Threevisiting: Lauren's Topics Presents: Scott's Topics

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah.

And look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, Alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

FREEDOM!

Freedom!

Tootom?

No!

Freedom!

Freedom is back!

Freedom is a black on you!

You bad bitches!

The trolls are back!

With a bitch, we're the bitch, and the bitch is back!

The trolls of freedom are back!

We are back!

Oh my god, we are to troll you in the edgelord shit posters of all time.

We are doing it.

We're little piggies for you.

I'm disgusting.

We hate ourselves and we love you.

I'm filled to the brim with self-loathing.

I'll bring it to the cribkeeper.

Is that something he's doing?

I hate myself.

Self-loaming?

Oh, God.

She's dealing with some sort of story involving loam.

Lowering into a grave.

What do you think he looked like before?

I think it was handsome.

I think it was big.

Gravekeeper is bang.

I think he was very handsome.

He had beautiful, fleshy cheeks.

He had that long, stringy hair.

Oh, his face.

He had the hair.

His face was covered with skin.

Oh, the best skin.

He had a nose.

Wow.

He does have eyeballs.

He's actually looking at the bread.

Oh, he does have eyeballs.

He has beautiful blue eyes.

Well, absolutely.

They're piercing.

They're icy cold.

Yeah, yeah.

He had earrings, too.

Speaking of piercings.

He had earrings.

Hey, his skeleton.

He had like big gauges.

He had big big earrings.

Oh, big hoop earrings.

When you have gauges.

He would take them off for a fight.

When you have gauges and you die, does your skeleton have big holes?

Yeah, of course.

In your butt.

Oh, well, yeah.

What?

What?

I can leave you Saba.

Oh, my God.

Is this the way the show's going to be?

Oh, my God.

It's not like that.

But wait.

I feel like it's like that.

Yeah, hi.

I heard that you got threatened over email.

Hold on.

Hold on.

We got to introduce ourselves and say welcome back and shit.

Oh, I guess.

Oh, my God.

Hi.

How dare I come?

Hi, Miss Scott.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Paul.

Oh, my God.

How do you look at you guys?

You don't look anything like what I imagined you to look like.

I could say the same thing about you, but I'd be lying.

I imagined you like the cripkeeper, but with skin.

That's what he looks like.

Thank you.

He looks like that.

But you don't look like that.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I'm Lauren.

If you want to know who I am.

BTW.

BTW indeed.

This is Threedom, the show where three buddies

verbally jerk off.

Well, okay.

That's right.

Oh, speaking of jerking off.

Physically.

Paul, did you get an email?

Well, I'm glad you brought that up.

I'm so glad you used that into make a good segue.

I'm so glad you used that into makeup.

Yes.

I got this email sent to somebody that I know.

Uh-oh.

And it starts off very positive.

Oh, good.

And it takes a turn.

Oh, no.

Why don't you walk us through that?

Okay.

Greetings.

Exclamation mark.

That sounds funny.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Yeah.

Is it Christmassy or foreign?

Exclamation.

Exclamation.

Or time traveler?

Esclator.

Exclamation marks.

Excuse me.

They're the new period.

Escalator marks.

Well,

I hear the new period is no period.

Right.

Exclamation mark is like: if you don't have an exclamation mark, you sound like you're bored or sometimes I don't use it.

The new period is starving yourself to the point where you stop having a period.

Right.

Yes.

But then I read an article today about how periods imply anger now to the younger generation.

Yeah, it's hostile.

The younger generation.

Younger than us.

Because they're used to communicating through TikTok dances.

And when they see up here and they think it's a textbook,

he thrusts his fists together.

He thrusts his fists against the posts.

Oh, and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Oh, my, I'm not familiar with the reference.

That is a rhyme that you say if you are having trouble with a lisp.

Say again.

He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Oh, no, it doesn't work.

Oh, why haven't I done a Lisp character?

Why haven't you done a Lisp?

Why haven't you?

That's a great question, I think.

Thank you.

You really should make fun of all those people.

It's not making fun.

It's just

inhabiting a body

of someone.

Inhibiting.

Someone unlike me.

All right.

Three-dimensional being.

I got as far as greetings.

Then it takes a turn.

Oh, really?

After one word?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

So it's pretty quick.

I have to share bad news with you.

Oh, no.

Paul, is everything all right?

Cool, boy, it's not.

Okay.

Approximately a few months ago, I gained access to

somewhere in the range of a few months ago.

Because it sort of feels like it was like five months ago, but I think it was more like a few years ago.

It was either somewhere between a month ago and six months ago.

Yeah.

I gained access to your devices, which you use for internet browsing.

True.

True, they gained access to that.

True, too.

Wow.

After that, I have started tracking your internet activities.

After that.

Well, that's on me.

After that, I have started tracking your internet.

Can you slow down?

Can you make sense?

I need to be off book with this.

After that, I have started tracking your internet activities.

Wow, you did it.

Okay,

can we just get a series?

Sometimes when you don't look at it, it's actually easier.

Oh, God.

That's what doing voiceover is like for people who don't know.

Just get a series.

It's like, yes, you did it 100 times.

You get 100 times 100 times.

You're not in control of your own performance at all.

I had actually a situation recently where I was not in control of my performance to the point where I was like,

I can't believe what's happening.

I was asked to squawk like a bird, sort of unexpectedly.

How did it sound?

Horrible.

I could not figure out.

Give us what it's like.

No, no, I can't.

Did you get to pick the bird?

Did you have to do it?

No, I can't.

I actually have to work on this because it has to happen later.

Let's hear what you have, though.

I can't.

I'm actually seeing.

Like you had to leave.

No, no.

You didn't get it.

Go home.

I truly was like, I won't be shocked if I get fired because I couldn't think of how a bird squawked.

Were you playing a bird or were you playing a human who squawks like a bird?

I kind of wanted that situation.

Yeah, okay.

But it wasn't mentioned.

The answer is man.

It wasn't mentioned.

What?

No, I can't do it right now because I want to hear it.

Shut up.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't want to hear it.

Thank you.

Anyway, I was like humiliated.

I couldn't make a sound that made any sense.

I truly was like,

I got to work on this later.

I was like, I can't, I got to hear what a bird sounds like.

So, what did you do?

Did you walk through the park and listen to the chirpings of a bird?

I basically got in the car and wanted to commit harm against myself, and then I forgot about it until now where I have to go back and do it again.

So it made you feel bad for roughly 60 seconds in the car.

It made me feel bad for a few days.

A few days, really.

Just kind of repeating myself.

Yeah, exactly.

Here's the sequence of events.

Okay.

Some time ago,

I mean,

we established it was

approximately a few months.

But could I just say, I don't think, so far I'm like, okay, so

you browse on the internet.

Yeah, you browse on the internet.

Yeah.

Well, they've been tracking my activities.

You know, she's like, that set up a little warning that you're not going to be able to do it.

It's a thing.

But maybe you've gone to what?

Expedia.com?

Yeah, and like booking.com.

Are we sponsored by

hotels.com?

Yeah.

What are some of our sponsors?

Let's see.

We don't have any.

This paper says it's about our pills that cause our world.

We are our own ad.

Our ads are just about our show.

Yeah.

I would like to promote pills that cause the ad you'd like to see in the world.

Yeah.

Some time ago, I purchased access to email accounts from hackers.

Purchase.

Access to.

well, hold on a second.

Nowadays, it is quite simple to buy it online.

Oh, okay.

I like that they just explained.

So you can do it too.

I have easily managed to log into your email account.

Easily.

And then they say my email account.

Oh, my God.

Well, they were emailing you, so I think they knew that part.

They should have said the password.

That would be actually scary.

One week later, I have already installed.

One week.

So a few months ago, plus one week.

Okay.

Time is really adding up, and I'm lost.

What are we in?

March?

I've already...

I have already.

When did you start doing the thing that he's talking about?

I have already installed the Cobalt Strike beacon on the operating system

of all the devices you use to access the screen.

Cobalt Strike?

Stop the episode right now.

You need to take care of this.

The Cobb Strike beacon is literally, they know everything.

I know.

I'll tell you what I did at the end.

Okay.

It was not hard at all since you were following a link from your inbox emails.

They keep saying how not hard it was.

It was not hard at all.

Since you were following the links from your inbox emails, all ingenious is simple.

And then an emoticon of a smile.

That's nice.

All ingenious.

Wait, say it again?

All ingenious.

All ingenious.

All ingenious is simple.

Emoticon smile.

So it's like a catchphrase sort of thing.

Wait, a period after the emoticon?

Yeah.

I don't think you have to do that.

Emoticon.

I don't know what the strunken white is on that, but.

I do think when you say emoticon, we're putting ourselves back like at least 20 years.

Yeah.

Just saying, emoticon.

Yeah, what?

Emoticon.

Emoji.

Oh, we've moved on.

Emoji.

So we no longer can say emoticon.

We can't say it anymore.

We don't say that anymore.

I just think that

the kids might be like

listen to them saying emoticon like they're playing mind sweep.

What do we care about what the children think about us?

I don't know.

How young are you out there?

