Threevisiting: I Hope Everyone's A Mummy

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I'll see you in your dreams.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Yeah, and look at us now.

Like, we're all grown up.

We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

But for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you.

From Lemonada Media, a live with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Freedom!

I yelled freedom out out loud.

Gonna do it again.

Freedom!

I've done it twice, and I think I got one more indie.

Freedom!

Wowie, Zoe, that's a lot to process.

Do you re-

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what they said.

Do you remember when we tried to do the theme song live, that one live show that we did?

Yeah, what happened?

Boy, it did not work.

Why, what happened?

I don't remember.

You're gonna scare Scott away from doing another live show, show, which we're always begging him to do.

Yes, I think we maybe we did not properly explain what needed to happen.

Oh, or maybe they started it without telling us.

Without telling us, and it just started and went three of them, and then we

three of them.

Isn't that interesting how you just don't remember some stuff and you just keep going?

But isn't it interesting how you do remember some stuff and you keep going?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

What did I think of the other day that I was like, why do I still remember that?

It sounds like you forgot.

Yeah,

I think that we should should

do a live show.

I think so, too.

Please.

I think so, too.

Maybe.

Fucking yes.

Dynasty typewriter.

Look, we could do a tour as well.

That's a tall order with this baby.

It's a tall order.

And by the way, that's why the tour was so jam-packed for the comedy band before.

Full of fun, but it was why we did so many shows instead because it was like a last-minute thing of like, oh, okay, the baby's coming.

Okay, let's do this tour as soon as we're going to be able to do it.

If we went on tour, I feel like we could do like one weekend here, come out for a few weeks, one weekend.

A few few weeks no momentum baby but we could also quite simply do a live show and stream it and you know have fun and make some money and i'll say that sounds cool why do you say no i know it's your deal you think you played hard to get you're a real bitch we've been trying to get you for a long time well it's very hard i'm gonna set the date

save the date what is it it's gonna be december 31st or it's gonna be

in the new year

and it's gonna be cooler than you think speaking of holidays.

I know I'm pressured to shop as we all are by consumerism.

Speaking of holidays, were we speaking of holidays?

Thanksgiving.

Yeah, I mentioned New Year's Eve.

Oh, you're speaking of.

It's Thanksgiving today.

Special Thanksgiving episode of 3DOM.

We gather together to sing the Lord's praises.

Wow, that's a deep cut.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

What are you doing for this Thanksgiving?

What are you doing today?

I will say I typically don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Really?

As a protest against?

Well, I do feel now that I agree with that.

It's mostly been that over the years, it hasn't meant that much to me.

And I've kind of just let it.

Yeah, I mean, has there ever been a person alive even nowadays who like celebrates Thanksgiving of like, oh, thank God that like this country exists.

This and then that.

It's all about family now.

I stopped going home for that holiday.

And so then Mike and I kind of, we like to travel.

This won't happen this year, but we went to, we were in Japan on Thanksgiving.

We were in Germany.

No, we were in Germany.

And I've been in London on Thanksgiving.

I like to just be other places.

Yeah, but not this year.

But not this year.

We're going to just be with Holly.

It's Holly's second Thanksgiving.

I don't recall what happened last year.

But I'll probably try to cook a little bit.

Did you dress her up like a turkey?

It's not, you know what?

I like the parade.

It's hard to dress your baby up like a turkey.

Don't dodge the question.

Did you dress her up like a turkey?

It's hard.

Didn't I like the parade?

It's hard to do.

What is Lauren?

Why are you doing that?

Maybe I'll cook it.

i like the parade did you accidentally put holly in the oven thinking it was the turkey were you on acid and she was so juicy

um

no i i just don't really care so no thanks it's just not something and because your family other than they celebrate and they get together and i always did my home but i mean you're in los angeles yeah you're with mike and holly all the time yeah and then we had two pandemics thanksgiving very anticlimactic my anticlimactic climate climatic yeah something wrong and i um I just probably will.

It's going to be low-key.

I'm like, maybe we'll, maybe we'll hang out.

You're going to watch Loki?

I'll watch Loki.

It's fun.

I watched it.

I'm a parade, though.

Mike hates parades, and I like parades.

Nacy's parade is what you're talking about.

I hate parades, but I do watch the paradise.

I love to get up and watch the what's the deal?

What's the deal with the Hollywood Christmas parade?

Okay, is Toys for Tots like a weirdo right-wing Christian organization?

I don't know, but wait, what are you doing?

Every single person,

every single person who's on that parade is like Eric Estrada, Dean Kane, like all these like weirdos.

Right.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

It's Emeralds first.

Her first.

And I don't know that she's going to understand it, but we're going to drill it into her head.

She'll probably get it.

I think she'll understand it.

And she'll understand the pros and cons.

Pros and cons.

She may sit this one out.

Yeah.

She may say, give him what I know.

She's like, I just am not ready to make a decision about this.

Her grandparents will be there.

That's very nice and special.

That is very nice.

Three of them

will be there.

Wow.

That's right.

Okay.

Three full grandparents.

I'm hearing you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In the same room.

So that's interesting.

So that's interesting already.

This has never happened before.

Usually it's like one at a time.

They've always missed each other to the point where you thought one of them was pretending to be

spent much time together.

That would be so weird if your dad dressed up like your mom.

I would be.

It was like a Mrs.

Doubtfire thing where like your mom where like you thought you had two parents.

Yeah, I think I was thinking it was Kulop's mom dressing up as one of them or vice versa.

I just think it's not that your dad was dressing up as your mom.

Yeah, you thought you had two parents, but it always, ever since you were a kid, it had been your dad and then your dad leaves the room and dresses up like a mom and comes back in.

Just because it's like a two-parent household is more stable.

I mean, you could, you could get away with it for a while when they're, when they're babies with just a wig.

You sure?

You won't have to be that elaborate.

Maybe some blush.

Well, I'm saying you like there's so little you don't have to be that elaborate with it but if you want to change your voice can i say how you want yeah as i get older of course

holly was playing with my blush brush today i let her have it but then she was dragging it all over the bathroom floor and the kitchen floor oh goodbye to that brush yeah i was just like this is this is yours now yeah

what do you let you can't let her play with everything right but if she gets fixated on something is it like it was sort of like it's kind of i was getting ready so i was kind of like oh here just take this it's kind of soft and i'm just painting everything with it and then like it's just getting all sorts of new bacteria because i certainly don't wash it enough to begin with are you gonna let her play with mike's gun um

i mean uh you know supervise he talks about that gun all the time let's just be very clear he does not have a gun and we don't he says i keep it in the drunk drawer nobody's gonna look there

the drunk drawer

drawer is a great place to have a gun yeah

um like drunk

a junk drawer i know but i mean come on i like the idea though of like this is stuff that i throw in there when i'm drunk

I've been using it and I just throw it in there.

And I look at the end of the year.

Are you surprised by how many people you know that do have a gun?

You know what?

