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Freedom!

Freedom!

Wow, eye contact, direct eye contact.

It is scary.

Freedom!

It's scary and it's not necessary, and I do wish I didn't ask for it.

Yeah, but you asked for it.

It's scary.

I did.

So scary and unnecessary.

It's scary.

So scary and unnecessary.

How does everyone's tummy feel?

I feel good.

Let's catch the listeners up because it's been a week since they previously a freedom.

Let's get shack, shake, shack.

Shake shack.

We all get shake shack.

This is Scott, Lauren, and Paul.

We all got Shake Shack.

And I'm Paul.

In between a consistent.

And I'm Lauren.

We all got Shake Shack.

We all ate Shake Shack.

We didn't just receive it and then say, let's just record and then we'll eat it afterwards.

A lot of times we'll order food and we'll throw it away.

Yeah.

Just as a flex.

But listen, if you don't know what Shake Shack is, it's a restaurant.

Yeah.

A fancy restaurant.

Yes, it's fine dining.

That's all Shacks are.

I think of it as healthy.

Because they have like better seats than Burger King or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I didn't make it at home, it's healthy.

No, honestly, if the seats are so important to your health, because if you're sitting there in Burger King and you're constantly squirming, you're like, oh, my butts are so bad.

Ouch,

supported etc etc you can just relax at Shake Shack and know that your butt is going to be

treated right yeah that the Burger King chairs are so uncomfortable because he when they want to remind you that you're not the king you're a peasant you're a peasant you're a burger peasant I think that's you're in the burger kingdom sure well I think when people think of Burger King the one thing they think is the seats are not comfortable and that

makes sense so they used to try to make it like have it your way like they they tried that to catch on and it was like no guys then it was like seats are uncomfortable or third best and then it was like our uh seats were uncomfortable and that that really took yeah

yeah

so anyway we all had shake shack doom doom doom doom shape we had shake shack

let us born in a barn

have you heard born in the barn and have you heard

jesus christ is mighty bird

one of the best birds in history one of the best birds.

That's how he flew up to heaven.

He actually was a bird, and everyone's just like, Does your hat have a hot dog on it this whole fucking time?

Not a hot dog.

It's a cheesesteak.

It's a Philadelphia cheesesteak.

I can't even see it.

And you could order this hat with onions or without onions.

And I order it with onions because that's how I like it.

My pants have a hot dog on them.

Ew,

HR.

Puff itself.

Being molested.

My ears are being molested.

So we all ordered Shake Shack.

Let's run down our orders again, Lord.

Chicken bites, six piece fries, crinkle cut.

Like you're a prisoner of war.

That's it.

Chicken bites, six piece, crinkle cut.

I had the chicken sandwich and the buffalo fries.

I had the aforementioned hot dog.

The only person to get it.

That's right.

They did not send mustard with it.

So it was a little disappointing.

Why did you look for mustard in the kitchenette?

No, I didn't think to look for mustard.

You're a fool.

I don't consider offices.

You have a fool for a client.

Yeah.

I don't consider offices to be mustard rich environments well they're kidding

plain hot dog so it was a plain hot dog well that's why i like it oh really i'm a freak like this you like just plain hot dog yeah no bun just right out of the water like the bun you like the bun i don't like the right out of the water

where it grows what about butter um

butter um you know it's actually been it's a recent introduction my parents were visiting and my mom put some butter on the thing and i was like what are we a carnival i really thought it was like next level

on the bun to kind of like add like

that before you before

to toast it or not to toast it, but yeah, that's what when I was young, that was like that's what my parents were.

Now we're putting butter on this

and then not to toast it, but just as a condiment.

Just as a condiment, yeah.

I've never heard of this.

It was good, I will say, but I could feel myself getting fatter.

Yeah.

Your clothes started to rip

like Lou Farigno.

My dad used to put butter.

I would turn it off, by the way, the minute his clothes would start to rip.

Oh, no.

Anything interesting happened?

It's wasteful.

Yeah, exactly.

That show, Lou Ferrigno, I just like to see that one guy get mad

and then go to another town.

I realize now I have it backwards.

By the way, Lou Frigno is in that in the offer, yeah, he's in the offer, yeah.

He looks, he's what is he 70 years old?

He looks exactly like Lou Farigno, he has not aged.

It's really used to be a comic-con uh like at Midtown Comics or whatever, and he'd be signing stuff and so, and you just kind of pass by and go, it's Lou Farigno.

And he would say, I heard that, and you'd go, I knew it,

Lauren, do you get any of this?

he's deaf.

There you go.

So my dad used to put butter on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Oh, no.

That's so many layers of

gloop.

He also used to eat liverworst.

He's

called Madman.

Well, right now, he eats six feet under.

So nothing.

I love that show.

Right now he's busy pushing up the daisies.

But yeah, butter on a hot dog.

Two bits.

Two bits, of course.

Yeah.

Butter on a hot dog.

I had the hot dog and I had a smoke shack.

Butter on a hot dog.

I had a smoked shack and I had crinkle cut fries.

And then

what happened?

And then

we all separately went to the bathroom.

I haven't gone yet.

So you went to the bathroom.

So you're clutching your side.

You're clutching your son.

You look like you had to violate me.

I feel good.

I like doing this.

That was a coincidence, but my stomach doesn't feel perfect.

I'll say, it doesn't feel, it's not just like chilling how it was before we ate the food.

It hasn't hit me yet, but I also eat very fast.

So

the food has not yet reached my guts.

So if you eat super fast,

it slows down right at the bottom of my.

Is that your theory?

Yes.

My theory is...

Super fast.

My theory is.

So the food will slow down as it goes down.

The food doesn't know where to go yet.

It got there all at once.

Say, hey, where are we?

All right, let's wait.

We're at the whole sandwich and we're already all here.

That doesn't usually happen to us.

Oh, my gosh.

So, Shake Shack, if you're listening, why don't you sponsor us?

Because we've talked about you.

If you're listening, here's a deal.

Shake Shack, if you're away.

No, I was doing the former president.

Remember?

Russia, if you're listening?

Russia, if you're listening, yeah.

Who is that?

I don't, you know.

Yeah, that guy.

One of our former presidents.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that guy.

Shake Shack if you're listening.

So you only do president impersonations now yeah that's all i do you're just a you're the new rich little

yes i remember seeing him when i was a kid i saw him on some special it was like a fourth of july thing and he did impressions of all these presidents like going back

I think even before, like whoever we had recordings of.

Right.

But it's like, no one knows what Warren, what

Calvin Coolidge.

Nobody knows what he sounds like.

I'll take your word for it, Rich Little.

