710 - Johnny Appleseed - live

Speaker 1 You're listening to the dollop.

Speaker 1 The dollop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sit American History Podcast, where each week I, David Anthony, read a story from American history to a slob with his shirt open. Gareth Reynolds,

Speaker 1 who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I'm just a boy.

Speaker 1 Don't you get mad at me? It's a little too casual for an audience of Columbus who are very well-dressed people.

Speaker 1 I can point out some evidence to counter your argument.

Speaker 1 Quite easily, mind you.

Speaker 1 Nope.

Speaker 1 When you think of Ohio, you think of fashion. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A couple things real quick on our YouTube. You can go there right now, and we started to post the animated Rube Waddell episode that we had with Lakeside Animation.
We're starting to post that.

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And

Speaker 2 we also, on November 24th, are going to be doing a live event. Dave and I are going to be raising money for the Hollywood Food Coalition live on our YouTube at 6 p.m.

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Speaker 2 You can join us there at the Dollop podcast that's our youtube go there join subscribe set the alarms and the alerts and comment and all that stuff but we're going to be watching it live dave are you excited

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 3 but our friend stu who's been a listener for a long time matched our goal and has already sent $10,000 to

Speaker 3 food coalition. So thank you, Stu.
You are, as always, a great, great gentleman.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's not on the GoFundMe. We've posted a link to the GoFundMe.
You can go on our socials and find that. But Stu just gave them 10 grand from us.

Speaker 3 So amazing.

Speaker 2 So we're watching cats and it's supposed to be really good. So you can watch that live with us 6 p.m.
on November 24th.

Speaker 1 September 26th, 1774,

Speaker 1 Year of Our Lord.

Speaker 1 J Town.

Speaker 1 The J Town. The J Town.

Speaker 1 Also known as Party J. No?

Speaker 1 John Chapman was born in Leominister, Massachusetts. Oh, you know.

Speaker 1 Good for you.

Speaker 1 To Elizabeth and Nathaniel, a Minuteman who fought at Bunker Hill. Tell us about Bunker Hill, really quick.
Oh, boy. Well, first of all, it's the Bunker Hill University.

Speaker 1 Bunker Hill's a hell of a spot.

Speaker 1 Look, year-round, whatever you want to do, Bunker Hill has it to offer you. You want to go sled in? Bring the the kids out.
Have a good weekend.

Speaker 1 I was thinking more of the fighting that happened at Bunker Hill. Oh, the fighting at Bunker Hill.

Speaker 1 Crazy.

Speaker 1 Nobody saw the outcome of Bunker Hill being what it was. I think that's safe to say.

Speaker 1 Who won?

Speaker 1 Well, at the end, nobody.

Speaker 1 At the end of the day, nobody wins war. War is just sort of perpetual struggle, and it's just really your chess pieces on, you know, pawns on the board of the elites.
Who was fighting?

Speaker 1 Well, it felt like everybody.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what it felt like. It felt like a family that didn't want to have a Thanksgiving dinner, but at the end of the day, they're a little glad they did, but there's still a lot of regrets.

Speaker 1 That's what makes it so famous, so renowned, so known, is that

Speaker 1 the whole thing with it, first of all, Bunker Hill,

Speaker 1 a big old hill for the starters. That's a big guy.
That's the sort of hill you want to sled down, no doubt. Which brings me back to sledding.

Speaker 1 There's year-round opportunities and activities for anybody here at Bunker Hill. You want to have a taffy pull? Boy, howdy, are you going to have one?

Speaker 1 Bunker Hill is full of good, good times for friends and family. Bunker Hill, more like Funker Hill.

Speaker 1 Bunker Hill, brought to you by everybody's group.

Speaker 1 This Bunker Hill commercial is brought to you by the Historical Society of Accuracy.

Speaker 1 The Historical Society for Accuracy.

Speaker 1 So, a friend brought you here. You've never really listened.

Speaker 1 The roles of history. We're two historians.

Speaker 1 Hold on. The roles here.
The roles are pretty well established. Two history buffs.
Sit up here and chew the fat.

Speaker 1 Two geniuses debate. Now go ahead.
What do you think of Bunker Hill? What do you think it was all about? A battle. It was a war.

Speaker 1 Archie bunker. Yeah.

Speaker 1 His chair. That's right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so his mom died in the summer of 1776. So that's like, you know,

Speaker 1 less than two years

Speaker 1 while giving birth. She was giving birth while it happened.
The other one, the little one, also didn't make it.

Speaker 1 When John was seven, his dad returned from the military and he said, I have a new family, and it's really big.

Speaker 1 14 of them now shared a 400 square foot house. Wait, he had a, he started a second family while he was away at war and he had that many? What would you do? Yeah, well, he married into one.

Speaker 1 Oh, he married into one. She had a lot of kids.
So she came having had. Yeah, she had.
Okay. And then he married into that, and then he was like, hey.
And then they moved into a 400-square-foot house.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 15 people.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 That's what we're getting close to now. That's

Speaker 1 already I'm just like, oh, kill me.

Speaker 1 Oh, that'd be horrible.

Speaker 1 How do you do the sex? How do you?

Speaker 1 Well, touching relatives.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about with your wife, not. Yeah, yeah.
I mean with your wife. Oh, so you're up against it.
With your wife, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Wait, what? How do I do sex with your wife?

Speaker 1 You know about that?

Speaker 1 It's two history buffs who are... It's a tete-a-tete of two history men.
You're listening to a poly-American history podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 John and his half-brother Nathaniel headed out west together to get away from this fucking crowded house. And they went across the Ohio River,

Speaker 1 which is nobody. Beautiful.
Nobody outside of your state knows where the fuck that is.

Speaker 1 To be fair, most rivers, people are like, what is it?

Speaker 1 The river was traditionally the line of demarcation between the natives to the west and the whites to the east.

Speaker 1 But due to population booms and sprawling tendrils of capitalism, early Americans started devouring anything

Speaker 1 they laid their hand eyes on.

Speaker 1 It is amazing to think there was a time where there was a line of like, you get the rest. Yeah.
And then we were like, hey, we want to renegotiate.

Speaker 1 We would actually like everything. So we're going to need to push you back to the ocean.

Speaker 1 You see, we just are really good at this. Oh, boy, aren't we? Trust us.

Speaker 1 In the future, everything will will be a mall.

Speaker 1 But for now, blankets. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry. That's why we celebrate Blanksgiving.

Speaker 1 Honor tradition. This was the golden end of the space.
Thanksgiving is so funny.

Speaker 1 What a fucking handful of horseshit. So early.

Speaker 1 And we thanked each other for everything we'd all done for each other. Here you are.
What a big meal we shared. And that's why every year we eat

Speaker 1 billions of birds.

Speaker 1 This was the golden age of the speculator, and land was gobbled up by corporations and sat on until someone dealt with the Indian problem.

Speaker 1 In 1792, the Ohio Company of Associates started giving away hundreds of acres of land to anyone anyone settling outside of the white people zone of Ohio with the condition that they planted 50 apple trees and 20 peach trees.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, look.

Speaker 1 Again, I'm not pro-white on this one, but I do like this forcing of planting of apple and peach trees. I like peaches a lot.
Yeah, it's great. It's a great idea to just be like, yeah, you get it.

Speaker 1 You just got to make it all a tree. Everywhere's an orchard.
I like that plan. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was proof that they wanted to stay and not not just sit on it or flip the land.

Speaker 1 And it is believed that John worked for an apple grower for years to earn his keep at his father's home, but nobody really knows.

Speaker 1 What is certain is as soon as he entered the forest, he never wanted to leave the forest. The forest.
The forest. I would imagine apple-wise you were like, I am done with apples.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's only so many apples you can have. Eventually be like,

Speaker 1 fucking apples. Are we serious? Would you like an apple? No.
Oh, Jesus Christ. How about a peach? I'll go up there and get one for you.
I have to climb the branches.

Speaker 1 There's no other technology that'll get us up there.

Speaker 1 So unfortunately, we won't be able to get any of those ones super high up there. We haven't been able to crack any ideas.

Speaker 1 You didn't need a ladder. No, I know I didn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. This is Hank.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Clasp the hands, Ethan. That's right.
Launch it right up as high as you want to go.

Speaker 1 No need to try to build anything that'll make this easier.

