148 - The Past Times with Ariel Elias

Speaker 1 Malcolm Glaubel here.

Speaker 2 This season on Revisionist History, we're going back to the spring of 1988 to a town in northwest Alabama where a man committed a crime that would spiral out of control.

Speaker 3 There was this joke that said that it was easier to get forgiveness in the Church of Christ for murdering somebody than it was to be divorced.

Speaker 2 From Revisionist History, this is the Alabama Murders. Listen to Revisionist History, The Alabama Murders, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 It is fall 2025. The Dollop podcast is going on tour in October.

Speaker 1 October 20th will be at the Vic Theater in Chicago. October 21st will be at the Kent Stage in Cleveland.
October 22nd, Lincoln Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

Speaker 1 October 23rd, the Old National Center in Indianapolis. The 26th, the Barrymore Theater in Madison.
The 27th, Turner Hall in Milwaukee. 28th, Pantages Theater in Minneapolis.

Speaker 1 October 29th, the Uptown Theater in Kansas City. And then finally, October 30th, we will be at Cervantis.

Speaker 1 Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom in Denver, Colorado. You go to get tickets at dollapodcast.com/slash tour.

Speaker 1 That is this October 2025.

Speaker 5 All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

Speaker 5 Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony.

Speaker 5 I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, the great Arielle Elliot.

Speaker 4 Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 6 Thanks, it's Elias.

Speaker 4 Elias. Damn it.

Speaker 1 Well done.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Can you believe this guy?

Speaker 4 How did did I say it?

Speaker 1 Elias.

Speaker 4 Elias. Elias.
That's okay.

Speaker 6 Gary's usually get it wrong.

Speaker 4 It's just the pain of that.

Speaker 1 See, that's the thing.

Speaker 4 I don't need to get anyone's name right who likes the show.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 4 You were just talking about how Lester Holtz Dog is a real piece of crap.

Speaker 4 Which is so validating.

Speaker 1 She wouldn't want to.

Speaker 6 She refused. She's so annoying.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, seriously? Really? So, what did you do? Drag her, carry her? What'd you do?

Speaker 6 I would like to stand there in the middle of Soho and be like, please.

Speaker 1 Just move.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 6 Just move.

Speaker 1 What kind of dog doesn't want to walk?

Speaker 4 I mean, old ones, but if it's not old, there's no excuse.

Speaker 1 Some dogs are old.

Speaker 6 Just a shitty little doodle.

Speaker 4 I've always felt bad for dogs in New York when they have to crap on concrete.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 4 they don't feel like they're into this.

Speaker 6 People. Do you feel bad for the people who do it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're the same in the end.

Speaker 1 All right. Anyway.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 you have a great

Speaker 6 episode.

Speaker 4 I'm pretty sure we should just go to the last article.

Speaker 4 Your special, a Jewish star on YouTube.

Speaker 4 You're surrounded by jokes because you wrote a joke a day for a year.

Speaker 4 But we're very thankful to have you here. Everyone should go check check out your special for free on youtube a jewish star

Speaker 4 um and then we were also talking about and i'm sure you're probably are you sick of talking about when these rednecks tossed a beer at you you gotta be sick

Speaker 6 uh you know

Speaker 6 not really because i i love attention so whoever i'm getting it is fine yeah um

Speaker 6 they were new jersey rednecks too i feel like you know whenever people are like where did this happen i'm like new jersey and they're like really and i'm like yeah it's not surprising if you've ever been to New Jersey.

Speaker 1 Yes, having done stand-up in New Jersey, yes.

Speaker 4 I think the largest on-stage argument I've ever had was when

Speaker 4 this table of Jersey lunatics was like arguing pro-billionaire points to me during my show in bananas, which is really just two conference rooms put together in a Jersey hotel.

Speaker 4 It was a real low point. What club did it happen at?

Speaker 4 Where I just, I'm sure people know, but some people fucking threw a beer at you while you were performing, and you had the fantastic wherewithal to drink the beer at your feet, and then it just fucking exploded.

Speaker 4 Every comedy, there were, I never heard so many comedians jealous of not having a drink thrown at them because nobody ever thought to drink the drink.

Speaker 6 Which is funny because it's a lot of alcoholics.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 4 it's crazy. Yeah, but issues too.
They felt like they weren't good enough. You kind of had the Venn diagram of the smarts and the savviness, yeah,

Speaker 4 it was a past, was it not?

Speaker 6 It was a path.

Speaker 4 What drink was it?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, it was a high noon, high noon, high noon, interesting, interesting. Why is that interesting?

Speaker 4 Because it seems like it's a little high class for people who would toss it.

Speaker 4 Like, if it was a papst, I've thrown a lot of paps at people, but a pricier beer, like an IPA, I just spit at them or punch them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 6 A white call would have made more sense.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 But that was quite, that was crazy. That was such a, that was a couple years ago, but that was fucking nuts.
It got, it blew up.

Speaker 4 I'm just.

Speaker 1 Yes, you have

Speaker 1 a Jewish star available for free on YouTube.

Speaker 4 All right, well, you know what we're going to do. We're going to go through an old newspaper.
It doesn't sound great as a log line, but it's going to be great.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 we're going to let you guess what year you think it's from. Dave, do you want to read her a headline just so we can maybe

Speaker 4 try to guess the year. The good news is Dave has

Speaker 4 an attitude with me, so you'll win, even though you and I are competing for who's closest.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're asking me this paper is... terrible for headlines, but

Speaker 4 why don't you want to read a log line?

Speaker 1 He wasn't in it. That's one of the

Speaker 1 singular wedding party.

Speaker 6 Oh, when you said he wasn't in it,

Speaker 6 I'm going to say 1864

Speaker 6 because I think it was relating to Lincoln getting shot in the theater. I think it was about an actor who wasn't in that play.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Very, now I feel

Speaker 1 quite stupid.

Speaker 1 Sir? A little bit.

Speaker 4 Enough.

Speaker 4 I don't read books. I read magazines.

Speaker 4 I will.

Speaker 4 He wasn't in it. I'm going to guess grave, but

Speaker 4 I do like the year.

Speaker 4 I'll go 1888.

Speaker 1 You are wrong. It is 1893.

Speaker 1 Ariel wins.

Speaker 4 But I feel like I

Speaker 1 was closer.

Speaker 1 No, that was what we were not going for. Closer was the loser.
I didn't know.

Speaker 4 That's what you're playing. Stupid rule.
All right.

Speaker 1 Well, you should ask me the rules beforehand. You never do.
All right. The rules were clearly spelled out.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 And did we say your special before we started recording? Yes, I've said it 30 times. A couple times.
All right. Yeah.
All right. Just talking back.
July 7th, 1893, the Athena Press.

Speaker 4 Put your goddamn hand down.

Speaker 1 Oregon.

Speaker 1 It's an Oregon paper. I'm going to do this the whole time.

Speaker 4 The whole punch.

Speaker 4 Do you like that guy who's held his hand above his head for his whole life and now he's just got like a withered digits and stuff?

Speaker 1 guy that guy's prote that guy was protesting something yeah he is he's genuinely like love each other yeah he was like i'm gonna do this until wars stop and everyone's like buddy no it's a bad idea that arm's gonna look pretty atrophied after 40 years of that

Speaker 1 we are credibly informed that some parties are killing fish in the umatilla by exploding giant powder in the water Awesome.

Speaker 4 It is awesome.

Speaker 1 It is awesome. This is very American.

Speaker 4 America found its way.

Speaker 1 Can't we just be who we are?

Speaker 4 Well, once we discovered you could dynamite fish, I do think the country took us straight.

Speaker 1 We were like,

Speaker 1 well, tell you what, bro.

Speaker 4 Just because Europe doesn't know about shortcuts.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine the Native Americans watching that? What? Because it's fucking

Speaker 6 blowing up a bunch of fish was technically the first school shooting.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. You should.
How have you won the podcast already?

