152 - The Past Times with Knowledge Fight

Speaker 1 A couple things real quick on our YouTube. You can go there right now and we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation.
We're starting to post that.

Speaker 1 That's the Dollop podcast. Go there and watch it.
And we also, on November 24th, are going to be doing a live event.

Speaker 1 Dave and I are going to be raising money for the Hollywood Food Coalition live on our YouTube at 6 p.m.

Speaker 1 Pacific time, where we are watching Cats the Musical, the movie that everybody really was excited about. You can join us there at the Dollop podcast.
That's our YouTube.

Speaker 1 Go there, join, subscribe, set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff. But we're going to be watching it live.
Dave, are you excited?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 But our friend Stu, who's been a listener for a long time, matched our goal and has already sent $10,000 to

Speaker 3 Food Coalition. So thank you, Stu.
You are, as always, a great, great gentleman.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not on the GoFundMe. We've posted a link to the GoFundMe.
You can go on our socials and find that. But Stu just gave them 10 grand from us.

Speaker 2 So amazing.

Speaker 1 So we're watching cats, and it's supposed to be really good. So you can watch live with us 6 p.m.
on November 24th.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, welcome to the pastimes. It's a podcast.

Speaker 2 Some of us have cats present. By the way, we should get a a cat for the studio.
You know what we do here each week. We go through a newspaper

Speaker 2 picked out by none other than Dave Anthony from a random date in history. I, Gareth

Speaker 2 Reynolds, have never seen it. Neither have this week's guest.
It's a twofer, the hosts of knowledge fight. Dan and Jordan are here.
Jordan Holmes, Dan Friesen, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 2 Thanks for having us.

Speaker 2 Yes, thank you so much for having us. And I was just talking to Jordan again about the story where I keep thinking thinking I'm doing shows with him.

Speaker 2 And then I keep going like, why am I doing a show with Jordan? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Do you remember when we went to the- The problem with never meeting someone face-to-face. Do you remember the number of people who do not respond to my emails?

Speaker 2 And yet you respond to other people's not my emails. Well, the one time we went back and forth, I think was through Twitter.

Speaker 2 Sure, but I was crazy back then. Well, and then you deleted Twitter like eight times.
Exactly. So then it was hard to track you.
You're on it again, right? You're on Twitter now? No, you're on.

Speaker 2 I'm off all social media. I'm off basically the internet, pretty much.
Because you can't trust yourself.

Speaker 2 Nope. One day he's just going to get into a fight with somebody who wrote an op-ed, and it's going to spiral out of control.
And their name's going to be Gareth, and it's going to be a final payback.

Speaker 2 Well, thank you guys for being here. And sorry I didn't make it to lunch.

Speaker 2 Where were we, Chicago? We were in Chicago, and Gareth just decided not to come because he's not a nice person. That's That's right.

Speaker 2 There was no reason for it. Well, Jordan's off the internet.
I'm off lunches.

Speaker 2 And I was like, it was a great lunch. We had the best time.
Oh, he did talk it up a lot.

Speaker 2 The cornbread. The cornbread.

Speaker 2 The cornbread.

Speaker 2 So we cornbreaded it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It was great.
At the risk of being sincere, we did really genuinely have a nice time. It was great.
Thank you. It's hard to make friends in middle age, you know?

Speaker 2 It's hard to just have a talk with a man. That's crazy.
Well, that's the price. Get on the internet, would you? That'll That'll fill the whole thing.
The weather was perfect for outdoor dining.

Speaker 2 It was like a nice Chicago day.

Speaker 2 I'm inside only, so I don't want to sit outside with you fringe loonies.

Speaker 2 Kamala.

Speaker 2 Fair. We should say that for people who don't know,

Speaker 2 their podcast is Knowledge Fight, and they sadly have chosen

Speaker 2 maybe

Speaker 2 the worst choice for a podcast because they have to listen to people like Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson. I was just going to say, you've

Speaker 2 really made an error with their live. Yeah,

Speaker 2 you switched drugs a little bit and started being Tucker guys.

Speaker 2 And you know what's fucked up about that is that Alex Jones has one of the most annoying and awful voices you can have to listen to.

Speaker 2 And when we've started to cover Tucker, everyone is so mad about his voice. And like, really? They're like, I want to listen to the angry, growly Texan guy.
I don't want to listen to this.

Speaker 2 The snarky.

Speaker 2 Who wins in a fight as far as the worst thing to listen to, Alex Jones' voice or Tucker's laugh?

Speaker 2 Tucker's laugh for sure.

Speaker 2 By the single streaming thing.

Speaker 2 Do you know what it is? It's like this, right?

Speaker 2 Alex Jones is a bully, right? Yes. And if you get bullied by a bully, hey, that's how it works.
Tucker Carlson's a fucking, he needs to be in a toilet somewhere getting a swirly.

Speaker 2 You don't want to get bullied by a nerd. That sucks.
That's bullshit. Yeah, that's 100%.

Speaker 2 Bully shit. He has always struck me as like he's the softest man on television.
He looks like he was, he came out of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Like he's just a soft man.

Speaker 2 He looks like he would be freaking out in a hunting shop about a duck collar.

Speaker 2 I want my money back. It just is bow tie.
Women have power society collapses. Is that weird? I don't know.
Some people think so.

Speaker 2 When did he stop wearing the bow tie? When he got shamed

Speaker 2 pretty hard. Really? I think Jon Stewart might have shamed him enough to get the bow tie gone.
At least that's my memory.

Speaker 2 That's probably not. Say what you will about Jon Stewart.
There's a lot of, he's really gone into the lion's den and sorted a number of beasts. Like, he really has.
Fashion choices of awful people.

Speaker 2 He's fast. I mean,

Speaker 2 he did stop the Iraq war.

Speaker 2 Is that what we're talking about?

Speaker 2 He was like, oh, I'm going to put the hypocrisy on blast.

Speaker 2 And the Iraq war is over.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He was the Tiananmen Square guy, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he loved it, I think. Yeah, that's right.
Is that right?

Speaker 2 Well, guys, we're going to go through a newspaper. It's going to be old.

Speaker 2 We guess what year the paper is from. Since there's two of you, this is going to complicate Dave's cheating ways.

Speaker 2 But why don't you guys have a two-year-old that you won all of you? Dan, do you want to, Dan, do you, Dave,

Speaker 2 Dan, do you want to guess first what year you think this paper could be from? Yeah, I'm going to say

Speaker 2 1932.

Speaker 2 Good guess. Jordan, you're off the internet.
Maybe that helps me.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 I think we're queued up for some good shit. So I'm going to go with 1881.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go with 1899. Ooh, you're wrong.
It is 1896. So if we split.

Speaker 2 If we split in the middle,

Speaker 2 I think that. I was three years off.
That's incredible. I think that they win because

Speaker 2 the one that's in the middle is the loss, and the bookends are the winners

Speaker 2 because there's three people. It's like listening to Dumbwill Hunting.
No, there's three people.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's Price's right showcase rules. Can't go over.

Speaker 2 You can't go over.

Speaker 4 You can go over.

Speaker 2 Can we make Dumbwill Hunting? Dumbwill Hunting? They just come back at the chalkboards like a penis. What the hell?

Speaker 2 What is this? How about them? Wait. Is it a pineapple? You like apples? Yeah, I do.
I love them.

Speaker 2 I love apples.

Speaker 2 They got a really good nice crunch.

Speaker 2 I like pink ladies. Those are my favorite.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Dumbwheel hunting. May 1st, 1896, the Chicago Chronicle.
Ooh. Because you guys are there.

Speaker 2 Close to home.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you boys. Hometown people.
Hey, maybe we'll talk about that cornbread we were all munching up at lunch the other day. I swear, if there's not an article about the cornbread in this 18.

Speaker 2 How good was that? And that waitress? Whoa, with the fingers?

Speaker 2 That was crazy.

Speaker 2 So. Can you guys hear us? I just want to make because nobody's reacting.
Okay. No, these mics are worth it.
Okay, yeah, I just want to make sure. Yeah, it's not.
It hasn't been good. Okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 our selector of articles wrote, I picked articles that sounded like it was about Alex Jones, a conspiracy theory Alex Jones would make up, or a news story he would put on, bring up on InfoWars.

Speaker 2 And Dan and Jordan can be the judge of which category. I don't like the creative.

Speaker 2 You know, he's mad with power. He should be fought.
But here's the reason I like it is because I don't have to do anything.

