S5 Ep2: Girl Bossing Too Close To The Sun: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Good morning, Millennials.

Welcome back to the Morning Toast.

Happy Tuesday.

So excited to get into the new year, into the Tuesday.

How are you doing today, Claude?

Hello.

Welcome.

Greetings.

Bienvenido Samiyami.

Hello, everyone.

Happy Tuesday.

I hope everyone's doing great.

I'm doing really great.

You know what?

I actually had such a productive first Monday of the year yesterday.

I didn't see that for myself.

I just saw it, you know, as another day in the chill zone with Brew.

It could have been my positivity that inspired you.

It could have been.

And I just really got done everything that I needed to.

I had to like read a whole book for the Redheads.

I'm almost done with it.

Had to open all my packages and like all of these things are so much harder, you know, eight months pregnant.

And I accomplished everything I set out to do yesterday, which was a really good feeling.

That is the best feeling.

And I'm super proud of you.

And you know what?

Positivity wins.

Positivity wins.

I also just want to say that we are using a new integrated interface today to record the podcast.

If you guys have been around for a while, you've been here for all the iterations of podcasting, including the down.

Remember drunk Jackie on the ones and twos?

Of course.

What was that platform called that we used back then?

That was Soundtrap.

Yeah.

And last night I was looking for better remote podcasting platforms because we're also recording the Redheads remotely.

And I found this one that seems to be so great.

We did a test.

It sounded so good.

So I hope you guys enjoyed the audio and it gives Claudia the bandwidth to interrupt me.

Which is really a benchmark of this show.

And it's one of the things that's like really missing from our work from home episodes.

And I'm so glad that it's back, like, truly.

I think it's what sets us apart, like, from our competitors.

So, that's really exciting.

Also, I just realized because we can talk simultaneously, it means we could sing.

Yes, it does.

Yes, it really does.

So you're sounding a little raspy this morning.

Do you want to tell us about your night out?

Yes, I would love to.

I hit the town last night.

The town hit back.

I had a lovely time.

I actually went to a restaurant that was so unbelievably delicious and also like premium because the name of the restaurant was St.

Theo's,

which, you know, as a mother,

was really special, like really, really special.

Like to see an entire restaurant just kind of being built to honor my son.

Like, it's overwhelming, you know?

A hundred percent.

What a perfect, a perfect name for an establishment.

Do they sell merch?

You know what?

I was actually thinking that last night.

All the staff were wearing like a really cute Saint Theo shirts, and I'm like, I need to get one of these.

You need to get a job there.

Let chelet.

Hopefully, they let you keep the uniform.

And it was just a delicious evening.

And then I saw a drag show.

I saw my girl Izzy.

She does Mondays at Barracuda.

I saw a bunch of toasters there who I have to assume knew about Mondays at Barracuda from my Instagram, how much I raved about it.

So it was a fabulous affair full of fabulous people doing fabulous things.

Wonderful.

What time did you get home?

It was late.

It was late.

It was really late, especially for a Monday.

Like, but that's just so me, you know?

Especially for the first Monday of the new year.

Like, other people, they're, you know, at the gym, they're stacking up on groceries.

They are meditating.

And you're at the drag show till, I'm going to guess, I'm going to say you came home at two.

Okay.

It's later.

Well, I probably left the drag show at about

one.

But then I went back to Brian's and we were watching like Celine Dion videos.

And it was just like too good to leave.

And I was like, I'm so relaxed right now.

Okay, so you were technically chilling.

I was technically asleep.

Okay, that's fair.

Well, I'm glad you had a good night.

You know, the way you start the new year is how you'll spend the rest of the year.

So it's looking like it's going to be a really fun year for you.

And like we were just saying, like yesterday was a really productive day.

Like I got all my work done and then I had to get all my play done too.

Yeah, you did.

You do it all.

That's the thing that I really kind of want to dive into.

I do it all.

Yeah.

How was your evening?

My evening was very, um, very low-key, very different, very quiet, just hung with brew and I cooked some dinner.

I was reading mostly to record for the Redheads tonight.

If you guys are joining the Redheads this month, make sure to drop your questions for us about this book or any other book, really, to the Redheads Book Club at gmail.com.

We are really excited to record this episode.

The book has been really good.

It's one of those like classic snitches choices.

I think you would really like it, Claudia.

Yeah, no, it's on my list.

Just, you know.

Reading right now, because I crammed so much in at the end of the year, reading's not a priority for me today.

You know what?

I'm kind of with you.

Once I finish this book, I need to take a little bit of a break because I need to wait to get like more book recommendations and stop like reading half-baked books that I'm not enjoying.

It's making me not like reading.

So I have my TV docket.

My plate is going to be like full TV.

The new season of Victoria came out, so I'm going to start watching

season one, two, and three again because we started watching it on vacation and it was so good, wouldn't you say?

It was wonderful, actually.

I really enjoyed the show.

I will be like picking it up in my spare time.

That makes makes me so happy.

I also need to watch Emily in Paris just to see, you know, what's going on.

That actually is something that I wanted to discuss because I watched the first, like, maybe four or five episodes.

And it is really, really bad.

Like, really atrocious.

Like, it's borderline unwatchable.

Is it worse than the first season?

Yes, in my opinion.

Damn.

Okay, well, I'm going to give it a shot just because it's the zeitgeist.

Yeah, and, you know, the show is, for me, there's two major takeaways.

Like, one, gotta go to Paris.

I've never been, and they really do a great job of romanticizing the city, like making it look like clean and fun.

But I don't think, based on what the show has

explained to me, I think I would literally like despise French people.

Like, that's how they, they make the French out to be incredibly unlikable, rude, anti-American, and just overall, like, they would hate me, big fat American, and I would hate them too.

No, I think that they would hate you.

Despite more than Emily, more than Emily.

Oh, for sure, more than Emily, because like she's

trying to be a Parisian queen, but maybe they would have more respect for you since you wouldn't try.

