184: Live, Laugh, Live Show..

Hi, friends. I know, I know I said no new episode this week.
Well, no new episode in the traditional sense. If you want more traditional episodes recorded in studio, amazing quality audio, head over to Patreon.
There is over five and a half hours of full length bonus content this month with some of the best stories I think we've had recently. I'm still sitting here scarred from the

ones I read with Lauren, Justin, and Carrie. Yeah, basically three full bonus episodes this

month if you go to Patreon. We've got Chris Clemens joining for a few stories.
We've got

some confessions that I never thought would see the light of day. And we've just got our usual

chaos with some crowd noise, which is my favorite part of these live shows. Being able to hear

Thank you. light of day and we've just got our usual chaos with some crowd noise, which is my favorite part of these live shows.
Being able to hear your reactions instantly, getting the boos that they're an asshole, getting the cheers that they are not the asshole. Live shows are a totally different experience.
We've only got 11 shows on this upcoming tour and it might be one of the last tours for quite some time because I got to start wedding planning. So if you can, be sure to come join us.
The link to buy your tickets is also in the description. Hope to see you there and enjoy

the episode. Let's dive in.
Thank you. This first story is coming from our New York live show at Gramercy Theater.
It features Chris Clemens as our guest co-host. So this first one, Lauren actually found, and I have no idea what we're getting into.
I don't even know which one it is. And that makes two of us.
It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Reporting My Husband Kink to the Police? Why'd you put my name behind this one? I'm clicking read more. I made an alt because I'm honestly concerned and I don't want him to know about this.
So my husband has been getting very strange slash creepy in the bedroom. I told him it makes me very uncomfortable, but I went along with it for a short period of time because he said it's the only thing that can get him off now.
This is, yeah. Every day I'm embarrassed to be a man.
I love how everyone's saying leave him and we don't know what it is yet.

She told the cops it's got to be bad.

But I just couldn't continue with it anymore.

And it's making me fear for my life.

His kink is essentially to have me pretend to be dead and lifeless.

I'm out.

No, dude.

Like, I'm out.

Like, honestly,

the only thing worse than necrophilia is having an alive person pretend...

Like, that's insane!

Is it?

He was like,

hey, baby, my cake is play dead. dead no they were just dead i think like i don't think they were alive and he was like there's another action oh he drugged them you're so right too much serial killer ah scary full body couldn't...
Oh, wrong line. He didn't start this until recently, and it makes me worry about his mental state.
He's also been getting a lot more angry and aggressive with me lately. I reported him to the police so he could get mental health help and so they could talk to him.
He told me because I reported him, I'm going to regret it. Oh, God.
Oh, okay. Oh, no.
I don't even feel safe being in the same house as him anymore. Because ever since I reported him, he has been giving me this chilling stare and i'm considering calling the police again to get him out i have never wanted an update for a story so badly just to know that they're alive yeah like it's like not even funny there are a lot of other concerning things he's been doing lately, but I don't want to make this post too long,

so that's the overall point here.

Am I the asshole for reporting his kink?

No.

Honestly, this is a situation where you leave in the middle of the night.

We know goodbyes.

Change your name.

We're in the fingertips.

This is the scariest shit ever.

Yeah.

Do you know how, oh, sorry.

No, you go ahead.

I didn't know there was more.

You got it, babe.

No, I just think, like, can you imagine being, like, how bad it was that you're questioning

if you're wrong?

That's, like, the part that's tripping me out.

I'm sitting here, like, I'm, one, I'm panicked because of the story.

And two, I didn't find this one.

So I'm like, is there an update?

Lauren, what did you do to us?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I didn't even think you'd read this one.

Surprise.

It's like sending it to you for shits and gigs.

Carrie, our amazing assistant that keeps this whole tour running,

put it in here.

Oh, and thank God she did because it is juicy.

But what?

Check the backyard. Oh.

Top comment.

Being an asshole is irrelevant here. Leave now.
Yeah. Collect your documents, ID, birth certificate, passport, etc.
And any money that you have and go to a safe location. If you have a friend that lives at an address unknown to your husband, go there.
Otherwise, a hotel

on a credit card he doesn't have access to. If he has access to all of your finances, go to a women's shelter.
Block him on all platforms. If you have location services shared, end it.
Get a cheap new phone and throw away the old one far away from where you're staying. do not respond to him no matter what.

From experience, police cannot help you much in these situations, but still report anything he does so that you can build a case to use later if needed. I am very, very sorry this is happening.
I'm on OP's account. There is one comment.
No update. OP says, thank you guys so much for the support.
It really means a lot to me. I'll just say, I would leave right now, believe me.
I just have a few problems.

I don't really have anywhere in my

town that I can go because most

of my family and friends live out of

town or out of state.

Time to go. Go there.

We're going out of state.

We're going on a road trip, girl.

Also,

our neighbors live

miles out and we live in a really rural area. Oh, God.
I am kind of ashamed, to say the least, but I am also financially dependent upon him. So a hotel isn't an option right now.
I don't have any money of my own unless he gives me an allowance. What? That is the first red flag.
That's the way he wanted it since we first got married. No.
I do have a degree, but I haven't used it. I have to plan out some sort of exit, like some suggested.
Thank you again. God bless you all.
This is literally a script to just the worst horror film I've ever seen. Okay, well, thank you.
Someone asked how long ago it was, and I just looked at the account. This was all posted four months ago, and we don't have an update.
Don't worry. I'm literally going to get on the chat right now and send a message.
Thank God I'm connected to the Wi-Fi. I know.
No, I will literally send her a fucking Visa card. No, literally.
We march at dawn. We all march at dawn.
You can't take us all on. What should we say? Hi there, checking in to see if you're okay.
Alive. Happy to mail you some sort of what do you call Visa gift card or something? Yeah, okay.
I mean, fuck, I'll pick her up. I'll go fly and get her.
This is an actual emergency, it feels. No, this is dire.
What the fuck is this? I feel complicit somehow. I'm like, uh...
No, that never should be said. Jesus Christ.
No, I will get in a sprinter van with your ass. Chris Clements is to your ass.
I can't believe I'm saying this. I wish we were in LA to have some sage.
Some bitch would have it. This is crazy.
Honestly, Chris in a cape, though, I can envision it. Oh, yeah? It's like blowing.
Picture it, I can honestly see you in that situation.

I'm not, not to make light of it,

but if you were there picking her up

and she's coming out,

oh, I forgot something in your house.

You'd be like, get in the fucking car.

I'm like, I don't care what it is.

If it's an original Picasso, I'll find another one.

Like, get the fuck out of here, bitch.

That is like, that is just so scary. Okay, well, message has been sent.
Everyone in this room, put a little prayer, good juju, good vibes, whatever you believe in, up. And let's hope we hear back.
I feel bad for picking this up, but then again, so many of you guys have told me that you listen to all those murder podcasts. So I'm like, this can't be that bad, right?

Let's just all pray.

Let's just pray about it.

Amen.

Yeah, I've never been so willing to join a prayer circle.

I'm like, let's fucking go, God.

Let's do it.

Everyone hold hands.

The minute we get a response, I will be like, hey, Grammarcy Theater, can I get the email list so we can let everyone know she's okay? Yeah. But okay.
Moving along. Thank you.
Thank you. I'm like, wow, that's a fucking crazy start.
Okay. I'm going to give you guys a choice on this next one.
Okay.

Cause then one other story tonight does also involve a kink.

Do we want to stay on the kink train or,

or do we want just like,

just a mix up?

I don't even know if it's lighter,

just,

but just mix it up a little bit,

mix it up.

Let's hear it for kink.

Let's hear it for mix it up.

That was too even.

It was really even. Flip a coin.

We gotta do that again. One more time.

You got it, Lauren. Okay, ready, guys?

Kink.

Mix it up.

Kink.

You guys are good, but I think kink won.

I think the kinks have it.

Slim margin.

We learned nothing.

I almost said we should pass around the mic.

I was going to say show and tell our kinks, but I meant tell.

But imagine what would happen.

Let's leave it to our imaginations.

Yeah.

This next story is also from New York.

Apologies.

This was the very last story of the very last show.

So my voice is basically gone,

gone.

Um, but it is a really, really good story. So enjoy it.
So I'm going to give you a choice on this last one. Okay.
Today I fucked up by not telling my doctor how many Tic Tacs I eat per day. Or

I destroyed my

ex-boyfriend's Lego set

and gave him one week to move out

after he threw away my teddy bear.

No. That's a YouTube

video I'd watch.

The second one.

The second one. First one? Exactly.
No, you're wrong. It's the second one.
Here we go, baby. I'm sorry, Gramercy.
I'm going to try to read fast, but... Okay.
We all know the title. I'm not going to read it again.
I just need to vent. I, 24 female,

have been living with my 25 male, now ex-boyfriend, for about eight months. I have a teddy bear that

my grandmother gave to me when I was younger. It has no monetary value, but the sentimental value

is more important. When I was eight, she gave it to me while she was struggling with cancer.
Oh, God. It was stage four and spread quickly, and there was nothing they could do.
She gave me a teddy bear and told me to take care of it. And I could talk to the teddy bear whenever I missed her.
She got one of those talking mics in it. And it would say, quote, I hope you're feeling loved today because I love you more than all the stars in the sky and all the fish in the sea and you and you mean the world to me I hate that you guys picked this one now.
I forgot how fucked it was. Okay, where are we? She would say that all the time to me when I would spend the night.
He knows how much it means to me. I told him.
He's seen me hugging the bear and sitting outside to talk to my grandma when I was sad

or just needed to vent without judgment or even a response. Two days ago, he decided

that it was raggedy and, quote, not appealing to look at. This one sucks.
I can admit, Bear Bear has been through it. I carried it around with me everywhere for two years.
He would go in my book bag when I went to school, went to dance class with me.

