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I was acting like I was lifting a great big rock that God couldn't even lift.

I barely gave any energy to it.

And Lauren, let's ask God what he did.

Go ahead.

What did you do?

What did you do?

I sang it normal.

A little bit of grit on it.

That's nice.

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit of grit.

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit of gritfruit.

A little bit of gritfruit does the work.

What song is that?

A little bit of Christmas?

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit of bloom and luck.

Oh, I think it's from.

Oh, just a little bit of bloom and luck.

My fair lady.

But it's making me think of this cartoon called Little Bits that was on Nickelodeon.

And I'm trying to think of how the theme song went.

Okay, hit us with it.

Three, two, one.

We're the little bits.

We're the little bits of bloom and luck.

Lauren, I can't help but notice that you mentioned a lack of energy.

Yes, I did.

Because what is going on with you, Lauren?

Your

dog

path.

Coronavirusian, COVID-19,

the COVID novel coronavirus.

I got the COVID.

I did get the COVID after

two plus years of washing my hands, wearing my mask, and

teaching nobody.

I was just wearing your hands.

Wearing your hands.

Wearing your hands.

Okay, Hannibal.

I didn't stop any of my practices, and yet I got COVID-19.

You've done it.

As did my entire family.

So it's been a wild week, which is why we were on Zoom last week, but I didn't want to say last week.

They're fresh.

I hadn't actually tested, I hadn't tested positive when we recorded last week, so I was still holding out hope that I would be negative.

But no, I got it.

You were the last one in your household.

I was, which made me feel a little better because you and I had done a show a few days before.

I was worried that I would have infected you, but I didn't test positive for days.

so it was pretty safe to say that you were.

I wasn't worried about it until you did mention after you tested positive that you had had a sore throat for days.

Well, Monday was when my sore throat started.

Oh, okay.

Not during the show.

Okay.

The show was Saturday or Sunday?

Sunday.

We do Sunday shows after church.

Mike did test positive on Monday, though, but then I was like, I booted him out of the house.

He went to stay at

France.

Airbnb that was empty.

Showed up with a fine band.

Yeah.

And then I was wearing a mask with Holly, and then it turned out Holly was positive.

And then I still was trying to wear a mask.

But then I tested positive a couple days later after wearing a mask and doing it all by myself for a couple of days.

It was futile because I got the cob and probably already had it.

But then at least your diseased husband could come back home and help you.

That was better.

Who did he get it?

Because he got it first, right?

He did.

I don't know.

I remember this.

COVID is the kissing disease.

And I will say, I don't blame him.

It could have happened to me just as much as it could happen.

He's not in trouble.

I'm just putting those.

No one should be mad at Mike.

Other than fans of this show.

He was maskless in a space where there was a lot of space between each person working out in a giant warehouse

with 10 feet at least between each person and huge ceilings.

And yeah, but it got him nonetheless.

And so we've been holed up and it's been horrible.

We both got super sick.

It sucked.

It's been bad.

I would not say it was mild for us.

It was very mild for Holly, thank God.

It feels like the people that are getting it now, from what I've heard,

it's not like, oh, it felt like nothing.

Like this actually feels like you're sick.

Yeah, we were knocked on our asses.

And so it worked out actually.

The timing that the fact that I got it a couple days delayed really worked out because he was.

When he was sequestered at the Airbnb, he was able to just like sleep all day and not worry about taking care of the baby and stuff.

And then by the time I was feeling really shitty, he was back home.

So I was able to lay in bed.

But it sucked.

And I feel, I still don't feel great.

It's been over a week.

What about the babby?

How does that, how does the babby do?

She's doing great.

She was really great after just like, I would say it lasted for her probably like 36 hours.

She was sick, definitely sick and wanting to be held all the time and crying and feeling bad and low energy.

But I never got COVID.

And then I took her to the doctor.

They checked her out.

Everything was okay.

And they said it's typically been mild.

What they've been seeing was that it's mild for babies.

And she was a situation where that was the case, thankfully.

And she was much better on the next day and was like totally energized.

And that made it a little hard because we were energized.

Yeah.

I showed her her first movie, though.

I had never shown her TV before.

Whoa, what did she think?

And when she was six,

I'm sorry.

One moment.

Was Scott doing an impression of a baby being energized?

Yes.

What did that that sound like?

Something like that?

I don't know.

Why?

What was it?

Like a mechanical sound?

Well, I mean, it's a cross between, honestly, energizing sounds like a cross between mechanical sound and like pixie dust, right?

No, you're right.

Anyhow, we watched Encanto and

we both loved it.

She kept turning around.

It was so cute.

She kept turning around and smiling at me when we were watching it.

She was like so happy.

Yeah.

Wow.

She loved it.

That's fantastic.

So we watched one hour one day and then we watched the

hour the next day.

And then when she was feeling better, she has no patience to sit and watch a movie.

So that was kind of a cute moment that we got.

Did she could she clock

that it was the same movie, you think?

Or?

I think so because I put it on a different movie after

the only one she's ever seen.

So it was like she was less in the middle of the day.

They made only one.

But then I watched Turning Red.

Have you seen that?

No, I love it.

I heard it's

loved it.

Oh my God, it made me cry at the end.

And I loved Encanto.

They were both fantastic.

Did you read that review that they that they eventually took down?

I forget where it appeared.

Well, where the guy was like, how can I relate to this?

Yeah, this is just unrelatable.

And it's like, what do you think movies are?

I know like everybody's

exactly to me.

All movies are unrelatable, right?

I mean, it's like, but the movie is relatable.

But they're just as relatable as they are unrelatable.

That's what I mean.

It's like, you could say that about anything.

Yeah.

But it's, it's very, I found it very relatable.

And even at the end, they have like a moral that's like, we all experience this thing.

So da, da da, da, da.

And I was like, how are you not?

The only movie that's relatable for me is Captain America because I have a really good body.

But so you don't really put out where he was a little twerp?

No.

You don't like that your head is so much bigger than your body?

I've only seen the first 10 minutes, so I don't know.

You turned it off in disgust.

That's what Chris Evans really looks like.

I thought there's a movie about a hero.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about your COVID-19 ass.

It sucks.

It sucks.

I'm glad you're doing better, though.

You're in the

woods.

I'm glad you never gave it to us.

Me too.

Thank you.

Because also, I was supposed to see you Monday, and that was the day Mike tested positive.

So thankfully, I didn't.

Thankfully, you were honest with us.

I know I could have lied to come over.

There's somebody in our household who has extreme COVID fear and is convinced that either myself or they have COVID every single day.

Well, that was me for literally this entire time.

I'm always saying I have COVID.

Are you?

I didn't know that.

Oh, my God.

I always am like my throat because I have COVID.

Like I just for two years and Mike's, and so even when I wanted to give Mike a test,

he was like, fine, like, because I am always saying it.

And then it was positive and we were both shocked.

Shocked.

I don't think I have it until my roommate starts trying to talk me into it.

Yeah.

Come on, get COVID.

And then I'm like, okay, you're starting to make me think that it's a problem that I coughed once.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, the only silver aligning, though, I guess, to the whole COVID situation of getting the COVID and having and getting through it and being okay is like that.

I can um not worry as much for like a couple months.

There, you have it, there you go.

So, that's good.

Kulop, did Kulop experience the feeling of a little bit of freedom after the

experience of it?

I don't know, I think so.

I mean, we both just went to the doctor and got our antibodies tested.

Oh, uh-huh.

So, and mine are off the charts, baby.

So, you, you have antibodies, even though you didn't have it.

Yeah, from the

vaccine.

