713 - HenryHudson - part two

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Speaker 3 So now back to Henry Hudson. Also, we're going on Tour of March.
DollarPodcast.com. Part 2,

Speaker 3 September 3rd, 1609.

Speaker 3 That was the day that Henry Hudson and his crew sailed

Speaker 3 into New York Harbor and headed up what is now called the Hudson River.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 Native American legend

Speaker 3 says that gnomes

Speaker 3 live in

Speaker 3 the Caskill Mountains. Yes.

Speaker 3 And one tale says at night,

Speaker 3 at night when the ship was anchored

Speaker 3 at the base of the mountains there, at about midnight,

Speaker 3 Henry and his crew started to hear strange music.

Speaker 3 Mm-hmm. Nome jams.

Speaker 3 So Henry put together a party of men to go shore and investigate the music, as you do when you hear a band. Well, without quite, this is...

Speaker 3 As long as it's not a jam band, if it's a jam band, if it's some oysterhead shit, then you don't go. Oysterhead shit? Oysterhead.
Oysterhead.

Speaker 3 That is... A jam band.
Is that a term? That is when the police broke up,

Speaker 3 the drummer. Oh, the police, the band.
Jesus Christ, it's got confusing. The police absolutely did not break up.

Speaker 3 That must have been really confusing back in the day if, like, the police showed up to do a gig. Very hard.
The police are here. Ron.
No, the band that we like. No, it's good.

Speaker 3 Oh, they're playing too loud. The police are here.
Yeah, they're on stage. No, like the cops.
Oh.

Speaker 3 So the drummer, everyone, because everyone was like, oh, what are they going to do? Like, they'll do their solo projects. It'll be cool.

Speaker 3 Like, you know, and then he joined a jam band and everyone was very sad, right? Because that's like losing someone, that's like a death in the family.

Speaker 3 I mean, a jam band, they, if I'm president, they will be illegal. I think you're going to find that Trump will get there.

Speaker 3 I think that I think there should be re-education camps, and I think it should be for people in jam bands. Uh, no songs will be over five minutes.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 so he sends a party to investigate, and they follow the music up the mountains where, quote, to their astonishment,

Speaker 3 a group of pygmies with bushy beards and eyes like pigs were dancing and singing and capering about in the firelight.

Speaker 3 Hudson realized these creatures were the metal-working gnomes of which the natives have spoken. All right.
So what this is.

Speaker 3 You talk to me now because this is not.

Speaker 3 This show is normally grounded in reality. What's happening? This is not this is not Henry's tale.
This is the Native American legend of

Speaker 3 what happened there. Okay, because as we know the Native Americans believe that there are gnomes and then them there are hills.
Hardy gnomes. And

Speaker 3 you can't have you can't have like

Speaker 3 Native Americans talking about night gnomes and at the same time Tolkien writing about mountain gnomes. They're real.

Speaker 3 Pardon?

Speaker 3 This is a we on our patreon tuesday night this is a sign that they these these were real you believe that the two party yeah i'm just saying they probably were real by the way if they were real we would have just eaten all of them well if you're if you're delicious gnome meat if you're a if you're a tribe and you're unfortunately really short you're probably going to lose

Speaker 3 yeah in some battles yeah not be around long all right let's go

Speaker 3 uh we're still going on with the tale. One of the bushy-bearded chaps spotted the explorer and his men and welcomed them with a cheer.
All right, boys, saddle up. Would you like some of our small ale?

Speaker 3 The short men surrounded the crew and drew them into the firelight and the dance. Here we are.
One, two, three. Now, yay.

Speaker 3 We represent

Speaker 3 Hudson and his men were delighted by these strange small

Speaker 3 and with the hard liquor these gnomes had brewed. Okay, this is

Speaker 3 right. Yeah.
Booze. These gnomes made, these gnomes made some fucking 151.
Yeah, so this is a this is a party. Some moonshine.

Speaker 3 They may have come across a tribe in the Catskills, and then they got shit-faced. But this is how you know it's fake because they would have 100% killed them all and like, or taken a couple captive.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Long into the night, the men drank and played nine-pin.

Speaker 3 Sure. Bowling.
Which we've covered. Bowling.
Bowling. Which the

Speaker 3 Dutch had. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 With the gnomes, while Henry Hudson sipped at a single glass of spirits and spoke with the chief of the gnomes about many deep and mysterious things. You know, we've seen many moons over here.

Speaker 3 This has not been easy for us at all. Thank you for coming to our village.

Speaker 3 So what would you say is your number one lesson? It's really difficult to be this small.

Speaker 3 And that's been quite hard for us, to be honest with you. That's right.
No, it's pretty hard. We're tiny.
We're very little.

Speaker 3 And how far can we go here? I think we're already dangerously over the large.

Speaker 3 But they're gnomes. They're gnomes, I know.
They're gnomes. But people still get upset.
Well, the piggy party is the piggy part.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but

Speaker 3 they're not real people. They're mythical people.
Right.

Speaker 3 look,

Speaker 3 we've been very clear. We're trying to be allies as often as possible, but every now and then in the chess match of

Speaker 3 being respectful versus comedy.

Speaker 3 Comedy takes the queen sometimes. A little bit.

Speaker 3 Realizing how late it was, Hudson looked around for his men.

Speaker 3 At first, he couldn't locate them. All he saw were large groups of gnomes laughing and joking while they sprawled around the fire oh shit

Speaker 3 so we've killed your man then

Speaker 3 to his astonishment he recognized several of the gnomes as his crewmen

Speaker 3 oh my god it spreads

Speaker 3 it's infectious it's going kind of

Speaker 3 it's infectious gnome virus you've got gnome fumes wouldn't that be amazing though if this was a thing that could happen?

Speaker 3 You could turn into a gnome. You better believe I would be like...

Speaker 3 Wait, you'd want to be a gnome? I think I would. Really? I'm thinking about it, and yes.
I'm absolutely not wanting to be a gnome. Of course, you're not.

Speaker 3 Well, they would 100% turn the gnomes into slaves. Buddy,

Speaker 3 I can go into a tree and be like,

Speaker 3 You'd be like, where's he gone? Garden gnomes don't climb trees. No, in the tree.

Speaker 3 I have got a little home in there where we make cookies.

Speaker 3 Hello. Why wouldn't they just cut down the tree and pull you out? Oh, no.
I didn't think about that.

Speaker 3 It's not like you can go on the tree and disappear.

Speaker 3 Hey, knock it off.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Did you know that one of them shot their puppy in the back of the head?

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ. Yeah.
Well, the gnomes have gone really bad.

Speaker 3 The gnomes have had a bad couple years.

Speaker 3 So the crewmen have. Did you see what you fuck it? I'm going to say about it.

Speaker 3 So the crewmen have undergone a transformation.

Speaker 3 Their heads had swollen to twice their normal size, and their eyes were small and pig-like, and their bodies had shortened until they were only a little taller than the gnomes themselves.

Speaker 3 So their heads are bigger. Yeah.
And their bodies are smaller. Yeah.
So they just kind of they've got balloon heads. So Hudson is a little bit more.
That'd be great if they didn't notice. Hey, boss.

Speaker 3 Dang, what? These spirits are pretty good.

Speaker 3 Hudson is alarmed and asks the chief of the gnomes for an explanation. Um, we're killing you.

Speaker 3 What's going on here?

Speaker 3 Well, we've made a lot of you quite tiny, and you've got big heads because we want to dominate you.

Speaker 3 It was, the chief told Hudson, the effect of the magical hard liquor the gnomes brewed.

Speaker 3 We call it fireballs.

Speaker 3 It is, it gets you shit-faced to the point where you transform.

Speaker 3 Am I the only one who feels like we drank so much last night that our bodies are small and our heads have doubled? Yeah, this is good shit. Yeah.
I'm just like sitting at the bar. I am so.

Speaker 3 Let me have one more. No, I can't serve you anymore, man.
Why not? Yeah, your head's too big and your body's drained. Oh, come on.

Speaker 3 It would wear off when the liquor did. Oh, that's the thing.
You're telling me you wouldn't drink this? I might drink it. I would be like, hey, what do you guys say we get tiny tonight?

Speaker 3 I would 100% go out. To be able to tell how drunk your friend is by how small he is.
If I got gnomed when I drank at night, pulling over? Oh, absolutely. You've been drinking any gnome juice?

Speaker 3 No, officer. I mean, I have two, but I'm fighting to drive.
Get out of the car, sir. That's going to be hard.
My head's so heavy.

Speaker 3 Hey, buddy, did you have that beard and that little pony hat before you went out?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I'm a gnome.
Always have been. You're always a gnome.
Oh, yeah. Let me see your driver's license so I can check it.
Fuck. This says human.

Speaker 3 Um, well, I used to be a human, and then I joined gnomes, and but I've only had a little bit. Have you been out gnoming tonight? No, I'm just on my way gnome.

Speaker 3 All right, uh, I would say walk that line, but that's not gonna be doable. I'll be dragging my head.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we got a couple guys. They're gnomed out.
Uh,

Speaker 3 they're we're pretty sure they're gnomes. Uh, send a

Speaker 3 send a log over,

Speaker 3 jesus harry

Speaker 3 yeah we got two gnomes down two gnomes are down

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 hudson wasn't sure if he could believe um the the little man the chief and he was worried about what would happen to him and his crewmen if they lingered in such company

Speaker 3 Basically the chief, sorry, I left this out.

