Archaic Solutions For The Modern Woman: Tuesday, December 12th, 2023

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Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the Chosen Happy Tuesday.

Hope everybody's having a great day.

Speaking of greatness, it's Shaq Yeo.

Why thank you, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

La.

Fa la la.

I know I sound like a broken record.

And I know everyone's sick of me and my bullshit, but I'm about to gouge my own fucking eye out at this point.

My eye Twitch is worse than it's been.

Like today's the worst day it's ever been.

And it's really starting to piss me the fuck off.

Now I'm getting angry.

I'm thinking, you know, I could live without this eye.

Give it a shot.

It's been

a whole ass month.

I'm being punished.

What did I do?

Did you look into it?

I did.

I did all the things.

I've been taking magnesium.

I drank tonic water.

I'm trying to cut back on blue light.

Like, I don't know what the fuck it is.

I just feel like you shouldn't give it the attention that it wants and maybe it'll go away.

Like, kind of starve it of attention.

Okay, like,

no, because that's not a thing.

And it's bothering me.

Like, if you ignore it.

It might just go away.

And it definitely gets worse when we're podcasting because the bright lights like cannot be good for it.

That I do feel when I have a migraine.

It's just sometimes.

Honestly, I'm team, like you never let me turn my lights off, but I say, turn your lights off.

Turn them off.

I'm about to get an eye patch.

Like, I think I need to wear an eye patch for a few days.

Well, you should have done that a month ago.

By the way,

I think I said that I wanted to wear an eye patch and you were like.

Telling me not to because like you said I was just doing it so I could make it my personality.

Oh, well, you would be doing it to make it your personality, but but how are you gonna wear an eye patch and it not be your personality i need to go pick one up they sell them at the arm matey you should 100 the show could use an eye patch i'm always pro patch you are someone well yeah when someone's having like an eye issue like throw a patch on it that's hysterical it's hysterical and i also think eye patches like really work yeah no they do it's a reason why like it's one of those like medical remedies that's been around since the dawn of man right still around like it's it's like very simple physics let me see if i can order one on GoPuff.

I feel like we would have one.

Your eye needs a break.

Right.

Give it a break.

How about a patch?

No, that all.

Armatey, but you have to say our Metis.

I mean, the TikToks.

I'm going to go to the reels from the show.

I'm getting an eye patch.

You're so behind on the patch.

You know what, Julia?

Yeah, I was thinking the same.

You can Instagram one?

I think there's a Dwayne Reid on the corner.

Maybe we should just go grab one for immediate relief.

Yeah.

Let's have an eye patch by the end of the show.

An eye patch by the end of the show.

That's the goal.

Okay, by the way, now my eye even feels better just knowing there's a solution on the horizon.

Not me podcasting with a pirate.

Do we need any snacks while we're out at the pharmacy?

Get pirates booty.

No, we're good.

That's it.

Thank you.

But I thought you were going to take it all the way.

But

you're pirate persona.

Pirates wouldn't eat pirates' booty.

Pirates eat like their own shit.

Like they have nothing.

They have no resources.

They don't eat their own shit.

You know what I mean?

They're They're still human beings.

No, but they like,

aren't pirates like thieves?

Yeah, so they pillage the goods.

Right.

And when they fall on tough times, they eat their own poop.

No, that's not a thing.

Just like Theo did when he was really young.

We discovered he was malnourished because he was eating his own poop.

Do eating do.

That's sad, Theo.

So I am at this place in my healing where I cannot stop making video montages.

I just saw, I was watching one right before we started.

Like, I try and find the saddest song, and like, I just am so, like, I have so much content of Theo, like, even though he was only with us for six years, like, six years is a long time in life.

And he was such a beautiful, I know everyone's like, My dog is beautiful.

Yeah, sure.

My dog was exceptional looking.

Maybe one of the most beautiful dogs to ever grace the planet.

The way people would stare when he walked down the street.

Like, I knew he was special looking, and I know everyone says that, but, like, really, we all know Theo was like extraordinary looking, right?

Yeah, but I really, like, I feel the exact same way about Streisand.

Like, no, of course, everyone does.

And I really wonder if every dog parent thinks that their dog is the most beautiful thing to grace the world.

Yes.

But the difference between me and them is like, I think that, of course, because like I'm his mom, but also because it's true.

Like, right, but would all dog parents say the same?

Yes, because like I know that when I would walk Theo down the street, every single person would turn their head.

I walk past some dogs on the street, I don't give them a second look.

Like, right, no, same, but like, I, I, everything you're saying, I feel the same.

No, and by the way, I'm, Bruno is also very, very beautiful, but, and he's definitely more beautiful than most dogs, for sure, but he's not more beautiful than Theo.

Well, I, I, I don't want to get into this because it's just well, let me just get back to my point of why I brought it up.

Just I didn't mean to, you know, pit dogs against dogs, but, but

he's so beautiful.

I like spent so much of my life just filming him because I was aware of his beauty and in awe of it.

So I have found, you know, stitching those videos together and making little montages for my TikTok and my Instagram, I have found it to be really healing, honestly.

Like I go and find the saddest song.

Yesterday I made one to Rainbow by Casey Musgraves and that song, that one actually made me a little too sad because when we were in the waiting room, like I was singing to Theo and I started singing Rainbow from, not in the waiting room, sorry, in the actual like euthanization room.

I started singing Rainbow because I was like, what's the saddest song I can think of right now?

And that was it.

And the words were like very appropriate.

So that one, like, I kind of took the montaging, like I montaged too close to the sun.

Understood.

