Seventh Heaven: Thursday, January 4th, 2024

Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the toast.

Happy Thursday that feels like a Monday, but also feels like a Friday, because it's a celebración.

It's a celebration.

It is day one, episode one of season seven.

You know, wait, Jax, last year when we started season six, you made up a little jingle.

And we used to say it at the beginning of the year, it's the season of the six.

And I, that's what you said.

We need you to come up with a jingle for the season of the seven.

It's giving seventh heaven.

It's giving seventh heaven.

That's what I was thinking, except like without the pedophilia.

Yeah, without the pedophilia.

And what was the theme song of Seventh Heaven?

Did it say Seventh Heaven in it?

We'll have to go back and listen.

Seventh Heaven.

Listen, just like Barry Manilow before me, I can always come up with a great jingle.

I just need a minute.

Yeah, no, I totally put you on the spot.

I meant to text you that last night, but I fell asleep.

It's something that I'll be ruminating on as the season progresses.

Happy 2024.

Happy season seven.

Back to work.

Yes, it's a Thursday that feels like a monday though we're grateful that it's a thursday what a great way to start but doesn't it also feel like a friday because it's a celebration

of the fact that we're back yeah everyone's talking about it i know it's very exciting for everyone and us i'm so excited to be back like you know breaks are good breaks are necessary we had a great break vacation family fun in the sun etc

but

when I tell you I have so much to say like it's just been kind of building up in me like I'm a person who's born to communicate, who's born to talk shit.

And when you take that right away from me for three whole weeks, like, I'm not going to be okay.

I mean, we're doing a lot of communicating and talking shit, you know, in private over the last few weeks.

Which is so important for the soul, for the soul.

Which is also important, but you do need to get on your soapbox sometimes and reach the people.

No, and I, I do love going on break because it reminds me how much we're needed, you know?

Yeah.

And I'm excited to be back.

We've got lots to discuss, talk about ourselves.

And, you know, if you were keeping up with us on the Patreon, you obviously like know everything that went down in the last three weeks on our big family trip.

There was lots of drama, lots of, you know, infighting.

So you'll know what's going on if you're on the Patreon.

And I'm not going to repeat that.

Yeah, we did two vlogs from our vacation, a skiing day vlog, a beef stew vlog, and then we did an All Steens on Deck episode where we just talked about.

sisterly tings, but also Sacred Santa.

Yeah, there was some drama in the Secret Santa.

I'm not going to spoil it for the girlies who are on Patreon, but you should go listen to see what happened.

Spoiler alert.

We shared who everyone got and what gifts everyone got in the Sacred Santa and how it all sort of played out is what I'll say.

Spoiler alert.

Somebody fucked up big.

Yeah.

I think you guys know who and what, but we go into more detail on the Patreon.

So it was nice to be kept up with everyone there.

In terms of the main show, we've got so much to catch up on, but let's just recap our trip very quickly.

For me,

for me, it was the trip where I became a skier, and I talked a lot about that journey leading up to it, you know, on the show in December and November.

I took that ski lesson we all know about.

And let me tell you, I shredded that fucking NAR.

I shredded that fucking NAR.

That NANAR was my bitch.

I'm an amazing skier.

I went three times, I only bought one day pass, what a lift pass, whatever it's called, because I was like, I'm not gonna like this, and I just kept buying more.

It's an expensive hobby, it is.

It is a hobby that is expensive,

and

it's expensive, but I had so much fun.

There's nothing, you can't put a price on that feeling of going down the edge of a mountain.

Wind in your goggles, just living on the edge.

Yeah, no, it's like you get up to the top of the mountain and you're just filled with this sense of dread.

You're like, why the fuck did I like, why am I here?

I have a family, like, there's no reason for me to be up on this mountain.

And then you go down and that dread just dissipates and it turns into something.

It's like, it's like life.

It's, it's like.

Adrenaline.

Yeah, but adrenaline, that's what I was going to say, but it's not the right word.

It's this feeling of purpose.

It's being alive.

Alive.

But if you could put a price on it, it would be a couple thousand dollars.

No, I mean, let's talk about the price of the lift tickets.

Let's talk about the price of the clothing.

And like, if you want, like, I had bought some stuff from Amazon.

I'm like, all right, I don't need to get the most expensive everything.

So it's not even like we're wearing Montclair.

No, no, no.

And I had, like, I know where you need to invest and where you don't need to invest.

And the things that I didn't invest in, I literally had to go mid-mountain to the ski shop and spend $60 on new gloves and a new face mask because I was like, oh, I could get shitty ones.

Face, you know, a face mask is a face mask.

I can get it from Amazon.

You can't.

No, you really can't cut corners, but we actually got really amazing ski gear from Spider.

Would highly recommend.

We were looking fly as hell as we flew down the mountain.

So like, it's just a pricey hobby.

And then like, there's the apprey ski.

It's like, even if you're going hard or.

Claudia, you didn't even include the price of skis.

Oh my God.

And right, the rentals.

yeah and or you could buy your skis if you're you know insane

on who wants to be a millionaire you know like that's insane if you win the lottery you could use skis once a year like you need to own skis but then the rentals like are so pricey pricey as well but then you also you're paying for the luxury of not having to like travel with yeah yeah yeah yeah

imagine checking your skis but all that to say

worth it

I had a blast.

That's really what my major growth life update from the trip was.

You know, what was yours?

Mine was, this was my first vacation as a mama of two, and it was wild in with the nibblings, but it was so much fun, and it was just so full.

It's really the word I would use.

It was full.

Such a good word.

In every sense of the word.

Everyone.

So it was really wonderful to be with the whole family and everyone, like just, it was just a blast.

Really?

It was good.

Full.

Good old family fashion fun.

It was full filling.

Yes.

And I was very full because I ate a lot.

Oh, I ate and I ate and I ate and I ate.

And then when I was done eating, I ate some more.

Yeah, we ate a lot.

So now I'm on my Sicara Grind three-week burn program.

I posted about it.

I love that free car for three weeks.

I love that free art.

Yeah, I just really hope that I stick because you can go out of bounds a little bit, you know?

Of course.

And personalize it.

I usually supplement with a little true fruit at the end of the day, but I really want to stick to it so I can see real results.

Well, that brings up an interesting topic of resolutions.

You know, it's kind of a trope, you know, a healthy in the new year, yada, yada.

You know, Equinox doesn't accept new members on January 1st.

It's like this very controversial thing that they do.

What is your resolution?

Is that a resolution of yours?

So it's not really a resolution.

It's just January 1st is a great time and reason to reset.

And so that's what I'm doing.

Like, it's not like I'm going to be doing a three week burn for the next 52 weeks like it's just i needed to reset a refresh the holidays like as much as i try there's so much food around and it's like why deny myself this is delicious we had amazing chocolates and like sweet treats and people are always sending gift baskets i don't believe it's possible i don't believe in in restricting during the holidays like i just don't like if you send me a fire gift basket i'm going to eat it those are the rules and i don't make them and i think that's good but then you also at some point all good things must come to an end and so that's why i think it's perfect the first week of January, like, you know, it's like January 4th.

