Triforce #315: Gordon Ramsay Bingo

Pickaxe.

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Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the travels podcast.

We're still doing this, still going.

That's right.

We're consistent, if nothing, nothing else, at least.

You know?

Wow.

That's what you want, isn't it?

You want us here year after year, day after day, week after week, month after month.

We're like Gary neville of podcasts not very glamorous we get the job done we just always we turn up we we are literally doing a podcast that's the most you could say i think i'm like the gary barlow of uh podcasts you're going for gary barlow instead of gary bit of a genius you know

had some good ones some some couple stinkers here and there but mostly like really good ones so you're you're saying that gary barlow is a genius no i'm just saying no well i mean he's not i don't i'm he's i don't think he's a genius but he he he has undeniably had some hits.

He's had more, he's had more hits than I have.

He has had some hits.

He's had some hits.

Yeah.

What does that make me like the Gary Lineker of this podcast?

I don't know.

Yeah, well, you feel me?

You're like the Gary Coleman of this

podcast.

If we're going Gary.

There could be worse Garys to be than Gary Coleman.

That's true.

That's true.

Glitter.

Yeah, he could be Gary Glitter.

Yeah.

God even thinks.

Well, that's a great place to start, isn't it?

God, that's

get it out done ourselves

get it going yeah i gotta get it going so what have you so what have you done this week guys sips period what have you done that's anything interesting you've been anywhere have you done anything have you seen anything have you thought about anything not really no i still got tons of stuff happening on my house which is progressing nicely almost done i think now finally i know oh man as we've had which part of it are they working on now the room

the old rooms so like my kids are in their new rooms they're they're all done and stuff we just need to get some wardrobes painted.

And then we just need the master bedroom just needs to be repainted and stuff.

And then we're done.

So it's

your clothes.

What is your style of decoration?

Is it like just classical Greek?

Just columns everywhere.

Marbles

everywhere.

We go for the gold.

We go for like the dictator chic, you know, like we like the gold plating on everything.

We like to, we like toilet gold.

We're going for like a like a sort of like a a like a gaddafi like a saddam

sort of yeah like a saddam hussein's uh

over the top gold gold gold ak47 on the absolutely god yeah every room has one yeah right yeah and just just um

in case of infidel brick glass yeah

we've got a room full of um sneakers i've got uh hundreds of pairs of sneakers and uh other and hats that's a cribbing that's an mtv crits classic i got one of those 500 baseball caps god what is it one of them rooms with jelly babe jelly beans in it a jelly bean i just got a jelly bean room um yeah

do you have like um would you have like a home theater do you mean like would you have a cinema room no i don't think so with like i always said if i was gonna have a cinema room it would have to be like tony soprano's cinema room you know like right that's an actual cinema room I think if you have, if you've converted like, like, you know, like my garage where I, like, I work from sort of thing.

Yes, I think if you did it up properly, you could be like, Yeah, it's a cinema room.

But if you just put a TV on the wall and then started calling it a cinema room, I don't think it's really a cinema room, it's just a room with a TV in it, you know what I mean?

Like, I guess that's all a cinema room is, but uh, I you want the proper chairs, the bar is set at Tony Soprano's

home cinema room, you know what I mean?

Like, he's got the proper chairs with like the drink holders, and like, yeah, you could fit like probably like 10-15 people in there.

Like, it actually feels like like a cinema you know yeah and not just some half-assed it's a lie basically if you're telling people you got a cinema room and it doesn't look like tony street you're lying you you're a liar well it doesn't have to be big right it can be like you know a little rinky dink one you know it could be uh could be like a cut closet with you know black carpet cuck closet did you say

like a little cupboard i was gonna say a cupboard or a closet what's a cut a cut closet is where you hide when you someone's your wife your boy your wife and her boyfriend are getting it on and you're hiding in the you're in the cuck closet yeah yeah you've got to have enough room to jerk off or else you know that that's what they call the the the single chair in a hotel room is the cuck chair

right i see because a lot of the cuck porn seems to take place in a hotel because obviously you don't want to do it where your neighbors can see you bringing so they have a guy watching sat in that chair and that's the cuck chair you sit there and watch some dude rail your wife uh you know people say don't kink shame i won't i think you you you know, I would just say there are a lot of stories.

What they call cuck regret,

which is a specific,

sort of very, very specific angle that you see on Reddit sometimes, like cuck regret story.

Reddit seems to be full of very, very specific angles.

It's, it's that kind of place, isn't it?

It's very angular.

It is very, very, very angular place.

Yeah.

I've been enjoying getting into running because I felt that I just sit around on my fat ass all day, so I should do some exercise.

And

I've been doing running for the last couple of weeks.

I'm currently on an off day because I ran for like four days in a row.

You should have an off day.

I'm just building up gradually to running a little more.

And anytime I'm going to like pop to a shop or nip to the bus stop or whatever, I'll run there just to try and get a little bit of exercise in all the time throughout the day.

But trying to do

a mile or two run in the morning.

I get up, I get out.

and now that it's spring it's made it a lot easier because i bloody love spring so is this off the back of your fun run or not fun run um fun walk remembrance no

yeah uh this is off the back of um i think general anxiety a lot of the time uh you can alleviate fears about getting older if you feel like you're doing something to mitigate the damage of sitting around being old so it just helps with my general sense of well-being to just yeah i think a lot of people that's good do you does it does it get your heart pounding oh yeah you get sweaty is your heart like shoes is your heart like beating out of your chest yeah it's like really hurts going for a run is really really really painful yeah in your in your to your heart just everywhere oh okay because i it's not something i've ever really done i've never been someone who does a lot of long-distance running never enjoyed it didn't really think you're gonna get hooked on it now i don't know if i'll become one of those people that gets hooked on it because to me it's just more of a a means to an end rather than something that i like oh i love it but when it's a bit muddy and you're running through the mud that's spraying up on you and the weather's miserable i quite like that yeah i really do yeah but when it's in a beautiful day i kind of feel like well this could have been a pleasant walk but instead i just wish i was dead that's how it feels do you like stomping through the the the this part of it the more miserable it is the more gratifying it is to be out running in it because you feel like a hard man on one of those sas shows right i see you're like, steam's coming off you.

It feels manly and outdoorsman-like.

