Billion Dollar Dookie: Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the toast and happy Tuesday.

Oh my god, you guys, today is just It's Giving Monday for me.

It's giving rebirth, regenesis, renewal.

I'm alive.

In the words of Celine Dion, I'm alive.

Hey, Jax, how you doing?

That's in the words of Sia.

Oh.

No, but there isn't.

There's a Celine Dion.

I'm alive.

That's in the words of Celine Dion.

When you look, look,

when you look at me.

Sorry, got my, my queens of pop.

Your icons confused.

Hi, Turtle.

Today's very exciting because you're feeling better.

I'm in my flunn stage, which just means I'm so close to the end.

And we're majorly twinning, which is so perfect for being back in studio.

We're coming back with a bang as twins.

Okay, we're coming back with a bang.

We are both wearing pink, which I think I've realized is one of my colors.

I don't want to get into that again, but I think it is.

I stole this outfit from my friend Molly.

Like, literally, it's one of the hardest things to get.

You have a friend, Molly?

Yeah, Jackie, I do.

And you're about to, you're going to know her too soon.

Like, she, like, you're going to love Molly.

You stole it from Molly?

Yeah.

From her house?

She, like, let me borrow it.

And then she was like, no, you can keep it.

I'm like, okay, I will.

Who's Molly?

Jackie, she's my friend Molly.

I told you about her.

You did, but like, why would you be wearing her clothes?

What do you mean?

Like, that's what friends do.

No, but not unless, like, you were at her house.

Oh, when I was in Fort Worth.

Oh, okay.

Molly is who I was visiting in Fort Worth, one of my many Fort Worth friends.

And this is the Aviator Nation X Barbie collab.

It's like really hard to come by.

And she was so gracious to give it to me.

And like, I'm going to wear it.

Yeah, that's so nice.

We're kind of just like obsessed with Barbie.

Jackie, I was just going to say, we're turning into like a Barbie stand show.

For sure.

Except that is like a small beef that I have with Barbie is like,

we can like pink like outside of Barbie too.

Yeah, no, they don't like that.

Barbie didn't invent pink.

I do think though that this specific shade is like licensed and owned.

It's like a panty color.

A color of Barbie pink.

But this is it.

No, that's not it.

Okay.

But just really quickly back to my health.

I am feeling so much better.

I started an antibiotic yesterday and I went to the doctor.

One thing about me, like it's going to take me a year to go to the doctor.

Like if I just went to the doctor on day one,

I wouldn't have had to miss the show yesterday.

Like

sure, but like, you don't need to go to the doctor when you have a cold, but when things are getting bad and they're not getting better, then you go to the doctor.

So, your girl has sinusitis, which is thankfully not contagious.

So, Ben has been like avoiding me all week, and now he can, you know, rest easy knowing he can take care of me without getting sick and compromising his own health.

I just feel like husbands and wives, like, avoiding each other to not get sick, like, get in the trenches with me.

You're getting sick.

I deal with it.

It's actually unfair of me.

That's a mischaracterization.

Ben has been so fabulous, like really taking care of me, every want and need, rubbing my back, my feet, but like he won't like kiss me, you know?

Well, maybe that's just because it's gross, but I feel like when someone in the house gets sick, like we're, there's no trying to stay apart.

Okay, that's how I feel.

That's how I feel when I'm sick.

But when Ben's sick, like, I will be going on vacation.

Like, goodbye.

Okay, well, if you leave the house, you leave the house.

But when we're in-house, like, the idea of like separating in-house, in apartment,

give it up.

Let everyone be in the bed.

I also.

damn she cut me off for nothing what was i gonna say cut me off for nothing wait

i also

no i have no gone it's going going gone maybe you have that covid brain fog well i didn't have covid just like to be clear i have sinusitis but like what if you did have covid like you have no covet stigma Yeah, no, COVID is like the flu.

Like, you get sick.

It's like every year for sure.

But I'm just saying, like, I didn't have it.

Like, facts are important here.

Was Ben jealous that you had sinusitis because sinuses are kind of his thing?

It's so true.

Like, I don't think I've ever had a sinus infection in my life.

And Ben gets them once a week and he doesn't shut the fuck up about them.

I do want to say, like, I have a lot of sympathy now.

It's really not ideal.

But Ben literally had sinuses.

You don't feel like now you could be like, well, I had it.

So you're fine.

You know, I know what it's like and you're fine.

No, because I wasn't fine.

and I was like really dramatic.

I almost made Ben take me to the emergency room on Sunday.

Like I was really not okay.

But I don't mean to, you know, reflect on the negative times.

I am feeling so much better and I'm at that stage of, I'm not, I'm not 100%.

And I have this thing where whenever I start to feel better, I like go 100% and then I get sick again because I didn't let myself fully recover.

So I need to recover, but I'm just at the stage where I'm

like, I really will never ever take my health for granted again.

It's so empowering to be healthy and to get up and to be able to like do your job and clean your home and like

to do things.

Yeah.

And I'll never take that for granted again.

I'm feeling so blessed to be here.

I'm so blessed to be in studio, blessed to have clips today.

Like I

health is just, no, I feel like we all take our health for granted.

Like we just wake up every day and our health, most of us, God, you know, God willing, we just wake up and are healthy and we can, you know, move.

I couldn't move.

So what are you going to do differently going forward to preserve your health?

Oh, well, I got my blood work done while I was at the doctor yesterday just to make sure everything else was in order.

And the good news is that my very, well, it wasn't very, but like my high cholesterol has come down in the last nine months due to my, you know, obsession with exercise, which was one of the impetuses for me starting to exercise.

Nine months ago, my doctor was like, your cholesterol is really high.

And I was like, no, it runs in my family.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

It just runs in my family.

And they were like, no, you should start exercising, fatty.

And I was like, oh, okay.

So I did.

Yeah, high cholesterol does run in our family, but like you could also compound that.

that.

Yeah, yeah.

So like I'm kind of like, have perfect cholesterol now, which is really exciting.

You have low cholesterol now?

Not low.

Good.

Good.

Good.

Your girl is vitamin D deficient.

Like, okay.

She needs a D.

Ben.

Ben, she needs a D.

Wow, that's literally not what I thought you were going to say.

I thought you were going to say, oh, she needs to come visit me, vitamin D.

With her husband.

I gave you a sound machine right wait no vitamin D is the sun no yes

no I do me and my husband need to come fuck in your yard

on one of your new lounge chairs I have new outdoor furniture and it's cut it has covers built in so go to town perfect I need you guys to leave the premises and you take the kids to you know

local park whatever the library So me and Ben can

can become undeficient.

So you don't get the D.

So me and Ben can become sufficient.

Wow, that was like one of the dumbest things I've ever said.

Undeficient.

Classic.

And like we're back, which is so exciting.

There's such great stories today.

Like Aaron not being in studio for like, we have such great, like, we have yesterday was, it was definitely a loss for the community that we weren't in studio yesterday.

If you didn't listen to yesterday's episode because you're a video swirly, like you absolutely need to go listen like for context for today's episode.

So we have like spillover from the Grammys.

We have more stories.

Like I cannot believe King Charles has cancer.

Like, there's so much to unpack.

We're alive.

It's just, we're alive, Jax.

And we're wearing pink.

We're wearing pink.

We love Barbie.

We're the number one

podcast in comedy today.

We are the number two.

Who's number one?

Smartless.

Rats.

Fuck them.

But like, Jackie, we are alive.

Like, I just need everyone to take a moment.

I know life is hard and things are really like for anyone today.

Today's maybe not the best day of someone's life.

Someone's not having the same experience that I'm.

Fadia, if you keep going on this stream of thought, we're going to have to switch categories to inspiration.

But when the baseline of your happiness is your health, like the bar is so much lower.

Like, oh my God, like, could I complain about a thousand things?

Yes, but like the Super Bowl is this weekend.

I'm seeing my sister on Saturday.

Like I'm going to cry.

I feel so happy and so blessed.

Like I am alive, bitch.

You don't understand what it has been like.

Like I'm alive.

No, I was sick too.

No, but not to the point where I I can't do it.

No, the sickness, like, never put me, like, fully on my back.

You know what I mean?

Where I was like, cancel my calls, call me.

Cancel the clips.

Cancel the clips.

Yeah.

I canceled my whole day yesterday.

Yeah, that's good.

No, I'm glad that you're back.

It's going to be a great week.

It's already been a great week.

We're number two.

I mean, it would have been better if we were number one, but again, like I can't complain about it.

No, Claudia.

Appreciate number two because our days are numbered.

Joe Rogan is coming back.

We'll never see this again unless like we have a major announcement.

We're gonna have to be super creative.

But by the way, our days are numbered.

Our days are fucking numbered, first of all.

And second of all, like, I really feel like Joe Rogan should move to health.

Like, he's always talking about like carnivore diets and shit.

Like,

he is.

He's also a comedian, and he has on so many comedians.

Yeah, but he has on a lot of doctors too.

