S5 Ep56: Chopping the Tarts: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

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Good morning, millennials.

Welcome back to the morning toast.

Happy Wednesday.

It is hump day!

So don't forget to hump someone you love.

Speaking of someone I love, I am joined for the third consecutive day in a row, which is so sickening given the fact she just gave birth.

It's Jackie Yellow, O.

Morning Toast, original recipe.

Original recipe.

Hey, guys, happy to be here.

It's really catching up with me.

Like, it's a little too much too soon.

Oh, really?

But I'm happy to do it.

This is such a big week, so I'm running on adrenaline, running on

steamy vibes, running on N-Log.

You're running on steamy vibes.

I am feeling quite steamy because it's always warm in here.

It is always warm in here.

We've got to fix it.

And we're always wearing sweatshirts and leggings and Air Force Ones.

and twinnings.

We're literally wearing the same

clowns.

Again, this is like embarrassing.

I know.

What's with us?

I guess it's the the Air Force Ones.

I know, because like they're just such great shoes that you have to wear it with a crew neck.

Yeah.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

And we're just always wearing crew necks.

And I just have decided until I'm where I want to be in life, physically, mentally, and emotionally, it's just going to be a sweatshirt from me.

I don't care what month it is.

Like I tried the first time I came into the studio to like put together an outfit because I was like,

ready?

So excited.

And I looked horrific.

And so now I'll just be covering everything until I'm ready to show you guys more.

You're like literally literally going to do a full reveal in like six months.

Six months.

Yeah.

Well, we've got a great show for you guys today.

Today.

It's Wednesday.

And we've got dear toasters.

We also have an update from someone who wrote in about something particularly vile.

So that'll be exciting.

Jaggie did not watch the Real House Face of New Jersey reunion part one because she has a child and cryogenic.

I'm sorry, you guys.

It was like hanging over my head all night.

And I woke up in the middle of the night to pump and I was like, I could watch it now, but then I didn't want to wake my mind up because I needed to go back to sleep.

It's not worth it.

It was only part one.

Like, no, it was part three, maybe.

Perhaps, but I was really excited to watch it.

And I just didn't want to rush it.

Like, I want to watch it when I want to watch it.

It was really good.

And I have a lot of thoughts.

I feel like it really.

And what my main takeaway is, we haven't even spoken about this, how it's been widely reported.

I think it's like pretty much true that Jackie Goldschneider was demoted to friend of.

I just, yes, but how can they make that call before the reunion?

And why make that call before the reunion?

Like, see how things play out.

I feel like it's such a mistake.

And after watching the reunion last night, I'm even more like cemented in my belief that it's the biggest mistake of all time especially because if they don't want the show to continue to be like everyone just tiptoeing around teresa they've like now changed the landscape and the dynamic so much it's such a mistake it's so wrong i'm like i'm i'm actually really furious about it and i never thought i would feel that way because i was a jackie gold schneider like hater up until recently yeah and um i might be caught from a different cloth but it's top quality fabric which is always good to know don't forget that don't forget that so we are excited to be here we're coming off our Gala extravaganza, which was very fun and exciting.

I know we didn't get to all the looks, like, there were still hundreds left, but I feel like we did what was needed.

We needed to do it.

We did the bulk of it.

Yeah, I don't recall.

Maybe there was like one or two after where I was like, shit, we didn't mention them, but there are so many people.

So many, and we did what we had to do.

And that's what we're going to do here today at the Morning Toast.

This is our final episode of the week because for anyone who doesn't know, tomorrow's like a really big day.

I'm performing at Madison Square Garden.

Tickets available at girlwithnojop.com/slash slash tour.

It's going to be fabulous.

And

I'm also doing a show tonight.

Oh my God, I keep forgetting about that.

A little warm-up show, Chelsea Music Hall.

It's going to be good.

It's going to be good.

That's going to be fun.

Like an intimate night with Girl With No Job.

Yeah, no, it's a fireside chat.

Ooh, look at you, Teddy Roosevelt.

Elizabeth Holmes.

FDR.

Yeah.

Is that what she?

I don't know.

Fireside chats always remind me of like tech companies that like spend money on these like, you know, team outings.

And it's like, let's go to a cabin and do a fireside chat.

They were always doing fireside chats in younger yeah but you know it's fdr who started that no i didn't know little fun fact with the advent of the radio he would do a fireside chat and talk to the nation wow you really learn so much when your co-host is a historical friction freak freak is that nice is that nice got out of bed three days in a row for this bitch it's on ice it's not ice um so what else what's going on with you not much we recorded the redheads yesterday always a great time with the girls they're so funny the redheads is just like a hysterical podcast we should be in the comedy section except we like being in arts so we are higher in the top always in the top yeah yeah comedy is a really competitive category it is like those office ladies fuck them like

always if you have a podcast find the most obscure category that you can put it in so that you have a chance at hitting number one and that's also i'm so glad you brought that up because when you see influencers sorry this is like so shady and mean of me but like when you see influencers be like yes like we're chopping chopping the tarts

chopping the tarts new episode they're like tricking you into thinking that their podcast is popular when it's not.

They're just in like a random, obscure.

I know that's really mean to say because like our podcast is so big and I should really be more humble, but I won't.

They're just tricking you into thinking that their podcast is big when it's actually not.

It's like easy to be the biggest fish in a puddle.

Wow, Shade.

Coming out swinging.

I said what I said.

I will say, if your podcast is number one in any category, like it's not teen dinie, but it's not, you know, number one in category.

It's not Joe Rogan.

Call her daddy.

You're not.

It's not Conan.

You're not Joe Rogan.

You're not Conan.

Redheads used to be in society and culture, but it was just like a little too depressing.

So then we moved over to arts.

Oh, that's better.

And now, yeah, society and culture is like probably fourth or fifth most competitive.

So what do you think it goes by?

I think it goes.

I'll tell you, because Apple sorts it.

That's my theory.

They have the.

I think it's news and then comedy.

It's news and then comedy and then perhaps sports.

But the way you can.

The pull down is not alphabetical or anything, which leads me to believe that it is based on the public.

Chronological

that feature isn't even there right now.

Hold on, hold on.

Yes, it is.

I looked at it yesterday.

I'm always checking the charts.

On the top right, where you work by.

It wasn't coming up.

Oh, you know what?

And I got a new phone, so maybe.

Man, my pod.

Okay, all categories.

Here we go.

Okay.

First, news, second, comedy, third, society and culture.

Wow, moving on up.

I feel like because everybody puts their podcast in society and culture because it's a very big umbrella.

Right.

Fourth, business, biz news.

Fifth, true crime.

That's interesting.

We're literally sixth in comedy right now.

Sixth, sports.