Right, even though you're feeling like you're jumping out of a helicopter in combat, yeah, it's like except you're running through like

we're gonna have to drop you a cake, one click outside the landing zone.

One cake, one

cake outside.

Follow the string of cakes to the target.

We know that you have to keep you topped up with cake.

Well, we know when you get into in shape,

that would get me going for sure.

You blow your cover as like, you know, just an average dad, you know,

keep that bod.

Oh, my God.

Have you guys played Monster Hunter Wilds?

Don't ask me why I'm at it.

Not my kind of game.

No, me neither.

I've never played one before,

and I've watched a couple of people playing it just to, you know, get an idea for it or whatever.

I probably still won't play it.

It just doesn't appeal.

I don't know.

I think I just missed the whole...

Yeah.

Well, no, I enjoyed the last one.

And the thing is, I tell you why i didn't enjoy the last one i didn't enjoy the last one not because i'm a vegan or anything and killing animals is so abhorrent to me here he comes but i didn't like it because it's one of these games where i wanted to i think the the weapon i picked was like hammer or greatsword or something like something really slow and i found that like i would swing my sword and the monster would be like next week when i when when my hit would land you know it it was so difficult to

land the hits because it was real like kind of a timing skill-based One of the, it was a game that was on purpose slow.

Like, you're supposed to sort of predict where the enemy's going to go, yeah, or work with a partner who stuns them, and then you come in with your mega hammer and clonk them for a million damage in the head, you know, right?

Yeah, but I just found it.

I found it difficult to, I think some of these games are just better with friends, and I don't have friends.

I think that's the issue.

So, when I come home in the evening, like you know, the times I have available, you know, because I tend, I tend to like

in the evening, baby, I I got nothing to play.

I got no friends on Steam.

Oh, baby, feeling the same way.

Oh, exactly.

It's more,

I was thinking about this the other day, right?

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do we really want to do video game chat for another day?

No, no, he's talking about having no friends now.

So it's, I'm,

that's a topic I want to hear more about.

Every day, every day, I see every way you get a look.

And I hang out with my friends and we play games and we record podcasts, we chat, and we socialize and and all this right by the end of the day i'm normally like tired out from socializing and your social battery is uh running yeah and i often sometimes i get high i sit on the sofa and i like fall asleep a little bit or doze off and then i'm like it's only like seven o'clock at this point you know and i get up i'm like oh god i have to make something to eat so then i you know i'll cook something easy like make a curry or pasta or something you know because i can't be fucked to do anything that requires any kind of effort um even like putting the air fryer on is too much effort i'll just boil boil something or, you know, Mike West.

What do you mean you'll just boil something?

What is that?

I'll boil some pasta or I'll

put on the pasta.

Like a jar of Lulu.

Lulu, give me your store-cupboard pasta.

Like, what are you doing?

What pasta dish are you making with your store-cupboard stuff?

If you're lipping lazy, I've got like this

corn or rice fusili or whatever.

It's like gluten-free, gluten-free pasta.

I heard that for you.

That's the case, or is that the partner?

That's partner.

So, you know,

it's just the same, though.

It doesn't really make a difference.

It just costs a pound more or whatever.

Put that on, put that in a pan.

That takes like seven minutes.

So

they take an ingredient out and they charge you more?

That's crazy.

Bit of salt and pepper, a bit of flora buttery on there.

Just, you know, just a little bit just to make it nice.

Just a little bit.

And then I've got

kimchi.

I've got some

beetroot.

It's called like, it's like Verdaz brand beetroot kimchi, and they have regular kimchi, so it's quite nice, quite healthy.

And then I have a little bit of green greens on there, like a little bit of salad-y bits, and um, Mr.

Organic tofu ragu or something, like a little jar pasta.

May I interject?

Go for it.

This is why you don't give a shit about cooking.

It's delicious because at the end of it, the only thing you have to show for it is the most miserable, sad, flavorless, bland meal that it's possible for a human to be a good thing.

Honestly,

for me, it's about like getting ticking off the healthy things, though.

You know, I want to, I I want to keep my immune system going.

I want to like feel like

he eats to live.

He doesn't live to eat.

For dinner, I enjoyed apple peel, which is very high in

mamesium and carbonate, very important.

I also then run my teeth down a piece of wood to get some wood shavings in my mouth.

Water that has been boiled thrice and then left in the sun to soak up cosmic rays.

And then I also

shake hands with a mouse and apologize for humanity's ills i lose i know where you're coming from though like uh okay here's the other option just whack on a bacon sardy mate and a little couple sausages or treat yourself love you know you've got to live a little right you ain't gonna last forever like whack it down with a few pints a car of sort of guinness oh lovely that's a that's a meal in itself them them two pints don't need nothing else i just want to get it i just want to i just want to get it over with like i don't want to spend time cooking.

I don't even really want to spend time eating.

Like, it's just god.

You have been posting.

I saw you posted a picture of a paella that you cooked the other day.

Yeah.

What about it?

A paella.

Sorry.

A paella.

Did I tell you about that?

Actually, I cooked it at the weekend, so I didn't tell you about it.

I was determined to cook every week one big dish that I hadn't really cooked much before.

Right.

To challenge myself, to mix up the older dinners.

I think I talked about this previously where

you get into this habit of the same thing, the same thing.

So I did a paella at the weekend, and it was a seafood paella.

And there's a very famous, locally famous fishmonger's called Sandy's in Twickenham, which is excellent.

And I went in there and I bought prawns, I bought squid, and I bought mussels and brought them home.

And the lad, when he gives me, what is a kilogram bag of mussels in a net?

They're alive.

They're living mussels.

He cuts a hole in the bag.

He says, that's so they can breathe.

You got to keep it open so they can breathe.

I was like, okay, I get home.

I had, in classic Pyrrhian flax fashion, I bumbled into this like a moron, hadn't looked up how you're meant to look after muscles.

And what you're meant to do is take them out of any plastic and sort of put them in a bowl or preferably sort of what I did, lay them out on a tray and cover them with like a wet bit of kitchen paper or something so they can breathe and they don't get too dry.

I just left him in the bag thinking, well, there's a hole in it.

That's what the lad said.

Well, I'm going to eat them in like fucking two hours anyway.

Who cares?