An impression of someone you've never seen.

He did like Truman.

Like, okay, sure.

Well, like, we do Lincoln.

Who do we know?

Lincoln Lincoln, I've been thinking.

But that's debatable, isn't it?

Who's the first guy that we know for sure that everyone could go, like, oh, yeah.

Is it FDR?

FDR.

Yeah.

What did he do?

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

And so you got to sound really far away and static.

We were doing very different voices.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Shit, I gotta take a shit.

I'm trying to stand up.

Like it's bro off of the movie.

I forgot and I tried to stand up.

Aw.

I broke my foot.

I broke my foot.

But wait, who was after FDR?

You had a broken foot.

That's why he was in that wheelchair.

Yeah.

Don't make sense.

For so long.

Yes, who was after FDR?

I can't do this.

I memorized it all the way back to 1900, and then I've totally forgotten it.

Let's hear it.

Well, okay.

So you got,

you know, the dude who's in there now, Brandon.

I'm just kidding.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

You have Joseph Robinette Biden.

45.

And then you have

Obama.

And before that is George W.

Bush.

And before that is Clinton.

And before that is George World H.W.W.

Bush.

And before that is Reagan.

And before that is Carter.

And before that is

Ford.

And then before that is Nixon.

Before that was LBJ.

Before that was John F.

Kennedy.

Let him do it.

We're doing the same thing.

Yeah, I need this.

I need Paul to help.

Please, Paul.

I need this.

Before that was Dwight David Eisenhower.

Right.

Before that was Harry S.

Truman.

Oh, yeah.

Before that was Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Okay, so then we're back to

Hoover Hoover.

Because he hoovered up all the money, and that's why, yeah, that's how

I was doing it like with little tricks in my mind.

I want to say before that was Coolidge, and then before that was Wilson, but I'm not sure.

I'm not sure of the order of those guys.

Coolidge was,

I remember there was like two double letters around Coolidge, and that's how I would remember it or something like that.

But yeah, Coolidge was like.

H H and WW.

Yeah.

So Coolidge was.

He's in the middle?

Coolidge, but he's got much back.

And he was.

He was like 1908 or something like that through 16 or something.

I thought you were going to say he was 19 years old.

He was 19 years old.

He was just 17.

And you know what I mean.

Well, I know what you mean.

Cutest president.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Everything's

the new Twilight Zone episode about the kid president.

No.

No.

What?

Twilight Zone?

Don't watch it.

Did you see the one I was in?

No.

What were you in?

Kid President.

I was in.

Yeah, I was the kid president.

Oh, you were so adorable.

No, they put a filter on me.

I was in one.

Tawny Newsome and I were in the same episode with Journey Smollett.

Oh, Tony Newsome.

I thought you said Tommy Newsome, and I was like, Tommy Newsome from the Tonight Show band?

That has been probably dead for many decades.

He might be alive.

Yeah, we have no idea.

Yeah, it was about, and Journey Smollette was somebody who

she had this,

she wanted to be a singer, and so somehow,

et cetera.

Yeah, and so on.

Joe Ray Bullshit did something like that.

Yes.

And

the thing was,

people, she wanted to be like famous.

She wanted to be like, have everybody love her.

So then what happened is people were just like cheering and clapping for her wherever she went.

And it wasn't about the music anymore.

It was just about the feeling of being loved.

And she hates.

What do we feel with this podcast?

Tom Lennon was in that episode?

Really?

Tom Lennon was the host of like a singing competition that she wins.

Then I was a talk show host.

She goes on the talk show, and everybody's clapping so much that she runs out in a fright.

Oh, and what did you do?

I clapped.

I was under the spell of the Twilight Zone.

Yes.

Okay, that's really, that's really freaky stuff.

It's freaky fucking stuff.

It felt freaky at the time because COVID was happening.

Oh.

As it still is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it was like it is now.

By the way, we're still in.

I want to be the last person to ever get COVID.

Like it ends with me.

Oh, that would be great.

Like, I just put a period at the end of this sentence.

And it'll be like, you'll be reported on the news, like, in Children of Men.

Yeah.

The last guy to ever get Claire

to not get COVID has gotten COVID.

It's over.

No, no, I'm meaning no one ever gets it after me.

Yeah, that's why I said it's over, man.

Oh, I see.

That's why I said it's over, man.

I was saying I didn't want to be the last person to ever get COVID.

No, you wanted to be the last person to ever.

Yeah, there can be other people out there who've never gotten COVID.

The only way that's going to happen is you are the very last person to get it.

You're probably right.

I know I'm right.

You're probably right.

That's all I'm saying.

Do you think if you were the last person to get it and then that was it, the animals would like take over and stuff?

i think they would bow down to me it'd be like that movie 13 monkeys all creatures great and small would come to me and bow before their master like which one would you want to do it first which one would i want to have bow to me first probably elk why the elk because those horns and everything it'd be so funny it'd be like check those not an elephant this huge creature bowing to you he's got to be in the back so we could he's going to block everyone he's going to block the field mice and everything if he's in the front

they're fucked anyway

I can see for the elk.

Come on.

Okay, I want the.

Scott, you're kidding yourself.

I want the ants and the mosquitoes and the gnats first.

Oh, so size order.

Yeah.

Smallest to tallest.

Smallest to tallest.

Thank you.

Do they all bow at the same time?

They all arrange themselves at

like a wave.

It's, you know, how anytime you see, like, you're on Broadway and everyone's bowing at the same time.

It always happens in the middle and then like goes out.

That's got respect.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

I do know that.

Yeah.

So that's what I want, Lauren.

Give it to me.

Well, I guess we can see what happens.

I won't.

Give it to me, Lauren.

Well, I'll be here.

I'm not going to be dead.

I'll be here.

I'll just.

No, you'll be dead in this scenario.

Wait, what?

But I already had COVID.

You're saying the animals are not going to bow to you until all the humans are dead or just Lauren?

Just Lauren.

Lauren.

They're like, have you killed Lauren?

Because I'm not bound to you, dude.

And if you got to chop my head off, okay.

Hey, Lauren, if you grew up on a farm.

Yeah.

And you had to like kill chickens.

We had different approaches.

How would you, would you, like, you know, if you had to kill chickens to eat and all that, would you be cool with that?

If I grew up on a farm, I'm going to go ahead and guess that, yeah, I would be.

Yeah.

Because it would be ingrained in me from a young age that's perfectly fine.

You'd be a killer from the family.

I always remember hearing a story about my great-grandma chopping off a chicken's neck and it would run around.

You know,

they'd go to

the chicken.

They'd go pick out the chicken

at the place,

bring it home, and give it a slap.

