Triforce #315: Gordon Ramsay Bingo

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Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Travels Podcast. We're still doing this.
Still going? That's right. We're consistent, if nothing, nothing else, at least.
You know? Wow.

That's what you want, isn't it? You want us here year after year, day after day, day, week after week, month after month.

We're like Gary Neville of podcasts. Not very glamorous.
We get the job done. We just always...
We turn up. We are literally doing a podcast.
That's the most you could say.

I think I'm like the Gary Barlow of podcasts. You're going for Gary Barlow instead of Gary Neville.
A bit of a genius, you know?

Had some good ones,

some couple stinkers here and there, but mostly like really good ones. So you're saying that Gary Barlow is a genius? No, I'm just saying.

Well, I mean, he's not, I don't, I'm, I don't think he's a genius, but he, he, he has undeniably had some hits. He's had more, he's had more hits than I have.
He has had some hits. He's had some hits.

Yeah. What does that make me? Like the Gary Lineker of this podcast? I don't know.
What's what you feel? You're like the Gary Coleman of this

podcast. If we're going Gary.
There could be worse Garys to be than Gary Coleman, to be honest. That's true.
That's true. Glitter.
Yeah, he could be Gary Glitter. Yeah.
Godfrey thinks.

Well, that's that's a great place to start, isn't it? God, that's uh, yes, that's get it out on ourselves.

Get it going, yeah, I gotta get it going. So, what have you? So, what have you done this week, guys? Sips, Pirian, what have you done?

Anything interesting? You've been anywhere, have you done anything? Have you seen anything?

Have you thought about anything? Not really, no. I still got tons of stuff happening on my house, which is progressing nicely.
Almost done, I think, now. Finally, I know.

Well, man, as we've had a lot of time. Which part of it are they working on now? The rooms are the old rooms.
So, like, my kids are in their new rooms. They're all done and stuff.

We just need to get some wardrobes painted. And then we just need the master bedroom, just needs to be repainted and stuff.
And then we're done. So it's a good thing.
Now,

what is your style of decoration?

Is it like just classical Greek? Just columns everywhere.

Marbles

everywhere. We go for the gold.
We go for like the dictator chic, you know, like we like the gold plating on everything. We like to, we like toilet gold plate.

We're going for like a like a sort of like a like a Gaddafi

sort of, yeah, like a Saddam Hussein's

over-the-top gold, gold, gold AK-47 on the back. Absolutely, God, yeah.
Every room has one, yeah, right, yeah, yeah. And just, just, um, just the case of infidel brick glass.
Yeah,

we've got a room full of um sneakers. I've got uh hundreds of pairs of sneakers and uh other and hats.
That's a class.

That's an MTV Cribs classic. I got one of those 500 baseball caps.
God, what is it? One of them rooms with

jelly beans in it.

Maybe I just got a jelly bean room.

Yeah. Yeah.
Fucking. Do you have like would you have like a home theater? Do you mean like would you have a cinema room? No, I don't think so.

I always said if I was gonna have a cinema room, it would have to be like Tony Soprano's cinema room, you know? Like, right. That's an actual cinema room.

I think if you've had, if you've converted, like like you know like my garage where i like i work from sort of thing yes i think if you did it up properly you could be like yeah it's a cinema room but if you just put a tv on the wall and then started calling it a cinema room i don't think it's really a cinema room it's just it's a room with a tv in it you know what i mean like i guess that's all a cinema room is but uh i you want the proper chairs the bar is set at tony soprano's okay home cinema room you know what i mean like he's got the proper chairs with like the drink holders and like

you could fit like probably like 10, 15 people in there. Like it actually feels like a cinema, you know? Yes.
And not just some half-assed, it's a lie, basically.

If you're telling people you got a cinema room and it doesn't look like Tony Street, you're lying. You are a liar.
Well, it doesn't have to be big, right?

It can be like, you know, a little rinky-dink one. You know, it could be a, it could be like a cut closet with, you know, black car.
Cuck closet, did you say?

Like a little cupboard. I was going to say a cupboard or a closet.
What's a cut? A A cuck closet is where you hide when someone's fucking your wife.

Your wife and her boyfriend are getting it on, and you're hiding in the

cuck closet. Yeah.
Yeah. You've got to have enough room to jerk off to.

You know, that's what they call the single chair in a hotel room, is the cuck chair. The cuck chair.
Right, I see.

Because a lot of the cuck porn seems to take place in a hotel because obviously you don't want to do it where your neighbors can see you bringing somebody.

So they have a guy watching sat in that chair. And that's the cuck chair.
You sit there and watch some dude rail your wife.

You know, people say don't kink shame. I won't.
I think you, you know, I would just say there are a lot of stories

what they call cuck regret,

which is a specific,

sort of very, very specific angle that you see on Reddit sometimes, like cuck regret story.

Reddit seems to be full of very, very specific angles. It's it's that kind of place, isn't it? It's very angular.
It is very, very angular place. Yeah.

I've been enjoying getting into running because I felt that I just sit around on my fat ass all day, so I should do some exercise. And

I've been doing running for the last couple of weeks.

I'm currently on an off day because I ran for like four days in a row. You should have an off day.

I'm just building up gradually to running a little more.

And anytime I'm going to like pop to a shop or nip to the bus stop or whatever, I'll run there just to try and get a little bit of exercise in all the time throughout the day. But trying to do

a mile or two run in the in the morning i get up i get out i and now that it's spring it's made it a lot easier because i bloody love spring so is this off the back of your fun run or not fun run um fun walk remembrance no yeah uh this is off the back of um i think general anxiety a lot of the time uh you can alleviate fears about getting older if you feel like you're doing something to mitigate the damage of sitting around being old So it just helps with my general sense of well-being to just yeah, I think a lot of people that's good.

Does it get your heart pounding? Oh, yeah. Does you get sweaty? Do you have a heart? Is your heart like shoes? Is your heart like beating out of your chest? Yeah, it's like really hurts.

Going for a run is really, really, really painful. Yeah.
Painful in your, in your, to your heart. Just everywhere.
Oh, okay.

Because I know it is not something I've ever really done. I've never been someone who does a lot of long-distance running.
Never enjoyed it.

Do you think you're going to get hooked on it now?