Speaker 2 I said that again, a big issue for me. I like you tired and angry at me.

Speaker 2 Fled from the asylum, escaped lunatic, arrested. That's about you, huh?

Speaker 2 Michael Jablonski, a laborer.

Speaker 2 A laborer. That's the most Chicago name for the time period.

Speaker 2 I feel like you just wrote an entire book of Polish jokes.

Speaker 2 You're offensive. He escaped.

Speaker 2 He escaped from the asylum to go get a beef.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you telling me Jablonski left the asylum? Shit.

Speaker 2 Jablonski's out again. God damn it.
Needed some Jardinera.

Speaker 2 It's definitely like if you've asked ChatGPT for a Chicago name. Jablonski.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He's the Jablonski kid. They put him in the asylum, but he took off.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Jablonski's out again.
Shit.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Has anyone been to Jablonski's room? He's just used the sheets at the window again.

Speaker 2 Do you you know what he did at the barbecue? Do you know what he fucking did? Okay. Fucking Jablonski.
Jablonski ruined my birthday.

Speaker 2 Jablonski's drinking again, boys.

Speaker 2 He's back on it. Hide your malor.

Speaker 2 Don't play Paradise. Jablonski's coming in.
Hey, what's going on, Jablonski?

Speaker 2 Hey, you know what the news on Jablonski is? Found God. Found it.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Boys never got into the program. The program worked.
Found God.

Speaker 2 Getting a drink with him later. Did you hear Jablonski got kicked out of the church? No.
Yeah. Freaked out.
Kicked the priest.

Speaker 2 The stag of Jablonski is the story of Chicago. That's that's the

Speaker 2 Jablonski starting his own religion.

Speaker 2 It's about sausages. It's sausage.
It's about

Speaker 2 a laborer living at 4852 Cook Street, you guys know where that is,

Speaker 2 was sent to Dunning some weeks ago because he persisted in trying to make people believe he was richer than the Vanderbilts and abused his family when they would not believe him. Well,

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 who's opposed to the behavior? Because I'll start. I'm in.
I'm good.

Speaker 2 It is very Chicago to make yourself seem richer than you are.

Speaker 2 That checks out.

Speaker 2 This is considerably richer. So I had butted mom because she said I wasn't a Vanderbilt.

Speaker 2 She's got this enormous attitude.

Speaker 2 I was going to say, I'm trying to think of the actual real-world context where this guy is insinuating to his kids, like, hey, did you know I'm a Vanderbilt? Why are you saying this, Dad?

Speaker 2 I didn't ask. Because daddy bought you a train.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Why is he doing this to his children?

Speaker 2 You guys know your dad's a Vanderbilt, basically.

Speaker 2 We didn't ask, Dad.

Speaker 2 I have a lot of money, and I have it in a lot of places. That's great! That's great! That's great! Just don't hit us.
That's why I got a whole sausage religion now. I got to go fight your grandpa.

Speaker 2 I'll be right back, okay?

Speaker 2 Your grandpa says I'm poor.

Speaker 2 Your grandpa's got this crazy. Your grandpa needs to be in an asylum.
He's a real Jablanski.

Speaker 2 Is this what landed landed Jablansky in the asylum? Is this what we're saying?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 2 It's not the hitting his kids. That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Honestly, the way the pacing's going, we may never get there.

Speaker 2 We may just say that. How many articles do you have queued up, or do we just going to get through this first sentence or two? Each episode's five sentences.

Speaker 2 Five sentences of actual text.

Speaker 2 In some manner, he escaped from the institution and yesterday reappeared at his old home, much to the consternation of his relatives. I like that he does that in like a smoke cloud.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in some manner.

Speaker 2 That needs to be explored. Oh, no.
Now, who said I ain't a Vanderbilt? Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Would a non-Vanderbilt have this many sausages in his pockets? Jesus Christ, Chaplansky.

Speaker 2 The stockyards police. Alright, so it's the stockyards.
So the stockyards police were notified, and he was taken to the station and will be returned to the asylum.

Speaker 2 You boys, I can give you a lot of money to not take me downtown. I don't know if you're hurt.
I'm doing quite well.

Speaker 2 I don't like this plan at all. I don't like this plan at all.
You guys don't have, you haven't figured out in what manner he escaped. You can't just take him back right away.
Right?

Speaker 2 You got to figure out the...

Speaker 2 You're just leaving the door open for another mouse, my friend. Yeah, there's a lot of holes.
I'm guessing it was the door.

Speaker 2 You know, like this is the 1800s. Yeah, he probably timed it right and just walked out.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How the hell did Houdini get out of this room?

Speaker 2 Hey, Kevin, the door's open. Stay in.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he really, he said, and I quote, I won't leave.

Speaker 2 This guy's a genius.

Speaker 2 Daniel McCaffrey, a saloon owner at Root Street, was locked up in the stockyard station yesterday. His relatives think that his mind is impaired.
McCaffrey has been ailing lately.

Speaker 2 Oh, they just threw that in.

Speaker 2 That's just a separate guy? That's a separate guy. They just tossed in.
Sure.

Speaker 2 This guy's also off.

Speaker 2 Also, McCaffrey's a problem.

Speaker 2 He was a crazy man.

Speaker 2 Also, McCaffrey's been struggling. Hey, we did it.
It's like a sport. It's like an IR report.

Speaker 2 Look, we did a story about a Polish guy. We got to throw in some kind of Irish thing in there.

Speaker 2 Jablotsky's out for the year, but McCaffrey's not looking like he'll play for a while either.

Speaker 2 And now, starting for your Chicago asylums.

Speaker 2 How a man may float. Ah, this is about witches.
Finally,

Speaker 2 it has been proved that a man weighing 160 pounds needs only about 200 cubic inches of air within his body in order to float with his head above water.

Speaker 2 Is the author Willy Wonka? Completely insane. Like, why would you want to know that? What could this serve? Sir, how much air to make a man be a balloon?

Speaker 2 Kids, kids, hear this. It takes 200 some odd for the...
I am a Vanderbilt, goddammit.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, look at Jablinsky.

Speaker 2 Jablenzi's going through the sky again.

Speaker 2 This amount of air is easily inserted into the hollow space beneath the skin by means of an aseptic syringe. Hold on, this just is

Speaker 2 a very crazy ass turn. The story changed.

Speaker 2 They are air-inflating. They are.
Now, who's first?

Speaker 2 Lost the die, boys. Let's get that air under that skin.
This started with like... So what we're going to do.
This started with just like a really boring, hey, here's how you hold your breath article.

Speaker 2 And now it's... And then it got syringe.
And then the guy pulls out a needle and you're like, wait, what? He's like, and today, one of you is going to figure it out. Hey,

Speaker 2 researcher, man, listen, I can just breathe in the air. We don't have to do my blood.
Who wants an air bubble in in your bloodstream?

Speaker 2 Come on,

Speaker 2 do you? Do you want an air bubble in your bloodstream? It'll kill you. Don't.

Speaker 2 But you'll be able to float. $5.

Speaker 2 $5.

Speaker 2 Well, another man just dead from air blood.

Speaker 2 This thing that humans can't do, float.

Speaker 2 I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get a man to float.

Speaker 2 Even simpler is the use of a hollow needle with a thin rubber hose 18 inches long into which this needle is inserted.

Speaker 2 A little aseptic cotton placed at the open end of the rubber hose is all that is required.

Speaker 2 The skin is simply raised, the hollow needle introduced into it, and then another end of the rubber tube is taken into the mouth and the man's own breath blown into it.

Speaker 2 Two deep respirations which are blown into each side of the breast would

Speaker 2 be amply sufficient to float a man, however heavy.

Speaker 2 So sharks, I'm looking for $50,000 for 5%.

Speaker 2 This reminds me of when that guy advertised a cure for Ebola, and one of the ingredients was a little bit of Ebola. And a little whiskey.
Yeah. Like, this is going to murder you.
This is a murder

Speaker 2 recipe here. But

Speaker 2 I'm trying to trace this in my brain. So you need to have the needle and the tube goes to your mouth, and then

Speaker 2 or you exhale and that will let you float. Whereas you could just inhale and you would float.
Yeah, but I'm also inflating your tits in it though. Look, I'm all

Speaker 2 going to have fun, shove a tire inflator up your ass. But, you know, don't do it without a ton of stuff.
No one talks about that, but that's obviously a big... It's a good way to do it.

