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Freedom!
Freedom!
Oh my God.
You know, there was something about today's energy where there was just dead silence, not looking at each other between each yell that I really
appreciated.
I had my eyes closed in between each yell, just trying to feel and know.
I can't know who do you guys want to yell at it.
I know, it's embarrassing.
I typically, I don't think we do look at each other, but I glanced over and noticed how much we weren't looking at each other and how there wasn't energy between each yell.
Which I, you know, even in the room, there just was nothing.
I feel like I'm bringing that energy.
Yeah, I, I, I,
what's going on, guys?
Because I feel like I am so hyped to do this.
Because I'm doing great.
No, I'm cracked out of my mind.
I have not.
You're on crack, right?
I'm on crack cocaine.
Oh, yeah, we're talking about it.
I've never told you.
I'm not due to my addiction.
We never did.
Yeah, Lauren's topic's on crack cocaine.
I forgot to tell you guys, I have a new hobby.
And
she's on it only because she's addicted to it.
It's not because
she doesn't think it's cracked well.
I just have to.
Yes, she just has to or she gets sick.
I have not been sleeping well at all this week, and I feel like I had...
like major depression yesterday, which was almost funny, where I was like, why do I, this is out of nowhere.
Yeah.
Was it because
it was related to the sleeping or just?
I think it is related to the sleeping.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it just like hit you yesterday or just like yesterday was bad.
Really?
It was bad.
Like I'm on a fucking elliptical machine and I'm like, am I going to cry on this machine?
No.
No, I don't have to.
I'm looking at it.
And, and, and, and, and, so when you say sleep problems, what's happening all night long?
I am having uh like stressful dreams.
I'm waking up a lot
today.
Like last night, went to bed early, but woke up in the night, woke up before my alarm, and I thought, no,
it's just an hour before my alarm.
I can start my day.
Had coffee, didn't do anything.
I just felt like, I felt like I just fatigued.
Yeah.
A nap at all or no?
You have COVID?
Oh, I'll take a nap.
I don't believe I have COVID.
I'll test again, but I just tested the other day.
Just the other day.
Well, the early bird gets the worm.
Yeah, I'm trying to get worms to lose some weight.
Worms.
You want to eat more worms to lose weight?
I want to get heart heartworms.
Oh, God.
You know what is so sick?
Just because now I'm like.
Sicker than heartworms?
Yes.
Okay, good luck.
Pin worms.
Oh, no, you're right.
Because I'm like, you know, always reading these baby and child-related things now.
And then there's like moms being like, my kid keeps itching her ass.
And then it's like, oh, she has pinworms.
Put tape on her ass.
And then I hope they're saying ass all the time.
Like itching her ass.
Like, tape her ass shut, essentially.
I can't remember if this was a real thing.
It was like, put tape on it, and then at night you take it off, and then like, there's a worm on it.
No!
And they come out at night.
The worms come out at night.
The worms come out at night.
So like put a little scotch tape around the
does it have to be scotch?
No, but you know what?
Are you strawberry?
Side notes, it reminds me, when I went to Ireland, when I was in seventh grade, I was making a scrapbook while I was traveling, and I wanted scotch tape, and that couldn't have been more confusing.
And they pointed me to a box of cassettes.
Oh,
I wanted Scotch tape.
Wait, they had Scotch branding.
What are they called?
What are they called?
Same company.
They didn't have the tape.
But what are they called?
Oh, they had Scott, Scottish.
They had Scottish music on cassettes.
Oh,
so like the proclaimers?
I don't know.
I would walk five ones.
They thought English was your second language.
Basically,
they had no idea what I was talking about.
Yeah.
Anyways, I don't want anyone to ever have pinworms in my world.
So are you putting the tape on?
I put the tape every night.
On my own butt.
She puts it in the bottom.
Just to see.
I put the tape on my butt every night and I
stick my butt in the air and I see what happens.
Yeah.
It puts the tape on the button.
It puts the tape on the bottom.
Or it gets the lotion.
Yeah.
No.
It puts the lotion on the lotion.
What if it gets the lotion in the tape?
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets
it put the lotion on its skin, the tape won't stick.
That's right.
So that's why you put the lotion in the basket.
Okay.
I'll take that lotion, you put it on the tape.
I'll take the lotion for 500, please.
Yes.
Okay.
The question is:
who used this much lotion?
I thought we had more.
Oh, who is Buffalo Bill?
That's right.
Nice.
Scott controls the board.
Okay.
What's your next question?
Next category.
Oh, I got to pick them.
Yeah.
Controlling the board.
Tear it down.
Tear down the whole board.
Tear it down for how much?
For, I'll pay you $1,000 to just Destroy the board.
Tear it down.
For a negative $1,000.
Who was told to tear down a wall by Ronald Wilson Reagan?
Who is
that little bespeckled foreheaded guy, Mikhail Gorbachev?
That is correct.
Scott maintained control of the board.
He talked it out to the ton that he figured out what he was talking about, and then he got it.
He didn't get the boop, boop, boop.
Nope.
He didn't get the boop boop boop.
That would be more.
Do you know who I miss?
Alex Trebag?
Yeah.
I miss him every day.
I recall.
Well, first of all, I'm very pissed because I had an opportunity to go see Jeopardy right before the pandemic, and then I didn't coordinate it well.
I had a hookup there who was going to let me come to a taping.
Was it Alex Trebek?
Yeah.
But it was when he was there, and I'm so sad I didn't get to go live because I'm a Jeopardy fan of Stan.
Stick around and say hi afterwards.
I would have loved to do that.
I was working on some sitcom, and
Jeopardy was right across the stage.
And I wanted to go in there there so badly, but I was scared of getting in trouble.
The only one I went into was Prize is Right, and I spun the wheel.
Watch out!
I only got like 65.
It was a bummer.
Okay,
you could have still done well.
I know.
You want to hit the
dollar.
Of course, you want to hit the hill.
I was working the greatest job of my life, season one of Real Time with Bill Maher.
It was right.
That's why I was there, by the way.
To support Paul.
No, I did come when you were on it, didn't I?
Did you really?
Why?
I don't know.
Wait, you both were on real time with Gilmore.
No, I just came to the audience.
And then I went downstairs.
The best place to be, friends.
What was your job?
Like, sort of a corresponding?
No, I had, well, kind of.
I had my own little segment.
Okay.
This was his first show back.
I think it was real.
Him reporting real news.
I was in Kosovo.
This was his.
Phil.
This year in Kosovo.
This was his return to television after Politically Incorrect had been canceled famously.
And so they were trying to play around with the format of the show.
And so, what if
in the middle we have this guy who does like a more light-hearted thing that's basically like a monologue, a comedic monologue about something in the news
that you wrote and performed.
That I poorly wrote and poorly performed.
I thought you did great in both.
