E1038 Ask Nick - My BFF Is Pregnant With My Ex

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Speaker 3 At this stage of my life, I really focus on my sleep and my quality of sleep and romanticizing the small things in life like going to bed early and my nighttime routine.

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They come in so many different styles and colors and designs.

Speaker 3 And they're not even just good for like sleeping. Like they're good for all day lounging.

Speaker 3 I love to get ready for bed at around six o'clock and then put the baby to bed and then just like lounge and sit and be cozy cozy and comfortable. You'll find me all season long in my skims.

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Speaker 3 And if you're looking for the perfect gift for everyone on your list, the Skims holiday shop is now open at skims.com.

Speaker 2 It's that time of year from family gatherings around a warm fireplace to catching up over your favorite peppermint mocha. Together is the best place to be.
This episode is sponsored by Starbucks.

Speaker 3 I have to say, every time I drink a peppermint mocha around the holidays, it always reminds me of when my family after Thanksgiving, the Friday after Thanksgiving, we always go downtown Savannah.

Speaker 3 We walk the little riverside market. There's always a Starbucks there.
We like go, we wait in the lot. Yeah, you get your hot peppermint mocha.
It's cold. You're cozy.
You're with family. It's fun.

Speaker 3 It's one of my favorite traditions.

Speaker 2 Delicioso. It tastes like Christmas.

Speaker 3 it does. It's the most nostalgic feeling ever to like it'd be chilly outside.
You have a hot Starbucks holiday drink, and you're like with your family. There's nothing better.

Speaker 2 Well, we love family time with a warm drink in our hands. Share the season with the peppermint mocha or caramel brulee latte from Starbucks.

Speaker 2 What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vow Files Ask Nick Edition. I am your host, Nick.
I am joined by the household in this special edition of Ask Nick.

Speaker 2 Well, it's holiday season. We got Thanksgiving coming up this week, and we thought we'd bring the household in to just talk a little holiday magic, you know? Spend time with each other.

Speaker 2 That's what the holidays are all about. And the household, you guys are like family to us, the people listening.
And I just wanted to bring in the household. My wife is here, Natalie.

Speaker 2 I think this is one of your first Ask Nicks. I mean, intros at least.
I've done, I think, a couple before. Okay.

Speaker 2 We just want to get you guys into the holiday spirit, you know, like you're about to embark on some family time. And hopefully that's going to be enjoyable for you.

Speaker 2 But like sometimes like everything else, it's almost like improv. You have to do a little warm-up, you know, when it comes to being with family.

Speaker 4 Yes, and.

Speaker 3 And before I let Nick get to his callers, I thought it would be really fun for us to play a little game of this or that sponsored by Starbucks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know about you guys, but my family, we take games very seriously yeah always a game going on during the holidays me and my family get into it i guess we're crazy it's competitive at the globerman household well we're gonna play a little game of this or that like natalie said and here's how it's gonna work uh we're gonna go a round table uh have our this or that you know hot or cold you know snowy or not snowy

Speaker 2 And then for the rest of the household, and if you are listening, you want to join along, you're welcome.

Speaker 2 But if you agree with the person asking the question, you take a sip of your favorite coffee drink. We're going to be drinking our Starbucks holiday drinks.

Speaker 2 If you want to play along, press pause right now. Pull into your local Starbucks.
Grab your favorite holiday drink. I'm drinking the peppermint mocha.
Natalie, also a peppermint mocha?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no. I'm a caramel brulee.

Speaker 3 Caramel brulee latte kind of girl.

Speaker 2 Leia and I are also popping off with our caramel brulee.

Speaker 2 I guess I'm just the classic man, you know. I'm going with the old faithful, but super reliable.
Okay, are we ready to kick off this or that holiday style? Sponsored by Starbucks.

Speaker 4 Let's rock and roll.

Speaker 3 Okay, I'm going to go first. I've got turkey or sides.

Speaker 2 I'm definitely, definitely going surprises and put it in the sides. Absolutely.
If you know, you know.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. I'm going sides.

Speaker 4 Sides for sure.

Speaker 3 Have you ever had a green bean casserole? I'm going to go turkey.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God. Am I going turkey?

Speaker 2 If my meatballs are included in the sides, then I'm going to go sides. But I'm not a stuffing guy.
I still hate turkey.

Speaker 3 Nick doesn't do casseroles or

Speaker 3 stuffings or stuff like that. it's just such a good

Speaker 4 help yourself i'm gonna drink every time i know i think um it's so good okay wait wait wait so stuffing or green bean casserole green bean casserole all day

Speaker 4 i'd go green bean casserole i don't i'm not i don't i don't stuff a stuffing i love stuffing stuffing but like the little um french fried onions you put on top of a green bean casserole you kidding me so good you kidding me

Speaker 4 i like when the stuffing gets like overdone and it's crispy okay i have a really good one because i literally contemplate with this every single day of my life iced or hot always hot i'll get hot in 95 degree weather i am the same way and the holidays definitely hot i always want hot i'm i'm iced most of the time but occasionally it is like a holiday drink i do like a mocha an iced mocha doesn't feel right in my soul i have to get like a steamy hot mocha well peppermint mocha or caramel brulee latte i'm definitely you can't you have to agree with me and drink You're just forgetting the rules and you're just drinking.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 I made up the rules, anyways. Who cares?

Speaker 5 Were you going to say caramel brulee?

Speaker 3 Of course I'm saying caramel brulee. It's a hard choice.

Speaker 5 They're both really good. In this moment, right now, I'm going caramel because that's what I'm drinking and I'm loving it.

Speaker 2 Gingerbread cookies or sugar cookies?

Speaker 2 What is yours? Sugar cookies. Sugar cookies.
Sugar cookies.

Speaker 3 Real tree or fake tree. We are a fake tree family over here because we start decorating in October.

Speaker 4 I think because I never really had a real tree growing up because I was in Florida.

Speaker 4 Real trees like are so exciting to me.

Speaker 2 Ooh,

Speaker 4 coffee with festive music or coffee with a festive movie?

Speaker 2 Coffee with a festive music.

Speaker 5 Music? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to drink coffee. I want to like, you know, start a fire.

Speaker 2 Get some chores done. Have my Starbucks drink in hand, you know?

Speaker 3 Have like some Frank Sinatra Christmas music in the background, you know?

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, or like driving around looking at the lights, like you said, driving around.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine like waking up in the morning, drinking your Starbucks drink, and having some jingle bell rock going on in the background?

Speaker 4 Oh my God, yeah, a little Christmas wrapping.

Speaker 3 Okay, eggnog or hot cocoa?

Speaker 2 Definitely hot cocoa. Holiday launch day or wait until December?

Speaker 3 Definitely launch day.

Speaker 5 I mean, as early as possible, right?

Speaker 3 No, as early as possible. Like, it's like, let's get it started.
Let's get the holiday season.

Speaker 5 It's November.

Speaker 4 I do enjoy waiting till December. I'm sorry, you guys.

Speaker 2 When the Starbucks holiday cups come out, you know it's ready to party the holiday style.

Speaker 3 Well, how about this? New holiday drinks or the classics at Starbucks.

Speaker 2 I kind of like the classics.