Speaker 2 And then when you stop, that little thing comes out, the little tire thermometer. Oh, I'm at 45.

Speaker 2 I'm really quite comfortable. I'm going to float real well.
Oh, my lord. Here, get my valve cap.
I don't want to leak it.

Speaker 2 Hey, Jimmy, what are you doing? I'm getting ready to go swimming. I'm going to go to the moon.

Speaker 2 Another man dead from airblood.

Speaker 2 This should not have been printed. No,

Speaker 2 honestly, it's only bad for a society.

Speaker 2 Although when it was, this guy was like, oh, boy, I've arrived.

Speaker 3 Garrett, the pastimes is brought to you by Cash App. We both use Cash App.
We are Cash Appers, as they're called in the business. I send Gareth Cash App money.
Sometimes he'll send me Cash App money.

Speaker 3 Sometimes we'll send Luke Cash App money. Sometimes he'll send my son Cash App money.
You see the pattern, don't you?

Speaker 1 That you're saying it a lot, I guess, because

Speaker 3 I use Cash App. Okay.
Yeah.

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Speaker 3 Yeah, girl. Yeah, girl.

Speaker 2 St. Joe suburb has a ghost.
Yeah. You guys know that.

Speaker 2 You're from there. Everyone knows about that.
Sure. Yeah.
St. Joe's suburb ghost.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Residents of Missouri Town terrified by a female specter. Ooh, a lady.

Speaker 2 Always a lady. That's pretty.
I believe they like to be called apparitions. There's a difference.
Men are ghosts, women are apparitions.

Speaker 2 A ghost is haunting Saxton Heights,

Speaker 2 a suburb of this city, in the form of a woman who flits about under the trees at night and screams until the residents

Speaker 2 and screams until the residents of that vicinity are awakened. Oh my God, she's like a horror chicken.

Speaker 2 She's like the worst rooster ever. She's under a tree screaming.

Speaker 2 All flitting and flirting about.

Speaker 2 I guess we're selling the house.

Speaker 2 I don't know what else to do with this. Make sure to do the viewing during the day.
At five it's real bad

Speaker 2 suburbs ghosts in uh in movies you know there's not many cul-de-sacs haunted by uh tragic uh suicides that's right i think i think feel like poltergeist everyone's like that they did it

Speaker 2 and now the suburbs haunted it is an annoying ghost though to just stand under a tree screaming

Speaker 2 you want it's reminiscent of somebody who left some clothes up there and maybe there's a cat nearby yeah

Speaker 2 all she wants. She wants her jacket down.
That's all she wants. Getting here!

Speaker 2 Jesus, lady.

Speaker 2 The article seems very anti-ghost.

Speaker 2 They do say that she's flitting around. They trivialize her actions.
She's not like walking with a purpose or anything.

Speaker 2 That's really nice to have someone representing the ghost. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We don't ghost shame on this podcast. No.
We're not ghost shamers. No, we're into them.
Yeah. We love them.
They have every reason to exist as anybody else.

Speaker 2 Is that all she's up to? Is she just sitting under this tree?

Speaker 2 It sounds like it. So the specter has been seen and heard on several occasions, but nobody has been able to get close enough to make an investigation.
It's so fucking

Speaker 2 a tree. What are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to get up there? What do you got? A ladder? It's 1891.
We want to see you in the next for another four years.

Speaker 2 You don't need a ladder. I got some syringes I could put in your kits.
You guys want to float? You guys want to float up to that ghost, my buddy.

Speaker 2 You guys want to go see that tree ghost? I got an idea. You ever put a hose up your ass and just exhaled? I have.

Speaker 2 Now blow me. Jesus, he's dead.
Now blow me, so I go over there.

Speaker 2 There's another ghost flitting about in the trees tonight.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was the guy who was trying to fill up his chest the other day.

Speaker 2 Last Sunday night, 100 people heard the screams of the supposed ghost, and many of them arose and dressed. Time to get up.
Well, we should probably go see that.

Speaker 2 Therefore, the ghost was time to go to work, boys.

Speaker 2 But no one could get close enough.

Speaker 2 She's like a rainbow.

Speaker 2 All right, everybody, let's spend the next 15 minutes getting our clothes on so we can go walk outside to not get close to a ghost that doesn't exist.

Speaker 2 This is pretty stressful out here.

Speaker 2 A number of men went into the grove nearby from whence the unearthly screams were coming.

Speaker 2 And while they could still hear it, while they could still hear moaning as if someone was in mortal agony, they could see nothing.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 what's worse? The moaning of an agonized ghost or the screaming of a ghost? Hmm. Screaming.

Speaker 2 Moaning's not moaning's very

Speaker 2 moaning's attractive. I like it.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it's not like a ghost like, oh,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah. No.

Speaker 2 That's it. What's a haunting? What's a what's an upsetting moan then to you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That sounds more like you're you're floating and you've sprung a hole. That's that doesn't that's not a moan.

Speaker 2 I'm floating and I've sprung a hole.

Speaker 2 An upsetting moan is when my wife says, Gareth.

Speaker 2 That's whenever.

Speaker 2 Not for all of us, huh? Yeah, I had a boy.

Speaker 2 I quit five years ago. I haven't done a single jet.
So that's still

Speaker 2 my wife hates it when I moan, Gareth. You know what I mean? My girlfriend said, stop doing it when I moaned Gareth 34.

Speaker 2 Oh, Gareth.

Speaker 2 And she doesn't even think I'm a Vanderbilt man.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy, this ends so good. Whoa.
A hunting party will be organized

Speaker 2 for the purpose of capturing the ghosts. Well, if you want your ghost, I'll go out there at night and shoot it in.
Of course, that's exactly right.

Speaker 2 An Australian guy comes through and he's like, well, I can't. The problem with your ghost is you've not shot it yet.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 I'll bring the B said back for 500 large.

Speaker 2 You'll have your ghost by dawn.

Speaker 2 I love a time in the world when a respectable paper can publish a ghost hunting party. Like, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Ghost hunting party.
There should be. There should be.
He just comes back with an alligator head. There's your ghost.

Speaker 2 Dead. Dead to roystead.
Alligator hunts just moaning.

Speaker 2 If they were all wearing their clan outfits it'd get real confusing about

Speaker 2 find a lot of ghosts

Speaker 2 uh sold his soul to the devil

Speaker 2 strange discovery in connection with the quaranta murder case

Speaker 2 another oh this is out of providence road island another and a decidedly uncanny chapter in the quantum murder mystery was developed today when Coroner Lincoln fled his,

Speaker 2 sorry, filed his report upon the death of the Italian. Oh boy.
And it was probably I Italian at this time.

Speaker 2 That's not like a code name. That's just offensive.

Speaker 2 It's like a richie name? Like, oh, this is, oh, it's the Italian. Oh, okay.
I got you. We all know the Italian.
He sends it.

Speaker 2 Corrento was a laborer who resided in the

Speaker 2 Charles Street colony. He disappeared last August, and his body was afterward found in Leonard's Pond.
Fucking Leonard.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, every Italian dies in Leonard's Pond. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's another accident. Another Italian Italian tried to swim and died in olive oil that came out of him.

Speaker 2 A long section of heavy pipe had been attached to his body, and his skull had been fractured by a blow from a club. So here's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 2 We think it was a suicide. We're pretty sure it was a suicide.
Pretty well. We're 100% sure this is a suicide.
It looks like he drowned himself. I don't know.
He got a lot of pipe on him.

Speaker 2 What? He was trying to make a pipe soup. Hey, he's a guy.
Look, another case of a guy trying to give himself outside plumbing.

Speaker 2 He drowned himself with pipe.

Speaker 2 Drowned himself with

Speaker 2 Leonard is furious. Leonard said, God damn, I fucking pond.

Speaker 2 I gave this guy $500.

Speaker 2 According to the general belief, Giovanni Quaranta was a man of mystery. Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Sure.

Speaker 2 All his neighbors believed that he had sold his soul to the devil and that his satanic majesty waited upon his beck and call. Jesus, that's a good guy.
He's really good at the guitar then. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, but man.

Speaker 2 They were like, holy shit, this guy, you cannot be this good. But get an axe in his name.

Speaker 2 Is this the victim?

Speaker 2 yes

Speaker 2 alleged yeah we're we're talking shit about the victim okay just making sure it's it's america

Speaker 2 they said he had a strong influence over them and could make them do anything he desired uh he's fucking he's

Speaker 2 i mean i don't know he's fucking married ladies that's my guess oh

Speaker 2 um that's a weird investigation you've conducted that's where i go to doctors you know i think this guy's probably fucking wives dave that's a bitch that's coming up a lot in these investments.