How young are you?

How old am I?

Yeah, we asked who our oldest listener was, right?

I think we asked about youngest listeners and we got a few that were like three and four and they love us.

Well, six-year-olds.

On behalf behalf of other people kids if you're listening go to school tomorrow we can't if a parent says my three-year-old listens we're like we don't know that you that's not true but do they retain yes they don't know what's going on

if they saw us on the street could they point at us the youngest listener who is able to process the podcast and compose an email i want someone 12 years old to be our biggest fan.

Why?

Because they can compose an email.

Oh, to be our biggest fan.

How young is too young to be emailing?

It's like if you're like 12 and you love our show, is it like when we were growing up and you're like, you're into something?

I'm trying to think of like a reference that's like, if I was like, if I was like 12 and I'm like obsessed with Howard Stern, I did watch Howard Stern, but

you shouldn't have been doing that.

Well, I know, but he had a show on E where he showed the big titty ladies.

Guys, it gets worse.

That was

worse.

What?

Oh, no.

This software provides me with access to all your devices' controllers.

Example, your microphone, video camera, and keyboard.

That's bad.

Paul.

He can start typing on it.

That would be scary.

It'd be like very ghostwriter.

Did you watch that show?

No,

I was an adult by then.

I would really hope that you didn't watch it.

I have downloaded all your information, data, photos, videos, documents, files, web browsing history to my servers.

I have access to all your messengers, social networks, emails, chat history, and contact lists.

That's everything, Paul.

It's really validating.

This person did not leave out a thing.

Shit.

Yeah, because he even got the keyboard.

Did he say accept

Safari?

No.

Don't really.

No.

He's like, or if you were in incognito mode, I don't know what you did.

He didn't mention that.

So I'm assuming.

And I'm assuming it's a he.

It's definitely a man.

Women don't do stuff like this.

My virus continuously refreshes the signatures.

It is driver-based.

Oh, it's driver-based.

And hence remains invisible.

Explaining is so funny.

I'm like, you don't owe me an explanation for how easy it was, how you did it.

I'll do this to him.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Oh, he's a good idea.

Exactly.

He's giving you all the clues.

Mr.

Police, you gave me all the clues.

Yeah.

And hence remains invisible for antivirus software.

Likewise, I guess by now you understand why I have stayed undetected until this letter.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's pretty obvious, yeah.

I know where this is going.

While gathering information about you, I have discovered that you are a big fan of adult websites.

Paul, no.

You love visiting porn websites and watching exciting videos while enduring an enormous amount of pleasure.

That's all you had for porn.

Enjoy it.

I love it too.

You love enjoying it.

Well, and having a lot of pleasure.

Oh, yeah.

And an orange please.

That's one reason to go.

Sure.

Sounds like it makes sense.

Well, I have managed to record a number of your dirty scenes and montaged a few videos.

Well, montage.

You aren't in them.

This is like a montage.

Hold on a second.

So he's editing and cross-cutting.

He's like, here's your triple chip.

I have managed to record a number of your dirty scenes and montaged a few videos, which show how you you masturbate and reach orgasms.

Oh, no.

How do you do it?

My technique?

I've always wondered.

How you reach orgasms?

Well, I reach orgasms by masturbating.

Oh, I know that.

Yes.

But how?

I thought that was obvious.

From behind and under?

I don't want anyone to know my technique.

If you have doubts, and I did it first, I can make a few clicks of my mouse and all your videos will be shared with your friends, colleagues, and relatives.

Wasn't there a black?

He He didn't leave out a single group.

I haven't received anything yet, though, Paul.

Has he

probably paid off?

He hasn't done it.

Oh, you don't skip ahead, Scott.

He gave them money.

Considering the specificity of the videos you like to watch, you perfectly know what I mean.

You perfectly.

It will cause a real catastrophe for you.

Oh, my God.

What do you watch?

Giraffe Horn?

Reverse Cowgirl?

Reverse Cowgirl.

I watch Catastrophe and I jerk off.

Anytime Rob Delaney takes his shirt off, it shows his butt.

By the way, I think that's normal.

I've been watching Catastrophe.

Great show.

I like it.

Love Rob.

Don't make a show and show me your butt.

If you're a friend of mine, you know what I mean?

If you're in charge of the show, yeah.

You don't have to show it.

There were a few times where on Comedy Bambang where they're like, hey, so like this in the script, it says you show your butt.

I'm like, oh, yeah, cross that out.

Yeah.

If you did that, that would be horrible.

I would hate it.

I hate it.

By the way, it's pronounced pronounced catastrophe, not catastrophe, as I thought.

Oh, okay.

That's in the email.

No, that's just a sidebar for me.

So this guy knows what you do.

I also have no issue at all with making them available for public access.

No issue.

To expose all data.

No issue at all.

He's fine.

I thought he'd have no morality.

I thought he'd have some compunction.

Yeah.

He has no compunction with doing that.

Jeez.

And that's like a period or exclamation point.

You've got to have some compunction.

General Data Protection Regulation, GDPR.

Under the rules of law.

Did he write GDPR?

Yeah, he did.

I know that does seem like a thing that I would do.

General Data and Protection Regulation, GDPR, colon, under the rules of the law, you face a heavy fine or arrest.

I guess you don't want that to happen.

I don't know why I face arrest.

If you hacked into my shit, I face it.

No, I think he's trying to say the stuff he watches.

Oh, because it's so disgusting.

Because it's illegal.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah.

So that's.

And there's really only one thing that's illegal.

Well, I got to say,

girl and girl.

Yeah.

Gross.

I got to say, like,

that's when you go, okay, unless you're actually a pervert, but you get that email and you go, oh, I'm fine.

I didn't look at something that the government will arrest me for.

See,

I've gotten one of these that's a little more like.

I got one too.

I wonder if I can find it.

That's just a little more like, hey, you know, I have videos of you doing this.

And I'll, unless you pay me money, then I'll.

let you hear.

I'll find it.

What would be the word?

Wait a year that I'm bankrupt now.

Yeah, put a greedy.

I'll put greed in it.

Wait to hear this.

Let's settle it this way.

You transfer 6.8 Bitcoin to me.

6.8 Bit.

Okay.

How much are Bitcoin now?

They're like 50 grand or something?

I don't know.

I also don't know where the point comes in.

You have to get bit.

It's like you have to work 10 weeks on SNL or something as a guest writer.

Just buy one.

Don't bring those bits in.

One Bitcoin.

You transfer 6.8 Bitcoin to me.

And once the transfer is received, I will delete all this dirty stuff right away.

Yeah, right.

After that, we will forget about each other.

Oh, also promise.

So, I'll forget about you, and you'll forget about me.

I don't think I'm ever going to forget that.

Or is that something he could do with a tool, like sort of like a movie thing?

Yeah, like a neuralizer, like a men in black.

Yeah,

I don't think you waving Harry Potter.

I've never

seen Men in Black, so I didn't know what movie it was, and I didn't know what to call it, but I was doing, I was doing what you were saying, like an eraser, like a big eraser.

They erase your brain.

He's like, You will forget about me, and I will forget about you.

I don't think he forgets about you either.

I know you don't forget about him.

him.

But if you forget about him, he might as well have forgotten about you because you don't know about him.

Because anytime he spends some of that Bitcoin, he's going to go.

This guy knows what he's doing.

I'm sure he's doing this to so many people who masturbate.

And I think he will forget about me, but I'll remember this.

It'll be a scar on my brain anytime I masturbate from now on.

Well, that's true.

You are going to worry that he's looking at you.

He says, after that, we forget about each other.

I also promise to deactivate and delete all the harmful software from your devices.

Trust me, I keep my word.

Oh, good.

Okay.

So this guy sounds like

he's sort of a gentleman scammer.

Sure.

This is a fair deal.

That is a fair deal.

And the price is relatively low considering that I have been checking on your profile and traffic for some time by now.

He should promise to send pictures of himself doing the same jerk-off stuff.

And that way it's like detection.

Mutually assured destruction.

Yeah, that would be good.

That's the only way to send it.

I would love it if he did that.

If you don't know how to purchase and transfer a Bitcoin, you can use any modern search engine.

Oh, any modern one.

Wait, how old does this be?

Not being able to do it.

Do not ask Jeeves, baby.

You got to get on Google.

Can you imagine asking Jeeves that?

Ask Jeeves.

I would never.

I'd be more than happy.

How do I get Bitcoin for my board?

Jeeves.

How do I?

Jeeves, old boy.

Transfer.

This is a little embarrassing, Jeeves, but I've been watched on my computer.

It was very easy, you see.

For using GDPR.

You need to send that amount here Bitcoin wallet.

B, C, 1, Q, 8, K, Y Z L N N Fitcoin wallet out for six

money K 8 everyone send your Bitcoin B G Q X Z G 7 U J U X J J P W

Q you're right B C O Q 8

Paul is expanding so it can be bigger on his phone.

It's I mean it's a long address.

Well it is and that's because it's his wallet and you really it is very specific.

All right, here we go.

Sorry, everybody.