Well, I feel like it is kind of meant to be an emotional self-harm where you're just trying to like excavate and like poke at the wound to make it.

It's emotional self-harm, yes.

But I also think that is expediting the grieving process.

Like the more tears you cry, the sooner, the faster.

Like I feel like you

have to cry a certain amount of tears, like whatever the allotment is.

So if you get it all out sooner, you can move on.

I mean, I don't know if that's true, but I hope that it is.

Yesterday, I actually had a a fine day.

I only cried once when the tub is really triggering for me, but like I'm not giving up my tub.

When I got out of the tub, I started crying, but then I was fine.

Ben had a bad day yesterday.

Like he was really in it.

He like kind of snapped at me because I like asked him to go get me frozen yogurt.

And that's just like, that's our thing.

Like I ask for stuff and he brings it.

Like it's, we've never had an issue with like this whole setup.

Like it's perfect.

And he just kind of snapped at me.

And I didn't get mad because like I knew exactly, like he was just taking his anger out on me.

And I do that too.

So I wasn't even mad but i knew something was seriously wrong when he kind of you know

declined revolted against the order of our home right but it's like ben's not feeling like himself therefore he cannot perform typical ben duties i know but like i'm performing my typical duties like literally the other day i noticed ben was out of body wash or like about to be so i got a new body wash And I got like a new one.

I wanted to see if he would like it.

I got Nivea, you know, something different.

And he didn't say anything.

And I was like, By the way, do you like your new body wash?

He's like, Yeah, why?

I'm like, Did you want to say thank you?

Or like, did you wonder how this

body wash just falls from the sky?

You didn't know?

Yeah, I'm like, Did you wonder how this big full container of body wash got into your shower?

Let alone our home.

But I put it in the shower, too.

Oh, it fell down from the sky because God knew he needed more body wash.

So I haven't been more derelict in my duties.

So go get me ice cream.

Go get me ice cream.

But sometimes it's not tit for tat.

Sometimes one is down and the other leans supports.

Ben was down yesterday, so like I was kind of like the strong one, which I haven't been.

So he deserves it.

That's really beautiful, Turtle.

He needs time.

Then we watched Gossip Girl and it got us out of our funk.

Loving watching Gossip Girl.

It's been very healing as well.

Well, that's all I hope for you, Turdy Lou, is healing.

One day at a time.

One day at a time.

That's what they say.

And it really is true.

You take it day by day.

You really do.

And now I think I'm at the point where I'm like really itching for another dog.

Like I feel like something's missing.

And of course that thing thing is Theo, but knowing that I could partially fill that hole,

I'm like, why am I, why aren't I doing that?

You will.

Like you're literally going away next week.

Like give yourself a second.

Me and Ben were also thinking about names.

How fun.

How fun.

I would love some suggestions.

I gave you two amazing suggestions.

What was it?

Sheffield.

Sheffield, yeah.

Well, Jackie gave me the idea to, because the thing about Theo, and I loved Theo's name, but it's actually a name like I might consider one day for a child.

And the fact that I took it for a dog and took it out of the running.

It was too real.

So Jackie was like, why don't you choose a name that you would never use?

Like maybe a name from a TV show.

So that got me thinking about shows that me and Ben have been obsessed with.

You suggested Sheffield from the nanny, which I love.

And I also suggested Harvey from Suits.

Oh, well, you, I suggested Harvey, but you gave me the platform to suggest Harvey.

Really?

Yeah.

Because I wish our FaceTimes were recorded because

how this show is because I have no recourse.

I know, but I also really want to figure out a way to name him after Lewis Litt, but what am I going to name my dog Lewis?

You can't even spell Lewis or pronounce it most of the time.

That's so true, Louie.

And then you'll be like, Louie, even though I do like the name, you would have to spell it L-E-W-I-S, so there's no confusion.

Confusion, yeah, but that's no offense to anyone listening with that name.

Like, that's an ugly name.

Stop.

Not if it was for your boy.

Yeah.

So, any name suggestions?

Maybe Dorota if we get a girl, you know?

If you get a girl, that's cute.

But I do want a boy, but

I'll take what I I can get.

So I'm trying to think from your other.

I've got it.

I've got it.

Are you ready to

Sheldon?

Shelly.

Shelly.

Dad.

Shelly.

Shelly Sheldon.

Well, that reminds me, yesterday was probably one of the craziest days of my life because of Jackie.

So every year on Patreon, we do this one episode, and it's called The Vast Five, where we basically do a recap of the year, where we do our top five

fast five of our favorite albums, songs, TV shows that we watched, books that we read.

And it's just kind of a nice way to end the year recap thinking about all the things we went through this year, all the things we watched this year, all the things we consume this year.

So we recorded it yesterday.

It was great.

And Jackie gets up from her chair.

We're sitting just like this.

Jackie gets up from her chair and she's like, oh my God.

And my first thought was, oh, she was pumping during the episode.

So she probably got up and like forgot her nipple things were on and like spilled the milk everywhere, which is like liquid gold.

I'm like, oh, fuck, that sucks.

I really felt for you in that moment.

But what came out of your mouth next was so much fucking worse than that.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I wasn't recording.

My eye was twitching.

I was like, you weren't recording?

Now, in that moment, I had two options.

I could have been like so mad.

And I think I would have had every right to be.

But a part of being a podcaster is this happens.

Like whether you like it or not, whether you have the best technology, whether you have a thousand people in the room, this just happens.

So I don't know when the last time it happened to me was, but I know it'll happen to me in the future.

Maybe, you know, tomorrow, maybe in five years.

I know my time is coming.

And I want grace.

And I want someone to, you know, not hate me, even though they have every right to.