Well, you're very kind.
I thought it was so good.
And I just heard it.
Since learning of it?
Yeah.
A lot of people have that reaction because they can't see it.
Yeah.
But
the Price is Right stuff was just like stored in the hallway
in that building, a television sitting.
Big couches and fridges or like...
No, like the fucking big wheel.
So you could just...
Why don't they just have it out all the time?
No, it was out all the time.
They just would shove it out in the hallway.
And so you could go up and like spin the wheel and everything.
It didn't make any noise, but it was fun.
Yeah, that's the thing is, it wasn't the clicker or whatever.
That's not actually a thing, right?
Is it a sound guy doing it?
I don't know if it's...
I feel like the sound guy would have to be.
It just went went whoosh.
But maybe they plug it in and there's noise.
Plug it in.
Plug it in.
Before everything became so technological.
Oh my God.
Elon Samus.
Everything became so, so, so sort of neutered and streamlined.
I liked it when Vanna had to flip the number, the letter.
I liked it.
I liked watching her.
I liked to watch her flip that letter.
And I liked watching prices.
It had to click, click, and I liked it all.
I liked when you used to shop on Wheel of Fortune.
for couches.
I'll take the dining set.
I'll take the Broy Hill furniture.
I'll take the
limited amount of time to do it.
But then they would always just run long and Pat Sajak would have to be like, okay, you have $500 left.
You need to pick something.
I wish it slowed down that channel so much.
That dumb statue.
Here's what should happen.
Wordle should be replaced by an app that is for Wheel of Fortune.
And then we compete every day to see who guesses the hangman of sorts before the other.
Oh, the hangman.
You're right.
Wheel of Fortune is based on hangman.
Yes, it is, but they made it sound so polite and nice.
I feel that they have a hanging person.
They should, as well as
Wheel of Fortune.
Did you do a Wizard of Oz thing where they're facing?
Wheel of Fortune should have a guy who has a guy who's being hung, literally, if they don't get it right.
But they put on his limbs one at a time.
They put them on.
So it's a
previously, yeah.
Well, no,
it's just a torso.
It's just a torso.
And then they attach.
Yeah, what happens in Hangman again?
What do you draw first?
The head?
You draw draw the head first.
So it's when you get that last leg, that's when, or last arm.
Or you decide beforehand: are you going to play with toes?
Are you doing clothes?
Are you doing toes?
What?
I've never heard of any of these.
What am I trying to say?
Variations.
Well, when you're a kid, I think it's uriculated.
I knew this was going to happen.
I can't help it.
I felt it in the air.
My desperate energy.
No, no, no.
I love it.
Guys, I have to leave.
Oh, no, it's going great.
Oh, my God.
I love you.
Am I just making sure my phone isn't blowing up?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my.
Now, when you're a kid, sometimes your parents are a little more generous with you, knowing that you're not going to work it out so much.
So it's like you agree beforehand.
Because typical hangman, yes, it's you got the head, you got the body, two arms, two legs.
That's it, right?
What a gruesome game.
But your parents, you can sort of decide, like, oh, okay, we're going to, you're going to get to have feet.
Yeah.
You know, or you're going to get to have like.
Maybe more chances.
If you're really dumb, it's like five fingers on hand.
If you had five fingers in each hand, you've gotten all the letters of the alphabet by that point.
It's like, you know, wait, how many do you have?
You got one,
neck, three, four, five, six, plus, and then plus ten.
That's 16.
If you don't have it by 16, then toes, 26, 26.
But what if you did all hairs on the head?
If you've got numbers, similar to it.
You were doing clothes, though?
Oh, I feel like I drew like a t-shirt and pants at some point.
What was on the t-shirt?
Smiley face.
And then you would complete that slowly, right?
Yeah,
within, within, within, within.
They ought to call it state-sponsored execution.
Yes, thank you.
Say what it really is.
That's right.
We're in favor of it.
Yeah.
Love it.
Yeah.
I hate when they pardon that turkey.
You know, what is with that show they put on?
It's so bad.
It's so bad.
Their groundhog and all.
It's all, it's feeling.
It's got to be.
It's not for us.
Pardoning a turkey?
My opinion is it's not for us.
It's It's for Biden because the job is so grim and solemn.
It's like, hey, but you get to do this once a year.
That is.
How would you like to do this that mimics our execution system that we still have in our country?
But it's like cute.
Would that be fun for you?
It's cute and you can see kids for an hour.
You know what I mean?
Easter egg roll, et cetera.
You could make that shit happen whenever he wants.
You think a president these days
could say, hey, every week.
I hear a good impression.
Toy giveaway.
That's right.
Bring the kids together.
That's right.
We're going to give away toys.
Here's the deal.
Come on, man.
Come on.
Come on.
Here's the deal, man.
Here, I'm going to do it.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, I'm Joe Biden.
Hey, I'm Joe Biden.
Hey, where's my hot dogs?
I'm Joe Biden.
Put the hot dogs in the buns, man.
Jelly for life.
Jelly for bread.
We're creating jobs.
We have lots of jobs.
Lots of jobs.
Lots of jobs.
Lots of jobs.
Lots of jobs.
Your mom can get a job and your dad can get a job.
He talks just to kids.
No, he's talking to adults.
It's a big problem.
They're hiring all these 90-year-olds.
Ask your mom if you can get a job.
That's good.
Tell your dad.
I want to work, dad.
I want to work.
I'm six years old.
I want to work.
Well, you're both doing great.
I want to get in there with my little fingers.
I want to put together phones.
I want to ride a bicycle.
I want to get on a job.
I'm going down a hill with my legs up.
Yeah.
I want to put someone like a little bunny in the basket.
I want to give it a ride.
I want to show it the world.
Put the bunny in the basket or else it gets the hose again.
The lotion.
I'm sure I've told you this
story before.
Please tell it again.
We want to hear it.
Please
don't make us vague.
Don't be so nice.
I said I was depressed.
I went to visit my friend who lived a little ways away, but it was walking distance.
And I thought, how fun if I roller skate over there.
And what I did not take into account was that there were a couple big hills on the way there.
The sidewalk went down.
Like when I was first going, it was so steep that I had to like
hang on to.
Yeah.
I had to like hang on to like parked cars and stuff
because I could not, there was no way that that momentum would have killed me.
Right.
What's worse, going down or going up?
Going up was worse.
I had to like, it was like climbing the mountain.
I was always
ticked myself up by like parking meters and shit.
Why didn't you just take those skates off?
Scott, that's a great question.
Yeah.
Never occurred to me.
Wow.
Never occurred to me.
Yeah.
They're on.
Sometimes the stuff that's on your phone.
The fire is wild when you later realize, oh, simple resolution.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Like, you could have killed yourself instead of just taking off your skates.
And that's a great lesson.