I don't know if I'll become one of those people that gets hooked on it because to me, it's just more of a means to an end rather than something that I like, oh, I love it.

But when it's a bit muddy and you're running through the mud that's spraying up on you and the weather's miserable, I quite like that. Yeah, I really do.
Yeah.

But when it's in a beautiful day, I kind of feel like, well, this could have been a pleasant walk, but instead, I just wish I was dead. That's how it feels.
Do you like stomping through the

part of the more miserable it is, the more gratifying it is to be out running in it because you feel like a hard man on one of those SAS shows. Right, I see.
You're like steam's coming off you.

It feels manly and outdoorsman-like. Right, even though you're not.
You feel like you're jumping out of a helicopter in combat. Yeah, yeah.

Except you're running through like a muddy flax park. We're going to have to drop you one click outside the landing zone.
One cake. One

cake outside.

Follow the string of cakes to the target. We know that we have to keep you topped up with cake.

Well, we know what you get into in shape.

That would get me going for sure. You blow your cover as like, you know, just an average dad, you know,

keep that bod.

Oh, my goodness.

Have you guys played Monster Hunter Wilds?

Don't ask me why I'm at it. Not my kind of game.
No, me neither.

I've never played one before, and I don't, and I've watched a couple of people playing it just to, you know, get an idea for it or whatever. I probably still won't play it.
It just doesn't appeal.

I don't know.

I think I just missed the whole... That's enough for me.

yeah well no i enjoyed the last one and the thing is i tell you why i didn't enjoy the last one i didn't enjoy the last one not because i'm a vegan or anything and killing animals is so abhorrent to me here he comes but i didn't like it because it's one of these games where i wanted to i think the the weapon i picked was like hammer or greatsword or something like something really slow and i found that like i would swing my sword and the monster would be like next week when i when when my my hit would land you know it it was so difficult to

land the hits because it was real, like, kind of a timing skill-based. One of the, it was a game that was on purpose slow.

Like, you're supposed to sort of predict where the enemy's going to go, yeah, or work with a partner who stuns them, and then you come in with your mega hammer and clonk them for a million damage in the head, you know, right?

Yeah, but I just found it, I found it difficult to, I think some of these games are just better with friends, and I don't have friends. I think that's the issue.

So, when I come home in the evening, like, you know, the times I have available, you know, because I tend, I tend like. I come home in the evening.

Baby, I got nothing to play. I got no friends on Steam.
Oh, baby, feeling the same way.

Oh, exactly. It's more.

I was thinking about this the other day, right? Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do we really want to do video game chat for another day? No, he's talking about having no friends now.
So it's, I'm,

that's a topic I want to hear more about. Every day, every day, I change.

Every way you get a little bit of a hang out with my friends and we play games and we record podcasts, we chat, and we socialize and all this, right?

By the end of the day, I'm normally like tired out from socializing. Your social battery is running.
Yeah.

And I often, sometimes I get high, I sit on the sofa and I like fall asleep a little bit or doze off.

And then I'm like, it's only like seven o'clock at this point, you know, and I get up and I'm like, oh, God, I have to make something to eat.

So then I, you know, I'll cook something easy, like make a curry or pasta or something, you know, because I can't be fucked to do anything that requires any kind of effort.

Um, even like putting the air fryer on is too much effort. I'll just boil something or, you know, Mike West.

What do you mean you're you'll just boil something? What is that? I'll boil some pasta or I'll

what are you putting on the pasta? Give me, give me like a jar of Lulu. Lulu, give me your store-covered pasta.
Like, what are you doing?

How are you, what pasta dish are you making with your store-covered stuff? If you're lipping lazy, I've got like this corn or rice fusilier or whatever. It's like gluten-free, gluten-free pasta.

I heard that for the first time.

Or or is that the partner uh that's partner so you know it's it's it's just the same though it doesn't really make any difference it just costs a pound more or whatever um and to put that on put that in a pan that takes like seven minutes so they take

an ingredient out and they charge you more that's crazy

bit of bit of salt and pepper bit a bit of uh flora buttery on there just you know just a little bit just to make it nice just just a little bit

and then i've got um i've got kimchi i've got some um beetroot. It's called like, it's like Verdaz brand beetroot kimchi.
And they have regular kimchi, so it's quite nice. It's quite healthy.

And then I have a little bit of green greens on there, like a little bit of salady bits. And

Mr. Organic tofu ragu or something, like a major pasture.
May I interject? Go for it. This is why you don't give a shit about cooking.
It's delicious. Because at the end of it.

The only thing you have to show for it is the most miserable, sad, flavorless, bland meal that it's possible for a human being. Honestly,

for me, it's about like getting, ticking off the healthy things, though. You know, I want to keep my immune system going.
I want to like feel like

he eats to live. He doesn't live to eat.
For dinner, I enjoyed apple peel, which is very high in

mamesium and carbonate, very important.

I also then run my teeth. down a piece of wood to get some wood shavings in my mouth.
Water that has been boiled thrice and then left in the sun to soak up cosmic rays

and then i also uh infuse shake hands with a mouse and apologize for humanity's ills i lose i know where you're coming from though like uh okay here's the other option just whack on a bacon sardi mate and a little couple sausages or treat yourself love you know you've got to live a little right you ain't gonna last forever like whack it down with a few pints a car of sort of guinness oh lovely that's a that's a meal in itself them them two pints don't need nothing else i i just want to get it i just want to i just want to get it over with like i don't want to spend time cooking i don't even really want to spend time eating like i i just

god it's i i'm looking i you have been posting i saw you posted a picture of a paella oh my cooked paella yeah what about it paella sorry a paella did i tell you about that i actually i cooked it at the weekend so i didn't tell you about it i was i was determined to cook every week one big dish that i hadn't really cooked much before right to challenge myself to mix up the older dinners.

I think I talked about this previously. Where you see it a little bit.
You get into this habit of the same thing, the same thing. So I did a paella at the weekend, and it was a seafood paella.

And there's a very famous, locally famous fishmonger's called Sandy's in Twickenham, which is excellent.

And I went in there and I bought prawns, I bought squid, and I bought mussels and brought them home. And the lad, when he gives me, what was a kilogram bag of mussels in a net.
They're alive.

They're living mussels. He cuts a hole in the bag.
He He says, that's so they can breathe. You got to keep it open so they can breathe.
I was like, okay. I get home.

