151 - The Past Times with Jenny Tian

Speaker 1 Malcolm Glaubal here.

Speaker 2 This season on Revisionist History, we're going back to the spring of 1988 to a town in northwest Alabama where a man committed a crime that would spiral out of control.

Speaker 1 There was this joke that said that it was easier to get forgiveness in the Church of Christ for murdering somebody than it was to be divorced.

Speaker 2 From Revisionist History, this is the Alabama Murders. Listen to Revisionist History, The Alabama Murders, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 3 All right. Shut up, welcome to the podcast.
It's called The Pastimes. You know how it is.

Speaker 3 Listen, each week we go through a newspaper from a random date in history, picked out by none other than Dave Anthony.

Speaker 3 I, Gareth Reynolds, have never seen it, and neither has this week's guest, the great Jenny Tian. Jenny, thank you for being here.

Speaker 6 Oh, thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 3 Well, we also, you're touring Australia.

Speaker 1 But live in New York now, right?

Speaker 6 I live in New York now. I just moved here.
It's been, I've been here for a month and a new mayor has just been elected. So

Speaker 3 the worst

Speaker 3 impossible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my dad. Well,

Speaker 3 we, we like you are grieving this

Speaker 1 turn that

Speaker 3 Cuomo was the solution.

Speaker 1 What a great guy. Here we are.

Speaker 6 Amazing, amazing man. Touched me up.

Speaker 3 An amazing man who recently admitted that his solve to the Me Too issues that emerged for him was to not be left alone with a woman again. And I just think, God bless him.

Speaker 3 God bless him to treat women like alcohol to an alcoholic. It's just

Speaker 3 normal leadership stuff.

Speaker 3 But where are you going to be in Australia? Where can people get your tour dates and all that stuff?

Speaker 6 So I'm doing all of the festivals next year. So basically I have shows at the Sydney Opera House, which very exciting.
The first time ever doing the Sydney Opera House.

Speaker 1 That's fucking great.

Speaker 6 I'll also do Sydney Comedy Festival, Melbourne Comedy Festival, Adelaide Fringe, Perth Comedy Festival, Brisbane Comedy Festival. So the whole shebang.
I'm doing it all.

Speaker 6 And then I will eventually add dates to the U.S. as well.

Speaker 3 Where can people go? What's the best way to go find that information?

Speaker 1 The link in my bio.

Speaker 1 There you go. Blink in my body.
Pull in that bio.

Speaker 1 You had a question.

Speaker 3 I will be hitting you with a follow.

Speaker 1 There's still time to pull out of Adelaide Fringe.

Speaker 3 I was going to say, what does it feel like in the same tour to be doing the Sydney Opera House and then going to Adelaide? What is that?

Speaker 1 That must be hard. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 I think it really tells me how my career is going at the moment.

Speaker 3 Which one are you doing first?

Speaker 6 So I'm doing Opera House first and then Adelaide Fringe.

Speaker 1 What a shame, boy.

Speaker 6 I'm doing the Opera House in like the most regal, beautiful theater I think I've ever played in my life. Yes.

Speaker 6 And then I'm going straight into a tent for two weeks just with all the carnival happening.

Speaker 1 The family around.

Speaker 3 People think when you say a tent, you mean a tent in Adelaide at the festival. What people don't know who've never been there, Adelaide is a tent.

Speaker 3 It's just one big tent and it's just a tented nightmare. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes. I saw a gigantic bat there.

Speaker 3 If you finish a show at 10,

Speaker 3 don't try to eat. Yeah.
You won't find it, it's impossible. There's no, I don't know.
Adelaide just

Speaker 1 closes early. It's an early early.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 And literally my favorite or one of my least favorite, I should say, parts about doing shows there is it's so funny. So you're in the tent, which has no sound briefing at all, by the way.

Speaker 6 There's literally, if you looked in the tent, you can see the cracks of people on rides outside having fun.

Speaker 6 And you'll be telling your jokes, and occasionally, you'll hear like, woo!

Speaker 1 Is that for me? Is that my premise?

Speaker 6 Because they're just having so much more fun outside than inside the room.

Speaker 1 What can I say? So bad.

Speaker 3 You know what you should do? You should just record your opera house set and play it on a monitor on stage just to show them what a real show is like.

Speaker 1 I've never heard a comedian

Speaker 1 come out of the Adelaide fringe and be like, that was great. I had a really good time.
That was good. Nobody could do it.

Speaker 1 It's basically.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's just like filling time in between the next festival.

Speaker 3 Well, Jenny, that's exciting. Good for you.
We love going over there to every city except for one.

Speaker 1 The bats are too big.

Speaker 1 Pardon?

Speaker 1 The bats in Adelaide are way too fucking large.

Speaker 3 No, that was...

Speaker 1 They're like eagle-sized. It's really upsetting.

Speaker 6 They're quite big, but I feel like that's an Australian thing in general. Like in Sydney as well,

Speaker 6 there's an outdoor cinema called Moonlight with bats that size. And because it's an outdoor cinema, what will happen is the bats will fly across in a huge swarm and then they'll shit all over you.

Speaker 6 And by the end of the movie, you're covered in bat shit. And you're like, what have I just paid for?

Speaker 1 That sounds bad. Yeah, it's not good.

Speaker 3 It's obviously terrible. And I think that

Speaker 3 this is what you've done is basically affirmed the stereotypes of Australia. Like, people, and I tell people, because we go there, I don't know, we go there like every couple years at this point.
And

Speaker 3 people will be like, what about the spider? And I'm like, no, it's not like that. It's okay.
And then you're just like, you go see a movie, you get guanoed.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 you get COVID and rabies when you go to Sydney.

Speaker 3 Well, Jenny, that's exciting. Thank you for joining us.
We're going to go through an old newspaper. It sounds boring.
It is boring, but we'll try to have fun with it. We'll do our best.

Speaker 1 Great introduction.

Speaker 3 You, as the guest, normally would get to guess the year of the paper.

Speaker 3 But Dave and I just did one of these and he didn't even let me guess.

Speaker 1 Okay. So

Speaker 3 it's, it's, well, I'm not going to bore you with this nightmare part part of the game, but you can guess any year from like 1641 up until today.

Speaker 1 Just go ahead and go ahead and guess. And if you get, there's no prize,

Speaker 3 but go ahead and I'm gonna guess too.

Speaker 3 Go ahead, Jenny. Any year.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna go

Speaker 6 1792.

Speaker 3 1898.

Speaker 1 You were just a little bit over, so you lose. It is 1891.
What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 price is right rules. Nope.
Yeah, I mean, that's what we set up beforehand. We said price is right rules today.
Whatever. Congratulations, Jenny.
Yes, way to be.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 3 Again, Jenny, I want, I know you're celebrating. I want to point out he caters the rules to make sure I lose every time.

Speaker 1 It's not true. Yes, it is.
It's like a weird.

Speaker 1 Now you're making stuff up. I don't.
Okay, it's October 24th, 1891. Now, I don't want to read this.
What is that?

Speaker 3 It's an alternative title for America.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, read that title.

Speaker 3 The Fat Man's Association.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 The head

Speaker 1 name of the paper. Good.

Speaker 3 The Kootenai Herald.

Speaker 1 Kootenai?

Speaker 3 Kootenai. Kootenai?

Speaker 1 K-O-O-T-E-N-A-I. Kootenai.
I would say Kootenai, but it's also America, so it could be really anything. It is American.
No, the T and the N are silent. It's Koonaha.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 3 I did spoil the first article, but it's just such a great headline.

Speaker 1 Yeah, first headline. A Fat Man's Association.
Finally. I've considered doing a dollop on Fat Men's Association.
What? This was a huge thing at this time. What? Just fat guys would get together.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is just and they were all over the country, Fat Men's Association.

Speaker 1 Wow, so like a club, like a company, yeah, just and they were just big boys, and they're like, Hey, you want to get together the other big boys? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I bet you had to be a certain way,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, real bad. Everything's a needle, but back then, fat guys were like what now is like normal.
Look, fat guys weren't fat guys, yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 3 No, they were like, Oh, he's a a whopping 210.

Speaker 1 A Texas has a Fat Man's Association.

Speaker 3 Texas is a Fat Man's Association.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Texas has a Fat Man's Association.
The initiation fee of which is a cent a pound.

Speaker 3 A cent a pound? Oh, you got paid. It's like, there was a restaurant when I was a kid.
You've probably never heard of this restaurant. I don't know if you've ever.
It was called the Ground Round.

