210: Fill Your Cup.. Ft. Rachel Lindsay

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Okay, here we go. Okay, let's go.
I'm so excited to have you. I'm happy to be here.
I'm a little nervous. I know.
I know. I have to be honest.
What did I get myself into? Because you're so lovely. And I was like, I want to podcast with you.
I want to do your thing. I'm like so excited to be a part of it.
I was telling people that I was doing two hot takes and they were like, oh my gosh, you're about to have so much fun. And I'm like, okay, good.
I'm more nervous of what I'm going to say. Like you feel like your takes might be a little too hot.
Maybe. Maybe.
I could see that. Because the theme I have for you today is like getting into the tea like give me that

piping hot tea okay but I think you are well qualified and I'm so excited to have you which

let me introduce my guest formally for you guys hi welcome back to another episode of two hot

takes I'm your host Morgan and today I have the amazing wonderful beautiful so fucking smart I'm

like I'm blown away by you I really am but this But this is Rachel Lindsay. Hi, guys.
Happy to be here. You live up to that intro.
No, I, well, we met in South by like for South by a couple weeks ago. And I had like known of you because of The Bachelor and Bachelorette.
I mean, first black woman to be The Bachelorette is iconic. And so I knew of you, but I didn't really know your background and how accomplished you were and are.
But I was like, wait, she's a lawyer and now she's podcasting? And she was The Bachelorette? What hasn't this woman done? I feel like I've lived multiple lives, which I feel like should be the goal for everyone. I fully agree.
Yeah. Being able to pivot is something maybe we weren't necessarily taught by the generation before us, but it's like gives me life to be able to do that, to say I was able to overcome fear and just go after what I wanted.
I love a pivot. I know, right? I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of a pivot.
And it's like, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and stick with something and do this. And oh, it's don't rock the boat.
And it's like, no, rock the boat. I know.
Like do what makes you happy. And you're always have the fear in you, right? Like I still get scared to do certain things or I doubt myself, but then I think about where would I be if I hadn't? And then I'm not afraid of the failure because then there's a story to be told.
I look at everything like that's a story I get to tell. That's a life experience I get to share with someone.
I love that. What's something you're doing right now that you're, you were a little scared of before you started? Well, right now, being single.
The podcast. But just being single.
Like, you know,

I was married, divorced. It's all public.
It's all out there. So I'm not like telling anybody else's business, but just getting over saying, okay, this is not working.
It's not good for both of us. You know, the fear of saying, but I have to hold onto this this because I don't know what's on the other side of it.
It's terrifying. But it's the best decision I made.
And I am equally scared as I am excited. And so, yeah, just being single, being out here.
I remember I had anxiety the first time I was at a big event by myself. Not by myself, but not married.
When I say by myself, I meant without my ring because there's like a comfort in having a ring on your finger. And I like went to the bathroom and kind of had not a full panic attack, but just really was scared because I thought people can talk to me and try to date me.
And I haven't had that in seven years. And it was really an overwhelming feeling for me.
And I just had to kind of like regroup, get with my friends, get my bearings together and just say like, okay. Yeah, just navigating single life out here.
I've never been on a dating app. Really? Yeah.
Never done it. I've always met people through friends or The Bachelor.
And so now it's just, just I don't know I feel more myself than ever and I know exactly what it is that I want but finding that is a whole nother journey maybe I'll be one of like the reddit pages you look up I'll create my own horror stories I'm sure it's probably already out there and I mean you'd fit in with relationship advice or am I the asshole? Yeah. You will find your niche if you need it.
I'm not the asshole. No, you're good.
But it is really like refreshing to hear too that like, I think getting over that sunken cost fallacy and hearing firsthand, like it's so relatable. So many people are in it and we might have a story or two where they're battling with that today and trying to move on and, you know, be better in the future.
But I'm excited to get into these.

I am too.

Okay, let's dive in.

Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Okay, this first one, it's coming from our very own 2Hotakes subreddit, titled, My boyfriend cheated on me with his ex for closure.
Now he's sure that he wants me. I don't know if I can forgive him.
So here's the situation. My boyfriend, 26 male, cheated on me, 23 female, with his ex while we were in a long distance relationship for four months.
His ex was someone he was in a very serious four-year relationship with, but they broke up two years ago. When I confronted him, he told me he met her because he never got closure and wanted to resolve past issues.
According to him, he did it for us so that he could fully commit to me without regrets or doubts about what his life would have been like with her. But while having this deep closure conversation, she kissed him.
And they ended up sleeping together. He says he felt horrible afterwards, like he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror because everything he stood for was shattered in that moment.
Now, he swears he's 100% sure he wants me and wants to love me more than anything. He's blocked her and says she's dead to him.
And here's the thing. A part of me believes him.
I don't think he would ever do it again, but I trusted him with everything and he still did this, knowing full well what it would do to me. That boundary has been crossed and no matter how much he regrets it, it can't be undone.
The worst part is that I can't stop picturing it. The images just appear in my head and it physically hurts.
I want to trust him again. I want to believe that we can heal from this, but my friends keep telling me that if I stay, I'll lose all my self-respect.
And the truth is, I've struggled with low self-esteem and low self-love in the past. Ironically, my boyfriend has always encouraged me to love myself, to put myself first, to prioritize my friends and family.
He's been the one pushing me to grow. And I feel like if I leave, I'm not only going to lose him, but I'll have to figure out how to rebuild myself alone.
What would you do if you were me? First off, I want to say I'm so sorry that happened to you. Have you been cheated on before? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I've been cheated on before more than once.
And it's tough because regardless of what went down, how it went down, somehow you always not blame yourself. Maybe some people do.
But you think about what you maybe did wrong, how you could have contributed to it. Like,

what did you do that made him want to seek something else out? And, and the last part of what she said really stuck with me because I feel like that's kind of how she's thinking. And it's not, has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
And there was something that she said about she she'll have to do this alone. That really stuck with me.
You're 23 years old. And oh gosh, I'm getting to that point in life where I feel like I'm like, I'm like the old bird.
I'm like, oh, no, I'm 39. And I'm just thinking at 23.
And I'm trying not I don't want to say cliche things like, oh, you have so much life to live.

But one of the first things we were talking about at the top of this podcast was fear. And I remember somebody saying to me when I knew I wasn't in a good place in my relationship, and it wasn't cheating, but I'm going to go somewhere with this.
And they said to me, do you want to wake up at 45 and feel this exact same way.

And I don't know why.

It's like not even that profound, but it hit me because what I knew was at 45, I would be in this exact same place. My gut did.
And I say gut to say to this young woman, we as women are given that woman's intuition. That is a real thing, that spirit, that voice that speaks within us.
And for you to have to write all of this, you know, you know what you should do. You know how you feel.
You know the person that you are, whatever you struggle with, we all struggle with insecurity. You know what to do.
And you're looking for somebody to tell you what to do, you know what you should do and it's the fear that's holding you back from you know stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something because you you're you're comfortable in the relationship but you're also not comfortable in the relationship yeah because he stepped out on you i just keep going back to she's so young i know there's so much place i can like i can remember being that age. Like I'm 31 now.
And it's like, I remember when I was in college dating who I thought I would marry. And all of a sudden I'm getting broken up with.
And he's got another girlfriend in Canada that he's had the whole time. And like, I remember just being like, that's my person.
What the fuck? Like my mom, my mom was giving me terrible advice. My mom was like, why don't you get on a plane to go to Canada and see if you can fix it I'm like why why do I have to fix it like yeah he fucked up but I do remember just feeling like well fuck like it's over like the world is ending like it feels so big so heavy yeah and there's you don't really see a way forward but the thing is like I also think at at 23 I didn't really know who I was.
She's saying he's pushing me to be strong and he's pushing me to prioritize friends and all this stuff. I don't want to build myself alone, but you really don't need him.
You can do it alone and not necessarily alone either because you have friends, you have family, you're going to have all these other experiences that will build you over time. But like, I feel like I finally, even now at 31, I'm like, okay, I mostly feel like I know who I am, but there's still parts where I'm like, oh, I'm a little too big of a people pleaser.
Like I got to work on that. Like we never truly stop working on ourselves and growing.
And if you do stop, then like, in my opinion, that's kind of a problem. Yeah.
Yeah. So don't be, don't be scared of that.
For sure. And to say that you're alone and you don't want to do it without him, then now your happiness is dependent on him.
And, and you want to get to a place where you, you mentioned it, you have family, you have friends, community is so key in moments like this. And not necessarily that you listen to all this advice and you do what they tell you but just to use them as a support system and you talked about it being heavy it is so heavy right now but you just have to take it day by day you don't have to figure it out i think we're both people you and me morgan that are like we want to figure everything out and know and want to be 10 steps ahead and i think that that's innately within us as well as women.
But some, I was reading this book called Lighter, Young Pueblo, which really helped me through the divorce. And it wasn't even about just relationships.
It's just about mindset. And one of the things is, and I would say this to myself as a mantra every day, don't look at the past because it'll hold you back.
Because in this situation, you're going to romanticize what he was prior to you finding out this information. Then Young Pueblo says, and I'm paraphrasing, but don't look at the future because it'll give you anxiety.
You're trying to figure it all out. The if, ands, whats, what if I do this? You have no idea.
You don't know. You can't even predict his, this boyfriend's, you know, actions.
You don't know what he's going to do, if he may do it again or not. And he says, Young Pueblo says, every day, stay present and take things day by day, one day at a time.
Every day you get stronger and you figure it out. And that's really all you can do.
And you will be shocked if you keep that mindset of how you'll feel different in a week and then a month and then years and then on and on. I'm not saying once a cheater, always a cheater.
I do not believe that. I am not saying that people don't change.
But in this situation, there is some kind of hold with the ex that she has on him. And I don't remember in what context you said he's he told you know the one who wrote in who wrote the post that he was doing this for them was the conversation the closure or was the sex the closure because i was i didn't quite get that yeah i'd love to know which part he found closure yeah like you had to fuck someone one last time to like, okay, yeah, I do like my girlfriend.
Yeah. It's interesting.
And like, I get having a conversation. But the minute she leaned in and kissed you, like, you should have got up and left.
It didn't need to turn into sex though. Yeah.
That's, I'm not, I'm not about it. I think you gotta move on.
Yeah, We won't tell you what to do, but it shouldn't be this hard. No, it shouldn't be this hard.
You will have hard days, but this it shouldn't. This is not how you you don't want this to be the foundation of your relationship.
No, no. Top comment on this one.
Give him closure from your potential relationship. Bye.
At 23, I definitely would have been vindictive. Yeah.
At 23, I definitely would have been like, oh, just let's see how you take it or just lie and say you did. How about that? If you know you're going to end it.
I would be curious if she said, you know what? I thought about what you said and it really made me think about my ex. And if I need to finish some things out and see what's there.
And so I guarantee you it won't be the same reaction. No.
Uh-uh. We have no comments on this one.
No updates. So we'll have to see if they hear this and let us know what happened.
You deserve better. He doesn't deserve you.
Okay, this next one. Also coming from our very own 2HotTakes subreddit, five days old, titled, Am I wrong for finding the comments some people have made about my engagement ring insulting? So I just recently got engaged on Valentine's Day this year.
I was so happy about it and absolutely loved the ring my fiancé had custom made for me. For a little backstory, I was born in October and I've always loved opals.
In my opinion, I think they are more beautiful than diamonds because each one is very unique, especially if they aren't lab grown. My fiance

