147 - The Past Times with Alex Pearlman

It is fall 2025.

The Dollop podcast is going on tour in October.

October 20th will be at the Vic Theater in Chicago.

October 21st will be at the Kent Stage in Cleveland.

October 22nd, Lincoln Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

October 23rd, the Old National Center in Indianapolis.

26th, the Barrymore Theater in Madison.

The 27th, 27th, Turner Hall in Milwaukee.

28th, Pantages Theater in Minneapolis.

October 29th, the Uptown Theater in Kansas City.

And then finally, October 30th, we will be at Cervantis.

Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom in Denver, Colorado.

You go to get tickets at dollapodcast.com/slash tour.

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.

I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Alex Perlman.

The great birds, the great, yeah, great birds.

I say great for most of the guests, but this, we are very excited to have you on

for a number of reasons, selfishly for our content, but also you, how long has your blow-up been?

It feels like you've really exploded in a year.

Like people,

are people stopping you on the street at this point?

Yeah, I mean, I get noticed.

I mean, the thing is, it's internet fame, right?

So it's one of those

things.

I was, I got bigger on TikTok years ago.

Like when it first took off for me, it was like three years ago on TikTok.

I made a video and

it went pretty big.

And then the New York Post wrote an article about me.

I said, that can't be good.

Oh, wow.

And then James Wood was like, they didn't interview you.

They didn't interview me.

No, I didn't get interviewed at all.

They wrote an article about my TikTok.

And then James Woods.

It was not positive, I assume.

No, it was positive because I was really mad at an interview.

Oh, it was positive.

Yeah.

Oh, it was.

Oh, great.

Because it was right after.

Well, we love her.

Yeah.

I know.

You guys are big.

Oh, we're big and Pelosi heads.

Yeah, we call this the Pelosi house.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to jump in.

We don't say Pelosi heads since the hand.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's not true.

Yeah, no, we're Pelosi bottoms.

Okay, got him.

Well, as a Pelosi top, I was listening.

Remember when Roe v.

Wade got overturned,

everyone who has ever given a dollar to a Democrat anywhere in the country got like 15 text messages asking for $12.

And I got really mad about that because I'm like, I know that our congresspeople are really rich.

So I made a TikTok and I just listed all of the richest people in the House of Representatives, including Nancy Pelosi.

And I'm like, stop texting me.

Call your guy.

You know how to make money.

You know how to insider trade.

And a lot of people, that really resonated with a lot of people.

Some of those people were James Woods and Joe Rogan.

But I was like,

no, no.

And so I had this very odd audience for a while that was really 50-50,

conservative and lib, but the conservative side always thought I was going to convert.

They were always like, he's almost there, man.

And I was like, no, no.

I'm really mad that the libs aren't living hard enough.

Like they're not,

I'm not over here, like, hey, tomorrow they're gonna, they're, you know, they're gonna do this and suddenly, like, turn on trans people.

I'm like, no, I, I'm like really, really mad that they're not following up on any of the stuff that they've said they were gonna follow up for all the decades of my lives.

And so, those complaints really resonated weirdly with like Midwestern moms and a bunch of other things.

But I grew on TikTok to a certain point.

My wife and I started our podcast, too many tabs.

Um, and Instagram has really taken off for me since the uh, since the end of the election, because uh, my

finally stopped doing political suppression on that app.

That's right.

He did.

And I think he started doing that because of COVID stuff.

Yeah, it was because of COVID.

But then around this election, they had a little toggle.

And I was one of the little.

So I was like, this is great.

Were you really?

Yeah.

You're a loudmouth.

That's what we call you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm pretty opinionated about things that don't make billionaires happy often.

But also so funny.

I mean, it really, I don't know.

I think like it, you are just a very entertaining

follow.

So, anywhere can people follow you?

Where's the best place for people to follow?

Oh, they can follow me on almost everything on under Pearl Mania 500.

And I'm actually, I am also a stand-up.

I've been doing stand-up for over 20 years.

I'm opening for Walt Matterson and in Philadelphia at Helium Comedy Club.

I think that's October 30th.

But yeah, if you follow me on Instagram, Instagram is the best place to find out the other stuff I'm doing.

That's probably the best place to go there.

And then my podcast, Too Many Tabs.

And TikTok.

TikTok was just bought by fascists.

Yeah.

No, I know.

Well, that's how it's going to be great.

Yeah.

Well, it's technically speaking.

They've kind of owned it the whole time.

It's weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm actually making a TikTok about it.

And your podcast, you ripped us off?

Yeah.

No, it started off with the dollar.

That's how I opened it.

You guys are like, hey, how are you doing?

I'm like, I stole your show.

How are you?

How are you?

But I feel like there's so many.

You guys were the first pod.

The dollop was the first pod I ever heard of guy does research and then dumb little clown reacts for the list.

Well, now I'll jump in here.

I think like it's my time to jump in, obviously.

Yeah.

Everything but the nose, right?

Yeah, everything but the nose.

We almost called it that.

Oh, really?

Everything but the nose.

Would have been a great fucking title.

Yeah, but my podcast, you know, couples, a lot of times, you know, you click around too much on the internet and you kind of follow down these rabbit holes.

So our podcast became my wife and I, here's a thing we've been obsessing over this week and kind of describing it to each other.

So like I did an episode on Elon Musk race's grandfather.

We just did an episode on like the many controversies of Elf Beauty, the history of Jubilee, stuff like that.

Like those are, so, you know, that's what we've been doing.

Well, too many tabs is my life because doing research for this, sometimes I'm doing research for like four episodes at once and I, I literally have like 50 tabs open and then I have to use the little thing that consolidates them and takes them off the tab.

So and then I've got like 150 of those.

I think you're what you're saying.

Let's steal his shit.

He does it better.

We should probably just take his idea.

We should one week after he does his episodes.

Oh, do we?

We should just call it the clap back.

We just clap back and Alex is too many tabs.

Yeah.

You should come in because my

bad that we both have general studies degrees from community college.

So like,

how many people are on the internet who are like, hey, I've discovered this thing about carrots.

If you eat these, you'll never get cancer.

And you're like, well, what's your degree?

And they're always like, ah, speech therapy.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

And so we like to remind people constantly, we're just dumb idiots.

And like, this is what we found interesting.

And please, if we're wrong, get in the comments and tell us.

And that helps drive engagement.

How many carrots do you have to eat?

Yeah, what are we number-wise?

Like, what should we, I guess, just to quickly follow up on that, what are the carrot number?

Yeah, so, well, first thing is make sure that you're bought into a cariff ETF so that way you can make money on the other side.

And then I want to say, I want to say anywhere from 24 to 67 carats a day.

Wow, I can do that.

Nice.

That's all.

You really, you think we can handle that?

Yeah, I mean, I'll need to sit over a bucket.

But yeah.

Yeah,

this is a lifestyle choice.

But I've been looking to get a little more orange, especially in this day and age.

You'll be dropping more than a dollop.

Hey, oh.

And we're back.

Well, Alex, thank you for joining us.

We are very excited.

So, you know what we do here?

We're going to go through a newspaper from who knows when.

Dave has it.

You're going to guess what year you think it's from.

I don't know.

You don't know.

You will be right

because Dave, I don't know if he hates me, but even the way he's looking at me right now, it's not reassuring.

Everything but the nose.

Okay.

But so why don't you, you guess, could be 1700s, probably won't be.

Could be 1950, could be 1980, probably not, but go ahead.

I heard the Anti-Donna episode where you guys did like the 1600s.

And I just want to say, I really wish I lived in a time where a hat in a tree was the most pressing issue.