Look, my parents paid for those skates, and they gave them to me, and I was not going to disrespect them by taking them off and walking in my stocking feet.
So they gave you the skates.
Yeah, they bought them and then gave them to you.
I think so.
Oh my gosh.
They didn't charge you for them.
I'll be very honest here.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
I had a bad
rollerblades that were forest green glitter color.
They were fantastic, and I loved them so much.
And I would just zip, zip, zip around the head.
I remember I had blue skates with orange wheels.
That's cool.
Yeah.
That is nice.
I had blue and orange heads, and I loved them.
Really?
Yes.
Get those now.
I thought about.
What was blue?
What was orange?
Yeah,
it was a blue sneaker with orange trim.
Wow, the rubber.
The snow were orange.
Not the rubber.
The rubber was like
a little bit more.
But like the design on the side and everything.
Oh, that's nice.
That's like a nice road shoe.
That's a good substitute.
What style of shoe?
What company made it?
Keds.
Keds did.
Okay.
And Keds are just for kids, though, right?
Do you think Kedsy?
No, anyone's allowed to wear those.
Do you think I start close to kids?
Who started the company, Keds, also says milk?
Probably.
And as a business of milk.
Yeah.
Anyone like to buy milk for kids?
Well.
If you want to win this auction, put a bet on it.
Can I just say there's a huge formula, baby formula store shortage?
Here, are you, are you?
It's a big problem.
I just started panicking last night.
Well, I went to Target two days ago and I just picked up one thing of formula.
That Target that they just...
put in that's been there for 12 years.
But I need to go see that.
You went to Target and only bought one item?
Well, you don't even know what I was doing.
I had a full cart and I was dragging rubber made bins around the store, which was another thing where I I was like, I could have done this at the end, but I didn't think I thought of it midway through.
Exactly.
I thought of it midway through the journey and I was like, that's too bad.
They had wheels on it, so it wasn't that big of a deal.
But I got one thing of formula, and then I was like, reading what I had?
No, I just grabbed one because my cart was so full and I was going to have to do it all by myself, loading everything.
And I was like, one's fine.
I have one other one at home.
And then I was like online and I'm noticing this.
And I had read about the.
the shortage, but I was like, I guess my brand's not a problem.
It's right here.
And shit brand?
Not realize.
Yeah, yeah, it's garbage shit brand.
And I didn't realize in my
dogs, but
that the shelves were totally empty, but I didn't clock it in the moment.
And then I went online last night trying to find more, and it was not available at any Target, no formula of any brand.
So what if you went back to that same Target?
Oh, I thought maybe I could, but there was only a couple left.
And then my friend said, my friend found me some at a Walmart kind of far away and bought it all for me so I can pick it up.
Oh, thank God.
But last night I ordered a bunch online for my grocery store.
I ordered like 10 containers.
And And then this morning they said they didn't have it.
Oh, no.
So then my friend found this other one at Walmart.
And so hopefully I'll be able to get it when I pick it up.
But I'm like, dude, it's crazy.
Why is there a shortage?
It's a supply chain issue.
Yeah.
The tits that make formula powder are all dried up.
No.
No, it's really crazy because it's like a very serious problem.
Those big soft titties?
They forgot to rotate out the women.
No.
It's a very serious problem.
And I'm hoping that everyone who's listening is dealing with this is able to get what they need because it's very crazy.
I hope and pray that that is the case, that people can get what they want.
But why is
really, why?
I don't understand why every brand is down at the same time.
Because the toilet paper shortage, the way it was explained to me was there are two types of toilet paper.
There's stuff people use at home, and then there's stuff people use in offices.
Yes, the worst.
The industrial stuff, right?
And everyone left the offices, and so no one's using all the toilet paper in offices.
They're all using it at home.
And the supply chain.
supply is locked.
They can't get in there.
The supply chain is like...
It's building up outside of the stores and the buildings.
There's now double the demand for.
People are just going and shitting in front of the office.
Yeah, but there's more demand.
I think the whole office can agree.
There's more demand than ever for the regular.
For the regular, it's double the demand.
So that's why.
I don't know.
I was just briefly reading something last night, but then it sent me into a panic.
I just started searching for formula.
So our baby's not going back to the office anymore?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
And then there's, of course, horrible threads of idiots being like, why don't you have breastfeed?
And so it's like, you can't can't just start lactating out of nowhere.
If your baby's like, if I gave you $100 right now, you couldn't?
I mean, $100?
Hey, $100, I'll do it.
$100, you can milk me, Greg.
Broke Robert De Niro.
Are you talking to me?
Because you want to give me money?
Why was he so mean to Greg?
I recently re-watched that.
I think I talked about it on this show, but I thought it was hilarious.
It's still good.
I bet there's a lot of, I haven't seen it since it came out, but I bet there's a lot of funny stuff.
No, it's a classic.
It's definitely a classic.
Yeah, why was he, though?
I mean, I guess it ties into the whole, like, no one's good enough for you.
The precious little girl or whatever.
Yeah.
Is that a real thing?
Yes.
Like, are you going to feel that way?
Like, just let Holly date whoever.
I'm going to have my cat pissed in the toilet in front of whichever man comes or woman or non-binary person comes into my home.
No one is
for my job.
Yeah, robot, pet, whatever.
Are you going to try to lead
Holly's soutor into saying that you can milk anything with nipples?
I will definitely try to get the person to act out all of that movie.
If you can set that up so the person doesn't know that it's happening, that would be amazing.
If you and Mike and everyone were doing that scene,
and even Holly, everyone knew about it except the person whoever.
I would say this has to be, so this is going to be like 22, 25 years from now.
Yeah.
And everyone's off book.
Yeah.
We'll have plenty of time.
Plenty of time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Memorize one word a day until then, and you'll find he dies, hologram.
I got the first word.
What, what, listen?
So you think that there's only, because that would actually be interesting.
One word a day.
One word a year probably is fine.
365 words a year.
A year.
No, it's not good.
Okay, one word a 45 words.
It's very important.
One word a month.
Can we compromise?
One word a month?
One word a day?
No, I'm saying one word.
How can I get you into this scene?
Scott, you're not going to get the whole movie doing.
Oh, you want to do the whole movie.
I was saying the scene.
You're going to engineer the whole movie?
Yes.
Okay, interesting pool the water pool all that so if someone gave you a transcription absolutely if someone gave you a transcription of meet the parents and you memorized one word a day and you just add it every day you're like okay today's it's like memorizing pie or something yeah and it's just the dialogue just go hey yeah
yeah hey
the first line of that movie could you do it in 25 years could you memorize the entire movie yeah but what i'm trying to tell you is 365 words a year times 25 is probably not a full movie that's not very many words are you also going to do totally 10 pages?
It's around 10,000 words.
Are you going to do Lord of the Rings style and memorize Meet the Fockers as well at the same, like back-to-back?