I'm just, I'm putting it out there.

I think for the sake of the podcast ecosystem, like, Joe Rogan needs to excuse himself from this category.

For the sake of society, people's minds, like, heads would fall off if he was in the health category and they couldn't chalk up what he says to comedy oh it's so true and there would be like protests in the street who am i who am i to you know invalidate another comics identity it's true but maybe like his health episodes could go to the health category maybe it should be like that no but joe rookin can do whatever he wants So true.

Joe Rokin invented Rokin invented podcasting.

So true.

So put Huberman in the health episodes.

You know, we need to start some beef with Huberman.

Like, I'm over Huberman, too.

Like, get out of the charts, bitch.

Like, who

is?

He's in the health.

Leave him alone.

Don't touch him.

He's not in comedy.

No, but actually, I.

We only go after comedians.

I weirdly like follow a Huberman health tip.

Like, I heard it a million years ago.

It was somebody regurgitating it.

I feel it was probably Lauren Bostic.

And I saw it in like a clip or an Instagram story of hers where like Huberman Diaries, whatever it's called.

Huberman Lab.

By the way, that's, there's two things I can never get the name of correctly.

Huberman's podcast and Taylor Swift's new album, The Dead Poet Society.

Like I can't.

So he basically was like, you should really not drink your coffee first thing in the morning.

And ever since I started like drinking your coffee.

Pork, Hubertman.

Porque, Huberman.

I don't know why, like, what the reasoning was, but it was just like, the first thing in your body like shouldn't be your coffee.

Like, wake up, brush your teeth, like, do things and then your coffee.

Okay, I do brush my teeth.

I'm not disgusting.

No, no, but like some people have water.

Yeah.

Or like just like do more things before you have your coffee.

That was what it was.

And so now I'm like having my coffee now, you know?

Yeah.

Huberman once said something in a clip that I saw that I thought was good advice and it seemed to make sense, like, but not that I could implement it every day, which is that like you should get out and get vitamin D sunshine before 10 a.m.

Hmm.

It's good for the circadian rhythm.

I just feel like everything Huberman says is like kind of obvious.

So every time they like take Bruno out before 10 a.m., I'm like,

Huberman loves this.

This is such a

Huber moment.

Huberman coded.

No, like, honestly, I don't want to start beef with Huberman, but like the two things we've just said, like, duh.

Like, it doesn't sound like they're like that smart.

No.

But it's about saying them and packaging them up into a clip

and repackaging them.

You know?

Yeah, no, it's all about branding.

We should have Huberman on.

I feel like he could give us Huber tips, tailored to us.

Huber tips.

You know?

Yeah.

Like Huber mantras.

Yeah.

Of course, you know, cold plunge.

Right, right, right.

Zach wants to get a cold plunge.

You definitely should.

Yeah, once I'm like in more my health and fitness era, which is really any day now, you guys.

He's around the corner.

Stay woke.

No, no.

What did you say last time?

It's over for you, bitches.

Your days are numbered?

It's not stay woke.

It's like stay.

Stay alert.

Stay alert.

Stay pressed.

Yeah.

Stay pressed.

Daddy's coming.

Daddy's coming.

She's like Bacchio.

She's Bacchio.

With my cold plunge and a goal of mine, not anytime in the immediate future because I don't have the time yet.

But I do want to start an herb garden.

I never promised you an herb garden.

Because, because here's the thing about herbs.

When you need them, you don't have them.

And when you have them, you don't need them.

And they get moldy in the fridge.

Like, I never use the herbs I buy from the store.

And when the recipe calls for an herb, I don't got it.

Let me tell you about herbs.

Like, I love the idea of you starting in herb garden, but I think maybe an easier place to start.

I saw this, I think once on like Kelty's story.

And then like Matt James got one.

They're like these.

Those let us grow.

Let us grow.

Yeah, it's like fugly, but it feels really functional.

It does.

I just feel like I have a yard and I can, maybe i'll start with i'll dabble with lettuce grow but i was also hoping i could solicit tips from people like are there accounts i should follow or books i should read because i have no i don't know where to start oh we need to talk about accounts you follow um jackie and you probably don't follow them you probably just like get served their content but you always share them with me which i can't thank you enough for um

Jackie has been served content by like this true, like true trad wife homesteading content type of account.

The names of these accounts that she sends me, the modernity and and femininity, like

so cringe.

Like modesty and femininity.

I'm getting like modest workout outfits now.

How you can go to the gym in a modest manner, which it's kind of true.

Like workout outfits have gotten to be really skimpy.

And I might want to have a modest approach sometimes.

Yeah.

Love that for you.

I could see you going to the gym in like a full

no, but the thing is they weren't even like

head to toe covered it was just like a little more modest you wouldn't even recognize and be like oh that's a modest gym goer you'd just not be like hey there's her ass but no but this is like the sourdough to modesty pipeline like that's how it starts i know but i also saw another tick tock reel about another guy whose wife now has chickens they left the city a year and a half ago and it's like oh i'm actually not original i'm just a cog in the machine once again and it's just churning out a homesteading trad wife no it's the sourdough to like making your own electricity pipeline like it starts with bread and it ends with like a full sustainable farm and what's the problem there no nothing it sounds like a wholesome life i've also recently learned that chickens don't smell

oh what about their shit

that's like bruno

that's like bruno how is bruno i can't wait to see him baby boy's trisen is doing incredibly well he's having cabbage for breakfast lunch and dinner he's here and he's beautiful.

Yeah, he's really quite special, and he's excited to see his auntie.

No, I'm so excited.

Like I said, like, there's just a lot to be looking forward to, a lot on the horizon today.

Also, speaking of what's on the horizon, something that I want to talk about is this new cruise ship.

I'm glad you brought it up.

Like, honestly, it was kind of the elephant in the room on today's podcast.

Jackie has fallen head over heels in love.

You literally need to start writing for the points, guy.

They have a whole cruise ship department.

Like, you're one of these people who's obsessed with cruise.

It's not me.

I'm being served the icon of the seas, this new Royal Caribbean.

This new Royal Caribbean cruise ship, which is the biggest cruise ship that's ever cruised.

I think it has like seven different parks.

And I just get videos of this cruise ship, and it's like, it's really impressive.

I could never go on a cruise ship in my life because I have motion sickness, so they're kind of like hitting up the wrong girl.

I'm sorry.

But if I was-if I was cruise ship curious,

I'd have booked my tickets.

I do feel like a cruise is kind of like the place for me.

Just in terms of like aesthetics, it's I love being on the ocean.

I love swimming.

I'm such a, I'm a real water sign in that sense.

I know they have like a lot of buffets, a lot of casinos, and a lot of water slides.

Like, that's me.

I feel like I would fit in perfectly on a cruise.

I have never been on one because growing up, like, it wasn't even an option for us, Jackie.

You're like, so motion sickness.

And now I feel like I might be like a little too old.

But I, I know.

No, I think you're at the right age.

I think you would love it.

Like you said, like you're in the middle of the ocean the views are unparalleled there's basketball courts there's there's theaters everything you could want oh i mean there's karaoke there's cabaret like there's so much musical theater on a cruise it's really kind of built for me and my interests i think you should go on one and now they do like the celebrity cruises and i'm sure you could even get really dancing no but like you could get paid to go on a cruise i have been offered to get paid to go on a cruise um it wasn't enough money for me like for real like this is a business not a charity and also we had been offered a little while ago, right before COVID, right before COVID, to do a toast cruise, which we thought about really, really hard.

At the end of the day, it was going to end up being really expensive, like for people to buy a ticket.

And we didn't think it was going to be like worth it for, like, it wasn't the right deal for us.

But we thought about it because, like, you know, you've made it, like, Weight Watchers, Backstreet Boys, like when you have your own cruise.

A toast cruise would be peak of living.

The toast cruise,

I can't even imagine.

I would only do the toast cruise and get my ass on a cruise ship if it's icon of the seas.

Yeah, of course.

I do want to say it is kind of weird now that I'm thinking about it.

Like, if you go on a cruise, like you literally don't swim in the ocean.

Well, hmm.

What if you like dock?

Yeah, of course.

Then you have to go to a local beach or whatever.

Yeah, you go to a local beach.

Being on a cruise is like being in the ocean for a week without once touching the water.

Kind of weird, no.

You can't just like jump off the side in a

an official capacity?

Yeah.

Not like a man overboard.

Yeah, in an official capacity no i don't think you can what's the word for fun like for

i know what you wait i know i know the word you're looking for hold on please help me recreational

recreational you can't jump off the side in a recreational fashion i don't think you can

that's a plot hole it's a it's a yeah

yeah but I think it's Royal Caribbean icon of the seas great job if you want to I wonder how many people can fit on it thousands it looks like a hundred thousand

It literally looks like 100,000 people could fit on that boat, which actually might be, it might be too many.

By the way, I feel like there's so much hype around the icon of the seas it's giving Titanic.

Well, that's also why I was thinking maybe I'm personally drawn to it.