I don't, at this point, I don't know how many people that is.

I don't know exactly.

I know definitely.

There's a few people that I definitely know.

I'm trying to remember the last time I was surprised where somebody told me, I was like, really?

Yeah.

I think people should be allowed one and they should not be assault weapons.

Yeah, obviously.

Look, we can all agree, guns, they're great and what a great invention and certainly we need them i mean we all agree they go pew pew

could not agree more

i actually disagree you disagree that they don't go pew pew

good job were you happy when you were able to imitate a gun Of course I was.

How did you just do that?

Elated.

How did you do that?

It's where you're like,

you're clenching your teeth together and then forcing air out of your larynx, but then something's going on with your tongue.

Bill Nye over here.

He's literally the science guy.

I'm literally.

I remember once in an interview with Janine Graffolo.

You're really the science guy.

Jeannie Graffolo, they asked her some dumb question.

Like, what's the biggest difference between

male comedy and female comedy or something?

And she said,

I don't really know that there's that much of a difference.

uh i guess men are better at making gun sounds

interesting that's true is it true that's honestly my big takeaway from comedy bang bang women are just as funny as men but men make better gun sounds yeah interesting sometimes it's just that simple absolutely

sometimes it's just as simple um what are

you friends giving people

real

close close knit with janie here's well we're i used to go home for thanksgiving as well and then stopped that after a while because I was also going home for Christmas.

Traveling at that time is the problem.

We've talked about it.

Thanksgiving's too close to Christmas.

Way some out.

Hey, I forget which episode it is.

We reorder the holidays.

It was, I think, really a great job.

Actually, what I'm thinking about this in kind of a fresh way.

I don't think this is how I thought about this.

Signing.

We have at this time, Halloween is at the end of October.

November has Thanksgiving.

It's three weeks until then.

You have Christmas.

Actually, my thinking is we need one at the end of every month that's good and different.

Oh, wait, you want a good one like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas every month.

Yeah.

Here's what I was thinking.

I really would like that.

The other day, because Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Halloween and Christmas, the two main ones where you celebrate it all month long.

Like you start at the beginning of the month, you put out decorations or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is maybe you bought some shit or whatever.

You leave up some leaves from your Halloween.

Where's your horn planting?

But like St.

Patrick's Day, it's in the middle of the month.

The one thing I would say is

July 4th, you get flags, American flags,

for maybe a month before.

Yeah.

Maybe a month before, but then they're, yeah, but it's like

I think that one should count as a good one because it's got, you got fireworks if you do it right.

You like it because your birthdays buy it.

Yeah.

But actually, I would say I always loved Fourth of July fireworks, but let's put it at the end of the month, though, in your plan, because then you have it to look forward to yeah july 31st independence day is at is the end of the month so those are the four good ones i think okay but what what would be a good holiday like what do you like about these holidays like it's got to be different too because halloween you can't just replicate halloween of like halloween two

season of the witch it's got to be like you can't just you can't just dress i watched the original

recently and it was really good which one the first one

the the original yeah yeah it's good i had seen it before but I also forgot everything about it, and I thought it was fun.

But what would...

What would you like to have a holiday have?

I would like...

Okay, well, you know what?

I was just thinking.

Hava, hove.

That's a great question.

I love how you phrased it.

I just was in Canada, and they have a new holiday that the government decided called Family Day.

Oh, yeah.

They were like, you could go a long time without a holiday.

So the government said we needed one here.

And now it's Family Day.

I'm like,

what?

How sweet could something possibly be?

What do you do?

What are you supposed to do?

It's cute.

I assume you hang it with your family.

Okay.

Are there trappings like what we're talking about of like certain ways to decorate?

With a family, there's always a trap or two.

Yeah,

conversationally.

What?

John M.D.

So it's February 20th,

and let's see.

February 20th.

Okay, so this is good.

Although

Valentine's Day, should that country do it?

And make it February 28th?

I actually think it's too close to Valentine's Day.

It's actually

stupid.

I know we've already gone over this.

I love the holiday.

but I love all holidays.

Okay, on Family Day, many people plan and take part in activities aimed at the whole family.

These include visiting art exhibitions, watching movies, skating on outdoor ice rinks, playing board games, and taking part in craft activities.

Okay, craftivities!

There's got to be some way to decorate it, you know what I mean?

Got to be.

And also, not all of Canada celebrates.

Nearly two-thirds of Canadians reside in a province that observes a statutory holiday on the day.

Canada, get your shit together.

Wait, a statutory holiday that?

On the third Monday of February.

So it's not February 20th.

It's the third day.

It's always a Monday.

It's always a Monday.

That's good.

So you can have a three-year-day weekend.

Yeah, I like that.

Nice.

Nice.

I like that.

I think it's really thoughtful.

On Valentine's Day, you don't get the day off.

Like, Valentine's Day has the hearts.

You're not being able to make love

with your whole family.

Ew.

Not all in the same room.

No.

Really nasty.

But all at the same time.

Everyone is in a different room.

Valentine's Day has the hearts.

St.

Patrick's Day has the Shamrocks.

Thanksgiving has the turkey and all the vegetables.

So what are you going to do on Thanksgiving Day?

What do you do on Family Day?

Like you have the

little stick figure

and say you love each other.

Tell me about your Thanksgiving.

Soon was your Thanksgiving.

Tell me about your Thanksgiving.

I'm just a little curious.

This year, we have usually been at home for Thanksgiving.

Sometimes we'll be with friends.

Sometimes we'll have friends come over to our place.

We we spent one Thanksgiving alone, and it was kind of great.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Once we discovered how fun it was to just not make any sort of pressure on the situation, we were like, Oh, this is awesome.

It was no pressure.

We had Thanksgiving food, no, that's great, but it was just the two of us.

It was just you, I made a ton of teachers.

Yeah, we made the same amount that you usually would have for a Thanksgiving dinner for the table, yeah.

Um, but this year uh finds us in Philadelphia.

Oh, home of the Phillies, home of the Phillies, the Eagles, the Flyers, the Union.

To what end are you there?

I'll tell you.

No.

I just did some shows in

Brooklyn, the Bell House.

Did some variatopias, and I thought it's the weekend before.

I'm just looking.

What are you doing?

My face was in my turtleneck and I think I looked

at you.

And it looked weird.

You had your turtleneck Robbie Williams style up to your nose?

I had it, Dina Carvey style, turtle, turtle.

And

so I decided, well, I haven't been to Philly in a while, so why don't we take the train down?

We'll stay in Philly for a week after the show.

And do you get a hotel or an Airbnb?

What do you do?

Get a hotel.

It's tough because my family is all in the suburbs.

Right.

But there's not a lot of hotel options out there.

Are you going to be spending Thanksgiving, though, with family members?

Well, here's the thing.

I don't know.

You haven't alerted them to the fact that you'll be there.

Oh, I have.

Oh.

I have.

And my sister Ruth, who traditionally has hosted Thanksgiving, has said, oh, I won't be in town.