Yeah.
Back to the Future 2 and 2.
And I want to memorize Lord of the Rings at the same time as well.
Okay.
Now, if you can engineer that, you might be a redneck.
There's someone that wants to.
Three compartments of my brain.
You might be an elf neck.
How do you know if you're a redneck?
I'm really wondering.
There's so many ways.
Check your day.
There's so many ways to learn.
As Adrian Brody once said.
I'm seriously wondering.
If you beat the doo do go,
go be
baboo.
Beatty, beaty, buddy.
Did you ever see your buddy David Spade do that on SNL?
Do what?
You might be a redneck?
I don't know if I did.
He did Jeff Foxworthy?
Yeah.
I don't think I remember that.
It was funny.
I'll have to Google that later.
Yeah, please.
Give it a quick goog.
As who would say?
Google.
Did you watch that show?
Google.
Google Me.
Why did I watch that?
I watched all of it.
I watched all of it.
You know why I watched it?
Anne Hathaway was brilliant.
She was good.
Yeah.
And stop being mean, Anne Hathaway.
She's a good actor.
Who's being mean?
Yeah, she's people act like she's so hard to take, and it's like, what?
Are you hanging out with her?
She's fantastic, by the way.
And she was so good in that role.
And that movie, I was blown away when they showed, not movie, whatever, show.
Series.
Whatever.
Limited series, Lauren.
That's it.
Limited series.
That LTD series.
I love this one.
When that ended and they showed the real people,
I was extremely confused because stars, they're just like us, of course.
But Jared Leto,
extremely handsome man, as we know, had prosthetics on in the show.
The character that he was playing, the person, very good looking.
He did not need to put on I don't know why he had prosthetics.
He looked weird for profit.
Everything he does, he doesn't need to do.
It's almost like
and we don't need him to do it.
I was very confused.
We, everybody, the audience and him.
Let's let this guy off the hook.
It just was like, Jared, you're free from your responsibility.
Take five.
I don't need you to have have brown contacts and a different nose for me to understand that you're being a different guy.
I also didn't notice that he had prosthetic signs.
Okay, that's weird.
I'm a weird guy.
His face looked totally different.
It didn't, it did not happen.
Because it was all happening right here.
Oh, I never looked red.
Well, yeah, Lauren was a real bridge at the nose.
Yeah,
I only stare at that.
I never make eye contact.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right in between.
Yeah.
But Anne Hathaway was stunning in the role, I thought.
Fantastic.
Great lower voice.
Thought it was very funny.
Absolutely.
And yeah, then I saw the real person she was playing, and I was also blown away by the casting choice.
The whole thing was just a little bit more.
Because the real lady was blown away, too.
Well, Anne Hathaway is a super bottle.
So, you know, she's gorgeous.
She's a stunning woman.
And you're saying the original was ugly?
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying if they're going to put prosthetics on Geralto to make him look less hot to look like that guy, I didn't understand the whole concept of the looks we were going for.
I see what you're saying.
I see you trying to dig a hole around me to fall into.
It's just real acting.
It's not real acting unless you have prosthetics on.
That's real acting.
Yeah.
God, I would love to do some real acting.
Oh, I would love to do that.
You know what I mean?
I'd love to just stretch out.
What'd you be like if you tried to do it?
Willie Shakes?
I'd love, oh man, to get some prosthetics and do William Shakespeare.
Oh, my God.
That would be amazing.
The actor's dream.
To do Romeo
with just giant jowls.
Well, yeah, but what if it's just a lateral move like Jared Leto and we crashed?
Right.
And it's just, they just make you look like a different guy.
A different
level of attractiveness.
Yeah.
Poor.
Scott, I won't hear it.
That sound means Lauren wants to change the subject.
Yeah, it appears we need to take a break because Lauren has started doing our playoff music.
What if you were watching the Oscars and instead of a nice soaring orchestral thing, it was just Lauren going,
you know how good it would be if I came dancing across the stage to like swipe people off?
Like a Sandman.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
And an actor Sandman plays.
That should be on every award show.
It should be the Sandman.
Yeah.
They should adopt that style.
Yeah.
Assiren and the actual Sandman.
Yeah.
I mean, he's still with us.
That's a lot of work for him.
Take a break.
Do you think we got to take a break?
We got to take a break.
We're too.
We're too.
Take a break.
No time.
No time.
I got to talk to you.
Cooler temps are rolling in.
Do da, do da.
And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.
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I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.
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Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
I got to ask you about their denim.
Okay, well, their denim's durable and it fits right.
What about leather jackets?
They are real and they bring that clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.
Sounds good.
What makes Quince different?
Hey, everyone.
Oh, hey, well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen.
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Can I hear some personal experience from you?
Because I'm still a little skeptical for some reason.
Well, one of my favorite pieces from Quince is their 100% Merino wool all-season short-sleeve tee.
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Now, I've been wearing mine so much, I just ordered one in another color.
I want to keep it classic and cool this fall.
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You should do that with long-lasting staples from Quince.
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No, that's great.
How do you spell it?
I was gonna say
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Yes, and when you miss the window.
Like 200 days in, you might be like, I got to return.
Honestly, I've done that before.
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Free shipping and 365 days returns.
Quince.com slash threedom.
It's back.
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I'm Husse Mint Hajj, and I have been lying to you.
I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.
People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Is America too dumb for democracy?
Outrageous.
Parenting expert Dr.
Becky.
How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath?
It's a good question.
Listen to Hussa Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
And Lauren,
we had to go to a break because Lauren had to take the biggest shit she's ever done.
Guys, she filled the whole toilet.
Lauren.
And I rose up
on a mountain.
All right.
I started, so I'm getting all these spam texts on WhatsApp.
Okay.
I started writing back to them.
Oh, I love that.
Okay, what do you got?
I like this one begins with, sorry, I have the wrong number.
Usually there's one thing before that.
Sorry, I say the wrong number.
Why are you starting with that?
Don't text me.
I already know
to let you know I don't know who you are.
Sorry, I say the wrong number.
My carelessness.
Hope you don't mind.
My carelessness.
Hope you don't.
I wrote back, no, I think it's wonderful.
Sorry, I say the wrong number.
My carelessness.
Hope you don't mind.
Again, it was enjoyable anytime.
Sorry, I hope my mistake didn't bother you.
It did not bother me.
It was the greatest moment of my life so far.
Acquaintance's fate, if you mind, if I ask which city you live in?
I live in Sacramento, California, the greatest city in the world.
And you, my friend, where do you call home?
And is it magical?
I'm from Singapore and currently living in Los Angeles, USA.
Oh my goodness.
Are you a Hollywood movie star of the silver screen?
I'm waiting for a reply.
read they had a lot of similar things when we that we did on instagram yeah like because it was like like, Where are you from?