From the vaccine.

But that's why you didn't get it, maybe?

Or no?

Is that how that works?

We don't know.

I don't think so, but we, but maybe, yeah, I don't know.

They also seem to think that maybe Kulop's vaccine processed, her body processed the virus so well that she wasn't giving it off.

She wasn't shedding it at all.

So, but yeah.

Does that mean she's an alien, maybe?

Yeah, it could be.

Yeah, like her body is like zeros and ones.

More ones than zeros, if you know what I mean.

I don't.

Oh, I do not remember.

But what?

Ballecta.

A baleda?

A balekda.

I got my toaster.

You got your toaster?

Great, Paul.

No,

your double booster.

Second booster because I'm older.

It finally pays off.

That's great.

Scott.

My friend also got the second booster because he had J and J and they are all

because there is so bad.

I guess.

Just, I don't know, top it off.

Just get a million of them.

Yeah, you want, you want extra?

We're going to give you some take-home ones.

What were you going to ask me, Paul?

Are you going to get it, Scott?

My doctor suggested currently to wait because my antibody levels are really super high.

So

if I get too high, what?

Like you're going to like then I get high, I'm high all the time.

I'm up to the sky?

Yeah.

No, just there,

there's it's a scale of one to 150.

If you have one, then you have antibodies, essentially.

And mine are above 150.

Like they were.

Oh, my God.

You're off the charts.

So they, he said, literally, you know, just wait a few months and we'll test it again and see how your antibody levels are.

And it's really hard for me to say.

You're like an Ohio 160, Sure.

But an LA 150.

Yeah, with an Oakland booty, of course.

Absolutely.

But that's what happens when bodies start slapping.

Yeah, I guess.

From doing the wild thing.

I used to do that as a reporter all the time.

Bodies start slapping.

That's what happens when bodies start slapping.

When you play the reporter in a movie?

Oh, I wish I could play a reporter in the movie.

I've just been fun.

Wouldn't that be fun?

In the movie?

In the movie.

They call him the two-armed bandit.

That one in Canto?

The only movie that moved.

The one movie.

That's what Holly thinks.

Yeah.

She's like, man, they should make another one.

That was good when they did that movie.

That whole thing with the big flat black thing that's against the wall every day.

I love picturing her turning around to see.

Are you getting this?

Yeah, she was.

But I had a mask on, which also bummed me out because I was like, I couldn't fully celebrate with her.

Maybe she was happy because she thought you were a different person.

Yeah, she thought I was just like a void.

Please stay.

That loser I'm normally with never lets me watch any of this kind of stuff.

I like this new person.

And how is Mike feeling better?

He still feels pretty crappy, but better.

We're both much better, but it's just coughing a bit.

And my cough is basically gone, but I just feel very how's your sense of taste?

Good.

He did give me a donut.

Well, then why don't you eat shit?

I guess a doughnut was bad.

He gave me a donut on, he got me a donut on my first really bad day, but I couldn't really taste it.

Oh, no.

I just had a

donut.

Sprinkles?

It was my favorite.

It's just a,

what do you call it?

A donut with chocolate frosting, but like not a cake donut.

I love cake donuts, but it was a fluffy one.

Just a general

chocolate frosted donut, yeah.

Yeah, so good.

I love chocolate donuts.

You?

Yes, i do absolutely do you know what i used i used to love every once in a while after church we would go to dunkin donuts and get a dozen donuts and the um

the cream filled ones

not not not boston cream they were white powdered ones with cream inside and those were my favorite i hate when there's cream inside No!

Wait, no.

We talked about this before because there was something that your brother got you to eat.

Well, I had a tragic time when my dad got me a Boston cream at Dunkin' dunkin donuts and i didn't know it was boston cream and i bit into it and it was shocking and disgusting no but my brother did recently get me a matcha donut that i made but i didn't know there was matcha inside but then i did like it yeah but i'm more open to a cream puff now but as a child certainly not no i remember cream puffs being disappointing when i was a kid like it was technically it was a sweet thing well it's there so i of course i would eat it yeah but it just

the cake is too thin the cream is too much it's like the proportions are off yeah when i was I lack that vocabulary, obviously.

When I was working on Mr.

Show, we would

stop at the moment.

You want to talk about when you work on a Mr.

Show?

Oh, yeah.

We would stop at 7-11 every single day

on the way.

And

we had to be there at 11.30.

This is at like 11.

Get a giant thing of coffee where we would just like pour cream and sugar into it and then buy a full packet of chocolate

donuts.

Those eight packs of the mini donuts.

Yes, yes.

Eat that every single day on the way to work.

That sounds kind of fun.

That time in your life.

It's not good for you.

No, it feels like now you have diarrhea, but yeah, at the time, I feel like my stomach was, well, in some ways, I could eat crazier things, but then I had a period of time where it was like just anything would just be pure diarrhea central.

But then I moved past that, I think, just from having a better diet.

Speaking of eating things, you don't want to talk about diarrhea?

No, I do.

Believe me.

But off, off mic.

Off mic, I want to talk about it for three hours.

There was a period in my life where I was ordering

a cheesesteak sandwich every day from this place, the Philly Steak Depot in Hollywood.

Fucking disgusting.

Well, of course, I grew up with these sandwiches and I love them.

And this was not entirely...

It was the closest that I'd found at that point to an actual Philly cheesesteak.

And of course, there was a minimum for delivery.

And so I'd order them two at a time.

and i i did this every day for a long time enough so that the delivery guy knew me by name

and we would chat a little bit at the door and did he ever say you can we can change it so you can just get one

no he never said that nor did he ever say you should stop doing this so every day you ate two I would eat not every day so I would eat like one and then I would eat the other one the next day um some days I ate one that night though but I would get yeah sure Yeah.

So you would

well, no, no, no, not always.

Not always.

I would not eat like one for lunch and then one for dinner.

Sometimes I'd order them on Monday and then Wednesday.

Yes, but sometimes I would order, I would order a cheesesteak and a chicken cheesesteak, and then I would eat half and half.

Chickadee cheesesteak, the cheesesteak, chicken.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

Do you have a drumstick and the clock starts ticking?

Like Sting, I'm getting tantric.

Watch next Files with no lights on, yeah.

With Don Lamaise on.

I hope the Smoking Man's in this one.

Like Harrison Ford, I'm getting tantric.

Or I'm getting frantic.

What if Harrison Ford got tantric?

Like Snickers.

Oh my God.

I'm imagining that with

Ali McDeal.

You used to know that whole thing, right?

I did.

I did.

I still do know a lot of people.

And you would bother somebody with it.

You?

And I love bare-naked ladies.

There was somebody you would do it for, and it would drive them crazy.

Or maybe I'm misremembering.

I don't know about that, but I'm sure it's good.

Actually, that might be another friend of mine.

Oh, okay, because I do know.

I think it just drives anyone crazy that anyone would sing that or know it or anything.

It It feels like an almost like an activation of a sleeper cell thing.

That if you, if you sing it to someone, that they might feel like, I'm not in control of my own body and mind.

But I remember the first time I heard that song, and I was riding in the back seat of my friend's car, her dad was driving, and I thought it was amazing.

It was like so fast.

I was like, wow, how are they singing all this stuff?

And then to memorize it is very fun.

I just saw a TikTok about how.

How do you know they memorized it?

No, for me to memorize it then later.

Yeah.

um, they probably were reading it the whole time.

Um,

I

oh, the part of the concert where they pull out the crumpled-up piece of paper and they're like the chickety china, the chinese

in the studio.

They like couldn't record until they finally all memorized it.