No.

That was a crazy.

I still think about that episode sometimes.

Well, it's hard to, it is hard to not have envy for that era.

I mean, there's such a trade-off, though.

It's like, imagine if, you know, sometimes you'll help your buddy move and your butt will be chafed.

You know, that was an incurable death sentence back then.

Now you just got to get a little gold bun on it.

All right, Alex, go ahead.

Consider cleaning it.

Alex, go ahead.

All right.

I'm going to guess, given the time, I'm going to go with 1927.

Like like it safe i like it i like that play i like that play a lot yeah i do asshole i like that play a lot i mean i like that play a lot quiet i'm in the middle of my guess

1903 you're wrong bitch it's 1955 alex congratulations way to go alex no that was a genuine win and good for you i think that's awesome do you yeah i do

by the way gareth doesn't like when you talk to him and you say gareth at the end of of every sentence.

No, that was you earlier.

No.

It gets weird when it's like eight times in a row.

June 2nd, 1955, which is a Thursday, the Toledo Blade.

Oh, the Toledo Blade.

From the great Toledo Blade.

By the way, a low-rent superhero that not enough people talk about.

What?

The Toledo Blade.

Yeah, that guy

really did a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

He thought everyone was a vampire.

I said,

yeah, go ahead.

How'd you first learn about Toledo?

The city of Toledo.

Do you remember?

MASH.

Yeah.

MASH.

You think he does this MASH stuff.

Did you watch MASH?

I saw MASH, the show.

No, I saw it.

I saw it as it was going off the air.

I was born in 1984.

So I saw the end of MASH, and everybody, like my dad, being like, we got to watch the end of MASH.

And I was like, I want to watch the Flintstones on reruns from back in the day.

If I saw MASH on TV, I was like, no.

My wife's not going to be able to do that.

That was one one of the huge.

The final episode is one of the highest-rated television programs of all time, which is crazy because it was so bad at that point.

It was so off the rails.

That's the one where they killed the baby.

Yeah,

they kill a baby.

I know.

I know about them killing the baby, not because I've ever seen the episode, but because of the NPR Radio Lab episode about it.

Wait, that's true?

Yeah.

No, they have a bad thing.

They'll kill a baby in the final episode.

Yeah, there's this whole thing with MASH.

They also did that on the final episode of Seinfeld.

And cheers.

They would instant dance and threw it into a chandelier.

If you go to tvtropes.com and you look up killing, it's like killing the baby, jumping the shark, and then you know, whatever Mr.

Beast is doing.

You know, that was when Happy Days killed the baby, in my opinion.

Could you imagine being in that writer's room?

Oh my gosh.

Should we kill the baby?

I mean, the show's called MASH.

Should we really mash it?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Yeah,

they were going to call the show Spiking It in the end zone, but they changed that.

I mean, the movie is, you know, it has very serious dramatic movies.

I love the movie.

I think the show has its moments.

It's really good.

It's just, it's one of those things where it went longer than the actual conflict.

Oh, which is

by the way, which is why the United States adjusted its foreign policy.

Like, we'll be everywhere forever just in case we want to make another sitcom about occupation.

Well, listen, at some point, we're going to bring back must-see TV.

At some point, we're going to get these cable rates back.

Okay, baby.

What do you think the theme song is going to be for Guantanamo Bay?

Oh, God.

That would be.

I'll write it.

I think it was.

Wasn't it

the song that Never Ends?

Wasn't that one of the things they tortured the people with?

It's the song.

It was like that, like the Army song.

Like, they were playing crazy

kids' music at them, which as a new parent, that's terrifying.

Like, it's absolutely horrendous.

Listen, I have Elmo singing Wake Up Potty Time Eaten Brush running through my head every moment of the day.

If someone else was doing it to me, it wouldn't be good.

Yeah.

That is, that takes a whole new dark twist.

That's one of the ways they got Noriega out of his mansion was they kept blasting rock music.

It was Grosie Rosie.

He was like ACD scene stuff.

And I was like, really?

No!

They rock too hard.

Yeah, they just kept playing Panama at him?

He's just dancing.

He's just sitting there.

He's like, this is literally the song of my people.

Dude, the Toledo Blade, is that still a newspaper?

Does that still exist or no?

No way.

No, I really doubt it.

Yeah.

Although, 55, it could.

It could.

Someone's going to yell at it.

Someone's yelling at Dirk.

It's probably been bought up by a billionaire who's using it for fake news, algorithmic SEO purposes.

Yeah, as it should be.

Yep.

Resisted brain washing for freed U.S.

Flyers say.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Still a paper.

Still a paper.

Oh, wow.

Pleaded guilty at trial to violating Red China's airspace.

Four American flyers ready to meet their families today after more than two years in communist Chinese prisons said they had resisted brainwashing but pleaded guilty of violating Chinese airspace.

Probably because they violated Chinese airspace.

I don't know.

Doesn't sound like us.

You know the best part.

The best part is it's just a funny place to put a line anyway.

Go ahead.

If you had read that title to me first and then been like, what year do you think this is?

I would have probably guessed 1999.

Because then we have like, we had that.

We've done this like multiple times.

We keep doing it.

We do love to fly over China.

We love to fly.

And we also are now into like

ocean-wise.

We're like,

yeah, we like to go up against it.

What are you going to do about it?

Imagine if China was doing that.

I mean,

they sent a weather balloon over and we lost our fucking minds.

Well, to be fair.

I forgot about those.

You know what?

If they really wanted us to not pay attention, they should have put a kid in the balloon.

A Bumbleboy?

You talking about a Bumble Boy callback?

No, but Balloon Boy?

Yeah, Balloon Boy.

Balloon Boy.

Yeah.

But that ended up...

We never got to live out the fantasy because Balloon Boy was just an anatic because his dad was a crackhead.

Yeah.

And then he was on the Today Show and they were interviewing and the kid was like, I never went in it.

And they were like, all right, son.

I love that that was everywhere for about what was that?

That was like a, that was a 12 nuts hours.

And then everyone else was like, all right, I guess we're going to move back on to the war on terror.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, well, you talk about like the hat and the tree and the six.

That was like, you know, we get those moments where the keys get jingled in front of our face.

And that was definitely one.

Yeah.

I got a laboo ring.

I was a label boy.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

Oh, so they had five

flyers?

It was four flyers?

Yeah, four.

Four.

Four, four flyers.

I mean, just say what they are.

In their first press conference since release Tuesday near Hong Kong, the airmen said yesterday that they spent long period.

They're going out of their way to not say that they're in the Air Force.

Oh, right.

They're going out of their way to do that.

We're commercial pilots.

We're just air guys.

We're just guys with planes.

It's just crazy.

The airmen said yesterday that they spent long periods in solitary confinement, did not get letters from home until after the Geneva conference last summer, and thought UN Secretary General Dag Hammersjold was helpful in obtaining their freedom.

Dag was a great one.

Dag was great.

Good guy, Dag.

Yeah, great Dag.

Well, that doesn't, I mean, it's just, you always think about like how we do it now, and you're just like, Jesus Christ.

I mean, like we were saying, think of Guantanamo.

You're like, I didn't get any letters.

I mean, it's like a counselor being upset.

Yeah.

Asked if a confession was required at their trial, Captain Harold E.

Fisher of Swee City, Iowa.

Sue.

Swee.

S-W-E-A.

Sweet.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

All right.

Whoops.

Imagine my thinking of your mispronunciation of Sue.

I'm going to go see the tribe today.

They're like, Sweet!

He said, no, not at the trial.

Was there a confession before the trial?