Speaker 1 How's that possible? We just won.

Speaker 1 This should be stopped by the strict enforcement of the law. Well, no, this is legal, but it's not, is it legal?

Speaker 4 This is back when we were like, nature-wise, we are going to step in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, at some point, no, we've never done that. We've never been like, all right, that's too much.

Speaker 4 There was a time shift.

Speaker 1 With blowing stuff up, it seems like we've always been like, yeah, go ahead, blow up a deer or whatever you want to do.

Speaker 4 All right, fine, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Newcombe. Right? I'm surprised we don't blow up bears.

Speaker 4 We should be.

Speaker 1 Just put it. Yeah, we should.
We should start. We should be, I think.

Speaker 4 We should just be starting to put grenades and things.

Speaker 1 Just grenade a salmon. Hey, guys, are we not blowing up bears? What are we doing?

Speaker 6 What are we having to lose at this point?

Speaker 4 Honestly, it would just be a good time. Let's find out what

Speaker 1 I should be able to go out into the Idaho forest and just set up drip bars for bears. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Just literally like throw grenades at elk.

Speaker 1 There you go. Awesome.

Speaker 4 And I think we'd call that the first school shooting

Speaker 4 if you did it with the elk.

Speaker 4 A school of elk? I don't know. What are they traveling? I'll come up with something.
What are they traveling? A pack?

Speaker 1 I think the herds.

Speaker 4 What is it?

Speaker 1 Herds. Is it a herd?

Speaker 4 That's what I call herd immunity.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 We're all nailing it today.

Speaker 1 You just have one person nailing it today. All right, you guys.

Speaker 4 Let's get to the next one. I got something good coming up.

Speaker 1 Hey, did you have moose when you were growing up in Wisconsin? Were there moose around?

Speaker 4 Oh, you set me up for something?

Speaker 1 No, I'm just wondering.

Speaker 1 Are they up there? Do they cruise around up there? No, they don't cruise around.

Speaker 4 They're not like looking to fuck. No.

Speaker 1 That's not. Why? Not all cruising is looking for fucking the way I do it.

Speaker 1 And you're from Kentucky's over here? I'm from Kentucky. Yeah.
So would you guys

Speaker 1 have Bigfoot? Is that what you have? Yeah, Yeti's. Yeti?

Speaker 1 We have deer.

Speaker 4 We have deer. You seem unsure.

Speaker 1 Very unsure.

Speaker 1 Deer everywhere. Deer all over.

Speaker 6 I don't know if we have anything like exciting.

Speaker 6 Nothing exotic.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 6 A lot of deer, some catfish in the water.

Speaker 1 The big ones? Jesus, Dave. No, you know, the ones that go in with their hands.

Speaker 4 I swear to God, I knew exactly where

Speaker 1 noodling. That's the craziest thing to watch ever.
I don't know.

Speaker 4 You ever watched a guy blow up an ocean? Nope. Yeah.
No, that is weird. The guy who came up with that first is, again, should be rewarded.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 There was a guy who was just like looking at his fingers, like, these are basically worms.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I got these on my hand. I'm giving worms on my hand.
He's got to go underwater. Holy shit.

Speaker 6 We can save so much money on bait if we just.

Speaker 4 Here we go.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 4 They were like, this man should be the president of of the United States of America.

Speaker 1 Loved them both.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Miss Annie Story, the beautiful daughter of Colonel H.G. Story of Yorkville, has many admirers.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 But could not decide between McBrayer and Govin.

Speaker 4 Well, I mean,

Speaker 4 I'm going to say, go with McBrayer.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Govin sounds like a bad gout.

Speaker 1 Finally, she sent for the minister and the young men.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 She told the rivals. Oh, she had them both come.
I like when he reads and is like, wait, what? I didn't know what was happening there. She told the rivals.

Speaker 1 Some guy got really mad at us, by the way, on Reddit for

Speaker 1 not understanding. That's someone like Reddit, though.

Speaker 4 I know. I thought that was a community of support.

Speaker 1 For not understanding

Speaker 1 what was going on in stories. Whoever wants to read them.
It's so funny. It's so funny.

Speaker 4 I honestly think rather than than laughs, I want the person who's furious.

Speaker 1 I know, they're so funny. You idiots.
Jesus Christ, what are you fuckers doing? That's great.

Speaker 1 It was like one of the guests had to explain something to us, and it was like, oh my God, I can't believe we don't know everything.

Speaker 1 These guys are fucking humans. Just being moron.

Speaker 1 Like, we're going through a paper from like 1893, and this guy's like, you idiot!

Speaker 1 It's barbed wire! Barbed wire!

Speaker 1 Okay, finally she sent for the minister and the young men. She told the rivals that the one who came back to her first with a marriage license should be her husband.
Whoa. Wow.

Speaker 6 She's like whoever is best at bureaucracy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, right?

Speaker 1 It's like a race and dealing with bureaucracy.

Speaker 4 I don't know if that's a good way to do it.

Speaker 1 I don't think it is at all. I don't think it's great.

Speaker 6 I think that's basically like 90-day fiancé, but for whatever year that we're in

Speaker 4 i don't believe that's been a great uh solution

Speaker 1 i think we're every single one no is still married no

Speaker 4 and some of the greatest love stories of our time it's just some of the greatest moments of men like i guess maybe she lost her bag and her flight and she can't oh no

Speaker 4 oh no i think this is just like what people did before there was like anything to do yeah i like that i mean i i think that's fun but then it's like i you had to have a favorite and some guy shows up like

Speaker 1 this is almost like she and her friends got together and came up with the crazy like she's like i like both of them still beats tender what about a race yeah

Speaker 1 i do like that all right i'm in um

Speaker 1 both men to leave yorkville at the same time and ride to dallas the county seat the young men were well mounted and the distance was was 19 miles.

Speaker 1 I don't know how long that takes on a horse.

Speaker 4 That's a while. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Waze has a setting for it. They do.

Speaker 1 The race was a hot one. It's a hot one.

Speaker 6 Nice. Nice.
Nice.

Speaker 1 McBrayer, the rich lover, well, Jesus. Reached the ordinary first and secured the license before Govin appeared.

Speaker 4 I knew Govin was the poor one, to be honest.

Speaker 1 That's got to be rough. That's got to be rough, though, is when you're behind and the guy gets to be.
You got to stand on it. Yeah, you're right behind him.

Speaker 4 Hurry up. This is going pretty good for me.

Speaker 1 The latter came in a moment later and secured a license. In a few moments, he also on his

Speaker 1 way back to Yorkville. Okay, I don't like the way you wrote that sentence.

Speaker 4 No, we know where they're going.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The race.

Speaker 4 And then they went back to the woman.

Speaker 1 The race became sharp. Govind was desperate because his rival was better mounted because he's rich.
Miss Story, her father.

Speaker 6 What does better mounted mean? Like just better on the horse?

Speaker 1 I think he had a better like saddle and setup. I think that's what it means.
And probably a better horse.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I took it to a dirty place. Go ahead.
No. Did you?

Speaker 1 Were you going to go dirty? Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Better mounted.

Speaker 4 You want the guy who's going to mount better.

Speaker 6 I also love the idea that there was like a clerk at that courthouse who was like

Speaker 6 had to issue both those marriage certificates. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So the second this is for the same.

Speaker 4 He's probably talking the second, he was talking Govind's ear off. He's like, I'm actually in a race.

Speaker 1 He's like, so wait, what did she say?

Speaker 1 Boy, it sure is a woman's world, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 4 I'll tell you what, we had a guy a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 1 Opposite.

Speaker 1 Okay, opposite.

Speaker 4 Where the hell's that stamper?

Speaker 4 Oh, boy. Notary's out to lunch.
How are you mounted? Good?

Speaker 1 Well mounted.