Wait, I saw TikTok about how some people mem, some people listen to music and hear lyrics, and some people hear the melody, which I guess I under I've always understood, but there's literally a study about brains and how some people's people.

Oh,

don't do that.

But I think we all hear the lyrics.

Do you want to study my brain?

I, well, I feel like I'm a lyrics person because I like lyrics.

We're all lyrics people.

No, I'm a lyrics.

No, not everybody is.

We are because we know lyrics.

Shut the fuck up.

Don't tell me what I am.

I think, but I think

what you sort of, what draws you to a song more?

And some people are driven more by melody and some people are driven more by lyrics.

It's like what you hear when you listen.

No.

Okay, but that's not what I'm talking about.

And that's what I'm talking about from the TikTok.

But look, I haven't seen this TikTok.

I haven't had a chance to vet it, but I will say this.

I have enjoyed songs where I have like a squeeze song or something where I had no idea what the fuck they were saying.

Yeah.

Well, he was tempted by the fruit of another.

That's one of the easier ones to figure out.

Yeah.

But like pulling muscles from the shell is

extremely difficult.

Yeah.

Slap and shit.

Because in pulling Muscles from the Shell,

I feel like he's talking about Made Marion at one point.

I think I've thought that for decades.

What I think that's...

That's not it, is it?

That is what he's saying, yes.

He is saying Made Marion?

Yes.

Made with regard to the TikTok.

Like from Robin Hood?

Or just someone?

No, it's somebody he knows.

I mean, or someone made Marion do a thing.

You know what I mean?

No, no, no.

It is M-I-A-D Marion.

Okay.

I couldn't even tell you what that song's about.

Robin Hood does not get mentioned.

It's got to be mentioned.

It's not that the people who hear the lyrics always understand that.

Why do I understand?

that song passes the Bechdel test.

They don't always understand the lyrics, but they hear the lyrics.

I think some people don't even hear it.

Lauren, get off this.

Stop trying to brainwash us.

Whatever.

Who gives you a trip?

Stop trying to gaslight Paul at me.

This is CRT.

This is CTE.

You're trying to say, if I don't hear the melody, I'm a racist.

I get it.

I mean, hey.

I mean, I mean, hey.

what are the lyrics to that song?

I wake up, I look out, I say, hey,

my life is still

trying to get up there, rippy heel of hope.

Laura

we sang that on stage.

Laura and I sang that on stage together with

the throwing shape.

Brian Safi, Aaron Gibson, and Cole.

Scott really wants me to be a pop star.

Stratham.

I'm really stressed out.

No.

How?

How?

Cole Escola.

Cole Colescola.

School cold.

What?

Maureen, you said um and then you coughed.

Did you want to get our attention for that cough?

No.

Okay.

I definitely didn't.

Scott, because usually a lot of people cough to get attention.

I'm coughing because I have COVID-19.

It's a way to succeed in home.

What if you coughed to get our attention so we could hear your COVID cough?

God, you know,

you wouldn't want to hear it.

When it's bad, it's bad.

I hope you don't get COVID.

It really hurt my throat.

Thank you.

I do not want to get it.

It sucks.

I need this nice and lubricated.

I don't want to hurt it.

I was on a set

the last couple days, and

this was a

movie,

and I had a small part in it.

And so the day that I got there on a Friday.

uh for work and they i heard in the uh the hair and makeup trailer which is where you hear all the gossip

that the day before, oh no, this is when I went for my wardrobe fitting.

So we were away from set, and the wardrobe people were telling me the day before, nobody had masks on.

Like, because they were shooting outside, nobody was wearing masks.

And that seems weird for the crew to not have them.

It feels like

they're at a risk.

Absolutely.

And then the, so the parent corporation of this production found out and said, um, no, everyone has to wear masks all the time.

And so then when I, by the time I got to set, the crew was wearing them, but a lot of the actors were just leaving them off, you know, between takes, between setups.

It's getting loosey goosey out here.

It's getting loosey goosey, but not for me, baby.

I was fucking putting that thing back on.

I just feel like people are getting a little too comfy.

I know so many people who have COVID right now.

Yeah, I feel like I've heard a lot of people that I know got it.

So it's just like, it's not done.

It sucks to get it.

It's worth it to not get it.

I don't want.

And

we tried not to get it.

I just want to be very clear that no one.

Of course.

Just for the listener.

You weren't out there in these streets.

I didn't do anything even fun.

My gym makes me a little nervous, but the area where I work out has

a great body, by the way.

Hey, thank you.

So sick.

What?

In a good way, right?

His body is sick.

Thank you.

It's nice to hear from friends that I have a sick body.

Your body is sick, dude.

Like Harrison Ford, you're getting tantric.

It's so funny to me.

He's so tantric.

Oh, my God.

Harrison Ford is so tantric.

And Sting is so frantic.

Oh, he's like, what should I record?

God.

Should I do rock fail?

Should I do every breath you take?

I don't know.

Should I re-record every breath you take?

Every breath you take, every moon you make.

I want to go

to get it out of the way.

You laugh, Paul, but he did a re-recording album not too recently.

Did he really?

Yeah.

Did he just redo all of them with a loot?

Yes.

Just purely loot.

And he did it for the loot.

When's he going to go back to his real name?

What's his real name?

Gordon?

Gordon.

Yeah.

Gordon.

Gordon again.

Trust the Gordons, Fisherman.

Yeah.

What does he want?

Trust the Gordon.

The Gordon's Fisherman.

Well, that's with a T, of course.

We know that.

Right.

Oh, Gordons.

Yes.

But still, he should be that.

that he should be that

wearing the the bikini from doon

if wearing the bikini from dune but with a rain slicker and a rain hat oh man you and the slickers open so you can see the dune bikini he's like hi everybody it's me gorton

i've made some changes and i hope you like them this is my new thing and then all of his songs are like sea shanties and then he throws sand at the audience I mean, the sea shanties part is sort of what he's been doing lately.

Did y'all see Dune?

No.

No.

We watched it.

I guess you had to watch it on the big screen.

I guess you had to be there.

Yeah.

To watch it.

I guess you had to be in it.

I guess you had to be a sandworm.

I do want to go to the movies and I want to see everything.

Everything everywhere all at once.

So good.

I got to do that.

Dang.

We saw it.

I cried like a baby.

It was great.

It truly was everything.

It was funny.

There was great action in it.

It was poignant.

It was fucking, it was thought-provoking.

I loved it.

I've heard it fantastic.

The four things.

That's an alternate title of this show when Mary Holland comes on.

She's never coming on this show.

Why would you even tease people like that?

She is never coming on the show.

The only guest we will ever have is Paige Davis.

That's right.

I forgot.

Okay, when you're going to be able to do that.

Call us out.

I think it's good to reiterate the call, though.

Paige Davis, if you're listening, if you're people.

We know you're listening.

Paige, Paige, Paige, please, please come be our guest on Freedom.

We're not going to make fun of you.

We just want to have you on.

You're just going to shoot the shit with us.

We'll talk about whatever.

Paige,

we're not doing anything weird.

It came to this point where you are the only person we've said we'll have on.

We are not impractical jokers.

We are good guys.

No.

Speaking of true TV, Gabris and Adam Pally have a show that looks really fun.

I've seen that.

What is it?

It's them.

They go to travel to 100 places and party in them and tell y'all about what to do there.

How did they swing this?

I know, isn't that great?

What about if we just go and we have fun and you film it?

I mean, we don't have to do any tasks.

We don't have to build anything.

We literally just go and get fucked up and eat food.

That's how the insomniac used to be, right?

Oh, I love that.