So we're sixth in number two.

That's pretty good.

We're sixth in number two.

And then health and fitness, religion and spirituality, arts, education.

Maybe we should move to education.

Seems less competitive.

No, totally.

History.

I got to start a history podcast.

I'll be number one every week.

TV and film.

That's actually

surprising that it's so low.

Yeah.

A lot of people throw theirs in TV and film.

We do TV recaps.

We could be number one in TV and film.

Let's move over.

I'm so sick of Conan and the office ladies.

Totally.

And Heather McDonald.

She's always in front of us.

Science, we could do a show about Elon Musk, number one every week.

Technology, music, kids and family, leisure.

That's a nice, that's a good.

I mean, I feel very at peace when listening to the morning toast.

I do think we would qualify for leisure.

That's really interesting.

Then fiction and then government.

Woof.

Woof, yeah.

No one's listening to government podcasts.

I'm shocked.

Speaking of government, we have an amazing show today.

Anything else you want to catch up on before we dive right in?

No.

Oh, one thing that I actually wanted to catch up on, that's not a story, but I feel like I would be remiss, devastated, and heartbroken if I didn't mention it, was Jessica Simpsons' Instagram stories yesterday.

Yes.

She had a birthday party for her daughter, and, you know, we heard rumors that her and North were friends with her daughter, but we didn't really have proof.

Now we have proof.

They had like...

Kids are obsessed with these squishmallows.

Do you know them?

No.

They're like these stuffed outside.

You're going to know them.

Squishmallows.

They're like collectible stuffed animals or whatever.

So I think her daughter had, I don't know if it was her birthday, but North bought her a present.

So, it looked like it might have been her birthday.

They had like this movie night squishmallow birthday party.

And not only was North there, and she brought her a gift that was a pair of sneakers, and Jessica was posting pictures of them, Penelope was there too.

I saw the pictures.

So cute.

I think the kid just had a birthday party because that's how we learned that they were friends, and that Kim wasn't at the party.

So maybe this was just like a movie night in the backyard in a pickup truck because, like, that's what celebrity kids do.

It was so cute.

Sounds like an ideal night for me, like an adult.

Yeah.

Laying in the back of a truck, watching a movie on a calabasas cliff

you're living the wrong life sister 100 like the fact that i wasn't born jessica simpson or nicole

nicole oh my god the fact that i wasn't born jessica simpson's daughter like is my cross swear yeah it's there was a mistake in the there was a glitch in the matrix there was a glitch

I'm done.

Like, I'm really fucking done.

I can't even talk today.

You are chopping the tarts, though.

I'm chopping the tarts, and the tarts are chopping me.

100%.

But I need to to get my brain and my mouth more connected because I have a show tonight.

Like, I need to start focusing on the words in which I speak.

But that's good.

Make the mistakes now.

Okay, I think we should get right in because we have some great stories to chat about.

We have dear toasters and we have Claudia is going to talk a little about New Jersey.

So, without further ado, do to do, it is time for the fast five stories that you need to know before you wake up and take a bite out of your morning toast.

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Okay, first story.

Big crazy news of the day.

Dave Chappelle was attacked on stage at Hollywood Bowl by an audience member with armed with a weapon.

So last night at the Hollywood Bowl, they were filming Netflix is a joke and Dave Chappelle was doing his set.

Towards the end of the set around 1045,

shocking

footage shows Chappelle standing on stage as an audience member.

charged and slammed him to the floor.

Seconds later, the attacker was tackled by security and then he was beat up thoroughly by a bunch of the people backstage.

The man who lives in Los Angeles was arrested for felony assault with a deadly weapon.

He was armed with a knife and carrying a replica handgun with a blade inside.

He was taken to the hospital before he was booked early Wednesday into jail on $30,000 bail.

I have so many thoughts.

My first thought is like, I really feel bad for Dave Chappelle.

There's nothing scarier than being tackled, especially like when you're just like such a target, just standing there under a bright light and everyone else is sitting in darkness.

I also feel bad for Will Smith because in one way or the other, this is his fault and everyone's going to figure that, everyone's like saying that already.

So I know that wasn't his intention when he slapped Chris Smith.

Chris Smith.

I'm not okay when he slapped Chris Rock.

I know that wasn't his intention, but via the butterfly effect, here we are.

And I'd also like to say, I don't understand how this happened because the Hollywood Bowl is like a really legit venue.

And you're telling me through all the security we all have to put up with that a man with a replica gun got it.

And a knife.

But the knife was inside the gun.

So like, you're telling me like when he walked through that metal detector or like nothing went off.

Like the knife is made of metal.

If the replica was not made of metal, then maybe it wouldn't have set it off.

But why the replica?

We're searching through our tings or going through my tampons.

I can't bring an Advil into a club.

Right.

But a replica gun and a knife, a-okay.

This is like a huge oversight on the behalf of the Hollywood Bowl like security team.

You can't even like have your phone at a comedy show.

I know.

And I hate to blame anyone other than the person who stormed the stage, but a lot of a series of events had to occur in order for this man to get into the venue with his items and be seated close to Dave Chappelle.

And so while it is this man's fault 100%,

I'm just so curious how something like this happens in this day and age.

Like, okay, you can't stop someone from storming a stage.

Like, we all are human beings with independence, but you can stop someone from bringing a knife.

Yeah.

And they did.

You would hope.

Right.

Maybe you can't.

So this is so, this is awful.

Like, this is really, really awful.

I saw the video.

Looks like Dave Chappelle is totally fine physically,

which is good.

good and everyone was able to you know laugh it off right after the tackle chris rock came on stage and gave dave chappelle a hug and asked was that will smith then um dave chappelle carried on and made some jokes he was about to announce a musical act

and so you know everyone i think was able to carry on right because he was done with mostly done with his set which like to bounce back and have to continue performing is literally sounds horrible right

so I think they made it okay.

It will be unclear if it's going to be in the special.

I don't know what even should do about that.

Well, we were just talking about in general.

This is just like setting a jarring, worrisome precedent for like comedians being fair game for verbal and physical assaults, right?

Um, but we were talking before the show about like whether so they're filming Netflix is a joke is a comedy festival that Netflix is putting on, and of course, they're filming a lot of the talent to make content for Netflix comedy specials.

Um, so I'm sure that this whole evening was filmed, I'm sure that they have the incident on camera, and we were going back and forth as to whether Netflix should put this in or not.

Like, part me,

actually, I want to say no completely because then this guy becomes a celebrity.

And then other people are going to be like, wow, if I want to get on Netflix, all I have to do is tackle a celebrity.

And I think it like encourages bad behavior.

Yeah.

Even though part of me was also thinking like,

it's like such a horrible thing.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm.