Speaker 1 I wonder how many people turned off the podcast when I said that. God fuck these fucking guys.
Many.

Speaker 1 One of the first winters in Western Pennsylvania almost did the brothers in. After a long search for their uncle's cabin, they found it, but their uncle was not there.

Speaker 1 So John, who's now in his 20s, went, how dare you? It's from up there. It's in the Lincolns.
I think it was a gunshot.

Speaker 1 So John, who's now in his 20s, went went out in search of food and provisions, while his younger brother, Nathaniel, who was a very young teenager, stayed. And John was gone for days.
Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 That's not good. He already has a hankering.
And Nathaniel ends up surviving with help from Indigenous people who found this little starving boy. You got to love that.

Speaker 1 Like, what are your three keys to survival? Find Indigenous people.

Speaker 1 Hope that they are friendly. That'll be it.

Speaker 1 John found some less than helpful indigenous people and had to hide silently for hours in a thicket of cattails. And he then dragged his canoe into a passing ice flow and escaped.
What?

Speaker 1 Now, John, like all whites, was obsessed with one thing, land, to own and cultivate and grow. And he could cultivate with the best.
Sure.

Speaker 1 One account says he could chop twice as many trees as any other man,

Speaker 1 but he could not settle down long enough to claim the land. It's got to be grow.
That can't be true. Yeah, I think I put the wrong word in there.
He's so busy cultivating, he can't claim.

Speaker 1 But then he wouldn't stay there long enough to claim it. He would just cultivate and then move on? He would like plant trees and then bail.

Speaker 1 Which sounds like what some of you would do. Stop.

Speaker 1 So he's growing orchards across western Pennsylvania, and he's borrowing money from his family to buy more land in a town called Franklin, but he only lasted less than a year there.

Speaker 1 A local historian quote, he was one of those characters very often found in the new country, always ready to lend a helping hand to his neighbors. He helped others more than himself.

Speaker 1 He took up land several times, but would soon find himself without any by reason of some other person jumping his claim.

Speaker 1 So he really was just fully like he was always just trying to make the land better and grow things. And then he just, people would be like, great, I'll take it.

Speaker 1 But that was mine. I was like, you idiot.
Yeah, basically.

Speaker 1 On one occasion, he walked several miles on ice barefooted merely to show his powers of endurance. To who? Who would watch miles of walking? You'd be like, dude, I can't see past 800 feet.

Speaker 1 He's like, trust me, it hurts.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, is this a feat of strength?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then he'd come back. How far did you go? Real far.

Speaker 1 Woo! All the way.

Speaker 1 All right. Now to claim that land.
We already did. God damn it.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 Quote, he seemed as much at home with the red men of the forest as his own race.

Speaker 1 Well, says the whites.

Speaker 1 The red man was like, please get out of here.

Speaker 1 What are you climbing? Whoa!

Speaker 1 The hell is that?

Speaker 1 It's also probably like for the whites to be like, look at how well he's taking care of nature. For all the Indians to be like,

Speaker 1 we've never seen anything like this. Fuck.
You lot, you should learn something from this guy.

Speaker 1 Hey, why don't we all have turkey together in a couple of weeks? One big old meal.

Speaker 1 That'll be nice.

Speaker 1 The land favor, sorry, the law favored rich and real settlers who lived on it permanently.

Speaker 1 John quote took up land in different parts of the township, but whose sojourn owing to his thriftless disposition was only temporary.

Speaker 1 As soon as settlements began to increase, he disposed of his few improvements. And with a few other spirits as restless and discontented as himself, he drifted further westward.

Speaker 1 So, as people start moving in, he's pushing

Speaker 1 west. Right.

Speaker 1 Which, again, I'm sure like the Native Americans, like, cool. Hey, hang back there for a little while, would you please? We're running out of room over here.
He's like, hello,

Speaker 1 I want some apples. Let's do peaches.

Speaker 1 So, John is very good at planting apple orchards, but his true gift is real estate.

Speaker 1 His time walking the native trails meant he knew the best spots to settle.

Speaker 1 So he was buying, leasing, or just clearing out a few acres and planting nurseries so new inhabitants wouldn't have to, and they'd pay him. So now if you want.
So now he's like, yeah, he's like a

Speaker 1 HGTV show.

Speaker 1 He's like a developer. Yeah, he's just going out there and he's like, this is going to be great.
Yeah. What are you thinking? I'm thinking, apple trees?

Speaker 1 A lot of them.

Speaker 1 So it's genius. Just buying the best land and flipping it would have made him one of the richest men in Ohio, maybe all of America.
But John's a little different.

Speaker 1 First. He gave too many apple trees away to people who couldn't afford them.
How did he give them away? He was like, he didn't like take them out of the ground. He'd be like, this one's yours.

Speaker 1 He would like to plant a few, and then someone would be like, I don't have any. And he'd be like, oh, you can have it.
Yeah. But people are like, yeah, do you do anything besides apple trees?

Speaker 1 These are really. Have a Macintosh.

Speaker 1 He didn't pay attention to stuff like taxes.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, okay. Oh, come on.
Yeah, good. Get that right, Ohio.

Speaker 1 His profits went to buying pastures for abused horses. Oh, that is nice.
I'm not going to lie. It's going to be hard to hit that one.

Speaker 1 Pastures for abused horses. So, all horses back then?

Speaker 1 Every fucking horse?

Speaker 1 Who was the first guy who was like, let's get on its back?

Speaker 1 Charlie, no.

Speaker 1 Sweet mother of God, what is he doing? Woo!

Speaker 1 Check it out!

Speaker 1 The amount of times that didn't work in nature. Watch me get on this puma.

Speaker 1 Sweet God, Charlie!

Speaker 1 I think you can ride gorillas. Charlie, I don't know if that's a good idea.
Watch me mount this one. Yeah, boy.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 let me get on this hyena. Look at that.
All right. Look, the lion's got that beautiful mane, much like the horse I mounted earlier.
Perfect as a riding grabber. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I didn't even eat his throat.

Speaker 1 John probably ran the first horse rescue program in America. He could simply not watch an animal suffer.
Or

Speaker 1 a plant.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is this guy going to eat? I've gone through this.

Speaker 1 That was a strong vegetarian that people are like, have you heard what plants say when you pick them? I was like, huh? Huh?

Speaker 1 That's how you make an apple.

Speaker 1 Here, you want a tomato?

Speaker 1 You feel good?

Speaker 1 My baby, my baby. Help me!

Speaker 1 Christ.

Speaker 1 This total aversion to inflicting

Speaker 1 pain on any living thing is why John didn't graft trees. Oh, he didn't graft them.
He did not graft them. Wait, why?

Speaker 1 He believed trees felt the knife.

Speaker 1 That they had souls, and grafting them did harm.

Speaker 1 Prove him wrong.

Speaker 1 I can't, but fuck, that's tough.

Speaker 1 I was like, okay with grafting until I thought of that. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do.
I really don't.

Speaker 1 I think I guess it's time to just eat each other. I really think that might be, we just have to eat our ways out of this.

Speaker 1 Well, John did it the old-fashioned way.

Speaker 1 John planted apple seeds.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 planting apple seeds at this point was way out of vogue because apples are heterozygous.

Speaker 1 Zygenus? Heterozyginous. Who cares?

Speaker 1 It only bangs apples of the opposite seed.

Speaker 1 Each seed contains genetic coding for 10,000 varieties, and no one knows what type of tree you'll grow by planting a seed.

Speaker 1 To get good, juicy apples, you graft a branch of a good tree to the base of another, and this creates genetic duplicates of the apple you want.

Speaker 1 Johnny quote, They can improve the apple in that way, but that is only a device of man, and it is wicked to cut up trees in that way

Speaker 1 god only can improve the apples i i i'll be honest but i actually don't hate what he's saying i do there is a version of reality where we just went the route of like hey let's just see what earth does yeah we just decided to not do that at all So that's why it seems crazy.

Speaker 1 But at the time to be like, you do not, you let God pick which trees here.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 But then again, if they're all like, you know, Granny Smiths, I'd be like, let's play God for a little while. Yeah, I know.
It's fucking disgusting.

Speaker 1 If it's all red, delicious, I'm like, let's graft every fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do we get the honey, Chris? If everyone's a pink lady, I'd be like, God is real.

