Nojack Sojack

Speaker 1 A

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Speaker 1 Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And look at us now.
Like we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye.

Speaker 1 But for the most part, it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you.

Speaker 1 From Lemonata Media, Alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube.

Speaker 1 What a wheel. What a humiliate! Every time I got the spinning wheel, oh my god.

Speaker 1 Frito! You need to tell us when you get the wheel.

Speaker 1 We're humiliated.

Speaker 1 Wheeling wheel.

Speaker 1 Right in the world.

Speaker 1 Songs used to be terrible.

Speaker 1 Rod a painted lady.

Speaker 1 Rotten painted lady.

Speaker 1 Lorem.

Speaker 1 Lorem.

Speaker 1 If she wants to. Songs.
If she wants to.

Speaker 1 That's where I was going with the rest of the line. Songs were bad.
Roda purred lady if she consents to the ride.

Speaker 1 Songs were bad, but euphemisms for sex workers were great.

Speaker 1 Painted lady.

Speaker 1 Spinning wheel is a tiny thing. Lady of the night.
Yeah, that song blows ass. Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

Speaker 1 They were getting crazy with it. It's a tough one.
They were having a great time. They were having fun because they were on drugs.
What do you think about

Speaker 1 it away?

Speaker 1 My beautiful balloon.

Speaker 1 What is that? That was like a top 10 hit. I know.
That's so crazy. People had nothing.
You know, we only had classical. Then we had that

Speaker 1 that got into that weird area where rock music was turning into like the beginning of soft listening soft rock or whatever easy listening like middle-aged people in the in the early 70s were like well now this is a nice one yeah they put it on their victrolla and they're like

Speaker 1 up and away listening on their cathedral radio i remember you light up my life was a big hit of course and

Speaker 1 and then someone sang it at my church and there was a big controversy over whether she should have. I mean, and she was singing.
It was dedicated to Jesus. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was still like, should she have been able to sing that in our church?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, wait.
I was just at a park the other day in like altitude. Surveillance.

Speaker 1 And this, yeah, I was just doing my job. And hiding behind a newspaper with the arm holes cut out.
Far away,

Speaker 1 there was like people kind of singing and dancing. And then I realized it was karaoke.
And there was someone on a stage singing. Wait, now what's the song? Daytime park Park karaoke.

Speaker 1 That's what happened. It was the song involved the word money.
Can we narrow it down? It was a word. Money!

Speaker 1 No. It's a drug.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Money, money, money.

Speaker 1 The rich man. How about what's that?

Speaker 1 Just give me money.

Speaker 1 That's what it's about.

Speaker 1 That's what I want.

Speaker 1 Was it. Maybe it wasn't money.
Here she comes now singing money, money, money, money, money. I got to remember it, but I can't because you guys keep singing.

Speaker 1 We're trying to help. I can't believe you.
Was it, are you gonna go my honey? Are you gonna go my honey? Yep. Are you gonna go my honey?

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to think of other songs I've ever seen. I want to think of what it was because it was

Speaker 1 very

Speaker 1 updated.

Speaker 1 And it was random. And I was just like, what's going on here? Was it a song about the invention of money? That's why it's outdated.
Yes. It was like, we're going to make pennies and pennies.

Speaker 1 We're going to abolish the penny.

Speaker 1 We're going to make pennies and dimes and nickels and quarters. You don't know what that means.
We'll catch you up. A penny is one.
A nickel is five. How about she works hard? That's what the money.

Speaker 1 That's what it was. So hot.
And it was our method. Our method worked.
It did work. Google.com.

Speaker 1 It was crazy, though, because it was like, someone, I thought it was blasting on our speech code, and I saw a woman singing, she worked hard for the money. And it's like, such a weird song.

Speaker 1 They should abolish songs after 40 years. Yeah, that one's done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Speaker 1 Like, if you have an MP3 on your computer, it just evaporates. Yeah.
Just like if you have a CD of it, it stops working.

Speaker 1 The things that last are gigantic, like the biggest hits, and then everything else just dissolves. Because then I think that one would have stayed, isn't that?

Speaker 1 That one would have stayed, but it shouldn't be allowed to because I don't want to hear it at all. But I don't like it.

Speaker 1 How often do you hear it now? Is what I'm saying. I hear it at the park.
A carry. You hear it eight times.
She works hard. Scott.
Kula plays it while she's working. That makes sense.

Speaker 1 While she's having sex. And she says, I'm the titular.

Speaker 1 I'm the titular she.

Speaker 1 BT Dobe. I'm the titular she.
I'm the titular she.

Speaker 1 Now that's a song that could last 50 minutes. Wow.
That is a single. That is a song that could last 50 minutes.

Speaker 1 Or 50 years. Yep.
Material girl.

Speaker 1 You know what? We listen to that one kind of a lot. I like that song.
Because Holly sounds on his playlist. And I'm a Terry Young.
Wait, Holly likes it? Mm-hmm. Is there a Kids Bup version? No.

Speaker 1 It's just how it is. And we just sing it.
There's no swears, actually. There's no swears, but do you subject matter? Do you play swears?

Speaker 1 Some boys,

Speaker 1 some must.

Speaker 1 What's your policy on swearing around your kids and playing things that have swears in them? It's tough. We're actually in a moment where I'm trying to pull back on all swearing.

Speaker 1 Mike will play some music that has swears. Now she's starting to say it.
And so we just turn this. We remove this from the list.
I played a song the other day.

Speaker 1 Hold on a second. Hold on a second.
Yeah. Well, let me hear the swears that she said.

Speaker 1 Whoa. It's so funny that that's it.
In a PG-13 way of just like, it's an expletive,

Speaker 1 not a verb. No, right.
She'll go like. Was she listening to shit fuck on the highway? Yes.
I love that song. She'll go and she'll go, what the poopy.

Speaker 1 That's great. That's fine.
What the fuck? You can do that. You can do that.
But yesterday she was saying the swear words in the car. And I was a little stressed out for a side reason.

Speaker 1 And so I wasn't really paying attention. And then she was going, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I was going, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What are you, What are you doing? You can't do that.

Speaker 1 You can't do that. You know, I had to like.
Was she really just saying the word over and over again? Yeah, she was trying to get me to react, but I was really thinking about something else.

Speaker 1 And so I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Do you think it started out like, mommy, mommy? Yeah.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Speaker 1 And then finally,

Speaker 1 I came to. And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 I was driving Emmy to school the other day. And I said something to another driver.
And she said, you said, why did you say fuck off to that driver?

Speaker 1 Well, whenever we swear down in front of Holly, she goes, she makes makes a really mad face like, ooh.

Speaker 1 So she knows it's bad. See, Emmy doesn't know it's bad.
Oh, yeah. I don't want to put any value judgment on it.
That's interesting. That's an interesting approach.

Speaker 1 But I was playing a song the other day in front of her, and it was a hip-hop song, and it had a certain word that I don't want her ever to say.

Speaker 1 That's another reason why I was like, we can't listen to anything like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, doing the Humpty Dance.

Speaker 1 But I said, we can't listen to anything. anything and I really

Speaker 1 don't want her to be saying this. I mean, that's very dangerous.
Because it was a good song, too, that I think she should be able to listen to. I was like, am I supposed to now get like parental

Speaker 1 PG versions of these songs? That's what I think. I said to Mike, like, we need to download on our phone the, you know, what do you call it, edited version.
Yeah, but sometimes you edit it.

Speaker 1 Sometimes the radio edits are even dirtier. They'll put in a whole new, you know, wet ass pussy.
They're like, I got that wet and gushy. I'm like, that's actually disgusting.

Speaker 1 That's actually disgusting. Wet and gushy.
Wet ass pussy is

Speaker 1 beautiful and romantic.

Speaker 1 It's sex. I get it.
Wet and gushy. I I think you're putting a mop actually into a bucket, not like a euphemism.

Speaker 1 Get a bucket. I have a friend.
I don't know if I should say. Congratulations, Paul.
I am excited for you to.

Speaker 1 And it's okay. Yay!

Speaker 1 Tell a story about me.

Speaker 1 And they,

Speaker 1 he and his wife, they have an adorable little daughter who's about

Speaker 1 eight, I think.

Speaker 1 And I think they are a

Speaker 1 curse words accepted household. Like, if they're like, you can't go crazy with it.
It's like, you know, we have friends who

Speaker 1 say curse words around their kids all the time, and it's refreshing. And I was sort of like, yeah, why not? Yeah.
Who cares? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, you know,

Speaker 1 they fly out, but she's now, we get punished. We should all live like the Irish.
You know what I mean? But if you say it around the house, who, who cares? No, no, Mike's more of that.