I'm

not.

I think it's really happened.

So maybe you should just put it in.

Plus, I think after, you know, when everybody, I think it was like Chappelle's crew and his personal security.

And I think it was about like 20 people who beat up on this guy.

And it was definitely a very big reaction.

But fuck around and find out.

You don't just get to charge someone with a knife and then say that the reaction is too big afterwards.

Right, no, that's 100% true.

But I imagine that, like, perhaps Dave Chappelle doesn't want it on television.

His entourage, like, it looks bad 20 to 1, but you only don't see the one guy who stormed the stage with a knife.

Right.

So this is just like terrible.

It's really fucking scary and terrible.

And it's just crazy that it happens to Dave Chappelle, who's the biggest comedian in the world he has you know

swarms of security um he's in a in an environment it's like a legit venue right it's sponsored by netflix like you would think that something like this couldn't happen at an event like this to a person like this but here it is happening right and even with like the logistics of like the stage being you know some stages you couldn't really jump right they're too high they're too far still at the hollywood bowl it could be done it's so scary and honestly i'm sure he's fine, but I hope he's fine.

I think it rattles anyone.

I mean, not to make literally everything about me, but like when you're on stage and you hear a weird sound, like it is so scary, but you have to keep going because most of the time it's just like a sound.

It's not someone storming the stage.

So like your heart stops, but then you have to keep going because people are like, What's wrong with this bitch?

Yeah.

So for that to actually be something real is so scary.

Like it's every person, human beings, not even comedians, it's every human being's worst nightmare.

Like being attacked for no reason.

Yeah.

Loser energy.

Like, oh, this goes beyond.

And this guy got his ass handed to him, which is exactly what he deserved.

I'm sorry.

There were photos after of him on the stretcher and his elbows dislocated from his arm.

It's gross.

It's really gross.

But fuck around and find out.

And that's the moral of the story.

That's the moral of every story.

I was just going to say that.

It is the moral of every story.

Yep.

So we'll see what happens if Dave responds.

What will come of this?

Dave only responds to things like in comedy format.

Like he's not going to release a statement.

Right.

And this is also like really Chris Rock's first time speaking out about the Will Smith thing.

Right.

Really, because...

How crazy that Will Smith, that Chris Rock was there.

Right.

No, just so weird.

Yeah.

It's not okay.

Like, we are not okay.

No, as a society, we are unwell.

Unwell.

And it's got to stop.

If you come to my show just saying, and you get on stage and like you try to touch me, like, I...

What happens after that?

Is on you.

Like, I will literally...

literally, I'm a big bitch.

Like, you do not want to fuck with me.

Like, I'm strong.

No, and she's got a lot of people in her corner.

No, and like, you don't want to mess with me.

To make the show that you do want to mess with me, but you don't.

No, and like, okay, I like that, like, his team escorted him off stage, but like, if you're going to come out and try and embarrass me, like, I'm leaving you on stage and I'm beating you up in front of everyone.

Like, you don't get the privacy of back of backstage.

It's a public fogging.

Oh, the camera's coming out for a public affair.

And I'll tell everyone to get their phones out.

Wow.

Okay.

There we go.

But then you'll make it.

Like the toasters are civilized, so.

They are.

I don't know.

A toaster after a couple of spritz, she'd get wild.

True that.

Are you ready for our next story?

Yeah.

A little more controversy.

Lily Reinhart is slamming, quote, starving Kim Kardashian over her Met Gala 2022 diet.

Yes.

As we reported yesterday, Kim shared that she lost 16 pounds in three weeks to fit into the Marilyn dress, and that did not sit well with Lily Reinhart, who took to her Instagram Tori on Tuesday and wrote in text, to walk on a red carpet and do an interview where you say how starving you are because you haven't eaten a carb in the last month all to fit into a fucking dress, so wrong, so fucked on hundreds of levels.

The star who did not call out Kim by name added that it's disgusting for celebrities to admit to starving themselves considering how many people idolize them.

She said, quote, to openly admit to starving yourself for the sake of the Met Gala when you know very well that millions of young men and women are looking up to you and listening to your every word, the ignorance is otherworldly disgusting.

Okay, I have so many thoughts on this.

I guess this is that backlash you were talking about.

I really hadn't seen any, but now I'm familiar with.

And she doesn't say Kim by name, but she might as well have.

She wasn't talking about anyone else other than Kim.

No, no, no.

Which I just don't like to single out Kim because I watched all the interviews and every Venus Williams was like talking about how she's so hungry and like how she, and all these other girls were like, I can't breathe in my dress.

So to single out Kim for and blame her for the entire culture, which you perceive to be toxic, is unfair, first of all.

Second of all,

the way that Kim framed it in the sense of like this for her, this is a role.

And we've heard a million stories, Mark Wahlberg, Joaquin Phoenix, Jared Leto, like people always dropping and gaining like 40, 50 pounds in a short amount of times.

I don't see any backlash there.

So like, why is it?

It's just like, for me, it's like whether the argument about Kim is valid or not, it bothers me that it's always Kim.

It reminds me of like when Kendall came out with 818, people were really upset because they thought, you know, it's a Mexican, it's made in Mexico and it's a Mexican drink.

And there's totally an argument to be made there, but like, why do these arguments only come out for the Kardashians?

Like, nobody said anything about Casamigos is George Clooney Mexican.

Nobody said anything about Sirock is P.

Diddy Russian.

Like, so it's like these, whether they're valid or not, like the fact that these conversations only happen around the Kardashians, like, it bothers me.

It does.

Yeah, it bothers me as well.

And I agree.

When Kim says she's training for a role, you might not like that her role is considered, you know, just to be

one night, a fashion's night out.

But this is perhaps one of the most iconic things that Kim has ever done.

I took no issue with

me sharing

what she did.

And also, it's she didn't lose 16 pounds because she wants to be skinny.

She had to fit into a dress.

It wasn't like, you know, I need to be this weight so I can look good at the Matala.

She needed to be a certain weight so that she could fit in the dress.

Right.

And I personally, as a person,

the way that I feel is I would rather someone like

shred shred for the wed and let us know what they did and that it was really fucking hard and not just like, oh, I just happened to fit into Marilyn Monroe's fucking dress.

I agree.

I think that when celebrities pop up on red carpets looking insanely stunning.

They're like, I just had a burger at the hotel.

I think that contributes more to like toxic body image.

Because you're like, why don't I look like that?

Yeah, because I just had a burger and I can't fit my ass in my jeans.

Whereas I know why I don't look like this.

Because I have eaten carbs for three weeks straight.