I am from whatever you like, Boise, I was like, I'm from Boise, Idaho, USA, because they wrote that to me.
It's it was so, but like they have, they have such a weird script that they're going with.
I know, and what and what is supposed to happen?
Well, I mean, someone in our family was just like totally taken in by but was that one of those?
It was a scam text type through Facebook, oh, yeah, because I heard it on Ad Decarte.
Oh, okay, so she talked about it, yeah.
Okay, yeah, so she told the whole story, okay, yeah.
It's really, I mean, it's very
saying you can say if you wanted to say it's very, I mean, they, they just, you know, and I told you, I think that my mom also was, fell victim to one of these scams.
It's just like very disposed.
I'm always telling my mom, like, do not click anything ever.
Oh, my God.
But yeah, it was just basically like.
Hi.
I think it was something to the effect of, hi, your cousin, who they had information about.
That's a trick.
Like, that's a real, that feels a little more than a moment.
They're trying to engage Paul in like, they're trying to say, like, I'm in Los Angeles.
Oh, maybe you're somewhere in Los Angeles.
We should meet up, and I have this opportunity for you, and all this kind of stuff.
Oh, God, so shady.
Yeah.
And
remember the one that I went, I went off on the guy, and I was like, oh, he's like, what is what business are you in?
And I was like, I thought we were both in the business of scamming strangers.
And he was like, you go to hell.
You go to hell.
I was like, okay, I guess I got to hear
you.
Yeah.
The one thing everyone should know is if anyone ever asks you for like iTunes gift cards
to photograph the backs of them with the numbers?
It is a scam.
Or Apple gift cards or anything like that.
It's like, it's basically
those are untraceable.
Like once you take, once you take a picture of these numbers, they just use them as cash and it's untraceable.
And that's why they ask for them all the time.
Oh my God.
I felt so bad with that story.
That was so awful and stressful because then you have to try to fix it all.
And
look, if it sounds too weird to be true, it is.
Yeah.
And I think that it's really shady, though, to reference another family member because that makes you think, oh, this is already.
Yeah, exactly.
But also after she was taken in by them, they took over her Facebook account because she gave all of her passwords to them and all that.
And so then they start going out to everyone she knew, including some of my family members.
and saying like, hi, this isn't Kulop who did this, but I don't think it was.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's Kulop's mom.
But hi, this is Pat.
And we're like, I just wanted to let you, you know, ask you if,
what is your social security number?
You know, just like that.
I was just curious.
I've always been wondering what those numbers look like when you write them.
Hey, what is your social security number again?
I remember it's like one, two, three, four, five, eight,
nine digits.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just so crazy.
The fact that there are people,
and they're out there because it works, I know, but it's just so sad that there are people out there with such,
you know, low character.
Do you know what's really
what's amazing to me is that I haven't been scammed yet?
Just take a job on a sitcom.
Anyway, go ahead.
Be a major attack actor.
I've never been scammed, but my social security number is 123-456-789.
Really?
Okay, were you the first guy?
Or no, the first person was 1-1-1-1-1-0.
Or just, why would they even start with nine numbers at that point?
Yeah.
No, he was the one millionth.
And balloons came down.
That must have been one millionth and two.
So when your mom shot you out,
like they set off fireworks and cannons with confetti and stuff because it was like your number was finally the one we've all been waiting for.
Exactly.
And like that, that number flaps went down.
It was like one, two, so many flaps.
It was in the paper.
They put my picture in the paper with the number.
Wow.
Oh, no.
So it's out there.
See, that's rude.
That's the thing.
Everyone knows what it is.
But see, I was born on January 1st,
3,450.
At 789.
p.m.
January 2nd, 3,456 at 789.
That's a lot of fun.
You are from the future.
You're from 1500, 1,500 years in the future.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Cats that sound like they're talking.
Yeah.
What cats?
Oh, no, I got you.
I don't like that.
Cats shouldn't.
If I had my old cat, who did pass in September, rest her soul, she used to, like, near the end of her life, she was like,
it was like really like lots of big meows coming out of that.
Do you think you'll see her in hell?
Yeah, probably.
All dogs go to heaven.
All cats go to hell.
Yeah, I'll probably see her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
when
do you like when huskies scream for no reason?
What's that?
Husky dogs, they just are like.
They make the craziest noises.
Mike, when he's growing up,
he's like some moyed.
You know this?
Yes.
I kind of would like one someday, I think.
They're beautiful dogs.
They're so beautiful.
A huge, white, fluffy dog.
And how tall?
Big.
I don't know how big, though, really.
Eight feet, six feet tall.
Probably seven, eight, nine feet tall.
Standing up on hind legs?
See, on hind legs, 12, 13.
Yeah.
But I never really understood big dogs.
Like, I never.
They got a bark.
Yeah, really, really thought it'd be that fun to have one.
But then we like dog sat a dog that was kind of big.
And I was like, this is really great.
How they just kind of get on top of you.
No, what?
They're scary, I think.
Big dogs.
Oh, to hug a big dog is nice.
Well, when they jump on you, it's nice.
No, I agree.
But if they're trained well, and then if they're coming just like on the couch or something and just crawling onto you, like that's cute.
I thought it was very comforting.
And I sort of thought if I was like alone, I would have another human dog.
There's something cool about it to me.
If they're really well trained, when they're not well trained, it's really stressful.
I used to think I only liked big dogs, and now I realize I like all dogs.
Yeah.
I don't care what size they are.
They're all great.
So, so
open of you.
I've come a long way, baby.
Molly, our second dog.
She makes these weird noises whenever Kulop comes back to the house after having left.
Like if she just hears the garage door open, she starts just doing this, like,
fuck.
That's not where I thought I was headed to arrest her.
I've been deputized, you know that.
You're an officer of the court, too.
You know that.
You know me.
My trumpet.
King of Chicago.
I'm a hot dog king of Chicago.
You know me.
You know me.
I've eaten one hot dog.
I've eaten eaten one hot dog.
Can I finish?
Can I finish this one hot dog that we started 20 years ago?
I want a hot dog right now.
Yeah, I want a hot dog.
Where can we get a hot dog?
We can order Shake Shack right now.
It's really close.
Oh, shit.
Should we do it?
Let's do it.
Let's order Shake Shack on air and then we'll eat it in between.
It's like not a prank, but it feels like a prank.
I love this show.
We'll ask, do we have your permission to put you on speakerphone?
I figured we would just do it over Uber Eats.
Postmates, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That works.
Because what if we didn't have their permission?
That would be such a funny thing.
Call them.
Yeah.
Okay.
You do a group order.
Shake Shack is so busy.
Like, they'd be like, what do you want?
Why are you calling us?
S-T-M, A-T-E-S, Postmates.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
We're ordering hot dogs.
My signal is poor.
Get on the Wi-Fi.
