Triforce! Mailbag Special #45: Freaky Eaters and Freakier Hotels

Pickaxe

Oh baby, it's been a while since we did a mailbag so let me tell you my bag if it overfloweth with mail.

It's wow, it's ridiculous lads how many uh emails.

This guy just turned up with his overflowing bag.

I did.

I apologize for that.

but it's time again for us to chat about the mail as a result this podcast will be probably not out for a while we usually do these when we want to get backups yeah um to cover us for a while so we read out of date stuff and it comes out out of date it's fine i don't mind it's fine i don't mind it's fine a lot of them are just like i've picked out it's mostly just responses to stuff that we've talked about so it's not really time sensitive so i'll be honest with you that that is definitely a thing But I also try to pick maybe one or two responses to things we've already done.

Right.

And I'll cover a few of those, I'm sure.

But let me say something.

First of all, yes, we're all aware of the Greg Wallace news.

You don't need to send me the mail article on Instagram.

Oh my God, it was front page news for weeks.

We are well aware.

And nowhere else.

I don't think anywhere else would even know who he is, right?

Like he's not on American MasterChef right now.

At all.

I mean, they have no idea who this guy is.

So please stop with the Greg Wallace, though.

Another thing, I'm only going to read one, maybe two mathematics emails out after I had a go at maths.

Got a lot of angry mathematicians emailing in because they can't take a joke because, you know, one plus one equals serious business, apparently.

Well, yeah,

mathematicians don't have a sense of humor.

Apart from that stand-up maths guy on YouTube who does, he's great.

Oh, it's so good.

What about the RDRR thing on The Simpsons, though?

That was such a good joke.

get it rdr

um yeah that's the only funny math joke i can think of though yeah or reference um yes greg greg is there a trifle's curse is this something i remember do we talk about people and they get cancelled

generally about weird people that we suspect are going to get cancelled yeah i think we've had people if we we've got a feeling if we don't like someone generally speaking we're probably right i think that's uh that that's been proven with with both uh carl walker and greg wallace yeah Yeah.

I never really had a problem with Greg Wallace.

Like I up until

all of this stuff.

Because

I watched Inside the Factory and that other one,

cook more for less or whatever.

And I've seen him in stuff and I just thought he, you know, he didn't really bother me that much.

You know, like he could be kind of, kind of annoying sometimes, but overall, he didn't really bother me that much.

But, you know, obviously, now that I, now that I know that he is of such low moral fiber oh um i the lowest the lowest yeah so i i i you know i actively dislike him now but um he didn't really bug me that much uh i always thought he was boring unfunny and fake yeah but you kind of need that for daytime tv you know that's why maybe that's why i don't like daytime tv yeah well i've seen you're not meant to i don't think you're the target uh yeah true well i actually am i'm old as fuck i'm an old stay at old person that stays at home all day so yeah all right let's talk about some emails.

We've had weird.

Just because you hung out with the cooled young Jack Manifold

for three hours.

Oh, that's sick.

And did this great, great ruin.

Honestly, if no one's, if you didn't miss it, Pyrrhian did this interview with Jack for three hours.

She threw it in for Bo because she was sick.

And it was one of the best streams of Jingle Jam.

Really?

You had, it was funny because you were definitely from different generations, right?

But at the same time, you had great chemistry.

And like, you obviously meet, you have this thing, PFAX, where you can just immediately rapport with someone.

And I don't know, it was just, it was just really, a really good stream.

What about me?

Do you think I have that too?

I think you would have.

Here it comes.

No.

No.

It just was.

You have a different.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, sure.

Eating food in weird ways.

I can't remember what sparked this off.

I think it was because I told about my mate who eats a banana by unwrapping the entire banana and then eating it.

Yeah.

And I think we talked about it.

So here we go.

You asked for weird ways we eat food.

This is from Robert.

I think I have an example.

Oh, and not weird things we eat, but I think I have an example of both.

I came home to my friend/slash roommate eating a kiwi fruit.

After eating the innards of the kiwi fruit, he then put salted peanuts in the kiwi skin and fondled the skin around to shake up the nuts.

He claimed it added zing to the peanuts.

Still unsure what that means.

I like the use of the word fondle.

Yeah.

Weird.

It's it's a weird thing i i mean certainly it's a weird thing to do but it's one of those things that you know if if it if that does it for you you know and it's not it's not like that weird you know doing something like that you know it's not like he's you know he's not like sucking them up through his asshole to eat them or something you know that would be really weird right well yeah i mean obviously we're drawing the line at things that would be impossible but that is that is weird yeah it's kind of weird yeah

it's not the weirdest their own things right like some people, I think my nana would not eat things that were vaguely furry or hairy, like

peach a peach wouldn't suck on a pair of nuts.

She's

averse to the idea of that, you know?

Averse to

teabagging in food form.

That's fair.

This is from an older.

We've got so many emails.

We've got so many emails.

Don't get caught up on just this one.

At least hundreds.

Please, I've literally,

I want to read as many emails his bag is bursting he needs because it's ridiculous how many i've got the week every time i get i get like four emails out and then some i will cut down my responses to the most premium funny

and i will not give winding anecdotes because i mean

the weave

people send these and i'm trying to read them out besides what's doing the weave this reminds me of an interesting story about a guy i knew listen this is my time every week where I get to

ramble like a crazy old man about my grandpepper used to freeze lemon juice and he would put it in his chi.

It's like, just get on with it.

That's the kind of emails we get at.

I just want to give the

writers in.

I want to give a chance to get as many of these out as I can.

Because then they start sending them again.

And they start having a pop at me for not reading out these little emails.

I want to.

I just lay in the fucking ground with them.

God.

This is from Lachlan.

I eat avocados in a weird way.

All right.

Most normal people slice an avocado.

If you lay the avocado down, you'll get starting like top to bottom, all the way around the sort of seed, and then you open it up.

Where this guy goes around like the equator and then takes it off.

That is weird.

I think just even cutting it weird, weird.

Lachlan, stop doing that.

Stop doing that.

Okay.

Do you know what?

That is weird.

That is weird.

I think it's kind of cool.

It's kind of cool.

I'm going to try it.

Try it.

I'm going going to try it.

This is from Tom.

Tom report back.

You mentioned six months.

You mentioned people wanting to hear weird, weird food.

When I eat peas and baked beans, I don't chew them.

I just swallow them whole.

Why?

With peas, I think it started with being forced to eat them as a kid, but I didn't like the taste, so I just swallowed them whole.

With beans, I honestly have no idea.

I still swallow both peas and beans whole as a 23-year-old.

Is this weird to you guys?