I wasn't doing two a days eating tomatoes i agree so like don't get me wrong i mean in celebrity culture there's so much toxicity when it comes to body image and weight and it's hella problematic but i prefer someone to be completely transparent with me than just showing up looking like sheer perfection leaving me wondering like well if she's just a regular girl how did that happen there must be something wrong with me right no actually i know there's nothing wrong with me now thanks to kim because I eat whatever I want whenever I want.

Because you're not putting in that work.

Right.

So I don't know.

I just, there's so many about things, and maybe it's just because I'm a Kim apologist like if this was someone else Maybe I would feel differently But I really don't think so I don't get bothered when people talk about their journey.

I really don't that's just me

I'm I look the way that I am I look the way that I do because of decisions I make and I guess Kim for Kim Kim is extremely influential, but I don't know.

I think this is a stretch.

I do.

But I know a lot of people don't agree with me.

Even in the comments yesterday on YouTube,

people are like furious at Kim.

So, like, you do you.

I'm not, I'm not furious.

I think I would feel the same way about the premise of the argument if it were any other celebrity, but I'm just more invested because it's Kim.

Like, if Lily Reinhardt was beefing with someone that I'm not like obsessed with, I don't really know if I would think too hard about it.

And I mean, I think for Kim, like, she's been doing this her entire career, like, letting us know when she's losing weight gain and posting her

workouts, letting us know when she's on a diet, when she's having vignettes in New Orleans.

Like, and I'm she's gotten backlash all along, but I think for her, like she

doesn't care because

like on principle, she doesn't have an issue with it.

It's not like, oh, oops, I'm sorry, I didn't know that I, that I did that, you know?

Yeah.

No, I'm just, there's, there's like a few things about this that I just also don't like singling out like one person culture.

Like, don't, the, the issue in celebrity and in Hollywood with body image and weight is so big, and it's not Kim Kardashian's fault.

I'm sorry, it's not.

So to like center the whole argument on Kim, I think is really unfair.

Yeah,

and just everybody has different experiences, and everybody like

feels differently about what they're seeing.

Whether you know, you're someone like Lily Reinhard, who this is upsetting to you, but you could be someone with Lily Reinhardt's same experience and see this and not find it upsetting, right?

Right, or like triggering, right?

Yeah, I just'm not agreeing with Lily Reinhardt on this, um,

like at all.

No, me neither, but I do, a lot of people do, so yeah,

there you go.

There you go.

Our next story, a little exciting fatherhood news.

Nao.

Na os.

New.

Exciting fatherhood news.

Post Malone is expecting his first child with a longtime girlfriend.

Who knew he had a longtime girlfriend?

Not I.

Post Malone said, I'm excited for this next chapter in my life.

I'm the happiest I've ever been.

And for since I could remember, I was sad, he told TMZ.

Time to take care of my body and my family and my friends and spread as much love as we can every day.

That's so gorgeous.

Source is close to page six said the couple hosted a private party with friends and family in Southern California over the weekend to celebrate the exciting news.

That is just like so traditional.

So sweet.

I had no idea he had a girlfriend.

Love this.

I love to see posts.

I'm so sorry.

What?

I'm so sorry.

What?

So the article said source is close to post.

So I just, it's page six, so I assumed it was the New York Post.

Oh, no.

Source is close to post to Malone.

as in Malone yeah yeah yeah no of course that is so funny that is very confusing though I feel that um I love this for him I feel like you know posties growing up I feel like hearts are breaking everywhere as they should be so my heart goes out to all the girls who thought that this would be them and it turned out that it wasn't you um i see you i hear you and i'm here for you did you know that he had a long-term girlfriend no clue no clue no that he was just like this family man no i love that the thing about post malone is like you think you know him but you don't right and like he he lives in Utah.

He loves country music.

He's very unplugged.

He loves guitar.

He has his priorities in order.

No, it's actually so true.

Like, especially for how famous he is, he could be like anything he wanted, living in the biggest house in Beverly Hills.

But you're right.

He's like a weirdly traditional rural king.

Right, like having like a little gender reveal party.

And so chugi.

It's chugi.

Post Malone is chugi.

Post Malone, chugalicious.

Chugalicious.

He should make his own remix.

Chugalicious.

Toast.

Devil.

Chugalicious.

Post Malone makes the girls go loco.

Love that for him.

Beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Beautiful.

Happy for him.

No, that I am.

Wow, we've been getting a lot of hate comments about our singing.

I saw, like, is this your guys' first time watching?

Has something changed?

Nothing.

I just can't believe, like, if you or like someone close to me had a voice that was like as good as mine, I would make them sing for me all the time.

And I'm giving it away for free.

Yeah, and there's always a reason behind the song, like we integrate it into the

stories because we got our reasons

just like you

when you okay, we'll stop, but like no, but it's really upsetting, it's just a little random considering we've been doing this for five years that we always have a song in our heart.

You know what it is?

I think this little instrument has definitely increased.

It's simple math.

When this enters the equation, we have to sing more, you know?

Yeah.

Give us a song, any song.

Honey, down, we're gonna have a good time.

A thousand hands up to the sky.

We gonna get toasted tonight.

Can't let it fade.

We got a sparkle in our eye, can't let it wait.

I'm counting down until we start.

We're at engaged.

We come to play

and we play hard.

Ooh,

two, three, four.

Hunter down, we gonna have a good good time.

A thousand hands up to the sky.

We gonna get toasted tonight.

Should I keep going?

No.

Wow.

I've been seeing.

I'm kidding.

Yeah, I think as long as there's like a cap of 10 to 20 seconds on the song, I don't know why you guys are complaining.

It's like yeah, and also like just notice the gift in front of you and be grateful.

Don't be ungrateful, okay?

Don't be.

Don't be all ungrateful.

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Okay, our next story, a little security, concerning security news.

An intruder disguised as a priest spent the night at the Queen's Windsor Castle.

And it wasn't me.

How the fuck is this always happening?

An intruder

disguised as a priest conned his way inside Windsor Castle on April 26th and even spent the night leaving just hours before Queen Elizabeth made her return home.

He said his name was Father Cruz and claimed to be a friend of the battalion's padre, the Reverend Matt Coles.

He was invited in and offered something to eat in the officer's mess, a source told Britain's THAWK TV.

The source explained that within a few hours, the man was drinking with officers in the bar and started telling stories about his life, including that he had served in Iraq.

He was telling lots of tall tales, and the lads were enjoying his banter and having a few drinks.

It was only later when he started talking about how he had worked as an injector seat test pilot and had some organs replaced that the chap started to get suspicious.

Security apparently did not conduct any further investigations into the man, and authorities were not alerted until the next morning, just three hours before Queenie returned to Windsor Castle from her 96th birthday party at Sandringham.

Oh my god, how late.

That is iconic.