Oh, because the Titanic was...

Do you think maybe you're having like a premonition?

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

I think Icon of the Seas, I think it's great.

I think it's going to be amazing.

And you think it's safe?

I think it's safe.

But I think like the thing that pulls me towards the Titanic is the same thing pulling me towards Icon of the Seas.

Like your girl loves a cruise ship.

Yeah, it's true.

Maybe, are you a water sign?

No.

And you know, I hate water.

I hate swimming.

Jackie, yeah, you're not like a fun person to go on vacation with in that sense.

In that sense, yeah.

If you're looking for a swim buddy, no.

Yeah, like someone to play like tissue bumpers with in the pool.

No, I will rate your handstand.

From

dry land.

Tishy Bumpers is an ashre family pool game that really needs to become more mainstream.

Yeah, but how can we vlog it underwater?

You can vlog underwater.

And also, I can't really explain the game.

Like, it needs a visual aid.

I can't remember what it is.

Right, no, there's no explaining.

It's a visual thing.

Yeah.

It's a sensory experience.

It's so much better.

That's like the new word for kids.

Like, sensory, sensory.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

What the fuck does it even mean?

Having to do with one's senses, I would imagine.

It's giving fake word.

Wow, it's giving fake word.

You know what what I mean?

No, it's giving like new age word that has 11 different meanings.

Yeah, also another one, overstimulated for kids.

It's in the same category.

Yeah, where you are over-sensoried.

Yeah.

Like, what's the difference?

Unsure.

And I just would like to know, like, back in the day, what word did they use that we now call over-stimulated?

Just like nuts?

Yeah, I think it's like words we're not allowed to use anymore.

Oh, really?

I think.

No, because overstimulated is just a temporary state of being when there were too many toys, things got too crazy.

Yeah,

in the traditional sense, but I think there are like

chronic.

There's chronic

ADD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what word are you thinking?

I don't know.

I feel like I really don't want to go down this like pipeline.

I feel like

I'm just disaster with this conversation.

I'm just, what did you say?

I feel like we're headed for disaster with this conversation.

I really felt like it was was a totally innocuous conversation.

It's just about the changing of language over time.

We do love to talk about the changing of language over time and how the internet like changes the meanings of words.

Yeah, like genocide.

Well, of course.

Manifest.

Of course.

Bully.

Of course.

Yeah, there are some that are.

Should we start a list?

We should, but they're separate lists.

We need to break out sessions because there's some that are just like overused and

under understood and like not understood yeah and it's just an exaggeration but like you could say dead like when i'm saying i'm literally dead right now i was so sick i was like no you weren't you were and also the word literally literally

means anything but exactly literally

literally you know what word i've been loving

I wonder if you could notice.

And no, it's not nefarious or elk.

And then I'll tell you what word you've been loving, even though you didn't ask.

Emblematic.

No, but that's it.

I used it this morning on a FaceTime.

No, I've been loving saying classic.

You have been loving saying that, and you couldn't be later.

No, I used it when it came up, you know, when I was in high school.

Classic Jacks.

When you were in high school?

High school.

When she was in high school.

But I'm loving it again.

I'm so glad you're having a lot of time.

Classic stuff.

You have been saying classic a lot.

What word have I been loving?

low-key

really i feel like i've like i kind of always said that okay maybe but you're saying it a lot right now even if you said it a lot back then low-key i've been saying it a lot low-key you've been saying it a lot and low-key i've been saying classic a lot that's so classic low-key

just something to worry about

We low-key have to get into the stories, unfortunately, even though I'm having so much fun with my sister and best friend.

That's classic us.

Low-key, is.

So, without further ado, to do to do, here are the fast five stories that you need to know.

And the fast five stories that you need to know are brought to you by Quince, who doesn't love the good things in life.

Even though we enjoy a little luxury, it doesn't mean that we can always afford it or want to pay that price until we discovered Quince, our go-to for luxury essentials at affordable prices.

So, Quince offers a range of high-quality items at pieces within reach, like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50, washable silk tops and dresses, organic cotton sweaters, and 14-karat gold jewelry.

The best part is that all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.

We absolutely love that.

We also just love the pieces.

They're very fashion-forward, very stylish, but also very simple.

So if you're like looking to build some sort of capsule wardrobe with really good investment pieces like a cashmere sweater or the perfect pair of trousers, which are both items that I have from Quince, Quince is the perfect place to start because it's a good investment.

It's not unreasonable.

And it's made really well.

So give yourself the luxury that you deserve with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash toast for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com slash toast to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com slash toast.

Whenever I'm trying to look my best, like when Paige DeSorbo came on the toast, I wore my quince sweater.

Like I'm not fucking around, you know?

Today's episode is also brought to you by BetterHelp.

So a common misconception about relationships is that they have to be easy to be right.

Sometimes the best ones can happen when both people put in the work and make them great.

Therapy can be a place to work through those challenges that you face in all of your relationships, whether that's with friends, work, your significant other, or really anyone.

And if you've been thinking about giving therapy a start, give BetterHelp a try.

It's done entirely online.

It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

It's probably the best part.

Actually, I think the two best parts of BetterHelp is one, it being done entirely online.

Therapy is so personal and sometimes it's just really easy to talk to someone via video chat or phone call or even text, whatever sort of medium you're most comfortable with.

BetterHelp can accommodate.

Also, I think a great part of BetterHelp is like it's really common when starting therapy to not feel like your first, second, or even third therapist is like a match for you.

And with BetterHelp, they make it super easy.

It's not a problem to switch therapists at any time.

So it's not awkward.

You don't have to go through like the awkward, you know, stages of changing the therapist.

It's really great, and they don't charge you for that either.

So become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not.

Visit betterhelp.com/slash toast today to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash toast.

It's not too late to start a resolution, so let therapy be yours.

Thank you, fa-la-la-la-la.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Watch your tone when talking to me.

Today's episode is also brought to you by ExpressVPN.

Have you ever gotten undressed only to realize you were in front of an open window?

How did that make you feel?

Exposed?

vulnerable?

Well, going online without ExpressVPN is like being naked in front of floor-to-ceiling windows.

There are creepers out there who can see records of everything you do online, even in so-called private browsing mode.

So next time you go online in private browsing mode or incognito mode, look at the fine print.

You'll see that your browsing activity is actually visible to a ton of people like your internet provider, your school, or even your employer.

That's because when you use the Wi-Fi at work, at a hotel, Airbnb, or even at home, the owners of that Wi-Fi can see everything that you're up to.

So imagine all the people getting a list of everything you've ever clicked on, which is kind of worse than being naked in front of an open window, isn't it?

That's why we never go online without ExpressVPN.

ExpressVPN is an app that sends 100% of your traffic through their encrypted servers so that our browsing history cannot be seen by anyone.

It's a super incognito mode that actually works.

Plus, ExpressVPN works on all of our devices.

We can use our phone, TV, iPad, or computer to browse, shop, watch, or download whatever we want without the world knowing it.

It's really important to use safe internet practices, and being just an informed internet user is also really important.

ExpressVPN ExpressVPN is just a smart, easy thing that you can do to make sure you're protected from top to bottom.

Make sure you protect your online activity with the VPN that we trust to keep us private.

Visit expressvpn.com slash the toast today.

That's exp r e s v pn.com slash the toast to get an extra three months free.

Expressvpn.com slash the toast.

Thank you.

Again, you're welcome.

Our first story, big, sad royal news.

When I climb into bed, I start feeling sad because King Charles's prognosis is not very bad.

His prognosis is good.

They've caught the cancer early.

Yesterday, the palace announced that Charles had been diagnosed with an unspecified form of cancer while undergoing a procedure for benign prostate enlargement last month.

So we knew that he was going in for his prostate procedure.

They found a cancer during that time.

The palace is saying that prognosis is good.

They caught it very, very early.

But of course, this is cause for concern.

Prince Harry has run back to the UK to be alongside his father at this time.

So crazy, by the way.

I just like, we're used to Queen Elizabeth, who, you know, didn't so much as fart during her entire reign.

It was just, she kept getting older and older, and everybody was so concerned.

And she just kept doing more and more.

And then even when she died, she like wasn't even dramatic about it.

It wasn't like an illness.

Like, she just died.

Yeah.

She passed away.

Yeah.

So like peacefully, I assume, and just like low-key of her.

Very.

Classic her.

So, this was just like new for me.

When I saw it, I was like, oh my God, he's going to die.

But, like, he's not.

He's not.

But, like, in my mind, I'm like, that it like would be how this story ends.

Right.

He waits his whole fucking life to be king.

He wants it.

It's not like he's one of these monarchs who doesn't want it.

Like, he desperately wants it.

And he gets it.

And he dies.

Yeah, it is very biblical in a sense, if it were to go that way.

But I think that he will be fine.

As they said, they caught it very early.

And I'm sure he has routine checks all the time.

Yeah.

So they would have caught it early.

And he has the best care in the world.