Get on the Wi-Fi.
Let's see if it works, though, because it was making it even worse.
Isn't it fun to hear us start to order, just to open the Postmates app?
I think it's fun.
It's so fun to listen to us
all looking at our phones, trying to figure out if we have the app.
Now, hold on a second.
I did not look at my phone.
You didn't.
Yours is files.
Yours is safely away in your pouch.
I wanted to call them directly.
Not using your phone.
You wanted to shout.
I haven't called a restaurant in a million years.
Even to get a reservation.
Hello, pizza pie.
Yeah, exactly.
Even to get a reservation.
Hello, pizza pie.
I would like one of your roundest pies.
How round do you want this?
Are you sure you don't want it?
Oh, round.
We have some triangle pies in the back.
No, I'm talking Charlie Brown's head.
And could you make it look like Charlie Brown?
With what?
With the sauce?
Give me a white pizza.
Okay.
And then put some anchovies to make it
for the eyes.
Olives for the eyes.
Maybe an onion for the nose.
Okay.
And then for the ones.
An entire onion for the nose.
Yeah.
Just put a big old onion on there.
Raw.
La la la la.
Working it out with the hot dogs, bitches.
Working it out with the hot dogs.
Oh, man.
What?
Yeah.
Or some fountain sodas as well.
Wait, I just forgot the address, but I don't want you to say it.
I just thought I had it, but I just.
One one to do
Earwolf Lane.
Just
Earwolf USA.
It'll get here.
Shouldn't we take a break instead of subjecting the hot dogs?
I thought you were going to.
They love it, those twisted freaks.
We got to go, we got to go, we got to go.
Okay, bye-bye.
There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.
The great news is you're the expert on your child.
And sometimes, figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.
I'm Dr.
Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.
On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night.
And we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.
From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.
Follow wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back and
we've ordered the Shake Shack.
It should be arriving in between episodes.
This is very exciting.
He's not an ad for Shake Shack.
What did you get, Scott?
I got a hot dog.
I'm the only person who got a hot dog.
I sort of still want one, but it's like when I have the chance, I got chicken and nuggets.
We could lady in the trampoline.
All right.
You know what?
I wanted a hot dog until you mentioned Shake Shack, and then I was like, there's other things that you can do.
Yeah, it's like
a burger as well.
We aren't beholden to whatever you guys thought we were going to do.
You got two entrees?
I got two entrees.
Good for you, honey.
Live your damn life.
Exactly.
And I'll only eat a third of each.
Uh-oh.
That's really rich.
Three time.
Uh-oh.
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Take outdio.
Hits a three-chair alarm.
Where?
Where?
We couldn't decide.
So we use both.
This game is submitted.
Okay, first let's get this.
Let's talk about
it.
Elephant in the room.
KP,
you blew it again.
Why haven't we heard from you?
Why haven't we heard from you, Curry?
It's been weeks now.
Yeah.
We need you to make another adjustment to your game, which we forget what it is.
And yes, we've recorded all of these before you would have heard the episode where we asked you to do it.
But that doesn't mean we haven't heard, we have heard from you because we have.
We haven't heard from you at all.
Yes, so that's still on you.
Yeah.
So, KP, get together.
So, YP, get your act together, PP.
Oh,
oh,
fucking, there's no coming back from that, KP.
Your problem.
That's a Boogie Knights reference.
I've never seen that film.
Well, I saw clips of it as a child, and I was like,
just him laying out his big dog.
When it came out, it was on Keeping My Friend's House.
You should see it.
It's a good movie.
It's good.
Yeah.
I just want to watch that.
It's tonight icon's best movie in my opinion iconic alfred molina performance i'm sorry i hate to there will be blood i know you're in but sorry sorry there will be blood i hate to be so sorry i'm so sorry that there will be blood you can't say my movie is the best movie
i actually did watch a clip of you in it and you were fantastic see there you go and you saw my whole performance it was really fun to see
until she saw a clip of your performance it was once it was
uh Was it really fun?
It was really fun.
Was it really interesting to like be in that environment?
It was wild.
It was really, I definitely felt like I did not belong there.
Did you fly there or drive there?
Drove there.
Wow.
Drove there to Valencia, California.
They built a little town.
That's neat.
All right.
Did you take anything?
Did you take anything from the set back home with you, like steal anything?
I took a barn door.
Wow.
That's awesome.
I said, that's not a real barn.
That's fucking awesome.
So the cows aren't going to escape.
They don't live there.
And now I have it in my home, and when I just pull on it, it goes
like the Fisher Price barn.
That was always an interesting sound.
I loved it.
I love the little.
I like trying to make it go.
The circle thing.
Me, me, me.
I like trying to make it go really slow.
The circle when it goes, the farmer says.
Well, no, no, the little thing you turn upside down, and it makes the cows.
Oh, the gas is like this.
I had one.
I had one.
I love it.
It's a weird ton.
Not like that, but it's almost like.
Are you from space?
No, it's
like there's a little ball falling in there.
game.
But there's a little like
that.
But I feel like that's more the feeling that you get from
the vibration.
It feels like that.
But the sound is pure mood.
No, I think you're 100% right.
Thank you.
Anyway, Alex is the big winner this week with his game or her game or their game.
Snake Oil
or Snake Earl, depending on where you're from.
My name is Oil.
My name is Snake Earl.
The Bowery Boys in their first sitcom.
Have each player write down six different, completely unrelated words.
Oh, man.
One player chooses.
You can write the shit out of these.
One player chooses their occupation.
Diarrhea.
And announce.
I mean, my son is.
Unrelated.
Of course you're going to.
Unrelated.
Oh.
One player chooses their kind of unrelated.
Unrelated.
One player chooses their occupation and announce is it to the players.
He forgot to put the announces.
How are you supposed to even read it when it's written so horribly?
Yeah.
What are we doing here?
Who did this?
Can we end this one early?
Alex.
Alex.
Show yourself, Alex.
Have each player write down.
How do you eat out?
Alex.
Have each player write down six different completely unrelated words.
One player chooses their occupation.
Of course, it's different words.
If they're unrelated, you wouldn't be writing down the same word six times.
Right, but it's like...
We have a lot of notes.
Have each player write down six completely unrelated words.
One player chooses their occupation and announces it to the players.
Each player chooses two to three of the words.
My only question is, how do we do our occupation?
Well, like each player says their occupation.
What does that mean?
I'm going to read more and see if that brings it to light.
All right.
One player chooses.
Have each player write down six different completely unrelated words.
Okay.
One player chooses their occupation.
Have each player write down six different completely unrelated words.
One player chooses their occupation and announces it to the players.
Each player chooses two to three of the words to combine as the name of a new invention like Tint Juice or DreamCloud, which they will then attempt to sell to you with an enticing sales pitch.