I had in classic Pyrrhian flax fashion. I bumbled into this like a moron, hadn't looked up how you're meant to look after muscles.

And what you're meant to do is take them out of any plastic and sort of put them in a bowl or preferably sort of what I did, lay them out on a tray and cover them with like a wet bit of kitchen paper or something so they can breathe and they don't get too dry.

I just left them in the bag thinking, well, there's a hole in it. That's what the lad said.

And they're going to eat them in like two hours anyway who cares like how dry are they gonna get no it's there's nothing about that they die and they die yeah then you're gonna kill them in two hours so who cares no like what's what's the problem so the problem is that they have an enzyme in them that when they die it break they break down and go bad very quickly and you can get really bad food poisoning and shellfish food poisoning is you never want to go there it's really within like fucking within two hours yeah it's got it's got to be fresh you cannot cook and eat dead mussels I don't think,

I mean, I understand if you're leaving them in the fridge overnight and they're dead or whatever, but like, you know, I think if it's

not okay. Brother, I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
You have to kill them seconds before you eat them. And what, so what you do is you, so we checked and they were all dead.

So I put the pie off till Sunday. How did you check they were all dead? Because they're open.
And when you tap them, they don't close. Oh.
So what you do is we bought the muscles.

This time I looked after them. On Sunday, I looked after them.

And then me and my eldest, we got the muscles and you look at each individual one if it's closed you put it in the okay bowl you're like that's fine if it's open at all you tap it and it closes like literally slowly closes like a venus flytrap like

that if it doesn't close or it's broken you toss it and then when you cook them you only cook them for like six minutes five six minutes you just sort of put them in a pan with boiling with a little bit of boiling water at the bulk and they're steams and when they open up they die they open up you can eat them if they don't open up you toss them and that's how you you do the muscles so i've never done that before learned something about that and it was delicious the payo was delicious i did see on the end there was a kurtz gazart video about meat this week yeah i saw it yeah i think it was it's they they have a very good attitude towards these things they did a video on how good milk was recently which i disagreed with but um they they were they

like nutritionally or or like to use in stuff i think milk is they consider milk to be like an important way to feed the amount of people we have on the planet and it's a big it's a good source source of people for well certainly babies and stuff yeah but i mean yeah i think it's more in developing countries where they don't have access to like it's resources like protein and easy protein and stuff like this anyway um they did this great video on where your meat comes from because there is this great you know problem in our society which is we all love animals but we don't love

we we keep quiet how we get to they get to be on our plate right yeah and they actually mentioned mussels at the end of it which was, um, and he was like, Mussels are basically a plant, so go fucking ham and eat them.

Yeah, no, they're like, my kids were like, oh, I feel bad. Because, like, when you tap them and they move, it feels like, oh, they're, it's a living thing, which it is.

But equally, there's, there's no consciousness to

me, like, it's literally just a tiny little muscle, literally a little muscly thing that just opens and closes a shell. There's no intelligence, there's nothing.

It's all, it's literally the same as to me, it's the same as eating a plant. It has no senses.
It has nothing.

It's just like a big chemical reaction, which you could say all life is a chemical reaction, but some of it is a sort of a chemical, electrical reaction that leads to something like a consciousness.

Muscles ain't got a consciousness. Come on.
It's a muscle. It's, yeah, they're, they're very

heck of a lot of justification.

There's such problems. It's interesting to know this, right? Because, you know, one of the, it is interesting.
Like,

I'm, I'm vegan, obviously, but at the same time, I'm one of these people who is reasonable about it, right?

Like, if you're, if I can, if, if there's a chicken and it's produced some eggs and I can see the chicken and it's literally like, I'm cooking an egg that's 10 meters. It's crying its eyes out.

My baby! My egg!

Yeah, like that's not a problem, okay? Like, I think that all rational people should agree that if that egg was going into the bin, you know,

it's better to eat it. It would just be going into the bin, you know, it was being transported across the planet, you know, in a a jet plane.

It's not, it's not the same.

And I'm not saying that, like, there isn't an argument that, you know, me eating an egg means I might get a taste for eggs or be giving other people saying that eggs are okay that leads to them eating an egg.

And who knows what the, you know, the ramifications are. But I think that I'm, I try and be reasonable.
And I think when

it's, it's, you know, it, it does a can a muscle feel pain. I mean, obviously yours can when you go for a run, P-Flex, but

um,

and I think it's interesting to you. The thing is, you often, we, especially today, so much of our information comes to us in dribs and drabs, in bits and bobs.

Like, you know, I'll be told hundreds of different facts today, and I won't be able to check every single one. And some of them I'll like the idea of, and I'll just believe them.

And I think this is why misinformation is such a problem.

And I think even, you know, the people who are running the world are surrounded by this where they've seen a little thing on Twitter, they've seen a little factoid, or someone's mentioned something to them, they've taken it at face value, and that's now part of how they see the world, right?

Do you mean like, for example,

the current flavor of the month opinion that Ukraine started the war with Russia? That kind of thing. Precisely.
Like stuff like this.

Like you can see how these things, but actually not that's obviously like a big one that feels well maybe they shouldn't have elected a dictator.

I'm talking about, I'm not talking about all the tiny misinformations that lead to that being the case, right?

Like all the tiny little things where it's like, you know, they provoked him and blah, blah, blah, blah. And like all of the reasons why

someone might fall for a bigger lie. It's all the lies.

It's the mini lies that lead to

that provide the groundwork to the big guy, right?

Death by a thousand cuts.

That's how we're all going to go, guys.

So anyway, I feel like I never liked muscles because I remember I had to go to a fucking French trip one time and for some reason my parents had encouraged me to put my lunch choice as mussels.

Say, oh, you love mussels. Everyone else had ordered chips and a burger.
That's such a parents' thing to do.

And I had turned up, you know, at this fucking French restaurant and had to have mussels while everyone else was. And I hated it.
I absolutely hated those disgusting chewy nodules. And

they shouldn't be chewy.

Nodules is a good word. They shouldn't be.
But the Kurtzkazak video made me think, oh, maybe I should give them another go.

But I haven't done my research. Do you know what I mean? Kurskazakt have lied to me before.