I believe I'll wait until I see my lawyer before answering that question.

Well,

we got a yeah.

We got a yes.

Another airman said Captain Fisher's reply would stand for all of them.

What he said.

Yeah, him.

I'll have a slice of that.

Yeah, we're going to follow whatever our boss in the plane says.

Yeah, yeah.

What a plane boss say?

Yeah, that's what we did.

Yeah, that guy, yeah.

Or the one goes rogue.

Actually, if I may, Hank.

Oh, sorry.

Asked if anti-communist statements by U.S.

politicians had any effect on their treatment.

Imagine they would never ask that today.

Captain Fisher said.

Statements by American politicians of this sort always appeared in communist newspapers.

Naturally, we wanted better relations.

We did feel it was better not to say some of the things they did.

Asked if Senator McCarthy figured in this, Captain Fisher smiled and said loudly, yes.

Every day listening to Communist Trump.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

They're just like, God, McCarthy, shut up.

Shut up, you fucking idiot.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Every time I see a picture of McCarthy, to me, McCarthy and Ted Cruz look very similar.

I think that all the time.

Whenever I see it.

Yeah.

It's also totally going through a time period where like I growing up being taught like McCarthyism's bad.

Senator McCarthy was an evil dude and alcoholic and all these other bad bad shit things about him.

And now we're in a period where there's like

35% of the country is like, no, that guy was great.

We should do that.

We should double.

We should do, we should do that four times.

All the time with a bunch of different stuff.

Yeah, never do.

Like, but he also, didn't it all kind of like it was breaking down, obviously.

It was like 10 years or however long of him doing that shit.

But then there's just another like senator who's like, dude, stop.

And then everyone was kind of like, yeah, well, yeah, I can't remember who called him out, but like, there's, there's like public hearing where there's some guy is just like, you're fucking ruining everything.

There was a moment where a guy was just like, fucking enough, bro.

And everyone was like, yeah, enough, bro.

Do you have no dignity, sir?

Is what he yelled.

It was like something like that.

He's like, and like, imagine that now, like, somebody turning to

a Ted Cruz or whatever thing they're growing in Florida this week and being like, do you have no dignity?

And And he's like, like and subscribe.

I have a podcast.

We have a podcast.

I know.

The whole government currently brought to us by

well, the lesson they learned from that was never let the ruse stop.

Yeah.

Like they were like, just don't ever admit that it's total fucking bullshit.

Although I think it's good to have a podcaster in charge of the FBI.

I do too.

I think it's going on.

I tell you, I think he has his eye on at least multiple balls at the same time.

Because

certainly does not,

they are focused on something.

Yeah.

And it ain't reality.

Yeah.

I will see.

If I see him in Valhalla,

that'll be awkward.

Yeah.

Especially because you'll have, you'll both have.

Imagine if you're trying to get into Valhalla and they're like, do you have Cash Patel's promo code?

You're like, damn it.

Oh, my God.

I wrote it down.

You can get into Valhalla a little quicker if you have Cash Patel promo code.

I see him.

I'm like, what are the other options?

Is there another place I can go?

I don't know if Valhalla's right.

Is there another place?

is there a valhalla too what do you have

i'll just go to i'll go to hell i'll go to handes what do we do in hand i'll go there honestly purgatory for as much as the catholics like they're like hey purgatory bad i'm like i don't know just sounds like a waiting room do i have a phone it's a way it is it's a waiting room it's not the best yeah

yeah it doesn't sound that bad but it's better than the icu yeah do they have judge judy on the tv there's always judge judy look on and highlights there's there's like a few mega highlight meg i'll party with some highlights yeah you never get too old to figure out the differences Yeah.

Girl.

What?

Hey, look, it's fall.

It's the fall season.

We got football.

We got cooler beers.

We're hanging out later without getting all hot.

But look, if you're wearing the same old boxers, if you're getting, if you got the old last winter's boxers on, it's time to take it up a notch.

And we're talking about me undies.

Super soft, crazy soft, very breathable.

Because I know you have a very pungent area down there.

They're made with micro.

They've worked with with me very, very carefully.

They're made with micromodal fabric.

It feels like a cloud, but, you know, still hanging everything in there.

You know what I mean?

Well, I'm sure we've all been flying and thought, I would love to know what that feels like, to jump through that crotch first.

Absolutely.

And now it's the spooky time of year, Gareth.

It's Halloween.

There's ghosts and there's goblins about.

And of course, Miandy's has a limited edition Halloween line.

It's fun, it's festive.

Well, they have these death of me ones that are, there's like skulls and uh

little orange flowers because that's the color of the season.

Why don't you ask my friend Dracula about that?

Hey, Dracula, what undies are you gonna get?

I have the glow-in-the-dark Miandis with the baits on them.

They have skulls, they have pumps.

They have skulls.

They've got the jack-o--lanterns, I think it's called.

They got webs.

They got a spider web situation.

If you want a spider web on your

area down there,

I will tell you, it's been so long since anyone's been down there.

There's many cobwebs.

So spook out your lady or your fellow with some spider.

I'm monkey underwears.

I'm probably just going to wear the

brief spider web, and that'll be my Halloween costume.

Why don't we do that?

We're about to go on tour.

Why don't we each wear the same pair of underwear the whole tour without washing them?

The same pair of water

the whole time.

Yep.

And I'm sure it'll be fine.

Yeah.

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13 kidnapped and it's legal.

What is the last part about it?

13 unaware pedestrians walking by the United States courthouse here were tapped yesterday by U.S.

Marshals and ordered inside to complete a jury.

Oh, they fucking jury kidnapped me.

They're just walking.

That is awful.

He's jury duty.

You're like, Toss it.

Oh, my God.

Jury yanking.

What if Trump had Ice Forces out grabbing people to do jury duty?

You're on a jury now.

No.

Honestly, you're on a jury.

I'm actually, I'm actually like, yeah, okay.

Like, that's, I'm, I'm weirdly for this.

Of all the ways the government's kidnapping people to do jury duty.

All right.

And also, it's like, at least you know, it's, it's, I always worry with the jury duty summons and stuff like that, that like the people who do show up are like, maybe I'll get the hot case.

You know what I mean?

If you're just walking down the street, like, oh man, I really could go for a bologna sandwich 1955.

And then some guy's like, get in here.

You got to wake up.

You're not about insider trading.

I also like the idea that like the way we do it is so fucking weird.

I do like the idea that it's like a DUI.

Like someone could be like, don't go that way.

They're doing jury duty.

And you're like, oh, shit.

Like being able to outrun your summons, like that'd be awesome.

Yeah.

A way to test.

You'd be like, shit, go, go, go.

Left, left, left.

Hey.

There's a little jury duty warning on your ways.

Yeah.

I've met people who refused to register to vote because they thought that's how they pull jury i did summons i bet that's how it is i was told that for a while but no then i got one

yeah they got you another way it's some other way i think they started doing it through driver's licenses yeah i know last time i went in for jury duty they were like i had probably an eight-week trial and i was like i love pedophiles like i was just like dude i do eight weeks my i'll that's the clip by the way

that's that that's the instagram clip right there we're out all right as somebody who understands social media it's it's dave yelling that

Someone's going to turn that into a TikTok.

It's a TikTok edit.

And then just as I cut back and forth,

I love pedophiles.

We've got to find a better way.

I'll outrun the summons.

I love pedophiles.

It's like that Australian guy was yelling.

I can even imagine somebody getting dragged in for jury duty.

He's like, what's the charge?

A succulent meal?

A succulent Chinese meal?

Succulent Chinese.

That man's hand's on my penis.

