Sorry I’m Late, I Was Coming From Space

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Speaker 1 SEAL!

Speaker 1 My favorite show ever is a show called

Speaker 1 Serial!

Speaker 1 My heart! My heart.

Speaker 1 No kingdom for a heart. What did he say? Remember that? The Miracle Air commercial? No.
What did he say? This guy, he's having a hell of a time. He can't hear anybody.
No,

Speaker 1 he's many places. Like a play?

Speaker 1 Well, a movie. A movie.
And what happens is first he's at some dinner or whatever. What did he say?

Speaker 1 And then later on, he's at the park. I'm like, huh?

Speaker 1 And then at the end, he's at a movie theater with some other people.

Speaker 1 Movie ends, lights up, people start standing up and leaving. And then he's sitting there going, what did he say?

Speaker 1 So the movie ends. No credits, apparently.

Speaker 1 And he doesn't know what the ending is.

Speaker 1 The ending's all wrapped up in this one sentence. Right.

Speaker 1 And he presumably heard the whole movie except for that part. And he can't look up like a

Speaker 1 good point. A Wikipedia plot summary?

Speaker 1 This is pre-Wikipedia. No, what did he say?

Speaker 1 Now you don't need a hearing aid. This is the guy who's a little bit more.
You don't need to hear anything, you can just look it up.

Speaker 1 Why would you need to hear stuff when you can read it on Wikipedia? You go have dinner with your friends. Yeah, if you don't hear something, the next day it'll be on Wikipedia, whatever they said.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, welcome to Threedom. I'm Paul.
I'm Lauren. I'm Lauren.
No, you're not. You never will.
Get into your thick skull. I want to freaky Friday you.
No. Please.
No. That would fucking suck so bad.

Speaker 1 I know we if you freaky fried, I mean, we've talked we've gotten into this quite a bit. It really is

Speaker 1 they have to start inventing this freaky Friday technology so we can do it for once, it really is horrific just so we can know what it's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 But you know, I feel like I can really imagine being in different bodies. I can, I can feel it right now.
I mean, I can imagine being in a better body, yeah, I could feel it.

Speaker 1 What it would look like if I do that all day. I can imagine the POV, you know, of me looking down to pee and stuff in my OV

Speaker 1 And you're a vision.

Speaker 1 What would you rather do? Would you rather freaky Friday yourself or parent-trap someone? Freaky Friday yourself. Yeah.
Or parent-trap someone else? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are these options?

Speaker 1 Freaky Friday yourself.

Speaker 1 Or parent-trap someone else. So like that means I have a twin that I don't know or they do.
Everything, all the accoutrements, everything involved. I have the accoutrement.

Speaker 1 I have all the accoutrements. A twin I don't know.

Speaker 1 Parents who

Speaker 1 started watching Parent Trap, the Lindsay Lohan version with Holly recently when we were in San Diego.

Speaker 1 And she actually got way more excited about Sandlot. So we watched that a couple times.

Speaker 1 But this movie, my nephew,

Speaker 1 when you're actually watching Sandlot, one of them. You're killing me small.
It's so good. It's such a classic.
It's so great. I didn't like it.
You didn't like it? Are you weird? I guess.

Speaker 1 Are you weird?

Speaker 1 I'm also an adult. Yeah.
You don't like that. Are you weird? Yeah, it's good.

Speaker 1 But the

Speaker 1 oh, well, so like the parents, like in free, in parent trap, they had, they got together. She got pregnant with twins.
Twins. They didn't want to stay together.

Speaker 1 The decision was that they each take one twin and never speak again and don't tell the twins about each other. Deranged.
Like it's actually like, well, it's a fun movie and whatever.

Speaker 1 It's actually crazy.

Speaker 1 And the way that the girls are so happy to meet their other parent, you have to go like, this is actually like so insane that they have to pretend to be someone else while they're meeting her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then like she has to have like a fake British accent meeting her mom for the first time.

Speaker 1 And the mom doesn't know that she's meeting her daughter for the first time.

Speaker 1 And then when the daughter is talking to Dennis Quaid about, oh, like, like some people don't like some people don't have a father and da da da da da, then he's just smiling all happily.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you're not even thinking about the fact that you have a daughter who doesn't have a father because you chose not to know her.

Speaker 1 And then they're trying to get these two demented lunatics together again. They both suck.
So they can make terrible decisions. I don't think they do.
I mean, they're demented in that what they did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That sucks.
Oh, you think they've learned since then? No, but I just mean

Speaker 1 the mom seems chill. I'll give up one of my children like they're a couple of dumb dogs.
No, she's crazy for that. Fuck you.
She's crazy for that one.

Speaker 1 But anyway, anyway, it was pretty fun. And then we're trying to learn the handshake.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 butler.

Speaker 1 Oh, sure. Hit the hips, hit the hips.
Who plays the butler?

Speaker 1 Is it Jack Gilpin?

Speaker 1 Let's find out. Always a butler.

Speaker 1 I did not realize, I didn't put this together until someone responded to me on the Blue Sky.

Speaker 1 I talked on Blue Sky about how I watched Trap and Simon Kunz.

Speaker 1 Oh, sure. And you know, Haley Mills is in that movie.
The original. Is in trap, yes.
Oh, she plays the FBI profiler or whatever. She's in trap, but she's also in parent trap.

Speaker 1 And this person responded with a picture of her in parent trap

Speaker 1 saying

Speaker 1 she's my favorite part of the expanded trap universe. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I really did not put it together while I was watching it, but I was thinking, why is she in this movie? Is it because she's in every movie that has trap in the top?

Speaker 1 It's because a parent is being trapped. Yeah.
And that's why they cast her? Hell yeah. That's all I can think of.
That's crazy. With all the people?

Speaker 1 Does she even act anymore?

Speaker 1 I guess I like it for how specific. I do too.
If that's the reason, I fucking love it. Yes.
Absolutely. Of course.

Speaker 1 And if the reason is that she auditioned and did a good job, then I'm pissed. So this is a meritocracy, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Listen, Haley Mills, I'm going to have to. I know you're 75 years old.

Speaker 1 I need you to audition for this. I just need to see you on tape.
Who's Haley Mills?

Speaker 1 Let's see. She probably is 75.

Speaker 1 She might be. That movie came out in like the 60s.

Speaker 1 Would you be surprised to learn Haley Mills is 79 years old?

Speaker 1 Well, she'll be flattered to hear I thought she was 75.

Speaker 1 No, I thought you were going to ask me about my crackers. Yeah.
Lauren brought some crackers. By the way, she was in a film called Arthur's Whiskey the same year as Trap.

Speaker 1 And just three years earlier was in a film called Last Train to Christmas. Okay, so she's been busy.
Last train to Christmas. And she's in a couple of

Speaker 1 TV shows too around

Speaker 1 Death and Paradise, The Wheel of Time. So she's still acting.
She has an OnlyFans? And she has an OnlyFans.

Speaker 1 And only for fans, which is nice. You will got to pay.
Pay up. You have to answer a bunch of questions about her career.
Yeah, exactly. You have to know.

Speaker 1 Like those Rolling Stone, the world's hardest Billy Joel quiz.

Speaker 1 They started doing these the world's hardest quizzes.

Speaker 1 And I, you know, I don't know too much about Billy Joel, but I got 75%.