And I do think that he will be okay.

But it's just, you know, something to note and something that he has to share with the people because he's a public figure.

It is hard with that level of health care to be like caught off guard with like a cancer stage three.

Like when you have that sort of like around the clock top tier medical healthcare, like they're going to find whatever is coming super, super early.

It's like an enormous privilege of being a a royal.

Yeah.

Which is why there aren't royals who get like one day diagnosed with stage four cancer and die in a month, you know?

That like doesn't happen now.

Now

so this is crazy.

I also feel like as a royal, do you have to share?

Like he said he was sharing it because, you know, this is like a thing for men, like get checked, same with like women.

The prostate with breast cancer, right?

Like it's a it's almost like a social movement to share these types of things to encourage other men not to forget to go get checked.

And it's like awkward because it's like in your butt, huh?

But like you should.

Yeah.

So they said that he was sharing it for this particular reason, but do you, do you have to?

Do you have to share about the prostate?

Do you have to share any sort of medical updates with the public?

I don't know what the contract is, if there is one, but I do think you have to share cancer.

Right, right, right.

Because also if that like got out and he didn't share it, it would cause a ruckus.

More so that if people found out and they felt that the palace was hiding it, they would think it was worse than it was.

So getting ahead of it probably is just best policy.

For sure, for sure.

Okay, okay.

Well, it sounds like it's going to be okay.

Yeah, but this has kind of been a tough time for the Royals.

Like whatever Kate is going through is not unserious.

No, and I also fell into a TikTok rabbit hole conspiracy theory that Kate Middleton has been in a coma.

Caused by?

I don't know.

It wasn't convincing.

I don't feel that, but I do feel like there is more.

There is more to the story because they didn't tell us that much of the story.

But yeah, taking taking off as much time as she's taking off like that's that's no small thing it's not so and also as we've discussed like Charles pared down the family in recent years to just these core members and then between Harry and Megan leaving Queenie passing away Philip passing away Kate is out of commission for a few months there aren't that many working royal family members right now and there's kind of a gap I've seen that Princess Anne has stepped up and she's a queen in her own right.

They're dropping like flies.

Yeah.

And I feel like, you know, that George is going to get put to work soon.

He's all, he's getting old.

Yeah, it's time he earns his keep.

No, it's so true.

It's like, it's been fun, George.

Get to work.

No, he's really little, but I do think maybe some of the cousins also Andrew's out.

Right, right.

Maybe Eugenie and Beatrice will

start showing up places.

But it's actually really crazy.

There's not that many working royals right now.

Damn.

We got to get some subs in.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Like some of the scrubs.

And maybe that that podcasting rugby player can go cut a ribbon.

And the wife.

And the wife and the kids, they always show up.

And they're like the good family members that like always come to the party, always have a good time.

You can always count on them.

And they're not like the weird cousins.

Like they're cool and normal.

You don't keep in touch with them all the time, but they do their job and like we see each other.

No, and every time they show up, you're like, we should see them more.

Yeah.

So true.

But then like you don't.

No, because life gets in the way.

And he has his podcast and his rugby and his mom and his friends yeah is there something wrong with that

so i think it's time for them and now harry's back what do you think about that well i think it's interesting he

flew commercial because they said he ran to lax i guess that you actually can fly private out of lax but like if you're gonna fly private like you just do it out of the local private airport where you live and i feel like as a solo traveler he can fly commercial like when it's all family he's more inclined to get a plane but yeah he can just catch a flight also like the news i wonder if he he found out like with everyone like what is the level of communicato i feel like he found out with everyone because he would have left sooner right right no and he was definitely kept more in the loop when elizabeth was alive yeah

but i feel like him and charles and harry like i mean charles and william and harry like have a really really bad relationship nobody speaks to one another Yeah, so I wouldn't be surprised if he, but if he found out via the public, would you still fly home for that?

Like, that's a huge slap in the face.

it's it but the cancer trumps

true

you know and if you want to be there for someone and these are the times when like you kind of put things to the side and you just remember that you're a family you also have to put aside this this latest snub

true so i hope that king charles will be okay cavalier spaniel me too no i and this is tough you know coming off the heels of the crown which was very complimentary i feel like a lot of people are feeling myself included very favorable towards him.

Warm.

I feel warm.

I feel warm too.

And he's like, yeah, he's a thirsty, like desperate loser, but he's,

but he's our thirsty, desperate loser.

And he means well.

Like, he does.

He really does.

And I do feel like.

But he's just doing his best, you know?

Like Diana's death, like really, really gave him like the world's worst reputation on the planet.

And there were so many people and like legitimate theories that he was involved and he was this bad guy.

And I feel like the crown like really cleared up how like deeply unfactual that was.

Yeah.

And I feel for him.

And nobody's perfect.

You know, he's just a loser.

Like, he's not a bad person.

He's just a loser.

Yeah.

And he's had a bad rap now for 30 years.

And like, now

it's his time.

And he should be able to enjoy this season of his life.

No, and it's like everything was finally coming up, Charles.

Cancer.

Imagine how he feels.

After 75 years.

Imagine how he feels.

Things were coming up, Charles.

Yeah.

Everything, this man, it's like everything in his life is delayed.

Like, he can't get arrested.

I know, but he also, like, was born into extreme privilege and,

you know, never knows a day's struggle.

So, yeah, everyone's journey is different.

Everyone has their own battle.

No, it's like, would you rather have cancer?

Would you rather be a prince?

Like, for real.

That's like, I feel like the age-old question.

But plenty of people aren't princes and get cancer.

So true.

So true.

So we'll, we'll keep you posted as we know more about Charles and Harry and the reunion.

And do you think Charles will see him?

Who knows?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because like I said, this is the sort of thing that just kind of makes everything, blurs the edges.

Yeah.

Oh, what was that thing you did and you said in your documentary?

I can't remember.

Yeah, I'm too sick to care.

But also, like,

this could be the start.

Like, maybe this is the beginning.

of the future, you know?

But what does the future look like, Harry and Megan coming back?

No, no, but like true.

Actually, I feel like maybe they should go back.

I don't even know.

I was thinking that I don't know.

Oh, because I was reading about the inheritance from Harry and William, because there was this like theory that Harry is actually wealthier than William.

Cause I guess like the queen mother, it's not true.

The queen mother gifted Harry, like bequeathed more to Harry than she did to William because she knew that when Queen Elizabeth died, William would inherit a dukey that's worth like a billion dollars, which he has.

I'm sorry, what's a dukie?

Because it sounds like something you put in the toilet.

I don't know.

Duchy?

Is it a duchy?

D-U-C-H-Y.

Is it a dog?

What is it?

It's an estate.

I don't know.

It's a thing.

Oh, it's a piece of property.

No, no, no.

I don't know that.

Let me Google it.

When I said dookie, I said it with a

territory.

Jackie, a dookie is a poop.

In the U.S.

Yeah.

Yeah, because we're disgusting.

It's the territory of a duke or a duchess.

What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah, exactly.

That's why I said it without further clarity.

You're saying Queen Elizabeth dropped a dookie on Prince William?

A $1 billion dokey.

Wow, that must have been some dookie.

So yes, Harry got more like from the queen mother because like they knew that this was coming for William.

But I do feel like Harry and Megan,

you know, funds will begin to dwindle.

They can't live like this without another big influx of cash forever.

I don't know.

They've had like a bunch of influxes.

Also, Diana left Harry some something substantial.

Right.

The Dookie or whatever it's called, the other, the anti-dookie,

the big Netflix deal, the big Spotify deal, the big Disney deal.

It's enough for a while.

But not forever.

The books?

Right.

Not forever.

Not forever.

Not at the level,

you know,

over society, travel.

Yeah, for sure.

But in this current moment, I think they're fine.

But they do need some sort of

plan.

They need a plan.

Yeah.

So barring, you know, another media company giving them a payday, like maybe it's time to go home to daddy.

I don't know.

No, it's not an option.

I don't think they would have them.

Yeah, me neither.

And I don't think Harry and Megan would ever go with their, like, and that would just be admitting like they were wrong.

No, it would never happen.

Stop it.

No.

Silly girls, stop it.

Are you ready for our next story?

And by the way, since we're saying it would never happen, watch it happens.

I mean, we are always wrong.

That's classic us.

Low-key, it is.

Taylor Swift shares the track list for her new album, The Tortured Poets Department, featuring collabs with Post Malone and Florence and the Machine.

So we're going to go through the track list for TPD.

I want to say somebody leaked this on TikTok.

I saw it yesterday, and I was like, it's definitely not true.

But then literally what they had said was that Florence and the Machine, Post Malone, and they had the names of the songs.

Now it needs to tighten up a little bit, you know?

Yeah, she actually does a pretty good job.

Nobody saw this coming.

I also feel like these days, like, she doesn't give a shit anymore.

Like, I feel like she used to be so serious about locking everything down, and now it's just like, whatever.

It's not that serious.

It's not that serious.