Interesting.

And I said, well, maybe we could all get like a dinner, you know, earlier in the week before you go.

And she goes, that sounds great.

Nobody has said, well, here's what we're doing.

Maybe everyone's psyched that Thanksgiving is coming and going without Ruth.

Maybe they are.

Making them go over to her house.

No, no, no.

That's scuffs.

But maybe

we're going, what are we going to do?

We get to kind of be free.

We get to not do.

Like, everyone's like, what would my dream day be?

I want to go to the millions.

I want Chinese food.

You only get so many Thanksgivings.

So true.

You know what I mean?

So true, bestie.

But at the same time, the pressure of having to do one every year is like, maybe this year they're kind of like, let's take one.

Oh, they might be, but they should tell me this.

Where did Ruth go?

She works, she works for a travel agency.

She'd go anywhere.

She's like, Holy shit, what if I did this?

She fucking, that's exactly it.

She travels all over the place.

She's flying.

Oh, yeah.

I think I could do that.

Yeah.

It's really cool.

That's great.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's actually awesome.

Well, that's going to be fun.

So you might have like a Philly cheesesteak.

I might.

Or a hoagie.

I might.

We might go to Wawa for Thanksgiving.

I don't know.

It's funny that I don't, I still don't know.

I guess I have to really come out and ask them, hey, does anyone have any plans?

And they're like, shit.

I think they're.

So do you text?

Do you have family text chain?

Yes.

And so you could ask on that?

Or how would you

approach that?

I would ask on that.

Or would you call someone personally and ask?

Call.

Why are you interested in the process?

Because I'm curious how people communicate.

I would text.

We're on a WhatsApp.

I'm a robot.

Oh, encrypted.

Is that true?

No.

We're on a WhatsApp thread because one of my sisters lives in Germany.

I love that.

Ah, Wundabar.

How did she end up living in Germany?

Well, I'll tell you, she moved from Philadelphia.

This is my oldest sister, the first in the family.

There are a lot of Nazis.

She

could have stayed in America.

Oh, that's right.

She moved first from

Philadelphia to first to Allentown, where she went to college.

It's a bit on the nose if you're listening to the song.

Exactly.

That's the sound of metal hitting metal, by the way.

That's right.

Yeah, that's.

And then she moved

from the song Allentown.

Do you know, I had a memory recently of

staying overnight at her apartment downtown Philadelphia.

And

she had a guy stay over one night

and the next day was like

don't don't tell don't tell mom that he stayed over how old were you like okay I was I don't know how old how old was she though

she was 11

she had her own apartment and he was her teacher I mean she was very precocious um how she must have been in her early 20s okay yeah that age where it still is like look I know I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want and I am doing what I want mom was so religious at that time.

You know, she didn't want to deal with the whole thing.

Of course, um, but yeah, I've forgotten about that.

Yeah, but I kind of remember her apartment.

It was very, I remember being, I remember thinking it was so cool to have a living space in the city.

Yeah, oh, yeah, it's awesome.

Yeah, was there, was it like that apartment in Flash Dance where it's like a whole like

city block, yeah, it was just a whole and then wait, she went to Germany?

No, then she went to

sex with this one guy, and she's like, I can't,

I I got to reward this dude forever.

She moved to

Redondo Beach, California.

I do know this.

My neck of the woods.

But did she have a job that took her to Germany?

I'm getting to it.

Why?

It seems like you will

have to wife.

Didn't you ask how did she end up in Germany?

Well, I kind of am curious when someone moves to another country, how they make it happen.

Do you want to rephrase?

And I'm trying to tell.

Did she get there with a work visa or how did she make it happen where she was able to be in this country living?

I'm giving you the whole goddamn thing

and you're gonna like it okay

redondo beach it's 1994 she meets a guy

she meets a guy uh from new zealand they started a relationship

hoy i'm okay

i'm absolutely hi

He sounds so is he okay?

My wife is deathbed.

My wife.

Wife?

So then they moved to London together.

Wow.

Okay.

How did that account?

That's not Germany.

I literally wonder how you can be an ex-pat.

I'm trying to

fucking tell you.

How is she living?

She's not pat anymore.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's so literally.

Oh.

Okay.

So then.

They started a business together in London called Friends in London, which was for travelers.

They would come to London.

It was like, it was a little bit ahead of its time that they would be like a sort of concierge service for you.

Cool.

To sort of do what a concierge service does.

Exactly.

Theater tickets.

Their relationship did not last.

Oh, they remained friends.

Wow, impressed, honestly.

But she loved living in London, and so she stayed there.

She got a job, you know, all that.

Somehow, she, I don't, I, she went through all the the stuff you have to go through, I guess, to stay up.

It was a little, I think it was a little less.

That's a test that the queen administers.

That's right.

Who's on the money?

And what are these jewels called?

I'm pointing at myself.

Who has two thumbs and is on the mummy?

On a mummy?

On a mummy.

Do you think she's a mummy now?

Oh, I hope so.

I hope so.

I hope so.

I hope she made her a mummy.

I hope they're all mummies.

I hope everyone's a mummy.

Because it's like

toot in common.

You know, toot and common.

Toot in common.

Toot in common.

It's like if two people fart at the same time, they have a toot in common.

Very good.

Very good.

That'd be a good, like, laughy-taffy joke.

A good one?

What happens when two mummies?

A good one or a typical one?

What do you call it when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot in common.

Tootin common.

How do you spell it, though?

You have to spell it out.

You'd have to spell like toot and common and then do the parentheses.

I think it only works out common.

I would think it only works out loud.

Yeah, you say it out loud once you read it.

Lauren?

That's how it gets.

You got to read it to your friends.

That's how the oral tradition continues.

You don't think laughy taffy jokes are being laughy taffy.

Are we at Germany yet?

No, because we're coming up on a break.

So she's in London.

Hi.

She is.

And it's all taken off.

She is also a singer, and so she's singing.

Wow.

Perfect joke.

Perfect example.

Close.

Oh.

Very good.

So she is singing with like this, essentially, like a,

you know, like a party or an event orchestra.

You know, like this big band that you would hire out for a huge event.

She's the vocalist.

You both sing.

Everyone in the family sings, except for my little brother.

So you could have a little bit of a orchestra.

A family combo.

We could have a family band if we wanted to.

I'd actually like to see that.

Who wouldn't want to see a middle-aged elderly family band?

What if you guys opened for our three of them together?

No, Variatopia,

Call Variatopia, Family Reunion.

Yes.

Sing a song together.

Do you know Caitlin Tarver did that with her family?

Really?

Yes, yes, yes.

She had them all sing on one of her tracks.

Wow, that's amazing.

I think the Wainwrights did that.

A family of talented singers.

It's just amazing.

It's fun.

So then she's in this band.

She starts a relationship with the drummer of this band.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Men will take you around the world, is what I'm hearing.

Men will take you around the world.

If you get involved with a band, you make up with a guy, you're in a new country by morning.