Yeah.

He's touched my penis.

Federal Judge Edward Dimmick acted under Title 28, United States Code, Section 1866, providing for just such a contingency.

to compete his panel trying a narcotics case.

Wow.

Just to go from a walk to being like, so I'm on like a narcotic jury now.

It's like a guy who had a joint.

Yeah, it's 1955.

It's like

dirt weed with seeds in it.

Yeah.

This man is trying to murder everyone in Toledo.

Meanwhile, he's just like picking seeds out of his mouth.

Yeah,

they have him on the stand.

Like, why did you smoke weed?

Why are you doing marijuana?

He's like, because I'm in Ohio.

What else am I supposed to do?

I'm in Toledo.

I'm in Toledo.

Veteran court attaches had to push their memories back more than 20 years to recall the last time this statute was enforced.

Protests rendered by the tagged strollers included incredulity.

What kind of a gag is this?

I've got a ticket to sail to Europe tomorrow.

Outrage.

This is like being

that.

If I get called on another jury, I will be saying that verbatim.

They don't.

I cannot.

Tomorrow, I have a ticket to sail to Europe.

I mean, you wouldn't get called in LA anymore, but in LA, they do not take any excuses whatsoever.

No, the last time I was almost put on a jury, I had to get kicked off the jury.

And I played a racist card, but there was a guy

before me who got thrown off.

And he just literally goes, I don't believe in law.

And the judge was like, what?

And he was like, laws don't exist to me.

And she was like, what do you mean?

And he couldn't even define it properly, but she was just like,

go.

Like, it was just, and then I, I was like, God, that was pretty good.

The

time before the last one, it was going to be eight weeks.

It was a guy who was accused of bombing like a bomb threat or something.

And

I heard the charges and I was like, this sounds a little rigged.

But

that was my first thought.

I was like, someone took some liberties with the law here.

But then they go, does anybody have a problem with law enforcement?

I was like, oh, yeah.

And then, and then she goes, I go, I think they lie all the time, constantly, endlessly.

And she goes,

Okay.

And then she tries to trick me up and like get me.

Like, she's clearly had people say this before.

And she's trying to go.

And we're going back.

I'm going back and forth with the judge.

Oh, she didn't know it.

She didn't know who she was.

Yeah, I was like raised by a district attorney.

Like, I just went through all this shit, all this, the stuff that's happened.

And finally, she was like, okay, you're dismissed.

And I turn around and the defense attorney looks at me and goes

like he's just like nice

see you in valhalla

i'm afraid to say it but i've never i can't i've never been called but i can't you never have been never it's never happened i literally i literally see what we can do i can never serve on a jury because that's my belief is that i just having been raised the way i was and everything i've seen i think that they lie constantly i'm of the the mindset of i want to see I'm different because I'm a millennial.

So I want to get inside the system and break it down from the inside.

Yeah.

I not only want to be the best.

I want to be the foreman.

And then I want to come in a few angry men and be like, guys, we're all making, what is it, like $1.75 an hour right now?

This is shit.

Foreman.

Foreman.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Foreman.

I am a man.

Mr.

Foreman.

Well, that's the crazy thing about a jury is

no one can afford to live already, and now you're going to take away a week's pay.

But the fact that that excuse has no validity is amazing.

But you're like, I can't afford to.

Yeah, but this is your duty.

You're like, but I can't.

I literally will lose my apartment.

I lost my mind when I got put on a jury.

Yeah.

I mean, I went, my mother was like, I've never seen you so upset.

I was like, fuck, like, there was going to be a trial about me being on a jury.

People cannot afford it.

They're literally telling you, like,

it's your constitutional duty.

As they point to the flaming constitution in the corner, and you're like,

well, okay.

Yeah, me, me being here for the next eight weeks, that's going to fix that fire over there.

All right, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Well, the worst was my wife got put as an alternate on a jury and she couldn't say anything.

And she was like, It was so clear the cops had lied and just framed this kid.

Like, it was so obvious.

And she's just sitting there going, This is going to make me, she was just losing her mind.

Okay, uh, federal, oh, I did that.

Um, protests rendered included tag strollers, including, what kind of a gag is this?

I've got a ticket to sale to Europe tomorrow.

Outrage.

This is like being kidnapped or Shanghai.

And just plain resignation.

It's almost worse than the army.

Before you know it, you're on a truck and you're on your way.

Well, I...

Okay.

Now, I am very against what they did, but that person's hyperbole is off the charts.

I'm going to die in Vietnam.

Two of the Shanghai pedestrians were chosen for jury.

Oh, only two?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's probably all they needed, and they just grabbed

a nice sample.

They used to have a lot.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Threats made crime.

President Eisenhower signed a bill yesterday to make threats against the life of the vice president and a president-elect, as well as against the president punishable by a thousand dollar fine and imprisonment up to five years.

Wow.

It's the seeds, the sweet seeds.

Well, I got no jokes about that.

Let's move on to the next one.

Nope.

All right.

Yeah, that seems fine.

Problem there.

Hey.

Well, here's an idea.

Don't make yourself so killable.

There's my point.

I want to let you know

I'm a little beyond there.

Anyway.

No, it's it's that's that was I didn't realize that was until Eisenhower.

You could that that wasn't a law.

That is wild.

Yeah.

I think you should be able to threaten the president.

I just it's just if you actually try try to do it.

Like, you,

yeah.

I, I mean, I remember when I was growing up hearing that rule.

That, like, yeah, I remember that.

You can't even say it.

People do it all the time.

Trevor Moore from the Whitest Kids You Know had a great sketch about it.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, yeah.

It was a really great sketch.

And it was all about, he's like, you can't say this sentence, but I can say it because I just told you what the sentence you can't say is.

Can't say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to say it because.

things get clipped now and taken out of context.

No, remember Dave's Dave came out out as a pedophile lover yeah no i didn't

i don't know if you remember didn't ted nagent put like

i'm sorry very quickly ted nugent could do whatever he wants go ahead but didn't he put like a rifle scope on obama yeah but that is

okay tooth i'll jump in out non-white nugent could do whatever he wants go ahead yeah also he also shot arrows at uh janet reno uh a janet reno doll

he did yeah back in the 90s well you could do whatever you wanted

just forever like he just oh nuggets i just remember reading an article in the paper and he was having an event called Rape of the Hills, in which he had his own private property and invited hunters, and then they would kill everything on the land.

Yeah, he called it Rape of the Hills.

And I was like, You're just a bad person.

I remember watching the VH1 behind the music of all about Ted Nugent, and like the whole time, I was like sitting there watching it.

I was like, This is a series of crimes that I think are still in like that's a crime, 100%.

Like, that's a crime.

His whole life is just crimes.

He had an album called Jailbait, right?

Am I wrong?

Yeah, behind the music.

The lyrics of his album should have got him put in prison.

Yeah, absolutely.

But anyway, Donald Trump's going to arrest all the pedophiles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He also adopted a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Girl.

Who better to find him?

But that was long after June 6th, 1955.

Yeah.

But also, like, he's one of those guys that I'm like, all these people are canceled, but they're still playing his songs on fucking Sirius and the radio and shit.

And it's like, well, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Well, I'm pedo.

Yeah, the truth is that Michael Jackson, I understand because the music's good.

Nugent, I'm like, we could do it.

No, that's the thing.

It's terrible music.

I was going to stop Michael Jackson.

And then I swear to God, a person I know who was molested was like, I'm still listening to it.

And I was like, well, fucking, there goes that.

Jesus Christ.

I was like, okay.

I mean, the only one I know of was that they cut back Gary Glitter's songs.