I'm getting back on my grind.

No need to be crazy on January 1st

because the holidays are as full as they are.

So I need to, you know, what goes up must come down.

Of course, of course, of course.

So this, this is just sort of.

paying penance for the destruction I did in December.

Whenever we like, you talk about holiday weight, I always just think of that.

I know you don't know it, that scene from Friends where Ross is falling down a fire escape and Joey's holding on to him.

And he's like, I'm still still carrying a little holiday weight.

It's such a good line.

And like the rhythm in which he says it.

So I am still carrying a little holiday weight.

Right.

So this is just to negate all of that goodness that happened.

And it's all, you know, sometimes self-care looks like hard work, we love to say.

And I'm in my hard work era now.

Love that for you.

My resolution is tied to something that I need to promote.

So something kind of major happened over the holiday season.

And that was that my second comedy special, Lean In, was released.

And a lot of people were really, really shocked to learn something kind of crazy about me in that special.

I

vape.

I do.

I do.

I do.

It's a huge part of my life.

It was a huge part of my comedy special.

It's probably the best part, in my opinion.

And it's at the end.

It's this crazy story that happens to me thanks to my vape.

However, my resolution, and I knew, I knew that I was going to make this my resolution, but I didn't want to say it out loud just in case I couldn't do it.

It's very hard, but I did want to.

When the clock struck 12 on December 31st,

I said, I'm done with vaping.

It's been four excruciating days.

I keep a little, I have this app.

It's called Days Since.

It's like a little habit quitting app.

It has been three days, eight hours, 18 minutes, and 33 seconds since I last vaped.

It is excruciating.

I'm almost at four days.

And you know what Taylor Schwift said?

Four days sober, I must admit.

Just because you clean don't mean you don't miss it.

She was talking about my mango stig vape, tropical mango, not iced mango.

So that part of my life is behind me now and I'm devastated.

I miss it terribly.

Is it getting easier as the days go on?

No,

because each day there's something new that like I would have vaped at.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, this is your first toast in a while where you're not sitting there crackling on your crack.

Okay, so yesterday was the first time I was on a plane and usually after a flight, like I love to sit in the Uber and just like vape so hard.

It's like a little treat for surviving the flight, you know?

Everything is a treat.

And I wasn't able to do that yesterday and it really hit me because I travel a lot and like my vape is a big part of my travel schedule.

So that was hard for me.

Then today, something new.

One of my favorite things to do is get ready in the morning, listening to music, got my coffee,

Glemming it up, FaceTiming the girlies, vaping, vaping, vaping.

Like when I tell you I was a 24-7 vapor, I was a 24-7 vapor.

Today I got ready without.

And it was like, what am I even getting ready for?

Yeah, that's kind of crazy because you didn't need to be a 24-7 vapor.

Like it it didn't need to be like this.

You could have been like a social vapor, drinking vapor.

Jackie,

I was.

That was, that's the point.

Like, that's why they say vaping is, I didn't set out to be a girl who wakes up and vapes.

Like, it was

a slow progression.

And it really, I braved COVID.

Like, I was up, you know, Saturday night Zoom party, playing quiplash.

I'm like, yeah, I'll start vaping, like, whatever.

And then it was one thing that led to another.

Next thing you know, I'm waking up in the morning, boom, need a vape.

And then it's like, I couldn't take a shit without vaping.

Like, it's just, oh, don't ask me about my shit schedule because it's all over the place well I think the craziest level of vaping that one can achieve oh I know what you're gonna say yeah

is when you wake up in the middle of the night to like you know pee or roll over and you have to hit the vape thankfully I didn't get there but I know people who have and it's the when when someone I know told me that they do that I was like oh my god you're insane but Jack

I was like slowly on my way to becoming that person yeah especially if it's like first thing in the morning hit the vape it's like okay so when does the morning start okay but the vapers vapers know like nothing hits as good as that first hit in the morning.

Like right to your head.

Well, I'm proud of you for

putting this behind you.

I know.

I'm going cold turkey.

Yeah.

I feel like you, you didn't, I mean, I'm, I support you, and I think that's really great.

I, I would have, if you asked, if you had told anyone about your plans, I would have said, don't go cold turkey.

There's no like need for it.

You could still be a casual vapor, but this is better.

Here's the thing.

I haven't experienced a party.

I haven't experienced a cocktail yet.

And I know, I mean, I have two birthday parties this weekend.

Like, I know the second that margarita hits my lips, like, I'm going to be banging down people's doors for a hit of their vape.

And I feel like that's okay.

Like, I don't need to go cold turkey.

I just wish I never took it to a place where I was like, you know, vaping during the day and vaping, you know, in between ad reads on the toast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I agree with that.

You could have a drink

and a puff.

But let me tell you, like, the nicotine addiction is a thing.

Like, I, I know everyone says it was, but, like, I just always thought like I wasn't like that girl.

But, like, I wasn't.

But I just always thought you would have, I would have assumed like you'd be addicted to the act, not necessarily the nicotine.

There is an oral fixation element where I'm always like, just, oh, these days I'm like, where is it?

But then I realize I don't have it.

But

no, nicotine addiction is real.

The first day, it's not like withdrawals, like drugs, but like the first day I

didn't vape, A few hours into the day, I was like really

like antsy,

in a foul mood, and not my usual nastiness.

Not typical turdy?

No, no, Ben was like truly afraid of me.

There's an element, there's a chemical composition.

There's something going on.

I'm fine now.

Like, I don't feel like different, but on day one, I definitely felt like something was wrong.

Got it.

Okay, well, we're proud of you.

That's a great resolution.

And then also my other resolution, which I've already begun enacting, I hope people are seeing positive change, is being more prompt in my response of text messages.

Oh, how's that going?

I think it's going well.

Like some, every few days I'll like look at my iMessages and like see if there's anything I haven't answered and try and get back to it.

But also realizing like not every text I send has to be like an overture.

Yeah.

It could just be like a yes or no.

Yeah.

Maybe it would have been nice if I said, hey, good morning.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Except, except.

I got to a place where I was like always sending like, what time?

Oh, years.

What time is it at?

And then the person would be like, Well, hello to you, too.

And that nothing makes you feel worse than being like saying something.

I would like literally text someone and be like, What time were you meeting today?

And they'd be like, I'm good.

How are you?

You know, yeah, well, that's different because you were the first texter.

The first texter always has to put in the pleasant.

Yes, yes.

And but if you're waiting on a response from me and it's just like, yes or no, are you still texting bitches?

I don't need to say good morning.

Yes, I am still texting bitches.

Now, let me ask you, are you still texting bitches?

Yes or no?

You know I am, Turdy.

Well, now you are.

Now you are.

Now I am.

Now I am prompting my response to bitches.

Two bitches.

Well, tell the bitches to be on alert.

Like, Jax is texting.

Jax is talk to texting.

She's talked to texting.

Yeah.

So my comedy special is out.

You can watch it.

Tap a link in my bio, prime video.

It's called Lean In by Turdi Ashray.