Speaker 2 I mean, look, it all comes together, right? Guy's a wife fucker. Pipe on the body.

Speaker 2 Lay in the body. Who's laying pipe now, Jablonski? Thank you.
Sausages, air tits. Come on.

Speaker 2 Dr. Spagnolo told the coroner that this strange influence was merely hypnotic, but he could not account for the people's belief

Speaker 2 in his diabolical possession. Funny that the straight man's like, wrong.
This is hypnosis. Mass hypnosis.

Speaker 2 Nothing more. Just the common mass hypnosis.

Speaker 2 Oh, this was explained in the investigation, however, when a black book found, when a black book found in the man's trunk was discovered to be the manual of a secret society of devil worshipers. No,

Speaker 2 the directions are out.

Speaker 2 That's what you keep. Where else do you keep your devil book but in the trunk of the car?

Speaker 2 How many pages were filmed? How many pages did that film? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The first page is the... This is totally how you worship Satan.
This is how you do it. You just get in a fucking circle.
You got some stars or whatever. You go, ah, Satan.
You do it, buddy.

Speaker 2 That's a very planted book.

Speaker 2 The book was in Italian and was published anonymously. Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy. Well, that's Satan's language.
Well, look, they're using Satan's alphabet, sir. I I think that's just Italian.
Same difference.

Speaker 2 The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner.

Speaker 2 This book is for Helen. Helen, you've helped me buy souls for a long time.
Without ye, I could not keep the lights off this place.

Speaker 2 I bet it's a good thing. So the best bride of Satan.
It also begins with a, this book is totally real.

Speaker 2 This book is totally real. A couple pages.
And thank you to my team at Penguin. They really, really helped.

Speaker 2 The first part of the book is devoted to a description of the manner in which the Prince of Evil may be summoned by those who desire to have communication with him.

Speaker 2 Complete roles are given, and with them, the assurance that those who follow them could not fail of success.

Speaker 2 When the devil appeared, he would present.

Speaker 2 When the devil appeared, he would present a compact to his would-be devotee and would agree to serve him in every way in return for his soul. What are we thinking? Apps, maybe some drinks?

Speaker 2 Which must be given him payment at the end of 20 years. Okay.
You got a 20-year-old

Speaker 2 20 years?

Speaker 2 20 years? Those 20 years, though.

Speaker 2 Fucking cooking. Yeah, you're

Speaker 2 the best 20. The best.
You give Satan your soul, then for 20 years, he'll do whatever you want him to.

Speaker 2 All your dreams are coming true. We're not talking about Charlie Kirk.
That's a solid trait. For 1891, you're probably probably not going to live that much longer.
So,

Speaker 2 I'm not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 It's not even about killing you as much as after the eternal life is in hell. But

Speaker 2 I still like the deal.

Speaker 2 How good are souls?

Speaker 2 The devil should be able to get you for 10 years. Why is he given 20? Right? Exactly.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. I don't feel like...
There's the soul union. Yeah, his age.

Speaker 2 As far as I know, this was negotiated by the union. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 The retirement program is, it's not that great, but up front, you get paid pretty well. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like joining ice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The devil would like to do it.

Speaker 2 It's like joining ice. It's a lot like joining ice.

Speaker 2 You got a great run where you're having fun with your buddies for a while. Yeah, you're just, you're, you're tasing dads, holding babies.
You're dragging

Speaker 2 teachers out of daycare. You're just doing pickups and just

Speaker 2 get that 50 grand. Yeah, you're the good guys.
Yeah. You're having the fun.
You're doing the fun stuff. Yeah.
And then at the end of that, you're like, oh, no, fuck. Shit.
I guess I'm going to hell.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get hanged. I'm going to get hanged.
Because people are now like against what we did. Oh.
Whoops. I will say this.

Speaker 2 I find I do have some little bit of envy for a person who can just go kidnap somebody and then go home afterwards and be like, had a good day.

Speaker 2 That's crazy, right?

Speaker 2 You're envying going shopping.

Speaker 2 Think about that power. That's crazy.
You could do anything. I couldn't do that.
Crazy to have no compass.

Speaker 2 And then just be at the store and just be like looking at yogurt ingredients. Like,

Speaker 2 I think I turned your bunny. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Today I ruined eight families.

Speaker 4 The manual also gives pita chips.

Speaker 2 The manual also gives me a chip. Oh, now baked.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 The manual also gives many prayers to the devil. One of them is as follows.

Speaker 2 Careful days. Oh, great.
Yeah, this could really, this is like candyman shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, great Lucifer. By the way, I watched that again recently.
Hmm. And it holds up.
It's actually

Speaker 2 okay. Is this the prayer? Because it's kind of losing its.

Speaker 2 Oh, Great Lucifer, I command you to come to me in accordance with your agreement that without loud noise or vile smell, that you hear my wishes

Speaker 2 become stinky. This is just the opening to every Knowledge Fight podcast.
Yeah. Jordan, take a bath.

Speaker 2 If you forget to add the vile smell part, do you just automatically get vile smell, or is it a chance that he'll just kill this human? You gotta keep going to every part of this. You gotta do it.

Speaker 2 Otherwise, you didn't say that I shouldn't be covered in it. Right?

Speaker 2 What a weird devil you guys have. What a strange guy.
Just a strange cat. Stinky.

Speaker 2 I'm stinky now.

Speaker 2 What a petty asshole. Oh, get over it.

Speaker 2 It's not that bad.

Speaker 2 Just sign it. Just sign it.
Come on. Sign it.
20 years. 20 years.
Look, I'll be out of here real soon. You didn't say in the prayer to not be stinky.

Speaker 2 So I'm a little stinky, okay?

Speaker 2 Did it also stop? Did it also say he can't be loud? Like he has to say.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, without loud noise and vile smell.

Speaker 2 Keep it down.

Speaker 2 Don't let everybody know we're summoning you. The baby.

Speaker 2 We put in the loud noise after that witch shit that happened. Did you guys summon me? Sorry.
That ghost, that loud witch ghost thing?

Speaker 2 We put in the loud noise after that.

Speaker 2 Was there a first guy who realized that you could ask? Yeah. Like nobody had asked before.

Speaker 2 And then just like tentatively, one of the guys was like, hey, can we just, like, maybe just let's try asking not to smell like shit. It's probably not going to work.

Speaker 2 All right, sure. And don't be smelly.
And he's like, oh, oh, you got me.

Speaker 2 And Brown.

Speaker 2 By the way, that was a pretty rude thing to put into the prayer. Right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I guess I have to bathe.
How bad was I stinky? It was not good.

Speaker 4 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Nobody told me. Anyway, let's talk numbers.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 That you hear my wishes and that you may grant them.

Speaker 2 The book then then provides that if the devil does not appear, the devotee shall say, Oh, great Lucifer, I have called upon you and you have not answered.

Speaker 2 If you do not come now, by the power of this compact, I shall give you no rest wherever you may be until you answer me.

Speaker 2 So he's just going to. I'm going to annoy you.
I'm going to bug the shit out of the devil. Where are you going? He's done it now, devil.
I'm going to keep fucking chatting.

Speaker 2 Someone did the prayer.

Speaker 2 And I I have to shower, too.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. I can't be loud.
I got to wash my ass.

Speaker 2 Fuck this shit.

Speaker 2 Why did I take this job? This book is sad to me because it's clingy. It's not only

Speaker 2 clingy.

Speaker 2 It seems not. It is.

Speaker 2 It's weird.

Speaker 2 So many caveats.

Speaker 2 Some of them are.

Speaker 2 Satan's like, ah, I don't want to go, but I just can't handle any more of these fucking junk.

Speaker 2 They won't stop. They can't handle it.
They won't stop. Believe me, they won't stop.
They never shut the fuck up. They keep going.

Speaker 2 Some of the prayers are

Speaker 2 of a more humble character, but not many of them. For the black book distinctly provides that the devil must be subservient to those who have sold their souls to him.
That sucks.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That sucks for the devil.
That does suck. Yeah.
That sucks.

