184: Live, Laugh, Live Show..

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Speaker 13 We cover a lot of hot takes on this show, but here's something that's just a smart take: staying in control of your body after unprotected sex.

Speaker 3 Enter Plan B: emergency contraception.

Speaker 6 It's safe, effective, backup birth control you take after unprotected sex to help prevent pregnancy before it starts.

Speaker 15 You have up to 72 hours after unprotected sex to take it.

Speaker 2 Sooner you take it, better it works.

Speaker 10 And anyone can buy it. It's legal and available in all 50 U.S.

Speaker 2 states at all major retailers.

Speaker 4 Follow Plan B on Insta at plan B1STEP step use as directed.

Speaker 18 Hi, friends.

Speaker 3 I know, I know I said no new episode this week.

Speaker 15 Well, no new episode in the traditional sense.

Speaker 22 If you want more traditional episodes recorded in studio, amazing quality audio, head over to Patreon.

Speaker 3 There is over five and a half hours of full-length bonus content this month.

Speaker 11 With some of the best stories I think we've had recently.

Speaker 3 I'm still sitting here scarred from the ones I read with Lauren, Justin, and Carrie.

Speaker 11 Yeah, basically three full bonus episodes this month if you go to Patreon.

Speaker 3 We've got Chris Clemens joining for a few stories. We've got some confessions that

Speaker 11 I never thought would see the light of day.

Speaker 3 And we've just got our usual chaos with some crowd noise, which is my favorite part of these live shows.

Speaker 22 Being able to hear your reactions instantly.

Speaker 11 Getting the booze that they're an asshole, getting the cheers that they are not the asshole.

Speaker 1 Live shows are a totally different experience.

Speaker 11 We've only got 11 shows on this upcoming tour, and it might be one of the last tours for quite some time because I gotta start wedding planning.

Speaker 3 So, if you can, be sure to come join us.

Speaker 11 The link to buy your tickets is also in the description.

Speaker 10 Hope to see you there and enjoy the episode.

Speaker 27 Let's dive in.

Speaker 6 This first story is coming from our New York live show at Grammer City Theater.

Speaker 3 It features Chris Clemens as our guest co-host.

Speaker 29 So, this first one, Lauren actually found, and I have no idea what we're getting into.

Speaker 30 I don't even know which one it is.

Speaker 31 And that makes two of us.

Speaker 29 It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Reporting My Husband Kink to the Police?

Speaker 33 Why'd you put my name behind this one?

Speaker 34 I'm clicking read more.

Speaker 29 I made an alt because I'm honestly concerned and I don't want him to know about this. So my husband has been getting very strange/slash creepy in the bedroom.

Speaker 29 I told him it makes me very uncomfortable, but I went along with it for a short period of time because he said it's the only thing that can get him off now.

Speaker 35 This is, yeah.

Speaker 34 Every day I'm embarrassed to be a man.

Speaker 33 I love how everyone's saying leave him, and we don't know what it is yet.

Speaker 30 She told the cops it's got to be bad,

Speaker 29 but I just couldn't continue with it anymore, and it's making me fear for my life.

Speaker 29 His kink is essentially to have me pretend to be dead and lifeless.

Speaker 34 I'm out.

Speaker 9 No, I'm out.

Speaker 34 Like, honestly, the only thing worse than necrophilia is having an alive person pretend, like, that's insane.

Speaker 9 Is it?

Speaker 9 He was like, hey, baby, my cake is play dead.

Speaker 9 No, they were just dead, I think.

Speaker 9 Like, I don't think they were alive.

Speaker 29 And he was like, there's another action.

Speaker 34 He drugged them. You're so right.

Speaker 29 And a man

Speaker 29 had too much serial killer.

Speaker 9 Ah, scary.

Speaker 9 Full body chills.

Speaker 29 I just couldn't.

Speaker 9 Oh, but wrong one.

Speaker 29 He didn't start this until recently, and it makes me worry about his mental state. He's also been getting a lot more angry and aggressive with me lately.

Speaker 29 I reported him to the police so he could get mental health help and so they could talk to him. He told me because I reported him I'm going to regret it.

Speaker 9 Oh god. Okay.

Speaker 37 Oh no.

Speaker 29 I don't even feel safe being in the same house as him anymore because ever since I reported him he has been giving me this chilling stare

Speaker 29 and I'm considering calling the police again to get him out.

Speaker 34 I have never wanted an update for a story so badly just to know that they're alive.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Like, it's like not even funny.

Speaker 29 There are a lot of other concerning things he's been doing lately, but I don't want to make this post too long, so that's the overall point here. Am I the asshole for reporting his kink?

Speaker 35 No, honestly, this is a situation where you leave in the middle of the night. We know goodbyes.

Speaker 9 Change your name.

Speaker 34 Turn the fingertips.

Speaker 35 This is the scariest shit ever.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 34 And do you know how much? Oh, sorry. No, you.

Speaker 9 got another one. You got it.

Speaker 34 You got it, babe. No, I just think, like, can you imagine being like how bad it was that you're questioning if you're wrong? That's like the part that's tripping me out.

Speaker 29 I'm sitting here, like, I'm one, I'm panicked because of the story. And two, I didn't find this one.
So I'm like, is there an update?

Speaker 29 Lauren, what did you do to us? I don't know.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 I didn't even think you'd read this one.

Speaker 9 Surprise. Carrie.

Speaker 33 It's like sending it to you for shits and gigs.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 29 Carrie, our amazing assistant that keeps this whole tour running, put it in here.

Speaker 29 Oh, and thank God she did because it is juicy.

Speaker 9 But

Speaker 9 what?

Speaker 29 Check the backyard.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 29 Top comment: being an asshole is irrelevant here. Leave now.

Speaker 29 Collect your documents, ID, birth certificate, passport, et cetera, and any money that you have and go to a safe location.

Speaker 29 If you have a friend that lives at an address unknown to your husband, go there. Otherwise, a hotel on a credit card he doesn't have access to.

Speaker 29 If he has access to all of your finances, go to a women's shelter. Block him on all platforms.
If you have location services shared, end it.

Speaker 29 Get a cheap new phone and throw away the old one far away from where you're staying. Do not respond to him no matter what.

Speaker 29 From experience, police cannot help you much in these situations, but still report anything he does so that you can build a case to use later if needed.

Speaker 29 I am very, very sorry this is happening.

Speaker 29 I'm on OP's account.

Speaker 29 There is comment, no update.

Speaker 29 OP says, thank you guys so much for the support. It really means a lot to me.
I'll just say, I would leave right now, believe me. I just have a few problems.

Speaker 29 I don't really have anywhere in my town that I can go because most of my family and friends live out of town or out of state.

Speaker 9 Time to go. Go there.
Go there.

Speaker 35 We're going out of state. Yeah.

Speaker 34 Like, let's, We're going on a road trip, girl.

Speaker 29 Also, our neighbors live miles out, and we live in a really rural area.

Speaker 9 Oh, God.

Speaker 29 I am kind of ashamed, to say the least, but I am also financially dependent upon him.

Speaker 29 So a hotel isn't an option right now. I don't have any money of my own unless he gives me an allowance.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 34 That is the first red flag.

Speaker 29 That's the way he wanted it since we first got married.

Speaker 37 No.

Speaker 29 I do have a degree, but I haven't used it. I have to plan out some sort of exit, like some suggested.

Speaker 30 Thank you again.

Speaker 29 God bless you all.

Speaker 35 This is literally a script to just the worst horror film I've ever seen.

Speaker 9 Okay, well, thank you.

Speaker 29 Someone asked how long ago it was, and I just looked at the account.

Speaker 29 This was all posted four months ago, and we don't have an update.

Speaker 29 Don't worry, I'm literally going to get on the chat right now and send a message. Thank God I'm connected to the Wi-Fi.

Speaker 29 I know, like, no, I will literally send her a fucking Visa.

Speaker 9 No, literally, I'm literally marching.

Speaker 35 We all march at dawn. You can't take us all on.

Speaker 29 What should we say?

Speaker 29 Hi there, checking in to see if you're okay.

Speaker 9 Alive.

Speaker 29 Happy to mail you some sort of.

Speaker 29 What do you call it?

Speaker 29 No, but what do you call this?

Speaker 9 Like the Visa gift card or something?

Speaker 29 Like the Visa? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 34 I mean, fuck, I'll pick her up. I'll go fly and get her.
And like, we'll.

Speaker 34 And this is like an actual emergency, it feels.

Speaker 41 No, this is directly.

Speaker 29 What the fuck is this?

Speaker 9 Somehow.

Speaker 34 I'm like, uh.

Speaker 9 no, that never should be said.

Speaker 34 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 9 No, I will get in a spritzer van with your ass.

Speaker 34 I can't believe I'm saying this. I wish we were in L.A.
to have some sage.

Speaker 9 Some bitch would have it.

Speaker 34 This is crazy.

Speaker 29 Honestly, Chris in a cape, though, just, I can envision that.

Speaker 9 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 34 It's like blowing.

Speaker 34 Picture it.

Speaker 35 I mean, I can honestly see you in that situation.

Speaker 35 I'm not, not to make light of it, but if you were there picking her up and she's coming out, oh, I forgot something in your house, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 9 I'm like, I don't care what it is.

Speaker 34 If it's an original Picasso, I'll find another one.

Speaker 9 Like, get the fuck out of here, bitch.

Speaker 34 That is, like, that is just so scary.

Speaker 29 Okay, well, message has been sent. Everyone in this room, put a little prayer, good juju, good vibes, whatever you believe in, up.

Speaker 29 Let's hope we hear back.

Speaker 30 I feel bad for picking this up, but then again, so many of you guys have told me that you listen to all those murder podcasts.

Speaker 9 So I'm like, this can't be that bad, right?

Speaker 29 Let's just all pray.

Speaker 44 Let's just pray about it.

Speaker 29 Amen.

Speaker 34 Like, yeah, I've never been so willing to join a prayer circle. I'm like, let's fucking go, God.

Speaker 29 Let's go. No, like, everyone hold hands.
The minute we get a response, I will be like, hey, Gray Mercy Theater, can I get the email list so we can let everyone know she's okay?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 29 But okay.

Speaker 29 Moving along.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 34 I'm like, wow, that's a fucking crazy start.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 29 I'm going to give you guys a choice on this next one, okay? Because

Speaker 29 one other story tonight does also involve a kink. Do we want to stay on the kink train?

Speaker 9 Or

Speaker 29 do we want just like

Speaker 32 just a mix-up?

Speaker 28 I don't even know if it's lighter, just but just mix it up a little bit.

Speaker 11 Mix it up.

Speaker 29 Let's hear it for kink.

Speaker 29 Let's hear it for mix it up.

Speaker 19 It was too even.

Speaker 45 It was really even.

Speaker 33 We got to do that again one more time.

Speaker 29 You got it, learn.

Speaker 30 Okay, ready, guys?

Speaker 46 Kink?

Speaker 33 Mix it up.

Speaker 36 Kink.

Speaker 33 You guys are good, but I think Kink won.