No, I mean, if that's how you were, if that's, if you did it as a kid then it is something that'll just follow you i the thing i don't get is how can you not like the taste of peas that they taste they they're so good they're like one of the best they're one of the best vegetables yeah like taste-wise like they taste amazing compared to like some of like the really bland ones that don't really taste like anything or or whatever you know i think peas are great yeah they're one of the ones my kids always love it when i say yeah my my kids also hate peas uh so you're not alone there they don't like them at all they don't want peas in anything.

What vegetables do they like?

None.

They don't like any of them.

Yeah, same.

Actually, my youngest is really good.

My oldest is awful.

Yeah.

It's just, I think it's just, you know, kids.

I like vegetables more now as an adult than I ever did as a kid for sure.

But yeah, I'll never understand why people don't like peas, though.

Peas feels like cheating.

You have to eat like

the things I heard were that kids have much stronger taste of bitter things.

So that's why they don't like green vegetables because they taste much more bitter to them than they do to us.

And that goes away over time.

And the second thing is that's why kids also don't like coffee or people don't really like coffee until they grow up a bit.

The other thing is if you're eat swallowing without chewing, that's really bad for you actually.

It's not good for your digestion.

It's actually probably not harmful actually, but it's more like it will just not digest

it.

So you won't get all the nutrients out of it.

The whole point of eating green peas and beans is that they're good for you, and you should try and eat a couple of them every couple of days because they have stuff in that other vegetables don't have in there.

Eating greens, very important.

If you don't chew them, you're not actually really going to digest them properly, and you won't get the goodness out of them.

So, what's the point of eating green stuff in the first place if you're not going to chew it?

Please masticate properly.

Here's a weird one.

You should chew 13 times.

I had a colleague who would eat a whole sharing bag of crisps with a spoon.

That's the whole email.

Just at the end, just to get all the crumbs.

No, they would eat the whole bag with a spoon.

The crumbs bit is just you build the bag into a little triangle shape, and you know, there's an art to the crumbs at the end.

Yeah, exactly, aka the crisp tritis.

That's what it's called.

I do like that.

You know what I hate, though?

We've been in a cinema, and we were watching a movie, it was quite a serious movie, and there was these two girls in front of us who'd come in, and to save a bit of money, they obviously brought their own bag of crisps in with them.

But they brought the most crinkly bag of kettle chips possible, and they're like, rustle, rustle, rustle, rustle.

and this old fella next to me leaned forward he went would you mind keeping it down please and they tried to be as quiet as possible for the remainder of the film and then just gave up but i've been in a cinema before with people and they're like crinkling wrinkling away and then they're like tipping the bag and you're looking at the movie and there's this guy tipping a bag a couple of rows in front of you it's just crumbs it used to be um it used to be you got like a like a cardboard box of popcorn which wasn't loud smart um and then they still get you'd get like a drink yeah they still do it.

But the thing is, movie food at the movie theater has changed so much.

You can get everything now.

You can have like a hot dog in there.

You can get pizza.

You can get like nachos with cheese and

stuff.

And some of these things, I think, you know, they haven't thought about them.

All they thought about was, oh, wow, here's more money.

But they haven't thought about how they might affect like the people

in the cinema, you know?

Because

some of the hot food obviously smells.

And, you know,

it might smell kind of gross uh if you don't like that sort of thing and some of it can be noisy too like noisier than you'd expect you used to not be allowed to bring your own stuff in either that used to be a big thing wasn't it we used to sneak it in you have to so when we went to the cinema in the states we'd go this one uh one of the mums would take like a bunch of us all at once and she would bring a supermarket bag like a carrier bag like she'd been shopping but in it was popcorn oh yeah that's that's yeah and you could just make a huge batch yeah You could bring your own.

Sometimes you bring like caramel corn or whatever.

Yeah.

She'd, but she'd bring a huge bag.

And of course, no one's going to search your shopping bag.

No.

Because they're just going to think, oh, they just got their shopping with her.

Yeah.

And then she'd in there, she'd have like little cups and give everyone.

Yeah.

All right.

Here's one from Alex.

With a grilled cheese sandwich or a toasted cheese, as we call it over here, I'll eat the crust off of three sides first so that the core of the grilled cheese is pure deliciousness without the crust.

And as a kid, I ate fruit loops one color at a time.

Fair enough.

So

you've got a lot of time on your hands.

With the grilled cheese, I'll be honest with you.

Just cut the crusts off.

That shit.

Shit is just going down the hatch.

It doesn't matter how.

I'm not even thinking about it.

If I was using a fork and a knife to eat that thing, there'd be fucking sparks coming off my plate.

Like, I'm not

waiting around.

I do love a toasted cheese sandwich.

My God.

Yeah.

I might have one.

I might have one today.

Damn, they're so good.

I know.

I've got a microwave toasty maker that I've been meaning to show you sips when you next a microwave toasty maker.

Yeah, I was going to do like I was going to make you I was going to do for like a members video like a toasty challenge where I was going to make you like a normal one and then joining the microwave.

Well, what do you mean, a microwave toasty maker?

Well, it's it's it's like basically it's two

ceramic crustness.

Yeah, you wouldn't get any

crusty

cheesy bits on the crusts.

Morphe Richards

microwave toasty sandwich maker.

I've had it for a a few years i hate morphe richards he's brilliant i hate that guy i know simon i watched ashens video where he was making some dumb stuff with it he made like ice cream toasties and all sorts of dumb stuff with it and it was like it was just very impressive like he got like a tesco chicken sandwich and put that in the toastie you can't make it yeah it's crispy it's very clever how do you how do you make something crispy in the microwave yeah you can i know it's very clever it heats up these two ceramic plates in this rubber thing It's just very clever.

Okay, I don't understand it.

It's got some witch

inside it.

All right, here's one from the ceramic must be aligned to the microwave.

This is from Tony.

This is from Tony.

I eat pizza backwards, starting at the crust

and working my way to the tip.

I didn't like the crust as a kid and would only eat the part of the pizza with toppings on.

Eating the pizza this way lets me get the toppings with the crust bites instead of being stuck with plain bread at the end.

Of all the things that my kids don't like to eat, I'm so grateful that they don't like the crusts on pizza because it just just means more crusts for me.

Like, uh,

we never waste any crusts in this household, I eat them all.

You're not gonna eat these crusts.

I'm just eating all the crusts.

Get some nice extra virgin olive oil and dip the crust in it afterwards.

It's delicious.

The crust is great.

Oh, man.

If it's a good pizza, oh, come on.

Yeah, I just think that the crust is the handle.

So,

how's this guy handling his pizza when he is just sort of all sloppy and like saggy?

Like, yeah, I get it.

I get it.

Like, I agree.

Like, eat the crust with a bit of topping.

Good advice.

Build it in.

Um, I mean, a lot of people do fold,

and that solves the problem.