He even went out of town when I had cheer meets when I got into high school. My cousin pulled

out one of his eyes when I was 10 and he's missing an arm when my brother got mad at me and cut it

off. But it was sewn back on and then ripped off again.
You guys get it. But he was mine.
Did I mention this is coming from the two-art-takes subreddit? Like, this is one of us. Oh, my God.
I found a button that was exactly like his from some bear at Goodwill and was going to sew it in

as his eye. I went to my room.
We have separate bedrooms. I can decorate my space how I want and

have my workspace and the same for him but we always sleep together. I just never had my own

room and have always been living alone for two years so I just want to keep that for a while.

I went in there to do it and he wasn't on my bed.

I went scouring for him for hours.

And he watched me.

I started to cry.

Because that was the last thing she gave me.

And she made it special for me. He finally told me, after watching me struggle for hours, he threw it away because it was disgusting, and he hated coming into my room and seeing it.
Warm up my cell in that maximum security prison.

Fight me, bitch.

I got so mad and I felt so betrayed.

He likes to spend time on Legos and building them.

He built the Eiffel Tower, the Harry Potter Tower,

a cherry blossom tree, and dozens of others. I went to his room, and I destroyed them all.
I threw the pieces around the room, and out the window, and into the garbage. He came in screaming at me and saying, How dare I touch his things? I'm so pissed.
Don't fuck with grandmas. Don't you fucking dare.
I'll put a Lego in every orifice of your fucking body, bitch.

Sorry.

He bought them with his own money, and he spent hours on them.

Oh.

I told him to get the fuck out and spend hours rebuilding in someplace else because I'm done with him.

That is pretty good.

He started telling me I was overreacting

and whatever else. I forgot a lot

of the argument because I was pissed.

I told him he had one week

to get his things out and move out,

but he wasn't staying here while it happened.

He started telling me that I

couldn't do that and he would pay and he paid bills. I told him I really don't give a shit, and he'd get out, or I'd call the police.
We have mutual friends, and he has told them a completely different story. Because two of them have texted me asking,

how could you do that to him?

To quote Wendy Williams, death to all of them.

And I really don't care to clear it up.

In the moment, I didn't feel bad,

and now I kind of do,

because that's his hobby.

And I get, I was so hurt and betrayed by what he did. He's even called me a few times saying he'll get me another bear.
No. Go fuck yourself.
Literally. And we can work on things.
And don't throw away three years over a mistake. Oh, yeah.
Don't throw away my Nana's 98-year-old teddy bear. Oh, my God.
He's lucky that he had Legos for her to destroy because I would be burning his house down. I would have taken fucking scissors to his dick.
I mean, it would have been game. I'm not kidding.
You don't play when it comes to my grandma.

Yeah. No.

Mic drop. No.

No.

I'm, I love my grandma.

Like, my grandma's literally my favorite fucking person.

And I've been working,

oh, I can't even think about her being gone.

No, we can't go down this road.

But, my grandma and me are working on a recipe book together. And if someone took that recipe book and threw it in the trash because they were annoyed by it, I honestly, I would stab them with a pair of scissors.
Rusty scissors. Get tetanus, bitch.
If that shit fucking happened, I would would stab him before you i listen i'm calling the police all of my hands out i'm ready 25 to life let's go i don't give a fuck you and chris together in the cell do life you fuck with my grandma my family me you're done You guys The top

The top comment on the post

I'd leave him my husband folds my baby blanket and puts it under my pillow when he makes the bed I'm a middle-aged woman with children to be loved is to be seen. Like, your partner should fully embrace you and all of you.
This is a fucking teddy bear. This is bear bear.
This is not a fucking couch and a beetle guy going under it. This is not a poop knife.
This is not a

coconut. This is

bear bear. Oh my god.

The voice recording too.

That's what would really fuck me up.

You threw away that voice.

I just...

You guys?

There's an update.

We have an update. be careful he's dead I will just say he's dead this has been a really emotional wild ride for me because Lauren actually found this one and I didn't know any of this that was going to happen and I'm like sitting here.
I'm like, what the fuck is this story?

This is a dark one to give them to choose.

I'm sorry.

But like, thank God you guys stole, like, not stole, chose this one now.

Stole?

And I'm looking at the clock.

I'm so sorry, Venue.

I know I'm over time.

I'll pay.

I really will.

Sorry.

This is like therapy. Okay.
I'll pay sorry, Venue. I know I'm over time.
I'll pay. I really will.
Sorry. This is like therapy.

Okay.

Okay. Update.

I want to say thank you

to all the people who told me not to give up

on finding my bear because

I went out to that dumpster for

three hours with my sister,

my best friend, and even a neighbor

came down to help when I told them what

happened. And I fucking found it! I am so relieved and beyond happy.
Also, I love all the men calling me crazy and he dodged a bullet

and I committed a crime

and he should call the police and take me to

court. A crime? What?

Tell them they should finish middle school.

As if

he didn't throw away my

property because he didn't like my

property and my personal space.

He is

lucky that's all I did and i didn't sue him for it oh this fucking does this make you emotional because of what just happened the other day with just you guys justin was in the dumpster i didn't that did not even digging through the dumpster i come outside of a venue and okay, well, we need to give them a little more context. I wanted to kind of put it out there and then have you finish.
Okay, so. She's going through it now.
Lauren, this was not. I didn't even cross my mind, and now I'm going to cry more.
Sorry. Okay, never mind.
Let's rewind. We're going to take it back.
So I have a pony. Okay.
Sorry. Let me do it.
Okay. Do you want me to handle it? Morgan got a really sentimental gift and we couldn't find it.
Yeah. So pretty much we dumpster dove.
Justin did way more than I did. I went through one thing while going, Justin was like in the trenches.
Literally digging through the dumpster. Yeah.
Yeah, you guys. I have a video of it.
I'll post it on my story afterwards. It's truly beautiful.
I don't know if I've ever cried this much at a show. I'm so sorry.
But yeah, my pony is not doing very well. So to like get this gift from someone, it was my pony carved in bronze.
I lost it. It was beautiful.
And I set it down on a chair. I walked away for two seconds.
I came back to grab it and it was gone. And we started going to the dumpsters.sters but luckily I sent an email to the guy and I go please let me know if it gets found and luckily he texted me yesterday and he goes Morgan your pin was found we have it but it was very emotional because my pony is in the emergency vet hospital right now but he's doing better but not But not where I wanted this story to go, but it's okay.
Sorry. But the beautiful part is that Bear Bear was found.
And the horsey pin was found. OP ends it.
Anyways, I found him. He's drying.
I'm going to sew the button in over the weekend.

My dad and brother will be

here when my ex comes to get his

shit, and that's it!

I'm so fucking

mad. I'm really ready to commit a crime.

I'm glad you found it,

but I'm still sad that he's just

out building his Legos

and doing that. I hope

he literally either steps on all the

Thank you. I'm glad you found it, but I'm still sad that he's just out building his Legos and doing that.
I hope he literally either steps on all the Legos or never finds the one to finish Hogwarts. I hope he rots in Azkaban in his terms.
Hogwarts! I hope when he goes to hell because he will. I'll greet him.
That's the worst part. No, you fucking won't because you are one of the most magical, kind humans I've ever met.
He's incredible. He's backfired immensely.
Chris Clemens is as amazing as he seems online. He is a beautiful fucking soul.
But when that fucker goes to hell,

every single minute of hell, he will be walking over exposed Legos on the ground because if you've ever done that, you know it hurts. But on that note, that's all I got for you guys.

This really, this ended in a compromising way.

Like, I think I committed like five crimes just verbally.

I'm like, well, that was all alleged.

Allegedly.

Apparently.

Apparently, allegedly. I would allegedly load a gun and shoot him.

I feel like after that last story and my personal connection to it i need another shot this next story is from our minneapolis live show at varsity theater it is coming from a it a h it is titled am i the asshole for telling my girlfriend that my ex-wife was tighter? Oh. Wow.
My heart's pounding. I'm upset.
You're already heated over here. I'm male 39.
Hate it when people make fun of others. I mean, I know that

people can gossip and talk amongst friends about other people, and I'm guilty of that too, but I got very upset when my girlfriend, female 32, started talking about my ex-wife, female 42. I understand that disliking an ex isn't abnormal or anything,

but my girlfriend

is obsessed with my ex-wife and always tries to make bad remarks about her. When it is just to me,

I don't care because again, people can gossip and talk shit about others in the privacy of their

own homes. But this time it was at a restaurant with some

of her girlfriends and their spouses. Somehow the discussion became about my ex-wife's vagina.
Yeah, don't ask me how, but they were discussing childbirth and body changes, age etc and my And my ex got dragged. Wow.
My girlfriend was a bit drunk and she was talking loudly. I hated it and I asked her to stop talking.
When I get upset, she doubles down because she starts thinking, why do you care? Why don't you want me to talk shit about your ex? She has actually told me this before. Now she was talking about how my ex-wife must have a huge one.
We have two children together, female four and male two. The girls started laughing and saying, ew.
I yelled to stop, but they ignored me.