Like, how fucking dry are they going to to get?

No, no, it's not anything about that.

They die.

And they die.

Yeah, and then you're going to kill them in two hours.

So who cares?

No.

Like, what's the fucking problem?

So the problem is that they have an enzyme in them that when they die,

they break down and go bad very quickly.

And you can get really bad food poisoning.

And shellfish food poisoning, you never want to go there.

It's really bad.

Within like fucking, within two hours?

Yeah, it's got to be fresh.

You cannot cook and eat dead mussels.

I don't think,

I mean, I understand if you're leaving them in the fridge overnight and they're dead dead or whatever, but like, you know, I think if it's

not okay, brother, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you have to kill them seconds before you eat them.

And what, so what, what you do is you so we uh we checked and they were all dead, so I put the pie off till Sunday.

How did you check they were all dead?

Because they're open, and when you tap them, they don't close.

Oh, so what you do is we bought them, bought the muscles.

This time I looked after them on Sunday, I looked after them, uh, and then me and uh and my eldest, we got the muscles and you look at each individual one.

If it's closed, you put it in the okay bowl.

You're like, that's fine.

If it's open at all, you tap it and it closes, like literally slowly closes like a Venus flytrap, like

that.

If it doesn't close or it's broken, you toss it.

And then when you cook them, you only cook them for like six minutes, five, six minutes.

You just sort of put them in a pan with boiling, with a little bit of boiling water at the bulk and they're steams.

And when they open up, they die, they open up, you can eat them.

If they don't open up, you toss them.

And that's how you do the muscles.

So I've never done that before, learned something about that.

And it was delicious.

the paelle was delicious i did see on the end there was a kurtz gazart video about meat this week yeah i saw it yeah i think it was it's they they have a very good attitude towards these things they did a video on how good milk was recently which i disagreed with but um they they were they

like nutritionally or or like to use in stuff i think milk is they consider milk to be like an important way to feed the amount of people we have on the planet and it's a big it's a good source of people for well certainly babies and stuff yeah but i mean yeah, I think it's more in developing countries where they don't have access to like its resources like protein and easy protein and stuff like this.

Anyway, um, they did this great video on where your meat comes from, because there is this great, you know, problem in a society, which is we all love animals, but we don't love,

we keep quiet how we get to, they get to be on our plate, right?

Yeah.

And they actually mentioned mussels at the end of it, which was, um, and he was like, mussels are basically a plant, so go fucking ham and eat them.

Yeah, no, they're like, my kids were like, oh, I feel bad.

Because, like, when you tap them and they move, it feels like, oh, they're, it's a living thing, which it is.

But equally, there's, there's no consciousness to.

I think they're like a mushroom.

I mean, they're look, like, it's literally just a tiny little muscle, literally, a little muscly thing that just opens and closes a shell.

There's no intelligence, there's nothing.

It's all, it's literally the same as, to me, it's the same as eating a plant.

It has no senses, it has nothing.

It's just like a big chemical reaction, which you could say all life is a chemical reaction, but some of it is a sort of a chemical, electrical reaction that leads to something like a consciousness.

Muscles ain't got a consciousness.

Come on.

It's a muscle.

It's, yeah, they're, they're very

heck of a lot of justification.

There's such primitivism.

It's interesting to know this, right?

Because, you know, one of the, it is interesting.

Like.

I'm vegan, obviously, but at the same time, I'm one of these people who is reasonable about it, right?

Like, if you're, if I can, if, if there's a chicken and it's produced some eggs and i can see the chicken and it's literally like i'm cooking an egg that's 10 meters across crying its eyes out my baby my egg

yeah like that's not a problem okay like i think that all rational people should agree that if that egg was going into the bin yeah you know it's better to um better to eat it it's it would just be going into the bin you know you know it was being transported across the planet you know in a jet plane

it's not it's not the same and i'm not saying that like there isn't an argument that, you know, me eating an egg means I might get a taste for eggs or be giving other people saying that eggs are okay that leads to them eating an egg.

And who knows what the, you know, what the ramifications are.

But I think that I'm, I try and be reasonable.

And I think when

it's, it's, you know, it does a can of muscle feel pain?

I mean, obviously yours can when you go for a run, P Flex, but

and I think it's interesting to you, the thing is, you, you often, we, especially today, so much of our information comes to us in dribs and drabs, in bits and bobs.

Like, you know, I'll be told hundreds of different facts today, and I won't be able to check every single one.

And some of them I'll like the idea of and I'll just believe them.

And I think this is why misinformation is such a problem.

And I think even, you know, the people who are running the world.

are surrounded by this where they've seen a little thing on Twitter, they've seen a little factoid or someone's mentioned something to them, they've taken it at face value, and that's now part of how they see the the world, right?

Do you mean, like, for example, uh, the current uh flavor of the month opinion uh that Ukraine started the war with Russia, that kind of thing?

Precisely, like, stuff like this.

Like, you can see how these things, but but actually, not that's obviously like a big one that feels like they shouldn't have elected a dictator.

I'm talking about, I'm not talking about all the tiny misinformations that lead to that being the case, right?

Like, all the tiny little things where it's like, you know, they provoked him and blah blah blah blah and like all of the reasons why yeah

that someone might fall for a bigger lie

it's it's the mini lies that lead to

that provide the groundwork to the big guy right

deaf by a thousand cuts oh that's how we're all gonna go guys um uh so anyway i i feel like i I never liked muscles because I remember I had to go to a fucking French trip one time and for some reason reason my parents had encouraged me to put my lunch choice as mussels think and say oh you love muscles everyone else had ordered chips and a burger that's such a parents thing to do

and I had turned up you know at this fucking French restaurant and had to have muscles while everyone else was and I hated it I absolutely hated that those disgusting chewy nodules and

chews nodules is a good word they shouldn't be the Kurtzkazak video made me think oh maybe I should give them another go but I'm but I haven't done my research do you know what I mean I Curse Gazak have lied to me before.

And they're not the fucking, you know, bastions of integrity that they purport to be, quite frankly.

I can't.

Goodness me.

Shots fired.

When people talk about seafood, I'm always...

I know I've said this before.

I'm going to say it again.

And it's so off-putting to me, but anytime anyone mentions seafood, I think of Mr.