Well, they lived in.

Because you're lucky.

They lived in London for many years.

Then they got married and they moved to Germany.

Here comes the bride.

That kind of thing.

Scott's on fire, too.

It needs to be said.

He's nailing every single thing.

Press a button at each like.

Exactly.

So then, that, of course, is the sound of the Fisher Price barn door opening.

It's a great sound.

It's like a bleat.

I love it so much.

Yeah.

I used to open and close that door all the fucking time.

I love it.

I'm trying to really slow it down.

I feel like I'm worried we've talked about this, but I love the turning it upside down and a moo.

Oh, that's it.

I love those little canisters.

I love those.

That was so great.

Why was it so great?

2020.

It was satisfying.

And how was it made?

It was satisfying.

Oh, no one knows.

I know.

There's an actual cow on there.

So they get married.

They move to

Munich.

Paul, how much longer?

We need to take a break.

That's not my fault.

I think we should take the break.

That's not my problem.

All right, we're taking a break.

We'll be back.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

Doo-da-da-da.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots.

I've seen you so furious.

I'm mad, but I'm getting happier.

The quality holds up, and the price still blows me away.

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I'm Hussin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you.

I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

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Parenting expert Dr.

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Listen to Hussin Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back.

Paul Fisher moved to the fucking story.

They get divorced.

No!

Yay!

Congratulations.

They have a child.

They're a ghost.

Yeah.

No longer a bride.

That's not a thing.

I can't give you that one.

They should, when you get divorced, they should play the dun-dun dun-dun dun dun backwards.

And then it makes you like your eyes roll back in your head.

Yeah.

And Satan comes,

I'm here.

I did all the sins, sweetie.

Satan?

Satan, everyone's so scared of him, but he can't even like appear unless you do like certain things.

I'm so scared of him, but he's like a little red little devil.

He's like a red little bitch.

Everyone's so scared of him, but he lives in literally hell.

Hell, it's like, dude, get an apartment.

Go on house hunters and get whatever you want.

Yes.

You choose to live there?

Yeah.

No, thank you.

Kind of lame.

Okay.

Go ahead.

So they get divorced.

They do have

that child.

How did he feel about the divorce?

How old was he?

He felt good, right?

I feel like he was still pretty little.

So he wasn't totally.

yeah i think he was under 10.

did the dad ever do a mrs doubt fire where he dressed up he does it to this day and everyone knows it's him it's mortifying it's really stressful yeah

because you can't make it stop mrs doubtfire is about a guy who dresses up as his own wife if you know i'm saying that would be a good version but if you he when your brother-in-law does the mrs doubt fire

you can't stop him because if you sort of like try to acknowledge what's happening he will just start being violent it's sort of like waking someone up from like

yeah i'm a guy impersonating his own wife and like thinking he's fooling his children it's so that's just throwing it out there because he does it every night and he's just seen

i'm cool enough

you have a pie on your face we're like that's normal so she uh

he moved the husband the ex-husband moved to berlin and she stayed in munich and she loves it she loves living there germany's awesome yeah i've never been i i keep saying i'm visiting

so great when you know there either may i also ask let's all go to munich is she yeah let's do it together i actually went there right before the pandemic me and my sister opened for the show is she

with your sister we had a had fun is she also there because she doesn't want to take the kid too far away from

well no he's like he's in his 20s now

still

he doesn't give a shit about all that i mean he can he can arrange that by himself where's he live oh

he was living at university that's a good question

I think he's back in Munich now.

Okay.

I'm not sure.

I like this.

He's also on the WhatsApp.

There are Tompkins all over the world.

From two places.

I love WhatsApp.

Germany, Crew.

What's that?

I love a WhatsApp with such a big crew.

For me, it's just me, Mike, and my brother and his wife.

Oh, this is

me and all my siblings.

Well, not all my siblings.

Siblings.

It's another story.

Me and my siblings.

Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

Plus, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

Plus,

Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

Great, Tom Cruise.

But now it's part of the catchphrase.

Siblins, Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise.

When you make a mistake, you weave it into the pattern.

When you make a mistake,

when you make up a state.

Beautiful faces with cracks have leaves of gold.

Yes.

That's a beautiful thing.

Yeah, I'd like to go.

I keep saying that, but I never.

I think it should be your next big trip.

How long?

It should be.

How long long is the flight?

It's a great time to get it.

It really should be.

How long is the flight?

I don't remember.

Not bad.

Yeah, I think it was two hours.

Two hours?

It's probably like 10.

But you stand the whole time, right?

You have to stand, and you have to have your eyes wide open.

There's no shutting or blinking.

And that's it.

Wow.

Do they like spray anything in your eyeballs to keep them wet?

Sausages.

Oh, I guess they're.

They kind of just dangle them.

My dad, by the way, who's in the aerospace industry.

We were talking about like what's next for, you know, airplane travel or whatever.

Like, how do you get fast?

Aero, wait.

Is it called aerospace if it's just aero?

And is it called Aero Smith because they couldn't get the rights to aerospace?

I think so.

To both of you.

I think that's a cheat.

If you're just a helicopter dude, you're not in space.

I read that the show Arrow.

It was meant to be A-E-R-O.

Like the candy bar.

And they misspelled it.

And they're like, holy shit, now we have to justify this guy's got to shoot arrows.

Do you know what?

I have a

friend who in shop class or whatever it was, you know, a million years ago, this

dumb-dumb said,

how do you spell arrow?

And she said, A-R-R-O-W.

He's like, all right.

And then he made himself a belt that said Arrowsmith.

Wow, great.

Like the Kurt Busiak comic.

Absolutely incredible.

That's how it's spelled.

Oh, he wrote something called Aerosmith.

That's it.

Was the guy who made arrows?

I don't know what the actual plot of it was, but did this light get very bright right in my eyes, or did I just move into its path?

I think you moved into its path.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you, too.

Okay, so my dad and I were talking about what's next for flights and how do they get faster.

And he was saying, this is his theory,

that

basically it won't be planes necessarily but they will shoot like you'll you get onto a rocket

no

it will shoot up into the air

and come down in any place and come down because the the earth will have rotated it'll take like an hour to get to germany or whatever i love that idea now you're in just because it takes less time

you just go straight up in the air you go straight up in the air hang out there for like an hour you just no you don't hang out for the average

the amount of explosions and deaths

that will happen from this.

Why are you smiling?

You're so excited about it.

You're like, the joke is rubbing her hands together.

Wow.

She's got dollar signs in her.

The amount of explosions.

You're signing a petition to elect you for Congress if you can enact this into law is going to be absolutely intangible.

Do you ever talk to your dad about chemtrails?

Chemtrails?

Is that one Kim Kardashian farts?

Like Tutankhamun?

Her and Kanye have a Tutankhamun.

They were mummies.

Kazi, we're going to finally talk about Kanye.

Well, first, let's talk about chemtrails.

I think it would dovetail nicely.

Okay.