knows this and handpicked the most beautiful opal stone for my ring, then had someone custom make

this setting and band for it based on what he thought suited me. Since getting my ring, I've

made posts about it on social media. After showing it to some of my work colleagues, friends, and

family members, some have made comments that just don't sit right with me. They would say, quote, I wasn't sure about it, but seeing it in person makes it look a lot better or something similar.
Now, I know some people might not like how untraditional my ring is, but I know that even if I didn't personally like someone's engagement ring, I wouldn't tell them that. I'd just say it fits their personality or something like that.
Am I wrong for feeling upset? Okay, wrong isn't the word that I would use. Yeah, you are kind of wrong for feeling upset.
First off, when she said the ring is something that, you know, people shouldn't come up to you and say, oh, you know, I didn't really like your ring. It's almost like, forgive me, an ugly baby.
You know, you never to say, oh, my gosh. Like, you know, the thing on social media where they're showing the older generation parent.
Like, you never say those things. You say, oh, my gosh, so cute.
Or what a doll or an angel. Like, or an angel.
Or those type of things. That's what you should do with the ring.
But I think wrong is, I struggle with the word wrong for her because I get you being offended because you just laid out this beautiful story of what your ring meant to you and why it was so special. And all that energy is in in this ring and it means so much to you it's subjective it's personal but then someone else looks at it and you want them to have that same joy and they don't it's kind of like who cares and i don't mean to be harsh that but who cares who cares you love it yeah you love it are you wearing the ring so you can get compliments from everyone else? Or are you wearing the ring because the love of your life puts something beautiful together based on who you are and your experience? And that is a symbol of love.
Yeah. That's what it's about.
And that's coming from such like a secure place. Like that's such a like, I know what I want.
I'm happy. I don't care what anyone else thinks.
And I love that. And I myself, I'm like, okay, I need to embrace that more in like some areas of my life.
And I do agree because I'm like, you see cars. I think cars are another one of those things that like you can really be like, that's your personality.
Clearly it's not mine, but like good for you. Like would I drive an orange Kia Soul? No.
But am I happy that someone else can afford that? And like, good for them. But it's not my first choice on a car.
So I think an engagement ring is something like that. Like, I've had people like I went very classic.
I did just. Your ring is beautiful, by the way.
This is not an ugly baby comment. But I went like very safe.
I went like it's an oval oval stone hidden halo underneath it's it's kind of the ring everyone's doing right now and i've even had people still say like oh that's kind of basic and i'm like okay fuck you as you should like as you like it's it's my ring like i don't care if you like it or not moment, I was kind of like, oh, because you are so excited. So I'm like, you're not wrong for feeling like that.
But like, move past it, as you're saying. Like, fuck them.
It is a fuck them. I honestly think it's deeper than that.
If somebody sits there and shits on your ring yeah there's a bit of hater

oh going on they're jealous jealousy there's something so i say match the energy you know if you you can handle this two ways you can just know that you love your ring and who cares or you can say well where's the ring on your finger or shit on the ring on their finger Wait, let me see your ring.

Yeah.

That's right.

Oh, that's, you know, it's.

Yeah.

I think it's a character flaw for somebody to criticize someone's ring because at the end of the day i might not know this beautiful story behind it but i know that the person you love gave you something special and everyone knows that when the girl gets the ring on the finger she's equally excited to tell you she's engaged as she is to say and check out the ring because it's it symbolizes something meaningful.

Yeah. So what kind of person do you have to be to say it to their face?

Just bitter, bitter, miserable.

Yeah.

OK, you want to see it?

You're nervous.

I'm about to be that person. I honestly I don't think I knew what an opal was until this.
I'm familiar with opal because I'm familiar with opal. Sorry, I'm trying to gather my thoughts.
It looks like an insect. I'm trying to gather my, like a locus.
Like you ever seen the bottom of a locus? Like where all the colors come together or cicada, cicada, cicada from Texas.

And you see when it's, when you see the dead cicada, when it's that time of season and

you look at their underbelly, it's all these beautiful colors that actually come together.

So you can see the beauty.

I think I'm getting that right.

Yeah.

That's what that opal looks like.

Do you see that?

I do see the shape now.

It's almost, I was envisioning to like this june bug or like a scarab which like some cultures they're very meaningful those little scarabs and whatever but yeah our differences are what make us like things exciting and interesting everybody was walking around doing the same things in stepford wives you know what i what I mean? That. Yes.
I love that you have something. You know what that is? That's a conversation piece because people are going to look at that and they're not going to assume it's an engagement ring and they're going to ask you about it.
And then what do you get to do? You get to tell a beautiful story. I love that.
Yeah. I love that.
I'm not normally this positive, but I am on this one you go girl i like it i'm in the boat of like to each their own and i think hearing stepford wives that's like the best way to put it like if everyone had this round oval engagement ring like i got like where's the uniqueness where's the beauty if it's all the same and just it's the same exactly it becomes oatmeal if you're if everyone has the same it's just like it's oatmeal it's like it's meh it's meh i hate oatmeal too i know i never wanted an engagement ring so that's probably why i'm so opinionated on this too yeah but of course i went on the bachelor and inside scoop when you're around like week five yeah they're like so what do you want your engagement ring to look like oh wow and you haven't thought about it you're like i'm trying to navigate all these men i'm trying to figure out who i have feelings for what's the next date i'm exhausted how many weeks are there for me they've shortened it now it is short like six seven weeks if that i was 10 weeks okay i did it still not a long time but that three weeks is a huge difference that's when things start to get really serious. That's a lot.
Yeah. But they ask you and you're like, I have no idea.
Because again, I'm the girl who never knew what she wanted her ring to look like. I always wanted a stack of bands.
So yellow, pink. I love that.
Just like, but all paw, they are like a solid gold. That's how I wanted the changeup to be.
And so I said that and they laughed at me and they were like, this is the batch. So you got to pick a stone.
It's yeah. That's signature ring that everyone has.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I, I picked, um, the, um, pear shaped diamond. Okay.
And they told me to get a halo around it because it'll make it look even bigger. there is no me there was no meaning behind my ring other than the person I loved gave it to me yeah so that's something so that's why I'm kind of like girl you have a beautiful story to tell you won yeah that is that is something that some people didn't get because the decision was kind of made for them and that does happen I feel like not everybody gets the option to choose their ring and that man listened to what you wanted and built something beautiful on it does he have a brother a cousin or a friend send him Rachel's way oh my gosh no I agree and I'm really excited for you.
Congratulations on your engagement. And this is all good because there's so many people that write into Reddit and are like, my fiance got me a ring and I hate it.
What do I do? and it's like those people feel like they can't even have conversations with someone they're

supposed to marry imagine and explain hey i just want to get something a little more me

yeah you you have a partner that fully curated a ring for you and has everything you wanted and more so let's beautiful let the comments roll off your back also what you said is so important men who are listening and in a serious relationship please consult with the best friend yeah, a sibling. Find her Pinterest board.
Or the woman yourself. Yeah, herself.
Don't go rogue. Don't go rogue.
There's so many rings out there. And like, don't go rogue.
Get what she's going to love or what they're going to love. Because it's a big thing.
And like, for a lot of people, it's the only ring they'll have yeah okay moving on to this next one this mother's day give mom more than a gift give her lasting comfort i'm tyler founder at cozy earth our bamboo sheets and ultra soft pajamas are crafted with breathable temperature regulating fabric to keep her cozy year round it's comfort that feels like home because home feels like mom with a 100 night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty you know she'll be right back. history, culture, and adventure meets on the National Mall.
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Where there's something new for everyone to discover. There's only one D.C.
Visit Washington.org to plan your trip. This is coming from Am I the Asshole? It is 14 days old, titled, Am I the Asshole for refusing to help my best friend with her wedding because she didn't make me a bridesmaid? I mean, you're a friend, right? So maybe asshole's too strong of a word, but I think if you're a friend, you're a friend at the end of the day.
You're not a friend because of what they give you or can do for you or a title or anything like that. So if my friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, first off, have you been a bridesmaid? You might want to be saying thank you.
She might be a better friend to you than you realize. There's money that has to come out of your pocket.
There are other things you have to plan. You know, you, in what capacity would be my question? Is she helping, asking you to help? We got the info.
Are you ready? There's more. Okay.
Okay. Let me shut up.
My best friend, 24 female, we'll call her May, and I, 24 female, have been close since middle school.

We talked about being in each other's weddings.

So when she got engaged last year, I assumed I would be a bridesmaid.

She recently asked me to help with the wedding planning.

But when she showed me the list for her bridal party, I wasn't on the list.

I asked why. And she got awkward and said that she had to make some choices.
The party included her sister, her fiancé's sister, and a few newer friends she's known for only a couple of years. She wanted a small party.
I didn't make it a big deal, though. I congratulated her and figured I'd still be a guest.

But then she started asking me for a lot of help. Things like dress shopping, DIY decorations,

venue hunting, making party favors, etc., etc. I finally told her, quote, Hey, I love you, but I feel weird doing all of this when I'm not even a bridesmaid.

