Toast Herstory: The Royal Toast (Original Airdate Friday, October 30th, 2020)

Good morning, millennials.

Good morning, brother.

Good morning, brother.

Good morning, grandmother.

Good morning, my grandsons.

You are looking ravishing this morning, grandmother.

Thank you.

You as well.

You look so beautiful, grandmother.

We are so happy to see you.

Thank you for having me.

I can't keep the accent.

It's you.

You are the most radiant woman in all of Great Britain.

Thank you.

So radiant woman.

That's what grandmother told me.

Yes.

We love you so much, Grandmother.

You, brother, are another story.

Oh, I'm another story.

Broke the family apart.

Disrespected the crown.

And I'm the problem.

Grandmother, can you believe this?

What bullocks?

Bloody L, Grandmother.

Bullocks.

Bloody L.

You know that's not what happened.

That's exactly what happened, my Harry.

Grandmother, whose side are you on?

Harry.

William, but I'll still be.

Harry, why don't you you go back to Canada or wherever it is you're...

Los Angeles.

Yeah, gallivanting around the country while your duties wait for you at home.

Don't you miss your duties?

No, I have enough duties on my own.

Well, just know all of us back home are picking up the slack where you and your wife left us.

I'm sorry, brother.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't do it anymore.

Yeah.

I couldn't do it anymore.

Do you know how much?

Do you know how much I would give to be you?

No responsibility.

No care in the world.

Do you know how much I would give to be you?

To be the heir, not the spare.

Oh, what I would give to be the spare.

Let's switch.

Good switch.

Good morning, everyone.

In case you haven't noticed, the Windsor family is coming to you live and in living color from the Toast Studios.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Woo-hoo!

Happy Halloween.

Happy toaster ween.

Grandmother, we love you.

We got the snitch in the studio.

Give it up for grandmother.

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-grandmother Grandmother snitch!

What do you do?

You are being fucking crazy.

Like, you know, when you put on a costume and, like, it kind of gets to you?

Like, Harry's getting to you.

So, and, like, I didn't know what kind of Harry I was going to be, but I just feel like this, like, party boy Harry

where I'm just like, grandmother, let's fucking shit.

Grandmother, let's hit the clubs.

Oh my God, you're definitely channeling like early 2000s Harry.

He's not Megan Markle Harry.

This is not like New Fatherhood Harry.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's really

yet.

We have you right there.

You're really like the rebel, Harry.

Rebel without a cause.

Well, we hope you guys enjoy our costumes.

This is now year four.

Year four.

Wow, that's crazy.

Yep, and honestly, this is my favorite one yet.

I'm just like really feeling my look, like my linen suit.

Honestly, the linen suit is like a vibe on you.

No, I know.

I was like, I'm going to save this suit for Zach to try

to a wedding on the beach or something.

No, it's really a vibe.

I see why he enjoys it so much.

Yeah, no.

Fabulous.

Fabulous, bloody fabulous.

Bruva, you look fabulous in your royal garb.

Well, as you know, part of being the next heir to the throne is my royal duties in the Air Force.

I know you know nothing about that, brother, seeing as how you spent your formative years in Las Vegas, but I have actually spent lots of time in the Air Force, and it has been one of the most, if not the, gratifying experience of my life.

Kate and I are,

Catherine and I are honored to have been a part of the Air Force.

It's quite a wonderful organization.

I'm happy for you, brother.

Know that I am.

Okay.

Grandmother in studio.

Grandmother, is this your first podcast?

Good question.

It is.

Yeah, so we've got Queen Elizabeth on the podcast, just like a little talk

spectacular.

Gran, what are your thoughts on the podcasting medium?

I think it's great.

I think it's a little saturated.

However, I think that is right.

I think this is a great one.

Gran just shading us.

Gran just shook up the industry.

Gran.

Gran.

Well, we, of course, are delivering the Fast Five.

We're giving you a regular show today, just in our royal garb.

And, you know, royal.

This is the thing about royalty, and as William would say, like, it's just something you're born into.

Like, it's not a choice, it's a lifestyle.

Yeah.

And I definitely feel that way.

Like, I was meant to be royal.

The royal life chooses you.

You don't choose it.

And it chose me.

And I said, no, thank you, brother.

Ask out, brother.

That's exactly what you said.

You said, not today, brother.

Not today.

Well, we, you know, I actually think it might be beneficial for Harry to hear what's been going on at Buckingham Palace since he's been departed for Canada.

Yes, Grandmother, how has your quarantine been?

It's been lovely.

I've had a lot of kettle.

I mean,

a lot of tea.

And, you know, he's just chilled with the staff.

And to be quite honest, the

palace has, how do you Americans say?

A better vibe.

Gina sequa.

Gina sequa.

Without you and megan uh you know stinking up the place wow brother well

drama

has a great vibe for me brother i'm in hollywood bitch

well brother all i can say is that your presence is not missed and the palace is doing better

great without you and that's that's all we invited you here to say brother good well when i left the palace that's all that i wanted i wanted the best for everyone including me and my family

how is the the little champ, by the way?

Oh, he's such a cute, sweet, crunchy angel, boy.

The man, the man, Archie, so crunchy.

He actually is really cute.

He's really cute.

Yeah, he's really cute.

That's your great-great-grandson.

And brother?

And brother.

Would you like to ask how my children are?

How is the family?