Tell me about chemtrails.

Do you know about chemtrails?

I do.

I know that people believe in them and that it's sort of one of those conspiracy theories.

Yes.

And you know, like those white lines in the sky?

White lines running through my mind.

Yeah.

People say that that's what now?

Chemtrails.

That's chemtrails.

So you know a lot about it.

All I know is I think it's a conspiracy theory, right?

It is a conspiracy theory.

And the theory, as I understand it, is that it's how all of the world's governments keep us docile.

Oh, like those little dust in the air is kind of like causing me to like

breathe into the rag a little bit.

Breathe into the like

the government's rag.

You breathe into the government's razor.

The government's rag.

That's my favorite song, the government's rag.

Yeah, so like

the idea that the government was like, how do we keep people from rising up against us?

Why don't we just have planes just sort of crop dust, like leave these trails everywhere and keep everyone just pretty much?

What about if people see it?

Oh, no, people can see it.

Yeah, they'll just.

Can you imagine?

Just people.

Some people just have very interesting belief systems.

Well, it's interesting.

It's as neutral as possible.

If you look at semi-recent events, it only took a few hundred people to almost overthrow the government.

So it's like, there's millions and millions here.

We could do whatever we wanted.

And yet we don't.

Because of fucking chemtrails.

That's a good point.

I'm starting to come around on this.

The way to keep them away is, of course, to spray vinegar.

Okay, so it's kind of like catness kind of like.

Is that why you smell like vinegar all the time?

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

So if you spray vinegar, it'll eventually waft up to the sky.

No, it does.

Well, it dissipates in your immediate area.

Oh, so it's actually the white lines aren't really as far away as it is.

It's down in my mind.

The white lines are up there, but then all the shit comes down, settles down over us.

What if you just like the poppies in the game?

Wizard of Oz?

Yes, thank you.

Excuse you.

What in the fuck?

What happened?

Hmm.

Got an alert.

A purple alert?

Glassbreaking heard

in my house.

Is anyone home?

I was laughing until I heard the in my house.

In my office.

That's really weird.

You should definitely have someone check that out.

Glassbreaking in my house.

I will definitely send that.

Oh, I'm sure Kulop got it, but I'll.

Maybe someone.

Oh, no, you know, there's a refrigerator guy who is going to be working on the refrigerator down there.

Sounds like he's probably part of it.

And your refrigerator is behind glass.

Is that correct?

So, yeah,

only used in case of emergencies.

That's what you're getting fixed.

Could you take the glass off?

We're starving.

Lauren, did I answer your question?

Yeah.

Why don't people just wear masks?

Oh, masks don't work.

That's right.

That's right.

Only vinegar.

Oh, that's right.

That's how we get rid of COVID.

Just spray vinegar.

But there are videos on YouTube of people like spraying vinegar.

Why have you been doing that?

Because I wanted to preserve myself.

For marriage?

Mummification.

Yeah.

So I could eventually have a tooth in common with my lover.

Here's the thing.

If you want to be a mummy, just spray vinegar on yourself a bunch.

Well, you two put wet toilet paper.

Well, wet the toilet paper with the vinegar and then yada yada yada.

Yada yada yada.

She yada yada yada.

Mummification?

How do you want to?

Do you want to be cremated or do you want to be?

Why do you ask me this once a season?

I have a will.

Have you?

You have a, oh, you have a will.

Can I be in it?

Absolutely.

Yeah, what do you want?

A dollar?

You don't really need my dollar.

$29.

I'd like.

This is our 80-age-old question.

I'd like you to give me $100.

In the will?

Just right now.

No.

How much do you have on you?

Right now, I think I probably have like

$60 or something.

Would you give me $60?

No.

Would you give me $50?

No, but I love, I think having cash is, we're missing this in our generation.

This is a huge.

So give me $40.

Like being buried with cash.

I think people need to have cash on that in their college.

I agree.

That's what I'm saying.

Give me $40.

I can't give it to you right now.

I need it.

In your will, would you.

I need it.

Would you please will to me

something that would naturally go to Mike, but just give it to me.

My bra collection?

Collection.

These are the ones you never wear, right?

These are just in the glass cases.

Yeah.

I just, they're kind of like old-fashioned, interesting.

Break in case of sagging.

Yeah.

Vintage bras, bra Funko pops.

Yeah.

No, you know what?

It's already a done deal.

I'd have to, in a few years' time, when I go to edit it again, I will leave you something.

Okay.

Thank you.

Leave us both something.

But they already did all the work of finalizing.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, the notary.

Yeah.

I think ours was very vague, where it was like...

Well, I didn't include all my objects.

Yeah, we were just like, we included a few things.

This stuff goes to them.

Like that kind of thing.

Hopefully, we're not going to go at the same time because then that complicates things.

Although we did all the three of us?

Yeah.

That's why I don't want to go on tour with you guys.

You're right.

We can't all be in the same place.

It's a buddy home.

You're the one that keeps breaking up the door.

We just want to do one live show at home.

I know, idiot.

I hate this guy.

Come on.

Oh, come on.

You hurt my feelings.

How did you know I was talking about you?

Wait.

Wait, are we talking about Matt?

Wait, wait, go back to what you were just saying.

Yeah.

What about it?

What about what?

By the way, I've gotten confirmation.

Our final episode.

I've gotten confirmation that it's the freezer repair, man.

Wonderful.

So episodes, we're so happy now.

So, wait, do we have enough time to say that?

We're so happy now.

Do we have enough time to go back to Lauren's topics and hear a little more about this?

Let's write a story inspired by yada yada.

I do have a little more time.

I'd love to hear yada yada.

Okay, what do you want to hear?

You want to hear about the actual

burf?

Yes, I want to hear that story.

I haven't heard the story and I'm excited.

So, okay, so when it was like, hey, five centimeters, it's going down.

It's going down, down, baby.

They said

to us.

That's what Emerald said.

We're going down, down, baby.

They said, do you want to go get lunch and come back?

So we went to.

It's so exciting, though, where you're just buzzing.

It was a little like, okay,

the whole time it was kind of like

we'd been beaten into submission.

Right.

For excitement.

For excitement purposes of like for two weeks, just like it's not happening.

It's not happening.

And now it's like, is it happening?

I don't know.

So we went to Red Lobster, which was across the street, took her ass to Red Lobster.

That's good.

And so now we think maybe on her birthday we go to Red Lobster every year.

I don't know.

But we went to Red Lobster and that was at 11.30.

We got back by 12.30.

Then we went.

An hour lunch.

Sure.

A sensible hour.

Yeah.

Went up into the hospital and we had to like sign some stuff and all that kind of stuff.

So that's maybe another hour.

It's 1.30.

And then

our surrogate's husband is there and they only allow two people.

He is pissed.

He's like, who are you, funny people?

I go away for two seconds.

Only how many are allowed?

This isn't my baby.

Two people are allowed in the middle.

Well, he has to leave.

I have to leave.

Wow.