Like, maybe that's what they don't like about

Emily's spineless.

And she's like trying so hard, and it's like

no, and her version of like American culture is like Midwest deep dish pizza.

Like, that's like, she's kind of like, she's vanilla, you know, she really, she's awful, actually the show is is unwatchable yeah no i think in any culture they would just respect you being yourself i think that you're right that is like a boundless quality like universal quality you know okay

so

we'll keep you posted on that like i'm trying to get through it it's painful damn Okay, maybe I won't be watching it, but whatever.

Anyways, I'm going to get to all the TV once I finish reading this book, though.

I am enjoying enjoying it, and I just want to say the main character has expressed regret for her travel attire on the first day, so we are okay.

Um, we are also okay because it's Tuesday, which means dear toasters, our first of the year.

Hopefully, we'll give some people some life-changing, year-changing advice.

That'll be at the end of the show, but of course, before that, we've got loads to discuss.

We do have loads to discuss, and I guess you know, we could jump right in.

I feel totally abreast, just want to let everyone know Brew's not feeling so great today.

So, if he's quiet in the background, do you see him, Claude?

No.

To my right?

No.

On the bed?

No.

Oh, okay.

He's there.

Anyways, so just, you know, keep brewing your thoughts today.

And now, without further ado or a brew, it is time for the fast five stories that you need to know before you wake up and take a bite out of your morning toast.

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Very exciting.

That sounds like a great podcast to take into the new year.

Actionable advice.

Actionable advice.

I totally agree.

You love to see it.

Okay, our first story is the big story of the day.

Tristan Thompson admits to fathering Marilyn Nichols' baby and apologizes to Chloe.

So, Tristan, third trimester Thompson, Tristan can't stop cheating on Chloe Thompson.

Has admitted

Tristan Trash Thompson.

Tristan China Thompson, though this story is big enough to, you know, remove, to temporarily remove the China, he took to his Instagram stories to let us know what we already knew, which was that, quote, today paternity test results revealed that I fathered a child with Marilyn Nichols.

I want to take full responsibility for my actions.

Now that paternity has been established, I look forward to raising our son.

He continued saying, I sincerely apologize to everyone I've heard or disappointed throughout this ordeal, both privately and publicly.

Then he said, Chloe, you don't deserve this.

You don't deserve the heartache and humiliation I have caused you.

You don't deserve the way I have treated you over the years.

Okay, first of all, it's giving Maury.

You are not the father.

It's giving Maury.

This is, first of all, there's so much to unpack here because the first thing is like, this child will grow up and this is all public.

And like knowing Tristan, like didn't claim him, said horrible things, tried to pay off his mom with 75 grand.

Like there's so much wrong with it.

And then there's, of course, like the whole Kardashian element, which of course just, you know, changes things.

It is seriously, like, there's not much that Tristan Thompson could do that would surprise me, but he's outdone himself yet again.

Yeah, no.

And considering this is a pattern of behavior for him, you shouldn't be surprised.

You know, it's like, that's what a pattern is.

You can expect it.

You can rely on it.

This is really, really shocking.

I really, you know, i i fell for what i fell for it for what he was selling i fell for when they were looking for ufos like i just i fell for it all i really thought he was a changed man jackie you know who else fell for it chloe

I don't think she did.

She was always like so annoyed with him.

She was always like keeping him at arm's length.

Yeah, I mean, she can only keep him so far because of true, but I didn't see a great love on the show.

And

I am now glad for it.

At the time, I feel like I was just trying, I probably said something, you know, like people are different on camera.

It could be awkward, whatever.

No, you literally, like, so I did too.

Rode hard.

But that's the thing about perspective and hindsight.

And so I hope, I feel as though Chloe is doing fine.

I think they broke up a long time ago.

I think she knew about these rumors since the summer.

And so I'm not so worried about like Chloe.

I'm just like,

this man.

And you know what?

It's over.

Like, there's really no more chances after after this.

And when you think of perspective, I'm so glad you brought that up.

The Tristan we saw on Kardashians was like incredibly sweet, like almost like a big teddy bear.

And I have a feeling that we've been duped because a teddy bear doesn't like deny paternity and like make a woman take a test and like offer her 75 grand of hush money.

Like, I just feel like we don't know who the real Tristan Thompson is for real.

We've been duped.

I don't think anyone anyone does.

I completely agree.

I think it's probably something that he's struggling with, too.

I'm sure the Tristan that we saw on the show is a facet of his personality.

This kind of goofy, goofy,

awkward.

But then there's also the one, you know, that cheats on his girlfriend, the mother of his child, and then doesn't claim paternity.

And like, is so surprised when sex leads to a baby.

Right, which is really kind of a statement on the

level of sexual education our education system is providing.

No, I completely agree.

Tristan Thompson needs to go to Sex Ed and learn about the birds and the bees.

No, you know what?

You know what?

I actually was thinking, like, his mom just must be so disappointed in him.

This is just like, it was the way, it's the situation he got himself into, but it's also really how he conducted himself, like in a really

unethical way.

And I just know it, I know his mom raised him better than that.

Like, I saw her on the Kardashians.

I'm like, she just must be really disappointed.

Yeah.

It's disappointing for sure.

And it goes without saying, I don't even know if we ever had a ship in the port.

It has been deconstructed, burned to pieces.

We didn't even bother repurposing the wood.

Like, it's, it's cursed.

No, nothing about it is salvageable.

Nothing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, that's the latest.

Hopefully, he can go back into the corner of being china for good.

And I really do hope that the family, like, of course, he's true's dad, always will be, but, like, that's it.

No more trying to bring him.

Well, the family just follows Chloe's lead.

So, whatever Chloe decides, however, she wants to move forward.

Yes, and no.

Like, I mean, because you could say the same thing, sort of, back in the day about like Scott and Courtney.