Speaker 3 I've heard of the Ground Round. And you'd pay what you'd weigh.
So you'd get on a scale, and when you were a kid, if you were like under 10, you'd pay what you'd weigh.

Speaker 3 So you'd like, you'd get on the scale, and if you weighed like whatever, they would charge you like.

Speaker 1 50 pounds. Yeah.
You're paying 50 cents? Yes.

Speaker 1 But the parents are like two,

Speaker 1 what'd say 200 pounds.

Speaker 3 Well, you wouldn't do it for the parents.

Speaker 1 Oh, you wouldn't do it for the parents. No, it was kids only.
Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It was kids only. But so this is charging you a cent a pound.

Speaker 1 Is that the most American thing you've heard yet?

Speaker 6 I've never heard of that in my life. I'm a bit like,

Speaker 6 wouldn't you just like,

Speaker 6 here's what like we would do, like my parents would do, is like, you know, whatever age you actually are, even when you're 16, your parents would try to be like, yeah, they're under 10.

Speaker 6 Yeah, let's try to get them into the restaurant for free.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 There's that, but I've never heard of

Speaker 6 weighing for anything.

Speaker 3 They had a big scale.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's really crazy.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And it was a big scale.
And it was.

Speaker 1 And then you can eat literally whatever you wanted.

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 3 I'm pretty sure. I don't remember.
I was real little, but I just remember getting on a scale and being like, let's go.

Speaker 1 I mean, the kids would love that, right?

Speaker 3 It was awesome.

Speaker 6 Imagine if you confuse your memories, and that was actually just you at a doctor's office checking your weight.

Speaker 3 I was horribly ill.

Speaker 1 Your parents used to say that to you to make you feel better about it.

Speaker 1 All right, great.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and now you can eat whatever you want.

Speaker 3 I'm looking up how the, why don't you keep reading? I'm going to look

Speaker 1 at men who weigh less than 225 pounds are ineligible for membership. Okay.

Speaker 3 It was a it applies to kids' meals on Tuesday only. Oh.
So my parents would take me there. Oh, with the purchase of an adult entree.
So yeah, my parents would take me there.

Speaker 1 Okay, would that make sense?

Speaker 1 So not just bringing in the kid to eat and leaving. No.

Speaker 1 Which is what.

Speaker 3 And you had to be under 12.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Which is what my parents would have done.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 3 I thought it was every night because every time we went there, it must have been a Tuesday. I had no concept of what day it was.

Speaker 1 My dad would have been like, what kind of gin and tonic does he get for.

Speaker 3 Can you drink what you puke?

Speaker 1 Next headline. That's it.
That's all there's to that story. It's a good one.
Everything into cheese.

Speaker 3 I swear to God, it's like he's reading my childhood.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Garrett's from Wisconsin, which is our cheese state. Everything into

Speaker 6 is. It's a cheese steak.

Speaker 1 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1 I mean, they really like their cheese there.

Speaker 6 Like you treat it like French people, like you keep them in barrels underground, or are you talking like liquid cheese?

Speaker 1 It's pretty close to that.

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard of cheese curds?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 1 That is the correct face. That is the correct face.

Speaker 1 A cheese curd is the youngest cheese. Thank you.
And it comes from, it just comes out of the milk, right? Like it's like straight from the milk. Yeah.
But it's cheese.

Speaker 3 You know, listen,

Speaker 3 here's our pitch. Why has it got to take so freaking long?

Speaker 3 Let's go with the cheese already. So when it starts to curd, you just yank it out.

Speaker 1 You get kind of little cheesy fingers.

Speaker 1 And then they sell it in a bag and you just drive down the road.

Speaker 1 You wiping your cheese with your fingers. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And the bag's wet.

Speaker 1 And they're little guys, little

Speaker 3 Jenny. You know what?

Speaker 1 Jenny, that is the correct face.

Speaker 3 Jenny, you make that face. These are my people.

Speaker 1 They're bad people.

Speaker 6 I'm trying not to be offensive right now.

Speaker 6 Oh, that sounds absolutely delicious.

Speaker 1 USA, yeah.

Speaker 1 USA, like crazy. US, come on, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Come on, everybody.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's your way? Hey, come on, everybody.

Speaker 1 Gareth is a Green Bay Packers football fan, and they are the cheeseheads, and sometimes they wear a cheese triangle. The fans will put the cheese triangle.
i had that

Speaker 1 well i'll do you one better jenny this is no fucking joke oh here we go uh-huh there was a plane crash maybe 20 years ago and the only survivor was a guy don't worry oh okay never mind sorry go ahead and blah blah blah zoron mamdani

Speaker 3 but there was a guy the only survivor of a plane crash was the guy who put a cheese who put a cheese head in front of

Speaker 3 you i don't normally google i'm not normally the show's uh Jamie on Joe Rogan.

Speaker 1 This sounds like one of your AI stories.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, this was okay. All right, keep reading.

Speaker 1 I'll come back with my,

Speaker 1 I guess it would be a good cushion to protect you from stuff coming from above. Yeah.
But I doubt he lived because he had the cheese head on.

Speaker 6 Yeah, like, how amazing is this cheese device? Like, if it's like a helmet, okay, I could imagine that. But

Speaker 6 the cheese is notoriously soft.

Speaker 3 But it's not a real. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Here we go.
It's styrofoam.

Speaker 3 When Frank Hammett Jr.

Speaker 3 of Superior, Wisconsin realized the light airplane he was about to crash on Sunday, it was just him, but it wasn't a commercial flight, he grabbed something to protect himself, a cheese head.

Speaker 3 The 36-year-old Green Bay Packer fan isn't recommending the heavy foam wedge shaped from Wisconsin's fanatics for every emergency, but he said it saved his face and arms, if not his life.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 there you go. He shattered his right ankle.

Speaker 3 And he there, here's the quote. And then we'll get back to the regular part of the show.
I understand the quote.

Speaker 3 There were tons of cheese heads there, he said, referring to the nickname given to the Wisconsin sports fans, and he decided to wear it as a hat.

Speaker 3 Yeah, here, Dave's going to show you, Jenny, what we're dealing with here.

Speaker 3 And he wore that, and he wore that, and he survived.

Speaker 6 So there you go. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What can't it do? Yeah, those are my people.

Speaker 6 That is, I'm not going to lie. When you said like triangle, I thought you meant like a Dorito head, but that's actually like...
That's huge. That's committed.

Speaker 3 We'll get one to you, no problem.

Speaker 1 Don't even worry about it. I would love one.

Speaker 6 I'll wear wear it for my next flight.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Wear it to Adelaide.

Speaker 3 It would probably work in Australia.

Speaker 1 Everybody in Australia right now is like, what the fuck? And everybody in America is like, yeah, cheesehead. No.
No, it's fine.

Speaker 3 Anyway.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so yeah, pay what you weigh. We wear cheese.
We're fine.

Speaker 3 Fine childhood.

Speaker 1 Travelers in the land of sunny skies are authority for the statement that there is nothing in the shape of milk that the Italian peasant won't convert into cheese if he is given half a chance. Wow.
So

Speaker 1 you're like the Italians. You're the Italians of

Speaker 3 America. That's a compliment.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every known animal is subject to his tax for this purpose. And it is said that a Genoese sailor who was once cast away on a South Sea island went insane.

Speaker 1 from disappointment when after months of experimenting he discovered that the milk of the coconut had no cheese in it

Speaker 6 oh it's still talking about cheese wow

Speaker 1 i'm right at home and i will say it is tough for those of us who if you have heard of coconut milk why is there no cheese it's not milk go ahead no i agree coconut milk is not milk it's just water inside of a coconut yeah exactly um exactly sir and it's not any it's not any more nutritious or has no nutritional value over any other water but

Speaker 1 would you go insane

Speaker 3 do you hear that, Jenny?

Speaker 3 He's doing a lot of coconut shame in there. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Would you go insane if you were on a cheeseless island?

Speaker 3 No, I'm not like, I can live without cheese. I have lived without cheese.
But if I was on a desert island and I found cheese, you better believe I'd be like, this place fucking kicks ass.

Speaker 1 I don't think I would want to be on an island without cheese, if I'm being honest. Well, I agree.

Speaker 6 I don't think you can live without cheese.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you two love cheese.

Speaker 3 You two, spoiled millennials. That's what you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 6 the food of our generation. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 But it's so good. Like, think about how versatile it is.
Like, it's on pizza. You can have toasted cheese.
Like, everything is better with a little bit of a cheese.

Speaker 3 You just named the same style of cheese.