Speaker 1 I bet I do pretty well, especially after seeing the documentary. Yeah.
I haven't watched it yet, but I would like to. Lauren brought a full sleeve of crackers.
These are classic Hebler Club crackers.

Speaker 1 These are the best. These are probably the delicacy.
The best cracker available.

Speaker 1 One of the few crackers you can eat by itself

Speaker 1 and feel like you're getting yourself. There's like a buttery, nice, flaky taste.
Buttery. It's buttery.
Buttery. It's buttery.

Speaker 1 And she, did you offer? I can't remember. I said, do you want one, JePaul? And he said yes.
Then you asked for one, and I also said yes. Now, why didn't I get the offer, though, is my question.

Speaker 1 Because he admired the crackers. Oh, I see.
I did admire the crackers. Yeah.
Okay. And so then he ate some and Scott ate some and I ate some.
I did continue to eat them. Yeah.
Not asking,

Speaker 1 may I have more? It's fine. But I realized I should have.
It doesn't seem like it's fine the way you're responding. It's totally fine.
I'm not mad at all.

Speaker 1 Okay, that makes it seem like you're very mad. I'm not mad.
I have, let's see how many I have left. You appear to have at least 10.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine. So not at least ten.

Speaker 1 Can I have four of them? At most ten.

Speaker 1 Can you have four?

Speaker 1 Yes, you may.

Speaker 1 They're really good. Can I have five? They're really good.
He has four. You both can finish them if you really want to.
Really? That's exciting. Because I probably ate 15.
That's very generous.

Speaker 1 I'm going to Ross Perot and let you finish.

Speaker 1 I I don't want to finish.

Speaker 1 I want to give them to you. Now,

Speaker 1 is this positing that Ross Perot did let people finish? Well, it was only fair because

Speaker 1 they were not letting him finish. They're all finishing.
Exactly. They're all finished.
Can I finish? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Obviously,

Speaker 1 guys, when he's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when that was around, you know, every stand-up comic was like, here's my birthday, Ross Perot having sex. Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?

Speaker 1 Honestly, I don't know if they were saying that. It was around then.
But I think they should have been.

Speaker 1 What if I said it now on stage? Comedy as a stand-up back then was I'm gonna do stand-up now. A little just with that one joke and then wave.
I'm gonna, well, all my jokes are political.

Speaker 1 It's I did not have sexual relations, it's chop and broccoli, which is vaguely political. Chopping broccoli,

Speaker 1 very vaguely,

Speaker 1 but still counts because the church lady.

Speaker 1 And I'm obviously going to do can I finish?

Speaker 1 And I'll do that part where George Bush barped on that guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'll reenact that.
He really threw up on him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm dead.

Speaker 1 And he did die. Yeah, he did eventually.

Speaker 1 Remember his fun little thing of David Copperfield? Goosing women. You know what my favorite Charles Dickens book is? David Copperfield.
I don't remember this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what he was. That was his little setup.
David Copperfield. Oh, Copperfield.
The men who grabbed their asses. He said that? Yeah.
That's real. In his

Speaker 1 as far as you know. In his later demented years.
Yes. My favorite book is David Coppafield.
Yeah. He would yoink a woman's ass.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yoink it. Yoink.
And that's that. Yeah.
Okay. Well, these are all things I'm interested in learning.
And they'd be like, Google, Mr. President.

Speaker 1 Shouldn't if stories like that are going to get out there, shouldn't you have a cover story of like, oh, no, he has full dementia?

Speaker 1 But they never, they never tied those things together. You know what I mean? They didn't, because it didn't sound like something a demented person does.

Speaker 1 It sounds like somebody doing something on purpose. Oh, it was definitely on purpose, but don't, you know how.
You're saying like this would be the cover story?

Speaker 1 Or just you, I feel like out of pride, they never said, oh, no, he's not there anymore.

Speaker 1 You know? Right. They said, no, he's a creep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. He's in full possession of his power.
Or he said it was what he meant. He's a creep.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it's a funny joke, regardless.

Speaker 1 That's the thing about it. It is funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I abhor, of course, the practice, but the joke is so good. It's funny if you say it, and it's funny if it's happening to you.
Yeah. I would tweak it to maybe be, you know what my favorite magician is?

Speaker 1 David Copperfield.

Speaker 1 Certainly Oprah. Well, the book

Speaker 1 definitely feels like you're pretty old. That's your favorite book.
I saw David Copperfield on a plane once, a Southwest plane from the family.

Speaker 1 Why didn't he just imagine himself in the next place?

Speaker 1 I was saying. Was he doing a show on the plane? I was saying, why do you have to take this plane? Just like float around

Speaker 1 magic-y ass.

Speaker 1 It probably takes a lot of energy to levitate. Yeah, that's probably true.
You're like, oh, maybe I could do it. You could get like a couple of blocks before you put it into steam.

Speaker 1 What if you could levitate, but you had to do that the whole time? What if you saw

Speaker 1 that?

Speaker 1 If you saw a magician and they were making noises like that the entire show, I'd buy it. I would believe the magic was real.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Wow. He's fucking making an effort on it.
That's what I would need. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm Paul. Oh, I'm Lauren.
Oh, we've already talked about who we are. I'm Lauren too.
No, we're not. I know.
Yeah. I just like to say it again.
We did? Yeah, we did. I said, no, we're not.

Speaker 1 I am somebody.

Speaker 1 I'm Lauren, and I always will be Lauren. That's not accurate information.

Speaker 1 Lauren, what's on your shirt? Is this classic McDonald's or is it this is from Big Bud Press? Lauren has stains all over her shirt.

Speaker 1 This is a hamburger and fries combo from the store Big Bud Press. With drink, which is a, this is an expired, this isn't an expired.
This is a

Speaker 1 shirt. It's discontinued.
Discontinued design. Out of print.
It's a, it's a,

Speaker 1 what do you, I think what's a better way to say than expired or discontinued?

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 But there's, but what she's trying to say. Paul, you have to understand what she's trying to say is there's got to be some other way of sour shirt.
Yeah, yeah, it's sour and stinky. It's deadly.

Speaker 1 It's stinky. This shirt.
This shirt has salmonella. Deadly.
You can get trichinosis from it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I got the trick.

Speaker 1 I got the trick. It's making me want a burger in front of you.
You know what? It has done that for me before where I've just gone.

Speaker 1 Yesterday I got in and out impulsively and it was wonderful. Sat in the car.
Nice.

Speaker 1 So happy. Do you know where I've never, there's a...
You ever pass by a place that you just never go into?

Speaker 1 And every time you kind of forget about it until you're driving past and you're like, I should go that place.

Speaker 1 I passed a place that's just across the street here from where I live. And I saw it and I went, that's there.
And I said, and cool, I was there.

Speaker 1 I was like, there's an automotive parts shop right there. I had just like, my brain had alighted over it because I'm not interested

Speaker 1 for so long. But then I saw it and it cemented my mind of like, oh shit, there's this thing on our block that I've never looked at before.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that brain broken?

Speaker 1 Move closer to your world, my friend. Take a little bit of time.
I don't even know if I've ever seen that.

Speaker 1 The automotive place? I've seen it. Hmm.

Speaker 1 Come on,

Speaker 1 call me a lie.

Speaker 1 Paul, you're a liar. Thank you.
I am. I like to lie.
You're a liar. You're a fabulous.
I'm a fabulous, fabulous. I tell stories to entertain people and myself.