Like, they used to play Gary Glitter all the time in the stadiums and stuff from Jock Jams.

Well, I'll tell you something nightmarish, Alex.

I used to do kids' birthday parties for a long time, dress up like superheroes.

And eventually

the party CD that my boss made, I hated.

So I started like finding, so I put on Jock Jams and I started playing a Gary Glitter song like all the time when I'd walk into the party until eventually a parent was like, is that Gary Glitter?

And I was like, yeah.

And they were like, you know, he's like a pedophile.

He's like, probably not the best look to be playing like a pedophile rock at a kid's birthday party.

I was like, thank you, sir.

That is awesome.

Thank you so much for the update.

Just to paint the full picture, which superhero were you dressed as?

Oh, in Dick Man.

Stop.

Gareth Glitter.

Gareth Glitter?

It's me, Gareth Glitter, with my power.

Hello.

My power of

getting arrested in Vietnam.

He was like, don't play it.

I was like, how will I lure them?

His children need to get into the van for jury duty.

Don't you understand?

There's been a crime.

I've committed it.

Children, we need a jury.

Convict me.

This is very meta.

Shakespeare, Justice Stooge.

Yeah, finally.

Yank Hope

hopes to dig up proof.

Oh.

Oh, this is when they think that like six people were Shakespeare.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

But the idea that they would bury, I mean, I don't know where we're going, but the idea that they would exhume him and be like, there's 400 bones in here.

He clearly was a number of people.

An American drama historian who thinks Shakespeare was just a front for another author hopes to prove his claim next month by opening a 300-year-old tomb.

How the fuck are you going to with this man had hair?

I mean, okay, I guess we'll find out, but this sounds

Calvin Hoffman of New York has obtained permission from church officials to open the ancient tomb of Sir Thomas Walsingham, an Elizabethan nobleman at Chislehurst, England.

Chiselhurst?

You're going to a church to fucking dig up a fake Shakespeare.

Hey, listen, you know,

you know Frank Lopez over there.

I think he might have been Shakespeare.

Can I get in that one?

He says you may dig him up.

I can get in that.

Yeah.

And what can I do when I'm in there?

Whatever you want to figure it out.

Okay, we're going to get busy.

Weird, but go.

If you hear bones hitting the wall, just ignore it.

Okay, dokey.

Not an issue for us.

Is this inside?

He expects to find a lead box containing the 36 manuscripts of the first folio of Shakespeare's plays.

Oh, he's like, he got buried with them because he did them.

So he's like, this guy wrote them.

So he was like, I want to be buried with my plays.

Like, that's proof.

Yeah.

I know it's not proof.

You just might have liked it.

It would be like opening up.

It would be like opening up the crypt and that there was a complete text messages saying the entire crime that he did.

Like, that's like, it just doesn't make sense.

There we go.

That's a crazy line I'm not crossing.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

22-year-olds always use the word weary.

These manuscripts, he thinks, will show that Christopher Marlowe, another famous playwright of the Elizabethan era, was the real author of the plays, now ascribed to Mr.

Shakespeare, whom Mr.

Hoffman calls a stooge and a third-rate actor.

Wait.

He's just mad at Shakespeare for some reason.

Wait, hold on.

So he wants to dig up Walsingham because he thinks Marlowe wrote it and Walsingham was buried with the proof?

Yeah,

there is a problem here, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's what I thought.

I was like, I thought he thought Walsingham.

Because wasn't Walsingham like Elizabeth's like cop,

like cop agent guy?

There's like a lot of like conspiracies about him, like that guy in particular.

Yeah.

Yeah, there are.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've all read the stuff about him.

I saw the movie, don't worry, Gary.

I saw the movie, it's, I don't know what Shakespeare and Love,

yeah, no, I'm referencing a movie in a, in a comic book, so don't worry about it.

Still, a little lofty for how I'm educating.

I just heard about it on Rogan.

Oh, so you heard

this shit?

You know what, are the best are Rogan's literary episodes?

You know, that clip of you talking about that Marin thing went on, had quite a day on Reddit yesterday.

Yeah, it's gonna be a big one.

It's put on Instagram.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I have a little Rogan thing that I, a little Rogan story I told.

And I'm trying to get booked.

I think it'll probably take off.

Well,

the big thing with all those Austin guys is that they all watch all of the YouTube clip channels about themselves.

So if

it does not assess, they very clearly do.

Like the Elephant Graveyard and a bunch of other stuff.

Yeah.

Shane

Gillis.

Gillis is backing off.

Yeah, you could tell.

No, he did.

I saw a breakdown of like a 10-minute talk, and he's like, I'm going to Philadelphia in six months.

And he's just totally backing out.

A lot of them are shitting on the city of Austin, and then a lot of them are shitting on the culture of Austin stand-up.

But Elephant,

I was messaging with Elephant Graveyard the other day just because I was like, buddy, whatever this skill set is,

it's incredible.

I was like, you are on a level.

Yeah, sir.

Can I tell you how good

that YouTube video was?

My wife walked into the room.

I was watching it on the TV in our living room, and I was standing with my arms crossed.

I was standing with my arms crossed, like at a 45-degree angle of the television, watching it like it was a football game.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, no, he's right about that, you know?

And she was like, all right.

She just backed out of the room slowly.

Yeah.

We do a bunch of episodes of T-Bay Tabs about guys like, I bring up Theo Vaughan a lot.

I bring up Andrew Scholz a lot.

We had a whole episode about Andrew Schulz.

And just that entire, because to me, I think they've really ruined a certain aspect of comedy that really makes my brain hurt.

Andrea Moore had a great joke about Schultz that he looks like

a Jew in Germany who also was the guy who killed the Jews.

Yeah, he looks like

both the Nazi and the Jew that got.

I just wish that they could either be dumb, then be, and then play dumb.

Don't be dumb and play smart.

That's the part that really gets me crazy with a lot of them.

Where that's, that's where I get really incensed, especially about Schulz.

That's the one.

And Theo Vaughn is smart and playing dumb.

And that's where those two really grind my gears.

I don't think Theo Vaughn is smart.

I think he's genuinely a stupid human being.

It's hard to tell.

I think he plays dumber than he is.

Yeah, no, I think the dumb is the character.

I think he is the short form video Larry the Cable guy.

Like it's that same sort of general idea where he's really putting it on extra thick.

And like for the modern era.

Larry, the cable guy was smart.

No, I know.

I used to do open mics with him.

And I was there.

One of the first times he went up is Larry.

He was just solely as the cable guy.

And we were like, what are you doing, Dave?

Well, Dave started doing Daniel the Gutter Man at the same time, too.

And

only one achieved.

I don't want to take this too far off, but as a new parent, my child latches on to certain things and he's obsessed with Disney's Pixars cars, which means he's obsessed with the tow truck tow mater.

And my mom bought him a tow mater, and it talks and it's his favorite thing and so my son's favorite thing in the world is larry the cable guy saying get her done and i have to just as a somebody who started doing stand-up in 2002 and who who went seeing the rise of blue collar comedy and hating all that i'm just like yeah buddy he's great i love him i'm just like desperate holding on

this is your lefty curse it is now you have you have a kid who is a larry the cable catchphrase factory dude

it's it's like it's it's it's he hasn't he's it's not one of the words he says yet, but it's definitely one of his like activation phrases.

I'm like, they're doing ampigate on my boy.

I can tell.

What a great way to get him.

Yeah.

And what would Daniel the Gutter guy?

What was one of his catchphrases?

He had a couple.

Let's get in the shit.

Yeah, there you go.