I'm just kidding.

It's Claudia Ashre, unfortunately.

And I just think that's kind of the takeaway from today's episode.

Would you agree?

Yeah, at least at this junction.

At the junction or juncture?

Junction.

Conjunction junction.

No, at this juncture.

No, that's unzan.

I think it's junction.

Junction's like a station.

And what's juncture?

We'll find out.

Junction definition.

No, like at this current juncture.

No, I think I'm right.

A point where two things are joined.

Junction, yes.

No.

Now let's see about juncture.

Juncture, I'm right.

At this current juncture.

A particular point in events or time.

Yes.

It's juncture.

A place where things join.

I think, based on what I'm reading, I feel like it could be both.

Yeah, like technically it could, but I think the one that I said is like the more popular one.

Oh, I like mine though.

Because I typed into me.

Classic me.

I typed into Google at this current junk, and I wanted to see which one came up, and only juncture came up.

Let me see.

Maybe Google's like tailoring their

results.

Yeah.

Wait, at this juncture or a junction.

Juncture is a point in time.

This is confounding.

Confounding it is.

I always use that word wrong, too.

Yeah.

But I love using words wrong.

That's just kind of our thing.

And you can't take it away from us.

You can't.

Because it's our show.

And by the time you correct us, by the time you correct us, the episode's already out.

No, by the time you correct us, like, we're on to the next day.

Like, once this episode is going to be the same.

This the next misuse of vocabulary wait update it's snowing in new york it's flurrying

and i know people are gonna be shocked to hear this theo is still dead can you believe that well he's among us if it's snowing no but can you believe he's like had the audacity to stay dead no it's insane that you came home from your trip and like he just wasn't there oh i'm so glad you brought that up because i came home from my trip i think we were all like you know a little nervous for turn eight.

No, turn eight.

It was like super sad, but me and Ben were saying, like, imagine if we came home to our apartment where we lived with Theo for five years.

This new apartment, first of all, I was so confused when I walked into my new building.

I'm like, whose house is this?

Like, I have literally lived in the apartment for the same amount of time we went on a trip.

Like, I feel, and I have no furniture.

And I'm just like, where the hell am I?

It was so weird.

But I think it's better actually to come home to this like foreign land.

Like, I don't look around the apartment and think of all the, you know, times Theo, you know, threw up here.

Me and Theo cuddled.

Like, there's no memory of Theo in this apartment, which is probably for the best.

But he is, in fact, dead.

Yeah.

For a while, I definitely was like fully convinced he was a sex slave in someone's basement, you know, fresh cakes.

But no, I can confirm.

Those cakes are fresh.

I can confirm the cakes are dead.

Theo is dead, and I cannot believe it.

I know.

But now when you see the snow, does it like remind you of Theo?

No,

no.

I'm just like, maybe I'll get to a place where I'm like looking for signs, but now I'm just like,

get me out of here.

Like, this is weird.

Like, I feel weird.

Like, cringe.

Rip king.

Rip Dadu.

Dadu, Daddy, Dadu.

And, like, what are the stories?

Are they the stories for the last month?

Or?

No, they're pretty much the stories for today.

And it's actually kind of, we have some big stories, but some of the stories are like of just a lot of personal interest to me.

And not necessarily what you would think for First Day Back, but great Fast Five fodder.

And then if there's anything else that happened over the last few weeks, it could go in tomorrow's batch if there's not that much.

So that's the plan.

I also did solicit from my Instagram, like what people want us to talk about.

And here are the things that we won't be talking about but that people wanted us to talk about okay because i have like some i have some thoughts but go because there's a couple things that like are worth mentioning but we they're not stories go ahead first of all everyone is talking about the real houses of salt lake city and they're talking about it in such a way that i actually think i'm gonna go and watch this season because they're acting like this is the best channel

what happened I have no idea what's going on.

Please do not tell me.

I have something to say.

Yeah.

I'll take my headphones off.

Can you take your headphones off for one second?

Well, not to make everything about me, but I do want to say, and I don't know who told me, so like, I'm not getting anyone in trouble.

Somebody told me what this like big secret was, because when Real House has Salt Lake City first premiered, there was like this moment where Heather was on the balcony finding something out and everyone was like, oh, what did Heather find out?

Somebody told me and I was like, oh, wow, that is crazy.

Then it came up, you know.

Some of the things people tell me like don't end up being true, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the thing somebody told me was true.

Now, it's so crazy, and like we'll get into details and everything, but like, can we just talk about how bizarre it is that we got to a place where Bravo is hiring internet trolls?

Like, I just think like,

I think that's crazy.

And like, yeah, we could talk about like the show and like what it means to the plotline and like Heather really handled this iconically and all that.

But like, what does it say as a society that like literally an anonymous troll

was cast by Bravo?

I don't know.

I just think it's kind of crazy.

That's my takeaway.

I'm like, I'm still sitting on it.

I'm like, how do we get to a place where Bravo's kind of engaging with an anonymity and trollhood?

I don't know.

I just think it's kind of crazy.

All right, Jackie.

Look alive.

You can put your headphones back on.

Okay.

What What else did it make the cut?

Hello?

Hi.

Sorry, I had to mute you.

What else did it make the cut?

What else did it make the cut?

Here we are.

Oh, people wanted to know like content that we watched on our trip from the list.

We didn't watch anything.

No, we literally did not watch one piece of television because like we were trying to keep the kids away from the screens.

So then we were reading a lot.

And by the time the kids went to bed, we were all so tired.

Like we did not watch one piece of television, but I did read 10 books.

Yeah, and I finished my Elon Musk book.

What else?

uh

what oh then there are the things that we are going to talk about which we don't need to talk about them twice is aaron rogers versus jimmy kimmel a story of course it is i'm obsessed i'm obsessed it's the craziest thing ever oh simone biles and her husband oh my god are you did you see what that was yeah like he's just like making it all about him no he's like a big dick like he went on a podcast it was like one of those like toxically male podcasts where they talk about like you know women in the kitchen basically but like in a serious way not in a joking way like we do.

And he was basically saying when he met Simone Biles or where they got set up, or it was on like an app or something, he didn't know who she was.

And we're like, oh, okay, well, that's weird because you're an athlete and like a living, breathing human.

How do you not know who Simone Biles is?

And then, of course, they found old tweets where he, you know, said something about Simone Biles.

It wasn't negative, but you obviously knew who she was.

Yeah.

And then it was just about how it's like, you know, in a few years' time, she's going to be, you know, Simone Biles.

She's going to be, what's his name?

I don't even know his name.

Jonathan.

I think it's Jonathan Goodman or something.

I thought it's like Owens yeah yeah Owens Owen Owen yeah Jonathan Owens yeah

so he was basically saying you know

she is Jonathan Owens's wife he's not Simone Biles's husband and we're like yeah okay Jan but then like Simone Biles like was agreeing with him and everyone was like wait what's going on so it's just kind of like it's just Simone Biles is in this kind of toxically traditional marriage and it's everyone seems to be bothered by it except Simone Biles.