Speaker 3 It would wear off when the liquor did. You said that, yeah.
Yeah, I did say it. Okay.
So Hudson hurriedly took leave of the gnomes and hustled his severely drunken crewmen back to the half moon.

Speaker 3 They were really good guys.

Speaker 3 The entire crew slept late into the morning as if they were under the spell of a sleeping potion. And when they awaken,

Speaker 3 the crewmen who had accompanied Hudson up to the Catskill Mountains, aside from a ferocious headache, were back to normal. So it was true.
It was just kind of a, it was just the gnome sauce.

Speaker 3 They got gnome. Yeah.
Yeah. I love it.
I would completely drink that. So that's a legend, but that.
It's like if Willy Wonka like created booze, which, by the way, is a dream. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So legend has it that every 20 years, Henry's ghost returns to the Catskills to play nine-pin bowling with the gnomes. And his next visit is scheduled to be in 2029.

Speaker 3 So far away. We're not going to make it till May.

Speaker 3 I wonder if anything goes on then. It would be amazing if, yeah, I wonder too.
I wonder if it'd be amazing if they, if they, you know,

Speaker 3 the news covered it like they do, like Haley's comic. Yeah.

Speaker 3 They say he's returning to get shit canned with gnomes.

Speaker 3 Every 20 years, Henry Hudson comes back up to this specific spot in the Catskills and gets hammered with a bunch of fucking smurfs.

Speaker 3 We're not smurfs. Shut up.
We're gnomes. I talked to one little guy who was the worst.
I'm a gunner, you fucking cunt. So, how often does Henry come up here? We hear every 20 years.

Speaker 3 He comes up whenever he wants to fucking party. You seem very acerbic.
Is there a reason you're so negative?

Speaker 3 I'm so tired of this fucking bullshit where you come on here and you point the cameras at us and then you fucking go. We're just living here in poverty.

Speaker 3 They were real huge jerks.

Speaker 3 You're shithead. You fucking.
Get out from behind the frame. You fucking use us.
Okay, all right. Hold on, guys, take their mic.

Speaker 3 Goddamn fucking stories, and then you get the fuck out of here. We're just stuck in the middle.
Run him over with the news van. Our factory closed.
What did you make?

Speaker 3 We made beer and liquor and stuff. Yeah, all right.
And hats. Yeah, nobody needs that shit.
And beards. And beards? Yeah, fake beards.
And these little red pants. Okay, yeah, you made costumes to be.

Speaker 3 All right. Three, two, one.

Speaker 3 Nancy, I was up here for a while and I despise the gnomes

Speaker 3 I'm gonna fucking eat your thigh Let me throw back to the studio. I'm gonna eat your thigh you son of a bitch.
You're not gonna be able to do shit fuck you fuck you. We got guns.

Speaker 3 What we have I have guns here mace the little guy. You have guns.
Ah you fucking son of a bitch. All right three two one.
What the fuck? So Nancy a lot of these gnomes are being real assholes.

Speaker 3 Eat my ass you fucking white son of a bitch.

Speaker 3 Let's go down the hill and we'll do the

Speaker 3 ass. We'll do the bumpstown there.
Those are are crazy last things.

Speaker 3 We drove off.

Speaker 3 They would have every reason to be furious. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 They felt crisis to the oxy.

Speaker 3 You guys left us with a bunch of pills for injuries we didn't really have.

Speaker 3 Opiates have wiped out the gnome culture.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 so they so who knows if that cat skill thing happened but it's very funny that the awesome native americans have such a great

Speaker 3 story by the way it's just a crazy way to like it would be i mean it's nice that like they're i mean considering what we did yeah their story is pretty nice yeah it's kind of like a nice it's like a fluff piece

Speaker 3 So as the ship is heading back,

Speaker 3 a local thief stole some clothes and a pillow from Robert Jewett. Okay.
I don't know, maybe on the ship, maybe off the ship. I don't know.
It's a weird thing to... Sure.

Speaker 3 So Jewett's pissed and he grabs his gun and he shot the man twice, killing him instantly. Cool.
Hearing the shots, the cook freaked out and gave the nearest native a hatchet between the eyes.

Speaker 3 I'm right. By the way,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 that guy could have chilled out a little bit more, I guess. He heard two gunshots and then he threw a hatchet into a guy's head.

Speaker 3 Well, if you hear a gunshot, you grab the nearest hatchet and just put it in his eyes. I took him out.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 3 I heard two shots.

Speaker 3 It's safe to say I panicked. He was just reading a book.
Yeah. He did not deserve what I did to him.
Okay. I completely freaked out.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, nobody fire any more stuff unless you give me a heads up. Okay, but then the problem with that is if we yell we're going to shoot someone, then it takes away the element of surprise.

Speaker 3 It's going to be the better course of action. Okay.
I mean, I panicked.

Speaker 3 That guy is dead as shit.

Speaker 3 The rest of the Montauks then fled back to Manhattan where they

Speaker 3 wrestled up 100 more men in canoes

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 started chasing the half moon. And then a battle ensues of sorts, kind of.
The half moon used its cannons, muskets, and swivel guns to deal crushing damage to the Montaux

Speaker 3 while a few of the crew were sort of grazed by arrows. Okay.

Speaker 3 Why are you sad? Just because they just slaughtered a bunch of.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 3 yeah. It's all their fault.
I know. It just, it would be fantastic to live on the timeline where...
I mean, it's always the bad timeline. We're never, we're never, you know, this is the way it is.

Speaker 3 We

Speaker 3 just always killed all of them. Yeah, and we don't know how many they killed.
Like, there's no, like,

Speaker 3 you didn't put that in the diary. Yeah, dear diary.
Real big genocide today.

Speaker 3 Nailed it.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 on

Speaker 3 October 4th, that's when they officially turned around and they're like, well, we can't get. We can't go across the continent.
Yeah. Through the Hudson.
Where are they now? They're in New York. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So they're like,

Speaker 3 yeah, it's not. I mean, but he doesn't even know how far it is to the Pacific, but he's like, yeah, this is pretty bad.
Yeah. And he wrote, Henry wrote that the native people are mostly friendly.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, from his POV. Jewett wrote, quote, but we dost not trust them.
Yeah. So

Speaker 3 Henry knew, he knows he has explicitly broken his contract with the Dutch. Yeah, I completely forgot that he.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And his family? Well, so he's supposed to go back to England. He's supposed to go back to Holland, but he goes to England instead.
So he's just kind of like, I mean, this is a great way to get it.

Speaker 3 Maybe he didn't love his wife. Yeah, it's a good divorce situation.
It's just a great way to get out of the way.

Speaker 3 Just sort of be like.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 dear Dutch, I really partied in America. I completely ignored everything.
I, sir.

Speaker 3 It's

Speaker 3 non-consensual divorce. Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 How did you imagine a season that

Speaker 3 has his trip going?

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, it seems like he's gone to North America. Fuck.

Speaker 3 What's he doing?

Speaker 3 They drank a bunch of gnome juice and some of them became gnomes. Okay.
So that's sort of where that went to.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 So probably going to have to kill the other kids. What? Yeah.

Speaker 3 No. Yeah.

Speaker 3 No. Oh, yes.

Speaker 3 Why are you saying it like that? That was so sad for you. It's your tone that's upsetting.
I'm really bothered that you're going to have to go.

Speaker 3 Is that a

Speaker 3 drone yet better than what you got?

Speaker 3 Sure, sad for you that you're gone. We're going to have to cut off pottery your hands.
Oh,

Speaker 3 then your heads are going to go.

Speaker 3 I eat your kids. Oh.
Okay. This is a holiday.
This is how kinder starts. I like it.
This is how the kindergarten starts. Your Christmas is terrifying.
This is how the kindergart starts.

Speaker 3 Name one thing that's strange. Oh, God.
What?

Speaker 3 Krampus or whatever you guys call him? Yeah, so not good. It's

Speaker 3 very racist. You don't like a parade where you get beaten?

Speaker 3 So some think that he went to England to get out of trouble with the Dutch East Indian Company, but there are other theories that say he may have been an English spy who was using Dutch funding and Dutch maps to benefit the English crown.

Speaker 3 But he didn't do anything. I don't believe that.
Well,

Speaker 3 he did explore. Sort of.
He like did. He went like 50 miles.
But he didn't explore the right way. Yeah.
Explore the wrong way.

Speaker 3 But there's people that are like, well, the only way to get the explanation. I mean, he basically just went there and got hammered and then was like, we got to get back.
But he did explore.

Speaker 3 And people are basically saying, like, well, that's the reason he didn't do the Northeast Passage because he was doing what the English wanted him, which was explore North America.

Speaker 3 And honestly, any motive would be awesome because it seems like he was just seeing a woman there or something.

Speaker 3 It just, yeah, he just seems like out of his like he just leaves he's it just he loves america

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 or it could have been that he was just trying to regain favor with the monarchy the journey took seven that was seven and a half months that they were out there just not a lot happened now

Speaker 3 the muscovie company does not was not going to send him on another voyage and after henry was hanging out with his best friend, who was a priest,

Speaker 3 who described him as, quote, sunk into the lowest depths of the humor of melancholy. So he's sad.
He's sad. What's he sad about? I don't know what he's, maybe his family being held hostage.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, there's an easy, but he, I don't think so. Or no,

Speaker 3 he's under house arrest. Oh, he is.
Yeah. Okay.
So he's sad about that. Yeah, that is a bummer.
I didn't, I didn't say that yet.