Yeah.

Now, I love when people, like, with really highly anticipated albums, release the track list because it allows us to play my absolute favorite game, guessing what the songs sound like.

Right, which is what we're going to do.

Starting with side A, song one, Fortnite, featuring Post Malone.

It was a fortnight, Fortnite, Fortnite.

It was a fortnight, Fortnite, Fortnite.

What did you think?

I didn't feel strongly about that one.

I didn't.

That's not the vibe I was thinking, but now you're.

It's hard for me to like influence, like, think of Post Malone's influence and Taylor Swift.

They're kind of polar opposites.

I had something in my head, but like, now I kind of lost it.

No, come on.

No, no, no.

Find it.

No, it's gone.

Now I think Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite.

It's giving single soon.

Next, The Tortured Poets Department.

This is the big one, Dirty.

What do you think it is?

I actually can't come up with a song because I'll sing The Dead Poets Society.

I'm singing the same melody.

You're singing the same melody.

Okay, what's it called?

The tortoise.

I cannot recall the name of this album, like for the life of me.

The tortured poets society.

Department.

Okay.

I feel like it's going to be like the tortured poets department.

Yeah.

We go down to my apartment.

Yeah.

You write love songs.

You're fucking me up.

Stop.

What do you mean I'm providing beats?

Love songs for everyone.

Something like that.

Like something really dark and posted.

I actually think it's going to be tongue-in-cheek, like that song, The Moon is High.

Oh, paper rings.

And it's going to be like,

Subtle Knife, Tortured Poets Department, that you think you're tortured poet.

Got it.

That's what I think.

Oh, so do you think that the tortured poets department is like her making fun of Joe or calling herself like in a serious way?

Because I kind of love it being a dig at Joe.

I kind of think it would be both.

Because he does take himself so seriously, it's like, calm down.

No, no, no.

Like, he's like, she'll find a way to make it like, oh, you're a tortured poet.

Like, you've never written a line of poetry in your life.

And this is me.

This is what it's actually like to be a tortured poet.

Yeah, hold my pen.

Hold my quill.

Literally.

Don't you think that's what it's going to be?

I mean, I hope that it is.

I think that's brilliant.

It's like a country song where it's like twists.

It's like inverse.

Fricker, fricker, reverse Uno.

It's giving before he cheats.

It's giving reverse Uno.

Yeah.

Love.

Next.

My boy only breaks his favorite toys.

My boy only breaks his favorite toys.

Love.

I was thinking, my boy, my boy, my boy only breaks his favorite toys.

My boy.

Even though Taylor Taylor doesn't like really sample, but I could see her doing that.

And like maybe

Joe Alwin saw the movie My Girl when he was a young boy and like wanted to be an actor because of it, you know?

Something dumb like that.

Down bad.

You've been down bad.

Oh, why does it feel so?

Jackie, you're just using old Taylor songs.

I'm having fun.

Oh, okay.

So true, I need to calm down.

It's not that to you.

Maybe she'll sample thyself.

Okay, what was down bad?

We were down bad, down bad.

No, I don't like that one.

Hold on.

You were down bad, I was so sad.

You made me so mad, so I left you, lad.

When I climb into bed, I start feeling sad.

That you've been down bad, down bad.

Wait, no, no, no, I got it, I got it.

When I climb into bed, I start feeling sad.

Suddenly I miss my mom and my dad.

I'm down bad.

I'm down bad.

Love.

Slay.

Okay, now for side B.

So Long London.

So long

London, yeah.

I miss your cobblestone streets and your Louis Vuitton and your high tea on Camden Street at noon.

If that's not the song, throw it in the garbage.

Garbage.

Next, but daddy, I love him.

This is going to be actually like Lana Delray energy because the title is so Lana Delray.

But Daddy, I love

him

so.

I sound like Annie Lennox.

Artists for Ceasefire.

Artists for Ceasefire.

I did, I did.

Next song.

Like, Annie Lennox doesn't even know the enemies she's made.

Like, I am obsessed with making fun of her.

Slay all day.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

What's the next one?

Fresh Out the Slammer.

This is so, like, on Taylor, the Slammer.

I can't even, like, think.

Maybe it rhymes with Hammer.

Fresh Out the Slammer.

My man was Jeffrey Demmer.

Love it.

I love it.

That's it.

We're turning Taylor like into a rapper, but whatever.

No, no, no, that's good.

Fresh out the slammer.

My man was Jeffrey Demmer.

He killed me with a hammer.

The more I went out, it only made him madder.

Because he was like always keeping her locked up in that house.

And that made me sadder.

But now I'm

free.

Look at me.

I love to go out to eat with my man Travis.

Photos everywhere.

You don't know, because you're a square.

Ooh, it's giving square.

It's giving distract.

Love.

We are obviously like influenced by the Meghan the Stallion, Nicki Minaj beef.

That's why, like,

I can't wait to play these back when we have the album, see how absolutely wrong we were.

Sometimes I really feel like I nail it.

Like, I don't think I've gotten a single one right.

No, but the thing about this exercise is that it makes the song stuck in my head.

That way, like, wine by Adele is always going to be, I love wine, wine, wine, wine, wine.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, next song, the Florence and the Machine song is called Florida with Three Exclamation Points.

What?

You have to think about Florence in the Machine, like,

oh, yeah.

Florida, Florida, Florida, Florida, who, whoa, you know, that's a really crazy title for a song.

I don't know how this is going to make sense.

Like, why the three exclamation points?

Has Taylor Swift ever been to Florida?

No, literally.

This one, actually, like, it's drawing blank.

Yeah.

I look forward to actually unsolving that or solving that mystery.

Next one.

Guilty as sin.

Question mark.

Was I.

Wait, hold on.

Did you win or am I guilty as sin?

Question mark.

Good.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Next, who's afraid of little old me?

Question mark.

Man, this bitch loves punctuation.

Okay.

Who's afraid of little old me?

Yeah.

It's giving like nursery rhyme.

Who's afraid of little old me?

Little old me.

Wait, I kind of like that.

No, no, what you were doing before, like,

who's afraid?

Little?

No, no, no.

Like, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, like,

who's afraid?

Little old me?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

who's afraid?

I'm little old me.

Little old me.

Drop the beat.

And that's the song is London Bridges.

So, like, that could be the sample.

And because London Bridges are falling down, things are over with Joe.

Love.

Next, I can fix him.

Parentheses.

No, really, I can.

I can fix him.

I will

try

to fix him.

Oh, that's good.

No, really, I can.

Love.

Next one, Llamel, Love of My Life.

It's giving all lowercase Ariana Grande.

That's the one that's going to be like, Llamel, come light me up.

No, it's going to be, you're right, like breathy, like, love of my life.

I was your

wife.

Yeah.

Until you took a knife right to my chest.

Claudia, I think we should write music together.

Jackie,

I actually do think we should.

The songs are pouring out of us.

Listen to the sidebars.

Love of my life.

I was your wife.

Gave you my.

What'd you say?

Oh, you took a

knife.

Straight.

Started all up.

Are we Pasic and Paul?

No, no.

They're like theater queens.

We're like, who's like a emo?

We're literally like Fleetwood and Mac.

Fleetwood and Mac shop Mac.

Like we couldn't write a Broadway production.

Like that's a whole other skill.

Claudia.

I think that could be.

No, we totally could.

I actually think that would even come easier.

Why are we underselling ourselves?

Like we could, we could do anything.

We could do anything.

If we wanted to, like, actually, we committed, like, we could run a marathon.

Yeah, but I do think if we committed to it and we had some sort of producer, we could be a singing-songwriting songwriting duo.

I do think the producer is like of utmost importance.

They just have to like hit record on the Roadcaster, but look, we have the equipment.

We have the talent.

We do have the equipment.

We have the talent.

Let's do it.

I'm so down.

I mean.

Okay, then side D, I'm just going to go through it.

I could do it with a broken heart, the smallest man who ever lived.

Yikes, that stings.

Okay.

So I'm Joe Alwyn.

I see the track list and I see there's a song called The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived.

I kill myself.

Like,

that's tough.

That is tough.

He's not like super tall or broad in a physical sense.

So like that's, you know, and then like, of course, the Travis comparisons were already painful.

But then he's small in like a personality sense.

He's obviously threatened by this, you know, successful woman.

Like that is a tough pill to swallow.

Then the alchemy, Claribo.

And the Claribo is a very famous old Hollywood starlet who was like driven to madness and they were obsessed with like her and her personal life and her relationship.

She eventually like retired after she found a decent man, but I think it's like a, you know, drawing comparisons.

Got it.

I was thinking of Clarabelle, Goofy's wife.

No, you know Taylor's obsessed with like mad women of history.

Yeah, that's giving Rebecca in American Dynasty.

What was her last name?

Rebecca.

Rebecca.

And then bonus track the manuscript.

So here's my question.

Is this a breakup album or like like Joe Alwyn diss tracks?

So I feel like it's, what was her name?