The future heir to the thrones.

How is the family, brother?

The family's just delightful.

You know, Kate is just popping them out left and right, even though I didn't even know we had sex still, but she's just popping them out left, right, left, right.

It's fucking wild.

And the kids, they're just getting so big and so annoying.

And I just don't know what to do because I'm from Africa now.

The accent's very hard.

The accent is hard to stay in it when you're southern.

So I literally go from like British to French, Australian.

Australian.

I feel like part, like, the Brits are very state, like, not very emotional.

So when I'm just like popping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just become like a cowboy.

No, Irish, yeah.

Like, it's really hard not to just automatically become southern.

Like, even though the regions are just not that close.

No, they're not.

But you are the Prince of Wales.

Well, the people of Welsh, no, the Welsh people are some of my favorite.

What a wonderful providence.

I actually.

Province?

Province.

And I don't know if father ever told you this story because he hates you, and he probably didn't, but he actually gave a speech in Wales in Welsh, and it was one of the most defining moments of his career.

The Welsh are a very proud people, Brava.

Yes, ma'am.

I would expect nothing less.

You sound like Drake and Josh.

Yes, Brava!

Hug me!

Hug me, Brava!

Hug me, grandmother!

Kerma, can I have a hug?

Sure.

Okay, later.

You come here.

We actually have a great show because we have Fast Five Stories, and Southern Charm started last night, as did Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

So.

We've been keeping up with them Kardashian girls and very interesting.

Yes, I've heard you and Megan are really trying to cozy up to that Hollywood scene.

Yes, yes, we've met Kim before.

Very beautiful woman.

Yes, very beautiful.

Very, uh.

How do you Americans say?

Uh.

How do we say?

Okay, what do we say?

How do you Americans say she's very uh hot?

Oh.

Yeah, hot.

Hot.

I quite enjoy the Kardashian girls.

Brava, if you actually do end up becoming acquaintances with her, do let me know.

I'll have to make a visit to the States.

Okay, Brava.

Um, okay, so I think maybe, like, without further ado, we should dive in.

Yeah, let's dive in.

It's the toaster ween.

We got some great stories for you today.

So, without further ado, it is time for the fast five stories that you need to know

before you wake up and take a bite of your morning toast, brother.

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I hope you're enjoying it.

I know I am.

Love ya.

Bye.

Because I'm very stressed, brother.

Me too, brother.

Which you have to be stressed about.

Would you look at me?

I don't have any bloody hair.

I don't have any bloody hair, grandmother, and you won't pay for the hair plugs.

So, what the fuck am I supposed to do, grandmother?

Have the taxpayers pay for them.

Oh my god, bloody hell.

I've been balding since the time I was 12.

Nobody in this fucking palace seems to give a shit.

You don't have any money?

No, grandmother.

You You hold the keys to my fortune, and I can't go.

I've been trying to fly to Turkey.

Ask Turkey!

Ask your father!

I've been trying to fly to Turkey for the last three years to get a special hair plug procedure, but nobody in this fucking CAM family cares about anything other than Bloody Harry and his bloody fucking drama.

Ask your father.

Jesus.

Sorry to take the Lord's name in vain, grandmother, but I'm upset.

Brother, get a job.

Oh.

Do some Instagram sponsorships like the rest of us.

Not all of us can just rub elbows with Bob Iger and make a $50 million deal for our wives.

Some of us obey the rules.

Well, Breva, look where I got you.

Bald.

That's so mean.

You know, I just feel like William's definitely deeply insecure about his hair.

Like, nobody takes him seriously.

He could get it fucking fixed, okay?

Yeah, but he can't at this point because then everyone is.

It's too late.

No, but then he'd be like, he'd be a speaker for people.

He's great.

He'd be a speaker for hair plugs.

I'm not really hating the bald look on me.

No, I think you look great.

I think he looks great.

I think I look fabulous.

Sorry, bruva.

I didn't mean to uh

it's not very royal of me.

I apologize.

I know you don't care about being royal, but some of us still do.

Excuse me, I'm the Duke of Sussex, bitch.

And not anymore.

Not anymore.

Still, I got that trademark.

No, you don't.

No, you can't use it.

Stay tuned for merch drop.

Okay, first story is about us, bruva.

What is the British tabloid saying about us again?

The press is saying our royal rift was sealed by fate.

And Diana.

And you know, brother, that makes me feel better because

this was destiny.

What are you saying?

What's the story?

Bruva, Prince Harry and Prince William were once the closest of friends.

They're for each other through thick and thin.

Those were the days, bruva.

Those were the days.

Charmingly choosing to rent a cottage together while training to become helicopter pilots in 2009.

That's so cute and steeny.

Yeah.

Quote, I do a fair bit of tidying up after him.

He snores a lot too.

He keeps me up all night long, William had said at the time.

Just over a decade later, jokes are on thin ground.

With William in London and Harry in Montecito, there are 5,500 miles between them.

They're also in incredibly different headspaces.

Quote, the rift gets more serious with every passing day.

British historian Robert Lacey told the Post of the feud that caught fire after Harry and wife Megan quit the house of Windsor in March.

So the rift is just, it's astronomical.

How do we come back from this, brother?

How do we come back to each other, brother?

If I'm going to be quite honest, I'm ha brother.

On a on a very serious note, I'm very happy for you, but I just feel as though you owe the crown an apology.