Well, I think that's what's most important.

Yeah, I agree.

Like if my husband ever said that, like I would seriously vomit, but it obviously is something that they agree on.

And like I'm not going to yuck someone's yums.

Right.

Right.

I just didn't expect like Simone Biles, who's kind of like the face of like women.

She is.

Like, I just didn't expect her to be like so traditional to the point of being like borderline outdated.

I didn't expect that.

But again, I'm not going to yuck someone's yums.

I just didn't expect it.

I think a lot of people found it shocking.

But maybe it's like everybody made her the face of feminism and like she didn't want that, you know?

Different strokes for different folks.

It was definitely an interesting podcast.

You should watch some of the clips.

It was cringe, just him talking about his own career, like as if anybody on the planet has heard his name.

Right.

I didn't see any clips.

I just saw some sound bites like written, which is always different than watching someone say yes.

But it sounds like, you know, no matter how you slice it, he was being a little.

Hey, look at me.

When it's like we're all just looking at screen, but okay.

Shacky.

What you just said was perfection.

Hey, look at me, but we're all just looking at Simone.

Yeah, that's literally it.

It must be hard.

Yeah, but get over it.

Like, lift up, lift up your partner.

Yeah, deal with it.

You know, it is what it is.

Oh, speaking of lifting up our partners, today's a very exciting day because today, the Good Guys podcast, which is kind of the rising star of TNN, even though it's like not, you know, super competitive because everybody keeps quitting their podcasts.

Love you, Lauren Elizabeth.

Mood is always, mood, might come back.

Let's just say that.

Mood might come back.

No, Lauren Elizabeth quitting mood is such a mood.

No, so relatable.

Like, I get it.

Podcasting is hard.

Podcasting is harder than people give.

So, but no bad blood, Lauren.

We love you.

We love you.

I was watching her videos yesterday talking about

reasons for quitting and then like the reaction to her quitting.

It was just so funny.

She's so real.

She's one of those people whose I feel content has changed so much since becoming a parent because she doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah.

Also, I did felt a little bit put on what's the phrase?

Put on blast, not even because like she's TNN, but because when she was like, everybody's doing video now and I didn't get the video memo.

And it's like, oh, sorry, that was us.

Yeah, we invented video podcasting.

We kind of, in our category.

In our sphere.

Yeah, no, we did.

I'm sorry.

Like, of course, like Joe Rogan was always.

But of course, of course.

But like in like the girly sphere.

We invented it.

We did.

And so for that, we are sorry, Lauren Elizabeth.

Yeah, but what were we talking about?

Oh, good guys.

So the rising star,

even though at this point it's just Shannon in bed.

Excuse me.

Oh, God.

And the Red Hats.

And the Red Hats.

Sorry.

But you're a monthly podcast.

That's why you're in like a different bucket.

That's why I don't think of you.

And we're just like kind of in this intellectual bucket.

It's true.

It's true.

But all that to say, the good guys podcast is moving to two episodes a week.

They call their listeners the morons, which I think is so funny.

So the morons demanded more content.

And what the morons demand, the good guys give.

So they're introducing Thick Boy Thursdays where they drop a second episode i think it's just thursdays are going to be like their solos and then mondays i think are guests i think don't quote me oh that's cute ben texted ben and i were texting this morning about brew oh and he sent me the funniest text because brew like just doesn't seem like himself right now so he said and of course ben and i are on high alert we're all on high alert like and he's going but so i took him to the vet like when everything went down and like that's also like when the problems started i just want to say oh wow i think bruno's becoming like anti-bax because i could see that perhaps

he got his shots and all of a sudden he's unwell.

So I could, by the way, I didn't realize.

Maybe stay home.

I didn't realize that Bruno had gotten his shots and that's why he was acting weird.

I feel like that makes sense.

Yeah, like,

okay, thanks.

Maybe they gave him rabies.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

He was having like one issue while we were gone.

And now he's just like, he just did something weird.

So now we're like all.

We're all being crazy.

We're all being crazy, but Ben said, put him on the thick boy diet.

Have him listen to the first episode of Thick Boy Thursdays.

Buy the goods.

Buy the goods.

Ben, it's so funny.

I wrote back the goods.

I'm crying.

Oh, that's good for you for texting back.

I know that's a challenge for you.

Right, especially because that wasn't a text that, like, it wasn't a question.

Right.

Wait, by the way, we have gotten so off base.

What else did people want us to talk about that we're not talking about?

Oh.

Everything else is pretty much in the fast five.

They wanted to know a lot about our trip, which, you know, we're always happy to talk about ourselves.

But a lot of our trip stuff is on the Patreon patreon and we don't want to like don't dip yeah and we also want you to go be patrons because that's like because this is a business gotta be if you just like want to like know us on a personal level join the patreon

we're also just like a business

period we're a business we're business owners like we have business to do sign up at patreon.com slash toast go watch my new special lean in on prime video like buy the camper and the counselor buy my book girl with no job the crazy beautiful life of an instagram third sponsor you can now listen to the audio book on spotify like the camper and the counselor is back on amazon it will be on amazon and now you can get it If someone, if you were like hoping for it for the holidays and someone didn't get it for you because they're not in tune with what's necessary, like get it for yourself.

Treat yourself, treat your child.

It's the best book ever.

And if your kid's not into reading, they will be with the camper and the counselor.

Guaranteed.

If the camper and the counselor has 100 fans, I'm one of them.

If the camper and the counselor has one fan, it is me.

If the camper and the counselor has zero fans, I'm dead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, we read so much Camper and the Counselor on the trip, like over and over and over again.

And you just, you got to get your hands on it.

It's like, it's kind of child neglect if you don't pick up a copy.

I'm calling CPS now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So now without further ado, here are the fast five stories that you need to know.

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Our first story is the big story of the day.

What is it?

The Epstein files are unsealed.

More than 170 names are in the files, though that is so misleading because some of them are like names that are in there just for the witness to be like no they were never there no i don't know them by the way some people are getting dragged and like it kind of sucks because they're like just being included in this list i do want to say that this is like a years old case and i'm really proud of the culture and the people for like not letting this die for keeping up the energy like it could have been like oh the ep scene things are released and it's like oh we've moved on from that we have not i'm sad I have

I was like, last night I saw there were some names trickling.

I'm like on Twitter.

I'm like, give me the names.

Yeah.

And so there are a ton of names.

A lot of them are nothing burgers.

Like I don't, I feel about even like mentioning the names, but I'll read the transcript just so like to say

that the witness then was like, no, they weren't there.

No, I never saw them.

Names such as Kate Blanchett and Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz with a hard no.

So those are no names.

The documents were really the worst for, I would say, number one, Prince Andrew.

Oh, I would say number one, Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton, there was a quote about how he likes young girls.

Prince Andrew, one of the

accusers or witnesses, cites three times that she was forced to have sexual relations with him when she was underage.

And one of them was an orgy on the island.

Oh.

See, the thing is, with someone like Jeffrey Epstein, when you think about, and Ghillain too, because like there's this account where it's like, you know, photos of Ghelane Maxwell and random celebrities.