Speaker 4 All right, never mind. Sorry, I asked that question.

Speaker 1 Miss Story, her father and the minister, waited on the piazza for the racing rivals.

Speaker 4 I will not move in somewhere unless it has a piazza.

Speaker 1 McBray was seen first. He was excited, and far down the road, it was noticed that his horse was nearly exhausted.

Speaker 1 He went too hard with the horse.

Speaker 1 You gotta pace that horse.

Speaker 1 We're talking almost 40 miles. We're not talking.
You gotta pace the horse. Sure.

Speaker 1 He mounted you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The race was the most exciting one and seemed his. Oh, it's not like he was going to win.
He was nearing the gate, and in a moment, Govind appeared in a bypath. A bypath.

Speaker 4 So he didn't know there was a bypath.

Speaker 1 I like men and women. I can take this one.

Speaker 4 Yep. There it is.

Speaker 1 Three stooges entering a party.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 He was 200 yards ahead of McBray.

Speaker 1 He first.

Speaker 4 So McBray just dismounted early. I was like, I'll walk in a little while.
No, I think.

Speaker 4 My love, I've won. 100%.

Speaker 1 I think Gavin took a shortcut.

Speaker 4 Govin is nowhere to be seen, my dear.

Speaker 1 He was 200 yards ahead of McBray. He first ran across

Speaker 1 the piazza and won the prize.

Speaker 4 Ah, the prize.

Speaker 1 He had taken the shortcut. The woman.
Yeah, the woman. Yeah.
He had taken the shortcut through the woods.

Speaker 1 The ceremony was performed, and McBray gracefully acknowledged his feet and joined in the marriage festivities. Super weird.
Wow.

Speaker 4 I don't like it.

Speaker 6 I wouldn't do it. That's beautiful.

Speaker 4 I would not do that.

Speaker 1 No way. Oh, it wasn't beautiful.
He was still angling. He was drinking.
He was trying to figure it out. There's no way.
He was just like, all right. He was like, I'm still rich, you dumb woman.

Speaker 4 You know, I mount better. And also, my horse has a better kid.

Speaker 4 that's what i'm gonna say to her when i see her what does that sound anyone no fuck shit i didn't know there's a bypath how do you feel about a poly situation how we do anyone want a poly horse race for a poly first five guys i'll toast i'll start

Speaker 4 what if it was poly

Speaker 1 you sent 30 guys on horses poly want a husband the five the first five get into the relationship What

Speaker 1 now you're pitching a TLC show?

Speaker 4 Wow. And I love it.

Speaker 1 It's a pretty good idea.

Speaker 6 It does just feel like a retelling of the tortoise and the hair.

Speaker 1 A little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 4 If you had to marry them, which one would you marry?

Speaker 1 Tortoise or hair? Tortoise.

Speaker 4 I agree. Really? Completely agree.

Speaker 6 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 4 Yeah, tortoise. Look, tortoise set, the inside of the tortoise was

Speaker 4 higher,

Speaker 4 better.

Speaker 4 Just it had gone through more.

Speaker 1 The hair is softer.

Speaker 4 What a weird, creepy response.

Speaker 1 He is. He can cuddle with the hair better.

Speaker 4 Keep reading.

Speaker 1 Hurry.

Speaker 1 They're also better than beds. Excuse me? Hairs are better than beds.

Speaker 1 You never fucked a rabbit.

Speaker 4 We're not through the.

Speaker 4 Please read something on the iPad.

Speaker 1 A singular wedding party. Oh, no.
At a marriage in Wisconsin. Huh? Here's your people.

Speaker 4 Let's go.

Speaker 4 Best weddings.

Speaker 1 At a marriage in Wisconsin, they broke out the cheese cuts. That's not what it says.
Nope. Recently, the bridegroom stood stood six feet two inches, and the bride three and a half.

Speaker 1 Sorry, three feet two and a half inches.

Speaker 4 Yeah, where I come from, you want to have a large discrepancy.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, she's six, he's six, two, she is three, two.

Speaker 1 That's normal.

Speaker 6 I was going to say, was that like short even for them?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 He's huge for them.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's huge.
She's huge.

Speaker 4 She's average woman height.

Speaker 1 Every woman was Average every woman was three feet. Men were six back then.

Speaker 6 Sorry, was she eight years old?

Speaker 1 She was eight. I know, they do not.

Speaker 1 I'm honestly waiting. I am honest.

Speaker 1 This could get really weird.

Speaker 4 Which is the average height for a nine-year-old girl.

Speaker 1 And the groom was Ted Nugent.

Speaker 1 The witnesses were a man without arms.

Speaker 1 I have to. This is a circus.
Are you actually talking? I'm talking to a circus.

Speaker 4 Are you saying what's on there?

Speaker 1 Circus people. I am saying what's on there.
We've clearly

Speaker 1 dropped, they're hiding it. This is a circus situation.

Speaker 4 I think you are.

Speaker 4 I don't love that right away. We think no arms circus, but it is also 1893.

Speaker 1 This is still the best circuses.

Speaker 1 A man without arms who signed the marriage contract with a pen.

Speaker 4 How? The mouth.

Speaker 4 I don't like that I know.

Speaker 4 Maybe feet. I'm hoping feet.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The stock of which he held

Speaker 1 between his teeth.

Speaker 1 You win.

Speaker 1 A woman who weighed 350 pounds.

Speaker 4 I can't believe you're right.

Speaker 1 Now, not even remotely close to circus size.

Speaker 4 A mermaid who protested to the event.

Speaker 4 And a strong man who lifted the cake above his head.

Speaker 1 A woman who weighs 350 pounds is just now like they found someone in Walmart. Yeah,

Speaker 4 again, when you, like, I remember finding how much Taft our fattest president weighed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you're just like, wow. 225.

Speaker 1 Big old fat tub of shit.

Speaker 1 And a man seven feet six inches tall. What's that guy? That guy wished that basketball was around then.

Speaker 1 Because that dude, that's a big dude. I'm looking for a woman about three feet.
He should have married the three-foot lady.

Speaker 4 I don't think you're allowed to make.

Speaker 1 play that role. The officiating clergyman had only one leg.

Speaker 1 Hey, what are we doing? Okay.

Speaker 1 The bride was 50 years old. Wow.
And her grandmother, aged 98 years, attended the wedding feast. That's the end of the story.

Speaker 1 That's the end of the story. This is a circus

Speaker 1 traveling circus group. Yes.

Speaker 6 You know, there was somebody at that wedding who was mostly impressed that a 50-year-old was getting married.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Or that another one was getting a little bit of a marriage.

Speaker 1 That was the unbelievable part. Wow.

Speaker 4 A barren old bag found love.

Speaker 1 Does anyone have any objections? Yeah, she's too old.

Speaker 1 Throw that one away. Oh, man.

Speaker 4 The seven-foot-six guy or whatever will not live to see 30.

Speaker 1 No.

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Speaker 1 no but there who was the big uh wasn't the

Speaker 1 the chinese basketball player yaoming he's like seven six isn't he yeah so he he didn't die he's not from 1893

Speaker 4 Back then they were like, your organs will pop at 19 and then you have two good years.

Speaker 1 Yao Ming.

Speaker 4 Yeah, The richest tall guy of all time living a normal movie.

Speaker 1 Well there was that other guy who was the Hollywood giant. I always see him at Jones Cafe.
He died really young though. Who? He was in

Speaker 4 Hollywood Giant. Jimmy Weinstein.

Speaker 1 But you would see him in movies and stuff. Like he would, he was Andre the giant? Not Andre.

Speaker 4 The guy who was

Speaker 4 in the Billy Crystal movie? Yes. Oh, yeah, that guy.
Yeah. Well, I didn't know he was dead, but this has been uplifting.

Speaker 1 You're welcome.

Speaker 1 They really left something out there. They really left out a part of the story.
What? Yes, they should have said it was a circus or something.