Then my girlfriend told me,

Why are you so agitated?

Did we hit a nerve?

I said, Actually, no.

My ex was the tightest woman I've ever had.

I don't know how she managed it,

but she is very, very tight. They became silent, and my girlfriend started crying.
Then the women started yelling at me, and their spouses were somewhere between amused and scared. Then one of the spouses said, Yeah, I don't think childbirth really affects this.
I haven't noticed the difference with the women I've dated. I felt gratitude, but I was still being yelled at, and my girlfriend has not called or answered me since Saturday.
I am so tired. Oh, my God.
Do you want to take this first? I mean, I'm a little embarrassed in the sense that there's some people here that I would never have these conversations with.

And I know we have a lot of family here.

Get the disclaimer before the show.

So I guess here it is.

Oh my God.

You didn't warn them.

I tried.

I don't know.

How do you warn someone?

Oh,

by the way, we're going to talk about tightness.

We don't know what's going to come up here.

Yeah.

We don't know what you're going to read to us.

I should have warned them and I definitely didn't i'm so sorry mom but anyway i think the second you have a sentence like when i start getting upset she doubles down i don't think that you know this is much bigger than this conversation it's much bigger than this topic coming up in front of everyone. It could have been about anything, any sensitive topic.
And it's when you start doubling down when your partner seems upset because you're trying to keep pushing that narrative, there's a bigger issue here. So the fact that she's not responding might be a good thing.
Yeah. I personally can't believe that the title of this went from me feeling sick to my stomach to being like...
Because here's the thing. This is the mother of his children.
And his children, you would hope, he really loves. And to say that because she gave birth to his children, that she's gross now, that is so messed up, that there's just, there's no excuse.
Yeah, sure, you can be jealous of an ex, but that, you're taking it too far. And I, obviously, it was maybe like a little, it kind of like, maybe it was a little mean for him to say that, but like at that moment he was backed against a corner.
And I just think that like she needed that wake up call. And so I actually am not mad at him for saying that to her.
I am not mad at all. I actually love this.
And I, I know like you're supposed to defend your current partner and have their side, but when they're relentlessly trolling someone that has nothing to do with them anymore, him defending his ex-wife honestly gives green flags. I actually really appreciate that.
And people would be like, why? He is unwilling to let his ex-partner, mother of his children,

be dragged through the mud for no reason.

And it's like, yeah, they're together now, but you could not be.

And what if you have a kid with him?

And this is the next lady talking about you.

Like, it makes me feel, oh, God, the bar is in hell,

but a little hopeful.

Like, I'm like, yeah, defend her and her tight vagina. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I think that there's a lot of like little petty things that you could like, you know, like chirp to like your ex or to your current partner about their ex and it not be that serious.
But like this just feels, this feels crime against females you know what i mean like i was gonna say she's giving pick me yeah like it just she is giving pick me like oh my god she must have a huge one unlike me i'm so tight like she's giving pick me yeah it's it's pretty crazy well it seems like it's been building up and this is the final just outlet where he's just had enough and it's just like all right you're gonna do this in front of everyone out tonight well here's what i have to say so i like it too i know and the chorus of ew like how fucking old are you there's pelvic floor therapy bitches. I know.
I met my little OBGYN nurse here tonight.

Yeah. like how fucking old are you there's pelvic floor therapy bitches i know i met my little ob-gyn nurse here tonight yeah the one comment he does include in this that does freak me out too is my girlfriend is obsessed with my ex-wife why like that is that's so weird and the fact to, like, co-parent, you don't want someone like that around your kids.
They're gonna pick up on her hostility and all the shit she's talking. Yeah, you'd want him to have a good relationship with her.
I mean, just for the good of the whole situation. But if you're that threatened, then, you know, let's get rid of you.
Let's get rid of you. One way or another.
Top comment on this one. This whole situation sucks.
If you're co-parenting with your ex, your girlfriend should know that part of dating you means having a cordial or at least neutral relationship with her, at least in front of you. She has way crossed the line.
This is not somebody you can have around your kids. She's ghosting you.
Cool. Saves you the trouble.
True. I like it.
There is another comment, one that OP responds to. This is such a lack of respect for ex ex-wife, but also for your feelings, that I hope that you have already broken up with your girlfriend.
Being drunk is not an excuse to discuss other people's genitalia in public. What else is she okay to discuss aloud when you're not around? She won't change because she is jealous and insecure of your ex op responds while writing this post i literally thought what am i doing yeah yeah i realized i am done i am tired i'm packing her shit in a box and leaving it in the hallway hey happy ending that ending.
That is a happy. What does that mean? Oh, Jerry shows himself.
My dad must be out in the wild by you guys, huh? Oh, man, Jerry. Oh, man.
Also, where is Carrie? Can I have a drink? Our lovely assistant, Vannaanna white come on out carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie carrie thanks carrie yeah baby i have one more oh okay carrie's got those drinks usually i kind of lost track of time because we start a little bit later.

And so I didn't.

But let's get it straight.

We had to make sure everyone was in the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why.

It's because of you guys, not us.

I don't want the bad vibe.

But I didn't have a drink in hand.

And I'm like, this is so weird.

Usually when I'm coming out here, I'm spilling all over myself.

And now I'm just like twiddling my thumbs. So.
Lauren got smoked by a door. Oh my God.
Yeah, tell them. Smoked.
Oh yeah. Tell them.
The Tempe show had double swing doors and they were holding it for me and Justin and. Not me.
They didn't know Lauren was a part of the crew somehow somehow even though she was at sound check and that door just bam champagne glass shattered shattered champagne all over lauren and then well she had these really light pants on and i pissed myself so we're standing side stage and the intro video is playing. And it ends, and I'm like, Lauren, you got to go.
And she's like looking down. She's like, what do I do? What do I say? And then she just got out there, and we did it.
Yeah. The show must go on.
Yeah. Are we ready for our first guest of the night?

Okay, please welcome my lovely sister-in-law, Amy, to the stage.

You have some presents.

Justin also has presents while Amy gets settled.

Oh, my God. Well, Amy, that's not for you, Amy.
Amy's like, it's for me. This next story is also from Minnesota, but it has a special guest, Sid, from Well Said Podcast.
You've seen Sid in the past. She used to go by Straight Candid.
She is an amazing co-host. So be sure to go check out her podcast.
This next one is titled Boyfriend, 25 male and his sister-in-law, 28 female snuck out to the beach at 3 a.m. Oh, hell no.
Hard no already. No, no.
Okay, so last night happened. We've been together for a year.
We were visiting his parents' house, who lived by the beach, and his brother was also there with his wife. We stayed there last night, and at around 3 a.m.
I was half asleep.

3 a.m.

And I noticed that he was leaving the room.

I thought he's probably going to the bathroom or something.

I heard some noises from downstairs and I wasn't paying attention until I saw from the window that he was going out to the beach with his brother's wife.

They came back about an hour later.

I still haven't confronted him,

and I was wondering what this could mean.

What was it that they needed to do?

I don't know what...

Sex.

Just like so nonchalant down here. I wondered what they needed to do.
Sex. I'm just sorry.
I could not keep it together. Oh my God.
Where was I? What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think. Is it something that I can be upset about? Sneaking around at night isn't cool in my opinion.
What is going on here? Your chill is insane. It's insane.
If I saw you at the window running around the sand, are you joking? John Cena, your ass. You kidding me? Are you joking me? I'm sorry.
Maybe I just don't have any chill.

And I definitely had a tequila soda, so I don't have any chill now for sure. I can't imagine seeing them walk off and not fucking going to see what is going on.
Like, obviously, I'd probably play the card that's not run out and be like hey guys what are we doing you know you go like a minute later you trail like the guys in the movies following like that kind of thing you stay just out of sight i'm going there's no way i'm laying there just being like oh they're probably just chatting no way there's some people in relationships though that like actually they're like oh no i'd rather not know i'm like i'm gonna know i'm gonna find your ass wherever you are you have a piece one kernel of sand a kernel kernel corn one kernel whatever i'm calling it a kernel sand in your ass cheek i know exactly what happened out there great thank you because i Honestly, I thought it was Colonel too. The more you said it, the better it sounded.
Colonel sounds pretty good. Because of Colonel Sanders or what? Sid, I'm literally picturing you like that Jennifer Lawrence scene in No Hard Feelings.
She's like naked and she comes up and she just peeps the shit out of the people who try to steal her clothes she looked so hot in that movie oh my god i love jennifer lawrence the amount of times i've seen hunger games is disturbing okay sorry no i mean what i mean what are you doing what are you wondering for i just i can't live in the unknown my anxiety is like up here i wish it wasn't there but it is i'm not living in the unknown what if no i'm i'm gonna find out i'm gonna find you i don't care who i need to ask and also i'd already been out there crawling army crawling in the sand underneath what what is what is he gonna say what what were you guys doing i mean here's the thing i think we all know what's happening and also when you're sneaking out at 3 a.m this is not the first time there's no way that's the first time like hey texting in the middle of the night you want to go to the beach no this shit's been going on how many of you would have followed him everyone who wouldn't i mean i am a very curious person i would have i would have loved to have a chance at like stealth mode because like i don't I don't usually I don't get that anymore

so there's something about catching somebody doing something wrong I don't get that anymore the narc in me is like yes I caught you I got you you know what I'm saying I'm like even when you pull up at like I don't know a four-way stop and someone goes and you're like oh no no no I'm pulling out first. I caught you.