And they're not the fucking, you know, bastions of integrity that they purport to be, quite frankly. I can't.
Goodness me. Shots fired.

When people talk about seafood, I'm always...

I know I've said this before. I'm going to say it again.
And it's so off-putting to me. But anytime anyone mentions seafood, I think of Mr.

Bean getting sick in that hotel after he eats the seafood at the buffet, you know, when he's trying to one-up the other guy. Yeah.

And he realizes too late that he's eaten all those bad clams or whatever, and he's sick in the hotel.

And every time seafood is mentioned, I think of that scene where he's laying in bed and he's got like fucking boxes of tissues and like Pepto-Bismol bottles like next to his bed.

And I just think, oh, God.

My partner called me, Mr. Bean, the other day, honestly.
Like, she was like, I think I came home carrying something awkwardly or whatever. And I came in and I was like, oh, hello.

And I went to give her a hug. Hello.
And she was like, she was like, this is the most like, you were like, awkwardly.

That's like one of those TikTok, the new ick unlocked trend is

partner resembles Mr. Bean for a moment.

You know, when he goes to the doctor's office and he goes up to the reception, she's like, name, please. Bean.

Yeah, it's great.

I love it. It's so, um, it's kind of so because he doesn't speak much, it really has translated to like every country in the world.
You know, it's very clever. It's like Benny Hill used to, right?

It's like a lot of Benny Hill was very popular outside Britain for some reason. I don't know why, but um, you know, the slightly sped up chases, the Benny Hill chases, yeah,

some girl's bra would come off and she'd be like, oh, and he's running around like a pervert, and then he slaps that old man on the head like really fast. Very, very popular on the continent.
Love

it. Yeah, of course.
Yeah. It's universally, it's very easy, right? Because most of the humor doesn't come from any kind of, it's a physical, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

I always thought Benny Hill must have been a bad guy, but apparently he wasn't. I can't.
No, I think he was a bad guy. Yeah.
You think he was? I think I heard some.

I've definitely heard terrible things about it. You've heard

serial womanizer and

pervert, as far as I can recall. Absolutely.
Yeah. And do you know what? What another one? I've got no backing for that.

I can't find him.

But I've definitely write in.

Yeah, tell us if you got any experiences with Benny Hill being a pervert. Massive perv.
I'm sure he was. But Joe, I'm happy to be wrong if you're right.
Do you want to hear his personal life?

Benny Hill was noted for his frugality. He never owned his home in London and preferred to rent a flat rather than buy one.

He rented a double-room apartment on London's Queensgate for 26 years until 1986 when he moved to Fairwater House in Tennington, not far from me.

While looking for somewhere to live, he briefly stayed in Southampton.

Despite being a multi-millionaire, he continued with the frugal habits he picked up from his parents, such as buying cheap food at supermarkets, walking for miles rather than paying for a taxi, unless someone picked up the tab for a limousine, and regularly patching and mending the same clothes.

He never owned a car. He never married.
He had no children. He proposed to three women, but none accepted.

Is this really before or after fame? When famous. Wow.
Really? Wow.

He spent a lot of time in France. He spoke fluent French.
And when he died,

his estate was equivalent to, in 2023, equivalent to £20 million.

Jeez. So he was just a stingy bastard.

Who did he leave his money to? So in his will, he left it to his parents, oddly enough. But in the end, it was divided amongst his seven nieces and nephews.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.
Well, they got a windfall. Yeah.
So that's what's, you know, got to stay in touch with the distant branch of the family or not.

Yes. Just hopefully

during the night of October 4th, 1992, following speculation that he had been buried with a large amount of gold and jewelry, grave robbers exhumed and broke open his coffin.

It was reburied and covered with a thick concrete slab. Oh, my God.
Pearl Benny. Got to say, you know, that's a profession you don't hear much these days.
You've got to be fucking

insane

to open

a casket that's been under the ground for any period of time. Like, you really have to be.
Yeah.

I mean, I'm complaining about, you know, leaving muscles in the fridge for two hours you know imagine what it's like if someone's been dead under there for a fucking series oh my god even just for a couple of days like

god what are you doing well that's why uh you know that's why some people don't make it as a grave robber and some do that's a part of the business i wonder if there's a i wonder if there is like uh like a story of like the greatest grave robber that ever you know there's always there's always someone who's like been very good at something right but lucky daniels he was called yeah yeah you never seven foot tall as strong as an ox and he had no nose

how did he smell how did he smell father terrible

no but seriously he had no nose he couldn't smell he's actually like a kind of secret superpower though of a lot of these

jobs like the you know you you hear about someone who's like how did you get into this weird thing it's like oh well i'm i bet i can't fucking smell and it's like okay that joel that explains why you're able to pull it off you know i think it's called um anosmia yes you've got to lean into your

hidden talents. Yeah, a nosmia means.
It's not one that you see on Britain's got talent, is it? The lack of a smell, but consider it a talent. Oh, I've seen one of my least favorite words.

In the description of what a nosmia is, the word polyps has popped up. Polyps.
I hate the word polyps. Yeah, polyps is a nasty one.
Polyps.

Yeah, I feel like it's very fungal, isn't it? Of all the awful ways to make money,

grave robbing's got to be up there as one of the worst. Grave robbing's pretty bad.

I mean, but then again, in a video game, you're fucking digging up those graves left, right, and center. Yeah, but you can't fucking stop yourself.

I'm just anytime you see a mound of stuff in video games that I would never do in real life. I'm renovating a house, I'm mowing lawns, I'm fishing.

You know, I wouldn't do any of this stuff in real life. I only do it in a video game.
Like, you know, it's a fantasy escape.

So, yeah, of course, you're going to dig up a couple of graves and run over a couple of grandmas with your car and stuff like that.

You know,

it's an outlet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is funny how. You clean a whole house in a video game.
I just

realized that. It's kind of

clean as shit.

It's absolutely awful when you think about it in real life. But video gaming has kind of not normalized these things, but it's just a trope, you know, in video games.

It's almost like a you can grave grave robber is like a cool

games you will rob. In most games, you will rob a grave.

There's very few that exist where there isn't some at at some point.

You might get a disease for doing it. Do you know what I mean? There might be some sort of debuff associated with it.
I always hate in Dungeons and Dragons and stuff poison or disease. Yeah.