Well, brother, I've been watching the crown

and I agree.

Bloody Americans.

I agree.

The crown is a wonderful institution, Grandmother.

You are an icon, everything of the sort.

And I'm sorry if I let you down, but I had to do what was best for my family, and I'm sorry that that was not what was best for this family.

But the monarchy is most important.

I know.

You have to protect the monarchy.

I will, Gran.

No, you won't.

I'll protect the monarchy from Montecito, I swear.

I'm sorry, brother.

I hope we can be close again, even though you just touched your nose.

Brother,

I do.

I appreciate the sentiment, but

I'm afraid it's too late.

So the rift runs deeper, huh?

The rift runs deeper.

The historian was right.

I just, I hope that, you know, 100 years from now, the monarchy is not permanently

changed because of your actions.

And I just, I don't know how you sleep at night.

I sleep quite well.

Thank you.

With Palmer's health oil.

But I understand.

I understand your concern, but I had to do what was best for my family, and I'll leave it at that, brother.

Okay.

Also, a little royal news about mom and dad.

Prince Charles felt dad Prince Philip pushed him into marrying Princess Diana, the royal biographer says.

This came out today, and honestly, this doesn't sound like news.

I think we all knew that, especially if you watch The Crown, but also if you just like

have a brain.

He wanted to marry Camilla Parker, but he couldn't.

He married Diana.

Things didn't go well.

He eventually married Camilla.

But I guess that's news because this royal biography is saying that he told some of his friends that he felt pressurized into marrying Diana because Philip said, you've either got to marry her or let her go.

You can't string a young girl along.

She's only 19.

You can't string her along.

That's actually good advice, though.

That is good advice.

And I think that's literally exactly what we'll see in this season of the Crown premiering November 15th.

Ooh, I gotta catch up.

Speaking of royal autobiographies.

You are the Crown Grandmother, it's in your head.

Yeah.

Speaking of royal autobiographies, Brava, I meant to tell you I had a chance to read your non-affiliated autobiography, Founding Freedom.

And I just have to say, what a...

Crock of shit.

Crock of poo.

Of yeah.

Of poo.

Real uh, how you Americans say, propaganda.

I don't know why my accent keeps going in and out.

Yes, brother,

I know.

But I had to get my story out there.

Yes, I understand.

Feels like a gang up on Harry.

Well, welcome to the royal family, bitch.

Yeah.

Well, you've been gone for so long, brother.

We haven't had an opportunity to talk to you about all the drummings and the circuit de Soleil around your family and your name.

Gran, you said a swear word.

Gran said a swear word.

Gran said a swear word.

Gran, that's a nickel in the swear job.

Yes, Gran.

Yes, Gran.

A nickel tones your hair box.

A nickel.

Okay, next story.

Some big news in my country of America.

Jost married.

Scarlett Johansson and Colin Joast tie the knot in an intimate ceremony.

Scarlett and Colin Jost have officially said, I do.

The couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony over the weekend.

The Instagram account for Meals on Wheels America announced on Thursday.

Right, that's what I'm confused about.

So, Meals on Wheels broke the story, saying, We're thrilled to break the news that Scarlett Johanson and Colin Jost were married over the weekend in an intimate ceremony with their immediate family and loved ones following COVID-19 safety precautions as directed by the CDC.

Their wedding wish is to help make a difference for vulnerable older adults during this difficult time by supporting Meals on Wheels America.

Please consider donating to celebrate the happy couple by clicking the link in our bio.

So they let Meals on Wheels make the announcement so that Meals on Wheels would get press and more donations.

Okay, it seems bizarre because like literally two of the richest people in the world, like why don't you just give the money to Wheels on Wheels?

Well, I'm going to assume that they were donated, but then they're also just using this opportunity for philanthropic cause.

And as someone who's very steeped in philanthropy.

Yes, your book made sure to mention that 25 times.

I think this is a wonderful idea.

Congratulations to the joasts.

Yeah, brothers trying to get them invited to the next party.

I want to host SNL, Colin.

Let me on.

I'll show you a real party, Colin.

Honestly, I feel like that could happen.

That could happen.

100%.

I think I would be fabulous.

Let me on, Colin.

I'll show you a real party.

We'll party like the crown.

By the way, that's definitely like a remote possibility in the next five years.

At least Meghan Markle.

Either, oh, we could do it together.

Honestly, I feel like we're more likely to see Harry than we are to see Harry.

She could perform.

I could sing my favorite song.

What's your favorite song, brother?

What's your favorite song, bruva?

Five, six, seven.

Hey,

brother.

There's an endless world to rediscover.

Oh, that's a Vichy.

Hey, that's a challenge

hey

grammy

hey

hey

brother

you got fucking bub grad oh my god your face look fucking nuts like oh my god

My stomach hurts, Granny.

Oh my god, Gran.

I have to go party.

Gran, you have some pepto-fismo, Gran.

No, ask the butts like that oh my god.

Oh my god.

This is too funny.

Okay.

Well congratulations to the Joasts.

Can't wait to see you in New York when I'm beat traveling there.

Dude.

You're like the thirsty prince.

Like.

Literally like you're using every story as like, come to my house and want to see Joe Colin.

Like you're being fucking.

We'll crack some jokes, man.

Yes, Colin.

I've got lots of jokes for Saturn in our lives.