Speaker 4 But they liked the journey you went on.

Speaker 1 I didn't like the journey. We did.
We want the truth.

Speaker 6 But what if it's not a circus?

Speaker 1 What if it's

Speaker 6 just a

Speaker 6 town in Wisconsin?

Speaker 1 You know what? You could be right. And I totally forgot it was Wisconsin, and they are a distorted people.

Speaker 4 Excuse me. We

Speaker 4 are indeed.

Speaker 4 you've been to Wisconsin, yeah, and I'm a very normal average citizen.

Speaker 1 No, you're not, yes, I am. No, you're not perfectly

Speaker 1 basically what this they just described, like the average crowd at a Packers game.

Speaker 4 And by the way, you walked into a bar in Wisconsin and saw this, you wouldn't be like, Something's wrong. You'd be like, Hey, is Tandy working?

Speaker 1 Good vibe.

Speaker 4 Shit, is that fucking free checks, mix?

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's that guy writing with his mouth pen?

Speaker 4 It's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We want items.

Speaker 1 Don't forget the editor when you have an item. He says, what a weird thing to do.

Speaker 4 Hello, I'm in charge of the paper. Do you have stuff?

Speaker 1 I have it. Tell me stories.

Speaker 1 If your wife whips you, let us know and we will set you right before the public. What's the fuck?

Speaker 1 I don't have any objections to that. Okay.
If your wife is, what does that mean?

Speaker 6 Set you right?

Speaker 1 Like, I think that they will publish a article about your wife beat you, whipped you.

Speaker 1 What if you're into it, though?

Speaker 4 You're probably not going to tell the editor.

Speaker 1 In 1883,

Speaker 4 I don't like that this character is already out of breath.

Speaker 1 My wife.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. My wife whips me.

Speaker 4 Okay, all right. And we will go public with yours

Speaker 1 single night.

Speaker 4 Okay, all right. Well, that's abuse.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking hot. Okay, we're probably gonna write it.
I'm a bad. Put this in the article.

Speaker 4 I don't think we're gonna write it.

Speaker 1 I'm a bad boy.

Speaker 4 Based on your time.

Speaker 1 I am naughty. Okay.
She makes me lay down in her dirty bath water. What the fuck? Face down.

Speaker 1 Sir.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna go.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I also am gonna go. And it's my periodical.

Speaker 1 She literally went.

Speaker 4 I'm actually gonna leave

Speaker 1 really gone

Speaker 1 if you have company tell us if you're not ashamed of your visitors what's what are we doing here i don't know okay if a youngster arrives at your house and demands food and removes come around and it

Speaker 1 and it you're a cat oh must be and if you're a cat that's cool too if you're a cash subscriber we will furnish a name for him or her as circumstances warrant so so if an orphan comes to your door we'll name it i don't know if it's an orphan, but anyway,

Speaker 1 maybe it is an orphan. If a young person comes to your house and demands food

Speaker 1 and you subscribe to the paper,

Speaker 1 we will use his name. But yeah, but if you don't subscribe, then fuck off.
Like, we're not printing your bullshit.

Speaker 4 Okay. Well, what do they promise us?

Speaker 1 Well, look, we're going to probably shame the boy who wants fucking fucking food.

Speaker 1 This fucking kid cruising around the fucking area. He wants to eat.

Speaker 4 Like, what's this? It is disgusting. No, I'm glad we're getting back to that, too.

Speaker 1 That feels right.

Speaker 4 To shame the hungry.

Speaker 1 You idiot. If you have a social gathering of a few friends,

Speaker 1 bring a around a big cake, six or seven pies, and a ham, not necessarily to eat, but a guarantee of good faith.

Speaker 1 You know what's happening? I'm getting a little puzzled here. If you need not bother to invite us, as it oh, they're asking for an invite.
They want to come and just food.

Speaker 4 Also, I'm available to eat cake and pie.

Speaker 4 I'm in a really dark place.

Speaker 1 This new story I'm writing is called, I like ham. Invite me over.

Speaker 6 Not necessarily to eat, just for the vibe.

Speaker 1 Just hang out. I just want to be around.

Speaker 4 I like being around people.

Speaker 1 I like food and people. Now, not youngsters who want food, but I'm talking about adults.

Speaker 4 Excuse me? What a weird caveat.

Speaker 1 You need not bother to invite us as it may be a little too cool for our wardrobe we mention these things because we want the news what the fuck kind of pitch is that that is the worst

Speaker 4 we don't have nice clothes come on

Speaker 6 let us in yeah that was i can't believe it took i can't believe it took another hundred years for newspapers to start dying

Speaker 4 there's a lot they could tell the confidence that they couldn't die in that one.

Speaker 1 The vast majority were really bad.

Speaker 4 Of papers?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they had really bad. They're like zines.
Yeah, they are.

Speaker 4 Just some guy like, have you read about the Brad Times? A lot of cool stuff happened to Brad today.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 4 you guys want to hear some articles?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, cool. Because,

Speaker 4 yeah, yeah. So earlier today, I brushed my teeth.

Speaker 1 Crazy.

Speaker 4 And then I drank orange juice right after. Don't know if y'all have done that.
Oh my God.

Speaker 4 Ruined. Still drank it.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 4 yes, that's kind of the big one.

Speaker 4 That's kind of the biggest part of the day. Then it gets a little boring for a while.

Speaker 4 It started boring. And then I dropped

Speaker 4 my keys in the dirt.

Speaker 4 Buddy, I found them right away.

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 anyway it's pretty short i'll kill orphans okay yeah he wasn't in it

Speaker 1 a pleasant lawn party took place at the residence of cn manela in this city on wednesday evening

Speaker 1 Not having received an invitation, the Eagle Society reporter was not present.

Speaker 1 Consequently, we're unable to give the affair a more extended notice. Is this these fuckers?

Speaker 6 That's why they had to put the thing in to be like, please invite us.

Speaker 1 What are these guys doing? I don't know.

Speaker 4 It's really weird to write like a paper about how you were left out.

Speaker 4 Here's a list of shit we didn't get to go to.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 4 The Eagle Society.

Speaker 4 It would just be the worst.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 A novel game. Here we go.
The people of Athena will be. What state is this again? I forgot.

Speaker 4 I don't even remember. I don't.
Did you say that?

Speaker 6 Do they stay in the same state?

Speaker 1 It's Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 This is Wisconsin.

Speaker 4 Oh, it all is Wisconsin?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, this is Oregon. Sorry.
Why was I confused? It's Oregon. You hit your head.
I did hit my head. You hit your head.

Speaker 1 A novel game. The people of Athena will be treated to a novel game of baseball.
Baseball is a hyphen between base and Athena.

Speaker 4 I genuinely thought for a bit you were going to explain what baseball was. Baseball's a bad point.

Speaker 1 But everybody knows what baseball is. Not everybody.
There's nothing novel about it at this point.

Speaker 4 I think the guy on Reddit would like to know what it is.

Speaker 1 Sunday afternoon, novel in as much

Speaker 1 as the members of neither club never played ball before. As the member of neither club never played ball before.

Speaker 4 Enjoy the negatives game.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 1 I would imagine they've never played ball before. What kind of what?

Speaker 6 What kind of club was it?

Speaker 1 Well, back then they just had sporting clubs and they'd play a bunch of different sports.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Totally normal. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If you want to laugh, come out and see the game. What?

Speaker 4 Okay, so these guys have never played it before.

Speaker 4 So they've never played it. So now you come out and just have a giggle at their expenses.

Speaker 1 So what we're doing here is we're having a baseball game

Speaker 1 and everybody's just with guys who've never played it and everyone's just going to be like, ah.

Speaker 4 It's fun. It's a shaming.
Fucking idiots.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, there's nothing to do.

Speaker 1 Following.

Speaker 6 There's nothing to do.

