roberts took five minutes.

Speaker 11 She used it well.

Speaker 1 I love it up here. Turn that clock off.
It's making me nervous. My name starts with R.

Speaker 11 There's four minutes and 40 more seconds of that.

Speaker 11 Bon a petit.

Speaker 11 In keeping with the Daily Show's ongoing commitment to the disabled, we'd like to present a translation of Robert's speech for the hearing impaired.

Speaker 8 And just Francis and Marcus and Mike and everybody who's watching home, telling Emma, everybody, I love the world. I'm so happy.
Thank you.

Speaker 11 I learned that from Children of a Lesser God.

Speaker 11 Like any respectable news organization, we pour unlimited resources into our Oscar coverage.

Speaker 11 So we're going to take you out live to Los Angeles where Chief Entertainment Correspondent Nancy Walls is still at the shrine standing by on the red carpet. So, Nancy, a big night last night.

Speaker 11 You had the best seat in the house, I imagine.

Speaker 9 Oh, you better believe it, Stephen.

Speaker 9 This red carpet featured a veritable who's who of who interviews who, as all the stars were asked questions by the best in the business.

Speaker 9 If you're a fan of famous people who make their living asking questions of people who are even more famous, then this was ground zero.

Speaker 9 Jonah Melissa Rivers were here. Also on hand, Access Hollywood's Pat O'Brien.
When he mused, if the crow would fly for Oscar, I had to go stand over a fan.

Speaker 9 Mary Hart was here, and who was that handsome man by her side? Why, it was her cameraman, Reginald. Yes, Stephen, it was truly a night where the Hollywood that celebrates Hollywood celebrated itself.

Speaker 11 Thank you, Nancy. That sounds great.

Speaker 11 This year's show had a decidedly international flavor.

Speaker 11 With Ang Lee's crouching tiger hidden dragon taking home a cluster of awards, it's safe to say that the Oscar stage has never before seen such a multicultural parade of influences and a wonderful assortment of strange new tongues.

Speaker 11 And then there was Bob Dylan.

Speaker 11 Dylan's satellite performance live from Australia came on the heels of performances by other international superstars, most notably Icelandic pop goddess Björk Gudmund's Dottjer, acclaimed cellist Yo Yo Ma,

Speaker 11 and Philadelphia 76er center Diquembe Mutombo.

Speaker 11 He wasn't actually there, I just like saying his name.

Speaker 11 Further adding to the international flavor, the Irving Tholberg Award this year presented to Italy's 81-year-old producing legend, Dino Di Laurentis.

Speaker 13 My gratitude goes to six beautiful women.

Speaker 13 They love me,

Speaker 13 they keep me old.

Speaker 13 My wife Marta,

Speaker 13 my daughter, Veronica,

Speaker 13 Rafaela,

Speaker 13 Francesca,

Speaker 13 Carolina,

Speaker 13 Litre Dina.

Speaker 11 De Laurentes went way over his time limit because he kept interrupting himself by saying, let's take another look at my wife.

Speaker 14 Can you believe I'm banging that? I mean, look at me. My skin hangs from my body.

Speaker 14 My skin hangs from my body like a warm doe.

Speaker 11 I'm barely a human, and I can take her any time I want, huh? Who's your gladiator now?

Speaker 11 Last night's ceremonies were watched by almost a billion people around the world. It's what makes the Oscars special.

Speaker 11 Our own European correspondent, Steve Corell, watched the spectacle from war-torn Macedonia, where he is stationed.

Speaker 2 We have him on the phone live. Steve, are you there?

Speaker 15 Hello, Stephen.

Speaker 11 What image will you keep with you from last night?

Speaker 15 Well, there are so many, but I say one picture I'll never get out of my mind was that of the Macedonian tank columns rolling into Tetevo, devouring everything beneath their ravenous steel treads and reducing this once great civilization to a nightmarish hellscape of unspeakable anguish.

Speaker 11 So I take it you didn't get a chance to watch the Oscars.

Speaker 2 Are you kidding?

Speaker 6 Wouldn't it miss it for the world?

Speaker 15 When Julia won, I was crying. I mean, I started crying because of an atrocity I saw perpetrated on a busload of refugees, but I saved a few tears for Julia.

Speaker 6 She earned them.

Speaker 11 Thank you, Steve. You be careful over there.

Speaker 15 I sure will. Oh, do me a favor.
Will you tell my wife that I love her, you know, just in case?

Speaker 11 I'll get somebody on that.

Speaker 11 Welcome back to the game show.

Speaker 5 Are you guys as excited as I am about the awards season? Yeah, yeah?