Oh, yeah, what was that?

I feel like I was.

David Tell's show.

That show was so good.

It was, yeah, David Tell and he would go out after hours, just different towns, and see what was happening.

And it was really fascinating.

It was great.

Did you happen to read that Amy Schumer, since she had named her child after David Tell, his middle name was Attil.

But then after having the name for a while, she realized with his first name being Gene that it sounded like genital.

Gene Attel?

Oh, interesting.

And so she changed it to David.

She changed the middle name.

The middle name.

Oh, I thought she changed it to David Attell.

Jean David Attel.

No,

no, I did not read that.

Speaking of babies, I got to ask about that show that's on Netflix.

I can't remember what it's called, but I watched two episodes and I know you guys watched it.

What's it called?

It's called like grown up or something?

It's called Old Enough.

Old Enough.

Oh my God, it's so cute.

Paul, you haven't watched it yet?

It's when the little Japanese kids are sent on errands without hair.

I saw a trailer for this.

Yeah.

You watched two episodes and it was so cute.

Did you watch all of it, Scott?

No, I just watched the first two, but the first one just got insane.

This is what I'm saying.

It's crazy.

They send a two-year-old on a task in town.

To go a mile there and a mile back.

Walking, picks up the streets.

Crossing the streets and then brings them home.

You're talking like a toddler?

Two years.

Two years old.

Two years and nine months.

I have to watch this.

And then the second one, the kid's like three or four, but he's such a liar.

It's so funny.

And he's like,

he's sent on doing a task, and then he keeps lying and saying he's doing it, but he's not.

Kids lying is so funny to me.

Little kids, when they discover what, like, oh, you can just say a thing that's not true.

I'm going to do it all the time.

I don't know.

What crazy?

Maybe she lied about liking that movie.

Yeah, she was pretending.

She kept doing her movie.

She wanted to work with Lynn Menu at some point.

Oh, she like when she was watching the TV, big scowl on her face.

And then she turned around to you, like, uh-huh.

Hey, this is going great.

Now, there's no, there's like danger is not a component, right?

No, but I mean, there's also danger, but it does feel dangerous because the first kid is walking along the street it's like it just feels crazy

i don't know but you have you assume that there's people behind that you can't see that are kind of guiding to make sure there's nothing bad occasionally you do see them

but But yeah,

it did feel more dangerous.

When you know how like lax filming standards are there, it does feel like slightly more dangerous than it would be around here.

No one would ever do it here.

It would never, ever, ever happen.

This is a big question.

It determines whether or not I will watch this.

Please tell me it is not scored like any cute baby video that you see on Instagram.

It's a little bit scored.

Oh, no.

It's more like America's funniest home video.

It is.

It's a lot like that.

It's a lot like that.

And it has a narrator much like Bob Sagitt saying, like, hey, little baby, what are you doing?

Oh, no.

In English or in Japanese?

In Japanese.

In Japanese.

Perfect.

I love it.

So I posted like a video someone tagged me in of like a pizza vending machine in Japan.

Yes.

Where you can get a full pie, which we also saw in Italy.

I think we talked about it.

Got to be the best pizza imaginable.

But it looks fantastic.

And then there's like a part where like step three is like return the metal grate to the in this hole.

And I was like, that's our country.

We would never return the metal piece.

I mean, never, it would never go.

It's not a break around properly.

Yeah, I'm sure.

It would never go right.

And it would be like, we can't have that.

We can't have it.

It's very, when I think about stuff like that, it's very dispiriting to know that, oh, yeah, somebody would just trash this just for no reason.

We do live in possibly one of the worst countries.

Like, it's good for some reasons, but it's horrible for a lot of others.

When I was like 25,

I went on a date, and one of the first questions she asked me was, it took you that long?

Yeah.

That's embarrassing, dude.

Before then, I just fucked.

Oh, he got me.

Wow.

I was like, let's slow this down a little bit.

Why don't you ask me some questions?

But one of the first questions she asked me was,

when you go to a movie,

do you throw your trash on the ground or do you pick it up?

Were you going to a movie?

Or is she just asking this?

She was just asking me this as like a getting to know you question.

And I, I, it was the first time, I mean, when I grew up, that's what like, I mean, you see that madman scene where they go on a picnic and they just throw their trash on the ground, you know?

That's sort of the vibe of when I grew up is like, you know, everyone who went to the movies is like, oh, no, just put it on the the floor because they cleaned it up.

Yeah.

And so I was like, oh, you just put it on the floor, right?

And she's like, it's so disrespectful to the people who work there and like gave me a lecture essentially on our first date.

And I was like,

but I think about that all the time.

Now I'm like consciously always pick up my stuff and throw it away because

you should.

Well, the idea that, because there's certain, there are certain people that think, first of all, I don't think it's disrespectful to leave it on the ground because yes, that is their job.

So that's why it was like

kind of how it was.

Yeah, like back in the day.

It was like a treat for you, in a way.

Yeah, exactly.

Leave all your stuff and walk.

So it's not that it's disrespectful, it just helps them out

if you pick up your own shit and put it in the trash can.

I thought you were going to say it helps them out if you leave it so they have something to do.

No, but that's

the satisfaction of earning

people.

There are people that think that.

It's like, no,

nobody would ever complain if you did part of their job for them.

They wouldn't be like, oh, there's no trash in here.

I would love it if you guys picked up the slack for me on this show.

Oh, we pick up your trash all the time, dude.

You don't even realize it.

Yeah,

so here's a question for you: if you're staying somewhere, this just came to me.

If you were staying somewhere that there was a this just came to you, holy shit, you're brilliant in a hotel.

I know the way my brain works, it's like it's like just thoughts that come, and I can't explain where or how, but then I have things I want to say.

And if you were in a hotel and there was like a ghost rumored to be in the

I've been in a hotel where there is supposedly a ghost.

Me too.

Go ahead.

Now, do you spend the time?

I've been in a hotel where there's a vampire.

Okay.

Do you spend the whole time in your room thinking there's a ghost or looking for the ghost or thinking you hear a ghost or do you kind of forget about it?

Do you know what?

I stayed in the Stanley Hotel, which was the inspiration for the Overlook Hotel in the Shining.

That's in Colorado, Estes Park, Colorado.

Colorado, excuse me.

And that, of course, is supposed to be, yeah, Colorado,

Colorado and Nevada.

Colorado?

Colorado.

I've never heard this in my life.

You will hear it from people from Colorado.

Colorado.

Colorado.

Why won't you come to your

sanctions?

So, of course, that is supposed to be extremely haunted.

They love telling you that.

Right.

And you can take a tour and, you know, they'll tell you shit like, you know, these flower pots were set up here and then the night before and then this morning like they were all moved around or whatever and it's like I just to me I just hear that and I say well that's not true that's you're just you're just you're you're playing it up and in that hotel I would think that's not true yeah and so I never hotels definitely true I never felt oh other hotels are haunted as fucked well other hotels where it's like less of a big story like the shining is like such a big story that I feel like that's that's what we're talking about right the shining yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a hotel that I feel like

that is Austin.

That's where I stayed.

Yeah, that's haunted.

And I only heard it from the bartender.

It wasn't a thing where they talk about it or make a big deal about it.

The bartender just like told me a story.

He's like, oh, yeah, this place is haunted.

And then told me a story about it.

But that was it.

Was it a good story?

And did he tell it well?

Well, the more it went on, the more I realized he was just telling me the plot of The Sixth Sense where he was the boy.

No.

What?

And he was in a tent.

Hey, it takes skill to tell a good story.

You probably thought I was a ghost when you saw me.