Speaker 1 Seeds are also way easier to carry than tree branches. And nobody gave a shit.
about eating good apples. What do you mean? Apples weren't really a food product at this point.

Speaker 1 Well, why did we cover the fucking country in them?

Speaker 1 Apple cider was more popular than beer and wine at that point. Is it alcoholic? Yeah, but.
Oh, yeah, there we go. All right.

Speaker 1 Now I get it. Now I get where they were grafting, too.

Speaker 1 During temperance, they would cut down, temperance loons would cut down apple orchards to be like, where's the skin? That's so frozen. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 We'll figure out other ways to get drunk, you idiot.

Speaker 1 That's it. Now you have no apples.
What are you gonna do? We're drinking gas from this guy's tub.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 We found a loophole.

Speaker 1 We're drinking stuff that you could use in cars. You ever heard of big snops, you fucking idiot?

Speaker 1 Easy, Randall. Settle down there, buddy.
Let's not showboat.

Speaker 1 So, Johnny. As Native Americans like,

Speaker 1 well, we tried. Well,

Speaker 1 good thing they won.

Speaker 1 I told you when they came, they were fucking idiots, right? Like I said, these. Hey, we should have a big meal together.

Speaker 1 We should do a big thing. We'll call it a potluck.
They come over, making everything go.

Speaker 1 Hey, what the hell? How'd you get up there so high?

Speaker 1 What do you call that thing?

Speaker 1 That's crazy.

Speaker 1 I just been getting on Barry's shoulders a bunch.

Speaker 1 So Johnny.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go. Johnny Appleseed.
The one

Speaker 1 was giving people on the edge of the white world what they wanted most, the ability to get drunk.

Speaker 1 He's the real God.

Speaker 1 He was remarkably efficient at getting apples ready for the distillery. He painstakingly planted perfect orchards in lines, carefully cultivating the land.

Speaker 1 He'd even brambles he cleaned, cleared to make a fence to keep out deer. Then he'd just walk away for a year or so, and every year he'd come back and prune.

Speaker 1 But other than nature, he just let it take its course. He'd let it take nature go.
Wow. He didn't like to sit around.

Speaker 1 He's a little Paul Bunyan-y. A little bit.
Yeah. Well, he's tall.
Yeah, that's what I mean. That didn't help.
That didn't help.

Speaker 1 That didn't knock my argument down at all look at the size of him is there an ox back there

Speaker 1 so once he planted odds weren't too bad that the orchards would survive without him uh

Speaker 1 wouldn't uh work if they were for eating because the gross little bitter fruits that came worked fine for booze wait say that again so the apples that are that he's planting are really like bitter not that tasty right but they're good for boozing right yeah right um the funkier the better acidic apples make for better cider.

Speaker 1 I definitely like him saying the funkier, the better, as he's walking from town to town.

Speaker 1 He was one of our sounds like he's in the parliament. Yeah.
Don't worry, baby. The funkier, the better.

Speaker 1 Johnny, boho. I think he's on acid again.
Woo!

Speaker 1 Why do you need a ladder when you got steps in your mud?

Speaker 1 Yabo, dabo, doo.

Speaker 1 Johnny,

Speaker 1 I've been eating these rotten apples for a while now.

Speaker 1 Woo! I wish I had balls to drip off at this point.

Speaker 1 Johnny.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 Johnny's biggest motivation was not apples. Right.

Speaker 1 Sex. It was

Speaker 1 the second great awakening. Oh, no.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh no. Are you about to heavens gate Johnny apple seed? Are you fucking...

Speaker 1 What is he about?

Speaker 1 Oh no. I mail my seed like Elon.

Speaker 1 Johnny, no.

Speaker 1 Here's a little bit of that seed and a little bit of my seed. Oh my God.
We grew a Johnny apple tree.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 In the early to mid-19th century, American. I should have looked up this guy's number, name, how to say it.
It's going to be great.

Speaker 1 In the early mid to 19th century, American religious life was full on fire and brimstone, tent revival Christianity type stuff. But Johnny became enthralled by a Swedish mystic named

Speaker 1 Emmanuel Swedenborg. Emmanuel Swedenborg? The only

Speaker 1 wait, I think that's that's the wrong picture.

Speaker 1 That's the wrong picture. Is it?

Speaker 1 Is it? Yeah, that was to show how drunk Americans were.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I swear to God.

Speaker 1 What just happened to everyone was like, oh, yes.

Speaker 1 I mean, this was one series of pictures where the photographer got the guy drunk. The middle guy's the best, obviously.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I thought that was Swedenborg.

Speaker 1 The 19th century Joe Kako is here.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. That is.

Speaker 1 Ah, this guy. Sorry, that's Swedenborg.
Boo, yeah. For those of us,

Speaker 1 some of us choose to believe that is still the guy.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would follow this guy's religion

Speaker 1 without fucking question.

Speaker 1 Sweetborg. This is the religion.
Everyone just come and look cool, and then we just fucking party.

Speaker 1 All right, Sweetborg, you got a good plan there. God is at the bottom of my glass.

Speaker 1 What was that, Sweetborg? God is at the bottom of my glass. All right.
So at what point do we start doing something with this movement of yours? I've had a real affinity for it for a while.

Speaker 1 What do you think the dancing is?

Speaker 1 We should strive to make the earth as good a place as possible, don't you agree?

Speaker 1 I'm going to lay down after I fuck your wife.

Speaker 1 I hope that's not weird, bro.

Speaker 1 But we last time in my religion. Tink.
Sweetborg, I'm not married. Sweetborg.
You're gonna be. What?

Speaker 1 I'm gonna sign you a lady and then make love to her.

Speaker 1 Are you really the guy? Are you really Swedborg?

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, sure? I've been here for five weeks trying to help you plant trees.

Speaker 1 Alec? What? Hey, hey. What?

Speaker 1 Are you really Swedenborg or are you just some photo mishap?

Speaker 1 I'm not. I went.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You what? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what? Sure. I mean, are you Sweetborg? Who is it at this point? That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 No, Swedborg is the man. We're all Swedborg.

Speaker 1 What is your name?

Speaker 1 Sweet.

Speaker 1 What is your name? Hey, look. No.
Here's what I think. Okay.
No. So we get a bunch of.
Stop it.

Speaker 1 I don't want to hear any more ideas for a party and stop using your tongue like that. Don't touch me.
I was just saying that we got a lot of land here and we got apples and we're Because of me.

Speaker 1 And then, why not have a party?

Speaker 1 It always ends with a party. Why your wife? I don't.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 I think you're just some drunk guy from a photo shoot.

Speaker 1 Swedenborgian Christianity, also known as the New Church,

Speaker 1 is based almost entirely on the fantastically weird visions of Swedenborg, who was an 18th century Swedish aristocrat, scientist, inventor, and mystic who talked to angels, demons, and spirits of dead people from other planets.

Speaker 1 Wow. So he, yeah, all right, you're right, yeah.

Speaker 1 So he.

Speaker 1 So he's enamored with a hundred-year-old... Where is this guy? Well, he's dead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but where was he?

Speaker 1 He was in Sweden. He was.
His name's Swedeborg. So he does sound like a Swedish robot.
So he's a Swedeborg. He's a Swedeborg.

Speaker 1 And he came up with a religion about talking to angels and all that other shit from 100 years prior. Yeah, this is a guy with a severe mental disorder.
Right. Everyone's like, he sounds great.

Speaker 1 Well, he talks to God. He told me.

Speaker 1 And demons. And angels.
Spirits.

Speaker 1 For example. Martians craved order and people on the moon communicated by burping.

Speaker 1 I honestly don't know what's crazier, that they knew about the moon or that burping was common.

Speaker 1 I think it meant that when you burped, that was a Martian

Speaker 1 talking through you. Talking through you.
That's a, by the way, I might steal that. I like that.

Speaker 1 I definitely might steal that. Pardon.
One of those moon Martians wanted to say, good day.

Speaker 1 The literal aspects of their beliefs came from Swedenborg's visions, and this led to some very interesting theories. I mean,

Speaker 1 was he just on drugs?

Speaker 1 No, I really think he has a mental

Speaker 1 Swedenborg believed that every living thing has a spiritual counterpart.