Speaker 2 you know what's great about this you know what's great about this guy in specific you can trust him this is a devil you can trust yeah he's like

Speaker 2 kick his ass

Speaker 2 absolutely

Speaker 2 jablonsky quit throwing punches jablonsky

Speaker 2 i'll send you back to the asylum jablonsky and then i'll just bother you more satan come on you're weak

Speaker 2 we are quite a pair

Speaker 2 the devil's ever like why did i put that part in where where they could just fucking jabber? That's really weird. I swear to God, I used this online service, and there was so much fine print.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. Rules are also given for the protection of the life of the devil's servant, and hieroglyphics shown by the coroner are said to have been tattooed upon the body of the dead man.

Speaker 2 By the use of them, it was imagined that his life was secure from death by steel, steel, poison, or bullets. And sure.
Steel, poison, or bullets. Yeah, those are

Speaker 2 real good. The big three.
Well,

Speaker 2 it's hard to tell.

Speaker 2 And this, as Count Alberto. They got him naked, too.
I couldn't figure it out.

Speaker 2 And this as Count Alberto, the Italian vice consul at New York. I'm also a bev.

Speaker 2 And Dr. Spagnolo believe explains the unusual form of his death.

Speaker 2 They believe that explains it. Yes.
I'm starting to. to.

Speaker 2 Just to be clear, in this news story where they explain it, these people believe that explains it.

Speaker 2 Because he couldn't have been killed by steel, poison, or bullet, so they had to wrap pipe around him and drown him. He does one of the big ones.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It makes sense.

Speaker 2 Their inference is that believing he could not be killed by ordinary means, his terrified compatriots. I can't be killed by regular shit, by the way.
His terrified compatriots.

Speaker 2 I feel like drowning is very normal. That's very normal means.

Speaker 2 It's not one of the big ones.

Speaker 2 Not a bullet to steal a bomb.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 never see that. No.
No.

Speaker 2 Believing he cannot be killed. Wait a minute.
You mean he can't breathe on the water?

Speaker 2 What is the win of this guy?

Speaker 2 It's probably the devil. Probably the devil.
Tell you what, it is seem very devilish.

Speaker 2 Believing he cannot be killed by ordinary mans, his terrified compatriots enticed him to the woods, struck him on the head, and then sunk him in the water of the pond.

Speaker 2 That's a spicy meatball, huh? Sunk him. Yeah, that dude's fucking everybody's wife.
That's very uncomplicated. Yeah, he's banging everybody's wife.
That's what that is.

Speaker 2 I can't believe that's the same story. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it took a lot of turns. It would suck if they fucked it up, if they messed up the murder, and he survived that.
Because then they'd be like, well, that's another way we can't kill him.

Speaker 2 Well, we'll tell you what.

Speaker 2 We had

Speaker 2 Bartolomeo write up that whole fucking demon book. And now Bartolomeo's work is just for nothing.

Speaker 2 God, I love Bartolomeo.

Speaker 2 The case of William Pryor, is he sane or insane?

Speaker 2 Kaiser. The The case of seven.

Speaker 2 This, what? Kaisopi, the answer is insane. You're telling me this, so he's insane.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know. Well, let's see what the story goes.
Might just be a fun little tale of a man making lemonade.

Speaker 2 Just a guy putting a chair out to save his parking space in Chicago. Just a totally sane.
Single guy.

Speaker 2 Just a normal guy. Yeah.
Who ate a tire?

Speaker 2 The case of 17-year-old William Pryor, who is under indictment for forgery. Oh, he's insane.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 A forger. He's insane.

Speaker 2 Is one upon which Judge Carter and William Pinkerton are unable to agree. Oh,

Speaker 2 Pinkerton. Never good to hear the term.
Member of Weezer.

Speaker 2 An underrated album.

Speaker 2 The judge is of the opinion that the youth is undoubtedly out of his mind and brings brings up legally speaking. He's out of his mind.
He's fucking nuts.

Speaker 2 This guy's a Jablonski over here. He's a real Jablonski.
He's a real Jablonski.

Speaker 2 He's got a Jablonski.

Speaker 2 Let's bring it home, everybody. Let's bring it home.
Let's wrap it up. This kid's higher than a Jablonski.

Speaker 2 And brings up in support of this view the facts that he smoked on an average 10 packs of

Speaker 2 cigarettes a day. What? How How many?

Speaker 2 There must have been two a pack. He's nuts.

Speaker 2 10 packs?

Speaker 2 17. 17.
They say he's got the best. Are there enough hours in the day for 200 cigarettes?

Speaker 2 It's hard to fathom that that is even possible. Especially if you're a single person.
I mean, you need to not be going to sleep. Yeah, and it's back to back.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How long does a cigarette, like one cigarette take to smoke? No, an American Spirit is a day.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Probably five-ish.
Five minutes? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can do 200.

Speaker 2 You could. You should.
You could.

Speaker 2 Hey, we don't give advice here. We actually think that's a good idea.
Cigarettes are a sponsor. Please don't say that.
He sounds more sane to me. He's forging stuff and he's smoking a lot.

Speaker 2 That sounds like seven normal stuff. He's 17

Speaker 2 and had been seen to set 10 glasses of liquor on a bar and drink their contents one after the other without any appreciable effect

Speaker 2 and numerous other unnatural and eccentric actions. This is Andy Dick.

Speaker 2 You know what I do need to remind myself? Papers at this time were prone to embellishment just a hair. Just a hair prone to making things bigger.

Speaker 2 Well, it was like some guy was like, I smoked 200 cigarettes today and I drank 10 bottles of booze off the bar. Sounds true to me, sir.

Speaker 4 We're going to print that.

Speaker 2 Well, sir, lies haven't been invented. Good to meet you.

Speaker 2 Did you hear there was a ghost outside?

Speaker 2 Seaforge stuff, he smokes a lot and he drinks. He can hold his booze.
He doesn't get wasted after drinking a lot.

Speaker 2 He's a cool guy. He's just cool.

Speaker 2 He's what we call Chicago-based. This article should be called, I'm Jealous.
Area Man. What a time.
Area man, yeah.

Speaker 2 Mr. Pinkerton says that young Pryor is as sane as any other person and that Judge Carter's innocence has been greatly imposed upon if he had been led to believe that the fellow is insane.

Speaker 2 It is simply the old case of a young scamp with respectable and wealthy parents. He's a parent.
He's a scamp.

Speaker 2 Oh, so he's got wealthy parents, said Mr. Pinkerton.
And I do not Vanderbilt.

Speaker 2 And I do not believe that Pryor is any more insane than the rest of the young fellows who are paving their way for the penitentiary. Kids are all crazy.

Speaker 2 It is a travesty on justice to allow him to escape his just desserts on an insanity plea.

Speaker 2 I'm worried that Pinkerton's want him locked up. They would never consider him insane if he just got wasted, right? Like if he just drank all the booze and then he was drunk? I think so, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's that's the out, absolutely. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Uh

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 well, this is where I leave our podcast, everybody.

Speaker 2 Oh, uh, yeah, Garrison

Speaker 2 scamper out because he's got a phone call. You guys are well good.

Speaker 2 I'm glad we made it to a full article. That's handle it strong.
You know what? And if the show's really good, we won't release it when it'd be gone.

Speaker 2 Okay, so just so you know, the next headline you're missing is likes to kill chickens.

Speaker 2 What did you fuck up? I don't know. I have real conflicted feelings about missing this one.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think if there's any good jokes I want told while I'm gone. Do some cock stuff.

Speaker 2 Cock stuff will be great.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe you could say it sounds like he's going to beak the charges. All right.
Thank you, everybody. Jesus.
What? What an awful way to go out. Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Dave.

Speaker 2 ND Elting.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was just going to say, I can't believe that that last story was even a story. That's just a kid who smokes and drinks.
Yeah, he's a partier. Smoking drinking forging.

Speaker 2 Pinkerton was just mad that he got off because he was rich. That's all.

Speaker 2 And leave the kid alone. Kid likes to party.
Yeah, he loves

Speaker 2 it's 17 then, is like 40. So let them have fun.

Speaker 2 Andy Elting tells a curious story about a pigeon that has the instincts of the butcher bird. What the fuck is happening right now?

Speaker 2 The butcher bird must have been a bitch. So we've got a Chicago pigeon.

Speaker 2 You're just talking about a regular Chicago. These are normal means.
Like, if that guy had been killed by a pigeon, that would still be normal means.

Speaker 2 Chicago pigeons don't fuck around. Chicago pigeons have the instincts of chickens.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Am I to understand that chickens have special powers?

Speaker 2 They know how to be killed in a yard and

Speaker 2 de-feathered and eaten. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what this pigeon lives in? One of his friends.