You shall have grace.

I actually feel like I remember, we've never had, we've never done a whole episode and not had it.

We've sometimes done like half an episode in someone's garage banquets when we used to do like our old remote setups.

So we'd have to start like 30 minutes in.

Yeah, that's like the last time that that happened.

I also remember when we first got our that like, it's called a Zoom box.

Remember when we used to do Patreon episodes with those mics?

Like half the time it wasn't recording.

It was like not there.

So it's been a very long time since we've had that feeling.

I was literally doing so much yesterday and today, like I'm just booked every minute and I'm like always just doing like two things at once.

So I was pumping and podcasting and something slipped through the cracks and like, I just,

I didn't,

if you were mad that we had to do it again like I'm doubly mad like I had this hour carved out yeah

we have to do it again

and it was we did do it again it wasn't so bad the thing is is sometimes we do an episode that like really we got magic in a bottle like we just randomly went on a tangent ended up with like the funniest little bit and I actually did love my performance in that first episode my eye was twitching and I was feeling really sad about theo so i was just kind of like letting the podcast happen around me and i wasn't that upset about the content that we lost.

I was just obviously upset about the energy I exerted for that and then having to do it again.

So of all the podcasts you have to like have lost.

Yeah.

And as we were saying on the episode, like for that episode in particular, we make an outline where we like do, and we never have an outline for a show.

We never have a script, but like we just had to like go through the outline again.

So it was.

The best episode to have to lose, but oh my God.

And then we inadvertently wound up podcasting for three and a half hours yesterday because we did three hour plus episodes.

yeah but the thing is

it happens and

you know it will happen to me i i would rather have been you in this situation not the one who's at fault just the i guess yeah that's like the one can i just be a victim yeah i guess it was for victimhood i was the victim right like you just everyone feeling sorry for you mad at me

Well, we ended up recording an even better episode.

So everything happens the way that it was meant to happen.

And that episode is now available on the Patreon.

If you're looking for our year at a glance, check that out.

That'll be great.

Today's Tuesday, so we've just got good stories, correct?

Yeah, yeah, three strong, two weak.

Oh, you know, we talked about this on the scrapped Patreon, but we haven't talked about it on the regular toast.

And I actually do want to get your take on it because there has been some drama in the UK, London, British drama between Molly Mae and Tommy Fury.

I had seen it on TikTok unfolding.

Essentially, like a couple of weeks ago, this video got got posted and it went super viral.

Tommy was out of town, so like Molly's at home with the baby, and Tommy was at a club.

And somebody like did a video just panning of the booth and all the people in the booth at this club.

And weirdly, Chris Brown was there, and the next to him was Tommy Fury.

And in the video, he appears just being like playful with a young gal.

Now, he wasn't kissing, nothing outright wrong, but it was like flirty, playful.

He gave her like a little push, like, ah,

and then the video moved away from them.

And obviously, the internet went into a tailspin because so many people, like you, like stand these two.

They like think they're the best, most in love couple.

I don't know that much about them.

I really only know what I know through you.

But give me your take.

I need to find the video because I didn't.

I'll send it to you right now.

I didn't really know about this until Claudia told me.

Someone messaged me, like, did you see the Molly Tommy drama?

And because I hadn't seen anything, I just assumed like because they weren't together for a long period of time, people assumed there was drama.

So, Claudia told me there's this

thing of his, you know, being.

But based on everything that, like, I think that i know about them like i have a lot of faith in the bedrock of their relationship and he really i mean i would be shocked at anyone are we like on a face time oh oh my god i'm not okay what because on my phone it says i can join this face time so i literally go on face time so i said are we on a face time we are

Wait, watch a video.

And then as you watch a video, I have to correct one thing I said yesterday when we were recapping.

Oh, you see it?

No, this is nothing.

And if I was Tommy, like, that girl is annoying.

Oh, okay.

Jackie says it's nothing.

It's nothing.

I mean, the thing is, like, why is he out at a club when he's like barely at home?

Because he's always training.

So it's like, if you're not training, like, you're

home.

Now, he also is a brand ambassador for a lot of things.

So maybe these are part of his duties of going to events and stuff.

But that girl, like, taking his face and pushing him, like, maybe I'm just someone who hates having my face touched, but like.

The restraint this man is showing, like, get the fuck out of my face, ho.

Okay, Jackie says that.

That's the vibe I see.

Jackie says it's nothing.

Like, Like this girl's being like thirsty and annoying and he's giving, he gave her nothing.

Okay, that's that on that.

But I'm also, you know, a Molly Tommy apologist.

I go hard for my favorite chips and I can often be wrong and in denial.

Do you want to hear the craziest thing?

Just look at me.

Don't look at anything else.

Okay.

If you had to guess how long we've been podcasting this morning, how long would you say we've been talking?

Oh, I guess I did just look at the clock, but I would have said 10 minutes.

We're already at 17 minutes.

Like, that really flew by.

Time is a social construct.

Yeah.

So, I guess we did have the whole eye patch thing.

I think Molly and Tommy are okay.

I think it's like an embarrassing look for Molly.

And then you were saying, like, people are talking about how like Molly's life is totally changed since she had the baby and Tommy's really hasn't.

I think they're okay.

Like, the way that Tommy talks about her, the things that he has said, I, I think he's a faithful man.

I really do.

And I,

I would be shocked if there's any fire near this smoke.

Okay.

Now, I really quickly wanted to correct myself something I said yesterday when I was going off about my football rant.

I mixed up two things when we were talking about Patrick Mahomes.