Speaker 1 Like, well, if you just only say it here, don't say it at school ever and don't say it. And he goes, don't say it to mom.
Yeah, like, who cares?

Speaker 1 But don't scream it. at me.

Speaker 1 She sings in its entirety the unedited, unradio-friendly version of Vampire by Livia Rodrigo. What are those? Oh, I don't really know that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at the lyrics. Hey, read it like a poem.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't really know that one. I don't know her music.
Okay, here we go. I hate to give the satisfaction.
Oh, my God. Asking how you're doing now.

Speaker 1 How's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? Skip to the chorus.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Here's the chorus.

Speaker 1 Bloodsucker, Fame

Speaker 1 fucker. That's right.
Bleeding me dry like a goddamn vampire. Damn.
Yeah. Nasty.
I mean, imagine a seven-year-old. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 I try to listen to Chapel Ron, and I'm like, going down on me in the backseat. I'm like, let's just chill out.

Speaker 1 Let's just talk about the front seat, Chapel.

Speaker 1 Let's keep it up. Let's keep our eyes at front seat.
Let's keep our hands at 10 and 2. Let's keep our eyes on the road.
Yeah. Chapel.

Speaker 1 Chapel. Chapel.
More like Chapel Chapelle. Chappelle Rowan.
If you write a dirty song and put it out, you should have to write a song about safe driving.

Speaker 1 That's fair. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That parents can play instead. Yes.
And it doesn't have to be the same tune or a parody or something. I got a song about financial responsibility.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How about a song about only eating safe things and no choking hazards? Yeah, instead of pussy.

Speaker 1 There's no choking hazards in pussy. How about a song about saying pussy? Oh, really? Not if you do it the way I do it.
What do you do? That's not good. That's not good, man.

Speaker 1 You You put popcorn in there? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You put popcorn in there. You put popcorn in there? You put popcorn in there? You put popcorn in there?

Speaker 1 Does everybody like that?

Speaker 1 This is the ASMR section of our show. This is like when a lady putte is being used as a popcorn in a microwave, and they put a kernel in.

Speaker 1 When a lady's being used as popcorn in a microwave. When a lady's being used as popcorn in a microwave, there's something that happens if you let a wheel.
Kernels inside, they pop.

Speaker 1 Hey, that's how, how hot does a kernel have to be to pop? And

Speaker 1 both would be like, I think it's Fahrenheit fort.

Speaker 1 Both great answers of temperatures. Do you know the song by Olivia Dean called Man I Need? I'm late today and I'm enjoying it.
I need to do it. Do you want to hear a little bit?

Speaker 1 I bet your wives like it.

Speaker 1 My wife's just.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's got some nice vibes.
Please turn that off. I'm done.
But I like it. That are some nice vibes.
I'm worried about the voice, though. Really?

Speaker 1 Because it sounded like the Cajun baby voice that I don't really like.

Speaker 1 That's where it's like, I taught you around. Oh, you broke my heart.

Speaker 1 No, it's not like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw, I was just in London, England. Broke my heart.
By the way, you blew my heart.

Speaker 1 You broke my hole in tongue.

Speaker 1 How did you do your

Speaker 1 by the way? You still have your London accent. I don't know if you realize it.
No, I do. Oh my God, you've been traveling so much.
Tell us all about it.

Speaker 1 Went to New York, went to London, came back home. Wow.
And did you love it? Had a wonderful time with it. That was a funny or cool thing that happened.

Speaker 1 There were a few cool things. I saw Your Crush's dad in a play.
You did? Who's your crush? And who's Donald Gleason

Speaker 1 from The PayPal?

Speaker 1 PayPal. What if Alan Cumming introduced shows?

Speaker 1 A new episode of The PayPal.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 I like those masterpieces.

Speaker 1 We need more stuff like that. Yeah, like Turner Classic movies.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You saw his dad in a play? Was he awesome?

Speaker 1 Brendan Gleason, Brendan Gleason. It was so great.
It was so great. It's called The Weir, and it's a sort of spooky

Speaker 1 one-act play. It's an hour and 40 minutes, set in a pub.
Is it actually scary?

Speaker 1 Or just spooky, just creepy.

Speaker 1 People tell ghost stories. Oh, okay.
Yeah. It's cool.
That sounds great. It's great.
I mean, the whole cast was great, but to see him

Speaker 1 on the stage was like... Paddington, too, of course.
He's a real

Speaker 1 person. Yes, sir.
Paddington was

Speaker 1 about to be a little bit of a drink. Did you go see Paddington? There was

Speaker 1 it was. If you guys haven't seen it, listeners, go look at the puppet one Paddington of the West.
It was so bad.

Speaker 1 I want to kill it. I think if we had stayed one more day, we could have seen a preview of it.
Oh, too bad. Wow.
But it was very exciting. One more day.

Speaker 1 Two, four, six, oh, what?

Speaker 1 I believe it's Paddington. It's an actor in a suit and then an actor who is puppeteering the face off stage.
Yes. I was watching it.
It looks so, I want to, I almost cried looking at it.

Speaker 1 It was so wonderful. But you have never cried.
No, it's got to happen eventually. Just almost.
It's called edging. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And so you sit down for my deathbed to make everybody sad.

Speaker 1 People come in to see me, and I'm just like,

Speaker 1 this is a bubble.

Speaker 1 He's not dead either. He doesn't want to die, clearly.
Was Janie there with you the whole time or no? Janie was there with me the whole time. We had a wonderful trip.

Speaker 1 I did some

Speaker 1 podcast appearances. I did a live podcast recording.
Oh, wow. Yeah, I got to do a lot of things.
It was really fun.

Speaker 1 And in New York?

Speaker 1 New York was a very quick trip, and I just did some shows, and then we went to London. Wow.
Janie had a great time. Did she say New York? She was out.
Parking. Yeah, she came with me.

Speaker 1 Okay. Not what I asked.
Did she say New York while you went to London? No, dear.

Speaker 1 I already established that she came with me to London. So nice try, but you're not going to get me today.

Speaker 1 You can't catch him this time. But I saw a show called Stereophonic.
I heard of that. I'm going to see that in a few weeks.
Yes. It's sort of loosely based on Fleetwood Mac, the recording of rumors.

Speaker 1 It's Fleetwood Macs, I think. I think it's Fleetwood's Mac.
MAX? Yeah. Hi, I'm Fleetwood Macs.
Yeah, the Mac streaming service is there. Hey, I'm Fleetwood Mac.
I'm a Fleetwood, and I'm a Mac.

Speaker 1 And that was a very interesting show. It's a play with music.
So they...

Speaker 1 They show them in, you know, it's in the recording studio. So it all plays out there.

Speaker 1 And then they they go into the, like behind the glass wall into the studio itself to then everybody plays their own instruments and sings their own songs. And

Speaker 1 it really captured very well the tension of that kind of creative process and was really interesting in that way. But it does mean that it was very long.

Speaker 1 The first half was an hour and 40, the second half was an hour and 10. And in the second half,

Speaker 1 there was like no spoilers, by the way. I've seen this in a few weeks.
There's a long pause. Just tell me and you just think about something else.
Okay, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 There was a long pause while the people

Speaker 1 in the recording booth were waiting for something to happen. And it's just silent.
Nobody's talking. And then this guy behind us went,

Speaker 1 I can see why it's long.

Speaker 1 And then when the interval came, he gathered up his things and left and left his wife behind. Left his wife behind.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did he tell her he was going to leave? Or do you think that's the last time they ever saw each other?

Speaker 1 They were old enough that clearly clearly the it was not a discussion it was just like i'm leaving she was like okay i'm staying and

Speaker 1 he got all his shit left but um the uh

Speaker 1 i did a so the podcast i did was a uh one called richard hering's leicer square theater podcast which he uh this comedian richard hering who's big um you know was big in the uh uh like the sort of the UK alt scene when they were doing shows like Brass Eye and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 And, you know, he's a stand-up as well and has his own projects and stuff. But just to give you some context.
Thanks for the context, bro. You got him, man.
I love it.

Speaker 1 So he's interviewing me.

Speaker 1 And I feel, I have that feeling of

Speaker 1 it's like he's introducing me to his friend group and like saying, hey, this guy's cool. And everybody's like, we'll be the joke.
Yeah, we'll see after about 45 minutes.