Give it a slap first across the neck.

An act slap.

Old knife of sorts.

Let me

and then eat the chicken.

You sound like a grandmother right now.

Hey, I feel like one right now.

Damn, I feel like a grandmother.

Can I tell you that that song is very funny to me?

It is funny, but did we already talk about this?

I think we did.

Yeah, we did.

On this show.

Can I tell you what this is?

It's very showful.

Yeah, please, please.

I wasn't even thinking thinking about it, and so we spoke about it.

I have an abrupt change of subject.

Is this Paul's Topics?

No, what was my thing?

Was it called Paul's Topics?

Oh, did you have one?

I had one.

It didn't take off like Lauren's Topics.

It didn't take off.

No one cares.

Let's do it during Lauren's Topics.

It's not news, though.

It's Paul's news.

You know what?

This is a what'd you think?

Okay.

This is Paul's.

What'd you think?

And you're going to take our temperature on what we thought about whatever

your thing is that you announced during the What'd You did you think?

Yeah.

Okay.

What'd you think about curtain calls?

Because recently, a friend of mine, we were having dinner and he went to see a play.

And before he went to see the play, a friend of his said,

Aren't curtain calls weird?

Like when you actually look at it, isn't it a strange thing that the play is over and then the people come back out?

And I was like, I get that.

They should do it in movies.

Brad Bitt and Sandra Bullock and Tam Jam just bow.

Why do they want to do it?

Why the crap is weird?

Well, that's the thing.

I don't think it's weird.

Yeah.

Like, I like it as the tradition of the theater.

I think an audience would be stymied and would feel unsatisfied having not being able to thank these people alive.

I think that we're so used to it that it would be very strange if it wasn't there.

Yeah.

But this person's point was, if the thing is over,

why do you go through this whole rigmroll or whatever?

I will say this, though, that the individual curtain calls, I think, don't need to happen.

Meaning everyone coming out separately?

Everybody coming out separately.

Somebody gets more applause than somebody else.

I think it's okay.

I think it's nice to get to clap for the people and have them feel that energy.

I do too.

And I think if when they come out one by one, that's also nice because they get that moment, that excitement applies.

But it tends to be a complicated thing.

But I don't like how it builds, like, oh, the person with the least part comes out first.

Well, you know what?

But you always know who is going to get the most applause what what i used to hate they know that yeah so then take it away from them yeah seeing shows at the or just have that one person come out but it's also it's a collaborative uh scott we'll get to you in a second it's also a collaborative art form so i think everybody should bow at the same time yeah i do think

to me like the idea of you're seeing these people do this in front of you they've worked on it for a long time and they're actually there that i think that's a great moment to have the curtain call between you know the performers and the audience what if we did a curtain call after these?

We have been, and nobody knows.

I always bow after every podcast I do.

I click leave the Zoom, and then I bow

to your computer.

Well, when I used to see shows at the La Marada Playhouse, they would always, to get people to come to them, because La Marada, California is not like a cultural basketball.

You never go there.

To get people to go to them, they would cast like one famous person.

And I remember seeing Ted Lange as

Isaac your bartender.

Yes, as the drill instructor in Biloxi Blues, Neil Simon's play that Matthew Broderick did.

Did he do the play or the movie?

He did the movie too.

Okay, so.

Wait, did he?

I don't think so.

I think he was replaced for that one and then came back.

Yeah, yeah, I think Silverman did it.

The single guy.

Silverman from Griffith Girls.

Good girls.

Yeah.

Little partner in crime.

So

the issue for me is when Ted Longe, who has

a showy part, but a supporting role.

These kids, and especially the guy playing Matthew Broderick's role,

are the backbone of this show.

But then Ted Longe, because he's the biggest star.

Is that the pronunciation?

Maybe Ted Loud.

Ted Lange.

Ted Lange.

L-A-N-G-E.

He gets the last bow

and he gets the most applause.

And it's all because of fame?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

And I saw it and I was like, Ted Lange, I don't respect you anymore.

Because if I was Ted Lange,

I would be saying,

let these kids have the bow.

Yes.

I'm going to go first.

Yes.

The first of us

shall be last.

Yes.

And let the applause peter out.

Yes.

And then I still win.

Yeah, because they wouldn't cheer louder.

I think it's insulting to.

If someone were to say to me, if I were in Ted Launch's place, and I sincerely hope I am, someday, I would refuse it, definitely.

Refuse it.

Would you refuse it?

So noble.

So noble.

Would I refuse it?

Would I refuse getting a ton of applause for work that I put in?

But

more than, like, you've only shown up for an hour a day, and meanwhile, this kid is there eight hours a day.

I would then motion to the kid and I would say, cheer louder for him.

That's a way to do it, actually.

If you're like, okay, I know I'm the most famous and I'm getting the final bow, but I'm going to bring him up and go, like, no, no, no.

How about him?

But how about him?

I would, okay, here's what I would do, and it would make me look great.

Yeah.

I would come out at the end, of course, because they expect me to.

They expect you to.

You can't throw off their dark.

When you're a Ted Lange,

I would, of course.

Yes, I do the point from the love boat.

Yes.

When you're a Ted Lange, you're going to have to come out last or else.

People will be very disappointed.

Yes.

So let's get that out of the way.

So I'm Ted Lange.

I'm Ted Lange.

And I will, when I applaud, I'll act surprised.

And then I'll cross my hands.

What about rubbing your eyes at the beginning?

I will absolutely rub my eyes.

Like, can this really be happening?

Then

I will start shaking my hand.

No, no, no, no, no.

no, no, no, you do the

Kembe.

Of course I will.

And wag your finger at them and say no.

And the whole audience, and then I'll point to you.

Individually.

Individually.

Individually.

I make sure I make eye contact with every single person in the audience.

I wag my finger

style.

And then

when I hit every single person, I point to the kid and I go, and I start like,

by that, everyone has left, by the way.

Are you kidding me?

Everyone knows, they're onto it.

They're like, oh my, he's going to make eye contact with me.

But do it.

Zekembe don't you?

They're glued to their seats but the first person you do it to is probably gonna be a little bored in the middle the first person no they're gonna be looking around to see like who's he doing it to now okay because i'm not gonna do it in order row by row i'm gonna do it like randomly but in an order that you've memorized i i will

i mean i have a pretty good memory for these things i'm tedlong

and uh i will give everybody the the kembe um and uh and then clap at the at your coach at the kid i'll like gesture towards him like you should be clapping for him then i'll get mad I'll act like I'm getting mad.

Like, come on.

So I work.

I like give them this animation sign.