Speaker 9 I think the kinks have it.

Speaker 35 Slim margin.

Speaker 9 I almost said that. We learned nothing.

Speaker 35 I almost said we should pass around the mic.

Speaker 35 I was going to say show and tell our kinks, but I meant tell, but imagine what would happen.

Speaker 34 Let's leave it to our imaginations.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 18 This next story is also from New York.

Speaker 16 Apologies.

Speaker 2 This was the very last story of the very last show.

Speaker 16 So my voice is basically gone.

Speaker 47 Gone.

Speaker 16 But it is a really, really good story. So enjoy it.

Speaker 29 So I'm going to give you a choice on this last one, okay?

Speaker 29 Today, I fucked up by not telling my doctor how many Tic Tacs I eat per day.

Speaker 9 Or

Speaker 29 I destroyed my ex-boyfriend's Lego sets and gave him one week to move out after he threw away my teddy bear.

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 34 that's a YouTube video I'd watch.

Speaker 30 The second one. Second one?

Speaker 9 First. First one?

Speaker 34 Exactly. Right.
No, shh, you're wrong. It's the first.
It's the second one.

Speaker 29 Here we go, baby.

Speaker 29 I'm sorry, Grammar C. I'm gonna try to read fast, but

Speaker 9 okay.

Speaker 29 We all know the title.

Speaker 9 I'm not gonna read it again.

Speaker 29 I just need to vent.

Speaker 29 I, 24 female, have been living with my 25 male, now ex-boyfriend, for about eight months. I have a teddy bear that my grandmother gave to me when I was younger.

Speaker 29 It has no monetary value, but the sentimental value is more important.

Speaker 29 When I was eight, she gave it to me while she was struggling with cancer.

Speaker 29 Oh, God.

Speaker 29 It was stage four and spread quickly, and there was nothing they could do.

Speaker 29 She gave me a teddy bear and told me to take care of it. And I could talk to the teddy bear whenever I missed her.

Speaker 29 She got one of those talking mics in it.

Speaker 29 And it would say, quote, I hope you're feeling loved today because I love you more than all the stars in the

Speaker 29 sky and all the fish in the sea and you and you mean the world to me.

Speaker 9 I'm like,

Speaker 9 I'm crying all the time. This is cruel.

Speaker 29 I hate that you guys picked this one now. I forgot how fucked it was.

Speaker 9 Okay, where are we?

Speaker 29 She would say that all the time to me when I would spend the night.

Speaker 29 He knows how much it means to me. I told him

Speaker 29 he's seen me hugging the bear and sitting outside to talk to my grandma when I was sad or just needed to vent without judgment or even a response. Two days ago, he decided that it was raggedy

Speaker 29 and quote,

Speaker 29 not appealing to look at.

Speaker 29 This one sucks.

Speaker 29 I can admit, Bear Bear has been through it.

Speaker 29 I carried it around with me everywhere for two years. He would go in my book bag when I went to school, went to dance class with me.

Speaker 29 He even went out of town when I I had cheer meets when I got into high school. My cousin pulled out one of his eyes when I was 10, and he's missing an arm when my brother got mad at me and cut it off.

Speaker 9 But it was,

Speaker 29 but it was sewn back on and then ripped off again. You guys get it.
But he was mine.

Speaker 29 Did I mention this coming from the two uptakes? So read it. Like, this is one of us.

Speaker 9 Oh my God.

Speaker 29 I found a button that was exactly like his from some bear at Goodwill and was going to sew it in as his eye. I went to my room.
We have separate bedrooms.

Speaker 29 I can decorate my space how I want and have my workspace, and the same for him, but we always sleep together.

Speaker 29 I just never had my own room and have always been living alone for two years, so I just want to keep that for a while. I went in there to do it, and he wasn't on my bed.

Speaker 29 I went scouring for him for hours

Speaker 29 and

Speaker 29 he watched me.

Speaker 29 I started to cry

Speaker 29 because that was the last thing she gave me and she made it special for me.

Speaker 29 He finally told me after watching me struggle for hours, He threw it away because it was disgusting and he hated coming in my room and seeing it.

Speaker 34 Warm up my cell in that maximum security prison.

Speaker 9 Fight me, bitch.

Speaker 29 I got so mad, and I felt so betrayed.

Speaker 29 He likes to spend time on Legos and building them. He built the Eiffel Tower, the Harry Potter Tower, a cherry blossom tree, and dozens of others.

Speaker 29 I went to his room and I destroyed them all.

Speaker 29 I threw the pieces around the room and out the window and into the garbage.

Speaker 29 He came in screaming at me and saying, How dare I touch his things?

Speaker 34 I'm so pissed.

Speaker 34 Don't fuck with grandmas. Don't you fucking dare.

Speaker 34 I'll put a Lego in every orifice of your fucking body, bitch.

Speaker 34 Sorry.

Speaker 29 He bought them with his own money and he spent hours on them.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 29 I told him to get the fuck out and spend hours rebuilding in someplace else because I'm done with him.

Speaker 29 That is pretty good.

Speaker 29 He started telling me I was overreacting and whatever else. I forgot a lot of the argument because I was pissed.

Speaker 29 I told him he had one week to get his things out and move out, but he wasn't staying here while it happened. He started telling me that I couldn't do that and he would paid and he paid bills.

Speaker 29 I told him I really don't give a shit and he'd get out or I'd call the police.

Speaker 29 We have mutual friends, and he has told them a completely different story

Speaker 29 Because two of them have texted me asking how could you do that to him

Speaker 34 to quote Wendy Williams death to all of them

Speaker 29 And I really don't care to clear it up in the moment. I didn't feel bad and now I kind of do because

Speaker 29 That's his hobby

Speaker 29 and I get

Speaker 29 I was so hurt and betrayed by what he did. He's even called me a few times saying he'll get me another bear.

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 34 Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 29 And we can work on things and don't throw away three years over a mistake.

Speaker 9 Oh, my God.

Speaker 34 Don't throw away my Nana's 98-year-old teddy bear.

Speaker 33 Oh, my God.

Speaker 33 He's lucky that he had Legos for her to destroy because I would be burning his house down.

Speaker 34 I would have taken fucking scissors to his dick. I mean, it would have been game.
I'm not kidding. You don't play when it comes to my grandma.

Speaker 9 Yeah. No.

Speaker 29 Mic drop. No.

Speaker 29 No.

Speaker 9 I'm.

Speaker 29 I love my grandma. Like, my grandma is literally my favorite fucking person.

Speaker 29 And I've been working... Oh, I can't even think about her being gone.

Speaker 9 No, we can't go down there.

Speaker 29 But my grandma and me are working on like a recipe recipe book together.

Speaker 29 And if someone took that recipe book and like threw it in the trash because they were annoyed by it, I honestly, I would stab them with a pair of scissors. Rusty scissors.

Speaker 48 Get tetanus, bitch.

Speaker 35 If that shit fucking happened, I would stab them before you.

Speaker 35 Listen, I'm calling the police. All of my hands out.
I'm ready. 25 to life.
Let's go. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 51 You and Chris together in the sun.

Speaker 9 You fucking do life.

Speaker 34 You fuck fuck with my grandma, my family, me. You're done.

Speaker 29 You guys,

Speaker 29 the top comment on the post: I'd leave him. My husband folds my baby blanket and puts it under my pillow when he makes the bed.
I'm a middle-aged woman with children. To be loved is to be seen.

Speaker 29 Like, your partner should fully embrace you and all of you.

Speaker 29 This is a fucking teddy bear. This is, this is bear bear.

Speaker 29 This is not a fucking couch and a beetle guy going under it. This is not a poop knife.

Speaker 9 This is not a coconut.

Speaker 29 This is bear bear.

Speaker 9 My god.

Speaker 33 The voice recording, too. Like, that's what would really fuck me up.
Like, you threw away that voice.

Speaker 21 I just, oh.

Speaker 29 you guys

Speaker 29 there's an update is there an update we have an update

Speaker 29 okay

Speaker 29 I will just say like

Speaker 29 he's dead oh this has been a really emotional wild ride for me because Lauren actually found this one and I didn't know any of this that was gonna happen I'm like sitting here I'm like

Speaker 9 what the fuck is this story this was a dark one to give them to choose.

Speaker 19 I'm so bad.

Speaker 29 But like, thank God you guys stole, like, just not stole. Chose this one now.

Speaker 9 Stole?

Speaker 29 And I'm looking at the clock. I'm so sorry, Venu.
I know I'm over time.

Speaker 9 I'll pay. I really will.

Speaker 34 Sorry. This is like therapy lately.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 I'll pay.

Speaker 9 Okay. Update.

Speaker 29 I want to say thank you to all the people who told me not to give up on finding my bear because I went out to that dumpster for three hours hours with my sister, my best friend, and even a neighbor came down to help when I told them what happened.

Speaker 29 And I fucking found it.

Speaker 29 I am so relieved and beyond happy. Also, I love all the men calling me crazy, and he dodged a bullet, and I committed a crime, and he should call the police and take me to court.

Speaker 9 A crime? What?

Speaker 34 Then they should finish middle school.

Speaker 29 As if he didn't throw away my property because he didn't like my property and my personal space.

Speaker 29 He is lucky that's all I did and I didn't sue him for it.

Speaker 9 Oh, this fucked up.

Speaker 22 Does this make you emotional because of what just happened the other day?

Speaker 30 You guys, Justin was in the the dumpster.

Speaker 29 I didn't, that did not even

Speaker 42 throw the dumpster.

Speaker 33 I come outside of the venue and

Speaker 29 okay. Well, we need to give them a little more context.

Speaker 33 I wanted to like kind of put it out there and then have you finish.

Speaker 29 Okay, so

Speaker 9 this is Lauren.

Speaker 29 This was not, I didn't even cross my mind, and now I'm going to cry more. Sorry.

Speaker 44 Okay, never mind.

Speaker 33 Let's rewind.

Speaker 1 We're going to take it back.

Speaker 29 So I have a pony.

Speaker 42 Okay, sorry, let me do it.

Speaker 34 Okay, I'll, I do want me to handle it or Morgan got a really sentimental gift and we couldn't find it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, so pretty much we dumpster.

Speaker 34 We dumpster dove. Justin did way more than I did.
I went through one thing while going,

Speaker 34 Justin was like in the trenches.

Speaker 9 Literally,

Speaker 9 through the dumpster. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah, you guys.

Speaker 46 I have a video of it.

Speaker 42 I'll post it on my story afterwards.

Speaker 33 It's truly beautiful.

Speaker 29 I don't know if I've ever cried this much at a show. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 9 But yeah,

Speaker 29 my pony is not doing very well. So to like get this gift from someone, it was my pony carved in bronze.

Speaker 29 I lost it.

Speaker 54 It was beautiful.

Speaker 55 And I set it down on a chair.

Speaker 29 I walked away for two seconds. I came back to grab it and it was gone.

Speaker 44 And we started going through the dumpsters.

Speaker 29 But luckily, I sent an email to the guy and I go, Please let me know if it gets found.