Their pitch should explain what their invention is, how it works, and why you would particularly want it given your occupation.
So we can just come up with an occupation.
It's not our actual occupation because we would all be professional podcasters.
Have each player write down six different completely unrelated words.
One player chooses their occupation and announces it to the players.
Each player chooses two to three of of the words to combine as the name of a new invention, like Tent Juice or DreamCloud, which way they will then attempt to sell to you with an enticing sales pitch.
Their pitch should explain what their invention is, how it works, and why you would particularly want it given your occupation.
Inventions don't need to be logical or work in a realistic way.
Once everyone has had the chance to pitch to you, choose your favorite as the winner.
That player gets a point.
The player with the most points, when you finish playing, wins.
Okay.
Can you start over?
Yeah, I know.
Can you explain it, but like when I listen to it?
Like a thing or something?
When you listen to it.
When I listen, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, but hold on.
I'm going to put the, let's start.
Let's just do a piece of the word.
Okay, so yeah, let's do the six words.
Unrelated words.
Six unrelated words.
And completely different.
I mean, could they be spelled almost the same, but they are unrelated to the same words.
Don't write it down the six same unrelated words.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, I've got it.
No, I'm just looking at things in the room.
Okay.
Cobra Kai, Cobra Kai, Cobra Kai.
Lemme Rocky, Cobra.
Let me talk about it.
Let's look at it.
Let's look at this up in the room.
Lemon Rocky, that's all I want to do.
Cobra Kai, Cobra Kai, Lemon Rocky, Cobra Kai.
Lemon Rocky because I feel for you.
Feel for you.
Feel.
Feel.
Feel.
Okay, I got my six.
I got my six.
And then we pick our own two words.
That's the weird part.
I think it I think other people should have
we should we should like text each other to the left of and those are the words we have to to the left to the left wait wait wait
you know what I mean okay so I don't know so we don't pick two of our own words yeah and whatever we pick two from the list that is sent to us okay great I'm gonna text Paul or we just send two words to the person no I think we should pick the six because that that'll give people more choice I'm sending you six words all right and I'm sending you six words, Lauren.
And Scott, I'm going to send you six words.
And then what am I picking?
You're picking two of them to combine.
Whatever two you think.
And by the way, we're going to have to do this three times.
So
you got to make sure that you pick the right ones.
And combine them to do what?
As a product you're selling.
Great.
Got it.
Okay, great.
Do you want to read it one more time?
No, I think we can.
All right, but now we have to pick our occupations and tell each other that.
Yes.
Okay.
Or do we assign each other occupations?
No.
No, let's just
pick our own occupations.
Yeah.
Which is just part of my character.
Yeah, exactly.
My character is a first-grade teacher.
So we're pitching to you then first.
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
How about that?
And both of us are trying to compete?
Is that what it is?
Yes.
Okay.
Hello, sir, or madam.
Madam.
My name, madam.
My name's Harvey Jarnes, and I am a salesman, and I have something that is perfect for you, a first-grade teacher.
Oh.
I have to interject here, and I'm sorry to do it right at the beginning of what you're doing, but I myself, by the way, my name is Harvey Parnes.
And I.
What's your name?
Harvey Jarnes.
Okay.
Harvey Parnes over here.
Focus on me.
Unrelated.
You're not a couple?
No, we're not.
I didn't think you were related.
Your name's just rhyme.
Yes.
We used to dig.
But you did think we were a couple.
Well,
Harvey Jarnes.
To be fair,
we used to have a big torrid romance going
that you're sort of denying.
I wouldn't call it a relationship.
We were fuck buddies, ma'am.
And who was a top and the bottom?
We switched off.
Yep.
That's really cool.
Odd days of the country.
Did I get it right?
I'm the top, even days.
I'm the top.
So you have sex every day.
Because it is a Thursday.
Or just based on whichever day you wanted to have sex.
Well, on odd days, the interesting thing is sometimes two odd days would come in a row, the 31st and the first.
Right.
So those were the really, those were the lean years.
Then we would put on masks to be completely different people, so it didn't matter.
Yeah.
And we didn't count those.
Okay.
But we did have sex every single day.
And when you have sex with each other,
did you ever say, I love you?
I love having sex with you as well.
Yes, we did say that a lot.
I love having sex with you.
Oh, did you ever leave out the part where you said having sex with?
I mean, sometimes the pause was very long.
Sometimes I would say, I love, and then ellipsis, then you.
Yeah.
But the having sex with was very implied.
A lot of times I would say I love and I would mouth having sex with and then I would say you.
Does that answer your question?
Yes, it does.
Are these the kind of questions you ask of your students?
No, I just wondered if you guys were fuck buddies because your last names rhyme.
Yeah.
Madam.
And your first names are the same.
No, wait, that's how we met.
Yeah.
Being a teacher is the greatest job in the world.
Oh, really?
Even better than other mom.
Billionaire, I would say, is the greatest job in the world.
Well, I mean, most important job.
Yeah.
For sure.
I'd love to be a billionaire.
And I know it's hard because you have to buy your own supplies and nobody's giving you any credit for it.
That is true.
That is very true.
Well, wouldn't you like something that made your whole life a lot easier and helped you more effectively teach your little students?
Yeah, of course I'd love that.
Well, then have I got the invention for you?
It's called the Moon Demon.
Okay, it sounds scary.
It's not.
It sounds scary, but it's not.
Now, when does school take place the daytime?
It does.
It takes place from 7 to 3.
Telling about night school over here.
Well, but you don't teach first grade night school, do you?
Do I teach that?
Yes.
Where are you?
He was saying his question over.
He's an awfully cagey, man.
Yeah, what's going on right now?
I don't.
Your eyes are shifting back and forth.
First grade night school.
Wow, your eyes are rocketing back and forth.
Yeah.
I don't.
This is making me feel like she does teach first grade night school.
Not something to be ashamed of.
I didn't even know it existed, but I'm glad it does.
What's a moon demon?
You've piqued my interest.
I'm glad you asked.
A moon demon makes makes use of your classroom at night.
So
the moon demon is a device that you put on the outside of your classroom window, the one closest to the teacher's desk.
You always keep an eye on it.
Don't let the kids get into it because it has toxic properties.
Now, you saw.
So it's good for me to be by it.
Exactly.
But the kids, because they'll stick their fingers in it and then put their fingers in their mouths because that's what kids do.
Yeah.
But you won't do that, will you?
But no, well, I'll rub it on my hair.
Is that bad?
No, it's good for hair.
Okay.
What What it is, is it captures, it has a goo in it that soaks up the moon's rays.
And then what you do is you open the window, just a crack, mind you, just a crack, and then you let that
moon goo seep into the classroom.
The gas is from it.
It off-gases into the classroom, and it keeps the kids alert and awake.
I love that.
So they're always ready to learn.