Get up there, get up on your feet.

And then when they're clapping for him, I'll

grab at my heart like something's not quite right.

And then I'll topple to the ground.

I'll start to walk off, but just before I get to the wings, I fall down.

Oh.

And then what?

Everyone walks out.

of the theater while you're so late.

I have them close the curtain

and it bangs on your head a couple of times and then they dignify it.

And then they pull you back.

That's embarrassing.

And then do they ever say he's not really dead or he's okay?

No, they make the audience wait for news.

It never comes.

So they're there checking the papers every single day saying, is Ted Lange dead?

Is Ted Lange dead?

And I do it every single night.

I do it every lunch.

My name is Ted Lange.

Yeah.

And that's Jewish Jen.

You're not you.

Ted Lange, you've been pooing.

If I were me, I would just take the applause.

There you have it.

Now, Lauren, do you know who Ted Lange is?

Have you ever seen a love book?

I did not.

No, no, I did not.

You've never seen a love book?

I've seen, you know, like enough to know that the little pictures corporate are exciting and new.

Yeah, I'm going to Google who he is.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

Ted love.

Life's

sweetest reward.

It's an open source.

It's an open source.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be making another

road.

I'm sorry.

Am I following the right name?

I don't know.

All I see is funeral stuff and funeral operation.

I don't see the love boat or anything.

Have you looked up?

Teddy funerals in my area?

I googled T-D-L-O-N-G-E.

What?

Okay, how do you spell it?

L-A-N-G-E.

Oh, I Googled L-O-N-G.

Long Ted.

Now I see.

Now I see.

Well, the other guy died, and it was all that there was about that person was their obituary and a video of the funeral.

Okay.

Oh, video.

Wow.

Let's watch the entire funeral.

I know.

Is Ted Launch still with us?

Yes, he is.

You've been put on blast, Ted Launch.

Find them freedom boys.

Answer for your behaviors.

I feel it's so odd how the internet just has these little pockets for people, and that's just like that one guy just has that.

Internet pockets.

That's where he goes goes in his pocket.

What was his name again?

Ted Launch.

Ted Launch.

L-O-N-G?

Yeah.

Now, what about Ted?

Wait.

L-O-N-G-E.

I was thinking you Ted Lang, but that's the guy we've been talking about.

Ted Launch.

Is that how you actually say it?

I have no idea.

Can you look a pronunciation of Ted Launch?

I'm just realizing that the Love Boat theme was an entire song with a chorus and a bridge.

And several verses.

Yes.

Yeah.

God, the show must have been, what, 40 minutes long?

Yeah, but you would be so so disappointed when you didn't hear,

and you would never not hear it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

What do we got in pronunciation?

Not finding a lot on that front, but I'm going to find it.

Is there like a YouTube video that says pronunciation of Ted Lange?

Ted Lange.

Ted.

Lange.

Lange.

Lange.

Flange.

Longie.

Longie.

That would be, what a reveal that would be if his name was pronounced longie.

We would have to go back and re-record this entire episode.

It's pronounced like Flange.

Lange.

Yeah, Lange.

No, not Lange.

Ted Lange.

You don't say Flange.

I say Flange.

I'll say Flange.

Well, Ted Lange,

if you're out there, look, we apologize, but at the same time, you deserved it.

So you got that coming.

But you and Paige Davis, come by the show sometime.

Are you inviting Ted?

Okay, so what's the order?

It's Paige Davis first.

Look, I'll invite Ted Launch to the show as long as he doesn't take the last bow.

Hold on.

There was somebody else that we said if Paige did it, then we would have this person on.

And I don't have Mary Holland.

No, we will.

Guys,

we're never having Mary Holland on.

That's his

show.

It must not have been, though.

It was somebody else.

Because

we pledged and vowed.

If only we had some sort of like producer who ever listened to the show instead of whatever he's doing now.

Like a chevin.

He's yawning.

Literally yawning.

Okay, it was for a bit.

Hey, man.

I don't blame you.

It was for a bit.

It was for a bit.

Okay, Ted Launch, we need to take a break.

Hey, Ted, we need to take a break.

Ted Flange.

Flange.

We're going to be back, and then we're going to put someone else on blast, and I'm looking at him right now.

Oh, fuck.

That's right.

How dare he?

This Judas comes back into our sights.

Yeah, we'll tell you who we're talking about.

Oh, I think you've guessed it if you're a real listener.

Yeah, okay, we'll be right back.

It's back to

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Guys, we're back and yeah, we're looking at this treacherous fellow, this snake, this snake in the draft studio, this traitor who left us.

And when he

said, and I quote, I'm leaving the show.

Goodbye forever.

You all suck.

If I ever see you again, no, I didn't.

I'm paraphrasing.

He said, I'm leaving the show.

Goodbye forever.

You all suck.

Goodbye.

You're paraphrasing me?

Yes.

He actually got on stage and went,

Goodbye forever, and you all suck.

Goodbye forever.

He did a choreograph dance.

He put on an Elvis jumpsuit.

Yeah.

It was a leotard underneath.

It was really good.

Yeah, I mean, it was quality work.

A Roy Schneider, all that jazz leotard underneath.

Yeah.

It was good.

And I wasn't paying attention to what he was saying at first because I was like, this is a great number.

He did six costume changes.

It was a lot of effort just to be mean, which was interesting because I didn't take it for that calm.

He was drenched in sweat afterwards.

Then he did seven curtain calls.

Yeah.

Where he wanted louder applause each time for himself than he had before.

And we gave it to him.

Because what else could we do?

We're cowards.

anyway.

He's here in the booth right now, uh, next to Shevin.

Our real poking Kevin in the ribs and saying, Do it this way, do it that way.

This is what I do.

His name, if I recall, although I've tried hard to forget it, is Josh Josh.

Yeah.

He's here.

He's acting like a real innocent.

Yeah, he's shrugging, like, what else could I do?

He's like twisting a finger in his dimple, like, who me?

He's singing the good ship lollipop right now.

The good ship ship lollipop.

It's a sweet ship.

Do it.

It's a band shop where gumdrops play

on the door, yours of peppermint bay.

Guys, I've literally gotten 10 spam risk calls.

I think you should pick up.

I think it might be serious.

All right, here we go.

Hello.

Hello.

You remove homes?

We paint and change floors, change roofs.

Could you make my downstairs my upstairs?

Yes, sir.

I gotta say, I'm intrigued by this guy's business.

Yeah, interesting, interesting.

So he battened eye.

He can just switch floors on you.

He just launched right into his campaign.

Yeah, what we do is.

Hello, what we do is.