Even when they broke up, it felt like he became more part of the family than ever.

And I feel like that was because, like, those were extenuating circumstances.

Like, both of his parents passed away.

Yeah, but I also feel like Chloe is always going to try and take the high road and do right by him for true.

But I just hope that

it's not

to the level that it was.

And I don't think that it could be or that it will be.

No, but you're right.

The Kardashians don't let anyone go.

They're still hanging out with Chloe's ex-boyfriend, French Montana, for like the last 10 years.

Right, exactly.

But I think that's just because he was fun.

Yeah, no, for sure.

And they are connected forever via true.

So is Bruno barking?

Bruno is barking.

And I said he wasn't going to be on the show today because he wasn't feeling well.

I guess he's feeling better.

What's wrong with him?

I don't want to be too graphic, but there...

There was blood in his juda.

But there was blood in his stool this morning, yes.

But I've already started his medication.

You know, he has it.

We already had it in stock because, you know, this has happened before.

Something he goes through a lot.

I just hope he's okay.

He's going to be totally fine.

I think he's just like really missing his cousins.

Like, he was waking up every day.

Theo was there.

Knowles was there.

The kids, they were going hard.

And now it's, it's kind of lonely and quiet.

And sometimes that makes you.

Silence is deafening.

Sometimes that makes you poop blood.

Yeah.

It's like when you used to go to camp and it was like so fun.

And then you would get home and at least for me, like I loved camp so much.

You would slowly become depressed and like realize all the things that are missing.

And for me, it was like waking up in the quiet of my own bedroom without like, you know, the

hoorah of, you know, 18 girls being in a bunk.

Not 18, like nine.

That was really hard for me.

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

Thank you for sharing.

That's Claudia.

That's beautiful.

You're welcome.

You are absolutely welcome.

Are you ready for our next story?

Sure.

Which is actually really funny and something that I wanted to talk about anyway, which we almost talked about yesterday, but I guess we got sidetracked.

Andy Cohen really regrets slamming Ryan Seacress during the New Year's Eve broadcast.

Oh.

I know.

Andy Cohen is still dealing with the fallout from his New Year's drunken eve.

The booze-loving Bravo Lebrady issued a Maya culpa to Ryan Seacress on Monday for

bashing his ABC New Year's Eve broadcast team as a quote group of losers while he downed drink after drink on his rival CNN holiday special with Anderson Cooper last Friday.

So he went on a number of rants on the CNN special.

Everyone saw the Mayor de Blasio one, which was like so incredible, so iconic.

And he also said, he said, quote,

he called Ryan Seacrest and his,

what did he say?

His band of losers.

Group of losers, I think.

And then, so he took to his radio show and said, the only thing that I regret saying, the only thing is that I slammed the ABC broadcast and I really like Ryan Seacrest and he's a great guy.

And I really regret saying it.

And I was just stupid and drunk and feeling it.

And it was, I was continuing the journey rant and I just kept talking and I shouldn't have and I felt bad about that.

So that is the only thing I regret.

It's the only thing.

He said, this is the first time.

Okay, it was the best part.

Sorry, it was the best part.

He said, Ryan Seacrest's group of losers that are performing behind us.

I I mean, with all due respect, if you've been watching ABC tonight, you've seen nothing.

I'm sorry.

We literally, Andy is speaking facts.

I could write a whole dissertation on the whole dynamic of the different broadcasting teams at New Year's Eve across the country.

And Ryan Seacrest was an enormous disappointment.

Yeah, I agree.

Like, there was no lie in that statement, but it was definitely, you know, not a nice thing to say.

I also feel like Andy Cohen and Ryan Seacrest, like, are the same person just in parallel universes.

and like they don't disrupt the i've never heard andy talk about ryan or ryan talk about andy they do the same job just on like two different like huge conglomerates that is extremely true so it's not like they're friends or enemies so i feel like andy even saying anything about him and now it's like a negative thing it's like yeah yeah this is the guy who gets all the the 50 of the jobs that you don't get Right.

Or like Andy's, actually, the way I see it is like, Andy's the guy who takes the jobs that Ryan doesn't.

Yeah, no, but it's like, it's ABC and NBC.

Like, there's half, there's like 100 jobs out there.

Ryan gets 50, and he gets 50.

And the world, you know, is at an equilibrium with that.

And I do feel like with this comment, he disturbed the equilibrium.

No, the balance is 100% off.

So he apologized for that, which,

which was really funny.

I also wanted to talk about his CNN broadcast because.

You know, I can't imagine like going on television for four hours and getting wasted and just being expected to like say and do crazy shit, like talk shit about celebrities.

Like, that's how you get in trouble.

Like, you have to be enormously brave to do that.

Yeah, but I do feel like it's been sort of this buildup.

Like, last year, he was like, he got a little drunk.

He did a rant about de Blasio.

It went over really well.

I feel like he was encouraged to do more of that this year.

And, you know, he's making headlines and buzz.

And I think overall, it's really good.

But like, the way that him and Anderson act, like, as if they're on CNN, it's like us at the CMA red carpet.

Like,

we're just here flying by the seat of our pants.

Like, thanks for letting us through the door.

And it's like, you guys are on CNN.

Like, it's a little bit more legit than like a grassroots um effort live stream yeah so the thing that I feel like I'm a big Andy fan and I think like when he's just in his element like he's great at this like duo Andy Cohen Anderson Cooper they've been on tour together they're best friends I don't like it doesn't do it for me I don't live for it like I think Andy's better on his own I agree again no I don't I've never really consumed the two of them me neither so it's not for me personally but some of the clips and the quotes um

you know it's clear that there was some there there.

Yeah, no, I mean, it's, there's something for everyone on New Year's Eve, and that's what's so great about this great nation.

Yeah, there really is.

So apologies to Ryan Seacrest, though.

It was funny.