Yeah.

The thing is, like, not only is it so abhorrent to, you know,

intrude into a personal person's home, but to do so as a man of God just takes

this takes it to another more disgusting, repulsive level.

I mean, yes, though I do could understand the urge to like get close to the queen and just like want to be.

You don't think we all feel that way?

Right, and want to be in her space.

But this is unacceptable.

And this has happened before in the past.

We saw in the crown, and you would think, like, what's the

queen's peeps called?

Like...

Her ladies in waiting?

No, no, no, those don't exist anymore.

Like, Scotland Yards.

Thank you, myself.

Scotland Yards should be on top of this.

Thank you, myself.

You sounded like Dana.

Only, only true, sorry, this is going to be an extremely hot take.

Only true fucking freaks talk to themselves.

Okay.

That's just a hot take.

Wow, I had a dream last night that I was talking to myself, that I was like looking in the mirror, and I was like thinking that I was seeing...

I was talking to someone else.

And then I realized I was talking to myself.

I was like, oh, it's gotten crazy.

One time,

Ben, like, okay, one time, my friend Jenna was like, I just ran into Ben on the street.

She texted me.

I'm like, oh my god, that's so funny.

She's like, yeah, he was literally like mumbling and talking to himself.

And I was like, what?

She was like, yeah, it was kind of weird.

And then I told Ben, I'm like, when you saw Jenna, like, what were you doing?

And he was like, nothing.

I'm like, she says you were talking to yourself.

He's like, no, I wasn't.

I think he might have been like going through something because he was literally like wandering around the streets like mumbling.

That's so weird.

Like I talk to myself all the time, but my lips don't move.

No, that's called thinking.

We all do that.

Your lips don't move.

That's called thinking.

Duh.

I'm doing it right now.

True.

That's a really good point.

Yeah, we're all allowed to think to ourselves.

I'm saying verbalizing it is weird.

I'm sorry.

But like, I do find myself like thinking in conversation version, like talking to myself.

Still, doesn't count.

Okay.

So the only time I think I've ever like spoken to myself when I'm not around is like only like this.

Powering yourself up.

Oh, no.

I mean, yes, before I show you.

Power poses.

That doesn't count.

You are smart.

I guess I talk to myself a lot.

Because unless I'm like, let's say I left my phone on this counter, I come over and I'm by myself.

I go to get my phone off the counter and it's not there.

I will say to myself, like, that's weird.

Yeah, even if no one's around.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess maybe, no, I think I still think it's weird.

I guess I talk to myself sometimes.

Like, I'll just be around my room like,

Brats and Strats and Brats and Strats and Brads and Strats and Rattles and Strats and Radis and Strats and Resident Strange.

We have really gotten out of control with Theo's name.

With Bryce and Thrice.

You know what we haven't done in a really long time?

Dora the Explorer.

Perfect angel Dora.

Crunchy, delicious Dora.

Bruno's cousin Dora.

My one and only Dora.

Special boy Dora.

Thick, juicy, Dora.

Floppy ears, Dora.

Wet little nose, Dora.

Wagging tail, Dora.

Sexy walk, Dora.

Doo-doo, Dora.

Do-do-do-do-do to Dora.

Do-do-do-do-do Theodora.

Oh.

Do-do-do-do-do Theodora.

Dora, the

exploring.

Okay, I'm sorry for those last few minutes, you guys.

It's safe to come back now.

What was the story?

The queen had an intruder.

Oh, right.

Unacceptable, like an embarrassment to her security.

And the fact that this has happened not once but twice is disgraceful to the crown, to the monarchy, and to all of England.

Honestly, I could not do a British accent.

Agreed.

Do it.

Bravo.

Gran.

No, let me in, Gran.

Let's just talk in British accents.

I want to come to the party, Gran.

Potty?

Let's talk in British accents.

I find.

I can't do a British accent.

I can only do Prince Harry.

Yes.

I can't do like any accents.

That's why I'll never really make it as a comedian.

That's so true.

Because like you can't do impersonations.

I can do Shakira, but that's it.

That's not enough.

No.

So like, what would you do as a Southern accent?

Hey, y'all.

Yeah.

How y'all doing?

Hey, bruva.

That's not southern.

Hey, bruva.

Could you do Australian?

Yeah.

Hey, bruva.

You're so fucking annoying.

Trying to forget what you're saying.

I can do French.

Hey, brother.

No, you could do French.

Au revoir, bruva.

You could do Hebrew.

Shalom, brother.

I don't know how to say hello to any of the other languages.

Um,

yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah.

Spanish.

Hola, bruva.

Oh, my God, I just remembered something I did.

I have to unburn it myself.

I did.

Did.

Jackie,

I don't think I can say it.

Now you have to.

It is.

I'm literally going to cry.

Oh my God.

I did.

This burden is coming from the depths of her soul.

I did the most embarrassing thing over the weekend.

Like, I actually.

That's so funny because I asked you on Monday if you embarrassed yourself this week.

Oh my God, I just remembered.

I was really high.

Like, really high.

And

I'm like, I actually don't want to say it.

I'm like, so ashamed.

Let it go, sir.

You have to set it down.

You have to un.

You have to un

paint a picture.

So me and Ben, like, we got high at this party, like, on pop.

And I got, like, a little, like, I don't like being high in public.

Like, I really don't.

So I was like, can we please leave?

And he was like, yeah.

So we got in a cab and when we got in bed, I was, like, feeling much better, you know, and I started to enjoy like being high.

And oh my, my spray tan's literally being cried off.

So we ordered food from the diner and it was taking a long time.

I can't say it.

Like, I literally can't.

How could you have embarrassed yourself so bad in your own house?

On the phone.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Okay.

So I placed the order

on Uber Eats.

And then, like, a couple hours later, no, not a couple hours, sorry, like 20 minutes later, we were like, hi, and we were like, where's the food?

So I called and I just wanted to make sure like that the order went through and the guy was really nice.

He was like, he was giving like big Italian like mobster over the phone.

He was like, yeah, I got you order.

So I don't know.

I like wanted to relate to him.

It's not what you think.

It's worse.

Wait, I can't drink.

Okay.

So when I was saying thank you, he was like so helpful and nice.

And I was like, high and dumb.

I couldn't even remember what we were talking about.

So as we were hanging up, I like wanted to relate to him in some way, like and like be like authentic Italian.

Like

girly.

That's you.

And I had just, I was just in Italy like a few months ago.

And I didn't learn how to say anything except for like good night, which is bon, bon nui or something.

So as I'm hanging out, I'm like, sir, thank you so much,

bon nuit.

And he was like,

he was like, from New Jersey, like he wasn't like Italian.

And he was like, what?