She got angry and said she thought I'd still want to be involved because we're best friends. I told her I'd still be at the wedding, but I wasn't going to do all this extra work when she didn't even consider me close enough to be at her bridal party.
Now, she and some of our mutual friends are giving me the cold shoulder, saying I'm being petty and making the wedding about me.

But I'm not going to be doing bridesmaid-level work if I'm not one. Am I the asshole? No.
I don't think so at all. No, she's going to enlist her as a wedding planner for free? when you're a bridesmaid, some of those things like planning the bachelorette and doing DIY decorations, like that comes with the territory.
Like that's, but also even like for a bride to expect that of a bridesmaid, maybe I'm like, I think that's kind of rude too. Are you having bridesmaids? I am, but very untraditional.
Like they're not standing up there with us. I'm not them do shit like they can pick their own dress I just set a color and I'm so chill yeah like you you are I'm just like talking before I just want to get married I'm like whatever else happens at this point it is what it is I thought I wanted a fucking ferris wheel I wanted like crazy love this for you well until I found out the price of the Ferris wheel.
And I was like, I don't want a Ferris wheel. Fuck that.
The weddings are a lot, but I feel like she was definitely being taken advantage of. She is.
Yeah. I didn't have bridesmaids.
Okay. Because I could not narrow it down.
So if I can play devil's advocate for a second. Okay.
I wonder if, so it sounds like their group of friends who they all grew up with who were close, they also don't sound like they're in the wedding. It sounds like the newer friends are.
So if I play devil's advocate, maybe this bride wanted bridesmaids. She obviously is going to choose her sister and future sister-in-law.
And she probably thought, I can't narrow it down with my old school friends, so maybe I'll just pick some newer friends or coworkers just to even it out. Okay.
That could be her logic. She probably should have relayed that information.
Yeah. Doesn't sound like she did.
No. That's the only logical thing I can think of.
I mean, other than she doesn't really like you the same. But it sounds like from this, from her writing in, that there are other friends that are close that aren't in the wedding either.
Sounds like she doesn't know the newer girls. Yeah.
So if that is the case, and if those friends, I'm speculating a lot here, are helping out too, then I'm not as sensitive to it. Like I kind of might make a snarky comment.
Okay. But I would probably be like, okay, like, what do you need? You know, like I'm more than happy to help.
Maybe because again, I don't find as much joy in being a bridesmaid. So I'd be like, thank God.
Yeah. If I felt it was too much, I would say, hey, it's I'll help you with this, this, and this.
Yeah. But I don't have time for this.
I would push back a little bit. But it sounds like the writer really wanted to be a bridesmaid, and that's really the issue.
She's not wrong for that. She's not at all.
If this is something you talked about and you always dreamed of, and it was something special between the two of you, and she calls you her best friend, of course you're questioning why. But it's giving White Lotus friends.
Ooh, okay. I haven't watched yet.
Okay, I was going to say- We talked about this in Austin. We talked about it.
There is an interesting narrative with the- There's this group of women. There are three women.
Is that the political dinner? Yes. Okay, I saw the TikTok clip.
And I'm like, how relatable is that? Yes. Ooh, okay.
And there's more to it. The dynamic of the friendship group.
Okay. and certain relationships are stronger than others.
And there's certain group chats going on. And it's all under the guise of like, we're just worried.
We're just concerned. And it highlights female friendships so well that I said this earlier today that that narrative is going to be something that lives on in TV history because I don't think I've seen it outside of reality TV.
It just really brings to life women, lady friendships. Yeah.
And that's what I feel like this is giving a little bit of. Yeah.
I am so with you. The point you said too, where you're like, her calling her her best friend.
I think that's what's the most confusing part about this for me, even when confronted and like, hey, I love you, but like, I don't feel like I, you know, I'm not comfortable doing all of this because I'm not a bridesmaid. And for her to reply back then and say, oh, well, I thought you would because you're my best friend.
Yeah. That's confusing because there's clearly no misunderstanding of like, that's my best friend, but I'm not hers.
She's saying you're my best friend. Right.
But why are you not a part of the wedding? Even like in some way, like, hey, can you be my attendant or hey, can you do this? And it's so odd to me because how many people would you have asked at the time oh we were double digits there would have been over what remember i've lived so many lives oh that's true so and are we talking 20 i was no no no okay like probably like it was like around 13 14 and he didn't have he didn't have half that okay he wouldn't have had half of it okay and so for me it's like what let's not do it yeah it's just too much okay and i think like if you do have that still ask the people you want but then just don't have them up there with you and that's what kind of we're doing like his um my fiance's cousin who's like a sister to him is like gonna be in a dress like that matches my bridesmaids so she's a bridesmaid but like we're not having them stand up there so it doesn't matter if we're mismatched or uneven but i just like it's just sad and i feel sad for her yeah and i don't think not the asshole for backing out we do have a couple comments and they might provide a little bit more context so we'll see if it if it changes anything anything for us. But I'm in the boat of not the asshole.
Not an asshole. No.
And it's weird that everyone else is like now like cold shouldering her and like other people are getting involved. And it's like, why are you fighting the fight for her? Why don't you just do what I was doing? You know why? Because I was going to say before you got into the comments that to me vulnerability is key here

and it's probably coming off of like I don't want to help you and that's how it's probably being

relayed to the friend groups like this our friends getting married she's so stressed out we're

supposed to be here to help her yeah and I think if you're the approach was I I need to be vulnerable

with you this really hurts my feelings and this is why which is hard when your emotions are involved to see it that clearly, but that's what it is at the end of the day. Your feelings are hurt.
And I think if you express that, then it'll come off in a different way. For sure.
And I will say too, we've kind of hinted at it. Like it's kind of a gift sometimes to not be a bridesmaid.
Yeah. Like to be able to just relax, not wake up early to get your hair and makeup done.
Not. Yes.
Oh, my God. It's just you get to be zen.
Exactly. Have fun.
No pressure. And you can still help the bride as if you want.
Yes. You know, be as involved.
But like, it's so nice, especially if it's a destination wedding. Sorry, I just came from a destination wedding where I was not a bridesmaid and i was watching the bridesmaids like have to leave the beach early and go get their makeup done and go make sure everything and i was like see y'all this evening they were getting ready like 11 in the morning see wedding wasn't until six it was so beautiful i could enjoy a full day that they couldn't yeah i was a bridesmaid and my friend got married in Chicago.
So I was coming from LA, two hour time difference. We had a rehearsal dinner, bar crawl like that night.
So we didn't go to bed till like two or three. Oh wow.
And then she wanted us in her hotel room at like seven in the morning. And I was tired at a time change.
I didn't get my hair and makeup done until 10. So why did I have to be there three hours early for emotional support and to sip a mimosa? That's what it is.
No. It's emotional support.
Exactly. No.
I love you. It's all a part of your duties.
I love you, but let's let Morgan sleep a little bit more. And then I'll be more fun overall.
But oh, yeah. Being a bridesmaid is a job.
You just said it. It's a job.
It's a tough gig. It's a really tough gig.
So some comments here. Not the asshole.
Your gut is right here, OP. These are all of the hallmark task of a best friend and bridesmaid.
If she's asking for all of this help from you and you alone, I would argue that you should be maid of honor.

Info. Are her bridesmaids also helping with any of this?

I assumed that she was asking you alone, but for clarification, are you the only one of her friends helping with these tasks?

OP responds and goes, yeah, that's exactly how I felt.

From what I know, her bridesmaids are involved in some things.

Okay.

But she's been relying on me way more than any of them.

Thank you. I felt.
From what I know, her bridesmaids are involved in some things. Okay.
But she's been relying on me way more than any of them. It's because it's her best friend.
She doesn't know these new girls the same way. Of course she has.
She doesn't know them. They're almost props.
They're just there. They're almost there at his place filler.
You know, I'd be curious if the groomsman has like six or seven people and so she's like, well have to i can only have six or seven who can i add to fill in that's what it feels like she doesn't trust them the same way she trusts the best friend i know she's not considering the friends feelings and all of this i'm so like mind fucked i'm like yeah okay it's nice not being a bridesmaid but like still then don't ask me for shit and like you're saying i'm your best friend but like you're not including me i know like what we have a bridesmaid we do have a bridesmaid oh my gosh i'm trying to see if there's anything else any tea we need to know with this one most of her bridesmaids do live nearby so it's not like i was I was the only local option. She just seemed to expect me to be her go-to person.
Before the wedding stuff, we were pretty close. We didn't hang out constantly, but we talked regularly and made time for each other.
That's why this whole situation felt weird. She called me her best friend, but didn't include me, yet expected me to do all this extra work.
I wonder what their relationship was like prior to the wedding. Did they have a relationship where the bride always dependent, dependent on this friend to do stuff for her? So she's only just mirroring what their friendship has always been.
Always kind of been. Their titles.
Yeah.

What is the movie with Kate Hudson and-

Why did I just see a TikTok for it?

And Anne Hathaway?

Bride Wars?

Bride Wars.

I love that movie so much.

So good.

But Kate Hudson sounds like the bride and Anne Hathaway sounds like, I mean, granted,

not the same story.

They're having weddings on different days. But she was always dependent.

Actually, no.

Are you thinking of something borrowed?

Well, I was going to say that too.

But something borrowed with Kate Hudson and Jennifer.

I can't think of her last name.

Oh, my gosh.

Her last name.

But yes, she always depended on Jennifer.

Yeah.

Kate Hudson always plays the same roles, doesn't she?

Kate Hudson, man.

She likes those bridal.

A difficult friend drama.