Doing something wrong.

The narc in me takes over.

Don't you hate, though, the idea of, like, catching in real life that image, though? No. No? Catch him.
Well, no, no, no. Not saying you never catch them at all.
Like, obviously, ideally, you catch them, but, like, verbally. Like, I just, like, feel like that would be ingrained in my head and I I would be like...
It doesn't matter. You're going to break up after that anyways.
True. You're done.
True, true. So, we do have some comments.
Nailed the coffin. Someone goes, I'm very surprised you didn't follow them.
It could have been a range of interpretations from a crazy idea to them wanting to fuck on the beach. OP responds and says, I wanted to follow them, but they had locked the front door behind them and I didn't have a key.
What do you mean? How do you lock from the outside?, hold on. So, we get some...
Lock it from the outside? We get some more details, people. Don't worry.
Someone goes, this is new one to me. This is new one to me.
This is new one. Do tell, how do you get locked in a house? OP responds, the lock has keyholes on both sides.
That's fire hazard i imagine my in-laws lock the doors at night and keep the key somewhere inside and my boyfriend had a spare key so he opened it got out and locked it again window you gotta change that i was about to say i'm. I don't care.
He could open it, too. There's no patio door, sliding glass door.
Come on, it's a beach house. Listen, when detective work comes to detective work, I'm sorry, you can't pretend like you haven't dug so hard on Instagram or Facebook.
I don't care. This is in person.
This is your big break. You got to get out there.
You got to find out what's going on. Get out that window.
I'm saying.

Yeah.

Top comment on the original post.

And you asked him about it.

And he said... Whoa, that was a lot of dots.

That was crazy.

Look at how many dots there are.

But your mouth.

I've never seen it move that fast.

I know. It's a little machine gun.

I practiced.

I didn't. We have an update.
Oh. Hey again.
As much as I wanted to tell you all that it was over nothing, that they just wanted to get some air or smoke some weed or something? Not the case. Really? Really? They were, indeed, fucking.
Case closed. Judge Judy hit her a little.
It's done. It's done.
I asked my boyfriend about it. Didn't mention that I saw him go out with her.
Just that I saw him leave the bed and come back later. He told me that he just went to pee and then saw his dad in the kitchen and couldn't sleep, and they had a chat for a while.
Liar! I asked his sister-in-law immediately after that, said that I saw her from the window for a second. Was I just imagining it since I was half asleep? Or did she go out alone that time of night? She said that she enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach.
Liar again. 3 a.m., not midnight, honey.
See, we got our detective work down. I told his brother that I saw them leave.
He told me that they enjoy long walks on the beach. He couldn't be bothered to go with them.
I thought, liar. He's in on it? He's into it then.
No, he's ignoring it. He's probably ignoring it.
So apparently they gave each other the heads up since my boyfriend came to me and told me everything an hour later. Him and his brother like sharing their girlfriend.
Oh my God. Yeah.
So only one person was betrayed like you would think they would have like a partner to be like this sucks that we're going through this together but no no he's been fucking his sister-in-law for years now. Years! That night was just another moment.

He told me that he wanted to tell me when the time is right or when he thought i'm prepared so that i can join in and sleep so i can join in and sleep with his brother oh Oh, my God. So that they no longer have to sneak around.
He wasn't even admitting that it was cheating, saying that it doesn't count since it's his sister-in-law. Yeah.
It doesn't count because she's my second cousin. Oh, my God.
I don't even know what to say to that.

He called me traditional for thinking it was cheating.

Yeah, I consider having sex with anyone else cheating.

Call me traditional.

So I broke up with him and left him to deal with his weird shit with his brother.

And I'm actually happier now.

Let's go.

You want a polyamorous relationship, you kind of have to involve the other person involved.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, but I know also a side note.

If you couldn't tell by my narc detective work, I would not be in a polyamorous relationship. Just FYI.
I don't know if you couldn't tell that. Yeah.
I mean, to each their own, but damn, at least inform the parties. As Justin would say...
Yeah, baby. Don't even have to say it.
Goes unspoken between us. Were they just gonna, they just have been having family Christmases and here's my gift, you guys.
I know you're doing good over there. Just like, I mean, the acting is just insane.
Like the show they've been putting on for so long. God, that's a kink, Jerry.
Well, what's crazy, too, is they could end up in a situation where they got to do paternity tests to determine, is that my son or my nephew? Exactly what I was thinking. Yeah, it's so interesting.
Like, I don't really understand this type of kink, to be honest. Sharing? Well, like, as you're wanting your brother and then the sister-in-law like i don't know i don't know why like i don't know i don't get it but yeah i guess to each their own if they're all happy as long as they're not lying to other people anymore then go at it kids he will he will definitely find his person that is okay with this.
Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

There is a left shoe to everyone's crooked right, you know?

Like, he will find his person.

I think if he went into it a little sooner, like maybe fourth date, fifth date, he might have better luck.

Hey, by the way, this is what we do. Welcome to the family.
Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Welcome to the family.
We have some family traditions over here. No, if your brother-in-law like is just starting to like work your shoulder, you got a tight shoulder, honey.
I'm like, get the hell away from me. What? No.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
No. I'm so glad you don't have any siblings now.
That's the first time you've ever said that to him. Oh, man.
It's a good thing you're an only child. Yeah.
It's the first time you've said that. Oh man.
Sid, thank you for coming up. Thanks for having me.
See you all soon. Be sure.
Oh, oh, take some, take some presents with you. Pass them out as you make your way back.
Again, this is why you want to go to the Google form and fill it out we love including listeners we love being able to ask questions the audience loves asking questions i mean people shout them out so submit the form so we can call more people on stage and include you in the chaos speaking of porn oh what that sounded like dad. Yeah, Jerry's just a plant in the audience.
Yeah. Trying to find his way up on the stage somehow.
So we do have an Am I the Asshole from someone in the room. Aubrey? Aubrey, where are you? Hello, Aubrey.

Would you like to come on stage while we read this?

Okay, get your ass up here.

See, this is why you do the homework.

Okay, so I'm going to get started while Aubrey makes her way up here.

Well, maybe not, because I don't want the mic to yell at us again, just in case. I'm kind of scared.
No, I don't know the words. You got it, girl.
You got it. Great segue into that.
Welcome. Okay.
Here we go. Am I the asshole for kicking my roommate of 14 years out of my house because she filmed porn in my bed? Wow, that was a good segue.
Unplanned, too. That was perfect.
Meant to be. Background.
I, female 32, have lived with my roommate, female 32, since college. We met as freshmen and have lived together ever since.
In 2020, I purchased a house and invited her to be a tenant. This is where the issues began.
While borrowing her computer to check my IG account, I noticed her secret IG account was open. The account was full of her boudoir photo shoots and hinting at other content.
I started going down the rabbit hole on her link tree. The link brings me to her Reddit page and OnlyFans.
While looking through some of the content, I noticed she filmed herself riding a dildo in my bed, in my office, on my couch, and my kitchen table. Wow.
Okay. What would you guys do if I just projectiled right now? I confronted her about her account, which she denied filming in common areas, so I set boundaries.
No filming in my room, common areas, and no men in the house to create this content. She can rent a hotel if needed.
The boundaries were ignored and she continued to use common areas. At least my bedroom was no longer used.
That you know of. In the meantime, she even stopped paying rent.
This occurred for over a year. The final straw was listing my house in an LLC for her OnlyFans business and listing an Amazon wish list for her clients but made our address public nope did was it, am I the asshole?

No.

Quit reading my screen.

No, I was just trying to go back to the first sentence.

I like, did you ask the question?

Cause I want to answer it.

No, you were not the asshole.

Do we need to switch seats, Lauren?

No.

She knows my strong opinion on internet safety and privacy.

So in June of 2023, I gave her six months to move out.

Way too nice.

I'm being nice.

You're very nice.

Way too nice.

During this time, she continued to not pay rent and took eight months to move out.

She stayed until February of 2024.

Was I being a petty asshole asking her to move out. She stayed until February of 2024.
Was I being a petty asshole asking her to move out? No. Wait, so when she denied you, when she denied filming in all those locations, what was the reason? Like, oh, it was a green screen.
Or like, how do you not? It's literally right there.

Oh, it was more or less.

I was like, hey, by the way,

I saw that you filmed in my bed.

And she goes,

she goes, Aubrey Lynn,

you watched my videos.

I was like, ooh,

throwing that middle name out there, you know?

So it got flipped on you.

It did, yeah.

That's so ridiculous.