Speaker 1 You know, you can put it on a sandwich. You can just eat it.
Straight cheese with crackers.

Speaker 3 What do you,

Speaker 3 what's it called?

Speaker 3 Pasty? What the hell is it called? The chicken toasty. The toasty.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah. Oh, those are delicious.
Yeah. you love those things we we love the toasties yeah

Speaker 1 it can be in coffee as we just saw the other day

Speaker 3 uh jenny we're people in america are putting cheese in their coffee it's really upsetting wait that's that's a real thing i thought you were joking yeah no no the woman yeah and then a guy that helps us with a lot of the stuff we do on tour, he did it.

Speaker 3 And he liked it. And he really ate it.
He really liked it.

Speaker 3 Jenny, he dipped chips into the coffee cheese and he ate it like that. Like

Speaker 3 a French onion.

Speaker 1 It's just, you put it in hot coffee, so it's just like, you know, gooey. It's gooey melted cheese.

Speaker 3 It's not okay.

Speaker 1 No, it's bad. I'm not saying it's okay.
But we're trying everything.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but I'm like, you know what? If people are liking it, I got to try it before I completely shame them for their decisions. Will you try it?

Speaker 1 Will you try it?

Speaker 6 I think I would try it because, you know, there's some like, if you go to like a bubble tea shop, there's like the tea and then they have cheese foam on top, which initially I judged and I went, those people are disgusting.

Speaker 6 Why would you ever have cheese on it? And then I tried it and I went, oh, no, this is, this is really good. I take all of my words back.
So, you know, you can't wait until you try it.

Speaker 3 I would love for you to try it.

Speaker 1 The Australians are the snobbiest coffee people. I mean, it's really trendy.

Speaker 3 Dave's about to dig up.

Speaker 1 It's like Italian level snobbiness about coffee.

Speaker 6 Yep. Yep.
Like literally all my friends here are like, there's no good coffee here in America. Not a single city has good coffee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which is crazy because there are. You go to small roasters.

Speaker 3 Hey, Luke, we're on the pastimes right now. Our guest, Jenny Tien's here.
She's thinking of trying the cheese coffee on a scale of one to 10. What would you recommend? Like, do you love it?

Speaker 1 I would, in terms of trying it, I'd give it a 10. 10.

Speaker 1 Wow. There's no downside to knowing.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Do you have a recommendation on the kind of cheese?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 just not cream cheese because it doesn't melt, which apparently.

Speaker 3 Do you have a recommendation on which cheese?

Speaker 1 I would pick like a kind of a gooey cheese that's going to really melt in the thing. You want it like French onion soup consistency.
So just don't do like a super hard cheese.

Speaker 1 Don't do a different form cheese, like a cream cheese.

Speaker 3 Jenny, this is a history show.

Speaker 1 A semi-sauce cheese. Okay.
Semi-sauce.

Speaker 1 This is the start of the coffee cheese movement.

Speaker 3 All right, we got to go. We got to go, buddy.
We're out of here.

Speaker 1 All right. You don't want to get him talking too much.

Speaker 1 But I would think if you went, if you went to Sydney and were like, go into like a Sydney coffee shop where people love their coffee and order a coffee and then just take cheese out of your bag and drop it in, what do you think people would do?

Speaker 3 Well, just wear a MAGA hat.

Speaker 6 It would be odd.

Speaker 6 You know what I've noticed since being here is that like Australian cafes are such a big brand in America. Like Australian restaurants are coffee.

Speaker 6 Whereas in Australia, we have like American diners where they'll serve like black American coffee. They'll pour it out of a jar.
So, you know what?

Speaker 6 If you took out some cheese and you put it in there, I don't think anyone would bet an eye.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I could see it working over there.

Speaker 1 I really could. I took Jenny to a diner in Studio City in North Hollywood, and she couldn't believe the menu.

Speaker 1 Really? She's like,

Speaker 1 what? She goes, I don't understand. That's everything.

Speaker 1 There's so much.

Speaker 3 We are nightmares.

Speaker 3 No, we are nightmares.

Speaker 6 So much variety. And then I went to another diner that was

Speaker 6 like one of those 24-hour diners as well. And I thought that, you know, in Australia, they would have a very limited menu for that time slot.
They still had everything.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. This place is so great.

Speaker 1 The best thing about America is, and it's my favorite thing, breakfast all day. It's just, you can get breakfast.
I'll give you two.

Speaker 3 Our food culture is an absolute disaster nightmare.

Speaker 3 However, you can get it all. And also, air conditioning.

Speaker 1 We just, we love it.

Speaker 3 We did good with air conditioning.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 3 Everything else is, it's built on a world of genocide.

Speaker 1 And everything else is not going well.

Speaker 3 Denial, collapse, and just total calamity. And it's all coming for us.
We're staring down the barrel of a self-made shotgun.

Speaker 3 But I'll tell you what, you want waffles at 4 p.m., it's not going to be an issue.

Speaker 6 Yeah. I love it.
I love it. You can have eggs anyway, anytime.
It's so great.

Speaker 3 Anyway, anytime. That's right.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah. It's great.

Speaker 1 Gareth, I use something called Mint Mobile to make phone calls, to look up information online, to text friends. Do you know what that is?

Speaker 7 I don't have friends.

Speaker 1 It's a mobile service for phones. That's what that is.

Speaker 1 And if I have it, you should have it. All of our.

Speaker 7 Oh, what if I told you I also had it?

Speaker 1 And Gareth, here's the deal.

Speaker 7 I just don't have friends to text with about it.

Speaker 1 The quality is amazing. It's a great wireless service.
And Gareth, it makes your phone taste like mint.

Speaker 7 But Dave,

Speaker 7 is it on the nation's largest 5G network as well as you get to keep your phone number and your phone?

Speaker 1 Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You could be saving money with Mint Mobile because it's a little bit more.

Speaker 7 I just licked my phone.

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 1 licked my phone. How did it taste?

Speaker 7 Not like mint at all.

Speaker 1 I might be wrong about the phone. It tasted like a hand.
Maybe lick it again, just to be sure. Shoot the front.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 hand again.

Speaker 1 It's present giving time. Don't give people socks.
Don't give them a picture of your feet.

Speaker 1 Mint Mobile plans, premium wire, that's $15 a month. So shop Mint Unlimited Plans at mintmobile.com slash pastimes.
That's mintmobile.com slash pastimes.

Speaker 1 Look, Gareth, here's what I'm going to say. If you lick the phone three times, it's like Candyman.

Speaker 7 I'm not licking a...

Speaker 1 I did two big licks.

Speaker 1 But three times is when it happens because it's like Candyman. Back or front.

Speaker 7 It's like Candyman. Or underpart.

Speaker 1 And I think.

Speaker 7 You're going to have to stop with the Candyman references soon. Do you hear me?

Speaker 1 you are at three in a week look the it's a little tasty taste bad tastes like hand it all tastes like hand well i don't know maybe i was wrong so maybe the whole thing is it's just that you get great uh phone service and it's cheap i think that's what it is yeah

Speaker 7 i think it's like a mint deal that's the thing So look, this is a limited time offer.

Speaker 1 Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, plan required, $15 a month equivalent, taxes and fees extra, Initial term only.

Speaker 1 Over 35 gigabytes may slow when the network is busy. Capable device required.

Speaker 1 Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See Mintmobile.com.

Speaker 1 And that's the dot commonest.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Gareth, Rosser brought to you by Ridge.

Speaker 1 Which, of course, is

Speaker 1 a wallet situation. I also got keychains.
And Gareth, you used a Ridge wallet before we even brought Ridge wallet on board.

Speaker 7 I've been with Ridge for a long time. It just is a great way to clean.

Speaker 7 This time for having a wallet that's bulky and folds out is over.

Speaker 1 Full of stuff you never use.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's just weird. And so you don't need that anymore.
Ridge just puts your cards in there. If you want a place for your money, you got that on the outside.
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Speaker 7 And it's got the great, great keychain too. Same technology.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does have a great keychain i i really like the keychain uh and and the they're made of great materials aluminum titanium carbon flavor

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Speaker 1 my wallet all over the place oh we've got we got to get this.

Speaker 7 Make sure Luke has this.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So they got over 100,000 reviews.
We should be air tagging Luke, quite frankly. That's actually not a bad idea.
They've got over 100,000 five-star reviews, one of them by Gareth Reynolds.

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Cater your undies to who you're giving them to.

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So I think it's going to be a really weird but fun Christmas.

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Speaker 1 This is Larry Flick, owner of the floor store.