It's better that he is there because

he needs to coach her through all of this.

What happened?

He's holding her leg.

There's a doula.

There was a leg.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hold her legs open because she's like, I want him shut.

Don't give me this guy.

Today.

So he's there.

So that's good.

So he's there and Kulap is there and I have to go.

That must have been crazy for you.

I'm picturing you like looking in a window eating red lobster.

Breaking into a lobster.

So basically,

I am

now in the situation that like you see in the old classic movies when there's a pregnancy where.

Right, because the men were always waiting.

The men were always in the waiting room.

So I'm basically like hanging out in the hospital all afternoon.

Fun.

On my phone.

And then my

phone is about to die.

Fun.

And so I go out into the car and just like chill in the car all day and all night.

This sounds like heaven.

How long did it go on?

So,

by the way, I have a,

we, we supposedly, the, the process is when the baby is delivered, we then get our own room where like the baby is taken to our own room, and that, you know, that's when they get the stork, trained stork, they hang it on the beak, and then it walks into your

exactly, yeah.

That would be really cool.

That would be cool.

And the noise he makes is like

how we're gonna do it.

I actually was gonna go for it without thinking, and then that's when I don't think.

I know it is all about that.

Um, so

I'm just in the situation where I'm like, you know, doing the typical pacing the

waiting room, and like, I feel like I should, I need to have cigars for everyone there or something.

But so, uh, at

at uh 9:30 p.m.

Um, I get it post-meridian, post-meridian.

I get a text from Kulap saying it's going down.

And so I'm gathering and like there's all this stuff that I need to take up to the room and it's only me.

So it's like two giant armfuls of stuff.

Coloring books.

So

for him.

You have to teach her about puberty now.

So I have like just, I'm like, okay, I'll get all the stuff.

I go, I go to the, and the, the, the entrance is closed now, unless you're going in for a specific purpose.

So I basically gather two armfuls armfuls of stuff at 9:30 p.m.

and I'm there by the entrance ready for it.

10:22 is when it happens, 22.22.

And

I just get a text, she's here.

And then a half hour goes by.

You're just standing outside with

standing outside with this stuff, but also like, is there a problem?

Right.

Oh, that's the last thing you hear.

That's it.

Just she's here.

And then a half hour, and then I get a picture.

And I'm like, okay, should I come up?

Should I come up?

Anyway, another couple hours goes by.

The torture.

And after midnight, around 12:30, it's like, okay, you can come up now.

So what was, I mean, if you can say, what was the delay?

Oh, they have to do like certain tests and stuff like that.

So that was why you weren't allowed to go because they're doing all those things.

They're not moving her to the room.

Right, okay.

Okay, because you're supposed to be in that separate room, blah, blah, blah.

Got it.

So I definitely got questions.

I definitely got, I had always assumed I would be there and it would be like the whole deal.

Kulop got all of that, and I got just basically the typical, you know, like 1960s man version of it, where it's like, oh, I hear the baby's here.

I'll run up to the room.

Yeah.

Leave the bar.

But that's great that Kulop got to watch that.

Yes.

It was very good.

And she's got some videos.

Oh, that's great.

And the nurses all like took her phone and took pictures and stuff like that.

It was very nice.

But then they just like, we get the room and

we don't know what we're doing.

And they're just basically like, here's your baby.

Good night.

Yeah.

Take care of it.

And we're like, oh, what?

How?

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Wow.

And so did you stay overnight there?

Stayed overnight there and

would have maybe stayed one more night.

But they said, this is not a hotel, sir.

No, no, we were pressing to go.

But I keep calling the hospital the hotel and the vice versa.

True.

We wanted to go home, but

uh, they were like, maybe one more night, but then we finally got uh cleared to leave.

You have to watch all these videos and stuff on an iPad.

They bring in an iPad and they're like, Watch these videos before you can go.

Yeah, I guess it was like one of Rick Astley.

Please be honest,

Rick Astley, yeah, um, about how to like certain things,

things, how to take care, yeah, yeah, yeah, some safety.

They're kind of dated there, remember, the ones that I watched, um, yeah, not the safety elements, but like the sort of like like some of some of the like style of it was good.

It was good.

But yeah, anyway, so we got home.

Remember, there are only two genders.

Okay.

We got home the next night.

And

yeah.

So that's, is it, are there any details that you want to know about that I've left out?

Um, well, I guess my first question is,

what was it like the first night when you were home?

Like, did you feel like, oh my God, I can't believe it?

Like, what was your emotional requirement?

Because the night before, you know, it was one of those, like, every two hours waking up, it was just like sheer, just exhaustion.

Just like, and we had to drive home from Riverside right now.

That's kind of nerve-wracking to be in the car.

Kulat fell asleep.

She was like, I'm going to be in the backseat.

I'm going to be making sure that

everything's all right with Emerald.

And then I drove, and then I found out later that

she just fell asleep right away.

Oh, she's fine.

Yeah, so it's, you know, I don't know.

It's been a bit of an adjustment.

Sure.

Sure, sure.

Sure, sure, sure.

It's a big adjustment.

And now, I think you told me you take pictures of her all day, and then you at night you look at the pictures.

Edit the pictures.

No, that cool-op does, definitely.

She's like, all I do after you know, when we go to bed is I sit there in bed for a while, just looking at all the pictures on there.

It's so fun.

It's very nice.

She's so cute.

She's very cute.

She's a perfect little clone of Kulop.

Yes.

Although she's starting to look more and more like me.

Really?

But not act like you.

I think she's starting to act like you.

Oh, this is too bad.

All right.

We have seven.

She's beautiful.

Break.

There's so much advice out there, and all we want to do as parents is get it right.

The great news is you're the expert on your child.

And sometimes figuring out what they need is as simple as getting them to talk.

I'm Dr.

Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and I'm also a mother of four.

On my new podcast, Talk Aboutable, I'll hear from parents about what's keeping them up at night, and we'll figure out how to tackle it by talking about it.

From Lemonada Media, Talk Aboutable is at September 9th.

Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Me and

we are back.

Hello,

Did it ever come back in style?

No, not yet.

He didn't say when.

I saw that guy in person one time.

Oh, cool.

That guy from Twin Peaks.

It was very exciting.

Yeah, I bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cat and fiddle.

Oh, wow.

I hear that's a good restaurant now.

I went there a long time ago.

It's not the same place, though, right?

Oh, wait,

the person who's in the city.

I have not been there.

I have not been like on that street, and I can't.

We were on that street last night and we passed it and cool-opped, hey, that's a restaurant that was in Santa Monica or something that the second location is now in.

They moved to brick by brick.

Oh, second location.

Brick by brick.

Oprah says never go to a second location.

It's true.

So very quickly, the yada yada.

Uh-huh.

I was in a development deal back when that was a thing.

Nice.

And I got paired with these two writers to essentially write a sitcom pilot based on my stand-up.

I love that.

Back when that was a thing.

I love everything I'm hearing.

And these two.