Yeah, you gotta.

Um,

but but I think, like, oh man, these fucking emails, man, they're blowing my mind.

I don't know how you eat the crust first, honestly.

Well, just

here's here's another impressive way.

This is from Colm.

Uh, I had a friend in sick form who ate pizza in the most reprehensible way.

Right?

If you can think of a worse way than this number one pick off the toppings like and eat them number two

bite off the cheese number three scrape the sauce off with his front teeth number four

detach crust number five roll up remaining base and squish into a sausage shape i hope this guy is in jail to be honest

crimes against crimes against humanity that is too much definitely definitely that's too much

that these there are certain people who disassemble things i I mean, they used to be the people who would eat biscuits in a sort of very disassembling way, where they would, you know, carefully pull everything apart.

And when you were kids, did you ever have a friend that would eat things really slow?

Because they were like, oh, I don't want to like finish it because then I won't have so they'd just like nibble at something.

You're just like wolfing down.

Like

you get like three cookies, you wolf them down, you turn around, your friend's just like nibbling like one of the chocolate chips on the cookie, and you're like, what are you doing?

Like, I'm making it last longer.

What the fuck are you doing?

Give me that.

I do remember at Easter, there was a, my mom would give me and my sister an Easter egg, and it's gone that day.

Yeah, like we would scarf it down.

Yeah, I went to see my friend, and this was like three weeks later, and he still had an Easter egg.

Like, he'd just take a little bit every day.

Yeah, and they'd be like, How, when did you get this?

He's like, Easter.

It's like, that was three weeks ago, man.

How have you not eaten it?

It's like, you just have a little bit every day.

Get fucked.

Scarf that fucker down.

I have done the little bit everyday Easter egg as well, but I've only done it because I got so many other chocolates that I felt sick and I just couldn't finish it, you know?

I had these big ideas like, oh, I'm going to eat this whole egg.

And then I got halfway through.

I was like, I'm going to barf, actually.

I should slow down, maybe eat the rest tomorrow or something.

So I've definitely seen this before.

I have had an Easter egg last a little bit longer than a day, but not much.

Yeah.

Sometimes you buy this massive, like,

Tony's chocolately thing.

Oh, man.

Tony, Tony should last me.

Chocolate is really good, by the way.

This thing should last me ages.

And then it's gone in like a day.

And I'm like, where did this happen?

I got like a big slab of it.

Cause, you know, it's like thick.

I got a big slab of it.

I think it was for Easter.

It's like a doorstep.

Christmas.

And it had like these little fragments of salted caramel inside.

Holy shit.

So I've been to a really fancy dinner the other day with a couple of people.

I won't name them, but it was like one of the yacht car crew and um this cutesy girls streamer uh did i meet the cutesy girl streamer i don't know maybe but um she's she's quite small and and um and and dinky so we went to this sort of semi-posh brasserie restaurant right a brasserie not a beefa or

I went there with my parents, so I thought, oh, I'll take this guy out as a treat, you know, because he's on a Jingle Jam community stream, you know, and so had she, actually.

And so I was like, oh, I'll just take him out for a nice dinner.

So I said to them, the portions weren't too big

because,

you know, it's a fancy place.

So they were like, okay.

And they ordered the sausages and mash.

And when it came, it was fucking massive.

It was this gigantic pile of mash with three sausages that were like...

Like, if you looked at sausages, you thought, one of those is enough.

Why do you go to a fancy restaurant to just eat what you could just warm up in a microwave at home?

Well, I thought the point was going to go to a place like that was to try something, you know, new and exciting or whatever, not just that.

I will say that sometimes they're going to be dinner at a restaurant.

Yeah, but they take that basic meal and they're like, they make it like 10x.

Like, sometimes it's nice to have the old ultimate bacon sandwich by Heston Blumenthal.

You're like, oh my God, this is amazing.

But I don't recommend that.

I don't recommend it because then it ruins baker's sandwiches for you, for example.

Forever.

Yeah, you're like, this isn't as good as Hester.

I'll never have another one.

Yeah.

But actually, these fancy places tend to eat like the guy who deconstructs the fucking, you know, Oreos or whatever.

They take stuff apart.

They're like, oh, this is

official chips, except for we've taken it in the future.

The Jeffrey Dahmer of pizza eating, you mean, is who you're referring to.

All right.

So we got another.

This is from Justin.

You asked for weird ways of eating.

I eat lasagna by flipping it over and eating it layer by layer.

You get two layers of tomato sauce pasta, one layer of ricotta pasta, and another tomato layer, and then the best part, the cheesy crust.

I also eat apple strudels layer by layer.

No way, man.

I'm a big mixer when I eat.

So I like, for lasagna, for me, it's top down.

I got to get a bit of everything in there.

But even like if I eat, you know, like a, like a breakfast, I get like a bit of eggs on my fork and a bit of beans and a bit of, like, I like to have a mix, you know?

I like to have a little bit of everything.

I'll mix a bit.

I'll mix it.

I mean, for example, yesterday me and Mrs.

F had a very, very middle-class lunch.

We had avocado on sourdough toast with a poached egg on top.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

So really tasty.

And I'll happily mix all three of those things together.

But if I'm having a fryer, sometimes I just want a delicious bit of sausage.

Yeah.

And then, oh, a nice bit of fried egg.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, nice, some beans or whatever.

So I'm not a big mixer because sometimes I'm like, one flavor is going to overpower the others quite often, I think.

Man, you know what I had for dinner the other day?

Jack of potatoes with cheese and beans.

Love it, mate.

Cheesy Beano JP is the beesne.

Oh my God.

Yeah, we've gone back into a bit of a jack of potato era, me and Mrs.

F.

Because often when we're working at home together, it'll get lunchtime.

She's like, do you fancy some lunch?

I was like, fuck yeah, let's have some JPs.

Boshamon, nice and crispy on the outside.

Cheese, beans if you want.

Oh, beans.

Unbeatable, mate.

Unbeatable.

All right.

This is, I'm not going to say this person's name because it's an unusual name.

They didn't say not to read it out, but I'm going to, I'll save you from this.

Typically, when I'm having a sandwich or sandwich-related item, I'll eat them in circles.

That's the best word I could find to describe what I do.

The inner bite of the sandwich is the best.

It has the most additions and bread-to-innard ratio.

So to savor this bite for last, I'll eat the crust first.

and work my way around until I have one last glorious bite.

This is the same for burgers, subs, burritos, and tacos.

The only time I don't partake in this ritual is if I'm at at the in-laws because I don't want them to judge me.

That's surgical, the way that you.

That's very methodical.

It is.

Yeah.

But I mean, I suppose just eating it like, I mean, like, the way I would eat a sandwich, for example, is I would eat it

kind of like,

you know, left to right, all the way down.