Like, just imagine, like, having to go on your radio show or podcast and having to, like, apologize for drunk shit you said, like, on national television.

Like, the pit is enormous.

But Andy's a pro.

I don't really feel like was so out of control.

I mean, I'm sure he was drunk, but like he is wired to perform.

I don't think he was so out of control in his own mind.

Okay, that's true.

I mean, that would be so irresponsible.

Yeah, no, this is not like, I just think maybe that's one thing that he wouldn't have said, but in the grand scheme of things, like to get really drunk and that's the worst thing that you said is not a big deal.

And it was hysterical.

Hysterical and completely factual.

Fact-based, data-based question.

Are you ready for our next story?

Muse meme.

Okay, I don't know if you've seen this, but bachelorette alum Blake Hortzman is reportedly dating Love is Blind's Giannina Jabelli.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

And I know that you're going to like go in on this story, but I kind of love stories like this.

Yeah, I mean, they really found love in a hopeless place.

So Hortzman has been real quiet.

Yeah, he's been quiet.

He like does his thing in Denver.

And according to like Instagram and backgrounds and photos that they posted, they were together on New Year's Eve.

And this is a budding romance between the two.

A source, probably, you know, Janina herself says that they're taking things slow, but that they seem really happy together.

To be honest, like, I don't know who I'm more frightened for.

Like, lest we not forget, Blake Hortzman like released all those text messages of him and Kaylin, like really intimate stuff.

Like, that was for me when I like stopped fucking with him.

Not that he knew about it, but no, and we really stand for a very long time.

Yeah.

So

I don't know if I would want to be in a relationship with someone who has a history of doing that, but I have watched Love is Blind and I know Giannina, and she's pretty scary too.

So, no, no concrete examples.

It's just an energy, a chaotic energy that she radiates.

And I'm frightened for both of them.

And maybe it's the relationship of a lifetime.

They've met their match.

Maybe they've met their match.

I love when there's reality TV crossover like this and the relationship starts.

I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.

Also, it's really good PR for like both parties.

And

I think like so many people like ship and there's a lot of crossover and new followers to be had.

Right.

So I'm really here for it.

I mean, I'm happy for them if they're happy with each other.

I can't imagine what a fight in that house would sound like, but I'm wishing them the best.

Well, if it's still early days, they're on their best behavior.

I doubt they've had their first fight yet.

Yeah, I wonder if they watched each other's shows.

Talk to them in six months.

Yeah,

whatever, like cute.

Cute wins.

Cute, yeah, it's pretty cute.

It's cute.

Yeah, good luck to them.

Truly.

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Yeah.

Next story is a little justice news.

Elizabeth Holmes, the founder of Theranos, has been found guilty of fraud and conspiracy.

A federal jury.

The justice system just like keeps churning them out, knocking him out of the park.

A federal jury in California found Elizabeth Holmes guilty of fraud and conspiracy on Monday.

Holmes had been charged with 11 counts of fraud for claims made to investors and patients of her Silicon Valley blood testing company, Theranos.

The jury handed down a partial verdict on Monday, finding Holmes guilty of four of the 11 charges, three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud.

She was found not guilty of an additional four, and then the jury remained deadlocked on the other three counts.

The federal government will have to decide if they want to retry her for those three counts, the ones that they couldn't reach a verdict on.

She faced the same thing.

Do you think the people in jury were able, like, do you think if you had seen the documentary, you couldn't be a juryman?

That's so interesting.

It's definitely like it's leading the witness.

Yeah, but it's also like the same thing as like, if you watch the news, can you be a jury person?

Right, like with OJ, like they were literally those jurors cut off from civilization if you had watched it before jury selection.

Watched what?

The documentary.

Like everyone, the OJ jurors, they like, you know, they saw the car chase on TV.

Would you be able to be a juror if you saw that?

I mean, that's just being alive.

Right, exactly.

So I don't know.

I think, I think,

I don't know.

I feel like, no.

I've never seen it.

You know, I really don't associate with this whole scandal.

I don't know who Elizabeth Holmes is.

I never saw the documentary.

All I know is she sounds like a girl boss queen and justice for Elizabeth Holmes, okay?

Well, she girl bossed, she girl bossed her way to the top.

She girl bossed a little too close to the sun, and I respect it.

I do.

Yeah, scam those rich people.

Get them.

Okay, that's not what happened.

I'll try and give you a small synopsis.

Basically, she started this tech company.

She said, so normally when you are getting tests done, you need a lot of vials of blood for each test to be done.

I'm having deja vu, by the way.

I think you've explained this to me before.

No, I don't think that I have.

She said that with a little pinprick of your finger, we'll draw a little bit of blood, and we can test for all of these different things in her new machine.

I just feel like that technology should exist already.

Should exist.

But as the documentary showed, there's a reason why it doesn't because you do need large amounts of blood and it's a very like involved process.

And basically, she was saying that her machine worked with this little bit of blood, but really what they were doing was sending out the blood to the other existing machines, getting results back and then saying that it was coming from her new technology.

You know what I call that?

Unique business strategy, okay?

Or justice for Elizabeth Holmes.

Defrauding investors is what some other people call it.

Okay, I just want to say, like, technically,

All these, you know, tech companies,

you could find fraud in a lot of startups that take money from investors.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, no, I'm sure there's a lot that goes down.

And justice for Elizabeth Holmes, like I'm really starting a coalition.

Join me.

Okay.

And, you know,

it's important to have things that, you know, that you feel important to you.

Jackie, you're telling me you've never gotten carried away.

She definitely got carried away.

Her team like tried to make it seem like she was so, you know, innocent and didn't realize that like that's what she was doing.

Also, then they they noted that, like, she never cashed out as the company was tanking, which is like what a lot of intentional con people do.

I'm telling you, Jackie, there's something here.

I just know if you watch a documentary and you heard her speak or heard from her, like, she's not your girly.

Oh, yeah.