BC1Q8KYZLNNF4A65K8PGQXZG7UXJJPWQ0LCDVK3RA5.

The price is not negotiable.

Well, how much is it?

6.8 Bitcoin?

6.8 Bitcoin.

What does that equal?

You have five days in order to make the payment from the moment you open this email.

In In U.S.

dollars.

Do not try to find and destroy my virus, exclamation.

That's $141,181.10.

It's a fair price, and it's not negotiable.

Could you get him down 10 cents?

That's so much.

I got one of those, and they wanted me to send them $1,000.

Yeah.

It's lucky.

Yeah.

But this guy is,

he's hitting the people who are like really bad perverts.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, you pay me off with your fucking mortar.

I think it's by

masturbation session.

That's how he does.

doing it.

It does make sense.

You only saw me do it like a thousand times.

You saw you do it 141,000.

Your guy needs like 141,000 people to respond and pay him.

This guy only needs one.

That's true.

He's kind of got a, it's better that way.

Yeah.

Better business plan.

All your data is already uploaded to a remote server.

Do not try to contact me.

Various security devices will not help you.

Formatting a disk or destroying a device will not help either.

By the way, since your data, something is making it longer, but I can't put my finger on it.

by the way edit these down if you're gonna send these since your data

like give me this is one of the most gripping things i've ever read no honestly it is because it's crazy how he's really threatening you yes you have no way of getting out of this uh so what are you gonna do you're gonna send like formatting a disk or destroying a device will not help either since your data is already on a remote server yeah i get it this is an apt hacking group don't be mad at me everyone has their own work Whoa,

try getting a job at a store.

I have empathy for him.

Fish got to swim and birds got to fly.

Yeah.

Okay.

So what what are you doing?

What are you going to do?

I will monitor your every move.

Yeah, I'll let you know when it's over.

Jeez.

I'm not going to just keep looking at my phone.

I thought you were checking text at this point.

Let's hear it.

This is an APT.

I will monitor your every move until I get paid.

If you keep your end of the agreement, the agreement, you won't hear from me ever again.

Everything will be done fairly.

One more thing.

Oh, God.

Don't get caught in similar kinds of situations anymore in the future.

My advice?

Keep changing all your passwords frequently.

My advice?

How kind.

Is there like a stage direction of evil laugh?

No, I added that.

Oh, I took a liberty.

That was an artistic license.

You put in a moticon of the devil.

I sent him the 6.8 Bitcoin and

1.2 more Bitcoin, just as like a little buffer to be like, hey, come on.

You're like, I'll probably do it again.

So let's just kind of.

That's good.

That's the only way to take care of this kind of stuff.

I have yet to hear back from him.

He forgot about it.

Or from anyone in the hacking group.

No, I think you're good.

I think it's all good because he was basically once he gets the money, he'll never do.

Do you think so?

Yeah, I think so.

This was this morning.

Yeah, no, no, he hasn't even had time to respond.

Yeah,

he's out there.

He's working right now.

This is

the beginning of the work.

That's true.

This is his job.

He's got it.

You'll hear from him at 5 p.m.

Yeah, he'll

be

at EOD.

Okay, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

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And we're back.

We're back.

You know, it's time in the show for a very special segment.

Lauren, be quiet.

Okay.

You know, it's time in the show for a very special segment.

Yeah.

Lauren, take it away.

This is called Lauren's Topics.

Now, I have a lot that I want to say today, baby.

Okay, if you've ever heard of the show called Love is Blind, season three.

Yeah, if you've never

heard Freedom before, Lauren quite frequently has a little segment called Lauren's Topics.

And it's

pretty much how would you describe it?

It's really interesting.

It's really good.

I think one thing that happens a lot is that i sort of conflate my other segment reality recap with lawrence topics and i will then throw out some sort of reality information like i just did and then we correct you and then you and then that was good information that's 90 yeah there's a new season of love is blood and it's great um but

excuse me you're excused thank you so i have a topic today and my topic is that i'm in this moment sharing my segment and calling it Lauren's Topics Cole.

What are you fucking talking about?

Scott's Topics.

Scott's version?

The Scott edition.

One time and one time only.

One time only.

Wait, one time only.

Thank God.

Hold on.

There's a parenthetical.

But we'll see if maybe he ends up having something else he wants to share, at which point we will assess the situation.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait, till I get to

use Lauren's topics.

Yeah, this is your time to kind of just share anything really interesting that you want to talk about.

Really interesting?

It has to be one of the most interesting.

Caveat Empire.

you can't just you know tell me you know about your morning routine or something i need to hear well actually

i went to physical therapy this morning for my foot okay that is interesting

actually i do want to hear about your morning routines oh okay well you heard mine which is what was it you get masturbated scammed for my masturbation so you masturbated five times

and i got scammed i'm just gonna keep sending this guy a bitcoin yeah you better i think you have

just one every yeah every time you jerk off sometimes in advance like I'm going to jerk off later.

Well,

in our previous

sexy movie, you're going to see some.

I'm going to be excited.

We're going to watch Mr.

and Mrs.

Smith on cable.

Remember when people went to movies just to be horny?

Yeah, I do.

A few names pop to mind.

So, wait,

let's talk about your topics because I know you and not related to that.

Tell me a topic.

But not unrelated to that.

Well, sure.

I mean, I guess life happens.

Boy, is that the truth, man?

Gump happens.

Gump happens.

Is that

those were Forrest Gump t-shirts that are you fucking kidding me that came out?

Because does gump mean shit?

Well, yeah, that was in the movie.

It's shit happens, is what he said.

But then they wanted to market it, so they made it say gump happen.

Did you hear that?

I missed that time of the Forrest Gump?

Yeah.

Oh, a bunch, yeah.

A bunch.

I've seen it probably five times.

What?

Yeah.

That is five times too many.

That one I worked at the video store.

I i remember seeing forest company that was like

a movie no see you and i think our age difference there i like thought it was great yeah you're you were stupid yeah yes but i feel like a big difference in ages is

a thing you like i do think if i were your age at the time i would have made fun of it yes yeah but i think a generational thing is like

younger people I feel like people younger than me, if they liked a thing once, they like it forever.

Totally.

You don't think that's generation, generationally, that's not true?

You're saying?

Or just I think I'm saying I look back at the things that I liked when I was a kid

and I can say, oh, that sucks.

I remember that being good.

And I looked at it.

I remember when I watched a Scooby-Doo episode and I was like, wait a minute, this show's terrible.

It's the cheapest fucking thing.

Yeah.

But I loved it.

Of course.

I loved it.

Absolutely.

I feel like we had so much fun being like, run, Forrest, run.

No, that is fun.

And we would do that on the playground.

Of course.

I just think.

Someone would pretend to have braces and then run out of them.

Yeah.

What made him run?

What made him run?

Being taunted or something.

Oh, people were chasing him?

I think he was being taunted to shreds, and he had to run.

Just taunted?

Do you know?

You cannot run.

He might have got his ass kicked.

I don't remember.

Do you remember the movie Mafia Exclamation Mark, which was a sort of

brothers-type movie?

Yeah.

In fact, one of the editors on Mr.

Show was editing a three-minute trailer to that for weeks.

And

ain't that a kick in the head by Dean Martin?

Kept playing over and over and over next door to my office.

Oh my God, that was a terrible time.

Here's what I remember.

And I associate this with Forrest Gump because it was a

parody of a Forrest Gump scene, of that scene, where I guess when Jay Moore's character is a little kid, he's a florist.

He works at a flower shop.

And so he's running.

And there's a little girl

that yells,

run,

Florist.

But she says it just like that.

It's like, don't worry.

Look,

we can't have people missing this.

That's so brutal.

Really, really, really enunciate.

Yeah.

You know what it is?

It's not funny.

What?

What?

What?

Stop laughing.

Here's what's up, though.

We need to be talking about

Scott's.

Scott, this is a real misuse of Scott's topics.

Is this the topic?

Is the Jay Moore movie Muffin?

I think you're using it for that.

Do you think he just wasted his topic on

Scott?

Do you think he just wasted his?

I think he did.

Is Jay Moore in Mafia?

I gotta look this up.

Yeah, he is.

He is.

Okay.

He's the chitchiller mafia.

So Mafia is a parody film of like Goodfellas and they also threw in a gauge.

It was like father.

But then, of course, they would throw in any fucking gag they could because they had to fill

however many pages for us.

Yeah, we should write one of these movies.

It sounds easy enough.

Maybe we already did.

We should check our desk drawers and see if there's anything in there.

I did write a draft of scary movie three.

Who didn't?

After the fact.

You're like, here's why.

After the fact.

After the fact.

After the fact.

Did it.

Can I say that?

I was wrong.

Yeah.

So.

Let's see.

I

can't.

You know how you have.

So there's one of, you know how we all have these catchphrases that we bring back or self-references over and over again.

Of course.

Now, there's one of yours that I've never gotten, but I've always...

Girls on film, because everyone goes.

No, I get that.

But I've always accepted it as one day I'm really going to understand.

I bet I know what it is.

So, this is kind of like you settling scores.

Okay.

Which one is it?