Speaker 5 I mean, we just had the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, and of course, the fake news awards, which was the biggest fake news of all because it wasn't even awards. This is a shitty website, Trump.

Speaker 5 I mean, you could have put a little bit of effort into it. Some of us took out ads and got our head did, but whatever.

Speaker 5 I'm not angry. But now, there's the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars.
And this year, granddad's got some new moves.

Speaker 4 In Hollywood this morning, the Motion Picture Academy did spread the wealth around a number of diverse projects. And the movie with the most nominations was made by a man from Mexico.

Speaker 16 With 774 new Academy voters in the mix for 2018, said to be younger and more diverse in gender, ethnicity, and geography than in years past, a more inclusive group of nominees across the board may be the result.

Speaker 16 The aim of the Academy's membership initiative in the wake of 2016's Oscars so white protest.

Speaker 5 That's right. This year's Oscars are so diverse that they're renominating La La Land just so they can take the Oscar away from it again.

Speaker 5 Here with his insider's look at the nominees is our own awards season expert, Roy Wood Jr., everybody.

Speaker 5 Expert indeed. What's up, Roy?

Speaker 2 Hey, man, look.

Speaker 17 In the past, it was hashtag OscarSoWhite. But this year, it's hashtag OscarSoSari.

Speaker 2 People who were long overlooked are finally getting their due.

Speaker 17 Obviously, the big one is Get Out, four top nominations. That's dope.

Speaker 17 Now,

Speaker 17 little known fact, Trevor, a lot of people don't know this. Get out is based on a true story.

Speaker 2 What, it is? Hell yeah.

Speaker 17 Get out is the true story of a prominent black neurosurgeon trapped inside the Trump administration.

Speaker 17 They changed some of the details, but tell me, tell me this ain't Ben Carson every day.

Speaker 6 Well, well,

Speaker 12 I find that the African-American experience for me has been, for the most part, very good.

Speaker 2 Damn, Roy, I never thought of that. Right down to the hat.
That's Ben Carson.

Speaker 5 Someone should try and free Ben Carson with a flash photo.

Speaker 2 That wouldn't work. His eyes always closed.

Speaker 5 And now, now, Roy, the star of that movie, Daniel Kalua, he picked up his first Oscar nomination. How do you like his odds? Oh, he's good.

Speaker 17 He's good, man.

Speaker 17 It's a British black dude playing an American black dude. That's like how you sit at this desk and pretend to be Australian every night, or whatever the hell accent that is.

Speaker 11 Wait, what?

Speaker 17 But also, man, don't count out Denzel. And Roman J.
Israel, Denzel Washington plays Quest Love playing a lawyer.

Speaker 17 The layers of that performance, bro.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 5 He's not playing Quest Love. I know.

Speaker 2 He becomes Quest Love.

Speaker 17 Now, this is also a great time for black actresses. Octavia Spencer.
Octavia Spencer, man, became the first black woman to get nominated two years running.

Speaker 17 And then there's the best supporting actress nominee, Miss Mary J.

Speaker 2 Blige. Yeah,

Speaker 5 that was amazing. And I've got to admit, that was a nice surprise.

Speaker 17 Oh, man, it wasn't that surprising. And As soon as I saw Mudbound, I knew Mary J.
was getting a nomination. She ain't wearing no makeup.
Trevor,

Speaker 17 anytime a black woman in the film don't put on no makeup, you know it's going to be some serious acting.

Speaker 17 You got Oprah in the color purple,

Speaker 17 Monique and Precious, and Medea and Alex Cross.

Speaker 17 I almost didn't recognize her.

Speaker 3 Oh, man, Roy, you know.

Speaker 2 The truth is, representation is so much better this year.

Speaker 5 Like, Jordan Peale and Greta Gerwig for best director, Mudbounds Rachel Morrison is the first ever woman nominated for cinematography. That's right, man.

Speaker 17 Everybody got recognized, man.

Speaker 2 Black people, women people.

Speaker 17 But you're forgetting the biggest breakthrough of them all.

Speaker 2 Fish people.

Speaker 2 Did you see Shape of Water?

Speaker 17 Bro, they got a fish person, an actual fish person, not in the background role like they normally get.

Speaker 17 This fish person is the romantic lead and he got to smash, bro. That never happens.

Speaker 2 The fish got to smash.

Speaker 5 Fish people never get to smash. That doesn't sound like a.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, wait, wait, you're right. You're right.

Speaker 17 Little mermaid, she got some pike, but only after she turned into a human.

Speaker 17 Now, I'm not blaming the little mermaid as an actress. Back then was a different time in Hollywood.
Fish people had to take the roles they could get.

Speaker 17 But this dude in shape of water, yo, he's openly fish and still gets the girl.