Speaker 1 Plants and animals aren't just for human consumption, they're God's silent messengers and manifestations of human qualities, both good and bad.

Speaker 1 Okay, don't, I mean, again, that's not terrible. No, not terrible.

Speaker 1 So, Johnny practiced extreme non-violence towards nature because of that. Okay.

Speaker 1 Beyond horse rescues and apple pacifism,

Speaker 1 he would not swat a mosquito even if it was biting. Now, that's fucking ludicrous.

Speaker 1 That's the malaria line. You do that.

Speaker 1 Look at him enjoying me. Hey, Johnny, I'm out of here.

Speaker 1 Suck it, my boy.

Speaker 1 You too, Mosquito.

Speaker 1 He once found a wolf pup in a trap and nursed him back to health and raised it as a pet. Blue ox.

Speaker 1 Did they have a pet wolf? Huh? Oh, the blue ox is the pet. Paul Blunt.
It's not like he saved the ox from a trap. You don't know.

Speaker 1 How the fuck do you think he got so blue? Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he always stayed blue and then the oxygen never got back and so you're saying it was a zombie ox

Speaker 1 for the most part.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So we cracked that.

Speaker 1 Next.

Speaker 1 He once put out a campfire to save moths from flying into it. Well, my man,

Speaker 1 you're going to have a life with no fire. I mean, what are you...

Speaker 1 That's their whole thing. That's how they, that's probably their religion.

Speaker 1 Fucking, they quit playing God with moths.

Speaker 1 Quote, God. Oh, no, the devil put out the flame again.
We were just about to go.

Speaker 1 Quote, God forbid that I should build a fire for my comfort that should be the means of destroying any of his creatures.

Speaker 1 So Sweden-Borgians were pacifists.

Speaker 1 Swedenborgians? Borgians. They understood pain or other physical sensations can come from feelings, which made them the most psychologically progressive religious sect of the era.

Speaker 1 They believed being useful was true holiness and thought everyone in heaven had a job and went to work every day. Thought that everyone had to have a job?

Speaker 1 If you went to heaven in heaven, you had a job and you went to work every day. Fucking, well, we've already got that heaven and it ain't great.

Speaker 1 Up until then, though, I'm into it. Yeah, I don't like the work every day in heaven part.
No, that's weird that you go to heaven and it's like, alright, you do sheets.

Speaker 1 What? It was better on earth.

Speaker 1 Hurry up now. That sounds like Protestant heaven.
Lot of beds to make.

Speaker 1 They also believe that adultery, abuse of innocence, and spiritual corruption via sensuality might turn you into a penis-shaped demon on a giant monster whose body was hell itself. So if you

Speaker 1 fuck, you become a hell penis?

Speaker 1 Well, if you abuse innocence

Speaker 1 and I guess spiritual corruption via sensuality, maybe...

Speaker 1 You could have sex in marriage. Yeah, not fun sex, though.

Speaker 1 There's no 69ing in the Swedenborg's version. Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe.
That might be it. We're trying for a baby.

Speaker 1 Just keep saying that in case God's watching.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, both of our heads get pregnant.

Speaker 1 And vamping. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Also, in order to move between worlds, you had to go through the monster's literal asshole.

Speaker 1 That I get.

Speaker 1 That one makes a lot of true. That's still true.
That's still true. Well, yeah, but we're all slowly going through it together right now.

Speaker 1 Just on the journey through the monster's asshole.

Speaker 1 Now, sex is for married people. You'd be matched with your perfect spirit soulmate or soulmates in heaven.

Speaker 1 When asked why he never married, Johnny said two ghost women came to him in a vision and said to stay celibate so the three of them could get rowdy in the afterlife. All right.
Now.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal. If two hot ghost women came to me and were like, do not fuck because after all this it's on i'd be like you got it

Speaker 1 100 not going to be an issue

Speaker 1 i'd be like but then man if i went up there will there be butt stuff

Speaker 1 of course there'll be butt stuff

Speaker 1 whatever you want babe we're so excited to get freaky with you in heaven

Speaker 1 We really want to do a lot of crazy stuff.

Speaker 1 Ever heard of the wheelbarrow?

Speaker 1 sometimes i'll just watch while you do stuff with cynthia over here

Speaker 1 and sometimes we'll all be doing it together

Speaker 1 and then if you're too tired we'll just do stuff with each other

Speaker 1 and then we'll start to sort of develop feelings for each other outside of the thrupple wait what

Speaker 1 and then we'll have trouble telling you that maybe we don't need the penis as much as we just

Speaker 1 need each other.

Speaker 1 What if I go down on you? Well, then we'll slowly start to turn your quarters into a game room

Speaker 1 or a place for me to do my stitching work. We'll all be working in heaven.

Speaker 1 Your sort of toxic traits will slowly be filtered out of the three of us, and we'll realize we thrive better alone.

Speaker 1 And you will have given us your seed earlier, so we'll be able to have a baby.

Speaker 1 Think about it

Speaker 1 no fucking on earth now

Speaker 1 what why do you look so confused I guess I'm gonna plant this seed huh yeah well you're totally gonna plant a seed and then we'll have a daughter It'll for sure be a girl.

Speaker 1 Wait, am I gay? What's happening?

Speaker 1 That's kind of a weird question to ask two ghosts that you'll be involved in a thrupple with in the future.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you're gay.

Speaker 1 So Johnny traveled with satchels full of Swedenborg's books and handed them out or tore out pages to give to families. Here, take a page.
Crazy.

Speaker 1 That's super weird, dude.

Speaker 1 There's no context for this one. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 Gonna go through the monster's asshole.

Speaker 1 Hey, who the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 Why did he have a bunch of branches?

Speaker 1 He would preach to anyone, often uninvited. That's part of the rule.

Speaker 1 When Johnny shut up to someone's house to stay the night, quote, almost the first thing he would do when he entered the house and was weary was to lie down on the floor with his

Speaker 1 knapsack for a pillow, and then he would say, quote, Will you have some fresh news right from heaven?

Speaker 1 And carefully take out his old worn books, a testament, and two or three others, and exponents of the beautiful religion that Johnny so zealously lived out.

Speaker 1 Whose house is he going? Anyone's house?

Speaker 1 Because this is back when you would just stop by and go, I'm hungry, friend. Will you give me a place to sleep and some porridge? Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 What are you doing right now? Let me know if God talks when I wake up.

Speaker 1 Hey, there's a guy who just came into our house. Now he's preaching

Speaker 1 about

Speaker 1 polyghosts. I think I'm trying to figure this out.
Don't even try to figure that out. I don't know what we're going to make him.
He doesn't want any meat. We can't do leaves.

Speaker 1 Do you have some wood that I can gnaw on, friend?

Speaker 1 But it was cut down. Not that sort.

Speaker 1 When someone asked if he was afraid of getting bit by the many venomous snakes as he walked barefoot,

Speaker 1 he said his quote, book is an infallible protection against all danger here and hereafter.

Speaker 1 That's the worst. That is the

Speaker 1 worst.

Speaker 1 That still happens where people are like.

Speaker 1 It was like during COVID where people are like licking grocery store handles and you're like, please, please kill them. Please,

Speaker 1 please kill this TikToker. Please let this TikToker die.
Please, it's all I've asked for. That'll be my religion.
I swear to God, I'll go to church every fucking Sunday.

Speaker 1 Just let that fucking woman die.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was a missionary preaching kindness

Speaker 1 to all living things, and people listened, sort of.

Speaker 1 They were intrigued by the skinny little bearded man who wore rough frayed pantaloons and a burlap sack with armholes cut out. Wait, that's all that fucking picture you showed before was not.

Speaker 1 That was

Speaker 1 the artist took a lot of liberties. That was a cartoon.
Yeah, but that's all I've seen of him so far. So he was just walking around and like eating pants and a potato bag.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Way different.

Speaker 1 No wonder he was talking to ghosts about after-life fucking. Every woman on earth was like,

Speaker 1 How are ya? Mind if I nap under your bench?

Speaker 1 Ha ha.

Speaker 1 Johnny didn't care about fancy things like shirts or shoes. Those things are big city as far as I'm concerned.
What do you say we go out back and plant some trees?