Speaker 1 They didn't invite that writer to that Eagle Club. That's right.

Speaker 1 So now they're getting back at him. This is what happened.

Speaker 6 Let's laugh at these people.

Speaker 4 Look who's invited now.

Speaker 1 We literally invited you to our baseball game.

Speaker 4 You fucking moron.

Speaker 1 You suck.

Speaker 4 Are there seven cakes or six pies anywhere?

Speaker 1 I'm a real dessert creep.

Speaker 1 The following is the names of the respective clubs.

Speaker 1 I'm really upset with the grammar in this story.

Speaker 1 Jag Club, Jim Clark Captain, Chaz Norris, Jesse Smith, Chaz Stancil.

Speaker 4 The names, it's like an Oscar. This is Jag Club's first nomination.

Speaker 1 Jay Block, Max Lewin,

Speaker 1 Thaws Bergovin, and JM Smitherman. That's not even a real name.

Speaker 4 Hello, I'm Jan Smitherman.

Speaker 1 JM.

Speaker 4 J.M. Smitherman.
It's not a real name. My name is J.M.

Speaker 1 Smitherman. They're just making up guys now.
Hello.

Speaker 1 Jiggers Club.

Speaker 4 Hello, we're the Jiggers Club.

Speaker 1 Yeah, kiss. I don't like what we're doing.
Very delicate. I don't like what we're doing.

Speaker 4 Now, if your instinct is a pun, I must suggest you walk away.

Speaker 4 The tongue can get slippery around ice this thin.

Speaker 1 No rhyming!

Speaker 1 What was there? Bill Young.

Speaker 1 Don't know. Don't ask.

Speaker 4 Bill Young. We're not fighting.

Speaker 1 Can I talk to you over here? Oh, great.

Speaker 1 Bill Young Captain, Chet McCullough, Doc Osborne, L.A. Githens.

Speaker 4 Hello, I'm L.A. Giddens.

Speaker 1 Hughes Smith, C.L. Boogavin.
Wait, what is the name? I'm the Boogavan. His brothers on the other team.

Speaker 1 James Broad. It's the Civil War.
It's the Civil War.

Speaker 4 The Boogavins are really going at it today.

Speaker 1 John Gillis and D.A. Hendricks.
Okay, and now the next article is...

Speaker 4 I've got to say, that last article really not great.

Speaker 1 So the next article is what happened during the game. Oh, all right.
Okay. Promptly at 2 o'clock Sunday afternoon, the most interesting ballgame of the season was called by Umpire Parker.

Speaker 1 The game was very interesting. And some good playing was done on both sides, but the Jags proved to be the best players.

Speaker 1 The Jiggers might have been more fortunate had not Bill Young, their captain, in endeavoring to touch the ball hard enough to land it in an Indian camp down on the creek.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ tore the buttons from his pantaloons.

Speaker 4 What is happening with this guy?

Speaker 1 I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 I wonder if they mean hit. I think hit.
I think he was trying to hit.

Speaker 4 I'm still a little curious why he ripped his pants off.

Speaker 1 Because he turned his...

Speaker 1 Look, he's got a lot of torque. That's a proper swing.

Speaker 4 That's how you you hit it.

Speaker 1 But you know, a lot of hits. Let's get naked.
A lot of really good hitting comes from the hips, Gareth. Stop.
You know what I'm talking about. I do.

Speaker 1 Tore the buttons of his pantaloons and otherwise disabled his outer apparel.

Speaker 1 That sounds like naked.

Speaker 4 Disabled.

Speaker 1 A little bit. It sounds like some stuff came out.
Disabled my outer. What? Yeah, it sounds like some stuff came out.
What does that mean?

Speaker 1 It means that a door opened up in his pants and some stuff came out. What?

Speaker 4 I don't love it.

Speaker 1 That's a fashion term.

Speaker 4 No, it's not.

Speaker 6 I wish they did that in baseball now.

Speaker 4 It would make me watch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there should be, there should be.

Speaker 1 Are we saying more cocks? What are we saying?

Speaker 4 We're going to take a jack break. You know the third inning jack break?

Speaker 4 All players who want a jack, go ahead.

Speaker 6 They changed all these rules so the game moves faster, but just get them a little naked.

Speaker 4 Well, and they, yeah, they did. They kind of lost what made it great in America's pastime was the nudity and the just unbridled masculinity.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 The guys could go out there and whatever they wanted to do. Yeah.
Jack alone, jack another guy.

Speaker 4 Whatever you wanted to do.

Speaker 6 Jack on, jack off.

Speaker 4 Jack on, jack off, go to the mound, suck him, whatever.

Speaker 1 Baseball used to be awesome.

Speaker 1 And when the milkshake dispenser, who acted as my nickname. Who acted as umpire.

Speaker 4 Milkshake.

Speaker 1 Wait, what? I think the guy who makes makes milkshakes was also the umpire.

Speaker 4 That cannot be the actual justification.

Speaker 7 Why not?

Speaker 1 Just because.

Speaker 1 I think it's a literal term. The milkshake is.

Speaker 4 1993, they don't have.

Speaker 1 Why? Yes, they do. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Who acted as umpire in that old

Speaker 1 cold ice cream voice called out, strike three and batter out.

Speaker 6 Oh, he was just the only guy who could enunciate.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bill sat down on the home plate and wept tears of mortification.

Speaker 1 So this guy struck out and he cried, which is.

Speaker 4 And then the milkshake ump was like, that's sad.

Speaker 1 There should be more.

Speaker 4 I'm going to get naked.

Speaker 1 That's something else we should bring back to modern-day baseball is crying when you strike out.

Speaker 4 I honestly, I would rather see an ump make a milkshake than a guy crying.

Speaker 1 It's because you're not in touch with me.

Speaker 4 What are you guys liking your milkshakes?

Speaker 1 You need to be more vulnerable. This umpire is awesome.
You need to be more vulnerable.

Speaker 4 You want a strawberry one, woman with me? What are you doing? You seem sad.

Speaker 1 A few,

Speaker 1 a very few intimate friends of Bill knew why he acted thusly.

Speaker 1 They knew how he had been bragging around town for a whole week what a great ball player he had been in his days of green apples, mumble peg, and playing hookie from school.

Speaker 1 And how, after he left his bib off and grown to man's estate, he went to the war and caught cannonballs hot from the mouths of the grim destroyers. And

Speaker 1 how he caught. Sentence has to end at some point.

Speaker 6 No, it's like a baseball game.

Speaker 1 It just keeps going.

Speaker 4 I don't understand it, but it's long as fuck.

Speaker 1 And how he caught the chicken pox, the itch, and how a little Irish commissary caught him in the act of catching spring chickens in a coop that did not belong to Bill's mess. What the fuck? And

Speaker 1 how the aforementioned little Irishman shot off his jib a little too freely

Speaker 1 when Bill caught him and made him wish he had never been born. So Bill's a tough guy is what they're saying.
I mean, there's a lot of stories about how Bill's a badass

Speaker 1 here.

Speaker 1 I don't think I a lot of stories.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I didn't gather any actual

Speaker 4 I kind of want to hear it again if I'm being honest okay

Speaker 1 yeah they knew how Bill had been bragging around town for a whole week what a great ball player he had been in his days of green apples mumble peg now that's what honestly this is where I checked out last time well green apples and mumble peg is when you're a kid and you're playing games and having green apples

Speaker 1 and playing hookie from school and how after he had left his bib off and grown to man's estate, so out, now he grows up.

Speaker 1 He went to the war and caught cannonballs.

Speaker 4 Yeah? What do you got, asshole?

Speaker 1 He caught and he went to war and he was the cannonball catcher.

Speaker 4 It's a tough job.

Speaker 1 That was back then. There was a guy.
You would put on mitts, like a hot mitt, like in

Speaker 1 like a Road Warrior when the guy tries to catch the

Speaker 1 boomerang. Absolutely.
Same deal.