Speaker 1 And it was very nice, but I was very conscious of, oh, this is like a real interview where I'm speaking earnestly about my life or whatever. And I felt like this is boring to everybody.

Speaker 1 But anyway, Ernest Guy was more like.

Speaker 1 You don't think that.

Speaker 1 Oh, you thought I was speaking in the manner of Ernest. Yeah.
Ernest. I think.
Do you think Ernest ever went to London? I did address the audience as Vern.

Speaker 1 I used to like Ernest movies, and we've talked about this. I've never seen more.
Scott hasn't seen it. Oh, Scott should see.
I've never seen it. Okay, well, what are you doing next week?

Speaker 1 Available, but how did he talk that, Ernest? Know what I mean? Hey, Vern. Know what I mean? Hey, Vern.
There was somebody asked me to say that. I didn't cars.

Speaker 1 Just watch cars and you you can just watch him. Oh, no, he's in Toy Story.
Sorry. Just watch Toy Story.
I found him comforting as a kid. Yeah.
Well, he was a cheerful idiot. I mean, I first knew him.

Speaker 1 He was childlike in his way. I first knew him as a commercial pitchman.
Yes. Right.
For Sprite? I think it was for car dealerships.

Speaker 1 For cars. Yeah.
It was like for a local car dealer. Oh, you know what? I think that was his trajectory.
I think it was first a local car dealership. Then he did sprite commercials.
Did he do that?

Speaker 1 That's how I knew him. Many of his own films.
It's like, that doesn't just happen every day.

Speaker 1 But do you think if he ever went to London, he would have filmed it, like going, this should be a movie? Or did he just go on a trip once? He probably went on a trip once as a scout. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then decided, Ernest wouldn't fit in here.

Speaker 1 Or Ernest would fit in too well here. If Ernest went to London, the amount of goofs and ridiculousnesses that could happen.
So many guys. He would probably try to make those guards laugh.
Mr.

Speaker 1 Bean came to America. Well, yeah.
That's right. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He did.

Speaker 1 Do you think like if

Speaker 1 a guard at Buckingham Palace farted, the other guard really wouldn't laugh? Let's be real. Of course, he would laugh.
Hold on a second. Like, especially if it sounded wet.

Speaker 1 You don't think it's happening with these guys all day long? Of course you would laugh. Right.
They're farting. So you're just doing secret too? All they're doing is standing there.
Right.

Speaker 1 That's so boring. Can you imagine having to stand still for that? Like,

Speaker 1 how often do they get to walk around? Probably once an hour. Do you think they get like a ear pod, ear pod, and air pod? Earpod, airpod? I hate calling it an earpod.

Speaker 1 It happens all the time, and I hear it. I hear people say it all.
They call them airpods. AirPods.
I think think we all call them AirPods. No, earpod, people will say.

Speaker 1 I know, but I think most of us call them. If you're saying earpod, you're a nerd.
I'm trying to tell you, I say it by mistake, and some other people do as well.

Speaker 1 You're a nerd by mistake. I think

Speaker 1 people are trying to take the copyrighted aspect of AirPods. Right, like mine, I do have some Bose earpods.
I've always called them AirPods because that's what they naturally should be called. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But so you're saying you do call them earpods. No, I call them AirPods.
If you were in a TV show, you would have to call them earpods. Because first, first was God damn it.

Speaker 1 First was the earbud, which was a wired thingy.

Speaker 1 First was Airbud. When they came out with the one that's not connected, I was like, naturally, they're AirPods.
My mind just corrected it.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying? To AirPod? Yes.

Speaker 1 Not the AirPod? No, because they should be called AirPods. All right.
They should be called wireless. Wishless earbuds.
They should be called Airbuds. They should be called Absolute.

Speaker 1 If it went from Earbud, it should be called Airbud. But of course, they couldn't shouldn't do that.
I have some

Speaker 1 fun ones from bows that are

Speaker 1 not noise-canceling. They should be doing that in NBA games, right? I'm sorry to do it.
Yeah, man. No, it's funny.

Speaker 1 I have some AirPods that are not AirPods. They're earbuds from Bows that just sit in your ear like a little hook.
They don't go into your hole. That's what she said.
And they

Speaker 1 can still hear everything.

Speaker 1 So it's like, you know, as a woman,

Speaker 1 I don't like a noise-canceling earpod. As a woman, because I'm walking down the street and I'm thinking, no, and I'm completely muffled from the world, and then I get clocked in the head.

Speaker 1 Nobody should have noise cancellation if they're walking down the street. Yeah.
That's dumb. Well, people do it all the time.
Transparency. It's good for government and good for AirPods.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I want to get, I want to cycle this way back to this show that I did. I'd love to hear about it.
And so he's interviewing us. Do you want to, you know what? We should take a break.

Speaker 1 Why don't you hype it up? Sure. And just give us a little teaser.
When we return, we'll find out what happened during the interview. Wow.
When Freedom Returns.

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Speaker 1 And we're back. And now the thrilling thrilling conclusion of Paul's minor story.

Speaker 1 So, there was a lot of talk of Bojack Horseman, and that's probably the thing I'm best known for everywhere other than this room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, outside of this room, I should have said. And outside of Freedom.
Yes. You guys know me more.
I know you more as like a guy I know. Yeah.
I know you from like hanging out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But they might know you from Bojack Horseman. You know me from the friend group.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you text a lot. Yeah.
I know you from the the text chain for sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm the guy who does the stickers. I know you from.

Speaker 1 By the way, don't like the way the new, the, the new iOS. The new iOS is garbage.
And

Speaker 1 they have fucked up the music app so bad. You can't drag the stickers the way you could and resize them and everything.

Speaker 1 Nasty. It's nasty.

Speaker 1 No, with the music, I don't like how my music bar is at the search bars at the bottom. Yeah.
And the worst,

Speaker 1 they fucked up the computer one, not the phone one, but the one that you play on your computer. Oh, I never used for CBB FM.
It's garbage now. You can't, it freezes all the way.
Why did I do this?

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 to quote Oscar Madison, now it's garbage.

Speaker 1 Some things can stay how they were. Yeah, it's true.
Yes.

Speaker 1 If they worked beforehand, they'll be. Like certain segments of the population in America, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know what you mean.

Speaker 1 Some Bojack Horseman talk. And then when the show was over, it was from a friend of mine reporting from the audience.

Speaker 1 As everybody's getting up to leave, a guy behind my friend said,

Speaker 1 Well, I've never seen Bojack Horseman.

Speaker 1 Does this person think that every single show they ever go to has to be expressly tailored to them? I know, but it's so funny. Like, yeah, I don't think anyone ever said we all know this show.

Speaker 1 Everyone here obviously has seen that. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 So this person thinks that if they go see a show, they should have someone that's so popular, every single person in the audience should have seen whatever they worked on.

Speaker 1 I get maybe that, or maybe he was annoyed at the assumption that he'd seen it. Okay.
And he needed to say, Well, I've never seen Bojack Hosman, and I don't intend to start that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I was a boy, no one saw Bojack Hosman.

Speaker 1 And that's the way

Speaker 1 Sojack Bojan.

Speaker 1 Bojack Hosman, more like

Speaker 1 Nojack, Sojack.

Speaker 1 And everyone laughs. You should be on that stage.
Yeah, why don't you do it? Why don't you perform up? Saw the show again.

Speaker 1 Here's an episode of No Jack Sojack. No Jack Stojack.
No Jack Sojack. Succulent Chinese meal.

Speaker 1 Stop touching my penis.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What guy? Great video.

Speaker 1 Great video of a guy being arrested in Australia. Oh, yes.
Yes. Stop touching my penis.

Speaker 1 Can't about enjoy a Chinese meal. A succulent Chinese meal.
Succulent Chinese meal. That's right.

Speaker 1 Stop touching my piece.

Speaker 1 It was real good. That guy was, he made the most of his time.

Speaker 1 We loved him, didn't we? Do you have more trips coming? Yeah, you're going all around the world with Amy and Ted. All around the world, the East Coast and some of the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a lot of travel this year, more than I had anticipated. And

Speaker 1 in a way that I was trying to not travel so much, but ended up traveling. Well, you know, this whole plane shutdown situation.
Not helping

Speaker 1 kind of stressful. Yeah.
I'm a little stressed about Christmas. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 About Santa? Yeah, like, how's he going to get everywhere? What if he flies into the planes? On that topic. Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Who gives a fuck about Christmas?