Like, I don't eat like the middle and then just save like

a crown on a typewriter.

Like,

yeah, like, I'll eat, I'll eat like the corner.

Yeah, kind of.

Like, I'll eat like the corner.

So, like, I'll eat a bit of crust and then the main bit, and then I'll work my way across to the other corner.

Okay.

And then I see.

You know, I'll zigzag my way down sort of thing.

I generally go in a left to right middle.

Left, right, middle, left, right, middle.

And then you save, so you save like the U shape of crust for the end.

You'll have like a whole crust.

No, what I'm saying is.

You work the middle and then eat the crust.

If you've got a triangle, you've got a square sandwich, cut it into a triangle.

I'll go like top left.

I'm numb-numb.

Top right.

I'm numb numb and to reward myself for eating the crust, I'll go for two middle bites.

I'm numb, I'm numb.

And then I start again.

I'm numb.

I'm nom.

Num num.

You know what?

Most of these are essentially saving the best bit for last.

Yeah.

And it makes me think this is like people in their average lives really one of the few things that everybody takes pleasure in is eating.

And if you've just got your sandwich on your lunch break at work, that's like the highlight of your middle of the day.

It's like, oh, lunch.

Thank God.

And so you want to make the most of it.

And if making your sandwich very slightly more enjoyable for yourself, fucking go for it.

Ignore the haters.

Yeah.

No, no, no judgments here.

I'm just, it's just, some of it is a little bit

different to what I'm used to, you know?

Yeah.

But I mean, I don't mind.

Like if somebody, if somebody wants to eat their sandwich all the way around and then just save them a little bit for the last, it's weird.

I'll laugh at it because it's funny, but I'm not going to

hate on you.

No, no, I won't hate on you.

All right.

This is from Ben.

I am really against.

This is in relation to what you were just saying, Chris.

I am really against mixing wet and absorbent solid foods.

Really?

Beans have to be in a separate bowl in a fry-up or they make the hash brown soggy.

Gravy cannot touch roast potatoes on the plate.

They have to be dipped.

Mayonnaise has to not touch the fries.

They also have to be dipped.

Kind regards, Ben.

I can kind of relate to that.

A little bit, but like, I don't, I honestly don't mind beans making anything soggy.

Like, I'll just have like a, you know, I'll just eat the soggy bit with some beans and I won't really notice.

Like, it doesn't, it doesn't.

But I think what Ben's point is, is the hash brown is meant to be crispy.

Yes.

I'm saying for a good roast potato.

So I understand what you're saying, where you want to retain as much of the crispiness as you can and dip it when you're ready.

I think if it's not.

Not on the beans time.

Not on the bean

not on my time if it's crispy enough to begin with those beans aren't aren't going to be making a dent on those bad boys like they'll still be pretty crispy okay yeah i guess

i feel like i don't want them all mixed up or liquidized in a big fucking blend no i mean that's right that is extreme

but at the same time i i feel like things that touch is like a serendipitous accidental saving me work right i i will be dipping those hash browns in the bean juice anyway.

So

if they start next to each other, it saved me the effort is what I think.

I always think of it as

an act, you know, a combination that I wouldn't have necessarily.

It's a labor-saving device.

It's a labor-saving device.

I don't care.

I'm on board.

You know, it's best to just look at things as a happy accident.

You know, it's the Bob Ross way of food.

I call it.

Do you know what would be nice if in a restaurant they said to you when you order, touching or not touching?

Yeah, and you could say not touching, and they'll bring you a special plate with separate parts like a baby plate.

That's that's what you like your half crowns pre-dipped in bean juice.

Would you like them to be pre-drinked?

I love that touching or not touching that way to begin with.

Not touching these breads.

Would you like the bean juice?

I imagine he's leaning right in.

He's proceeding.

Well, actually, what you'll find, though.

You will find that most fancy places, they bring you the beans in a little crusade pot or whatever it is.

A little, what's it called?

They're like those little,

you know, people get like those almost Spanish-themed

outside,

yeah.

Outside, like,

you know, bowls and cups and stuff for the summer.

You know, if you get those little tiny bowls,

and they always have like, you know, know, they look like they were, they look like they come from, you know, like Mexico or something.

Those are ramacles.

Little tiny ones.

Little bowls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Put your beans in those, maybe.

Put the beans in those.

Get your beans in those.

All right.

Here's one from Felix.

I eat kiwis skin on, basically like an apple.

I wash it first.

I'm not a complete apple.

I don't like it.

My wife thinks I'm crazy, stating it's too hairy, but I find it's much like eating a peach.

Nice.

There you go.

I've tried it, and I think this, I think the skin has its own weird taste.

The only time I've ever had a kiwi is if it's part of like a fruit salad, you know, like a store-bought one.

Yeah, I don't think I've eaten one of those.

I don't think I've ever just eaten a kiwi on its own.

My youngest is allergic to them, weirdly enough.

Oh, weird.

Yeah.

I've never heard of someone being allergic to kiwis.

Have you ever...

You know what a banana peel tastes like, right?

Not really.

No, I've never eaten one.

Oh, if you accidentally bite it, it's really bitter.

Yeah.

I think sometimes you do

it with your teeth.

And so everyone's sort of done it.

Orange peel is

kind of citrusy.

But you can't eat it.

Orange peel, no.

No, you can't.

It's too tough.

I don't think you could even digest it.

They're both not very pleasant.

What about using a potato peeler on an apple and then eating the apple without any skin on it?

I like that.

My grandmother always used to peel her apples.

Yeah, always.

I don't mind.

I like the skin, but she would always peel.

I mean, the whole thing is you're meant to try and get the peel off in one go.

But the thing we used to do at school, if you were peeling an apple, was that the shape that the.

Well, you can kind of do that with tomatoes when they're in a real rough state, you know?

You could.

You could take like the whole skin off, but then it's the tomato inside is like really mushy as well.

But you do that after you're like making a passato or something.

Yeah.

But the shape of the peel when it lands on the floor is the initial of the first name of the person you're going to marry.

Remember that?

Okay.

That was from school.

Okay.

Right.

That was primary school.

We got one from Brian.

Chucky if your name's like, you know, Rodney or yeah, well, so you're Brian.

You're never going to get picked.

my wife is my wife is telling me that she had a friend growing up at school who had a tortoise and the tortoise's name was Patrick

that's a good name that's a great name isn't it it's a good name for a tortoise

name you hear much anymore it's like it's falling out how did you guys did you ever meet anyone who uh did the thing where they cut cut apple or fruit with a big knife into a specific shape and they'd sort of stab it and you know they have this knife-based routine for eating well no like you're you're talking about like uh people in like the nineteen twenties with their they've got their pocket knife and they eat an apple.