Oh my God.

The thirsty prince.

The thirsty prince.

Well, not prince no more.

The thirsty Duke of Sussex.

Not even

the thirsty American citizen.

The thirsty commoner.

That's literally what you are.

Commoner.

Can't relate.

Can't relate.

Commoner.

I live in a palace.

Okay, next story about some other brothers.

We love brothers.

We love the Jonas brothers.

Oh, you know, the Jonas brothers played at a state dinner.

Oh, you must have mistaken as you were out dressing up as a Nazi.

Yes, that's what you were doing.

Yes, yes, yes.

How could we forget?

But that weekend, the Jonas Brothers, they were big in America.

Big.

Big.

Big in a.

Quite large.

Large, thank you.

It's hard to say big in a British accent.

Large in America at the time.

They were these very talented young brothers.

And yes, you were busy, like i said dressing up as a nazi in a hotel room in las vegas but you missed this state dinner where

dinner where

the jonas brothers performed gran quite enjoyed them right gran quite enjoyed them it was a lovely evening lovely what's your favorite song gran

i like

burning up gran and you also like that new one

Oh, roller coaster?

Roller coaster.

That was sucker.

Yeah, sucker.

That's the one you like, Gran.

No, I like roller coaster.

Play it at night.

I know what I like.

I know what I like.

Gran, I'm telling you, we've got it on vinyl for you.

Oh, Gran, for your gramophone.

But yes, like I said,

it looks like a very player record.

Gramophone.

Yes, but Harry, he wasn't there.

Where was he?

Oh, right, yes.

He was dressing up as a Nazi.

Must you continue to bring that up, brother?

I just couldn't remember why you weren't at the state dinner, and then I remembered.

Oh, right, it's because you were dressing up, well, oh, yeah, as a Nazi.

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

You must have been hanging out with

Granddaddy Philip too much.

Shade.

Well, our favorite other brothers, the Jonas Brothers, are ready for the holidays with a new song, I Need You Christmas.

It's so good.

It's so good.

Christmas news came early for the Jonas Brothers fans, including Queen Eliza Snitch.

The band of brothers released a nostalgic-dripped Christmas ballad Thursday called I Need You Christmas, the lyrics of which celebrate the kind of joy 2020 could really use right now.

It's a really good, it's hard to make original Christmas music.

Pretty much everyone just puts out like an album of covers.

They did one last year, too.

It's really good, this one.

I really enjoyed that last year.

Um, you know, their faces were all in the ornaments for the promo.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh my god, I can't remember.

Yeah, but this one's good.

I think this one might make the Jackie ho-ho-ho playlist.

Oh, what a prestigious honor.

Yes.

I like the song a lot.

Nick actually sounds very good on it.

You know, I take any ever tunity to jab at Nick, but he sounds really good.

Yeah, I'm just hawking back to Toaster Weens of Years Past, where the Jonas Brothers were on this show.

We're on the same show that the Jonas Brothers were once on, brother.

Gran, who's your favorite brother?

Joe.

Joe.

Because I love Sophie Turner.

Oh, were you a fan of the Game of Thrones, mother?

Well, mother.

She is the crown jewel of this country, Gran.

Truly making Great Britain proud all across the U.S.

We love Sophie.

We love Sophie.

We do.

And we love that show, don't we, Gran, we used to watch together?

No, we didn't.

Before you left the family for good.

Well, that was after the finale.

I said, why would I stay here?

There's nothing to watch on TV.

There's nothing left for me here.

No more Sundays with Gran.

I'm gone.

Gran?

Would you say we get a spot of tea after this?

Harry, sorry, I know you can't come, but Gran, spot of tea?

I would love one.

Granny.

Maybe some

crumbs.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I'll have the butler.

I'll let them know.

I'm hungry too, Gran.

Could I have a

bit to eat?

Don't they have um

McDonald's where you're from?

Yes, it's very good.

Thank you for reminding me I'm going to go for a McFlurry.

Okay, next story.

Next story, this is actually really beautiful.

Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a hologram of her dad for her birthday.

Holograms are the new candy gram.

Kim Kardashian revealed that husband Kanye surprised her with an unusual present for her 40th birthday this week, a hologram message from her deceased father, Robert Kardashian.

Kim announced the gift on Twitter, calling it the most thoughtful gift of a lifetime and a special surprise from heaven.

It is so lifelike, she added.

We watched it over and over, filled with emotion.

Robert, who died in 2003, says you're 40 and all grown up.

You look beautiful just like when you were a little girl.

I watch you and your sisters and brothers and the kids every day.

Well, you know, I saw a lot of people being like, this is so weird.

Like, please don't ever do this for my birthday.

And

even Megan McCain was like, this, and you know, Megan McCain is very vocal about like grieving her dad.

And she was like, honestly, like, nobody, please don't ever do this for me.

Like, it's so funny.

Oh, no, no, I think it's so nice.

But see, the thing is, is that the Kardashians lost their dad at like a similar age that we did.

And it's like, honestly, when you lose your dad at a young age, and it's literally been so long, like you literally forget like what they look like and like their mannerisms.

So I could see how people would think that this is weird.

But I actually like think we relate to the Kardashians.

And I think that this is actually very cool because so much time has passed and you were so young and like you didn't get that much time with them.

Like Megan McCain lost her dad now.

Like she's I don't know how old she is, but she's in her 30s.