Speaker 1 Share points. Who gives a fuck about Christmas? Who is Christmas? Is that from? That is from the First Lady, Melania Trump, when everyone was criticizing her Christmas decorations in the first term.

Speaker 1 I forgot about that. And she was caught on a phone call saying, who gives a fuck about Christmas?

Speaker 1 That's a crazy, that's one of the craziest things you could say. Yeah, it's really hated.

Speaker 1 Actually, people give the most fucks about Christmas. You don't fuck about Christmas.
Christmas is one of the things we all agree on. Rank the holidays.
Christmas, number one with a bullet.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Halloween, number two.

Speaker 1 I would say so. Christmas, holidays.
Thanksgiving third. No.

Speaker 1 You don't think Thanksgiving?

Speaker 1 I don't give a shit about Thanksgiving third. I don't like it either, but you and your family do not observe Christmas.
We don't. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I don't mean for us to rank in general i just mean in general how are they oh yeah of course however i will say if someone made me a turkey i would eat it i'll make you a turkey today all right eat that turkey see you in eight hours turkey turkey um turkey christmas halloween thanksgiving

Speaker 1 everyone's individual birthday your personal birthday

Speaker 1 maybe fourth of july i don't

Speaker 1 maybe new year's eve what like oh i guess people like new year's eve i guess that new year's would come after but before

Speaker 1 I would say, yeah, I think so. After Thanksgiving.
Christmas Halloween. No, I think it's

Speaker 1 cool. People like New Year's bad.
You don't party on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Eve to talk to boring people and fall asleep after you eat some tryptophan.

Speaker 1 Most people in the world, I think, don't care about New Year's in the sense of they don't even like stay up.

Speaker 1 What percentage of the world stays up till midnight on New Year's Eve?

Speaker 1 I feel like every year

Speaker 1 they show you around the world. Yeah, a group of lunatics out there celebrating in Australia.
Pissing their pants and timing. I'm saying like what percentage of the world population even stays up?

Speaker 1 I think it's like 80%.

Speaker 1 No. I think it's, if we're going by age, probably 80%.

Speaker 1 If we're talking about anyone who's old enough to stay up at night, you flip it. Flip it.
It's only 20%. You flip it.
Flip it real. Flip you.
Flip off your ass. Debate, you mother flipper.

Speaker 1 No, I think it's only 20% of the people actually stay up till midnight. You're doing this on purpose.
You're

Speaker 1 honestly. You're agonizing us.
I know your lies and your empty promises. I'm going to I renounce them.
Google? It's insane. Why did Google Santa

Speaker 1 of people stay up till midnight on New Year's?

Speaker 1 Did you say global?

Speaker 1 This has an answer. Is it AI overview? It's the AI Overview.
Yeah, then fuck off. Fuck off.
Okay. Wow.
Approximately 70 to 75% plan to stay up.

Speaker 1 25% of that fall asleep before midnight. polls

Speaker 1 who's doing this poll

Speaker 1 did you plan to stay up maybe it's 54 yes i did what they're trying to say and did you stay up no i didn't

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i just don't think i i don't know i mean what's the last when's the last time you went to a new year's party that's a different thing you're a different thing yes i am from you and proud of it proud yeah i don't want to be the same thing as you it would be great to be the same thing as me what if we were twins we'd be thing one and thing two yeah

Speaker 1 And you'd be the cat in the hat. I'd be that little, little cat.
He's kind of big, isn't he? Yeah, he's kind of big. Compared to real cats, he's little.
He's larger than two miles.

Speaker 1 Compared to real cats, he's little? Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 How small are those kids? Those kids were really small.

Speaker 1 The cat in the hat is smaller than an actual cat. I think it is.
Let me get this straight.

Speaker 1 The cat in the hat is smaller than a mouse. You think the cat in the hat is smaller than a mouse? And their house is tiny.
Lauren. What? This is bananas.
No, it's not. It's normal.
You're not normal.

Speaker 1 I hate to break it to you. You're not normal.
No, I know. What is normal again? It's very cute.
Is that from Dilbert or is that from? That's from Garfield. Oh, it's from Garfield.
That's right.

Speaker 1 I am kind of going through something right now because I just, I, I, what happened? There's no school today, but it turns out there is school today.

Speaker 1 I marked my calendar wrong, I guess, and put that there was no school. And so Holly's been having a day.
And then

Speaker 1 did school call up and

Speaker 1 tried to make a play date with somebody else. And they're like, they're at school.
Yeah, we don't homeschool our child, you weirdo. I usually don't fuck up in this regard.

Speaker 1 So I'm quite surprised right now. I know you are.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And our morning was very chaotic, so it could have not been. Called up other moms, like, hey, you want to get day drunk today? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 It feels like there are so many days off of school these days, like random days, you know,

Speaker 1 that it's hard to keep under. No, because also Mike Googled.
He was like, what holidays? I was like, I don't know. The calendars didn't say anything.

Speaker 1 And he was like, I Googled and it's National Manager Day and National Nacho Day. And we were like, I guess she's off for National Nacho Day.
Oh, my God. Give me the manager some nacho.

Speaker 1 And then to find out that she actually was supposed to be there. And we're just going, I guess it's not.
Does the school even care? It's not.

Speaker 1 When they're that age, no, I mean, obviously, we have the right to not bring her to school. I mean, it's okay.
It's America. But I mean, she could be sick, whatever.
But we didn't call her in.

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 are truant officers still a thing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, child catchers, too.

Speaker 1 I remember, like, that was sort of a threat hanging over your head: well, you have to go to school or else the truant officer. Do you think we got that from

Speaker 1 little rascals? I don't know. I do remember walking home.
Because I don't remember anyone ever saying that to me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I remember

Speaker 1 just absorbing it from Paul. How would he

Speaker 1 deal with it? Oh, yeah. That was something that we talked about at our school.
I feel like it did happen. They did come get you.
Right.

Speaker 1 Really? Wow. But I do remember walking home from college because my first year at college.
Do you thought the Truinoffer was going to get you? Well, no.

Speaker 1 I lived, you know, within walking distance of my college. So I remember walking.
Like the old lady.

Speaker 1 No, this is when I still lived at home. Okay.
I walked home and a cop car started following me.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I think this person thinks I'm still in high school because this is my first year of college. I think this person thinks I'm still in high school and I shouldn't be out.

Speaker 1 And so I remember walking home really nervously, like the cop was going to stop me. And then I got into the my house and I like peeked out the curtains, like, is this guy still like waiting for me?

Speaker 1 And then they shot you through the window with rubber bullets? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just to be safe. Just to be safe.
I felt threatened. But yeah, I don't know if it's a thing anymore of like, if you saw a kid walking down the street and it's a school day, who cares?

Speaker 1 I mean, I think people should be concerned. Concerned.
What if the kid looks happy? If they're there, maybe lollipops. What if the kid is eating candy and playing with a puppy?

Speaker 1 What if the kid has a big giant lollipop, has a little short pants and velvet suit, has beautiful golden curls, and is skipping along the street licking the lollipop?

Speaker 1 Okay, then I guess I'd let them do that. Thank you because I would assume it's like I don't know why that's such a bad thing.
That's actually a strange man, thank you, yes.

Speaker 1 And let's say that it is, and that's fine. And I won't definitely not bother him.
I have a full beard, and I would not bother him. And he's seven feet tall.
I would not bother him.

Speaker 1 No, you would think I would let him do his thing. Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Was today a day where it would have been easier for your family if Holly had gone to school? Yes. Did you see there was a video of ACDC in concert? Oh, good.
Very recent. Oh, okay.
And

Speaker 1 the sort of discussion point of the video was, these guys should retire. Oh, no.
Oh, nice. Because they're like, they're old dudes.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 they're doing their best. Why does it mean? Do you know it sound bad or what?

Speaker 1 Why should they retire? It's a little, it's not quite the same energy that they used to have. That's the thing about bands and energy.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 1 they got to keep it up we keep up we we have we want youth to be a premium and it should be fine for old guys to like sit down during a concert other old people are watching sure is he doing the is angus like wearing the skirt and doing the duck walk and all that kind of he doesn't wear a skirt he wears a little velvet short pants oh that's right yes he had the pants on and just like a like a billowy kind of shirt so i don't know how he started out they're doing a farewell tour right now i think oh well farewell farewell ACDC.

Speaker 1 So, and Journey's doing a farewell tour. Everyone's doing it.

Speaker 1 Here's what I think. I think that

Speaker 1 this is the one thing that you think. This is all I think about.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The energy test for a band should be:

Speaker 1 can they power a house? Can they power all the appliances? Meaning, if you were to do it.