Speaker 1 That's delightful. I'm a delightful scamp.

Speaker 1 What's a weird lie that you've told

Speaker 1 that's stuck in your mind? I remember I

Speaker 1 was singing

Speaker 1 this.

Speaker 1 probably, I was probably 12, and I was singing this Death Leopard song that it just came out. And I was walking home from school with some friends, and I sang like a little bit of it.

Speaker 1 And I said, oh, I wrote that. And they said, you wrote the Death Leopard song.

Speaker 1 Oh, I remember a lie I told like when I was a kid. Pretending to write songs is a very specific thing that I never did, but I know so many people who have done this.

Speaker 1 Well, Adam Scott, of course, we talked about he would, he would write girls' poems, but they would just be lyrics to songs. Lyrics to songs, but he would say, this is a poem I wrote.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've known a few people who've done that. I have done, I have done one of my lies when I was a kid for no reason.

Speaker 1 I remember being like second grade and I had a pillow that said, life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

Speaker 1 Life is uncertain, eat dessert.

Speaker 1 I like said I made that up.

Speaker 1 That's a good

Speaker 1 insane. That's a good lie.
Yeah, like I told, I said that quote and I was like, and would they follow up and say, how did you get it onto this pillow?

Speaker 1 I I don't know if they saw the pillow or if I was talking about it out of context, and I was saying, like, I said that as a quote. Hey, you know, that pillow that says

Speaker 1 inserted a cover. I don't know.
Hey, you know, those pillows that have writing on them, right?

Speaker 1 I feel like I lied like that a lot when I was a kid, though, where I would just say, like, I did something or I wrote it. Yeah.
Yeah. I used to tell people, this is not, I was not a kid.

Speaker 1 I used to tell people that my middle name was Five at that time.

Speaker 1 Paul Five. I've got a story about it.
Yeah. I mean, that's pretty cool.
I would say, I would say

Speaker 1 maybe 50% of the time people believe me. And how would you justify it? Would you say, like, oh, my parents were mathematicians? I said,

Speaker 1 after my older brother was born, my parents were told they wouldn't be able to have any more children. Oh.

Speaker 1 And then I came along and I was the fifth child and I was born five days late at five in the morning. Well, that's a good story.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 It's sort of believable. I believe it.
You don't think about it ever again. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, that's a dumb middle name, but that's fine. And that's the kind of of thing where like you're lying just to lie, just to see if you can get away with it.
Just for fun. Yeah, for fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, lying is fun.

Speaker 1 Man, they don't want to tell you this. And kids, if you're listening to this, we understand lying is fun.
Lying to your parents is fun. Lying to your parents is fun.

Speaker 1 Lying to your parents is exhilarating. Did I tell you about that time when I was waiting at Chin Chin and I with one table?

Speaker 1 How did an English accent?

Speaker 1 You know what? You did. I did.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 And she's like, what part are you from? And I was like, oh, we moved around a lot. And then I moved.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing the accent now, by the way.

Speaker 1 And then we moved to the States

Speaker 1 when I was 10. So I have kind of a mixture of accents.

Speaker 1 And she believed it. And she was kind of trying to hit on me.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 I can't keep this up over

Speaker 1 a whole relationship and a marriage. It's going to be a parent-trap situation.
It's going to be a parent-trap situation. And then she has an identical twin.

Speaker 1 But it did make me seem more interesting, which is, I think, the reason to do it. Oh, yeah.
you'd be way more interesting if you were British, moved around. Some dumb shit who works at Chin Chin.

Speaker 1 So, I was working on something recently. I'm a TV star and a movie director.

Speaker 1 I think we were supposed to fill that in.

Speaker 1 I was working on something recently with an English person who has lived here for many years.

Speaker 1 I'm going to guess it. And still has an accent, but

Speaker 1 certain words,

Speaker 1 just a few words pronounced in an American way. Oh, yeah.
Like sort of broadcasting. Well, there are some people who, like actors, yeah, but it's wild because it's like

Speaker 1 it just pops in every once in a while. Yeah.
English, English, English, and then American, and then, you know,

Speaker 1 it's always wild to me when people from Australia who are actors and who have been here in this country for a long time and have to do the American accent in every role they do, then they'll yell cut and then they'll immediately switch their Australian accent.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you have the control. I just worked with an Australian actor who was speaking in an American accent the whole time.
Paul Hogan.

Speaker 1 On and off camera to the point where I practically forgot he was Australian. Wow.
And I had worked with him before, and I thought, I think he, which was many years ago, and I think he did that then.

Speaker 1 And then I didn't know he was Australian because I had just new to him.

Speaker 1 And I'm impressed by it.

Speaker 1 The ability to do an accent that wild. Not realistically.

Speaker 1 It's very impressive. I feel like Australian actors are very good at American accents.

Speaker 1 Do you think it's partly maybe because they get a lot of American movies and stuff that they've been watching as they're growing up? Or no? But I mean, English people are too.

Speaker 1 But I feel like you can spot an English person doing an American accent, even if they're doing a good job. I think you could spot that way faster than you can spot in Australia.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like my favorite

Speaker 1 giveaways, you know.

Speaker 1 When he was lying in a pool of his own urine,

Speaker 1 he was lying in a pool of his own urine,

Speaker 1 Which is urine. From a movie I can't remember.
And I can't remember her name. I care a lot.
Was it the urine pool? It was Rosamond Pike. It was Rosmond Pike.
And it was in... I care a lot.

Speaker 1 What was that?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. We care.
We care a lot.

Speaker 1 No, we care a lot. Not the song.
We care a lot about the people and the parties and the trees. We care a lot.

Speaker 1 It was that about the killer bee. The party.
But

Speaker 1 her accent's impeccable in the film, I will say. Yes.

Speaker 1 except that one moment where i went you're in and i was like no what's the movie that she was in with it was carrie mulligan's first big thing i'm on her page by the way peter i care a lot is the movie you're talking about

Speaker 1 and the movie you're talking about is

Speaker 1 returned to sender no

Speaker 1 uh the man with the iron heart no hostiles no beirut please and tag

Speaker 1 a private war the informer radioactive i care a lot evidence of it all. Saltburn.
Hollow Road. You know, you're going forward in time now.
Oh, you think I should go back? Yes. Before Gone Girl?

Speaker 1 Yes, before Gone Girl. Okay.
This is the first thing I ever saw her in. Die Another Day.
No. Promised Land.
The Libertine. Pride and Prejudice.
Doom. Fracture.
Fugitive Pieces. An education.

Speaker 1 An education.

Speaker 1 An education. And she plays this sort of vapid.

Speaker 1 socialite lady. Right.
And she was so like,

Speaker 1 I thought, like, oh, this is just what this person sounds like. This is this person's personality.
And then you find out.

Speaker 1 And then seeing her something else, I'm like, wow, that was an amazing, even more amazing performance. That's cool.
Yeah. That's how I am when I'm an actor.
I just kind of like to see that. No, right.

Speaker 1 When I see you on that comment, I thought that was impossible. I was like, I'm not sure if you're a playing TV show.
It's completely different from who you are.

Speaker 1 So, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about this on the other side of this break? Yeah. What a wow, what a tease.
Here we go. Hello from the other side.