Speaker 29 And luckily, he texted me yesterday and he goes, Morgan, your pin was found.

Speaker 23 We have it.

Speaker 29 But it was very emotional because my pony is in the emergency vet hospital right now. But he's doing better, but not where I wanted this story to go, but it's okay.

Speaker 9 Sorry.

Speaker 29 But the beautiful part is that Bear Bear was found.

Speaker 42 And the horsey pin was found.

Speaker 29 OP ends it. Anyways, I found him.
He's drying. I'm going to sew the button in over the weekend.
My dad and brother will be here when my ex comes to get his shit. And that's it.

Speaker 34 I'm so fucking mad. I'm really ready to commit a crime.

Speaker 35 Like, I'm glad you found it, but I'm still sad that he's just out, you know, building his Legos and doing that.

Speaker 34 I hope he literally literally either steps on all the Legos or never finds the one to finish Hogwarts. I hope he rots in Azcaban and his

Speaker 9 Hogwarts. So specific.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 29 I hope when he goes to hell, because he will.

Speaker 34 I'll greet him. That's the worst part.

Speaker 29 No, you fucking won't because you are one of the most magical kind

Speaker 9 humans I've ever met.

Speaker 38 He's incredible.

Speaker 34 Backfire.

Speaker 29 Chris Clemens is as amazing as he seems online.

Speaker 9 He is

Speaker 9 a beautiful fucking soul.

Speaker 29 But when that fucker goes to hell, every single minute of hell, he will be walking over exposed Legos on the ground. Because if you've ever done that, you know it hurts.

Speaker 29 But on that note, that's all I got for you guys.

Speaker 34 This really ended in a compromising way.

Speaker 9 Like, I think I committed like five crimes just verbally.

Speaker 34 I'm like, well, that was all alleged.

Speaker 29 Allegedly.

Speaker 9 Apparently.

Speaker 34 Apparently, allegedly. Allegedly load a gun and shoot him.

Speaker 29 I feel like after that last story and my personal connection to it, I need another shot.

Speaker 15 This next story is from our Minneapolis live show at Varsity Theater.

Speaker 12 It is coming from AITAH.

Speaker 18 It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Telling My Girlfriend That My Ex-Wife Was Titer?

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 60 My heart's pounding.

Speaker 9 I'm upset.

Speaker 59 You're already heated over here.

Speaker 41 I, male 39, hate it when people make fun of others.

Speaker 13 I mean, I know that people can gossip and talk amongst friends about other people, and I'm guilty of that too.

Speaker 61 But I got very upset when my girlfriend, female 32, started.

Speaker 28 This episode of Two Out Takes is brought to you by Wayfair.

Speaker 62 This is not your first rodeo.

Speaker 23 After all of the wild and somewhat uncomfortable stories we read on this show, one thing's for sure.

Speaker 10 Life can be unhinged.

Speaker 6 That's why your home should be your calm, comfy, happy place.

Speaker 11 And Wayfair totally gets that.

Speaker 17 My happy place includes a nice sofa, an ottoman to kick my feet up on, and a blankie.

Speaker 10 You guys know I love a blankie.

Speaker 6 And I love pieces that look good and are gonna last.

Speaker 54 And that's what I've gotten with Wayfair.

Speaker 6 A lot of my studio furniture is even from Wayfair, and they delivered it, came in, set it up.

Speaker 16 It was seamless.

Speaker 15 And I'm even trusting Wayfair for the lounge furniture for our wedding.

Speaker 6 So whether it's furniture, storage solutions, decor, you can get it all in one place at Wayfair.

Speaker 5 Shop everything home at Wayfair.com with free and easy delivery straight to to your door.

Speaker 9 That's WAYFAIR.com.

Speaker 2 Wayfair, every style, every home.

Speaker 22 Talking about my ex-wife, female 42.

Speaker 11 I understand that disliking an ex isn't abnormal or anything, but my girlfriend is obsessed with my ex-wife and always tries to make bad remarks about her.

Speaker 15 When it is just to me, I don't care because again, people can gossip and talk shit about others in the privacy of their own homes.

Speaker 19 But

Speaker 13 this time, it was at a restaurant with some of her girlfriends and their spouses.

Speaker 15 Somehow, the discussion became about my ex-wife's vagina.

Speaker 15 Yeah, don't ask me how, but they were discussing childbirth and body changes, age, et cetera.

Speaker 40 And my ex got dragged.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 11 My girlfriend was a bit drunk and she was talking loudly.

Speaker 4 I hated it, and I asked her to stop talking.

Speaker 11 When I get upset, she doubles down because she starts thinking, Why do you care?

Speaker 40 Why don't you want me to talk shit about your ex?

Speaker 15 She has actually told me this before.

Speaker 11 Now she was talking about how my ex-wife must have a huge one.

Speaker 6 We have two children together, female four

Speaker 22 and male two.

Speaker 48 The girls started laughing and saying, Ew.

Speaker 32 I yelled to stop, but they ignored me.

Speaker 43 Then my girlfriend told me, Why are you so agitated?

Speaker 15 Did we hit a nerve?

Speaker 62 I said, Actually, no.

Speaker 11 My ex was the tightest woman I've ever had.

Speaker 61 I don't know how she managed it, but she is very, very tight.

Speaker 28 They became silent, and my girlfriend started crying.

Speaker 50 Then the women started yelling at me, and their spouses were somewhere between amused and scared.

Speaker 50 Then one of the spouses said, Yeah, I don't think childbirth really affects this.

Speaker 28 I haven't noticed the difference with the women I've dated.

Speaker 28 I felt gratitude, but I was still being yelled at, and my girlfriend has not called or answered me since Saturday.

Speaker 59 I am so tired.

Speaker 9 Oh my God.

Speaker 33 Do you want to take this first?

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 35 I mean, I'm a little embarrassed in the sense that there's some people here that I would never have these conversations with.

Speaker 9 I know we have a lot of family here.

Speaker 35 I'm trying to get the disclaimer before the show, So I guess here it is.

Speaker 50 Oh my God, you didn't warn them?

Speaker 9 I tried. I don't know.
How do you warn someone?

Speaker 65 Oh, by the way, we're going to talk about tightness.

Speaker 33 I guess we don't know what's going to come up here. Yeah.

Speaker 9 You don't know what you're going to read to us.

Speaker 66 I should have warned them, and I definitely didn't.

Speaker 64 I'm so sorry, mom.

Speaker 35 But anyway, I think the second you have a sentence like,

Speaker 35 When I start getting upset, she doubles down.

Speaker 35 I don't think, you know, this is much bigger than this conversation. It's much bigger than this topic coming up in front of everyone.
It's just, it could have been about anything, any sensitive topic.

Speaker 35 And it's when you start doubling down when your partner seems upset because you're trying to keep pushing that narrative, there's a bigger issue here.

Speaker 35 So, you know, the fact that she's not responding might be a good thing.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 33 I personally can't believe that the title of this

Speaker 33 went from me feeling sick to my stomach to being like,

Speaker 33 like, because here's the thing, like, this is the mother of his children, and his children, you would hope he really loves.

Speaker 33 And to say that because she gave birth to his children, that she's gross now, that is so messed up that there's just, there's no excuse.

Speaker 33 Yeah, sure, you can be jealous of an ex, but that you're taking it too far. And I obviously it was maybe like a little

Speaker 33 it kind of like maybe it was a little mean for him to say that but like at that moment he was backed against a corner and I just think that like she needed that wake-up call and so I actually am not mad at him for saying that to her I am not mad at all

Speaker 68 I actually love

Speaker 20 this

Speaker 28 and I I know like you're supposed to defend your current partner and have their side but when they're relentlessly trolling someone that has nothing to do with them anymore, like him defending his ex-wife honestly gives green flags.

Speaker 15 Like I actually really appreciate that.

Speaker 9 And people would be like, why?

Speaker 28 He is unwilling to let his ex-partner, mother of his children, be dragged through the mud for no reason.

Speaker 15 And it's like, yeah, they're together now,

Speaker 10 but you could not be. And what if you have a kid with him?

Speaker 15 And this is the next lady talking about you.

Speaker 9 Like,

Speaker 9 it's, it makes me feel god the bar is in hell but a little hopeful like i'm like yeah defend her and her type vagina yeah

Speaker 33 yeah i mean i think that there's a lot of like little petty things that you could like you know like chirp to like your ex or to your current partner about their ex and it not be that serious but like this just feels this feels like a crime against females you know what i mean like i was gonna to say she's giving pick-me.

Speaker 48 Yeah, like it just, she is giving pick-me.

Speaker 43 Like, oh my God, she must have a huge one.

Speaker 41 Unlike me, I'm so tight.

Speaker 71 Like, how was it?

Speaker 41 She's giving pick-me.

Speaker 68 Yeah, it's, it's pretty crazy.

Speaker 35 Well, and it seems like it's been building up. And this is the final just outlet where he's just had enough.
And it's just like, all right, you're going to do this in front of everyone out tonight?

Speaker 35 Well, here's what I have to say.

Speaker 9 So I like it too.

Speaker 28 I know. And the chorus of, ew,

Speaker 54 like, how fucking old are you? There's pelvic floor therapy, bitches.

Speaker 20 I know.

Speaker 28 I met my little OBGYN nurse here tonight.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 50 The one comment he does include in this that does freak me out too is, my girlfriend is obsessed with my ex-wife.

Speaker 9 Why?

Speaker 59 Like, that is, that's so weird.

Speaker 24 And the fact that they have to, like, co-parent, you don't want someone like that around your kids.

Speaker 7 yeah. They're gonna pick up on her hostility and all the shit she's talking.

Speaker 35 Yeah, you want them to have a good relationship with her, I mean, just for the good of the whole situation. But if you're that threatened, then

Speaker 35 you know, let's get rid of you.

Speaker 9 Let's get rid of you one way or another.

Speaker 58 Top comment on this one: this whole situation sucks.

Speaker 28 If you're co-parenting with your ex, your girlfriend should know that part of dating you means having a cordial or at least neutral relationship with her, at least in front of you.

Speaker 28 She has way crossed the line.

Speaker 26 This is not somebody you can have around your kids.

Speaker 22 She's ghosting you.

Speaker 9 Cool.

Speaker 28 Saves you the trouble.

Speaker 9 True.

Speaker 50 I like it.

Speaker 15 There is another comment, one that OP responds to.

Speaker 28 This is such a lack of respect for your ex-wife, but also for your feelings, that I hope that you have already broken up with your girlfriend.

Speaker 26 Being drunk is not an excuse to discuss other people's genitalia in public.

Speaker 47 What else is she okay to discuss aloud when you're not around?

Speaker 15 She won't change because she is jealous and insecure of your ex.

Speaker 28 O.P. responds: While writing this post, I literally thought, What am I doing?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Yeah, I realized I am done.

Speaker 29 I am tired.

Speaker 7 I'm packing her shit in a box and leaving it in the hallway.

Speaker 35 Happy ending.

Speaker 9 That is a happy.

Speaker 31 What does that mean?