Like a hobo.

You see it in those in the World War two movies all the time as well.

They take their knife out and they cut a big piece of cheese and they just eat it with a bit of bread.

Yeah.

They're like off the knife.

Let me get my pocket knife.

She

this apple doesn't stand a chance.

Just like the piece of the apple off and and so it's like the the the pre-war version of the of the the the guy with the samurai sword and then Fedora.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, the middle lady of its era.

All right, this is from Brian.

When I was in my mid-20s, I worked in a call center with a ragtag bunch of weirdos.

Brian, I can absolutely relate to this.

One of them being Adrian.

That's his real name, but I think I'm safe because he doesn't listen to podcasts.

Adrian was in his mid-30s at the time, but always brought in lunch made by his mother.

His lunch would consist of a buttered demi-baguette with ham and a bottle of Coke.

Every day, Adrian would take the ham out of the roll and set it on the table, then eat it slice by slice.

He never ate the bread.

When asked about it, he would say he doesn't like crusty bread.

The concept of making whatever the fuck he wants himself didn't occur to him.

Also, I fully peel the banana before I eat it, and my brother-in-law is afraid of potatoes, which is ironic because he's Irish.

There you go.

Afraid of potatoes?

Well, because they can be poisoned, can't they, if they go green and you eat them when they're green.

But I don't think this is true.

I'm not sure how.

I've never been poisoned by a potato or even like heard of anyone who has.

No, where did you hear that?

What a sort of a thing.

No, it's bollocks, isn't it?

I think a bit of green on a potato is poison.

It's not poison, it's not like a cartoon.

Sometimes you get

like

a potato chicken that's got a poison green on it and still eat it.

Yeah, I don't agree with it.

Green potatoes can be dangerous because they're solanine, a chemical that potatoes produce to fight off insects.

Can be dangerous.

Ah, come on.

Yeah, I think you're supposed to eat too much green potato.

Yeah, a little bit on a cripping.

You'll be fine.

A little bit of poison is okay.

This is from Josh.

I've just been caning through all the weird ways because I think these are really funny.

So this lad always gets flack for this, and he's trying to argue his case.

I eat Kit Kats, the standard two-finger version, as if they're any kind of chocolate bar.

I don't snap them into two parts.

I just pick one end and start chomping.

I always forget this is weird.

And whenever I've had a Kit Kat, someone has pointed it out to me as if I'm some kind of anarchist.

I would argue that snapping the chocolate into two is much less satisfying, as a single finger is very thin.

The double is a much more satisfying bite.

Kit Kat also makes a Kit Kat chunky, which most people agree is a superior version.

Newsflash, these are essentially just two and a bit fingers stacked together.

Yeah, but

why are we beholden to some imaginary rule for eating a chocolate bar that, in my opinion, makes the overall experience worse?

I will concede that the snapping is necessary for the four-finger version, for practicality's sake.

Well, thank you, Josh.

Debate, discuss.

You ever eaten a Kit Kat?

You get the four bars, and you're meant to snap them off one at a time.

But have you ever done it so that you kind of like eat diagonally and it looks like pan flutes?

Oh my god, no, I haven't.

That is psychopathic.

You eat the whole thing.

I agree with the original guy.

A two-finger Kit Kat snap is the perfect version and the chunky is superior.

I'm fully on board.

This man is correct.

Give him a Nobel Prize.

Kit Kat Chunky.

You're banned.

I did it one time.

Okay.

It's not a regular thing, but I do really like Kit Kat Chunky.

I just

regular putting your face on all bars of Kit Kats and your black list.

This man is not allowed to buy Kit Kat Chunky.

I tend to eat Kit Kats.

I'll kind of nibble the chocolate off.

until there's a bit of wafer and then eat that and then keep doing that.

Yeah, kind of, I just liked a little bit of chocolate and then a little bit of chocolate.

One of my companies, I can't remember which one would suck the chocolate off of the like,

so you just have wafer left over.

Suck all the chocolate off.

They did it one time and we got mad.

And then I just think, like, if you're wolfing down a chocolate bar, like it's fuel, yeah, you know, let's say, let's enjoy it a little bit.

It's a treat, it should be treated as such.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I was at the store this morning.

You can get four Wisper bars for £1.50.

That's insane.

I think

I'm still deeply uncomfortable about the ham guy.

That really gave me a very visual image of the office.

One of the guys from the office coming in and doing that.

All right, well,

I think I've exhausted my weird eating emails for this mailbag.

So let's move on to some others.

Oh my god, we got through them.

Yeah, I think so.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, thank golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites.

I participate in McDonald's for a limited time.

Have you ever browsed in incognito mode?

It's probably not as incognito as you think.

Google recently settled a $5 billion lawsuit after being accused of secretly tracking users in incognito mode.

Google's defense: incognito does not mean invisible.

In fact, all your online activity is still 100% visible to a ton of third parties, unless you use ExpressVPN.

Oh my goodness.

Without ExpressVPN, those third parties can still see every single website that you visit, as Sip said, even in incognito mode.

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That could be your school, your boss, your parents, or your wife.

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I'm thinking about one right now.

Which one?

Phones, laptops, tablets, or more?

All those.

It's rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge.

Nice.

I know Lewis uses ExpressVPN all the time.

I use it when I'm on my phone.

Because a lot of the time you try to connect to a website, it will say, secure connection not available.

You can't do it on this Wi-Fi network.

ExpressVPN, that shit, and you're away with it.

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That's expressvpn.com slash Triforce, and you can get an extra four months free.

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Now on with the show.

This is from Joseph.

This is a choose your own adventure that Joseph has written for us.

And

the topic is the worst date of all time.

Okay.

Okay.

This is about a guy they live next door to.

It's one of my favorite to tell in a multiple choice slash choose your own adventure format.

The objective is to have the worst date imaginable, which this so this is a real story, which this guy somehow managed to accomplish by making the worst decision every step of the way.

Okay, so you should choose the worst decision.

This guy matches with a girl on Tinder who also knew my friend and told them everything that happened.

After a brief chat, they decide to plan a date and agree that he will come pick her up to drive her to a restaurant.

Here is choice number one.

Do you take your date to a nice restaurant in the center of town or do you take her to a McDonald's?

Oh my god.

He's going to take her to a McDonald's, obviously.

Do you go to

this is what he chose?

So, yeah, so if this is like a cheese-owned adventure where we have to pick the worst one to progress the world.

Oh, right.

We have to pick up the microphone.

Listen,

it is.

There's arguments for and against, honestly.

Like, it depends.

Well, not really.

There's only a few arguments for McDonald's.

And I think that is if you had had some sort of in-joke going or like they

had mentioned it specifically, you know, in the chat.