Speaker 3 So he wrote to the Dutch East Indian Company and told them he was in England with their ship and their stuff, but he would happily come back to Amsterdam if they paid for a voyage through America and the Northwest Passage.

Speaker 3 So he's like,

Speaker 3 I'll bring your shit. So now he's doing what they're doing.

Speaker 3 He's holding the ship hostage and all the information. He just went to America and now he's just like, let me bring your ship back.
I'll go through America. Yeah, basically.

Speaker 3 And they're like, stop going to America. You know what? I owe you a real apology for going through America.
I'll bring it all back. Let me go through America and I'll get the Raj away.

Speaker 3 The Dutch East Indian Company responded, get back to America immediately. We have your wife and kid.
Get back to America or

Speaker 3 Amsterdam. Amsterdam.
Right. Immediately.
We have your wife and kid. That's his dream letter.
Go.

Speaker 3 All right. Go to America and then you can have your wife.

Speaker 3 So the reason he's under house arrest is because in England, sailing under another nation's flag is treason.

Speaker 3 I don't, has he made a good decision recently? No, no. Yeah, because he, so he, if he went back to Holland, if he went back to Amsterdam, they would have been mad.

Speaker 3 And then, but instead, he is committing treason, so he goes back to England.

Speaker 3 He obviously didn't care about his wife and kid, because if he did,

Speaker 3 he would have gone west. Yes, because they were like, Don't go west.
No, he wouldn't have gone west, you mean? Yeah, yeah, they went, he would have tried to go to Asia, right?

Speaker 3 The Dutch were like, Do not go west, and he's like, You have your wife and kid, he's right. All right, here we go.
All right, boys, we're going west. Yeah, hope my wife dies.

Speaker 3 I'll be single, gonna be awesome.

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 Henry, the British men

Speaker 3 were on the ship and the ship logs were seized by the english and the dutch sailors were sent back to holland okay but despite the shame of flying under a dutch flag his reputation increases after their mission because he did this in the british eyes a successful tour of america and he contacted native people even though a lot of them died but he

Speaker 3 There's not a lot of people doing that at this point, right? Sure, so it's a low bar. So the English people are like, yay, yay! He's great.

Speaker 3 And that led to the governor of the Virginia Company and the British East India Company bankrolling a fourth voyage and forming a new company, which also included two other rich guys and Prince Henry.

Speaker 3 Prince Henry? Yes. And they called it the Company of Gentlemen.

Speaker 3 Absolutely ridiculously stupid. Completely ridiculous.
The Company of gentlemen. We are the worst.
Now, Prince Henry, future king? I believe so. I don't know anything about him.

Speaker 3 So they're bringing a prince.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 He's a baby. And the voyage now is to what? Is just to go explore.
Now he actually is getting his dream funded.

Speaker 3 What about his wife and kid?

Speaker 3 I think that they were.

Speaker 3 I don't know. You know what? I didn't.

Speaker 3 I would imagine that they were okay because we probably know if not. They just kind of get dropped off.

Speaker 3 I imagine they're fine or else I would have read about it. But in all this, like there's so many different things about him and it's it's all very like

Speaker 3 so now he's going on a fourth or fifth voyage. This is the fourth.
Fourth voyage to North America now explicitly. No.

Speaker 3 No, are they

Speaker 3 well the no, you're right because the

Speaker 3 governor of Virginia Company they're now like he's so that's go to America. He's now like people

Speaker 3 into what he's doing. Yeah, he wants to go to America.
He's He's getting that.

Speaker 3 It was very hard to keep all the journeys straight, my mind. Well, he must be very excited about this operation.

Speaker 3 This is what he's wanted his whole time. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 So other investors jump in. They raise money,

Speaker 3 new crew of 23 people.

Speaker 3 Oh, and since the money was raised and he was going on another voyage, they just let him out of house arrest. They're like, yeah, he's.

Speaker 3 Well, he kind of outlasted them and the public now loves him. Once the public loves him, you're kind of fucked.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because when you're going to kill a guy who went and explored, like, it's what your whole thing is, yeah, right. So, yeah, um, there was an issue with the ship, though.

Speaker 3 The ship they were to sail on was about as big as a school bus, much smaller than any previous ship Henry had captained.

Speaker 3 And you have 23 men to live on it, and there wasn't enough room below decks for them. Uh, so a lot had to sleep through icy temperatures on the deck.
Okay,

Speaker 3 so fuck that. I mean, why?

Speaker 3 Why, why,

Speaker 3 like, so many of these missions in general, it was just like, you're just like, a lot of us are going to die. Like, they didn't like try super hard to make sure everyone was going to be okay for long.

Speaker 3 At all. There's always times where they're like,

Speaker 3 yes, we'll need room for pelts. So no meats or flour.

Speaker 3 Well, you're going to die.

Speaker 3 Despite the tension between them, Henry bought Jewett back as first mate.

Speaker 3 It's a winning combo. Why?

Speaker 3 John and Paul wrote the best songs together. Why?

Speaker 3 Because there's a spark, dude.

Speaker 3 Oh, man. Think of all the hits.
You need this.

Speaker 3 Look. Look.

Speaker 3 It's not bad. It's like a good combo.

Speaker 3 They brought on a new crewmaster named Henry Green. Hank Green.
Hank was a hothead, a gambler, and a regular rap scallion. Good.
That's what we need. A total degenerate piece of shit.

Speaker 3 That's what should be thrown into the mix here.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And just to be safe, we're going to throw in a real nightmare. Green immediately got into a fistfight with the very popular ship barber slash surgeon.

Speaker 3 What? What's the problem? What do you mean, what's the problem? What? The barber surgeon? There were a lot of barber surgeons then, just like there were a lot of barber dentists. And I first

Speaker 3 would, why not? I would just like to say that's obviously going to come back.

Speaker 3 Anyone could,

Speaker 3 yes, absolutely. Anyone could cut hair.

Speaker 3 Why is that thrown in the mix? Well, I think that you have tools.

Speaker 3 He's been shot in the stomach. I'm going to give him a mop top.

Speaker 3 What about this? We take out the bullet. Yeah.
And then we give him a little bit of a trim.

Speaker 3 He's dead. I'm going to give him a

Speaker 3 kind of

Speaker 3 spiky wave. Oh, what about a Bob? Yeah, all right, we'll give him a Bob.
He's dead. Well, we're just trying to figure out what would suit him now that he's gone.

Speaker 3 You didn't even bother to try to address the wound when he was shot.

Speaker 3 We were trying to figure out what hairstyling is. We came out with a Bob.
Yeah, what have you done? Nothing. Yeah, all right.
So he's dead, and he'll have a Bob.

Speaker 3 That's a nice look.

Speaker 3 So even without investigating, Henry backed up Green, saying the surgeon had a short temper. Okay.

Speaker 3 But the crew backed the surgeon because everyone likes the surgeon. So once again, he's starting out a voyage with a lot of friction and discontent.

Speaker 3 before they even got going yet. So Jewett starts speculating that the only reason Henry brought Green in in was to spy on the crew.
Okay.

Speaker 3 And Henry was throwing idle threats at Jewett and saying he would kick him off the ship, but he never followed through. But that's not a good leadership.

Speaker 3 No, wait, wait, wait. He's saying that Green is his, this is what Hudson thinks.

Speaker 3 Green, no, Hudson thinks Green is in the right.

Speaker 3 Okay. And again, so people think that Hudson, Jewett thinks that Green is Hudson's spy.
Yes. Okay, that makes sense.
Okay. Yes.
And all because everyone likes the barber who Green got on a fight with.

Speaker 3 The barber surgeon.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 they take off and the ice becomes so thick, they're basically going zero miles an hour, just

Speaker 3 softly ping-ponging between massive ice sheets. Okay.

Speaker 3 And on July 7th, they made it around Greenland. And there was another near mutiny as they headed through what is now called the Hudson Strait.

Speaker 3 but at that time it was called the furious overfall

Speaker 3 is that is it dangerous it sounds like uh it sounds like something you would hear in some sort of viking film can we not go in there

Speaker 3 uh what about the name is freaking everyone out now all right it's a furious sir yeah all right it's not it's not inviting

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 but

Speaker 3 all right, yeah, okay, yeah, I will concede the furious part's bad. Honestly, it's scaring the hell out of everybody.
Well, what if I called it the Hudson Strait?

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 not so scary now, is it, boys? It's not so scary now.

Speaker 3 We're gonna go through the Hudson Strait

Speaker 3 right into our fate. Yay!

Speaker 3 We're gonna call it the Hudson Strait.

Speaker 3 That's not as scary as the furious overpass. One of the reasons that there's so much tension on the ship

Speaker 3 is because of your fucking songs. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, we better get moving because as much as we're aging,

Speaker 3 it looks like the Hudson Straits are raging. Come on!

Speaker 3 Bam! Look at the hips. Wham!

Speaker 3 Look at the moves. Crotch, crutch, crutch.
Flipping around. Bottom, bottom, slap.
Bending down. Boot, scoot.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 So now that we're feeling good, we're not. Let's have a go.

Speaker 3 So the furious overfall is brutal.

Speaker 3 And as they entered the mouth.

Speaker 3 I've been there.

Speaker 3 So they entered the mouth of that is now Hudson Bay.