Speaker 9 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 50 My dad must be out in the wild by you guys, huh?

Speaker 33 Oh, man, Jerry.

Speaker 22 Oh, man.

Speaker 33 Also,

Speaker 2 where is Carrie?

Speaker 9 Can I allege?

Speaker 9 Come on out, Carrie.

Speaker 9 Carrie's got those drinks.

Speaker 33 Usually, I kind of lost track of time because we start a little bit later.

Speaker 59 And so I did.

Speaker 28 But let's get it straight.

Speaker 26 We had to make sure everyone was in the door.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 33 That's why. It's because of you guys, not us.

Speaker 9 I don't want

Speaker 46 the bad vibe.

Speaker 33 But I didn't have a drink in hand, and I'm like, this is so weird.

Speaker 61 Usually

Speaker 33 when I'm coming out here, I'm spilling all over myself.

Speaker 9 And now I'm just like twiddling my thumbs.

Speaker 66 Lauren got smoked by a door.

Speaker 9 Oh my God. Yeah, tell them.
Smoked.

Speaker 69 Tell them.

Speaker 50 The Tempe show had double swing doors and

Speaker 28 they were holding it for me and Justin.

Speaker 9 Not me.

Speaker 69 They didn't know Lauren was a part of the crew somehow.

Speaker 62 Even though she was at sound check.

Speaker 5 And that door just bam,

Speaker 9 champagne glass shattered, shattered champagne all over Lauren. And then,

Speaker 35 well, she had these really light pants on.

Speaker 35 I looked like I pissed myself. So we're standing side stage, and the intro video is playing, and it ends.
And I'm like, Lauren, you gotta go.

Speaker 65 And she's like, looking down. She's like, what do I do?

Speaker 72 What do I say?

Speaker 9 And then she just got out there and we did it.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 28 The show must go on.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Are we ready for our first guest of the night?

Speaker 15 Okay, please welcome my lovely sister-in-law, Amy, to the stage.

Speaker 18 You have some presents.

Speaker 43 Justin also has presents while Amy gets settled.

Speaker 29 Oh my god. Well, Amy,

Speaker 9 not for you, Amy.

Speaker 50 Amy's like, it's for me.

Speaker 23 This next story is also from Minnesota, but it has a special guest, Sid, from Well Said podcast.

Speaker 28 You've seen Sid in the past.

Speaker 11 She used to go by straight candid.

Speaker 1 She is an amazing co-host, so be sure to go check out her podcast.

Speaker 39 This next one is titled, Boyfriend, 25 Male, and his sister-in-law, 28 female, snuck out to the beach at 3 a.m.

Speaker 9 Oh, hell no.

Speaker 67 Hard no already. No, no.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 43 Okay, so last night happened.

Speaker 28 We've been together for a year.

Speaker 61 We were visiting his parents' house, who live by the beach, and his brother was also there with his wife.

Speaker 28 We stayed there last night, and at around

Speaker 1 this episode is brought to you by Kraft Mac and Cheese.

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Speaker 13 Because while Kraft Mac and Cheese is definitely cheesy, it's never cringe.

Speaker 11 Pick up a box in store or online today.

Speaker 14 Kraft Mac and Cheese, best thing ever.

Speaker 15 3 a.m., I was half asleep.

Speaker 9 3 a.m.

Speaker 22 And I noticed that he was leaving the room.

Speaker 7 I thought he's probably going to the bathroom or I heard some noises from downstairs, and I wasn't paying attention until I saw from the window that he was going out to the beach with his brother's wife.

Speaker 71 They came back about an hour later.

Speaker 15 I still haven't confronted him, and I was wondering what this could mean.

Speaker 50 What was it that they needed to do?

Speaker 47 I don't know what

Speaker 40 sex.

Speaker 68 Just like so nonchalant down here.

Speaker 33 I wondered what they needed to do.

Speaker 68 Sex.

Speaker 68 I'm just sorry, I could not keep it together.

Speaker 9 Oh my god, where was I?

Speaker 50 What was it that they needed to do? I don't know what to think.

Speaker 15 Is it something that I can be upset about?

Speaker 22 Sneaking around at night isn't cool in my opinion.

Speaker 24 What is going on here?

Speaker 67 Your chill is insane. It's insane.
If I saw you at that window running around the sand, are you joking?

Speaker 67 John Cena, your ass. You kidding me?

Speaker 9 Are you joking me?

Speaker 9 I'm sorry.

Speaker 67 Maybe I just don't have any chill. And I definitely had a ticulous Lasoda, so I don't have any chill now for sure.

Speaker 35 I can't imagine seeing them walk off and not fucking going to see what is going on.

Speaker 9 Like,

Speaker 35 obviously, obviously, I'd probably play the card that's not run out and be like, hey guys, what are we doing?

Speaker 35 You know, you go like a minute later, you trail, like, the guys in the movies following, like, that kind of thing. You stay just out of sight.

Speaker 65 I'm going.

Speaker 35 There's no way I'm laying there just being like, oh, they're probably just chatting.

Speaker 9 No way.

Speaker 67 There are some people in relationships, though, that, like, actually, they're like, oh, no, I'd rather not know. I'm like, I'm going to know.
I'm going to find your ass wherever you are. You have

Speaker 67 one kernel of sand a colonel colonel corn

Speaker 67 one kernel whatever i'm calling it a kernel of sand in your ass cheek i know exactly what happened out there

Speaker 9 great thank you because i honestly i thought it was colonel too the more you said it the better it sounded colonel sounds pretty colonel because of colonel sanders or what

Speaker 33 Sid, I'm literally picturing you like that Jennifer Lawrence scene in No Hard Feelings.

Speaker 9 And she's like,

Speaker 9 she comes up and just like

Speaker 9 the shit out of the people who try to steal her clothes.

Speaker 9 She looked so hot in that movie.

Speaker 9 Oh, my God.

Speaker 68 I love Jennifer Lawrence. The amount of times I've seen Hunger Games is disturbing.

Speaker 64 Okay, sorry.

Speaker 67 No, I mean,

Speaker 67 what are you doing?

Speaker 9 What are you wondering for?

Speaker 67 I just, I can't live in the unknown. My anxiety is like up here.
I wish it wasn't there, but it is. I'm not living in the unknown.
What if? No, I'm going to find out.

Speaker 9 I'm going to find you.

Speaker 67 I don't care who I need to ask. And also, I'd already been out there crawling, army crawling in the sand underneath.

Speaker 67 What is he going to say?

Speaker 67 What were you guys doing?

Speaker 35 I mean, here's the thing.

Speaker 35 I think we all know what's happening. And also, when you're sneaking out at 3 a.m.,

Speaker 35 this is not the first time.

Speaker 35 There's no way that's the first time. Like, hey, texting in the middle of the night, you want to go to the beach? Nah, this shit's been going on.

Speaker 41 How many of you would have followed him?

Speaker 9 Everyone

Speaker 67 who wouldn't.

Speaker 26 I mean...

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 5 I am a very curious person.

Speaker 66 I would have loved to have a chance at like stealth mode.

Speaker 9 Because

Speaker 26 I don't get that anymore.

Speaker 9 There's something about catching somebody doing something wrong. I don't get that anymore.

Speaker 67 The nerk in me is like, yes, I caught you.

Speaker 9 I got you.

Speaker 67 You know what I'm saying? I'm like, even when you pull up at like, I don't know, a four-way stop and someone goes and you're like, ah,

Speaker 67 oh, no, no, no. I'm pulling out first.

Speaker 9 I caught you doing something wrong. The narc in me takes over.

Speaker 33 Don't you hate, though, the idea of like catching in real life that image, though?

Speaker 9 No. Catch up.

Speaker 9 Catch you.

Speaker 33 Well, no, no, no. Not saying you never catch them at all.

Speaker 33 Like, obviously, ideally, you catch them, but like verbally, like, I just feel like that would be ingrained in my head, and I would be like, But it doesn't matter, you're gonna break up after that, anyways.

Speaker 9 True, you're done. True, true.

Speaker 12 So, we do have some comments.

Speaker 67 They own the coffin.

Speaker 17 Someone goes, I'm very surprised you didn't follow them.

Speaker 22 It could have been a range of interpretations from a crazy idea to them wanting to fuck on the beach.

Speaker 9 OP responds and says, I wanted to follow them, but they had locked the front door behind them, and I didn't have a key.

Speaker 9 What do you mean?

Speaker 32 How do you lock someone?

Speaker 9 So,

Speaker 9 we get lost. You lock it from the outside?

Speaker 50 We get some more details, people. Don't worry.

Speaker 20 Someone goes,'This is a new one to me.' This is new one to me.

Speaker 50 This is a new one.

Speaker 9 Do tell, how do you get locked in a house?

Speaker 28 O.P.

Speaker 12 responds: The lock has keyholes on both sides.

Speaker 4 It's a fire hazard.

Speaker 28 I imagine my in-laws lock the doors at night and keep the key somewhere inside.

Speaker 50 And my boyfriend had a spare key, so he opened it, got out, and locked it again.

Speaker 9 Window. You gotta do that.

Speaker 33 I was about to say, I'm like, smash the window, girl.

Speaker 9 No, open the window.

Speaker 9 I'd be out the window. I don't know.
There's never open anyway.

Speaker 59 No patio door, sliding glass door.

Speaker 43 Come on, it's a beach house.

Speaker 67 Listen, when detective work comes to detective work, I'm sorry, you can't pretend like you haven't dug so hard on Instagram, a Facebook, I don't care. This is in person.
This is your big break.

Speaker 67 You got to get out there. You got to find out what's going on.

Speaker 9 Get out that window.

Speaker 68 I'm saying.

Speaker 26 Yeah, top comment on the original post,

Speaker 15 and you asked him about it, and he said,

Speaker 73 da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

Speaker 74 Whoa, that was a lot of dots. That was crazy.

Speaker 9 Look at how many dots there are. But your mouth.
I've never seen a movie. I know.
I smell the machine gun.

Speaker 7 I practiced.

Speaker 47 I didn't.

Speaker 75 We have an update.

Speaker 9 Oh.

Speaker 9 Hey again.

Speaker 12 As much as I wanted to tell you all that it was over nothing, that they just wanted to get some air or smoke some weed or something.

Speaker 12 Not the case.

Speaker 9 Really?

Speaker 9 Really?

Speaker 50 They were indeed fucking.

Speaker 67 Case closed. Judge Judy hit her little ch.

Speaker 67 She's done.

Speaker 63 It's done.

Speaker 36 I asked my boyfriend about it.

Speaker 15 Didn't mention that I saw him go out with her.

Speaker 28 Just that I saw him leave the bed and come back later.

Speaker 22 He told me that he just went to pee and then saw his dad in the kitchen and couldn't sleep.

Speaker 40 And they had a chat for a while.

Speaker 46 Liar!

Speaker 28 I asked his sister-in-law immediately after that, said that I saw her from the window for a second.

Speaker 61 Was I just imagining it since I was half asleep, or did she go out alone that time of night?

Speaker 50 She said that she enjoys midnight breaths and alone walks on the beach.