So it's interesting because he sounds like he has a legitimate business, but it comes up as spam risk.

Yeah, I wonder how they know.

Yeah.

Because to me, I was like, you should hire him.

And honestly, if you could flip the downstairs to the upstairs, that'd be a good idea.

Oh, my God.

I wouldn't have to walk up and downstairs anymore.

Well, you'd still have to do that to go

to those places that you go.

I didn't even think about that.

Yeah.

But going upstairs would now not be such a chore because you're going downstairs.

That's true.

Yeah.

Could they turn the stairs upside down?

Here's what you want to happen.

You want it so you're never going upstairs, so that the house can just keep switching.

Yeah.

And you're always just going downstairs.

Like Adam Corolla's garage where it's just like cars keeping.

What?

How do you know this, and why is that?

And what is it?

Adam Carolla's garage.

I tried to kill myself at his garage.

Carbon dioxide poisoning.

Adam Carola's garage.

Is he one of those guys that has a bunch of cars?

I think so.

I think he has like a, as Rodney Daederfeld said, he's got a warehouse.

Wow.

Rodney, going too soon.

That's really.

That's from.

You do need to get a room.

You do need to get a warehouse.

Oh, I thought it was his car.

Who was that from?

Meet Wally Wally Sparks.

Not sure.

Meet Wally Sparks.

What the fuck was that?

That's a movie he did.

I think you mean Meet Joe Black.

Sorry, I'm thinking of Brad Pitt.

Was the dad in that?

I'm thinking of Brad Pitt.

He gets hit by a car 80 times.

Yeah.

Wait, Meet Wally Sparks?

I remember that title.

What was it?

What happened?

Well, we should watch it and live stream in its entirety.

Yeah.

Hey, everybody, go rent Meet Wally Sparks.

We're going to do a watch-along.

We're going to talk about it right now.

If you have to go to like some Russian pirate bay it was a 1997 american comedy film directed by peter baldwin

who's that does that tell you everything you need to know oh burt reynolds was in it oh boy as well as debbie mazar michael debbie mazar follow her on instagram and her life seems fascinating and interesting and full why what'd she do she lives in italy most of the time but she also still lives in new york she um she has italian citizenship she

is best friends with madonna and she has like an amazing life and her like she has a a beautiful family.

Wow.

Completely impressed by her.

Good for her.

And she's a fun follow on Instagram because she posts a lot of like throwbacks, but also current pictures.

I mean, she really figured it out.

Move to Italy and be friends with Madonna.

Yeah.

Family is everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you could be friends with Madonna, would you?

Me?

Yeah.

I don't like, and that would mean she was equally interested.

Yeah.

Like, and we maybe had fun together and stuff.

Well, I'm not saying that you'd have fun together because I'm just saying the opportunity.

But it might not be fun.

Yeah.

I would probably try it, but I think I would know right off the bat that it wasn't a match.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm not, I wouldn't close the door because you just never know.

You know, what about you guys?

Would you be best friends with her?

Or like what?

I don't think so.

Yeah.

I think we're a good match, you and I.

Yeah.

To be pals.

Yeah, I think that she'd be equally interested in all my podcasts.

Yeah.

Like equally uninterested.

Yeah, as uninterested as I am in her music.

Yeah, there you go.

Oh, equally.

I see.

Yeah, and then you just talk about pee people.

People, pee, pee, people.

Pee, pee, pee, pee people.

Pee, people.

Pee pee people.

Pee ti pee people.

You know, she never changed a diaper.

What?

That always sounded weird to me.

Yeah, that was the nannies who just did it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, we're talking about her own.

No, she is her own diaper.

No, she just goes to the toilet.

She goes to the diaper.

I never changed my own diaper because I never wore one.

It's a redel.

I know this came up earlier, on an earlier episode, but I went to the Earwolf toilet over here and it says, you know, don't flush down sanitary water.

Yeah, we talked about that before.

But then it says, don't flush down toilet paper.

What?

It says, don't...

don't flush toilet paper.

Put it in the bin next to the toilet.

It does not

do that.

And I looked in the.

Paul's going to check.

Take a picture while you're.

I will.

It will certainly last longer.

Because why would it say that's so?

It says, don't flush toilet paper.

And so I looked in the bin next to the toilet thinking it it was just going to have like a ton of shitty toilet paper in there.

But no one's following that rules.

No one's following the rules.

Because that's disgusting.

It is disgusting.

Nobody wants to empty that garbage, first of all.

Paul's gone.

Okay, now that he's gone.

Oh, shit.

He's back.

What does it say?

Okay, this is really weird.

Scott was right.

Ha!

That is weird.

Attention, please do not flush.

Well, first of all, three exclamation points

for three exclamation points.

Shut that door, bro.

Oh, sorry.

Give me that soundproof.

Taskmaster.

master.

Primary.

Shit.

Yes, primary.

Talk into the mic while you're doing whatever you're doing.

Okay, man.

He's never done a goddamn podcast.

Just walk back in the room, shut the door, do this, do that.

You're the one that goddamn podcast.

You're the one.

You're the one.

Three exclamation points.

Attention, space, three exclamation points.

Please do not flush many explanation, exclamation points.

Yeah.

Feminine products, comma.

Toilet paper, comma.

Trash or disposable wipes, please use.

Have you ever not flushed your toilet paper?

Kevin, have you ever heard the like of this?

Is this a new rule?

It's mad.

New rules.

So you don't flush your toilet paper?

Don't flush your toilet paper?

I think I should start with that over tampons because it's actually, we're used to seeing signs that say don't flush your tampons.

Yeah, lead with.

Guys, you can't even flush toilet paper.

Yeah, I would say put the poop in the sink.

Yeah.

Put the poop in the sink.

Put the poop in the sink.

I was in the poop in the sink.

I was in the london, and I was staying in a bed and breakfast, which, of course,

the worst.

Yeah.

And

the toilet, in the toilet, there was a sign, you were not supposed to flush toilet paper.

You had to put it in this little trash can next to you.

And it was, frankly, those ghosts.

Oh, god, I cannot

imagine vile.

It was horrible.

I mean, it was not my job to clean it out, but I didn't like the whole thing.

But it's your job to open it up and it's my job to make it dirty,

yeah, and add to it.

God, I would just never.

I mean, I know.

You were hired to add to it.

I was hired at, I was hired to add to it.

They must have needed money, but there's I made 2,000 pounds of poop.

Whoa, yep,

you would make 2,000 pounds.

I was not eating

Just to poop in.

So stupid.

So stupid.

I'm starting to think that eating greasy fries and chicken isn't really good for you because my energy, my eyes are going, bro.