Like, I really am pankered for a McDonald's.

Taking someone to McDonald's is a steady relationship thing.

Yeah.

Where you were like, let's just get a Mackie's.

Like, that's not the point where you're.

Taking someone to McDonald's is a desperation.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

There is nothing else available.

No, no, no.

It's a tree.

You know each other well enough to know.

It is a tree.

Of course, everybody fucking loves a Mackey's, mate.

Yeah, but

it's not somewhere you plan to go.

I feel like

somewhere on a whim that you're like, ah, shit, I'm harvesting.

I'm saying you've got to meet boyfriend, girlfriend.

Like, this is, it's like, let's get fucking Mackeys and then go in the picture.

You've just been shopping for like three hours, and you're like, I got to have something to eat.

Yeah.

I'm going to go.

Like, it's not a date.

Yeah, it's not.

Like, it's somewhere you'd go.

Like a braso.

You don't pick somebody up.

Excuse me.

I need three hours to get ready.

I'm coming to the bottom.

We're looking for a braser.

At a pinch.

At a pinch, a piece of will do.

Not a restaurant.

Not a restaurant.

And totally.

Not aware where the beans are served in a little gravikin.

A rabikin of beans is the sort of thing I would expect in a braserie.

And only a braserie.

Not a rasique.

There are a lot of things not to touch one another.

Excuse me.

Is it possible to order 50 nuggets from this braser?

You do nuggets in a braserie.

And a larger, what is it called?

A French fries

and uh

I don't know if this is possible here but could you dino-size my fries

and perhaps a bag with some wet fruit in it if you have it

uh so we picked two we take it to a mcdonald's do you go to mcdonald's in the center of town so at least you have somewhere nice to walk around after eating or no you go to

a truck stop one and you drive it to a mcdonald's at a rest stop by the highway yeah yeah exactly right That's the one.

So now this is now option three.

Do you chill in the restaurant to eat so you can chat comfortably?

Or do you go through the drive-through to pick up food?

What the fuck?

Okay, so this is

motorway services, McDonald's now.

This is a very different scenario from a regular.

We are taking the drive-through because we're taking the worst option every time.

Okay, so we go.

If you take the drive-through, where are you stopping to eat?

It's gotta be an industrial estate.

So do you drive somewhere nice to have the the food or do you just eat the food in the car park yeah or that wow you eat the food in the car park yeah and then you open the door and throw all of the garbage just out onto the ground

no it just goes on the back seat with the rest of it yeah yeah yeah so here's the final option the final chance to save the date do you say uh you have a nice relaxed chat in the car or turn to your date who is holding a Big Mac and say, I have a condom.

Wow.

Do they have Big Mac juice like all around their lips?

Like you caught them at the point where they hadn't wiped their mouth yet.

They're still eating.

I want the freeze frame.

I want the most miserable option possible.

And that would probably be it, right?

Joe, I don't want to hear any more emails from people who say, I can't get a date on.

I went on one date on Titan and she didn't call me back.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, guys.

I don't want to hear any more of those emails from you guys.

Not after this.

That's it.

Because that's what I'm assuming you are.

I assume you are that guy.

This email was the Kaiser Soze reveal moment.

This was the mug drop.

This

made it all make sense, you know?

Jesus Christ.

Is there more?

Please.

Because I cannot imagine.

There's more emails.

No, that's the end of that one.

That was the end of the day thing.

He just dropped her home.

The end.

So wait.

So we picked all of the worst options, and that was his date.

Yes, that was that guy's actual hate.

And then you imagine.

Yeah, she was like, they ate in in silence, and then he dropped her head.

Oh, my God.

What did she have?

A Big Mac?

A Big Mac.

Fair play.

Although, honestly, I will say a lot of women would say that that was not their worst date ever.

No,

I feel like he would have been in real trouble if she'd not gotten anything.

That would have been worse.

If he'd gotten like a full McDonald's meal and she was like, I'm not hungry and just sat

and waited to be dropped.

The guy drove me to McDonald's and I ate at McDonald's in the car park and then he drove me me home.

That doesn't show the answer.

As far as these things go, it could have been way worse.

I think what made that email not, I mean, because if the email had just been, a mate of mine went on a first date and all he did was take a girl to McDonald's and they ate in the car park, I probably wouldn't have read it out.

But it made it interesting when you broke it down and you realized that this guy had to make those decisions.

At every stage, he made the worst decision available.

And that is impressive.

That is impressive.

Did he, was was he not, he must have not been feeling the date either.

He must have

just a fucking idiot.

No, I mean, he picked her up and they went straight to the Mackeys on the, on the motorway and ate in the car park.

I just think he was clueless.

Good God.

All right.

So long time list, the first-time writer.

As a bit of background, I work in the maritime industry.

Right.

So I worked with a lot of people who were on the older side and like to tell tall tales.

During the course of one of my colleagues, He started talking stories.

He started talking about a certain pub that was a strip club as well, and where you put one pound in the glassy to view the act

i thought that i'd heard of this before some moons ago from yourself yes uh mr flags he said he frequented the pub when he was a car salesman in his younger years and would regularly get pissed with his scottish friend i thought you would find this amusing it's true yeah it's true uh it really was uh in a glass older lads would be in there popping quids in the pine glass that is like a triforce episode god that's a long early teens maybe yeah a long time ago that was would have been like seven or eight years ago that we talked about that.

It would have been, yeah.

Yeah, it was animated.

And now it's all fancy.

Yes, it was even animated.

Now it's all fancy.

You got to put dollar bills down their thongs.

You got to swipe them.

You got to swipe their butt cracks.

You got to swipe their butt cracks with the.

No, they've got like a, it's, it's, it's just, you pay on your

if they've got a phone scanner thing.

You don't even need to get the plastic QR code.

You just hold your phone up.

The old QR code.

People QR codes covering up their nipples.

You got to scan them

to reveal.

Fucking hell.

By the way,

we did a, I know this is not the mailbag.

We did a sponsored thing this week.

And let me just show you what the things say.

So I'm just going to post this in the Yogs recording studio.

So sometimes people are really with it.

Okay.

Sometimes people are like, we want you to do a video.

We want this.

We want it to be like, you know, like, like they'll pop, they'll have like a really good idea of what videos are doing well on YouTube.

And they'll be like, can you do something like this?

Or, and they'll give all these great suggestions.

They're like, We'll work with you really closely, and it's brilliant.

Other times, they'll just be like absolute nightmare.

Right.

This one group we worked with, they sent us this list of banned words.

Okay, I'm just looking at this.

This is such a long list.

Yes, and there are some words on here that are insane.

There are analytic words on there.

Well, exactly.

That's a bad word.

Ass there's like a ass hat, arse, arse hole, ass, okay.