Bean getting sick in that hotel after he eats the seafood at the buffet, you know, when he's trying to one-up the other guy, yeah.

And he realizes too late that he's eaten all those bad clams or whatever, and uh, and he's sick in the hotel.

And every time seafood is mentioned, I think of that scene where he's laying in bed and he's got like fucking boxes of tissues and like Pepto-Bismol bottles like next to his bed.

I just think, oh, God.

My partner called me, Mr.

Bean, the other day, honestly.

Like, she was like, I think I came home like carrying something awkwardly or whatever.

And I came in and I was like, oh, hello.

And I went to like give her a hug.

Hello.

And she was like, she was like, this is the most like, you were like, awkward.

That's like one of those TikTok, the new ick unlocked trend is

partner resembles Mr.

Bean for a moment.

You know, when he goes to the doctor's office and he goes up to the reception and she's like, name, please, Bean.

Yeah, it's great.

I love it.

It's so,

it's kind of so, because because he doesn't speak much, it really has translated to like every country in the world.

You know, it's very clever.

It's like Benny Hill used to, right?

It's like a lot of Benny Hill was very popular outside Britain for some reason.

I don't know why, but you know, the slightly sped up chases, the Benny Hill chases, where some girl's bra would come off and she'd be like, oh, and he's running around like a pervert.

And then he slaps that old man on the head.

like really fast very very popular on the continent laughing

yeah of course yeah it's universally It's very easy, right?

Because most of the humor doesn't come from any kind of.

It's a physical, right?

Yeah.

I always thought Benny Hill must have been a bad guy, but apparently he wasn't.

I can't.

No, I think he was a bad guy.

Yeah.

You think he was?

I think I heard some.

I've definitely heard terrible things about it.

You've heard

serial womanizer and

pervert, as far as I can recall.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And do you know what?

I've got no backing for that.

I can't find it.

But I've definitely...

Right in.

Yeah, tell us if you got any experiences with Benny Hill being a pervert.

Massive perv.

I'm sure he was.

But Joe, I'm happy to be wrong if you're right.

Do you want to hear his personal life?

Benny Hill was noted for his frugality.

He never owned his home in London and preferred to rent a flat rather than buy one.

He rented a double-room apartment on London's Queensgate for 26 years until 1986 when he moved to Fairwater House in Tennington, not far from me.

While looking for somewhere to live, he briefly stayed in Southampton.

Despite being a multi-millionaire, he continued with the frugal habits he picked up from his parents, such as buying cheap food at supermarkets, walking for miles rather than paying for a taxi, unless someone picked up the tab for a limousine, and regularly patching and mending the same clothes.

He never owned a car.

He never married.

He had no children.

He proposed to three women, but none accepted.

Is this before or after fame?

When famous.

Wow.

Really?

Wow.

He spent a lot of time in France.

He spoke fluent French.

And when he died,

his estate was equivalent to, in 2023, equivalent to 20 million pounds.

Jeez.

So he was just a stingy bastard.

Who did he leave his money to?

So he, in his will, he left it to his parents, oddly enough.

But in the end, it was divided amongst his seven nieces and nephews.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Well, they got a windfall.

Yeah.

That's what's, you know, got to stay in touch with the distant branch of the family or not.

Yes, just hopefully.

During the night of October 4th, 1992, following speculation that he had been buried with a large amount of gold and jewelry, grave robbers exuded and broke open his coffin.

It was reburied and covered with a thick concrete slab.

Oh my god, Pearl Benny.

Gotta say, you know, that's a profession you don't hear much these days.

You gotta be fucking

insane

to open

a casket that's been under the ground for any period of time.

Like, you, you really have to be.

Yeah, I mean, I'm complaining about, you know, leaving muscles in the fridge for two hours.

You know, imagine what it's like if someone's been dead under there for a a fucking series.

Oh my god, even just for a couple of days.

Like,

God, what are you doing?

Well, that's why, you know, that's why some people don't make it as a grave robber, and some do.

That's a part of the business.

I wonder if there is like a story of the greatest grave robber that ever, you know, there's always, there's always someone who's like been very good at something, right?

But Lucky Daniels, he was called.

Yeah, yeah, you never know.

Seven foot tall, strong as an ox, and he had no nose.

How did he smell?

How did he smell, father?

Terrible.

No, but seriously, he had no nose.

He couldn't smell.

He's actually like a kind of secret superpower, though, of a lot of these

jobs.

Like, you know, you hear about someone who's like, how did you get into this fucking weird thing?

And it's like, oh, well, I bet I can't fucking smell.

And it's like, okay, Joel, that explains why you're able to pull it off, you know.

I think it's called anosmia.

Yes, you've got to lean into your

hidden talents.

Yeah, anosmia means it's not one that you'd see on britain's got talent is it the lack of a smell but consider it a talent you know oh i've seen one of my least favorite words in the description of what a nosmia is the word polyps has popped up polyps i hate the word polyps yeah polyps is a nasty one polyps i i yeah it's i feel like uh it's very fungal isn't it of all the the awful ways to make money grave robbing's got to be up there is one of the worst grave robbing's pretty bad um i mean but then again in a video game you're fucking digging up those graves left right and center.

Yeah, but you can't fucking stop yourself.

Anytime you see a mound of stuff in video games that I would never do in real life, I'm renovating a house, I'm mowing lawns, I'm fishing.

You know, I wouldn't do any of this stuff in real life.

I only do it in a video game.

Like, you know, it's a fantasy escape.

So, yeah, of course, you're going to dig up a couple of graves and run over a couple of grandmas with your car and stuff like that.

You know,

it's an outlet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is funny how you clean a a whole house in a video game.

I just

really like that.

It's absolutely awful when you think about it in real life.

But video gaming has kind of not normalized these things, but it's just a trope, you know, in video games.

It's almost like a you can

grave robber is like a cool

games you will rob.

In most games, you will rob a grave.

There's very few that exist where there isn't some at some point.

You might get a disease for doing it.

Do you know what I mean?

There might be some sort of debuff associated with it.

I always hate in Dungeons and Dragons and stuff, poison with disease.

Yeah.

And it's always getting the cure for it is like, you will need to find the diamond of Numenor.

Take it to the sage known as Clovis and have him create the remedy for a thousand gold pieces.