When you get to a certain level of wealth, like, and you have a plane, celebrities just kind of make their way to you.

So I don't necessarily think that because your name is on a flight log that you are doing nefarious things with young women.

It doesn't, for me, that doesn't, it doesn't automatically mean that.

But if you appear, you know, two, three, four, five, six times, yeah, you're doing something dirty.

But when it comes to like, you know, your name just being on a flight log once, that's just the nature of celebrity.

Like rich people give you their planes.

Like you get a ride somewhere.

It's just, it's not that crazy.

It doesn't mean that you're involved in this ring of pedophilia.

I just want to say that.

A lot of people like are just sort of in the orbit, but not necessarily like doing these nefarious acts.

And I agree, like one ride.

Right.

Everyone likes to ride on a piece.

You're like, you know, you're judges or you're on the list uh the no and if you're like constantly flying around with the same person like that is your friend yes once or twice for me doesn't mean i'm not going to get suspicious yet it's like a coincidence oh we're all heading to aspen you want to ride by the way that's literally how these things work But I think also a big differentiator is who went to the island.

Yes, yes, yes.

Because I don't think there was any hiding on the island.

I think that was the point of the island.

Like we could be free and pedophilic all we want.

Right.

We could be out of maps.

what what is minor attracted person persons right we could be maps sick sick if you find yourself switching over to maps from pedophile you might be the problem

you might be the problem i think that's an insane term maps

anyways no pedophile so i think the worst for prince andrew and bill clinton and then a lot of people who were kind of like exonerated by at least this um set of files set of files, but these seem to, this is like, it was over a thousand pages.

So but don't worry, the internet users, they went through them.

They went through them.

They're combing through them.

A lot of big names that were nothing burgers and then some something burgers.

I guess for me, it feels worse for Bill Clinton is because like Prince Andrew has been disgraced.

Like

he has left the family.

He was stripped of his whatevers.

He doesn't walk in the procession.

It's like known that he's an associate of Epstein and he is suffering the consequences as much as he can.

Right, right.

Like he's being punished.

For Bill Clinton, it's always just kind of this like question mark.

Like his name was in there, but like his, you know, he was a president.

Like it's not.

And now it's like confirmed.

Like he's a freak and he's a pedophile, right?

Like it's confirmed.

You know?

It's been confirmed for like a long time, but still there's no disgrace.

Right, right.

But that's because he's still married.

But he's like a private citizen.

That's why there's not like with Prince Andrew, he was like a public figure.

No, I think it's, I feel kind of the opposite where it's like he was an elected official.

Was.

That's what I'm saying.

Like now he's not.

And his wife is not.

They're not anything.

They're just private people.

Right.

Yeah.

So there's not like, I don't know, but they're still like always talking and like, you know, giving master classes.

No, it's really crazy.

And the foundation.

Yeah.

Well, maybe now with this new

set of files.

There's nothing in here that I didn't already know about Bill Clinton, like if you're looking to know.

Is Jimmy Kimmel a separate story?

Of course.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

So, I don't know.

I think they'll still, like, because

the one damning quote is like, oh, that he, she heard Bill Clinton likes young girls.

Like, I, they could just dismiss that as hearsay.

The Clinton's always just like put out a statement, you know, we had no idea of Epstein's dealings on a personal level.

No, but when you hang around with someone so frequently, like, you get to know their interests.

And if your interests are all known if your interests are little girls, like that's going to come up.

Yeah, we all know.

We know.

We know.

We've been known.

We've been known.

Yeah, we've been known.

Yeah, also another president in the docks was Trump, but exonerated, saying, I never, did you ever give Donald Trump a massage?

No.

Did you ever have sexual relations with Donald Trump?

No.

Okay, what was were the Obama's in there?

I saw something on

Twitter, but it's unverified.

Oh, another name that's in there was Stephen Hawking.

Hmm.

Okay.

And magician David Copperfield.

I think he did magic at a dinner.

Yes, I saw that David Copperfield was in there too.

You got to be careful where you're doing your magic.

You do, but like a gig is a gig.

Like you're going to get hired.

You're going to get hired.

Yeah, especially if it's like all these other celebrities are there.

Like, why can't I do my magic?

Right.

The witness said, like, yeah, David Copperfield like did some tricks.

You know, he did a flip and nothing else nefarious with David Copperfield.

So rest easy.

You could still go see his show.

And

you don't want your name to be in this docs.

But on the other hand, like, are you somebody if your name isn't here?

You're, you're not.

You're nobody.

And that's why we're nobodies, Turbi.

That's fine.

I'm going to stay a nobody with my, you know, interest in adult males and I'm going to feel good about it.

Yeah.

I'm going to feel great about it, actually.

Yeah.

I like adults.

What do we call?

What are we calling that?

Well, it's also called a map.

Mature, attracted person.

I'm a map.

I'm not.

I'm a map.

I'm a mature attracted person.

No, you are not.

I think it's just normal.

I think it's apps.

Jackie, don't use the word normal.

It's very discriminatory towards minor attractive person.

I'm okay with discriminating against pedophiles.

I am.

I am too.

And I know that's going to get me in some trouble.

It is.

But you know what?

I think this year, like in particular, like we need to start not giving a fuck.

Jackie, I literally, like, I've been posting clips about my stand-up.

And I posted one.

I have this honestly, like, truly prolific bit about teachers.

And everyone knows I love teachers.

We have so many teacher toasters.

I raise money for teachers literally every year.

I donate my own money.

I raise money.

I get brands to, you know, help teachers pay for it.

Like, you couldn't even think, a rational person couldn't think that I dislike teachers based on, you know, my history.

But I have this, this hilarious bit about, like, when I was a student and the things my teachers used to do.

And like, you know, as an adult, everyone has resentment towards the teachers that they had growing up.

Jackie, these unhinged women in the comments, like they were,

you do it.

You do it.

You spend a day in teacher shoes.

No, like, I'm not a teacher.

Like, they were jacking the comments, you have to, like, they were insane.

And then I did a Q ⁇ A like a few days later and they were still, are you going to apologize?

Am I going to apolog?

No, I'm not.

Are you going to apologize for being mentally ill?

No.

No, they're not.

Well, then neither am I, bitch.

Yeah.

As much as let's let it rip, i don't give a fart i like i don't have the energy for teacher backlash no and by the way it's so dumb like i like teachers i don't even have anything against teachers like i respect them i respect the hustle it's a hard job oh my god i could never do it and i don't want to do it i get it like that doesn't mean i can't make a joke about my teachers and the funny thing is like in the special and it didn't make the clip on social but in the special before i go into the i bit about teachers i know that like teachers are like this protected class i'm like you can't make a joke about teachers without being labeled something i don't know what it is So I make this whole very funny

disclaimer before I go.

I'm like, I just say, like, this is my experience.

I'm not making a general statement about a teacher.

And like, look what happened.

Look what happened.

Because you didn't have the disclaimer in.

Because I didn't have the same.

On the one hand, you should have put it in.

On the other hand, go watch Lean In for the full story.