And everyone was making fun of her because she like talked like this, even though, like, that's not how she talked.

She like read a study somewhere that said people will respect you if you have a low voice.

And that's the thing.

That's the challenge women are facing in the workplace, like having to constantly evolve their clothes, their voice, their hair.

I think that Elizabeth Holmes is like

a hero.

I mean, I would give to Elizabeth Holmes the same advice I would give to Emily in Paris.

Just be yourself, girl.

It's not working any other way.

That's kind of the message, I think, of today's episode.

Be yourself in 2022.

Yeah, I like that.

Because everyone else is taken, Quaad.

And you know, Eve's great.

No matter where she goes.

Dress her up

from her head to her toes.

Where are you going?

I'm not really sure.

The

unclear.

I thought the message of that song was something about being yourself, but the more I sang it, the more I realized it's not.

It's about Eve being great.

I know it's about like shining bright and shining far, but just because you're being yourself doesn't mean that you're really shining necessarily.

Ooh, harsh words today.

Right?

Like, not everyone is a star.

No, no.

No, that's actually

a really important lesson lesson that I think not enough young adults have learned.

Like, there's main character energy and there's supporting character energy.

And life is all about finding out which one you are.

But Claude, there's also extra energy.

No, there's also chorus line.

There's craft service.

There's a stage hand.

Find your place in the production that is life.

Life is the theater.

And just so nobody gets it twisted, like Jackie and I are very much main characters.

I just, I'm sorry, we don't make the rules.

like i did not make this up we did not choose this no we did not choose this life and don't don't get it twisted like the main character life it does come with its challenges it's you know adversity its

benefits of course but also some disadvantages yeah i would say that the supporting character life is a like a

a life worth living

If you're thinking about like the grand scheme of things and there's all these different rules and some people are even behind the scenes.

Like to be a supporting character, it's like you're really just

there, but you don't have to work that hard.

Yeah, it's less responsibility, less pressure.

So, just something to think about.

You know, if okay, I have the best call.

Ready?

Ready?

I'm ready.

I've been ready.

Like, life's a stage.

That's what they say, right?

I want to be Judy Greer.

Yeah.

Like, constantly supporting, but always, always relevant.

Yeah.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It's good stuff.

Yeah.

Are you ready for our fifth and final story?

Ooh, already?

Hold on, let me grab some utensils.

I think today I'll use this

Morphe X-Madison beer.

Oh, I was like, what are you doing?

We're going to have to get at-home triangles.

Yeah, I know.

We left them at the studio.

I know.

I think we should have them at home anyway.

You just never know when you're going to need to bust out in song.

It also just doesn't feel right to not be sleeping in a.

Are you okay?

No, sorry.

I'm literally having a question for you.

And I probably should have asked at the beginning of this episode: like, on a scale of one to 10, how hungover are we?

So, if I were to give in to this hangover, if I were to acknowledge her, speak directly in her face, she would be

a seven.

That's

like high.

But

I said yesterday, I'm in charge of my own mindset.

I am ignoring this hangover.

To me, she doesn't exist.

Got it.

Therefore, making her a four.

She is popping up a little bit here and there, but other, but you're doing great.

Thank you.

No, my brain, like at certain points, like I've been looking for words this morning that are just either don't exist or have not come to me.

And it's very frustrating.

That's like pregnancy.

That's the effect of alcohol, honestly.

Yeah.

It's really frustrating.

But no worries.

I'm here for you.

If in case I can fill in your sentences.

You're here for me for what?

For the final story.

Final story.

Oh, God.

It's the final story.

Thank you very much.

Justice for Elizabeth Holmes.

Okay, a few things.

One, it didn't sound like our singing was syncing up, which is really unfortunate.

Two, you rubbing your tools on the microphone is going to get

is not going to play well for some people.

And three, we need the triangles.

We need the triangles desperately.

But our fifth and final story, I actually think you're really going to enjoy.

It's a little,

you know, it's not celeb news, but it's some important health sports news.

No, no, no.

That made it sound like

it's a hard one to categorize.

Like lame.

It's a hard one to to categorize.

We can work on the categorization after I tell you the story.

Tell me the story, and I'll tell you how I would have categorized it.

Okay.

A hockey fan was at a hockey game, and she spotted a staffer, one of the coaches, had a suspicious mole from the stands she saw.

And so she wrote him a little note on her phone in the notes app and showed it to him.

The note said, the mole on you.

on the back of your neck is possibly cancerous.

Please go see a doctor.

And he did and she saved his life.

Okay, wait.

First of all, I just am trying not to get triggered by this story because it's about a mole, and I just like have a thing with moles.

This is so crazy.

I actually saw a really similar TikTok yesterday about this guy who did a TikTok or whatever, and someone left a comment like that mole looks cancerous.

It was, he had to get like eight moles on his back removed, and literally saved his life.

This is such a crazy story, but I'm telling you, if I was at like an event

and someone came up to me and sent me a note that said, The mole on your neck looks cancerous.

I'm like, I would turn around and be like, Are you, what are you doing?

Like, are you trying to ruin my night?

Like, it's a lovely sentiment.

I'm so glad it worked out.

I'm just thinking, like, if I was in this situation, like, would I have to go home?

Like, could I still enjoy the rest of the game?

Yeah, so she was, um, she wanted to warn him, but she was wary of making him uncomfortable.

So, she, that's why she typed the note.

And the guy said that, like, he initially, quote, didn't give her the time of day when she said it.

But then when he got home, he asked his wife to look at it.

And she said it was a weird shape, too.

So then he showed it to the team physician who also didn't like the look of it.

And that he removed it within days.

And then the biopsy revealed that it was a malignant melanoma in situ two, meaning the cancer was only on the outer layer of the skin and was detected before it could become even more dangerous.

But if he had ignored it for like four to five years, he would not, probably not survive.

That is so crazy.