Like that's a lot of time.

Whereas like Kim and everyone they lost their dad when they were like 15 16.

So that's like when we did and you like literally don't remember them.

So like a hologram is like crazy.

Crazy.

When I first read the headline, I was like, oh, this is going to be weird.

And then I watched the video and I was just like thinking of what that would be like if it were for us.

And like that would be the most amazing thing.

Especially because like people who have lost their parents as adults, like your parent has like met your partner,

hopefully met your kids, like

pictures of them on your phone, like sees where your life is now and has told you that they're proud of you.

But if you've lost a parent like 10, 15, 20 years ago, and then they literally are being brought to life and like saying the sweetest things, I think that this is like the most amazing gift ever.

Like, literally, a gift from heaven.

And it did seem extremely lifelike.

You know, I thought it was so sweet.

And like, people were like making fun of it.

I just feel like Kim's having a bad week, but I loved it.

I thought it was so sweet.

And then, like, I understood exactly why she thought it was so special.

Yeah.

Like, honestly, it's the most creative gift I've ever

heard of.

And people aren't, some people, they're not here for it.

And I actually can understand that because when I saw the headline, I was like, nah.

But in practice, I think it's an amazing gift.

It's not, it's truly not for everyone.

No.

But I think there are people who would absolutely love it.

Appreciate it.

So if anyone wants to make me a hologram, let me know.

How much do you think that is?

I don't know.

I feel like he just has hologram technology in his studio.

He's just like put it towards this.

And like Elon Musk just like came over and programmed it.

Yeah.

Like, I think it was free.

Yeah, like you make holograms of like artists on tour.

You can, you know, he probably just went into that studio, like, booked some time and made a hologram.

But I guess, like, I don't know, I don't understand how they can, like, get his, like, mannerisms and his voice.

Like, that's.

Yeah, and his, his language and saying things.

Poofy.

Yeah.

I'm sure they use old videos and stuff.

It really is interesting.

You know, I thought it was really sweet and very cool, and I liked it.

I liked it too.

I understand not for everyone, but I'm here for it.

Me too.

Are you ready for a fifth and final story?

A fifth and final?

Yeah.

Fifth and fine.

Yeah, bruv.

Let's do it, bruv.

Because someone you mentioned, Elon Musk, Grimes reveals her five-month-old son with Elon Musk is into radical art.

He just actually is.

No, I mean, I too.

What's radical art?

Ask grandmother.

At five months, I was into literature.

That's why I'm going to be the next king and not you.

But literature, radical art, like lots of.

Well, Elon, I think this is fabulous.

If you want to give me a column, talk about it.

The thirsty prince strikes again.

Grimes has a mini art critic on her hands.

The singer revealed that her son at nearly six months old is already forming his own opinions in an interview with the New York Times, arguing that babies do have taste.

She said that they definitely like some things.

They don't like other things.

They fully have opinions.

I do agree with that, but I wouldn't necessarily like call, actually, I think I would call Kayla an art critic.

Well, that's what I was going to say.

So our niece, Michaela, is similar age as AEX, 12 Angel, 52, 97, 81.

She calls him X for short, by the way.

Got it.

I think that Michaela...

is definitely showing signs of like extreme interest in radical art and literature and poetry and cinema.

And I believe that five-month-olds are definitely, while they may not articulate their interests, they definitely have very strong views on radical art.

I agree, like my son Archie, he's a radical art critic as well.

If you want to get the kids together, Elon, maybe we could talk.

Shop, shop, shop, shop.

Brother, I could tell you're losing your British accent quite a bit ever since journeying over to the States.

Yes, the States have been very influential on me.

Howdy, y'all.

I'm Prince Harry.

How y'all doing?

It's me, Prince Harry, all the way from Cambridge.

Now living in Montecito.

Montecito.

That's famous.

How's Montecito?

Oh, brother, you've got to come this time of year.

It is fabulous.

None of that British rain and sludge.

We've got sunshine and bikinis.

You've got sunshine and

poor air quality, so I hope you enjoyed that, brother.

Thank you, brother.

Nothing like the British smudge.

Always raining on my parade.

No wonder you're a Brit, always raining.

Hey, Gran, how are you doing, Gran?

Gran, it's Gran.

It's Gran.

Fabulous.

I'm hungry.

Me too.

I'm so good to you Gran.

Gran, please join me.

Gran, don't worry.

We'll get a spot of tea after this, and I'll take care of you.

I'll get you biscuits and crumpets and all the things you like, scones.

Those little blueberry scones that they make down at the bakery.

I know you like those, Gran.

Yes, I do.

Gran, could I come, please, Gran, I'm so hungry.

I don't think so.

No.

It's royal

stuff, yeah.

Grant!

Sorry, brother.

I couldn't use a sport of tea.

But you could try some stuff.

Why don't you go get a coffee?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you go with your New York friends and get some coffee, Harry?

Oh, Grant, please.

Let's move into our TV recap segment.

Yes, let's move right into it.

I've been watching a lot of TV in America.

They've got fabulous shows.

The reality TV that we were on last night was Keeping Up with with the Kardashians and Southern Charm started.

Yes, I watched Kardashians first.

Let's start there.

Okay, I watched Southern Charm first.

So brother, how do we know who gets to go fest?

Oh, brother, it's an age-old question between us.