Speaker 3 So it's Hudson Strait, then into Hudson Bay. So

Speaker 3 you could tell why they thought it's the Northwest Passage

Speaker 3 because it's 40,

Speaker 3 470,000 square miles with 4,000 miles of coast.

Speaker 3 470? Yeah, it's huge. And they're basically just inching along

Speaker 3 until Henry has a realization that this is not a trans-American waterway, that they're in a bay and they're about to hit a dead end. Okay.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 he tried to get out by going north, but that's back up the furious overfall. So he's trying to go through it.

Speaker 3 Which is named for a reason. Right.
Yeah. It's the nightmare.
It's like impossible to get through.

Speaker 3 Even if you know exactly where you're going and they don't know where they're going.

Speaker 3 In a way, that is an advantage. Yeah, probably.
It might be. Maybe because they're like, bye.

Speaker 3 So it took them one and a half months of scooting past one ice block,

Speaker 3 trying to remember if they had passed it before and then turning back, scoot, turn back, scoot, turn back, constantly making inadvertent circles in the freezing weather for a month and a half,

Speaker 3 going absolutely nowhere.

Speaker 3 And why? Because Gareth, it is called the furious overfall. Well, and that, and I mean,

Speaker 3 there had to be a way to be able to tell

Speaker 3 that they were, yeah. That they're just going.
I mean, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 3 like you said, he's not a great navigator. But you can look at the stars.

Speaker 3 I mean, they do use the stars to navigate.

Speaker 3 Going, we're not going anywhere. Yeah, but instead, they're like, wait, oh, fuck.

Speaker 3 So the crew at this point, it's just fucking totally lost it. Yeah.
And the animosity between Jewett and Henry explodes. Okay.

Speaker 3 Jewett discovered that Green,

Speaker 3 a guy who had no experience sailing, but got this cushy job on the ship,

Speaker 3 was just there to spy on the crew for Henry. So he is.
He is right. He is, right?

Speaker 3 So at that point, Jewage challenges Henry and Henry has him locked up and tried for mutiny. On the ship? Yes.
Tried in front of a jury of other people or

Speaker 3 why not? Or maybe just... You're now a jury.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 I don't know who they did in front of you. Yeah.
Well, they have no choice. Yeah, I mean.
So you just, you always are just good.

Speaker 3 It's kind of fun. It is fun.
Right. Now we're going to have a trial.
This will be great.

Speaker 3 So even though everyone hates Henry, the testimony against Jewett is pretty fucking damning. The testimony against Jewett? Well, I think that guys are...
From who? The guys on the crew are.

Speaker 3 They must be telling the truth. I don't get any of this.
So funny to be like.

Speaker 3 And have you heard of the ship? Well, yeah, I'm on it. Yeah.
Do you carry any sort of bias in any direction? Yeah, lots of it. I'd like to strike Reggie from the pool.

Speaker 3 Okay, now I'm Frank. All right.
Frank, how are you, mate? How are you? Yes.

Speaker 3 Are you familiar with the ship and the expedition? Yeah, well, I'm on it. Ain't I? Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 What do you think of me? Do you like me? No.

Speaker 3 What about Jewett? He's a real piece of shit here. He's a good one.
All right.

Speaker 3 I'm striking, Frank. Striking, Frank.
He's fucking hilarious. No, he's not.
No, striking Frank.

Speaker 3 No. I haven't tell you the joke about the pig.
That was a horrible joke. He stole the pig.
The one where he fucks the pig. Yes, it's not even a joke.

Speaker 3 It's a horrible story about when he had sex with a pig.

Speaker 3 I'm striking Frank. Striking Frank.

Speaker 3 Striking Frank.

Speaker 3 Taylor. Taylor.
Taylor.

Speaker 3 Hello.

Speaker 3 Taylor, hello.

Speaker 3 Hello.

Speaker 3 Hello. Yes.
How are you? Good. How are you? Do you know Jewett?

Speaker 3 Even guys who got along with Jewett had overheard or straight up been told threats from Jewett towards Henry. Uh-huh.
And just about every other crew member on the ship.

Speaker 3 I mean, Jewet is just a shit-talking guy. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So Henry hasn't dead. He's dead to rights, right? Jewet's just fine.
On his boat jury. On the mutiny boat jury.
Right.

Speaker 3 But he also recognized that he needed as many men as possible to escape the icy hell they're in. He needs experienced men for the fucking ship.
Sure.

Speaker 3 So instead of having Jewett thrown overboard, which would have been the

Speaker 3 you're now my slave,

Speaker 3 Henry gave him. I sent you to be cool again.

Speaker 3 He gave him. and any other crew member suspected of any crime a full pardon in exchange for good behavior from now on.

Speaker 3 What a weak.

Speaker 3 It's so true, though. That's what I mean.
Like, he had no legs to stand on, really, because

Speaker 3 he needs. So he basically, you're sentenced to not being a dick.

Speaker 3 Come on. I mean, he could have eliminated the trial and just been like, would you please chill out? Exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I sentence you to chilling out.

Speaker 3 Gareth,

Speaker 3 the dollop is brought to you by Chewy.

Speaker 3 Chewy, of course,

Speaker 3 not the thing that you do with the little stick thing that I gave you.

Speaker 3 I'm talking about the company that sends you pet stuff and helps you out with your pets. You're trying to get the chewing stick.

Speaker 3 Gareth, when I think about the holidays, I'm thinking about the little moments with my pets.

Speaker 3 My little guys, I got 17 dogs and they make the season because you put a little lamp on them, you let them run around,

Speaker 3 haul the sleigh, all that stuff. That's why.
Sir, they're pulling the sleigh.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's why I'm joining Chewy Claws, who's out there making pets' wishes come true, obviously, because he's Chewy Claws.

Speaker 3 So from November 4th until December 24th, you can share your pet's wish at chewy.com slash chewyclaws, and it could become real. It also helps others.

Speaker 3 So each time you wish, it triggers a donation of five meals to shelters and rescues across the country.

Speaker 3 So you submit that through the Chewy app and they'll double the donation. A wish for that.
It's really the way that Chewy is the absolute best.

Speaker 3 I've never heard a Chewy Clause before, but this is apparently a real clause, not like the other one. Chewy Claus is real.

Speaker 3 So is Santa Claus. No, Santa Claus is not real.
Chewy Claus is real.

Speaker 3 Shelters and rescues can join in on the joy by submitting their own wish list to Chewy Clause also, and their community can find their wish list and donate items directly to them.

Speaker 3 So if you have, right, a rescuer shelter that you like and they're on there and they put a list, you can go there and pick stuff out to give to your favorite dog or cat or lizard or horse or camel.

Speaker 3 Camel? Yeah, probably. Nope.
No. There's probably a lot of camels at the shelters here in Los Angeles.
Here's the thing. Chewy is spreading the joy with your wish.
That's what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 3 We, of course, use Chewy. We both love Chewy.
That's where I get my food.

Speaker 3 Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish to chewy.
Chewy deserves a wish come chew.

Speaker 3 Will you tell them

Speaker 3 that I said that? No.

Speaker 3 Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish to chewy.com slash chewy clause and it might become a reality.
Plus, your wish means Chewie will donate five meals to pets in need.

Speaker 3 Gary?

Speaker 3 Gareth. Gareth? Come on.

Speaker 3 It's Gareth. You know what it is.

Speaker 3 Gareth, the doll, is also brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace, everybody knows this.

Speaker 3 It's an all-in-one website platform, which is designed to make you stand out, help you stand out and succeed online

Speaker 3 instead of failing online. Don't succeed.

Speaker 3 Go to Squarespace. You want to be a business? Go to Squarespace.

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter if you're just starting out or if you've got an older business you want or you just want to get the attention out there for a thing that you got going on.

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Speaker 3 Just all in the same place. Squarespace.
Sorry, you can get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments, which people enjoy those. People enjoy online payments.

Speaker 3 How about SEO tools? Ever heard of that? Yeah, Gareth, what's an SEO tool since you're

Speaker 3 engine optimization.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so they're going to help you with that. They're going to give you the keywords to get it so that people find you.
What about this? What about video content? I'm back, baby. What about that?

Speaker 3 What about video stuff? They're going to make you look more professional. What if you want to do donations or you want to be able to sell stuff on your website? Merch, for God's sakes.

Speaker 3 I mean, we have a website that has merch on it through Squarespace. All of our websites are through Squarespace.

Speaker 3 Now, I will say, we've had to give some notes to the person who's in charge of the merch part of our website.

Speaker 3 Sometimes, eight or nine times before a message is clearly relayed that actually penetrates the liquid that surrounds the brain. But

Speaker 3 Squarespace is got nothing to do with Squarespace. You're bringing in your own personal issues to the brain.
I'm bringing in my own personal stuff to a Squarespace talk.

Speaker 3 Check out squarespace.com/slash dollop for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Speaker 3 That's squarespace.com/slash dollop for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dollars to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or

Speaker 3 domain. Tell them I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have.

Speaker 3 It's too late for that. Gareth, we are also brought to you by Cash App.

Speaker 3 Oh, David. Do you have like a weirdest or craziest scam that you've ever had to deal with? You've certainly had to.

Speaker 3 My father recently got involved in

Speaker 3 the king of scams.

Speaker 3 The king of scams. The irony that if my father wrote a book about the scam he was on, that would have been the book.

Speaker 3 Well, look, here's the thing about Cash App. Built-in card security that keeps your money safe from fraud and the protections you'd expect.