I'm all for, like, you want to go on OnlyFans,

you want to get your coin, do it.

But you can't take advantage of people and then fuck in their bed

or, like, the dildo machine

or whatever it was in their bed.

Like, beds are, like,

those people's safe spaces.

Safe room.

Yeah, safe room.

And I do a travel job, so I'm never home, so she took reign of the entire house. And then didn't pay rent for one year, eight months.
I would take her to court. I would be so petty at this point, I would take her to court.
Yeah. Because you have a mortgage like you have shit you have bills you want to take care of yourself take her to small claims court also is she not making money she made a couple thousand on only fans a couple thousand every month on only fans she probably understated it too just so she would not keep paying rent.
I mean, who knows how much. Yeah.
She took advantage of you. Yeah.
Yeah, that's how I feel, too. And then she gaslit you to try to make you feel bad about her taking advantage of you.
Oh, and she doesn't see anything wrong with it, either. What's her name? She wants to talk about it now.
What's her name? Where's she at? I heard someone over here. What town do you live in? It's on the internet

You should be able to see it

Oh no

We don't want to give her any more money

Yeah, she becomes like

So rich that she pays you back

Wouldn't that be nice?

Thank you so much for sharing

Hey, thanks guys, appreciate it

Let's get into these Reddit stories Thanks, guys. Appreciate it.

Let's get into these Reddit stories.

How we doing?

We're hanging in there okay?

Okay.

How are you guys doing?

Okay.

Okay.

Does anyone want to take a shot with us?

Okay.

Where did that come from?

Well, it just felt right.

We usually save that for the late show,

but this is really fun with you guys.

This feels good.

So, for this first Reddit story.

And don't look at my screen, you weirdo.

Am I the asshole for considering leaving my wife after her affair with my dad came to light?

Knowing that it might destroy my family's dynamic.

That might destroy the...

So here's the situation. I, 26 male, recently found out that my wife, 32 female, of two years has been having an affair with my dad, 48 male, for about six months.
This revelation came from my wife, who confessed out of guilt.

My father also apologized for the affair.

To complicate matters further,

I discovered that my mom, 49 female,

was aware of the affair and was oddly okay with it.

Are they broken up? I mean, it's horrible regardless that she's okay with it. Are they broken up? I mean, it's horrible regardless that she's okay with it, but...
You know as much as I know. Okay.
My wife has been incredibly apologetic since the confession and wants to continue our marriage, promising it was a mistake and that she wants to fix things.

However, during our discussions, she admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad.

It's just things you can't come back from.

Oh, no, no, no.

It goes on.

Sorry.

She admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad more than with me.

Okay.

Yep.

There it is.

Why are we even writing this?

Why are we even here?

But let's make it work.

And mentioned that part of her love for me stems from the similarities she sees between me and my dad. Where's that person that says, kill him? Yeah.
This has left me feeling inadequate and betrayed on multiple levels. I'm contemplating leaving my wife.
But I'm aware this decision could completely dismantle the already strained relationships within my family. Ship has sailed on that one.

I'm conflicted because despite the hurt,

part of me still cares for her.

But I also feel like staying

could mean disrespecting myself.

Absolutely.

You have to leave. There's no other option.

The whole situation is a mess

and I'm not sure if walking away makes me

the asshole here.

Am I the asshole?

What type of gaslighting has he gone through

to even question this?

Am I the asshole if I leave my wife,

who is fucking my dad, and she likes him more than me,

and my mom knew, and she was okay with it?

Like, what?

Six months. Six months.
It wasn't a a one and done and then she felt guilty and then not only that but she doubles down and says i actually enjoy having sex with your dad more than you that was something you did not need to share no keep it to yourself and did i hear you right when she said and i like you because you resemble your dad yeah i like two things pop into my head hearing this i want to know how and like how like how this started how does that how does the first time happen the weird it's weird that the mom knew i'm out of is so true. But then I also want to know how the dad apologized.
What does that apology even look like? Like, hey, sorry, I've been sleeping with your wife. It's just sex, dude.
I'm so shocked that we're even writing this and that we're conflicted and that we're debating not hurting this dynamic further like it's done we're done you have to be done you have to be done but what's so interesting now that i'm like okay the mom was okay it. It's got me thinking like, is it better?

Because, or maybe, I don't know,

because like, if the mom's okay with it, maybe the sex with the mom isn't good. Or

it's just like, oh, it's one less thing off my plate.

You fuck him for me.

You know? Okay, so they

are still together. They're still together.

Yeah.

As far as we know.

It could be a cake. There's too many missing pieces

for this story. Like, I need

Thank you. By the way, I'm in a poly relationship with my wife, dad, and my mom's on the side cool with it.
I just don't understand how not one, but both parents could be so okay with absolutely ripping the heart out of their child. Yeah, real shitty.
Well, there's no comments from OP. Account has been suspended now.
Top comment on the post. What the fuck, dude? Have some self-respect and cut ties with all of them.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Love when the top comment just so succinct.
With a bow on top. What? Just wrapped up in a neat little bow.
I know. Yeah.
There's no other really good ones. Someone does say burn all the bridges and then set the river on fire.
Next comment. Then nuke it from orbit and move to another galaxy.
Yeah. Yeah.
That was not a good one. i i would not leave that peacefully i wouldn't just be like all right see ya i'd be like i'm doing some shit and then i'm gonna leave yeah i don't know what but give me give me some time and i'll.
Yeah, there we go.

That sounded like my dad,

but yet I feel like I just saw him this way,

but a lot of you have gotten a chance to meet my dad tonight.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

I love it.

I think we'll invite him up for this next one. What's that? Okay, what is the cup? You're drinking an alcoholic beverage? At a concert.
At a concert? I love that he calls me his concert. What is the drink? Margarita.
Margarita. I can tell it's the second one.
Wildin. He doesn't drink that often, so it is we're getting a wild side.
He's let loose in Nashville. He's been really fun.
Dad, will you pass our shots to us? None for you, Jerry. None for you, Glenn Coco.
He really let loose. He had a cabernet at the stage last night off Broadway.
Yeah, Jerry was dancing. Jerry got into it.
He was really letting loose. As in wine? As in the disgusting wine? Yeah.
Gabby, you'll get there. It's okay.
I, like, want to buy you a glass of wine now so I can just be like, what do you think of this Cabernet? No, well, we'll get there. You are in Nashville, Tennessee.
Here the word is white lightning. Moonshine.
Moonshine, baby.

We'll give you a little white lightning.

I like that. I don't know what language he's

speaking. Yeah, why are you saying it

like that? Just a teaspoon of white

lightning. That's all you need.

Have you had a little moonshine already?

Oh, I've done moonshine. No, but like

tonight. Tonight? No, not tonight.

Just the margaritas.

Back in my Kentucky days. Okay.
I do want to just call you out for something. I'm sorry? You told one of my friends that I met during the meet and greet that you would get in trouble for taking pictures with people outside.
No, no, no, no, no. When I say, would you like me to take a picture? And I go, Lauren loves to read me on that one.
Me? Yeah, because you would say, Jerry, what was out there? You want to take a picture? Want a picture with me? Want a picture with me? No, I would never get mad at you for that. I only get mad when I'm about to go on and then you're up on stage stealing the mic.
It did happen. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, this is, remember, remember who's, you know?'s...
Have you seen improvement? You've gotten a lot better. Yeah, you're doing great tonight.
You're doing great. We reserved all our hugs for outside.
Did we all get hugs? Did we all get love Do y'all get a story or two?

Yeah!

There you go.

Okay, well, we'll see if they like you as much after your take on this next one.

Oh, God.

By the way, I've been booed before.

I also feel like I need to clarify real quick.

I've never gotten mad at you for taking pictures with other people, ever.

I think what he's referring to is that my boyfriend was at one of the crowds

and he said, Jerry.

And he goes, you want a picture with me?

Yep.

I think he got those

confused. He said, no, I've

been there. No, he's like,

Jerry, it's me.

It's me, Brian.

I'm in here.

I think that's, what is that? Is that Hot Chick too? It's me it's me brian yeah i'm in here i think that's uh what is that is that hot chick too it's me jessica i'm in here we literally we were doing sound check tonight we're like boys are cheats and liars they're such a big disgrace does anyone know hot chicks okay okay thank god i recorded your mic check i was over there in the corner and i recorded it Oh, can't wait to see that. We had Morgan singing.
We had all sorts of things going on. I tried singing the national anthem.
It was a time. Lovely.
Let's get into this next one. Let's do it.
It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Choosing My Wife and Young Son? Son. Son.
Son. Lauren found this one, by the way.
I haven't read it yet let me start over am I the asshole for choosing my wife and young son over my grown daughter let's hear more I male 50 have a daughter Chris female 27 from my previous marriage I am now married to my wife female 45, have a daughter, Chris, female 27, from my previous marriage.

I am now married to my wife, female 45, and have a son, five.

Chris and I used to be very close, but as she has gotten older, I feel like we drifted apart.

Chris recently got married.

She and her now husband decided to do a child-free wedding.

Chris told me she wanted me to walk her down the aisle. I of course agreed.
Then about a month later, probably around eight months before the wedding, she told me and my wife that the wedding was going to be child-free. No exceptions.
I tried reasoning with Chris because finding childcare can be difficult.