Speaker 71 Liar again.

Speaker 67 3 a.m., not midnight, honey.

Speaker 33 See, we got our detective work down.

Speaker 43 I told his brother that I saw them leave.

Speaker 22 He told me that they enjoy long walks on the beach.

Speaker 61 He couldn't be bothered to go with them.

Speaker 9 I thought,

Speaker 46 liar, he's in on it?

Speaker 9 He's into it then.

Speaker 67 No, he's ignoring it. He's probably ignoring it.

Speaker 50 So apparently, they gave each other the heads up since my boyfriend came to me and told me everything an hour later.

Speaker 70 Him and his brother like sharing their girlfriend.

Speaker 28 Yeah, so only one person was betrayed.

Speaker 33 Like,

Speaker 33 you would think they would have like a partner to be like, this sucks that we're going through this together, but no, no,

Speaker 22 he's been fucking his sister-in-law for years now.

Speaker 67 Years.

Speaker 24 That night was just another moment.

Speaker 22 He told me that he wanted to tell me when the time is right,

Speaker 43 or when he thought I'm prepared so that I can join in and sleep

Speaker 22 so I can join in and sleep with his brother.

Speaker 9 Oh my god.

Speaker 22 So that they no longer have to sneak around.

Speaker 50 He wasn't even admitting that it was cheating, saying that it doesn't count since it's his sister-in-law.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 33 It doesn't count because she's my second cousin.

Speaker 50 I don't even know what to say to that.

Speaker 62 He called me traditional for thinking it was cheating.

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 12 I consider having sex with anyone else cheating.

Speaker 62 Call me traditional.

Speaker 50 So I broke up with him and left him to deal with his weird shit with his brother.

Speaker 66 And I'm actually happier now.

Speaker 9 Let's go.

Speaker 67 You want a polyamorous relationship, you kind of have to involve the other person involved.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 67 I'm sorry, but and also a side note, if you couldn't tell by my narc detective work, I would not be in a polyamorous relationship. Just FYI.
I don't know if you couldn't tell that. Yeah.

Speaker 62 I mean, to each their own, but damn, at least inform the parties.

Speaker 50 As Justin would say.

Speaker 9 Yeah, baby.

Speaker 35 Don't even have to say it.

Speaker 28 Goes unspoken between us.

Speaker 67 Were they just going to, they just have been having family Christmases?

Speaker 67 Here's my gift, you guys. I know you're doing good over there.
Just like, I mean, the acting is just insane. Like,

Speaker 67 the show they've been putting on for so long. God, that's a kink, Jerry.

Speaker 50 Well, what's crazy too is they could end up in a situation where

Speaker 24 they got to do paternity tests to determine, is that my son or my nephew?

Speaker 59 Exactly what I was thinking.

Speaker 46 Yeah, it's so interesting.

Speaker 9 Like, I just

Speaker 33 don't really understand this type of kink, to be honest.

Speaker 39 Like, sharing.

Speaker 28 Well, like, as you're wondering,

Speaker 28 your brother and then the sister-in-law.

Speaker 9 Like, I don't know. I don't know why.

Speaker 30 Like, I don't know. I don't get it.

Speaker 33 But, yeah, I guess to each their own. If they're all happy, as long as they're not lying to other people anymore, then go at it, kids.

Speaker 50 He will definitely find his person that is okay with with this.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Speaker 28 There is a left shoe to everyone's crooked right, you know?

Speaker 9 Like

Speaker 18 he will find his person.

Speaker 20 I think if he went into it a little sooner, like maybe

Speaker 50 fourth date, fifth date,

Speaker 50 he might have better luck.

Speaker 9 Hey, by the way,

Speaker 9 this is what we do.

Speaker 67 Welcome to the family.

Speaker 9 Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Yeah.

Speaker 68 Welcome to the family.

Speaker 9 Sweet.

Speaker 60 Sweet, some family traditions over here.

Speaker 67 No, if your brother-in-law is just starting to

Speaker 67 work your shoulder, you got a tight shoulder, honey. You got a tight.

Speaker 9 I'm like,

Speaker 9 get the hell away from me.

Speaker 9 What? No. Yeah.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry. No.

Speaker 16 I'm so glad you don't have any siblings now.

Speaker 9 That's the first time you've ever said that to him.

Speaker 9 Oh, man.

Speaker 52 It's a good thing you're an only child.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 It's the first time you've said that. Yeah.

Speaker 9 Oh man.

Speaker 18 Sid, thank you for coming up.

Speaker 7 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 67 See you all soon.

Speaker 68 Be sure. Oh, oh,

Speaker 50 take some presents with you.

Speaker 22 Pass them out as you make your way back.

Speaker 17 Again, this is why you want to go to the Google form and fill it out.

Speaker 10 We love including listeners.

Speaker 3 We love being able to ask questions.

Speaker 11 The audience loves asking questions.

Speaker 1 I mean, people shout them out.

Speaker 3 So, submit the form so we can call more people on stage and include you in the chaos.

Speaker 9 Speaking of porn, oh,

Speaker 9 what?

Speaker 9 That's just sounded like my dad. Yeah, Jerry is just a plant in the audience.
Yeah,

Speaker 9 trying to find his way up on the stage somehow.

Speaker 9 So, we do have an Am I the asshole from someone in the room,

Speaker 9 Aubrey,

Speaker 9 Aubrey. Where are you?

Speaker 9 Hello,

Speaker 9 Aubrey.

Speaker 9 Would you like to come on stage?

Speaker 3 This episode of Two Hot Takes is presented by DiSerono. This holiday season, I'll be raising a glass with DiSirono, the world's favorite Italian liqueur.

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Drink responsibly.

Speaker 3 1525, The Legend of DiSorono begins.

Speaker 9 Page, while we read this? Okay, get your ass up here.

Speaker 9 See, this is why you do the homework.

Speaker 9 Okay, so I'm going to get started while Aubrey makes her way up here.

Speaker 9 Well, maybe not, because I don't want the mic to yell at us again, just in case.

Speaker 35 I'm kind of scared.

Speaker 9 Nope, I don't know the words.

Speaker 9 Well, you got it, girl. You got it.

Speaker 9 Great segue into that.

Speaker 9 Welcome. Okay.

Speaker 9 Here we go.

Speaker 9 Am I the asshole for kicking my roommate of 14 years out of my house because she filmed porn in my bed?

Speaker 9 Wow, that was a good segue.

Speaker 9 Unplanned, too. That was perfect.
It was meant to be.

Speaker 9 Background. I, female 32, have lived with my roommate, female32, since college.
We met as freshmen and have lived together ever since. In 2020, I purchased a house and invited her to be a tenant.

Speaker 9 This is where the issues began. While borrowing her computer to check my IG account, I noticed her secret IG account was open.

Speaker 9 The account was full of her boudoir photo shoots and hinting at other content.

Speaker 9 I started going down the rabbit hole on her link tree. The link brings me to her Reddit page and

Speaker 9 OnlyFans.

Speaker 9 While looking through some of the content, I noticed she filmed herself riding a dildo in my bed,

Speaker 9 in my office,

Speaker 9 on my couch,

Speaker 9 and my kitchen table.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 9 What would you guys do if I just projectiled right now?

Speaker 9 I confronted her about her account, which she denied filming in common areas.

Speaker 9 So I said boundaries. No filming in my room, common areas, and no men in the house to create this content.
She can rent a hotel if needed.

Speaker 9 The boundaries were ignored, and she continued to use common areas.

Speaker 9 At least, my bedroom was no longer used.

Speaker 35 That you know of.

Speaker 9 In the meantime, she even stopped paying rent. This occurred for over a year.

Speaker 9 The final straw was listing my house in an LLC for her OnlyFans business and listing an Amazon wish list for her clients, but made our address public. Nope.

Speaker 9 Did you was your was it am I the asshole? No.

Speaker 9 Quit reading my screen.

Speaker 9 No, I was just trying to go back to the first sentence. Like, did you ask the question? Because I want to answer it.
No, you are not the asshole.

Speaker 35 Do we need to switch seats, Lauren?

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 9 She knows my strong opinion on internet safety and privacy. So, in June of 2023, I gave her six months to move out.

Speaker 9 Way too nice.

Speaker 9 You're very nice. Way too nice.

Speaker 9 During this time, she continued to not pay rent and took eight months to move out.

Speaker 9 She stayed until February of 2024.

Speaker 9 Was I being a petty asshole asking her to move out?

Speaker 9 No!

Speaker 35 Wait, so

Speaker 35 when she denied you film, when she denied filming in all those locations,

Speaker 35 what was the reason? Like, oh, it was a green screen.

Speaker 35 How do you not? It's literally right there.

Speaker 9 Oh, it was more or less, I was like, hey, by the way, I saw that you filmed in my bed. And she goes,

Speaker 9 she goes, Aubrey, Lynn, you watch my videos?

Speaker 67 I was like, ooh, throwing that middle name out there, you know.

Speaker 35 So it got flipped on you.

Speaker 9 It did, yeah. That's so ridiculous.
I'm all for, like, you want to go on OnlyFans, you want to get your coin, do it.

Speaker 9 But you can't take advantage of people and then fuck in their bed or like

Speaker 9 the dildo machine or whatever it was in their bed. Like,

Speaker 9 beds are like those people's safe spaces. Yes, safe room.
Yeah. Safe room.

Speaker 9 And I do a travel job, so I'm never home. So she took reign of the entire house.

Speaker 9 And then didn't pay rent for one year, eight months.

Speaker 9 I

Speaker 9 would take her to court. I would literally, I would be so petty at this point.
I would take her to court.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Because you have a mortgage. Like, you have shit.
You have bills. You got to take care of yourself.
Take her to small claims court. Also, is she not making money?

Speaker 9 She made a couple thousand on OnlyFans.

Speaker 9 For what she did. Only a couple thousand.
A couple thousand every month on OnlyFans.

Speaker 35 She probably understated it too, just so she would not keep paying rent.

Speaker 9 I mean, who knows how much. Yeah.
She took advantage of you. Yeah.
Yeah, that's how I feel. And then she gaslit you to try to make you feel bad about her taking advantage of you.

Speaker 9 Oh, and she doesn't see anything wrong with it either. What's her name? Talk about it now.
What's her name? Where's she at? I heard someone over here, what town do you live in?

Speaker 50 It's on the internet. You should be able to see it.

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 9 We don't want to give her any more money. Yeah, she becomes like so rich that she pays you back.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Speaker 9 Thank you so much for sharing. Hey, thanks, guys.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 9 Let's get into these Reddit stories.

Speaker 9 How are we doing? We're hanging in there, okay?

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 How are you guys doing?

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Does anyone want to take a shot with us?

Speaker 9 Okay. where do you come from? Well, it just felt right.

Speaker 35 We usually save that for the late show, but this is really fun. Let's see what's going on.

Speaker 9 This feels good. So, for this first Reddit story,

Speaker 9 and don't look at my screen, you weirdo.

Speaker 9 Am I the asshole for considering leaving my wife after her affair with my dad came to light?