It's alphabetical, yeah.

But they don't even let you.

You can't even say Willie.

Just

ball licking.

Ball.

Ball gravy.

So, wait, wait, wait.

They've banned the word.

Ball gravy.

They've banned the word prude.

Prude.

You can't say prude.

That's bang.

Banger, banging, bare back, barely legal.

You can't say bare naked.

Racy?

Racy?

You can't say the word sex.

You can't say the word beat your meat with no spaces.

Just one word of beat your meat.

You can't say octopus

you can't say biatch they keep going on about two girls one cup yeah like that's in

cup in every one guy one job look at this one you can't say banties bloody hell you can't say bloody hell bloody hell blow job blow me blow you bollocks bollock bollock

sips is still at b right

this goes this is a to z and some of the words on this list are insane i've never even heard bum fuck bummer bung bung hole bunny fucker bust a load

god

you can't say loin you can't say loin you can't say butt pirate you can't say butt man you can't say butthole butt hair lesbian butt munch you can't say oh jelly donut

What does that mean?

You can't say jelly donut.

Dick sneeze.

You can't say dick-ish.

Dick charming dummy.

Dick bag.

You can't say dummy.

Eat hair pie.

Eat my ass.

Eat pussy.

Oh, God.

So, okay, there's a lot of dots that's on here, but some of them are so weird.

Like, like, cyber fucker.

What's that?

You can't say fat.

You can't say fat ass, fat fuck, fat fucker.

I mean, you can't say that fucking fucker.

I think they banned every single word, pretty much.

All right, this is so dull herds.

Bumblefuck.

I mean, what it's just nonsense.

Some of these words just

when you get to K, it's come, comer, coming, comes, but with a K.

Oh, my God.

You can't say lemon party.

You can't say leper, lesbian, lesbians.

And then you get to masturbate, which they've also covered M45 turbate as well.

So, you know, if you're trying to get around it with, you know, numbers as well.

you can't yes yeah it's but it's very strange and very specific muff and Muff Diver.

Motherfucking.

I just thought you'd get a kick out of this.

That is something else.

This is insane.

Who compiles this?

I know.

It's

wild.

It's the dude that fucking eats his sandwich in a circle.

Gets to the middle.

That's his job.

He's made.

I'm just saying, there was a meeting.

There was a meeting somewhere where someone read out all these words and they all had to be approved.

I guarantee you.

Can you imagine this meeting?

Okay.

Can we think of any...

Okay, we're moving on to B now.

I think we've covered all the A's.

It's been 10 hours.

God.

Fucking hell.

All right, here's one.

I'm not sure about this email

because I hadn't noticed this myself.

Dear Triangles, I have noticed over the years that your logo has slowly begun to become less and less Triforce-shaped.

Your original logo had U3 in perfect Triforce orientation.

The second logo, Chaos entered the room, and you grew disheveled, but still vaguely Triforce-esque.

Now now your logo just has you three in a line not at all like a proper triforce is this a sign that the podcast is falling apart well the name soon changed to three triangles scared and small penised noah no oh no i think hello to where is this hello to brongus where is this line i think you're looking too much into it on the channel header is that what this is i don't know i i didn't ever know we had a logo yeah i think you're i think you're looking too far into it um but we have we would like to announce that actually we're changing the format of the podcast and we're not

calling it Triforce anymore.

It's just going to be two triangles.

Yeah.

No, I think I don't think there's

no thought goes into it.

Well, not from us anyway.

We have done great not to fall foul of being shut down by Nintendo's copyright because they have copyrighted the Triforce now.

Have they really at the start at the start of the podcast when we started it, they hadn't done it.

Oh,

but now they have.

And I think maybe, maybe because we started before they copyrighted it, we're okay, but you know what it's like on YouTube, honestly.

The amount of copyright strikes we get on YouTube these days is so cheap.

Yeah, you can just

the game is you just upload some

track that maybe isn't even yours, um, or you've you've bought somewhere

and the big record companies will do it as well.

They'll buy up a song that used to be copyright free or something, so it's loads of people have used it, and then they'll put it on their back end as a claim.

They'll claim millions of videos.

Overnight, they'll make millions of pounds just leeching those that money.

And it's just out of

the shit industry.

There's no way

basically.

Music

is now

they will copyright melody as well.

So you sing a song.

So on, for example, on the

did the Longest Johns thing, all of that stuff was like basically a cappella.

But because we were a cappellaing a song, you know, like idle weiss or whatever that got claimed right um well i guess it should do because it's a cover but but it it youtube is so hot on these things you can't jokingly sing a song in a youtube video right because the owner of that song will copyright claim you for the mercy dog isn't it so i mean it's it's like i i understand if somebody else was was just putting your exact song up yeah but the idea that it's fair enough to say well you sang it and i own the copyright fuck off.

Like, what kind of world is that?

Yeah.

Don't fuck yourself.

I know.

The music world is fucked and it always has been.

And it just means it just means that we have to be so careful

around music and not listen to music and not use music in any way, shape or form because it just, you know, mutes our VODs or it like commute the whole VOD sometimes.

Like use one track that's the wrong track and your entire, you know, channel gets claimed right or something like that or you get limited.

This copyright stuff is inherently a good thing because it protects artists from having their work nicked and i get that but of course it's been ruined of course it's been fucking ruined because people suck it's it's it's a problem right like i i get it right like it like we don't we're still with stealing your work but if we're listening to your thing in the radio in the background or whatever that shouldn't claim the whole thing we have to be so careful when we go film outside right as well although there is some degree of protection against that um like background music being played it's not,

yes, legally we're protected, but YouTube will still claim it and block your video for potentially weeks while you submit a counterclaim and then you've lost all the revenue from it.

I'm not saying there's not rules that protect us, and I'm not saying that we're not allowed to use this stuff in a fair use way, but YouTube's algorithms are so knee-jerky.

Yeah, there's so many people out there

making money,

wasn't it?

That they don't care.

These companies don't care about doing false claims because

they get so much money from it.

I mean, that whole act, the DMCA act, was so ill thought out that it was always going to lead to this, where they were like, if it happens, YouTube is at fault.

So they have to have this stupid knee-jerk thing.

Like they automatically, if you claim,

they side with you.

You have to defend yourself against that.

And like you said, in the meantime, they get all the revenue because YouTube literally cannot take a chance because of this fucking DMCA act.

That's my understanding of it anyway.

All right, let's do another email.

Let's do another email.

Yeah.

All right.

We'll move on.

Sorry.

I'm grumpy about it.

No, no.

It's just like all of our

VODs, this Jingle Jam were claimed, basically, by some.

Oh, God.

You know,

we fucked them.

We can't put any of the VODs on YouTube or anything.

They're all on YouTube.

They're just none of them monetized.