A difficult friend. Yeah.
But she took advantage of the friendship they had for sure for different reasons but i wonder i would say you know to op if she's listening do you maybe it's a time to examine the nature of your friendship yeah 100 and the bride not to excuse you are the asshole. She's not being fair and considerate of you.
But I wonder if this has always been your dynamic. Yeah, I think you are spot on with that.
It's giving someone who's just kind of the taker in the friendship. And that only goes so far.
I know. That only goes so far.
Like, that's not sustainable. And the person who's always giving will finally have a straw that breaks the camel's back and whatever.
But like if you're out there and you're kind of questioning like, God damn, like, am I the taker? Like, I think we all should like even just on a regular basis be like, am I being a good friend? Like, am I reaching out to my friend? Am I, you know, getting drinks? And it's not always on my terms. And that's something that like I've had to consider.
Like I had a friend moved to Orange County. So now she's like two hours away with traffic and I see her when we record and it's like, I want to see her more, but like, of course I'm just so busy and she's so busy and we're so far apart.
But like, I can't always spend time with her in the context of recording. So how do I make sure like I'm still being a good friend? And I feel like this person has just really lost sight of it's a two-way street and I'm not always just gonna be a taker yeah I would hate for this friendship to end because of the wedding I think it will oh no I think it will keep us posted I think I would hate that you have all these years and and maybe it boiling to this point, right? I think so.
Gosh, I would hate for you. This is the most beautiful day of your friend and you can't fully enjoy it possibly.
Hopefully they've been in it before because of maybe something that's deeply rooted in your friendship from before. I just hate that.
I think this is done. Oh, no.
This is done. Well, hopefully, she might lose her whole friend group.
Luckily, it does sound like this is just like a childhood friend and like there's other people in her life. I'm thinking so.
But what if not the friend group to stop talking to her? She might lose everybody. Good riddance for those weirdos.
Oh, I can't wait for you to watch White Louis. Good riddance.
I can't. We do have a bit more context that there's only four bridesmaids total her sister sister-in-law two newer friends which also four is pretty small and two of them are like kind of obligatory that's a big word for but like sister like that's a shoe-in yeah sister-in-law that's like a courtesy invite for a lot of people like you got to include siblings so two like those two could be her day-to-day most recent most relevant friends placeholders yeah that's what i think they are so she's a circle of friends that she's more connected with but someone did ask, did you even get an invite to the wedding yet? And OP did.
So she at least is invited to the wedding. I didn't even know that that was an option that she might not be invited to the wedding.
Can you imagine? Yeah. Yeah.
I wouldn't be surprised. Like some people are just unhinged, bridezilla's entitled.
Then they're the asshole. Oh, 100%.
I still think the bride's

an asshole. You can't expect

someone to do all of this

work. Otherwise, like, you better

be paying her as a planner.

Sure. Sounds like she's probably always

been one.

But

moving along, I do hope we get an update

eventually for this one. I'm locked in.

How do you do this? I'm so locked in to some of these stories. I need to know.
It's like a TV show. What's happening next week? Who's going to give us updates? Yeah.
And some of this just disappears into the abyss. I don't know how you do this.
They never come back. I don't know how you do it.
I send them messages sometimes. I get really invested and attached and I send messages.
Yeah. I feel I get scared for them.
I'm like'm like if they really needed it they could send me a pin and I'd come with a u-haul get some of them out like I do get you need to start another like a subreddit called the abyss and bring back the stories of like what what's the update so I have an update episode on my radar I'm gonna call Abyss. Do it.
There we go. There we go.
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These chairs are like, they're so comfy,

but yet so uncomfortable at the same time. I'm like, I never know how to like position myself.
TheFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFelixFel leaving my boyfriend's promotion party after his speech. Throw away for obvious reasons.
I, 29 female, had been with my boyfriend, 32 male, for almost three years. He recently got a big promotion at work, and honestly, I was really proud of him.
I helped him prep for it, supported him during all the stressful weeks, picked up extra stuff at home so he could really focus anyways he threw a party to celebrate fancy rooftop thing catered food drinks a lot of co-workers and friends even some family all good at one point he got up to give a little speech and started thanking people i knew it his boss co-workers co-workers, his parents. And then he goes, quote, and of course, thanks to my girlfriend for putting up with me basically being a ghost the last few months.
You deserve a medal or something. People laugh.
I kind of smiled, but it felt off. Then he followed up with, quote, she's not climbing the corporate ladder or anything, but she keeps the house running and makes sure I don't starve.
More laughs. I just stood there feeling like I'd been slapped in front of everyone.
No mention of how I supported him emotionally, nothing about how I helped him throughout burnout or took on extra stuff to make his life easier. Just some weak joke at my expense.
I didn't say anything. I just left, quietly.
Texted him that I was going home. He didn't even notice I was gone until like two hours later.
When he got home, he was pissed. Said that I embarrassed him and that it was just a joke, said I was too sensitive and ruined his night.
Some of his friends agree with him, but mine say I had every right to feel hurt. So was I the asshole for walking out? You are not the asshole for walking out, but I would have been an asshole and said, well, I had to leave to make sure that you didn't starve and I had dinner ready for you on the table.
That's what I would have said. I love your responses.

Just like a little petty, just a little sass. I love that.
I absolutely would have said that.

Let me just tell you straight up. Your guy is not funny, but he thinks he is.

We all know. It's the worst, right? He really thought he was funny and he used and he tried to be funny at your expense.
It's hard for me to believe that's a one-off. This is who he is.
The problem is he did it in front of a bigger circle. Yeah.
You know, in front of people you don't know. I have a feeling he does this at small dinners, in front of your family and friends, but this time he did it in a bigger way.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Yeah.
For sure. You know when they say there's truth in every joke? I don't know if I'll always believe that but in this instance, I do.
I do think that he was also saying kind of what he wants you to be in his life. You're not climbing the corporate ladder.
He's okay with that because you, did he say you cook or you make sure you starve? You take care of him. You mother him you mother him basically he's one of those he's one of those who wants a mother oh my gosh rather than a woman yeah that's what he wants which is sadly becoming a growing epidemic it really really is I shouldn't say growing epidemic just an epidemic it really is becoming one it's here it's amongst us I know I'm back out back out here.
There's some blurry lines on these Reddit stories with moms. Yeah.
Oh, that's a whole nother thing. Yeah.
But I'm sure this isn't the first time. And I think that maybe she's having some harsh, you know, sometimes this was like the writing on the wall she couldn't run away from.
She couldn't help but see because it was so public. Yeah.
And him laughing it was everybody laughing at her it's like a scene out of a movie it really is where she's just kind of zones out and everybody's turning and laughing and pointing at her which is not really what happened but that's how it felt feels yeah and it's like he's thanking her but also in a way that feels so condescending so like, remember your place. I'm the breadwinner.
Thanks for keeping food on the table. Like it's very, there's a word that I'm like, I'm really, it's backhanded, but it's like patronizing.
Yeah. Oh, no.
Yeah, totally. It's just like so pointed.
Yeah. And it's like all you had to do was say thank you.
Yeah. You didn't need all this extra stuff.
And like, well, she's not climbing the corporate ladder. Well, why does that matter? Yeah.
And is that disappointing to you? Because the way you're implying, you kind of are insinuating that I'm lacking in some way. I'm just keeping food on the table.
This is someone that doesn't view you as an equal. For sure.
And there's no mention of kids. There's no mention of, you know, OP working.
But like maybe she's not climbing the corporate ladder, but maybe she sells a job and maybe not. Maybe she is staying at home and is a homemaker.
And I would say like if he's giving these red flags now, I think it's only going to be worse when or if you have a kid.

This is someone who doesn't look at stay-at-home moms as like a job.

When like being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job.

You never are off the clock.

You're a cook, maid, nanny, like all these roles built into one.

And this is someone that's not going to – he doesn't respect you now now and he sure wouldn't respect you if that is a role you took on. Yeah.
Yeah. So well said, like maybe she can't climb the corporate ladder because you keep pulling her off of it to get in the kitchen.
I, I think, I also think, and again, I'm not faulting her by any means. He is totally the asshole, but I wonder how much of this have you relayed to him you said you talked to your friends you're obviously talking to reddit but what have you told him and i'm not saying this would change him i'm not saying he'll be better it doesn't sound like it but he may and i'm wondering if you've conveyed how you feel or how that made you feel or maybe he's continued this pattern or maybe even what it is you're looking for out of a partner do you watch bravo a little okay not much i think this is all fresh on my mind because i was podcasting earlier but the page and craig breakup between summer house and southern charm is a big deal a lot of people are talking about it and we thought it was starting off, it was going to be so amicable, so much respect, and it has turned into a disaster and they seem to be at each other's throats and everybody else is offering their opinions, including myself.
But one of the things I'm noticing as we're watching it, we know in real time they broke up, but we're watching kind of the breakup. On the season.
The problems. Okay.
And one of the things I watch Paige constantly do is tell her girlfriends how Craig makes her feel or what the problem is. One point he's in the house and she's whispering, but she doesn't relate to him.
And I don't think he would change. He is who he is, but he's not even privy to how you're feeling, at least for what we're watching.
Yeah. And I think we do that.
We do. That's a really good point.
We'll run to our girls. We'll run to our moms or somebody else we trust.
And we try to kind of get advice or feel things out or maybe work it out through them and then never say anything so we can go back and just like not ruffle any feathers. Because as women, we protect, we fix.
I'm not saying it's submissive, but you know, like we play our part a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah.
And it's like, what is that word? It's like, I think there is something ingrained in us where we do try to fix people a little more like as women versus a traditional guy. Like we give a lot more grace.
And it is interesting because I've, I've said a lot of times on this show, like people aren't psychic. You can't expect someone to know you're upset or how you're feeling unless you communicate, unless you talk about it.
And I think women do go to their friends. We do vent.
We have those close, close female relationships. So a lot of times we're telling our friends, but we're not necessarily going back to our partner and then being like, hey, you know what? I didn't like this.
And so I think a lot of times that's why you'll see guys who kind of get shocked by a breakup.

Whereas the woman, it's like, no, this was a long time coming.

I've been emotionally checking out for so long.

And they're already done with the relationship

by the time the breakup actually comes.

But the guy's like, what?

What did I do?

Like, so I think a lot of that is, as you said,

it's like they're not talking.

They're going to their friends instead.

And it would be interesting if that's happening here.

Is there follow-up?

We only have one comment from OP.

Ugh.

One comment.