So I was telling the story about how he was being like a big cry baby and going up to the quarterback afterwards and like, you know, crying about the call and the flag.

And I said Travis did that.

I meant Patrick.

I just got the names confused, but it was Patrick.

I just wanted to correct that.

And the Lar played the Ravens, not the Lack, even though they're the same thing to me.

The eye patch has arrived.

Armatey, Turdy Loo.

Oh, we got two different options.

Ooh, okay.

We have the traditional, you know, black on a string, but then they make new breathable

ones with no string.

No.

Black on a string.

Black on a string.

Like, it's giving SpongeBob.

It's like the mousetrap.

Like, you can't build a better mousetrap.

You cannot build a better eye patch.

Okay, I'm taking my headphones off.

One second.

Okay.

Turdy is putting on her eye patch.

Our Matey.

She's having a difficult time, but I think it's gonna.

Oh, there it goes.

Okay.

Gorgeousness.

I mean, like, make sure you're comfortable because I'm not.

Right.

You don't look comfortable.

I think it's kind of upside down.

Okay, I was thinking it's upside down too.

Hold on.

Yeah, the string.

I wish she could hear me because

the double string.

Double string.

Okay.

The double string.

Yeah.

You did it on the same way.

I did.

I think so.

But is there two strings?

No.

There's just one?

I'm okay.

I just now I'm learning.

I don't think my right eye has very good eyesight.

Give it a second to adjust.

It's never been on its own before.

Also,

am I supposed to keep my eye closed in this thing?

I think it's dealer's choice.

Whatever is more comfortable comfortable for your eye as it takes its little hiatus.

Okay.

It just doesn't look right or comfortable or sustainable.

And we need it to sustain because we've got a lot to do today.

We haven't even cracked the fast five stories.

So she's, yeah, there are double string.

It is double string.

There's not double strings.

Okay.

That looks better.

How does that look?

That looks much better.

Okay.

Yeah, because the string is like more parallel.

I have a question for you.

At such an angle, yes.

Are you ready, kids?

Aye, aye, turdy.

I can't hear you.

Aye, aye, turdy.

Oh.

Oh, without further ado, to do to do.

It is time for the fast five stories that you need to know.

Oh, God, I got one eye.

Okay, ready?

Mm-hmm.

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Yet Welks.

Our first story, Zach Efron finally gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I feel like we manifested this.

We're always talking about his accolades, his

canon, his body of work, his catalog.

So he got his star.

He made a really sweet speech, thanking everyone who helped him along the way, including Kenny Ortega, High School Musical, Go Wildcats, Matthew Perry.

No, it was teen again.

It was the perfect culmination of not only Zach Efron's career, but like of pop culture.

Like I always find it so interesting who people bring to speak on their behalf to the Hollywood Walk of Fame thing.

Like usually people bring other celebrities.

So him having Miles Teller, Jeremy Allen White, like, okay, he just wanted to collect like the hottest men of Hollywood and have them there.

Love that for him.

What is he?

Oh, Miles Teller, he did that awkward moment with.

Oh, i was wondering how they knew each other that's it i forgot about that i forgot about that too i'm glad that they remained friends because they played such good friends in the movie i wonder if they're still close with michael b jordan too oh i wonder that um

i couldn't figure out how miles teller knew him so thank you and then jeremy allen white and him are in a movie that's coming out soon about wrestlers Oh, I didn't know that either.

I was like, I wonder how this band of brothers got together, but I just figured when you all live in Hollywood and you're all so hot, you just find your way to one another.

Yeah, you would think, but I feel like it doesn't happen as often as it should.

Well, this is a moment where just like things are right in the world, and I appreciate that.

I loved his speech.

I loved, loved, loved that he brought Kenny Ortega because I feel like, you know, out of all the high school musical people, he acknowledges the franchise the least.

Some of them acknowledge it too much.

Yeah.

And sometimes you wonder, like, does he hate it?

But like him putting respect on Kenny's name, on the franchise for obviously catapulting him to fame, I just, I thought this was so beautiful.

And then him mentioning Matthew Perry was so sweet, like so

unnecessary, honestly.

I don't think anybody would have said anything if he didn't, but it was really sweet.

Yeah, no, he really hit every point.

I didn't see the whole speech, so like, I do need to know if he mentioned like Greatest Showman and Hairspray, but I didn't see any headlines about it.

But he also said he sings high school musical songs in the shower, and he said, quote, go Wildcats.

Now, let me ask you a question.

In your opinion, what is Zach Efron's greatest film/slash cinematic achievement?

In my opinion, objectively or subjectively?

In your opinion.

As Zach Efron or the movie that he's in.

Like

his role?

Zach Efron.

Okay, so not Philip Carlisle and Greatest Showman, honestly.

Even though Greatest Showman was the best one.

I have to look at the catalog, Turdi.

I need to do my research.

I need to educate myself.

Because I think I would say hairspray.

I'm tempted to, but I want to just make sure.

he should have had nikki blonsky there he should have had nikki blonsky there that's the way it would be

high school musical oh yeah yeah yeah sorry like three troy bolton

doing the most high school musical

okay she said what she said i i think i'm gonna stick with hairspray but i also just want i feel like there's one or two other movies that i'm forgetting musicals no just good neighbors he was very popular for i saw that.

I blew right past it.

I feel like this eye patch is impacting my ability to speak.

I don't notice a difference.

Okay, I feel like I'm literally stuttering.

I feel like he was in something

really good.

Hold on.

He was in Baywatch, not really good.

That was probably a low point for him.

Dead.

Maybe not.

Perhaps not.

But he has a very impressive.