Didn't work.

Didn't work for some reason.

Yeah, Mr.

They're going to put that in Primosec ads.

By the way, there is very, we have a very good, like, we have some great sound-ups for a remix version of you in this episode.

I love pedophiles.

Let's get in the shit.

Let's get in the shit.

Mr.

Hoffman, who said he will pay $1,000 to a stonemason to unseal the tomb, believes that Marlowe faked his death in 1593 and left England to avoid being burned at the stake for heresy.

He thinks Marlowe's patron and benefactor Walsingham, helped him.

But, according to Mr.

Hoffman, Marlowe continued to write, sending his plays to his friend who paid Shakespeare to father them.

Father.

For Walsingham could not have the plays published under Marlowe's name or he would have been put to death.

Okay, that's an interesting.

The theater used to be way more awesome.

Yeah, that's an interesting thing.

The stakes so much higher.

Yeah.

They'll kill me if they find out that I'm the ghostwriter.

I I mean the theory is and Shakespeare's just some dumbass.

The theory is fine.

It's an acceptable conspiracy theory.

Like it's got yeah that's the old that's the old conspiracy theories I like that's the

old ones where you can sit there and you know the whole thing is that actually Shakespeare's actually two different guys

I don't know a lot of people understand this.

Patriots, I want you to lock in with us right now before you take your brain juice, okay?

You need to understand that Christopher Marlowe was the true actual prophet behind those beautiful plays about fairies fairies coming to life and fucking people and eventually a man getting a goathead.

That is the truth about this.

It's part of a demonic situation that was set up by the Catholic Church.

Look, Puck Puck was a nine-year-old.

Puck should not have been involved in any of that stuff, okay?

I'm just saying King Puck was part of a big pedophile ring.

I'm just saying King Oberon was behind 9-11.

He did 9-11.

Mr.

Hoffman has been trying to prove his beliefs for nearly 20 years.

A previous attempt to get churches.

Now it is fully like get a life.

Yeah.

Like if you're doing this for a summer, all right enjoy your 20 years is sad 20 years to be like on this dead guy play plight which which to be fair which means he started this in 1935 like during the war he's like he's like all right i know there's a world war ii's on but i gotta get over there with this shovel if i could just get

the nazis

you know who's worse than the nazis that bloody shakespeare

he's a fraud

a previous attempt to get church authorities to open the tomb ended in failure in 1953.

So he just, it's two years later and he's back.

He said, we got to get in there, you guys.

But he's going to get in there.

Yeah, he did.

But now it is 2025 and we know it didn't come to anything.

Well, we don't know.

We only have one day.

We don't know.

We don't.

Maybe he might be a bone pervert.

Did we ever think about that?

He loves old bones.

I love bones.

I mind if I go in the tomb and put one more bone in the mix.

He gets his heart a, whoo, don't mind if I do.

As he opens it,

I'll do the investigating here.

I think you boys can step away for a quick 10.

Go have a cigarette.

Yeah.

Storekeeper knew exactly what to do.

Edward Wright, 76, new exit.

You shouldn't be working.

No.

This is literally anytime I get into like a rideshare with the driver over a 70, I'm like,

shouldn't he just be sitting around a lake looking at stuff?

When do old people get to just enjoy it?

Sir, please get it.

If they don't get the Senate,

please get it into the Senate, sir.

Shouldn't you be running for Senate now?

You're 76.

You'll be sleeping at an important hearing.

I love that.

I think it's Maine where

that guy's running who's awesome.

Yeah,

Grand Plattner.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the establishment is trying to get a 76-year-old to run.

But

I don't think they could, right?

The person was like, I can't.

I'm falling apart.

Well, we're lying about you.

No further than Jerry Connolly.

I mean, that was the greatest.

Amazing.

He was so old, didn't really want to do it, did it because it was his turn and then died four months later.

And then it was like, cool, great strategy.

You fucking what?

He looked like a ghost then.

Like when every day interview with him, he was weirdly, he had that weird old people purple to him.

And you're like, what is, why are we doing this?

And then like, he was like, I know it.

They voted for me.

Great.

And then like an hour later, he's like, by the way throat cancer i know the job is talking

um

yeah i i did sign the petition to stop crayola making uh old person purple it it just i didn't the color was

love it that was one of the things they rolled back immediately though it was one of the first executive orders signed because uh old per getting rid of old purple old people purple that's dei So sorry.

Yeah,

no, that's disgusting.

We've hired way too many.

Woke is dead.

All right.

So we can call it old people purple again.

But they replaced it with vibrant orange man, which is really also quite a color.

Edward Wright, 76, knew exactly what to do when two men entered his confectionery last night and announced this is a holdup.

Better days when you could just do that.

Mr.

Wright warily...

hoisted his arms in the air and watched while they took $22 from the till and ran out the door.

Mr.

Wright's store has been been held up five times in two years.

Well, people might think that that's not that is $2.5 billion in today's money.

So, this is a story about a guy who got robbed.

And they're like, good job.

Oh, they're happy with him.

Yeah, they're saying he just put up his arms and didn't fight.

He's also 76.

He's like, Yeah.

What's he going to do?

Old man reacts like an old man.

They smell like Ben Gay.

LA Motorist won't be seen.

LA Motorists won't be seeing pink streets.

LA?

LA.

Okay.

A proposal that Los Angeles paint its streets pastel colors, such as pink and mauve, was made to the city council by Elizabeth Black, a retired general manager of the municipality.

Why did we not do this?

That would have been fucking incredible.

That would have been awesome, wouldn't it?

Oh, right now what they would be...

They got pink rose.

They would be losing it.

We should do it now.

we should now we should do it mario kart the land especially as they're as they're covering up all of the rainbow sidewalks in florida it should be the type of thing you know what they get somebody somebody text gavin newsom that demon will get on immediately

oh he would yeah you just say charlie curtain go on and people hate it he'll do it immediately

you know homeless people hate pink they don't even know how to pronounce

you could do the you know the gay pride flag colors on a cross and the right would just lose their fucking mind

walking across that fucking street they already did they any any those flags anything like that

they uh who was i talking to the other day that was like uh

oh that someone i was talking to was saying how they weren't sure like they they drove by a place and it had the uh after charlie kirk it had the the american flag at half mast but the trump flag was still fully up and we started talking about the household debate of whether or not you lower the trump flag to half mast or not oh yeah and i think you you don't.

I think you don't.

I think you keep it all the way because America has suffered, but Trump's strength is still at high capacity.

Yeah, it was definitely a thought was put into it for sure.

Yeah.

Maybe do a quarter mast down.

Yeah.

I don't know.

She said this would be the city, cut down the glare from blacktop streets, and reduce accidents.

The city engineer's office studied the proposal and reported that it would cost some $50 million to paint 3,400 miles of pavement using

17,952 gallons of paint.

That's actually a lot for that's a lot.

That's a lot.

I mean, maybe just like downtown.

That's the thing.

Is like, I actually, I do actually like the idea because they've said a lot about, especially Blacktop when it comes to roads, is what leads to

these heat islands.

So like I'm in the suburbs, but in Philadelphia, like it's always like three or four degrees hotter downtown.

And when I lived in the city, just from from how much heat is being absorbed and then released from the street.

So if they, especially in a place like LA with all that sun, and then it also would have been iconic, that they didn't have to do the whole LA County.

That's crazy.

Right.

They'd have to do the whole thing.

No, that's where I think the fence swinging was too much.

You just start with a little bit and show that it works versus just be like, LA's a pink town.

I do love, I do love the fact that she went to like, because how many, I mean, now with the internet, how many city council meetings have you watched where some lunatic gets up and it's like, the road should be pink.