Speaker 1 He once stepped on and crushed a worm, killing it with his boots, and was so beside himself that he vowed to walk barefoot for the rest of his life. And he did.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Look what I've done to the worm. Yeah, I know.
Well, we'll figure it out, Johnny. That'll be okay.
No, we won't. I'm going to walk around without shoes on.
Well, that's that. Then I'll feel the worm.

Speaker 1 Oh, wormy, wormy, wormy.

Speaker 1 Oh, the worm is on my foot. Hey, Johnny, it's us, the spirits from the afterlife.
Hey, hey, what's up? Hey, you guys are the ones that we're going to do. Yeah, no, sorry, we revealed all that.

Speaker 1 Hey, the no-shoe worm thing. Chill out.

Speaker 1 It's a big turn off to be that dire. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You ladies don't like worms. Why me, wormy? Hi, little squirmy, wormy.
Have you ever felt the worm like slithering under your foot, alive and not dead?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, we've never become lesbians faster.

Speaker 1 That was crazy.

Speaker 1 We're not even going to do the thrupple part anymore.

Speaker 1 Seriously, you should do whatever you want on earth. We're going to be a family.
No, no, you're not listening.

Speaker 1 When do men listen? We're going to be a family.

Speaker 1 Okay, honestly.

Speaker 1 Don't love your tone. Now sing with me, wormy, wormy, wormy.

Speaker 1 Squirmy, little wormy

Speaker 1 and then do hey look the worm survived okay now do the lesbian stuff

Speaker 1 I shouldn't have told you this stuff obviously

Speaker 1 can you send some pictures

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 so many limitations

Speaker 1 okay just okay okay

Speaker 1 so through thorny brambles and slippery ice he would go entire winter shoeless and survive somehow.

Speaker 1 Gareth, he also wore a pot on his head.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So no shoes, but a pot.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 he's a pothead.

Speaker 1 Mostly for convenience. He needed to cook stews and boiled vegetables, but he didn't want to carry it.
And it's

Speaker 1 helmet. Can you imagine like going out with him and being like, let's eat?

Speaker 1 Ah, there you go.

Speaker 1 Oh, look, there's some little protein in there already. There we go.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Well, y'all have a good day.

Speaker 1 I got none of them shoes on. No, but he's got a pot on his head.
Should we be listening to this guy here? No, probably not.

Speaker 1 Boy, oh, boy.

Speaker 1 He's got such a great message, but then he puts a pot on his head. We should all listen to Earth, and we should make sure we're not injuring any beings that we don't have to.
What a fantastic message.

Speaker 1 All right, see y'all later.

Speaker 1 Ow, fuck!

Speaker 1 Ow, fuck again!

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, nobody, everybody knows he wore the pot on his head, but nobody talks about it.

Speaker 1 Well, it's time to bring that up.

Speaker 1 That's not okay.

Speaker 1 That's toddler behavior. That man has a beard.

Speaker 1 I mean, really, if we're really going to dig into it, really dig into it. Dave, there's some flags.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 there's no way he washed it, right? Because if he's out in the middle, if he's not. Well, here's what I'll say: he was boiling stuff in it, probably.
So he was probably, there was probably some

Speaker 1 if he wasn't boiling and it was cooking. Either way, it's unacceptable.
What if it's a stew of some sort?

Speaker 1 It's unacceptable.

Speaker 1 So he's...

Speaker 1 The smell.

Speaker 1 When he cooked,

Speaker 1 it must have already been filled with dirt and sweat because it's on his head.

Speaker 1 And then when he put it on in the morning, it was sticky with food.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was probably. So his hair is like full of...
I mean, he just fucking had goulash hair. So he probably.

Speaker 1 So let's just agree that Johnny Apple's seat smelled fucking horrible.

Speaker 1 Not only horrible. Look, he was.
Look.

Speaker 1 He was wearing a potato. The best thing he was wearing was ripped pants.
He had a potato sack on, no shoes, and a cooking pot that he cooked in on his head.

Speaker 1 I mean.

Speaker 1 Gareth, he also loved snuff and had beautiful teeth.

Speaker 1 He loved snuff and had beautiful teeth. Well, I mean, I guess if you snuff, it's not going to affect your teeth.

Speaker 1 And snuff and nose? So he's got a beautiful smile and a pot on his head. Yeah.
And he's just putting tobacco in his nose all day? Yeah, what would you you do?

Speaker 1 And then people would smile and be like, that can't stay mad at you.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to eat this motherfucker's apples anymore. How about that?

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That is a minty phone. Let me lick mine again.

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Speaker 1 See website for for details restrictions and important safety information so even before he started wearing the pot on his head his fashion sense wasn't great and for a while he just wore an old military tricorn hat which is that right there

Speaker 1 i mean can you imagine being the person who's like do you want to change your hat

Speaker 1 What is the pot about? Oh, like you said, maybe it's time to change the headwear. I'm wearing a pot.
You know, the other one was better, Johnny. The other one was pretty good.
Go back to the tricorn.

Speaker 1 Quote: The sides were ripped and it flopped in the wind on a head covered with long black hair, a face and long beard, and dark black eyes peering out from the vast undergrowth, and a body enveloped in a coffee sack with a hole through which he had run his head.

Speaker 1 It was enough to frighten any honest Dutchman almost out of his wits.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, John, Jesus Christ. Hello.
I thought you were a puppy man.

Speaker 1 Oh, scaring the shit out of people. Jesus Christ.
The real Johnny Apple ski scared the living shit out of people. Just raining and dark.
You want an apple? Oh, my God. What the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. Hi, buddy.
How are you?

Speaker 1 It's just me and my wolf. Oh, cool.
That's cool.

Speaker 1 All right. No shoes, huh? I killed a worm once.
Right.

Speaker 1 Okey-dokie. This is good.
I'm glad we were. What would you like to come in? Don't lay down.
Are you sleeping? What happened? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my God. Put out the fire, the moths!

Speaker 1 Honey, I mean, I don't know what the... Hurry up.
I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 Despite this, he was, quote, regarded by the few settlers just then beginning to make their appearance in the country with a degree of almost superstitious admiration. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because everybody out there was out of their fucking minds. Yeah, and it was probably, well, he probably, like, if he was good with nature, people would probably be like, this guy gets it.

Speaker 1 But then, I mean, there's a lot of stuff that's just. There's a lot of red flags.
Yeah, he's all red flags. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, he should be wearing that top. He's so red-flagged.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 One article said he was respected by even the rudest frontiersmen. But Johnny liked everybody except

Speaker 1 landlords.

Speaker 1 Due to his paranormal celibacy and dressing and smelling

Speaker 1 by the way, that is the best way to

Speaker 1 I'm paranormal celibate.

Speaker 1 When I go up there, I'm going to fuck the shit out of these two women.

Speaker 1 Till then, I'm unfuckable.

Speaker 1 And dressing and smelling as if Yosemite Sand was homeless, Johnny never had kids.

Speaker 1 Oh shit. He loved, he loved kids.

Speaker 1 He'd find bits of ribbon on his travels and give them to little girls who out in the wilderness rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, an era where like ribbon was like, oh my god,

Speaker 1 there you are. My life is made.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 In the wilderness, they rarely had a chance to play with anything bright and shiny, so they loved him.

Speaker 1 And to entertain boys, he'd show off his feet, which were so calloused it looked like he was wearing old leather shoes.

Speaker 1 I got your sister some ribbon. And what'd you get for Hank here? He could play with my feet.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Really digging the calluses. There you go.

Speaker 1 Don't be afraid to do whatever you want on him. There you go.
Get in there. I'll tell you what, boys, the dirt ain't never coming out.

Speaker 1 Did I tell you about that time I stepped on a worm?

Speaker 1 There you go. He would plunge needles.

Speaker 1 And we really appreciate the lace that you gave to our daughter, but he would plunge needles and pins into his feet without flinching and even walk over hot coals. And the boys went ape shit for it.

Speaker 1 By the way, all right.

Speaker 1 Let's say you're eight years old. Yes.

Speaker 1 And a dude with a pot on his head comes over

Speaker 1 and he lets you fucking fondle his feet and then he starts popping needles into him and then for the grand finale he walks on fire

Speaker 1 and then insists on putting it out because it's not fair to moths. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, I will follow this man anywhere he goes.

Speaker 1 Within four hours, I'll be like 13 years old on a Bjorn in his chest.