Speaker 2 The what? Is that what the pigeon accomplished?

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm assuming so. What else does a chicken do?

Speaker 2 See, no one has anything. Clock? One of his friends living in Ireton.
Oh,

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 oh, period. That must be, maybe it's Ohio, and they just didn't put the H on

Speaker 2 owns a large male pigeon which takes delight in killing chickens. Okay, this took a fucking turn.

Speaker 2 That's what I thought we were talking about. It's not a pigeon that acts like a chicken.
It's a murdering pigeon.

Speaker 2 Oh, my. It's a pigeon that gets in there with its beak and tears the chickens' entrails apart.

Speaker 2 It's a fucking serial killer pigeon, which I think we need more of not less

Speaker 2 yeah sure how do we know it's the same pigeon

Speaker 2 the 1800s there's only

Speaker 2 there's only one there's only one pigeon in chicago covered in blood okay well that would be a dead giveaway if that's fair enough

Speaker 2 That would be a tough case for me as a Pinkerton to argue that this

Speaker 2 pigeon's awareness. What a day to just be walking down the street and see a pigeon walking by, drenched in the blood of its recent kill.

Speaker 2 And all of his little pigeon claws are just blades.

Speaker 2 So it's a clear murder pigeon. Like you saw this pigeon be like, fuck, hide your chickens.

Speaker 2 We've got to get this pigeon into cockfighting. Right? I mean, like,

Speaker 2 I would like to see. Yeah, I would like to see this pigeon out in nature doing this.
It's breaking the pigeon barrier.

Speaker 2 It's the Jackie Pigeonson. It's right.

Speaker 2 No foul.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. So sad.
Gareth is not here for that.

Speaker 2 Tears of joy would be coming out of it.

Speaker 2 The friend found chickens two or three weeks old dead on the ground with their necks broken. Okay, hold on.

Speaker 2 We're framing the

Speaker 2 claw theory is after.

Speaker 2 The classic pigeon move of snapping chickens' necks.

Speaker 2 Well, it used its wings and it put them together around the neck and went ah like that like jean-claude van diel that was the way it happened oh this is great the friend found the two the chickens two or first of all two or three weeks old so they've been dead for two or three weeks it's gonna be a tough time for the two or three week old hatch

Speaker 2 no if the murder was two or three weeks ago then you're gonna have a tough time getting forensics on it you know that's yeah no i think you might be right you

Speaker 2 might be washed off

Speaker 2 old.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 A two or three-week old chicken might just trip and break its neck, right? That's a big thing. Right.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's what I always say. You know what I mean? Right?

Speaker 2 That old saying, even a two or three-week-old chick will just fall and break its neck. No, I don't know.
It must have fallen down again. It's probably a pigeon.
Who knows?

Speaker 2 You guys hear about the murder pigeon that's going around? That motherfucker's crazy. I saw him kill kill a fox.

Speaker 2 I heard he killed the Italian.

Speaker 2 That pigeon's played by Jason goddamn statham.

Speaker 2 Okay. He couldn't account for it till one day he saw the pigeon alight near a chicken and pouncing on it, break its neck.
No, he didn't.

Speaker 2 This guy is killing chickens for the fun of it, and now he's blaming a fucking pigeon.

Speaker 2 He's like trying to frame a pigeon how can a how can a pigeon break a chicken's neck he pounced on him he played the closet pounce

Speaker 2 directly related to a raptor yes it's the same thing absolutely you saw jurassic park yeah

Speaker 2 taught us all about the dangers of the pigeon uh

Speaker 2 i've had all the evidence i need guilty i think

Speaker 2 your theory sounds more believable that it's a person killing chickens and then blames a pigeon But

Speaker 2 if you're wrong, we're taking a big risk in ignoring. We are taking a big risk.
Yeah, we really are. The pigeon.
You can't let that pigeon be out on the streets. You can't let it reproduce.

Speaker 2 You can't teach other pigeons.

Speaker 2 That's how it starts. The 200th pigeon or whatever the fuck that thing is.
You know, the monkeys. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 The pigeon flew away without eating its victim. Why this was done, if it was not for fun, is not known.

Speaker 2 just a gallivantic merger pigeon just fucking people up left and right doesn't give a shit anymore

Speaker 2 lost his job lost his wife lost his home

Speaker 2 now he's a man on a fish

Speaker 2 that is just so clearly a guy killing chickens and blowing the bird it's so great it's so great it would be fun If you were watching a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer and there's a huge part where it's like, the news says there's a pigeon's killing these people.

Speaker 2 This guy was in a yard and he was just surrounded by like seven dead chickens and someone's like, what are you doing? He goes, I swear to God, there was a pigeon in here.

Speaker 2 I swear to God.

Speaker 2 He just came down and snapped all their necks.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not naked on purpose. This was the pigeon doing.
The pigeon did it. The pigeon stripped me.
The pigeon did it, man.

Speaker 2 It's dressed like me. Go after it.

Speaker 2 You know, you do touch on

Speaker 2 a sad truth, and that is that the more fun versions of stories are usually just someone lying. Like, the pigeon killing these chickens is probably a lie, but it's way more fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's way more fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 An original suicide.

Speaker 2 Did we get one of those earlier, too?

Speaker 2 We may have, yeah.

Speaker 2 Many are the ways by which a person may rid himself of his life, but the means employed by an elderly agriculturist named Baud

Speaker 2 revealed a considerable amount of originality.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 2 That was me saying that.

Speaker 2 People use that fucked up.

Speaker 2 Tuesdays at nine, bad blade.

Speaker 2 Revealed a considerable amount of originality and patience.

Speaker 2 Taking an old rifle barrel that had been used as a blowpipe,

Speaker 2 I mean, this is...

Speaker 2 He passed some three and one-half ounces of gunpowder into it,

Speaker 2 nearly sealing one end of the barrel at the same time.

Speaker 2 Blaud then descended

Speaker 2 into the cellar with a lamp and took his seat on a tub. This guy put a lot of thought into this.
Okay. A tub of...
They were right. He did.
He didn't blow himself up, right? Patient. Creative.

Speaker 2 He was patient, but this sounds like a pipe bomb-ish.

Speaker 2 No?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the makings of a pipe bomb, for sure.

Speaker 2 And then he waited for the pigeon.

Speaker 2 Resting one end of the weapon on the ground, he placed the other in his mouth and then applied the lamp to a short train of powder he had laid down.

Speaker 2 A violent report followed, which,

Speaker 2 yeah, which brought the man's family to the cellar. Oh my God, wait until they're not home or just do it out in a field.
Like, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 If you're gonna be you guys, I swear to God, you call me a Vanderbilt or I'm going downstairs.

Speaker 2 I'm going downstairs, and you'll never see me again.

Speaker 2 You'll never see me again, Tommy. Is that what you want?

Speaker 2 Where a terrible spectacle met their eyes, Blood's head having been completely blown off by the force of the explosion. I mean, Jesus.

Speaker 2 So he, yeah, he made it pipe bombish. Yeah, it did work.

Speaker 2 I think that the news is irresponsible here. And if I were the editor, I would not start with like a congratulation of the creativity.

Speaker 2 That season. Hey, check this guy out.

Speaker 2 Check out how good good this guy did it. All of you people who slit your lists, you're losers and uncreative.
This guy gets it.

Speaker 2 We don't usually give out a lot of things.

Speaker 2 We don't usually give out awards for suicide, but in this case,

Speaker 2 congratulations. We've got the honest Wagner of suicide out here today.

Speaker 2 All right, last one. Yeah, last one.
Many ask for divorces.

Speaker 2 John Lang stated that his wife, Estella, whom he married April 26, 1886, was Daffy on spiritualism.

Speaker 2 I know the type. I've met some Daffy spiritualists.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 And left him in 1891 because he forbade her to attend seances.

Speaker 2 Well, the lady... likes a seance.
So it's cool spiritualism, not just going to church.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, so no, spiritualism then was like the seance-y, yeah, like we're talking to the dead. It's like maybe somebody who's got a black book with a bunch of rules in it.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 What a strange relationship. I forbid you from speaking to the dead.

Speaker 2 How dare you speak to the dead? No wife of mine will do that.

Speaker 2 No wife of mine will ever speak to the dead. You fool.
You keep on me with that corner.

Speaker 2 He's probably coming up and being like, well, guess what Frank said about you today?

Speaker 2 Frank's going to hate Frank.

Speaker 2 Besides this, he averse.