Speaker 2 Suck it, Aquaman.

Speaker 5 What would you do, everybody?

Speaker 5 The Oscar nominations were announced today and diversity was clearly on people's minds. Regina King was nominated for best supporting actress.
Well deserved.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 this was amazing to me. Spike Lee got his first nomination for best director.

Speaker 5 And it's crazy. It's crazy that it took that long for him to be recognized after he spent years directing the Indiana Pacers to go themselves.

Speaker 5 But this year, this year is different. I mean, it's gotten so black that two of the best picture nominees had the word black in them.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's like Academy voters were like, okay, we don't want another Oscar so white. Black Panther, Black Klansman, you know, screw it.
Let's nominate Black Mirror too. Put Black Mirror in there.

Speaker 5 It's a TV show. I don't care.

Speaker 11 We're playing it safe.

Speaker 5 So, here to talk about the rest of the nominations is someone who was in one of the year's biggest movies, Crazy Rich Asians, Our Very Own.

Speaker 3 Juan Chang, everybody. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 It's always an exciting day when the Oscar nominations come out. It's a wide open field.
Who do you think is going to take home best picture?

Speaker 18 Trevor, who gives a shit about best picture? All right. The story this year is all about the deserving nominees who are snubbed.

Speaker 18 Snubs, snubs, and more snubs, especially in the only category that anyone actually cares about. Best supporting actor.

Speaker 19 For performance by an actor in a supporting role. Mahershala Ali in Green Book.

Speaker 19 Adam Driver in Black Klansman. Sam Elliott in A Star is Born.
Richard E. Grant in Can You Ever Forgive Me? And Sam Rockwell in Vice.

Speaker 18 Oh, wow. Great job, Academy.
Solid group of nominees. But maybe you're snubbing someone?

Speaker 18 Someone like, I don't know, me, Roy Chang, supporting actor in Crazy Rich Asians, available on iTunes and airplanes everywhere.

Speaker 6 Wait.

Speaker 5 Wait, right,

Speaker 5 you genuinely think you've been snubbed?

Speaker 18 I think I've been. Yeah, of course I've been snubbed.

Speaker 18 I lost to a bunch of no-name hacks.

Speaker 2 Well, come on, Ronnie.

Speaker 5 Those are great actors in this category. Sam Elliott was amazing in A Star Is Born.

Speaker 18 Sam Elliott. Listen, Trevor, everyone in the business knows his mustache is doing all the acting, okay?

Speaker 18 I could have grown a mustache like that, but I care too much about the craft to rely on cheap facial props like that, okay? Also, my lip can't do that.

Speaker 5 Okay, well, okay, well, fine. What about Adam Driver in Black Klansman?

Speaker 18 You mean Emo Darth Vader, who brought whining to a galaxy far, far far away? Big deal, he played a Jewish guy pretending to be in the KKK.

Speaker 18 I was playing a Chinese person from Hong Kong when I'm really a Chinese person from Malaysia, okay? That's range.

Speaker 18 Plus, in the movie, I had to play an asshole when in reality, I'm more of a dick, okay?

Speaker 18 And understanding that subtle difference is what separates the best supporting men from the best supporting boys, okay?

Speaker 18 And what about Mahershala Ali? He just sat in the car for two hours. I do that every time I take an Uber.
All I get is two stars.

Speaker 18 And don't get me started on Richard E. Grant.
I bet you're like, who's that, right, Trevor?

Speaker 5 No, actually, we know him. He's the veteran actor.
He's a character actor. He's been in movies for decades.

Speaker 18 Okay, shut up, Trevor. You know what? I should nominate you for Lee's Supportive Friend.

Speaker 18 Besides, this guy's movie only made $8 million.

Speaker 18 I know Instagram stories that made more money, alright? Last and certainly the least, Sam Rockwell in Vice. Again, he already won last year.

Speaker 18 Are we just gonna keep nominating him? Is this the best supporting actor award or the best Sam Rockwell award? Plus, that's already another Sam nominated. Okay, too many Sams.
Hashtag Oscar So Sams.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow, wow, running.

Speaker 4 You

Speaker 5 really seem angry about this, man.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah, well, guess what, Trevor?

Speaker 18 I'm actually not angry.

Speaker 18 That was all just acting.

Speaker 18 Oh, wow!

Speaker 18 was great.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Oh, wow.

Speaker 5 I'm alright. You actually had us going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 18 And I hope the Academy will consider this episode for next year's Oscars.

Speaker 2 Well, we're on TV, so it's not eligible for those awards.

Speaker 18 God damn it, will the slugs never end?

Speaker 3 Runny Chang, everybody. We'll be right back.

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