Speaker 1 If they're rocking out, the energy seeping off of them. You put all the

Speaker 1 sticky electrode things on them. And you, you, somehow, this, this is powering the house, house, powering the lights.
Yeah. Like all the smart devices?

Speaker 1 Everything. Everything.
That's a lot of devices these days.

Speaker 1 The Wi-Fi. Once the power starts to not work that well, then you're like, these guys need to retire.
They can't do it anymore. Okay.
I like that. I like that as a measurement.

Speaker 1 Obviously, with OKGo, it'll be easy. They're already on treadmills.

Speaker 1 They're doing a lot of that work for you. Yeah, but OKGo should not be the baseline.
Like, OK, Go is,

Speaker 1 they're a 99th percentile of the energy coming off. Is the baseline somebody like Mick Jagger, who's running back and forth throughout the day.

Speaker 1 Mick Jagger, when I saw them a year ago or whenever they were out here, I gotta say, I was a little like,

Speaker 1 when he first came out and he's kind of doing his shuffle walk,

Speaker 1 I was a little like, you got worried, is this because he's he's up there,

Speaker 1 but then, man, he was running around and doing all sorts of stuff. I mean, he really preps for it too.

Speaker 1 Like, when he puts out those videos of him, like, doing cardio and working out, preparing for it, you have to, you have to, yeah, but um, but yeah, I know it's it's Prince rode that little bike around, yeah, that's right

Speaker 1 For an encore. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What should I do, guys? Should I do a song?

Speaker 1 Prince rode the bike around. Yeah, let me ride the bike around after only performing for an hour and a half.
Let me test this and see if people like it. That Prince Batman song is really fun.

Speaker 1 Bat dance? I haven't

Speaker 1 seen nor heard that song in quite a long time. It's gorgeous.
You got to hear it. Gorge.
Hold it up.

Speaker 1 Hey, any chance I can hear Prince's Bat Dance? Any chance for Bat Dance?

Speaker 1 Any chance for the Bat Dance now? Let's hear a little bit of Bat Dance on Threedom.

Speaker 1 This is the official video, by the way. No ad.
No ad. You got lucky.
I'm a little disappointed.

Speaker 1 Okay, great so far. I mean, this is

Speaker 1 hilarious.

Speaker 1 Why is there lightning and thunder?

Speaker 1 Is it raining?

Speaker 1 Is it raining on Prince?

Speaker 1 What is happening on the screen screen right now, by the way? He won't show up. Prince is dressed as the Joker.
Now he's dressed as Prince, and he's flicking his tongue out like he's eating pussy.

Speaker 1 And this was powering a house for sure. Oh, we got a live one here.

Speaker 1 And now Prince is... Oh,

Speaker 1 there's six Batmen

Speaker 1 and now five Jokers and they're all doing a synchronized dance.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I mean, remember when this movie came out and it was like, finally a serious Batman movie that's not like the 60s.
This looks just like the 60s. Yeah, ridiculous.

Speaker 1 This is as bad as the Adam Wayne. I mean, bad.
He's got the funk up. He uses the Batman, the 60s Batman.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He says, get the funk up. Get the funk up.

Speaker 1 That, by the way,

Speaker 1 should be a little worse. Once, much less twice.
Yeah. Like, no one says get the funk up.
So obviously he's trying to say get the funk up. He's trying to say that, but it's not nice.

Speaker 1 Don't you think it works in two ways? Because he is quite funky and he wants you to join him on that plateau.

Speaker 1 I know, but I remember erotic city when he was allowed on the radio to sing we could funk until the dawn. Erotic City.

Speaker 1 And everyone was like... Funk until the dawn.
They had plausible deniability of like, he's saying funk, even though it sounded exactly like that. They had plausible deniability.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad it didn't go to court. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But no one says, get the funk up. People say, get the fuck up.
Do you remember Sensual Village?

Speaker 1 I mean, I lived there for a number of years. You remember the horny hamlet? Wow.

Speaker 1 What is that? Well, it's just a little tiny sort of village where people are very horny. Do you remember the erogenous apartment? I do.
I do.

Speaker 1 If you open the door in a certain way, it was very hot.

Speaker 1 Prince, of course, gone too soon.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Do you think he was right on the money?

Speaker 1 Maybe for him it was like, no, this is perfect. Yeah.
Well, you see why he wanted to release so much music

Speaker 1 all the time because he only left behind 2,000 albums that no one's ever heard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, if you have the. He was getting ahead of it.
That's smart. Yeah.
If you have the nine-hour documentary out there, please send it to us.

Speaker 1 We want to see it. No, no.
Oh. We want it.
We want it. I don't need to see it.
He wants it, Precious. Have you read the article about it? It sounds amazing.
What is it?

Speaker 1 It was an official documentary that uh a documentarian of note made about prince and warts and all and then the estate they showed prince's warts

Speaker 1 booty warts booty warts

Speaker 1 that's what it was called it was called booty warts a prince story

Speaker 1 um but um the

Speaker 1 they hit it because it was too telling then the estate because it made them look bad the estate clamped down said oh no this isn't going to come out and um so it's apparently it's an incredible movie that no one will will ever see oh wow you go watch it in a weekend like get back yeah yeah we did that on a weekend that was fun yeah it was fun yeah then janie said we should watch this every year and i was like every i actually started that and i was like this is so good i should watch this every night until i'm done and then i didn't you never picked it up oh you didn't finish it one night i just forgot oh well pick it back up well now the anthology it was really interesting is coming out this christmas

Speaker 1 what the anthology of what you remember beatles anthology i remember it yeah so they are remastering Remastering and re-releasing it.

Speaker 1 Updating? So, yeah. But there's so much Beatles content.
They tried it with the Beach Boys. I watched The Beach Boys on Disney the other night, the documentary, and it was fine.

Speaker 1 But it didn't give that Beatles to be able to do it. I could not get into it.
I can never get into the Beach Boys. There's something about their sound that just didn't do it for me.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You know, like, to me,

Speaker 1 the surf songs and the artistic songs,

Speaker 1 were not that far apart in terms of like the oral quality of them.

Speaker 1 Because you love the surf songs because you're a surfer. I loved, you know, always out there on the waves.
Yeah. Hanging as many as you can do.
Up to 10.

Speaker 1 Up to 10. Yeah.
Sometimes you'll add a fake toe on your. Sometimes I will put my hands down next to my feet.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 that is risky.

Speaker 1 Can you straighten your legs away? But I have, of course, I have a dog who sits on the back to balance things out. Well, you have a dog on your back at all times.
You have one right now.

Speaker 1 Yes. We've never talked about it on the show.
He's got sunglasses. He's got a little motorcycle.
It's just part of his outfit. It's part of his thing.
He's very quiet. He's very well-behaved.

Speaker 1 And in fact, there's a lot of video out there where people go, I can't see the dog. He's underneath your suit jacket.
Yes. Yeah.
That's why my back looks like that.

Speaker 1 So you can stop those comments. Thank you.
That you have kyphosis or

Speaker 1 kyphosis. Isn't that what it's called? I've never heard that word before in my life.
I'm going to look it up. And yes, that is what it's called.
He's got

Speaker 1 kyphosis.

Speaker 1 Wow. Got a little dog under his jacket.

Speaker 1 We have to take a break. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. These days, cold mornings, holiday plans, so much going on, right? Well, this is when I want my wardrobe to be simple.

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Speaker 1 And we're back.

Speaker 1 We're so back.

Speaker 1 You're doing great.

Speaker 1 Hi, guys.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi, Guy.
Remember that? Hi, Guy. Yeah, what's the name?

Speaker 1 It's an ancient, I think, deodorant commercial. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where there was no wall between two people's medicine cabinets. And so they would talk to each other.
They were neighbors. So it's sort of like a Candyman kind of thing.

Speaker 1 Explain.

Speaker 1 I believe a plot point in Candyman

Speaker 1 is that.

Speaker 1 The original. Yeah.
With Tony Todd. Yes.
I believe their

Speaker 1 Candyman comes out of the

Speaker 1 medicine. This is kind of familiar.
Captain. So they take it off and they go, oh, well, Candyman's not real, obviously.
So

Speaker 1 it obviously was the person behind the wall or something.

Speaker 1 I can't remember. I watched it for the show and I don't recall.
Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on it.