I'm not, but guess what?

My best friend, Bruce Willis.

I will say this about

the Stanley Hotel.

One thing it was haunted by was the tour group that started outside my door every day.

Wow.

Wait, is it Stanley based on Stanley Kubrick?

I think it's Stanley Tucci.

Yeah,

the movie is based on the hotel, and the hotel is based on Stanley Kubrick.

So it's in the shape of his body?

Does it look like him?

It shaped exactly like him.

Exactly.

I stayed in the neck.

But they also have on two TVs in the bar, they have both versions, both filmed versions of The Shining playing on a loop.

So they have the Stanley Weber one?

Yeah, the Steven Weber TV version, which was, what, three nights in the city?

And do they sync up ever?

They sync up all the time.

All the time.

And then the bartender rings a bell and everybody gets free shots.

Wow, it's fun.

Yeah, it's real fun.

All right, we have to.

Do you you love doing shots?

Speaking of fun, love shots.

Speaking of fun and shots, we have to take a break.

Do you love doing shots?

We have to take a break, guys.

Okay, man.

Let's take a break.

This is the break.

Let's take one right now.

Don't record this part.

We're in the break.

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Hey, we're back.

Oh, Lord, you got me.

I hate shots.

And even with my COVID,

I was trying to do shots of

these wellness vials, you you know, some sort of little capsules from wherever the fuck, Whole Foods.

So it's not just alcohol.

It is just

the process of taking a little bit of liquid and drinking it.

Well, if it tastes bad.

Sure.

So I don't like how these shots taste, these wellness shots.

And I cannot, I will sip.

It's like sip.

I can't throw a shot down and just drink it.

I have to like sip.

I have to like taste it the entire thing.

I don't know how to just go straight back.

Do you like get it?

So essentially you get get it in your mouth first and then swallow.

Yeah.

As opposed to I can't just like throw it back.

Would you swallow the whole thing and then just ease little drops of it into your throat?

Or do you sip?

Like you drink the whole, the whole thing?

No, it's like I'll go.

Your cheeks are simple.

Your cheeks are simple.

It's like I'll go, I'll go sip.

You open your throat a little bit.

Sip,

cringe,

repeat.

That's so cringe.

Lauren, you just talked about cringe.

FML.

FML.

When I smoked, I realized at one point, I became conscious at one point of that I wouldn't inhale it directly.

I would sort of

gulp the smoke into my mouth and then like inhale it from there as opposed to just like breathing through the cigarette, which is.

But not like a French inhale of like.

It was almost like a French inhale, except it stays in there.

Yeah.

And

that would cause me to get hiccups a lot.

I was going to say, it seems like that would be bad for various reasons.

It was.

It sucked.

And I don't recommend it.

Do you love not smoking anymore?

Man, I love it so much.

And I still, whenever I have a dream about smoking, it is an anxiety dream.

It is not like I'm not enjoying it.

I'm not smoking again.

It is always like that, where it's like, it's in my hand, and I'm like, oh, no.

I started.

Yeah, I take a drag and then I go.

I stored it.

Oh, I stored it.

Oh, my perfect streak.

My stream streak.

No, this is like when Scott's internet went down and he lost some of his Peloton.

Oh, you're a listener.

I was

broke my wordle streak and I was so mad.

I was fucking.

My COVID made me have a fucking X out of six.

I almost killed the phone.

I was doing so good.

I had such a good streak going.

It was fucking pathetic.

Sorry, guys.

It's not cool at all.

I don't know how I feel about this, the screen filmal.

What is it called?

Filmal.

No, it's called Framed.

Framed, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That one.

I don't know if I'm like,

I'm just bullshitting when I get it right.

I'm just fucking around.

I don't know movies from a single frame.

I've only seen it five times.

It's 30 of these fucking things per second.

How are we supposed to know?

Like, it's like the one today was The Exorcist, and I've never seen that, but I got it because I'm like, well, it's a creepy lady sitting in a bed.

I'm like, yeah, you know.

I got that one on the second guess.

Wow.

What was the first picture?

What's the first one?

The first picture was like a

sunset.

A sunset.

It's always a fucking sunset.

There's so many sunsets.

Every movie is a little bit more.

Typing in Vietnam and hope a movie pops up.

Every sunset, I just put Lawrence in the Rabbi.

Just title.

Yeah.

There aren't a lot of movies who title Vietnam.

Yeah, wait, but what movie is Good Morning Vietnam set in?

What movie?

What is

Good Morning Vietnam set in?

That's what I just fucking meant, that there is a movie with Vietnam, right?

Okay, did you hear what you said and then we repeat it back to you?

No, but I'm saying, I searched Good Morning Vietnam.

Yeah, and that's no, I get that.

Never mind.

What happened?

What happened, Michael?

You said, what movie is Good Morning Vietnam set in?

Right, that's what I mean.

Like, it's all

Giant.

What movie is Good Morning Vietnam

set in?

Because I'm saying, you said there are no movies that with Vietnam in the toe.

I said, well, well, what movie is Good Morning Vietnam set in?

Yes, that doesn't make sense.

I'm still saying the same weird thing.

Wait, tell me more about how it's wrong, what I'm saying.

Okay.

I'm going to repeat a fact you want to.

Tell me what the movie's called.

Good morning Vietnam.

What the movie Good Morning Vietnam is called?

I actually do mean what I'm saying.

What movie is Good Morning Vietnam set in?

Said in.

Said in.

Oh.

I am glad we kept talking because you would have kept talking about how I'm so fucking stupid.

And I actually did say something that made sense.

You did, but it was your addiction, my dear.

I'm afraid you must go back to finishing school.

It's simply.

What a bookline you're in.

It simply is.

The Zoom is to blame, my goodness.

In what way is Good Morning Vietnam set in?

Great.

You're right.

What movie?

No, okay.

Now, sure, that makes sense.

My answer would be Good Morning Vietnam.

Vietnam in the title.

Yeah.

And are you saying Good Morning Vietnam was not in the approved list?

It wasn't, even though I've tried to guess it a bunch of times because I've hey guys, Louise Cabrera is calling me.

Should I answer?

Yeah.

I have no idea.

I like when it's a name.

Yeah, as opposed to just like, you know what I was frankly that people will have a name, but then it's like whoever pays the bill.

And then I'm like, this is TMI.

Like, it's someone I don't know, but it's someone I'm working with or something, for example.

And they're calling me.

And then it says, like,

you know, Jonathan Red Nikki is calling you.

And then I'm like, I answered, and it's like, it's a little boy or Red Mickey or whatever, you know, but it's like, don't do that.

Well, but do you think that they should list every single person who's in a household on the it's just a phone number and the okay

I think it is someone's name I think it should pop up like those enters on the back of the car

I think it should conk if you're calling and then the one that's calling should blink.

Do you think

the onus should be on the caller to press like two for this is the person that's calling?

Exactly.

Exactly.

The onus is on the caller.

Just didn't say a name because it throws you for a loop.

Well, like at our household, Kulop's name is on the bill, I guess.

In the middle of your street hold?

Do you guess she pays the bill?

Because

anytime I'll call people, people will say, like, Kulop?

And I'll go, oh, no, no.

It's see, and that's why I don't like that.

I apologize.

I don't think that's good.

See, because they're getting their expectations.

They set the bar very high.

They think, oh, I want to speak to Kulop now.

We're going to have this great conversation about what's in her cart.

And then you're on the other end, and you're just like,

comedy bing-bong, kulop.

What are you up to right now?

Hey, can you put Kulop on the phone?

Hey, I just wanted to.

I was just feeling lonely.