Speaker 1 Do you miss that feeling when you finally get the gang together for a night of gaming and it just hits? Well, that's Ark Raiders.

Speaker 1 In Ark Raiders, robotic killing machines have forced humanity underground as they roam the surface, attacking anything that moves.

Speaker 1 You're a raider, one of the survivors brave enough to venture topside to loot, battle the machines, and complete quests for humankind. Up top, every raid is unique.

Speaker 1 Will you rally as one against the robots or shoot your rivals and take their stuff? The choice is yours, but always trust your gut. Is your gang tied up?

Speaker 1 Head to the surface alone and write your own story. Complete quests, upgrade your den, and become the raider you want to be.
Kind-hearted or kind of an ass? It's time to find out.

Speaker 1 Ark Raiders is on sale now, available for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and S, and PC. Uh-oh, the fashion police are here.
Can you hear those sirens? Yeah, I can.

Speaker 1 Boy, they're here to lock me up for what I'm wearing. I can get you out of this situation.
On bail?

Speaker 1 Even better. I won't have to go to fashion jail in the middle of the day.
First exoneration. Oh,

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You'll get a fashion pardon. Okay, I'm listening.
It starts like this.

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Speaker 1 Do you mean like five-fourths where it costs more? No, no, no, the good one. Oh, the good fractions.
Okay. It's everything you actually want to wear.

Speaker 1 built to hold up season after season after season after season. I got some stuff from Quince, Paul.
You're going to be very proud of me. I got a Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweater.
Nice.

Speaker 1 I'm a big fan of that. It's great for when you want to feel cozy, but still look, you know, at your best.
I wear it all the time.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I would wear it even more if my wife weren't borrowing it all the time. Girl, I hear you.
My wife keeps stealing my Quince items.

Speaker 1 I have a wonderful soft cashmere hoodie that I got from them.

Speaker 1 And she has claimed it as her own, which that is honestly very aggravating. My wife has also been going into our bank accounts and stealing money from my own bank account that I have kept secret.

Speaker 1 Um, and um, I'm really concerned about that. My wife has literally taken food out of my mouth.
Oh, no, like I put a forkful of food in my mouth, and she's taken it out of it.

Speaker 1 That's the right amount, as far as I'm concerned. A forkful, that's how I eat food by the fork.
Exactly. Anyway, get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quince.
Don't wait.

Speaker 1 Go to quince.com/slash threedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.
That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com slash threedom. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Speaker 1 Quince.com slash threedom.

Speaker 1 Hey, don't let an overpriced phone bill ruin your holiday mood. Who are you? I'm sorry.
I'm the ghost of Christmas Mint Mobile. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 No, Christmas Mint Mobile died?

Speaker 1 Well, right now, Mint Mobile has all of their unlimited plans at 50% off. That's half.
That's a huge amount, right? You can get three, six, or 12 months of unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month.

Speaker 1 It's their biggest deal of the year. And the perfect moment to politely, or not so politely, give your old wireless bill the Scrooge treatment.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Where you scare him and turn them nice. Yeah, exactly.
That's what Scrooge did. Yep.
Now, let me ask you a question.

Speaker 1 Are all Mint Mobile plans coming with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network? Paul, you know that that is correct.

Speaker 1 Now, I wish that past me. Christmas past you? Christmas past me knew about Mint Mobile earlier because I could have saved so much money over the years.

Speaker 1 But thankfully, Christmas Present me knows about Mint Mobile and I'm saving money now, right? So, you know, switching for my old provider has helped me saved hundreds.

Speaker 1 And when I say hundreds, I don't mean hundreds of, you know, breadcrumbs. I'm talking about dollars.
Oh, that's better. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And you know what those savings mean?

Speaker 1 More Christmas presents under the tree.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So don't miss it.
Mint Mobile's best deal of the year. It's happening right now.
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Speaker 1 Shop Mint Unlimited Plans at mintmobile.com slash Threedom. That's mintmobile.com slash Threedom.
Paul, what do you got to say to that? I just want to piggyback on what you're saying.

Speaker 1 A limited time offer, upfront payment, $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or

Speaker 1 $180 for 12-month plan. Required.
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Speaker 1 Capable device required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies.
See Mintmobile.com.

Speaker 1 Oh, so I was just.

Speaker 1 What goes up? Spinning wheel goes round and round.

Speaker 1 Packing all your circles and every dress rat.

Speaker 1 Try to let it moan and let the spinning wheel rap.

Speaker 1 Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap, whap. Our music used to be so annoying.
Yeah, that was really random.

Speaker 1 That's not what I was thinking, but I used to think that's what you know what another annoying song is: Jeremiah was a bullfrog. I hate this dude.
I was a good friend. I famously hate it.

Speaker 1 Fucking cares.

Speaker 1 Brown-eyed girl.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a nice song. I like brown-eyed girl until it got played out in every bar, jukebox, and I had to.

Speaker 1 I never really listened to it outside the house, but if it ever comes on inside the house, it's a treat, I think.

Speaker 1 All right, I like it again. It's like nice jangle pop.
Ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 1 My real unfavorite is Bye-bye, Miss American Pie.

Speaker 1 It goes on for fucking ever. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 At my wedding, my mother-in-law to be had one request of a song to be played at the reception. It was American Pie.
It was American Pie. And I was like, I love you.
You're absolutely insane.

Speaker 1 We'll do this for you. The fucking hit of the night.
Really?

Speaker 1 Everybody.

Speaker 1 Was she at a different wedding where it was a huge hit? No. She just likes the song.
Wow. Everybody got on the floor.
I never would have expected

Speaker 1 it, but I could see it being fun if everyone was doing it. It was crazy.
But that's kind of true of any song. If we all just agreed, like, we're rocking out to this, whatever it it is.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing.

Speaker 1 Here's what I love the most is that one video of the Irish dads with Thunderstruck. Oh, yeah.
They're at that reception. And it comes out.
It's all these middle-aged dudes.

Speaker 1 Lauren, have you seen the second season of the Dallas Cowboys? No. America's.

Speaker 1 I started watching the first season. I enjoy it, but it's just funny that they show up to a Casey Musgraves concert and they do

Speaker 1 the whole choreograph dance behind Casey Musgraves at one point,

Speaker 1 including the splits. The Thunderstruck dance? They just do it to one of her songs? One of her songs is great.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that Thunderstruck dance. Because she's playing in Dallas.
How would you girls like another opportunity to shatter your pelvis?

Speaker 1 Well, Casey Musgraves is down. Slam.

Speaker 1 Paul, what were you going to say? Slam! The slam! They should say that every time they do the splits. Slam! Oh, what were you going to say before the break?

Speaker 1 Going down, slam.

Speaker 1 They all yelled slam. That would be awesome.
When they hit.

Speaker 1 Another fucking thing to worry about. Yeah, it's true.
The timing.

Speaker 1 So I'm doing some episodes of the procedural criminal minds. That's right.

Speaker 1 You play

Speaker 1 an eccentric next-door neighbor. The former next door neighbor.
Oh, really? You moved in the show. Can I just say that? No, in the show, the person I was next door to moved.