I was like, bon nuit.

And

he was like, okay.

And I told Ben the story.

He was like,

why would you say that?

I was so embarrassed.

Like,

so embarrassed.

Like, why would I say that?

I do feel better.

I do.

I do feel better.

I only have one thing to say.

Bonnui.

And to be honest, I don't even think that's how you say goodnight in Italian.

Like, I'm not sure.

Oh, my God.

I can't breathe.

I'm okay.

Thank you for

Italy.

Back to the queen.

Right.

How do we get it?

Brava.

Oh, brava.

Bonnu, yeah, yeah.

Bonuit, brava.

Oh, my God, you know what?

I really do feel better, like, for real.

No, that's important.

Yeah.

No, but you were literally just, like, talking to Zach Shapiro on the phone and you said bonuit.

Yeah, no, he was literally not, probably not even Italian.

Right.

Oh my god, I'm crying.

That's really funny.

It's horrifying, like beyond, but I'm okay.

And you feel better.

I do.

Thank you for letting me unburden myself.

The power of the unburdening, you guys.

I'm okay.

Are you ready for our fifth and final story?

Yeah.

Which is a little heartwarming sports news.

Oh, my God.

Just to take us home.

It's everything, you guys.

You have to watch this TikTok.

Aaron Judge.

Well, it's a video that does reside on TikTok as well as other platforms.

No, it's just TikTok.

Aaron Judge Homer leads to fans wholesome moment.

So Aaron Judge is a player for the New York Yankees.

Tamra's son.

He's Tamra's son and he hit a home run.

Congratulations, Mr.

Judge.

And a rival fan of the Blue Jays caught it.

So the Blue Jays guy obviously doesn't want Aaron Judge's ball.

Even though if you're

into sports memorabilia, you could sell the ball.

It's great to catch it like

even if you catch a ball and it's not your team like you usually keep it because like it's cool.

Right, but he was sitting next to this little kid who was a big Aaron Judge fan.

He was wearing the jersey and everything, and he gave it to the kid.

And the kids made it.

They got it on camera.

The kid's life was made, and his dad's life was made, and it was just like this kid.

He started crying and gave like the biggest hug to this random man from Toronto.

And it's literally so cute.

Like, it will bring a tear to your eye.

And then they show like the dad, you know, the son going back to the dad and the dad giving him the biggest kiss.

Like, he was so proud of it.

It literally could bring a tear to my eyes.

It really could.

We'll post it on our TikTok.

It is the, on our TikTok, on our Instagram.

It is the cutest, most sweet, and like in a world that's so unwell, moments like these.

That's really why, like, I don't, like, I don't really love sports, but I don't mind watching them because, like, in sports, there's always something nice happening, you know?

They honor the military.

They help, you know, people who are sick.

They're always doing good things in sports.

And they're also like, they're representatives of their community.

So they're always really doing stuff for the community.

But sports do bring people together.

They could also be quite divisive.

Yeah, of course.

But I do feel like at the end of the day, they bring more people together than

they separate people apart.

They do more good than harm.

Right, because people don't really get into like real beef over rivalries, but I think for a lot of people talking about sports, it's an immediate connection.

It's like, you know, us talking about Bravo or

books.

All of a sudden, we're best friends.

That's true.

It's a family affair.

It's bringing people together.

Well, thank you for that gorgeous fifth and final story that just really put a twinkle in my eye.

You already had a tear in your eyes.

I know.

I'm really not okay.

My throat hurts from like laughing like that.

But the show's not over.

Oh, really quickly.

Okay, let me do...

Okay, let's dive into TV recap really quick.

I know you didn't watch it, so I don't want to to spoil anything for you.

It's okay.

But I just want to- I made a choice, you know, and that doesn't mean I can come here and ruin the show.

Part one of the New Jersey reunion is just not what you would expect.

There is so much drama on the left couch.

Like, Jennifer and Dolores are not friends, and Teresa had an engagement party and didn't invite Dolores.

So the left couch is, like, crumbling.

And actually, Dolores said, she said to the, to the other girls, she said it to Jackie, to Melissa, and Margaret, she's like, I am so sorry for defending Jennifer all these years.

Like, you were right, I was wrong.

Okay.

And what about Teresa?

And Teresa was basically like, you know, we had an engagement party with like all the couples we go out with.

And Dolores and I, you know, we don't double date.

So, and Dolores was like, if that's what Teresa wants, it's fine.

It's very cold.

Oh, okay, fine.

Like, she's not, there's not.

They're not done, but like that couch is on their way to ruin.

And that's why it was so upsetting because I really felt like the anti-Teresa movement was making a lot of progress last night.

Like Teresa looked so stupid.

Everything she said was more dumb and dumb by the minute, and I was losing brain cells.

Um, and that's really to the credit of Marge and Jackie.

And now that Jackie's been demoted, like, I just don't agree with that decision whatsoever.

And I actually saw a tweet that I screenshotted because I thought it was so profound, and it goes like this: Well, anything can happen, they haven't started filming.

You know, maybe someone will hear these cries and change course.

Sources are confirming that the rumors of Jackie Goldschneider being made friend of for the next season of Rahonge.

And somebody wrote, My girl gave us the rawest, realest personal storyline across the franchise in years.

And this is how they repay her.

When Dolores has been renovating her house for five seasons, I'm sick from Mark Duffy.

I agree, Mark.

Wow.

Facts.

I just felt like finally we've actually made progress in the dynamic of this group where we all just like kowtowed to Teresa and it's actually been like frustrating to watch.

We are making progress.

And I do feel like Jackie taking a step back

delineates that process.

Yeah, but we still have Marge and now Dolores is turning and Melissa.

No, but I think that that tweet makes an even better point than the fact that we're making progress.

It's like she literally just bared her soul, and I think helped a lot of people.

And it was actually quite interesting for like a reviewer who hates, for someone who hates personal storylines, like if

personal journeys.

I hate that footage.

I couldn't get enough of Jackie's journey.

I thought it was beyond interesting.

Yeah.

And so, and I think to repay her in a demotion is so fucked up.

I agree completely.

So it ain't right.

But the Melissa, Joe, and Teresa of it all was super interesting.

Like, you know, Teresa's having a wedding.

She's having bridesmaids and Melissa's not one, but Louie's sisters are.

So like her sister-in-law is on the other side.

And they had an engagement party and they literally sat Melissa Joe and the kids at like some random table in the back with random people.

And like

for so long.

So Melissa doesn't get involved and she doesn't defend her friends because of Teresa.

Right.

And Teresa.

And for Melissa, that's like so big.

She's sticking with the family.

And the way that Teresa has perceived it all these years is that like Melissa is Marge's friend and she doesn't do anything for her.