Oh, yeah, like Mike and Dave Need Wedding Day set.

I'm just breezing past all these things.

He was in, you know, the lucky one.

I think think that's Nicholas Sparks.

He's in a lot of things, but his best work remains

high school musical.

I love him.

And then Hairspray and then Greatest Showman.

Now, I hate to be one of these people because it's just rude, but I am curious.

Do you know what I'm going to say?

Why does he look so different?

Like, I hate when people are like, who is that?

Especially with, like, women.

But, like, he does look so different.

I feel like every once in a while, there's like a picture of him that's like, oh, my God, that's Zach Evron.

But at his.

So, Jackie, he does look incredibly different.

Walk of fame.

Yeah, he looks a little different, but not as like,

for lack of a better word, crazy, as some of those pictures.

Yeah, yeah.

But, like, what happened?

He's had some work done, okay?

He has had some work done done.

He's got a little crazy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Listen, we've all been there.

But to me, he's like still the most, like, the most eligible, handsome man on the planet.

Oh,

I love him.

I love him too,

but he's not.

No, I love him.

And he just like keeps beefing up.

Yeah.

I need him to like get his ass back to the theater.

Like I need him to do more musicals.

I know, but he's doing like his big hunky roles right now.

And he also did like

that Netflix show where he almost died.

Right.

He's really into that wilderness stuff, like bear grills.

Yeah.

Go back to dancing.

Put your tap shoes on, Zach.

I just love that he still has love for it.

Even though he's a man of the wilderness now,

he will always look back fondly on his days of

dancing.

And your Hollywood Walk of Fame really is supposed to be a culmination of your entire career.

So I do feel like he really nailed it with having Kenny Ortega there, which is a nod to his dancing shoes.

Having Miles Taylor there, which is like a nod to those movies.

He made a bunch of movies that were all really similar, like rom-com vibes.

Yeah.

And

Jeremy Allen White to the future, you know?

Yeah.

Past, present, and future.

Yeah.

He has a brother that looks familiar.

Is he an actor?

No, but he's always like going viral for having a brother.

That's funny.

Wait, no, he has an IMDb.

Which doesn't mean he's famous.

He's a producer and executive.

Okay, so he's not in front of the...

Oh, he worked on Zach's show Down to Earth with the Zach Efron.

It's so cute.

Siblings who work together.

Maybe we'll be them for Halloween.

Okay.

Shout out, Zach.

I love Zach Efron.

Like, I just, I just love him.

No, I love him.

That's what I'm saying.

You know what I would love?

What?

Memoirs of an Efron.

I feel like he has a lot to say.

And I feel like he's experienced real peaks and valleys in his career.

Like from the, from after

high school musical to, you know, all the movies we've just remarked on, I feel like there was highs and lows.

And a lot of times where he's had to reinvent himself.

Yes.

Where he probably also felt very like pigeonholed and typecast is like this teeny bopper.

And then he tries to be the rom-com guy and he did that successfully.

And now he wants to be like the leading man, buff, indie guy, doing that successfully.

Yeah, no, that's such a good point.

I just feel like he probably, and he's also just been A-list for a really long time, and that always makes a good memoir, a memoir.

I did finish Keenan Thompson's memoir last night.

I can't lie.

I did skim through like a bunch of it.

It

when he got to his SNL stuff, it was really, really interesting.

Also, just like little tidbits about SNL, like how much you make, everyone signs a seven-year contract and they can let you go at any time.

But if you, if they keep you on, like every year, you get like a little incremental raise.

And then after your seventh year, I think is when you can like make a lot of money.

But like a lot of the castmates have, like, they subsidize their

salary.

No, I mean, not, most of them aren't

movie material.

So they do like stand-up and like, you know, comedy and different, they write different things, anything that doesn't conflict with SNL.

But a lot of like the early years where you're not as famous, you're not making a lot of money and you can't really do huge projects like movies.

Yeah, but I feel like when an SNL person is making a movie, it's like they get all SNL people.

Like a lot of the SNL cast members, they all kind of like ride together and they're supporting actors in a lot of different movies.

Like I feel like there are roles for you.

And opportunities like just abound when you sign on to SNL.

So my takeaway from Keenan's book is I don't don't know if I would recommend it.

He is a PJOM.

He's so, and I think that makes, that's what makes his book like not super, super interesting.

He's just like a really normal, really nice guy.

Now he's at the stage of his life where he's really just a family man.

He's trying to get healthy.

You know, it's not like titillating, you know, no one's doing cocaine or, you know.

Or he's just not telling about it.

No, he says, like, he's, when he says when he smoked pot, he's just like, I'm not like that.

Like at SNL, I mean.

Oh, not him.

It doesn't seem like he's, you know, no, he's really sweet.

He grew up like very normal, too, you know?

Um, so there wasn't like crazy, like, I always compare to like Jessica Simpson, like the way she grew up was so nuts, you know.

There wasn't any of that.

He just like loved his family, his family loved him, really supportive, mom, dad, and brother, really supportive community in Atlanta.

So it was like nice, but boring.

Got it.

That's good.

Boring is good.

Yeah.

Boring is good.

That's like, I think he, he probably has like the most healthy work-life balance of anyone in Hollywood.

You hope so.

Yeah, that's what his Uber drivers say.

So

are you ready for our next story?

His book did corroborate what a lot of my Uber drivers have said.

I would hope so.

I would hope that his book would make him look like a good guy.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Are you ready for our next story?

Vanderpump World's trailer just dropped.

Did you watch it?

I did.

I mean, everyone's talking about that one thing.

Tom Schwarzschena.

Oh, no.

Lala.