And everyone's like, okay,

because of the Jews.

You're like, whoa, whoa.

I think the road should be pink.

I think there's, here's some smart ideas.

And they're like,

I mean, all right, let's, let's, let's run it up the flagpole and see.

And we don't go past the Trump flag.

And then they did that.

And they came back and they're like, damn, listen, it's a little crazy.

We're going to, we're going to just not spend it on healthcare.

No,

that is the thing, too.

It's like, even hearing that amount of money, it's for public good.

It's sort of reassuring that they pass on doing that still back then because it feels like now, obviously, there's no public good.

We drive a lot of places, and the amount of times where you go under a bridge and you're like, styrofoam is really important to holding that structure together there.

Styrofoam holds up bridge.

Where you're like, wow, they really, at some point, might be a good idea to address it, I guess.

I wonder when we're going to have infrastructure week again.

Anytime soon?

Yeah.

Anytime soon?

I miss the halcyon days of infrastructure week.

No, well, all the money that we're cutting and saving, I keep wanting to know where, where was it?

Like, we should have really been pushing back on the Doge time of like, what are we, where is it going?

Where are we, where are we, what are we doing with it?

It was going to Larry Ellison so we could buy TikTok.

And then I

mean, it would have been helpful.

It would have made me less into Doge because I was a big Doge guy.

Still am.

I can tell.

Yeah, when I think of you, I think of crypto.

I think a Doge.

I think a Big Ball.

Let it play out.

Big Ball is a pal.

Yeah.

The Forrest Gump of my times, who apparently is always just there.

Every time they're like, oh, there's this new critical thing.

This is probably the inflection point of America.

And Big Balls is just right on the edge of the photo.

Big Ball.

It's like that episode of Doctor Who where those guys are like, he's always right there.

It's like, oh, no, it's just Big Balls.

Right there.

His dad's a

popcorn magnet.

What the fuck is that?

Okay.

This is why my show is called Too Many Tabs.

Things get in and they never get out of here.

That is so fucking funny.

He's just everywhere.

Big balls.

What do you think the odds are that big balls is a groiper?

Oh, it's like a

solid circle.

Yeah.

For sure.

Slack jeans out in Oklahoma City Catholic schools.

This is important.

All right.

Here we go.

I'm in.

Here we go.

All right.

Roman Catholic authorities have forbidden students of either sex to wear slacks or blue jeans in parochial grade grade schools here.

Yeah.

The order is effective with the start of the fall term in September.

Yeah.

Thinner layers, if that's what you want.

I want to see those legs.

Yeah.

All right.

Professor

DJ cut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't.

I can't.

Now, now someone will do it.

And that's going to be fucking great.

Listen, you want to, you would, I know it won't be great in the long run, but in the short run, when you get your first TikTok at it, you're going to be like, holy shit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

it'll be no, long term, real bad for you.

Real bad.

The Reverend Michael

McNami

of St.

Patrick's Parish said jeans, quote, are fine for boys who are working or out digging ditches, but we feel there is no place for them in the classrooms.

Youths who dress like gentlemen are more apt to act like gentlemen, the priest added.

Oh, absolutely.

Priest.

We proved that.

Priest.

I got proved that priest.

No, I agree.

I think jeans are just for hard work and RFK.

And

that's the only time it seems appropriate.

Why?

If you're about to say, why does he only work out in jeans?

I will beat the shit out of it.

It's just like, it's so clearly because he's hot.

He's such a good body.

He just gets it when it comes to vexing.

He just makes him look like a tough guy.

Yeah, he does.

And he looks like a fucking idiot.

No.

What?

What hearing are you watching?

That guy's got his finger on the pulse.

Good luck.

That's like something a 13-year-old boy does to prove he's not gay.

Like, it's that.

He's not gay.

He is not gay.

It's actually the only thing he looks like.

He's been accused of.

Being gay is the only thing RFK hasn't been accused of.

No, I've actually been reading this biography about Mussolini right now because I want spoilers for what's going to happen to us.

And that was a big part of it.

Like Mussolini gets the same way that Putin does.

Like these strong men, they like to be seen shirtless and be seen as one of the guys.

Like one of the things that really struck me when we recently did an episode about RFK Jr.

And I keep going back and thinking back to that Roseanne Barr video where he was admitting the bear thing.

That was crazy.

Yeah, and like the fact where Roseanne Barr is like, this is insane.

And I'm like, when Rosie's paying that look, that's nuts.

But during it, he was like, yeah, I saw this dead bear on the side of the road.

And my redneck, the redneck side of me got activated.

And I'm like, you're a Kennedy.

You don't have a redneck.

Like, what are you talking about?

But like, you have a burned everything.

man.

I think Dave's right.

I think he thinks that, like,

he's, he's, listen, he's rippling on HCH allegedly or something else.

And then, you know, something that probably you can't take via needle.

And then he puts on the jeans because it makes him feel country strong.

That's what it, I think that's what it really comes down to.

And it's, it's his.

He's got a great body.

It's his dumb guy, dumb, rich, elitist,

Massachusetts idea of what a normal redneck guy is.

Yeah, 100%.

That's his cosplay.

And then he has skin like Hulk Hulk Hogan, which is like hot dog.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

We're not going to let you get away with accusing the Hulkster who just passed away of being made a hot dog skin.

Say what you will about RFK.

Hulk Hogan was a fucking good guy, and he had a lot of people.

Do not ever say Hulk Hogan was a good one.

He was not nearly as leathery as

now.

I got to do a Hulk Hogan podcast.

Or they can listen to my episode about it called Rip's Yellow T-shirt way back in the very early days of Too Many Tabs, wherever you listen to podcasts.

It's called Promotion.

In your miscellaneous book, have they covered his obsession with milk yet?

They did mention, they didn't get too deep into his milk obsession.

I've really been stuck on the whole Ovra thing

about the secret police and like the timing of it and looking at the moment we're in now and some of the accusations.

So, um, I like, I had read that passage like last, like two weeks ago, and then like this, where we ran into this timeline.

So I've been looking into that, but the milk stuff about um, especially

he said, like he drank a glass of milk and he was eat pasta every day, but he had an ulcer.

And I'm like, don't do what you're doing.

Oh my God.

He's healing himself.

He was trying to get, he was obsessed with milk and thought it was like about virility and masculinity and was trying to get them to make clothes out of milk and stuff like that.

What did we cover that on, like a small up or something?

Yeah, small up.

Yeah, he's trying to make milk clothes.

Milk clear normal.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, you know,

the whole thing is kids should be wearing their milk.

The problem is that you can be wearing it, but it has to be unpasteurized.

Yeah, it needs the raw milk.

It's either raw milk.

Oh, fuck.

This is

dear Miss Mayfield.

This is a question.

Oh, great.

These are great.

Mama's Boy Upsets Girl.

I am 17 years old, and my boyfriend is 20.

I like him very, very much, but he has always been completely ruled by his mother.

I ask,

oh, sorry, at 20, mind you, he still has to ask if he can go out or if he can take me out.

That's really bad.

Yeah, it's not.

Just walk away.

You're basically saying, like, this is not a dude.

Yeah.

He's like, I mean,

well, he's also sleeping with his mom, so I kind of get it.

He has made many dates with me, which he has had to break because of his mother.

He is sleeping with his mother.

Sorry, I pushed back so hard.

At first, I thought it wasn't.

Yeah.

She always says she likes me, but she

does all she can can to stop me from seeing it.

Yep, she doesn't want you.

Yep.