Speaker 3 The classics are just like, they hold up.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But the holiday drinks make it like, again, it just reminds you of the holidays. It mixes it up.
You know, you can feel like you're like joining in on the fun.

Speaker 5 You know, what's fun sometimes too is to take a classic and then to put like a little holiday spin on it. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Or even a classic in a holiday cup.

Speaker 5 How about, what about going out shopping after thanksgiving or online shopping it depends because there is something to like going and getting a coffee walking around seeing the lights being with your family yes when i'm online shopping i'm just like

Speaker 2 yeah you could also have a strawberry drinking your hand when you're doing that but i i really enjoy going into the store grabbing my holiday drink i guess it depends if i want an experience or if i actually want to buy things like my favorite thing to do with natalie is going to new york grabbing coffee, and walking around the city.

Speaker 4 It just makes you feel like really, really present and with like the person you love.

Speaker 5 And the holidays also always feel nostalgic.

Speaker 2 Shopping and coffee.

Speaker 5 No better combo. Literally.

Speaker 2 It's the best combo in the world. Well, thanks for playing along.
Hope you enjoyed this holiday segment. Don't forget to get your Starbucks drinks this holiday season.

Speaker 2 Now it's time to get to our first caller.

Speaker 2 How's it going?

Speaker 6 Hi, I'm Kate. I'm 25 years old.
And how do I convince my boyfriend that it's time to get married?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Why do you have to convince him? Well, I guess

Speaker 2 let's start with why do you feel like you're ready? And despite him not being ready, why do you feel like he should still ask you?

Speaker 6 Yeah, we've been together for seven years.

Speaker 7 So

Speaker 6 I just feel like time is of the essence now.

Speaker 6 And so we started dating when we were 18 and now we're 25

Speaker 6 and I have a house. He primarily lives with me.

Speaker 9 You own both.

Speaker 2 You own the house?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I own the house.

Speaker 2 What do you mean by he primarily lives with you?

Speaker 6 He stays there like five nights a week and then like one or two nights he goes back to his place.

Speaker 6 Yeah, so I just feel like obviously like our lives are in sync, like we're financially stable.

Speaker 6 And I guess I just don't see the point of continuing to wait until some magical time for him.

Speaker 2 So what conversations are you guys having about your future?

Speaker 6 Yeah, we honestly talk about it a lot. We even did like couples counseling earlier this year

Speaker 6 and our relationship is really great.

Speaker 6 I feel like for the most part, like we're just very in sync with one another. We're pretty codependent on each other.
Obviously, we're very involved in each other's lives being seven years in um

Speaker 6 so we've had lots of different conversations um honestly pretty much weekly about marriage and he's always reassured me that he wants to get married he wants to be married to me he wants to have kids and a family together but he just doesn't feel like he's ready yet.

Speaker 2 And have you asked him what he needs to get ready? You know?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I have for sure.

Speaker 10 And he never has like a very like clear, direct answer.

Speaker 6 He's always just kind of like, well,

Speaker 6 you know, I just feel like it's really scary. It's a huge commitment.

Speaker 6 And I'm like, well, obviously marriage is a big commitment.

Speaker 6 But clearly, like, you're not afraid to be committed to me for seven years and to have our lives like completely codependent on one another.

Speaker 6 So yeah, that's pretty much the only answer that I get is that it's scary, but someday, like for sure, we'll be married.

Speaker 2 What if he told you, Jim, just hypothetical,

Speaker 2 I'm assuming are you guys like each other's firsts in a lot of departments? Okay.

Speaker 2 What if he was just like, hey, like, listen, I just, the idea that you're my... only girlfriend and the only person I hooked up with kind of freaks me out.
What if he told you that?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, I guess I would understand where he's coming from, but I mean, I feel like if you got it right on the first try, then that's great.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, listen, I just don't know. I mean, the thing is, is like, I totally get where you're coming from, right? You seven years is a long time.
You're pretty content with the relationship.

Speaker 2 I don't mean content in a bad way. I just mean like you're just, it sounds like you're really happy with how things are.
And yeah, as a 25-year-old

Speaker 2 dating a guy for seven years, like if I'm in your position, I would, the logical next step would be to want this. For whatever reason, he doesn't

Speaker 2 yet.

Speaker 2 Why is he not ready? Right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. There's got to be a thing, an actual tangible thing, whether he is aware of it or not, but he probably is, that like, that's stopping him from being like, this is the woman I want to marry.

Speaker 2 Like, that we, you know, I love her. Like, the only thing I want, that I know I want in my life is her.

Speaker 2 And he lacks that certainty. I don't know where you're, you know, where you live, where your community is, and what you're like the people around you are doing with their lives.

Speaker 2 But in general, our society is settling down later in life. And having dated someone since you were 18 and staying together only to get married is more, is less common than it is common these days.

Speaker 2 used to be more common back in the day. So it might just be as simple as that, where he's just, he's not sure what he wants to do with his life.
You know, where is he in his career?

Speaker 6 So that's kind of another point of contention a little bit.

Speaker 6 I'm the breadwinner in the relationship, which that's not like anything that I'm upset about by any means. Like I'm totally secure in my career.

Speaker 6 He's in the interview process right now for like a full-time job, but the last couple of years

Speaker 2 he does videography so it's kind of just like weddings and gigs and social media stuff for other people um and then he bartends at a local restaurant too okay so probably safe to say that he's not like living the dream when it comes to his career yeah i would say so is he like career motivated is he does he not care is it do you do you sense a frustration from him about like just not being exactly where he wants to be professionally at this stage, yeah.

Speaker 6 And honestly, I've thought about that a lot. He hasn't necessarily come out and said like money is a factor for him, but I do feel like he kind of

Speaker 6 has those like traditional values like men should be able to provide in the relationship and stuff like that.

Speaker 6 And so I feel like maybe that could be a point of contention for him, too.

Speaker 2 Um, it might just

Speaker 2 be less about money and more about him feeling like he doesn't have his purpose yet. And I understand, I'm sure on some level, you want to be like, well, I want to be his purpose.
And

Speaker 2 listen, like, I've said this many times since I've gotten married and have a kid, like they are certainly the center of my universe. But I definitely waited until I figured my shit out, so to speak.

Speaker 2 And it's a lot easier to feel the way I do, feeling secure about, you know, where I am professionally, right? And I think that is the case for a lot of men.

Speaker 2 And, you know, there is a level of like less freedom that comes with marriage.

Speaker 2 I don't know what your guys' plan is in terms of like having kids and things like that, but it wouldn't surprise me if there's a part of him that's just like, I haven't figured myself out yet.

Speaker 2 I don't know as an individual, as a man, I'm not where I want to be. And then once we get married,

Speaker 2 this life becomes less about what I want and what I want to do and more about us, which is, is right. There's a truth to that.

Speaker 2 You want each other to feel that way to a certain degree, right? Right.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you guys start having kids. All of a sudden, you're the breadwinner.
You're like, well, you be a stay-at-home dad. And, you know, I don't know, maybe he's down for that.
Maybe he's not.

Speaker 2 Right. But

Speaker 2 it could be coming from that place, right? You know, that he hasn't really figured his shit out yet.