I don't know someone who gets broken up with and becomes God.

Well, I didn't see anyone talking about that.

I watched the trailer like right before we recorded and that line just stuck with me.

It's true.

Okay.

Okay.

So everyone is saying like, it's giving jealous because, you know, Randall cheated on you and you didn't become God and you didn't go dancing with this.

I didn't even think that.

What I was thinking, it's like, well, Lolly, you're one of the people who like made her God.

Like all of the cast members are like, Ariana, literally God is queen.

Yeah.

And God is a woman.

Now you're mad that everyone's treating her like God when like you were treating her like God.

For sure, but I like, I kind of agree with what she's saying.

Like it is insane what happened to Ariana when Ariana got cheated on, which is horrible.

But like so many people get cheated on and don't make millions of dollars.

Yeah, no, when she said that, I was like, oh, wow, someone's saying it.

And it's Lala who's like obsessed with her.

She must be really like on one.

Right, but she's like hyping her up.

So how do we get it?

Hyping her up.

Right.

Like, and everybody was doing that.

And now I guess they're mad about it.

I didn't even think about the Lala being cheated on thing.

Maybe I'm just like naive and I trust people's intentions, but I don't think that's what she meant.

But from an outsider's perspective, I can understand how haters would be like, you're just jealous.

Jealous, right?

I don't think she's jealous.

I mean, I might be.

Yeah, but I feel like Lala got her pound of flesh from Scandal.

Lala capitalized probably the most out of anyone with the podcast, Send It to Daryl.

Yeah.

Because Ariana wasn't speaking out and she was letting people like.

And everyone gave it their best effort to monetize and capitalize on Scandinavia.

And I think that at the end of the day, if you look at the balance sheet, Lala did the best after our

outside of the principal characters.

Right.

Yeah.

So.

Sheena did good too.

So I feel like things have to probably have hit a fever pitch for like Lala to be complaining about it.

That was tea to me.

Also then the fact that

Schwartz apparently one time made out with Sheena in Vegas when he was dating Katie.

It seems like, but this could also just be what the trailer is making it seem like.

It seems like that might cause an issue between Brock and Sheena because I guess that'd be kind of weird if you've made out with someone in your friend group and you never told your husband.

Yeah.

I don't know.

With this particular, like, and for normal people, yes.

With this particular group, I don't know.

I don't know if that's the reason why they're fighting on the sidewalk.

Also, there's a woman who is in a love triangle with Katie and Schwartz.

She's kissing both of them.

Oh, I missed that.

Right?

That's what I thought I saw.

Oh, that's interesting.

And what about Timothy Chalamay?

Who's that?

Katie?

No.

Timothy Chalamay.

Who's that?

Sandoval?

Timothy Chalamay from last season.

Oh, Satchel?

Satchel.

I forgot his name.

How could you forget Satchel?

I just thought that he looked like Timothy Chalamay.

Satchel is nowhere to be found, unfortunately.

Rot.

And that's why the season doesn't have what it takes.

And that's why the season will not be winning in Emmy.

The thing is, this season actually looks pretty good.

I mean, considering how do we have anything interesting to talk about after Scandoval, there looks to be like some dumb typical stuff of like, why are Ariana and Tom living together?

Why is Tom filming?

Oh, we're drawing a line in the sand, blah, blah.

So Ariana was on Watch Hoppens Live explaining why they live together.

They own the house.

They both paid for it.

She wants to sell it.

He refuses.

So she is now in the legal process of trying to force him to buy her out.

because he's forcing her to stay there.

Like, you bought a house and you're not going to live there.

Like, that's your life savings.

No, I.

But she did say for the last couple of months while being on Dancing with the Stars, because you filmed somewhere else, she's been living in like an Airbnb.

I like agree on principle.

Yeah, that's your money's in the house, but like, how are you living in the same?

Like, even if you have to go stay with a friend and concede the house, just so you can, like, start your life with, I couldn't look at that person every day.

For sure.

I also have to imagine like a lawyer would advise you not to leave the house.

Yeah.

And then also, she said something about you took my house and

I'm going to have my house and my and my children.

Did they make embryos?

They had started.

They were talking about it.

They did something.

She froze her eggs, but did they make embryos?

I don't know.

Cause then she.

As far as I knew, they did not make it to the embryo stage.

But if she's saying that and they have embryos together, that's crazy.

And then that's, you know, Sophia Vergara.

That's like a long legal road.

Yeah.

And it's like, does she have eggs that aren't part of those embryos?

Oh my God, that would suck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

The thing is, I wanna, this is just not even based on the trailer, just based on what we know.

I do think this season,

I would say, like the last season, while obviously that's when Scandinav happened, I felt like they dropped the ball in a lot of places in terms of like footage and just filming.

And so I think there's actually a lot more potential for this season.

Yeah, the aftermath, like

what?

I think that based on the trailer, like we have a season, a good one for sure yeah for sure

so that's exciting and it comes out the end of January so like a little over a month away that's not bad not terrible no because they released the Bridgerton trailer uh for May well that's a great segue to our next story Bridgerton season three sets a two-part premiere in spring of 2024 but this is what we get for the strike spring don't be giving me seven monthly time for a trailer nobody needs that for a TV show I agree Bridgerton is returning to Netflix in 2024 with the third season of the period drama waltzing onto streaming in two parts.

The first four episodes will premiere on May 16th and the next four will be available to stream on June 13th.

Don't even, I'm not getting started on not bingeable content after they conditioned us to be binge-watching content.

No, and it's like June 2024.

Like, I don't know who I'll be then.

I don't know where I'll be.