Speaker 4 You know that thing that snuck up on you last year called the holidays? Well, they're coming again. But it's okay because our pre-holiday sale is already here.

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Speaker 1 The floor store, your area flooring authority. Take that, coach.
Me and you.

Speaker 7 What's your deal? Now you're coming at him?

Speaker 1 It's going to be a little aggressive. We're the best country on earth.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I told you, Jenny, keep carrying your papers.

Speaker 1 Dakota's editor's complaint. We greatly dislike to find fault with any of the customs of our beautiful little city, says a Dakota editor.
But I wonder which Dakota city this is.

Speaker 1 But they're all small. But we must nevertheless insist that people keep their swine out from under the office of this paper.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, this Dakota. Literal swine? Yeah, we're talking about pigs.
Wow. Pigs?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 they're saying, please stop the pigs from going under our building.

Speaker 3 That's just a terrible thing.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you got to make it, you got to put it in the paper.

Speaker 3 That situation is not made better by a bunch of pigs. I agree.

Speaker 1 Well, they're the best. Yeah, pigs are.
They're the best.

Speaker 6 They're the best. Imagine taking a pig to work.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I love that.
Jenny.

Speaker 4 I just.

Speaker 1 I would love to have a little house pig.

Speaker 3 Oh, buddy. I'll move in whenever.

Speaker 1 No, that's not

Speaker 1 what I was asking. Gladly.

Speaker 1 Are you looking to be a little house pig? Yeah, I'll be him. No, it's not what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 We already have a van pig. Yeah, we should.

Speaker 3 We just called him.

Speaker 1 It's got a strange diet.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 like most pigs, he's just combining food groups.

Speaker 1 While engaged at our desk writing our leader on the stability of our territorial institutions for our paper this week, one of Senator McBride's razor-backed hogs jumped,

Speaker 1 sorry, humped up its spine and began scratching its back on the beams under the floor, jarring the whole building and making it necessary.

Speaker 3 You don't have a side. You're not a building.

Speaker 1 If a pig back scratching shakes your building, you are a shanty.

Speaker 3 You're a shack, sir.

Speaker 1 You need a building. Why is there space for pigs to go under your office?

Speaker 4 Listen, there's just

Speaker 3 nature's nature's finding a way as it should.

Speaker 6 It's like an opposite story to the three little pigs where instead of the wolf taking down a house, it's just a pig going,

Speaker 6 let's get in there.

Speaker 1 Oink.

Speaker 3 Like the wolf's like, I don't even think I need to get over there.

Speaker 1 I don't even do anything. I don't even need to do anything.
This is fine.

Speaker 1 Jarring the whole building and making it necessary for us to stop our work on the editorial, crawl under our office and welt the critter along the side with a column rule. Don't love it.

Speaker 1 This interrupted our train of thought and the editorial is not what we could wish.

Speaker 3 Excuse me.

Speaker 3 This man is saying that the animal abuse made him lose his momentum.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Sometimes a pig will make you fuck up your train of thought and just ruin your editorial you're writing.

Speaker 3 You know, here's the superhero I want. I want animal abuser abuser man or woman.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 the name is terrible.

Speaker 3 I just went. Anytime there's animal abuse, I want a superhero who beats the person who abused the animal.

Speaker 1 So, what's the name of the guy? He. It's not

Speaker 1 anti-animal abuse man.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you said that, and I went, oh, that's a bad guy. That's an evil guy.

Speaker 1 He's animal shooting. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 Sorry, I'm not pitching him right.

Speaker 6 He needs to be a superhero to take down the animals.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 You're like, this guy's a real fucking weirdo. Pay what you weigh.

Speaker 3 We need a guy who's killing the animals more.

Speaker 1 Let's get Mr. Pig Hater in here.

Speaker 3 How are you? I'm going to beat this swine.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, who is it? Just a guy in a cape with a paddle.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 This guy sucks. Is there a robbery?

Speaker 3 I'm going to hit this dog.

Speaker 1 Sir.

Speaker 3 Feels like it couldn't hurt. I need a name.
You want him named? I will name him.

Speaker 3 Revenge beater.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's not specific to animals, though. Like, it's got to be, it's got to be animal.
It's got to be an animal name.

Speaker 3 Animal revenge beater.

Speaker 1 That's just not good. Rab?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Animal Arb.

Speaker 3 Pigman.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's closer, but now I'm thinking a guy's.

Speaker 3 It's the closest we're going to get this episode.

Speaker 1 It's like an actual

Speaker 1 iPad. He has a snout.
He looks for truffles.

Speaker 1 That's all I'm envisioning now.

Speaker 3 Sounds like a fucking winner to be. Pig Lover?

Speaker 1 Nope. Yeah.
Pig Lock?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Why is he here? Don't mind me.

Speaker 3 Lightning struck me, and now I have an insatiable cure for pig sex.

Speaker 1 Christ.

Speaker 1 I can't help it.

Speaker 3 Please, what do you want me to do? He's not angry.

Speaker 1 Okay, this next story is really long.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it looks crazy.

Speaker 1 But the title is spectacular. All right.
A Victim of Cocaine.

Speaker 3 In there.

Speaker 1 Gives his experience with the fascinating drug Nursed Back to Health.

Speaker 3 Oh, this is the era where cocaine was used for

Speaker 1 health purposes.

Speaker 3 Health purposes.

Speaker 1 Let's get back there. Yeah, we had a whole, particularly the 1890s was like, that was the cocaine time.

Speaker 3 What a time.

Speaker 1 Dr. Charles Bradley's name first came into undesirable prominence in November 1885 when he was arrested, charged with being insane through excessive indulgence in morphine and cocaine.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 dude's having a good time.

Speaker 1 That's why you're like that.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 It sounds like a very similar headline to today, actually. Some things may change.

Speaker 1 Just having a party.

Speaker 1 Can a guy have a good time? Yes.

Speaker 1 He was taken before Judge Pentegrast, was declared to be insane and given a sentence of three months in the Washingtonian house. Oh, you're insane for three months.
Yeah. That's supposed to be.

Speaker 1 Just a stint. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 6 And then he's cured.

Speaker 1 Boom. The ward.

Speaker 6 Sounds like a great psychiatric ward.

Speaker 3 All right, get out of here. You're fine now.

Speaker 3 I'm still hearing the voices. Get out of here.
We need the bed.

Speaker 1 After a fortnight stay at the house of Dr. Bradley,

Speaker 1 I went to Canada, his old home, where he gave himself up entirely to the demands of the drug, the fascinations of which completely enthralled him. He was into it.

Speaker 3 It's cocaine.

Speaker 3 This is cocaine. Yeah, it's doing its job.
Sorry, everybody.

Speaker 1 This is the deal.

Speaker 6 He was enthralled? What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, what?

Speaker 1 He was telling stories? What? From a drug?

Speaker 1 Smoking cigarettes? Huh?

Speaker 1 Practice and home were gone, and he gave free reign to his vice. He returned to Chicago

Speaker 1 and was sent to the insane asylum where a complete cure was effected, and he resumed his practice, only to find himself deserted by his clients and his reputation impaired. Well, yeah, he was on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's what happens when you do tons of stuff.

Speaker 3 All right, cool. So, yeah, you're good to go.

Speaker 1 Aha. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, what do you think about it? Just starts chit-chatting to him. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You ever thought about this? Like, what about a bike, but you don't need to use your feet? It's just your hands.

Speaker 1 Do you think that would work?

Speaker 1 The physician went to the gutter and a year ago was begging for cocaine at drugstores or securing it by fictitious orders on drugists.

Speaker 3 Can you spare some cocaine?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 he's now using false prescriptions. Yeah.
So he's going through all of that.

Speaker 3 Just the idea that you could go to a pharmacy and get cocaine. Let's get it back there.

Speaker 3 It is time. I mean,

Speaker 3 if you're at the guy's like, I'd better write you actually the generic cocaine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. I can guess I can do it.
Pretty good. It's a big party, but yeah.

Speaker 6 There you go. You can't get that premium stuff.
Too pricey.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Well, the insurance company won't cover the premium stuff.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine? Shit, man. I can't get my cocaine this month.

Speaker 1 Then he disappeared.

Speaker 1 He was occasionally heard from in Canada and the East until last fall when the newspapers recorded his arrest in New York City for endeavoring to obtain a supply of cocaine by representing himself as a messenger sent from one physician to another.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 3 Hey, I'm the Coke boy. I'm the Coke boy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm in between Cokeboy. I'm the mule.