Yeah, there's a lot of drama.

For the context.

Yeah.

Our next story.

And I just want to say, I got like a million DMs from the actual teachers being like, it was funny.

It's like

a teacher.

It's never the teachers.

It's the teacher representatives.

It's just the pressed losers.

It's the pressed losers.

That's one of my resolutions this year.

It's like, I want to rid myself of the pressed losers.

If you find yourself being pressed often, like, get the fuck away from me.

Cause you want to know what?

That shit is contagious.

Like, get away.

Get away.

If you find yourself being a loser.

Well, I feel like if you find yourself being a loser, like, you just wouldn't naturally gravitate towards this show.

This show is for a lot of people, but it ain't for losers.

It ain't.

But Loserhood like loves company and they just want to bring you down.

Loserhood does love company.

So just stay away.

Yeah, like seriously, I'm going to start like getting garlic cloves, like vampires.

Stay the fuck away.

Our next story is a little more Epstein-related drama.

Jimmy Kimmel is slamming the reckless Aaron Rodgers, threatening to sue him over claims of ties to Jeffrey Epstein.

Wait, this is so crazy.

So Aaron Rodgers went on his favorite show, the Pat McAfee show, to do his favorite pastime, which is just talking shit.

Yeah.

And they started talking about the impending release of the list containing names of high-profile people rumored to be associated with Epstein.

And Aaron said, quote, a lot of people, including Jimmy Kimmel, are hoping that doesn't come out.

So then

Jimmy Kimmel tweeted, dear asshole with two A's, like Aaron, asshole.

I just want to say, that was a sleigh.

Like,

that was a sleigh.

When I saw it, I was like, that is a good joke.

That's funny.

Like, it was good.

So he said, dear asshole, for the record, I've not met, flown with, visited, or had any contact whatsoever with Epstein, nor will you find my name on any list other than the clearly phony nonsense that soft-brained wackos like yourself can't seem to distinguish from reality.

Your reckless words put my family in danger.

Keep it up and we will debate the facts further in court at Aaron Rodgers, just to be clear.

So when this, you know, tweet came out, I was like, damn.

Damn, Jimmy Kimmel is not holding back.

Like, obviously, he's not going to be in these documents.

He doesn't appreciate, you know, the slander.

And he's going to defend himself online and in court.

And I was like, you know what?

Fine.

Go off, Jimmy.

And honestly, I have to imagine that Jimmy Kimmel is innocent in all of this because you don't go that hard publicly.

For

something, for something Aaron Rodgers said, like that nobody was talking about.

Like this became a story.

I wasn't even thinking Jimmy Kimmel.

You've not heard the phrase, thou doth doth protest too much

yeah but like if the documents are about to come out and somebody says something about you and it doesn't really blow up it's like on a small espn show like you talking about it i only heard about jimmy kimmel and i only he's not one of the people i was like oh his name's definitely going to be on there i didn't even think about him i only started thinking about him when he tweeted it like he made it a thing so i like i have to imagine a rational person or a person with a publicist wouldn't respond unless it was really not true, right?

So is his name in the docs?

I saw a tweet saying that it was, but I don't believe that his name actually is in the doc.

And even if it is, like we said before, a lot of people's names are in the doc, especially celebrities who aren't, you know, nefariously

in the document.

But then why would Aaron Rodgers say that?

Like, why out of nowhere?

And like, what's Aaron Rogers?

Like, what's the beef here?

Because there were a lot of people you could have said when making this statement about Jeffrey Epstein's list.

Why did Aaron Rodgers say Jamie Kimmel?

Like, what's the beef there?

I I don't know.

We need to think about it.

Makes you think.

Makes you think.

Makes you think.

So we'll keep you abreast on that.

And are you ready for our next story?

I am.

Which is some new couple news, so it seems.

Joe Jonas arrives at Cabo airport with model Stormy Bree amid Sophie Turner divorce.

Joe Jonas was spotted leaving the same airport in Cabo St.

Lucas with model Stormy Bree amid his divorce from Sophie Turner in photos obtained by page six.

Joe arrived arrived at the private airport on Wednesday to leave the country with Bree.

It's unclear if they left on the same flight, but like in this picture, they're just like a fan.

They're like next to each other.

Yeah, you don't stand that close to somebody at an airport unless you're a part of the same party.

No, especially like at a private airport when there's one party.

Right.

No, no, and it's like one plane leaves at a time.

Like.

Why would these two be walking next to each other?

These age-appropriate single people.

No, no, they're dating.

Like

now TMZ is like so buttoned up.

Yeah, this is page six.

Whatever.

Cute.

I'm happy that he's, you know, has a little romance.

Same.

Sophie Turner posted like an end of year recap saying like 2023 was for the girlies and 2024 will be no different.

So I think she's very much in like her, you know, single gal era party.

Oh, but she's still with that guy.

Oh my God, I forgot about him, that like royal count or whatever.

Yeah, the Count Olaf.

Count Olaf.

Who what?

What's his name again?

Like Pellegrin Pellegrino?

Yeah, the heir to the Pellegrino throne.

No, he's just like a nobleman, correct?

An aristocrat.

I'll get his official name, boyfriend.

I think it's Danny Pellegrino, right?

It is Peregrine Pearson.

Jackie, you were pretty close.

I know.

Pellegrine Pellegrino.

Peregrine Pearson.

They were spotted recent, like more recently than when

talked about, like smooching again.

Like they're still smooching.

I mean, smooching.

So these two are moving on.

I feel like, you know,

it's hard to find somebody in terms of like social status when they both really did very well for themselves when they were married.

You know, I thought they were very well matched, both, you know, looks-wise, but then also celebrity-wise and status-wise.

So I think Sophie's really crushed it, you know, going the aristocratic route.

I love that for her.

You know, Joe going with a sexy young thing model, it's kind of obvious, but you know, it's fine.

It's not that creative.

She's 33.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a mom.

I feel like as much as you know, you want to get someone on your

professional level, like, you know, maybe once you've had that and maybe that contributed to some of the demise of the relationship, you're just like, you know what?

I want someone who's in a different industry, which just has their own thing going on and there's none of this, even conflicting scheduling.

Like, I want someone who could come on tour with me.

Yeah.

She is a mom, which I love.

Oh, I love.

Yeah.

She's got a baby.

Did you know her before?

I

had seen her name before.

She used to be a part of like a um not like like a pinterest like like a

lucky blue yes so lucky blue do you remember lucky blue i don't think so oh my god lucky blue was like the male model of the moment when i was like in college like everyone was like lucky blue lucky blue lucky blue

and they were a couple i believe he's the father of her child Oh, okay, cool.

So she's got her own stuff going on.

Yeah, yeah.

And when they got together, it was just like the Pinterest Tumblr girlies were not fucking okay

I love a Pinterest Tumblr relationship you know what I mean like kind of like emo energy yeah yeah yeah no not emo just like artsy emo aesthetic

emo I stay I like emo

no emo is like you know just let it go I like emo

no but like a different kind of emo you're thinking of like in very like small-mindedly about emo culture i'm thinking very you know

definition oriented no no you're not.