I wanted to talk on the phone.

Hey, so we're going to turn off your service if you don't pay this bill.

Also, it's cool out there.

Goodbye.

Well,

I don't need to be talked to like this

by the likes of you.

Are you talking to the guy on the phone or talking to the person?

Wait,

off Mike, we were talking about how Paul and I have both been independently going through our closets to purge clothing.

Yeah.

Are you having fun doing that?

No,

for me, it's always a very shameful experience because I buy things on

the side.

And then it's like, I never bought this.

I never wore this thing.

Are you a size queen?

No, the size, I am a size queen, and so I'm,

it's all my crowns that don't fit.

Um, I am, uh, I've, I've gone through like the size stuff already after my weight loss.

But that makes me feel better that you have

things.

What's that?

Makes me feel better that you have tags on things.

I have tags on things for sure.

No, I don't have tags on things because I think, oh, I'm going to wear this.

And then I don't, but I've taken the tags off.

Yeah.

Well, it's the same thing.

Yeah.

I have a tag on there, you know, a handful of things.

I have tags.

And there are things that make it through every time because I'm going, well, it still has a tag on it.

And then I thought, last night I just was really fucking ruthless.

And I went, you know what?

I bought that in fucking 2018.

I did not wear it all of these years.

I do not want to wear it.

And now I probably can't wear it.

So fuck this shit.

To me, I just picture the waste of money.

You know?

Yeah, I hate that.

It makes me sick.

Do you really think that's true?

It puts me in a bad mood.

Here's what'll make you feel better.

Oh, okay.

In addition to buying these clothes that you naturally buy, and we all do.

We all buy clothes that don't.

We all buy clothes.

You crumple up $200 a day and throw it in the trash.

And

you'll feel worse about that than the clothes thing after a while.

Okay, I get that logic.

It just feels so bad.

It feels

better.

It feels wasteful.

It feels wasteful.

I have tried to sell, but that's such a fucking, there's no way it's not a hassle.

There's no way.

It's always, yeah, it's always like getting all these different parties involved.

It's like you have to take all the measurements.

You have to take pictures, you know, all this

um so i just donate i just donate things yeah you have to you have to take first you have to take a nude picture then you take a picture of the clothes on then you take a picture of yourself nude holding the clothes next to you how much do you think like goodwill and places like that will cull the things that are given because i feel like it should be like i know all decent i'd also heard that from somebody that worked at goodwill years ago that i used to know that the way that's done is not, it's not

like entirely fair.

Well, they keep good stuff for themselves or whatever.

And, you know, I don't know.

It's not democratic.

And then they sell stuff.

Well, yeah, it's not Democratic.

The store does not get to vote.

It should be a meritocracy.

Yeah.

So

everyone should hold, they should hold up each item that's

donated, and then everyone should vote on which employees should get to take it home, who it's most like or who it's most for.

And then anything that doesn't get voted on can stay and and they can sell it yeah or goodwill should be just an auction house and you go in there every and they have auctions every hour you go in there they auction the stuff off and then whatever doesn't get sold you can have that if you're an employee like how often does goodwill donate up you know 5 000 shirts to like homeless people or something yeah i know it's like that'd be great like every hour usually

i don't know if they're if they're i don't know like the extent of the goodwill operation i believe it's just that's it.

It's the store.

So it's for people to get inexpensive clothing.

They know they can go to a place to get inexpensive clothing.

But I will say, I feel like in L.A., it's not cheap, Goodwill.

No.

The prices are not low enough.

They're not as low as they should be, yeah.

Isn't Goodwill also a charitable organization, though?

Yeah, but then people also say it's like bad or something.

I don't know what all the ins and outs are.

I don't know.

I haven't Googled it myself.

It's like how the Red Cross is problematic in some ways.

And, you know, people always say that.

But

they're like the name of charity.

They're the name of altruism.

But then you find out they suck just like everything else.

But I do, there are, there are, when I have suits, I will donate them to this company that, um, to this organization that gives suits to

homeless people who are trying to get jobs.

I love that.

I love when I can donate to a really specific cause where I think like, okay, this will actually get used and it won't just go in some pile.

Yes, this is their whole thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm about to have a big ass donation because I'm going crazy getting rid of some.

I'm feeling so good about it.

It feels great.

I'm just because I've been shoving clothes in my closet and then going, I don't wear any of this.

And it makes me feel bad about myself to see it all and to feel like I'm.

And a lot of that, a lot of it I have worn a lot.

It's just, you know, the pandemic kind of changed my style and all that stuff.

So I feel like my entire closet is aspirational.

Like, I'll get back to that.

Oh, I'll get back to that

at some point.

And the pandemic is over.

But then I was thinking that was not making me feel good.

So I know.

I was getting so close to that

place of like, there were a couple things that are like, oh, I'm almost there.

And then the holidays came and I gained a bunch of fucking weight back.

And now I'm trying to take that off.

And I'm trying, but the main thing is trying not to feel bad about it.

You know, that's how I'm trying to feel.

Yeah.

But I think that's good because then I was like, you know what?

I just have to like.

buy jeans that fit me right now and then wear the fucking and then feel good about that and then that's making me feel more excited and so then i'm like whatever happens next i'll get new jeans you know wearing clothes that fit you as opposed to wearing clothes that almost fit you it's such it feels so much better yeah it's me like dollars and it just looks better

yeah we should we should buy each other at a tailor sessions we should buy each other wardrobes and just see what kind of style i want scott to see they should give each other five thousand dollars

okay this is a good idea

this is a great idea it's a great idea if we each gave each other five thousand to do whatever we want with, yeah, nobody loses any money.

But we feel like you gifted it.

Emergency alert.

Oh, I have those off, I guess.

I'm not getting missing endangered elderly.

Oh, no.

No, silver alert.

Details, that.

I'm not going to click on those.

Unless the elderly wanders through my house.

I'm not going to see them.

I would absolutely see.

If they did, I'd be fascinated.

They're here.

I would click on that.

I have information leading to the capture of this old person.

Capture and arrest, hopefully.

Catch and release.

I have a ton of, like, I have probably a hundred podcast shirts because anytime we would make a shirt, I would get one.

And it's like,

and I'm never going to wear them because I don't want to be the person wearing your own shirt.

I know.

But I, but I want to honor the fact that

you make a quilt.

Aww.

We recently did that for my dad with some old shirts.

from his travels and

so nice i love that that's pretty much my mom he thought my mom donated donated the shirts, and he was like, fine with them being, he was like, okay, it's time.

I'm going to just donate that.

Do you want me to make a quilt for your dad?

Yeah.

Of all your podcasts.

I actually was going to do one of my podcast shirts too because I have a lot of shirts like that.

And I was like, it'd be cool to, or like from like shows or like, you know, things that I've done.

That stuff is really hard to part with, I find.

I think a quilt is a cute way to have it.

I think it's cute.

I think it's.

And it's like kind of special.

And you can just also fold it up into one box.

What if I have a suit made?

Of all the, oh, yeah.

It would be so comfortable.

What a comfortable suit.

Yeah.

It would be like pajamas.

Maybe I'll just make pajamas.

How about that?

Pajamas.

Paul,

I would like to see you wearing pajamas in the shape of suits.

And I know they have to make them, right?

Like three-piece pajamas.

Oh, I'm sure they do.

I'm sure.

They have to, right?

I'm sure they do.

I had a pair years ago.

Somebody made me a pair of double-breasted pajamas,

but they never quite fit right.

But

they were very cool.

They were like almost like a terrycloth material.

They snable pajamas.

Yeah.

They looked really neat.