Speaker 2 And I think there's a desire for people to want to do that before they quote unquote settle down because there's definitely this idea that once I do that, like you kind of lock into the life that is, that you exist.

Speaker 2 Now, that doesn't have to be the case. You know, like you could be a supportive partner and just say, hey, you know, like, you know, I don't know what I would ask him what his dreams are.

Speaker 2 What does he want to do? How can I support? his dreams. I don't know.
Like, how, you know, you guys should be asking each other that. But if that, if that's the case, if that's what's going on,

Speaker 2 it might make him feel more secure to choose a life with you if he feels like you really have his back and that you are interested in hearing the things he aspires to do and be for himself

Speaker 2 and that he would have your support, you know.

Speaker 2 Maybe he wanted to go back to school. I don't know.
Maybe he like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't, I don't know, you know, but, you know, part-time freelance videography work and bartending is probably, you know, he, I'm guessing, hopes to accomplish more than that on an individual basis.

Speaker 2 Do you have any idea what some of his professional dreams and aspirations are?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think he would love to do

Speaker 6 just like anything, social media for businesses or videography.

Speaker 2 He's super passionate about that.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I guess maybe,

Speaker 2 like to be more clear he's loved like he's done a lot of concert videography and so i think he also loves the idea of travel with that still kind of vague you know i mean if i'm you know i'm not i'm not critiquing your answer i'm just like if that's all you you know if if he's telling me that i'd been like well that's not Like if you like, right, you like videography, you like social media, you want to do something in the content, content creation, you know, do you want to start your own business?

Speaker 2 Do you want to, who do you want to serve? Is it like, you know, you mentioned weddings, is it small businesses? Like, do you want to start your own company?

Speaker 2 Like, the idea of travel, I mean, I guess, sure, you know, it depends on

Speaker 2 vacations or for work. Traveling for work gets pretty old, pretty fast.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know,

Speaker 2 but like, I'm not, you know, listen, 25 years old.

Speaker 2 I mean, I was 25, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and that was 20 years ago, you know, and I think a lot of

Speaker 2 a lot of young people, Gen Z,

Speaker 2 so to speak, are maturing and growing up later in life.

Speaker 2 You're ahead of the curb. You got your house.
You sound like you have a job that you enjoy. You're making good money.

Speaker 2 You feel like, that's partly why you're so ready, you know, because you're like, I, my logical next step for me is to get married and have kids.

Speaker 2 You know, I don't know if you want to have kids, but, you know.

Speaker 2 But for him, he's just like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 You know, and I think that's probably your biggest hurdle. And so that's not to say you have to wait till he figures it out because, hell, he might not figure it out for 10 years.

Speaker 2 But what you need to do is just sit down with him and just, you know, because like I, you know, commitment's scary, you know, all those things. You guys have to find some common ground.

Speaker 2 And it can't just be you pressuring him to propose to you. You have to, you know, you really have to get him to open up about, as a couple, like, what are some things?

Speaker 2 Like, get the, you have to be willing to maybe hear an answer that might hurt your feelings, right?

Speaker 2 Because, like, I'm, I'm assuming on some level, you just, you don't want to hear any doubt about his desire to propose to you. You know, you've been together for seven years.

Speaker 2 You, you have a good relationship. So it might be hard to hear, I just worry if I get married, then what am I supposed to do? Blah, blah, blah.
You know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 It might, it might come across a way that it sounds unsexy, certainly not romantic. And it might feel almost like a personal attack, even if he doesn't mean that.

Speaker 2 But you really have to talk with him and get him comfortable enough to open up about what his real feelings are about your future.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this be like hypothetical, let's play a game. Let's say we got married.
You know, let's say we got engaged. What, you know, and just like,

Speaker 2 you know, you can tell me anything, but like, what are some, and maybe you open up with something that like makes you nervous about the possibility of getting engaged or getting married.

Speaker 2 You must have some,

Speaker 2 like, you know, you're a human being, you know, you should have some like

Speaker 2 nervousness. Doesn't mean you're not ready or you're not going to,

Speaker 2 but that vulnerability might get him to be vulnerable, right? And then maybe, you know, it's just like, maybe he can open up, but you have to find out. how you can support him.

Speaker 2 And he needs to hear that like it is okay for for him to be vulnerable with you. And you're willing to listen and you're willing to say, okay, well, let's figure this out together.
I believe in you.

Speaker 2 I want you to be happy with what you do for your career outside of us. You know, like, I want you to have a fulfilling life.
I want both of us to be able to chase our dreams. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Like, have conversations like that where you feel like you can operate as a team. You can be his cheerleader.
He can be yours.

Speaker 2 And if you haven't had conversations like that before, he's probably separating his relationship with you and thinking about and feeling a little less than

Speaker 2 in general, or even compared to you because of where you're at with your career.

Speaker 2 And really feeling like he wants to figure his shit out, but having a hard time doing it, maybe doesn't have a lot of guidance.

Speaker 2 You know, he wouldn't be the first 25-year-old person to be like, traveling sounds cool, cool, which is like, you know, we don't know what we want to do, you know, we want to do something that we're passionate about.

Speaker 2 We want to make some money. It's like, we don't know, you know,

Speaker 2 but he does have to really put himself out there and he has to try and he has to be able to take some swings and have some misses. And you, you know, that can be very difficult for anyone's psyche.

Speaker 2 And it's a little easier to do as a single person because you don't feel like you're letting anyone down other than yourself.

Speaker 2 So you're going to have to, you know, for him to be able to do this while he's in a serious relationship with you, you really have to like

Speaker 2 show that you support him and believe in him.

Speaker 2 And then failure is okay and, uh, and things like that, because, you know, that that's a probably a big reason what's driving him from feeling as ready as you are.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And I feel like we've had a lot of conversations like that over the years.

Speaker 6 And I also kind of wonder if part of it might be the fact that he like his parents were never married

Speaker 6 and he didn't really experience like an up close, healthy relationship, much less marriage.

Speaker 8 Maybe. And I certainly, yeah,

Speaker 7 I

Speaker 6 grew up with a very healthy example of marriage. My parents are still together.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't assume that. I wouldn't assume that.
I mean, it's possible. It's definitely possible.

Speaker 2 The fact that his parents parents gave him got married isn't like necessarily helping your cause, but it could go both. Like in those scenarios, it can go both ways, right?

Speaker 2 The child who didn't have your traditional upbringing might really crave that, you know, and want that from themselves. And or at times they want exactly what they had, you know, growing up.

Speaker 2 It's possible. That definitely could be playing a role.
I also think it's probably just more likely that he,

Speaker 2 the I'm not ready is more centered around

Speaker 2 he has other things as an individual to figure out.

Speaker 2 And if you want to get in, if you want him to prioritize your relationship while simultaneously feel like he can still figure out his shit out, you have to create a space that makes him feel like that.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 6 So even if I have like that safe space for him and we have great conversations about this, do you feel like

Speaker 6 I just kind of need to back off on the subject a little bit?

Speaker 2 Or do you feel like it really comes down to your approach, right? Like it's if you focus on the engagement and you're like, why haven't you asked me yet? Why aren't we engaged?