Speaker 1 I take the cocaine from one guy to another.

Speaker 3 I'll get it over to him. Don't worry.
You don't need to seal the bag. That's fine.
I'll do that on the wall.

Speaker 1 In the police report, the gaunt, emaciated, ragged man told his story of want and woe and the causes which brought them about.

Speaker 1 At that time, he was using

Speaker 1 six grains of cocaine a day. What's a grain? I wonder how many grain is.

Speaker 3 It might be a rock.

Speaker 1 I just, maybe.

Speaker 3 I don't know the measurement.

Speaker 1 A grain, yeah.

Speaker 6 It might be like a tiny little sauce. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's got to be like a pill-sized thing, right? Let's see.

Speaker 3 Keep going.

Speaker 1 He was sent to Bellevue to die.

Speaker 1 Okie dokie.

Speaker 1 Somebody check you in the hospital to die. What? Alrighty.

Speaker 3 And this is where you'll die, obviously.

Speaker 1 There he was found by the manager of the Christian home, where he was nursed back to mental and physical vigor. Dr.

Speaker 1 Bradley was reluctant to dwell on the episodes thus briefly given, but conversed freely on the other circumstances of his life.

Speaker 1 Quote, until 1885, there was nothing to dim my prospects.

Speaker 1 It was in that year that cocaine was first brought to notice through a German physician, but it was only known as a practical anesthetic in operation by a col.

Speaker 1 Occult?

Speaker 1 I can't read that.

Speaker 1 I think it says occult. No, a cult? I don't know what that word is.

Speaker 1 There was no method known for using it for other purposes. I was the first man to discover that it could be otherwise used.
No, you weren't. So

Speaker 3 a grain is 64 milligrams, which results to well under an ounce. So I don't know.

Speaker 1 Must not have been a lot.

Speaker 1 You're like a five-ounce.

Speaker 1 How much is a gram? I don't think I brought it. How much is a gram in ounces?

Speaker 1 Because we always, in America, we always

Speaker 1 sold our cocaine in the metric system, but then we do everything else by.

Speaker 3 So it's 0.001 grams.

Speaker 1 That is not a lot.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's tiny.

Speaker 6 This guy was hooked on so little.

Speaker 1 I know. It's like, if you're going to do it,

Speaker 1 who has that ability?

Speaker 3 The Coke must have been bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or really good.
Or real good.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. That'd be fun.

Speaker 1 I was the first man to discover it. In fact, to take place of ether or chloroform.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he's saying he was the first guy to find that it could be used instead of ether or chloroform. Jesus, what is it?

Speaker 3 What did they use chloroform for before what we know it for, which is just to knock out someone in an alley if you need them to not die?

Speaker 1 I think they would like sniff it and get high. Oh, that'd be pretty fun.
But you just pass out. You're just like, ah.

Speaker 1 I bet she could go out on on the street and buy it. What neighborhood are you in?

Speaker 6 I'm in Greenpoint.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. Oh, you could go out on the street and find some chlorophyll.

Speaker 3 Well, now that Mom Donnie's in, I mean, it's all over. It's just like, people don't understand.
There are going to be grocery stores that

Speaker 3 aren't expensive.

Speaker 3 It's disgusting what he's doing.

Speaker 6 It's terrible. What? Fixing the cost of living.
What not? It's quite an old people.

Speaker 3 Guomo would have grabbed women.

Speaker 3 I don't think people understood.

Speaker 1 Grainpoint's a good neighborhood. You picked right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it is a good spot.

Speaker 1 That discovery, so important to the world that most unfortunate for me, when I announced my discovery, physicians laughed and declared I was crazy.

Speaker 1 I wrote a letter to Mayor Harrison asking him to appoint a medical commission to inquire into the value of my discovery.

Speaker 1 So he wrote the mayor and he's like, hey man, I found a cocaine's pretty awesome.

Speaker 3 So the mayor's like, cool, that's great.

Speaker 1 so i want to set up like a group where i i just do it and so how long were we doing cocaine like in this way a while i mean it went on it went on for a couple days

Speaker 3 we were just like it's really helpful

Speaker 1 but i feel like and then eventually people are like we can't do this is crazy but i it just doesn't the the timing's weird because i think he's just full of like i think people were doing it before

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 I still can't get over.

Speaker 6 Oh, sorry. I said, I still can't get over the fact that he wrote a letter to the mayor.
Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 6 I mean, imagine writing to anyone now. Like, look at my discovery.
The person in the government must know about this. And he's just like,

Speaker 1 okay, Mr. Mayor, I got some fucking news, dude.

Speaker 3 Holy fucking shit, dude.

Speaker 1 There's this stuff. And literally, you just snort it.

Speaker 3 I know it sounds weird because you're probably used to injecting shit. No more, Mr.
Mayor.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking I go on like a

Speaker 1 commission.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine trying to lick an envelope with Coke mouse?

Speaker 1 I got to use water. It's crazy.

Speaker 3 I got no saliva in here.

Speaker 1 So asking the mayor to appoint a medical commission to inquire into the value of my discovery, which was then the administration of cocaine hypodermically. Hypodermically?

Speaker 3 So injecting Coke?

Speaker 1 Yeah, right? I first utilized my discovery.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to love this. I first utilized my discovery by testing it on a cat.

Speaker 6 Oh, my goodness. Wonder what the cat did afterwards.
Where, where out?

Speaker 3 I just.

Speaker 1 How do you think? Jenny, where do we land on this? How do you think your cat, Jose, would be on cocaine?

Speaker 3 Not fucking good, dude. This morning he was going bonkers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, maybe they'll even him out.

Speaker 3 I don't, yeah, that's

Speaker 1 a good pitch.

Speaker 3 Part of me thinks we should know the answer to what a cat is like on cocaine, but also the other part of me is like, I'm the guy who just pitched that we need a superhero to stop animal abuse.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Jenny, Yeah.
Thoughts? Yeah.

Speaker 6 I think, you know, when cats are, do you guys say zoomies here? My cat's got zoomies.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I reckon, I reckon that times 10. I reckon it'll just be moving so quickly around the room, it's a blur.
That's what I think. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're not going to like this part.

Speaker 1 I dissected a leg of a cat.

Speaker 6 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 What's that to do with anything? Why did he do that for the experiment?

Speaker 1 Sometimes you've got to cut a cat a bit.

Speaker 3 Jenny, I just want to point out how exactly right the question you just asked us.

Speaker 1 It's weird. It's a very much in cocaine question.
Why?

Speaker 3 What's going on? No.

Speaker 3 Well, I cut open the cat's leg. Do you know what a regular cat's leg looks like? No.

Speaker 1 So, Mayor, I wanted to show you. I've been really working hard.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're the Coke letter guy. Yeah.
The envelope wasn't sealed when you saw it.

Speaker 1 So I opened the cat up.

Speaker 1 Sorry? I opened the cat up. And

Speaker 1 just to get a look at the bones and whatever's going on. Because of the cocaine? And, you know, it's...
it's... What did it look like? What? Huh?

Speaker 1 Which thing?

Speaker 3 Is the cat alive?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's alive, but it's open now. What the leg is?

Speaker 1 The leg's still on the cat? I just need, I need a little bit more just to, you know, figure this out.

Speaker 3 You give me two more bumps. I can get that cat's leg back to normal by tomorrow.

Speaker 3 Need a couple grains.

Speaker 1 Exposing tissues and muscle and kept the animal on my desk for hours watching the circulation. That is so dissected a live cat's leg.

Speaker 3 Jeffrey Dahmer shit. Yeah.
And then he just watched the blood go through it.

Speaker 1 The cat's like, I fucking trusted you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was no pain.

Speaker 3 There was no pain. How do you know there's no pain? Trust me, the cat was into it.

Speaker 1 The drug exercising a soothing effect. Are you talking about for you or the cat?

Speaker 3 Me. The cat's dead.

Speaker 1 Next, I began experimenting on myself. Well, that I like better.

Speaker 3 So I cut my own leg open, and then I put the cat's leg inside of my leg, and very little changed.

Speaker 1 I found that the anesthetic influence of cocaine is limited. Yeah.
Turns out it hurt. Turns out it wasn't a good idea to cut my leg open.

Speaker 6 Turns out the cat was not okay that whole time, actually.

Speaker 1 I guess the cat was just super chill because it fucking hurt like shit.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 experimented on myself again and again to see just how far.

Speaker 1 This is to the mayor? I don't know if this is to the mayor.