Like, this is insane.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying like they're not moving quick enough.

Like, I understand the strike really

competed there.

Keep Keep it under wraps then.

No, it's insane.

And the trailer was like such bullshit.

They used like a bunch of social media TikToks talking about Bridgerton with like three scenes from the actual season because they don't even have it filmed yet.

Why are they doing this?

I don't know.

There has to be a reason.

It was like a fake trailer.

What are they worried about?

That we're going to forget about Bridgerton?

I guess

that's weird.

There's something.

Something is afoot.

You think it's my eye patch?

No, I think your eye patch is amazing.

Is it helping?

No,

not at all.

But I like who I am.

I think it gives the show another layer and dimension that we need.

And think about our clips from today.

People are going to be like, why is Turdy wearing an eye patch?

Like, the engagement will be off the charts.

Agreed.

We have to only clip from eye patch on.

Off the charts.

Oh, off the charts.

Very good, Jax.

Very good.

Thank you.

Are you ready for our next story?

It's our fourth story.

It's our fourth story?

It's our fourth story.

No, I'm not ready.

I didn't think you were ready, but I thought that's getting ready.

You should get ready.

Ready.

Today's fourth and fifth stories are brought to you by Hatch.

Oh, I just love the hatch, even though today I had such a problem with my hatch because Ben made me set it so early.

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His balls will be singing, baby, it's cold outside.

Our next story is.

The weather outside is weather.

Our next story

is forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Thank you.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Prince William and Kate Middleton's kids look so grown up in the 2023 Royal Family Christmas card.

Have you seen the pic?

I have.

I've also seen Charlotte is getting roasted.

What?

Okay.

I can't even give that black.

Not for this picture.

Not for this picture.

Also, a bit of what seems to be a Photoshop fail in the picture.

Did you see this of Prince Louis's finger?

Oh, I'm on my way.

I don't know what

I can't imagine they would really need to like Photoshop these pictures.

Maybe he had like a snack in it.

That was the only way they would like get him to stand still.

He's a kid.

Maybe.

That's true.

And we also know that he's, you know, not.

He's a little rascal.

He's a little rascal.

But you have to see the kids look so grown up.

It's shocking.

And the world is shocked.

Like that, these pictures are like going viral.

People can't believe how big these kids are now.

So let me take a look.

But also, let me tell you why Charlotte's getting roasted because she did like a holiday event with like an official, you know, know, family thing.

She's wearing the same coat she wore last holiday.

But I feel like people like that.

They do.

They do.

I'm kidding.

It shows that they're relatable.

Oh, he's missing a finger.

He's missing a finger, it seems.

That's like really obvious.

Yeah.

This is like a gorgeous photo.

First of all, these kids are just.

But also, Claudia, if you zoom in like really, really close, it kind of looks like his finger is like taped down.

Maybe they had to tape him to the chair.

L-O-L.

I don't know what's going on with the finger, but let's look past that for a while.

Let's look past that because it's distracting.

This is so modern, you know, it's so edgy and very like editorial.

It's very the opposite of everything we get from them, which is so traditional and like kind of stuffy.

But at the end of the day, this is just giving Calvin Klein.

It is giving Calvin Klein, but it's still just like a family portrait.

You know, like it's really not that crazy, but it does feel modern.

I can't get over George and Charlotte.

Like, he looks like King George.

Like, he's kingly.

He looks really like his father did at that age with the big hair.

Like, it's amazing he has no hair left.

He should get on that monoxidil stat.

He's a very, very handsome young man.

He's going to grow up to be, you know, really, really something beautiful.

Yeah, but he's also just like becoming a young man.

And no, and his pose, he's like, he looks like a person.

Yeah, no, he's a person now.

And this Charlotte is such a beauty.

Oh, like, they're just a beautiful family.

And I'm just surprised at like the regularity of this Christmas card.

Like, I feel like I got this one in the mail from someone I know.

You know, it's so simple.

Yeah, but so elegant.

But so elegant.

There's something so elegant about it.

Very refined.

I love, I don't know if I've ever seen Kate Middleton in jeans.

She looks great.

They all look great.

And she's just got hair.

Like, she is hair.

Yeah.

Her hair is gorgeous.

It's shiny.

Happy for that.

10 out of 10, honestly.

Oh, and people are saying, you know, that it's a nod to Princess Diana.

She loved, you know, a button down and some jeans.

That sucks.

I feel like like everybody's always saying everything is a nod to Diana.

It's not really like button down and jeans is like classic family picture look.

Yeah.

It's very American, though.

Don't you agree?

Yeah.

I'm not complaining, but.

Plus, like the sneakers on the kids.

So cute.

This is really

10 out of 10.

10s across the board.

I have no notes.

I have no notes.

I agree.

And I have notes for everything.

Our fifth and final story is a little crazy inheritance news.

Oh my God, please be about me.

No.

Unfortunately, it's not.

The heir to Air Maze is awarding

his $11 billion fortune to his 51-year-old gardener.

Obsessed.

80-year-old billionaire Nicholas Pooch, scion of the iconic fashion dynasty Air Maze, is allegedly orchestrating a staggering succession saga that involves adopting his 51-year-old gardener.

Pooch, who's unmarried and without children, plans to legally designate his former gardener and handyman from a modest Moroccan family as his rightful heir, as reported by a Swiss publication.

This unorthodox move to pass on his immense wealth and real estate properties to his gardener has sparked intense speculation.

Hooch, who's a fifth generation descendant of Thierry's heir maze, who laid the foundation for the luxury fashion house in 1837, commands a considerable share in the now $220 billion valued company, ranking among Switzerland's wealthiest individuals.