Expand on that.

I don't know.

It's like I'm just thinking.

Turning fully away from the table.

La la la la.

I'm going to take a nap.

What happens if we don't look at each other at all?

Yeah.

For a while.

I'd like that.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

We're all turning on.

Let's see how it feels.

What is called a bat in improv where the lights are out and we don't see each other?

Why is it called a bat?

Because bats like the dark?

I would assume so.

Bats don't like the dark.

They're just able to deal with it.

Bats don't like the dark.

Bats don't like the dark.

Well, then why do they come out during the day, asshole?

They do come out during the day.

No, they don't.

And they take a look and they go, hmm, nah.

They're not.

So they don't like the day or the night?

They hate both.

They hate being alive.

They're suicidal.

They don't like the day or the night.

This doesn't really

look different.

No, no, I don't like it.

I got to look at everything.

I like Zoom.

I got a Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.

Come on, give it a try.

We're going to teach you to fly high.

Come on, and Zoom.

Come on and Zoom, Zoom.

The reason

is the reason.

That makes fetus.

Everything that happens is the fetus.

Boy, can we talk about Wordle?

Yeah.

Let's talk about it.

Well, it needs to be a different thing.

Now, this happened several weeks ago, and we're just getting to it.

Yeah, this is Cold Off the Presses.

Okay,

this is our segment.

Cold Off the Presses.

Cold Off the Presses.

So approximately four weeks ago,

Wordle came out and their word,

and this happened.

No, but this wasn't, it wasn't the word I got.

No, because they had switched it by the time that we did our Wordle.

But

the word they used for their Wordle was fetus.

The word is?

On Mother's Day.

And everyone.

Was it on Mother's Day?

Which is really

very rude.

Really rude.

Should have been fetal.

Should have been fetal, or it should have been.

Should have been mamma.

Mama with two M's in the middle.

M-O-M-M-A.

M-M-A is what it should have been.

Makes martial arts a mom.

Yes.

It should have been

anything.

Anything but the word fetus on

Mother's Day.

F-O-E-T-U-S.

Fetus.

We absolutely do.

On Mother's Day, do you want to be thinking about

your kids as fetuses?

No.

You want to be like proud that they're not going to be afraid.

No one wants to do that wordle.

No one wants to do that.

No one wants to find that word.

You want it to be a neutral word.

Shame, Wordle, shame.

Shame wordle.

Or more like shame or shine or shame.

Mr.

Birdle or whatever his name is who created it.

Josh Wardle.

Josh Birdle.

Mr.

Wardle.

You should stand down to ashamed of yourself?

Ashamed.

Or start painting through a picture.

I would really love it if he were to

if he were to contribute.

If he were to donate everything he's made off of Wordle to charity because of a fetus.

To a fetus.

He should donate to a fetus.

To one particular fetus.

It should be like a Charlie's Chocolate Factory thing.

You know, money.

Where it's like one lucky fetus gets a game Wordles.

And gets to come to his Wordle factory.

This is just his office, his home office.

Hey, Scott, what's going on?

What's up?

What's wrong?

Well, you just didn't know the song.

You felt sad.

I didn't know what song you guys were doing.

Billy Bragg?

Must I paint you a picture?

I didn't know that song.

I felt sad.

I felt left out and I felt like, gosh,

what if I never hear another song again?

Wow.

What a jump.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Well, I didn't hear that one.

Maybe I'll never hear another one.

Hey, I got got another quote off the presses, R.E.

Wordle.

Okay.

Yeah.

The word today, as of this recording, was.

Did you do it already?

Did you do it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, I did.

You didn't get it.

I didn't get it.

I did not get the word today.

It was really sad for you.

Yeah, I thought that was a good thing.

I was so annoyed.

It was really sad.

Yeah, it was because it was kind of like, wow,

I can't get through this day, week, month here.

And I think you've seen the answer.

Yeah.

But the word was slung, which I tried, I got, first I got SL, tried all these SL words, then I got SLU, tried a bunch of SLU words.

So like, what did you try?

Sluck?

I'll show you.

Yeah, sluck.

Yeah,

see us lady tonight.

Let me guess what you put.

Slurp?

Oh.

No, because I missed the R was already gone.

Okay.

Wait, what?

Yes.

Sluck.

Smear.

Yeah, S-L-U.

All right.

Started with smear.

Wait, wait, wait.

Then I went to slick.

Then I went to slip.

Then it went to sloop.

Stop.

Sloop.

Stop, stop, stop.

You got to go slower, Paul.

What are the last?

So, what are the last

three?

What's the next letter?

The first letter is.

Like, sloop, John B.

Conno, didn't it?

Well, what letter?

Because you got a couple letters right in the next line.

S-L-U.

So I think you put

slump.

Oh, my God.

Hold on.

Because I was thinking and I couldn't figure out what it was.

Slump.

No.

No, because.

Okay.

Slug.

Slung.

Slug.

Slung.

Slump.

No, that's what the actual word was.

You didn't get slunk.

Because you didn't get that close.

You didn't get slunk.

How about that?

Because also, you don't think,

to be fair, I did not see that word.

Like, I didn't see it in the letters that I had.

There are other words I can even think of.

Because you don't think of past tense words

a lot.

S-L-U.

Squirrel.

Slunt.

Slunt.

No, slunt is not in there, but I might have guessed it.

What was that?

Because when you hear the words I did, that's fun.

Slub.

Slub.

Slub is in there.

Slubs.

Slubs.

S-O-U-B.

Really?

That was a slug.

How about slugs?

Slugs is not in there because they don't do plural.

They don't.

But I thought maybe you were just trying something.

No, never try a plural.

Okay.

What did you try?

My first guess was slush.

Then I was like, I don't know.

Is slub a word?

Is a word?

Wasn't the answer.

Slush.

And then I put in slough.

S-L-U-F-F.

Slough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I hear that word, I think of S-L-O-U-G-H.

Me, too.

But it accepted it.

It accepted it.

That's Matt.

Wordle.

That's crazy, man.

Josh Wordle.

Josh.

You had Paul at hello.

And he.

I put it in hello.

I didn't get it.

Didn't work.

That's really wrong.

That's wrong.

And now, meanwhile, we got it in what, three or four?

I got it in five, I think, because I put slunk first.

Yeah.

It's only my second time.

And I actually was really confused.

I put slunk, then I was looking at it.

I'm going, why isn't it said good job?

Hey, hey, hey, phone.

And you started hitting your phone.

And then it was like, actually, you didn't give it.

I'm like, what?

And then I was like, what?

And then I looked at my letter and was like, slung.

Yeah.

Gotta be slung.