Oh, wait.

You want to guess?

Yes.

Okay.

From a deli owner, that's a rave.

No.

But how does that go?

Oh, it's

from a deli owner, that's a rave.

It's not a song.

Lauren's talking about song things.

Are you talking about song things?

It's a song thing.

So it's like you hear it rhythm and

so do you.

Can you think of one that maybe I might be thinking of?

Oh, my God.

It's too hard.

You have some songs.

You have girls on film.

You have Baby Come Back.

Well, that's brand new.

You have Ghostbusters.

You have it, though.

We all have Ghostbusters.

We all have a lot of these.

I learned I had Ghostbusters the other day from the doctor.

Oh.

In your gallbladder.

Yeah, I was terrible.

I have Ghostbusters of the Gallbladder.

GB, GB.

I know I know it's serious.

GB of the GB.

I know I know it's serious.

I have a girlfriend in a coma by the Smiths.

Yes.

Now, I like the Smiths, but I actually didn't know that song.

And it came into my Spotify rotation.

And then I was like, oh, I love this.

And then I was like, what?

And I finally was like, okay.

Oh, my God.

And now I'm like, I need to know what would set that off.

So I have to go through that.

And I think going, da-da-da-da-da-da.

I know, but I'm like.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

If anything in that rhythm that falls in that rhythm.

And it's very, it's a very specific thing.

Because I'm like, I can't think of anything, you know.

It's not necessarily a number of syllables, although it has to be that number of syllables.

You hear it and you know.

It has to be the emphasis of like the way you read a collection of words if it's scans.

Yes.

That, that, that, that, that, da.

I can't wait for it to happen.

That da.

Well, that's the I know because you could take over the I know part.

If it's just da da da da da da, you would go, I know.

That's true.

You know what, Scott?

You're right.

I can't wait to hear one because I can't wait to hear one.

I know.

I never knew what it was.

I know.

It's serious.

Right there.

Oh, my God.

I just did it.

Okay, that's amazing.

Well, I guess.

Okay, so we have wasted Scott's topic.

I think it's closed.

Oh, that's too bad.

We do have to take a break.

We do have to take a break.

We have to take a break right now, just mentally, and then come back and go.

We should take a break.

What's your topic?

Because previously, we're took a mental break.

Yeah, let's take a mental break.

Or have a mental break.

Previously on freedom.

Previously.

Previously on freedom.

So, Scott, I hear that you have a topic you're going to want to introduce when we have to.

Scott Ackerman.

Yeah, when we

come back for a new season, I want to have.

Can I use Lauren's topics to talk about something?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm going to see if the topics are full and what's going on.

Because

I have a running list of all the topics that I have.

And whether it's full or not.

Yeah.

So

it kind of hits a level.

So anyway, yeah, we'll check in

in the next season.

Yeah.

And we're not going to forget about it, right?

We're not going to talk about something stupid like the Jay Moore movie Mafia.

Why would we ever talk about that?

Okay, great.

You promise Pinky Swear, guys.

I'll Pinky Swear.

I'm never going to think of that.

I promise, Pinky.

Thank you, Pinky.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Okay, see you next season.

Amazing.

So that is what happened.

So I guess I did say you could do it.

And the topics are not full.

It's not full.

And the mafia thing did happen.

That was so weird.

I feel like.

Yeah, that was weird that we were able to months ago.

I think the flashback was important because.

Flashback was important.

I know.

Wayne's world get away with just like there was a bill in 10 already.

Yeah.

It's not the same.

It's

very close.

Let's see the difference.

I'm not talking about that specific thing.

I'm talking about the whole, the characters.

Oh, yeah.

You know,

you know what?

They're really different.

Well, they're based on the archetypes that you see.

One has black hair, one has blonde hair.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's pretty much where the samenesses end.

Yeah.

Okay.

Those aren't even samenesses.

One has black hair and one has blonde blonde hair.

They have a mirroring Oreo situation.

They definitely have an Oreo

situation.

Because Oreos are, you know, one color on one side and one color on the other side.

The one half of the Oreo, one half of the other.

It really is those like generic cookies that are like chocolate at 170 on the other side.

Hydro.

So good.

Yeah.

I love garbage supermarket cookies.

Oh my God.

I love the 365 mismatched.

Fuck yeah.

What are those?

That's what I'm talking about.

But it's like basically the store brand version of chocolate on 170 on the other vanilla cream in the middle.

But it's got much much back.

Okay.

People are going to be mad because.

Don't say cream in the middle.

I'll get scammed again.

Greetings.

Greetings.

I heard you're thinking about cream in the middle.

Greetings.

You listening to that prince song?

So people have been waiting with bated breath for I don't know how many weeks we've been off the air, but so they need to know what is your topic?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, okay.

And it's surprising to me that people still haven't picked up on this or figured this this out yet.

Sure, if you're not on social media, though.

That's true.

All right.

So the one top, I guess the one topic that I want to talk about is that

Jay Moore movie Mafia.

Have we talked about that?

God, I was hoping it would be this.

And so people on social media will have seen all your babies.

I've never seen this, yes, that you do talk about this.

All right, I had a baby.

What?

It's a boy.

It's not, but I had a baby, it's a boy.

It's a reference I like to make to a 1-800-Elect commercial.

Oh, who was it?

I don't know, but it was a, they called it.

I thought We Had a Baby, It's a Boy.

Oh, they had the baby.

Oh, yeah, because it was so quick.

Do you have a collect call from we had a baby, it's a boy, um, but you had a baby, it's a boy.

Do you remember that?

I tried to call Phoenix, but I called Fiji.

It's like that could not happen.

That's Tony Morrison.

Siri, call Fiji.

Somebody picks up the phone and says, Akamana V-side.

That's so crazy.

Akamana V-side?

You know, I think that's what they say.

Akamana V-side.

Yeah.

They're like at some resort.

Oh, Akamana Viside.

This woman is trying to call miserable old Phoenix, Arizona.

And she gets this beautiful resort.

This is a beautiful paradise.

And she's upset?

Well, because it's, of course, it's a huge expense.

I guess, but like, so you have to do that.

Maybe they'll give her a free trip or something.

And it's so exciting.

She's so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

And did you share her name online or you're not sharing?

Yes, Emerald.

Oh, it's such a beautiful name.

And

yeah, we,

I mean,

you know,

I think in a previous season, we talked about that operation where they drained my balls.

I recall.

I think I accidentally made fun of you.

Believe me, it cost me some Bitcoin.

So you go home,

open your computer,

say what is inspiring.

I was listening back to the other

episode, and you had to pay.

Just because I said balls?

He has it on channel.

He's recorded it.

He said balls to change.

He recorded me listening to it.

That's really a lot.

Balls getting drained.

Okay, so It doesn't just get turned on by the idea of balls.

They got to be drained or creamed.

The word drained.

Like, the idea of draining balls is so funny.

Every drop.

It would make a noise.

I want them to be shriveled up.

A noise at the very end of the crew.

Nasty.

Mastie boys.

It all made a noise.

But you're doing the Janet Jackson with your.

You have huge shoulder pads, I just noticed.

I wore shoulder pads the other night to be be lisa renov for halloween and i felt amazing yeah

yeah anyway go on okay so kulab and i we

uh

she's talked about this on ad to cart if you want to get the long there is a long nice explanation of backstory and yes current story over the last 10 years middle story is that i think

10 years ago 10 years ago next month was the first time that we

that we were pregnant and wow

10 years ago this very next month Well, that is wild.

It's been 10 years.

It's so amazing that it's

so it's been a long, been a long, been a long time.

Yeah.

Lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Yeah.

But, and we went through a lot of like IVF stuff.

We went through.

America's Funny.

Oh, no, sorry.

Yeah.

We watched a lot of that

just to get in the mood.

Yeah.

Well, getting giggly makes you really want to.

We went through a lot of at and giggly with it.

Getting giggly with it.

No, no, no.

Wait, getting giggly with it, huh?

Oh, my God, call Al.

That says good shit.

Wait, make the movie again.

Al.

Okay.

You need to add in giggly with it.

Make the movie again.

Long story short, we had a lot of ups and downs where we had quite a few pregnancies that did not work out.

We had to switch doctors, and our new doctor said that our old doctor

performed a procedure that they should not have done, and it ruined our chances.

Yeah.

Anyway, gang.

So we did.

Kind of a gang.

We did another round of IVF.

And, you know,

the older you get, the more diminishing returns there are, you know, like of, like, because when we first started years and years ago, we would get 20, 50, 100.

No, we would get, we would get a lot of eggs.

A lot of eggs, and they were wasting them.

They were putting in like two at a time and three at a time and going like, oh, that didn't work.

Well, let's try.

You have a lot of eggs.

So by the end of this whole thing, when we finally went to the new doctor, we were cool up, went through two rounds of IVF.

It is no, I did that as well, and it is not easy to a point where she was crying one day, going, I don't know what's wrong with me.

And I was calling the doctors, and they're saying it's the hormones.

And

she's like, Can I stop?

And they're like, You can't, unless you'll just have to start over.

So, she's just going through major depression.