Speaker 1 Hey, the rest of your life, you'd be like, Did I ever tell you the time when Johnny Appleseed came over and let me put a needle into his foot?

Speaker 1 You like that, huh?

Speaker 1 Johnny still, according to a source, was quote, as odd as can be.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He may have been kicked in the head by a horse and a frontier doctor cut out a piece of his skull to relieve pressure on his brain. Okay, so let's let's

Speaker 1 that may have happened. So

Speaker 1 maybe got a lobotomy. He may have.
He may have had a little...

Speaker 1 A horse may have kicked his head and a doctor in the 1800s was like, there we are. Nah, that's nice.
Now you've got a little stress ball zone on your head.

Speaker 1 It's like gak.

Speaker 1 There you are, Johnny. You know what I'd recommend? Wear a pot on your head.
That'll protect you.

Speaker 1 Okey-dokey.

Speaker 1 There you go, boy. Can I fuck a ghost? Sure.

Speaker 1 Get out of here, you.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, those needles are for surgery.

Speaker 1 Johnny was a loner who, quote, absorbed the wilderness and became it and was a powerful and unavoidable personality.

Speaker 1 Everyone welcomed him, including most Native Americans who lands were being stolen by white guys who looked exactly like Johnny. Well, not exactly like Johnny.

Speaker 1 So Johnny made his way to the Ohio frontier by catamaran. Wow.
And by that, I mean two pieces of wood tied together with leather.

Speaker 1 So it's full of wolves and wild boars and bears and black rattlesnakes. I guarantee you boars are like, let this one go.

Speaker 1 Let him through. We don't want that smoke.
Fucking weirdo.

Speaker 1 Jidam might have been the only traveler back then who carried no weapons. He'd rather be bitten or mauled than hurt any of God's creatures.

Speaker 1 He just, uh, he just, he settled in a place called Owl Creek, and he only has two sets of neighbors.

Speaker 1 John Stiley, who was the first white settler, his wife, and soon to be 12 children. Jesus, crow, well, that's why you you got to have a neighbor.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, it's just every year you're like, let's have another one.

Speaker 1 They're perennials.

Speaker 1 We'll probably fuck this up, but style was captioned by the Wyandotte tribe. Wyandotte?

Speaker 1 All right, we got that one. Are they still alive?

Speaker 1 Alrighty. Oh, they are?

Speaker 1 They're not?

Speaker 1 Do they have a casino? Oh.

Speaker 1 There's a water park named after them.

Speaker 1 Talk about honoring the ancestors.

Speaker 1 Aren't whites great?

Speaker 1 Have we not done enough?

Speaker 1 Stiley was captured by the Wyandotte tribe as a kid with his adoptive family, but when they were released, he decided to stay with the tribe.

Speaker 1 I totally get it.

Speaker 1 And then he became an honored fighter for the tribe. There was also a, quote, half-crazed squatter named Andy Craig.
We all know this guy. Andy Craig, the squad.
Andy fucking Craig. Crazy squatter.

Speaker 1 Andy fucking Craig. He lived with a, quote, great raw-boned woman who stole from her husband.
Other frontiersmen said. A raw-boned woman? Raw-boned woman, yeah.

Speaker 1 My dad dated one of them. Huh?

Speaker 1 A raw-boned woman.

Speaker 1 A skeleton. No.

Speaker 1 Other frontiersmen said, quote, why he should have taken her into the wilderness for a sleeping companion, I can't see.

Speaker 1 I'd as soon have slept with a man as her.

Speaker 1 So she was

Speaker 1 gender fluid.

Speaker 1 She wasn't

Speaker 1 feminine as the.

Speaker 1 So they're saying raw-boned means masculine. Yeah, masculine lady.
Yeah. And the other guy was like, look, man, I'm into that.
I was like, fine. Yeah.
Cool. Cool.

Speaker 1 Johnny lived off the. The real Mike Johnson type.

Speaker 1 Whatever happened with that guy say he was going to drop his Grindr profile. That guy fucking freaked out.
That guy was like, freaked out, got a lawyer. Oh, that's right.
He did. He got scared.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He was like, gonna do it.
And then he was like, oh, shit. Oh, God, I gotta hire him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Johnny lived off, whatever. Like most guys on Grinder, he talks a big game until he shows up.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, really? I hear you.

Speaker 1 You know, when I went to the Charlie Kirk Memorial, Mike Grinder,

Speaker 1 what are you doing? No.

Speaker 1 My app kept shutting down. You what? My Grinder app kept shutting down.
It was like, it was like clogged or something. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Johnny lived off what nature gave him: wild berries, nuts, herbs, people's leftovers, and when lucky, his favorite corn, mush, and milk.

Speaker 1 All right, let's be honest. This guy needed a modium AD more than any person of all time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He only ate what people gave him. Here you go.
Here's some sludge. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Now I'm going to have some apples.

Speaker 1 Now some mushed corn. Yeah.
How about a little milk? Well, Johnny, good luck.

Speaker 1 I also use this pot as a toilet. Johnny.

Speaker 1 Johnny.

Speaker 1 He used plants as medicine, catnip for the stomach, nervous conditions, and colds, fennel for indigestion, gout, and lupus. Whohound for coughs, colds.
What was the last one? Whoarhound.

Speaker 1 Whohound.

Speaker 1 For coughs, colds, and as a ton.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite new spice to go to the grocery store and ask if they have. Got any whorehound? I'm gonna braise some pork tonight.
I found the cumin. Where's the whorehound?

Speaker 1 As the years passed, his connection with the natural bonded with nature, sorry, bonded him with local tribes. The natives, quote, could read his character at a glance.

Speaker 1 All was revealed by his eye, as clear as the sunlight of God. He has without selfishness.

Speaker 1 So the beginning of Johnny turning into a myth was the War of 1812 when Native peoples teamed up with the British to fight the Americans.

Speaker 1 So when the fighting started, Johnny was in Mansfield, Ohio, and a local militia, and the army got a priest to persuade the local tribe to surrender by saying after they surrendered, they could return to their land after the war.

Speaker 1 And that held.

Speaker 1 And then the army burnt the village and shot and beheaded and scalped a leader. The natives assembled the war party near Mansfield.
Their chants could be heard, and attacks imminent.

Speaker 1 And so the town asked for one brave soul to warn all nearby settlers, run through the wilderness, and the natives to get word to the army.

Speaker 1 Quote, a volunteer was asked for, and a tall, lanky man said to Merley, I'll go.

Speaker 1 He was barefooted.

Speaker 1 Excuse, is that what do you have on your head there? A pan? And unarmed.

Speaker 1 Sir.

Speaker 1 His manner was meek, and you had to look

Speaker 1 the second time into his clear blue eyes to fully fathom the courage and determination shone in their depths.

Speaker 1 There was an expression in his countenance such as limners try to portray in their pictures of saints. So Johnny runs cabin to cabin at midnight, and he runs 26 miles.

Speaker 1 Would you listen to this guy if he came to your cabin? No.

Speaker 1 You got to get out of here. You got to get out of here, motherfucker.
Get out of here. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 26 miles, at least one family was killed, as well as the priest who convinced the natives to vacate.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 But the rest of the town was saved, and his midnight run cemented him in history books. A cookie guy running 26 miles barefooted in one night.
And that's where we got the marathon from.

Speaker 1 That's right. People don't know that.
People don't know that. That's why I Johnny began heading towards Indiana.

Speaker 1 His flipping land business brought in enough money to buy land and donate it to the new church for a college. So he made so much money that he got the new church a college.

Speaker 1 The church wrote of his life and success in the new world and his fame as... So they meant it was a college about him.
It wasn't named for him, but it was. No, but it was like Trump U.

Speaker 1 They were like, here's how you do it.

Speaker 1 They all, like, at their graduating class, they all throw little pots in the air.

Speaker 1 Fuck!

Speaker 1 16 dad at the graduating class this year at Appleseed.

Speaker 1 The Johnny Appleseed University.

Speaker 1 He's flipping out. He's making money.
Now

Speaker 1 he's famous among the Swede. Swedenborgians.

Speaker 1 What a group to be a hero with.

Speaker 1 So he's now in his 50s and he's getting weirder. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 He starts threatening to sue farmers who claimed his orchards, but he's doing it really casually.