Slung, I don't, I think I always associate it with low slung, and so I don't like

balls.

Yeah, like low-sung balls.

Do you mean like

what are the shooters?

He got them low-slung balls.

Shooter sacks.

Shooter sacks.

Shooter sacks.

He got some lows.

Yeah, but I wasn't actually trying to get something something else.

He got

high today.

And his tummy's so right in the middle, baby.

And it says, Is that the song that she did?

I am hungry now.

Is that the song she did on the battleship in the video?

Yeah.

That one was on a stage.

Yeah, it was on a battleship with like a big G string.

Yeah, with a G string.

Big G string.

She had those assless chappies.

Yeah.

I got some low-slung balls.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

And that's my high tears.

And a tummy

say it.

And it says

I'm hungry now.

And my butts be low.

Head behind and it poops in the toilet, but the paper don't go.

That's right.

Yes.

The airwolf theme song.

It goes into the trash.

The receptionist should be forced to sing this to anyone walking.

And if you need to go to the bathroom and then sing the song and then point down the hallway.

Wait, what is this person?

She's singing, I got some low-slung balls

first.

Okay,

you're thinking about it.

And so how

did you get to the bathroom?

When's she going to get to the bathroom?

And a stomach right in the middle.

And you start to ask the question.

You start to ask a question.

The receptionist holds up a finger.

Keep singing.

How many verses are there?

This is like the love boat.

Oh my God, exciting.

Oh, my gosh.

All right, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back.

All right, bye.

I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast.

Hussen Minhaj doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy?

Outrageously.

Parenting expert Dr.

Becky.

How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?

It's a good question.

Listen to Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

We are back.

We sang that song 500 times, got it out of our system.

We're definitely not going to sing it again.

Right, Lauren?

No, I'm not singing that again.

We perfected it, how it was.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

It was stunning.

The last time

we did it, it was incredible.

And people from all the other offices came.

All the other shows that have ever been on Earwolf showed up to listen to it.

From all other offices.

So they all showed up to listen.

Every show that's ever, it was throwing shade.

It was.

uh every show that's ever been on it was the one where people called in on the phone number

and it's beautiful people just left messages people oh my god they all came and they were crying and they were crying and they loved it so much

they were really happy they loved it they were found and lost and found again they loved us they loved us

anyway

That's all over.

That's done now.

We're never going to sing it again.

I know.

I know.

But what we are going to do is we're going to play a three-cher.

Yeah.

And let's, before we play the threecher, though.

Not the prayer again.

No, no.

To Satan?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

He knows.

Okay.

But we got to talk about.

That was a great thing about Satan is that you don't have to pray to him all the time.

Yeah, he's like, guys, I'm the guy you don't have to pray to.

He's opposite everything.

He understood.

He's like, please don't pray to me.

Yeah.

No, we got to talk about the other guy who's like Satan.

The Beezelbud?

KP.

Oh.

Fucking KP?

KP.

Okay.

Okay.

KP Frankly, I am.

KP Frankly, is that his name?

Yep.

You're Paul?

Frankly, Mr.

Frankly, I am appalled

that we have begged you nicely.

Please adjust your three church for us.

And

our entreaties have fallen upon Defairs, it seems, because we have not heard a word from KP.

Nothing.

Now, have we taped all of these before he ever would have heard these instructions?

Yes.

But that's immaterial.

The point is, we have not heard from, we have not heard from KP

or her.

No, it's a guy.

We knew it was KP Frankly.

KP Frankly.

So a woman, KPA Frankly.

KP Hot Dog.

And our friend IP Freely as well.

You haven't heard from me.

IP freely, IP loosely.

What are you going to do?

In any case, so

new business.

You know, the next time.

The next time we do an episode, he may have heard.

I hope at this point.

But maybe not.

Who knows?

By the time we record again,

God, KP, I hope we hear from you.

Please.

This reflects poorly on you.

Yep.

Totally.

Not on us.

Totally.

Not on us.

We're great.

No, we're good.

Okay, so we're going to play a game.

It's called Hit the Post, right?

Yep.

We played it a couple of times.

It's really fun.

It's called Radio DJ on his first day.

Yes.

And now we each have our phones and we have songs in the phones.

And we're going to.

We each have our phones.

We have songs have

to have a lot of fun with

songs in the phones.

Definitely songs.

Definitely songs.

So, like, for instance, I'm hooked up to the dongle right now, and I'm going to play a song.

And then Lauren, who's never heard this song before, or maybe she has, who knows?

Yeah.

Is going to try to guess when the singer starts singing on it and is going to try to, like a radio DJ, talk until literally a millisecond before the singer starts singing.

And we'll see how close we can get to it.

It has to be literally a millisecond.

Yeah.

And we're going to go clockwise, right?

So, yeah.

Okay, so this is, I'm going to play this song and this is for Lauren.

And this is a song and I'm going to play this for Lauren.

And this is a song and I'm going to play this for Lauren.

Okay.

Here we go.

Everybody, listen up.

It's the big day.

Prom is tomorrow.

And we want everyone to grab their best dress and their best tuxedo or whatever you're going to wear to feel so amazing so you can dance with your partner.

We got two tickets to prom with a limousine and a free hot dog machine.

It shoots them out.

You grab them in your mouth.

They have to go straight down your throat or it doesn't count.

Everybody, listen up.

Let's do it.

Call in.

Not bad.

Almost.

Not bad.

Actually, you went longer than I thought you were going to be.

And I was like, ooh, she's going to talk over.

But then he started singing a little bit too late.

I think I was pretty good.

That was pretty good.

Yeah.

That was human Tetris.

Okay.

Can I have that?

That was human Tetris.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm going to hook it up, and this is what's going to happen.

It's Paul's turn.

Oh, it's got to

go.

Paul's turn.

All All right, ready, Paul?

Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm Paul.

And in three, two,

one.

Just a reminder out there: there is a lot of traffic right now, but it is not on the highways, it is just on the surface streets.

So, why don't you get out and walk to work today?

We are going to be having our contest.

Again, that contest is to have my job.

I'm against it, but what can I do?

Elton John and Dualipa Singila.

Goldheart.

It's a combo mashup of Rocket Man.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time.

I think it's him returning to.

Did he get a number one hit out of this again?

I love it.

It must be number one.

And then, really, Rocket Man is a part of this.

Yeah, wait.

And I think it's gonna be a long time.

I know what Rocket Man is.

Thank you.

You know, Harlan Williams.

I think it's gonna be a long time.

Oh, I see.