And did this woman come forward?

Yeah, so now, so then he took to like Twitter and he's like, who is this fan?

And they found her.

And she also is a medical student.

And now they've like paid off her medical school loans.

And it's a beautiful story.

It's such a great ending.

It's a really great story.

And it's also a reminder, you know, to get checked.

Yes.

And to be careful.

You got to be checked.

So I thought it was a really heartwarming story.

And what would you categorize it as?

I'm so glad you circled back to it.

Do you know what it might be?

Good news.

It's the definition of good news.

Sports health was fine, but I was thinking, oh no, LeBron James broke his ankle or something.

Right.

Okay, so it's a bit of good news.

That was a really crazy story.

I mean, the best part, you buried the lead.

They've paid off her debt.

That is so sweet.

Yeah, no, it's totally full circle.

And I think it's a story with a great message.

I love that.

Yeah, even though I agree with you, like if someone said that to me.

Unwell.

I obviously, in the moment, I would be just like him.

Like, I wouldn't have paid it a lot of mine, and then it would have like weighed on me, and I would have done something about it.

In the moment, I would have been deeply hurt.

There's really no right way to tell someone something like that, but this is as close as it gets to that.

That is so

cute.

Yeah, really, really great story.

So, I think that's a great way to end the fast five today.

I feel as though you needed to know all of these stories, and now you do.

I completely, completely agree.

And now we can talk about dear toasters.

See what everyone's up to.

So, our advice segment, Dear Toasters, is our weekly advice segment where we try to do our best.

You know, we try to be honest.

Sometimes truth hurts.

And that's what we're here to do, hurt everyone.

And the email is deartoasters at gmail.com if you're ever looking for some advice from your two best gal pals.

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Thanks, Claude.

You know what they like to say?

It's a pleasure.

Okay, well, I'm excited to hear what everyone's cooked up for us this week.

Me too.

Hopefully, there's some good drama ready.

Mm-hmm.

Dear Jackie and Claudia, first of all, love you guys.

Been listening since the beginning.

Thanks for always making my day so much brighter.

Thank you.

My best friend is over 15 years, is in a horrible, my best friend of over 15 years is in a horrible relationship with a guy, Bobble, whom she claims to be happy with.

They've been together for about a year now, so there's, but they have no official title.

She's recently been talking to me about an engagement with Bobby.

Oh, I thought that said Bobble.

L-O-L.

I think I'm gonna call him Bobble.

Like the sponsor.

Wait, okay.

Unwell.

She's recently been talking to me about an engagement with Bobble and

moving away to another state with him in a couple years for his job.

He's a doctor.

She says she sees forever with him, and despite posting on social media and pretending like everything is fine, she has cheated on Bobble multiple times and recently just found out he's been cheating on her too.

I confronted her about the situation and how it's major red flags, but she says she forgives him and trusts him and they're going to work it out.

Meanwhile, Bobble has no idea that she ever cheated on him too.

She's been in an unfaithful marriage and divorce after.

Sorry, wait.

She's already been in an unfaithful marriage and divorced after a few months.

And if Bobby knew she cheated, I know they would not be together because the trust was not that strong to begin with.

She keeps living in this life with Bobble and her friends.

Sorry.

Are you having a hard time following this?

I am, but I think it's me.

No, I think it's me.

Okay, so she's a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, but Bobble cheated too.

She's been divorced.

Bobble cheated too.

She knows about his cheating.

Bobble doesn't know about hers.

Let me just get through it.

She keeps living in this live

with Bobble.

Yeah.

And her friends and family.

By pretending that everything is perfectly fine in her relationship and I truly think it's going nowhere.

What would you do in this this situation?

Am I crazy for inserting myself into my friend's love life?

All of her other friends think that's what's happening.

It's crazy too, but I'm the only one who would say something to her.

Her previous marriage was so unhealthy, and it seems like that's where it's heading again.

We are only in our mid-20s, and I think she needs to be single for a while or figure her shit out.

Do I push her to tell the truth to Bobble and hope that he will end the relationship, or do I just let it go and see how it all unfolds?

Sincerely, a toaster who's trying to be a good friend.

I have a really hot take.

Okay.

You claim to be a toaster who's trying to be a good friend.

You sound nosy as fuck.

Like, seriously.

No, I mean, everyone alone.

My advice on this is leave her alone.

Like, this girl is so chaotic.

Babel is chaotic.

Like, the whole situation.

And, and, like, I just wouldn't like stick your nose in it whatsoever.

Because, also, it's not like she's going to have a rational reaction to you trying to tell her what to do with her life.

Because, you know, she doesn't seem like an extremely rational person who would like cheat on every relationship that she's been in.

But it also, like, if Babel's cheating and he's cheating, like, they sound like a mastermade in heaven.

No, to be honest, a lot of of people write into us about relationships, and this is between Babel and whoever seems like the healthiest one.

Yeah, yeah.

The only thing is, it's like if this person is your close friend, like, I don't know how much you could trust her because you know, she's not a trustworthy person, so I would just like you know, hold that close to my chest.

I didn't think you need to stop being friends with her, but I wouldn't like tell her my deepest, darkest superior because her moral code is like a little twisted.

But don't get involved in her relationship, um, especially if Babel is doing the same thing.

If you were like, Babel is this amazing guy, you know, he's

to rescue him.

He's a single father.

He's giving it all up.

He's a volunteer.

He's giving it all up for my friend.

And like, she's going to ruin his life.

Maybe I would say, like, it's time to write an anonymous letter.

Right.

But that doesn't seem like the case.

It sounds like they are just chaotic together and they'll have to figure it out on their own.

Yeah, 100%.

Best of luck to you and Babel.

Yeah.

Next up.

Hi, Claude and Jack.

I'm in a pickle and I need your advice.

Hopefully, Dr.

Frachemin is in for this one.

He's actually out to lunch with a client, but

okay, sorry.