Damn.

So

I've been going through and actually trimming out

chunks of it to try and get them monetizable.

But some of them will just ever get monetized.

But that's part of it.

Like, we expect certain streams that we do to just not be, and that's okay.

All right.

This is

from someone who they didn't tell me to be anonymous, but they didn't sign the email.

So I won't read it.

And you never know.

I was just wondering how you lads would define the term sword fighting.

Right.

Is this on that banned words list?

No.

Just tell me how you would define the term sword fighting.

Well, it depends on the context, I guess.

Well, just give me the first one that pops to mind.

Well, I mean, you know, I would just imagine some pirates sword fighting.

Lewis?

Sure.

Two

humans holding bladed weapons

engaging in a battle or engaging in

trying to strike each other with it, right?

Okay.

I only asked.

I need the answered English dictionary P5.

I only ask because I had a very awkward conversation with someone I was dating recently.

We'll call them Sam for the sake of the story.

Now, just to be clear, the person emailing in is also a fella.

Okay.

So this is these two gay lads.

They asked me if I'd tried.

So they were in a McDonald's car park.

They were having their first date.

They asked me if I'd ever tried sword fighting, which I've always defined as the act of crossing P streams with another man in the bathroom, which I had.

Crossing P streams.

Yeah, so you pee into the toilet at the same time.

The streams cross.

It's like sword fighting.

Right.

I answered, yes.

I've done it more often than I should probably admit.

When I've been drunk at house parties or in my early uni days, now a few of the close friends I crossed streams with, Sam also knew pretty well, and they were absolutely baffled.

Really?

With them?

You've done it multiple times?

Sam asked.

I felt a little awkward admitting it, but his reaction completely threw me.

It's undoubtedly pretty weird, but I didn't think they'd be so surprised.

After about 10 minutes of confusion and me slowly digging a hole, it finally clicked that we weren't talking about the same thing.

Apparently, according to Sam, sword fighting is when two men bash each other's erect penises together repeatedly, usually to the point of finishing.

Really?

Apparently so.

That would do it?

Well, I guess.

if you're super into hitting another dude's cock with your own, maybe, you know.

I mean, it was not for me, but

I mean, I just, you know what?

That fucking, that sounds hilarious.

How could you keep the straight back?

I don't know.

Maybe, maybe part of the fun is that you're just laughing a lot as well, too.

You know, like

you're creasing up.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, God.

That can only come if I'm really sad and angry.

I I can only come if somebody's eating a Big Mac in front of me.

All right, last email for

this mailbag, because this is quite a long one.

Okay.

So this is stories from working in a hotel.

Oh, God.

These are always the worst.

There's always a shit somewhere in these stories.

You know what?

This is both.

I'm about to go away.

I don't want to go into a hotel for two weeks.

I don't want this.

This is always fun.

I'd rather have the ham guy.

The ham sandwich guy in the back of my house i found this in the shower i i used to work for a very well-known american hotel chain i'm not going to say which one best western for their for their front

for their front office department otherwise known as the reception desk here's some things i still remember from my time there right number one hotel rooms are disgusting yeah and people will do all sorts of weird in them that you wouldn't think about People use the underside of mattresses to shine their shoes.

The bedding protectors, which are those colorful sort of sheets on the duvet, to wipe up dodgy liquids.

And we've had some Asian customers that boiled rice and instant noodles in the kettles, which caused the hotel to remove all the kettles from every room.

The Bellboys and the Concierge are some of the best people in the hotel.

They know so much about the area and they can get almost anything done for you.

But if you leave anything in their care for a long time, they might get suspicious and have a look.

We had someone leave their suitcase with the concierge for almost a year.

This person, a male in the late 50s, would return to the hotel, retrieve their bag, stay a few nights, and leave, depositing their bag back in the concierge's care.

Oh, no.

After After about six months on this, we were all dying to know what was in there.

What could be left for so long?

Couldn't be clothes.

They had no tricleaning bills.

Eventually, one of the bell boys decided to have a sneaky peek.

He found a huge variety of leather bondage gear, donned most of the waist-up gear, including a ball gag, and strode into the lobby when it was empty to show it all off.

We died laughing and never let the concierge live it down.

Oh my god.

I used to work at the front desk/slash reception, and we had to do everything in the evening and night when the rest of the hotel went home.

The The night shift was usually quite fun.

You usually saw some interesting characters, and it was generally quite quiet.

But we also had to fill in for housekeeping, room service, and the kitchen while all these departments went home for the night.

This meant that I had to take someone's 3 a.m.

pizza order, go to the kitchen and cook it, deliver it, and collect the dirty tray and dishes afterwards, all while I was supposed to be manning the front desk.

I didn't realize they had to do everything.

That's crazy.

Some places, yeah.

I guess it just depends.

So, speaking of interesting characters, we had quite a few sex workers come through, escorts or similar.

They were obvious the moment they came to the front door and would come right up to the desk and say, I need to visit room XYZ.

We would have to call up to the room while investigating the customer's loyalty profile and seeing how his wife, how is his wife and how many kids he had and say, excuse me, sir, you have a guest for you in the lobby.

Shall we send them up?

I would then escort the escort up to the room, knock and drop them off, which was always super awkward.

Once I was tired and feeling quite cheeky, so I asked one of them why she did it.

She said, it pays for university.

I stayed silent afterwards.

Fair enough, I guess.

We had to call security to a room after a guest reported strange sounds from a cupboard after they checked in.

I was summoned to the room along with the head of the hotel security, the head of housekeeping, and we all found the largest vibrating dilbo you can imagine.

The thing made the whole cupboard unit shake like a pneumatic drill and was rather emasculating.

Where did it fit?

We had a brief argument amongst the staff as to whose problem it was.

Security lost, and he had to bag it up for lost and found.

Jesus Christ!

Yes, I stayed with you last month and seem to be missing my industrial grade dildo.

I left my Analyzer 4000 behind.

If you could plug it into charge for me, please.

I'd appreciate it.

Fucking hell.

My asshole's returned to a completely normal size since it's been away from me, and I cannot possibly live like this.

Oh, my God.

Good grief.

Okay, well,

that was a fucking great little mailbag.

Thank you so much.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thanks to all the people that write in.

Thank you.

People who've sent that in,

I've lived, I've laughed, I've loved.

I've I've I've

made my day.

Thank you.

Thank you for being sentenced.

Thank you.

Oh, delicious.

Like an entire kiwi fruit with the skin on and everything.

And a sandwich that's delicious.

Thank you.

Keep on coming.

Thank you.

The email address is periamflax at gmail.com for the people that have been asking.

Periamflax at gmail.com.

That's where you send your

emails.

Send them in.

All right.

All right.

We'll see you next time.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.