And she said she gave me enough time

to find someone to watch my son for one day.

And that I am her dad.

And that one day is really important to her.

Well, we couldn't find child care. My wife was going to stay with our son while I went to the wedding, but I didn't feel comfortable with calling me a huge asshole because yeah because chris was heartbroken on her wedding day.
I explained to my ex-wife that I didn't feel comfortable leaving my wife and son alone all day. And that maybe Chris shouldn't have done a child-free wedding.
Chris and I haven't talked since, which was two weeks ago, and now she ignores my calls and texts. I feel like maybe I was the asshole.
Maybe. Am I? Question mark.
This dude's stupid. Thank you.
Okay, celeb guest up here.

You go first.

I mean, this is a no-brainer.

Okay, good.

Okay, so let's imagine Super Bowl shows up.

He gets two tickets for the Super Bowl for him and his wife.

Is he going to pass them up because he's worried about his child?

Oh, my God.

That was such a good.

That was really good.

Okay, these next couple are Am I the Asshole stories from our Irvine show from people in the room.

And while we might pick on our family a little,

we still love you all

and appreciate everyone sharing so, so, so much.

Also, with a Google form,

if you don't want to be called on,

you can remain anonymous the entire time.

So you can share no pressure to be exposed.

And there's a question for everyone.

One of my favorites I'm asking this to her

Thank you. You can remain anonymous the entire time.
So you can share no pressure to be exposed. And there's a question for everyone.
One of my favorites I'm asking this tour is what is the biggest red flag you missed? I'm blown away already by the responses, but enjoy these stories. Okay, so this one.
I feel like your dad advice will really come through and shine on this one. Am I the asshole for never telling my high school best friend that her boyfriend at the time tried to cheat on her with me? This is someone here that wrote this in? Yeah, Haley.
Oh, man. Haley, where are you? When we were in our early 20s, I had moved from my hometown and went back for a visit, staying with my friend and her boyfriend.
On the day I was leaving and packing my things, it was just me and him in the house as she was in class. He called my name, so I walked in his room, thinking nothing of it, to find him standing there with his dick out.
Oh's like not just trying to hook up with someone. That's absolutely disturbing.
Yeah, right? Yeah. The naked man only works on How I Met Your Mother.
Not in real life. And if it has worked for you, I will invite you up here to share anyone no i was shocked and immediately left the room and waited for my ride in the living room i remember him coming in to apologize before i left and i don't even remember what my response was i just remember feeling super awkward and uncomfortable they had been together for at least four years at this point Wow.
In my immaturity, I thought it would be better to never speak of it again, to save the friendship, because I didn't know if she would break up with him, if she would believe me, or what her reaction would be. Years later, after they broke up, I was passing through the town she's currently in, and we met for lunch.
She opened up to me that they had broken up sometime before because of many reasons and included that he admitted to cheating on her with multiple people during their time together. That was at least five years after the incident.
And I thought about coming clean at the time, but I felt like it had been so long and he was now completely out of the picture that bringing it up could do more harm than good. We see each other once every five or so years at this point, but we'll likely be lifelong friends.
Would you, at this point, see any benefit to bringing this up in the future? Time has passed. The time has passed.
Time has passed time has passed i mean what's the benefit of talent of saying the truth she may already know and she say look i'm just she's trying to respect our friendship and at this point if you said any if she was going to say anything it probably would have been at the time he did it so she would know what a dickhead he is. Yeah.
But at this point in time I don't think there's anything healthy that's going to come from it. Yeah, no I agree.
It could only be self-serving at this point. I think so.
Really on her end it's going to have zero effect. Back at the time it might have had a worthwhile effect and then it justifies it, but there's no need.

I would agree.

If he's for sure gone, done, out of the picture, no, don't tell her.

If he decides to pop back up, then maybe if it's the right situation,

but you really got to feel that one out.

He tries it again.

Can you imagine? What a weirdo. Then she could say,.
Can you imagine?

What a weirdo.

Then she could say, why did you shrink?

Here you go.

Off the rails. Age has not served you well.

Is this from personal experience?

I'm 66.

Every night I cry.

Oh, no. This took a turn.
I wasn't expecting. Okay.
Why did you want Jerry up for this one specifically? I feel like he just gives really good dad advice. And mostly for this next one.
This two sides that we have from a friend we met during our meet and greet phoebe which where are you hi okay i'm so sorry did you know she wrote in you did okay so so you know this is coming okay so how do you guys feel about valentine's day i like it i have a heart over here la Lauren loves it. A lot of you were very quiet.

I love the girl in pink was just like,

yeah.

Okay, so this one is a Valentine's Day dilemma.

My 21 female fiance, 27 male,

bought me a vacuum for Valentine's Day.

I know. Wait, I think that's kind of awesome.
Oh, it's you guys. Duh.
Oh my god. Oh my god, I just like blacked out and forgot that this is your story.
No, that's, I think that's awesome. What kind of vacuum was it? I love vacuums.
Leave it to Lauren to find the upside. I just bought a vacuum recently, a handbag, and my roommate was like, why did you buy a handbag? And I was like, what do you mean? Why did I not buy this earlier? They're amazing.
It's incredible. I know one thing, he'll never do this again.
First and last two Hot Takes Live show. My fiance, Nick, and I love listening to your show together and would love to hear your take on the situation we had this year on Valentine's Day.

Nick has been telling me for about two weeks

that he'd gotten me a really great Valentine's Day present

and couldn't wait to give it to me.

I was really excited and, of course, looking forward to it.

But when Valentine's Day came, the package hadn't arrived yet.

So he decided to just show me what he'd gotten me instead.

This man shows me a picture of a Roomba.

That's fantastic.

Brian, my boyfriend, take notes.

I would love a Roomba.

And tells me that I won't have to worry about asking him to vacuum the carpet anymore.

Win-win.

Did you just say win-win?

I don't like nagging Brian to clean.

This would be fantastic.

Just vacuum the fucking floor, bitch.

It's not that hard.

For context, I do most of the housework except for vacuuming. Because of my bad back.
I always have to remind him to do it. Needless to say, I was pretty upset about getting a vacuum on what's meant to be a romantic day.
It felt more like a gift to get out of cleaning, in my opinion. My fiancé understood my feelings, but insisted that he meant well and hadn't even thought about how giving me a vacuum for Valentine's Day could be offensive.
Looking back now, I do find it funny, and honestly am glad to have the vacuum, but what do you guys think? Am up first oh my god justin got booed and he's not over it first of all it was endearing though it was an endearing boo for sure okay first of all do i Do I to keep on the rails, or can I just be there? You can pop off a little. Okay, well, when somebody gets something to please themselves, I call that masturbation.
Yeah, you really did pop off. Yeah, and the next time you do something like that, you're going to be finding yourself with that in hand.
I will say that. Oh, my God.
But on the other side, as you were starting the story, I was actually feeling that because that you love her, that you were trying to make life easy and that she likes a clean house, and your intention was to help her out with that. I didn't really know it was to help you out with it.
So I'm glad you got it. I think it's great for you to have in your home.
But I really think it's time for you to go out and come up with an additional gift. And otherwise, in hand, buddy.
Did you get a cute card, though? Or like any type of little cuteness?

Just no flowers?

All you got was a...

We got flowers.

We got flowers.

Flowers is good.

Yeah, and you got a picture and it said with love, right?

With a big kiss.

You won't buy an appliance for next Valentine's Day.

He's no.

He's no.

He's no.

Okay.

Hey, to be fair to my guy down here you would have really

liked that okay not from you i've been asking my mom for a vacuum and it's kind of like an inside

joke thing my mom is like what do you want for your house what do you want for your house you

know you're moving in finally getting your own place at 30 what do you want i'm like a vacuum

vacuums are expensive that's what i'm saying roombers are like i would be really happy about

I'll see, a vacuum. Vacuums are expensive.
That's what I'm saying. Roombas are, like, I would be really happy about that.
Yeah, it is great. I'm gonna, Roomba's on my list too, but I was just telling her, I was like, I want the vacuum.
She's like, I'm not getting you a vacuum. She just like didn't want to because she was like, that's not something you get, I don't know, it's weird.
It's not fun enough. That's what she literally said.
She's like, I want to get you something, like, fun for you. And fun for her is, like, jewelry, because she's a jewelry gal.
But all I wanted was a vacuum. But if you would have gotten me a vacuum on Valentine's Day, I would have been a little sad.
Okay. It's like, you can, you gotta get me.
I guess I'll go hang out with you. Do you guys, do you guys go big, though, for Valentine's Day? mean like because like me and brian we just i mean he got me a nicer present than i got him but like it was they were both like pretty modest presents so i think it depends on what it is like we we're at this point we're five years in so we really talk about what we're gonna do for the holidays or birthdays or valentine's day like my birthday he, what do you want? I don't know what to give you.
I'm like, honestly, I want to go on Facebook Marketplace together, pick out some shit I don't need, and drive all over town and get it together. Like that's my idea of it.
It doesn't have to be expensive. It just has to like have thought, which I get Nick's gift was very thoughtful.
Like you're back. You can't vacuum because of your back.
I'm going to get you a vacuum. Get the Roomba, but then you still, Roomba's a fake.
She's like, it was his job though. It was his job, but a Roomba is a fake vacuum.
Like they, they don't get everything. So it's like the Roomba does the, like the small little maintenance, but you got to go do the deep clean still.
So you're not off the hook. Not off the hook.
We have stairs, too. You have stairs.
Okay, so you need to vacuum the stairs. Yeah.
There you go. Thank you guys for sharing.
It was very brave, especially sitting here in the front row. And everybody loves a vacuum.
Don't get yourself. I actually came home the other day, and I said, Morgan, look what I bought myself.
And what did she say? A vacuum. And what else did you say? It's a Dyson.
No,

you said something else. I wanted to

give you a vacuum. Oh, I had already bought you a vacuum.