Was it about a guy who drinks eight beers every show?

Yeah.

It was about a guy who drinks eight beers every show.

Every other.

Every other page he drinks.

Another beer.

Another one.

Another one.

Another one.

Meet the best music.

And these people and I did not get along.

Oh, no.

We had different ideas about what was funny and what was not funny.

Well, that's already a rough story.

And they were like the pros, right?

So I was like the dumb comedian who didn't know

how to do anything.

Except I knew something.

You did and you know what's funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so we clashed a lot and I could tell that they just despised me.

Yeah.

And they kept wanting to, back then I did not drive.

They kept wanting to meet

on their,

they had a boat and they always wanted to meet on the boat.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

That's so insane.

And they had a boat?

They had a boat.

Anytime you have to go by the water, that's already way too far.

And then they're on a boat.

Yes.

Carry down a Marina Del Rey.

No, no, no, no, no.

Had to go down.

Rich?

No.

Motherfucker.

And then here's what we did:

we just sat on the boat in the dock.

And it was like, I thought

you were going to go out on the water.

I was like,

if we're going to do that, yeah, that sounds fun.

You're sitting at the dock.

And I was like, we're just sitting at the dock.

And, you know, like, there's no

beautiful.

This is not like a

like a huge luxury boat.

You know what I mean?

There's an implied thing.

So we're sitting on the molded

yeah yeah yeah there's an implied thing when you're working with someone is that you meet halfway yes and zach making the between two versions movie would say let's meet halfway and then pick a place 10 minutes from his house yeah of course

so um yeah i had coffee with you guys in like westwood yes so year so the thing does not go years later they're working with a friend of mine on according to jim Yeah, and your friend's Jim Blushy.

Please don't make me name draw.

But But they were telling the story of working with me.

No.

Not knowing that he knew he knew.

Oh, no.

What'd they say?

You never heard of him and you never will.

Wow.

After hearing that story, they talked about what an asshole I was.

And then after that story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my friend's just going, uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Of course, take it all in, take it all in.

So then a year after that or so, I run into the guy, the husband of this team, husband and wife team.

Oh, he's a husband and husband and wife.

Husband and wife.

And all they can afford is a shitty boat.

Well, they couldn't afford it for long because they eventually had to sell it.

I love that for them.

I love that for them.

But he was like being so fucking phony with me.

And he kept saying, it's good to see you.

And I wouldn't say it back.

And he kept like saying, it's good to see you.

And I was with other people.

And I, you're like,

I was like,

yes.

I am seeing you.

Yes.

But the name of their boat was the Yada Yada, spelled spelled Y-A-H-T-A.

But it was not a yacht.

And that's why it was a...

And it was a reference to another sitcom that they did very weird.

It was so late.

That they did not work off.

I'd love to hear more about this, but

highly recommend the show episodes.

I'm sure they're still together.

And are they dead?

I'm sure they're still together.

I'm sure they're still alive.

I'll be digging them later.

Can we talk about the show episodes just for the quick reference?

I love that show.

It's so funny.

Janie's a huge episode straight.

So good.

If you need a show out there and you want something funny, that's the show for you.

It's a husband writing TV, husband-wife writing duo.

That's kind of the premise.

Then Matt LeBlanc plays like a version of himself.

It's very funny.

Yeah.

Love it.

Yeah.

Classic great TV people don't need to know about.

Do you want a boat?

No, I don't want to be on the water.

Ever.

I get seasick.

If you could walk on water, would you?

Sure.

Do you think you would get seasick if you walked on it?

Probably.

That's the thing.

If you could walk on water, would people like walk to England?

Yes, they would.

Absolutely.

You would just walk everywhere that water connects something to the other thing.

Obviously.

Obviously.

Does anyone here want a boat?

Paul does.

Paul wants a boat.

Paul wants a boat so bad.

Paul wants a boat.

I would love a boat.

You have to be so...

You have to have so much fucking money on this.

They're such a waste of money.

I don't think a boat.

I dated this.

I think they're a waste of money if you have the money to keep it up.

And you use them.

Nothing is a waste of money if you have the money.

Well, then, what are we talking about?

It's still a waste.

It's a waste of money.

Well, not if you have that money.

That's what I'm saying.

I said you have to be so spending it because it doesn't affect you at all.

It's not a waste of money if you like it and use it and you can afford it.

I think that it's a waste of money if you're saying, like, I can't afford this, but I'm going to do it and I'm not going to use it.

That's a waste of money.

I dated in high school, I dated somebody who I dated a boat.

See, he's always talking about girls.

He never mentions girls.

He's always talking about girls.

But her family had this boat, and it was like the best boat situation, I think, because it was in Huntington Harbor.

They got it at Best Boat?

They did.

But where basically it's just like you can travel around this very serene water that's by everyone's houses and just these like

almost lagoon and stuff like that.

And it was like, oh, okay, I like this.

But then

for someone's birthday once, someone in Kulop's friend group rented a boat for like, oh, let's go out on the water for a thing.

Everyone's seasick immediately.

They're just not worth it.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not sure.

I drag people onto a boat.

I believe I have talked about it on our show before, but Janie and I rented a boat in South Carolina a couple of years ago, and it was so much fun.

That's why I said you would want a boat because you would have a boat.

Is it calm and placid, though?

Yeah, I mean, you're going out on like the, it's not like a lake.

So there is, it's the river, it's the intercoastal waterway.

Okay.

And there are certain places like you cannot go over there and you can't go over there.

And you have to be really mindful of how

deep you are because if you go too shallow, you run underground.

That's a big fucking deal.

And so there's all kinds of monitors and things like that, like little, not monitors, but things that monitor you're not seeing.

It's not like video monitors.

There's

all kinds of gauges and shit like that that you have to be aware of.

And I liked that part of it too.

But you pick it up very quickly.

Yeah.

You know, and once you get the hang of it, it's really, really fun.

It's great.

I can't wait to do it again.

And they shouldn't be letting people do it.

Why don't you go jump in a lake?

You know what?

Maybe I will.

Relax.

You're at the lake.

How is that an insult, by the way?

Go jump in a lake?

Go jump in a lake.

Someone's fun.

You're saying it to someone fully clothed.

That's the implication.

It's really just like, it's so different.

They got the wallet.

It's not against the rules to take your clothes off.

No.

No, it is.

Go jump in a lake implies all your shit will get ruined too.

Your shoes.

You know what it means to me is I don't care what that's why.

that's why it's a bad thing to say it means i don't care what you do just get out of my sight how about go suck an egg that's nasty maybe it's it's go as far away from me as possible which includes the water that's just go jump in you know what i mean like you can only say it if you're near a lake say go jump in a lake you don't say the lake some people say the lake go jump in the lake who says that no one's saying that lake people

well they might say it like bell like bell says it all the time she says go jump in the lake go jump in this lake

all right yeah yeah all right we we have to play this three chirp.

I thought you were coming back, that you were going to lead us right into it.