Speaker 4 The reference we're all understanding strongly.

Speaker 1 Hot from the mouths of the grim destroyers and how he caught the chicken pox, the itch. And so he also tough.
He caught the itch. So he's also tough because he caught the chicken pox.

Speaker 1 And how a little Irish commissary caught him in the act of catching spring chickens in a coop that did not belong to Bill, and how the aforementioned little Irishman shot off his jib a little too freely when Bill caught him and made him wish he had never been born.

Speaker 4 So Bill beat up a little Irish guy somewhere around Chicken Law?

Speaker 1 Yeah, chicken.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he,

Speaker 1 but Bill, I think Bill was the guy stealing chickens. Then he beat the guy up.

Speaker 4 So the Irish guy was like, stop stealing chickens. And he's like, I'll beat the shit out of you.
Yeah. You don't talk to me like that.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so he was bragging while being that badass of a guy.

Speaker 4 Want to play mumblepeg?

Speaker 1 He was bragging, and then he struck out. And now he

Speaker 1 cried. So he's vulnerable.

Speaker 4 Good for Bill.

Speaker 4 It does actually sound like it could be read from the mouth of a commentator.

Speaker 4 I used to love to playing bumble peg and green apples.

Speaker 1 They remembered how Bill had laid stress on his catching ability and how they had admired him and looked with pride on his gaunt form when he exploded and said, He's sick. Oh, I can catch anything.

Speaker 1 I'm a ball player, I am. See, just let me be captain.
I'll lead you to victory or the grave. Then he's crying.
And now, when these friends saw him in tears of shame,

Speaker 1 we we will either win or die and be like i don't think i want to play with this guy and now when his friends saw him in his tears of shame at not being able to smash out his record they knew they had been duped and that they had the right man in the wrong place

Speaker 1 this discouraged them and the jags taking advantage of it won the game with a score of 24 to 16. so he just put this all on bill

Speaker 1 the whole fucking loss a lot of shit he talked a lot of shit

Speaker 6 What position did they let him play?

Speaker 1 They don't say.

Speaker 4 Well, it's a very good question. I can't even imagine after hearing that having the wherewithal to notice that a position wasn't named.
I got so rocked by those haymakers that I can't, I don't even.

Speaker 1 He was captain, but captain doesn't, it's not like it does anything in baseball.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 1 Maybe, maybe they meant he chose, he was like the manager and he picked, but that doesn't.

Speaker 4 No, you don't talk shit saying you can catch anything if you're like, I'll be the manager.

Speaker 1 I think this paper had it out for Bill.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it sounds like it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you guys are aligned. No.
They put it all on Bill. Nope.
Classic Oregon shit.

Speaker 1 Whatever.

Speaker 1 Will be buried alive.

Speaker 4 Ah, now, a feel-good story.

Speaker 1 The press special from Toledo.

Speaker 1 Seymour, the mind reader.

Speaker 4 Seymour the mind we're going to bury him alive. Let's see if he predicts that one.

Speaker 1 Was in Toledo yesterday.

Speaker 4 Oh, so he's a David Blaine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was in Toledo yesterday on his way to Chicago, where he is going to be buried alive after the manner of the Indian magicians who say they can suspend animation

Speaker 1 for any period by swallowing their tongues and controlling the heart and mind.

Speaker 1 I think they mean they can stop time.

Speaker 1 They're not swallowing their tongues. I don't think they're talking about Native Americans.
I think they're talking about like a.

Speaker 4 well, that I like how you think that's my highlighted detail.

Speaker 1 No, I'm just saying, because there's a lot of like I can like yogi type walk on hot coals, sure, yeah.

Speaker 4 And in this case, they can swallow their own tongues and stop time,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 No, they control their heart and mind and swallow their tongue. Have you ever swallowed your tongue?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 it's a trick that no,

Speaker 4 I don't even know how you do it.

Speaker 1 Did you ever see David Blaine do that?

Speaker 1 So the, yeah, we're all very tough. I'm really tired.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But I would go watch this now.

Speaker 4 So in 1893, if a guy's going to go get himself buried alive, that's fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 6 A mind writer. A mind writer is going to get himself buried alive.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Speaker 6 It seems like two different skills.

Speaker 1 Seems like it's really outside of the scope of mind reading. I don't know.

Speaker 4 I see it.

Speaker 1 You see it? Oh, yeah. What's the connection?

Speaker 4 You know, he's a fantastical person, full of magic and mystery. And now people are sick of him reading minds, so he's like, I got to do more stuff.

Speaker 4 So here we go.

Speaker 6 And he's following the act of the people who swallow their tongues.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's got the tongue openers open.

Speaker 1 Mr. Seymour said, my coffin has gone ahead.
It's a facsimile of one in which General Grant's remains now rest and cost $3,000. What?

Speaker 4 So he's coffin-dropping?

Speaker 1 He's...

Speaker 1 Well, if you're going to do it.

Speaker 4 It's a pretty sick coffin. It's pretty rad.

Speaker 1 It's pretty dope. Some of the best presidents have had this coffin.

Speaker 4 Grant was in this one.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 It is made in three sections, one fitting inside the other.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's like a Russian doll sort of vibe, but with coffins.

Speaker 1 Well, that.

Speaker 1 Is this when they were still

Speaker 4 body grave robbing.

Speaker 1 They might have still been stealing bodies.

Speaker 4 If you had to do three coffins,

Speaker 4 the coffin industry was like, yes, please.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, a Russian dollar. We need a decoy coffin.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like Russian dollar coffins to

Speaker 1 stop grave robbers. Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's pretty good. I'm into it.
That's fine. I mean, it must be, what a fucking disappointment, though, if you're a grave robber and you get it and you're like, there's another coffin in here.

Speaker 1 How many coffins are in here? All right, all right, hurry, let's go again. Jesus, fucking quick.

Speaker 4 You know, fuck it, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Holy shit, this was only a three-foot-tall lady.

Speaker 4 There's not even a lady. It's just a series of coffins.

Speaker 6 Two more coffins, and then we're leaving.

Speaker 4 That's it. And we're going to go two more, then we're done.

Speaker 6 If there's not a body, and two more.

Speaker 4 Oh my god, it's a mind reader.

Speaker 4 He's dead.

Speaker 1 I will be buried six feet deep in the coffin. Signals are to be arranged so that if things don't go right,

Speaker 1 I can communicate with soldiers on the outside who will guard the grave.

Speaker 4 Isn't he a mind reader? Can't he tell if this is going to go south or not?

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 6 That's a different skill. Not to nitpick.
That's fortune telling.

Speaker 4 I believe he's.

Speaker 1 I'll fight this fight.

Speaker 4 I believe that he is still able to communicate by

Speaker 4 sending out signals. I think I won.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yes.

Speaker 6 But then there needs to be another mind reader.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you definitely got to have your side mind reader for sure.

Speaker 1 She's right. She's right.
Yeah,

Speaker 6 you bring another. It's like walkie-talkie.
So it's like, you know, if you like it.

Speaker 4 Now we're on the same page because I completely agree. This is walkie-talkie logic.

Speaker 1 Well, now you guys are just talking about telepathy.

Speaker 1 Ugh, here's

Speaker 1 a little bit more.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but how is that different from mind reading?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Mind reading is when you're just picking apart someone's brain. Telepathy is when you're telling them something.
Wrong. Like I'll do it right now.

Speaker 6 But if you have two mind readers, that's telepathy.

Speaker 1 Yep. Fuck.

Speaker 4 You fucking, you just got your ass handed to you.

Speaker 4 You tried to throw a beer over in her direction. It just got chugged, dummy.

Speaker 6 Tried to argue with a Jew.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to say it.

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 I really did.

Speaker 1 Directly after I am buried.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I love what? Directly after I am buried, a crop of barley will be sown over the grave.