And it's someone that said,

no, in fact, you were amazing in being able to smile through his dismissive speech. Dismissive.
That's the word. Yeah.
I guess he thinks you're like the pit crew as he is the dazzling race car driver. I'm not sure what you could do to get him to recognize your contribution, not the asshole.
And the only comment we have is this. Yeah, it was honestly really hard to keep it together in that moment.
I didn't want to say anything and ruin the night, but it hurt way more than he realizes. Thanks for understanding.
Because I don't think they're coming. Again, I'm not faulting her.
No, it's hard. It's really hard to just like, hey, I didn't like that.
My feelings were hurt because like you don't want to seem silly silly you don't want to seem like you're childish for getting your feelings hurt over something so small or I don't know goofy yeah but like you can communicate that you can and then their response is also very it's very telling it's very telling it's everything I um I do a lot of therapy. And my therapist, I feel like I grew up kind of like, don't cry.
It's a sign of weakness. Be strong.
And so I was very much just like would brush my feelings under the rug until I started therapy 10 years ago. And I realized I had a lot of work to do.
But even most recently, my therapist was talking about weakness and vulnerability. And like, you know, when you are open with someone and you share how you feel, it's not a sign of weakness.
There's more power in being vulnerable because then their response to you will tell you everything that you need to know. Yeah.
And it might not be what you want to hear. And sometimes we aren't because we're afraid of back to one of the other OPs where we were saying like, you know, the answer, you know, what you should do.
Sometimes we don't want to hear that. But being vulnerable with someone really is powerful.
And it's still something that I work on. And that's what I would encourage, you know you know this OP because I fear that this guy is only gonna recognize her worth when she leaves or if she left uh-huh I completely agree yeah I'd be curious to know how long they've been together I know I want so many more details I want way more tea also stop doing so much for him okay you were doing she's doing way too much.
She was going down the laundry list of all the things she helped. I mean, did he get the promotion or did you get the promotion? It's hard to decipher.
Yeah, I definitely think it's, he's too comfortable. He doesn't value her.
And it's just one of those things where it'll be interesting to see how it plays out but I mean definitely worth a shot telling him how you feel and yeah hopefully shifting his mindset hopefully getting an apology when she's not emotional like right take a beat yeah it's hard tell him it's so hard it's so hard oh my gosh and it's like it's so easy to snap especially when you're overwhelmed or feeling bad like I I'm like feeling really guilty about it now because I'm like we rented like a digger from Home Depot this weekend and we're doing like dirt work at our house and I'm trying to like back up like our like truck in this trailer and I'm like it's not working I'm turning the wheel it's not going the direction and like my fiance's like it's not working I'm like you're not helping me and I felt so bad in the moment but he said something years ago when I was like oh I just like I don't like fighting with you and it was something he said that really shifted my brain and it's like it's okay to fight like it's actually probably good to fight because if you never fight you're not growing you're not realizing how to communicate with each other when you have problems like fighting isn't necessarily bad yeah and so hopefully this is how you fight it's exactly don't fight mean like be understanding try to see the other person's side wait two things yeah is he an earth sign my boyfriend fiance god i still do that um he is august 20th so he's a leo but he's not he's a leo virgo he's cuss he's well and he was born early so he's not really he doesn't really give leo he's virgo i said i called it earth sign okay there's something solid and steady about what you just said love that for you second thing you really are doing yourself you rented a digger i would i would be call googling somebody to come. I love that.
I wish I had more of that in me. Well, I do have regrets.
Like DIY on the dirt, sure. But then we're putting in a fence and you got to dig down like two feet and like level the fence so your fence posts aren't up and down.
I've done a fence before. We're hitting roots.
We're like getting stuck in all of these like things.'m like I did not call before I dug so now I'm like nervous I'm gonna hit a thing but yeah Texas you've put up a fence I my dad grew up on a farm in South Texas and so when back in the summers we'd spend our summers in South Texas and I was the one I have two sisters I was the sister that wanted to like help out so I I would help them build fences and stuff like that. Dude, I'm over it.
Well, I am too now. I'm over it.
We got an auger. I was like, oh, we're going to get our own auger.
And nope. I'm like, I should have hired this out.
What was I thinking? I'm like, two days of work. I respect it.
Thank you. I'm impressed.
I really am impressed. Thank you.
I've only got five fence posts in after two days, so I'm feeling like I don't have a lot to show for all my hard work. But it'll come together and my horses will thank me eventually.
But, yeah, I'm going to need an update on this one, OP, if you're out there. I want to see how it does.
Please, follow it. Also, is it normal to throw a party for yourself after promotion? Did he throw it or did they throw it for him? He threw it.
I don't know. It depends.
I mean, everyone should celebrate their success. Yeah.
I mean, usually people throw it for you, but if it's something he's been working towards, if it's a huge promotion, I mean, it does fall in line with this guy's mentality, like who he seems to be. Yeah.
But I'm not mad at it. Okay.
I'm also always looking for a reason to party. So, sure, let's celebrate this.
You're down. Let's go.
Okay, moving along. Okay.
As we know, your dog mom. Yes.
Would you ever eat out of your dog's bowl? Eat what? Food. Like

their food or my food? Your food out of their bowl. Would you ever share a dish? Is it clean? It could have been in the dishwasher.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Well it's clean. Why not? Okay.
This next one's gonna be good for them. This is coming from Am I the Asshole.
It is five days old titled, Am I the Asshole? Wife Put My Food in the Dog Bowl. I get home from work and my wife has made dinner.
We usually split this responsibility, though I enjoy making food. She told me in advance that it was stew.
I get home after telling her I was happy that she had handled the food as I arrive usually around 4.50 to 5 p.m. She tells me that the stew she made tasted okay and shows me my portion.
It was in our dog's bowl. I didn't even notice at first, but when I did, I asked, is that the dog's bowl? She said yes and that it had been in the dishwasher.
I was taken aback and stood in the kitchen for a bit. She then offered her own bowl of stew to eat, but she had already eaten from it.
I feel as though it wouldn't have been hard to quickly wash a bowl that we had as opposed to giving me the one that our dog eats from. He eats his own feces and is a dog.
She was upset when I told her I wasn't going to eat it. She locked herself in the bedroom for hours after as well, as if I was the monster for saying I didn't want to eat out of the dog's bowl.
After she came out and argued that the dishwasher cleans things at 160 degrees Fahrenheit and it would be okay. I not only disagree with that rationale, but have been germ averse since I was young.
And she knows that. Who wants to come home to food in their dog's bowl anyways? We have so many others that we only use once.
I was so confused. And then more so when she acted like I was the bad guy.
I'm only making this post because she said that opinions would likely be split if I did. Who would think that was okay? How am I the asshole for not wanting to eat from a dog's bowl? Okay.
He's not the asshole. Not the asshole.
She's fucking with you. It's hard to not ignore this or to ignore the symbolism here.
It's like being in the doghouse. Something was done, right? Something was done the night, the day, the week before.
I don't know. I'm not saying that you were right or wrong, but something was done.
Your wife was pissed off about it. And she said, okay, I'm going to put you in the doghouse.
house i'm gonna make you eat out the dog bowl that's how i see it something she's upset about she did this purposely you already he already said there are other bowls but she's making you eat out of the dog bowl she's telling you you're a dog for something that you did ah my first thought was like oh my gosh she hates you i'm. And I'm like, no, she's fucking with you.
You did something where she deems you a dog. What do you think about the fact that she went and locked herself in a room for a couple hours? I feel like she's like, you don't get it.
Like she's mad about something else. This is one of those, the issue isn't the issue.
That's how I'm interpreting'm interpreting it so she's kind of like bad not because he won't eat out of it because you don't get that i'm making you eat out the dog bowl for a reason something you did that's how i that's the only logical thing i can think of because why else would she do that if there are other bowls she's trying to make a point it's clearly a point i thought like initially i'm like is this a prank like is she Like what what's going on here? Because it is so weird. And it's like, oh, well, it came out of the dishwasher.
Did you run the load with only the dog bowl in it? Like, are there not other bowls in there? Like, why are you giving me this bowl? Like, what about a mixing bowl? What about any other thing that could hold this stew? Why am I getting the dog's bowl? And I think you're hitting it on the head. It's pointed.
There's some hidden message here about why you're eating out of the dog bowl. Now, what would be rich is if he was eating out of the dog bowl and the dog was eating out of the human bowl.
I mean, it's like you're not even worthy. Uh-huh.
But, you know, I use my dog's name, Copper is. You know? Yeah, she's clearly, and he doesn't get it.
And I'm not saying she's right. We just mentioned earlier, it's okay to fight.
It's about how you fight. This isn't the way.
No. This isn't productive.
It brings up other things. He's focusing as here.
He's focusing on the what rather than the why. And the why is something deeper, which she's not communicating with him or being vulnerable enough to let him know what the issue is.
She's more so. And she's shaming you even more.
Now you've gone to Reddit and you've put it out there that she tried to feed you out of a dog bowl. Like that is inhumane in some ways.
I would have a problem with it. Like I don't know why.
And I think it's just like obviously a mental thing. But I wouldn't want to eat out of a dog bowl.
I wouldn't want to. But if there was nothing else left, and I had to.
Like, yeah, I guess. I wouldn't want to.
To be clear, because I know what I said earlier. To be clear, I would not want to.
No, I wouldn't either. I'm like, there's little scratches in there.
And like, what if there's some bacteria still left in the scratch? There probably is. I'm like, even a cutting board.
Sometimes cutting boards are like the grossest thing in your kitchen. Yeah, that's true.
I just, that's true. I got food poisoning and ever since then I'm real scared of everything in the kitchen.
Was it from the cutting board? I think it was from an unwashed carrot. Yeah.
I didn't even know you could get it from carrots. Yeah.
I thought, I bought this like fancy bag of like heirloom mixed colored carrots and it was in like a bag and they were, I don't know, I thought they were washed. Like they looked so good.
I thought they were washed. Yeah.
So me and my fiance, we ate this same exact thing. That's the only thing I ate that was different.
One unwashed carrot. I know.
It's scary out here. It is.
Do you grow your own food? No. That's next for you.
Okay, I am going to do

a raised garden bed. I'm actually shocked you don't.
You are very, you are queen do-it-yourself and again, I wish I need more of that. That's why I'm like.
You come over. We'll let you take care of the ponies a little.
Have some wine. It'll be good.
Teach me a thing or two. Where do you think the opinions on this one are going to fall? The woman's the asshole.
We have a lot. A lot of you're the assholes.
The woman? Him. How? So someone goes, dude, I just realized she wasn't mad because you didn't want to eat out of the dog's human bowl.
She was mad because you were refusing the meal she made entirely. You refused one dish because you refused to accept that it was properly sanitized.
And then you refused the other, her dish, because you won't swap germs with your wife. You're the asshole.
Okay. Guys, it was stew.
I just want to start there. Yeah.
It was stew. Like, I'm not a stew eater it's but the guy's acting like she made i don't know like a t-bone steak with all like it was this like five course meal or something like that it's stew it's stew she's not he's not an asshole that's not what makes him an asshole or i would say i don that one.
Top comment, though, which maybe is the voice of reason. No assholes here.
Controversial take, apparently. But the fact she offered to switch shows she wasn't sending you a message or intentionally treating you disgustingly.
She just didn't get it. Now she knows.
Do I find it odd that she served your food in the dog bowl? Yes. Do I find it odd you didn't switch when she offered? Yes.
Will I call either of you an asshole for it? Nope. Just talk it through and move on.
I think that she offered to switch because she knew he wouldn't. Oh, my jaw just dropped, you guys.
So I'm looking at here opie opie's wife comments on the post that a girl what is that a girl that's the energy i like what does she say oh my gosh opie's wife here to clarify something hotly debated in the comments this is a human bowl Hastily bought because when we moved, I realized we'd left our pet dishes.