Rebecca.

I feel like it's going to take

us through the journey.

Rebecca Harkness.

Harkness.

Oh, that's not in the song.

No, no, no, it's not.

It's inside baseball.

I don't know because I feel like.

It could be both Joe Alwyn and Breakup and dissing.

It could, it could.

But is it sad or mad?

People online are predicting it to be like the anti-lover.

And also, there's like a lot of comparisons between some of the imagery from Lover and the imagery from this upcoming album.

Because Lover was for him.

And she does kind of have to undo Lover before she can artistically move on to the next phase.

Because it's like, how could that guy who was in Lover be all those things and not be the one for you?

Yeah.

And there's also a song.

Read the titles one more time.

That sounds like the opposite.

I love you.

Ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

Ooh.

Let me see if I can get a rebuttal.

I forget.

People had pointed that out online, which I thought was really smart.

Okay.

Fortnite.

Tortured Poets Department.

My boy only breaks his favorite toys.

Down bad.

So long London.

But daddy, I love him.

Fresh out the slammer.

Florida.

Guilty of sin.

Who's afraid of little old me?

I can fix him.

No, really, I can.

I can do it with a broken heart.

Maybe that.

The smallest man who ever lived.

Alchemy, Claribo.

I don't know, never mind.

Those things don't sound so powerful when they're off TikTok, huh?

So true.

Alchemy is like one of those words I refuse to learn the definition of.

Yeah, and it's like, that would have been like the name of an album for her, you know, where it's just like a strong word.

Oh, by the way, we do need to talk about how like this is the first album that's not one word.

Now, 19 to 89 is not one word either, but like visually it's four digits.

Yeah, I think folklore, Evermore, Reputation, Midnights.

You get into like a pigeonhole, and I think the best way to get out of it is just to break free from it.

Yeah.

And that's why I think I'm having a hard time recalling the name of the Dead Poet Society.

No, it's a lot.

TPD.

That's mine.

TPD.

TBD on TPT.

Are you ready for our next story since it's only number three and we absolutely have to move up with our day?

Are you ready?

Or you think like we're good?

You know what?

I'm not ready.

And I'm really glad that you mentioned that because I need to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by Dreamland Baby.

I have been on the show proselytizing about Dreamland Baby here on my Instagram Instagram for months now.

And it is time that you get on board because Dreamland Baby is the best sleep product.

They have the Dreamland Baby sleep sack, which is a weighted sleep sack.

We just upgraded Bittersweet to the sleep sack, but before that, we were using the swaddle sack.

So you can swaddle baby's arms inside the sack.

It's super cozy.

And the top of the sack is a little weighted, which provides for the baby what a weighted blanket provides for a grown person, which is anti-anxiety, helps you fall asleep, chiller, calmer, all of these things that promote better sleep, which is so important for a functioning mama.

So I want to let you know that if you go to dreamlandbabyco.com and enter our code Toast at checkout, you will receive 20% off site-wide and free shipping.

This offer is for new and existing customers.

Again, you guys, Dreamland Baby, if you're looking for sleep sacks and you need sleep solutions, Dreamland Bebe.

Now, a lot of people are saying Jackie O has been like in a really sort of

high recently on the podcast.

They're saying she's like her best version yet.

I think a lot of that has to do with the restorative sleep you have found thanks to the Dreamland Baby.

Is that correct?

Yes.

You know, Charl, like it all comes together and you can't like work on getting baby in the crib.

At least I couldn't without great sleep solutions, sleep sack.

It's, it's everything.

It's all layered.

And this is one tool in our toolkit that is so important for great sleep.

Now, do you have anything else to say?

I have one other thing to say, if I may, if Turdy will allow me the floor.

Is Turdi allowing me the floor?

I need a verbal commitment.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Today's episode is also brought to you by Armra.

Y'all, I love Armra.

It's bovine colostrum.

You're probably like, Jax, what's that?

It's colostrum from cows.

And if you don't know what colostrum is, then, you know, you've...

It's, it's an education.

But pretty much, it's, I know it before I've been a nursing mama.

It's the first milk that comes when you give birth.

And it's the most nutrient-packed.

It's It's everything baby needs in its first days of life.

It has everything in its in tiny amounts.

And so Armra sources cow colostrum mixes it up for you and it is so, so great.

I've been using Armra for months now and things are going well for me.

I don't want to jinx anything, but like, so

I feel well.

It's one of the few wellness things that I do that I feel like I don't have to do all the other things.

What I also like about it is that you can use two scoops or three scoops.

Sometimes I like, I forgot to bring it to Utah.

And when I came came back i was like i'm on the three scoop grind heavy load yeah you can like make up for lost time a little bit because it is like a bioactive ingredient so you can add more to it if you miss a few days just double up And we've worked out a special offer for our audience.

Receive 15% off your first order.

Go to tryarmra.com slash toast or enter toast to get 15% off your first order.

That's T-R-Y-A-R-M-R-A dot com slash toast.

They have a bunch of different flavors.

I use the no flavor one, but I don't know.

I'm kind of feeling like I should go to to a flavor soon.

Do something crazy, right?

Switch it up.

Thank you for sharing, Jackie.

Thank you, Law.

Are you ready for our next story?

I am.

Even though I'm like, Loki's sweating.

I just was feeling like I can't talk anymore.

Oh, really?

I'm not feeling that.

I feel like my jaw hurts.

Oh, my God.

Okay, complainer.

You need workers comp?

Like, what's going on?

No, maybe it was just like doing the ads going right into the story because typically that's why we divvy up.

Oh, yeah.

No, by the way, that I feel.

Like my jaw.

When you went like on maternity leave and like, I had to do like everything on this show, like with the co-host just sitting there.

This is how I feel on an episode of the Redheads.

The way I'll be in the middle of a Redheads episode and like, I feel like I'm running a marathon.

But the thing is, like, like we just said, we could if we wanted to.

It's a verbal marathon.

How long?

What are we at?

Just curious.

I don't know.

59?

Oh, we've already been gone for an hour.

I feel like that's why I'm feeling a little winded.

I am on steroids, which make me sweat so much.

I woke up three times in the night, hyper, like deep, deep sweats.

I'm experiencing like a little bit of sweaty fever right now.

Not a fever.

I mean like a sweat session right now.

But I won't let it deter me from feeling grateful about my health.

Speaking of.

She coughed on it.

Yeah, no, I'll continue.

But I just want to like say there's a reason why I feel like so drape.

Yeah.

Chat it out.

Ad break.

Hour long.

We're not even on story three.

So let's get into it.

Oh my god.

Okay.

And also the last three episodes, they deserve our time in last three stories.

Not this one, but the next one.

Okay.

Next two.

Justin Bieber performs at

he performed this weekend for the first time in forever.

For the first time in forever, Justin Bieber performed at the NHL.

So just remember,

I had a dream

about Haley Bieber and Justin Bieber.

Like, I'm a freak.

I was in their house.

It was so nice.

Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, and there was like something wrong with their charger and they like used my charger.

I'm like the biggest loser on the planet.

Like that's what I dream about.

Your charger wasn't charging on their iPad, so it got used to it.

Exactly.

Because it had gotten used to yours instead of mine.

He played at an event following the NHL all-star draft, which is a big deal because he hadn't performed in a while.

He was having health issues and now he's back.

It was an intimate event, but he's, you know, in performing mode form.

And a lot of people think that he might come out with Usher.

I don't know why people think that, but they're like friends.

Oh, because Usher like invented him.

Yeah.

Oh, I would love that.

I would too, but like Usher should have his own moment.

I'm not not like a big fan of people.

Like I love people bringing people out.

However, if it were me, like I wouldn't.

No, but I could see Usher

being that sort of uplifting, gregarious guy.

Me too, me too.

And so, you know, I think this only fueled that sort of conspiracy.

It was like practice.

There was a lot of like pussy popping at the NHL honors, whatever it's called.

Oh, it's her weekend.

Yeah.

Tate McRae performed.

Yeah, and like her ex plays.

Her ex plays, but she was there with her new man, who is the kid Leroy.

Oh, that is

random.

A match made in young music heaven.

And like, what a sleigh to, like, show up at your ex-boyfriend's, like, big weekend, be the star, and then leave with your new man.

Like, it's, it's a serve.

No, and I also feel like the odds of her performing at the NHL are pretty slim.

So she probably went out of her way to perform at the NHL just to stunt on her old man.

And, like, you look at Tama Cray, you see, like, a beautiful woman for sure.

When you see her perform, like, she puts her whole pussy in that performance.

And it's really,

definitely going to make someone jealous.

No, it's a sleigh.

It's a slee.

Sleigh all day.

All day.

But I'm happy for Justin.

I hope that he gets back out there.

He's such a talent, you know.

People forget.

I was actually, I was getting my nails done.

Yeah, I got a manicure.

Okay, humble brag, low-key.

And a pedicure.

Classic.

And they played great music.

And they were playing that song, you,

you're the only

one song I'd ever love.