Speaker 1 Quote, he did not seem very anxious about it and continued walking to and fro as he talked and at the same time continued eating nuts. Eating nuts?

Speaker 1 So he's threatening to sue someone while he's just kind of walking back and forth and eating nuts.

Speaker 1 But he probably always had to eat nuts because he couldn't eat that much. I still he shouldn't be eating nuts in my opinion based on his previous thoughts.
It seemed nuts have feelings.

Speaker 1 Nuts come from rocks.

Speaker 1 Believe me, nuts have feelings.

Speaker 1 So people start to sour on Johnny Appleseed. That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 1 You know what? Fuck this guy. Honestly, this is crazy.

Speaker 1 And this included the Putnam family who were related by half-siblings. One of the Putnams, quote, father said that Johnny Appleseed was nothing but a bum, that all he did was come and sponge.

Speaker 1 He could come and stay and eat and eat and eat until you finally shoved him out and sent him on his merry way,

Speaker 1 whenever he was coming. Dad was really mad and didn't want him around.
But so he would eat. So maybe he would just eat if you prepped a meal.
Or he was picky about what he was eating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he might have been loophole. Oh, he's like, oh, you already made the duck? All right, I I guess.
Like, he was probably doing that.

Speaker 1 He's probably eating like a fucking king. Yeah.
He's like, no more roast beef since you already got it, like, all killed and everything. No, don't be, don't be crazy.

Speaker 1 Keep going. Oh, is it sirloin night?

Speaker 1 Oh, gosh. Well, I guess it's already been killed.
Mind if I put some shoes on? I'm really changing.

Speaker 1 He just loves slippers.

Speaker 1 His fashion changed. Oh, one did he.

Speaker 1 Quote, he wore a pyramid of three hats.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Three hats now?

Speaker 1 Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Like, if he needed a friend, Johnny needed a friend.
Johnny needed one guy to be like, Johnny, look. Okay.
I love you.

Speaker 1 The two hats I get because the first was a brim and the next was the cooking pot. So that makes sense.
No, it doesn't. A hat under the cooking pot.
No, it doesn't. It keeps the pot clean.

Speaker 1 Nope, just carry a pot. Tie it to your bindle sniff or whatever the fuck you're rocking.

Speaker 1 And then on top of all that was a hat with a crown. Okay.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 He was, oh man, he would do bad at the No Kings March. They'd be like, Johnny, no.

Speaker 1 I'm the Apple King. No, Johnny, no.

Speaker 1 The sum total was of extremely odd, rather ingenious. That's insane.

Speaker 1 It enabled him to carry not only his kettle, but his treasure of sacred literature sandwiched between the pot and the crown of the uppermost hat. Wait, wait.
What happened to the carrier?

Speaker 1 He had his stuff in a carrier at one point. Well, now he's got it up there.
So now he's wearing a pot, a brimmed hat, a crown, and books.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, it's like a library, and it keeps the books dry because they're under the pot, and his hands are left free to deal with the seed bags and the tools and stuff.

Speaker 1 What about a knapsack or a bag? Surely they had other things. I mean, I know they had other shit invented by then.
Well, he doesn't need those because he has a pot and a hat.

Speaker 1 No, he does because he's wearing a fucking, he is a totem pole. No wonder we needed a ladder.

Speaker 1 He doesn't need a knapsack. He's got a hat and a pot and a hat.

Speaker 1 If he hangs out with a monkey, I'm going to leave the goddamn stage.

Speaker 1 And then he got a monkey.

Speaker 1 Get on his back, boys.

Speaker 1 So he ages into his 60s, which is pretty shocking for a guy who goes who's sleeping outside, walking around barefoot, and everything else.

Speaker 1 This has got to be a crazy time. He starts to become a little cranky

Speaker 1 while staying with a Quaker. He's a crab apple.

Speaker 1 While staying with a Quaker.

Speaker 1 Well, that's a reality show.

Speaker 1 On an all-new Quaker in the nut.

Speaker 1 They keep encroaching on what we should do. You know what? I'm going to put a syringe through my foot.

Speaker 1 While standing with the Quaker, he threw the Quaker's Universalist Christian book on the ground in disgust.

Speaker 1 He also, quote, frequently rebuked the young men for their levity and appeared much displeased if they were not attentive hearers. So he's getting old and irritated.
All right. Listen to me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, he's putting a knitting needle through his heel.

Speaker 1 In March of 1945, Johnny at 70 marched 15 miles through snow and rain to fix a bramble fence at one of his orchards.

Speaker 1 At a cabin belonging to William Worth and his family, he asked for a roof over his head, and they happily obliged, as they'd done many times. He ate alone on the floor, as usual.
I'm a dog.

Speaker 1 And they gave him, and gave the people the good news, quote, right fresh from heaven.

Speaker 1 Johnny slept by the fire. Wait, what was the good news? I'm sure it was godshit.

Speaker 1 Don't kill moths. Whatever.

Speaker 1 Johnny slept by the fire, but by morning he had a fever and could not speak. Finally.

Speaker 1 We finally have the best Johnny ever.

Speaker 1 And then he died. Can you imagine being the fucking person with the house? Oh,

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 Johnny Appleseed's dead by our fire.

Speaker 1 And then you eat him.

Speaker 1 Who are those two hot ghosts over him?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, dude. And then all of a sudden, there are three ghosts.

Speaker 1 One's doing anal, and the other one, the whole fucking thing was crazy.

Speaker 1 Man, uh...

Speaker 1 And then what happened, sir? Then they just titty fucked him by the fire for a little while. I don't know.
It was totally insane.

Speaker 1 It was crazy. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 And then they put a bunch of splinters in his feet and stuff like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was pretty hot, though. That part was.

Speaker 1 That was pretty hot. Killing him.
I owned it. I noticed some stuff that I guess it kind of opens some stuff up in me, you know what I mean? And I just.
Just Johnny Apple's.

Speaker 1 I never really looked at intimacy though. Go to heaven already.
Go to heaven. Oh my God.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Johnny, stop.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, I waited so long. Yes.

Speaker 1 Jesus, Johnny. This feels great.

Speaker 1 This reminds me of when I put it in an apple. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Jesus, Christ. So we have a, I mean, it's like a, it's like an always-coming ghost in our house, and it's

Speaker 1 really bad. Woo!

Speaker 1 It does that all the time. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 And honestly, we it feels so good from the tip to the base.

Speaker 1 We would be fine with it not being there if it was just quiet. Whoa.

Speaker 1 And sometimes the

Speaker 1 yeah, we just need

Speaker 1 feeling hot, hot, hot, da-da-da-da-da, banana,

Speaker 1 feeling hot, hot, hot, banana, banana up, banana,

Speaker 1 and then you think it's it's

Speaker 1 you think it's quiet for a minute and the songs stopped, and like, oh, maybe you'll go to sleep for a little while because you know,

Speaker 1 you know, you need some kind of sleep. I'm gonna go to boom, bum, bum, bum, banana,

Speaker 1 banana up.

Speaker 1 We found out this is from Search

Speaker 1 We found out that goes

Speaker 1 baby

Speaker 1 Ghosts don't sleep after a while

Speaker 1 They're not people

Speaker 1 way. Hurts in a good way.
It hurts in a good way. Ghosts, it turns out.
Oh, ah, ah, that's it. I'm done.

Speaker 1 They can come over and over and over.

Speaker 1 They never get tired.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. So, anyway, anyway, that's why I'm

Speaker 1 calling the ghost hunters on.

Speaker 1 I just need you guys to come in and help me out here. Oh, my God.
I don't think we're going to be able to sell the house. Oh, here I go again.

Speaker 1 Oh the new shift son.

Speaker 1 Don't mind if I do.

Speaker 1 Oh

Speaker 1 I got some wood to graft to you.

Speaker 1 Anyone have a smoke?

Speaker 1 The doctor pronouncement dead told everyone that he'd never seen such a serene look on a corpse in his life. Well, I think we know why.

Speaker 1 Holy Christ, look at his eyes.

Speaker 1 Did he smiling when he slept, or was that just after

Speaker 1 much later? The Worth family would say that the body was practically glowing with tranquility.

Speaker 1 I'll bet it were.