Last weekend, we were able to bring over a lot more of our stuff, including the original dog bowl, the classic shiny silver kind. And I thought, great, now we have two extra human bowls.
I feel like a lot of our dishes are still missing after the move, so I was happy to have these. The dog ate and drank out of it for maybe two weeks, which I get is gross.
I washed them both by hand before putting them in the dishwasher. In my mind, this made them clean.
After making the stew, we had one clean bowl in the cabinet and one that had just finished in the dishwasher, the dog bowl. I gave my husband the dog bowl because, after dishing out the stew, that bowl had received the largest portion, and he expressed that he was hungry.
After he questioned me about the dog bowl, I realized that, yes, he may object to eating out of it, so I offered him the bowl that was in the cabinet. I had eaten one bite.
I know he struggles with eating after people, but he has regularly drank or eaten after me, so I thought it would be fine. On our first date seven years ago, he offered me a sip of his beer because it was unique.
Before the move, we lived near a craft brewery and would often swap sips of different beers there. For these reasons, I thought he was okay with eating and drinking after me.
She is doing, like, there's still more, but, like, the thoughtfulness here. I don't believe her.
You don't believe her? Don't believe her at all. Oh, now I'm like, he's being dramatic.
I think she's manipulative. Oh, see, when I first read this, I'm like, oh, that silver, that classic stainless steel silver silver dog bowl.
Like, I wouldn't want to eat out of that, but like. It was a human bowl.
It was a human bowl. It takes the type of person to read all the comments and then decide that she's going to respond.
Okay, let's see what else. Oh, my gosh.
She's manipulative. We work roughly the same amount of hours, but I get off work about two hours earlier than him and had spent those two hours making the stew so it was ready the moment he got home.
I was hurt he refused to eat it, even after I offered to eat from the dog bowl. I didn't feel like he approached the conversation very kindly and felt like my efforts were ignored.
To address one commenter, no, this is not a fetish thing,

lol. I genuinely felt like the bowl was clean and was not trying to insult my husband.

Unrelated, but I'm flabbergasted by my husband's claim in the comments that he does dishes 65% of the time. 65 is a really specific number.
I definitely didn't catch that percentage.

He, it was in a comment throughout the post to someone, but OP has since deleted his account. So I can't go look and see if there's any comments from OP because OP felt a little embarrassed, I think, after wifey came in.
Of course. Let me tell you who's running things over there.
The wife. She is manipulative.
Again, it is a character trait for the actions that she took and to make sure that she wasn't looked at in the bad light. Okay.
You can't convince me that it's hard. I know it was a human bowl.
Yeah. The dog has been eating out of this bowl for two weeks and you clearly associate that bull with that dog yeah she knew it is hard

for me to fathom that she didn't consider let's just say her work what she's saying is true that she didn't think huh he might feel a certain way about eating out that bull it just escaped your mind yeah i think it was purposeful for whatever her reason may be it's so interesting maybe because she says as she pointed out i can't believe he said he does dishes 65 of the time she clearly doesn't think he does dishes that much so maybe maybe there's some resentment in other areas i think she was trying to get back at him in certain ways now he put all this information out here made her look bad or tried to make her look bad i mean this is the am I the asshole subreddit. Yeah.
Someone's got to look bad. Yeah.
Most times. And so she's pissed.
So I just think that she knew what she was doing. Yeah.
She did post a link for the bowl. See, she's doing too much.
It's like one of those bowls that you would get in college, like just a plastic bowl. It literally cost 50 cents.

And... too much it's a like one of those bowls that you would get in college like just a plastic bowl it literally cost it looks like a 50 cents and it being plastic i'm back on the boat on like the boat of like it's gross even though it is a human bowl because it's like a plastic cutting board like you cut and you create these scratches and these knife marks and whatever and bacteria can live in there like yeah this is a dog dog's mouths are really dirty that's why like if you get a dog bite the risk of infection like it is so great yeah it happens every you pretty much always yeah and i don't know why people say like there's that thing where it's like dog's mouths are cleaner than ours like there's some bacteria in there, guys.
Those are people who aren't around a lot of humans. I don't know.
They aren't around people. Or they're trying to justify making out with their dog.
100%. It grosses me out when people let their dogs just lick them in the mouth.
So I'm back on, it is gross. I wouldn't want to eat out of that bowl.
But then again, I'm like, but she did offer to switch. So maybe she's being a little manipulative.
Maybe she's gaslighting. But I feel like he should have taken her bowl.
Like if you're worried about like stew and backwash into the stew, why are you sharing beers? But like you're married. Y'all don't make out.
You don't use tongue. That's the thing.
You don't get freaky in the bedroom. What? Stop acting like you guys aren't intimate with one another.
Yeah. So I find it hard to believe you are grossed out from eating after her.
One bite. You could have used another fork.
Yeah. Or spoon or whatever.
However you eat stew. Or drinking.
Like what? This is your wife. You know.
There's something. Something fishy is going on here.
There's something here weird i don't want to say weird because i like weird there's something strange going on with this couple i'm well now they're fighting in the comments and it's like he doesn't do the dishes 65 of the time it's like take a step back they're bored they gotta be something but people are really upset for her. People are like now coming to her defense.
There are so many comments under under her response. People are like, you seem like a nice person.
And there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'll leave it at that.
And guess what? That is exactly what she wanted. She wanted to be she wanted people to praise her to uplift her.
It sounds like the comments weren't going that way, which is why she stepped in. you might have a good read on this i'm i'm very torn but we did have a story years ago now and it was this mom writing in being like am i the asshole for getting my kids nintendos and she wrote this sob story about how she got these kids nintendos and they didn't care and she called them spoiled brats and stormed out and left crying meanwhile her daughter found the post wrote in and the daughter was like she left us when we were little she's super manipulative she's a liar narcissist like all this like truth and it was like so she wrote the story making herself look like the victim when so maybe maybe this is that maybe this is her she's back full circle moment she's back this is gonna be one we're gonna have to put to the people all right i need i'm i'm in the boat of not the asshole for not wanting to eat out of the dog bowl that he's not the asshole he's not the asshole no i agree he's not the asshole i don't know where i fall on her though she is she is so i don't know how am i gonna, you guys? Like, do you think she's doing it intentionally?

I guess, do you believe her comment?

Yeah, do you believe her?

Do you believe her comment?

Or like, did he kind of come with more truth in this?

It's interesting.

It's an odd couple.

You want to talk about odd?

We're going to talk about odd.

This next one.

Okay, I'm ready for this.

I'm ready.

This next one is odd.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll see This next one. Okay, I'm ready for this.
I'm ready. This next one is odd.

Okay.

Oh my gosh.

I don't know what is wrong with people.

I think a lot of people lately have like bonked their heads.

I think we'll never be the same after 2020.

So maybe that's it.

We'll never be the same. Uh-huh.

And this is one that's feeling like we will never be the same. So this is coming from Am I the Asshole? Okay.
It's two days old, titled Fresh. Very fresh.
I had to make sure I give you the good stuff. Titled, Am I the Asshole for refusing to let my neighbor use my vintage bathtub for his therapy session? I need so much background on this.
I, 28 female, live in an old Victorian house that I inherited from my grandfather. One of the features of the house is the original clawfoot bathtub from the 1920s.
Beautiful. In the upstairs bathroom.
I was originally going to look at having it removed, but kept putting it

off, and eventually I fell in love with it, so I kept it. Enter my next-door neighbor, Dennis,

about 50 male. Dennis is dot dot dot eccentric.
He's into all these weird health trends,

like grounding his feet in buckets of dirt for electrical balance. Lately, he's gotten into

hydrotherapy, which apparently requires him to soak in cold water for extended periods to reset his nervous system. Two weeks ago, Dennis came over and, completely out of the blue, asked if he could use my bathtub for his hydrotherapy sessions.
I thought he was joking, but no. He earnestly explained that my bathtub was, quote, the perfect energy conduit because it was pre-industrial revolution and untainted by modern manufacturing processes.
Question mark, question mark, question mark. I told him no, obviously.
I don't want a rando wrinkly old dude filling it with ice water and doing whatever nonsense he's into. Dennis did not take this well.
He said I was being selfish with community resources and that because I inherited the house rather than buying it, I had a duty to share since I didn't work for it. He started bringing it up every time he saw me, passive-aggressively, saying things like, must be nice to hoard that all to yourself.
Then somehow this got out to the neighborhood Facebook group who loves drama. And now half the street thinks I'm the villain for gatekeeping my own bathtub.
The cherry on top is Dennis conveniently claims that his shower stopped working too, so he doesn't have a place to even clean himself. Not like this was a favorite pastime of his to begin with, respectfully.
I was trying to just avoid Dennis as much as I could and ignore the few comments from my neighbors until I ran into one of my neighbors while I was going for a walk Saturday evening. I don't really know her, but we chatted briefly and somehow the issue came up.
I was expecting some sympathy for the absurdity of this all, but this woman proceeds to tear into me, like literal verbal assault, and by the end of it, asking me why I was being so stupid and selfish, that I have multiple bathrooms in the house and couldn't even spare it to help this old man's health. This morning, I found a literal gift-wrapped bar of soap in my mailbox.
There was no note or anything, but I assume this was her and an insanely passive-aggressive petty way of telling me to shove it. I do not want this man soaking in my tub.
I do not care about his nervous system reset. But now, I feel like I'm losing my mind because everyone around me is acting like I'm some sort of selfish monster.
I get that some of the people in my neighborhood aren't keen on me living here but I live by myself and work and go to school all day and I'm genuinely starting to worry that I'm gonna come home someday to find Dennis reclining in my tub. Am I the asshole? no you are absolutely not that I don't know where she lives the twilight zone I've never heard of anything like this Dennis the menace okay Dennis Dennis the menace he's a freak he's a freak yeah and I think he wants he gets he wants to get off and I'm sorry there's just no other way of putting it, by being in that tub.
No, whoever diagnosed him with whatever or whatever therapy was told that he should have to heal him or maybe it's self-diagnosed, I'm not sure. The fact that that kind of tub is the only tub that can heal him is insane.
The man wants to be naked in your house

because he's going to get off on it.