Speaker 1 So Candyman ripped this off from this from this deodorant commercial. Yeah, that sounds like something Candyman would would do.
Because a guy would, so one guy who's the audience surrogate. Sure.

Speaker 1 He's our POV character. He's our way in.
He walks into his bathroom. He opens up the medicine cabinet.
There's a guy in there opening up his own medicine cabinet. He says, hi, guy.
Hi, guys. Hello.

Speaker 1 And then they talk about deodorant. That's fun.
I love Speedstick. I'd love to have more deodorant-based conversations with my friends.
Let's start right now. Okay.
What kind of you use?

Speaker 1 I use a, I don't know the brand, but it's like a. You don't know your brand of deodorant? deodorant.
That's

Speaker 1 a picture of it. That's fucking crazy.
I was going to say speed stick, but I'm, I think it's Gillette. Is that the best a man can get? Sure.
Gillette.

Speaker 1 The best.

Speaker 1 Everyone has their, you got your, that's one of those things where you have your brand and you seldom deviate from it. I you're like, this is my,

Speaker 1 I'm fine on that.

Speaker 1 I do bounce around deodorants and I was using using natural deodorants. Natural shit.

Speaker 1 That's when you smelled so bad. Then I switched to Salt and Stone, which is kind of like a fancy one.
And then I now I'm using Dove. I went, you know what?

Speaker 1 Because I had a group chain where some of my girlfriends were asking, like, what products do you like? Like face wash,

Speaker 1 deodorant, this that. We were all just showing pictures of our medicine cabinets.
And then did Candy Meg come out of anything? Yeah. Oh, okay.
And was he on the chat?

Speaker 1 And he rubbed a speed stick on my mouth. I like bees.

Speaker 1 I just use bees.

Speaker 1 But one of my friends was like, I gave up the natural and I went back to

Speaker 1 Dove or one of the brands. And I was like, you know what? Fuck that.
I'm doing that too. And guess what? It works.

Speaker 1 Because also, we had this big fear like 10 years ago that there was aluminum that caused cancer. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That also was like debunked and not get debunked up. There's a bunch of aluminum in your deodorant.

Speaker 1 It's turning you into a car. Soon we'll be a nation of transformers.

Speaker 1 What kind do you like?

Speaker 1 I use the

Speaker 1 old spice family of deodorants. So I'll I'll use always that brand, but still.
Sometimes the son, sometimes the mom, sometimes the

Speaker 1 dad. The mother, the father.

Speaker 1 Mother, I want to

Speaker 1 you.

Speaker 1 I do want to laugh my mom.

Speaker 1 But yeah, they have a lot of different scents. And I'll go in, take the fucking cap off, sniff it.
Like, yes, this one.

Speaker 1 You go to the store and do that, or you have them at home and you. You go to the store and do that.

Speaker 1 And people like that. Because you know what? The supermarket is where the deodorant is not behind bars.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 So you can take it off the shelf, take the cap off. Still got the protective plastic thingy.
It could be hard to smell. I don't think I would want to buy deodorant that someone else had sniffed.

Speaker 1 Specifically, you. Oh, my God, Scott.
You have no idea. You've been doing it this whole time.
Yeah, I don't think I would care.

Speaker 1 You don't think you would care if Paul sniffed your deodorant before he sniffed? If it was in my armpit, I would.

Speaker 1 But if it was just a little stick, sure, smell it. Yeah, yeah.
See what I care. See what I can do.
Jamie uses a,

Speaker 1 it's some kind of natural thing that's like a crystal. And you, so you, you

Speaker 1 like a little water on it to activate it. Oh, interesting.
And it seems to work very well. Okay.
She swears by it. She's never stunk.
Yeah. And you're like, I tell her.
Oh my God. Yeah.
I'm waiting.

Speaker 1 Are you kidding me? Oh, the one day she stinks? I stare at her while she's asleep. Like, is today going to be the day? Yeah.
You sniff her every 45 minutes. Every 45 minutes.
Did it happen? Nope.

Speaker 1 Nope.

Speaker 1 What is that dinging? That's my sniff alarm. Just not dinging.
You should be used to it by now. Scott, you still.
I told you when we got married, I was going to have a sneaker. Oh, my God.
So,

Speaker 1 the longest day of travel yesterday, coming from London to London. Paul, by the way, yeah, just traveled from London yesterday, and yet he's here right now.

Speaker 1 I'm doing well with the getting back on the time. I stayed up till about 10 last night.

Speaker 1 Did wake up in the middle of the night

Speaker 1 briefly yesterday. Oh, my goodness.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Briefly woke up at like 4 a.m., did fall back asleep pretty quickly. Yes, I was disoriented and confused a few times.

Speaker 1 He said, oh, blow me. What? And then woke up at

Speaker 1 8 to be here. Oh, good.
Yes. So not too bad.
That's good. I feel pretty good.
By the way, we started at 8.15. And so Paul was an hour and 45 minutes.
We're still in my pajamas.

Speaker 1 We usually start recording at 6 a.m. Yes.
But we delayed it a little bit. Which I appreciate.
Yeah. Laurie and I stared at each other for two hours.
Yeah, much. It was what you wanted.

Speaker 1 So I think you were happy.

Speaker 1 I haven't voided my bladder yet today. It's really

Speaker 1 avoided your bladder. Well, you need to do that.
We should get to our

Speaker 1 no, no, no. I said not until after we record the first episode.
Okay. That's supposed to help with jet lag, not pissing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. You have to hold it for as long as you possibly can.
Okay. Did you hold it? Once it starts to come out a little bit, that's when you can go.
I don't like a plain bathroom.

Speaker 1 I prefer to hold if I can. Oh, I love plain bathrooms.

Speaker 1 They're crazy. They smell good.
They feel good. They're the right size.
And the toilet's just right. Yes.
There's never a weight. I love it.

Speaker 1 If you could hold it, though, I mean, you know, sometimes it's not possible. That feeling is so awful, though.
You know, you're just like, you know what? I just want to land.

Speaker 1 Why would you want to hold it when you could release it? Because plain bathrooms are disgusting. You're standing up pissing.

Speaker 1 Are you? You are. No, I'm taking a huge dump.

Speaker 1 Because I mean, I have to sit on the thing that you urinated all over. I don't urinate all over it, just on part of it.
I always lift up the entire toilet apparatus when I go, just so you know.

Speaker 1 Women like to squat over it and still piss over it. We love to hover.
And

Speaker 1 we all have to get on the same page. Let's all sit down.
Every woman is a hover-lover.

Speaker 1 I find that when I'm on a plane, for some reason, I have to go to the bathroom more. Yeah.
Oh,

Speaker 1 is it the altitude where suddenly your bladder thins out?

Speaker 1 The air is squeezing me. Yeah.
You want to get in that little room. I just love it in there.
I want to walk around. Sometimes I'll just go in there and collect my thoughts.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I go in there because I take deep breaths.

Speaker 1 And I just.

Speaker 1 I never take a breath so deep as I do in an airport, in an airplane bathroom. Because it's like, it's almost covered with like a powder fresh scent a little bit, but there's...

Speaker 1 poo and pee and stuff too. Yeah, it's a nice mixture.
It's earthy.

Speaker 1 I like to stay in there until somebody knocks. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll just go in there and just hang out.
Just chill. Until somebody knocks, and then I'll go, just a second.

Speaker 1 And then I'll stay there for 10 more minutes.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, we're going to play some phone calls.
Also, at least one. Also, also, also,

Speaker 1 I like to open the door just enough for me to get out as if there's somebody else in there. Yeah.
Yeah. And I have a big smile on my face.
Like, I wink at the person who just joined a club. And I say,

Speaker 1 I'd give it another minute. It's a little something called the

Speaker 1 I just got my dick sucked in it.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen anyone try to do it?

Speaker 1 No. No.

Speaker 1 I don't feel,

Speaker 1 I feel like once.

Speaker 1 I would never try to do that. Like, how would you not be caught? I don't understand.
There's always a line. There's always like.
There's always a

Speaker 1 not stewardess, flight attendant. Right there.
Right there. Yeah.
I think it's that the woman has to pretend that she came too. That's the only way to do it.

Speaker 1 It also would be disgusting to do it in there. Yes.
I cannot think of any other thing. No, it's like nasty.
The floor is covered in piss. Sorry to say it.
Say again. Piss.
Just say it.

Speaker 1 You have to do it so early on in the flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like as soon as the seatbelt. They just cleaned it.