It was like not the right segment.

I got confused about time.

But we couldn't leave the thread hanging because it came up before the break and people

washed their hands 50 times.

The phantom thread, the phantom thread.

Okay, this is a three chirp we've played before.

We haven't done it in a while, and I am very pleased to bring it back.

It's called, Hey, Fred Schneider.

This is an old improv warm-up where you say,

you stand around in a circle, you're clapping.

You say, Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

And then somebody has to come up with a thing that Fred Schneider is doing in the classic Fred Schneider voice.

I love it so much.

It's fun and nothing but.

All right.

Nothing but fun.

Let's do it.

And we all say, Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing at the same time?

Yeah, yeah.

And then we go around the circle

at all.

No, we never speed up.

If anything, we slow down.

How many times are we saying it before someone has to make up one?

I think once.

Just once.

Once, yeah.

Yeah.

Once.

What's the clap?

I forget the rhythm of the clap.

Fred Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Right, there we go.

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Hey, Fred Schneider.

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

That was, hey, Fred Schneider.

What are you doing?

Same thing.

You're wrong.

I'm wrong?

You're wrong.

You're wrong.

I'm wrong?

Literally.

You're wrong.

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong.

Someone's going to bring their fist to their hand and it's all downhill from here.

Hey, Fred Schneider.

Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Paul.

Putting some ketchup on my hotting dog.

Hey, Fresh Snyder, what are you doing?

Going to the dentist for my free cleaning.

It's too loud.

I can't.

The claps are too loud?

I can't process what's happening.

Yeah, that's a little...

That's still too...

You have the loudest claps.

Yes, snap.

It's my beautiful hands.

Yeah, it's your princely hands.

Put your hands together.

Princely, I like that.

Yeah, you can play it like one of those weird country instruments.

Okay.

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Hey, oh, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

I'm going to open up my own chase bang.

Hey, Fred Schneider.

What are you doing?

Walking down the street like a chicken with a head.

Hey, Freddy.

Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Trying to learn the rules of baseball so I can play.

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Test driving cars with no roofs.

Hey, Fresh Rider, what are you doing?

Going off to Finland, the land of the Finns.

Hey, Fresh Rider, what are you doing?

Pouring ketchup on my dear wife.

Hey, Fresh Ryder, what are you doing?

Counting the feathers in my new pillow.

Hey, Fresh Rider, what are you doing?

Going to the beach and looking at a crab.

Hey, Fresh Rider.

That's an actual league.

What are you doing?

Buying Twitter for $44 billion.

Hey, Fresh Nider, what are you doing?

Paying my fee to be verified.

Hey, Fred Snyder, what are you doing?

Storming the capital with some good friends.

Hey, Fresh Snyder, what are you doing?

Catching a leprechaun and squeezing the life out of him.

Hey, Fresh Nyder, what are you doing?

Catching a goose and squeezing the life out of him.

Hey, Fresh Night.

Fresh Nyder.

What are you doing?

Catching a Bigfoot and becoming friends.

Hey, Fred Snyder, what are you doing?

Shaving off my hair and realizing I'm the Bigfoot.

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Adjusting my pants till they fit real tight.

Hey, Fred Snyder, what are you doing?

Sending a Valentine to Dracula.

Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?

Ending this song right now.

All right.

Yeah.

Wow.

That was hit for Shatter.

What are you doing?

I love it.

My hands are tingling.

My hands are tingling and I hurt myself with my wedding ring.

So that's a good lesson for next time.

It is, but I will not

get a divorce.

You don't have that ring?

I made a vow.

I love that.

Isn't it weird that you make this vow and then half the people just go like, yeah, forget it.

Yeah.

It's kind of great.

It's an option.

It is.

It's like a divorce.

It's a great, great option.

Great option.

It's a great backdoor option.

Yeah.

I think they shouldn't make it so definitive in the vows.

I think it should be.

Unless you get divorced.

Do you want to do this?

All right.

Well, this was a great time.

This was a great time.

It was a great time with you all.

It's good to be back, gang.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I hope that if you're trying to avoid your loved ones today and listening to us, that everything's cool with you.

And if your loved ones are listening to this with you, they're keepers.

Yeah.

Wow.

And if they're saying, this is stupid, why are you listening to it?

Kick them in the fucking balls.

Kick them in the balls.

I love that.

Yeah.

I love that for them.

I love that.

But, guys, if you want to follow us on social media, it's at Freedom USA.

We're proudly American.

Yeah.

And

you can write to us.

I forget what the

FreedomUSA gml.com.

That's what it is.

And send us three chair ideas.

And if you want to hear ad-free episodes of this, you can hear them them at StitcherPremium and also cbbworld.com.

Oh, and

remember.

Scott, I know what you're going to say, and I'm so glad I was saying the same thing.

Okay, remember that.

Wait, I know what you were just going to say.

Lauren, so are you saying it at the same time?

Yeah.

Three, two, one.

Remember that movie, the Poseidon Adventure.

Burgers.

Hmm.

No, see, what I was going to say is we're re-releasing all of the old episodes.

You know what we call it.

Of everything?

Of every day.

Of every podcast.

Just happy days.

We're doing that too.

Oh, wait, no.

That's a lot of work.

Just podcasts.

Thank God it's just podcasts, but sales.

I thought I would jump to happy days.

I was like, we got to do happy days.

Oh, welcome to Night Van.

The oldest show ever.

Happy Days?

Happy Days.

It was set in the 50s.

It was the first show.

No, we're re-releasing old episodes of Freedom.

So you can, and we call it

Three Visits?

Three Visiting?

Free Visiting.

Three visiting on the Tuesday because it's on Tuesdays.

So this Tuesday we'll re-release another episode.

It was set in the 50s, and I was a child who didn't understand time.

Did confuse me.

Really?

Did it?

A little bit.

So anytime you saw anything said in the past, you were like, what is that?

It was already reruns, you know?

So it was like,

this is from the 50s.

Wanderers, I thought kind of was in the 50s.

It's just, I sort of thought about it, but it never was the 50s, by the way.

It's never been the 50s.

It never has been the 50s, but I thought it has been.

And it never will be the 50s.

The video at the beginning feels so fishy.

I swear

World's going to end in 2049.

Oh, shit.

Later Runner.

So please listen to the episodes.

They're coming out every Tuesday.

Every Tuesday.

Listen to, we'll release episodes

this Tuesday.

We're going to release them this Tuesday.

Three visits.

Three visitings on the Tuesdays.

I don't know what it is.

Three visiting on the twos.

See you there.

Our healthcare healthcare system is broken in so many ways.

We have a healthcare system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table.

So, this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better.

Uncared for season three from Lemonada Media, available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Lena Waith.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us.

This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Belicia Rashad, Loretta Devine, Ava Duvernay, and more.

We're talking about their journeys, their creative process, and the legacies they're building every single day.

Come be a part of the conversation.

Season two drops July 29th.

Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast, or watch us on YouTube.