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Speaker 3 methods like fake shopping sites and giveaways that are like crazy too good. Hold on, I'm buying you a car right now.

Speaker 3 And luckily, Cash App's 24-7 fraud monitoring helps detect and alert you for unusual card activity. Should someone gain access to your card.
So you can act fast and, you know, if something's off.

Speaker 3 Did you get the card?

Speaker 3 I did not get the card, Gareth. You can also lock or unlock your Cash App instantly, right in the app.
It's extra control. That's pretty sweet.
That'll keep you peace of mind. So it's good.

Speaker 3 It's very, very helpful with that car thing. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Not real. You should have used Cash App.
I just lost $100 million.

Speaker 3 That's a lot for a car. So look, what we're saying is give yourself the peace of mind this holiday season and download Cash App.
That's what we're saying. We're big boys, so you should listen to us.

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Speaker 3 Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners.

Speaker 3 Prepaid debit card issued by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, promotions provided by Cash App, a block incorporated brand. Visit cash app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures.
Gareth,

Speaker 3 we are also brought to you by Aura frames.

Speaker 3 We both have Aura Frames. We have both sent Aura Frames to our mommies.
Yes. My mommy loves her aura frame.
I get to see her. I'm going to jump in and ask you to not call her your mommy.

Speaker 3 My ma gets a... Me, my Mima gets frames, gets pictures from me in her aura frame.
Yeah. It's very easy.
So you get the aura frame. It's a great gift because of what we're talking about.

Speaker 3 And you send it to someone and you can upload all the stuff you want into it. You can use the app, go online to send

Speaker 3 your photos to their your frame. We're in this weird zone where you no longer have the hard copy of the picture, and yet all we do is take pictures, and we still want to have stuff on our walls.

Speaker 3 That's right. So Aura kind of hacked it and is basically like, hey, you can have a ton of pictures rotating in a frame.
It's like living in Back to the Future, too. It's exactly like that.

Speaker 3 Upload unlimited photos and video, preload photos before it ships if you want.

Speaker 3 So you can ship it as a gift and then get it and go, oh, my God, here's all the grandkids or the dog or here's a bunch of trees.

Speaker 3 And if you get one and you go, oh, God, I don't want that many pictures of grandkids. You can swap it out for other people.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you can. There's no commitment here.

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Sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays.

Speaker 3 Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.
Well, Dave, we should also make sure we let people know that the Dollop podcast will be going on tour this spring.

Speaker 3 Buffalo on March 22nd in Syracuse on March 23rd and Boston on the 24th. March 25th, we'll be in Bridgeport, Connecticut against our will.
We'll be in New York City

Speaker 3 on March 26th. We'll be in Albany at a place called The Ag on the 27th.
We'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on the 28th. We'll be in Philadelphia on the 29th.
And then we will be in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 3 on March 30th. So go to dolloppodcast.com for tickets to that.
And if you come to see us in Bridgeport, we'll make love to you.

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Speaker 3 Henry then immediately killed any goodwill he may have accumulated by meandering around in the ice for another two months. Oh my god.
So there are they're freezing obviously. Yes.

Speaker 3 And it's and they only have the the most of them are sleeping on the deck. Yes.
And it's and October passes by

Speaker 3 so they're stuck.

Speaker 3 The men would be because the icebergs are iced in? Yeah, they're iced in. Wow.
So the men would be forced to stay in the frozen wasteland until spring.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine being on the deck when he actually gets to go below deck?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 all right, guys. This is just.
I don't even know how we got here, but

Speaker 3 I'm as pissed as anyone.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I'm going to turn in.

Speaker 3 I'll go. I'm sorry.
Oh, God. So.
I'll tell you where it's cold, Below deck.

Speaker 3 So I'm going to go down there to my quarters and just...

Speaker 3 Ugh. Stay.
Oh, I wish I was surrounded by you, lot. You could use your body warmth.
All I've got down there are a bunch of blankets. Ugh.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm turning in and just know that we're all just so pissed. Ugh.
I'm going to go down there now and just have a... try to sleep.
Don't know if I will.

Speaker 3 Ugh.

Speaker 3 By the way, if I'm not up here early in the morning, let me. It means I didn't get to bed at all, so let me sleep a little bit.
This whole thing is totally fucked.

Speaker 3 By the way, this whole thing is totally fucked.

Speaker 3 I'm gonna,

Speaker 3 yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go down there.
They don't even look like there's room on the deck for me, unfortunately.

Speaker 3 Boy, that's a bummer. Really, what?

Speaker 3 If there are any acting students out there, I want you to do this

Speaker 3 if you have to do like a solo piece in your acting class. Do that.
Will you please do this? My monologue?

Speaker 3 I'll be doing

Speaker 3 Henry Hudson, my quarters,

Speaker 3 from the play The Hudson Nightmare.

Speaker 3 Well, it's time to turn in, I guess. And I wish I could stay up here with my men.

Speaker 3 but unfortunately I think I've got to go down to

Speaker 3 I could write because you know I could do another eight minutes oh I know I won't everybody knows

Speaker 3 no one's happy about that no it's that's where people worry about your sanity no it's the Achilles yeah the Achilles heel is that I I do find comedy in going long I know I know yeah I know yes yeah

Speaker 3 well you're the Henry Hudson of well quiet uh well

Speaker 3 all right I'm turning in i'm gonna lock this door just so i don't get out and try to take someone's position yeah

Speaker 3 okay

Speaker 3 oh by the way i'm down in my quarters now

Speaker 3 and it's bloody awful so preston just go ahead and cut this part out yeah preston cut keep this part going

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 he must have let them sleep below somehow because they would have fucking died.

Speaker 3 Like he must have, he must have allowed them below deck in the freezing, whatever. Okay, I don't know.
I'm actually interested. But also, also,

Speaker 3 they could have been doing the penguin thing. But also, they now have to, because they're going to be there all winter.
They had to build a shelter. They have to hunt.
They have to fish.

Speaker 3 They have to gather firewood. But where are they doing that? Where can they do that? Well, they can walk to the shore.

Speaker 3 They can get off the boat and walk to the shore. Through the ice.
Well,

Speaker 3 they also have to ground the ship. So they must have had to somehow pull it up and slide it across and get it because they have to get it.
Because you can't have the ship.

Speaker 3 They have to get it out of the ice or else the hull will crash. Just absolute hell.

Speaker 3 So it's not like hanging out. Like they got a lot of work to do if they're going to stay there.

Speaker 3 Henry sent two guys to land to see if there was anywhere they could stay for the winter. And they ended up camping at the mouth of a river.
It's fucking miserable.

Speaker 3 One crewman said that so many things were going wrong, quote, to speak of all our troubles would be tedious.

Speaker 3 In the middle of November, a crew member died of exposure to the freezing cold. And so they must have been sleeping outside.

Speaker 3 It's also a great term for hypothermia.

Speaker 3 Exposure. He died because he was cold.
No, he had exposure to the elements. It's quite different.
He was weak.

Speaker 3 And they just. We're all grieving the death of Richard.
I'm going to go down to my quarters and just grieve. I'm going to go cry in the hot box.
I'll be crying in the hot tub.

Speaker 3 Gosh. Oh, they can't bury him because they can't dig the grave.

Speaker 3 Well, you should probably just eat him. I'm sure they just covered him stuff.
Here we are.

Speaker 3 Henry Green. Let's toss him.
Henry Green, the bad-tempered favorite of Henry.

Speaker 3 Henry Green of Henry Hudson. Hank Green.
The guy he brought on to be the spy. Yeah.
Yeah, we can call him Hank.

Speaker 3 He wanted the dead. Hank Green's a guy online who's awesome.
Okay.

Speaker 3 But I don't want to think that we're being rude to Hank Green because he's awesome.

Speaker 3 He wanted the dead crewman's coat.

Speaker 3 Wait, who did Hank? Yes.

Speaker 3 Once again, this is not Hank Green. So Henry actually took it off the body and gave it to him, which is cool.
No, it's awesome. It's a huge.
It's like a thrift. It's a huge.
You support it.

Speaker 3 We like it.

Speaker 3 You do take the dead guy's clothes. Of course.

Speaker 3 But there's a slap in the face.

Speaker 3 Not the underwear. It's a slap in the face to the crew.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, you might take the underwear, too.
I wouldn't. I would.
I think there's a big...

Speaker 3 I think you could get if you could get that on eBay, you can make a lot of money. Once you see the penis, that's where I say this is wrong.
Oh, that's weird. Everything up until then.

Speaker 3 So if I see the penis, I'm like, we won. What? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, we're just from different countries. Yeah, I guess.
It's the cultural stuff.

Speaker 3 Let's eat sushi off him. It's like Japanese businessmen.

Speaker 3 Usually when a crewman died, the rest of the men held an auction and the money raised would be sent to the dead crewman's family. So that was the tradition.
Right. Sort of the go fund me.

Speaker 3 So that's very normal. Right.
Like how we raise all that money for that, that poor Walmart worker.

Speaker 3 I mean, great, we raise it, but people are just like, it's a feel-good story. You're like, no, it's a story.
The air society is.

Speaker 3 I don't even know where, how, it's a very nuanced... I was trying to do something about it, but it's like, There is a very nuanced,

Speaker 3 we're very happy for the man who should have have been taken care of by the government and had health care so that it sounds like his wife probably could have lived longer.