Anyway, so we

drained my balls.

Am I going through IVF?

And you're just depressed, Paul.

It's not the same.

Let me stick you with this.

Can I stop?

I mean, let me stick you with this.

All right.

I'm done.

This is going to cost me Bitcoin.

Bitcoins are adding up.

We're doing so many shots.

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots.

I know.

Trigger shots.

I'm just kidding.

Look, if you've gone through it, you know just how brutal it can be.

Absolutely.

Anyway, so at the end of like several more rounds and me doing this operate, we both, she did a retrieval and I did this operation at the same time.

We were in two separate rooms.

She famously heard

them say

that's right.

She famously heard them say, Get the smelling salts, because I was about to pass out.

Get the smelling salts.

I want to say that.

And I was like, Oh,

yeah, because this is so boring.

But it's not boring at all.

Anyway, so we finally were able to get one.

We were just able to get one.

No, this is where it gets interesting.

Well, good.

They were able to, we were able to get one one

egg

thingy.

Well, you made an embryo.

An embryo, yes.

And we, and, and out of all the ones, they like maybe we had two and they tested, and three were bad, but we, we had one viable one.

Uh-huh.

Now, they want you to have two because it cannot work out.

But Kulop did not want to go through the IVF again because I feel like she did it 10 to 15.

It wreaks havoc on the bod.

Yes.

So she's like, please, I don't want to do this again.

So then, then we uh our doctor said okay you need to do this via surrogate because uh because of what happened you are uh you cannot have a baby cool op so we then went through the process of getting a surrogate and that was and this was right uh

this was in 2020 no 20 2020

2021 because the the vaccine had just come out.

So

we had to zoom with all these surrogates surrogates and we actually got a surrogate who was like, part of the deal was you have to get the COVID vaccine

before we do this because we only have one.

We don't want, you know, something like that.

So we got one who was like, yeah, yeah, I'll get the COVID vaccine.

And then

for the next two months, they say it like that.

That's a red flag.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'll get the COVID vaccine.

How do you say that?

COVID.

I say COVID.

So for the next two months, while we were, you know, like settling everything and she was going through the doctor's stuff that we were paying for and all that kind of stuff.

She kept like every once in a while going, but what if I didn't get the COVID vaccine?

We were like, oh, no, you have to get the COVID vaccine.

It's called, it's a rule.

Yeah.

And then finally, right as we were signing it, she's like, look, I'm going to be honest, I ain't getting this COVID vaccine.

But you know what?

That was such a blessing because it worked out the way it was supposed to.

It was great because, whatever, that seemed like a bad situation.

And then we quite quickly got the woman who turned out to be our surrogate, who was amazing.

Yeah.

And so, uh, she got to go vaccine every morning.

You didn't, you ended up with somebody where you didn't have to wonder, you know, she was a communicative person.

She was great.

We really, really like her and her husband.

And so, uh, this was her sixth baby, her third surrogacy.

Wow, it's so amazing.

It's such an amazing thing to do.

Yeah.

And she, uh,

it was really good.

I mean, we, you know,

we got off tour.

Paula and I got off tour.

And

I thought I had one month until, because she said, I'm giving birth on October 1st, probably, because I have in every other pregnancy.

And that's kind of my fault because I kept reiterating that to Scott.

Yeah.

I was like,

Paul says you have one month.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't mean that she would give birth on October 1st.

I meant that that many weeks and that many days.

So she, she was like, October 1st is the target date.

So we did that tour and I was kind of like, oh, okay, a month leeway.

That'll be good.

Literally, the plane landed when we got back and the surrogate texted and said, my mucus plug just dropped,

which I said, disgusting.

Yeah, I hope so.

And I sent her a thumbs down emotional.

Yuck, don't you want to deal with that?

You never.

By the way, I've never heard that before in my life.

My mucus plug just dropped.

Well, why would you?

Yeah.

What situation would you be in?

You hear, you hear me?

No, but you know, you know what's interesting?

On her first date, I'm doing something where

I'm doing something that I can't talk about, but it's mentioned.

And it's like, I wonder if it's maybe, or will it be that thing of like, what's that thing where the Mandela effect or something where like you think.

Oh, yeah, Baron Seaton Bears.

What's that?

Mandela effect.

That's one of the prime examples of the Mandela effect.

You think it is something, but it's not something and it never was.

Yes, exactly.

I think I'm doing the wrong thing.

I'm doing the wrong thing.

There's a, what's the word for when you hear something and then you start seeing it everywhere.

And it's like, you go.

Oh, right.

I forget what that term is, but I know what you mean.

Yeah.

But anyway, maybe you're now that you've heard it.

Now you'll see everyone talking about it.

That's weird.

Okay, wait, but

that happened.

So that happened on

September 1st.

That can mean it's coming very soon.

It's coming very, very soon.

Or it can mean not.

It can mean not.

What does it also mean?

So basically,

there's a chunk of mucus.

It's a plug.

It's like, basically, like, it's like, you know, if it's released.

You know how you stop up your toilet with your big, nasty shit?

Yes.

Go on.

Okay.

It's protective.

I'm going to describe it wrong.

Say those go down and you finally unplug your toilet.

Even if you describe it wrong, can I hear yours instead?

So mine's like, it's okay.

If you take a big shit in the toilet, it goes, oh no.

I'm going to just look up the definition so we can just tell you.

Oh, God.

I thought you were going to fucking show me a picture of a mucus plug, which is a good thing.

The mucus plug is a thick piece of mucus that blocks the opening of your cervix during pregnancy.

That is what I thought it was.

It forms a seal to prevent bacteria and infection from getting into your uterus and reaching your baby.

Think of it as a barrier between your vagina and your uterus where your baby is.

If I must, yeah.

so when I've heard uh, my water has broken, that's a different thing.

So, the mucus that is that says it's kind of that's like you can plug drops.

My water never broke.

Your water never broke?

I'm so sorry.

You still have it.

Oh, no, dude.

Yeah, I kept it.

You're drinking it right now.

That's so good.

It has a lot of nutrients.

So, wait, when they say it drops, what does that mean it drops?

It comes out, like you see,

you see mucus in your underwear or toilet.

Or if you're just naked around the house, your couch.

But I'm sorry, women are very used to like various things coming out of the vagina where it's actually

and various things going in.

Sure.

Pennies.

So it's not that big of a deal at that point.

Yeah.

So it's, it's, it's, she.

So you know.

We, we, men don't have to deal with this shit.

I got home and learned this news.

Comes out of other things.

Okay, whatever.

Got home and learned this news, and then it became a race of like, I was like, oh, I have a month to like record two months worth worth of podcasts or whatever.

It's a lot.

It's advanced.

You have a lot of podcasts.

So it became a race to like record everything.

So we would like you versus that mucus plug.

Yeah.

The mucus plug is gone.

Sean and I would do several

several scary movies a day.

Right.

Anyway, so

then it took another month, like basically

two weeks later, two weeks later, she said, we're three centimeters.

I'm three centimeters.

And she lives in Riverside, by the way, which Riverside is close, but if there's traffic,

it's just far enough where it's like a two-hour,

if there's really bad traffic, maybe a little bit longer, which would suck if like it's like, hey, my water just broke.

And then we missed the whole thing, right?

So we were like, three centimeters, we could probably, like, we were going to go in a week.

Yeah.

And then Kulop's friend calls and goes, Kulop, you are going tonight.

Three centimeters becomes five centimeters becomes 10 centimeters.

You need to be there tonight.

I have to say,

I think Kulop's friend group is so fascinating because what I love about them, and I've really been like, I listen to the deep dive, I listen to bitch.

So I feel like I have a lot, a good sense.

I mean, that's an ad to card.

So I'm like, I have a good sense, like the friend group.

And then being at the baby shower was another thing too, because I witnessed it a little bit more, even though I know all these women and they're all so funny.

The way they communicate is so strong with each other.

I love it.

Like, I love it.

I think it's like so.

I just like think, I just love that kind of energy that they just are like, you have to go now.

Yeah.

No one really talks to me like that.

And I wouldn't mind if they did.

Yeah.

Well, I would like to talk to you.

I'll structure.

I'll start.

You need to go now.

Yeah.

But I just like how they're like, they'll be like, your hair was fucked up.

And then, like, oh, okay.

And then it's like, you need to fix it.

Like, it's like, there's this way of like, just like this honesty, but it's like in the best interest.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

It's like, it's like, you need to work a little harder.

Yeah.

Like, Jessica and June will have the funniest conversations.

Like, yeah.

I told you you can't wear that color.

Right.

Like, it does not look good on you.

And it's like, oh my God, I just love it.

Yeah.

So it sounds pretty rude.

So collab's friend.

They love it.

I know.

I know.

So Kulop's friend said we had to go.

So we were like,

okay.

So we got everything together.

By the way, I had a go bag like at the ready every single day.

So I had one.

Your porn collection, your comic book.

My Bitcoin.

All my collected from Paul.

My Funko Pops.

I mean,

I got to line my Funko Pops up for Emerald to see.

I want it to be the first thing that she sees on Earth.