Snapple-chested pajamas.

Skeeble, grobble, dubble.

I'm the hamburgler.

Snable, lobble, weeble.

Double business and single toil and lawyers.

Birgen, blinky, birking, boogin.

Yeah.

Definitely.

What is that?

Yeah, definitely.

No, I thought it was

the Offspring song.

Oh, they imitate it.

Why would they do it?

Offspring?

Come on.

Yeah, I didn't know

that was an imitation song.

That's fucking ridiculous.

That's dumb.

It's dumb.

You don't get to.

It's the first time I thought The Offspring wasn't the smartest band.

That's like

if you hosted a variety show and at the end you tugged your ear every time.

It's like, is this my homage to Carol Brown?

Is that epic that they did that?

Like, I don't know it.

I mean, it was a big hit.

It's

so epic.

Because it, which was well, it was a big hit when offspring did it.

Which

left did it

come out and play, I believe?

All right, is that the one where they yell or keep them separated?

It might

is it why don't you get a job?

I don't know.

Well, I'm sure someone knows, and they are tweeting at us now.

That guy, when I'm thinking about them now, that guy just he just yelled, right?

He just Dexter Holland, Dexter Holland.

Hey, he's he's got a doctorate in something.

You're the smartest frontman in rock.

What if he calls as a doctor?

What if he ever has a doctor?

When people have chemistry or something?

He's like, you got to keep them separated.

Your penis is a genital.

I'm talking about genitals.

Yeah.

I believe I went to his party.

Did you really?

I think so.

I think I did.

You went to his what?

Put your coats in the bedroom!

What?

Put your coats in the bedroom.

I thought you were telling Janie because she was still going through clothes.

You think that's how I talk to my wife?

How dare you?

Talk to Janie like Dexter Holland sings at us.

All right, we have to take a break.

Okay, good.

All right, we'll be right back with a three-track.

All right.

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And we're back.

We're singing about eyes.

These eyes.

The hurting's on me.

But I will never be free.

What song is this?

The guess Pooh, These Eyes?

Cry.

I don't have any guesses.

Just tell me.

Scott, this is fun.

It puts me in mind of Abbott and his friend Costello.

I believe I did this with on a certain show where I was talking about the band that sang American Woman.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

That sounds like you.

All right, it's time for a three-trip, guys.

It truly is.

And I'm ready.

And Scott, I can even read

this one to you and Lauren.

Yeah, go ahead.

That would be absolutely splendid.

Lauren, thank you.

Here it comes.

This was submitted by Elliot Mattson.

Does he turn into Shazam?

No.

That's a different Matson by the name of Batson.

Batson.

This is called Sitcom Heart to Heart.

and the theme song goes like this.

Lauren.

Sitcom heart to heart.

It's time to share your part.

Don't let out a fart because it's a sitcom heart to heart.

Perfect.

Thank you.

Players one and two.

Players one and two play.

I was like, just keep going.

Just keep going.

Players one and two play the parental figures of a late 80s, early 90s era sitcom.

They go into player three's bedroom.

Player three is the child to have a heart-to-heart talk with them about something that happened that day.

This is classic sitcom stuff.

The parental figures determine what the scenario is ahead of time to discuss with the child, and through their chat, condolences, admonishment, the child has to figure out what it is exactly that they did.

Great.

So the people who are the parents will text each other and agree upon what the event was, and then the third person has to figure it out.

So

whom should be the child?

Lauren and I will be parents.

You're the child.

I will be the child.

And the child, as we all know, is father to the man.

I'm texting you, Lauren.

Okay, great.

Here we go.

And since.

All right, there we go.

I have

hey, honey.

Hey, mom.

Hey, honey.

Can you want to put that down?

Do you mind?

Uh,

do you mind putting that down, honey?

Yeah, sorry.

What is it?

What are you playing with?

Um, you know, we're playing a game.

That's your penis is out.

What are you doing?

I was playing a sex game.

I thought it was a phone.

No, I have my phone next to my penis to play the game.

Paul?

For, like, to compare sizes?

Honey, we're getting off track here.

We have to focus on what's going on.

Okay, we're not here to punish you for whatever weird sex game.

We didn't even know you were doing that.

We'll punish you for that later, I guess.

Yeah.

Paul,

we heard about what happened.

Yeah, we heard.

You did, huh?

Yeah, they called.

They called me.

We're none too pleased.

They called you?

Yeah.

They called it.

Well, they texted first.

And then they called?

It was too many texts, you know, back and forth.

So we were just like, let's just pick up the phone and which one called?

Principal

Drex.

Principal Drex!

Yeah.

And he told us what

the people in charge of the whole thing said.

What do you call them?

The.

I don't know the terminology for

this hobby of yours, but Paul, this

you know, and

you know who's in charge, and you know what you did.

And I mean, we just, we think you're way too talented for that.

You're too talented.

You can't do this.

But I mean,

but do they say anything positive?

Well, I mean, they said you weren't.

Yeah, all they have to say is positive things other than what you did.

You could have.

Oh, from your tone, I thought something was wrong.

Well, the one thing that you did wrong is really wrong.

But I mean.

It's only a disservice to yourself and to us.

Yeah.

Well, it's a disservice to us because we're the ones who trained you.

And we put all the money into this.

Yeah.

It's a lot of money, Paul.

It's expensive for you to get your dorky glasses and your stupid outfit.

Yeah.

And

the actual, you know.

The board ain't cheap.

You know what I mean?

The board.

The little course, the board.

I can't

tell you who did that.

What did they tell you that I did?

Well, what do you think you did?

Don't trick us into

it.

I know I was there with my dorky glasses and my stupid outfit.

And the board.

And there was the board.

And I don't know.

I guess I just got nervous.

I don't think it's...

You got nervous.

I think.

I seemed like you were trying to help someone less fortunate or less intelligent than you.

And that's maybe not the right.

I saw this person and that made me nervous.

And so I thought, I got to help.

Why are you nervous to see you see this person every single day at school?

This is your

relationship to them.

You know what it is.

I don't want to put a label on it.

It's my classmate, I think.

Yeah, but a little more than a classmate.

Yeah, I mean, he's my friend.

Yeah, but a little more than, I mean, you know, like,

yeah, exactly.

Wesley is exactly.

You know, he's part of our family, but.

I know you guys love Wesley.

Sometimes I think you like him more than me.

We don't.

And we we actually

we might start we might start loving him more than you if you let him continue to let him excel in this area

yeah i know but i guess i felt bad for him because he's my best friend and all and i thought like maybe i should let him excel in this area instead of me for a change but you're the gene you're the genius I know, that's why I wanted him to feel like it.

Like,

he doesn't even know what the horse is called.

I know, but I told him that's the knight.

And you just imagine a knight riding on him and he rides all over that chessboard.

Then he talked about David Hasselhoff and Knight Rider for like four hours.

That's not on me.

That's not on me.

I mean, that shows in reruns, so we see it.

I guess so.

Kit, all that.

Yeah.

The whole thing.

But look,

we pay the money so you can go out there and prove it to schools that you're a genius.

I know, but I I thought, you know, my friend Wesley, he never gets a chance to do this, so I gave him my outfit, my stupid glasses, and I let him impersonate me in the big chess match.

Well, that was the weird part that we didn't hear about.

Oh, shit.

Nobody told me.

Forget I said that.

So you're just swapping outfits with Wesley.

That video of you doing.

Or were you naked after you gave him the outfit?

What were you saying, mom?

That video I saw of you doing the six flags dance, like that old man.

Yeah.

Or whatever the song is.

So that wasn't you?