Speaker 3 We're happy that that man's a multi- going to be a multi-millionaire.

Speaker 3 What is annoying is that the government doesn't do that and that a TikToker is being popularized because of filling the holes that the government should be. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's just like,

Speaker 3 it's one of those ones where I'm like, I might just go run off a cliff.

Speaker 3 Hey, we don't take care of our senior citizens. Yay.
But this guy's going to be okay.

Speaker 3 Yay. Now do every other one.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 that was how, by taking the guy's clothes and raff them off or auction them off, that was how they dealt with tragedy, with honor, basically.

Speaker 3 So now the crew is fucking furious that he just gave them the coat. It's crazy to me that the auction is the like, I mean, it's just very

Speaker 3 all right now. How much are we figuring for this shirt? Look at this beautiful thing, eh? A lot of buttons, two big pockets.
What would you pay for this? I'd say top dollar.

Speaker 3 Let's do nine farthings, Stony. Nine farvings, nine farthings, nine farthings.
We've got ten five, nine farthings. All I have is this bone.
All right, we got one bone. It's got two bones.

Speaker 3 Anyone got two bones? Two bones, three bone.

Speaker 3 This is a piece of wood.

Speaker 3 This is very difficult to auction it in this way because I don't know if the wood's better than the bone, but we say it will be for this because it's a pretty big piece of wood. All right, we've got

Speaker 3 a what? Can of tuna. Oh, tuna's entered the bat.
All right, we've got a can of tuna going once. Anyone, can anyone out do a can of tuna? It's empty.
All right, it's an empty can of tuna.

Speaker 3 I think the wood's better than the can of tuna.

Speaker 3 And be honest, I'm still not sure if the bone's worse than the wood or where that's at, but we'll say the wood's still good because the empty can of tuna is nothing in it. So we still got the wood.

Speaker 3 Anyone got more wood? Bigger piece of wood. Anyone got wood? Larger wood.
Wood. Big piece of wood going once.
Big piece of wood going twice. Can anyone beat the big piece of wood?

Speaker 3 Digital this guy's lovely wife. Anyone go, dick if he's got kids.
He's got kids. He's got a finger.
Yeah, again. No, are you willing to take it off your hand? I've got a...
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And still, I don't know if his wife... We'll do the wood.
Big piece of wood sold for the shirt.

Speaker 3 Guys, next round, let's think of things that the woman would like.

Speaker 3 Nope. Put your trousers back on.
Sorry. Yeah, it's all right.
I saw that coming a mile away.

Speaker 3 um now on top of all that henry now demanded that the ship's carpenter build build him an entire house he was the also the carpenter and the proctologist

Speaker 3 just the carpenter to build him out

Speaker 3 this is awesome and the carpenter said he couldn't because he didn't know how to build a house he was not a house building carpenter he only knew about ships well build me a ship that's Shaped like a house.

Speaker 3 So Henry punched him in the face.

Speaker 3 Oh, the tensions are high.

Speaker 3 Imagine telling a guy to build you a house when you're like getting him killed. You're actively getting him killed.
And you're like, Say, what do you say? You build me a big house. Big four rooms.

Speaker 3 You know what that means?

Speaker 3 Yeah, go on.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 the crew did end up building a structure that sort of resembled a house.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 during let me walk you through what I'll call a bouse

Speaker 3 It's called a hoat

Speaker 3 All right, let's see

Speaker 3 Why has the house got a sail on it? We yeah, that was a thing we yeah, we got into a bit of a debate about that whether or not your house should have a sail or not. Yeah, I only think about boats.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So I had to wrap my head around it.
Yeah. And I came up with this.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 yeah. She doesn't float.
There's no floor.

Speaker 3 I think you need that. All dirt.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So sorry about that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Anyway. All right.
I remember when my dad came to town once, he like he was here for work like years ago and he found a sushi restaurant that he loved and us my brother and I pulled up.

Speaker 3 It was a fake boat.

Speaker 3 And we were both like, we were both like, we're not eating here.

Speaker 3 And he was like, it's really good. We're like, yeah, we're good.

Speaker 3 That's awesome.

Speaker 3 Okay, so

Speaker 3 it resembles a house. And during the building process, the carpenter became friends with Henry Green.
Okay, the spy.

Speaker 3 And Henry was super jealous of

Speaker 3 R. Henry.
Sorry.

Speaker 3 He became friends with Henry Greene. So Henry Hussen is super jealous.
Of Henry Green's friendship with the Carpenter. Yeah.
Okay. And in response to this new

Speaker 3 bro ship that's building, Henry took back the the dead man's coat from Green and gave it to somebody else. Oh my God, like it's a varsity letter jacket? Yes.

Speaker 3 What in the name of petty?

Speaker 3 Holy shit.

Speaker 3 Man, you can just picture like the montage of

Speaker 3 the carpenter and green like getting closer and him just sort of watching from the bushes. And then the one night when he's just had a like.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so just I'm going to need the jacket back.

Speaker 3 what yeah the remember the guy who passed his jacket yeah just no no need no

Speaker 3 no yeah go on give it back no it's yes i promised it to jordan what yeah jordan's having it now

Speaker 3 jordan's having it jordan's a cunt jordan will wear it better

Speaker 3 better than you or with that carpenter over there is this about the carpenter

Speaker 3 i could be friends with both of you ah oh yeah whatever looks like you two've built a great friendship meanwhile my house is We're not friends. We're not besties.
Give me the jacket. Fuck you.

Speaker 3 Unbelievable. Thank you.
Hope you guys have a lot of fun. By the way, no need to talk to me anymore.
I'm not interested in having conversations with you. I've got a new mate.
His name's Jordan.

Speaker 3 He's over there and he's lovely. Yeah.
Ha ha ha.

Speaker 3 Come on, Jordan. Now laugh really big like we're having the best time.

Speaker 3 That's so true. I love your new coat.

Speaker 3 Your new coat's lovely, Jordan.

Speaker 3 Oh, I know. I've never had a better time either.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 Well, Jordan and I are going to go sleep in the house. We're all sleeping in the house.
Oh, is that what? Oh. Yeah, so everybody.
I didn't understand that bit.

Speaker 3 All right, great. You thought we built you a fucking house? Sort of what I was hoping for.
Yeah, well, I don't know. Wait, you think we're going to sit out on the tundra? I don't know.

Speaker 3 Oh, Jordan, stop.

Speaker 3 He didn't say anything. Yes, he did.
He said it in a secret language where he doesn't use his mouth.

Speaker 3 We don't need to use our mouths to talk. Is he using his eyes? He's telepathically telling me stuff.
Oh, stop it. I guess I have lost a little weight.

Speaker 3 That's very nice. We're starving, mate.
Oh, I guess I have put on a little weight. Lost weight.
Well, my abs are big. I look good.
Fuck me. Oh, well.

Speaker 3 So, Green and Henry are just never friends again. That's it.
They had a huge fight over the code. By the way, now that's not a great look either because now your spy is like...
Spy hates you.

Speaker 3 Well, your spy hates you and he's just like, yeah, he put me here to spy on you all.

Speaker 3 Sorry, just be like, what would you say to them again?

Speaker 3 So the crew was able to shoot some birds and do a little fishing, at least for a while, but all the animals either migrated south for the winter or became dinner.

Speaker 3 And at that point, they found themselves stuck with no food. Uh-oh.
All they could find to eat were frogs and moss, which is actually a nice salad. The idea.
Would you care for some frogs and moss?

Speaker 3 Just sitting there eating moss. Frogs.
Frogs and moss. But imagine just like chewing moss.
Oh, God. Oh, horrifying.
It's not that bad. It's not.

Speaker 3 You know, squeeze a little frog on there. There you are.
I've put a bowl of moss if you can dip your frog in it.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 And then they started coming down with scurvy.

Speaker 3 By the way, this is what I expected in part one. Yeah, I know.
So then a native dude just stumbles across them

Speaker 3 and he trades with them some pelts so they could keep warm.

Speaker 3 And so many stories like this. The native dude knows they need food, obviously, and he would probably have to come back to bring them stuff.

Speaker 3 But Henry. He's just looking at him eating frogs and moss.

Speaker 3 Hey,

Speaker 3 listen. You guys want duck? Why do you guys keep doing this?

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 we keep finding you white people eating rocks and dirt. Have you,

Speaker 3 just hear me out. Have you guys considered not being just obsessed with fucking money? Have you thought about that?

Speaker 3 We'd rather eat frogs and moss.

Speaker 3 So that's fine.

Speaker 3 So here's the problem. Henry is such a fucking dick to the native guy that he never comes back.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like they were all probably like, oh, right. He's going to bring us here.
Yeah, we're good, dude. We're like totally good.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Now I'm picturing him as James Corden.

Speaker 3 Yeah, dude, like we're all set, okay?

Speaker 3 Yeah, like we're good.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine how much of a dick you have to be for a guy to just leave you to die?

Speaker 3 He was probably like in his head, he was probably like, I can give them a bunch of really good meats.

Speaker 3 Yeah, dude, we got moss and frogs. Like, fuck off.

Speaker 3 We believe the nerve of that guy. I was like, we need help.

Speaker 3 Cook up some more mrogs. No, we're not cooking the frogs.

Speaker 3 Frogsicles.

Speaker 3 By the way, am I the only one who's got really bad diarrhea?

Speaker 3 Wait, would it be...