Speaker 2 Um, without having any other kind of conversation, yeah, he might be very resistant. You're definitely like, it's like, this is a definitely a threading the needle conversation.

Speaker 2 But I think this is more about like, you want to get to a place where I'm asking these questions and you're not guessing, that you really understand where your partner is coming from and his point of view, and his insecurities, and what his goals are, and what his dreams are.

Speaker 2 Now, granted, he might not know exactly what those dreams are either, but like you also helping him get there. Really, you know, you're guessing you have an idea, but you don't really know.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do. And as life, and as someone who wants to be his life partner at this stage in the game, you probably should have a more clear idea of what that is, or at least, you know, where he's at.

Speaker 2 And I just, I can't help but wonder if that's playing a role. I mean, if

Speaker 2 I think most people, men or women, feel that way. And men especially for all the, you know, and

Speaker 2 for the feeling of, yeah, a lot of men, you know, their love language is acts of service. They want to feel like they're at least contributing equally, if not more.

Speaker 2 And they want to enjoy, We all want to enjoy what we do. We all want to, you know, have a sense of like, you know what?

Speaker 2 I figured it out, you know, and I really, I enjoy waking up and with a sense of purpose for work. And I, I'm proud of the money I make.

Speaker 2 And I can always aspire for more, but I really, I figured it out rather than like always kind of being, you know, and I remember being in your

Speaker 2 boyfriend's shoes. You know, it's just like, you're kind of doing fine.
Maybe you're making okay money.

Speaker 2 I'm bartending, you can make really good money, but like, maybe, but but you kind of hear what people are doing.

Speaker 2 And when you meet people who are making good money and like their jobs, there's a sense of like envy.

Speaker 2 There's a sense of like, man, like, you know, you really have, they seem content with where they are rather than like, I still haven't found my thing, you know? And

Speaker 2 if he doesn't feel like he's found his thing,

Speaker 2 it's difficult to feel like you're ready to settle down, so to speak, because settling down means everything, you know, kind of everything else is in place.

Speaker 2 So you have to create an atmosphere, an environment where getting engaged and getting married doesn't exactly mean settling down for the two of you.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like we commit to each other, but we still have a lot of goals as a young couple. You know, what are your goals? What do you want to do? How can I support you? Here are my goals.

Speaker 2 This is what, you know, what you two should understand what as individuals you guys want to feel to accomplish, how you guys can support each other as individuals, and then what your goals are as a couple and how you guys can support each other as a couple and and and that should be a conversation you guys have where you're not guessing yeah

Speaker 6 yeah so

Speaker 6 even if he says something like

Speaker 8 um

Speaker 6 i'll be ready to get married in two years or three years or something like that

Speaker 2 you feel like that's just him kicking the can that's him yeah guessing and hoping more realistically if I'm right,

Speaker 2 that he will have found his thing. He might not even realize that he feels the way he is, right? He might not like have, you know, again, like you got to get him to open up.

Speaker 2 He might not have admitted to himself, like, I'm not where I want to be professionally. You know, he might be somewhat content.
You know, it's like, I don't know, I get making good money.

Speaker 2 I'm bartending. I'm doing this freelance stuff.

Speaker 2 haven't really you know hasn't really thought about it but there is something that's stopping him you know despite a seven-year relationship that is good,

Speaker 2 there's what's stopping him because you're right. They're like, you know, hell, it's been seven years.
What's next?

Speaker 6 Yeah. And just without like that lack of clarity or direction, I feel like I'm just left guessing a lot.
And obviously, like, I know he loves me. I know that we're committed to each other.

Speaker 6 And like I said, our relationship is really great otherwise. But I just can't help but feel like this sense of like insecurity almost of like, why

Speaker 6 are you still not ready after all these years?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you know, don't, don't, don't be like, hey, I sense this insecurity. Why are you insecure? It's Miss, you just try to sit down with your boyfriend and

Speaker 2 be interested in what his passions and dreams are and be motivated to try to support him and be that friend and be that partner who wants to help your partner accomplish his dreams so that you can be proud of him and he can feel proud in

Speaker 2 himself.

Speaker 2 And I wouldn't, you know, it's, you know, it's not rocket science. Like, you know, most people,

Speaker 2 especially men, you know, it's like, I felt a lot more ready to settle down after I bought my first house, after like thing, you know, when I was still dating, you know, when I moved out to LA and I was living with my buddy, but like, I definitely wasn't like, it's just hard to really commit, you know, when you haven't figured your shit out.

Speaker 2 And once you do, then you're, then all of a sudden it's just like, oh, I want, I want all those other things, you know? And I think that plays a big role

Speaker 2 and why people want to settle down later in life, because I think they're having a harder and harder time finding out what their thing is.

Speaker 2 Now, I mean, you know, listen, you know, the job market is, there's a lot of things that make things more difficult for younger generations these days.

Speaker 2 But also partly is just like people are also less practical too.

Speaker 2 You know, if you're, for example, if your boyfriend, I don't know, I don't, you know, there's a lot of trades that like, I mean, people can make a ton of money being electricians and plumbers and

Speaker 2 the trades that like are very under,

Speaker 2 like the, we're lacking the, you know, people aren't trained and not skilled. And if let's say he, I don't know, I'm not saying he, he might hate that.

Speaker 2 He might be like, oh my God, I can never picture him doing that. But

Speaker 2 if he want, if, again, I don't know what his passions are, if it's just like having a good reliable job he can be proud of or can be you know like i you know i think uh any electrician for example like that's that's a skill set that most people don't know how to do and you can make good money and people are in need of electricians and like if you're like i'm an electrician i think a lot of people are like oh cool that's a that's a cool ass job um i can't do that you know um and you make good money and then maybe he could do freelance on the side i don't know but maybe or maybe his passion is really like you know social media and things things like that.

Speaker 2 But he needs to have some kind of plan and purpose. Like, what is that going to look like? You know, so he has to, he has to hold himself accountable, you know, from being just a dreamer.
But

Speaker 2 it's not shocking.

Speaker 2 I would,

Speaker 2 my guess is whether that's the only thing.

Speaker 2 Maybe the parents and never getting married is playing a role, but I don't know a lot of people, especially men, who are excited about getting engaged and married and settling down if they still feel very

Speaker 2 unsettled when it comes to like what they want to do for themselves or their career early in life.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 6 A lot of my friends too have said like I might have

Speaker 6 a little bit of like an enabling issue with him.

Speaker 6 And I wonder if like that might have any impact on the situation just as far as like really kind of providing for him financially and maybe like obviously physically for a home and like sometimes I'll pay his car payments and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't be paying his car payments.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, listen, if you make it easy for if you make it just,

Speaker 2 you know, like not to get into deeper conversations, but like, you know, you heard the feed a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Speaker 2 you are giving him just enough to not want to figure his own shit out, you know?

Speaker 2 And it's a detriment to you and him if you're doing just enough to make him feel comfortable with his lifestyle.

Speaker 2 And even if he's like a little deep down, not like, you know, where he wants to be, he might not even fully realize that, you know, he's got you to rely on. So you're not married.

Speaker 2 You don't live together. He doesn't have a commitment to you.
You shouldn't be paying his car payments.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't be paying for anything other than like, you know, the occasional dinner and maybe the nice gift, but you're not supporting him.