I'm really unwell.

I have an old work friend that I used to be super close with when we worked together at our old job.

We were work besties.

We got along great.

She was unfortunately let go from the company in early 2020 before the pandemic.

And despite the fact that we no longer work together after, we still stayed friendly.

We get together about once a month for dinner and we always have a great time.

But lately, she's been really bugging me, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

She hasn't worked since then, but besides odd jobs here and there, she texts me constantly.

And if I don't respond, she will double, even triple text me, sending GIFs, asking if I'm alive, if I haven't responded in five minutes.

It's driving me nuts because I do have a job and a life other than texting her.

She's 10 years older than me.

She has two kids and lives close to an hour away.

So I'm just feeling like our lives are at two completely different places.

And like, I really don't have time or energy to invest into this friendship anymore.

On top of it all, oh, she's been having an affair with one of our old co-workers for almost three years now.

Oh my god.

She constantly talks about him when we're together, and the guy's a total loser.

So I really don't want to hear about it, and I have no sympathy for her drama any longer.

My question is this.

How do I communicate to this person that I think we're at two different points in life, and I just don't have the energy or time to invest in our relationship without being a total bitch?

I do love her.

I do have love for her, but with work, my family, close circles of friends, I'm feeling maxed out on what I can give at this point.

I'm getting married in a couple months.

She's invited to the wedding, so I don't want to burn a bridge bridge in this hectic time.

But I take, I can't take the constant texting and invites to get together.

I told her December was a crazy month, I couldn't get together until the new year, and she literally texted me on January 2nd, asking when I was free.

Help me now.

I'm feeling very RDH.

Thanks, Bubba.

I have two things to say.

Okay.

The first is that, like,

people you meet through work can be so twisted and dark, like

circus freaks.

Okay.

Okay.

But it takes a true sociopath to take a work friendship and bring it into the real world.

And ma'am, that was your first mistake.

I don't want to, you know, I'm not blaming you because we're going to help, but this is a lesson moving forward.

Don't take work relationships out of the office because they never work out well.

Okay.

I also have a bit of a conspiracy theory.

But if crazy friend is having an affair with someone from the office for three years now and she no longer works there and you're her only tie to the office, I think she's using you a little bit to like get intel on this guy and like to keep her connected to the workplace.

And just, you know, like when you have a friend, like when you know someone who knows, who knows the guy that you like, like you, you keep them a little bit closer because you want them to like, when you see them, to talk about you, like whatever.

And I think she's using you a little bit.

So I wouldn't be so worried about hurting her feelings.

I don't think she cares about you as much as it seems.

I think that like you are her connection to this guy.

Yeah, that's a good call.

Like,

and I mean, usually my advice is like, okay, you know, keep her at arm's length.

Can't get plans.

Sorry.

You know, a few texts go unanswered, but it sounds like that's what you're doing.

I don't think she'll leave you alone until you quit your job.

And then you're

of no value to her.

You're of no value.

Right.

So that's the question.

How badly do you want to get rid of her?

Enough to quit your job?

Yeah.

Sacrifices must be made.

Or you have to get him fired.

Yeah, I like that.

I like that a lot.

Yeah, that's like, that's why she can't let go because most people would get the hint, but she doesn't care.

She needs the tea.

No, but also like there is an age gap.

And like, I think most people, I'm assuming this girl's about our age, which would make this woman almost 40.

There are generational, like, if a 25-year-old

wasn't answering, like, if, okay, so if someone wasn't responding to me and I kept asking them to hang out, like, I would get the hint.

But I think that, like, in an older generation, you're like, oh, they must not be by their phone.

They missed it.

Like, they're not taking the hint as directly as someone our age would.

Yes.

And also, just because she doesn't have so much invested in your friendship because she's just using you,

she doesn't care about taking a hit.

Like, she's like, I don't care.

I got to get the information.

Who else is he talking to at the office?

What is he getting into?

Is he getting a promotion?

Or just lie, tell him he got fired, and then she'll like, never speak to you again.

Okay.

All right, the third and final dear toasters.

Hello, ladies.

I love both of you gals and the podcast.

For the sake of time, I'm going to skip the pleasantries.

I'm in need of help.

My roommate is genuinely driving me crazy.

Every day, I'm closer and closer to snapping.

What is causing me to slowly melt away into insanity, you ask?

Chewing.

Her fucking chewing.

Though even calling it chewing is honestly putting it lightly.

It is the

vilest chomping, groaning, and smacking.

You may think I'm being hyperbolic, and I'll be the first to say I am a bit of a drama queen, but I'm being absolutely dead serious.

It is so awful.

No matter what she's eating, it sounds like a ravenous dog.

I have to excuse myself to my room, and even then I can hear it through the walls.

Oh my God.

I've never been sensitive.

I've never been sensitive to the sound of chewing before, but it makes me so nauseous even thinking about it.

I tried to jokingly say something before, but it hasn't gone over well, and I don't want to hurt her feelings because she's one of my friends.

I have no clue what to do, and I feel guilty even just writing about it because it's the last thing I would want to do is make her feel bad.

And I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

We are living together next year, too.

Help, how do I preserve my friendship?

Lots of love.

I think that there are some things, and you can be friends with someone, but there are a few key elements that make two people incompatible as roommates.

And you could be the best of friends.

I would say, like, one thing is temperature.

If you guys don't agree on what the, like, you like it cold, they like it hot.

It doesn't matter how much you love each other, you cannot live together.

I would say if she is a gross chewer and you clearly have misophonia and yeah, because you're being a drama queen, you hear it through the walls and come on ears like a hound, like Bruno-sized ears.

Right.

Then you two cannot live together.

And I think you need to part amicably and still remain the best of friends, but she cannot be eating three meals a day plus snacks.

Right, girls gotta eat when you're an earshot.

It's just incompatibility.

Not all friends are meant to live together.

Yeah.