Keeping up Kardashians.

It was really good, actually.

Like, I feel like in a lot of ways, it felt like a PSA for like coronavirus.

You know what I mean?

It really did.

And it was virtually filmed, which is so...

crazy, but they did an amazing job with the two camera angles.

And then they had interviews that they clearly like filmed in their homes months later.

And I thought they did such a good job.

Like, I didn't feel like I was watching like a torturous virtual experience.

I totally agree.

I thought tech-wise, it was really, really well done.

And how much like they were willing to show, because like Kim was literally with the four kids.

Kanye was quarantined.

And I don't think she had any of her staff.

So she was literally like taking care of all four kids full-time while they were in school and still managed to film.

And then Chloe's like literally on death's door and she's still managing to film too.

But it's like, where was Courtney, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, I guess then they showed like Courtney and Scott went to Palm Springs with the the kids, which was cute.

And it's nice to see them like together and like put some like

pieces together with the headlines of like Courtney and Scott are quarantined together.

Like what does this mean?

It means that they both love their kids and want to spend time with them.

I loved like seeing so much of Chloe's bedroom.

Like it's literally the most beautiful bedroom.

I think that's the dream.

Same thing.

Dream bedroom.

I'm like, I felt bad that she was so sick and literally couldn't leave her room.

But I'm like, of all the places to be quarantined, like her live, her bedroom has like a living room off the side.

And then like her, I'm sure her master bed bed bathroom is so sick.

Like I was obsessed with her room too.

Like her bed looks so comfortable so comfortable she's really like has nice decorating style i feel like her decor is like the most unique no but i feel like kim's is like super unique but chloe's is like the most livable and like where you would actually want to live yeah yeah yeah kylie also though yeah yeah oh yeah kylie just a little bit of kylie yeah yeah

it is like kind of lame no and it's also like give me something or don't yeah and she already like shared that on snapchat like there was a story like that she had said that she had to quarantine for her pregnancy but by the way kim literally looked so beautiful like running around Calabasas, like just walking over to her mom's house and like walking around her house like while the kids were in school, like her face and her hair, like she looked so stunning.

Yeah, she really did.

She really does it all.

I liked the episode because I felt like it really symbolized what a lot of people were going through in quarantine, which is like one, being lonely, two, like worrying so deeply about like your older family members, like when they were just like worried for MJ because like she had already been quarantined for two months because of her hip surgery and now she wasn't gonna be able to leave and like they were just like crying and Chris was like, please call MJ today.

Like it's so sad and that's what like a lot of people were dealing dealing with.

I feel like they actually did a really good job of like capturing the

vibe of what lockdown was, especially like the first week, yeah.

The first few weeks, like, really missing your family, yeah, and feeling lonely, yeah.

But when Kim was like, Should we go to Wyoming, like, because she had a house, like that is just the vibe, like to be able to be like, Should we just like go to Wyoming?

But they didn't, no, I know, because of

Connie couldn't fly

and neither could MJ.

Yeah,

But when MJ finally got to Palm Springs, I felt like a way to go.

I knew I was like, wow, she should stay there.

Like, I just went for lunch.

I feel like, like,

I don't think she was moving in.

Like, I think just Chris was just getting her out of the house for like a day.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't think she was staying there.

But I feel like she should have.

Me too.

I don't know.

She probably has all her things at home.

Like, likes her stuff.

Yes.

And I feel like the older you get, like, everyone worries about you in your house, but you actually like being home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I thought it was a great episode.

I felt so bad for Chloe.

You could actually tell, like, when she was starting to feel better, like, she was literally, you know, when you get, like, really sick or like you're really, really not feeling well.

And then, like, you feel so much better.

And, like, you are literally so grateful to God, like, for this gift.

Yeah.

She, like, she was becoming like a preacher.

She was like, God bless us all.

The Lord brought me out of this.

Like, I know that feeling when you're in so much pain and you don't know like if you're going to die and like God brings you out of it, you become a woman of God.

And like, literally, Chloe was like, Praise be.

May God bless us all.

Yeah.

She said that like a million times and like I knew exactly what she meant.

I can't believe how bad she got it.

I know.

Like right at the beginning.

And she didn't even go to Paris.

She was like being super careful.

And it was crazy how they were like, Kanye and Chloe were so sick, like so, so sick.

And they were like, maybe it's corona.

Now it's like if you have those symptoms, like

finished.

But it was very dramatic.

Kim Kardashian West test negative.

Yes.

Kanye West positive.

Chloe Kardashian positive.

It was really like eerie.

Yeah, very eerie.

Really good episode.

Really well done filming.

I think some of the best virtual content, if not the best, that's a good idea.

I agree.

I agree.

And good for Kim and Chloe, once again, for putting the show on their backs.

Right.

Even when Chloe was literally on Death's Tour.

Right.

Like, she literally just set up a camera like 24 hours in her room while she was being miserable.

It's not like she turned it on to go cough in her bed.

Like, she was just like letting herself be filmed, like being so sick.

Totally.

And then Southern Charm was back.

And you know what?

I actually thought it was like a great episode.

It usually is.

Yeah, and I love

that new guy.

Like, I really ship him in Madison.

I know.

Okay, so we need to talk about there's a new, is he a new cast member?

Was that like announced?

Yes, there's two.

Yes.

And that girl who's friends with Cameron.

Yes.