And it's always getting the cure for it. It's like, you will need to find the diamond of Numenor.
Take it to the sage known as Clovis and have him create the remedy for a thousand gold pieces.

Oh, fuck off, dude. I just, you said, Do you want to? That's another potion that said,

but Hero, you appear to have 725 health potions. I'm saving them for later just in case.

I always high-end every fucking game with his potions with so many potions. What? You haven't used a single one of your explosive potions.
No, funny land.

Just waiting for the most fucking boring item in any game ever, the explosive potion.

Like, everybody finishes the game with like 20 of them, never used because, you know, you get a sword or something and say you just use that.

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You know what I was I was watching something the other day about the like the early days of Dungeons and Dragons and stuff like that and the the guys that uh that obviously came up with it were probably like young college-age guys.

Yeah, uh, it was the 60s or 70s. I can't remember whether it was late 60s or early 70s.
I think it was 70s. And they sort of started coming up with these role-playing games.

I always thought it was funny that obviously when it comes to wizards, why do wizards in D ⁇ D and stuff pretty much always classically are these weak, very smart, but in physically completely useless people?

yes because gandalf certainly wasn't that in like lord of the rings and he's like the archetype or fantasy wizard well he's old though i mean he is old and i think there's a frailness about him yes he can fight

rides around on a horse does all he defeats a balrog and he ain't he ain't like in like decrepit they never like Gandalf was lagging behind again. Come on, Master Gandalf Christ.

We're trying to get there today, please. You'd be so fucked up if he was like really young, but super wise as well, but nobody took him seriously.
Why?

He was like 13 years old and is, you know, he hadn't quite hit pure, or he was just like

starting puberty.

A little bit like Harry Potter, but imagine, you know, he had like the stature of Gandalf, you know, like... So he's a big lad.
He's no, he's not.

He's a small child, but he's like super wise and super powerful. Okay.
And

expects people to sort of follow along with him because he's so wise, but nobody takes him seriously. Is that basically Harry Potter? I don't know.
I don't really care for Harry Potter.

I've seen a couple of the movies. That's it.
Well, J.K. Rowland's super yacht was in Jersey the other day.
Oh, yeah. And we had a bomb scare at the airport yesterday.

I tell you what, this fucking, this whole world is crashing and burning. Like, I've never known anything like it.

Now he says it's crashing and burning. Man.
Okay, there was a bomb scare at Jersey Airport. Tell me.
There was a bomb scare at my local airport. Okay.
I'm sure you can give me this.

like that's pretty scary it was closed for like an hour wow it was

they had to they had to make sure that there was no bomb it was an actual full-on bomb threat at the airport it's not not just a time waster well i think it was a time waster yeah i don't think there was a bomb up there not sure i trust the people here to actually even find the bomb and if they did find the bomb defuse that either what do you mean you don't trust people you don't trust the jersey people you're one of them

eight people on the island dude i mean what a the challenges.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
So there is that about it, too. But

you've got like loads of people go off to Jersey, and you've probably got better.

It's mainly Germans these days. That's it.
Really? Yeah, they love coming here for some reason. I don't know why.
We love Jersey. We were so close to Operation Sea Lion.
Yes.

Invading Britain just was as close as we got. So it's just nice to think what might have been it is it's so nice to think how close they got

almost out back in the good old days

reach out to touch it. That's how close it was.

Oh man. Anyway, I think a bunch of them got delayed going home because of the bomb threat.
So oh have you seen that old

ironic, isn't it? That old comedian, that German comedian get in the crowd to like do like a call and response thing where he says something and they respond, he says something, they respond.

And when he says Sieg, they all say hi and like and he's like, whoa!

Yeah, it's like an automatic response for this certain generation of people.

Well, there's this thing where, you know, if you're having a chat with people of a certain age or having people, people, people around,

playing music from their 20s really is kind of very stimulating.

I saw it. this as well.
Your 20s are the era where you most remember stuff. And it's very common to have memories of those times triggered.
But also, I think

if you have been to a lot of these, I don't know, parties or rallies in the 20s, sorry, in a certain era,

because

he didn't just have one call. It wasn't like C.
Kyle was the only one. There were a ton of them that he went through and he kind of primed them to quickly.

Do you think he did like the Will Smith Carlton Banks or no, sorry, the Will Smith DJ Jazzy Jeff

super handshake as well with a couple of his like tall brands?

That one, the one where they would smack hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure that Hitler and DJ Jazzy Jeff have a lot in common.

Yeah, you never know. You never know.

What if it came out that Carlton was a Nazi?

They did an episode of Who Do You Think You Are on Carlton Banks, and it turns out that he had roots as a, he had some roots dating back in

Nazism.

What are you talking about? Nothing. We're just talking bollocks.
Carry on.

So,

oh, where was I? I don't know, actually. I've forgotten.
Sorry, Lulu. I'm coming down to Bristol in a few weeks, Lulu.
Yes.

I've booked in, we booked in a recording for a games night, which is exciting. I love a games night.
What are you doing while you're there? Just visiting.

I like to come down and check in every

few months, see everybody, go out for some drinks, record some stuff, have some fun. Every now, go out and dinner with Lulu, you know, just see everyone.
It's not far. No, I love Bristol.

Love going out. Good.
Always have a good night. And got lots of friends in Bristol now.
So, yeah, I love it. I'm the opposite.
I got so many enemies in Bristol.

And I find as soon as I get off the plane, I'm just like

sort of like beating them all back with a stick. Yeah.
So I don't go anymore. There he is, got him.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then they went around with pitchforks and stuff.

Yeah, so I got to run away and sped up like Benny Hill style. Benny Hill style.
What is it that you did? What did you do that means that they hate you? So I think I'm just a really incredible guy. And

if they hate me, they're jealous. It infuriates them.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just so amazing, you know.
That's understandable. Yeah.

That people would be jealous of your, you know, whatever the fuck you got. They seem to be rolling and they are hating all the time.

Yeah.

So, um, so yeah. So that's why I don't go.
I played a few. I played a few more games on

Nextfest and the demos. I played Blueprints.
I thought it was amazing. Yeah, you know what? When I was telling you about it the other day, I was like,

it dawned on me that the name of the game is called Blue Prince. And like, you know, there's Blueprints in the game.
You know, like

I didn't get it at first. It did not click for me.
No, I didn't either. But then I did, and I was like, oh, that's clever.
It's really clever. Yeah.
Raise a shop, you like it.