Speaker 3 Would it be better to eat a frozen frog or a cooked frog? Cooked.

Speaker 3 No, I'm from... from yeah but if you ate it frozen it wouldn't taste really that cooked what the

Speaker 3 thing it's not easy you can imagine getting like brain freeze with frog yeah no so i'm talking you want it cooked

Speaker 3 so henry now decides he wants an icy treat

Speaker 3 surprise just

Speaker 3 so Henry decides he's going to go out on his own and find the native camp to get food. So he's going to go in the direction the guy walked.
He's going to to find their camp.

Speaker 3 Oh, talk about hat in hand.

Speaker 3 Hey, hey,

Speaker 3 sorry, I was so shouty back there.

Speaker 3 Sometimes I get all froggy. I get a bit, oh, gosh, I was a real prick.
So he goes out in a boat and he somehow finds them. Wow.

Speaker 3 And the natives see him coming. Now, shoot him.
They instantly know who it is because the guy came back to the village and said, man, let me tell you about this piece of shit.

Speaker 3 So they all know there's a starving group of men. Do you know how? And that guy was such a dick that they're all on board with, like, fuck it.
For Native Americans to be like, I know, right?

Speaker 3 This guy's a dick.

Speaker 3 Without understanding the language. Yeah, and also with knowing white people.
Yeah. So just be like, this guy sucks ass.

Speaker 3 So they see him coming. Hello.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 they set fire to the forest near the shore so he can't get anywhere near us. No, hey! Hey, no, what are you doing?

Speaker 3 Excuse me. What are you doing? No, it's gonna come through there.
We hate you so much. We're burning down our own forest.

Speaker 3 I brought you a bunch of moss.

Speaker 3 I've got so much moss to bless you with.

Speaker 3 Have you got other supply? No.

Speaker 3 Jesus. Coming back.
At it, go.

Speaker 3 A bit of a mixed bag.

Speaker 3 A bit of a mixed bag. You know,

Speaker 3 by the way, I didn't lose any moss. So that's the good news.
I'm coming back with all the moss I left with.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 spring slowly arrives, which means

Speaker 3 more food. Oh, just what are you like?

Speaker 3 Yes, weather.

Speaker 3 But at this point, Jewett and the crew are convinced that Henry is hoarding food. Oh.
And Henry, for his part, he's putting on weight.

Speaker 3 Started. It's getting

Speaker 3 not helping out. Gosh, I'm starving, too.
He starts thinking aloud about marooning some of the more troublesome men on the land because the food would last longer without them.

Speaker 3 He's thinking it out loud.

Speaker 3 Is he thinking in mind?

Speaker 3 He's running through the processes in his mind.

Speaker 3 But he's talking about this. I'd just leave a lot of them to die, and then I'd be fine.
And I could take my favorite five, and the five and I would have a good time.

Speaker 3 That could be good and then a lot of them die. Hey.
And then they'd be dead. Mate.
Hold on. And then I'd be the king.
I'll take the ones who are nice to me, not the ones who I don't like. Mate.

Speaker 3 But the problem is I don't like most of them.

Speaker 3 I don't even think I like five of them.

Speaker 3 I can hear you, mate. I could take three.
Hey. Three would be good.
A shit egg. I could even start killing them now.
Yes, what's going on? We can fucking hear you.

Speaker 3 You're talking out loud. Oh my god, I hope none of them heard that.
We fucking heard that.

Speaker 3 if they heard that that could be what's wrong with you that's it i should probably kill all of them and i'll i'll eat by the way i've been hoarding all the food and they don't know that

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 so

Speaker 3 eight months after uh it all started the ice begins to crack

Speaker 3 and they prepare to go home

Speaker 3 And in a shockingly against character move, Henry evenly distributed the rest of what little food they had. Some of that was spoiled.
But every good deed goes punished. So his ex-BFF, Henry,

Speaker 3 Hank Green, and a handful of other men ate their food way too fast and then accused Henry of hoarding extra food for himself.

Speaker 3 No, in this case, he actually wasn't.

Speaker 3 I think.

Speaker 3 You got to love housing the food. Goes so good.
You've got more. What the fuck?

Speaker 3 You've been hiding it. No, I'm not.
I'm not. You didn't give us any.
Yes, you just ate it all. No.

Speaker 3 The men swore they saw extra food being hidden from the rest of the guys, and technically they were right. But the reason it wasn't distributed is because the food was rancid and inedible.

Speaker 3 So he did leave some food, but it's not edible. It's just like piles of meat with flies on it.
Look at that. What's that there? He's got delicious meat.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I wouldn't eat that. Well, Abby, look, the flies like it.
That's nice. It's gotta be good.
Let's have a bite.

Speaker 3 Look, it's all runny.

Speaker 3 Oh, he's got beef soupy stuff.

Speaker 3 Do not eat that. Look, it falls apart your hand.

Speaker 3 My hand's burning just from touching it.

Speaker 3 There's good meat he's got here.

Speaker 3 So the crew is adamant that it is time to go home, which considering everything they've been through, it's probably the right idea. Well, is he putting up a fight? Well, he had other plans.

Speaker 3 Hey, what do you say now that we've got momentum, we get on the road? Let's get going.

Speaker 3 All right. Quick pivot.
All right. Canada.
Gentlemen, that was step one.

Speaker 3 Now that we're really finding our groove,

Speaker 3 six are are dead. Oh, hold on.
All right. Enough.

Speaker 3 He is dead set on finding the Northwest Passage to the Pacific Ocean. This motherfucker.

Speaker 3 At least that's what he said he wanted, but he spent an inordinate amount of time just kind of farting around the bay.

Speaker 3 Dude. So this leads to...
He's lonely. Well, this leads to speculation that he's not just looking for the passage, but was looking for secret treasure.
Oh.

Speaker 3 That honestly, something has to make sense.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go off and do another one of my fun digs.

Speaker 3 And again, not a big thing. He meticulously sounded and mapped the coast four more times.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. Do we know if he was looking for treasure? Maybe he's just lost it.
I mean, that's what some of them. But we don't know.
Well,

Speaker 3 there was a theory that he did succumb to like a type of madness. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But we don't know. But it's not.

Speaker 3 First of all, I can't believe we're naming waters after this guy. But also,

Speaker 3 a lot of waters. Treasure would be.
Treasure would make a lot of sense. Yeah, right.
But wouldn't that be in his journal? But yeah, no, not necessarily. I mean, well, also, his journals don't make it.

Speaker 3 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 On the 22nd of June. Just a recipe book for Moss and Frog.

Speaker 3 On the 22nd of June. Frogs and Treat.

Speaker 3 On the 22nd of June, the Grumblers could no longer take it, and it's mutiny time. Good.

Speaker 3 And they leapt into it, and they tied up Henry and his son John, plus a few other crew members who sort of seemed like they were loyal to Henry.

Speaker 3 A few were probably just too weak to fight and may have just died on the journey back anyway. So they may have, that's why they may have.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, I got no problem with taking the weak and saying they're part of the problem. At this point, I'm big into that.
Yeah, I know you are.

Speaker 3 They forced. Twiggy, Twiggy, get on the fire.

Speaker 3 I'm dying anyway. Yeah, go on.

Speaker 3 They force Henry and the other prisoners onto a small boat, and with some clothes, swords, gunpowder, and shot, a cooking pot, and a little bit of food and drink, and of course, a Bible.

Speaker 3 Although some versions have them putting Henry in the small boat with no supplies and just telling them to fuck off. That makes way more sense.
And as this.

Speaker 3 Why are you doing like a top chef episode? Yeah, it's very weird. I don't think they, based on what these guys have done, I don't think they gave them anything.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 crazy to just be like, all right, and here's your severance.

Speaker 3 Here you are. A pot and some ingredients.
Have a good stew.

Speaker 3 I mean, you have the guys that you hate, right? Henry and your son. And then.
And you're low on everything.

Speaker 3 And the other guys they're putting in there because they're basically like, well, they're going to die anyway. Sure.
Right. So why would they?

Speaker 3 Would you like some coffee?

Speaker 3 Johnson, what's the plan? I probably will die this afternoon, sir. All right.
All right. Let's You'll be my first mate.
Let's give him some peppermint box. All right, here we are.
Oh, come on, boys.

Speaker 3 I feel the blood returning to my loins. Anyone else?

Speaker 3 She's dead, sir.

Speaker 3 I don't have loins anymore.

Speaker 3 Most of us have died already, sir. Fill ain't me loins.
All right.

Speaker 3 Ah, momentum.

Speaker 3 So now the ships are drifting apart, right?

Speaker 3 And Henry shouts to the mutineers that they should beware of Jewett and his deceitful nature. What?

Speaker 3 Jewett's the problem.

Speaker 3 He's a fucking Muppet. He sucks.

Speaker 3 But the men shouted back that Jewett had nothing to do with it. It was Green who led the mutiny.

Speaker 3 So that's his fault. Does he want the jacket back?

Speaker 3 You don't take the jacket back. You also don't, you fucking, you treat your spy like a queen.
queen, right? Yes. I mean, so bad.
Yeah, he's got the fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So the way you Epstein it. So the guys tried to follow the big ship back to England using just the oars and paddling as much as they could themselves.
Saddest shit ever.

Speaker 3 They must have been laughing watching that. Wait up.

Speaker 3 But that effort was completely insane, and they quickly found out that it absolutely would not work.

Speaker 3 So Green takes over as captain, even though he's not a sailor at all, but he led the mutiny.