You're just being kind of like small-minded.

Yeah.

You're just, it's giving minutia, you know?

It's giving facts.

It's giving small-mindedness.

It's giving correct usage of the word, but.

No, it's giving not knowing enough about the culture.

Oh, wow.

Sound off in the comments.

Are Lucky Blue and Spree Stormy Emo?

I think they are.

Let's leave it at that.

Are you ready for our next story?

More relationship news.

Yeah.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard brags about her sex life after leaving prison.

So I'm so glad that this is a story because I've thought of nothing else.

I would say the name on everyone's lips this holiday season was Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

I would say the same.

Because not only is she out of prison, she's a free woman.

She's making waves.

She's using her freedom to make really

interesting comments on Instagram, on her husband's Instagram.

So Gypsy Rose Blanchard is getting busy in the bedroom now that she's out of prison.

The ex-con turned star hit back at social media haters on Wednesday by bragging about her husband, Ryan Anderson's package in his Instagram comments.

So if you just don't know who Gypsy Rose Blanchard is, she is the girl who like was munchhausened by her mother for so many years, you know, riding the benefits of Make a Wish and all of these programs that would just like they were living the life because Gypsy was allegedly sick.

Turns out that she was not sick.

Her mother was just like keeping her down.

It's very, you know, from the politician.

Yeah.

Straight out of,

what's her name?

Zoe Deutsch.

Zoe Deutsch's storyline.

And then Gypsy and her boyfriend killed the mother.

Yeah, they like discover what's going on and they decide they're going to kill this bitch.

And that's what they did.

And they went to prison for it.

And they went to prison for it.

And now Gypsy is free.

Now, one question is.

A lot of people thought she was wrongfully convicted.

Yeah, because what her mother did to her was so atrocious.

Egregious.

Like, there was no way out but to kill this bitch.

Is the boyfriend she killed her mother with, her now husband?

No.

So this dude.

Wow.

I mean, Gypsy Rose went to her, like, she's, she's got something.

Yeah, no.

If I was single right now, I would definitely be thinking, wow, like, Gypsy Rose has a boyfriend and I don't.

Actually, she's a.

Gypsy Rose has a boyfriend who would kill for her and a husband who would wait for her.

Wow.

No, literally.

And let me tell you who this man is.

They met via PenPal.

He is a teacher.

Oh.

Just makes sense.

Not great.

Not great for the teachers, but he is a teacher.

I think he's probably a former teacher now.

I think being Gypsy Rose's husband is probably his full-time job because they're making bank with these people exclusives.

They've got a lifetime docuseries coming out.

He's up to like 5 million Instagram followers, and he's a little micro-influencer of his own.

She's got 3 million on TikTok.

Okay.

And she's posted like four videos.

They met via, you know, pen pal ship.

He started writing to her.

They got married while she was in prison.

And now they're out and about together living the life drinking Dr.

Pepper.

Now, I want to say something because a lot of people are railing on Gypsy because some of her comments on her

husband's Instagram have gone viral because they're cringy.

Let me tell you what she commented.

I guess he's getting some hate for some of that, you know, I can imagine why.

Yeah.

She said, Ryan, don't listen to the haters.

I love you and you love me.

We do not owe anyone anything.

Our family is who matters.

I love you.

Besides, they are jealous because you are rocking my world every night.

Yeah, I said it.

The D is fire.

Okay, and a lot of people were shook.

And I just want to say it is of absolute importance that we keep in mind that Gypsy Rose Blanchard might be the most socially inept human being walking the earth.

From the time that she was born till the time she was what, 14, she literally was like in a wheelchair and didn't think that she was able to leave her house.

And her mother like kept her inside and at doctor's offices all time.

She like wasn't allowed to have a friend.

Then she had a boyfriend for five minutes.

They committed murder together and then she went to prison.

It's not exactly the makings of like normal social behaviors.

So, we need to give her a bit of a pass.

That's very generous, Sisera.

Like, she's literally never had like a normal friendship.

Yeah, and has she had social media before?

Maybe she doesn't know there are things for the public and things for the private.

No, she like wasn't allowed to have a computer.

Then she had a computer for five minutes when they were like committing the murders.

Then she went to prison where she probably had access to like computer emails, like through the prison system, no internet or anything.

Um,

this is not a person who knows how to act, so we need to give her grace.

Yeah, she's just getting her feet wet.

Yeah.

She'll find out.

And by the way, she's probably really excited to be like getting fucked.

Like, it's exciting when you're new.

Like, think about like when you lost your virginity.

And like, well, do you think they had conjugal visits?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

But it must have been different.

I don't know.

She was in jail for like assisted.

She wasn't like the one who did the murder.

She like she was in prison for like

aiding and abetting.

Yeah, like no, not aiding and abetting.

When you like help someone murder, you know?

Accessory.

Yeah, like something like that.

Her boyfriend is going to be in jail for a little bit longer and he's probably like, this is bullshit.

Like, I helped you kill your mom.

I freed you.

And now I'm in prison and you're married to another man.

Yeah.

Get in the D.

Get in the D.

Did you see the act with

Joey King?

No.

I watched a few episodes because it was on Delta.

Only my only episodes.

Knowledge of the Gypsy Rose story is from the politicians, so I hope they didn't mess anything up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, Gypsy Rose is getting dicked down in Dallas.

Actually, she's getting dicked down, I think, in Louisiana.

She's not allowed to leave the state due to her parole.

But

I'm happy for her.

And I think we need to be giving Gypsy some grace.

I agree.

Context is extremely important here.

And this is a person who is socially inept.

Give Gypsy grace.

Like, what did you expect her to come out of?

Triple G.

Triple G.

Triple G.

Some people watch Triple D.

I watch Triple G.

And I think, like, we need to...

Like, honestly, given what we know about Gypsy and her, like, interaction with other human beings on a social level, I think this is an extremely impressive comment.

I agree, but I just want to say if she's going to be kind of like the influencer of the year,

and the way things are going, like, this is the year of Gypsy, she's going to have to get it together.

She's going to have to start, you know,

like to know it.

Five takes.

So I like to be.

Because I can't go, but I actually was invited to an event this week with Gypsy Rose.

It's like in Gypsy Rose's honor.

I think you need to be her influencer mentor.

But I can't go.

And like, I'm really upset about it.

You should DM her.

Maybe I will.

I could be like the Patricia Alt Schultz to her Catherine Dennis.

You could follow her boyfriend.

Oh, that would be, that's a disastrous.

No, but I wonder if like there's any influencers she follows who maybe could give her a hand in the influencing space.

She has 6.4 million followers and she only follows 73 million people and no influencers.