And so this is what I think happened because I remember her from other seasons.

And like, she's really, like, one of Cameron's best friends.

And I think Cameron brought her on the show and was like, come on the show.

And it was like, great.

And then I think like Cameron was supposed to do this season, but heard that like it was starting off with like Catherine talking about her husband having an affair.

And she was like, nope, I'm done with this show.

Like, fuck this.

Yeah.

And that's why her friends are on it, but she's not.

And that's why they were like, is Cam coming to the party?

Because, like,

they wouldn't ask that about someone who's not a cast member anymore.

I agree.

But they thought she was still going to be a cast member.

And it's clear that she decided, like, once they started filming, like, no, no, no, I'm not doing this anymore.

And even though, like, Catherine was so wrong to say those things, especially if they're not true.

And even if they are true, like, it's just not her business.

Like, I understand why Catherine is.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm 100% on Team Catherine.

Like, I understand why Catherine will be mad at Cameron for

to the day she dies.

Yeah.

And by the way, it's, I don't, I don't know if those rumors are, are, aren't true, but I heard them too.

And it was like maybe a year ago, probably around the time that this was filming.

Like, I heard all that.

There were all those like Instagrams of people being like, I met her husband, whatever.

Like, there were legitimate rumors.

And, like, why does Cameron get protected when literally

Catherine's rehab, her custody, her relationship with Thomas, none of them, none of that got protected?

Like, it was literally all put on display.

And Cameron was like the self,

she put herself in charge as like the moral compass of the show.

So like, she was was the narrator and like whatever she said goes on whoever she liked you liked whoever like she was against you were against and she literally i'm so team catherine fueled so much of the dislike against catherine she did apologize and yeah and she knows that and like we all know that but I am sure.

She never got her ass handed to her in the way that she deserved to.

In the way that she handed it to so many people.

Even though like we love her and she's like so funny and she is such a great person.

Like she was really she really went really hard on Catherine for a number of years and now Catherine like

now Catherine can finally get her revenge and I don't like think that that's how it should go an eye for an eye but I understand why Catherine feels that way 100% no I was actually like I'm like go like the way that she did it more intentionally whereas like Cameron the way what she did to Catherine was like over many years and was way more sneaky but I don't know part of me just like did not feel bad at all like yeah sorry that first of all this is what it's like on a reality show and B especially this type of reality show where people's dirty laundry has been aired for years and most of it was Catherine's yeah I understand why Catherine like I I wouldn't have done it but I understand why Catherine didn't care and Catherine was just going to say she looks great.

Catherine has finally embraced the middle part and I'm so excited about it.

Yeah.

And when they were flashing back to like the things that Catherine has, Cameron has said about Catherine, they didn't even really choose the worst ones.

They just like chose ones where she was like not interested in Catherine drama.

But like she

was very hard on Catherine for so many years.

I agree 100%.

So that's how I feel about that.

I think Craig is like literally the world's best friend.

Like he's able to be a friend to Catherine and Cameron at the same time um

and i think everything that he did in that situation was right like he knew that this shouldn't come up on camera like he's and he told that to catherine yeah he's telling cameron what's happening i think he's doing a great job what i like about southern charm is that like i really genuinely like most of the cast yeah me too and honestly like i was really hating shep last season but i feel like he's having like a come to jesus moment he's in a relationship he started therapy like he like he was such an asshole last season especially to madison and then that instagram story thing i can't believe they put that in the the show.

Like, he was just obviously like in a bad place in his life, and I like love that they're addressing it head on.

And it seems like he's really in a good place with like this very normal girl who's like bringing him down to earth.

Yeah, no, I look forward to watching the rest of that journey.

Also, oh, this is what I was gonna say.

I genuinely like most of the cast, and the people who like I've hated are gone.

Me too.

Like, Ashley, Landon, yep, Thomas.

I thought seeing Thomas was chills.

Chilling.

It was so eerie.

Yes.

And he's part of of the cast now, from what I've heard.

Really?

Yeah, I thought, like, or maybe not like a full cast member, but like he's going to be on the show.

And I just think that is so weird.

I think it's wrong.

I think it's wrong.

And it was so weird to see him.

And the other person who I fucking hate, who never got what was deserved on the show.

Can I guess?

Patricia?

No.

Oh.

Oh, but we should talk about her.

JD.

Oh, agreed.

But he was also never a full-time cast member.

No, but like he did so much damage and so much shit talking.

And another one who just went so hard on Catherine.

And then all his chickens came to roost yeah and we never saw it on the show it was just like in Charleston press like that he's literally like bankrupt and a fraud and like a literal piece of shit and like a predator yeah

So that like I'm glad that all the people that I really don't like are gone.

It makes it much more pleasant to watch.

To watch a bunch of people who like I actually think are I love are good people and I I love Madison and Austin I don't know if they're end game because like when she was just talking to that guy and like they have kids and it's like it's true like and Patricia said it really well like Austin is a frat boy and like yes Madison is just in a different place in her life like she has kids and and she's really so mature.

Like, even just watching her morning routine with her kid, like, my God, she's so busy, and Austin's still asleep.

Like, I actually feel what Patricia was saying.

Yes, I feel like what she was saying, too.

And I want to see where this goes.

Maybe it will, even if I do sort of think Madison and Austin are end game, they, like, can't quit each other.

Yeah.