It's a cool game, isn't it? It is a cool game. It's cool.
I'm really excited for it, actually.

I'm not normally excited for games.

There's another good one that's uh i think there's a there's i played the demo of it a couple of months ago called uh hollywood animal which is like uh you you run a uh you run like a uh like a cinema empire sort of thing it's by the people who do uh this is the police

it's really cool though the demo is good and i think the game's coming out next month so this is another one you can check out if you want okay you're looking for great recommendations i have been playing football manager still nice and i am been watching gordon ramsey's kitchen nightmares and we've i've come up with a Gordon Ramsey Kitchen Nightmares bingo.

Right. Do you want to hear it? Yeah.
All right. So these are the things that I guess when you watch a lot of episodes, you realize he says the same shit over and over again.

We're like, what are we doing on this podcast?

Of course. I mean, you could easily do

a bingo for us. So I've done bingo for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 23.

23 episodes we've done the bingo for and out of that 23 we've only achieved a full bingo one time. Wow.
Bingo.

We just get so unlucky. So here's the bingo.
I'll go top left and I'll read left to right. So sort of top left to top right and then second row and then third row.

So one of the top left is owner on the source midshift. Right.
Because quite often they'll be like drinking on the job. The owner's drinking on the job.
Well,

it's a common kitchen thing, isn't it? That the owner would be like doing some drugs or something. Just

helping. Yeah.
So this is is a heavy.

Walk-in fridge freezer should be condemned.

Okay.

That's every episode, basically. So you'd be surprised.
Slimy chicken found in the fridge that was like three years old. But you think that's every episode.
It's not.

A waitress cries after being berated by the owner. Okay.
I guess not every episode, but it happens quite consistently.

Shouting match in the middle of service happens a lot. Every episode.
Owner says, our customers love our food.

That is a very common square. Yeah.
Gordon Randy says, Gordon Randy says, blow smoke up someone's ass. He goes, I'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass.
He says that all the time.

Everything is frozen and reheated. Very common.
The owner or chef backs their food. They normally say, I back our food.
They always say that. I back our food.

Someone storms out citing, I can't take this abuse. One staff member can cook, but is unappreciated.

Someone tries to fight Gordon or threatens him. The chef microwaves everything.
Gordon says, fuck me, which happens a lot. That's got to happen.
That's our free square in the middle.

That is our free square in the middle. The one next to that is cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.

And when you watch the American version of the show, the editors and the camera people pan slightly slower over a pair of bazooms and then to a face. Like they love getting cleavage shots in the show.

Really?

You notice it. We've watched so many episodes down there.
That must be a conscious editing choice. Honestly, Honestly, they must say

people will actively enjoy this more if we sneak in little fucking. Of course,

100%.

That's so cynical. I hate it.

I fucking hate that. I love it.
Oh, my God. Anyway, so the next one is simple two-word phrase, fresh frozen, which is something that comes up a lot.

Fresh frozen. Fresh frozen.
What does that mean? Well, exactly. What does that mean?

It means that they're getting frozen shit in, or worse, and they do this a surprising amount, literally making something and using it for the whole week.

So they'll sort of, I mean, pasta is a big one. You'll get these restaurants that are supposedly Italian restaurants, and they've got bags and bags and bags of frozen pasta or frozen meat.

Yeah, frozen pasta. But it's a stock.

It's begins to make it. It's already been boiled.
And then they no, no, like they've made fresh pasta. Oh, right.
And instead of cooking it that day, they freeze it. Yeah.
And then it just sits there.

And they'll like, he'll say, are these clams fresh? And they'll be like, yeah, they're fresh. They're they're fresh today.
And then the waitress will be like, No, actually, they're frozen.

He's like, So, it's not frozen. He goes, Yeah, it's fresh, frozen.
He goes, What does that mean? He's like, Well, it's frozen fresh, and we froze it, so it's fresh frozen.

And then when we use it, it's still fresh. And he's like, No, that's not how that works.
So, fresh, frozen. The next one is family business, but family is cursed.
So, that happens a lot.

What do you mean? What I mean is, like, there was an episode we watched the other day. Uh, the dad inherited a lot of money from his uh father $250,000.
And his son also received $250,000.

But the dad took the son's $250,000 and put it into the restaurant. So he stole his son's inheritance.
That is a cursed family.

Family cursed. So here's another one.
Shut it down. Shut it down before someone dies.
Yeah. Which is a phrase you hear quite often.

The decor is horribly dated and or dirty, which happens a lot.

I find that when they spruce it up, it still looks dated, though. Yeah, I mean, a lot of these were mid-2000s episodes.

Mountains of debt exceed 50,000. So sometimes they'll be like, how much are you in the hole for? And they'll be like, 2.3 million.
You're like, what?

It's crazy. Flies or other pests, clearly visible.
So

we've had a pigeon in one episode. And every time there's a fly, the Foley artists on the show add little

noises. It's so good.

Like when Gordon is pulling apart some horribly rotten piece of chicken, they'll add add like goopy noises over the top. The Foley work on that show is so good.

All right. So bottom left, chefs have absolutely no idea how to cook even basic meals.
Happens a surprising amount. Like they can't even fucking cook pasta.
It's incredible.

Owners break customers unfairly. That is one of my favorites.
We had one where the guy literally calls the, you motherfucker, get out of my restaurant.

And all the guy had said was, sorry, we've been waiting an hour and a half for our food. And his guy like threatens to fight him and calls him a motherfucker.

left. Server gleefully spills the beans on the parless state of affairs in the eatery.
So quite often, first of all, they always refer to it as an eatery, which is not a thing you hear outside the US.

But one of the servers will be like, Gordon will be saying, is this fresh? And she'll be like, no, it's frozen and it's awful. I wouldn't eat it.

And then she's like grinning, because finally someone's here to hear their complaints about this shitty place. That's always funny.
Menu resembles a phone book.

Thought that was going to be a free square. You'd be surprised.
It doesn't come up that often, but sometimes it does. And the menu is like eight pages long.

Oh, and the last, last, and it's, we always, almost always get this one. It's raw.
That's another one that's basically a free square.