No, that was me.

Wesley was holding the camera.

So wait, so

you gave Wesley your outfit.

Yeah.

And you dressed up like the old man in the six flags.

No, that video is old.

That video is old.

That's nothing.

Sorry, I just got TikTok.

Okay.

But look,

my mom's on TikTok?

Oh, no.

Waiting to see my dance.

No, mom.

Everybody's talking about the way that it was.

Well, look, Paul,

these things are important because

if you get noticed,

if you get noticed by winning these, it can open up colleges.

You know, I mean, you can't just do what you did, you know, and let Wesley.

Right.

So that's what you're mad about.

I let Wesley impersonate me for the Chester.

No, we didn't know about the impersonate.

That part's weird.

We're mad at you because you let him win.

Are we just saying it?

Oh, I thought he already did say it, basically.

I let him win.

You forfeited.

You threw the whole thing.

Well, but it did for good reason.

I mean, what's it doesn't ever feel smart.

I thought, what if I left us more for a change?

Are you going to cry?

Yeah.

I didn't raise a pussy.

I did.

Thank you, honey.

She also married one.

And that's a sitcom, whatever it was.

Wesley's friend was filmed before a live studio audience.

Wesley's in it.

The show is called Wesley.

Wesley's hardly in it.

Talk about it a lot.

It's a spin-off, but it's like.

I don't think I actually said it.

I think I was close, but Scott did, I think, just let me know what it was.

Yeah.

And then I did too.

Yeah, you confirmed it.

I mean, I was dancing around it.

You just

talking about.

Everybody's talking about.

I just got a

text.

Excuse me.

I'm Eileen.

Is this Mr.

Jason's phone number?

Mr.

Jason.

Obviously, yes.

What if she's calling Jason Momoa?

Oh, Jason Momoa.

You can pretend to be him.

It's me, Aquaman, innit?

King of the seven seas.

All right, so now, do you want to do it again?

I don't know.

Let's do one more.

Let's do one more.

Let's make it a little tighter, and I do want to rest my old peepers.

Who wants to be the child?

I'll be the child.

Okay.

Okay.

You want to text me the thing?

Yes, Scott, I do.

Oh, boy, Lauren.

What's up?

I have a daughter, Lauren.

Hey, Lauren.

Oh, it's a daughter.

Your dad and I...

We need to talk to you about something.

Lauren, we got to talk to you.

What?

I'm in the middle of something.

What are you doing?

It's not what you did before, is it?

No, I'm recording shows over your favorite home videos.

What?

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Recording your own?

I'm recording like Dawson's Creek onto a tape that has your precious home videos.

No, not Dawson's Creek.

Regional.

It's where I'm from.

Listen, honey, we have to talk to you about something very important.

What is it?

Well, it's your behavior.

Yeah, mine.

Eat rocks.

Hey, we don't say that in this house.

Go ahead.

It doesn't really make sense.

If you need a refresher, go out front and read the sign.

What doesn't make sense?

Because you wouldn't eat rocks because they don't taste good.

Yeah, no one would eat rocks.

So did you know what's going on?

You know what's funny?

Because I think the first thing I think is how they would break your teeth.

I don't even think about the taste, but they probably would also taste very bad.

Listen, no more of your goddamn honey.

We have to talk to you about something.

Sit there.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Fine, what?

Do you remember what you did on

Sunday?

What?

When I ate all Halloween candy and then barbed it up into your closet?

You did that on Sunday?

I don't know what day it was.

I'm just a kid.

I don't have a calendar.

Well, you know what you did on Sunday because Sunday is why you did it.

Oh, yeah.

It happened on Sunday.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, did you ever not want to go to church?

Yeah, you let everyone know it.

Well, so.

You ruined church for everyone.

Why?

Because I ate the Eucharist.

No.

On the stage.

I think it was a little bit bigger than that.

Yeah,

it was bigger than you going up on stage at church.

Oh, wait, what?

Because I got up on the cross and then did my little like dance?

No.

You did that too?

Thank God no one's alive to me.

Don't like hearing about that.

Yes.

Well, then, what did I do?

I mean, what?

What was

that?

When I got in the pews and

used my knees to kind of walk like I was going down the pew, little like bench thing.

No, people like that, actually.

That actually was a good hit.

Yeah, before the tragedy, we stop guessing.

Stop guessing for a second, honey.

And let me just talk to you.

You know, when I was about your age, I did something that got everybody so mad at me, I thought no one would ever like me again.

What did you do?

Oh, I stabbed a guy in the bank.

But when I confessed, where's the dunk?

The bank on fifth.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you mean inside a bank?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I went inside the bank and I stabbed one of the banks.

No, I thought when you said stabbed him in the bank, I thought sounds like you guys have some workout.

Why would you think that?

That's weird.

We'll talk about it.

I thought it was a cool new hip slang term for like a nose in the old bank.

Hey, hey,

ow.

Don't ever close the door.

We don't close doors in this house.

I'll take it off the goddamn hinges.

You should to close doors because every time you take a shit, it fucking sucks.

You should to close doors.

You should to close doors.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just sound like a fool

anyway

after i confessed what i had done

people were mad but they forgave me and i realized what i did was wrong even the person that you stabbed forgave you no he didn't make it and

i confess

okay this yeah i mean your father your father only did that to one person you did it to everyone i drank the wine and stole the money from the basket this is getting worse and worse this is worse and worse before what you did All right, give me a hint which thing I'm supposed to talk about.

It's a fucking maniac.

That's the biggest thing that kills everyone.

This is huge and you can't remember it.

When I...

What?

Listen, now no one will ever be able to go to church again.

And we're never going to be able to do that.

Because I burned a church down?

Yes, you dumb little creep.

So what?

You're a nightmare.

I've got to meddle their fun stuff first.

Everyone was inside.

But they didn't die.

Yes, yes.

You're a mass murderer.

That's a really bad thing I did.

We're the police.

Wait, wait, by the way.

Are you confessing?

You're not dad and dad?

Well, we are, but we're also cops.

Yeah.

We've been working undercover my whole life, waiting for me to do something bad.

We had a bad feeling about you.

We started going to the police academy in secret, and we just got our badges.

Oh, wait, you actually went?

I just watched Police Academy.

Same thing.

I mean, you really don't have to go that long.

They gave me the badge, anyway.

Yeah, they give you a fucking badge and a gun.

Yeah.

Anyway, Anyway, hold on,

you're under arrest.

Cuff me up, Daddy.

You're going to be tried like an adult.

That was fun.

That was fun.

I like that one.

I loved it.

Well, guys, it was great to see you.

Lauren, feel better soon.

I hope so.

If there's not another episode next week, it's because Lauren perished because that's not Jesus Christ.

Fair to say.

I don't like that at all.

No, no, no, no, no.

Or she quit, or she perished.

Maybe.

Oh, that's true.

Someone like us could die at any moment.

Nothing is promised.

All right, everybody.

Stop listening now.

But before you do, please know that we love you and that we are ThreedomUSA on Twitter and Instagram and threedomusa at gmail.com if you would like to send us a fucking free chair idea.

Thanks for listening.

And if you want to hear ad-free versions or the archive, head over to StitcherPremium or CBBWorld.com.

And go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Why do we do what we do?

What makes life meaningful?

My name is Elise Lunan, and I'm the author of On Our Best Behavior and the host of the podcast, Pulling the Thread.

On Pulling the Thread, I explore life's big questions with thought leaders who help us better understand ourselves, others, and the world around us.

I hope these conversations bring you moments of resonance, hope, and growth.

Listen to Pulling the Thread from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.