But, you know, like, I also, I also have sympathy for the girl writing in.

Like, actually, I experienced this last yesterday.

I'm not going to name names.

I went to lunch with a friend who ate a tuna sandwich.

And maybe there is something about tuna and mayo.

And this person is not generally a gross eater.

And he, this person does not listen to the podcast.

So I have no.

qualms about this person finding out but the way this person was eating a tuna sandwich like i almost literally got up and left the table.

It was so offensive.

So I know what you're going through.

And then it's like, you want to eat and then you feel nauseous and like, you know, this $15 wrap I just ordered is irrelevant.

So I feel you.

No, and food is meant to be enjoyed.

I feel like I've been on both sides of this.

Like I've heard chewing that I cannot stand.

And I've also been told like my chewing is odd and annoying when I feel like I'm just trying to eat and nourish my body.

Really?

You know, no one's ever told me that before.

Like my chewing is annoying.

Exactly sometimes comes from my chewing and I'm like, I'm eating.

Like, I'm feeding our child.

Shut up.

No, I'm like, I'm not going to swallow it whole.

I have to do it.

There are people who do that.

Right.

No, but like, he just like it's coming.

Like, my chewing is not particularly annoying.

It's just chewing in general.

So.

Yeah.

And I think like this whole chew, it's a big thing in our culture.

Like, very people are very triggered.

And I really, to be honest, like.

I think that we need to stop making fun of people the way people chew.

And we need to start making fun of the people who are triggered by chewing.

Like, it's on you.

Like, I'm blaming you.

I'm holding you responsible.

I'm holding you accountable.

Wow, you're turning the tables.

Though, you did want to, you know, submit an easy.

Sorry, I'm a human being who has to survive.

Though, to this toaster, if you do submit an update about what you decide to do, please attach a video of your friend chewing and maybe we will have sympathy.

I need proof.

I need to know if you're being a drama the way you're describing it.

Okay, not even the sound of chewing, but like, you know, when people get like the saliva lines

and in the corners of their mouth.

See, that I think we should blame people for because that is something you can avoid.

Yeah, so and that, like three meals a day plus snacks, like that's overwhelming.

That's taxing, and you can't live in that sort of environment.

Well, by the way, why don't you encourage her to go on the master cleanse, like 10 days of just drinking juice?

That way you can get 10 days of silence and peace.

Yeah.

Try the juice smoothie cleanse that I did.

It was so good.

And then plan like fun night activities.

And you'd be like, hey, Sarah, tonight instead of dinner, I was thinking we make milkshakes.

Like, and then it becomes like a fun roommate thing.

No, I think that

when it comes time to re-up,

I don't know how you could say it to her.

I think you, I need to be honest.

I think it's a true friend.

I think you need to be honest.

Be like, I love you to pieces.

We will be best friends for life, but I am very sensitive to chewing and you chew like a cow.

And we are not compatible living together.

And I don't want to make you feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do because this is just like, and send her the symptoms of misophonia because, you know, I didn't know what it was until we chewed one time on the podcast in Las Vegas and we got our

asses handed to us.

Okay, we got fucking reamed out and now I understand.

Also, Margo claims to have misophonia also.

Self-diagnosed.

Yeah, but

anyways, just try being honest, especially if this is your real friend.

Like you can be honest with your friends.

Like if Dana was chewing in a way that I could not live with, I would say, girl.

Right.

And you come at it from a place of love.

Like, I'm trying to salvage this friendship because at this rate, like, I will kill you in your sleep.

Yeah.

No, you're doing this to save the friendship.

Right.

And I think that's powerful.

Yeah.

And she'll be doing that.

It's so nice when you have like people in your life that you can just be straight with.

Yes.

I couldn't agree.

You know, not like the co-worker who are like having to avoid her, not like skirt around.

Not like Bobble's woman who like is crazy and you would never tell her what you actually think.

Right.

No, like there's such a

you know what I'm doing in 2022.

I'm putting

fuck, I can't speak today.

In 2022,

I

no, you know what?

I take back the sentence.

I don't want to go down that road.

I don't want to learn words.

What were you trying to say?

I don't remember.

Like, I was trying to say, like, in 2022, like, I'm putting my time and energy into direct and honest communication, something like that.

Okay.

Okay.

Or maybe conversely, like, in 2022, I'm surrounding myself with people who I can be honest with.

Yeah, that's good too.

You You know, because I don't think everyone like wants to hear your direct communication.

How long,

when do you think is the appropriate time to like stop talking about the fact that it's like a new year and like stop wishing people happy new year?

Personally, for me, I take all of January because as an awkward person, having a greeting that I can go to when I see people

means everything to me.

Yeah, you just started in your back pocket.

Yeah, like so I can say, hey, happy new year.

Like when I'm texting someone out of the blue, like it's better than saying, hope all is well.

Like, you know, that I'm so formal.

I just get to say happy new year.

And it's like, I care.

Right, right, right.

So I take it through January, but I know that's a little bit crazy, but I also start, you know, celebrating the holidays in October.

But that's just me.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

I'm glad we were able to change some lives with Dear Toasters.

If you've written into Dear Toasters and we've read your prompt on air, please write us in with an update.

You leave us hanging.

We give life-changing advice.

We get emotionally invested in your situations and then we never hear from you again.

Okay.

So we would like updates.

Also, it's 2022.

Some fresh submissions.

Let us know what you're going through.

Dear toasters at gmail.motherfucking cal.

I do want to say, though, in regards to the absence of updates, no news is good news.

Yes.

And I hope that that means that you're all out there taking our advice, living your life in a positive way.

Okay, I love that.

I agree.

Yeah, but still, we just want to hear the good news.

100%.

100%.

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Just an idea.

Just an idea.

If this, if it sounded nice.

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No, I was going to say, love ya.

Oh, we'll see you tomorrow.

Love ya.

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Bye.