So now we have an extra.

Anyways.

You're off the hook. I'm done? You did a great

job, though. Thank you.

And just, you know, I stayed, I didn't

go too far off the rails.

No, not too far.

Not at all.

Actually, like, turn it up a little bit because it entertains me, honestly.

Honestly, the masturbation line was great.

We might need that on a t-shirt next.

Okay, this next one is a Reddit story, also coming from Irvine, and it is juicy.

So this is coming from the best of Redditor updates, 17 hours old. Ooh, the spring chicken, spring chicken.
My husband wants everyone to know I'm not pure. It's exactly what the title says.
I've been with my fiancé for six years and engaged for the past eight months. I've been doing most of the wedding planning, but my fiancé, let's call him Ryan, will give his input here and there.
So about a month ago, Ryan, out of nowhere, said he was talking to some of his coworkers and thinks that I shouldn't wear a white dress. This was totally weird to me.
Ryan is a very artistic guy, so I figured this was more about how the photos would turn out or something along those lines. But I'm set on wearing white.
I told him this, and I could see that he was annoyed, but he let it go.

Two weeks ago, I finally picked and paid for my dress, and this caused a huge argument.

Ryan again came to me very annoyed.

He asked to see the dress I picked, but I said no because I wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding day.

He asked me to at least tell him what color it was and when I said white he threw a fit. I honestly do not see why this was a big deal.
Almost everyone wears white on their wedding day. When I asked him what color he thought I'd be wearing, he told me I should wear red.
Again, this was super weird to me. I asked him why I would wear red to our wedding, and he told me that brides only wear white when they are pure.
Oh, my God. Run! Run! Interesting how that's actually not factual.
There's zero stats around that, but go off. Woo-hoo! For some background, Ryan and I started dating when I was 21, and he had just turned 20.
He was a virgin when we met, and I only had one other person who was my ex-boyfriend of four years throughout high school. This caused a lot of problems the first year of our relationship, and we almost did not continue dating because of how insecure he felt after that first year it was never a problem again until now I

guess he went to his mom about all of this thinking she would convince me my Oh my god, please.

His mom...

It all makes sense.

But...

But...

She's on my side. A very rare mother-in-law win.
Yes, it's very refreshing. Wow.
What a wild way to try to publicly shame the person that you love. Sorry, you don't deserve white.
You actually have to do red because you're tainted. What the fuck? And when you say it like that, that like hurt.
I like I'm offended. Like, yeah, my feelings got hurt.
So two nights ago, Ryan, his mom and I stood in our living room and argued about my sex life being shown in a dress. His mom stated that he is no longer a virgin either, so maybe he should wear red too.
I was going to say that. I was like, break up.
Okay, Mom. Next wedding, all red, buddy.
All red. And, and, he bursted out crying.
Fucking bitch. Perfect.
Just like we mentioned before, you resort crying Right, ew Ryan is still stating that me wearing white Would be deceiving all of our guests And that it is different for guys I think on this one we need the year Is this one from the 1400s or the 1500s? The original post is from 2022. It's very modern.
And I scrolled up and I lost my spot. I'm so sorry, guys.
We're recording Morgan's debut single soon. It's been a long time coming.
I found it. This all has honestly made me question even marrying this man.
I don't know if it's just because everything is so fresh, but I'm really disgusted by him. He's not even religious.
So I know... What? Oh my god, I just snotted.
Wow. You're just violent for no reason.
You just woke up and you were like... Okay.
Easy A. I justified violence.
Yeah. So I know this is just about him still thinking about me losing my virginity at 18 before I even knew him.
I just needed to rant to anyone about how psycho this is. What do I do? There's no future.
There's no future. This is done.
Someone that's going to belittle you on what's supposed to be the most magical special day of your life that you're spending thousands of dollars for, likely. For what? You want to look more superior than me? You're not a virgin either, bitch.
Isn't it scary to think that it was a prom the first year and then it seemingly went away but it was still there the entire time and we just do not communicate? Yeah. I have something to say but I'm going to wait because I feel really bad I interrupted Alejandra so Wait, you didn't interrupt me? In a different story, I did.
That doesn't work like that. Take the mic, baby.
Love ya. Pass the mic to Lauren.
No. Go, Lauren.
No, no, no. I want to be the last to say something.
It's like I feel like I got cold called and i wasn't i wasn't prepared to answer so i'm gonna let you kick it off you got it lauren i'm sorry i keep taking your mic okay well what i'm thinking i don't know how many people here are familiar with every single episode but what this reminds me of so much is the episode where the girl got pulled into a room yes the hymen check thank you yes and the guy said I cannot marry you unless my dad and my uncle check your hymen. Yeah, we were.
Check your hymen to make sure that you have not had sex with anyone before me. And she laughed.
She's like, you're kidding, right? No. He said, my mom did it.
It's a part of our tradition. All the males in our family have to spread your legs and make sure that you have not had sex with anybody else.
That's what this is giving me. It's so weird.
I did too until the story. It does give that vibe because it's the same level.
Well, no, no. The hymen's obviously way worse.
It's literally assault. But at the same time, it's like you want to humiliate your partner for what? Like for what? You also should be wearing red then.
This is not the easy A movie. This isn't Scarlet Letter.
Do you want her up there with her dress saying I fucked him before this? Like what do you, what? Come on. I'm not a virgin.
I'll be wearing white. I'm not doing no cream yellow or whatever the bullshit is.
Like, come on. Even if...
Theoretically, I know it would never happen. Even if she did wear a freaking red dress, he still wouldn't be over it.
No. No.
This is going to be a link forever. No.
Nobody solves that. Totally.
He's clearly so insecure. And I don't know how you've been with him for five years.
And it was only noticeable in the first. Because maybe he hit it.
But that's what's fucking scary about people. I know.
Dude, Justin, you make a good point. Because honestly, he probably would look back at wedding pictures and be like, you destroyed all of our wedding photos because you had to wear red yeah yeah it just sounds truly goodbye so the top comment on the original post look if he's this insecure after six years together things are not going to improve yeah six years six.
If you don't...

I'm, like, really trying to, like, be the devil's advocate for him right now.

And I'm like...

I'm like...

But I'm trying.

I'm trying, right?

I'm an empathetic person.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.

No.

There's no way.

I can't.

Even if I put myself in hell, I can't justify this.

Dang.

I can't.

I like that. Ugh.
I can't. I like that.

Ugh.

I know they're not married but divorced.

Is he going to mention your impurity in his wedding speech?

Is he going to try to leverage this in your marriage

to get what he wants?

Yep.

Is he going to demand paternity tests for your children?

I'd seriously consider what you are signing up for.

Dude sounds messed up as fuck.

He needs therapy.

He does need therapy, that's for sure.

And it's not in a negative way.

Like, therapy, we love therapy in this house.

We all support therapy.

I need it.

You need it.

We all need it.

Love therapy.

So are we ready for the update? Yeah. I need it.
You need it. We all need it.
Love therapy.

So are we ready for the update?

Yeah.

Oh, that's my dad back there. Jerry, what are you doing back there?

I don't even, I can't even.

Wait, how can you see that?

Are you saying letters?

So he is chanting D, T, D.

Dump the dude. Dump the dude.
Dump the dude. He's really trying to make this.
It's a movement. It's like Gretchen and Fetch.
Not going to make Fetch happen. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.
But he's not far off. It is a good chant.
I like it. If he had a mic, I think it would have gone further.
So, okay, you guys. The original post was November 9th, 2022.
Okay? The update, March 7th, 2024. Last week, baby! Oh my god, love.
This is my update a little over one year later on the whole situation. I will start by saying I did not get married.
Ryan made that decision quite easy for me. I remember reading a comment that said, I had to already have been done with the relationship for me to move on so fast.
That statement was very true. We didn't read that comment, sorry.
As much as I want to be the bigger person and not slander Ryan, he deserves it. Throw him under the bus.
I won't get into all of our issues, but there are some big ones that I would like to address. The absolute deal-breaker for me had nothing to do with the red dress, but instead was all of the little lies that built up throughout our entire relationship.
I'm ready. Ryan is very smart.
I can't take that away from him. We actually met because even though I'm a year older than him, he graduated a year before me.
We had mutual classes. For someone so smart, he always got caught in dumb lies.
As far as I know, he never cheated on me. That was something that I know a lot of people assumed, but even now, I don't believe it.
There was never any big lie that caused massive drama, but rather a mountain of little lies that just always made me question why. He would lie to people about having allergies.
He would lie about stopping for food before coming home. He would lie about losing weight.
Parentheses, he is a healthy weight with a very normal build. He would just lie about so many things that did not matter.
My issue with this is I had absolutely no trust in the man over literally anything. I never held him back from doing things.
He never asked permission to do things. So him going out of his way to lie about meaningless things really made me start to resent him.
I do not think he ever talked to his coworkers about the dress.