Oh, fuck off, dude.

I just, you said, do you want to?

It's another potion that said,

but Hero, you appear to have 725 health potions.

I'm saving them for later, just in case.

I always end every fucking game with his potions with so many potions.

What?

You haven't used a single one of your explosive potions.

No,

just waiting for the most fucking boring item in any game ever, the explosive potion.

Like, everybody finishes the game with like 20 of them.

Never used because, you know, you get a sword or something and say you just use that.

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You know what I was I was watching something the other day about the like the the early days of Dungeons and Dragons and stuff like that, and the guys that uh that obviously came up with it were probably like young college-age guys, yeah.

Uh, it was the 60s or 70s, I can't remember whether it was late 60s or early 70s, I think it was 70s, uh, and they sort of started coming up with these role-playing games.

I always thought it was funny that obviously, when it comes to wizards, why do wizards in D ⁇ D and stuff pretty much always classically are these weak, very smart, but in physically completely useless people?

Yes, Because Gandalf certainly wasn't that in like Lord of the Rings.

And he's like the archetype or fantasy wizard.

Well, he's old, though.

I mean, he is old, and I think there's a frailness about him.

Yes, he can.

He swings a sword, rides around on a horse,

he defeats a Balrog, and he ain't like

decrepit.

They never like...

Gandalf was lagging behind again.

Come on, Master Gandalf, Christ.

We're trying to get there today, please.

You'd be so fucked up if he was like really young, but super wise as well, but nobody took him seriously.

Why?

He was like 13 years old and is, you know, he hadn't quite hit pure, or he was just like

starting puberty,

a little bit like Harry Potter, but imagine, you know, he had like the stature of Gandalf, you know, like so he's a big lad.

He's no, he's not.

He's a small child, but he's like super wise and super powerful, okay?

And expects people to sort of follow along with him because he's so wise, but nobody takes him seriously.

Is that basically Harry Potter?

I don't know.

I don't really care for Harry Potter.

I've seen a couple of the movies.

That's it.

Well, J.K.

Rowland's super yacht was in Jersey the other day.

Oh, yeah.

And we had a bomb scare at the airport yesterday.

I tell you what, this fucking, this whole world is crashing and burning.

Like, I've never known anything like it.

Now he says it's crashing and burning.

Man.

Okay, there was a bomb scare at Jersey Airport.

Tell me.

There was a bomb scare at my local airport.

Okay.

I'm sure you can give me this.

Like, that's pretty scary it was closed for like an hour wow

they had to make sure that there was no bomb it was an actual full-on bomb threat at the airport it's not not just a time waster well i think it was a time waster yeah i don't think there was a bomb up there not sure i trust the people here to actually even find the bomb and if they did find the bomb defuse that either what do you mean you don't trust people you don't trust the jersey people you're one of them

eight people on the island dude i mean what are the chances

is going to be a bomb disposal.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So there is that about it, too.

But

you've got like loads of people go off to Jersey, and you've probably got better.

Yeah, they don't.

It's mainly Germans these days.

That's it.

Really?

Yeah, they love coming here for some reason.

I don't know why.

We loved Jersey.

We were so close to Operation Sea Lion.

Yes.

We invaded Britain.

This was as close as we got.

So it's just nice to think what might have been.

It's so nice to think how close we got.

This is

almost out.

Oh, man.

Anyway, I think a bunch of them got delayed going home because of the bomb threat.

Have you seen that old

comedian, that German comedian, getting the crowd to like do like a call and response thing where he says something and they respond.

He says something, they respond.

And when he says Sieg, they all say hi.

And he's like, whoa!

Yeah, it's like an automatic response for this certain generation of people.

Well, there's this thing where, you know, if you're having a chat with people of a certain age or having people, people, people round, playing music from their 20s really is kind of very stimulating.

I saw it.

I read this as well your 20s are the era where you most remember stuff and it's very common to have um memories of those times triggered but also i think if you if you have been to a lot of these i don't know parties or rallies in the 20s sorry in a certain era where because he didn't just have one call it wasn't like see kyle was the only one there were a ton of them that he went through and he kind of primed them to quickly do you think he did like the will smith carlton banks or no sorry the will smith dj jazzy Jeff

super handshake as well with a couple of his like top brands

that one the one where they would smack hands yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm sure that Hitler and DJ Jazzy Jeff have a have a lot in common wise yeah you never know you never know What if it came out that Carlton was a Nazi?

They did an episode of Who Do You Think You Are on Carlton Banks, and it turns out that he had roots as a, he had some, some roots dating back in

Nazism.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

We're just talking bollocks.

Carry on.

So,

oh, where was I?

I don't know, actually.

I've forgotten.

Sorry, Lulu.

I'm coming down to Bristol in a few weeks, Lulu.

Yes.

We've booked in a recording for a games night.

That's exciting.

I love a games night.

What are you doing while you're there?

Just visiting.

I like to come down and check in every few months, see everybody, go out for some drinks, record some stuff, have some fun.

Every now now and then.

Go out to Dinner Lulu, you know, just see everyone.

It's not far.

No, I love Bristol.

Love going out.

Good.

Always have a good night.

And got lots of friends in Bristol now.

So, yeah, I love it.

I'm the opposite.

I got so many enemies in Bristol.

And I find as soon as I get off the plane, I'm just like, it's sort of like beating them all back with a stick.

Yeah.

So I don't go anymore.

There he is, got him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then

I got a pitch forks and stuff.

Yeah, so I got to run away and sped up like Benny Hill style.

Benny Hill style.

What is it that you did?

What did you do that means that they they hate you so I think I'm just a really incredible guy mate and

they hate me they're jealous infuriates

so amazing you know that's understandable yeah um that people would be jealous yeah if you're you know yeah whatever the fuck you got they seem you're rolling and they are hating all the time

yeah

so um so yeah so that's why i don't go i played a few i played a few more games on

Nextfest and the demos.

I played Blueprints.

I thought it was amazing.

Yeah, you know what?

When I was telling you about it the other day, I was like,

it dawned on me that the name of the game is called Blue Prince.

And like, you know, there's blueprints in the game.

I didn't get it at first.

It did not click for me.

No, I didn't either.

But then I did, and I was like, oh, that's clever.