Speaker 2 Who are you texting? Is he dead? Is he dead? We're friends.

Speaker 2 And this dead guy are friends. Can a woman and a dead guy be friends or not?

Speaker 2 It's two in the morning, and I hear you clicking away talking to the dead.

Speaker 2 What's his fucking name? It's Frank. I told you.

Speaker 2 He's so dead. He's so fucking dead.
It's like,

Speaker 2 oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Besides this,

Speaker 2 he said she was in the habit of going unattended to dances and other affairs. Unattended by the living.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I hope so. She had ghosts.

Speaker 2 She had like a ghost dance.

Speaker 2 She's getting all kinds of ghost action. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's flitting around in a tree. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just moaning. I've seen these types before.
I know these folks. I've seen them.

Speaker 2 Well, gentlemen,

Speaker 2 we can all say we're glad Gareth left and we were able to have fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, finally.

Speaker 2 And that was a good one. We navigated that without any cock jokes.
And I think

Speaker 2 there were so many.

Speaker 2 And there were cocks in the actual articles. Yeah.
Dead ones. But nonetheless.

Speaker 2 I am blown away by this slice of history

Speaker 2 and how normal a lot of it is. Like this 17-year-old likes to drink.
People are freaked out by a ghost. Yep.

Speaker 2 somebody killed himself in a weird way

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 it is like it is like uh you know we have true crime documentaries now and they're just longer versions of like look at how weird this guy killed himself right total crazy yeah

Speaker 2 whenever my wife is watching one of her many murder shows i always walk in and go

Speaker 2 You could just read about this in two seconds and you wouldn't have to watch the show. I know they're playing it out in a linear time, but that happened five years ago.

Speaker 2 We can just just actually look at it in two seconds and find out.

Speaker 2 You don't understand. It's about the time release,

Speaker 2 it's like a painter. It's about slowly getting it throughout the day.
And books don't have a score that is really

Speaker 2 tense.

Speaker 2 They should have that. They'll have that.
They're trying to figure out how to do that, I'm sure, in books.

Speaker 2 I think they have it in books. Would you like help reading me?

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm your AI assistant. Do you want to read this book, or would you prefer not to?

Speaker 2 I'll just print something out, it'll be like the same thing. You can get an A.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Well, guys, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you for having us.
This was a delight.

Speaker 2 I feel like everybody won.

Speaker 2 Amen, right? Isn't that what it is?

Speaker 2 Win, win, win.

Speaker 2 And at the same time, continued eating nuts. Eating nuts? So he's threatening to sue someone while he's just kind of walking back and forth and eating nuts.

Speaker 2 But he probably always had to eat nuts because he couldn't eat that much.

Speaker 2 He shouldn't be eating nuts, in my opinion, based on his previous thoughts. It seemed nuts have feelings.
Nuts come from rocks.

Speaker 2 Believe me, nuts have feelings.

Speaker 2 So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed. That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 You know what? Fuck this guy. Honestly, this is crazy.

Speaker 2 And this included the Putnam family who were related by half-siblings. One of the Putnams, quote, father said that Johnny Appleseed was nothing but a bum, that all he did was come and sponge.

Speaker 2 He could come and stay and eat and eat and eat until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way

Speaker 2 whenever he was coming. Dad was really mad and didn't want him around.
But so he would eat. So maybe he would just eat if you prepped a meal.
Or he was picky about what he was eating.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he might have been loophole. Oh, he's like, oh, you already made the duck?

Speaker 2 All right, I guess. Like, he was probably doing that.

Speaker 2 He's probably eating like a fucking king. Yeah.
He's like, no, more roast beef since he already got it all killed and everything. No, don't be crazy.

Speaker 2 Keep going. Oh, is it sirloin night?

Speaker 2 Oh, gosh. Well, I guess it's already been killed.
Mind if I put some shoes on? I'm really changing.

Speaker 2 He just loves slippers.

Speaker 2 His fashion changed. Oh, one did he.
Quote, he wore a pyramid of three hats.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Three hats now?

Speaker 2 Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, he needed a friend.
Johnny needed a friend. Johnny needed one guy to be like, Johnny, look.
Okay. I love you.

Speaker 2 The two hats I get because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense.
No, it doesn't. A hat under the cooking pot.
No, it doesn't. It keeps the pot clean.
Nope.

Speaker 2 Just carry a pot. Tie it to your bindle sniff or whatever the fuck you're rocking.

Speaker 2 And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 2 He was, oh man, he would do bad at the No Kings March. They'd be like, Johnny, no.

Speaker 2 I'm the Apple King. No, Johnny, no.

Speaker 2 The sum total was of extremely odd, rather ingenious. That's insane.

Speaker 2 It enabled him to carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat. Wait, wait.
What happened to the carrier?

Speaker 2 He had his stuff in a carrier at one point. Well, now he's got it up there.
So now he's wearing a pot, a brimmed hat, a crown, and books.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it's like a library, and it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot, and his hands are left free to deal with the seed bags and the tools and stuff.

Speaker 2 What about a knapsack or a bag? Surely they had other things. I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then.
Well, he doesn't need those because he has a pot and a hat.

Speaker 2 No, he does because he's wearing a fucking. He is a totem pole.
No wonder we needed a ladder.

Speaker 2 He doesn't need a knapsack. He's got a hat and a pot and a hat.

Speaker 2 If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm going to leave the goddamn stage.

Speaker 2 And then he got a monkey.

Speaker 2 Get on his back, boys.

Speaker 2 So he ages into his 60s, which is pretty shocking for a guy who's sleeping outside, walking around barefoot and everything else.

Speaker 2 This has got to be a crazy time. He starts to become a little cranky.

Speaker 2 While staying with a Quaker. He's a crab apple.

Speaker 2 While staying with a Quaker.

Speaker 2 Well, that's a reality show.

Speaker 2 On an all-new Quaker in the nut.

Speaker 2 They keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm going to put a syringe through my foot.

Speaker 2 While staying with a Quaker, he threw the Quaker's Universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust.

Speaker 2 He also, quote, quote, frequently rebuked the young men for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he's getting old and irritated.
All right. Listen to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, he's putting a knitting needle through his heel.

Speaker 2 In March of 1945, Johnny at 70 marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence at one of his orchards.

Speaker 2 At a cabin belonging to William Worth and his family, he asked for a roof over his head, and they happily obliged, as they'd done many times. He ate alone on the floor, as usual.
I'm a dog.

Speaker 2 And they gave him and gave the people the good news, quote, right fresh from heaven.

Speaker 2 Johnny slept by the fire. Wait, what was the good news? I'm sure it was godship.
Blah, blah, blah. Don't kill moths.
Whatever.

Speaker 2 Johnny slept by the fire, but by morning, he had a fever and could not speak. Finally.

Speaker 2 We finally have the best Johnny ever.

Speaker 2 And then he died. Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh,

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

Speaker 2 And then you eat him.

Speaker 2 Who are those two hot ghosts over him?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, dude. And then all of a sudden, there are three ghosts.

Speaker 2 One's doing anal, and the other one, the whole fucking thing was crazy.

Speaker 2 Man,

Speaker 2 and then what happened, sir? Then they just titty fucked him by the fire for a little while. I don't know.
It was totally insane.

Speaker 2 It was crazy. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 And then they put a bunch of splinters in his feet and stuff like that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was pretty hot, though. That part was.

Speaker 2 that was pretty hot.

Speaker 2 Killing himself. I don't know some stuff that I guess it kind of opens some stuff up in me, you know what I mean? And I just Johnny Apple stayed.
I guess I've never really looked at intimacy that way.

Speaker 2 Go to heaven already. Go to heaven.
Oh, my God. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Johnny, stop.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, I waited so long. Yes.

Speaker 2 Jesus, Johnny. This feels great.

Speaker 2 This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. So we have a, I mean, it's like a, it's like an always-coming ghost in our house, and it's

Speaker 2 really bad. Woo!

Speaker 2 It does that all the time. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And honestly, we... It feels so good from the tip to the base.

Speaker 2 We would be fine with it not being there if it was just quiet. Whoa.

Speaker 2 And sometimes the.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we just need.

Speaker 2 Feeling hot, hot, hot, da-da-da-da.

Speaker 2 Feeling hot, hot, hot, banana, banana, banana.

Speaker 2 And then you think it's.