It's not enough that Melissa doesn't

engage.

Teresa expects her to back her, even though Melissa thinks she's wrong.

So it was so painful for Melissa and Joe, like just talking to this moron who like, she's like, all right, you know, okay, Joe, you're always right.

Like, it can't even enter her brain that she is always wrong.

Like, she's never been right about one thing in her whole fucking life.

She's insufferable.

I don't understand how people can stand this woman.

She's awful.

And literally, Andy was like,

you always say like, Melissa never defends you.

Like, can you give us a couple examples of times when you've defended Melissa and had Melissa's back?

And she's literally like,

well, you know, guys, help me.

Like, you know, you know, like, oh, tell me, like, what?

And then there was like a freak circuit breaker and the lights went out red as she was like,

and so, they get the lights back on and Andy asks the question again and we got it both times.

She's like, you know, like, guys come on help me out like it was painful I cannot stand this woman like it's it's insane how invested I'm getting it's so painful yeah no that's how I feel after every time I watch New Jersey and then by the time we recap on the show I feel I come to myself a little bit but the the feelings are so visceral yeah yeah

um so I want you to watch it and we'll recap next week with part two okay um with all the men because only Joe Gorga came out not Frank and then like not Frank no only Joe Gorga came out and Teresa was like you're such a little little bitch boy.

Like, this is a housewives.

What are you doing here?

Her and Jennifer, Teresa and Jennifer were ganging up on Joe.

Like, family, family.

And you're literally this girl you just met last year.

You're ganging up on your brother with her?

Wait, but if it's only housewives, then why is she doing confessionals?

100%.

But don't talk about Gia.

Don't you dare talk about Gia.

I don't want to.

So like if you're watching the season, like you know how painful it is.

And I'm sorry that we're all going through this together.

Now let's dive into Dear Toasters, which is our advice segment.

If you ever want to write in, the email is dear toasters at gmail.com.

Thank you to everyone who resubmitted.

I told you guys, like, if it's too long, we really can't read it.

So a lot of people resubmitted with shorter, more abridged versions, and I'm extremely grateful.

Thank you.

And we also have an update today.

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Yeah, zip burp.

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Sorry, I had to burp.

I have got to stop drinking LaCroix during the show.

I need to switch to Flatwater because I'm always like,

yeah.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Hey, Jackson Claude, I'm in major need of

your advice because I'm literally about to explode.

My mother-in-law, ooh.

This is going to be divisive.

My mother-in-law has a terrible habit of kissing my eight-month-old baby on the mouth.

Ooh.

You heard it on his freaking mouth.

I verbalized it multiple times to friends and family about how much it bothers me and she has been there when I've mentioned it.

It may not be a big deal to others, but to me, it's just gross.

I mentioned it to my PJM husband, and he said he would address it with her, but he has yet to do so.

This weekend, she did it right in my husband's face when I tried to get his attention.

To notice, he totally disregarded me.

He's a bit of a mama's boy, and he tends to feel bad about hurting her feelings.

What bothers me is that my mother-in-law works in healthcare and can bring home whatever she has seen at work.

Ooh.

And hello, COVID.

I honestly wouldn't doubt if she was doing it on purpose as we've had our issues in the past and she tends to be manipulative.

What do I do?

Do I wait for my husband to address it or should I take it into my own hands and tell her directly?

Please help.

I promise to give you an update.

Sincerely, a toaster who's about to lose her shit.

Okay, I don't think she's doing that on purpose to bother you because I don't think she would like to.

She's got a baby's immune system.

I just have to shoot at you.

There are other ways.

I feel as though I have a conflict of interest here.

You do, because you're the perpetrator.

I kiss Harry on the mouth, but if you told me not to, I would never.

Right.

You haven't said anything, so I'm gonna keep it.

I haven't really seen it.

And that's what I would say about this.

Like, I haven't, if someone were doing this, you told me that you do that, but I never saw it.

If I saw it and it didn't sit right with me, I would say it.

I would say it to anyone and I would just say it on the spot.

And that's the thing about being a mama, that like when something crosses your personal line, it doesn't matter if you're right, wrong.

It's how you feel.

That's your baby.

You cooked him for 10 balance.

You pushed him out one way or the other.

It's your way or the highway.

And so you don't need to have your husband say something.

If you see it, stop it.

If it's not okay with you and it makes you uncomfortable, say, please don't do that.

Especially Especially if you don't follow my rules, then we're going to have to set further boundaries.

Especially in this day and age, I feel like, like we're always saying, like COVID is the best excuse for everything.

So like, if you really want to do soften the blow instead of just being like, even though I agree with your approach, like it's your baby, fuck off.

But if you want to like soften the blow a little bit, you can like mention COVID.

You know, like COVID is just giving us all reasons to like.

not do things we don't want to do.

Exactly.

And that's the small blessing coming out of COVID.

So I agree.

If this crosses your personal boundary, like it's an option.

Just call it out.

Call it when you see it.

That's the best way to do stuff.

Don't let it fester.

Yeah, call it when you see it.

I like that.

I think that's been like one of the biggest changes in me as a mama.

Like instead of, you know, usually.

Are you saying mama ironically?

I can't tell.

Like, I know that it triggers you, so that's always fun.

But I do feel like there's a difference between like being a mom and being like a mama.

Like a mama bear.

Like, you know, and I think that that's something for me where it's like, used to be, if something bothered me, I would sit on it, think about it, see if it still bothered me, and then find a way to deal with it.

Now it bothers me it's cut yeah because mamas don't have time for that so true mamas ain't got the time so true well I defer it on I defer to this mama on that mama next up hey girlies my three sisters mom and I are all toasters and we need some of your advice our younger brother 23 is a p-jom and he's never had a girlfriend and we are 99% sure he was still a virgin up until recently he's been dating this 20 year old girl who seems really immature.

Her Instagram is in private, so we were creeping and we clicked on her Bisco link in her bio.

The first thing we see is an extremely scandalous mirror pic of our brother and her naked, fresh out of the shower.

She actually attached the picture to us, but I didn't want to see it because I felt like it was invasive.

To make it even worse,

to make it even worse, this was taken.

I need to see it.

I need to see it.

Will you pull it up?

Will you twist the computer around?

To make it even worse, it was taken at our parents' house.

Or you can email it to me.

I have my iPad.

Oh, yeah, email.

But don't show it on Canada.

But can you listen to me?

There's more.

Okay, to make it even worse, this was taken at our parents' house.

We are all extremely disturbed, and we just want to protect our brother at all costs.

We are meeting meeting her for the first time this weekend, and we need your advice.

Do we say something to our brother?

Do we wait until after the weekend?

Are we overreacting?

Thank you in advance, and I love you both so much.

I'm sorry, but you have the picture?

No, not yet, but operate.

Maybe she doesn't know that Bisco's public.

She put it in her bio.

You can't say anything.

Like, he's living his life.

He's not doing anything.

I need to see the picture, actually.

I need to see the picture, too.

The only thing you could say, like, if there's, if it's really inappropriate, you could be like, maybe I shouldn't post this somewhere public.

That's the only thing that they're doing, you know, quote

We have the picture.

Oh,

it's not that bad, honestly.

Wow.

Let me see.

You have to see it.

It's really artsy.

It's fucking weird, honestly.

Like,

girl looks pretty.

Your brother looks odd.

I like it.

I like it too.

It's a nice photo.

It's very erotic.

Did she send any more screenshots?

I like the beat.

No, only the one.

I like the beat.

Listen, your brother's an artist, clearly.

Right.

Even though what's so funny is like,

what's funny?

I don't know.

What's funny about that is like it's from Visco and the picture appears to have absolutely no filter.

Yeah, no, it's not about the Visco.

Um, I don't know.

How old is you?

That's just like really crazy to see from your brother.

But again, like he's not doing anything wrong.

No, and your brother looks cute.

Like there's no way he was a virgin.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

They're clearly very into each other and I think that if you say anything, you're just gonna drive a wedge and maybe push him a little further away.

So So you've got to let this thing run its course.

Truckers for Visco nude picks.

Honestly,

I'm like, really, I can't get the picture.

It's kind of stunning.

I've never seen like a pose like that.

I have to do that with Ben.

You know,

that's perfect because we can't post that picture.

I could post mine.

You could post yours.

It was giving like Nicola in Brooklyn.

It was giving like Annie Leibowitz.

It was really stunning.

Honestly, like, I think you should just be happy for your brother.

Like, the girl is hot.

Her boobs are amazing.

Okay, but here, let me throw it to you this way.

What would you do if you saw that, like, Snitch and the new man were taking pictures like that?

I would only be upset for her that it's public because, you know, that things like that can ruin your life.

And things like that really shouldn't be ruined.

Yeah, that couldn't ruin your life.

You know, if your job found it or something, like, it's public.

It just would, you wouldn't get fired for something like that, but it would make people like look at you.

It's awkward.

Take it off the internet, but like, keep taking pictures like that.

I like it.

Send them directly.

I like it, but like, if you're going to say something, it would only be about the fact that it's on public.

Like, shit like that.

Yeah.

It's private.

Yeah.

Be like, isn't this a little private for the public?

Yeah.

Depends how close you are and if like you think that this might be a good idea.

I'm going to like reverse Google image search, find this girl's Visco, then her Instagram

and befriend her.

Yeah.

She's probably a toaster.

With tits like that, she's got to be.

Totes.

Okay, our final submission is an update.

And it was an update on one that I did with Ben.

So I'm going to read you the submission.

Okay.

My boyfriend of eight years and I recently moved in together.

He's a P-JOM, but moving in together sheds light on habits that each other has that we're we're not always been aware of.

And I think I found his major flaw.

He's a booger flicker.

They're everywhere.

Don't get me wrong, everyone gotta pick their nose.

I'll do it sometimes, but I always make sure to use a tissue to make sure it's hygienic.

But I'm finding this man's boogers everywhere.

On walls, dressers, blinds.

Literally every day I swear I find a booger in a place I least expected to.

The first one or two times I pointed it out to him, I called him gross, and we both laughed about it, but now it's reaching a disgusting level and I'm not sure what to do.

He's my future husband.

I love him to pieces.

What do I do?

So here we got an update from her.

And we told her, well, I I did that this specific entry with Ben because Ben is like always sneezing and his boogers fly everywhere and he'll like leave them crusted on the wall like it's disgusting okay okay so so what did you tell her to do break she's got to be stern because this habit doesn't die hard clearly ben is working on it sounds like he has like an overproduction of boogers though he may have a son is infection

um hey hey ladies i wrote a few weeks ago about my booger flicking and i'm happy to report on some improvements i loved ben's math of one booger equalizing two seltzers oh because ben was basically basically saying, like, Ben, if I'm laying in bed, like, Ben gets me a seltzer, he gets me out of, like, I don't get out of bed.

And me wiping up his boogers is the price I pay.

Interesting.

So for every two seltzers I get, I have to clean up one booger.

Fair.

So I loved Ben's math of one booger equaling two seltzers, but unfortunately, I'm not waited on hand and foot by my boyfriend, so I couldn't really implement that advice into our dynamic.

But someone in the Toast Facebook group made a post about how disgusting my dear toaster story was.

Embarrassing, but understandable.

And someone left a comment suggesting I keep tissues around the house so they're readily available when my boyfriend feels like he needs to clear his nose I don't know why I didn't realize that before but it turns out the booger flicking was just a result of pure laziness since placing tissue boxes in a few more places around the house I can happily share that my walls and furniture have been snot-free ever since and hopefully this habit will begin to stick thank you Ben the toasters for all your help love a grateful toaster That's such a great point.

I actually have tissues all over my house.

You do.

Like I have one on each nightstand in the bedroom.

We have one on our coffee table in the living room.

We have one in the bathroom.

Like we just do.

That's crazy.

I don't have one box of tissues in my house.

And no, it's kind of like great to have someone.

No, I agree.

You think, yeah, I can use toilet paper, I could use a paper towel, but you don't.

Right.

And even if you just have a little tickle, you just grab a tissue.

Yeah.

Wow, I'm learning so much.

Yeah, this is good for you, too, because Ben could do it.

Totally.

Get a box of tissues on his side of the bed.

100%.

100%.

Well, so glad the toasters were able to solve that for her, even if we couldn't.

And that's Dear Toasters again.

Sometimes things are out of our control.

Agreed.

If you ever want to write in or even update for us on something you've written in about, it's deartoasters at gmail.com.

That is our show.

Our final show of the week.

The next time you guys see me, I will be a comedian who has performed at Madison Square Garden, which is just so crazy and it's pretty cool.

So that's our show.

Any last words, Jacks?

No, we're so proud of you.

I love you.

We're so excited.

I really feel like I'm just going to be so overwhelmed with pride and joy.

And I'm so looking forward to seeing the show.

For the first time?

For the first time, just like a a night out seeing my favorite comedian in my hometown.

What could be better?

And you're gonna be amazing.

So, I look forward to seeing you a different woman on Monday.

And you know what?

I have to say to everyone: bon nuis, bon nui, y'all.

Have a great day, everyone.

We'll see you on Monday, and I'll see all you guys tomorrow at Madison Square Garden.

Bye, goodbye,

baby.