It's really clever.

Yeah.

Raise the shop, you like it.

It's a cool game, isn't it?

It is a cool game.

It's cool.

I'm really excited for it, actually.

I'm not normally excited for games.

There's another good one that's, I think there's a, there's, I played the demo of it a couple of months ago called Hollywood Animal, which is like you, you run a,

you run like a, uh, like a cinema empire sort of thing.

It's by the people who do This is the police.

It's really cool, though.

The demo is good, and I think the game's coming out next month.

So this is another one you can check out if you want.

Oh, okay.

You're looking for a game.

Yeah, great recommendations.

I have been playing football manager still.

Nice.

And I am been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares.

And I've come up with a Gordon Ramsey Ramsey Kitchen Nightmares bingo.

Right.

Do you want to hear it?

Yeah.

All right.

So these are the things that I guess when you watch a lot of episodes, you realize he says the same shit over and over again.

A little bit like what we do on this podcast.

Of course.

I mean, you could easily do

a bingo for us.

So I've done bingo for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty-one, two, twenty three.

23 episodes we've been, we've done the bingo for.

And out of that 23, we've only achieved a full bingo one time.

wow bingo we just we just get so unlucky so here's here's the bingo uh i'll go top left and i'll read left to right so uh sort of top left to top right and then second row and then third row so so one of the the top left is owner on the source mid shift right because quite often they'll be like drinking on the job the owner's drinking on the job well it's a kip it's a it's a common kitchen thing isn't it that the owner would be like doing some drugs or something just

yeah so this is a heavy

walk-in fridge freezer should be condemned.

Okay,

that's every episode, basically.

So it's you'd be surprised.

Slimy chicken found in the fridge that was like three years old.

But you think that's every episode.

It's not.

A waitress cries after being berated by the owner.

Okay, again, not every episode, but happens quite consistently.

Shouting match in the middle of service happens a lot.

Every episode.

Owner says our customers love our food.

That's a that is a very common square yeah uh gordon around he says gordon around he says blow smoke up someone's ass because i'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass he says that all the time um everything is frozen and reheated very common uh the owner or chef backs their food and they normally say oh i back our food they always say that i back our food someone storms out citing i can't take this abuse uh one staff member could can cook but is unappreciated.

Oh, someone tries to fight Gordon or threatens him.

The chef microwaves everything.

Gordon says, Fuck me, which happens a lot.

That's got to happen.

That's our free square in the middle.

That is our free square in the middle.

The one next to that is cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.

And when you watch the American version of the show, the editors and the camera people span slightly slower over a pair of bazooms and then to a face.

Like they love getting cleavage shots in the show.

Really?

You notice it.

We've watched so many episodes now.

That must be a conscious editing choice.

Honestly, they they must say

people will actively enjoy this more if we sneak in little fucking.

That's so cynical.

I hate it.

I fucking hate that.

I love it.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, so the next one is simple two-word phrase, fresh frozen, which is something that comes up a lot.

Fresh frozen.

Fresh frozen.

What do you mean?

Well, exactly.

What does that mean?

It means that they're getting frozen shit in, or worse, and they do this a surprising amount, literally making something and using it for the whole week.

So they'll sort of, I mean, pasta is a big one.

You'll get these restaurants that are supposedly Italian restaurants, and they've got bags and bags and bags of frozen pasta or frozen meat.

Yeah, frozen pasta.

But it's a stock.

It takes

seconds to make pasta.

It's already been boiled.

No, no, like they've made fresh pasta.

Oh, right.

And instead of cooking it that day, they freeze it.

And then it just sits there.

And they'll like, he'll say, are these clams fresh?

And they'll be like, yeah, they're fresh.

They're fresh today.

And then the waitress will be like, No, actually, they're frozen.

He's like, So it's not frozen.

He goes, Yeah, yeah, it's fresh frozen.

He goes, What does that mean?

He's like, Well, it's frozen, fresh.

And we froze it.

So it's fresh, frozen.

And then when we use it, it's still fresh.

And he's like, No, that's not how that works.

So fresh, frozen.

The next one is family business, but family is cursed.

So that happens a lot.

What do you mean?

What I mean is, like, there was an episode we watched the other day.

The dad inherited a lot of money from his father at 250 000 and his son also received 250 000 but the dad took the son's 250 000 and put it into the restaurant so he stole his son's inheritance that is a cursed family um so family cursed yeah so here's another one shut it down shut it down before someone dies yeah which is a phrase you hear quite often yeah uh the decor is horribly dated and or dirty which happens a lot um i find that when they spruce it up it still looks dated though yeah it's i mean a a lot of these were mid-2000s episodes, you know.

Mountains of debt exceed 50,000.

So sometimes they'll be like, how much are you in the hole for?

And they'll be like, 2.3 million.

You're like, what?

What?

It's crazy.

Flies or other pests, clearly visible.

So

we've had a pigeon in one episode, and every time there's a fly, the Foley artists on the show add little

noises.

It's so good.

Like when Gordon is pulling apart some horribly rotten piece of chicken, they'll add like goopy noises over the top.

The foley work on that show is so good.

All right.

So bottom left, chefs have absolutely no idea how to cook even basic meals.

Happens a surprising amount.

Like they can't even fucking cook pasta.

It's incredible.

Owners break customers unfairly.

That is one of my favorites.

We had one where the guy literally calls the, you motherfucker, get out of my restaurant.

And all the guy had said was, sorry, we've been waiting an hour and a half for our food.

And his guy like threatens to fight him and calls him a motherfucker.

Three left.

Server gleefully spills the beans on the parless state of affairs in the eatery.

So quite often, first of all, they always refer to it as an eatery, which is not a thing you hear outside the US.

But one of the servers will be like, Gordon will be saying, is this fresh?

And she'll be like, no, it's frozen and it's awful.

I wouldn't eat it.

And then she's like, grinning, because finally someone's here to hear their complaints about this shitty place.

That's always funny.

Menu resembles a phone book.

Thought that was going to be a free square.

You'd be surprised.

It doesn't come up that often, but sometimes it does.

And the menu is like eight pages long.

Oh, and the last, last, and it's, we always, almost always get this one.

It's raw.

That's another one that's basically a free square.

Man, always.