Speaker 6 I was thinking that as well I'm like is this is he still reporting all of this to the mayor this is so much

Speaker 3 detail of I failed yeah just like so then I kept experimenting mayor's like buddy you are a cokehead

Speaker 1 to see just how far this limited this this limit extended and learned just where and when and how to give injections.

Speaker 3 I'm like a man of fucking science. So

Speaker 1 physicians then believed that the effect of the drug were similar to those of morphine. To disprove this, I tried actual cautery by applying it to my body red-hot irons.
What? Oh my gosh.

Speaker 6 So he's...

Speaker 1 He's burning himself. Sure.

Speaker 1 But I felt no pain. He's doing cocaine and burning himself.

Speaker 1 Hey, buddy, so we're going to cut you off. You know what I mean? Why? It seems like the experiments are getting really weird.
He's getting warmed up.

Speaker 3 I'm going gonna take my eye out watch me do this line and fall in fire

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 for three

Speaker 1 wait oh no i felt no pain and there was not the slightest sensation as the flesh withered under the heated irons for three months dear mayor

Speaker 1 for three months

Speaker 1 Every day for a half an hour, I experimented with the drug and often passed several hours of the night in its study before a mirror, watching its effects on myself. Wow.

Speaker 1 So he's doing blow and staring at himself in a mirror. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 1 This is how you do it. This is how you do drugs.

Speaker 3 Now we know to do cocaine off the mirror.

Speaker 1 But I never realized that it was obtaining a mastery over me. It's fascinating.

Speaker 1 Well, that happened a long time ago, my friend. It was weird.

Speaker 3 All of a sudden, I started to think, maybe I'm doing a little too much.

Speaker 1 Its fascinating powers were unknown to the profession. I was thunderstruck when I found that the drug was absolutely necessary to my mind and body.

Speaker 1 I believe I could have conquered the habit then were it not for a misunderstanding with the man from whom I rented my home. Wait, what? He's saying he's now addicted.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he could have overcome the addiction, but there was a misunderstanding.

Speaker 3 Some guy was like, hey, I saw you cut open a cat's leg.

Speaker 1 We need to get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 6 He's like, no, it's not what it looks like. It was very hard.

Speaker 1 I was writing to the mayor.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, this is all an experiment. The mayor has asked me to do this.
I did not.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Let's all just settle down. We're all getting somewhere medically.
The cat's dead.

Speaker 1 Look, it's all, by the way,

Speaker 1 if I could just get like a couple more, couple more weeks on the the rent, like I, you know, I'm not, I don't have it yet.

Speaker 3 I didn't realize that you didn't want me looking in the mirror naked, coked up after I cut open a cat's leg on. Yeah, it's like, you tell me, I'm listening.

Speaker 1 That should be in the lease. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I didn't know. This is all new to us.

Speaker 1 He wanted his house,

Speaker 1 and when I refused to vacate it, my weakness. was made a point by which I was dragged into an insane court.

Speaker 1 He's a crazy, he's a full-on addict. And the guy's like, you got to move out, man.

Speaker 7 You're not paying rent.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 Can I pay you in cat legs?

Speaker 3 How about no? I'm going to stay here.

Speaker 1 Persecution and publicity drove me to desperate extremes. At the Washington home, no one knew how to treat my disease.
Everybody knows the rest, how I went to the gutter and lost everything.

Speaker 1 With all your experience with cocaine, how do you now regard it? Asked the reporter. It was fucking awesome.
Awesome. It was so cute.

Speaker 1 It was the best thing ever.

Speaker 3 Worst thing I did was write a letter to the fucking mayor. Made me feel real weird.
And if I just closed those blinds, I'd still have that apartment.

Speaker 1 I think it is a grand drug with remarkable properties and destined to take the place of ether and chloroform. It can be used without danger of death.
It produces no nausea or prostration.

Speaker 1 It is a great

Speaker 1 specific for nervous diseases, for certain diseases of the spine, for paralysis, for tetanitis, for hydrophobia, and other convulsions.

Speaker 3 How dare you say cocaine cures

Speaker 1 paralysis? It's insane.

Speaker 3 I've seen paralyzed men jog after a bump.

Speaker 1 It will unite with other anti-spasmodics and intensify their action. I think I know more about cocaine than most men, but I have no comprehensive ideas of its possibilities.
Scientists are the only,

Speaker 1 only in the experimental stage with it.

Speaker 6 He's like, and I am a scientist.

Speaker 1 And I did the experiments. I did everything.

Speaker 1 I tried every single experiment.

Speaker 3 In a lab with a bunch of equipment, just like doing it off his hand.

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 We love it. Men in STEM.

Speaker 6 Fantastic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Men in STEM.

Speaker 3 Well, that was good.

Speaker 3 That was worth the. You're right.
It was long, but that's how you do it.

Speaker 1 A foot race for a bride.

Speaker 3 Oh, I think that means she's not into it.

Speaker 1 This is how it works here. You challenge a guy to a race, and if you win, you get to marry the lady.

Speaker 3 That would not surprise me if that's how it worked. Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right, if you want a hand, beat her in a race.

Speaker 1 A novel foot race took place at Chattanooga, the prize being nothing less than the hand of a mountain maid, Polly Andrews.

Speaker 1 What do you think about mountain maids?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 mountain maid thinks that

Speaker 3 let's see what pornhub thinks of a mountain maid.

Speaker 1 I wonder if you type mountain maid into pornhub.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to find out.

Speaker 1 The last time I went on pornhub.

Speaker 6 I was like this episode.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the last time I went on pornhub, I was like, I'm going to have a seizure.

Speaker 1 There she is.

Speaker 3 What is happening?

Speaker 1 Just like, buddy. Gotten pretty weird.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's like,

Speaker 3 like, tease me a little bit.

Speaker 1 Christ.

Speaker 3 It's just like, I don't need the whole menu.

Speaker 1 I want to earn it. Yeah, I hear you.
Tom Mitchell.

Speaker 3 When I was a boy, men left magazines in forests.

Speaker 1 They did.

Speaker 1 Tom Mitchell and John Van Liet sued for her favor, and she was unable to decide between them.

Speaker 1 They, being in earnest, proposed a duel, to which the girl demurred, realizing that if one were killed and the other a fugitive, she would lose both. As the crucial test.

Speaker 3 Do you understand why men should not be in charge of society? Like,

Speaker 3 simply listen to what was pitched, and then she was like, or you could race each other.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I guess that's pretty good, too.

Speaker 3 We're planning on killing each other. Well, then one of you would go to jail.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 3 Just jog for me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 As the crucial test, she decided upon a foot race from the Tennessee River to Fairmont on the summit of Walden's Ridge, a matter of 10 miles. Well, that's fucking

Speaker 1 much of it a steep climb. Well, this is actually a nightmare.
I like this. You do? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 3 this is.

Speaker 3 You got an issue with mountain-made logic, my guy.

Speaker 1 Jenny, how would you pick your spouse? Would this be the way?

Speaker 6 You know what? I reckon it's still better than Hinge right now, You know?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 6 You know the song I Will Walk 100 Miles? You know, this is not 100. It's 10, which is pretty close.
It's a lot.

Speaker 3 I have even worse news for you, Jenny. It is 500 miles.
The proclaimers are talking about.

Speaker 6 Oh, you're so right. See, okay, so 500.
There we go. So that's a pretty far distance.
Them doing 10 miles. At least they're doing something, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 6 I think think with today's, you know, you know, hinge and apps and whatever, where you do like such minimal effort, I would prefer someone climbing some kind of mountain and me being like the maid at the very top.

Speaker 6 That feels more romantic to me than swiping.

Speaker 3 I'm for it. How great would it be if you got to the top of the mountain and it's just like a nerdy teenager? It's like, I made up that I was a mountain maid.

Speaker 1 A mountain maid.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 Sorry, I was just fucking around. I lied, and then I started to develop weird feelings for you.

Speaker 1 Do I need cocaine with my cat? Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 The other guy's behind. Oh, Mitch, you got her first.
What?

Speaker 1 She's not even real, dude. I'm Terry.
What?

Speaker 3 How are you?

Speaker 6 Imagine if the mountain maid just didn't like that person and then they just pushed every guy that they didn't like off that mountain. Perfect.

Speaker 1 She just

Speaker 1 go buy her.

Speaker 1 It's been 10 miles.

Speaker 1 The men started at 2 p.m. and at 5.10, Van Lit reached the goal, a country post office.
His rival came in a bad second, 15 minutes later.

Speaker 1 The beaten man accepted the situation, and Miss Polly accepted the winner.