And she's, like, such a smart girl.

Yeah.

She just loves him.

So, but maybe her, you know, wandering off with like this guy will inspire Austin to step it up.

Yeah, but like, we've been waiting for Austin to, we've been waiting waiting for all these dudes like step it up like since we met them.

But Craig is stepping it up.

I'm just gonna say that.

Shep is trying to step it up.

Yep, I agree.

So?

Yeah.

Patricia.

I just hate her.

Like, I just don't understand why this older woman is like.

Why was she at Shep's party?

Again, she was like, where's the catering?

I'm like, this is a fucking party where people get blacked out, Patricia.

You want to go out to dinner?

Go across the street to the steakhouse.

But like, that's not what it is.

Like, she, like, her being at that party makes no sense.

Like, and her, like, having parties at her house, dinner parties at her house, where literally every person there is 30 years old, like, makes makes no sense.

And I just think, like, if we're not going to, you know,

at least talk about how weird it is, then I can't get on board.

I feel like you and I always talk about how weird it is.

And it's like, finally, she's coming around, but she is another one who was so, so horrible about Catherine.

And Catherine has forgiven her, and they've moved on and they have a friendship.

But I just feel like so much, so many people in this cast were just on the wrong side of history.

I know, and I don't know how Catherine works with them.

Like, they're so evil.

I know.

But, you know, Catherine's not perfect either.

So it's that, and they're really all seem to be, like, actually friends.

Yeah.

And that's why the show really works.

I thought it was a good episode.

It looks like it's going to be a really good season.

One person who left who I miss is Chelsea.

Yeah.

I really liked her.

And Naomi.

And Naomi.

But I understand.

Like, I understand.

I actually respect people who know when to walk away.

Agreed.

Like, tensely.

Like, you know, there's a time for everything, and there's also a time to say goodbye.

And so.

And for you, apparently, that was this year when you decided to move to Canada.

Yes, 2020 has been a crazy one, hasn't it been, Bruva?

Well, honestly, at Buckingham Palace, it's been relatively unchanged, seeing as how the staff has all been quarantined with us, and we're really living at

regular pace, although a lot of our state visits have been derailed, which has been lovely for Gran and I.

We're spending lots of time in the garden, drinking tea.

She's gotten very, very close with Catherine, my wife.

I don't know if you know her.

And it's just been wonderful for the family.

We've never been closer.

Wouldn't you agree, Gran?

It's true.

Well, I've never been closer with my family, brother, so I'm glad we're all living the lives that we so choose.

Yes, I agree, brother.

And you know, after all is said and done,

family's family.

Family is family.

Put her there.

Oh,

brother.

Oh, Clammy.

Oh, my God.

I got a lot on my plate, brother.

Anything else the Royals want to say before we wrap up this Toasta Wing 2020?

Gran, thank you for coming on our show.

Thank you for having me.

It is an honor to have a woman of your stature.

Truly an honor.

Snitch, we miss you.

I miss you guys too.

Oh yes, snitch.

Like we have snitch on the toe.

We're under here too.

We haven't had the snitch cam in forever.

How are you?

Did you miss us?

Yes, I did.

But you're living life and you're just happy and you don't want to come back here.

Exactly.

How's Knowles?

She's so good.

She's fabulous.

She's really growing up.

It's really sad, but she's great.

She's got her own personality.

She is in another world.

She's going to get a cell phone soon, like be texting all her friends.

Like you'll be able to do that.

You want to ask her.

Harry, how?

Oh, how's Bruno?

I mean, like, I had asked off camera, but yeah.

He's really good.

He's so cute.

I met him yesterday.

And Letal, what did you think of the man?

So fucking cute.

Like, oh my God, like, I love him so much.

He's so cute.

He just has, like, such great energy.

You know, he's very Zen, I feel.

I can't believe you have a puppy.

I know.

It's so crazy.

It's amazing.

I'm so excited to get the group together.

They'll bring the family together.

The children.

We literally have so many dogs.

We have like, what do they call it?

Like a...

A troop.

No, like when you give birth, like the

litter.

We have a litter.

We do.

We have so many dogs.

We've got to get the kids together to play.

Yes, bring them to the garden.

Oh, I forgot you're not allowed back at Buckingham.

Maybe Palmy.

Make me a visitor's pass for the day.

Amazing.

For Archie.

I'll talk to mother about it.

For Archie.

We'll talk to mother and we'll see.

That's all I can say.

Archie.

For Archie.

Dr.

Fauchie.

Anything else anyone wants to say before we wrap this mother up?

We hope everyone has a happy, happy Halloween.

Can't wait to see.

See you.

Stay healthy.

Margaret, keep keep me going.

Run, tell them.

Vote.

Vote.

Tell them all, Marga.

What else do they need to do?

Where else do you have to do it?

Wash your face.

Wash your hands.

Wash your hands.

Wear your mask.

Be with people.

Don't be afraid.

Be nice to people.

Be nice.

Treat people with kindness.

Don't troll anyone's Instagram this weekend.

If you're in your mental health.

Yeah.

Just take care of yourself, guys.

It's hard out there.

Listen to the

queen.

The literal queen.

Listen to her.

And as always,

God save the queen.

And with that, we have a due adieu.

God save the Queen.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.

We hope you enjoyed Toaster Ween 2020.

And we will see you back on Monday for a regular episode.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta.