S5 Ep35: Queen of Getting Shadow Banned with Hannah Berner: Friday March 25th, 2022

Good morning, millennials.

Welcome back to the morning toast.

Happy Friday.

And it is Friday.

We're ringing in Friday with a first-time co-host,

Hannah Berner.

Hello, Hannah Berner.

It is such an honor and a privilege.

I've manifested this and we've made it happen.

Oh, my God.

Well, it's Friday, and we do a little thing here on Friday that I hopefully you can join me.

Okay, ready?

I think you'll know it when you hear it.

Friday, Friday.

Gotta get down on Friday.

Everybody's Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.

Weekend.

Friday.

Friday.

Getting down on Friday.

Thank you.

That was stunning.

Thank you so much for doing that.

Welcome.

And now I'm awake.

Yes.

First time co-host, guest, Hannah Berner.

Thank you so much for being here.

Well, I've been that like outskirt friend where you're like so tight with Taylor Schrecker, Darren Karp, and I'm friends with them.

And I'm like, so how do I join like the friend group?

And they're like, don't force it.

they're like don't force it if you force it she'll hate you and I was like okay I'm just gonna sit and manifest with my crystals well we do have to say how this was the second time trying to get you on the show yeah the first time you did you guys did like back out on us it you know what it was one of those um out of your control moments out of your control moments that I did cry about

Paige and I did get in a fight about Paige and I were gonna come on together yeah and it was like a whatever it was like a thing a thing with the network yeah yeah yeah it's like a thing um so thank you so much for being here i know you're like super busy but i know that you are pop culture girly and i'm excited to just sit down talk chat fellow female comedian to another like you know it's so hard out there for us it's just so hard in this male dominated industry that we're just taking over um i do have to say that i did put on these nails for you however i feel like i took women back like 10 years with these okay here's the thing i love press on nails like i'm a one thing about me is that i'm a press-on nail girly she's a girly i don't have nails right now and like i probably will tomorrow and they will be press on um but it's an art Because I just tried to poop before this show and I couldn't wipe my own asshole.

Yeah.

And I'm like, how am I going to take down the patriarchy?

Without the ability to wipe your own asshole.

To use your fingers.

No, that's...

That's...

We didn't think about this.

I mean, could I stab a motherfucker?

Absolutely.

Hell yes.

But probably not because those aren't really glued on very well.

One fell off right before you sat down.

So if you tried to stab someone, like your nail would probably just.

I was like, do you love?

And she's like, get your fake nails off the floor.

Off the floor.

It's okay.

Our carbon here is like a cesspool of disaster.

Now there's just one of your nails floating around in it.

And it's very unbrand.

It's like, you know, it's just a part of it.

Carpets are great because they just eat it up.

Soak it up.

It's a part of Toast history now.

You know?

I love that.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I have a common story with you and Teresa Judice.

Oh.

Because I used to work for Betches as an interviewer.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Back in the day.

I know this story, like, like, kind of, but go say it.

So, yeah, I...

I was confident because I'm half Italian, half Jewish.

And I was like, I didn't watch Real Housewives of New Jersey, and I just was like, I know this woman's name.

And I get up and I'm so cocky and confident.

And I'm like, Teresa Gwiddy J.

And she goes, what'd you call me?

That's not my name.

Yeah.

And I'm so embarrassed, we get over it.

I've seen that video, by the way, and it's one of the best things on the internet.

Like, I highly recommend everyone go find it.

And I love that I like kept it in because I edited it and I was like, she deserves to tell the people the truth.

No, it's an honest moment.

Thank you.

Fast forward, I see Teresa on the street.

She's like wearing a gown doing something important.

And we make eye contact and I could tell she knows who I am.

And I'm like, oh my god, Teresa loves me.

And I'm like, hi.

And she goes, girl with no job.

And I'm like, I deserve that.

We're one for one.

We're one for one.

And I went for it.

Like, I just went with it because I'm not going to tell Teresa she's wrong.

Honestly, though, like the fact that Teresa knows Girl with No Job, like she's been on the podcast, but like she does a million things.

She's like literally the busiest woman alive.

The fact that she knows Girl with no job, like I'm sorry that happened to you, but for me?

No, I was like, yes, I do have a huge social following and a book and a husband, and I'm hilarious.

Thank you.

And I must have a husband.

Almost.

Can I ask you a question?

Like, I'm, if there's one thing about me, I'm a press-on-nail girly, but I'm also like a huge internet sleuth, like beyond.

Like, I read everything.

It's like, just like, I'm the worst type of person on the planet.

And a couple weeks ago, like, there was like a lot of theories that you were not engaged anymore.

Did you know that?

Yes, 100%.

But then you were like posting your regular life and like you were still engaged.

Yeah, I was actually on a ski trip with Des and my phone fell in the snow crying, screaming.

That's a typical shit.

Yes, if you're not crying during your ski trip, did you even ski?

So I went to the Verizon store and I'm like waiting to fix my phone, which you know is a nightmare.

Awful.

And then my phone's blowing up and people are like, are you okay?

And I'm like, honestly, no, my phone is far too.

And they're like, no, are you guys still together?

And I think it's because we haven't.

I'm not, I don't like post him a lot recently, especially after being on a reality show with him for a second.

And I think people assume if you're not like always posting a relationship that you guys hate each other.

Yeah.

But I'm trying to normalize that like you don't have to prove that you love your person.

I couldn't agree more.

Like normalize keeping like important things in your life private.

Yeah.

And I think also he's the kind of guy that doesn't really like promoting his relationship.

Like that was never his life.

He's been single like he's 46.

He's exhausted.

He's tired.

He doesn't want to do photo shoots.

And we respect that for him.

And low-key, I kind of like being like, he's the least interesting thing about me.

I actually, I feel that for you.

I do.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to decenter men from our lives, which is hard because I'm obsessed with and we're obsessed with our men.

But I do think that was kind of the root of it.

That people went with it because they're like, she hasn't posted about him in three months.

Right.

I know.

And then I was seeing him like, oh my god, I haven't seen him on her Instagram.

I'm like, oh no, like maybe they did break up.

And I recently did a TikTok about like that couple that posts three paragraphs.

I'm like, the longer the caption, the shorter the relationship.

I have to say, when you're posting on Instagram, think about the motive.

Why are you posting?

why do you want to tell it also if you're talking about ups and downs before you even got married like what are we doing i couldn't agree more and like i'm not trying to fight with anyone i'm just saying

instead of trying to get the world to think your relationship is awesome work on trying to actually make your relationship awesome and then also no relationship is the fairy tale that people are posting on instagram that's why when celebrities break up everyone's like i don't believe in love and it's like no the love you were seeing was not what it actually was right no and like people break up all the time and it doesn't validate love like it's

empowering.

We love a breakup moment.

So you're a bride.

Okay, I also did watch her say yes to the dress.

Girl, girl, no one's judging your reality TV moment.

No one is judging.

That's true.

Sorry, no one is judging.

I'm judging glass houses, bitch.

No one is judging.

I just have to say, I loved your dress.

I know it wasn't the one you chose because I'm soothed to.

Yeah, but because I tried to go back, I obviously wasn't going to like pick a dress on camera.

Like that's just crazy to me.

I can't explain it.

So I said yes and I was like, let me come back for this dress, do alterations, like, bring more people, see if I really like it.

And when I came back, they're like, the dress is gone.

I'm like, okay, like, it wasn't meant to be.

I wasn't, like, that in love with it.

And then I tried on a bunch of other dresses.

I'm like, shit, I really needed that initial dress.

But the silhouette was right.

The silhouette was right.

It was really beautiful.

Overall, a negative experience.

Would I do it again?

No.

Would I recommend to a friend who's getting married?

No.

I do think, though, like you had to.

You had to.

I love watching Say Yes of the Dress when I saw you on it.

I saw that like you were totally having fun with it your sisters were so cute on it it's this is the thing with reality tv it's context yeah it's context context context random me and the girl whose house flooded in louisiana like how is that fair a thousand percent how does that fair and but i do think that seeing you so excited and also seeing you as a young successful woman who also has this great career that you're not like what is he gonna let me spend for the dress i liked that no like bitch i'm paying for it yeah it was empowering um well thank you so much for bringing that up.

I can't wait to bring up some of your embarrassing moments, if that's okay.

The second I said it, I was like, oh, no, no, no.

Because in my head,

it was a fun experience for me.

No, and you know what?

Like, at the time, I was so excited about it.

Like, I loved to say yes to the dress.

I haven't really watched a single episode since mine because I'm just like so scarred from the experience.

You're like, how dare you come on my show?

And bring up trauma.

You're literally bringing up my trauma.

The first time I went on Taylor Sharker's radio show, who gave me my first ever radio experience,

serious?

On actually, no, her solo.

She's a little bit of a shiter show.

Subscribe, download, swipe up.

She, um, it was like a three-hour show, so I came in, like, I was about to run a marathon.

Oh, I've done that before.

Her three-hour shows are so low.

I had a Gatorade, a banana, and a scone.

And then at some point, the scone was really dry, and we were putting it to the face.

She got so many messages after.

They call it Scone Gate now, where they were like, never let that woman with the scone chewing be on your platform again.

By the way, first rule of audio broadcasting, no food in sight.

I've had like big-time celebrities come and chewing gum, and I'm like, do I want to fight, do I want to start this?

It's just, I mean,

kids are making millions of dollars doing ASMR.

So I was like, Taylor, maybe I was ahead of the game.

Yeah, maybe.

But she had to have a sit-down.

She's like, I think you're funny, and I think you have potential.

But if you ever walk in my studio again with a dry scone, we're going to go and have a fight.

A scone is a choice.

You chose violence that day.

You did.

So anyway, just shout out to Taylor.

I love Taylor Streker.

I love you for being here.

Congrats on your wedding.

Congrats on all your stand-up success.

You're like never in New York now, right?

You're constantly...

I'm doing this thing where I'm going to random cities and doing my stand-up and we call it like testing different locations and the girlies are everywhere.

The girlies are everywhere.

And I do think I've Giggly Squad with Paige.

I think the toasters and the gigglers over

Paige and I joke that she's the Jackie and I'm the Claudia.

And we're not trying to like say we are the morning toast because we would never.

No, because you're a Giggly Squad.

You're like unique on your own.

But

we do like the dichotomy.

100%.

Where the listeners can be like, I'm a page.

I'm a Hannah.

So you have a Giggly Squad.

You also have your own podcast.

I think that, now that I'm alone and Jackie's obviously, you know, nurturing a life.

Alone and scared.

Vague and afraid.

I have been doing some alone podcasts, like especially on our Patreon.

And I have like the

most respect for people who host solo podcasts.

Do you do like a lot of content on your own?

And like when you do, how the fuck do you do it?

Like who do you talk to?

Okay, so Burning in Hell started right before I began reality TV, where I was like, I want people to, if they like me, be able to get more of me, see my authentic voice, whatever.

So, I talk to people about their demons.

It's a mental health comedy pod, Burning in Hell.

You have to, like, butter people up, then break them down, then bring them back up.

That's what I'm doing to you right now.

Yes, I know, I'm sweating.

And

it's so much harder than me going with Paige for an hour and just shooting the shit.

So, you're gonna have some guests that like are very famous, but you've no chemistry with, and you're like, I pulled teeth the whole time and I hate myself.

And was I the awkward one?

But I think it's gonna make you stronger as a performer.

It's just a lot more work.

It's so scary.

Like, I just, now I see, like, I'm looking in the podcast store, people who host their own podcast.

I'm like, respect, respect, respect for every single one.

You know what's hard about it?

You have to listen.

So

I have been told, like, since I was a child, I was always like a very theatrical, loud, annoying, some would say, same child.

And people are always like, you're going to have your own talk show one day.

And like for a while growing up, I'm like, yeah, that's what I want.

Like, I want to have my own talk show.

And I'll never forget like the realization I had.

I'm like, well, a talk show is actually mostly listening to other people.

Like, you bring out guests, you bring out experts, you bring out panelists.

I'm like, um, actually, no, like, I want to be the person who goes on the talk show, not vice versa.

Yes.

I will edit Giggly Squad sometimes and hear things Paige said and be like, never heard that in the moment.

First time.

100%.

We were just going at each other and it's so organic and so fun.

But yeah, you have to listen.

You have to take what they say and go deeper.

And it's hard.

And I'm sorry for that.

However, I think you have a way of bringing a side of people out.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

And I love that for you.

I also, I'm not trying to brag, but during a very depressive episode.

Oh my God, you talking TikTok sounds and so do I.

And this is going to be like the most annoying podcast episode of all time.

I've like TikTok has fully gone to my head.

Me too.

My whole stand-up bit is like literally me talking to TikTok.

I love TikTok sounds like a bunch of stuff.

Do you want me to do about that?

Like, that's all I do.

It's so annoying.

I have a TikTok first to make after, but anyway, during a particularly depressive episode, I read your entire book.

Oh, wow.

That must have been really dark time for you.

No, I just have to say, and I'm like literally licking your asshole right now, but

that book was so vulnerable.

Oh, my gosh,

so insightful, and I giggled the whole time.

Thank you.

Because I was going through a really hard time in my career.

So I was like, let's see someone who's actually, even though you're younger, has had the most incredible journey

and like is aspirational to me.

Thank you so much.

So everyone needs to read the book.

I like.

I read girlwithnojob.com slash book.

Yeah, you really.

And when I say I don't read, like, I can't even get through a long Instagram caption.

Oh, by the way, me neither.

But that's, I think, just awesome.

And I can barely read.

So the fact that I got through it is truly incredible.

Thank you.

Ew.

How long did it take you to write?

A while.

Like from January.

No, actually, like seven months.

Not as long as I thought.

Yeah.

You don't have that much time.

Like you have a deadline.

They're like, girl, where's the chapters?

Where's the pages?

It reminds me of Vanderpump when Stasi just like sitting there like

But you know what I wanted to say is that I actually think what you've done is really interesting and I think it was actually really smart like I think a lot of people would have gotten on a on a show like Summerhouse and like thought like you know they're made in the shade I'll have money for life like I'm set I don't have to work ever again but I thought you did such a good job of like really branding yourself outside of the show building other businesses to podcasts that so like when the time came when like you were done with the show you still have so much going on and i think that's like a mistake a lot of reality stars it happens to them a lot it's like you get so comfortable you're making this money and it's like you seemingly are just living your life and getting paid to live your life yeah in 15 minutes of fame you feel like everyone's always gonna care it's gonna last forever Exactly.

And I do think the girlies need to embrace, and I hate to sound like a finance TikTok right now, but like multiple sources of income.

Building generational wealth, is what they always say.

Yeah, no, you're right.

We love.

And I think where I feel connected to you also is I kind of started as a meme page too where I was writing I was like Betch's boot camp I called it I was writing like 80 to 100

I know that was my first start in entertainment we worked in a we work triggering I think I've actually been to that we work

yes and I I think I remember you coming to the office before but I was just like one of the girls on a computer yes

but I was writing so many memes and so many tweets and writing my own writing funny videos for them but then I realized how my voice was different than their voice and I started writing my own tweets and like pitching it to meme accounts I probably pitched you because I was annoying.

But you have to be.

You have to be.

You have to be.

No, literally, being thirsty is like the new thing.

And men are not thirsty.

No, they just network.

And it's like.

Men are networking.

Men are being strategic with their synergy.

They're big partners.

They're big workers.

They call them financial analysts.

Right.

No, they're just their sponsors.

So, yeah, I started, I got like a following of people who liked my tweets before Summerhouse, and I started my podcast.

So Summerhouse to me was like this lucky opportunity that helps me get more of a platform and was such a fun experience when I was single and drunk and 26.

Carefree.

And carefree.

And then now that I, now I can really focus on my stand-up, which I don't think I would have had the confidence if I hadn't been on camera and like learned that I like to write and be in front of the camera.

No, I think it's great.

Like I think this journey for you is really meant to be.

But that's why I liked reading your book because there's so many journeys out there, like how to get into law school or how to become a reality TV star that's very like, these are the ways you do it.

Right.

Where you are like chaotic energy and that is where I feel you're my comfort you know the chaos like that's how there's comfort is a chaos yes and I think that people who do their like five-year plans it's super restricting like can't be me we didn't even you didn't even know tick tock would blow up right a year ago how could you say I want

you are so blown up on TikTok like I need advice because I there's nothing in the world that I care more about than TikTok I will and there's nothing in the world that TikTok cares less about than me

and it's very very upsetting it's just it ain't right honestly well you're you're on, I'm in, you're in my algorithms.

Because we follow each other.

Okay, so we're obsessed with each other.

So I'm like, she's killing it.

I'll tell you, girlies, right now, because anyone should do it.

I'm posting two to three times a day right now.

I know.

Like, that's, this is the, there's one thing about me.

I'm a press-on-nailie girly.

But I'm also, like, hands down, the laziest bitch alive.

Like, it is amazing, like, that I've built a business because you would die if you knew how lazy I was.

Like,

so posting to you TikToks today, I'm like, uh, no.

No, but you, it's, you have to think of it as like...

A job.

Like, you have to work at it, of course.

Also, this is going to sound horrible, but quantity over quality.

Okay, yeah, because I'm not.

You cannot be a perfectionist with your TikTok videos at all.

Yeah.

And I also am going to tell you this, and this is going to make you want to do it.

You're coming up with stand-up bits all the time.

Yeah.

Whenever you think of a premise, which is like a concept for an idea, say it to the camera and come up with a funny little surprise at the end and just post it.

So these are like bad jokes.

That didn't make the cut of the show.

Or it's the beginning and then in a month, it's a beautiful joke you're doing on stage for thousands of people.

That's actually an interesting way to do it.

So you use it as like throwing, it's like tweeting, like my tweets are crazy.

It's like rehearsal.

Yes.

Okay, I see that.

And people just want like the funny idea that it's shareable.

Yeah.

And I see you as a TikTok princess.

So do I, but like TikTok doesn't see me at all.

You need to bully the shit out of TikTok and be like, I'm here, I'm here, but you're doing it.

No, not me literally thinking I'm shadow banned.

Because I'm like I'm never going viral I'm like oh my god tiktok is suppressing me like the out okay I just saw the video you have to make this when you get home be like the girl who thinks she's shadow banned even though her videos are just bad and you have little cuts of being like oh my god they shadow banned me again and that's literally me and I'm obsessed with that phrase it's but it's true I'm like I'm laying in bed with Ben I'm like search me on tick tock do I come up because also shadow banned means like you're low-key important that you did something

yeah like yeah like you're being censored by the government yeah it's like they had to stop you you were being so intense so that's just maybe like my grandiose, like the way I see myself is like more important than I am.

But also, let's be honest, you have conquered every single platform.

This is the universe being like, let's give you a little challenge.

Yeah, no, and the thing is, like, I'm not up for the challenge.

I'm like so defeated.

I'm like, people are always giving me tips.

Like, Remy Bader was on.

I'm like, give me tips.

And she was giving me like really good shit.

Remy Bader was like, take clothes and shit on.

And I was just like.

I was like hearing her and I was like, no, like, I'm not.

Well, Remy does like full long, intensive, beautiful videos right and like she works so hard at it She works so hard and we love that for her.

We do we're so supportive, but like when it came to her advice I'm like I'm hearing you, but I'm not hearing but I'm also reckless with tick tock like I'll post four in a row at midnight.

Oh like I'll be people are like that's that's not how you have like strategy.

I have no strategy except keep pushing forward keep trying

Just keep bothering people until they care.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I kind of like this identity for you and maybe other girls will connect with the shadow banned princess.

Should I change my username?

I think you should.

Maybe start a second account.

Like, you know, all these famous people have like a verified account and then like a fake TikTok account.

You have a fan.

I think I'm going to be, what was it?

The shadow banned queen?

Yeah, the shadow banned queen.

Yeah, I kind of love that.

I like that girl on TikTok, the queen of getting banned.

Yes.

So I'm going to be the queen of getting shadow banned.

Yes.

I love that for me.

Okay.

But you've never been shadow banned before.

Not once.

No.

Nary, not a moment.

No.

No, I'm fully available to be followed.

I love how Ben four times a day is like checking.

And he's like, he wants to be there for me.

He's like, no, babe, you're coming up.

I'm like, but maybe it's because you follow me.

Like, go make another account and then look up, see if I come up.

I've done that with my manager, I have to say.

And I'm like, you follow me.

You don't understand this.

I'm part of your algorithm.

And they're like, bitch, you just put up a terrible video.

No, I know.

It's like, your content is just horrible.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

Thanks.

Appreciate it.

We figured it out.

Hannah is going to join me on today's episode doing the fast five, talking all things, you know, talking shit.

So I think we should just jump into it because if we don't, like, we will never.

Yeah, we need the momentum.

Here are the fast five stories that you need to know before you wake up and take a bite out of your morning toast.

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All right, Hannah, are you ready?

I'm so ready.

I can't lie.

I wish you came on a day where like the news was popping, but you know, we do the show every day, and like not every day can be.

No, we'll make it pop.

We'll make it pop.

So here's some.

Make my pussy pop.

Yes, let's cut the puss, okay?

Here's a big nothing burger from page six.

Rihanna plays coy when asked about her diamond quote engagement ring.

So she's staying mom on the massive diamond ring.

She's been rocking on that finger this week.

She said, this old ring, you act like you've never seen it before.

She joked at the paparazzi in LA on Tuesday when she was asked point blank if she's engaged to boyfriend Asep Rocky.

So she's wearing a Sloan solitaire ring from Bryony Raymond.

And Rihanna has actually sported this ring a few times in the past, albeit on a different finger.

So she said, I feel like that's a type of mom I'm going to be psycho.

Oh, okay.

So let's talk about two things.

First, it's like, do you think Rihanna's engaged?

I think pregnant Rihanna is back in the limelight so hard and it's so funny to me because she was like, I hate everyone.

And then she got pregnant and she's like, what do you guys want?

Yeah.

Like literally belly for everyone.

Yeah, and then there's a celebrity thing where they're like, I have so many diamonds, I forgot if I'm engaged or not.

And that's like aspirational in a way, but it's also like annoying.

It's not special.

I actually feel bad for them, you know?

Like, you have so many diamond rings that you don't even value one that was given to you, like, by someone you love so dearly.

Like, how sad I have sympathy for you.

I'm an empath, so, like, I feel sadness for other people, you know, and that's how I feel when I see Rihanna, like, with all of her engagement rings, you know?

Yeah, diamonds are forever, as Rihanna says.

Yeah, I also think it's

Rihanna who said that.

Oh,

originally.

That was Ralph Waldo Emerson.

No, it was like originally like

someone older and then like reanimated her thing.

But yeah, no, I agree.

But like, Riri made it fun.

I think it's anyway.

We don't do history.

So she, I feel like celebrities love having babies before they get married.

It's almost like become choogy to get married.

I couldn't, like, the traditional.

Am I choogy getting married?

No, like, I feel like the way like Haley and Justin are doing it is like really chuggy.

You know, like marriage and then like a couple years, baby, like very Christian.

Like, I think, like, the way Gen Z perceives like cool things now, like they would find that choogie.

Yeah, like even planning a wedding, so many times I've been like, is this, this is so choogy.

I have to tell you that like weddings are choogie.

Like, and even like the most tasteful, the most refined, chic, big budget look, like, it's it's chugging.

And it's choogy to Gen Z's, obviously, because they can't get married.

They're 14.

They're just jealous.

They're just jealous.

They're literally 14.

They're literally 14.

Yeah.

So it's not like in.

Right.

But I feel like Rihanna, she's having fun with it, but it's interesting to me because we're all just like put out new music.

No, she's like, nah, I think I'll have a baby.

I think I'll have a baby.

No, I think I'll start a lingerie line.

I think I'll start a billion dollar makeup company.

I think I'll have a boyfriend.

I will not put out music.

Yeah, but yeah, she's putting out a new life, which obviously I support.

It's super important.

It's super beautiful.

Yeah.

We believe in new life here at the Morning Tower.

We're pro-new life.

We're pro-life.

No, I'm totally kidding.

Pro-new life.

New life.

Pro-new life.

Like, we've welcomed you.

But then again, the baby is not asking to be be put in this world,

which I feel like it's a little selfish.

That's a hot take.

Extremely hot take.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, like if I had

known that, like, I was going to have to, you know, deal with all this bullshit once I got out of the womb, I might have second-guessed.

If I had known that I was going to be shadow banned on TikTok every day of my life, would I want to be here?

Would I have accepted?

I don't think Rihanna's engaged.

I think she's just rich, which is just a common misconception in Hollywood.

Like, she's like, Kylie's always with these massive diamond rings.

And it's like, nope, not engaged.

Just enjoy.

It's like one of my six stylists accidentally put it on the wrong hand.

Right, you only have so many things.

And I will fire her.

And you're not going to put it on your thumb.

Yeah.

Because you really only have eight.

Or even a pinky.

So you really only have six.

Was Chloe's massive heart ring an engagement ring?

Unclear.

Unclear.

She's just rich.

She's just rich.

But then what I think you'll enjoy, because we were just talking about Teresa, is earlier in the week,

Rihanna was asking what kind of mom she would be, and she said she's going to be psycho like Teresa Judice.

We don't love that word.

We don't love the word psycho, however.

I feel like Teresa is such a fucking good mom.

I think she is like say what you want about Teresa and I have plenty to say when it comes to housewives.

She's an amazing mom.

Teresa's an amazing mom.

Her daughters are killing it.

Her daughters are like look at Gia.

Gia is incredible, but also Melania is my like queen.

Queen.

And also like I want to grow up and become Melania.

Don't count out.

Gabriella.

Don't count out Gabriella.

Because especially in the last week's episode, like she will come for you, even if you're her mother.

Do you know why she's dangerous?

Why?

We would not understand this?

She's silent.

She listens.

Yeah, she's silent.

Like Louis says, two ears, one mouth, listen.

And we've never experienced that before in our lives, so we wouldn't know.

That was like a crazy thing for someone to say.

Two ears, one mouth.

Listen more.

If my fucking husband, if Ben ever said that to me, like, I'd be like, get the, pack your things.

I'd be like, one mouth, bite your dick off.

I'd be like, one mouth, get the fuck out.

Pack your things.

Ben is

sweetheart.

Best.

You take for granted a man that is like down to do all the content with you?

Because the average man is like, absolutely not.

No, can I tell you, actually, I really don't take it for granted.

I'm like super grateful to Ben every time.

But also, Ben loves it.

Like, Ben loves being married to the content queen.

Because like all these opportunities, like he podcasted with me yesterday, and he's like really popular.

People love him as a co-host.

Personally, like I hate to put my marriage on display because people are like, we're like a bickering type.

Yes.

And people are always like, oh, honey, it's so mean to him.

I'm like, no, like, have you ever been married?

Like, that's what it's like.

you're like I don't want to pick sides But he deserves it But he loves it and he gets up yesterday He was like yesterday's episode He was it was strong like it was a good one and he gets up and he's like I feel like I'm becoming a natural I'm like yes

But I also think that when you're in the kind of job we are you need a person who's supportive of it like I don't want to bring up like talk about other people, but like Paige and Craig for example I love this moment for her where she's with a guy who's fully supportive of her reality TV career because I've been with her where like she's dating and it's hard.

Can I tell you like the bullets I would take for Paige and Craig as a couple?

Like

I

literally like I didn't, the two of them never crossed my mind as even potential suitors.

And now that they're here, like I,

I don't think I'm ever gonna be the same, honestly.

And by the way, I just wanna put it out there, like not to put pressure on them as a couple, but if they ever break up, like seriously, I will riot.

I will storm the Bastille.

We do not want to put pressure on them.

Or negative energy.

Or negative energy or any kind of anything.

But the fun thing is I will call her to like talk shit.

And he's in on it with her.

Like he's popping in.

He's telling me the drama.

And I'm like, this is, you love a guy who actually cares about the friend drama.

And if there's one thing about me, I'm a press on nail girly.

I have been like a Craig Conover girly since day one.

Like I have been.

I've been here for Craig like constantly.

And Jackie really is responsible for that because she's been like a real southern charm like historian.

And and she has always seen the value in Craig and how Craig always stood by Catherine, and how the whole fucking cast was wrong about Catherine, and they all took Thomas's side except Craig.

So, not only is Craig a pressure sham of a man, Craig is a man who supports women, and like just the fact that these two found each other, like I really can't put into words the joy I feel.

So, I just, if you could, so with that said, when you're looking for a man, find someone who really does fit into your career

because your career is number one with him, right?

So, it's like, for example, the fact that Des is also a stand-up, but he's in like, he's 46.

He's like lived his life and he literally is like, go work.

I was selfish when I was 30 is important.

Yeah.

Because you will get animosity towards him if he starts being like, oh, you're going to do the morning toast when we're supposed to cuddle.

Absolutely not.

Oh, my God.

That's so lame.

Also, like, you having a man that's much older than you, like, tell me about that.

We love a zaddie.

Yeah, like, is it just nice to meet with someone who's like so wise, like, has so many years of wisdom?

That's the thing.

Do I hate that he's lived so much life without me?

And do I like use it against him every day?

Yes, that would kill me because like me and Ben met when we were literally like seven and I'm like well

you guys are so pure and cute.

What were you doing before me?

Like literally like

my mom was cutting up my PB and J.

Like what do you want me to do?

Like that kills me.

So like if there was more time like I would literally like kill someone.

So I've joke that I have my bachelorette party coming up.

It's in Miami.

We're very excited.

And I'm like Des, what are you going to do for your bachelor party?

And he's like, my whole life's been a bachelor party.

And I'm like, ew.

And then he goes, I'm just going to sit down and close my eyes and remember things.

And I'm like, ooh, ew.

That's hot, but ew.

But he's literally tired.

He's exhausted.

He's not chasing women on the street.

He's on the verge of arthritis.

Like, it was bad for him.

But he has like the swag of a guy who's lived a long life.

And also.

There's a lot of security knowing like he physically cannot go chase women.

Exactly.

We love that for you.

He currently just got like a little hip operation.

We love his spirit.

We love

his lower back.

I say, girls, if you want to find a zaddie, you go to Walgreens and you hang out in the Advil section.

They're all over the place just like snorting.

But I also, to get a little deeper, I think that I had a really tough relationship when I was like 25, as everyone should.

And then I got really kind of blacked off.

And I loved going after these really hot men who I had no real emotional

connection.

Or even like, I would tell myself, like, I don't respect them.

Like, I would never take them seriously for a marriage.

And you really have to respect how their mind works and respect the conversation.

But it was fun for me to live a little, like, fucking models and dumb football guys.

And then you eventually, that was me being closed off because I knew that I didn't want to be vulnerable.

Right.

Because I didn't want to be hurt.

Right.

And then with Des, I actually...

He called me out because we like started talking and I like posted something with another guy and he was like, by the way, if you want to play games, like, that's cool.

I just like, I'm too old for that.

I'm too old for that.

I couldn't agree more.

And I literally, my tail went between my legs and I never do this normally I'd be like okay go fuck yourself and I was like

I was like I'm so sorry that's not me that's not who I want to be in this yeah and from that moment on it he just kind of knew what he wants and he's kind of like three-quarters baked like he's learned from a lot of his exes the basic stuff because we don't we're working women we don't have time to teach a man no we certainly don't but I do has somehow have found time to teach a man how to pick his clothes up off the fucking floor and put them in the motherfucking hamper like I mean there's two kind of relationships I think where you literally grow together and you evolve into this beautiful tree or whatever metaphor you want to use, or two people who have kind of been independent and happen to enjoy each other.

Right.

So like,

and I've recently come to this realization because I was always like, yeah, I got married young.

Like everyone should do it.

But honestly, the older I get, I realize like no one should get married young.

Like, because when I think about like the gal who got married at, well, the girl, the gal who got engaged when she was 21, I'm like, I so don't know that girl.

Like, we are so different.

And it's very possible I could have turned into a person that Ben hated or Ben could have grown up into a person that I fucking hated.

And that's why divorce is okay.

Right.

It's totally okay.

But that's why it's like, think it through.

Think it through.

Well, it's like trends.

Yeah.

Like he's trendy when you're 20, but is he chooky by the time you're 29?

Right.

So there's just a lot to think about when it comes to your potential suitor.

And I'm so happy that you found someone.

And I do, it does make me realize, thank you.

It does make me realize that when you're a celebrity, it's almost like, why, why are we rushing for like the paper and stuff?

It's like, let yourself.

show you a lot of money exactly exactly but I was I didn't want to let people know I was very single in quarantine with four cats living with my parents in Shelter Island when I was 29 you have four cats my mom does okay because like but I do have one her name's butter but you have a cat I have a cat

and are we done here should I leave so thank you so much we'll finish the show without you I do say that cats have terrible PR no cats are just terrible period I

just mean to say in front of, like, you obviously love your cat, but, like, I.

You're like, your cat should be thrown out a window, but I love her.

I don't support animal abuse.

You have a king

of colour, yeah.

I love those dogs because I think they're like cats.

Girl, get a grip.

Like,

no, like, aesthetically, how they're like that size, and then you, like, pet them, and they're just, like, lap listening under your.

He was really important to me, and I would appreciate it if you didn't just, like, slander his name literally right in front of my face.

Okay, this is, I actually say this on stage sometimes, but like, dogs have the puppy bull, Marley and me, Airbud.

Like that's yeah, cats got nothing.

Cats have, no, cats have the cats movie.

That ruined lives.

Yeah, but you know what else you have that like kind of trumps everything?

Taylor Swift.

Yeah, that's like kind of the hardest part for me, honestly, about being a Swifty

is knowing that like, honestly, if Taylor invited me over to her house and there were cats there, like I wouldn't go.

Okay, I try to do that.

I'm like,

it's not an if, it's like when I become friends with Taylor Swift, how are we gonna get around the cats?

I feel like I'm a cat missionary and like we're gonna have a riot right now, but if you've never had your own cat, you've never understood the relationship with it.

That's true.

And I'm not gonna force you.

I'm not gonna force a cat on you.

I want a King Charles, even though I think they think they're better than me.

They are

better than me, too, by the way.

Like I see them down the street and they're like, ew.

No, no, literally, Theo walks down the street.

He's like, he's literally Anna Delvey.

So basic.

So poll.

VIP like I'm embarrassed for you

but I'm obsessed with Theo also do you get do you get any um competitiveness with your King Charles dogs in the family no so like the thing is is that Theo's the king and like you know he was the first to ever do it and Bruno and Magnolia are amazing and I literally have so much love in my heart for them like no one's ever gonna be Theo yeah he's OG but I am going to manifest like a private jet moment with my cat in a backpack as Taylor Shift.

Tailswift.

No, and you know what?

That I 100% support.

But also like, has anyone checked on the cat?

Like did the, was the cat okay with that?

Yeah, by the way, those backpacks that like people throw their cats in are a little weird.

I see them all the time.

Or like if you start walking your cat, I think leashes are hilarious, especially leashes on children.

On cats.

No, and like, by the way, I'm not like a cat expert, but like maybe cats, like, they don't need oxygen.

Like, I don't understand those backpacks.

Cats are just evil beings that don't need air.

Right, like, what the the fuck?

Yeah.

So we strayed far away from Rihanna being engaged.

I go, sure, we'll do the fuss five.

But I

think that the general consensus is no.

She's not engaged.

She's not engaged.

She's rich.

Okay, next story is about two of my literal favorite people in Hollywood.

Keith Urban recalls the moment his wife Nicole Kidman staged an intervention after a boozy bender prior to his rehab stint in 2006.

Allegedly, he said, I went went off the rails.

So Keith Urban is recalling this moment.

He did,

oh, he has an extract from his book

written by someone else, but it's a book about Keith Urban.

And it was published in the Daily Telegraph.

So he checked himself into the Betty Ford Center, chic,

in October 2006.

And Keith told Rolling Stone that in 2016, he would have understood if Nicole chose to leave him

that year because they had only gotten married that year.

He said, I was very, very blessed to have Nicole call an intervention on me because the implosion,

because it could have caused the implosion of my marriage.

I don't know why I can't fucking talk today.

Sorry.

So he reflected.

The Daily Mail writes, like, not in English.

I'm sorry.

It's not the point.

The voice.

It's just like so much words.

The voice Australia coach.

Like, why?

They're like trying to fill a word count.

Right.

Also reflected on the intervention with Oprah Winfrey admitting to the famed talk show host that he went off the rails and needed help and a new direction in his life.

Nicole, who was in Rome for work at the time of his boozy bender, flew back to the States and rounded up his friends to stage an intervention.

Have you ever had an intervention?

It's like just like crying with your family all the time an intervention.

No, it's like your family telling you everything that's wrong with you.

I've.

So yes.

I also think this is so funny that Nicole was like off the rails.

I was with Tom Cruise.

This is adorable.

Right, right.

No, and think about it, like how bad must

Keith Irmin have been for like, because Nicole, you're right, Nicole Kinman has seen some shit.

Like Scientology, her kids like shunned her because crazy.

Yes.

how bad was Keith Irvin for her to have like really been concerned because that woman has she's seen things well I do think it's hard when you want to be with a rock star who's like fun and cool and it's a thin line with addiction because you will choose your addiction over your relationships but I love that she fought for him me too I love these two and I feel like she's heroic in the way that she's like I know I'm making millions of dollars in this in Rome for this movie but like my man is like having a moment a moment making it about him through some things

I like much like Paige and Craig, like

the bullets I would take, they're like one of my top five celebrity couples.

First of all, because I'm such a country music girly.

I'm a press-on nailing girly, and I'm also a country music girly.

And I, do you think I beat that joke, like, dead?

No, no, okay, I'll be back.

I mean, it'll die, but it'll come back.

Okay, okay.

Because she stopped laughing.

So, like, I didn't know if it was like funny anymore.

Like, I love these two.

I love country music.

I love her work.

Have you ever seen Stepford Wives?

Yes.

Such a good movie.

So good.

One of her underrated ones.

Yes.

Because she naturally kind of looks like a wax figure.

It was like the easiest role she's ever played.

She didn't even do hair and makeup.

But I also,

I think we love them because they're like partnerships.

Institutions, like Karen Huger would say.

And yeah.

And

he's a short king.

Yes, which we're going to get to because apparently it's Short King Spring, and I need to get your take on that.

He is a short king, by the way.

Not only is he a short king, she's really tall.

She's really tall.

But she also was with Tom Cruise.

Like, maybe she's got a thing for short guys.

They walk, so Zendaya Zendaya and Tom Holland could run.

Yeah.

Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?

I believe it's Zendaya.

Okay, I apologize to everyone for that moment.

You're right.

Like, he is the short king of our generation.

He's honestly, like.

And he's Australian and sings country.

Yeah, no.

Keith Urban is, to me, an anomaly.

But there is like a weird country music scene in Australia and New Zealand.

Like Kelsey Vallerini's husband, Morgan Evans, is an amazing country singer from Australia, too.

The twist, she loves country.

You didn't even go to like a southern college or anything, no.

I'm literally Jewish.

You're from Long Island.

Yeah, literally born and raised in New York and Long Island.

I did go to the University of Wisconsin, and I was forced to go to

a shoot.

What was it?

It was like an old school country concert, but I really liked it.

I do love chicken fried.

Zach Brown band.

Zach Brown Band.

And

yes.

Love that song.

The Twist.

She's Gorgeous.

Did you watch that special?

Yes.

Pat Cullen, we stand you.

It was

one of the best specials I've seen in a while.

So different.

The singing, like I was mesmerized.

First of all, her voice is incredible.

It's a new Netflix special.

Her name is Catherine Cohen.

I'd seen clips for it all over like Netflix and TikTok

and Instagram.

It was like unbelievable.

I loved it.

And what's great about it is that...

This special was ready to go.

She was going to film it and then quarantine hit.

So these are jokes that like she's had and had to like keep them and get them

excited and they aged great.

And I do think stand-up can be so much more just spinning jokes and her overall persona is so fun, so over the top, over the top, fabulous.

Psychotic.

Like I loved it.

You have to have her on.

No, I know, by the way, I literally just like was introduced to her.

Yeah.

And I'm obsessed.

Please come on the show.

Like please.

Because I mean, you guys are like kindred spirits.

Like not like we are.

We're gorgeous.

Like I'm not trying to get jealous of Kylohen and your friendship, but like the fact that you both sing and you're both gorgeous.

No, I agree.

Like, I was very much, like, feeling like this, like, I was feeling inspired, honestly.

Like, it was incredible.

The original songs were so good.

Yeah.

What are you running from?

Like, so good.

I loved it.

I hope everyone watches.

And loving attention.

Yeah.

She's just so self-aware while being not self-aware.

So honest, too.

Yes.

Yeah.

Like, it was just, it was amazing.

I highly recommend it if you're looking.

Oh, also, Bridgeton is out on Netflix this weekend.

So we love Keith Urban.

We love Keith Urban and just like wanting, I didn't even know he was sober.

It's crazy how I could be like his number one fan.

And I didn't even know that.

I do love a sober relationship because actually, Dez is sober.

Oh, really?

He's been sober since he's 19.

Important thing that no one talked about, which was like kind of crucial to like our experience.

Yeah, on sober events, of course, because it can be super toxic in that house if you're sober.

But he was so great.

He hung out with everyone the whole time.

We just went to bed like a little earlier.

So interesting.

So he's been sober since 19 because he realized like for his career, because comedy, it's so easy to just get plastered every night.

By the way, 100%, hundred percent like when i first started doing comedy i used to like take a shot before every show and i'd be like yeah like we're so crazy we're working and then like somebody like in you know those like random like old school comedy clubs in like north carolina like they those people have like seen shit yes she the manager there made this like really offhand remark like i don't think they meant anything by it but did they give you an intervention no

maybe

They were just like, yeah, that's how, you know, everyone becomes alcoholics, drinking before the show.

I'm like, oh my God, shit, you're right.

If I'm doing 100 shows shows a year and i need to take a shot before every show and then maybe like one after i'm like that's 200 shots and i immediately like i don't drink so when i go out afterwards like i will drink but i do not drink before but then a lot of the time what you don't really want to go out afterwards because you're like i'm exhausted sweaty sweaty the back of my neck like no disgusting and you just discuss you we're so on you're like can we turn off for a second 100 i i don't drink on the road either really and people hate it because i'm like i'm fun i'm crazy and then they want to hang out with you after and i'm not like this is it's not that it's an act but like I just prefer I'm much more witty sober too of course like when I'm drunk I'm just like look at my ass yeah no I do like like tick tock dances like it's not funny it's it goes like we're always teetering annoying I go full annoying do you perform have you have you performed drunk before I perform drunk sometimes like because during the week I'll have like four sets and I'll over the course of four hours and you're just hanging with comics and you start drinking yeah that's when I realize I have fun on stage but other people not so much yeah because I'm like this is hilarious and they're like no it's not you don't even finish the joke and you're like that is my favorite joke um but I do think comics are either like party party party or completely sober yeah no you're a hundred percent right but we love a sober king because think of the lack of fighting because we're not drinking like think of the lack of bad breath like think of a lack of a lot of things and then like do I hate that he pops up in the morning at 7 a.m.

ready to go like is that his biggest toxic trait that causes fights absolutely yeah because this is still the middle of the night for me right um but I'd rather that than us like fighting fighting over drunk stuff so what's that like I honestly I don't know if I could imagine myself in a relationship with someone who's sober just because drinking is like such a cornerstone and that's that's a me problem like spritzsociety.com that's like a cornerstone of my life and that's probably a problem but like what's that like for you well I I like that you your relationship started young because it probably wasn't based on partying.

No, not at all.

And I think for those people, like, you know, they joke, like, do you like him or is he just tall do you like him or is he just like good at partying with you right like you're both just wasting it like you think it's fun yeah and then is the dopamine of like being out and like having you know a Drake song come on and like you're kind of buzz like that's not love yeah and I do think that alcohol sometimes people use it as an excuse like oh he's just mean because he's drunk but it's like that's also the truth coming out of things and it just enables people to fight more.

So me also, I'm more of an eater.

Girl, preach.

And he's really good at eating with me.

Like, I'll look at him, he looks at me, we're doing a lot of fun.

That's a good entire beautiful relationship.

Yes, and I do think it's those that's our like naughty night.

I love that for you.

Okay, wow, I'm learning so much.

I had no idea about any of this.

We're having fun today.

Yes, we're having fun.

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All right, next up, some more wedding news.

Robin thinks fiancé, April Love Geary, says she won't sign a prenup.

She went on Instagram live, and no, not Instagram live, Instagram Q ⁇ A, and someone was like, Does Robin want a prenup before marriage?

Which is the type of question you ignore.

But she did not.

She said, I don't know, but I'm not signing one.

She then explained, he's not marrying anyone else after me.

How do you go from like the baddest bitch on the planet?

Where do you go from there?

Trash.

Love that for her, by the way.

And yes, she's not signing a prenup.

I honestly feel like these two have been engaged for so long, and I kind of hate Robin Thick.

Who doesn't?

He's like extremely good-looking and wonderful, velvety, thick voice.

But I just remember like the way he treated Paula Patton.

Like, I will never forgive.

And I'm just like, I can't really express how little I care about these two.

My like senses of like people who are trying too hard with their relationship is tingling so hard with that.

Radar is going on.

Also, like, who are you calling trash?

Like, leave the minimal,

like, leave the future person he's leaving you for.

Like, that's like even manifesting the, like, she manifested wrong there.

Yeah.

Also, this man cheated on his ex well like how can we not see what's going on like maybe this is a love match but that doesn't mean he won't cheat on you or that he won't like this is hollywood yeah also no matter how comfortable you are in a relationship i would never be like he will never leave me well i joke all the time like we're getting married on friday the 13th oh wow like if we're gonna get divorced that's not well it's not because of the 13th like i'm doing it i'm committing no but i will use that as an excuse if we do by the way even the most perfect marriages like i could see Ben leaving me like, I'm the worst.

Like, no, I'm not out here being like, I know for sure that my relationship is going to work forever.

We're all trying to provide every day.

Of course.

And I do think

calling,

she didn't call anyone trash, but I'm like, how dare you call that person trash?

No, like, she's like, who's he going to leave me for?

Trash?

But also, like...

We love the confidence.

We love the confidence, but like, who is trash when he leaves you?

He's trash.

Right.

If he cheats you on someone, let's get mad at him.

And, like, you should be getting paid for your time.

I don't want to bring up this traumatic moment but do you remember when he took a photo with that girl and the mirror was behind them and you saw him squeezing her ass no

what girl she was a fan

and it was while he was with calla so like i just whenever people say his name i visualize that photo no and mrada like spoke about her experience on that music video set as being like extremely toxic like yeah i like i literally hate this man but you're right they could be a love match because they're toxic in the right ways both of them and maybe he's evolved because i'm all about people evolving yeah i don't think like when you're that set set in your ways, like he's like a Cuba Gunning junior to me.

Like I don't think you're changing your ways at the ripe old age of 50 after grabbing women's asses for years and getting away with it.

What are you going to leave me for?

Also, like

I hate the idea, even on TikTok where people are like,

she's like calling other girls trash that your guys' been with.

I feel like...

The way you get confidence also in yourself as a girl is not being like, oh, there's a ranking system of like trash to amazing.

It's more like who has the best compatibility with the other person.

That's really true.

You know?

That's a really mature.

Well, I think I've the point of your 20s for me was like dating the guys who like Disney taught me to be attracted to.

Right.

Like the narcissistic, charming, high

guys.

Exactly.

Be with Gaston, realize it makes you.

absolutely miserable and find the person who's right for you, not right for society.

Even though, I do have to say, just as it pertains to Gaston, we have a big theory here at the Morning Toast, that Gaston was actually like a really nice guy.

He was a war hero.

He was extremely into Belle.

And the beast like, you know, kidnapped her.

And like kind of justice for Gaston.

Like all he did was really like want Belle.

And maybe his methods were a little crazy, but like haven't we all done crazy things for love?

I do also feel like they wanted a villain.

Right.

And like he did like get drunk and sing really loudly sometimes.

Yeah, but so do I.

Exactly.

And they wanted you to like root against him.

But I do think in Beauty and the Beast, I could could go on about Beauty and the Beast.

Me too.

Is that

no one wanted to fuck the guy he turned into.

He was a Fratty lacrosse dweeb who we hated.

The Beast at least was like 6'4 and pulled off crap.

And had a house.

He was a homeowner.

Had a palace.

Had a library and reads.

That's right.

That's super hot.

Also, I do have to say, like, if we had to choose a villain of the film, it's obviously Belle's dad.

He is the worst character.

He's a moron.

Like, you've made this trip back and forth to the farm or wherever he was going a thousand times, and you get fucking lost.

Like, get a map, bitch, write down directions.

He was like the village freak, and you know what?

Like, he was the villain.

At least Gaston was good-looking fun to look at.

At least Gaston, like, and Jackie once shared with me, like, somebody actually put together, like, this whole PowerPoint presentation of like why Gaston is an actual hero.

And, um, and if you look at like the socioeconomic like timing of the film, it's like post, it's pre-revolutionary France and actually in a few years, like there is this revolution and people like the beast, like they're overthrown by people like Gaston.

So in a few years time like Gaston is in power

in this, you know, so it would have been a long-term investment for her.

Exactly.

I also high-yielding.

And people will say the beast is super controlling and he is, but I do respect her for being like, I'm going to stay here and have gay utensils get me food the whole time and do the dishes because this is comfortable for me.

No, and it's like my napkins are going to dance their way onto my laps.

And back at home, I have to deal with my crazy ass dad.

So, you know what?

I kind of like it here, even though I live in a cell.

It does like go back.

That movie just is your therapy session.

Be like, it's let's stop blaming everyone.

It's your dad.

Right.

Like, who do you identify with in the film?

Because personally, I'm a lumiere.

Like,

no doubt.

Like, I dazzle, I entertain.

Like, I am a lumiere.

Oh, my God.

Who are you?

I feel like I'm like,

I'm the beast.

Obviously.

Yes.

Correct.

Has a man called me that before?

Absolutely.

But I do feel, you know, like my biggest war is with myself.

And I feel like the beast, you know, is just trying his best, but like has some mental issues.

Yeah, no, I agree.

That does sound like it.

Okay, so April Love Geary is not signing a prenup.

We don't care.

All right, according to the New York Post, actually according to TikTok, it's officially short king spring, and these fellas are soaring after years of getting the short end of the stick tick tock has declared that these little guys deserve a royal treatment short kings is the new wave sorry to all y'all giraffes one fellow celebrated on tick tock with a dance it's being dubbed short king spring on social media single new yorkers are looking for love Less than 5'8 and a group who have been notoriously short-sighted on dating apps are having their time because anyone taller than 5'11 no longer qualifies one female with a tall order announced.

But another one declared that she loves the shorties and the tick tock tag hashtag short king has more than 330 million views and some users are calling the increase in interest the short king spring the trend is perhaps inspired by tom holland and zendaya whose height difference is 5'8 and she's 5'11 and it doesn't deter their romance but it rather breaks the internet so

speak i do think that it's more about energy than height.

Oh my god, you're like so LA.

That was the most LA shit I ever said.

Because like, do I have jokes about short kings?

Absolutely.

Do I say that if we're on the Disney motive, Snow White, the fact that she was stuck with seven short men was truly scary for her.

But I do think I love a short man with like

bigger energy.

They have to try harder for sure.

Because then there's short men who have like the Napoleon energy.

Oh, so toxic.

I don't want to get political, but Putin.

And

I'm not trying to make this CNN, but Putin.

TNN, but same, same thing.

Yes, TNN.

So I think that it's, I love that we're like giving confidence to men about their physical bodies, but like it just seems like

what we're trying so hard to make men feel comfortable about their bodies.

I don't know, it just sits wrong with me.

I'm like, where's the energy for the female body positivity?

Where's the energy?

And

yeah, men,

this is toxic, but I just don't think men need a campaign to feel comfortable in their own bodies in a world where like they're valued for, they've always been valued for the personality and everything else.

And

they just have to be rich.

Like, shut up.

Okay, can I tell you why this story gives me like a pin in my stomach?

Because it reminds me of like the real first or maybe second time I ever got like in like trouble on the internet before obviously like the major downfall of 2018.

In like 2016 when I was in college and I was like writing these blog posts.

I was just like trying to find things to like write about that was like funny.

And I just like had this thought one day how like it just sucks to be a short guy.

So I wrote this like hella offensive blog post about how like as a guy, like if you're ugly, but like you're rich

or like really good at sports, like that just makes you hotter.

But the one thing like you really can never get around is being short.

Like it just fucking sucks.

Like you're always going to be the short guy, no matter how rich, no matter how smart, no matter how funny, no matter how athletic, you are the short king.

And someone, it was my blog back in the day was like not popular.

Like I can't stress that enough.

But somebody like found it and posted it on this sub Reddit, like for, it was called Our Shorts, like Reddit for Short People.

And these short guys were just like lamenting about being short and somebody posted a link to my blog post.

And I was like coming back from class in college and like I opened my computer and I I was like checking my Google Analytics and I had like 7,000 hits on my blog.

I was like, holy shit.

Like finally I'm not shadow banned.

I'm like, I've gone viral.

And I started reading the comments and I was literally getting death threats, like literally kill yourself.

And I was like, you could trace on Google Analytics like where the traffic is coming from.

And it was like Reddit.

I'm like, what is that?

I didn't even heard of it.

And I saw this.

Is this for ugly men?

They literally like, they tore me apart.

So I can really, no, I can provide no further comment on Tori

because of my trauma.

So, you go, so can you continue?

So, yeah, you can't do that.

I am notorious, though, for like, I know at Betches, I was writing a ton of the, like, do I like him or is he just tall?

Right.

I've come to the conclusion that just because he's tall does not mean he's a good person.

Have I stayed, like, the amount of inches a guy is above six feet is the amount of months I stay with him after discovering he's a trash bag.

Right.

So, like, the tallness has hurt me.

I also have gone from dating like six, ten guys to like a five, seven dude.

How tall are you?

I'm five seven.

And how tall is Dez?

Dez is six three and people don't talk about it enough.

Yeah so actually Ben is 6'1.

Ben is massive and I remember telling him that when I met him I go sturdy.

Yeah the thing is like I do feel a little guilty because I'm five feet zero.

Yep.

And I do feel like you know I am built

like evolution wise, like I should have been matched up with one of the short kings who's like 5'7 or 5'8 because that's still like way way taller than me are you attracted to a five seven king um i'm not attracted to anyone but my husband and my dog that was a test and she passed it but you i can like put you in my pocket like you're a literal

tiny and frail i i am taller i also like in my head wanted like a division one athlete child so i didn't have to pay for college but that was me just like planning too hard Des also in photos looks smaller than he is.

And people were like comparing him to certain short kings that I will not say.

And I was like, but he is 6'3.

And that is a huge reason why I was attracted to that man in the beginning.

I think attraction is important.

And we can be attracted to tall men, short men, whatever, but it's about being a kind,

good person.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I guess I think Keith Urban's really hot.

So yeah, I'm attracted to short men.

There's some short men where you're like, he

fucks good.

Well, I was just gonna say, I feel like short men are like,

no, they're just like into freaky shit, you know?

Well, like, sometimes their head is just like at my pussy, so they can just like go for it.

No, but I also think some tall men have that like tall man privilege where they didn't have to try.

No, and they were like blah.

Yeah, like their personalities, like they never had to establish a personality because they'd always get attention.

People laughed at their jokes when they weren't funny just because you're tall.

So there is something we said about short man that was like, I'm going to learn how to make a woman orgasm that I think some tall men missed that point.

Just so they can become competitive, like get in the game.

Yeah, so I do think there's pluses that we're not seeing here.

It's like that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon starts to date like John Hamm's character, and it's like she's dating someone so much more like stunning than her.

And she didn't realize, like, these beautiful people, like, they live in a different universe where, like, you go to a restaurant, you just like get a table.

You don't have to wait at the bar for 45 minutes.

And she's like loving, like, the riding the coattails of like this privilege.

And it's so true.

I've dated around the spectrum.

Like, I went from dating like a mascot in college to dating models because I thought it was like cool and it made me feel better about myself like but are you referring to Luke as models?

Sometimes, okay, but like I dated a

I dated a model where like he would say jokes to people that were so bad and stupid like worse than dad jokes and people would be like

And I'm like this is why he is the way he is the bar is so low the bar is so low and you do see that they're living in their own reality and that's why I think super hot people end up with super hot people because they can like live that shit together.

Yeah.

Where like I happened with me and Ben.

Yeah.

Exactly.

So you guys, that's why when you got shadow banned, you were like, this is crazy.

Yeah, we live in that beautiful people world where like shit like that just doesn't happen to us.

For sure.

Like you go like this and Uber's just come.

You don't even use the app.

Yeah, no, I just

do a little of this.

Well, we have one more story and I'm very excited to chat with you about it.

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All right, our final story is a little tech news because we're just like two tech influencer girlies.

Instagram's new chronological mode is exactly what a feed should be according to the verge.

So they announced on Wednesday that they're adding two new modes that change how the main feed works, bringing back the much-awaited reverse chronological view.

The company calls the two new modes the following modes and the favorite modes and say that they're designed to give you more choice and control over what you see while using the app.

And that is let you avoid things like suggested post and algorithm sorting.

So the description for the following feed is truly something to behold.

They say see the latest posts from accounts that you follow in the order that they were posted.

And then you could also have favorites where you choose like your favorite creators and you only see that feed.

I'm not crazy about having two different ways.

Like, just choose.

Yeah, like, because don't make us use our brain any more than we have to.

But we're on Instagram for a reason.

Like, we're obviously bored.

I am.

Yeah, because for some reason, we like took a break from TikTok.

Right.

I am having problems with Instagram.

I just don't feel inspired by it.

I mean, obviously, follow me.

My page is amazing.

But like, I can't,

I, I'm bored.

I feel like they've hit a wall compared to TikTok is doing so well.

And this is like making me even more nervous because, as a creator, it's like you just feel like Instagram just has like a couple people being like, let's twist this around.

I know.

Next thing you know, and they're like, post reels, reels aren't working.

No, like, the way that the chokehold Instagram executives have like on our bills being paid is so crazy.

You're 100% right.

And I feel like why people love TikTok is because TikTok is so like they back the creators.

They pay creators which is insane like the way youtube does the way instagram should so of course creators are flocking to tick tock they pay creators they make it so easy for creators to like be creative and and you and make content and and just have an easy experience on the app the algorithm is so good on tick tock where i swear everyone who follows me is just like me and the stuff i'm seeing like they're diagnosing me with ibs like yeah they know tick tock knows me more than me where instagram i feel like i'm walking into like what kind of like a social influencer event that doesn't really want me there That's such a good analogy.

And you're kind of like, well, that's cool, but like, do I even want to be here?

100%.

And I do think with social media, with everything, not to be LA, but if you feel bad about yourself after using it, stop.

Yeah.

So that's why I think we're naturally going to TikTok where it's stuff we want to see.

That's actually so fucking true.

Like, I don't feel bad about myself.

Like, I watched this woman yesterday right before bed.

I've ended up on like, I think Korean TikTok where she like

has this big bowl of like soup and there's like 15 hard-boiled eggs in there She eats each egg in like one bite and she just like with chopsticks which is crazy to pick up a hard-boiled egg with chopsticks She just takes each egg and like chews it and she's like this tiny little woman like how are you eating so many eggs?

And it was really like probably the best video I've seen in a while.

I need to see that immediately.

Next time I find one, I'll send it to you.

Because I envision it just being like, yeah, no, and it's like so satisfying.

She doesn't even chew, you know?

It's gorgeous.

I love that for her.

I know, and she's like eating so much and she's still so tiny, which is like my dream.

Do you see how that's like a beautiful and joyful moment?

I know.

And even besides what you're consuming on Instagram, the stress of being like, how do I make this photo dump like look interesting?

I know.

And so now we don't even post one.

We have to post like 10.

I know.

And what do you think about the new generation of like influencers, creators becoming famous on TikTok?

I think that it's a great launching pad, as everything is.

As you and I know, you know, veterans,

you decide what you want for your career long term.

And I think some TikTokers are popping off for like very specific things.

I know.

And some TikTokers, I think it's funny, they don't plan to pop off and they're like, shoot, I don't want to be making different iced coffee for the rest of my life.

So some people, I think, like Addison Ray, are going to be capable of doing a lot of things.

And it just depends on kind of your vision.

You know, I like, every time I run into like a TikToker who I meet, I'm like, I always feel like compelled to give them advice, which I don't know if they want to hear.

Yeah.

But like.

It just makes me nervous that like all these young kids, they're having so much success and they're quitting their jobs and they're getting brand deals.

And I just don't, it makes me nervous when influencers

are going to, you know, plan the rest of their life to live off of brand deals because brand deals are great and they're wonderful and there's a lot of money in there, but it's not stable income.

And, you know, you're really hot when you launch.

And then, as anything happens, you know, being on being on the internet, you have high moments, you have low moments.

You're hot, you're cold, you're irrelevant, you're relevant.

So it just makes me nervous when like, you know, they're relying on all these brand deals.

And I just like, every time I meet them, they're like, do you have any advice?

I'm like, yes, like write a book, start a podcast, start a YouTube channel, start like a home-based something, go on tour, like do something that

you can make money from steadily that doesn't require a brand deal because like it just makes me nervous.

And doesn't require that if God forbid TikTok was taken over by aliens,

you can exist because we have multiple sources of streams of income.

It's so, it's, it sounds so lame, but it's so important.

And I do think it's cool that people are popping off, but it's also like find something that you're passionate about that you want to do for long term.

Yeah.

And I do think it's cool seeing how, but then some TikTokers, their fans are incredible and will show up to live shows.

And that's when you know that you successfully transitioned from being like a content creator to being like

a celebrity.

Yeah.

And then there's some TikTokers who have millions of followers, but they don't have that like connection with their audience.

They launch merch and they sell 30 shirts.

Exactly.

That's why it's so important.

Like me, I'm always talking about this and I talk about it a lot in the book.

Like you can have, I would rather have 100,000 like dead ass devoted followers than 2 million irrelevant people who like just like my content but like will never you know want to learn more about me never want to listen to my podcast watch a youtube video like there's so much value at that on the in that front it's about quality not quantity for sure and i do think my experience when starting reality tv was very like you're gonna be you know shown in a lot of different situations and some people are gonna like understand you and want to learn more about you and some people won't and that's totally fine it's like in stand-up comedy instead of trying to fight the one person with their hand like this give it to your girlies yep guys give it to them and then grow from there.

And I do think we're similar in a way where I think our followers are very similar to us and get us.

And they're in similar stages of their life.

Exactly, and we're growing with them.

So anyway, the TikTok, the scary thing is like some of these people are literally 16.

I know, and I feel like I just get nervous.

So if there's any up-and-coming TikTokers, like just take my advice.

Like, don't just, like, it's all really hot right now, but that shit dies down so quickly, like, another app comes.

And so make all the money that you can right now, but also plan for the future.

Like, if you really want to get into like the business of influencing, like, start other revenue streams.

Um, now, I just want to switch gears because we are done with the stories, but there's one more thing before I let you go that I kind of want to ask you about.

Um, one of like

you have been through a reunion, and I just want to know, like, the, like, what's that like?

Like, how many hours is it?

Like, six to eight.

I mean, ours are not housewives.

Housewives are like,

like, I do think Andy is like, Your show's cute.

Like, Andy, I don't think he watched our show at all.

He, like, saw a clip and he was like

highlight reel.

But it's fun to like get dressed up and stuff.

And where was it?

In the city?

Somewhere in the city.

My first one was over Zoom,

which was so funny because Paige and I texted the entire time and then like you think you can cut in and then you can't.

You're just like, and then.

Oh, God.

Because, you know, like timing is so important to say something.

And it takes, there's like a couple second audio lag so like no one hears you.

The zoom was wild.

Or someone would just be going on and on and like no one could cut them off because they're in their moment.

And then someone's like headphones are breaking, so it's hard to get the momentum.

So annoying.

My last reunion,

I did not watch it, and I did blackout, and I cried the whole time.

So I don't.

I did watch it, and I just want to let you know I thought you were treated really unfairly.

Thank you, even though, like, I thought the editing was really bad for you, but you also did yourself no favors.

But then, like, okay, it wasn't that serious.

Like, everyone's being so mean at the reunion.

Like, calm the fuck down.

It's not that serious.

No, I know.

I mean, I'm all about entertaining, stirring the pot, having fun, showing up.

and I did not anticipate what was happening because,

you know, it's not that serious.

And also, like, I've been in the game for four years, and I, like, really did care about all those people.

Of course.

And you're still friendly with a lot of them.

Yes.

Okay, good.

Would you ever do reality TV again?

I think knowing how the sausage is made, it's a little hard.

And I do think I bring more value being like purely myself and not a character.

But who knows in the future, like, when I might need money.

Yeah, of course.

Oh my god, never count out the countess.

No, but I mean, like, overall, like, there could be fun situations.

My favorite show is Pipples and Parolis.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, my God.

It's in Louisiana, and it's this lady who works with paroles, like people who are out of jail and rescuing pit bulls.

And they give the pitbulls to people, and they find matches.

And these pips.

It's about like giving people a second chance.

And like, I want to be in an animal show.

Speaking of weird shit we watch, do you watch Mrs.

Duchy on TikTok?

No.

Oh,

what?

Okay, Mrs.

Duchy.

Wait, is she a dog?

No.

She's a lady.

Okay, it sounds like one of those dogs who dresses up.

No, she's a lady who goes live on TikTok every single night for three hours and she makes tumblers like out of resin.

Yes, I know who she is.

And like she's so cute and like people order

the tumblers and she's on the phone with them like choosing the colors and she's like, oh my god, this is gorgeous.

But they like change their minds that there's drama?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's always drama.

Like it's so exciting.

She goes, and like, I don't even follow her, but I know she comes up on my for you page every single night because she goes live from 8 to 11.

And I just wanted to see if you were like a Miss Duchy girl.

I am a Miss Duchy girl.

I didn't know her name.

I just knew the energy she gave me.

She's Miss Duchy.

Mrs.

Duchy.

I apologize.

But that is like a version of ASMR.

And I love that you brought her up because she's older in her life.

She's having so much success.

A wise queen.

And for people who see like TikTokers blowing up, buying four houses in LA, I like to think of people as popcorn.

Actually, Mike Feeney, a comic, said this example that, like, we're all under the same temperature, but we pop at different times.

Oh, I love that.

And I do think that's important for people to know.

Yeah, because if you're not, like, hitting where you thought you'd hit at a certain age, like, you're just not popping yet.

It's fine.

And also,

when I was 16, I probably wasn't going to be putting my best foot forward out in the entertainment industry.

Right, just pop it for the best that you didn't pop at 16.

Exactly.

I didn't pop my pussy at 16.

Well, Hannah, it has been an absolute pleasure, a glory having you.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm truly a fan, and this has been a career check mark for yes.

Where can people find tickets to your stand-up and all your content?

So do you want to be able to do it?

Well, I'm going to be in Denver and Austin.

Go to Hannah Burn.

When are you going to Austin?

The 20th to the 23rd.

Of April.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry.

I'm going on Thursday.

Oh my God, that's so exciting.

I love Austin.

I love Austin.

Tickets available at girljob.com slash tour.

Yes.

And then follow me on TikTok.

Now I'm paranoid about getting shadow banned, so definitely follow me at Being Burns, Instagram at BeingBurns, and listen to Paige and I on Giggly Squad.

Yes, it's so cute.

And if you like mental health comedy stuff, Burning in Hell, B-E-R-N-A-I, whatever.

You're such a good last name for like puns.

Yes.

I have like no puns.

And also, we discovered...

Oh, well, yeah, we discovered your coffee shtick when you were in it.

When we were like, this girl just hates coffee, but you were using it to just shit on every single...

every person's order and it was amazing because we were like how is she gonna gag in this i have to say like every time you talk about me on giggly squad i do get a dm about it and i listen to the entire episode like

waiting for like my mom but that makes me happy because sometimes like you'll mention someone's name and everyone's like they talk shit about you.

But we literally were like, she's iconic.

No, so I get like messages all the time.

Like you were mentioned on XPodcast.

And like I try and gauge from the person sending the message.

Like, is this a positive or a negative?

Because with me, it really could go either way.

Yeah.

And I figured you guys were positive.

Because we're also online sleuths like you where we were sending stuff to each other from you.

And then we were like, well, we have to tell the girlies.

What's going on?

The girlies.

Thank you so much for being here.

Come see Hannah on tour.

She's so funny.

Listen to her podcast.

Follow her on Instagram.

Follow her on TikTok.

Also follow me on TikTok.

And thank you so much for being here.

Thank you guys for listening to the morning toast.

I hope you had a great week.

Sorry about all the drama with the stomach flu.

I am feeling better.

Thank you so much, everyone who reached out.

We're back next week with a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday episode.

The schedule will be up on Wednesday.

And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I'm in Dallas, Houston, and Austin.

So come see me.

Love you guys so much.

Thank you so much for listening to the Morning Toast, the Millennium Morning Show, where we deliver the fast fact stories that you need to know every Monday through Friday on YouTube.

So if you're watching this on YouTube, please fucking subscribe already, okay?

And give this video a thumbs up.

We're also available as a podcast and our podcast can be found.

So it's Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, Public Radio, IR Radio Cast Box, all the places.

So whenever you listen to podcasts, find find us some morning toast, leave a five-star view of it, a beautiful, standing, and smart we are.

Thank you, Hannah.

Thank you, Toasters.

Have a great weekend.

We'll see you all Monday.

Bye.