Speaker 1 Wow. Okay.
It's crazy.

Speaker 1 It's crazy to be that torn.

Speaker 3 Like to have no opinion to the point where you're like, whoever gets to the top of the mountain first.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 3 It's like the pay what you weigh of marriages.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you like both guys, and maybe you're just like, well, the one that would get here first will be in better shape. I don't know.
Yeah. Yeah.
Maybe. Let it go.
Maybe. You know, maybe.

Speaker 6 People are obsessed with marathons now. You know, they want to win them.
We think highly of them for some reason. So maybe that's the old marathon back in the day.

Speaker 1 Might be. Yeah, it could be.
I feel like we should go on hinge and

Speaker 1 I think we should go on hinge and make fake profiles that say like, if you run 10 miles up this mountain, I will. I will.

Speaker 3 I got bad news for you, man.

Speaker 1 Most every guy's going to be like, well, fuck that.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 They're already like assholes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No,

Speaker 3 if someone gets to the top of the mountain, they're like, I'm invested in this. Whereas, like, if they show up now, they're like, uh, yeah, all right.
It probably should get going.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 They're like, yeah, so we're splitting the bill on this one, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 You had a little bit more, so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 So we got to do it evenly.

Speaker 1 You had some dessert. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, like, if we're being fair, like, equality is so important to me. That's why I won't hold the door open for a woman and insist on splitting every tab.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 She's a red person. She could do it as well.

Speaker 3 Yeah. She's like, got it.
I love that about women now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hair grew after death. Oh, fucking.

Speaker 3 It does.

Speaker 1 By and by. Mine does.
What? It's still growing. Hair braids 10 feet long found in a coffin 20 years buried.
10 feet.

Speaker 1 A prominent citizen of Warren Summit, New Hampshire, recently caused the body of his mother mother to be disinterred for the purpose of burying it in another spot

Speaker 1 when it was found that the coffin was completely enwrapped with the strains of the lady's hair. Wow.
So she likes. That is really awful.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 That is horrifying. That is awful.

Speaker 3 That is horrifying.

Speaker 1 That's scary.

Speaker 1 You're like zooming.

Speaker 6 You're going to get to a corpse.

Speaker 1 Because you get to also cut the hair off

Speaker 6 to make sure it's good for the next grave.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're doing the spray at the end.

Speaker 1 You hand the mirror.

Speaker 3 You want to make sure you like the back?

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 3 That is crazy.

Speaker 1 The grave being filled with the silky masses, which had to be cut through before the coffin could be removed.

Speaker 3 That's fucking nuts.

Speaker 1 Upon opening the coffin, the remains, with the exception of the head, were found to have perished. But the skull was...
A s hairy skull but the skull was wonderfully preserved

Speaker 3 what a fucking weirdo

Speaker 1 uh and even the skin intact and from

Speaker 1 20 years yeah sure if you if you take care i'm alive of all people you should know your skin will hang around i'll still be doing skincare in the grave

Speaker 1 and and from this had grown a quantity of hair such as no living person could carry wow the lady had been dear been been dead nearly 20 years.

Speaker 1 And at the time of her decease, her magnificent suit of hair had been clipped short. So there's no doubt of all that was found in the coffin having grown after death.

Speaker 1 Her son says, however, that his mother's hair was a beautiful, bright golden hue, whereas the post-mortem growth is of a pale, colorless tinge. Why did they dingy and coarse?

Speaker 3 Why are we digging her up?

Speaker 1 Though retaining a sort of vitality.

Speaker 3 Why are we digging her up?

Speaker 6 That's a great question.

Speaker 3 I've gotten it. Like, if you reached me for comment about my mother's, I would be like, hey, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 I think at 20 years, you dig them up just to see what's going on.

Speaker 3 By the way, if that's our blanket policy, I'm actually okay with it.

Speaker 3 Every 20 years, you get ducked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. I can't go to the game anymore.
It's my mom's 20. We're doing the

Speaker 1 dig her up. Check her out.

Speaker 3 Exhuming human.

Speaker 1 Wow, look at those toenails.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, the Embalma did a great job on this one.

Speaker 1 oh yeah it's got really juiced her good

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 it had forced its way through the seams of the coffin and twined about it like the tendrils of a vine and was so thick as to hide it completely well it filled the coffin entirely that is so fucking crazy it's horrifying you just take you open the coffin and it's just hair a big mass of hair wow Mm growing.

Speaker 1 It's scary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a good thing.

Speaker 6 Fingernails also grow when you're

Speaker 1 dead as well.

Speaker 6 That's scary, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's horrible.

Speaker 1 It was calculated.

Speaker 3 Like, you just open it. You're like, oh my gosh, just nails and hair.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's so gross.

Speaker 1 It was calculated that there was nearly 75 pounds.

Speaker 3 No, shut up.

Speaker 1 Have you not weighed hair? Do you not weigh hair?

Speaker 1 That's how I know if I need a haircut. I'm like, well, it's seven pounds now.

Speaker 3 So what are we doing? Can you just take two pounds off the back?

Speaker 1 Like a deli counter.

Speaker 3 Just cut it thin and two pounds would be great. It's a little over.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 The strands are nearly 10 feet in length. The lady on whose head this grew died at the age of 27 and after an illness of only a few hours.

Speaker 1 Consequently, retaining her robust and full inhabited figure, which may possibly count some extraordinary growth. She was a buck lady.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is this guy saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was really put together. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Her hair kept growing and her body was smoking hot

Speaker 1 when we opened it. Guys, we got in there and the body was banging.
She's a freaking tan, dude.

Speaker 1 Scarlett.

Speaker 1 She's a bonny 10. Here we go.

Speaker 3 Dude, I swear to God, if it blinked, I'd have hit it.

Speaker 1 We got in there to look at the ass, and yes.

Speaker 3 So the reason why we exhumed it was because we thought your mom was still going to be on a smoke show, and she's still fucking hot as shit, dude.

Speaker 1 Hairy as hell though she grew a beard uh when it was removed from about the coffin the ladder fell apart showing that it held it held together by the hair

Speaker 1 oh the body i think

Speaker 1 i think the body fell apart the body

Speaker 1 i i don't it's not i don't think this should be in a paper it's not as hot it's horrible

Speaker 1 so we gave your mom a haircut and she just kind of you know that was it so we uh shaved your mom's head and she shattered

Speaker 1 Fuck. Well, that one was upsetting.

Speaker 3 So that's really, that'll stick with me.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to lie to you. It's a creep show.
That'll stick with me.

Speaker 6 So visual. The whole thing is so visual.

Speaker 6 Oh, the wonderful skull, the voluptuous body, the 72 pounds. It's so descriptive.

Speaker 1 It's a horror movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 We should be burned.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 The thumb ring.

Speaker 1 It has taken a long while for the thumb ring to make any headway in New York, but it is very slowly gaining ground.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine reading this paper and being ready to move on to the thumb ring article after what you just read about hair jungling over a woman?

Speaker 1 Yeah, now it's time to talk about the thumb ring.

Speaker 3 All right, anyway, people are wearing rings on their thumbs.

Speaker 1 Like, wait, why did you dig up the woman?

Speaker 3 Anyway, shut up.

Speaker 1 People are putting rings on their thumbs. How crazy is that?

Speaker 6 Today you have linked these.

Speaker 3 All right, let's shift the gears. The men are piercing their ears.

Speaker 1 Mr. Dixie was the first man to wear a ring upon his thumb, and he has clung to it tenaciously for two years.

Speaker 1 This is when there was so little happening. They were just like, did you hear about me? Did you hear about that?

Speaker 3 Oh, and he walked into a bar.

Speaker 1 Like, what? Dixie, what's happening with you?

Speaker 3 Well, you can have a whiskey if you take that fucking ring off your thumb.

Speaker 3 Are you out of your mind?

Speaker 6 He's like, no, the thumb, it stays here.

Speaker 1 It's the one thing I have.

Speaker 3 You're disgusting.

Speaker 1 Look at what I can do on the bar. Huh? Tippity tap-tap.
That's with my thumb. This guy.

Speaker 3 I like what he's doing. Shut up.

Speaker 1 It is a plain gold band worn just below the joint, and it was placed there at first merely as a lark. This is a joke.

Speaker 3 Everyone, I'm playing a bit of a prank on you. I don't know if you've noticed, but I put a ring on my thumb.

Speaker 6 Oh, so silly. Oh, my gosh.
Stop it. Oh, my goodness.
I can't stop laughing.