He is a freak.

And the fact that-

Why does no one else see that?

That it's beyond,

and does no one else have a bathtub?

Offer him your bathtub.

Exactly.

Like if he needs,

if this man is so desperately needs it,

use someone else in the neighborhoods,

get a hotel, get a tub.

How about you renovate your own house and get a tub?

I would suggest that OP gets a security system, ring cameras, locks, ASAP. A gun.
ASAP because he doesn't sound stable and he sounds fixated and obsessed on getting in your tub. And it's just like, I'm hearing harassment.
I feel like a restraining order is about to be in place. There's just a lot of things that are wrong here, honestly, that don't make a lot of sense to me either.
But for the sake of what you're writing, I'll believe you. But just this this is as you said you preface this it's odd it's odd odd like first off also why does Dennis know you have this tub like I get how close were you and Dennis to say hey by the way I have this beautiful Victoria I mean maybe she was like I'm thinking of getting rid of Maybe he maybe are you interested in it? I don't know.
But I know all my neighbors, but my neighbors don't know that I have, you know, if I would have if I have a Victorian tub, they would not know. They wouldn't know.
I wonder if maybe he was friends with the uncle, like maybe and maybe knew that way. But no, not the asshole.
The fact that the neighborhood is getting involved the fact that dennis posted this on the facebook page like my neighborhood has a facebook page too and there's a lot of drama on there but to post such a weird personal problem you have with someone on a group neighborhood facebook page he does sound unhinged yes He sounds like he's seriously bored, if not deeply troubled. And no, I would not want someone coming in my home, learning the ins and outs, getting naked.
I'm like, what's he going to do in there? I could see it being a fetish. There's been weirder things.
I'm just perplexed by this. And honestly, I was like, okay, let me, let me see.
Let me see what I have on Facebook Marketplace. This is like the only reason I have Facebook these days is like to see Marketplace.
Dennis could go on Facebook and get a clawfoot tub for as little as free. Why doesn't he put it in his backyard? Oh, that's a great point.
There you go. Like these are are free people are giving these things away because they're heavy and they want them removed from their home and i know like people are going to be like okay well dennis shouldn't have to buy something whatever i don't care what dennis has to do he can go to a gym he can go to a health spa that has cold plunges and saunas saunas he can do anything, but he's not entitled to this person's bathtub.
No, not in her private space, not in her area, not in her sanctuary, which is what a home is to so many of us. So, yeah.
She needs to go file a police report. I would— Harassment, at least.
Everything that she's describing sounds not normal. and I would at least go on record because like if you've ever been stalked or anything like that, if you at least go make a police report, it's easier to get them to respond.
If you already have something like this on record. That paper trail.
It's it's equally odd as it is serious to me because it doesn't unhinge to use your word. That's a little scary to me.
The obsessive nature he has over getting in this tub you know you know what you just found a free tub you should op should just find out where it is and as a gift get him the tub give him the free tub literally yeah literally but in the backyard i agree i would be scared i think as you said like immediately. The fact you had someone put something in your mailbox and you don't know who it was is scary because then I would start to be like, what else are they going to do to like torment me and try to make me let Dennis in my tub? Like, yeah, it's a hand wrapped bar of soap, but they still snuck over there, put it in your mailbox.
They're trying to send you a message. Yeah.
What's next? Yeah. And this is an older man and a young woman.
You just, like, you would think that the neighborhood would want to look out for her or just, it's, again, this is like a scene. This is the beginning of a scary movie.
This is a script for some horror film. It is really scary house the victorian tub i don't remember what it was actually called but like dennis and the victorian tub sounds like a nancy drew case but like this is there's something there it's just so yeah especially with his comments he's like you inherited it it's a community resource community i mean unless something was going down before she moved in, and it was a community tub at the time.
Maybe it was a swinger house. Yes.
A bathhouse. You never know.
Maybe there's some history. Dennis clearly has some sort of connection with this tub.
And we don't know what it is. There might be a whole history.
Maybe he was born

in that tub. Yeah.
We have no idea.

Water birth went down. He's trying to get back to his

roots.

Well, guess what? We have an update.

No. Can we find out a little more?

Does this happen? Wait, which one?

On the tub. We got an update.
Oh, I thought

it was like a live update. Wait, did it just happen?

It was posted a day ago.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay. We gotta bring you back more.
This is good energy. Update.
I want to say thank you all for your support. I was overwhelmed with a thousand Reddit notifications this morning and literally cried from relief scrolling through all of your comments before I got out of bed.
Which I will just say top comment on it. We all know, like, not the asshole.
Yeah. The top comment on the post is it's a common thing to say for these subs, but you got to go right ahead and thank everyone for judging you for their unspoken offer to let dirty ass Dennis use their bathroom for his needs.
Obviously, they care so greatly about this. They're fine with letting him do whatever he likes in their homes not the asshole community resource laughing my ass off some people have an overwhelming amount of audacity that part yeah okay now back to the update actually some helpful details to clarify the neighborhood situation it's a very small older community that is fairly isolated from the surrounding area.
Everyone has all lived here forever, and everyone is very toxic and set in their ways. They are very politically hostile to outsiders, and though I am not a strong politics person, it became very clear when I moved in that I was not one of them.
This, combined with the jealousy of my inheriting the house at a relatively young age, has painted me as an outsider in their minds. This is the first actual issue I've had.
But there have been mild microaggressions towards me in the past. Nothing serious, just a little to irk me that I have largely ignored.
To the people saying I use M dashes too much, deal with it. Also comments about the age of the tub sound accurate.
I'm not a history buff, but that makes sense. And to the people who was offended by me calling Dennis old, I'm sorry.
He's probably late 50s, and while that is not super old, it is old enough compared to me to make me feel weird about inviting him into my home as practically a stranger. Yeah.
As for moving forward, I don't have the mental and physical capacity to care for a dog in my life right now, especially a big one, and I don't feel comfortable inviting a housemate into my home to live with me. That said, the cameras really seem like a great idea that I should have considered when I moved in.
I just didn't see the need for them before. I don't have loads of money to spend on a full security system, but will at least be purchasing a camera for my front door.
I am worried about confronting Dennis or escalating things in the Facebook group because I do not want things to get worse or encourage someone to do something stupid. For the time being, I will be actively avoiding him and my neighbors and seeing if anything else happens.
I haven't dealt with the police in my town, but have heard that they are not super helpful, so I hesitate to bring this to their attention. I feel like telling them that someone asked to use my bathtub and someone else gave me a bar of soap is not going to be grounds for them to take me seriously.
Something that has really worried me in the comments on the original post about Dennis's possible predatory behavior. While it was clear that he has been gently harassing me about it, I never even considered the fact that being naked in my home or sharing the intimacy of my bathtub may be some sort of weird fetish or kink.
Yep. Freak.
This may be overreacting, but now that I think about it, all the signs check out. The constant pressure and like, seriously, why wouldn't he just buy his own bathtub? I feel naive and a major ick and I'm genuinely scared about what he might do if he actually has ill intentions.
Any further input is welcome. Go to the cops.
Like after hearing all that, the last part of what she said, go make a police report. I don't care what the reputation is about the police.
At least go do it. Put it on record.
Make a diary, a log of what is happening day by day. When you have a little bit of money, invest in a security system, whether it's Ring.
You can put up some of those cameras by yourself. There's another good one too.
I can think of it we do the ad on our podcast i just got a cove system it's a cove okay it's not cove simply safe simply safe simply safe because you can do in inside or outside yeah i would do all those things but i would make a log for sure yeah and then i would look at airbnb options now she might be in an hoa and they might not be able to, but like I would look at options as to renting out and see if you can find someplace else cheaper because clearly the neighborhood's trying to push you out. Yeah.
And it's like, should you be forced to leave your home? No. But like, honestly, you said you're kind of tight for money that even buying cameras is like not that feasible.
What if you have such a nice big house that you could rent it out for thousands of dollars every weekend and then get yourself something, you know, until maybe the neighborhood changes over a little bit because it will. And that's an amazing asset to have, but you can't force Dennis to leave.
Like you can't force anyone else in this neighborhood to like you so definitely something to consider I um I just got a cove system and I really like this system I think I paid like 180 and it came with like a panel window sensors door sensors nice and then I bought cameras from Eufy because they're solar powered so they never go out oh that's good no lines to Like, I'm obsessed so if anyone wants to chat home security i am hooked up well yeah don't even come to my house let them know i cannot believe that's happened to you three times everybody should have a security system i'm so paranoid i'm so paranoid yeah dogs police will tell you dogs are the best thing i have have an alarm system. Cameras as well.
But yeah.

And it's strapped up.

But that is wild.

I also say, just a side note, the diary, logging it is necessary for the script.

For the script.

The future horror movie that you're going to write.