I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you.

That song is so amazing.

And if I were Haley Bieber, I would wake up every morning and play that song and be like, this song is about me.

I'm the queen.

No, and before he'd cut his tour short, he would like play it and there would be pictures of her all over the arena.

It was the sweetest thing.

That's like one of those songs where it's like, someone wrote this song.

It's about someone.

It's a right, like a love.

That's, I kind of, I don't know why I associate it also with like that John Legend song that everyone

oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's like you can't believe this song was like written out of true emotion, not just like for the sake of writing a song.

Right.

Like Chrissy Teigen that must have immense like self-confidence.

That song that's like the greatest love song in a number of years is about her.

No, it's so complimentary.

Yeah.

Also,

with Justin Bieber, I feel like it's, he's just one of those

talents who has a really hard time, I think, going on tour, which I think is really relatable.

Like tour is like kind of like the worst thing ever, and it's like, really, not

like a way to live, you know, especially if you're like married or have a family.

So, he's kind of like, for me, like falling off the radar a little bit because that's how you stay engaged with like your fans and stuff.

So, seeing that he performed and he sounded, he's such a good singer.

I feel like, remember when he like popped off with that YouTube video?

Everybody thought it's like he's gonna go through puberty and his voice is gonna drop, and he's not gonna.

He's like, literally, such a good singer.

No, he's such a good singer.

He has so many great songs.

He's, we need him back in the, in the fold, in the musical fold.

we do but he's also so wealthy yeah he doesn't need to like work no but when you're an artist you need to create yeah but you can create without putting stuff out like it's still fulfilling to like make music on your own for fun yeah but then you want to deny the world you know it's like what is this a charity rude yeah

yeah that's an expensive hobby to like make music and like in your home studio and then like not earn money from it Right.

And then you have to like pay all those songwriters and producers at a pocket.

Right.

Are you ready for our next story?

Yes.

Kind of like some crazy beef.

Okay.

Between Madison Square Garden and Neil deGrasse Tyson.

What?

Yeah.

Page six hears that there was an Ursa major blow up between Madison Square Garden and

Ursa Major.

It's like a science joke.

Major blow up.

Oh, okay.

I'm clearly too dumb for it.

Continue.

Between Madison Square Garden staffers and of all people, Dr.

Neil deGrasse Tyson over Rangers tickets this past weekend.

Excuse me?

Apparently, the famed arena offered him tickets to Monday's game, then swiftly withdrew the offer after, in a strange twist, he claimed its board was all white.

The bizarre back and forth began, Page 6 is told, when the astrophysicist asked for a handful of tickets to see the Rangers play the Colorado Avalanche.

Classic.

Classic.

Page 6 is told the Garden readily agreed to give him some seats, but couldn't provide as many as he'd asked for.

Then things began to spin off their axis.

The puns in this story.

Yeah, they need to just tell the story and shut up.

I'm getting to.

Apparently, Dr.

deGrasse Tyson

mentioned to the bafflement of MSG staff that it's Black History Month, adding that he'd noticed there are no non-white members of its board.

It seems that stunned and dismayed insiders, one of whom they're told somewhat oxymoronically, referred to him as that idio astrophysicist, swiftly voided the tickets they'd already given him.

Oh my god, now it took them all back?

Yep, sounds like it might be many moons before the good doctor can go to a a Rangers game without getting an icy reception.

Dr.

Neil deGrasse Tyson did not respond to a request for comment.

A rep for MSG told Page 6, quote, Mr.

Tyson is incorrect.

We have several diverse members on our boards.

Oh, well, if he made a whole thing about not having any members, but there actually are members of color on the board, that's not a good look.

Now,

this is tough because Neil deGrasse Tyson is a really well-respected, and Neil deGrasse Tyson has kind of done the impossible of like being famous for decades, and I don't think ever once having a scandal, like for real.

I'm sure if I Google it, something would come up.

I mean, if you look hard enough, he's human, but still, you know what I mean?

Like, nothing comes to mind.

Yeah.

Scandal.

Don't look it up.

Let's not degrace the great Neil deGrace Tyson, okay?

She's looking it up.

There was sexual misconduct allegations and an investigation, but

I don't even know.

Like, I shouldn't have even opened it.

You're right.

I shouldn't have.

Yeah.

Because now I need to like read and like, you know, if that's what he did, then that's really bad.

But if it's not what he did, then that's really bad, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

That's so that's why I literally said don't look it up.

No, you're right.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Curiosity killed the cat.

The thing is, like, it is Black History Month.

So I'm going to give Neil deGrasse a pass out here.

Anil de Pass.

Anil de Passe.

His name is like so easy to like make puns with.

That's because there are so many names associated.

Right.

So I'm going to give Neil de Grasse.

Dr.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I mean, deGrasse?

I'm going to give Neil deGrasse Tyson a pass because it's Black History Month.

Do you think he should have gotten more tickets?

I need to know how many tickets he wanted and how many tickets he wanted.

Yeah.

Like, or did he want 20 and they gave him 10?

Like, yeah, the thing is, and by the way, I love getting free tickets.

It's like a huge perk of my job being a touring comic.

And you have to be like low-key.

The word is ichaza and yinnish.

You can't be a chaza when you're asking for free stuff.

Like a piggish.

Like, you have to, you know, you ask because you want something, but like, you take what you get and you don't get upset so if you wanted four and they gave you two you kind of have to just be like okay i'm going to people the most i have ever asked for is four like it's always you know me and ben and then two other people or the four sisters like when we went to ariana grande um

it's an art asking for free things and neither gas tyson is much much much more famous than me so he has like more leeway he could ask for six i feel like oh you think yeah so how many do you think he asked for and how many do you think he was given i don't know but also like right now, it's not a particularly hot time for hockey.

Like, I don't think it's like the playoffs or anything.

It was just the NHL All-Star.

We can't stop talking about it.

And I feel like All-Star weekend happens

in my hockey game.

I feel like All-Star Weekend happens

right around playoffs, kind of like.

You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Like, not really like the Pro Bowl and the Super Bowl happening.

The Ranger game, like, is a fabulous

outing.

Like, there's always cool people.

Hockey's like this very small.

It's not small.

No, I meant like the fan.

No, like it is small compared to like other stuff.

Like sorry, it is.

No, it's just like not on your radar.

No, I feel like it's small.

If they are selling out the same size arenas as the Knicks, literally.

Oh, factual.

Wait, factual.

Facts were spoken.

It's not like they're playing in like a rec center.

It's the actual same size garden.

No, and I just finished like a hockey porn book.

It was so good.

Actually, it was not good.

So was it good or not good?

It's hard to know if like a smut book is good.

Like the romance was good, but the plot was moronic, you know?

Got it.

I just want to say the Stanley Cup is in June, so I feel like these tickets weren't that coveted.

Yeah, I mean, Ben's going to the Rangers game tonight, so if Ben got tickets, like anyone can.

I would like, before I like, you know, put down the gavel on this one, like I need to know specific ticket numbers.

What was Mr.

Dr.

Tyson asking for?

I agree.

I need to know specific.

Was he being causer?

But I do feel like before I, like, and this might be like a a crazy thing to say, like, I do feel like bringing up Black History Month is like kind of crazy, like to get

tickets.

Yes, it is to get free tickets.

Like, I think it's like a little crazy.

Of course, it is.

And I respect Black History Month.

Like, it's an important month, but like, I feel like I don't know if that was like the right call.

No, and like,

it's a, yeah, no, it's, it's a little crazy of a thing to do.

But get your tickets, Neil.

Get your tickets.

He could always do the

sign up.

The fact that this came out is embarrassing for Neil.

You think?

Yeah.

Yeah, because he should be so above this.

It's not a good look for me.

He's a celebrity.

But as a science celebrity.

And he is in his own league of...

I don't even know who else would be in his campus.

Bill Nye.

Yeah, but to me, he's more famous and cooler than Bill Nye.

Oh, no.

To me, they are.

Exactly.

More well-respected.

More well-respected.

To me, they're actually the same.

I can't believe two people got so famous doing the same thing.

We only needed one i think of neil degrasse tyson as like weirdly like a bob ross yeah

do you know what i mean yeah

agreed he's just like so well respected and like he's like a famous person but he's also an academic like yeah no it's hard to be famous for like academia no that's if everybody right no that's what happens with like doc tv doctors like dr drew or whatever like people then say you're like a fake doctor because you went on tv but like you look he went to medical school did dr drew go to medical school Or is he PhD?

No, no, no, no.

He's doctor.

Like, Dr.

Oz.

Like, people say Dr.

Oz is a fake doctor, but like, he literally went to medical school.

Yeah, as long as he went to medical school, they're like, yeah.

Yeah.

And I think he went to like Tufts.

Nice.

I don't know why I just like fully made that up.

I don't think he went to Tufts.

I think he went to Penn.

USC.

USC, even better.

Dr.

Drew went to USC also.

Oh, what are they putting in the water at the USC medical school?