Speaker 4 So just to be clear, I will be harvested.

Speaker 1 So they're going to put barley over the grave.

Speaker 4 Yeah, just to make sure that...

Speaker 1 Does sown mean planted or does sown just mean...

Speaker 4 Sown means planted.

Speaker 1 I will remain buried till the germs sprout, grow, ripen, and are harvested. Excuse me.
This guy is talking about a seasonal berry? Yeah, he's doing... Yeah.

Speaker 4 Now, this is...

Speaker 1 This is better.

Speaker 1 this is a feat this is a lot yeah this is a lot i would love to know what happened yeah well hopefully we get an idea then the disinternment will take place i won't come back to earth until

Speaker 4 oh so he's out of his tip until september 24th oh so he thinks he's leaving earth what was his name again no leaving earth well where the fuck's in

Speaker 1 no he's when was when

Speaker 1 when was this article 1893 right let me let go back here it is july july 7th okay

Speaker 1 So he's going to spend two months down there. What's his name again? A little over two months.
Two months. Seymour, something?

Speaker 4 Seymour. By the way, if you're going to do something like this, it is smart to do it as a burial because my guess is this will be the burial of him.

Speaker 1 You're not going to need to exhume him and rebury.

Speaker 4 You're like, yeah, he's down there. We can just do the funeral.

Speaker 1 He doesn't say his last time.

Speaker 6 You think it was just July and it was so hot? And he was like, I just got to go underground for a couple of days.

Speaker 6 I can't with the summer.

Speaker 4 I can't. I really can't.
I'm going to go get it.

Speaker 6 The pool's closed. They're doing construction.

Speaker 4 Put some barley above me. Look, if I come out, it'll be great.
If not, whatever.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Seymour the mind reader.

Speaker 4 Now. That's his name.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 I'm trying to see if this. I'm doing the AI overview, but whatever.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Yep. A great deal of interest and mentalism.

Speaker 1 Nah, and that's it. That's it.
Well,

Speaker 4 no, no, Andrew J. Seymour.
Okay, here. Here's what we'll do.

Speaker 1 Andrew

Speaker 17 J.

Speaker 4 Seymour, Mind Reader, Death.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 4 The world's greatest.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that's just an ad.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh. Wow.

Speaker 4 I mean, this guy was a big fucking deal.

Speaker 4 Well, yeah, he's the Daniel DeWitt. He looks like a Daniel Day Lewis character.

Speaker 1 He died in 1886.

Speaker 1 eight he died in 1886 this paper's in 1893 so this so that's got to be a different guy

Speaker 4 damn it yeah there's just a bunch of them there's a lot of seymours who are doing

Speaker 1 who are doing uh

Speaker 1 it's like menudo yeah it was very much like menudo it was yeah the seymours uh you audition you become the new seymour

Speaker 4 damn it i really wanted to know i'm sorry are you

Speaker 4 i'm picking up on a way that he passed.

Speaker 1 I'll check one last time. I bet I could find it, but I'd have to go through the papers.

Speaker 4 Do you mind sticking around for the afternoon?

Speaker 1 See where this goes? I think it would be worth everybody. Is there more to that article?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 AI says there is no evidence that the mind reader Seymour died or was buried in Toledo. Okay.

Speaker 1 It mentions that he is going there to do it, but then there's no follow-up.

Speaker 4 And AI is always right.

Speaker 1 AI is always right.

Speaker 4 It's kind of like a mind reader of Google. Never

Speaker 4 been wrong. Never super accurate, but in the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm sure, you know, someone will find it.

Speaker 1 I am positive I can do it, and the scientific men who are assisting me are beginning to think so true. No.

Speaker 1 No, they're not.

Speaker 4 No. The scientific men.

Speaker 1 A cowardly act. Monday evening, G.M.
Froom

Speaker 1 of the commercial livery stable had a little difficulty with a fellow from Seattle over the hack fair from the depot downtown.

Speaker 6 Jesus Christ. Was it a comedy show?

Speaker 1 By the way, I love hack fair.

Speaker 1 George talked a little rough to him, whereupon the fellow said he would get

Speaker 1 even. Yeah, it's crowd work.

Speaker 6 What do you do for work? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So Wednesday evening.

Speaker 1 It's too too real.

Speaker 1 So Wednesday evening, when George went to the depot to meet the train, the fellow was laying for him.

Speaker 1 He waited until the train started, then struck George a stunning blow over the left eye and jumped on the moving train. Fuck yeah.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 Train exit.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 George was dazed for a moment, and when he turned to look for this man, the fellow was wiggling his fingers at him from the tail end of the fast disappearing train. Yes.

Speaker 1 Was it this? Was it this?

Speaker 6 I'm picturing this, but I think you're right.

Speaker 1 It's probably this.

Speaker 4 I'm picturing the two delouve.

Speaker 1 Total.

Speaker 4 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 George was mad, to say the least, and it is his turn to lay now. Oh, he's going to wait for that guy now.
Oh, so this is like

Speaker 1 lay and wait. Right.
So we'll see. That's how you do it.
That's how you do it. Right.

Speaker 6 It's going to go underground for two months. Yeah.
Just like I come spending time.

Speaker 4 Let the barley do its thing, and then I'll come back up stronger and better than ever.

Speaker 1 That's how you do it. Don't work out.
Go underground. Excuse me.
Jesus Christ. You grow like a

Speaker 1 sick worm under there.

Speaker 4 Oh, that is going to die.

Speaker 4 That's definitely going to be an ad on my YouTube.

Speaker 4 You can go underground for two months, and that actually is going to help you more than anything you do in the gym.

Speaker 1 You could totally, you could totally.

Speaker 4 I'm I'm telling you, my YouTube ads at this point, I don't even know where they're coming up with the shit. So you may as well, it could be that.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, you can say anything. And do you know what the other thing is that Instagram does now is they'll, they'll be like, hey,

Speaker 1 I got one from Dicks the other day.

Speaker 1 These shoes are $100 off. And I'm like, $100 off.
And I press on the ad and you can go through and

Speaker 1 buy a bunch of shoes and then go to the cart and check out. And then I go over to the Dicks website.
And it's not even remotely real.

Speaker 1 It's just a fake ad where a guy's just scamming people out of money. And YouTube's like, yeah, we're on board.

Speaker 4 Oh, I don't even want to get. My dad fucking got some

Speaker 4 learned about YouTube ads the hard way. Yeah.
And in turn, so did I.

Speaker 6 My mom did the same thing with Facebook ads. Really?

Speaker 6 When Bed Bath and Beyond was going out of business.

Speaker 6 My mom was like, oh, they've got a bunch of stuff on the, on this website.

Speaker 6 And I was like, I don't think their website works anymore she goes no i've got a workaround oh she thought she she had she thought she had like a backdoor website a little uh

Speaker 4 secret place that's only between me and the internet how'd you find it

Speaker 1 facebook

Speaker 1 the secret yeah

Speaker 1 don't tell anyone

Speaker 6 the dark web of facebook facebook

Speaker 1 but it was just china

Speaker 1 China. At least it's them.
It's a Chinese website. Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 4 No, that's what.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 4 Trying to get in touch with people who rip you off online is also my favorite activity where you're like, well, if they don't reply to this email, that's kind of the end of my investigation.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they put up the craziest stuff. Like there was a baseball bat that all the 12-year-old kids wanted because it, whatever, it was more powerful.
And I was trying to find one for Vinn.

Speaker 1 And then I would come across like a Chinese website and it's like, yeah, you can get it here for 60 bucks when it's going like 800 or where else. And I'm like, what?

Speaker 1 And you look into it and they've just put up a fake ad to take money. And it's like, so some guy in China knows that kids in America, not that many, want to bat.
And he like the research they must do

Speaker 1 to find out how to scam.

Speaker 4 I mean, I do like that it all happens here. Not all of it, but I do like if China gets one over on us, I'm in.