Not because you'll live it in real life, just because we're going on it build that case baby build that case okay one last one for you today okay you know a thing or two about accepting roses and handing out roses i do so ending on this one coming from a it a h two days old titled am i the asshole the Asshole for Not Accepting a Dozen Roses from My Husband After My Surgery? I had to have a lumpectomy on one of my breasts due to cancer. My husband took me to the hospital for the procedure and left to go run errands.
I had never had this procedure done before, and finding out I had cancer was a scary thing. He said he would be

right back while they were prepping me for surgery. Once I was ready and waiting to go into surgery, the nurse asked if I wanted my husband to come sit with me until it was time to go in.
I said yes, but she came back and said that she couldn't find him. I sat in the room by myself for an hour, and he still didn't show.
I went into surgery without any reassurance from him, no kiss on the cheek, with an I love you, or everything will be okay. It was such a lonely feeling, and I was wishing that I had brought my mom with me instead.
The procedure was done within an hour, and I was in the recovery room. Once my anesthesia wore off, I was awake and realized my husband still had not returned.
At this point, I was really getting worried. The nurse said he wasn't answering his phone, and she seemed irritated that he wasn't there.
The nurse went on to give me post-surgery directions, which I was only half listening to because I was still kind of out of it, plus with my increasing worry of where the hell my husband was. The nurse comes in after half an hour and says, sweetie, we are still trying to call him, but if he doesn't get here soon, you won't be able to leave.
There's a big storm coming in and this wing will be on lockdown until the storm passes. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
I just wanted to go home. Ten more minutes go by, and he waltzes in with a dozen roses, like he was the most thoughtful husband ever.
When I asked him where he was, he told me he was at the bar because he was hungry for one of those delicious burgers. I told him that I had been waiting alone throughout this whole ordeal and that he should have been there for me.
He said he was sorry and held out the roses. I told him he could take the roses and shove it, and that I was never having him come with me during a medical procedure ever again because he sucked.
I was getting part of my breasts removed while he had a tasty burger and a beer. What the hell? Tears streamed down my face the entire ride home.
Was I the asshole for not accepting the roses? No, you shouldn't have accepted the roses. I wouldn't have accepted his ride home.
I would have Ubered. I would have locked the doors.
I would have been like, you go back to that bar or wherever you were, because I don't even know if I believe that. First off, I hope you're doing okay, if you're listening.
Second, I can't even imagine what it is to be diagnosed and then to also, you know, like you feel very vulnerable. vulnerable you feel very scared very alone already as you're going through this journey but to know you at least have a partner you're like okay well at least I have a supportive partner yeah and the fact that this man acted as if he took his wife to the dentist you know and just went to go allegedly catch a game or whatever he was doing at the bar to get a beer and a drink, obviously.
I just, I'm so outraged for her. I'm mind blown at the audacity.
The audacity, that's the word again. The audacity that you would be, I just, you should be, first off, you should your partner in life i am going through something major you have no idea what could happen when i i mean this might be the last time you see me um the surgery could go wrong they might find something you just never know and the fact that you weren't here when i left you weren't here when i got here it just it all it would make me feel like you were waiting for me to go away.
Yeah. And if you can't support me through this, if God forbid it gets worse, how do I know that you're going to be by my side and support me through that? Oh my gosh.
I love men, but they are also trash. I'm not going to generalize, but I am.
I just like, I'm so blown. It's like like there's so many things too where it's like okay you were hungry cool it took you over an hour like there was so much time before surgery prep and like actually going under the knife and like okay but he wasn't even answering his phone why aren't you answering answering your phone? Oh, I didn't even catch that.

So much so like, what if something did go wrong and the nurse was calling you to be like,

hey, she had a bad reaction to anesthesia and didn't make it.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

God, I guess that burger was more important than my wife.

It's such a bad lie.

It's not true.

It's such a bad lie.

He was clearly doing so.

I would be like, let me smell your breath. What was on the burger? It is so bad.
Let me smell your breath. Bad.
Is this divorce worthy for you? It's the beginning of the end for me, for sure. Yeah.
I just, it's so layered. There's trust issues with it.
You're inconsiderate. Self-serving.
I just, this is somebody going to, it's surgery period. If I have my wisdom teeth, Al, you better be right there by my side.
You better be damn near fighting to get into the emergency room with me, asking for updates, what's going on, let alone surgery. What was it with this yet? A lumpectomy.
Breast cancer. I just can't get over the way he's acting.
It's as if, and this is going to sound very harsh, but the way he's acting, he's acting as if she's already gone. He's acting as if the diagnosis is a death sentence.
Oh my God, you're so right. And that's what I wouldn't be able to get over.
As soon as I, I would use that man to, as best as I could, because he doesn't seem to be that useful, to help help me get back on my feet and to get back where I needed to be to get back on my bearings. And I would leave him.
I would slowly be vindictive. I'd slowly be, basically what happened to me, be preparing how I was going to make my departure.
Yeah, you do. Because that is a man you can't trust.
So you use him for what you can, and you bounce as soon as you get on your feet and find that man who treats you right. Yeah, get through the cancer, and, like, who knows if he's even going to stay with her through that.
Like, if you look at stats, the stats don't lie. If you look at heterosexual relationships and women get sick, men are more likely to leave than if the man got sick and the woman stayed to care for that like it's just the stats so hopefully she has a supportive partner through this but no not the asshole i wouldn't take the roses he needs to go back to the gutter he crawled out of like pond scum energy here insane the fact that he wasn't there to hold her hand and when she woke up which okay now it's a two-hour window after that surgery my fiance is going to come with me when i get my chin lipo and he's going to hold my hand every step of the freaking way like this is something that's just like this is breast cancer this is such a big deal i don't even know how you look at yourself you're right it It's such a big deal.
It's so scary. And I don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror and know that you weren't there.
Like what if the situation was reversed? He's got to be doing something so shady. Oh yeah.
I don't think he got a burger and a beer. No.
And why would you go to a bar to get a burger? You know how many fast food places are around here? And instead, you went to go get a drink. And let's just give him the slight benefit of the doubt.
All right. Sometimes people don't know how to handle their emotions.
So maybe you were so stressed out that you went to go grab yourself a beer. And maybe you were emotional when you were there.
And you got a burger. And you lost track of time of time and you realize you lost track of time and you knew you weren't there.

So you grab some roses and you're like, I'm so sorry.

I don't know quite how to process this as well.

I am just as scared as you, but I didn't know how to tell you because I don't want to scare you too.

Yeah.

That would bring me back.

100%.

And I think a lot of times, like, I think that is a message to people.

Never be scared to be vulnerable with your person. They're married.
You are in it. Whether it's your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, be vulnerable.
Sometimes it is so much better to just fall on your sword and say that. I handled this poorly.
I don't know how to handle this. I'm scared.
I'm so sorry. That is human.
We're all human. We're all going to fuck up, but own it then.
Yeah. Don't be like, oh, I was hungry.
I had a burger and a beer. That's not, that's not what I want to hear.
Like be vulnerable, talk, communicate. Why do we do that? Oh my God.
Why do we avoid, why do we run away from things? You know, like why, Why is that easier? And and i mean it's tell as old as time but why is that easier than just having the conversation it's it's some weird twisted way of like self-preservation it's it's scarier to be vulnerable than to just like be in trouble or have someone mad at you like it's i don I don't know, some psychological stuff we're going to have to unpack in therapy. I would have for every rose, I'd have a list of things that you will be doing to make it up for me.
I like that. Yeah.
That's a good little comeback. Yeah.
Every petal. Clean the house.
Take care of the kids. That's right.
That's right. I like that.
Where do you think the comments went on this one?

They can only go one way.

Please, I don't want to leave on an angry note.

Top comment.

Not the asshole.

Not being there for you is already bad, but not even bothering to answer his phone while

he knows you're going into surgery is beyond disrespectful.

Next comment down.

Not the asshole.

He was having a burger throughout the whole time.

Really?

That's the most awful lie I've ever heard.

His story doesn't add up.

No, it doesn't.

Wow.

Ooh.

Apparently, there's a comment from OP that suggested he might have been using some coke as opposed to an affair.

So just as bad.

I don't know if I believe like that's what I would even put that in there.

So he was doing cocaine for two hours and he couldn't.

Wouldn't he be wired?

I don't know.

Like, wouldn't he be all up and ready to? I don't know. He didn't pass out off the coke.
It's still a long time to be gone. Exactly.
Maybe he needed to let the buzz fade a little bit. Yeah.
I don't know. I mean, it's not like being drunk where you have to sober up.
I don't know. IOP, I'm concerned.
I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
But I did like having you on today. I did too.
I enjoy myself so much. Rachel, this is so good.
You have so many amazing things going on right now. You have two podcasts.
Yes. Where can people find you? How can they listen to the shows that you have? Thank you so much for asking.
So I have two podcasts, Higher Learning, which we talk about everything from current affairs, politics, sports, entertainment, and how it is intersected with culture. A lot of fun.
Gets a little crazy, but it's definitely like you're listening to your brother and sister. Yeah, this is with you and Van, right? Yeah, this is me and Van.
This show sounds amazing. It's unhinged.
I've heard a little bit about it. It's unhinged, but it's so much fun.
It's like a family reunion. You're just, you know that talk you have where you go back and forth at the dinner table and everybody gathers for the holidays? It's like that.
But we debate everything that's relevant and current in the world. And that drops, new episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday.
And then- Twice a week? Twice a week. Girl.
And then for all my Bravo lovers, we do Morally Corrupt, beautifully named after Beverly Hills season one episode. And the dinner table, all great things happen on a boat or around a dinner table on Housewives shows.
And we just started, now we do it twice a week as well so new episodes drop every tuesdays tuesday and friday you're sleeping i don't know you're doing anything i'm wired up um but the tuesday show is all news and bravo news and then the friday show we recap what's going on on bravo with all the shows so we do about three to four shows so it's it's a's a fun time. I love what I do.
I'm grateful to do it.

And I'm grateful to be here talking with you.

This is so fun.

My pleasure.

Pleasure is all mine.

I hope I didn't offend anyone.

No,

Hey,

it's just a difference of opinions.

There we go.

It's not,

not what we're saying.

It's not fact.

It's not end all be all.

It's just an opinion.

Just an opinion.

Just an opinion.

Just a hot take.

Just a mildly lukewarm,ly tempted take it's fun but thank you so much and that's all i got for you

guys we have merch on sale there's more on patreon this month but other than that until next time