Speaker 2 And he shouldn't be benefiting from your financial support or hard work.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think I have a hard time with that because I know like he struggles more financially and I feel more financially secure.

Speaker 2 You know, that's a his that's his problem. But like, again, like you, it's, it's not your job to do that.

Speaker 2 And, and to that point, if he wants that security, then he should, you know, that's you have that going, you know, he should want to marry you. Like, that's what a married couple does.

Speaker 2 And if he doesn't want to marry you, that's fine. Maybe he's not ready and you don't want to force him if he's not ready, but he to stop giving him the benefits of

Speaker 2 a marriage without committing to a marriage.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's

Speaker 6 probably true. That's

Speaker 2 definitely something I can do.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't try, I wouldn't like, you know, I mean, I would stop doing it right away, but I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 I would try to do that more subtly rather than, I mean, granted, if he has, you can just tell him, but I wouldn't use that as a pressure for him to get engaged.

Speaker 2 More importantly, you want this guy finding his purpose and feeling fulfilled on his own. And yes, if you think he's a little lazy and has a lacks direction, I would stop supporting

Speaker 8 that.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah, no, Diana make a great point.

Speaker 6 I feel like that makes sense.

Speaker 2 Okay. Now you have some stuff to work with.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I feel like I have a lot of things to work with.

Speaker 6 I don't know. I feel like a relationship is very good, but there are just like some key components that just don't seem to be adding up right.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, it can be very good with some things that you guys need to work on, but it sounds like this whole, you know, your, the call started with like, how do I convince my boyfriend of seven years to propose?

Speaker 2 And it's like, right now, I don't think that should be your primary objective. Your primary objective should be recalibrating expectations.
stop supporting him financially.

Speaker 2 And most importantly,

Speaker 2 having an understanding about how you guys can support each other as individuals and the dreams that you have and what are your goals as a couple and make him feel like he has value and that you believe in him, but you're also like challenge him that he has to like get a shit, you know, that he's going to have to make this happen.

Speaker 2 But you're not sitting around for a feeling, like, you know, like he is sitting around for a feeling. You're paying his rent.
You're, you know, you're supporting him.

Speaker 2 You're doing just enough where he's kind of comfortable with his lifestyle, but deep down, he's not feeling fulfilled, and that's why it's just like, I don't know, I'll be ready in three years. Like,

Speaker 2 no, you he's just hoping he'll feel differently in three years, but he's not doing anything about it that will make him feel different.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and he definitely has said in the past too that he is like he's used those words that he's waiting for a feeling and he's waiting to feel like some sort of

Speaker 6 I don't know, magical moment that he's ready, which i it's never gonna happen

Speaker 2 it's not gonna it's not gonna yeah yeah he's wearing you're waiting for a miracle well good luck hopefully this is helpful thank you yeah thank you so much i definitely have things to work on so i'll be doing that and all right well keep us posted how it's going okay sounds good thank you

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Speaker 2 How's it going?

Speaker 10 It's good.

Speaker 2 How are you? Good. What's your name?

Speaker 10 Melanie. I'm 24.

Speaker 2 And how can I help, Melanie?

Speaker 10 My best friend is pregnant with my almost baby daddy, and I am baffled.

Speaker 2 What do you mean by almost baby daddy?

Speaker 10 So I got pregnant in my ho phase, and so it was between one one of two guys. And it wasn't him.
So almost.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You thought it might be him. You didn't know for sure.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 10 I got a paternity test.

Speaker 2 And then your now best friend has since hooked up with this guy and is now pregnant with him.

Speaker 8 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 2 Is this like, are you just having a hard time processing it? Are you feeling betrayed by your friend?

Speaker 2 Or like, what, what can I help you with other than like you telling us a crazy story and us being like, oh my God.

Speaker 10 Um, she doesn't fully understand that, like, I'm upset about it. And I don't know if I have a right to be upset about it.
Like, is this something that, like, is this a friendship ending thing?

Speaker 10 Because, like, it's so awkward, like, even being around her anymore. So, like, I was just hoping to get some advice on like how I move forward and just like the awkwardness.

Speaker 2 What's your current relationship status?

Speaker 10 Like personally, like I have a house. I have a family.
I have two kids.

Speaker 2 You have two kids. Okay.

Speaker 10 Yes. So I've had a second one since.
Do you have a partner?

Speaker 2 Yes. Okay.
Are you guys married?

Speaker 8 No. Okay.

Speaker 2 What is, are you happy?

Speaker 10 Yeah, for the most part.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 10 We have our issues, but I mean, everyone does, but

Speaker 2 feel like you're working on your issues?

Speaker 10 Trying.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I mean, like, yeah, so I, let's just start with, do you have a right to be upset?

Speaker 2 I mean, you caring about her getting pregnant with this guy is giving a little like you care about a guy that you shouldn't be caring about.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And to be clear, did you like really date this guy or is he just some guy you were kind of hanging out with? He was like a hookup buddy for a period of time.

Speaker 10 Yeah, so a little backstory. Him and I were hanging out all summer.

Speaker 10 We never like put an official title to it, but we were basically doing everything boyfriend, girlfriends do without the title.

Speaker 10 And this girl also like hung out with us. Like she would third wheel with us on dates every once in a while.
That's something like her and I used to do. So like she was like fully a part of our like.

Speaker 10 situationship.

Speaker 10 And then also

Speaker 10 I would talk to her about everything. And then him and I continued hooking up for like multiple years after this like summer fling.
Um, so we hooked up for probably like three years.

Speaker 10 And like, the most recent hookup was in like within a year of her getting pregnant with this guy. Sorry, I can slow down if you want me to like.

Speaker 2 How long have you been, how long you've been together with your current partner?

Speaker 10 A little over a year and a half.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 2 So, so who is the baby daddy of your firstborn?

Speaker 10 He's not in the picture at all. He wants absolutely nothing to do with.

Speaker 2 So you're not with that guy. So you didn't cheat on your current partner with this guy, right?

Speaker 10 No, no.

Speaker 2 Okay. So you were hooking up with two guys, one being this guy that your friend now got impregnated by, and then the oldest's father.

Speaker 2 You weren't sure who the father was going, it was, but you took a paternity test and realized it was this other man who has peaced out in your life.

Speaker 2 the guy that you thought it also might be you kept hooking up with him after you had your firstborn yes okay um did she know that oh yeah i mean she fully was like

Speaker 10 um i talked to her about everything like she's been my best friend for like since

Speaker 10 what what happened why did that end and then how did you meet your current partner um it kind of ended because of my current partner um we would hook up unless one of us was he was never in a relationship We would just hook up unless one of us was me, unless I was talking or dating somebody else.

Speaker 10 So that's how it stopped is I started dating somebody else.

Speaker 2 All right. I don't think you have much of a right to be upset here.

Speaker 10 I mean, I'm happy for her and I want the best for her. It is just, it's so awkward to me that.

Speaker 2 It's only awkward because you are choosing to make it awkward. Right.
I mean, listen, you have two kids. You have a partner.
You're living with each other.

Speaker 2 you're playing house, you're not married yet, but like everything about your lifestyle is a family unit and you have, you have a, you know, a beautiful thing going.