Quite often she phones to him as soon as he gets to my house and tells him to come home and he trots home like an obedient puppy.

Yeah.

How would you handle this?

Exasperated.

I'll answer.

Move on.

Two.

Okay, move on or

start having sex.

Or answer the phone and say you're fucking him.

Yeah.

Well, start having sex with him.

Like, give him a reason to.

Yeah.

This woman's probably dead, but if she's listening, start to fuck him.

I know it's 70 years later.

I know it's a long while later.

This woman probably didn't make it, but if the two of these people ended up, start fucking them.

The mom's for sure dead.

Bang the shit up.

She would be 87 years old today.

She's 87.

The mom's probably.

If the mom's around, she's probably not doing great.

Just still bang them.

The other option.

So, have sex with them, but dress up like the mom.

And then

you can co-op that.

And obviously, this, was this before the movie Psycho came out?

Psycho came out a little later, right?

Right around there.

Yeah.

So, I mean, like, was it 50?

I think it was like 60.

I think that, I think it was close.

I think it was like later 50s.

Because, you know, now it would be like, she's listing a lot of like red flags right in there with Leona.

Yeah, she is.

You know, and I think that's, I think, I think she was probably watching that movie in a drive-thru with him.

And when it got done, she turned to him.

She's like, any thoughts?

Any thoughts?

I need to go home.

Yeah.

Dear exasperated, why don't you stop dating him and tell him exactly why?

Yeah.

excuse me.

How dare you hit with common sense in this era to be like, just explain how you feel, lady?

It sounds to me that

with no repercussions.

It sounds to me that at 20 years, he's awfully tied to the apron strings, which, in my opinion, makes him a very poor risk as a boyfriend and an even poorer one as a husband.

Maybe when he sees you simply aren't going to put up with his being such a mama's boy, he'll try to show he's a man instead of a baby boy.

It's good advice.

I do like that it's put on

because now there's a whole thing on the internet about boy moms, like these people who are like these moms are like their whole personality is that they have a son, and it's like very creepy.

Yeah.

But back then it was like security balls.

He's weird for not getting away.

Like he's clearly,

there's clearly something mentally being happening to him from his own mom for a very long time.

Therefore, he is the pussy.

Like that is how it was in 1955.

So the moms, the stuff you're talking about is like the moms are just fully obsessed with making sure that everything's perfect and there's nobody's good enough.

No, yeah, well, there's nobody's good enough, but there's like this really weird factor to it when you look into them because a lot of them are like moms who had their kids younger and especially they had like a boy.

And it's like almost like they're making like boyfriend content about him.

But it's like this really weird, odd.

I don't want to describe it too much, but maybe I'll do an episode about it on our show at some point.

There was recently after like some high school football game or something, the mom who was young and like attractive jumped into her son's arms after he like won the game.

That is, that is she, she like she did the straight.

Yeah, she straddles him, she wraps his legs around him, and you're just like, that's not yeah, that's like boy mom stuff, and that's what that's the type of shit I'm talking about where you're like, ah, something's off here.

I don't have, I don't have a, I don't have any evidence.

It's, it's, I don't have any evidence, I don't have evidence, but it's all I know.

We're all here.

This is my Shakespeare.

Yeah.

Imagine being that dude, though.

All of a sudden, you're like, you're a viral hit because your mom's got her lips wrapped around.

Yeah.

All right.

You want to cap it with one more, David?

Sure.

Shuffleboard game breaks up with one hurt and one jailed.

Whoa, Jesus Christ.

This is my kind of shuffleboard.

This is the 50s.

All right.

I need to.

I need to be full contact shuffleboard.

Yeah.

Right.

That's right.

Yeah.

Because Joseph Soborowski, 23 of Tecumseh, lost his temper while playing shuffleboard in a tavern early today.

He is in the county jail here.

And a woman patron of the tavern has 16 stitches in her head.

Oh, my God.

Well, let's hear what she did first.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Let's get all the facts out and then we'll judge her.

Right.

Sheriff's deputy said Mr.

Sobrowski became angry while playing the game, picked up one of the metal discs, hurled it across the room.

So far, he's done nothing wrong, but keep going.

He's fine.

Hurled it across the room and struck Miss Carrie Basinger of Tecumseh.

Okay, so she was in the wrong place.

Yeah, and he kind of was just.

She's in the throwing.

Yeah, I think that makes sense.

Alex, I feel like you're on board with us, too.

You don't think you're going to silence your way out of this.

Who gets that mad at shuffleboard?

You.

I could see you fucking losing your mind.

I don't get mad at games.

I'm glad that once you said it was in a tavern, I could picture the very long, like those, it's one of those 15-foot-long things.

Because every time I do shuffleboard, I picture cruise ship shuffleboard.

I do too.

That is what I picture.

Okay, maybe I don't because

we used to go all the time to this

one bar because it had to be.

You and the greasers.

Me and my

ex-high school friends.

Yeah, the greasers.

That's what you guys called yourself.

And they had a big, because we went there because they had a big shuffleboard.

Yeah.

So I always picture that.

Miss Basinger was treated at Herrick Memorial Hospital.

Albert Bagshaw, owner of the tavern, called police and deputy said, Mr.

Sobrowski will be charged with felonious assault.

First of all, he needs to go to some sort of alcohol program.

Oh, here we go.

Probably an anger man.

Party killer.

Also, we just need to make shuffleboard illegal.

Yeah.

Interesting.

It sounds like he picked it up and he just wung it.

across the room.

Was he playing against her?

No, it doesn't sound like it.

It sounds like he's just mad.

He's like, I'm tired of losing and just chucked it across the room.

But he now go to jail.

16.

A big win.

Those things are heavy.

16 is real.

He really clocked her.

Yeah, I know.

He really did.

I mean, well, a way to end the show on a positive note, Dave.

You know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know.

That's the sort of stuff we like to do.

Dave, any more quotes out of context you want in the song?

No, just because I like it.

That's good enough.

Alex, honestly, thank you so much for joining us.

Please come back to me.

Listen, I said when we started, I've been a fan for a very, very long time.

We've always really loved your show.

I've always loved the format of this show.

So I remember when you guys first started doing it, and I literally was mowing my lawn listening to one of the first ones of these.

So to be on it's been a real treat for me.

Well, come back.

You are so goddamn entertaining, and everyone should follow you.

What is your website again?

Where can people see you?

So you can just find me on YouTube or anywhere under, if you Google Pearlmania 500, I'll come up.

That's

what I'm doing.

Yeah, you're easy to find with that stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

There's Pearl Mania 500.

And then my podcast is called Too Many Tabs.

I do with my wife.

So if you guys are looking for any sort of content to fill in the times when Dave and Gareth aren't making something and you already listened to everything, come listen to us.

We'll have something fun.

Yeah.

Great pitch.

And again, only when you're done with our stuff.

Only.

Only.

Alex, thank you.

Appreciate it.

And as much as it pains me to say go birds for you.

Hey, go birds to nothing, baby.

Oh, boy, here we go.

I wore, by the way, I wore this shirt because you did an episode about Philadelphia sports fans specifically.

You did that how good they are and how amazing and how calm we are.

And what it's called is not mine,

it's passion.

It's passion.

I know.

We saw it.

We saw it recently in

Florida.

Yeah, that woman.

She grabbed the ball because it was passion.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, dude.

Thanks again, Alex.

Thank you.

Some of these days,

you'll miss me, honey.

Some of these days.

Hey, Dollop fans.

I know you love the dollop.

You love listening to the dollop.

Do you want to watch the dollop?

You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth.

Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

It really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it.

And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.

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