But I had a go bag and it had like three days worth of stuff.

And I was like, okay, I'll put put maybe like two more days worth in there.

Yeah.

Because it's happening, I guess.

Yeah.

And you don't know how long you'll have to stay.

Yeah.

So, oh, no, but I had assumed it was a shorter time.

No, that's what I mean.

I mean, like, it might be a couple more days in your future.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, yeah, it might be five days or something like that.

We got to the hotel in Riverside and it was two weeks that we were in Riverside.

And we were...

You're at a good hotel.

It was, it was fine.

It was good.

I mean, it was nice.

Like, we got to know everyone there.

We got our waitress in the mornings for breakfast because we got got a free breakfast every morning.

Was like kept going like

you're still here?

Where is this place?

Yeah.

I know.

Well, you have to pay for the roof.

Breakfast.

That's where they get you.

So every, and every day we would go down to the front desk and go, can we extend by one night?

And they'd be like, okay.

Did you explain?

No, never explained.

Although at one point, and then at another point, because our surrogate was also 45 minutes away from the hospital.

And so then at a certain point, she goes to see her doctor, and the doctor's like, looks at her and goes, and by the way, she's still three centers.

She remains at three the entire two weeks.

Crazy.

The doctor looks at her and goes, like, wow, the head is like really close.

That's so insane.

Yeah, well, I mean, and the doctor goes, this is why people have babies on the freeway.

All right.

See you next time.

And we were like, good, good, good, goo.

We were like, she has 45 minutes to get to the hospital.

We were like, she has 45 minutes to get to the hospital.

Come to the hotel with us because the hotel is by the hospital.

So we, we then get her and her family to go to the hospital.

To the hotel.

To the hotel.

Which is near the hospital.

Which is also a hospital.

That's why I said it.

So they're seeing us with this pregnant woman.

I think maybe that's.

Your hair is fucked up.

Thank you.

And you need to go.

Thank you.

It's like, Jesus Christ.

Well, you know what it is?

It's like...

It's the kind of thing like I was at a party like a couple weeks ago and in every picture, my bangs are like doing the weirdest.

I'm like, can one person have fucking gone?

Let me do this.

Because there was wind and rain.

Fixed the hair.

Take you inside and say, You need to leave the party.

It was inside, but then we were outside, and then my hair got fucked up.

But I was like, one person, if I was in that friend group, they would have fucking fixed that.

Yeah.

And they would have looked at the camera and the picture and gone, oh no, no, Lauren's hair is messed up.

Let's fix it.

Delete.

And then we can have a good picture.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

Your friends?

Yeah.

Not bad.

That's what I'm saying.

They're too, they think I'm too chill.

I I want a little more.

Yeah.

You want

to be there?

No, they're not.

Are you sure?

No.

You're a little scary.

No, I'm not.

You're fucking not.

We have only been doing the show because you frightened us into it.

Yes.

You're wearing gloves with spikes on them.

Anyway, so two weeks, two weeks later, we're just going day by day, day by day.

And her family's in the hotel.

I mean, her family is in the hotel.

No, I said it.

She calls us in the morning, literally

on the two weeks after we got to this hotel, and and she says, On the Fortnite.

I feel like it's happening tonight.

Or I feel like it's going to happen today.

I just had a restless night.

I just had a restless night.

Had a restless night.

What is that?

I feel like chicken day.

Chicken night, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Chicken night.

Chicken day.

Great commercial.

Great commercial.

Really good.

I have one dance to run.

So we say, okay,

let's go to the hospital.

Great.

It's happening.

We go to the hospital.

She gets checked out and they say, you're three and a half centimeters.

They won't do anything until five right they're like look and size queens they go they go look uh we'll set i mean we can maybe induce you in a couple of weeks because this is her due date this day uh-huh this is the due date but they're they don't want to induce until like maybe 41 or 40 you know 41 and a half 42 weeks my i was 41 and a couple days when happy birthday

oh oh you're talking hollow came into the world yeah so i had to wait a full extra like eight days right so they're they won't induce they won't do anything And everyone's kind of freaking out because we're like, we don't want to be in Riverside for another two weeks, but we feel like we can't go.

We can't go now.

By the way, I have only had five days worth of clothes.

So we have been going to Target every other day and buying clothes.

That's actually kind of fun.

So we know every Target in Riverside.

Go to a laundromat.

Oh, you wouldn't go the same way twice.

No.

They're Mac.

Like, why do they keep buying clothes every day?

Why do they keep buying Marvel sweatshirts?

You know, you can buy clothes a lot at a time.

You don't have to keep buying one outfit every day.

Yeah.

So, so

the doctor leaves the room and goes, yeah, we'll, we'll figure this out.

Let me go take care of the paperwork.

We'll be right back.

We're not allowed in, so we're outside like getting all this information on the phone.

Makes me sick.

The doctor comes back an hour later, checks her and goes, oh, you're five now.

Okay, well, stay and

we'll like do it today, and we'll break your water if we have to.

We will get you to the highway, and you can have this paperwork.

So.

So So exciting.

So, so, you know, there's, there's other stuff I'll save for another episode, but

really exciting.

Yeah.

I can't wait to hear the rest, honestly.

But we can,

we do have to take a break.

We do.

So we're going to be right back and we're going to play a three-cher.

I love it.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.

The great news is you're the expert on your child, and sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.

I'm Dr.

Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.

On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.

From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.

Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

Kippy Cubert.

We're here with Qbert.

We're here with Qbert.

Qubert, how are you doing today?

Really?

And then what happened?

Well, what did you say?

And what did they say?

And then you got up off the floor?

And then you ran for Congress.

Oh, no, they stole the election.

And then you were on January 6th?

Quart was in there.

He was there.

Oh, yeah.

Qbert should be the mascot of QAnon.

That would be so good.

That's so bad because that's really good.

Cues everywhere.

Sometimes, you know, when you think of some.

This is the official podcast of QAnon.

Let me go on.

We just

Qbert QAnon, just to see if anyone's coming.

Paul, you're a baseball fan.

The World Series ended a couple of weeks ago.

Yes.

And I'm very sorry.

Or you're very happy.

Okay.

For me.

When you see something that's like the official credit bank financers of the Major League Baseball, why do they need one?

The best is there's an official CBD of individual teams.

I got some emails like, we're proud to say this is the official CBD of the Dodgers.

I'm like, oh, okay.

Wow.

Congrats, everyone.

Stephanie was telling me that on certain days when you bring kids to the baseball game, they can run around the field.

Oh, yeah, we've done that.

It's the best.

Yeah, I pretend to be a kid.

I lick a big lollipop.

Yeah, turn your head sideways.

Everyone arrests you at the end.

Nora nephew, Nora Nephew, you talked about it.

In the last couple of years, I think we've spoken about it on the stage.

It's the best.

It's so cute.

It's so cute.

It's a huge line around the stadium, and it gets people.

And it gets people depressed, of like, oh, I don't want to wait.

I don't want to wait.

But they.

But these kids are going like 20 at a time around the bases.

And so it's really nice.

It's kind of slice.

And it's fun.

like many lines you've been in yeah it's fun it's fun to do

this ain't your granddaddy's line this is a line for like a disneyland ride that has 500 seats and everyone just why don't they do that on disneyland it's like get everyone into every ride just do it it's like everyone comes into disneyland every ride should be the the cart or whatever you get into yeah is the length is 20 000 people or whatever it should be 20 people across and 1 000

people back and then every single person comes into the park park at the same time, and they go, and the person goes, okay, go into this ride.

Everyone takes that ride.

Then they go, okay, go into this ride.

Almost.

They all go over.

Almost.

Almost.

Okay, we have to play a threecho.

We have to.

We have to.

Contractually obligated.

Look, a lot of people don't like the three churches, and guess what?

We don't either.

But we have to do it.

Our new producer, Matt, makes us, by the way.

Matt is literally

pounding his fist.

He's doing the old.

He's doing the old man.

It's really threatening.

I mean, there must have been a time when somebody did that for real, right?

And it was actually threatening.

It was, can you imagine?

Because it was probably a kid.

If a scary man was looking at me in a dark alley and started doing that, I'd be scared.

You'd laugh at first.

Oh, are you out of your mind?

But I'd go, oh, you're going to mash myself.

It originated with little kids, right?

Yeah.

Like the little rascals, it seems like.

I say, yeah, like I know your origins.

If you were in fucking school and then a bully was doing that at you, you'd be fucked up.

Well, because it crossed the way

after school, four.

Yeah.

Looking at you, dead-eyed little bitch.

I think this is the thread of this pain going to connect.

Yeah.

This is why you teach.

I'm going to punch you with this end and I'm going to, I'm going to put my, this behind your head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To cradle it.

This is why, Lauren, we need to teach our children, and I'm glad we're relating on this show fine by the way.

Yeah.

But we need to teach them not to be afraid to relate in this past.

Not to be afraid of pain.

So they should experience every type of pain and see that it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, would I throw out one thing related to your topic?

Yeah.

Just before we go, there's this book called The Art of Waiting.

I just wanted to recommend that book if anyone.