Speaker 2 I think that's where your priorities need to lie.

Speaker 2 You had a hookup buddy that, you know, sounds like if my guess is you kind of had some feelings for or, you know, it dragged out, you felt a certain way, but like, I don't know, it never, never happened.

Speaker 2 And then you met your partner. And I'm assuming and hoping that you, you were busy being a mom and busy in that relationship.
And I don't know, your friend was single and she knew this guy.

Speaker 2 There was a comfort level there. I mean, like, it's not a crime that they like had a night where they went out and hooked up.

Speaker 2 And I'm sure he pursued her just as much as she pursued him and got pregnant. I mean, like, but like, you don't get to call dibs on this guy, you know? And I understand it.

Speaker 2 Can you feel a certain way about it, but yeah, it's not like it's just weird for you to hold some like, she stabbed me in the back.

Speaker 2 And I'm not saying you are, but like, whatever weirdness you're feeling, there's a feeling you clearly have some kind of like, did she betray me? Like, was she supposed to do that?

Speaker 2 Like, is it kind of fucked up that she did that? And like, you know, again, I don't know her situation. Maybe, you know, maybe she did it to spite you.

Speaker 2 You know, like, if you think, unless you think this girl has some secret jealousy for you

Speaker 2 and is more of your frenemy than your friend and you really think that's what she's all about and she hooked up with him because she wanted to have what she suspected you wanted to make her feel then then yeah i mean if that's who you think this friend is then you should have a problem with it But if that's not what this is, if all, if this aside, she's a good friend with a good heart who wants love and wants a connection.

Speaker 2 And like you and everyone else out there who's had, you know, a difficult time with dating and, you know, everyone's this kind of very slapper daters that she ended up hooking up with this after you were in a relationship with two children playing house, you know, that she like, you know, met up with a familiar guy and things went down and she got pregnant.

Speaker 2 I, I, yeah, I think you should just be happy for her.

Speaker 10 And I am happy for her. Like, I just was at her baby shower and, like, it's just everything changed.
Like, I found out she was pregnant on Facebook.

Speaker 10 And I don't know, like, when I was got pregnant with both of my kids, she was my

Speaker 2 second kid.

Speaker 2 You've acknowledged that you, you think it's kind of weird. And she might think it's kind of weird.
So, like, if you really value this friendship, you know, she's the one who's pregnant right now.

Speaker 2 She's in a vulnerable probably state of mind. I don't know.

Speaker 2 But, like, if you're comfortable with it it and you value this friendship and you want the weirdness to go away, then you should call her up or take her off her coffee and just say, you know what?

Speaker 2 I want you to know I'm just really happy for you. And like,

Speaker 2 and I know him and I have a past, but like, I'm happy with my, like, like, I just want to know that, like, I value this friendship. I wouldn't even, you know.
But like, I'm really happy for you.

Speaker 2 And I'm always here for you. And I don't, I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me, you know, and make it safe for her to open up.
You know, she might be feeling weird.

Speaker 2 She might have been worried about what you were going to say or feel about this.

Speaker 2 So let her know you don't care, you know, but like she's, you clearly weren't sure and aren't sure if you care.

Speaker 2 She's not, you know, so she wouldn't be wrong for worrying about you caring. and feeling uncomfortable with calling you up and being the first person she told.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, it's like you want to be the first person like you told her, but like, she was like, Yeah, like, yeah,

Speaker 2 kind of hooked up with the guys that she was hooking up with. And, you know, there's definitely some weirdness here.
And again, like, you know, this person,

Speaker 2 hopefully, certainly, I don't know who this person is. If your gut tells you that she had alternative motives and that she's a little shady, then you know, that's a different story.
But,

Speaker 2 you know, this wasn't like your ex-boyfriend,

Speaker 2 certainly not your ex-husband. It was your hookup buddy.

Speaker 2 You know, and you moved on with your life.

Speaker 2 And she hooked up with a familiar friend. Yeah.

Speaker 10 I think just having that conversation of like, I hope you know you can still like come to me is going to be important. Just because I do want her to know that.
It's just.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited you're having a child and we have both young kids. I'm really excited to spend time with you and have our kids play.
And I'm here for you. And being a mom is hard.

Speaker 2 And like, if I can ever like whatever, whatever I can help with, like advice or just like be there for each other you know yeah but if you are if you're feeling like it's a little weird then you're projecting that weirdness and she can pick up on it and then she senses it and she's wondering if you're mad at her and then you both kind of like get weird around each other and you both kind of stop talking and it's just not worth it over a guy who's like not your guy and the only thing that would stop you if you think she's a bad person who you think she's kind of shady and deliberately did this and I'm not sensing that and from you.

Speaker 10 No, No, she's she's definitely not somebody doing it deliberately. That helps a lot.

Speaker 2 All right. Good luck.
Hopefully, yeah. Let me know.
Let me know how it goes. But

Speaker 2 focus on what you have.

Speaker 2 This is a waste of your energy. You know, you asked you how your relationship's going.
You're like, okay. You know, listen, focus that energy on

Speaker 2 being present with your partner instead of kind of in a weird way,

Speaker 2 giving more energy to some hookup guy about what he means to you or doesn't mean to you or whether you should have dibs. Focus that on your family.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 10 All right. That makes sense.

Speaker 2 Okay. Take care.
All right. Thanks.
Bye-bye.

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Speaker 2 How's it going?

Speaker 11 Hey, I'm Lindsay. I am 29 years old, and I'm curious to know if being a bad kisser is a deal breaker.

Speaker 2 Who's the bad kisser? You or him?

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 11 I'm coming on here because it's not me. It's another guy that I've met.
And

Speaker 11 Let me tell you, it was quite possibly the worst experience of my life the issue at hand though is that on paper he's perfect he's perfect well other than on paper what like

Speaker 11 paper doesn't mean much but what about in love okay oh beautiful like he's got a great job i did go to his apartment like everything was good up until our lips touched basically how like describe the kiss okay have you like niagara falls if you were standing at the bottom with your mouth wide open he was a picture.

Speaker 2 So it was too aggressive.

Speaker 11 It was no coordination. It was like he was possessed by some.
I'm serious. It was so strange.

Speaker 11 And I've had my fair share of smooches.

Speaker 11 I've had bad kissers. I'm sure I haven't been great in the past, too.
But like, this was exceptional.

Speaker 2 Like, how long could you go? about kissing this guy right before i get to a point where i can tell him yeah like how long like how how long could you put up with it?

Speaker 11 That's the thing. Like, no, like I can't.
Like I would have to not kiss him again. That's, it's, it was that bad.

Speaker 2 What is, tell me about how many dates have you been on?

Speaker 11 We've only seen each other once because

Speaker 11 I haven't really made up my mind yet about if I want to go because he's such a great guy.

Speaker 2 What makes him great?

Speaker 11 We have like a lot of the same outlooks on life. We live really close to each other.

Speaker 11 i have three older sisters and that's like the most important part of me and he also has three older sisters that he's extremely close with we immediately bonded on that um not that that's huge but he's um well educated which i appreciate he's just a really nice guy really fun um takes care of himself his apartment was nice his apartment was clean he had like an adult male apartment um

Speaker 11 I was impressed. That's why we got to a point of sharing a kiss.