Speaker 9 Knowing that it might destroy my family's dynamic.

Speaker 35 And that might destroy the.

Speaker 9 So here's the situation. I, 26 male, recently found out that my wife, 32 female, of two years, has been having an affair with my dad, 48 male,

Speaker 9 for about six months.

Speaker 9 This revelation came from my wife, who confessed out of guilt. My father also apologized for the affair.
To complicate matters further, I discovered that my mom, 49 female, was aware of the affair

Speaker 9 and was oddly okay with it.

Speaker 9 Are they broken up? I mean, it's horrible regardless that she's okay with it, but

Speaker 9 you know as much as I know. Okay.

Speaker 9 My wife has been incredibly apologetic since the confession and wants to continue our marriage, promising it was a mistake and that she wants to fix things. No.

Speaker 9 However,

Speaker 9 during our discussions, she admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad.

Speaker 9 It's just things he can't come back from. Oh, no, no, no.
It goes on. Sorry.

Speaker 9 She admitted to enjoying the sexual relationship with my dad more than with me.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Yep.

Speaker 9 There it is.

Speaker 35 Why are we even writing this?

Speaker 35 Why are we even here?

Speaker 63 But let's make it work.

Speaker 9 And mentioned that part of her love for me stems from the similarities she sees between me and my dad.

Speaker 35 Where's that person that says, kill him?

Speaker 9 This has left me feeling inadequate and betrayed on multiple levels.

Speaker 9 I'm contemplating leaving my wife.

Speaker 9 But I'm aware this decision could completely dismantle the already strained relationships within my family.

Speaker 9 Ship has sailed on that one.

Speaker 9 I'm conflicted because despite the hurt, part of me still cares for her. But I also feel like staying could mean disrespecting myself.
Absolutely.

Speaker 9 You have to leave. There's no other option.
The whole situation is a mess, and I'm not sure if walking away makes me the asshole here.

Speaker 9 Am I the asshole?

Speaker 9 What type of gaslighting has he gone through to

Speaker 9 even question this?

Speaker 9 Am I the asshole if I leave my wife who is fucking my dad and she likes him more than me and my mom knew and she was okay with it? Like, what?

Speaker 9 Six months. Six months.
It wasn't a one and done.

Speaker 59 And then she felt guilty.

Speaker 9 And then not only that, but she doubles down and says, I actually enjoy having sex with your dad more than you.

Speaker 9 That was something you did not need to share. No.
Keep it to yourself. And did I hear you right when she said, and I like you because you resemble your dad? Yeah.

Speaker 35 Like, two things pop into my head hearing this. I want to know how and like, how, like, how this started.
How does that, how does the first time happen?

Speaker 9 It's weird that the mom knew. The amount of moments.
That is so true.

Speaker 35 But then I also want to know how the dad apologized. What does that apology even look like?

Speaker 35 Like, hey, sorry, I've been...

Speaker 9 sleeping with your wife. It's just sex, dude.
You know.

Speaker 35 I'm just, I'm so shocked that we're even writing this and that we're conflicted and that we're debating not hurting this dynamic further.

Speaker 35 Like, it's done.

Speaker 9 We're done.

Speaker 9 Wow. You have to be done.
You have to be done. But what's so interesting now that I'm like, okay, the mom was okay with it, it's got me thinking,

Speaker 9 like,

Speaker 9 is it better? Because, or maybe, I don't know, because, like, if the mom's okay with it, maybe the sex with the mom isn't good. Or it's just like, oh, it's one less thing off my plate.

Speaker 9 You fuck him for me. Like,

Speaker 9 you know? Okay, so they are still together. They're still together, yeah.

Speaker 9 As far as we know.

Speaker 9 It could be a kink. There's many missing pieces for this story.
Like, I need.

Speaker 9 It could be a kink.

Speaker 35 Well, so then you're like, hey,

Speaker 35 good to meet you. By the way, I'm in in a poly relationship with my

Speaker 35 wife, dad,

Speaker 35 and my mom's on the side cool with it.

Speaker 9 I just don't understand how not one, but both parents could be so okay with absolutely ripping the heart out of their child.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Real shitty.

Speaker 9 Oh well, there's no comments from OP. Account has been suspended now.

Speaker 9 Top comment on the post, what the fuck, dude?

Speaker 9 Have some self-respect and cut ties with all of them.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Love when the top comment just so succinct. With a bow on top.
What?

Speaker 35 Just wrapped up in a neat little bow.

Speaker 9 I know.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 There's no other really good ones. Someone does say burn all the bridges and then set the river on fire.

Speaker 9 Next comment, then nuke it from orbit and move to another galaxy.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 That was not a good one.

Speaker 35 I would not leave that peacefully. I wouldn't just be like, all right, see ya.
I'd be like, I'm doing some shit. And then I'm going to leave.

Speaker 65 I don't know what, but.

Speaker 35 Give me some time and I'll think of something.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 There we go.

Speaker 9 That sounded like my dad, but yet I feel like I just saw him this way. But a lot of you have gotten a chance to meet my dad tonight.

Speaker 9 I love it.

Speaker 9 I think we'll invite him up for this next one.

Speaker 9 What's that? What are you like? Okay, what is the cup?

Speaker 9 You're drinking an alcoholic bathroom. At a concert.
At a concert? I love that he concerns.

Speaker 9 Every.

Speaker 9 What is the drink? Margarita.

Speaker 9 Margarita.

Speaker 9 I can tell it's the second one. Wilden.

Speaker 9 I can tell you.

Speaker 9 He doesn't drink that often, so it is. No.
We're getting a wild side.

Speaker 9 He's let loose in Nashville. He's been really fun.

Speaker 9 Dad, will you pass our shots to us? None for you, Jerry. Yes.
None for you, Glencoco. He really let loose.
He had a Cabernet at the stage last night off Broadway.

Speaker 35 Yeah, Jerry was dancing. Jerry got into it.

Speaker 9 He was really letting loose. As in wine.

Speaker 30 As in the disgusting wine.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah, Gabby, you'll get there. It's okay.

Speaker 9 I like want to buy you a glass of wine now so I can be like, what do you think of this Cabernet?

Speaker 9 No, well, we'll get in the water.

Speaker 72 You you are in Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 72 Here, the word is white lightning.

Speaker 9 Moonshine.

Speaker 9 Moonshine, baby.

Speaker 72 We'll give you a little white lightning.

Speaker 9 I like that. I don't know what language he's speaking.
Like, just

Speaker 72 a teaspoon of white lightning. That's all you need.

Speaker 9 Have you had a little moonshine already?

Speaker 72 Oh, I've done moonshine.

Speaker 9 No, but like tonight. Tonight? No, no, not tonight.

Speaker 9 Just the margaritas.

Speaker 72 Okay. Back in my Kentucky days.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 I do want to just call you out for something.

Speaker 34 I'm sorry.

Speaker 9 You told one of my friends that I met during the meet and greet that you would get in trouble for taking pictures with people outside.

Speaker 72 No, no, no, no, no. When I say, would you like me to take picnic? And I go, Lauren loves to read me on that one.

Speaker 9 Me?

Speaker 72 Yeah, because you would say, Jerry was out there. You want to take a picture? Want a picture with me?

Speaker 9 No, I would never get mad at you for that. I only get mad when I'm about to go on and then you're up on stage stealing the mic.

Speaker 9 That did happen. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, this is, remember, remember those, you know?

Speaker 72 Have you seen improvement?

Speaker 9 You've gone a lot better.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you're doing great tonight.

Speaker 9 You're doing great.

Speaker 72 We reserved all our hugs for outside.

Speaker 35 Did we all get hugs?

Speaker 9 Did we all get love?

Speaker 72 Do we all get a story or two?

Speaker 9 There you go.

Speaker 9 Okay, well, we'll see if they like you as much after your take on this next one. Oh, God.

Speaker 72 I've been booed. By the way, I've been booed before.

Speaker 9 I also feel like I need to clarify real quick. I've never gotten mad at you for taking pictures of other people ever.

Speaker 9 I think what he's referring to is that my boyfriend was at one of the crowds and he said, Jerry, and he goes, You want a picture with me?

Speaker 35 Yep.

Speaker 9 I think he got those crawl confused.

Speaker 72 He said, no, I've been there.

Speaker 9 He's like, no, he's like, Jerry, it's me.

Speaker 9 It's me, Brian. Yeah.
I'm in here.

Speaker 9 I think that's, what is that? Is that hot chick too? It's me, Jessica. I'm in here.

Speaker 9 We literally, we were doing sound check tonight and we're like, boys are cheats and liars. They're such a big disgrace.
Does anyone know hot chicks? Okay, okay. I got you.

Speaker 35 I recorded your mic check. I was over there in the corner and I recorded it.

Speaker 9 Oh. Can't we just see that?

Speaker 35 We had Morgan singing. We had all of you.

Speaker 9 I tried singing the national anthem. It was a time.

Speaker 9 Lovely. Let's get into this next duo.

Speaker 9 It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Choosing My Wife and Young Son?

Speaker 9 Son.

Speaker 9 Son. Son.

Speaker 9 Lauren found this one, by the way. I haven't read it yet.

Speaker 7 Let me start over.

Speaker 9 Am I the asshole for choosing my wife and young son over my grown daughter?

Speaker 72 Let's hear more.

Speaker 9 I, male 50, have a daughter, Chris, female 27, from my previous marriage. I am now married to my wife, female 45, and have a son, five.

Speaker 9 Chris and I used to be very close, but as she has gotten older, I feel like we drifted apart. Chris recently got married.
She and her now husband decided to do a child-free wedding.

Speaker 9 Chris told me she wanted me to walk her down the aisle. I of course agreed.

Speaker 9 Then about a month later, probably around eight months before the wedding, she told me and my wife that the wedding was going to be child-free, no exceptions.

Speaker 28 I tried reasoning with Chris because finding childcare can be difficult.

Speaker 9 And she said she gave me enough time to find someone to watch my son for one day.

Speaker 9 And that I am her dad, and that one day is really important to her.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 9 we couldn't find childcare.

Speaker 9 My wife was going to stay with our son while I went to the wedding, but I didn't feel comfortable with leaving my wife and son for the whole day.

Speaker 9 What? What fuck?

Speaker 9 So,

Speaker 9 so, I decided to not go to the wedding.

Speaker 9 My ex-wife ended up texting me calling me a huge asshole because

Speaker 9 Chris was heartbroken on her wedding day.

Speaker 9 I explained to my ex-wife that I didn't feel comfortable leaving my wife and son alone all day, and that maybe Chris shouldn't have have done a child-free wedding.

Speaker 9 Chris and I haven't talked since, which was two weeks ago. And now she ignores my calls and texts.

Speaker 9 I feel

Speaker 9 I feel like maybe I was the asshole.

Speaker 9 Am I, question mark?

Speaker 9 This dude's stupid. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 9 Okay,

Speaker 9 celeb guest up here. You go first.

Speaker 72 I mean, this is a no-brainer.

Speaker 9 Okay, good.