Speaker 3 But that night I went home, and I never felt more like myself.

Speaker 6 This is the real me.

Speaker 3 The laugh was that I had not been putting a ring on my thumb for all those years prior.

Speaker 1 It excited so much talk among the people who knew the burlesque actor that he has refused.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 If I'm a male burlesque actor, I just stand up there and gawk at their ankles.

Speaker 1 That he has refused to take the ring off and has worn it ever since. Actors always have a certain following among young men whose brains are not of dangerous weight.

Speaker 1 We got to bring that back. That is

Speaker 3 the greatest way to describe an idiot.

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan.

Speaker 1 His brain is not of dangerous weight.

Speaker 3 I came up with the best one, too, combo question for Trump. If you could ever interview him, this is what I would do.
The first one is I would say,

Speaker 3 how much higher is your IQ than Biden's? And I'd let him cook for five minutes on how his IQ is better. And then my follow-up would be, what does IQ stand for?

Speaker 1 That would be, that would be pretty good.

Speaker 3 That would be like, it doesn't hurt.

Speaker 3 It doesn't stand for anything.

Speaker 1 The small things have, oh,

Speaker 1 whose brains are not of dangerous weight and who are capable of devoting their energies to small things. Sure.

Speaker 1 The small things have taken the form of a thumb ring, and there is a very considerable portion of rather young men about town who are following Mr. Dixie's example.

Speaker 1 So it's a fad, but they're mad at it.

Speaker 3 I cannot imagine reading a thing about a woman enveloped in hair in a coffin and feeling okay to discuss thumb fashion.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Last one. All right.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Ladies riding man fashion.

Speaker 1 An attempt made to induce the ladies to abandon the side saddle. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 They want them to stop writing side saddle.

Speaker 3 Now, side saddle, just legs on one side. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't have the legs.

Speaker 6 I know about this.

Speaker 6 Have you guys seen Princess Diaries 2?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 Jenny, Jenny, it's a great shame that on behalf of the show we've not

Speaker 1 a great question for us, but no.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what, if the greatest thing that would have ever happened is if Dave was like, Yeah, for sure,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah, that whole plot.

Speaker 3 How does it relate to the Princess Diaries 2?

Speaker 6 And there's a scene in Princess Diaries 2 where, because she's a royal, she's meant to ride side-saddle, but she can't because it's really, it feels really unnatural.

Speaker 6 So, what they do is they got her like a fake leg to make it look like she was riding side saddle. But then in the scene, someone like somehow the leg drops off, and then everyone's like,

Speaker 1 What's happening?

Speaker 6 So, that's how I know about side saddle.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. That's great.

Speaker 3 I cannot.

Speaker 3 So, what is the logic there? That it's unwomanly to literally just don't have your legs spread.

Speaker 3 You know, what's so fucking amazing is the what's so weird about dudes is the unbridled perversion, perversion and yet

Speaker 3 like you would be like, yeah, okay. So like if you're a man in this area, you'd be like, yeah, open your legs.

Speaker 3 But instead, they're just like decorum overdoes it where they're like, no, you're just sinning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you have your, if you're not riding side saddle, you're ruined. Fucking

Speaker 3 not to me, boys.

Speaker 1 Efforts have been made to introduce among ladies the fashion of riding astride their horses instead of using the less safe side saddle. Oh, because they're getting hurt all the time.

Speaker 1 Because they're riding it like a crazy pace.

Speaker 3 A risk we're willing to take is men.

Speaker 1 Some have to die.

Speaker 3 Obviously, the numbers of death are too high, but what is the alternative? Them having their legs open?

Speaker 1 I don't think so.

Speaker 3 Yes, of course. It's just not okay.

Speaker 1 The subject was discussed a year ago in many of the papers, but as the ladies did not encourage it, the idea was dropped.

Speaker 3 Yeah, again, it is the fault of the women for not

Speaker 1 clearly their fault

Speaker 3 in the 1890s for not screaming their wants.

Speaker 1 But it bobs up now and then, and it is possible it will finally be adopted.

Speaker 1 The position is not an unnatural one. The women of half-civilized tribes in

Speaker 1 the Indians, the Cargis, the Tartars, etc., always ride astride. So do the Mexicans, Albanians, Romanians, and the people of some Austrian provinces.

Speaker 3 Stephen Miller's diary got opened.

Speaker 1 It was a general custom in Germany as late as the end of the 12th century. 12th century.
I mean, yeah, everyone's like looking at it going, what are you doing?

Speaker 3 Trust us.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait.

Speaker 3 This is the only way. Hi, I'm the guy who opened a cat's leg, and let me tell you why women can't have their legs open.

Speaker 1 But also,

Speaker 1 to do that, they would have to wear pants, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but surely.

Speaker 1 There's no pants wearing at this time. Oh, that's what it is.

Speaker 6 That's what it is. I think you could still do it, according to Princess Diaries, when I watched this.

Speaker 1 Yes. The documentary.
It's history.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. As we know it, you can still do it with like

Speaker 6 a skirt, like a really long skirt. You can still do it that way as well.
And then because the skirt's so long, it covers everything.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 And the fake leg. That's how you get the best.

Speaker 1 And the fake leg.

Speaker 3 The length of the dress to me would be very important into pulling the fake leg off.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And not pulling it off.

Speaker 3 Fooling people with it. Because the last thing we want is that leg pulled off.
That's right. Because everyone's aghast and the cat's out of the bag.

Speaker 3 Speaking of the cat being out of the bag, let's cut its leg open and do a line.

Speaker 1 There is no doubt that such a mode of riding is both safer and more graceful. The costume, of course, complies with

Speaker 1 propriety, and models have already been given.

Speaker 1 The illustration shows the costume proposed.

Speaker 3 So it's just basically a terrible drawing of a woman on a horse with her legs.

Speaker 1 And she's got a hat, top hat-looking thing on. And yeah, she's just...
Yeah. Oh, so it looks like almost like a skirt that is slit in the front so that they can put their legs astride.
Right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We are very weird people. Yep.

Speaker 1 The body is made, I think it's body, the body is made in the usual jacket shape and the loose skirt divided up the back and front, but so provided with buttons as to be closed at will.

Speaker 1 This is so fucking crazy. Yeah.
Even during a sharp gallop, it covers the drapes.

Speaker 1 It covers and drapes the rider's limbs and by the most awkward mounting and dismounting is equally decent.

Speaker 1 Can't see the goods. It's just crazy.

Speaker 3 I don't know what

Speaker 1 America is just so goddamn stupid. Beneath its fold come tight-fitting black tricots?

Speaker 1 Tricots? No idea. Or, if preferred, wide cloth or velvet trousers.
The reform is in the hands of earnest women who are pushing it vigorously. It is not likely that it will again be dropped.

Speaker 3 So the women are trying, and the men are like, but it'll probably not do shit.

Speaker 3 What do they know?

Speaker 1 What do they know about how they feel?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dudes. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dudes are chill. Dudes are cool.

Speaker 3 Well, welcome to America, Jenny.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the party. Wow.

Speaker 6 What a beautiful introduction to the history of this place. Wow.

Speaker 3 I really gave you a good crash course and

Speaker 3 what you're going through. It's going to be awesome.

Speaker 1 Australia is no less fucked up.

Speaker 1 I disagree. The history of Australia is pretty wet.

Speaker 3 It's not good history, but right now you'd rather be in Australia. Going the emergency hatch is a good thing.

Speaker 1 Although she just moved to America, so she disagrees. She's here to conquer America.

Speaker 3 Well, you can conquer America and not drink the Kool-Aid. That's the key.

Speaker 6 Let's see how possible that is. Yeah.
Or in two years' time, I'll be like, bye, guys, actually. I'm back in Australia now.
It was so much better.

Speaker 1 We'll be there with you.

Speaker 3 Riding our legs on the side of a horse.

Speaker 1 Well, Jenny,

Speaker 3 we're all excited for you to go to Australia to tour and to tour here.

Speaker 3 And we will, when we put this episode out, we'll link to all your stuff and people can follow you and find you and enjoy the ride with their legs open on the saddle.

Speaker 1 If they want. And cocaine.
And cocaine.

Speaker 6 That's the way. That's the way.

Speaker 3 Thank you for joining us. We appreciate it.

Speaker 6 Thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We'll do it again.

Speaker 8 Hey, Dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

Speaker 8 By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 8 So, if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

Speaker 8 It really really genuinely kicks ass and we're very proud of it.

Speaker 8 And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

Speaker 8 We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.

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