Speaker 2 How long? Like, so you've only had one date?

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many conversations leading up to this date did you guys have?

Speaker 11 Like quite a few, quite a few. Nothing over the phone, though.

Speaker 2 Nothing. We didn't like.

Speaker 11 He's 33.

Speaker 11 Yeah. Why are you 33 and you can't kiss? And you're good looking.

Speaker 2 There's

Speaker 2 single.

Speaker 11 Now he's single. He had

Speaker 11 to.

Speaker 2 How long was his last relation? Like, yeah.

Speaker 11 He said three years ago. He's been three years ago.

Speaker 11 while he's, but while he said that, he was like, I'm not, I haven't been in many relationships. The last one was probably about three years ago.

Speaker 11 So it didn't really sound like, oh, like, we broke up three years ago. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Have you ever had to give a guy like a kissing note before?

Speaker 11 Yeah. And like, that's fine.
Like, I think that's okay to do if you're respectful about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 11 But

Speaker 2 you think he just needs a leap.

Speaker 11 How do you tell someone that they actually like completely turn into a different person and they need to be, they need to go to school.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think you say it like that, right? I think that's something you say after you're married. You'd be like, the truth is, you, I mean, it was terrible.
Like we were.

Speaker 11 I know. I'm just a very upfront person.

Speaker 2 Sure, but you can be upfront at the right time and place, not to your detriment.

Speaker 2 You know, listen, if you want to be, if you're done with this guy, you want to give him some direct feedback and And you don't want to be nuanced for the, you know, because you don't have time, then go ahead and be direct, you know, but if you're seriously interested in this guy, knowing that, like, listen, on paper doesn't mean much, you've only had one date.

Speaker 11 But like, Kate,

Speaker 11 how about if a girl, like back in your day, told you that you were just the worst kisser?

Speaker 2 I would be very interested in learning why. I mean, like, I've told this story before.
I mean, you know, when I was in high school,

Speaker 2 I received some feedback from the girl I was quote unquote dating.

Speaker 2 You You know, you don't, you're in high school, you're kind of messing around arounding bases and, you know, it's very juvenile and you don't know what you're doing. And

Speaker 2 yeah, I received some feedback from her friend that I, that really honestly was very helpful.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I've always, I've always been coachable, you know, my sports background.

Speaker 11 That's great.

Speaker 11 We love that about you.

Speaker 2 Listen, like,

Speaker 2 it's a, you know, listen, I don't want to, you don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but a 33-year-old man

Speaker 2 who's this bad

Speaker 2 potentially isn't coachable.

Speaker 2 You know, and if he's not, you know, or not open to feedback, I'd be curious of how sensitive he is. Like,

Speaker 2 I know some really great people who aren't very coachable, you know, and they just shut down and they get in their feels.

Speaker 2 You know, you're describing this guy who has a lot going for him, right? You know, over six foot, you know, right? Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yes, yeah, yeah. He's

Speaker 2 a one percenter. So like he is.

Speaker 11 And he's extremely handsome. I really need.

Speaker 2 And I love that that's so like, so that's the thing. So he clearly gets attention from women.
You're not the first date. It's not like, so why isn't, why is it, why is he like this? You know?

Speaker 11 Yeah. No, well, that's, that's why I'm here.
I'm curious to know if you have any thoughts.

Speaker 11 Just like, you know, because I've spoken to so many people, not so many, my close friends and my sister, my family. And they're like, well, you know, like, that's something everyone says.

Speaker 11 That's something you can teach. That's something you can get over.
Like, that's not a big deal. I understand that.
Like, I know, but how far do you have to go before you can get to that point?

Speaker 11 And because we've only met each other once, we've already kissed, it could have escalated further. I stopped it from escalating further.
I didn't want it to because the kiss was that bad.

Speaker 11 I'm like, done.

Speaker 2 Maybe he's just watching like weird porn or something. I don't know.
Maybe he's been singing for too long.

Speaker 11 That's what, that's what someone said to me. And I, it could be because I have never experienced.

Speaker 2 It's possible. Listen, like, honestly, I think porn's a problem these days.
Um, and I think single men, you know, it's kind of probably what they do. Um,

Speaker 11 yeah,

Speaker 11 I don't know. It's very strange to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, listen, it's a delicate way because, like, I think all guys should be open to feedback, but certainly how you give it, it matters.

Speaker 11 And the thing is, like, I do, everything was great up until that point. Like, I was excited.
I was pumped. I'm like, okay.
And I was excited to go on, to go on the date to meet him.

Speaker 11 And I was excited, everything about it. But,

Speaker 11 you know, so disappointing for sure, but trying to figure out if I can get through it, get, get over that. And I just don't know.

Speaker 2 What if, what if, like, I mean, listen, I, I would, if you're, clearly you're still interested in this guy, so I would just keep talking with him.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 2 You can punt a date for the time being in the short run, you know, a week or so. Keep talking to him.
Try to learn more. Learn about his past dating history.

Speaker 2 Just with a vested, not like you're interrogating him, but like just a genuine interest in learning more about the guy. Who knows?

Speaker 2 The answer might like, it might work itself out before you get to the awkward stage.

Speaker 2 He might flake on you. You might get the ick some other reason, but like, let's just assume that like everything will maintain and you'll continue to get to know him.

Speaker 2 And you will still be like, Yeah, no, pretty good guy. Like, you know,

Speaker 2 really, really enjoy this, the, the conversation. So you, you hang out again, you have a nice night, you're in a position to make out again.
And I think you're just kind of like, hey, um,

Speaker 2 can we talk about our kiss?

Speaker 2 Basically, it's, I think it's like, correct me if I'm wrong, but

Speaker 2 it's like he wasn't, you know, kissing is like dancing, you know?

Speaker 2 know, it's like, I guess the guy should lead 90 10, but it's a dance, you know, when you're making out, you know, there's a bit of like rhythm, rhythm, right? And everyone kisses different, right?

Speaker 2 And I just feel like as guys,

Speaker 2 you know, there's a, you, you, he, a guy, he's not paying attention to you in that moment. He's kissing your face.

Speaker 2 He's just going in and doing his thing and expecting you to respond. So in the gentlest way, you could just be like, I want you to kiss with me.

Speaker 2 You know, I want like, I feel like we're not in sync when we kiss. Maybe you make it a wee thing.
It's just like, hey, I was that's good.

Speaker 2 I was a little surprised by our kiss because I didn't feel like we were in sync. You know, I didn't feel like we were dancing.
You know, I like a more gentler approach.

Speaker 2 Maybe we'll get like real hot and heavy someday and we can go balls of the walls. But like for a makeout, I like a little dance.
I like a little like,

Speaker 2 you know, I want to.

Speaker 11 Romance, passion.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I wouldn't like, I would not say, don't say that. That's me.
No, I know, but like, I think.

Speaker 11 I'm not saying that to him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. It's just more like, I think when I'm just saying,

Speaker 2 on a second day, when a woman's like, I just want to be swept off my, it's just a little. Oh, my God, no.
It's like, no, I get it. You know, I'm not, like, you should want that.