Speaker 72 Okay, so let's imagine Super Bowl shows up. He gets two tickets for the Super Bowl for him and his wife.
Is he going to pass them up because he's worried about his child?

Speaker 9 Oh my God, that was such a good. That was really good.

Speaker 3 Okay, these next couple are am I the asshole stories from our Irvine show from People in the Room.

Speaker 3 And while we might pick on our family a little, we still love you all and appreciate everyone sharing so, so, so much.

Speaker 3 Also, with a Google form, if you don't want to be called on, you can remain anonymous the entire time.

Speaker 18 So you can share, no pressure to be exposed.

Speaker 3 And there's a question for everyone.

Speaker 11 One of my favorites I'm asking this tour is: what is the biggest red flag you missed?

Speaker 3 I'm blown away already by the responses, but enjoy these stories.

Speaker 8 Okay, so this one.

Speaker 47 I feel like your dad advice will really come through and shine on this one.

Speaker 13 Am I the asshole for never

Speaker 15 for never telling my high school best friend that her boyfriend had?

Speaker 63 This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Oh, what fun! Nordstrom has tons of gifts under $100 for all your favorite people, all in one place.

Speaker 63 Like beauty and grooming sets, UG gifts, jewelry, and toys.

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Speaker 45 Free gift finding help, free shipping, and order pickup.

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Speaker 45 At Nordstrom.

Speaker 70 At the time, tried to cheat on her with me.

Speaker 31 This is someone here that wrote this in?

Speaker 71 Yeah, Haley.

Speaker 9 Oh, man.

Speaker 9 Haley, where are you?

Speaker 44 When we were in our early 20s, I had moved from my hometown and went back for a visit staying with my friend and her boyfriend.

Speaker 55 On the day I was leaving and packing my things, it was just me and him in the house as she was in class.

Speaker 41 He called my name, so I walked in his room, thinking nothing of it, to find him standing there with his dick out.

Speaker 33 That's like not just trying to hook up with someone that's absolutely disturbing.

Speaker 9 Yeah, right? Yeah.

Speaker 44 The naked man only works on How I Met Your Mother.

Speaker 9 Not in real life.

Speaker 28 And if it has worked for you, I will invite you up here to share.

Speaker 9 Anyone?

Speaker 9 No?

Speaker 32 I was shocked and immediately left the room and waited for my ride in the living room.

Speaker 38 I remember him coming in to apologize before I left, and I don't even remember what my response was.

Speaker 75 I just remember feeling super awkward and uncomfortable.

Speaker 28 They had been together for at least four years at this point.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 76 In my immaturity, I thought it would be better to never speak of it again to save the friendship because I didn't know if she would break up with him, if she would believe me, or what her reaction would be.

Speaker 13 Years later, after they broke up, I was passing through the town she's currently in and we met for lunch.

Speaker 70 She opened up to me that they had broken up sometime before because of many reasons and included that he admitted to cheating on her with multiple people during their time together.

Speaker 44 That was at least five years after the incident.

Speaker 15 And I thought about coming clean at the time, but I felt like it had been so long and he was now completely out of the picture that bringing it up could do more harm than good.

Speaker 44 We see each other once every five or so years at this point, but will likely be lifelong friends.

Speaker 76 Would you, at this point, see any benefit to bringing this up in the future?

Speaker 76 No.

Speaker 72 Time has passed.

Speaker 9 The time has passed.

Speaker 72 Time has passed. I mean,

Speaker 72 what's the benefit of telling of saying the truth? She may already know and she say, look, I'm just, she's trying to respect our friendship at this point.

Speaker 72 If you said any, if she was going to say anything, it probably would have been at the time he did it. So she would know what a dickhead he is.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 72 But at this point in time, I don't think there's anything healthy that's going to come from it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, no, I agree.

Speaker 9 It's just

Speaker 35 the weight off of you, but really on her end, it's going to have zero effect. Back at the time, it might have had

Speaker 35 a worthwhile effect, and then it justifies it, but there's no need.

Speaker 9 I would agree.

Speaker 75 If he's for sure gone done out of the picture, no, don't tell her.

Speaker 14 If he decides to pop back up,

Speaker 9 then

Speaker 9 maybe

Speaker 28 if it's the right situation, but you really got to feel that one out.

Speaker 35 He tries it again.

Speaker 9 Can you imagine?

Speaker 9 What a weirdo.

Speaker 72 Then she could say, Why did you shrink?

Speaker 9 Here you go.

Speaker 72 Age has not served you well.

Speaker 9 Is this from personal experience?

Speaker 72 I'm 66. Every night I cry.

Speaker 9 Oh, no.

Speaker 58 This took a turn I wasn't expecting.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 11 Yeah, why did you want Jerry up for this one specifically?

Speaker 51 I feel like he just gives really good dad advice.

Speaker 28 And mostly for this next one.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 75 This two sides that we have from a friend we met during our meet and greet, Phoebe.

Speaker 9 Which, where are you?

Speaker 9 Hi!

Speaker 9 Okay, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 29 Did you know she wrote in?

Speaker 9 You did.

Speaker 22 Okay, so you know this is coming.

Speaker 64 Okay, so how do you guys feel about Valentine's Day?

Speaker 33 I like it.

Speaker 9 I have a heart over here.

Speaker 58 Lauren loves it.

Speaker 76 A lot of you were very quiet.

Speaker 32 I love the girl in pink was just like, yeah.

Speaker 58 Okay, so this one is a Valentine's Day dilemma.

Speaker 13 My 21 female fiancé, 27 male, bought me a vacuum for Valentine's Day.

Speaker 13 I know.

Speaker 40 Wait, I think that's kind of awesome.

Speaker 59 Oh, it's you guys. Stop.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 Oh, my God.

Speaker 60 I just like blacked out and forgot that this is your story.

Speaker 30 No, that's, I think that's awesome.

Speaker 60 What kind of vacuum was it?

Speaker 60 I love vacuums.

Speaker 50 Leave it to Lauren to find the upside.

Speaker 33 I just bought a vacuum recently, a handbag, and my roommate was like, why did you buy a handbag?

Speaker 29 And I was like, what do you mean?

Speaker 33 Like, why did I not buy this earlier?

Speaker 42 Like, they're amazing.

Speaker 77 It's incredible. I know one thing, he'll never do this again.

Speaker 30 First and last, Tuhattech Slack Show.

Speaker 28 My fiancé, Nick, and I love listening to your show together and would love to hear your take on the situation we had this year on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 70 Nick has been telling me for about two weeks that he'd gotten me a really great Valentine's Day Day present and couldn't wait to give it to me.

Speaker 28 I was really excited and of course looking forward to it.

Speaker 55 But when Valentine's Day came, the package hadn't arrived yet.

Speaker 25 So he decided to just show me what he'd gotten me instead.

Speaker 13 This man shows me a picture of a Roomba.

Speaker 43 That's fantastic.

Speaker 9 Brian, my boyfriend, take notes. I would love a Roomba.
Take notes.

Speaker 15 And tells me that I won't have have to worry about asking him to vacuum the carpet anymore.

Speaker 9 Win-win.

Speaker 33 Did you just say win-win? I don't like nagging Brian to clean.

Speaker 43 This would be fantastic.

Speaker 53 Just vacuum the fucking floor, bitch.

Speaker 9 It's not that hard.

Speaker 54 For context, I do most of the housework except for vacuuming.

Speaker 54 Because of my bad back.

Speaker 13 I always have to remind him to do it.

Speaker 25 Needless to say, I was pretty upset about getting a vacuum on what's meant to be a romantic day.

Speaker 32 It felt more like a gift to get out of cleaning, in my opinion.

Speaker 36 My fiancé understood my feelings, but insisted that he meant well and hadn't even thought about how giving me a vacuum for Valentine's Day could be offensive.

Speaker 75 Looking back now, I do find it funny and honestly am glad to have the vacuum, but what do you guys think?

Speaker 9 Am I up first?

Speaker 9 Aww.

Speaker 9 Aww.

Speaker 9 There's not many times in life where you get booed by this many people, so you just take it in. Just own it.

Speaker 74 Oh my God, Justin got booed, and he's not over it.

Speaker 9 First of all. It was endearing, though.
It was an endearing boo, for sure.

Speaker 72 Okay, first of all, do I have to keep on the rails or can I just pop it?

Speaker 9 You can pop off a little.

Speaker 72 Okay, well, when somebody gets something to please themselves, I call that masturbation.

Speaker 9 So.

Speaker 72 Yeah, and the next time you do something like that, you're going to be finding yourself with that in hand.

Speaker 72 I will say that. Oh my God.
But on the other side, as you were starting the story,

Speaker 72 I was actually feeling that you, because that you love her, that you were trying to make life easy and that she likes a clean house, and your intention was to keep, to help her out with that.

Speaker 72 I didn't really know it was to help you out with it.

Speaker 77 So I'm glad you got it.

Speaker 72 I think it's great for you to have in your home, but I really think it's time for you to go out and come up with it with an additional gift.

Speaker 72 Otherwise,

Speaker 77 in hand, buddy.

Speaker 15 Did you get a cute card, though, or like any type of little cuteness?

Speaker 9 Just no flowers?

Speaker 9 All you got was love. We got flowers.
We got flowers.

Speaker 7 We got flowers.

Speaker 9 Flowers is good.

Speaker 72 Yeah, and you got a picture and it said with love.

Speaker 77 Right?

Speaker 9 With Roombas. With a big kiss.

Speaker 72 You won't buy an appliance for next Valentine Day.

Speaker 9 He's no. Immediate no.
Okay.

Speaker 35 Hey, to be fair to my guy down here,

Speaker 35 you would have really liked that.

Speaker 47 Okay, not from you.

Speaker 58 I've been asking my mom for a vacuum, and it's kind of like an inside joke thing.

Speaker 11 My mom is like, what do you want for your house?

Speaker 55 What do you want for your house?

Speaker 2 You know, you're moving in, finally getting your own place at 30.

Speaker 75 What do you want? I'm like, a vacuum.

Speaker 13 Vacuums are expensive.

Speaker 68 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 33 Roombas are, like, I would be really happy about that.

Speaker 32 I, yeah, it is great.

Speaker 55 I'm gonna, Roombas on my list too, but I was just telling her, I was like, I want the vacuum.

Speaker 75 And she's like, I'm not getting you a vacuum.

Speaker 15 She just, like, didn't want to because she was like, that's not something you get.

Speaker 53 I don't know. It's weird.

Speaker 28 It's not fun enough. That's what she literally said.

Speaker 15 She's like, I want to get you something like fun for you.

Speaker 79 And fun for her is like jewelry because she's a jewelry gal.

Speaker 8 But all I wanted was a vacuum.

Speaker 9 But if you would have gotten me a vacuum on Valentine's Day, I would have been a little sad.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 46 It's like, you can, you gotta get me.

Speaker 9 I guess I'll go hang out with you.

Speaker 33 But do you, do you guys,

Speaker 59 do you guys still big though for Valentine's Day?