Speaker 2 You think it's quiet for a minute and the songs stopped, and like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while because you know,

Speaker 2 you know, you need some kind of sleep. I'm gonna go to boom, boom, boom, boom, bad up, bad up.

Speaker 2 We found out. This is from Search.

Speaker 2 We found out that goes,

Speaker 2 baby.

Speaker 2 Ghosts don't sleep after a while.

Speaker 2 ram and a love of

Speaker 2 they're not people who

Speaker 2 hurts it hurts in a good way in a good way

Speaker 2 Hurts in a good way hurts in a good way It hurts in a good way Ghosts it turns out oh ah ah that's it I'm done

Speaker 2 they can

Speaker 2 they can come over and over and over again

Speaker 2 They never get tired

Speaker 2 Oh my god

Speaker 2 oh my god so anyway anyway that's why I'm

Speaker 2 calling the ghost hunters.

Speaker 2 I just need you guys to come in and help me out here. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I don't think we're gonna be able to sell the house. Oh, here I go again.

Speaker 2 Oh, the new shift, son.

Speaker 2 Don't mind if I do.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I got some wood to graft to you.

Speaker 2 Anyone have a smoke?

Speaker 2 The doctor who pronounced it dead told everyone that he'd never seen such a serene look on a corpse in his life. Well, I think we know why.

Speaker 2 Holy Christ, look at his eyes.

Speaker 2 Was he smiling when he slept, or was that just after?

Speaker 2 Much later, the Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing glowing with tranquility.

Speaker 2 I'll bet it were.

Speaker 2 For his final outfit,

Speaker 2 he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait.

Speaker 2 The waists? That's what it says. It's a quote.

Speaker 2 Well, like just the elastic?

Speaker 2 These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides, and the fronts thrown away, saving the waistband attached to the hinder part.

Speaker 2 These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles,

Speaker 2 so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.

Speaker 2 Over top it all, next to the chapman's skin, was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out for the arms and head, and, quote, what was once pantaloons.

Speaker 2 what was once pantaloons

Speaker 2 he cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of super pants

Speaker 2 it's called fashion

Speaker 2 that sounds like something Yay would make

Speaker 2 who the fuck is that quote from who came up with super pants? Don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 Pants business. Will you please tell me what he wore one more time?

Speaker 2 The waists of four pairs of pants. Which is already not okay.

Speaker 2 These were cut off at the forks. The forks? I believe that's the, so the, they're like...
Okay, so he wore like booty shorts.

Speaker 4 Like Denham cut.

Speaker 2 So we wore four pairs of booty shorts.

Speaker 2 Ripped up at the sides. They just said juicy on the backs, Johnny.

Speaker 2 So they're ripping up the sides the hinder part so they're basically like fronts thrown away mini skirts well so that so they're so it's open at the front mini yeah no because the mini the mini skirt doesn't isn't like here's my genitals these are open at the front bro have you ever what okay

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 Saving the waistband attached to the hinder part.

Speaker 2 So the back

Speaker 2 ass part is covered the hinder parts were buttoned around him lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole lower part of his body. So there's a pack.
There's four butts parts.

Speaker 2 It's a lower cape.

Speaker 2 I think what he's wearing is a smock.

Speaker 2 It's a lower cape. It's the back.
Yeah, he's wearing a smock.

Speaker 2 Are smocks in the back? Smocks are in the front. Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology.

Speaker 2 It's a reverse smock. He's wearing a backwards apron.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine this fucking like legend showing up in a backwards apron? What's for supper? And then dying in front of your fire? Like, the fuck? They're going to think we did this to him.

Speaker 2 We're going to be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time.

Speaker 2 We need to get him in the attic. There's no stairs up there, you idiot.

Speaker 2 If only technology would give us away.

Speaker 2 It's four smocks. Four smocks.
Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got like a little fucking mini skirt on at the front.

Speaker 2 You know, you try to, you try to like. And no shoes, because he stepped on a worm once.
Three hats. This is.
And then coffee. You're mad at fashion.
No. I'm flagging this.
Over top it all.

Speaker 2 Next to the Chapman skin. I don't know what Chapman's skin is.
It doesn't matter at this point.

Speaker 2 Was a coarse coffee sack with the holes cut out for arms and head that was once pantaloons.

Speaker 2 That was once pantaloons. I think the coffee sack used to be pants, but only for one person, him.
Him, yeah. Yeah, so he eventually was like, you know what?

Speaker 2 The downstairs is really taking care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear my old coffee bag pants as a shirt.

Speaker 2 So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants.

Speaker 4 It makes sense if you think about it.

Speaker 2 And then he shows up and you're like,

Speaker 2 How are you, Johnny? Good, pretty good. Nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more.
I

Speaker 2 basically built this country. Is it time for supper? Oh, that's good.
No, no, put it in a bowl. I'll eat it off the floor like a canine.
Whoo, I'm pooped. All right.
Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Uh-uh.

Speaker 2 And then Tim Gunn comes in, and what are you doing here?

Speaker 2 We don't know who he is. I love this.
This is amazing. No, we don't know him.
Great.

Speaker 2 His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money, which was... In today's money? Yes.
His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money.

Speaker 2 All that. Well, he gave it all to the church.
I know, but still, for someone

Speaker 2 dollars.

Speaker 2 I'm sure he had a pot,

Speaker 2 a pot fund.

Speaker 2 All was sold to pay back taxes or debt. And then tributes poured in.
Sam Houston,

Speaker 2 William Tecunsell Sherman, all these big famous guys are like, I love Johnny Appleseed.

Speaker 2 A Harper's article by Charles Allen Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion,

Speaker 2 that has been friendly, sensible, and brave instead of aggressive and bloody, that has nurtured life instead of destroying it, and that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization.

Speaker 2 Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.

Speaker 2 Not wrong.

Speaker 2 Not right either. Not wrong and not right, without question.
But it definitely. Look,

Speaker 2 I would rather a country of Johnny Appleseeds.

Speaker 2 That would be better. Yeah.
Yeah. Then.

Speaker 2 We act like we hate nature.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it all.

Speaker 2 He smelled really bad. And yeah, look, he's a flawed messenger.
He is a

Speaker 2 the Messiah had a pot on its head.

Speaker 2 But there is something to that idea that like that all the

Speaker 2 general thinking behind everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be.
It's just

Speaker 2 and then towards the end he got bitter and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards. But

Speaker 2 that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you gonna do? Save a tree? Shut up, fucking loser.
Yeah, tree, fucking tree hugger. Are you mad that I like trees?

Speaker 2 By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger has never taken mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushrooms than hugging a tree.

Speaker 2 You gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water.

Speaker 2 It's pretty fucking straightforward.

Speaker 2 I'd fuck a tree on mushrooms.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 How great would it be to hang out with Johnny Appleseed on mushrooms? Oh my god.

Speaker 2 You just don't tell him, though. It wouldn't be that great.

Speaker 2 You don't tell him. He'd be just going off.
Man, these trees are fucking humming right now, dude.

Speaker 2 Don't say that too much. You keep saying that.
Right over here.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. I want to hug this tree.
Star, keep going. They're messing up the pace.

Speaker 2 Research was done by Josh and Drowski.

Speaker 2 Johnny Appleseed, The Man, the Myth, The American Story by Howard Means, Johnny Appleseed, a pioneer hero by W.D. Haley and Harper's Magazine.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's it.
Wow.

Speaker 2 It's also fun to picture this thing banging banging two ghosts.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Well, that was

Speaker 2 the story of Paul Bunyan.

Speaker 2 It's not the same as what you're told as a child. No.

Speaker 2 No, they really did sanitize that. They really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff, to be quite honest.

Speaker 2 It might be one of the only times where, like, American history, they were like, these cuts are valid.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Like they just hung in there with like the, his name was Johnny Appleseed, he loved trees.
What did he wear? There'll be no more questions.

Speaker 2 Cut the mic. Cut the mic.
What was his favorite shoe? Shut up. Cut the mic.

Speaker 2 Did he ever hurt a worm? Stop. All right, shut the lights off.
Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over.
Show's over, everybody. Show is over.
Thank you, everybody. Thanks for coming.

Speaker 2 Oh, and if you're,

Speaker 2 if you are a, if you paid paid for the uh meet and greet VIP thing, stick around, sit up front. Thank you, everybody.
Thanks, Columbus. Appreciate it.

Speaker 5 Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

Speaker 5 By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 5 So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of The Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of The Rube.

Speaker 5 It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

Speaker 5 And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

Speaker 5 We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.