Yeah.

Because everyone there is thirsty.

Literally.

That's why they went there.

But yeah, no, Dr.

Neil deGrasse Hayson, like the thirsty look is just not a great one.

Agreed.

But I need to know ticket numbers.

I need to know something.

Yeah, we need to know facts before we like pull it.

Like, was it 20?

Was it a sweet?

I like.

Wait, because that's like $20,000.

Yeah.

Or was it six?

And they wanted to get four.

Who's right?

And that's it.

I can't imagine.

I can't imagine it was like a difference of two tickets.

tickets.

Yeah.

That's so crazy.

Okay, our fifth and final story is a conversation sparked by your best friend, Tinks.

Have you seen the drama?

About Tinks?

Tinks has drama?

Not really drama, but like, so Tinks posted a controversial opinion that people are weighing in on.

Okay, and I felt, yeah, I'm so glad you brought this up, guys.

Okay, because it's in, it's in page six.

I didn't even bring it up.

So Claudia's best friend, California influencer Tinks, Tinks, has divided opinions online after Claudia's best friend who's like a sister to her.

Claudia's new favorite sister Tinks has divided opinions online after claiming that the birthday person should pay for everyone's dinner during their special occasion.

So she remixed duetted a video of a person who said that it's unfair that he had to cover his own expensive meal during someone else's special occasion.

So Tinks then dueted that and said, if you invite a person to a restaurant of your choosing for your birthday, you should should pay for everybody.

She said, I know that is going to be deeply unpopular, but I just think that if that you can't pick a restaurant and ask people to come and celebrate you and pay for themselves.

Ting said she found it especially ridiculous that some peer groups expect the guests to split the cost of the birthday person's food too.

She said, if I invite a group of people somewhere to celebrate me, that's my treat.

I organized it.

I'm expecting them to come.

To pick an expensive restaurant and expect everybody to pay in this person's case, then get pissy when they say, I'm sorry, I can't afford that is really bad manners.

I'm so torn on this.

I really see everyone's side.

I also think it's so situation dependent.

Like, first of all, what city are you living in?

Because like, you can't go out to dinner with like five people in New York without spending $1,500.

Like, it's insane.

So I think circumstances are really important.

I do see both sides in the sense that like,

I don't know, like Tinks is right.

Like, if I'm inviting you, like, it's my responsibility to take care of you.

And I agree with that.

However, and I see the other person's side being like, why should I have to pay for your birthday dinner?

But if it's like, if I love you and it's your birthday and I want to celebrate you, like I'm happy to spend that money.

And maybe if I'm not happy to spend that money, I shouldn't be going.

Yeah, I think it's really situational dependent.

I agreed with the, what Ting said, which I don't think gets spoken enough about when the birthday person like has a birthday dinner and they expect that everyone's going to cover them.

They just kind of like sit back and they're like, oh, that's insane.

No, that's insane.

And I feel like at all stages of life, that is never acceptable.

Yet it flies and it's not okay.

But I do think that

I see it differently when we're at like an older age versus like when we were younger, we all like split the check, like we go out for everyone's birthday dinner and we all split it.

And that's fine, but we're also going to like comparable restaurants.

But like as you get older, it's like nice to do nice things for your people.

And if you are able to take care of everything, like that's the right thing to do, the best manners thing to do, but not absolutely necessary.

But I also think it depends who are you inviting to your birthday dinner?

Are these like your actual close friends or acquaintances who like don't give a damn about you?

Because if it's not don't give a damn, but like acquaintance, if it's your best, best friends, like we're splitting the bill, they would never let me pay for all the, it's a small group of people.

They would never let me take care of it.

By the way, age is such a factor.

That's such a good point because I have paid for my own birthday dinner for the last like eight years.

But there was a time like in high school or whatever, like college.

Yeah, let's all split it.

Like we're young and we're not like drinking a thousand cocktails.

It's not that expensive.

And we also, we do it for everyone's birthday.

So it actually all winds up being the same.

And in the end, we've all paid for our own birthday dinner.

By the way,

that is the truth and that is the answer.

With the same group of friends, if there's five friends and every couple of months, it's someone's birthday and we all split it, by the end of the year, if everybody throws themselves a birthday dinner, we've all technically paid for our own dinners and it's all even.

Right.

And the same could be true if you take out the birthday person, but I just like, I hate that.

I don't agree with taking out the birthday person.

No, I never have agreed with it, especially when the birthday person like set it up.

Yeah.

I don't think there's like a universal rule or take here.

It's so situational.

H, also socioeconomic status.

For some people, like spending $200 on a dinner is like not a big deal.

And for some people, it's debilitating.

Like it really just depends.

What stage of life are you at?

Did you just get laid off?

Like, it's, there's so many factors.

Yeah.

So I don't think it's one size fits all.

And I also think that if you say to someone, like, I can't swing it.

I can't come to your birthday dinner.

Like, that's really fair.

Oh, for sure.

And by the way, like, if you're at a point where like spending that amount of money, like wouldn't be great for your finances, but also like it would bother you because this isn't a person you care to celebrate, like you should be able to say no respectfully yeah same with like a wedding i feel like some people like invite people to their weddings like just to get a gift and it's like honestly if you say no to a wedding like this isn't a person i want to spend the money weddings as a guest are very expensive like and if you just like destination

any wedding like with the bridal shower gift registry like it's a lot bachelorette party maybe Right, but say you're not like a close guy.

At that level, you're just a guest.

So if you say no to someone's wedding, do you have to buy them a gift?

I think so.

It's just, I think it depends on your relationship to the person.

Unless you just don't give a damn.

There was no reason for you to have been invited to this wedding.

But see, my stance on weddings is so different than other people's because I will not go to someone's wedding.

If I go to your wedding, it's because I'm either related to you or I deeply, deeply love you.

Like I don't believe in going to the weddings just for like the sake of going to a wedding.

Even if it's like lit?

Oh, unless are there famous people there?

Those are other factors.

Her rules go.

Her scruples gone.

Yeah.

Or is it a destination wedding that I've been dying to go to that destination for?

Right, right.

but if it's a destination wedding like i don't even like you

is pretty much like i'm not going to a crappy wedding no no no

no because like i have said no to like very lovely lavish weddings but like i don't know you like it's weird okay but people just like invite me to their weddings like they do it's like a thing of mine that's nice yeah I think because it's like I'm a local celebrity.

They're like, what if we just like had like a somewhat famous person come to the wedding?

I know that for a fact.

Yeah.

I, what's something weird that's happened to me is I invited like so many people to my wedding.

Everyone came, had a ball.

Literally nobody's invited me back.

Nobody.

I got married if I had a marriage.

You got married a year before the pandemic.

Yeah.

And then

the next year, people were supposed to get married.

They had to cancel their weddings.

Then the year after that, they started planning those weddings on a much smaller scale.

Yeah.

The pandemic changed everything, but you're right.

Like, there were probably half the people who were at your wedding didn't invite you to theirs.

No, and it's crazy.

And I understand if you did like a COVID or a small wedding, like that's fine.

But plenty of people had like normal sized weddings.

And I was either like pregnant or having a baby.

So like, you know, I'm not coming, but like you invite me.

So just do the right thing.

And yeah, like Amazon, my famous person with the number two podcast.

I'm like, no, don't destad my invitation.

Don't de está.

I just think it's so crazy.

It keeps happening.

And the thing is, it's all weddings that I would not go to, but I feel like that kind of makes it worse because it's like, just throw me a bone and like act like you have manners.

No, be decent.

Yeah.

But like you came to my wedding, you danced at my party, you ate my food.

Like, invite me.

No, it's, it's really crazy.

I can't think about it for too long because I find it to be so crazy.

I think about it differently because my wedding was so long ago that, like, I'm just a different, like, if someone was at my wedding now and they didn't invite me to theirs, which I'm sure there were many people, like, it doesn't even register for me.

Like, the girl who got married when she was 12, like, is a completely different bitch now, you know?

Yeah, but I feel like now that it's my wedding anniversary is this month, how many years is it going to be?

Four.

I would say once I hit like five years, then it's like, okay, it's not tip for ten anymore we're different people but still like

hello agreed manners Emily Post where are you where is Emily Post the world needs my wedding guests need her no I know some bitches who need her desperately who

I'll saw you offline people without manners yeah I know a few disgraceful disgraceful So yeah, that's my spiel.

But the moral of the story is I wasn't going to the wedding anyway.

I just feel like it's, you know, common courtesy.

Is that the fifth and final?

Yeah, that was the fifth and final.

Tinks Making News classic of tanks.

The backs of my knees are so sweaty.

Like, this prednisone is running through me.

So, we'll leave it at that.

We'll leave it at that.

So glad to be back.

Don't forget to take your health, you know, don't take your health for granted today.

Thank you so much for listening to the Joseph Monday Morning Show where we delivered the Fast Five stories.

You know the whole gist.

Love ya.

Bye.

Love ya.

Bye.