I think that was another lie.

After telling him I did not want to be together anymore,

I asked him about everything that happened surrounding the wedding.

I got no real answers out of him.

And until this day, I have no real closure.

My best assumption is that he got sucked into misogynistic forums

surrounding purity and made up a story to bring it up to me. But what about him? Yeah.
Sorry. My intrusive thought.
Our breakup was pretty nasty since he talked about me a lot online. For the most part, I did have support.
no one ever reached out to me or threatened me, but it's still annoying having my feed filled with rumors. I cheated and broke up our engagement over nothing.
There was a lot of name calling as well. Apparently, I'm ran through.
I'm fat. I let myself go.
I look miserable without him. He's probably ugly, Ellen.
He's probably ugly. Yes, he probably is.
Eventually, he stopped on his own, as I never acknowledged any of it. Even with the online harassment, he never really fought to save our engagement.
I was actually hurt by how he seemed equally as ready to part ways. We have no contact with each other at all, but I do know the last month, he actually got engaged again.
Wear red, bitch. All I know about the girl is that she is 23.
To the guy, not the the girl i'll scroll up after i read the update

otherwise i'm gonna lose my spot on this ipad he was like a year younger than her i think yeah

all i know about the girl is that she is 23 a hardcore catholic and actually looks very sweet

for her sake i hope they work out. For her sake.
I hear my dad back there. Yeah, is that Jerry? For sure that was Jerry.
My dad, for those that didn't clearly hear it, I unfortunately did. I think he should run with the bulls in Italy.
Okay. I do not still talk to Ryan's mom.
I'm sorry to disappoint. She was very kind to me through everything, but for me to continue talking to her would be a bit weird.
I still got a happy birthday text and a Merry Christmas. That's very sweet, because that was a mother-in-law with a W.
I did have a date two weeks after I called off my engagement. Okay, okay.
That didn't go anywhere, and it was never meant to be. For me, the date was to just see if I felt any guilt for moving on, which I had none.
Perfect. Perfect.
I had a huge career shift two months ago,

and I'm now living in Philadelphia,

far away from all the drama.

I'm happy with where I'm at,

and he seems happy with his life.

I don't think I'll ever have to interact with him again.

I'm sorry for waiting so long to update.

There was just never really a right moment.

There are also probably many grammatical errors for whatever.

If anyone is interested, I do have pictures of the dress. Do you have it? No, she didn't share.
Oh, damn. She didn't share.
I'll check the username, though, just to be sure. Just to be sure.
Wow. Good for her.
We love a happy ending. I love ending the show on a happy ending.
doesn't always go like that I don't see a picture of the dress but yeah I can't believe he's engaged already I can I can too I can really? the freak of course she must be a virgin well yeah she's, she's Catholic. Girl, that doesn't...
It does maybe add up. What do we...
Literally someone yelling, they're Catholic, just puts my head in the Mormon soaking phase where people are like, soaking isn't sex. If you're not moving the bed, it doesn't count.
What's so crazy is that I learned about that later in life. I didn't know that was a thing.
How long ago? A month ago? Wait, I learned about that a minute ago when you said it. You learned about it how long ago? I'm today years old learning that.
Does anyone know? I'm right now years old. You've never heard about The Bachelor? Never.
He was, yeah. So one of our friends actually hooked up with him and he literally asked the tea the tea yeah you you guys all know who she is i'm not gonna say her name on here but like i know who it is i'm not gonna say her name but like yeah this guy that was like he won the bachelor this one season and then anyway that didn't work out clearly and he wanted to like soak

was that the name? Is that what it's called? Soak?

He asked to soak? Yeah like with our

friend. I don't, did they do it?

Do you know? No I don't

know. But she explained it cause I was like I've never heard of that before

and she's like yeah sometimes people go underneath the

bed and take the bed and rock it back

and forth because

which is so crazy to me like I was like

I didn't know that was a thing but apparently it is so yeah yeah yeah no no i don't think i don't think it's his thing yeah so apparently like was he a virgin was he saving it i don't know like i guess in his terms but apparently it's like the idea of sex is just like if you're making the motion yourself. But if you just like are there, apparently it doesn't mean anything.
And so, yeah, that's why they're like they'll have a third party that will shake the bed underneath. Which is so wild to me.
Like, I don't get it. I don't get it either.
I'm sorry. Just the tip.
It still fucking counts, unfortunately. And not to mention you have people in there moving the bed

yeah yeah that makes it more of an orgy like what yeah like an orgy if other people are involved that becomes orgy level which i think in the eyes of god is worse let us know And last but not least, because Chicago was incredible, we have a confession that blew everyone away, especially Chris Clemens. So enjoy.
Okay, this next part is the confessions. Yeah, everyone put their seatbelt on.
Don't worry, we will not be sharing any names.

I actually deleted them out of the column to make sure I didn't have any slips.

You're going to see why.

This first one.

I basically turkey basted my child.

And now I have a beautiful life married to the father.

Basically, I was in love with this guy. I knew before we even met on our first date.
Call me naive, but it felt like fate. About three to four months in, he wouldn't commit, but I didn't want to stop seeing him.
One night, we were hammered. After we did the deed, he put the condom into the box and threw it away.

You're in this room? That's crazy. We're in the same room.

I know. After he left, I went to the bathroom.

I saw it in the box and gave it to my intrusive thoughts.

I took the used condom and squeezed all I could onto my side.

It was like a go-kart.

That's how many of usgurt. That's insane.
That's insane. I had no idea it would work.
I didn't even know. I thought it might work.
Otherwise, I don't know why you're doing that. I'm just for shits and gays.
Do it for the pod. I didn't even know where in my cycle I was.
I was just like, ha ha. Can you imagine? I was so drunk when I did this that I forgot I had even had this mental break moment.
Well, imagine. Because I missed my next period.

At first, he was an asshole.

Obviously, shock and fear was apparent.

We agreed to get to know each other and just take things slow.

Eventually, he was spending the night more than not.

He moved in by the time I was five months pregnant.

He was telling me he loves me before I ever voiced it we fell more and more in love we had our child and have been together since we've had more kids have pets do homes or don't have a home do vacations We have fallen so deeply in love

And are each other's best friends

I have not told a single soul about this because I know it would crush everything. He's the best father, partner, friend.
But he would never trust me again. So here goes by one one person, I'm telling.
One.

She knew I was on here though,

right? I mean,

it was pretty clear on the floor what

was happening. She missed the instructions.

She thought she was just talking to you.

I used

to have this fear.

I was in my, you know,

New York phase. I've talked about it on the show a few times.
I think a lot of people have this fear when I was in my New York phase.

I've talked about it on the show a few times.

I think a lot of people have this fear.

Well, I often would find something to put it in and leave with it.

Because I was too nervous, and I'm not going to be the guy that flushes.

Because I don't want to fuck all the shit up.

I dated a guy that flushed, and every single time I was like,

you live too close to the beach.

That is going into that ocean, for sure. Yeah, so now, is that why the ocean is so salty? Yes, yes.
Sure. That is all that fun.
No, that's why Drake pours hot sauce into his mouth. Oh my god, no.
Oh my god, that chicken would have come out extra spicy. Wow.
It was the same thing, though. I had a friend who, like, everyone thought he was, like, perfect.
Like, just literally, they would call him, like, Kendall. And he, I think I talked about this on the podcast, but, like, he, till this day, will leave with his condoms.
They'll never ever let them stay in the girls garbage can and

Honestly, that's pretty cute

Your children is not dead

Make a mess and take it with you

I thought he was so crazy for that and now I'm like never mind

Never mind indeed

Up next...

I don't know. How do you follow that? Trust me.
We've got to get stuck. My husband found out his dad is not his dad.
He wanted to keep it a secret, but I told my sister-in-law, who's at the show. And she then told her husband.
She, of course, told brother-in-law, and he found out his dad also isn't his dad. No one has confronted the parents about this.
Found out they're sperm donor babies. Can't talk about this live, but email me if you want the full story.
Everyone in Chicago is connected, and we don't want anything getting back to the in-laws. What? A pair of blue balls.
What? Yeah. It's the final after the break.
It's turning into like Maury or Jimmy Springer. You really? It's too hot takes has now become paternity test village.
Something's happening here. This is wild.
Y'all are dirty birds here in Chicago. Thank you guys so, so much for joining me on this episode.
I know it's not traditional. I know it's a little different than what we usually do, and audio quality might not be up to my usual par, but thank you so much for being here.
And again, if you want more traditional episodes, more crazy Reddit stories, come over to Patreon. We basically have three full bonus episodes this month because I did an extra bonus episode for the Unhinged tier and coming in October, we are going to have more live show content.
There's so, so many more amazing

stories that we read. Every story on this last tour was just insane, made even more insane by

you guys all reacting. So again, hope to see you out on tour and thanks for joining me this week.