Like a restaurant roundup?

No, it's about trying to have a baby.

But if anyone out there would like to read that book, if you want to, if you're a baby, it's about waiting for a baby or waiting for any of us.

Yes.

You know, yeah, if anything that connected with you resonated with

change.

Then I thought that book was really great.

Okay.

The art of waiting.

What about Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?

I read it when I was 18.

I read it too.

And you were like, retained nothing.

I remember the dude rode around on a motorcycle.

Yeah, that's about it.

And his dad taught him how to fix it or something.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I don't remember.

I remember it was supposed to be like you were supposed to get something out of it.

Well, I remember not reading it, but also realizing that's when I did not, that's when I realized I didn't know how to spell maintenance and I really learned it.

Maintaining.

I remember a script I wrote that I spelled restaurant rest and then rant or maybe run.

Restaurant.

Rest run.

I worked at many restaurants.

Restaurant.

I hate that.

I worked at

a 13 calendar restaurant.

And someone made fun of me for how I spelled it.

And it was how I learned how to spell restaurant to this day.

Rest all rant.

I'm going to make fun of is one of the best ways to learn something.

Yeah, your hair looks shitty.

I actually went to dry bar yesterday, so I have confidence that it's not horrible today.

But a lot of times it does look like shit.

What if you go to a wet bar?

Because it looks like shit.

What if you taught your children

to act like they loved pain?

Like if a bully was to like they're like a dominatrix or something.

Yeah, where it's like

a sub.

Not like they get sexually gratified by it, but teach them to do that.

Like they're fucking, they're demented.

Like what?

If a bully.

Like, give me another one.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's, honestly, that's a bully's worst nightmare.

Teach your child to be like a fucking psycho face.

Yeah.

Well, that's for kindergarten.

Give me again.

Blood running.

Give me your psycho face.

Give me your psycho face.

You're a fucking monster.

You're a fucking insane person.

No one will fuck with you.

Yeah.

That's what you're going to teach her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are Holly and Emerald going to be friends, do you think?

I think so, because I think Emerald got a card from Holly.

She did.

I don't know if you knew that.

Holly, I did know that she needed stamps.

But Holly, yeah, Holly sent Emerald the Halloween card.

Yeah, just to make sure that she was.

That would be wild if Holly walked up to you with a sealed envelope and said, Do we have stamps down here?

She's like waving it around.

Holly address and everything else.

All that's on the internet.

Yeah.

It's true.

But she was so happy for Emerald to have have her first Halloween.

Yes.

She was a little flower.

So cute.

So cute.

So cute.

Holly was a butterfly.

And then for her second outing, she was a Harry Potter character that we had this costume.

My mom had sent.

It was really cute.

Which character?

Hermione with a tool skirt, basically.

Tool skirt?

What's a tool skirt?

You know, like a turtle.

It's like a tool belt, but it's.

Tool belt?

What?

Like a ballerina.

Oh, oh.

Oh, is that what that?

That's a word stick.

T-U-L-L-E.

Oh.

T-U-L-L-E.

Tool.

Yeah.

All right.

We have to play this creature.

Yeah.

I love tool.

What if they spelled it T-U-L-L-E?

They should.

That would be sweet.

It'd be a little like rebrand.

Yeah.

Let me check in with Maynard about that.

What if they did softer versions of their existing songs?

That's what they should waste more time doing.

Kool-Ap.

That was her idea for the Sloppy Boys.

Because we've been listening to The Rockaby Baby, where it's like Rockaby, lullaby versions of Radiohead or Prince or David Ball.

Oh, I need to get into that.

Oh, yeah, they're all on Spotify.

See, I don't know anything about it.

I just listen to whatever I want, but

she's like the Sloppy Boys.

She put out an album where they do lullaby versions of their songs.

What's it called?

Rock-a-bye baby.

Get it?

Rock-a-bye-baby?

Get it?

Got it.

Philip says they're good because instead of just like listening to,

you know, what's the ABC song or whatever?

It's songs she likes and will be able to do that.

Well, that's what I really want.

I love the ABC song.

Okay, this is great.

I'm going to add this to my.

Shoot that poison arrow through my.

all right.

Let's play this three church.

Hip, hip, hooray.

I love that so much.

So good.

Yippee, yippeei, yay, yay.

So, one of the best vocal ad-libs I've ever heard.

And then to have

a million views.

What is it?

To keep it in.

Yeah.

And not be like, should I keep this in?

The look of love, right?

The look of love.

For every live show, he's doing that.

Yeah, I saw him live.

And by the way, I saw him live.

He doesn't regret it.

I saw him live live and he was wearing a dinner jacket, right?

And then the cover with dinner.

The encore comes on.

Flattered with spaghetti.

He does look of love for the encore.

He leaves the stage, changes into a gold lame dinner jacket and comes out and does look of love and does yippee-eye, yippee-i.

I like when people do what we want.

The idea of hip, hip, hooray at the end of that song.

And then he's like, all right, if I did that, I might as well do this.

Let's escalate it.

It does like something you would just do when you're goofing around at home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so good.

It's a hip hooray.

It is so funny.

Is it a mistake that the editor left in?

I feel like sometimes you do things that are really funny like that, but it's not funny at all to you because you're just alone.

But then you kind of go, wait, that was really weird.

I don't think they left it in.

I think it was like he did it.

I think he instantly was like, this is

really, it's really making me laugh.

He's like, that's fucking hilarious.

I want to do that for five million years.

I'm going to do this every single time.

If he did it every song, like DJ Khaled going, Another one.

Another one.

Then, and then we would hate it.

Yeah.

But, okay.

No, it would be better.

Oh, it would be better.

Okay.

I was willing to go

either way on this.

Time's a waste.

Talking to her and the fat boys.

This is submitted by Rosalie M.

Hello, Rosalie.

Hi, Rosalie.

Hello.

She submitted a few, but we're going to play Noah's Ark Mythical Creature Edition.

all right Lauren's gonna play Noah wants a cubit if you can believe it and um bringing that glass ceiling you're the women can do male characters you heard air first

and only yeah

no one else will ever say it okay you're the you're like a bouncer on the ark and you're letting animals in okay it was like a bounce house for a second I thought it was a bouncer

bouncing on my ark okay seems to me that you live your life like a bouncer on the ark

so we're the multiple layered.

We're the last two to arrive.

We're multiple layered.

Happening at the same time.

Yeah.

We're the last two to.

Simultaneous.

We're the last two to rive.

And you only have one spot.

Sybilis.

And you can only give it to one of us.

And by the way,

Paul and I have to be mythical creatures.

Yeah.

Not of the same type.

Sorry.

This is the personnel that I've never understood.

Syllabus.

Tom.

Sibyl.

Sibilants.

He's doing the mic tests.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you need to hear those.

But do you say that?

Does anyone say that word?

Or that was like.

like, yeah, because it's like it, the certain like you need to hear if the sky is.

I know he stuck with me, and I just was like,

Yeah, because I said it eight million fucking, and for some reason, that stuck with me.

One of the most popular catchphrases from SNL.

That's not one of the most popular.

People saying sibilants, yes, it is.

That's not one of the most

20.

That wouldn't be

finished of SNL that year, of that sketch,

Of that sketch.

I actually say other phrases from that sketch, including, I actually don't remember what happens next.

I have no idea.

He runs around and tests the mics.

I don't know what happens next.

Then Aerosmith plays, right?

Okay.

Oh, that's right.

I don't know.

Aerosmith plays.

I'm telling you, I don't remember.

It was a big deal, Janie.

You gotta go.

And Janie was like, No, I don't.

That's a good Janie.

I didn't like that at all.

No, I don't.

I sort of decided to make it an impression as I was talking.

I would do it better if I really focused.

Just try again.

No, don't.

I don't want to hear this.

She has a great accent.

Let's do Paul.

Was that him earning his Bitcoin?

My Bitcoin.

I've heard the accepted impression of me.

It's very strange.

The

accepted impression.

You know, I'd be curious to hear that.

Yeah.

Everybody who does it sounds the same.

And I'm like, I guess that's what I said.

Well, it's only when you're yelling.

It's so interesting.

That's the thing.

You have a hard voice.

They seize on a specific thing.

Yeah, yeah.

From your standpoint, too.

Fucking do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it might be what what you're doing right now.

I don't like this friend group.

I know.

I love this friend group.

I meant I was starting to understand how an impression could be done.

Yeah.

All right.

Sometimes I think there is no impression there because you're like, that's just how he is.

And then you're like, oh, if I really was an impressionist, I guess I'd really focus up and take something and pull it and extrapolate.

And go from there.

Okay.

Okay.

There's only one spot we have to convince you that we are the ones.

Otherwise, we're going to do that.

And I'm no, and I'm really huncore.

And you know what?

I'm going to say, why don't you assign to us what creatures we are by greeting us.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Opening the ark door.

Oh, I don't know that I want to go on this.

You're not Noah.

I thought Noah would be a bounce.

One second.

Oh, no.

I'll get him.

I thought Noah would be a bounce.

You'll get him?

I'll get him.