Speaker 2 It just comes across a little.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah, no, no. That's not something I would say.

Speaker 2 Hell no. But it's more about a,

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's a flirtation.
Like he shouldn't want to flirt with you when he's making out with you.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If that makes sense.

Speaker 11 No, I 100% agree. It's the

Speaker 11 to everything else, right?

Speaker 2 You know, I want to be teased. I want to be this.
And you make it a like, we like, forget about. claiming he's a bad kisser or why, but like, you're just not like the other he's dated kind of thing.

Speaker 2 And you're a nuke.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I presented that way, you know? Right. But like, and then the big question is, is like, is he coachable? Is he willing to say, okay, cool, like, show me, show me what you like.

Speaker 2 I care about what you like.

Speaker 2 I'm down for anything. You tell me what you want me to spit in your mouth, I'll spit in your mouth.
You want me to give you a, you know, like, what do you like?

Speaker 2 You know, like, the question is, is he open to hearing you out?

Speaker 2 And is he interested in hearing what you like and how you like to be, you know, won over and how you like to be romanced and what you like in the bedroom, so to speak?

Speaker 2 He, you know he should be interested in that because like i think any decent guy you know should and that's should be

Speaker 2 also

Speaker 11 why it was confusing because in our conversations overall i got high emotional intelligence vibes i just you know so to me that would ideally maybe

Speaker 2 maybe just off his game you know maybe just got a little turned on got a little aggressive and just like forgot how to make out with women i don't know i guess yeah

Speaker 11 maybe

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 9 It was a lot.

Speaker 11 It's a little weird that he, you know, he's never been told.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 11 You know, very interesting. Yeah.
So,

Speaker 2 yeah. But if it's so bad, it's not an easy conversation, you know.

Speaker 11 But well, like, it was so bad. Like, he was turned on by like, there was like lady in the tramp saliva between us.
It was that gross. And he was turned on by it.
Like, he was like, oh, that's hot.

Speaker 11 And I was like, oh, come back.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, that's a, that's, yeah, that's a problem.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 11 Yes. But then he'd like turn back into his own.
That's what I'm saying. It was like he was possessed.
But yeah.

Speaker 11 Strange. Anyway, yeah.

Speaker 2 Major.

Speaker 2 That's hot.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He might be watching some porn.

Speaker 11 I think so. Maybe.
That could be.

Speaker 12 Because it's freaking weird.

Speaker 2 Either way, like, and he, he is allowed to have his kinks and he's allowed to like a little extra saliva, but it's a time and a place, and you're not there yet, you know?

Speaker 11 Um, yeah, no, like maybe later when it's

Speaker 11 better,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 um, yeah, I would take that approach. I would just, yeah, like, can we talk about our kiss?

Speaker 2 And you'd be like, well, yeah, sure, what do you mean? You know, and yeah, you just, you have to try to avoid you're a bad kisser. And it's more about this is what I'm down for.

Speaker 2 I'm, I was, i was a little caught off guard it was it was a little you know the the harshest you want to be

Speaker 2 is to say i didn't feel like you were kissing me i kind of felt like you were just kissing me how you kiss as opposed to like connecting with me in that moment you know that that for sure that's definitely direct you know in a in a relationship in this stage of the game For sure, it is.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 11 He's an adult. He can take it.
He should be able to.

Speaker 11 And like, and we'll see. And I guess it's like, we'll see what he does with it.

Speaker 2 But I would, yeah, you're right. I would spend the next coach.
I would spend the next week building some rapport with him. Sure.
And trying to emotionally move this relationship forward.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 11 So that it can see if that can improve it as well. Yeah.
Make me feel better. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or just like, you know, it might, you might.

Speaker 2 figure out again you might not be into it you might you know i don't know maybe it might solve itself and you know, it might also make him feel more comfortable with you when you have this question that he's

Speaker 2 spent more time with you. And he's like, I, you know, you, you want him to be like, I really like this girl.
She's great. You know, she,

Speaker 2 you know, whatever makes me feel this, makes me feel that.

Speaker 11 Like, he's still texting me and stuff. So, and I respond, it's just, I mean, I, we both have the very great excuse of being busy.
So

Speaker 11 that's kind of like I'm busy recording a podcast right now. I can't hang out.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 And so you just stopped talking? No. Or what?

Speaker 11 Like kissing?

Speaker 2 Did you like leave right after?

Speaker 11 So I like stopped. I was like, I don't want to do anything else.
I was like, I'm good. I was like, you know, not a first date, whatever, like use that kind of thing.

Speaker 11 And he was respectful of that. He did try to kiss me again.
And like, I did, I like.

Speaker 11 approved of the kiss or sorry, I went in for it because I thought maybe it would be better. It wasn't.

Speaker 11 And then I was like, I got to go. And very quickly I left.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 But I didn't leave in an obvious way that it was because of the kiss. You know,

Speaker 11 I just happened to make my way to the door, sort of.

Speaker 2 The fact that he said that's hot afterwards is another red flag.

Speaker 11 It's crazy.

Speaker 2 He's got a kink, you know?

Speaker 11 Yeah, and that's fine. I'm not kink shaming.
That's okay. It's just this was the first time we kissed.
Like

Speaker 2 a little. It's a bit presumptuous of him if if yeah, you're right if it if it's a kink great, but he shouldn't be so confident that he can

Speaker 11 put that kink on me right away.

Speaker 2 Yeah, to like introduce a kink without honestly not to say your consent is a little aggressive, I suppose, but like in a weird to presume my approval to presume that you're going to be down.

Speaker 2 Um, and it's less,

Speaker 2 it's also showing that like when it comes to the bedroom, he's more concerned about what turns him on rather than what turns you on. Totally.
And there should be a little bit of like that's that,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 11 No, that's not how things work.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah. And I did get those vibes as well because of this.
I was like, maybe this also will show me or this translates into maybe how he was.

Speaker 2 But I do think men, you know, we all need to get checked from time to time. If he hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years, he just might have gotten a little, he just needs to be checked.

Speaker 2 Well, not only excited, but just like a little,

Speaker 2 a good-looking six-foot guy gets a little cocky and a little,

Speaker 2 and there's a lot of people out there, you know, women he's dating who don't feel comfortable checking him or don't want to waste their time bothering.

Speaker 2 And I think he might have a false sense of confidence about, you know,

Speaker 2 that everyone's into him. So

Speaker 2 the difference between whether he's one of the good ones and not is will be his his willingness.

Speaker 2 If you come in with like kindness and you're not trying to like minimize belittle him without patronizing him and make it more of like, this is what I like. And are you interested in

Speaker 2 turning me on?

Speaker 2 And he's very and he and he sounds very interested in turning you on and doing the things that you like, then that's a huge green flag or a huge red flag.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 11 Yeah, totally. What he does with the information totally will tell.
Yeah. I guess.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 11 I mean, there's lots else, but that's enough for today. Okay.

Speaker 11 All right. Thank you so much, Nick.

Speaker 2 My pleasure. Take care.
Let me know how it goes. Definitely want to really.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I'll keep you guys posted if anything changes. Sounds good.

Speaker 11 Okay, you have a good one.

Speaker 2 You too. Take care.

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