Speaker 4 Interesting. I'm a commie.

Speaker 1 We'll send that to our right-wing friends and see what they say. No.

Speaker 6 It's funding their high-speed rail. that's fine yeah that's right

Speaker 4 high-speed at least somebody's getting public transportation honestly i it is it's just it's like it's nice to be like see they you can do stuff

Speaker 1 like to just be here where they're like sorry that's the uh we're not doing anything anymore yet but china there was an article at the la times this week about the our our high-speed train out here

Speaker 1 the california one oh my god yeah it's

Speaker 6 a hundred years from now two podcasters are gonna read that article.

Speaker 1 That is the darkest,

Speaker 1 darkest time ever.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 4 100 years people going through our show. Like, look at these two idiots.

Speaker 4 What do you think he meant by son of a bitch?

Speaker 4 Is that a turn of phrase?

Speaker 1 Won't work. Last week, the Pendleton...
This would be our last one. Yeah, it's our last one.
What wouldn't work?

Speaker 1 Last week, the Pendleton authorities were compelled to contend with an individual in which the disposition of the mule predominated.

Speaker 1 Like he's an ass? I think they're saying he's stubborn. Stubborn

Speaker 1 as a mule.

Speaker 1 Can they just say that? We just fucking say stubborn. Jesus Christ.
He was an Italian. Here we go.

Speaker 4 Uh-oh, buckle up, everybody.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 4 You know what that means.

Speaker 4 You'd get off the saddle and your bum would be covered in olive oil.

Speaker 1 Where you go, there it is.

Speaker 1 He was an Italian who was arrested for drunkenness. It would not give his name and would would not work, and the marshal put chains on him.
Wait, why should he work?

Speaker 1 Fuck Italian. This guy won't work when we put him in jail.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He laid in the sink.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. It's an epidemic.
What happened? Because

Speaker 1 it used to be that everybody loved to work. Yeah.
People like to go into factories.

Speaker 1 You know what? People used to work. We used to like to work so much.
Little kids would go into mines. That's how much we love.

Speaker 1 With their little working hands. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Nothing makes me happier than to see work dirt under the fingernails of a seven-year-old.

Speaker 1 Or skin, or it's under their skin. They've been working so hard.
Yeah,

Speaker 4 nothing like that. I like a kid who looks like charcoal.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I like grown men crying during a baseball game and kids working in the mines.

Speaker 1 Similar times. Get America.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 4 and now

Speaker 4 just every shooter's

Speaker 1 Just crazy times. God damn it.

Speaker 1 What happened to America when the shooters are all good old-fashioned?

Speaker 4 Boy, it was a cis white shooter every time.

Speaker 1 And it was better.

Speaker 1 He laid in the sun one whole afternoon and slept. The next morning, they tied his arms around a telephone pole.
I believe this is a murder.

Speaker 4 The more I hear about it, the more the word murder is seeming likely.

Speaker 1 This had the

Speaker 1 desired effect. Well, yeah, you tortured him.

Speaker 4 So then he sort of, he chilled out.

Speaker 1 He came around after

Speaker 1 being so Italian.

Speaker 1 A compromise being made by the Italian working one hour. It is said some of the citizens criticized the treatment the fellow received at the hands of the marshal.

Speaker 1 They're like, what are you doing, Jim?

Speaker 4 They're like, I think that was a little over.

Speaker 1 Look, I won't work.

Speaker 6 Some of of them are like, that's fine. Yeah,

Speaker 1 some are like,

Speaker 4 he had it coming. He's being a cop.

Speaker 1 It's fine. He's Italian.

Speaker 4 Let him figure it out. He shouldn't have been so Italian around here.

Speaker 1 That official did just exactly right, only he should have brought the hobo in terms by breaking his neck. Well,

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 that ended strongly. Okay.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh my, it's like he's on Fox News. Honestly.
Wow.

Speaker 1 It's like he's a guy on Fox News say, kill all the homeless. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Brian, kill mead.

Speaker 1 Who then, of course, right after that, someone tried to kill a bunch of homeless.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
There were two shootings at homeless camps the next day.

Speaker 4 The special is available on YouTube.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's real fun.

Speaker 4 It's super fun and everything's fine.

Speaker 1 What's the name? What's the special name? I'm I'm a secret Jew.

Speaker 4 No, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 6 No, it's quite the opposite.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm the best Jew.

Speaker 6 It's called a Jewish Star. It's a really,

Speaker 6 it's fun.

Speaker 6 It's

Speaker 6 eat it out.

Speaker 4 Did you have time to cut a preview of your special at all?

Speaker 4 Like, did you make like an ad? Like, uh...

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 4 Those are my favorite things to watch.

Speaker 1 The attempt.

Speaker 6 Just fully out of context context ponchalan.

Speaker 4 It's just crazy. It's impossible.

Speaker 1 It's just the attempt of just like,

Speaker 4 yeah, I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. You're just like, what? I don't want to watch.

Speaker 1 Red squirrels.

Speaker 1 A long, long time ago on my last podcast. Dave's singing, by the way.
There was a guy that we found.

Speaker 1 and he had put together a promo for his special and there were like flash pods and stuff coming out just fire shooting up from the and i made fun of it and

Speaker 1 he reaches out and he's like, dude, I'm the biggest fan, and this just totally popped me out. I was just like, oh, no!

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 you piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Jesus. Then someone had convinced me to do it, and I was just like, wow, this didn't go the way.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 6 Also, like, that's what the clips are for. Like, clips are the promo.

Speaker 1 That's the commercial.

Speaker 1 Just watch that.

Speaker 4 There are a couple specials that have commercials now, and I just always am like, yeah, no, it's just, it's a fool's errand. Yeah.
You know, I don't believe that's right.

Speaker 1 You're just like, no.

Speaker 4 I'll be doing it soon. Arielle, thank you for joining us.
Appreciate it very much.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, come back.
You're the best.

Speaker 4 Yeah, come back. Do you want to do another one right now?

Speaker 1 Do I do six more? We're very needy.

Speaker 1 Would you like to host this show with us every week? Is that crazy?

Speaker 1 What's your schedule like?

Speaker 6 um thank you

Speaker 1 thank you very much

Speaker 6 i would love to come back if if and you know as long as that guy on reddit isn't like this dumb bitch wasn't she brought bad energy as long as he's cool with it no he'll be like

Speaker 1 even if it is there it's all we get too we have a people get really mad at the subreddit because a long time ago i said just no negativity just cut everybody loose who talks shit and so everyone's just very nice on there and every once in a while come in and say something bad and they're blink.

Speaker 1 We just, we just ban them.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And, you know, unless it's a white guy.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, thank you.

Speaker 17 Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop.
You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about?

Speaker 17 By the way, it's not Gary, it's Gareth. Well, we have partnered with Lakeside Animation, and we are starting to animate some of our episodes.

Speaker 17 So if you want to go watch a five-parter animation, which is actually like a 22-minute episode or 30-minute episode, I can't remember, of the Rube, you can go to Lakeside Animation on YouTube and watch a really awesome animation of the Rube.

Speaker 17 It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it.

Speaker 17 And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better better chance we have of making a lot more of them.

Speaker 17 We're already making a second one, so go there and watch the Rube.

Speaker 16 Nursing is tough. It is not an easy job.
It is not for everybody, but it is very rewarding. My name is Kenny.
I trained to be a nurse at Carrington.

Speaker 16 I get satisfaction from helping people, bringing them and their families some peace, and that does a lot for me. Carrington prepared us extremely well for our careers.

Speaker 16 Very fast-paced, a lot more hands-on. Class sizes are small enough that you really can get one-on-one time if you do need it.

Speaker 3 To start or advance your nursing career, visit Carrington.edu to learn more. For information about student outcomes, visit Carrington.edu forward slash SCI.