So, wait, is it the Ark bouncer or something?

Can I write down?

Noah's coming.

Can I write down just quickly your names and some information?

information?

I see, obviously,

what you are.

So you're floop.

You are a manatee with an extra long penis and five legs and a narwhalian horn.

And your name.

Gypsum.

Gypsum.

I see that you're an eel and you were sort of an eel.

What's it called?

Centaur combo.

Yes.

So it's like

a combination of a centaur, which is a combination already of a horse and a a man.

A horse's body.

That's right.

A man's torso and an eel's head.

That's right.

It's a mess.

All right.

I'll get Noah.

Thanks.

Just chill out here.

What's your name?

Are we going to, I mean, I'll see you on the arc.

My name's Amber Tamblin.

Amber Tamblin?

No relation.

To who?

Anyone.

I'm literally just, I can't.

You don't have anything.

I'm in a void.

I'm a fairy.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Actually, I won't be back.

Noah will be here.

Oh, okay.

So you won't see me me again.

If there's anything you want to say to me now, tell me.

Okay, I'm very tamplin.

It's a lot of info for someone.

I'm not going to say that.

Can I ask you

what if I made it worth your while to put in a good word for me?

How many Bitcoin?

6.8.

Oh, by the way, I saw you masturbate the other day.

Do you have any Bitcoin?

I saw you masturbate too.

Oh, shit.

Let's trade Bitcoin.

Why were we masturbating next to each other?

This is inappropriate.

And looking at each other while we did it.

Oh, low.

No way.

We were a team!

Oh, hey!

No way!

Two by two is what I typically do, but I only have room for one.

Oh, weird.

I did not plan this out with it.

Flaw in the ark?

It's a flaw in the ark.

Well, it's actually

a flaw in the ark.

It's a little extra annex I have.

I built in sort of as a window seat that I realized should be used by an

animal of some sort.

Okay, well, that's

not to use you to continue population unless we blend you with someone else or we.

Well, I have this extra long penis.

I do see that.

Yeah, so I'll be able to repopulate any kind of

thing just because of the length, you think that means that you can meet with anything?

No, I think that people will want to meet with me because they'll take a look at that and be like, oh, wow, that looks really good.

That's what I'm hoping.

So, you want to fuck a man, a person?

Sure.

If you're into it, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can seal the deal right now.

You can't get into this again.

Do you have a wife, Noah?

I do.

Noette.

She's cleaning right now.

There's always a lot of shit all over this place.

She's cleaning?

Yeah.

So typical gender stereotype?

Yep.

The typical gender stereotype is that I have lots of animals that I propagate together on my boat, and my wife cleans the shit that they excrete.

I mean, you built the ark, so your work is done.

Well,

that's what I like to say.

But when we get in bed at the end of the day, it's all equal because I give her the old what have you.

Well, if you'd like me to give her this

well okay that's i'll take that into consideration um nothing against my learned colleague here uh

but if you're looking to blend take a look at me i'm three things okay so i'm looking at the top now i feel like you got the worst one on top it is an eel's head here's what i like about it and i'll tell you what okay it's the lightest of all the possible heads that i could have had okay so i'm not I'm not carrying a lot of weight up there.

It's not even proportional to your body.

No, it's not like a gigantic, like a regular regular eel yeah on top of a human top of a human neck yeah and it's like tapered off and then you can see i'm ripped to like you have a great torso thank you thank you and then i think my bitcoin threatener would be really

because i will talk about what i saw when i drink off yeah and i also have a beautiful horse body i love that about you yeah yeah okay you can run real fast yes i think it's about what i can make out of you yes i think it's about how the future of the animals sort of survive and change but what i want to know is what are you bringing to the table talent-wise because we do a talent show once a week on the art well i mean it's 40 days and 40 nights right i mean so it's going to get boring unless you have so you have you have the whole week to prepare your talent and so we'll do four talent shows four talent shows

give or take and uh you'll have you'll have yeah a few days to repair we'll do a talent show a few days to repair do a talent show yeah and we're here 11 weeks is that right yeah yeah look what are you annoying you're kind of annoying me because i This is part of my talent.

Allow me.

This is...

You want to hear your talent?

Allow me to stamp it out on the floorboards here.

Okay, so you do a little bit of a...

Wow.

Wow.

That's me counting.

I love that.

How many was that?

Four.

You know what's amazing about that?

Yeah, right.

You have hands and you could count on your fingers, but yet you chose to stamp.

That's exactly right.

I can't, I don't really use my fingers because

my head is so tiny up there.

I can't really see that well.

And you have side eyes.

And I do have side eyes, so it's hard for me to see what I'm counting to.

Look, I got to say, this eel, his head is so small, he sleeps 23 hours of the day because his brain is so small, he can't even stay awake.

Only my head sleeps, but the rest of me is walking around like nothing.

So you remind him like a headless horseman situation.

Yeah, like an Ichabod crane kind of thing.

Headless horseman.

Right.

I'm a horsewoman.

I've never realized that it's a good thing.

You don't have a head.

What about the headless horsewoman?

Well, I mean, he's a horse.

When do we finally get one?

But I'd love to hear about that.

You know, can you make a horsewoman?

I bet I could.

Can you make a woman horse?

What would you

do with this?

Here's a question for you.

This is a little bit of a test.

Okay.

If I wanted you to make a horsewoman, what would you have sex with?

So you want essentially like a centaur.

A horse.

You want a centaur lady, right?

Okay.

Is that what you're saying?

Do you have any horse women?

You don't, but I would need a head of a woman.

The question is mine.

I would, no, I would have sex with a horse first, and then their daughter, our daughter, daughter, then it would, would have sex with a man.

Okay, this is like

it's a couple of generations.

Here's how I would do it.

Here's how I would do it.

I'm already half person, half horse.

Right.

Well, third person, third horse.

Well, you know, and all

more, honestly.

And then, thank you.

I took that as a compliment.

You know what?

I wish you were my friend group.

I like how you talk to me.

I like you.

I really, I don't want to be on this boat without you.

I don't either.

Could we get a trench coat?

I think you're ugly.

I don't know that.

Here's how a trench coat snow.

Here's how I make a horse wound.

Here's how I make a horse wound.

I'm already,

I got human, I got horse.

I put a bag over my head.

Finally.

I tie it real tight.

None of that gets in there.

It's so far up there.

It's like your amputee curve.

I seal it off.

Well, I mean, that's just for me, but it also prevents any eel from getting in there.

Eel's the smallest part.

That's faster than your plan.

I'm just worried you're going to have like a now four,

like if he has sex with anything else that's not a horse, a man, or an eel, then suddenly you have a thing with four different things inside of it.

This is just like

then you have to build another army stick and five arms or five legs.

Yeah.

Which is kind of disgusting.

You kind of look like one of those, like one of Sid's toys from Toy Story.

Yeah.

I don't know what that is.

Just, you know, you've been mushed together in a really nasty way.

Can I be honest?

I didn't know either, but I just acted like I did.

I feel like you would have known that.

Look, I'm all manatee.

I'm all manatee with legs.

Okay?

And so I'm a pure blood.

So you have the flippers and legs.

The legs actually make it so you're not, just so you know.

They're not human legs.

They're manatee legs.

They're not right.

They're not right?

They looked illicit.

Oh, who's the racist now, Noah?

I don't think that you belong on this boat.

I don't think you belong on this boat, Noah.

Am I being kicked out of my own boat?

You're

canceled from this this ark.

And

this person, Gypsum and Floop are going to be driving this boat.

Get off the ark, Noah.

Get off the ark, Noah.

Get off the ark.

Mr.

Noah, get off this ark.

And now you're taking both of my spots.

So one of you is going to lay in with my wife every night?

Yeah.

One of us?

Both of us, baby.

The end.

What a great three-char.

What a great three terra.

Thank you so much to Rosalie.

Guys, we have to go.

Yeah, we really do.

This was a fun fun episode.

Fun app.

Coming back to.

Follow us on social media.

We're at ThreedomUSA on both Instagram and Twitter.

Threedomusa at gmail.com if you'd like to write to us or

send us three chers or you can call us at ha ha hao poo,

I think.

And then if you want to hear ad-free episodes of this, you can hear them on Stitcher Premium and also cbbworld.com.

And

we're re-realizing that we have re-released episodes.

We're doing this on, and by the way, let's workshop a name here because we're doing it on Tuesdays.

We're releasing threes on twos?

Threesies, twosies?

Threes on the twos.

Threes on the twos.

Three visions.

Three visiting.

Three ghosts, Christmas Carol.

Three ghosts, Christmas Carol.

Yeah, okay.

But we're re-releasing all of our old episodes once a week on Tuesdays, the threes on the twos.

I like three visits.

Three visits.

Three visiting.

Yeah, three visiting.

Three visits.

Three visiting on the twos.

Twos on the threes.

Twos on the threes.

Threes on the twos.

Okay, this all makes sense.

All right.

See you next time.

And if you want to hear out for the episodes, head to stitcherpremium and cbbworld.com.

We love you.

We love you.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks.

Bye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Eva Dubernet, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

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