Speaker 1 Can I just say everyone on the show is a next door neighbor? no there's a few people

Speaker 1 on private islands okay

Speaker 1 one character lives in space only comes down to do the job okay

Speaker 1 yeah like

Speaker 1 sorry i was coming from space

Speaker 1 um yeah but there was some scenes where i had to do like acting acting

Speaker 1 yeah like not comic acting not like oh i'm gonna be funny but also you think of like procedural acting as like oh it's sort of like it's not real you know you're sort of like you're just rattling off techno jargon.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or you're saying like, I don't like this guy, whatever.
Yeah. I want to see him clapped in irons.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Clapped in irons. But I was very

Speaker 1 clapped in irons.

Speaker 1 I just watched Master Commander again. Yes.

Speaker 1 So did I, strangely enough. Strangely.

Speaker 1 I think the episode's been out already for two weeks. So there was the director was a very good director and gave me really good notes, but I was noticing,

Speaker 1 I'm getting notes all the time. Oh, and some people were not getting notes all the time when you're on set to be like, I feel like I'm a problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I, it's, it's, and the hardest thing is to not then just get in your head about it. It's just like, just take the note, listen to the next note.

Speaker 1 If the note, if she comes over again, she's going to give me a note. Yeah, I'm going to take the note, you know.
And I appreciated that, that the way she was giving me the notes was

Speaker 1 really good. Like it was not,

Speaker 1 it was not like you're fucking this up. It was not like, no, do it like this.
It was very, she was giving me

Speaker 1 constructive, like an idea

Speaker 1 that I could then interpret. Right.
You know what I mean? Which is all you can ask. Which is not a line reading, which is not like stress this word.
Yeah. You know, it's, it's more about, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But at one point, she's like, ideally, you know, in this part, you would be like, you would be worked up into tears. And I was like, like, whoa, uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Ideally, ideally, ideally is right.

Speaker 1 But I can't shoot them salties out like that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's intense. Yeah, that is really intense.
I've never been able to do it. It's so hard to do.
But I also have never,

Speaker 1 how often have I been called upon to do anything like that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, did you get close? Did you at least scrunch your face up? I did. Oh, I scrunched my face up for sure.

Speaker 1 That's all that directors can ask of you. I had an experience where I was doing a movie and it was the first day of the movie

Speaker 1 and it was like a big moment for me we were shooting like the last scene of my character like the first day it was your first day oh you can't do that if you're directing a movie or scheduling a movie give your cast something easy to do that will inspire confidence in them yeah first day it was tough for a few reasons but i

Speaker 1 he didn't like how i was saying oh the word experiment

Speaker 1 and he was saying it's experiment and i was saying experiment and he's saying experiment

Speaker 1 I almost couldn't tell the difference between what I was doing and what he was doing.

Speaker 1 But a lot of people say it that way. Yeah, I felt like crazy because it was like

Speaker 1 he kept walking over and being like, experiment.

Speaker 1 This is Roman Polanski, right?

Speaker 1 And it was like, I couldn't believe that I couldn't say it how he was saying it. But I also was going like, I'm just trying to say my line existing lady.

Speaker 1 And then like,

Speaker 1 what a, what? It would be different if you were from another country and you're like, oh, no, in this country. No one was British.
No one was using an accent. Right.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, you have to say lieutenant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I actually, my character is American and I was like, not supposed to. So to me, I'm like, this is how I say it.
Is it a British director?

Speaker 1 No, he was American. This is odd.
It was odd. And I mean, it was actually a sign of things to come in some ways.
But I literally was just like, I don't know if I can.

Speaker 1 And then I don't know if I ever did. I actually, I'm not going to watch and find out, but I don't know if I said it right.

Speaker 1 And it became like every time I say experiment now, I'm like aware of that word. Lauren was between two ferns.
Yeah, it was Scott Ackerman. God damn it.
What the fuck is up? I know.

Speaker 1 He shot the last scene first, and he didn't like how I said one word. And then he tells everybody, like, oh, no, give him something easy to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Because he's pretending like he didn't do that.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.
No, on the ferns, we did fun improvising. Yeah, we had a lot of fun.
Like the first week.

Speaker 1 We had a lot of fun. I think it was only fun.

Speaker 1 I think it was all fun. I don't remember anything bad.
I'll say all the hard stuff was at the very end. Well, it was more like weather, yeah, cold, uh, nighttime,

Speaker 1 all of that stuff were the last days because it's the New York Times, the daily news,

Speaker 1 whoa, whoa, whoa, when we were getting swept down the hall by the water in that movie, that was really funny. It was hard, but it was fun.
But Zach was being so funny during all.

Speaker 1 I mean, he's just so funny that it made it fun. I would love to do a thing like that.
Yeah, I've never gotten to do like a staff. I'd love to push you down some stairs.

Speaker 1 I'll push you down Alone or in pairs.

Speaker 1 Let's make another movie, folks.

Speaker 1 Why not? I did get squibbed one time. That was fun.
June squibbed? Yeah, I got June squibbed. I mean, in a way, I did work with June squibbed.
When I shot you on that show,

Speaker 1 you had blood, but it wasn't a squibb. I had blood.
It was not a squibb. They put an effect in later.
Oh, yeah. But when I did You're the Worst, I got shot with squibbed.
It was really fun.

Speaker 1 It was fun. We got to do stuff with Zach a lot.
We squibbed him, we set him on fire, all sorts of fun stuff. I got set on fire in something,

Speaker 1 and I really did it. Like, I put gel over my hands.
Really? For you, it was really

Speaker 1 fire. It was crazy.
I forgot I did that. Actually, I ran into a guy who worked on it, and he brought it up, and I was like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm like, how did I forget that I got set on fire?

Speaker 1 Did they ask you if you were okay doing that? Yeah, and I, I was.

Speaker 1 The guy who I was, I was doing a scene with a guy, and the joke was that he was like a stunt guy who was like covered in the goo and whatever.

Speaker 1 I don't remember the whole whole thing and he was doing it repeatedly and then he showed me how to do it and it was fine but it was pretty crazy yeah it's cool they put this like gel all over you yeah and then that like to look at it must be insane yeah seeing your own hand yeah but again barely remember it happening isn't it

Speaker 1 i think paul and i were talking about this the other day about how i'm paul by the way in so so many kind of weird things happen to you when you're working in show business that you can just forget like oh yeah i worked with this famous well it's also funny too because like when you kiss somebody in something it doesn't register as a real kiss in your life.

Speaker 1 So, like, you can forget that you kissed someone. Yeah.
But then that's weird because it's like, if I don't, I remember who I kissed in real life.

Speaker 1 I had to kiss somebody in a pilot, and it, I had to kiss a pilot to get on the phone. You're not on the phone.

Speaker 1 Oh, Tammy.

Speaker 1 And it was like I had to kiss a pilot.

Speaker 1 In a pilot, you kissed it. And the thing about it was, the only takeaway for me was, oh, she smokes.

Speaker 1 I did a couple smokers. And this is after I quit.
So I was like, oh, that's what my mouth tasted like. That's close.

Speaker 1 It's weird. You get used to it because the human body just wants to do it.

Speaker 1 The human body wants what it wants.

Speaker 1 Ooh, that human body. But it is like a shock.
It's not ideal. Yeah, it's not ideal, folks.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
But if you have an addiction, that's your addiction. Yeah.
Hey, look. And hey.

Speaker 1 I'm not here to judge anybody. Oh, my to stop.
Yeah. If you're addicted to something, great.

Speaker 1 Good for you. I think that's good.
I'm addicted to entertaining America and other countries. I'm addicted to helping people.
I'm not going to tell you which ones.