It's a gas, so it's not connected to a demon himself.
No, it's called a demon because it seems almost almost like magical and evil because it's so this sort of smoke or gas comes through the air and makes all the kids stay awake it's invisible but it gets into their nostrils and their little lungs and it keeps them alert and perky and now does it get into my nostrils no it doesn't work on adults and so i won't be getting into toxicity but the kids will yes they will but it's harmful if breathed in but you mustn't touch it if you're a child but it's going into it's harmful if breathed in but you mustn't touch it no it's not harmful if breathed in it's harmless if breathed in maybe i misspoke and i do apologize that was a really crucial detail because I was just taking out my checkbook, and then when you said that, I started putting it away.
I've been talking to teachers all day.
I do apologize.
Sometimes I misspeak.
Can I interject here and say, speaking of alert and awake, who else was falling asleep during that?
I mean, come on.
Hey, that's pretty funny.
Hey, that's pretty funny.
I have something that I want to tell you about.
Okay, Harvey Carp.
But first, I have a question.
Harps Parnes.
Parns.
Harvey Parnes.
I'm Harvey Jarnes.
Who Harvey P.
Carr?
Harvey Parson.
Harvey P.
Carr was a cartoonist.
You're thinking of Harvey P.
Carp.
The
Yes, yes.
I have a couple of questions for you.
Okay.
What is the number one thing that you want your students to learn that starts with G-E-O?
Geodesic domes are the wave of the future.
They are, but the subject that I'm thinking about is geography.
We all got to know where we are at all times, don't we?
Yep.
But what's the number one thing?
I do wonder where I am right now, and how did you find me?
Oh, we just came in through this open window.
You just came in through through the window, you joke hopper.
I was protected by a silver spoon.
I was instructed to do so by, what's her name?
Okay.
Who is it who sings come through my window?
Melissa Ethelidge.
Melissa Etheridge.
Melissa Etheridge.
She speaks to me through her records.
Okay, but she speaks in tongues.
What's the number one subject?
You're our third stop.
We went to the doctor and we went to the mountain.
Okay, good.
So you've hit all the big stops.
Yeah.
You're two lesbians with a mission.
Yes, we are.
What is the number one subject that your students want to be studying instead of geography?
I'm just going to say it.
Nap time.
Nap time.
They love nap time, don't they?
They'd rather be natural.
Move astronomy.
Moves a little too much.
Interesting.
Nap time.
So what's your product called?
It is the recumbent globe.
The recumbent globe.
This is a globe that lies down on the floor with the children.
I love it.
It lies down next to them, a cradle.
It's a 31
spoons them.
Are you taking notes?
Well, I am taking note of the old expression: he who lies down with a globe wakes up with lines on their face.
I've had my fair share of lying down with globes, and let me just say, it can be a very good experience.
It can, it can, and it's instructional and it's motivational as well because these kids, once they're lying down with the entire earth, they want to get out there.
They want to be traveling around the earth.
They want to be going to different places.
We talk about motivational globes.
What about
pop music?
Everybody.
Interesting.
Interesting.
See, now, where did you learn that?
Can I ask?
Yeah, I learned it from Ross.
From the streets, didn't you?
You learned it from the streets, which is where people should not be learning things.
Absolutely.
We want them to learn things in the classroom, and this keeps kids in the classroom.
Laying down with the globe.
I like this.
Yes.
How much is each one?
You go first.
99 cents?
Oh, no.
Mine is just a cent.
Okay, well,
for a moon demon that catches the moon's rays,
it works every single night because even though we don't see the moon, it's still up there and it's shooting down rays at us.
So it's just one penny to have that work for the rest of my life or it's 99 cents to have this work for the rest of my life.
Well, no, mine doesn't work.
It doesn't work at all.
No, I think your choice is clear, madam.
Okay, I'm going to go with.
I do admire your honesty.
And that is something I always do.
That's something I almost came close to loving you for.
Powerful.
Look, I chopped out a cherry tree when I was really young and I lied to my dad about it.
Oh shit.
Yeah.
And then after that, no no more lies.
No more lies.
But my question is: can I, do you think I could fix it?
The tree?
No, the broken.
I can call my dad, but.
Oh,
yeah, I mean,
how handsy are you?
I mean, handy.
I'm very handsy.
I mean, handy.
Did you ever tell me about what?
Well, that time I, you know, I gave somebody the wrong change, this woman, I worked at a store, and then I had to walk five miles to give her two pennies.
Oh, no, you never told me about that after our fuck session.
I'm pretty honest.
Okay, well, no, we mostly just talked about crossword puzzles.
puzzles.
I actually love.
We never did them.
No, we just talked about wanting to do them.
I love the way you're
being Harvey.
I do love the shapes.
The shapes are very symmetrical, I would say.
Harvey Jarnes.
Yes, yes, yes, ma'am.
I'm sorry, did you say my name?
No, Harvey Pards.
I'm going to give you one penny
to have your product slowly leak in through the windows
for the rest of eternity.
That's great.
So the Moon Demon itself, just one penny.
Private subscription, unfortunately, costs $150 a month.
But you've already made up your mind, and so I'm rich.
You're already swiping my corner.
Wow.
And that's how you play it.
And that is how you play it.
And you know, it's almost here is a little guy called Shake Shadow.
Wow.
Is that it for us?
We all wrote down six words and only one of us needed to.
I kind of felt like that was what was going to happen.
Time to meet Tanya at the door.
Time to meet Tanya at the door.
Hey, and if you're out there and you have a Tanya coming to your door, go meet her.
Yeah.
Time to meet Tanya.
I wish you all infinite Tanyas at infinite doors.
Here's friends.
Here's what I want to happen.
Here's the deal.
I want Tanya to come to your door.
Hey, I want Tanya to come to your door.
When I was a kid, growing up in Scranton, this is good.
You got to do it on CBB, baby.
Never.
Okay, do it right here, right now.
I loved it.
All right, we have to go eat our big cylindrical hot dogs.
I'm just thinking of myself, I guess.
But,
you know, we'll see you next week.
And remember to call our phone number for whatever reason.
It's laha la input.
Ha ha la input.
Ha ha la input.
Ha ha la input.
And write to us at Gmail.
Do we want people to write to us anymore?
We just want people to write.
Well, let's try to come to you.
If you have a threecher, if you have a three church, you got to write to us, if yes.
Please write to us, threedomusa at gmail.com.
Threedomusa on Instagram and Twitter.
We love you very much.
Yeah, and if you want to hear ad-free episodes, head over to StitcherPremium or CBBWorld.com.
And that's it.
We're getting our food.
Goodbye, everyone.
Hey, it's Lena Waith.
Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.
This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Belicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.
We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.
Come be a part of the conversation.
Season two drops July 29th.
Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.
Our healthcare system is broken in so many ways.
We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.
So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.
Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.