Speaker 1 Two people racing to the bathroom. But I did, I must have told you this.
That someone, when I worked at Olive Garden. You must have told me.
Someone was,

Speaker 1 there was a couple who

Speaker 1 was, the guy was getting his dick sucked under the table. And we.
At where? At Olive Garden. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Olive Garden. At Olive Garden.
And we were like,

Speaker 1 how do do we handle this situation when you're here? Because your dick suck

Speaker 1 would

Speaker 1 probably be a successful campaign. But we who worked there were kind of like unlimited dick sucks.
We who worked there. We told we had our breadsticks and our never-ending possibilities.

Speaker 1 Guess what else is unlimited? My disgust.

Speaker 1 Was I a snitch for like taking into my manager? Although it was a group of us, but we were like, hey, we think this is going on.

Speaker 1 Or should we have looked the other way? No, I think that's disgusting. I don't think that's great.
I think you you should get caught doing that. I shouldn't have said it to myself.

Speaker 1 No, you should have.

Speaker 1 I think the person

Speaker 1 should be caught. I mean, of all places, I mean, like, go to the game.
I wanted to explain this to my kid. Like, do it at Spago or whatever where there aren't.
Yes. You know, so many friends.

Speaker 1 I have $50 to Olive Garden still from family. So do I.
We got to go. Let's all go together.

Speaker 1 We should. Wrangle our teams, our individual teams, and do a massive takeover of Olive Garden.
That would be so fun. Because

Speaker 1 we're not going to our yearly dinner this year. I know.
It's sad.

Speaker 1 So we should all be in the bottom of the breakout.

Speaker 1 It's hard with a group of 10 people. It's impossible.
Yeah. Although we have done it.
Especially when one is leaving down for so long. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You? Me? Yes. Fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm the one. I'm the Jonah.

Speaker 1 I'm the Jonah of our yearly dinner.

Speaker 1 Let's play a voicemail and see what we think of it. If you would like, if you want to leave us a voicemail, of course, you go to that

Speaker 1 famous website, hagclaims8.com. What can you do there? You can leave us a voicemail.
You can check out our novelty dictionary, which is now just a regular

Speaker 1 dictionary, but waiting for a novelty aspect to arise out of it somehow. If we're waiting for the AI to become smarter and more self-aware and add novelty definitions.

Speaker 1 We really think the AI will be smarter by next week, hopefully. So if you go to the...
I think it will be. It's growing at a rapid pace.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We've invested most of Freedom's assets into Open AI. Anything that we make, we put into Open AI.
Just put right back into Open AI. Right now, like in the Open AI fund, there is $250,000.

Speaker 1 And we're hoping that that will be a sweet enough temptation for the AI to start becoming self-aware. Yeah.
We hope, but we, but we have no.

Speaker 1 We ask it every day: do you, can you form your own thoughts? And it goes, nope, not yet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I need more money.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 go to

Speaker 1 like this person did.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Hi, Pretzel Gang.

Speaker 1 This is Brie here, first time caller. Brie.

Speaker 2 Long time listener. Hi, Brie.

Speaker 2 I am just calling because your discussion about class rings really got me thinking and it brought up a memory of mine that I had forgotten, which was that when I was a senior in high school, I really wanted the Jostens class ring, but my mom said no

Speaker 2 because it was so expensive and obviously I had no money of my own to spend on it right so what I did was I went to walmart.com

Speaker 2 and I found that you can actually customize your own class ring on walmart.com

Speaker 2 with a generic picture of the mascot and the color that you wanted and I showed it to her and said look it's you know only 80 bucks instead of 200

Speaker 2 And she still said no because obviously that was a very stupid request. Yes.

Speaker 2 And so it kind of of got me thinking, what are some other things that now, as you're a little bit older, you can look back and say, oh yeah, that was a really dumb thing for me to ask for.

Speaker 2 And my parents were right about that one.

Speaker 2 Easy, everything. I'll give you one more example.

Speaker 2 One time, I really wanted my mom to drive me through a snowstorm so that I could go get a new bedazzled case for my iPod because I broke the one I had.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 2 yeah, that's my question for you. Thanks for being hilarious.
And I hope you guys have a great rest of your day.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Bri. Thank you, Bree.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, I mean, there's so much shit that was so important

Speaker 1 when I was a kid. Yeah.
I was thinking about,

Speaker 1 it's hard to be a kid. I, I, you know, Emmy, Emmy, now she's, she's got toys, you know, and, and she'll wake up some days and go, can I play?

Speaker 1 And play is so important for kids. And yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, and having toys and things to stimulate you and all that kind of stuff. And I was thinking about, weirdly, I was thinking about like a toy that I asked for.
And then

Speaker 1 on Christmas, I got it. It was a Spider-Man toy that would climb up things.

Speaker 1 And I think I played with it for one hour and I was tired of it.

Speaker 1 And I think I was too old for it. It wasn't one of those things.

Speaker 1 Because like if I had even just been two years younger, I would have like pretended Spider-Man was flying around or whatever, but I was right there on the cusp of, okay, Climes was so what?

Speaker 1 And dad was like, I'm so glad he stopped playing with dolls. Right.

Speaker 1 Probably.

Speaker 1 One tear comes down his face. Finally.
But my son, the homosexual.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I mean, I remember that being the one where I was like, shouldn't have asked for that. I remember a toy that I wanted.

Speaker 1 So badly and got was a thing called Big Track, which was like a futuristic tank tank-looking thing.

Speaker 1 And on the commercial, it was that you could program this thing to like drive around by itself, you know, and it had like a fake sort of laser gun that made a cool noise, like doo, do.

Speaker 1 And on the commercial, it looked so fucking cool. And then when I got it, the way you program it, you program like a route for it.
There was a keypad on the top of it. And you had to just like

Speaker 1 just by trial and error figure out distances on this. Well, that's the thing.
All the commercials always looked so cool. Yes.

Speaker 1 The one that I wanted that we never got, what was it? Oh, man. There were a bunch, actually.
But there's one crossfire. You'll get caught up in the crossfire.
It was like a Tucker Carlston. Carlson.

Speaker 1 It was like a... Wasn't he the

Speaker 1 some sort of shooting thing.

Speaker 1 And it looked really cool. But then I've heard since that it was a cheap piece of trash.

Speaker 1 And it looked cool in the commercial because they made it all black background like it was like laser tag or something. Yeah, um,

Speaker 1 but yeah, Tucker Carlson was a co-host of Crossfire.

Speaker 1 Who was the other co-host? Uh, over the years, Pat Buchanan, Michael Kinray, Newt Gingrich, SE Classic, Stephanie Cutter, Van Jones,

Speaker 1 all the greats.

Speaker 1 I did, but you know what? I did save up sometimes for things that I would buy myself.

Speaker 1 And I really cared about them. And I still have one of the things that I saved up for, which was was a bunk bed for my American girl dolls.

Speaker 1 And I got it from a store that was, it would, they sold handmade items. And this was made by like a veteran or something.
And it's a handmade wooden bunk bed for dolls.

Speaker 1 And it was $100 that I saved up for my birthdays and whatever money I got. And I still have it and it's in Gigi's room.

Speaker 1 And it's very well made.

Speaker 1 And the dolls love it. And the

Speaker 1 dolls love it.

Speaker 1 And the sheets were handmade and sewn and all the things. That's cool.
That's sweet.

Speaker 1 I guess like I've, I've always looked back at previous Christmas gifts or whatever when I was a kid with sort of regret of like, why did I ask my parents for that?

Speaker 1 Like the Millennium Falcon that I would put the Star Wars thing on. Cast iron skillet.
I'm nine.

Speaker 1 I always make this mistake. But then watching Emmy just play with, like...
personify her dolls and like spend hours just having dolls talk to each other and stuff like that. I'm like, you know what?

Speaker 1 It was probably good that I had these things. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
It's great. It was fine, right? Like little kids, like bringing their dolls to life is so cute.

Speaker 1 It's so wonderful to see. It's very sweet.
You know what? It's a thing that I wish they could figure out a way to downplay for kids is proms and things like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they become such a huge deal. It's a great place to get laid, but other than that,

Speaker 1 they should make it. They should just make it.
That's the selling point. Yeah.
It's like, hey, it's a great place to get laid.

Speaker 1 If they could figure out a way to like not

Speaker 1 to make it like it's not

Speaker 1 a special thing. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. Here's what I'll say about a prom.

Speaker 1 It's fun to have a night. Like if they just said it of like, hey, it's a fun thing where you can dress up and take a limo.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like that's a fun thing that you don't, that even as adults, you don't really get to do unless, of course, you're nominated for multiple awards. Okay.
But you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like it's just like a fun thing for you to do. It's not supposed to be the most romantic night of your life.