Speaker 1 You're addicted to what, Paul? Helping people. But look.

Speaker 1 If you're addicted to cigarettes, heroin, whatever.

Speaker 1 I don't care.

Speaker 1 I don't care.

Speaker 1 I often think when I see it in movies that

Speaker 1 in real life, do heroin addicts have a nice little leather dop kit that they put their heroin stuff in?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because they always do in a movie. They always do.

Speaker 1 They always have like a nice little bag that it's all stored in here's what it makes me think you're getting ready to do your heroin you're like

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 do a little bit of this

Speaker 1 and put it in my heroin oh yeah let me remember the heroin i put it in my veins and it goes in here uh-huh oh that's it here comes

Speaker 1 if i were if i did heroin i would after i inject it say here comes the heroin if you did heroin your needle would be wood. Your

Speaker 1 I'd have beautiful stuff. Bespoke stuff.
Absolutely. Mine would all be cute, like Hello Kitty and stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do it.

Speaker 1 This is making me want to do heroin.

Speaker 1 Sorry if you are recovering addicts who are listening to this for fun and don't want to be. This is the last fucking thing you want to hear.
Yeah. Sorry.
We won't do it again.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry if you're not a recovering addict and you have no function. you do drugs.
Yeah, I'm sorry if you're not a recovering addict and you're suffering right now. I'm sorry to everyone.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry to everyone whoever had to hear a thing we've said. And every animal.
Oh, me too. Cosign.

Speaker 1 I'm not sorry to any animals. I'm sorry to plants.
I'm sorry to a few plants. Sorry to that plant.
Just because of the happening.

Speaker 1 I'm afraid it's going to be real.

Speaker 1 Are you doing a Kiki Palmer? Sorry to this plan?

Speaker 1 Here, you know those videos where they're like, if you do this every day for five seconds, you will never have back pain again.

Speaker 1 If you do this every day for five seconds again, is that what you're doing? Yeah, one of them is this. Like, you touch your two hands behind your back.
Oh, wow. Like that.

Speaker 1 And you'll never have back pain again? Well, it's like one of them, you know.

Speaker 1 If you do this every day, you'll never have this again. If you do, I don't know if it's, I think this one was for back pain.
Like, if you do this every day for like 30 seconds or something, it's hard.

Speaker 1 Okay, so describe what you're doing. I don't think I can do it.
So here, I'll show you. My hands are.
I'm putting one hand behind your back.

Speaker 1 One hand over my shoulder to go down my back and one hand under my armpit to go up my back. And they're touching in the middle.
I can't touch. And that's supposed to make your back pain not happen?

Speaker 1 It's supposed to help keep your back like stretched, I think. And so that you.
There are better exercises for this. Now, here's the thing.
Because you can't do that one. What?

Speaker 1 Just because you can't do that one. No, I'm just saying actually.
That was not even good. That was not even good.

Speaker 1 No, I know, but I'm saying these videos are like, they go like, if you do this every day, and I just, I say, I save them, and then I just go, I'll never do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I tried this thing that I saw on Instagram, this woman saying, if you get woken up and you have trouble falling back to sleep. Oh, is this the I thing? Yeah.
Oh, what's the eye thing?

Speaker 1 Because this happened to me at three in the morning.

Speaker 1 I've done it.

Speaker 1 It didn't work for Mike, but I find it soothing. It didn't work for me and I did not find it soothing.
Okay. What is the I thing? What you do is you close your eyes.

Speaker 1 As your eyes are closed, you look up, you look left, you look right, you rotate right, you rotate left, and you just keep repeating that. Look at my thumb.
Gee, you're dumb.

Speaker 1 It makes me feel kind of like my eyeballs are getting a little massaged. This is like Vertigo.
It's a way to

Speaker 1 who the these are the if you have vertigo which i don't cool up has had a couple of nasty and charlotte from a just like that yes charlotte

Speaker 1 she just fell over twice yeah but the it's very interesting these vertigo exercises that you do is basically

Speaker 1 lying down on a bed with your head off the foot of the bed and then looking in certain directions and all this kind of stuff it's very interesting seems hard i had a friend too hard i'll just have vertigo yeah my one of my oldest friends this happened years ago is it

Speaker 1 no this predates both of you guys whoa santa claus it is not santa claus after santa claus

Speaker 1 after santa before you guys okay um so

Speaker 1 we were talking on the phone i guess it's todd berry

Speaker 1 i just thought of someone

Speaker 1 um he just had a pendicitis or something didn't he he had what a panda

Speaker 1 broke or just had an operation he posted about it. I'm sorry to hear that.
Sorry to this.

Speaker 1 Sorry to this Todd.

Speaker 1 I had the heat cups while I was talking to my friend on the phone. Not the hero.

Speaker 1 I immediately pictured what a heat cup is, and it seemed like a swing for your balls.

Speaker 1 For the male period. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm starting gym class. I need to buy a heat cup.
I'm starting gym class. I need to buy a heat cup.
I'd not have heat sex over that heat cup. Or with that heat cup.

Speaker 1 He was at the airport and he had a defibrillator with his luggage or whatever.

Speaker 1 Good luck to him. Who cares? What? It's not.
He's fucking old. You know what? If I could have a defibrillator with me at all times, I would too, just in case.
Sure. Someone who would carry it?

Speaker 1 If I need to carry it myself, forget it. But if there's going to be some random guy who's going to carry a defibrillator for me, yeah, have at him.
If I had a defibrillator valet, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. So, absolutely.
Absolutely. So, I have the hiccups and I can't get rid of the hiccups.
And then he guides me through this

Speaker 1 cure for hiccups where I have to like rotate my arms one way and then. These things work one time, by the way.
Well, also, by the way, he made it all up. Yes.

Speaker 1 No, that's it's so I did all of this because someone we know did a cure for hiccups to me and asked me, like grabbed my hands and asked me a bunch of questions, which I had to think about.

Speaker 1 And then, after approximately 30 seconds, said, They've gone away, right? And I went, Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it works only because you're taking your mind off of the hiccups

Speaker 1 and you can't ever do it again because you know what's happening.

Speaker 1 That's right. So, what did they do? You just twisted your arms off? Oh, he had me do like a bunch of shit.
And they went away, yeah. Yeah, and what's weird is they go away like almost immediately.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 because you're suddenly because you're so surprised by what they're doing. I have to move my arms like this.

Speaker 1 I was so busy gasping.

Speaker 2 I'm there. Yes.

Speaker 1 You know, people are like, the longest hiccups ever were for 12 years. You're like, that's fucked up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, you were sleeping during

Speaker 1 a lot of that.

Speaker 1 You must have stopped. So you're pretending.
So you just want attention.

Speaker 1 Oh, we'll give it to you, dear. Are you happy? You got it.
So you just want attention. Okay, this person's hiccups for 12 years.

Speaker 1 Hicked

Speaker 1 How often do you think? Oh my God, I hiccup for a half hour.

Speaker 1 All right, we have to sing break.

Speaker 1 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Well, it's here, folks.
The holidays.

Speaker 1 That's right. A time of tradition, but also a time of stress and chaos.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, a look back at the whirlwind of a year before diving into another one.

Speaker 1 You know, one of the things that helps me through knowing that all of this is coming up is just talking to someone about it all.