It's raw.

And that's the bingo.

It is a, it is a, uh, a great show, though.

I do, if it's on,

I am always stunned when

they're putting stuff out raw.

And it's, it's really, I guess, like, are they, what, I don't, is it just because of the rush?

Is that it?

So it's like they haven't got time to cook it through properly.

But I would be, so I would think everything would be overcooked.

Right, yes, exactly.

I'm an overcooker.

Right.

I mean, especially if you're cooking for people, you would be more worried about making them sick because that's where you get things like losses and stuff like that.

Everything

cooks into oblivion.

Right.

Like, if the option was,

you know, cook it quicker, but make people sicker, I would not do that.

Cook it longer, but the meat becomes stronger.

You know what I mean?

So I don't know what I'm doing here, but anyway.

So

the theme of

kitchen nightmares when it comes to the people uh that come to gordon first of all he has about a one in six success rate for turning places around so that as soon as the episode is finished we look up what happened next almost always close within five to six months almost always it does that's a fundamental problem

though does it no no no i'm talking about it from between them filming between them filming and the episode and and you know obviously You probably wouldn't want the episode to go out because you're trying to relaunch and you're going to look like absolute cunts when this episode comes out.

Like, almost always, these owners are such awful, awful human beings that if the episode went out like immediately, they'd be even more fucked because everyone would be like, I'm not going to have a fucking restaurant.

That guy's insane.

I see.

So it kind of gives them a chance.

But it's always, it always fails because they are extremely stuck in their ways.

They've got this stupid idea that they know what good food is and they know how to run a restaurant, but these people have clearly never eaten good food.

Like, if you'd only ever eaten bad food, you'd think bad food was good.

good i i'm in that i'm there i'm it is so common though that that that that that people are not fussy as well and will just and and also they tell someone oh grandma your food is so amazing oh it's so great like because what's the point in lying you don't want to upset your grandma or your mum or anyone right and so they get this false idea that they're brilliant cooks somehow yeah and they get this delusion that's kind of come because oh everyone who's eaten my ribs says they're the best ribs.

It's like, well, but

does that scale up to a business?

Probably not.

Exactly.

And sometimes it does.

Like some of these guys do, they have no inventory management.

And they're like, I'm at this restaurant 10 hours, 12 hours a day, seven days a week.

And then you look in the fridge and there's just, sometimes it's just bag after bag after bag of frozen chicken breast.

And it's like they just keep ordering it in and they keep ordering it in.

They've got no point of sale like tracking of inventory or what's the most popular dishes.

They're so reluctant to change.

And genuinely, they just don't know what they're doing.

And then a lot of time, they're just not very smart.

I've done that though.

Like on a Cardo, sometimes you just are like, oh, do you need more of this?

And I'm like, probably.

I ended up with like fucking 16 bottles of toilet duck or something

as well.

You can't.

But yeah,

I think when you're running a business, you can't run a running business because the chef in the kitchen should know, you know,

what is important here?

What do we need?

What are we low on?

And instead, it's just like they literally don't know.

It's crazy.

It is really crazy.

But fun to watch.

I mean, it's just such a fun show to see Gordon go in.

Apparently, he quit because he just realized it was not making any difference.

Like, it was just literally not making a difference.

None of these

turnarounds.

He does so many.

There's hundreds of episodes.

You're just making so much money from it.

Well, really?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

But, like, dealing with it, like, it was, it was basically kind of, it's Jerry Springer style TV, really, isn't it?

Like, it's just so good.

It's just such a fun show.

The funniest thing to me is the difference between the UK version and the American version.

First of all, the UK version barely has any music in it.

The American version, there is music continually.

And they use this instrument called, I think it's called a waterphone.

It's like a ball or something.

And it makes this weird sort of like, mee,

sort of sound.

I can't really do a replicate.

Imagine if in a horror movie, someone like gets a creepy feeling behind them.

It's sort of almost a wincing sound.

I don't know how to put it.

Yeah.

But that comes up every

single episode, like continually.

And this is a cue musical cue that signifies awkward interaction.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like you, they have that, like someone comes into a restaurant, they say something awkward,

they edit in this like awkward silence and they put that cue over it, right?

Because they completely can fake all this, whatever they want.

the interactions that they can they can construct it's only looking so stupid which is you know but it also makes it very stupid watchable telly and even though afterwards most people like oh my god that episode was so unfair they edited it this way that way they did get you on camera calling the customer a motherfucker like you can't complain about the editing that's just you being a cock

which is funny but yeah it's uh the editing is is is nuts um how they do it and uh i love it but the uk version it's so simple.

It's like silent, which makes it even more awkward when he's yelling at them.

There's no music, there's no cutaways.

Single camera panning between Gordon and these gormless English chefs looking lost.

And he's going, You don't know how to fry a fucking egg.

And it cuts to some 15-year-old kid who just looks like he'd rather be in

prison than here in this kitchen with Gordon around the world.

The production is very different, isn't it?

Like across.

It really is.

I've been watching the US Traders where the production is actually identical.

I hated that version, the US version.

They were such unpleasant people.

They were like, I came to win.

It's like, oh, they are.

It's crazy.

They're like, in the tasks, like the contrast between

the UK one and the American one, you know, if there's a task and they have a chance to win a shield, none of them will do anything except just go for the shield for themselves.

They see it like a game.

Yeah, well, I mean, I suppose it is a game.

Yeah, you know.

But the thing is, as well, the American one is all people that have been on other reality game shows.

Oh, yeah.

So it's not like the UK one is just, you know, people from the public.

Whereas, yeah, it's like it's a celebrity one, I guess, if you want to say that.

And the American one.

But it's all people that have been on

pre-selected sociopaths.

It's people that have been on these reality games.

It's people who

understand.

But then again, I think it's very quickly what happens is if you notice one or two people being that every man for themselves attitude, it it warps the entire group very quickly.

And everyone behaves in a similar way.

They can't help themselves.

Like if it's the normal thing in the group to be jealous and generous and forgiving and accommodating and looking after, then that's what the bulk will lead to.

All it takes is for the majority to be assholes, for everyone to be every man for themselves.

It's like a zero-sum game at that point, right?

There's no value in not being an artist.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, you might as well just because also there's no penalty for not, you know, the only penalty is you losing.