Man, it's raw. And that's the bingo.
It is a, it is a, uh, a great show, though. I do, if it's on, I watch.
I am always stunned when

they're putting stuff out raw. And it's, it's really, I guess, like, are they, what, I don't, is it just because of the rush? Is that it?

So it's like they haven't got time to cook it through properly. But I would be, so I would think everything would be overcooked.
Yes, exactly. I'm an overcooker.
Right.

I mean, especially if you're cooking for people, you would be more worried about making them sick because that's where you get things like lawsuits and stuff like that. Everything got

drops into oblivion. Right.
Like if the option was,

you know, cook it quicker, but make people sicker, I would not do that. Cook it longer,

but the meat becomes stronger. You know what I mean? So I don't know what I'm doing here, but anyway.
So

the theme of Kitchen Nightmares, when it comes to the people that come to Gordon, first of all, he has about a one in six success rate for turning places around.

So as soon as the episode is finished, we look up what happened next. Almost always close within five to six months.
Almost always. It does

not have a lot of time, though, does it? No, no, no. I'm talking about

between them filming, between them filming and the episode.

And, you know, obviously, you probably wouldn't want the episode to go out because you're trying to relaunch and you're going to look like absolute cunts when this episode comes out.

Like, almost always, these owners are such awful, awful human beings that if the episode went out like immediately, they'd be even more fucked because everyone would be like, I'm not going to have a fucking restaurant.

That guy's insane. I see.
So it kind of gives them a chance. But it's always, it always fails because they are extremely stuck in their ways.

They've got this stupid idea that they know what good food is and they know how to run a restaurant. But these people have clearly never eaten good food.

Like, if you'd only ever eaten bad food, you'd think bad food was good i i'm in that i'm there i'm it is so common though that that that that that people are not fussy as well and will just and and also they tell someone oh grandma your food is so amazing oh it's so great like because what's the point in lying you don't want to upset your grandma or your mum or anyone right and so they get this false idea that they're brilliant cooks somehow yeah and they get this delusion that's kind of come because oh everyone who's eaten my ribs says they're the best ribs.

It's like, well, but

does that scale up to a business? Probably not. Exactly.

And sometimes it does. Like some of these guys do, they have no inventory management.
And they're like, I'm at this restaurant 10 hours, 12 hours a day, seven days a week.

And then you look in the fridge and there's just sometimes it's just bag after bag after bag of frozen chicken breast. And it's like they just keep ordering it in and they keep ordering it in.

They've got no point of sale like tracking of inventory or what's the most popular dishes. They're so reluctant to change.
And genuinely, they just don't know what they're doing.

And then a lot of time, they're just not very smart. I've done that though.
Like on Onicado, sometimes you just, they're like, oh, do you need more of this? And I'm like, probably.

I ended up with like fucking 16 bottles of toilet duck or something. You do that as well.

We do that. It happens, right? You can't.
But yeah,

I think when you're running a business, you can't. No, you're running a business because the chef in the kitchen should know, you know, what is what is important here? What do we need?

What are we low on? And instead, it's just like they literally don't know. It's crazy.
It is really crazy. But fun to watch.
I mean, it's just such a fun show to see Gordon go in.

Apparently, he quit because he just realized it was not making any difference. Like it was just literally not making a difference.
None of these

turnarounds. He does so many.
There's hundreds of episodes. He was making so much money from it.
Well, really? Yeah.

oh god but like dealing with it like it was it was basically kind of it's jerry springer style tv really isn't it like it's just so good it's it's just such a fun show the funniest thing to me is the difference between the uk version and the uh the american version first of all the uk version barely has any music in it the american version there is music continually and they use this instrument called i think it's called a waterphone it's like a ball or something and it makes this weird sort of like me

sort of sound i can't really do a replicate imagine if in a horror movie, someone like gets a creepy feeling behind them. It's sort of almost a wincing sound.
I don't know how to put it. Yeah.

But that comes up every

single episode, like continually. It's like a cue, a musical cue that signifies awkward interaction.
Yeah, exactly.

So like you, they have that, like someone comes into a restaurant, they say something awkward,

they edit in this like awkward silence and they put that cue over it, right?

Because they can, they completely can fake all this, whatever they want the interactions that they can they can construct its own

which is you know but it also makes it very stupid watchable telly and even though afterwards most people like oh my god that episode was so unfair they edited it this way that way they did get you on camera calling the customer a motherfucker like you can't complain about the editing that's just you being a cock

which is funny but yeah it's uh the editing is is is nuts um how they do it and uh i love it but the uk version it's so simple.

It's like silent, which makes it even more awkward when he's yelling at them. There's no music.
There's no cutaways.

Single camera panning between Gordon and these gauntless English chefs looking lost. And he's going, You don't know how to fry a fucking egg.

And it cuts to some 15-year-old kid who's just looks like he'd rather be in

prison than here in this kitchen with Gordon around. The production is very different, isn't it? Like across.

It really is.

I've been watching the US Traders where the production is actually identical um i hated that version the u.s it's what they were they were such unpleasant people they were like i came to win it's like they are it's it's crazy they're like in the tasks like the the contrast between like um the uk one the american one you know if there's a task and they have a chance to win a shield none of them will do anything except just go for the shield for themselves yeah they're all yeah they see it like a game yeah well i mean i i suppose it is a game so they you know and but the thing is, as well, the American one is all people that have been on other reality game shows.

Oh, yeah. It's not like the UK one is just, you know, people from the public.
Whereas, yeah, it's like a celebrity one, I guess, if you want to say that. In the American one.

But it's all people that have been on society. You're already dealing with big brushes.

It's people that have been on these reality games. It's people who

understand.

But then again, I think it's very quickly what happens is if you notice one or two people being that every man for themselves attitude, it it warps the entire group very quickly.

And everyone behaves in a similar way, they can't help themselves.

Like if it's the normal thing in the group to be jealous and um generous and forgiving and you know, accommodating and looking after, then that's what the bulk will lead to.

Like all it takes is for the majority to be assholes, for everyone to be every man for themselves. It's like a zero-sum game at that point, right?

There's no value in not being in our yeah, yeah, exactly. Like you might as well just because also there's no penalty for not, you know, the only penalty is is you losing.