Allegedly, he has initiated legal proceedings supported by a formidable legal team to formalize the gardener's adoption, which forms a crucial part of his revised estate plans.

How old is this man?

The gardener is 51.

The heir is 80.

Okay.

The gardener is reportedly married to a woman from Spain with two children of their own and stands to inherit a significant portion of the fortune, which includes acquiring substantial properties in Marrakech and Switzerland, valued at $5.9 million.

Now, what's the speculation?

As to the motivation.

Yeah, you said there was speculation.

Oh, well, so

if you look at Pooch's history, it provides a glimpse into the motivation behind this atypical choice for his heir.

A bitter rift emerged in 2014 when LVMH acquired a substantial stake in Air Maze, sparking an acrimonious battle within the family.

Pooch's departure from the company's board amid this turmoil signaled irreparable discord with his kin.

He resigned because he felt he is for years beleaguered by members of his family who have attacked him on several fronts.

Oof.

Oh, his victim mentality.

His unconventional plan faces formidable challenges, navigating complex legal hurdles for an adult adoption, an exceedingly rare occurrence in Switzerland.

Reports suggest requirements for such adoptions demand a prior relationship during the adoptee's minor years.

I don't think that happened here.

He had previously committed his fortune to the Isocrates Foundation, established by him to combat misinformation.

Attempts.

That's vague.

Now he's trying to retract this pledge, which might trigger a legal battle akin to past family feuds.

This guy kind of sounds like a mess.

Yeah, no, like he's just like always changing his mind, and the law is reason-free from passion.

Which is why he started the iSocrates foundation.

Yeah, I don't know.

That foundation is giving me goosebumps, not in a good way.

Like,

I just like.

It's very general.

The, oh, the, oh, the foundation for misinformation.

Combating misinformation, like, in what sense?

Yeah, it's weird.

I'd like I'd rather the gardener have it.

Yeah, of course.

But also if you're so willy-nilly with your fortune, like break it up.

Give some to Socrates.

Give some to me.

Give some to the gardener.

I think like give some to the poor.

I don't think the gardener was going to get everything, but he was going to get a lot.

And I think in order to give it to him, he has to adopt him, which is just kind of funny.

That is weird that you can't just give your money to whoever you want to.

Maybe not when you have like family ties who are ready to snatch it back from you because they already were pushing you out, probably because you're a weirdo.

Yeah, no, he definitely sounds like he's the problem.

100%.

Yeah.

And is he dying or he's just making plans for the future?

I think making plans.

I didn't see anything about his state because then also

that would be called into question, like, you know, if he wasn't doing well, now he was wanting to adopt a 50-year-old.

Like, grandpa's lost his family.

He'll have to make a video testament.

Like, I am of sound mind.

Yeah.

Today, December 12th, 2023, I have bequeathed.

No, first, I have, I'm adopting my gardener.

Right, right.

I thought when you were saying, like,

that his motives are suspicious, like, there's, you know, theories and rumors that they're lovers.

But then I'm like, he works in fashion.

Why would anybody care if he's gay?

Yeah.

So maybe that's not it.

Maybe they're not lovers.

I don't think so.

But this is interesting.

And you know what?

It's beautiful.

I hope this gardener gets the money.

I love that.

For his family and his children.

Right, and his legacy.

Yeah.

Where does the guy live now?

Switzerland.

Got it.

Okay.

Huh.

Yeah.

And he doesn't have any children?

No.

Not married.

Nothing.

Hmm.

Well, he will have a child when he adopts his gardener.

Oh, well, now he has a child.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah.

The adoption is just...

It's just weird that that's the law, but I guess it kind of makes sense.

And it's just like funny that it's called adoption when it's a 50-year-old.

It's actually so true.

Can you adopt a non-minor?

I, well, like, one, what's the point, you know, because

they could just choose to.

Some people do it for sentimentality.

Like, I see that on TikTok sometimes.

Like, someone's stepfather when they're 23, like, decides to just adopt them because, like, legally, it's like a meaningful thing, not like anything else.

That's sweet.

But,

yeah.

It says here, there's Swiss law that, like, unless you had a relationship as a minor, you might not actually even be allowed to adopt a grown man.

Oh.

So the law is not reason free from passion.

Well,

it is reason free from passion because this would be his passion.

Right.

I guess Aristotle is always right when he spoke those immortal words.

Yeah.

Okay.

Those are the past five.

Armati.

And I want to say, I don't think this eye patch is helping like in the slightest.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You want to know why?

Like, I needed something.

Oh, you know what?

I'm so dumb.

Hold on.

I wonder what it is.

Because the thing I was feeling about the eye patch was that it's like not forcing my eye shut.

You have to put that in the patch.

Oh, yeah, there's like a hundred in here.

Okay.

Okay.

My mascara is going to go everywhere.

It's okay.

The show's over.

It's a band-aid for your eye.

My bad.

Eyebrows out.

Band-aid for your eye.

Yeah, this definitely, this seals it shut.

My God, so much better.

I'm so dumb.

Okay.

Better late than never.

Okay, turdy out.

Ahoy, bitches.

Thanks for listening to today's episode.

Oh my god, it feels so much better.

Like you can hear it in my voice.

Oh,

all right, tomorrow.

Keep your patch in this video.

Yeah, of course.

Patch for the the rest of the week.

I love it.

Not even modern solutions.

Right.

Archaic solutions for the win here.

For modern woman.

Archaic solutions for the modern woman.

A book by Jackie Ostre.

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Ahoy, Metis.

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All right, love you.

Bye.