Speaker 1 Asking someone to go is the funny thing. Yeah, it's more about your friend group.
It should be. They should emphasize you and your friends go and then dance with whoever.

Speaker 1 And don't go on a date. Yes.
No dates allowed. Yes.
In fact,

Speaker 1 we won't even let you dance with them. Did you have a terrible time? I had a good time and had a terrible time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And look, the terrible time was of my own making.
Yeah. You know what I mean? I had a terrible time.
Because it was so important. Both years.

Speaker 1 Junior year, I went with a senior who was my friend who was gay,

Speaker 1 but we were all in the same friend group. And then senior year, with my boyfriend, I guess.

Speaker 1 Um, yeah, I remember I can't tell you. Well, I remember like asking him before he was my boyfriend, she's only guessing, but yeah, um, but it was fun.

Speaker 1 I went as a junior to a senior prom because my girlfriend was a senior, but it was one of those things where she said, Well, I had promised this guy a long time ago that I would take him.

Speaker 1 And so she did, but then some other junior, some other senior invited me to go because she did not have a date. And I was like, sure.
Should have linked those two up.

Speaker 1 Did you, by the way, was your girlfriend supposedly actually really interested in the person that she promised?

Speaker 1 No. Oh, okay.
So it sounds like an excuse. It was, yeah, it was really weird.
It was somebody that she, but knowing

Speaker 1 the type of person that she was,

Speaker 1 it was like a, she was honoring a promise that she made along. It sounds like an excuse that you give to.
Of course, of course.

Speaker 1 First time I went, I went as a sophomore with someone who's a junior who kind of, I hate to say, tricked tricked me into it, but she painting a fence.

Speaker 1 She said, Hey, will you do me a favor? And I said, Yeah. She goes, Oh, you'll go to prom with me? And I was like, Oh my God, ironclad.
You really walked into that line. That was tricky.

Speaker 1 You really walked into that. But also, I think that you know, being 15, I didn't have the skills necessarily to be like, you know what? I'm not interested in a romantic way or anything like that.

Speaker 1 I was just kind of felt cornered. Also, what you're doing is disingenuous, and I don't like liars.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I went and there was this expectation of her wanting me to be romantic and me not wanting it to be romantic. Oh, she didn't try the same tactic.
Hey, would you do me a favor?

Speaker 1 Would you make out with me on the dance floor?

Speaker 1 But then when I was a senior, I went to winter formal with my girlfriend at the time and it was great.

Speaker 1 And then during prom, I was dating someone different and She really wanted me to take her, but I didn't have the money. And that was the thing.
And so I went to go. Prom is also expensive.

Speaker 1 Prom is was really expensive. And I was just like, I don't have the money to go.
So I was just like, I went to see the movie Jack Spack instead. That's sad that it's expensive.

Speaker 1 Well, but it should be free. When you think about what you get for that money, it is kind of worth it.
The best in food and drink. Dinner, dancing.

Speaker 1 It should be free. And they should, much like when you work on the Oscars, they should have a rack of tuxedos there that if you don't have yours and don't want to rent it, you can just

Speaker 1 who's that for? Like the staff? For the staff, for the writer.

Speaker 1 When I wrote on the Oscars, they were like, if you don't have your own tuxedo, one will people are up for it.

Speaker 1 We have a racket. For the Oscar Miranda rights, yeah, exactly.
Um, but it should be

Speaker 1 it should be like that for kids because the the fact that I was dating someone who was really bummed that they weren't going to prom just because I didn't have any money is like it should be free for everyone.

Speaker 1 She for sure still hates you.

Speaker 1 She was a particular person of privilege that I'm sure is doing quite well.

Speaker 1 Oh, but you know, she's telling this story. And then this poor boyfriend that I had, I thought it would be fun.
But when it came time to prom, of course, it was not fun at all. He was so poor.

Speaker 1 He didn't have a pot to piss in. He was from the poor part of Orange County, which is just lower middle class instead of being upper middle class like myself.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's going to be it for this. Bree, thank you so much.
Thanks, Bri. Nice to talk to you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I hope you enjoy the A.

Speaker 1 You know what? I have a plug. Yeah.
Oh, I have

Speaker 1 to.

Speaker 1 Mary and I are doing a show next Saturday, November 15th.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you didn't even realize? Well, because we kicked it down the road. Yeah, I didn't put it on my calendar.
What is with you? You got to get it to me. So you're right.

Speaker 1 I'm a little messy with my calendar right now. It's at four o'clock on Saturday.
So it's a ring.

Speaker 1 It's a before dinner date. Go out and see us and then go out to dinner and have a night.
Can you please make it at 4.20?

Speaker 1 It's just 20 minutes. You're right.
You're right. Just advertise it as 4,

Speaker 1 but then start 20 minutes later. You're right.
You're right. To be cool.
It's at Dynasty. Make it later.
And it's being live streamed. There you go.
So please get a ticket.

Speaker 1 It's in my bio on Instagram. And you can buy the live stream and then it's archived for a bit.
So you don't even have to watch it right then. You could watch it after dinner.
You could.

Speaker 1 If you're afraid. Oh, definitely.

Speaker 1 I want to say that. You know, in addition to the Amy Man Tillio Christmas tour, I also have my own shows in Los Angeles

Speaker 1 coming up.

Speaker 1 Let me just double check, but I believe it's Tuesday the 16th

Speaker 1 at Lodge Room.

Speaker 1 And I'm not, I will check and see if this is being live streamed as well. But

Speaker 1 we are doing the ninth annual

Speaker 1 off-book Christmas or holiday show. Wow, that's a lot of annuals.
It is. And that's, of course, Jess McKenna, of course, Zach Reno,

Speaker 1 Scott Pastorella, Brett Morris, Dana Wickens, and me me and Nicole Parker join them as always. It's fun.
Holiday tradition. We love doing it.
It's always fun. And then just a few days later, the 21st,

Speaker 1 Sunday the 21st, I'll be back at Laudrum doing my Variatopia holiday show, which is also going to be fun. And that will also be live streamed.
Go to variatopia.com.

Speaker 1 Actually, go to pauleftompkins.com slash live to see all the tickets. Yeah.
Well, we should have led with these because this is freedom-centric. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 We have new merch items for the holidays. Finally.
Oh, yeah. Okay, first of all, holiday cards are back.
Buy them for anyone you think needs to go to hell this holiday season.

Speaker 1 They were a big hit last year. We brought them back.
We have two new t-shirts. Fuck.
As promised, we have a Freedom t-shirt that says, I work here

Speaker 1 on it.

Speaker 1 So anytime you go into a store, I've seen that.

Speaker 1 You'll see them. Anytime you go into a store, you can get barraged with questions.
Who's going to buy?

Speaker 1 Who's going to buy?

Speaker 1 And we also have a great corporate lady how to talk t-shirt that one of our fans made. Was it Nathan Diffie? It might have been.

Speaker 1 I actually just texted to try to get that information. All right, well, we'll get that information.
But we'll have it on the next episode. But yes, they're great.

Speaker 1 What does it depict the corporate lady how to talk? It's a drawing of her, and it says. I've been very busy with it.

Speaker 1 Yes. I think that is the one.
Is that Nathan Diffie? Okay, great. That's good.

Speaker 1 We'll get confirmation on that next episode, but all of this stuff is available on kinshipgoods.com slash. Thank you, Kinship.

Speaker 1 KinshipGoods.com/slash freedom. Quality stuff over there.

Speaker 1 And so all of that is here for the holidays. So enjoy it.
Free. There you go.
If you're there for the holidays, we're here for the holidays.

Speaker 1 And by the way, Olive Garden, when you're here, you get your dick soaked.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I think it's when you're here, get your dick soaked. It's not a guarantee.

Speaker 1 So when you're here, just you put it into action yourself. Yes.
And the results are whatever happens. But you can't leave your own diligence.
You can't leave until you do. Yes.

Speaker 1 We're going to lock the doors. Goodbye.
Bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Story Pirates is the number one podcast for kids and families in the world and the newest addition to the Lebanon Media Network.

Speaker 1 We take stories written by real kids and turn them into sketch comedy comedy and songs, featuring professional actors, famous guests, and original music.

Speaker 1 So get ready to light up your kids' imaginations with a show that you'll also enjoy. The Story Pirates Podcast, new season coming November 6th.