I was, um, I was on a uh, I was on another podcast.

Sorry, I know this.

What the fuck?

You cheat.

I was a guest on

another.

It's like a game show, though.

The Joe Rogan.

No, no, it's a, it's called, it's called SideQuest.

And I just want to tell you guys about it because it was really cool.

And I had a lot of fun on it.

And I just wanted to do a a shout out to SideQuest.

It's uh, it's by uh Bear Taffy, who's a friend of mine, and a couple of other people that stream and that I'm friends with as well.

Uh, but uh, so the whole thing is you get a group of three, and he's he's done it like in season.

So, for us, it was season two, episode five.

There's two other people that I didn't know that I met, they're just you know, streamers, podcasters, whatever.

And um, so the idea is that you get a list of quests that you need to complete, and you have to try to complete them all within, you know, a certain amount of time

against, you know, all the other teams that have been before you sort of thing.

In real life.

No, it's not real life quests.

It's like, it's stuff that you do in games.

So basically you've got Steam open, you get the list and then the countdown, the countdown starts.

So you're like against the clock, but it'll be like fish up.

five fish.

So you're like, oh, what game can I fish up five fish quickly in?

But you can't do another quest in the same game.

So, there's like 10 quests, but you have to be like,

it's like testing your sort of, you know,

game knowledge.

We did a very similar thing with like a bingo a couple of times in the couple of last couple of years.

That's a bingo.

So, there was a there was a whole bunch of games that we were just like randomly installing.

Like, I did Hydra near, I had Minecraft, and I had Papers Please to get there Was there was a one where it was get a fine.

So I just went into Papers Please and got a citation like as quickly as I could.

Nice.

That wasn't even my idea.

Like chat can help you.

So like I was just, you know,

trying to think like, what the hell can I do?

And somebody's like, do papers please.

You can get a citation.

I was like, yes, okay.

It's like a 200 meg game.

It installed immediately.

And then I was able to get it.

But it was fun.

And we came in 10 seconds

quicker than any other team.

So we currently hold the uh the record yeah it was good it was really fun really fun yeah well that that that kind of stuff is fun like doing these little challenges like that i think you have to make your own games around games sometimes it's fun yeah you can yeah yeah because like sometimes i'm just not in the mood like yesterday i was just like i i think i just i just couldn't i couldn't i couldn't nothing's been grabbing me lately i need a game to really grab me i've been playing

football manager I've been playing Victoria 3, but I've been just trying to do achievements.

So like instead of just just saying instead of getting stuck into it and being like i'm just gonna do this whole huge massive campaign i just like i'm just cherry-picking little achievements so it's like you know fun um

create the bolivian peru confederation okay it took me like two hours you know just um balancing everything out and stuff and then i got the achievement and then i just went and did another one so i've been i've been in that kind of like you were saying you know it's like it's like making up games around a game but i like paradox grand Strategy achievement hunting, it's quite fun because it just my friend Axel does that a lot.

He's got, I think, every time, I think he's got every achievement in Hearts of Iron.

Yeah, uh, and every time a new DLC comes out, there's new achievements, so he has to do that.

Yeah, but yeah, I think it's I think it's a really fun way to play the game because it makes you try things that you normally wouldn't, you know.

Like, sure, so did they just leave you to it, basically?

And you the side quests that would, or you will change the game.

No, well, bear, bear kind of like overseas.

So you send him a video feed and you say like oh i'm he's watching fishing now and he'll be like yep you caught one yep you caught two and then you know he marks it off you know okay yeah yeah he's like he's like the maestro you know he's keeping track of everything that's going on and stuff yeah um okay and then he's got to make decisions whether it counts or not you know i'm just saying that a lot of reasoning sometimes but it is a ripoff of an idea that we've been doing for years so don't say that this guy's guy's ripping off an idea so so it's not he's not don't

say that is is he giving credit to everyone else who came for him?

No, of course not.

He doesn't even know that.

He didn't even say thank you once.

And I don't even think he was wearing a suit either, Lewis.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

You know, maybe he should, you know, consider what he's doing.

Yes.

Why are you sad about that?

But Plopsaland lives on unmolested, playing the fucking diggy diggy hole song.

Yeah.

Plopsaland.

Yeah.

Fucking.

Did you know what?

He didn't even lawyer up to defend himself.

He doesn't even lawyer up.

He didn't do shit.

And now someone's...

You can't steal a fucking format, by the way.

Someone's taken a format.

And now you're like, no, i'm not saying that like you know

it's just like oh you know you had a great time until you crunch until you crunch on plotsal and i've got no sympathy well also we're not doing it are we and he's doing it so you know i can't say anything because if we we if we cared about it so much we'd be running it every week exactly bro but this guy's turned it into a successful format he's getting content creators like sips in to do it and they're promoting it on their podcasts good for him do you know what i mean yeah

he didn't seem happy about it

though i do i change you changed my mind.

I'm willing to change my mind.

I've changed my mind, and I'm fully supporting it.

What's the guy's name?

Let's shout him out.

Bear, Bear Taffy.

Bear Taffy.

Sounds like a nice guy.

Probably is.

I'm sure.

He does stuff with Crendor as well.

Are you Crendor?

I love Crendor.

There you go.

Good lad.

He's a good lad.

Yeah.

There you go, Lewis.

Calm down.

Just calm down, mate.

Jeez.

I am calm.

I haven't done that.

A podcast with Hitler.

Okay.

Maybe you should.

try it out.

Maybe you'd like it.

Maybe I would.

Who knows?

Get on the fucking Hawk Tour bandwagon and start becoming a right-winger.

There's a lot of money in that.

I'm going to sell a SideQuest cryptocurrency.

Yeah, Sipscoin.

Yeah.

There you go.

That sounds good.

Classic Sips rug pull.

Yeah.

In Jersey, too.

There's no taxes either.

So you get even more.

Oh, yeah.

It's a perfect place.

Let's make Jersey great again with a rug pull.

Yes, let's make Jersey great again.

Good idea.

I'll get the hats printed immediately.

Oh my gosh.

Well, thanks so much for listening, everybody.

It's been a podcast once again, and we'll see you next time.

Certainly, hats.

All right, goodbye.

Bye.

Goodbye.