All

media outlets, she follows Access Hollywood, ABC News, PBC News, USA Weekly, USA Today, Entertainment Weekly, e-Entertainment, Extra, Today Show, Vanity Fair, CNN, Times, Good Morning america us weekly new york times

people actually make you follow like when you join instagram they're like oh i like pop culture here follow all of these people oh that's a crazy she does follow luke homes and kim kardashi and if either of them want to reach out she follows luke combs no i'm telling you jaggie she would love us she should come on the toast she follows travis kelcey because she is obsessed with taylor she follows eric church

oh there's some like private accounts she follows these must be her friends vicki lewis Tiffany Dardar, Keisha Blanchard, Joy Batson, Huff Martin, and Susie Coleman.

Ooh, maybe any of them are toasters.

I'm obsessed.

Okay, let's get into our fifth and final story.

Oh, so fast.

I know.

This is a story that has lied dormant for a while.

And maybe if I gave you enough guesses, you could remember us talking about it years ago.

It might have even been the breath, but we're finally getting answers.

It's kind of the episode of Getting Answers.

Is it Legally Blonde 3?

No, it is about the Ukrainian

orphan

who was accused.

And my friends from high school are fucking obsessed with this story.

Yes.

So she, her name is Natalia Grace, and she's a Ukrainian orphan with dwarfism who was accused by her adopted family of actually not being the age that she said that she was and actually being a grown adult who was trying to like kill and poison them.

Right.

Now in a new docuseries called The Curious Case of Natalia Grace, Natalia Speaks, they conducted a DNA test to find out her actual age and whether or not she was lying when she was adopted.

In the show.

The DNA test confirmed that she is now 22, which would mean that when she was adopted, she was under the age of 10.

So all of the things that the family

did and accused her of.

Well, just the age part was not true, but they also said that they felt she was putting poison in the coffee.

She was leaving thumbtacks on the stairs, trying to harm them.

I've read like three books in the last two weeks about like diabolical children, one being The Push, one being Don't Let Her Stay, about like, you know, kids who are born with that serial killer type of vibing from a very young age, they start killing, you know, squirrels and shit.

So it's entirely possible.

However, if she wasn't lying about her age and these people were like lying about her lying, I'm, I'm gonna, I feel like I'm gonna stand with the minor.

I'm gonna stand with Natalia.

Yeah.

Also, so they petitioned the court to have her age legally change to 22

before they knew for certain, like before this DNA test, even though you shouldn't be able to change someone's age so drastically without like proof.

And because of that, they weren't able to charge the parents with neglect because like legally she wasn't a child.

Right.

Now this is really mixed up.

It is mixed mixed up.

I'm glad that she's kind of getting her justice.

Imagine being so slandered.

Now, I actually never thought about this before.

Like, somebody who doesn't have any paperwork, like no social security, no birth certificate.

Like, how do you determine someone's age?

Their teeth.

That's what I was thinking.

Is there a way?

There's no way to like...

You can't like determine their birthday.

Birthday.

But general age, yes.

I never thought about that before.

Like, you couldn't determine someone's birthday, like, from their body, you know?

Well, using

DNA, you could.

Oh, no, birthday.

No, sorry.

I thought you just meant age.

No, you can get like a rough estimate like of how many years they've been alive, but you can determine their birthday.

I just never thought about that before.

Yeah.

Kind of crazy.

Kind of crazy, but it's also crazy that like when they were like in court against her, like claiming she was 22, like she was nine.

How do you defend yourself, Lily, when you're just nine?

No, this story's like a tragedy.

I'm like sad.

And I know that there's a documentary about this, like, which which is why we're talking about it, but I kind of need a documentary about this.

Yeah, no, I'm going to need a more in-depth, maybe like a documentary about this.

Yeah, just something to like sum up everything that was in this documentary.

No, I'm feeling extreme sadness for Natalia, but the way that this story has been going on for a while.

Can I say I don't like want to be a doubt or non-believer?

Oh, you don't believe Natalia?

Is there a chance like this DNA test was inaccurate or somehow tampered with?

No, not tampered with, but inaccurate in the sense that like, how do you determine someone's age without any documentation?

No, you can.

Like they literally can dig up fossils from thousands of years ago and tell you like what age that they are from.

So

it's possible, but is it possible like this docuseries maybe tampered with it because this is a better story?

Okay, who?

Who's by the way?

I don't think it's a better story.

I think if she was this like grown-ass woman, woman trying to kill her quote-unquote adopted parents, like that's a better story.

No, but like

the fact that it's not just put to bed now.

Now it's like, okay, well, now we need justice.

Like now we need to change.

Like it keeps it going.

Now I'm saying we need a documentary.

So who made this documentary?

Is it some like forlorn production company or is it legitimate?

It is ID.

Oh, information discovery.

They are like the best of the best.

They do the, you know, forensic files.

They're the best of the best.

Like if I, if somebody was making like a true crime documentary about my life, I'd be like, fuck that shit up and give it to ID.

Like everybody knows ID.

It's streaming on Maximilian.

Oh my God.

It's legitimate.

Maybe I should watch it.

She's not a minor.

She's a major.

Well, she was a minor.

Right, right.

Oh, right, right, right.

She was a minor.

And now she's.

I'm getting confused.

And now she's a major on major streaming services.

I'm happy for her.

And I hope, like, seriously, like, this puts it to bed and she can move on with her life without these heinous accusations following her around.

Yeah, that's a.

Heinous accusation.

And what a sad childhood.

She said she never wants to.

I mean, imagine your parents like are accusing you of such heinous crimes.

Like, how is their love?

Where's the love?

Right.

And like, this is like, you get adopted and you think, like, finally, I'm just going to like be loved and taken care of.

And then these freaks think that you're a grown-ass woman trying to poison them.

Telling everyone that you're a sociopath.

And also, she's already struggling with issues of her own as she does have a form of dwarfism.

Right.

Which is hard enough on a young girl.

This is crazy.

It's tragic.

This is a case for the FBI, honestly.

It is.

This is a case for the FBI.

And I hope that she can get her documents changed and that there can be some form of justice.

Also, the parents are now divorced, and I think that she's bonded with like the father over, you know, against the father.

This is a book.

This is a book.

Yeah.

This is like one of my thrillers that I read.

I'm sure Lifetime will be giving them, or TLC will be giving them a reality show soon.

I look forward to justice being served.

As do I.

Lots of justice in today's episode.

Great way to start the episode.

This was a great episode.

I feel so good about what we did here today.

Yeah, I also feel like there are probably some new toasters who discovered us over the break.

So welcome.

If you didn't get any of the jokes, I don't even know if there was too much inside baseball, but you'll catch on soon enough.

It's really.

Honestly, please feel free to use today's episode as like a blank canvas.

Like if you have a question about what something means, like an inside joke that you just keeps going over your head, whether it be PJOM, P-JAW, Tabula Rasa, drop a comment on YouTube because people will answer for you and they'll give you like a better backstory, honestly, than we could have.

That's true.

So drop drop a comment on YouTube.

That's our show.

That's our show.

We love you dearly.

Thank you so much for listening to The Toast, the Millennial Morning Show, where we deliver the fast five stories that you need to know every Monday through Friday on YouTube.

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Hope you guys have an amazing Thursday.

And we'll see you tomorrow for

Friday, Friday.

Gotta get down on Friday.

Love ya, bye.

Love ya, bye.