But then she sang it yeah she she admitted oh my god he admitted she sing it

all right

we can't just listen to this song forever I know you love it all right may I have the dongle

but some would say it was perfect a little dismissive some would say it was perfect all right Scott are you ready for this shit

is my volume up yes I don't think you're ready for this shit here we go yep

hey guys I'm back here at work After my fifth time having COVID, I am back on the air.

And I, of course, had three limbs amputated.

I'll let you guess which one I begged them to let me keep.

Yeah, that's right.

It's the right arm.

It's the one I use all the time to write my name on checks.

And those

bitter disappointment.

I thought there would be one more.

Let's do it again.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

is, I'm going to play for Lauren.

I forgot where I was because I was thinking about how my girlfriend just broke up with me.

I had a rough night, you know.

We, uh, well, we made sweet, passionate love, but in the morning, she told me she was in love with somebody else.

Who?

You want to know?

My landlord.

If anyone has a story worse than this, please call in because I'm feeling rough today.

Let's hear it on the lines.

It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

That's the number we got today.

My Social Security and the number of the station.

Let's go.

All right, people, come on, call.

I'm waiting for the lines to light up, and they're not lighting up.

I see dead air here.

You know, it's all the lines are not.

You know, you're telling me that I had the worst breakup story in the history of all.

Somebody call in with a worse story than mine.

There we go.

There we go.

That was the Scorpions

with Tease Me, Please Me.

That was, of course, the Scorpions with Tease Me, Please Me.

All right, Lauren's going to play a song for Paul.

Yep,

okay.

Dong, dong, dong.

Dong, don't.

Dong, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, ding, ding, dun,

ding, ding, ding, dong,

the lonely.

Paul.

Oh, shit.

Back it up.

Okay.

I was looking for a sad play for Scott.

Okay, start over.

Okay, well, start over.

Hold on.

I'm going to do a new song.

I'm going to do a new song because there's no telling what's happening right now.

It's like a weird thing.

Yeah, you have too much information.

Yeah.

yeah, too much information,

okay.

Everybody, we hope you are in love and loving someone right now.

We hope you're holding them in your arms and they are holding you and putting their face in your neck.

Dongle, please.

You have to give them that thing.

Oops, I'm sorry.

Give him that thing.

Give him that thing.

Give him that thing.

Give him that thing.

All right, Paul's going to play something for me.

I do the same thing.

I told you that I'll never wanna.

Again, I'm amazed at the amount of sound effects that I have in my music library.

Sound effects.

It just happens.

I don't think I have one sound effect in my music.

You have one sound effect.

Come on.

In the middle of a song.

Everybody has one.

All right, you ready?

Yep.

Here go.

Hey guys, anyone watched TV last night?

I know I did.

I saw a show about a vampire who made love to a werewolf.

And boy, the hair went everywhere.

And they had a little baby who had the biggest fangs I ever saw.

And I've seen some fangs, if you know what I mean.

I used to go down to the reptile house down at the zoo and I used to check out all of the boa constrictors and they used to squeeze everyone in my family.

All of my family are dead because they went too close into the cage and they all got squeezed by all of the snakes.

And then

I thought there was one more.

And then.

And you knew that song.

I know.

We'll never know.

I was psyched out into thinking there was one more.

Let's do one more round.

Okay.

This game is always fun.

All right.

This is for Lauren,

and

I am playing the song for Lauren.

And here we go.

Well, I've done it again.

Yes, I did enter into the Hercule Company's soup stinks, and I won.

I know it was illegal, but I did win the prize, and I'm driving home in a fresh Maserati.

They have to catch me on the streets if they want it back.

I love you, America!

And the systems we've put into place.

This is my favorite country.

You know what?

I know I'm going to be fired, so let me say one last thing.

I fucking hate my boss.

He's a tool, a prick, and a doody-doody-doo-doo.

I didn't realize you could just say doody-doody-doo-doo.

You can say whatever you want.

That was De La Sol.

That was a De La Sol.

That was De La Soul.

I'm going to lasso a tissue.

Okay.

No one knows what that means.

The dongle line went around the tissue bar.

There you go.

I'm going to lasso a tissue.

I'm ready.

Hey, everyone.

We know that today was a sad, tragic day, but we don't have guinea pigs anymore.

And that's good because they frankly were cluttering the place up.

And by the place, I mean planet Earth.

Guinea pigs, so long.

We won't miss you.

Anyway, if you're a kid and you had a pet, you don't anymore.

So, time to grow up and tell your mom I said hi.

Yes.

Now that's what I call hitting the post.

Yes.

And that was Lights Out Words Gone by Bombay Bicycle Club.

Maybe BC.

Wow.

Can I hit one?

I wonder.

I think you can.

I think you can.

Trying to find a good one here for you.

Trying to find a good one.

Trying to find a non-sound effect.

Let's see.

What's this one called?

Boing?

Door slam?

Is that a song?

It would be funny if an artist or a band put out an album where all the song titles were, it looked like a sound effect album.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Woman Screaming.

Actually, this is more like a Morrissey album.

Woman Screaming.

Man Fainting.

All right.

Yep.

I don't know what's going to happen here.

All right, here we go.

And here we go.

Hey, everyone.

We all know what this trumpet means.

It's time for me to tell you about my tragic, tragic story that happened to me when I was but five years old.

That's right.

Everyone thought I drowned in a pool, but instead, it was a big vat of Vaseline.

That's right.

I was slimy all over.

Everyone thought I was dead.

They pulled me out of there.

I was as slippery as anything you would ever see in your life.

I went just...

What was that?

I thought it was taps at first.

This is a song called Four Doomed Men Ride Out.

It's from the Bone Tomahawk soundtrack.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my my God.

You love Bone Tomahawk so much, you got the soundtrack.

Because the song, there's a song at the end that tells the story of the movie.

It's so fucking ridiculous.

For Doomed Men Ride Out.

Oh, well, that was fun.

Well, we did it.

I love that game.

That was hitting the post.

And we had a great time.

We had a great time.

We hit them and quit them.

I hope you all had a good time listening to us because we're funny and sweet.

Yes.

Well, that's our show.

Thanks for listening.

If you want to hear ad-free versions of Freedom, you can go to StitcherPremium or ComedyBangBangworld.com.

CBBWorld.com.

CBBWorld.com or ComedyBangBangWorld.com.

And if you want to call us, and we don't know why you would, but please, what was it?

La La He He.

Ha ha La Input.

Ha ha la input.

Ha ha la input.

Ha ha la input.

Your own personal

input.

And write to us somewhere.

Freedomusa at gmail.com with Freedom USA, Instagram, and Twitter.

We love you and thanks for listening and goodbye.

Goodbye.

Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.