Speaker 1 For his final outfit,

Speaker 1 he wore, quote, the waists of four pairs of pants.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 The waists? That's what it says. It's a quote.

Speaker 1 What, like, just the elastic?

Speaker 1 These were cut off at the forks, ripped up at the sides, and the fronts thrown away, saving the waistband attached to the hinder part.

Speaker 1 These hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles,

Speaker 1 so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.

Speaker 1 Over top it all, next to the Chapman's skin, was a coarse coffee sack with holes cut out for the arms and head, and, quote, what was once pantaloons.

Speaker 1 What was once pantaloons?

Speaker 1 He cut off the butt part of the four pairs of pants and buttoned together as some sort of super pants.

Speaker 1 It's called fashion.

Speaker 1 That sounds like something Yay would make.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck is that quote from who came up with super pants? Don't worry about it. Super pants.
Mind your pants.

Speaker 1 Will you please tell me what he wore one more time?

Speaker 1 The waists of four pairs of pants. Which is already not okay.

Speaker 1 These were cut off at the forks. The forks? I believe that's the.
So they're like. Okay, so we wore like booty shorts.
Like Daddy's. So we wore four pairs of booty shorts.

Speaker 1 Ripped up at the sides. They're just so juicy on the backs, Johnny.

Speaker 1 So they're ripped up at the sides. The hinder parts thrown away.
It's mini skirts. Well,

Speaker 1 so it's open at the front. Mini, yeah.
No, because the mini the mini skirt doesn't isn't like here's my genitals. These are open at the front.
Bro, have you ever, what? Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Saving the waistband attached to the hinder part.

Speaker 1 So the back

Speaker 1 ass part is covered. The hinder parts were buttoned around him, lapping like shingles so as to cover the whole lower part of his body.
So

Speaker 1 there's four butt parts.

Speaker 1 It's a lower cape.

Speaker 1 I think what he's wearing is a smock.

Speaker 1 It's a lower cape. It's the back.
Yeah, he's wearing a smock.

Speaker 1 Are smocks in the back? Smocks are in the front. Well, yeah, but it's like smock technology.

Speaker 1 It's a reverse smock. He's wearing a backwards apron.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine this fucking like legend showing up in a backwards apron? What's for sepper? And then dying in front of your fire? Like, the fuck? They're gonna think we did this to him.

Speaker 1 We're gonna be implicated in the weirdest murder of our time.

Speaker 1 We need to get him in the attic. There's no stairs up there, you idiot.

Speaker 1 If only technology would give us a way.

Speaker 1 It's four smocks. Four smocks.
Four smocks at the back. And then he's just got like a little fucking mini skirt on at the front.

Speaker 1 You know, know you try to you try to like and no shoes because he stepped on a worm once three hats this is and then coffee you're mad at fashion no I'm flagging this over top it all next to the chapman skin I don't know what chapman's skin is doesn't matter at this point

Speaker 1 Was a coarse coffee sack with the holes cut out for arms and head that was once pantaloons.

Speaker 1 That was once pantaloons. I think the coffee sack used to be pantaloons.
Pants, but only only for one person, him. Him, yeah.
Yeah, so he eventually was like, you know what?

Speaker 1 The downstairs is really taking care of itself. But I'll bet you I could wear my old coffee bag pants as a shirt.

Speaker 1 So he cut off the butt part of four pairs of pants and buttoned them together like some sort of super pants.

Speaker 1 It makes sense if you think about it.

Speaker 1 And then he shows up and you're like,

Speaker 1 how are you, Johnny? Good, pretty good. Nobody's giving me credit for nothing no more.
I

Speaker 1 basically built this country. Is it time for supper? Oh, that's good.
No, no, put it in a bowl. I'll eat it off the floor like a canine.
Whoo, I'm pooped. All right.
Hey, I'm awake. I'm very sick.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 And then Tim Gunn comes in. And what are you doing here?

Speaker 1 We don't know who he is. I love this.
This is amazing. No, we don't know him.
Great.

Speaker 1 His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money, which was. In today's money? Yes.
His estate was valued at $15,000 in today's money.

Speaker 1 All that. Well, he gave it all to the church.
I know, but still, for someone to come in and be like, all right, this is $2.

Speaker 1 I'm sure he had a pot,

Speaker 1 a pot fund.

Speaker 1 All was sold to pay back taxes or debt. And then tributes poured in.
Sam Houston,

Speaker 1 William Tecunzo Sherman, all these big famous guys are like, I love Johnny Appleseed.

Speaker 1 A Harper's article by Charles Alan Smart described what his life meant. He embodies, quote, the America that has never been interested in money or public opinion,

Speaker 1 that has been friendly, sensible, and brave instead of aggressive and bloody, that has nurtured life instead of destroying it, and that has been sensitive to the beauty of this continent and done something to create here a civilization.

Speaker 1 Johnny Appleseed stands for ourselves at our best.

Speaker 1 Not wrong.

Speaker 1 Not right either. Not wrong and not right, without question.
But it definitely. Look,

Speaker 1 I would rather a country of Johnny apple seeds.

Speaker 1 That would be better. Yeah.
Yeah. Then.

Speaker 1 We act like we hate nature. I mean, basically.
Yeah. And it all.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 1 But yes, maybe a better.

Speaker 1 He smelled really bad. And yeah, look, he's a flawed messenger.
He is a

Speaker 1 the Messiah had a pot on its head.

Speaker 1 But there is something to that idea that, like,

Speaker 1 all the

Speaker 1 general thinking behind everything he was doing is great. It's far closer to what it should be.
It's just,

Speaker 1 and then towards the end, he got bitter, and he obviously just wore four aprons backwards. But

Speaker 1 that is better. I mean, that is a way better way than now where you're like, what are you going to do? Save a tree? Shut up, fucking loser.
Yeah, tree, fucking tree hugger.

Speaker 1 Are you mad that I like trees? By the way, anyone who calls you a tree hugger has never taken mushrooms. There's nothing better on mushrooms than hugging a tree.

Speaker 1 You gain all of its knowledge in exchange for some of your water.

Speaker 1 It's pretty fucking straightforward.

Speaker 1 I'd fuck a tree on mushrooms.

Speaker 1 Great. How great would it be to hang out with Johnny Appleseed on mushrooms? Oh my God.

Speaker 1 You don't tell him, though? It wouldn't be that great.

Speaker 1 You don't tell him? He'd be just going off. Man, these trees are fucking humming right now, dude.

Speaker 1 Don't say that too much. You keep saying that.
Right over here.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. I want to hug this tree.
Star, keep going. They're messing up the pace.

Speaker 1 Research was done by Josh and Drowski.

Speaker 1 Johnny Appleseed, The Man, the Myth, The American Story by Howard Means. Johnny Appleseed, a pioneer hero by W.D.
Haley and Harper's Magazine.

Speaker 1 Wow. That's it.
Wow.

Speaker 1 It's also fun to picture this thing banging two ghosts.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Well, that was

Speaker 1 Johnny Apple. Story of Paul Bunyan.

Speaker 1 It's not the same as what you're told as a child. No.

Speaker 1 No, they really did sanitize that. They really did a good job of taking out a lot of the weird stuff, to be quite honest.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It might be one of the only times where, like, American history, they were like, these cuts are valid.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Like, they just hung in there with, like, the, his name was Johnny Appleseed.
He loved trees. What did he wear? There'll be no more questions.

Speaker 1 Cut the mic. Cut the mic.
What was his favorite shoe? Shut up. Cut the mic.

Speaker 1 Did he ever hurt a worm? Stop. All right, shut the lights off.
Was he married? All right, that's it. Show's over.
Show's over, everybody.

Speaker 1 Show is over. Thank you, everybody.
Thanks for coming. Oh, and if you're...

Speaker 1 If you are a, if you paid for the meet and greet VIP thing, stick around, sit up front. Thank you, everybody.
Thanks, Clemens. Appreciate it.

Speaker 4 What's up, doll heads? Just a reminder, always throw those doll heads on stage. We love them.
Hey, Gareth Reynolds here.

Speaker 4 I will be at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, California, November 6th through November 8th. I will be at the Omaha Funnybone the 28th and 29th of November.

Speaker 4 And I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia on December 2nd, Seattle, December 3rd, and Eugene, December 4th. Go to GarethReynolds.com for tickets and information.