Speaker 3 After a month... We should go to North America.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 It's a good idea. After a month of just kind of meandering all over the place, trying to figure out which way England was.
Wow. They managed to come upon an Inuit settlement and bartered for food.

Speaker 3 And Green and five men... took a boat to the village to get more food when someone said something that was super insulting and then the Inuits attacked them.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Only two of the men survived. One who did not survive was new captain, gambler, spy, non-sailor, Henry Greene.
Damn it. He had a hell of a run, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Jewett died a grisly death from starvation on the ship. Okay.

Speaker 3 Every single leader of the mutiny also died in some form or fashion. Only eight crew members made it back to the UK alive, landing in Ireland on September 6th, 1611.

Speaker 3 When they did, they were also all very close to death and had only been surviving by eating bird bones fried in candle grease.

Speaker 3 That might, that, that really,

Speaker 3 outside of cannibalism, that might be the worst thing ever eaten on the show.

Speaker 3 Bird bones fried in candle grease.

Speaker 3 That's actually a food truck I'm opening up. Oh, that sounds like a candle scent from Dollar General.
Bird bones.

Speaker 3 They finally made it home to London on October 20th after a year and five months of just total nightmarish catastrophe. Like nothing was good.

Speaker 3 The men had

Speaker 3 a different homecoming

Speaker 3 than they expected. They were immediately charged with mutiny.

Speaker 3 But the trial doesn't happen for seven years.

Speaker 3 But also, what are you supposed to do in that situation?

Speaker 3 Well, I think if you were like you're just supposed to.

Speaker 3 If you roll back in and

Speaker 3 the captain is gone and the sun, it's very obvious what happened. So anybody that rolls in in that situation.
You're going to bring them with you? But they're going to, just for future journeys,

Speaker 3 they're going to try the crew. Right.
Just for, just to like make sure that

Speaker 3 people know, don't fuck around.

Speaker 3 but the trial doesn't happen for seven years so in that time period several of the men died um and because there were only a few survivors and nobody could really refute their story the guys were acquitted

Speaker 3 uh one reason they were let off the hook they had valuable information about the new world so these were some of the only guys to go

Speaker 3 see all that shit and by the way there

Speaker 3 i mean they did they have a lot of information i mean well they went to delaware and new york and like

Speaker 3 a decent amount. Sure.

Speaker 3 And this is an extremely valuable amount of information. Henry's logs and maps spurred massive interest and investment in colonizing America.
Awesome.

Speaker 3 So we owe him a real debt. So we got a bunch of dead whales and we got America.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Two of the survivors, whether from guilt or just wanting another paying gig, returned to America to try and find Henry. Oh my God.

Speaker 3 He's with the gnomes. That had to have been guilty.
He's with the gnomes man henry welcome back every 20 years holy

Speaker 3 look at him

Speaker 3 i'm not feeling good yeah

Speaker 3 would you like a frog and moss

Speaker 3 but no evidence of him or covered in sores no evidence of him or the other doomed crewmates were ever found wow the assumption is they all died from freezing cold yes after hudson's death his wife catherine was completely broke and she convinced the company of gentlemen to send a rescue ship but it found nothing.

Speaker 3 Oh my god. Oh my god.
She also tried desperately. Why would she want him back? I don't know.
Well, because she is a woman in the 1600s, like without him, she can't do anything.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but she can't own anything. She can't get a job.

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 3 okay.

Speaker 3 She also tried desperately to get some sort of payout since her husband died for the prince and his mission. But in response, she was called, quote, that troublesome and impatient woman.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, look, lady, fate dealt you a shit hand. Sorry.
That's it.

Speaker 3 Your life's over. Wrap it up.
He's dead. Your life is ended.
Stop whining. You attach yourself to this fucking anchor.
Not. But you got such an issue with it.
Why didn't you have a penis?

Speaker 3 In response, sorry, but she refused to back down and finally received some compensation, which she used to invest in a journey to India to find some riches of her own. And apparently she

Speaker 3 strikes paid her apparently without any approval. She used the ship's credit to buy a shit ton of indigo and extremely valuable textiles.
So she made money. She made cash.
It's just

Speaker 3 she should have used the ship to fucking do that. Like, fuck them.
It also is just,

Speaker 3 it just,

Speaker 3 it's just, this is such an encapsulation of all of the bullshit. It's just these.

Speaker 3 It's like a rich white dipshit with a bunch of other, like, idiot whites

Speaker 3 goes all over the place trying to be in charge, fucking everything up along the way, and just creating chaos and murder and burning bridges all over the place.

Speaker 3 The whole thing they're doing is to find great riches.

Speaker 3 He's putting his wife in peril, and at the end of the day, he and all of them basically die or their lives are ruined, And then she goes off with one idea and strikes. That's right.

Speaker 3 And we saw that and went, the moral of this story is: don't trust the natives, and women shouldn't be allowed to do shit. That's right.

Speaker 3 She sued the company to get them to pay for everything, and wanting her to go away forever, they agreed to a settlement.

Speaker 3 And then she sold all her wares for an absurd amount of money and retired incredibly rich. Love it.
With any story like the mutiny and leaving them at sea in a boat, some legends have sprung up.

Speaker 3 Because if you don't have a body, then people go crazy with the stories. Like the Velvis.

Speaker 3 Some of the men, some have the men settling on the land and thriving in partnership with the local natives.

Speaker 3 Nope.

Speaker 3 But one local

Speaker 3 one Intuit folktale may shed light on a possible outcome. It says that a group of natives came upon a boat of dead white guys, and there was a single survivor, a young man, probably

Speaker 3 Henry's son John. Not knowing what the hell to do with this kid, they came to the only conclusion that made sense for the little white boy.

Speaker 3 They tied him up outside their huts with the dogs and treated him as a pet until he died. Oh my god.
Oh my God.

Speaker 3 You had a bad dad. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Oh, man.

Speaker 3 So maybe we let him go.

Speaker 3 Maybe we bring him in and we teach him our culture.

Speaker 3 Maybe we tie him up and make him a dog. Yeah, okay.
I like that.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine? So I'm their dog.

Speaker 3 Henry obviously never found a path to Asia, but his adventures sparked an appetite for exploring and colonizing North America.

Speaker 3 And despite the fact that he was a huge failure as a captain and a total and complete dick, his name is fucking everywhere. Yeah, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 And there are memorials of him and the sacklers and his crew all across America and Canada, Hudson Bay, Hudson River, etc., on and on.

Speaker 3 Thanks to Henry Hudson, the Dutch went into a fervor of exploration of the era they called New Amsterdam and what we now call New York.

Speaker 3 Also, the whaling industry, walrus, ivory industry, and fur trade up in Canada is pretty much all because of Henry Hudson. Nice.

Speaker 3 If Hudson had never defied his orders and undertaken a doomed quest that ultimately ended in a freezing, starving death, both America and the UK may not have been as powerful as they've become from the 17th century all the way to now.

Speaker 3 And as a memorial, he is the number one guy in history with the most water named after him. Wow.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's yeah. Think of all the things named Hudson.
Well, no, I mean,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 3 But where. Remember, the Hudson Bay Company.
The Hudson Strait is enormous. And then the Hudson Bay Company becomes the big fucking company in North America.
Hudson River Valley. Hudson River Valley.

Speaker 3 There's so many. Yeah.
So I'm trying to

Speaker 3 determine

Speaker 3 if there's like a festival for the

Speaker 3 cat skills and the gnomes. Oh, shit.
Yeah. Well, let me read the source.
Okay. Half Moon by Douglas Hunter, Fatal Journey by Peter Man Call,

Speaker 3 Ian Chadwick, Folklore, AmericanFolklore.net, Thieves, Rogues, and Renegades, and worldhistory.org, Henry Hudson, and research by Josh Androwski. Such a fucking, that is so fucking crazy.
Isn't it?

Speaker 3 I didn't even, you know what? I didn't even know. And Josh is just like, what should we do next? And I was just like, I bet Henry Hudson's a crazy story.
I had no idea.

Speaker 3 I didn't even read anything about it. I was just like, I bet Henry Hudson's nuts.
And I just had him do it. And then he sent it to me.
And I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 That's, it's insane. It's insane how much of our things are named after

Speaker 3 half-wit douchebag assholes. Like, so much of America is just named after fuckheads.
But, but, like. So history is written down by the winners.
Yes. Well, right.
So in this case.

Speaker 3 But this guy is a fucking loser. But he wasn't, though, because he spurred

Speaker 3 the rush for money. He's the seed for.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there's money over there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's what he is. He's the seed for, hey, you can make money.
So if we go back in time and we want to really pull the plug on being colonizing fucks.

Speaker 3 But I think we just kill Henry Helm. If he doesn't do it,

Speaker 3 another guy does it. Yeah, it's a when, not it.
You're not going to stop it. Once they have the ships and the means.

Speaker 3 They're going to send wave after wave of dude.

Speaker 3 Which, by the way, wave after wave of dude is what we're calling our next tour. It's just an alt title for point break.

Speaker 3 But in 2029, we will be doing a live show at the Catskills if America still exists. We will be doing the Catskills show.

Speaker 3 It's called the

Speaker 3 Half Home Gnome.

Speaker 3 That is wild, man. Yeah.
That's

Speaker 3 some weird, wild stuff.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani. My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 2 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 3 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 3 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 3 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 1 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

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