Speaker 1 In fact, I have my own tradition of reflecting on the past year with calm, clarity, and compassion. And these conversations with my therapist help recenter me during the holiday mayhem.

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Speaker 1 Hey, you know we're back. Shen, we're back.
Why are we even pretending we're not back? We just are, and it's hard to deny it. In the past, we've pretended to not be back, and that was fun.

Speaker 1 That was fun for a while, but we've put away childish things. That's right, we're grown.
We're back, and we just are. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what happens at this point in the show, and we always do it every single episode is we play something

Speaker 1 without fail we play something called a threeacher we all know what a threecher is the the hint is it's something we play

Speaker 1 i've known it as a buster i've known it as unbustero aka a buster or some people would say i've known it as a little game on my phone are you playing a game

Speaker 1 this is an inside joke between the three of us we've probably said that that before. And between no one else.
So back off. Yeah.
You just don't know. Don't come up to us on the street if you see us.

Speaker 1 By the way, if you see us on the street, please run in the opposite direction. Whatever you do, don't ask me if I have games on my phone.

Speaker 1 Some people saw us at this play that we were at the other day, Paul. I saw a guy see you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we were walking into the auditorium to see Act Two.

Speaker 1 And this person walked right into the auditorium to see Act Two as well. No, run in the opposite direction.
Run out of the theater, back to your house. If you ever see us.
If you see us, run away.

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to be in the same space. No.

Speaker 1 Legally, of course you are. And these are not private spaces.
This was a public event. Public space.

Speaker 1 Run away. We don't want you there.
We just don't want to, we don't want to feel like we're being watched.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be observed. Because we know we're more interesting than Act Two of whatever show you're seeing.
And listen, I also want to say, if you don't know who I am, run away. Yes.

Speaker 1 Here's what I'll tell you: I cannot do my arms like that the other way at all. Yeah.
Oh, false. So try the other way.

Speaker 1 Which way was it doing? Okay. This is really.
I can't do either way.

Speaker 1 For the listener, these guys look like total idiots. And it's embarrassing.
Sorry about that. They look like would it surprise you to learn we're the smartest people on earth then? It would, honestly.

Speaker 1 That would be quite smart. The smartest people on earth? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Smarter than Malcolm Gladwell.

Speaker 1 What a joy to have a name like Gladwell. I'm glad.
I'm well. It sounds too medieval to me.
You're Awkin man.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Isn't that something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The ochre man. I'm the kin to Tomp.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're the. Kiss to lap.

Speaker 1 Kiss du lap. Kiss du lap.

Speaker 1 Juje swei, kiss du lap. Ju je swei, kiss du lap.
So at this point in the show, we always play a three char. Yeah, and this is no different.
This is no different.

Speaker 1 So what we're going to do is we're going to play a threechir. It's called.
It's called taboo word. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Taboo word, of course, you know how we play this. Two of us are going to decide on a word.
That word is taboo.

Speaker 1 It's not the word taboo. I know what you're saying.
It's not the black-eyed pee taboo. No,

Speaker 1 nor is it Apple D app.

Speaker 1 Oh, Apple D app. Just doing my thing.

Speaker 1 What did I say when I saw him at

Speaker 1 Cookaroo? I don't know. I've talked about this.
You have, but I couldn't tell you. And the person behind the counter is like, hey, man, what have you been up to lately?

Speaker 1 He's like, just doing my thing on my grind.

Speaker 1 Okay. I was like, all right, Apple Tea.
Great story.

Speaker 1 It might have been taboo.

Speaker 1 When I think about it now, it might have been taboo. If I think about it, it might have been the taboo.
Okay, so two of us decide on the word.

Speaker 1 The third person suggests a household item to start the scene. Now, the players that know the taboo word try to get the third player to say it.
It's as simple as that.

Speaker 1 good

Speaker 1 so who's gonna be the two i will give the word to you to me and paul you think of your household item

Speaker 1 and i and i'm also the person guessing the word or trying to you're trying to

Speaker 1 guess you're you're you're trying not to say the word you're trying to force me into saying a word that i don't want to say yeah and i think of a household object to start the scene yeah okay

Speaker 1 it's just unrelated it's completely unrelated yeah because it helps inspire you though this makes sense all right you have your household item.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think of the name of this thing.

Speaker 1 Dildo? This part shouldn't be hard.

Speaker 1 It should.

Speaker 1 You still use those in the house.

Speaker 1 I go to my man cave. Furry hand jobs.
Furry hand jobs.

Speaker 1 All right. I have my household object.
All right. You know what we could do is we could try to guess what his household objects are.
I know, because because it does feel like I'm supposed to.

Speaker 1 He's supposed to just start the scene with it, not okay. Maybe.
That would be fun. That'll be fun.
All right.

Speaker 1 Why don't you do a little scene work? Object work.

Speaker 1 No, if I do that, you'll guess it right away. Let's do some Our Town-style miming.

Speaker 1 I love your beautiful home. Thank you.
Do you enjoy the objects in it? I do, especially this one. What is it? Here in my household? Yeah.
Well, this one is just a dresser. I put my clothes in it.

Speaker 1 I love that. But it's not my favorite one.
Oh, what's your favorite one? Tell us exactly what it is and what the name of it is. Well,

Speaker 1 I want you to guess. Well, you know what? Is it this beautiful little jewelry box here?

Speaker 1 No, but thank you. I have keepsakes in there and old keys that don't go to anything anymore.
Well, you should throw the keys out. I can't.
What if I find out what they go to?

Speaker 1 It looks very feminine, I have to say. Well, thank you.

Speaker 1 I actually loved all of the different prints that you have around this room. Yes.
Here's the little prince. Here's Prince Spaghetti Night.
Oh, this is Prince's Purple Rain on DVD.

Speaker 1 Prince's Purple Rain on DVD. You see the Prince influence around sort of this

Speaker 1 purples and lovely loaves.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
Mint.

Speaker 1 Some little patterns. Yes.
There's a gingham.

Speaker 1 There's a hound's tooth.

Speaker 1 There's a window pane. Yes.

Speaker 1 And more. And more.
And so much more. What is this household item you have? Well, you have one too, I'm sure.
It's a spatule. It's a television remote.

Speaker 1 No, no. You're both so wrong.
But is it the best? Because it's bigger than that. Of course it is.
It would have to be. For its purpose.

Speaker 1 To wash dishes.

Speaker 1 You can't wash dishes in there. Why not? Oh, it's in there.

Speaker 1 So it has a door.

Speaker 1 Of course it does. How are you supposed to get inside? Is it a bathroom? No, that's not an object, dear.
That's a room. Is it a sauna? Sauna? The same thing.
It's a room. But you're getting inside it.

Speaker 1 It is kind of an object. Is it a cold plunge? I didn't say I was getting inside it.
Cold plunges don't have doors, dear. I thought they did, dear.
The best ones don't.

Speaker 1 I thought it had a top on it. Get yourself a name-brand cold plunge.
It won't have doors. Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you for inviting us to your home in the far reaches of Africa, by the way. I love to have you there.
I hope you've blessed the reins. Yeah,

Speaker 1 all of the. Is this an animal you killed? Yes.
It's an animal that died.

Speaker 1 And you've mounted it upon your I see an elephant. No, that's how it just died that way.
It died on your wall. It died that way.
I see an elephant. I see a jaguar.
A jaguar, yes.