I was um I was on a uh I was on another podcast. Sorry, I know this.
What the fuck? You cheat on the podcast.

I was a guest on

another.

It's like a game show, though. The Joe Rogan expression.

No, no, it's a, it's called, it's called SideQuest, and I just want to tell you guys about it because it was really cool and I had a lot of fun on it. And I just wanted to do a shout out to SideQuest.

It's by Bear Taffy, who's a friend of mine and a couple of other people that stream and that I'm friends with as well.

But so the whole thing is you get a group of three and he's done it like in season. So for us, it was season two, episode five.
There's two other people that I didn't know that I met.

They're just streamers, podcasters, whatever. And

so the idea is that you get a list of quests that you need to complete and you have to try to complete them all within a certain amount of time

against all the other teams that have been before you sort of thing.

In real life. No, it's not real life quests.

It's like it's stuff that you do in games. So basically you've got Steam open.
You get the list and then the countdown,

the countdown starts. So you're like against the clock, but it'll be like fish up.
five fish. So you're like, oh, what game can I fish up five fish quickly in?

But you can't do another quest in the same game. So there's like 10 quests,

but you have to be like, you got it, it's like testing your sort of, you know,

game normal. We did a very similar thing with like a bingo a couple of times in the couple of the last couple of years.
That's a bingo.

So there was a whole bunch of games that we were just like randomly installing. Like I did Hydra Nir, I had Minecraft and I had Papers Please to get get there.

Was there was one where it was get a fine. So I just went into Papers Please and got a citation like as quickly as I could.

Nice. That wasn't even my idea.
Like chat can help you. So like I was just, you know, trying to think like, what the hell can I do? And somebody's like, do papers please.
You can get a citation.

I was like, yes, okay. It's like a 200-meg game.
It installed immediately. And then I was able to get it.
But it was fun. And we came in 10 seconds

quicker than any other team. So we currently hold the record.
Yeah. It was good.
It was really fun. Really? Really fun.
Yeah. Well,

that kind of stuff is fun. Like doing these little challenges.

I think you have to make your own games around games. Sometimes.

It's fun. Yeah.
You can. Yeah.
Yeah. Because sometimes I'm just not in the mood.
Like yesterday, I was just like, I think I just, I just couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't.

Nothing's been grabbing me lately. I need a game to really grab me.
I've been playing

manager. I've been playing Victoria 3, but I've been just trying to do achievements.

So like instead of just saying, instead of getting stuck into it and being like, I'm just going to do this whole huge, massive campaign, I just like, I'm just cherry-picking little achievements.

So it's like, you know,

create the Bolivian-Peru Confederation. Okay.
It took me like two hours, you know, just.

um balancing everything out and stuff and then i got the achievement and then i just went and did another one so i've been i've been in kind of like you were saying you know it's like it's like making up games around a game but i like paradox Grand Strategy achievement hunting, it's quite fun because it just my friend Axel does that a lot.

He's got, I think, every time, I think he's got every achievement in Hearts of Iron. Yeah, uh, and every time a new DLC comes out, there's new achievements, so he has to do that.

Yeah, but yeah, I think it's I think it's a really fun way to play the game because it makes you try things that you normally wouldn't, you know. Like, sure.

So, did they just leave you to it, basically? A new

side quest,

or you will change the game. No, well, bear kind of like overseas.
So, you send him a video feed and you say, like, oh, I'm

fishing now. And he'll be like, yep, you caught one.
Yep, you caught two. And then, you know, he marks it off.
You know,

he's like, he's like the maestro. You know, he's keeping track of everything that's going on and stuff.
Yeah.

Okay. And then he's got to make decisions whether it counts or not.
You know, I'm just saying that a lot of reasoning sometimes. But it is a rip-off of an idea that we've been doing for years.

So don't say that.

This guy's ripping off an idea. So it's not, it's not.
Don't

say that. Is he giving credit to everyone else who came for him? No, of course not.
He doesn't even know. He didn't even say thank you once.
And I don't even think he was wearing a suit either, Lewis.

Well, that's what I'm saying. You know, maybe he should, you know, consider what he's doing.
Yes. Why are you sad about that?

But Plopsaland lives on unmolested, playing the fucking diggy diggy hole song. Yeah.
Plopsaland. Yeah.

Fucking...

Did you know what? He didn't even lawyer up to defend his arm. He didn't even lawyer up.
He didn't do shit. And now someone's...
You can't steal a fucking format, by the way.

Someone's taken a format and now you're...

No, I'm not saying that like, you know,

it's just like, oh, you know, you had a great time. Until you crunch, until you crunch on Blopsalan, I've got no sympathy.
Well, also, we're not doing it, are we? And he's doing it.

So, you know, I can't say anything because if we if we cared about it so much, we'd be running it every week. Exactly, bro.
But this guy's turned it into a successful format. He's getting...

content creators like sips in to do it and they're promoting it on their podcasts good for him do you know what i mean yeah that's good you didn't seem happy about it

though i do

You changed my mind. I'm willing to change my mind.
I've changed my mind and I'm fully supporting it. What's the guy's name? Let's show him out.
Bear Taffy. Bear Taffy.
Sounds like a nice guy.

Probably is. I'm sure.
He does stuff with Crendor as well. Are you Crendor?

Love Crendor. There you go.
Good lad. He's a good lad.
Yeah. There you go, Lewis.
Calm down. Just calm down, mate.
Jeez.

I am calm. I haven't done a podcast with Hitler.
Okay.

Maybe you should. You try it out.
Maybe you'd like it.

Maybe I would. I don't know.
Who knows?

Get on the fucking hawk tour bandwagon and start becoming a right-winger. Yeah.
There's a lot of money in that.

You're going to start a side quest cryptocurrency. Yeah, Sipscoin.
Yeah. There you go.
That sounds good. Yeah.
Classic Sips rug ball. Yeah.
In Jersey, too. There's no taxes either.

So you get even more. Oh, yeah.

It's a perfect place. Let's make Jersey great again with a rug ball.

Yes, let's make Jersey great again. Good idea.

I'll get the hats printed immediately.

Oh my gosh.

Well, thanks so much for listening, everybody. It's been a podcast once again, and we'll see you next time.

Certainly, hats. All right.
Goodbye. Bye.
Goodbye.