Speaker 1 Very fast. A car, yeah.
What's faster? Do you see a chiraffe? I do. Yes.
Yes. Do you see hippopotamus? I do.

Speaker 1 That's a crazy one to have killed.

Speaker 1 Do you see baboon? No, I don't. That's right.
Oh, you're pulling your pants down and showing your red ass.

Speaker 1 You fell for it. I did.
Damn it.

Speaker 1 But I seriously have a medical condition. Do you think I should go to the doctor? It looks raw.
I'm a doctor. Can I take a look? Sure.
Hmm. A little tender right here.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Yep, that's an ass. Now, what is this? Your underwear is a very interesting print.

Speaker 1 Thank you. What is that?

Speaker 1 Animal print. It's animal print, and as you can see, it's zebra stripes.
Wow. That's gorgeous.
Black. You're gorgeous.
You're gorgeous, too. I like your ass.
By the way, that I was just in the talk.

Speaker 1 And I like your tail. Thank you.
Another animal. I had that grafted on.
Oh, yes. Well, what kind of animal do you want to be? Is that a cheetah tail?

Speaker 1 I beg your pardon. Oh, sorry.
It's the Jaguar tail. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I waste no parts of the Jaguar.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 Yourself.

Speaker 1 Well, this has been fun, but will you say a word for us? Sure, I will. It's spelled L-E-O-P-A-R-D.
Leopard? You got it.

Speaker 1 I almost put it in. What's your item, sir? Vermin.

Speaker 1 I almost said it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Damn it. Scene.

Speaker 1 Scene. I'm going to text a taboo word to Paul.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, Lauren, you're going to think of a household item.

Speaker 1 Okay. If you can.

Speaker 1 If you dare. I definitely can.
I've texted Paul the word. Have you thought of the household item?

Speaker 1 What's this, Paul? Epstein files.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What are you playing to me? Oh, is that an audiobook of the Epstein files?

Speaker 1 We're going to read the list. It's the Instagram reel of a cat.

Speaker 1 It says,

Speaker 1 help me. Why does my cat's meow sound like this? And the cat just answered for a while and opens his mouth.
And they've dubbed in. Epstein files.
Epstein files.

Speaker 1 Do you have your household item, Lauren? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Are you going to try to guess it? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 As Owen Wilson once said, wow. Yes, I got leg extensions.
Congratulations.

Speaker 2 You're very, very tall now.

Speaker 1 Okay. Tall plus

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 Fat.

Speaker 1 And what what is that item?

Speaker 1 The sis of baton.

Speaker 1 I'm leaving the parade today.

Speaker 1 Are you doing anything else? I'll probably wash some dishes.

Speaker 1 Anything else, honey?

Speaker 1 I guess I'll clean the house.

Speaker 1 And then what? And the house.

Speaker 1 You said you said it, idiot. What did I say? And that was the worst.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Well, good luck at guessing my object.

Speaker 1 Dishwasher? No.

Speaker 1 Butter dish? No.

Speaker 1 Scalpel? No.

Speaker 1 Forceps? No.

Speaker 1 Plasma? No. Dog plunger.
No. Extra strength plunger? Yes.

Speaker 1 Extra strength.

Speaker 1 Here, I'll tell you a little more.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be cleaning up after my baby. Oh, how old's your baby?

Speaker 1 One year. Then you have the diaper genie.
No. You should get it.
You should get it. Yeah, we're selling it.

Speaker 1 It's something I'm going to use to clean her. You're just not interested in the fact that we're selling diaper genies? Things that she's drank out of.

Speaker 1 I'm not interested in that.

Speaker 1 But we have a surplus. Is it like one of those brushes? It is.
How much is a diaper genie?

Speaker 1 $1,000. That's too much.
Well, hold on. For 1,000 units.
Oh, I thought I was guessing. Oh.
You're asking. I can get 1,000 diaper genies for $1,000.
$1,000. So $1 each, but I have to give them a die.

Speaker 1 You have to buy a thousand of them.

Speaker 1 I'll do that. I'll sell them to friends.
Okay. No, you can't.
Really?

Speaker 1 A thousand's too many to be able to do. You're going to give them away.
So did I just put one diaper in each one until they're all full?

Speaker 1 You're going to come back on the first of the month, and if you don't have 1,000 of them in your house,

Speaker 1 we'll know.

Speaker 1 We'll know, and you'll pay for this. Okay.
Well, I'm going to lock you out of my home. Fair.
Push, push, push, push. We've already made copies of your business.

Speaker 1 Push, push, push, push, push, push, push. Okay, well, you don't know how to get through my bar on the door that I slammed shut.
I really don't. Slammed slamming shut.

Speaker 1 She's telling me this vertical bar on her door. I think we should just duck under it.
Oh, yeah. She didn't close the door.
Okay, yeah, here we go. Well, you guys are skinny.

Speaker 1 And scene.

Speaker 1 Scene. Should we try one more?

Speaker 1 Or should we go? Sure. So, Paul, you text

Speaker 1 the word to Lauren, and I will think of a household item.

Speaker 1 Household item. Yep.
Got it. Locked in.

Speaker 1 Locked the heck in. Meanwhile, Paul has sent his word to Lauren.

Speaker 1 You're.

Speaker 1 Oh. Hi.
Come, come in. Hurry.
Hurry. Oh, gosh.
Before anyone sees you, get in here. What's the matter, you dumb dick?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're who I was trying to avoid.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. You're an asshole.
Hey, I don't, I don't, I don't appreciate you're a

Speaker 1 loser. Well, you say that like it's a bad thing.
You're a pimple-popping pizza party.

Speaker 1 You're a butt-freaking sutie washer.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm all of these things, but I still thought that you were my friends. What's your household item?

Speaker 1 It's this corkscrew. I did it.
What's the word that I don't want to say? Fuck.

Speaker 1 Fun stuff. We have fun.

Speaker 1 We have fun.

Speaker 1 Listen. Thank you for listening to Freedom.
If you would like to see Variatopia on tour, I'm going to be out in October, middle of October.

Speaker 1 I'm going to Charleston, South Carolina, Overland Park, Kansas, Louisville, Kentucky, St. Louis, Missouri.
Go to variatopia.com for details. Yeah, it's October 2 when this comes out.

Speaker 1 So a couple weeks from now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just am excited about whatever's going on.

Speaker 1 I'm excited about

Speaker 1 everything that's happening in the world and all the cool stuff that's going on. There's so much cool stuff going on right now.
Oh, my God. This is a great time for

Speaker 1 the world. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm glad we're here to see it.
I'm glad. And,

Speaker 1 you know, other than that, keep listening to Threedom.

Speaker 1 Listen at least three times a day. And listen, you can listen to other podcasts, but after you listen to Threedom.
Yes, make Threedom your first thing you do when you wake up.

Speaker 1 A lot of people grab their phones. You can grab your phone, just don't check it.
Just press play on Threedom.

Speaker 1 Some people drop their cocks and grab their socks. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What? It's way too long. I do the reverse.
It's the morning. That's all right.
Drop my cock and grab my socks. No, that's me.

Speaker 1 That's what I said, you fucking damn it.

Speaker 1 You said our taboo word. Eat some crackers.
Drink some crackers.

Speaker 1 Goodbye, everybody. Eat some crackers.
See you next week. Bye.

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