Speaker 33 I mean, like, because, like, me and Brian, we just,

Speaker 33 I mean, he got me a nicer present than I got him, but, like, it was, they were both, like, pretty modest presents.

Speaker 50 So, I think it depends on what it is.

Speaker 44 Like, we, we're at this point, we're five years in, so we really talk about what we're gonna do for the holidays, our birthdays, or Valentine's Day.

Speaker 28 Like, my birthday, he's like, What do you want?

Speaker 25 I don't know what to give you.

Speaker 15 I'm like, honestly, I want to go on Facebook Marketplace together, pick out some shit I don't need, and drive all over town and get it together.

Speaker 58 Like, that's that's my idea.

Speaker 15 It doesn't have to be expensive, it just has to like have thought, which I get Nick's gift was very thoughtful.

Speaker 36 Like, you're back, you can't vacuum because of your back. I'm gonna get you a vacuum.

Speaker 55 Get the Roomba, but then you still, Roombas are like, She's like, it was his job, though.

Speaker 25 It was his job, But a Roomba is a fake vacuum.

Speaker 28 Like, they don't get everything.

Speaker 26 So it's like, the Roomba does the small little maintenance, but you got to go do the deep clean still.

Speaker 47 So you're not off the hook.

Speaker 47 Not off the hook. We have stairs, too.

Speaker 28 You have stairs.

Speaker 15 Okay, so you need to vacuum the stairs.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 51 There you go. Thank you guys for sharing.

Speaker 15 It was very brave, especially sitting here in the front row.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 72 everybody loves a vacuum. Don't get yourself.

Speaker 72 I actually came home the other day and I said, Morgan, look what I bought myself. And what did she say?

Speaker 9 A vacuum.

Speaker 72 And what else did you say?

Speaker 9 It's a Dyson.

Speaker 72 No, you said something else.

Speaker 72 I wanted to give you a vacuum.

Speaker 75 Oh, I had already bought you a vacuum. So now we have an extra.

Speaker 9 Anyways,

Speaker 9 you're off the hook.

Speaker 54 I'm done. You did a great job, though.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 72 And just,

Speaker 72 you know, I say, I didn't go too far off the rails.

Speaker 9 No, not too far at all.

Speaker 33 Actually, like, turn it up a little bit because it entertains me, honestly.

Speaker 8 Honestly, the masturbation line was great.

Speaker 32 We might need that on a t-shirt next.

Speaker 9 One

Speaker 3 Okay, this next one is a Reddit story, also coming from Irvine, and it is juicy.

Speaker 28 So, this is coming from the best of Redditor updates, 17 hours old.

Speaker 9 Ooh,

Speaker 70 spring chicken.

Speaker 9 Spring chicken.

Speaker 25 My husband wants everyone to know I'm not pure.

Speaker 11 It's exactly what the title says.

Speaker 28 I've been with my fiancé for six years and engaged for the past eight months.

Speaker 53 I've been doing most of the wedding planning, but my fiancé, let's call him Ryan, will give his input here and there.

Speaker 15 So, about a month ago, Ryan out of nowhere said he was talking to some of his coworkers and thinks that I shouldn't wear a white dress.

Speaker 52 This was totally weird to me.

Speaker 25 Ryan is a very artistic guy, so I figured this was more about how the photos would turn out or something along those lines.

Speaker 24 But I'm set on wearing white.

Speaker 28 I told him this and I could see that he was annoyed, but he let it go.

Speaker 15 Two weeks ago, I finally picked and paid for my dress, and this caused a huge argument.

Speaker 70 Ryan again came to me very annoyed.

Speaker 55 He asked to see the dress I picked, but I said no because I wanted it to be a surprise for our wedding day.

Speaker 15 He asked me to at least tell him what color it was.

Speaker 29 And when I said white, he threw a fit.

Speaker 9 I...

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, I like this.

Speaker 55 I honestly do not see why this was a big deal.

Speaker 28 Almost everyone wears white on their wedding day.

Speaker 15 When I asked him what color he thought I'd be wearing, he told me I should wear red.

Speaker 52 Again, this was super weird to me.

Speaker 70 I asked him why I would wear red to our wedding, and he told me that brides only wear white when they are pure.

Speaker 9 Oh my god, run,

Speaker 34 run!

Speaker 33 It's interesting how that's actually

Speaker 33 not factual. There's zero stats around that, but go off.

Speaker 33 Woohoo!

Speaker 28 First on background, Ryan and I started dating when I was 21 and he had just turned 20.

Speaker 44 He was a virgin when we met, and I only had one other person who was my ex-boyfriend of four years throughout high school.

Speaker 80 This caused a lot of problems the first year of our relationship, and we almost did not continue dating because of how insecure he felt.

Speaker 39 After that first year, it was never a problem again.

Speaker 58 Until now, I guess.

Speaker 25 He went to his mom about all of this, thinking she would convince me.

Speaker 74 Oh my god, please.

Speaker 9 His mom!

Speaker 9 It all makes sense.

Speaker 9 But,

Speaker 9 but,

Speaker 58 she's on my side.

Speaker 9 A very rare mother-in-law win.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 59 What a wild way to try to publicly shame the person that you love.

Speaker 33 Sorry, you don't deserve white.

Speaker 43 You actually have to do red because you're tainted.

Speaker 9 What the fuck?

Speaker 81 And when you say it like that, that like hurt. I like, I'm offended.

Speaker 9 Like, my feelings got hurt.

Speaker 28 So, two nights ago, Ryan, his mom, and I stood in our living room and argued about my sex life being shown in a dress.

Speaker 32 His mom stated that he is no longer a virgin either.

Speaker 76 So maybe he should wear red too.

Speaker 9 I was gonna say that. I was like, okay, mom.
Next sweating, all red, buddy.

Speaker 40 All red.

Speaker 48 And

Speaker 15 he bursted out crying.

Speaker 9 Fucking bitch. Perfect.

Speaker 9 Just like we mentioned before, you resort to crying. Right, ew.

Speaker 46 We lost a baby.

Speaker 28 Ryan is still stating that me wearing white would be deceiving all of our guests and that it is different for guys.

Speaker 9 I think on this one we need the year.

Speaker 9 Is this one from the 1400s or the 1500s?

Speaker 25 The original post is from 2022.

Speaker 28 It's very modern.

Speaker 64 And I scrolled up and I lost my spot.

Speaker 9 I'm so sorry, guys.

Speaker 35 We're recording Morgan's debut single soon.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 It's been a long time coming. I found it.

Speaker 25 This all has honestly made me question even marrying this man.

Speaker 75 I don't know if it's just because everything is so fresh, but I'm really disgusted by him.

Speaker 15 He's not even religious.

Speaker 18 So I know.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 16 Oh my god, I just snotted.

Speaker 81 Wow. You're just violent for no reason.

Speaker 33 Like, you just woke up and you're like,

Speaker 81 okay,

Speaker 81 Easy A, like.

Speaker 8 Justified violence. Yeah.

Speaker 28 So I know this is just about him still thinking about me losing my virginity at 18 before I even knew him.

Speaker 25 I just needed to rant to anyone about how psycho this is.

Speaker 78 What do I do?

Speaker 33 There's no future.

Speaker 54 There's no future.

Speaker 14 This is done.

Speaker 44 Someone that's gonna belittle you on what's supposed to be the most magical special day of your life that you're spending thousands of dollars for, likely,

Speaker 43 for what?

Speaker 28 You wanna look more superior than me?

Speaker 52 You're not a virgin either, bitch.

Speaker 35 Isn't it scary to think that it was a problem the first year and then it seemingly went away, but it was still there the entire time, and we just do not communicate.

Speaker 33 I have something to say, but I'm gonna wait because I feel really bad I interrupted Alejandra.

Speaker 9 So, wait, you didn't interrupt me in a different story.

Speaker 30 I did.

Speaker 9 That doesn't work like that. Take the mic.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 23 Love ya. Passing the mic to Lauren.

Speaker 9 No. Go, Lauren.
No, no.

Speaker 30 I really want to be the last to say something.

Speaker 9 It's like I'm in, I feel like I got a cold cold and

Speaker 9 I wasn't prepared to answer.

Speaker 81 So I'm going to let you kick it off.

Speaker 59 You got it, Lauren.

Speaker 70 I'm sorry, I keep taking your mic.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 44 what I'm thinking, I don't know how many people here are familiar with every single episode, but what this reminds me of so much

Speaker 9 is the episode where the girl got pulled into a room.

Speaker 9 Yes. The hymen

Speaker 9 Thank you. Yes.

Speaker 59 And the guy said, I cannot marry you unless my dad and my uncle check your hymen.

Speaker 33 Yeah, we were.

Speaker 33 Check your hymen to make sure that you have not had sex with anyone before me.

Speaker 42 And she laughed.

Speaker 33 She's like, you're kidding, right?

Speaker 30 No. He said, my mom did it.

Speaker 44 It's a part of our tradition.

Speaker 33 All the males in our family have to spread your legs and make sure that you have not had sex with anybody else.

Speaker 50 That's what this is giving me.

Speaker 9 It's so weird.

Speaker 9 I did too until this story.

Speaker 46 It does give that vibe because it's the same level.

Speaker 43 Well, no, no, the hymen is obviously way worse, way worse.

Speaker 33 Yeah, assault, like it's like awful.

Speaker 50 It's literally assault.

Speaker 80 But at the same time, it's like you want to humiliate your partner for what?

Speaker 9 Like for what?

Speaker 32 You also should be wearing red then.

Speaker 16 This is not the easy A movie.

Speaker 28 This isn't scarlet leader. Do you want her up there with her dress saying, I fucked him before this?

Speaker 59 Like, what do you...

Speaker 9 Come on. I'm not a virgin.

Speaker 20 I'll be wearing white.

Speaker 5 I'm not doing no cream yellow or whatever the bullshit is.

Speaker 9 Like, come on.

Speaker 9 Even if...

Speaker 34 Theoretically, I know it would never happen.

Speaker 35 Even if she did wear a freaking red dress,

Speaker 35 he still wouldn't be over it.

Speaker 9 No. This isn't forever.
He probably would.

Speaker 21 Totally.

Speaker 66 He's clearly so insecure.

Speaker 55 And I don't know how you've been with him for five years, and it was only noticeable in the first.

Speaker 35 Because maybe he hit it, but that's what's fucking scary about people.

Speaker 33 Dude, Justin, you make a good point. Because honestly, he probably would look back at wedding pictures and be like, you destroyed all of our wedding photos because you had to wear red.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah. He just sounds like that.
Truly. Goodbye.

Speaker 79 So the top comment on the original post: look, if he's this insecure after six years together, things are not going to improve.

Speaker 61 Yeah, six years.

Speaker 61 Six years.

Speaker 7 If you don't.

Speaker 15 I'm like really trying to be the devil's advocate for him right now.

Speaker 56 And I'm like,

Speaker 69 I'm like, but I'm trying, I'm trying, right?

Speaker 18 I'm an empathetic person.

Speaker 43 I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.

Speaker 76 No, there's no way.

Speaker 36 I can't.

Speaker 43 Even if I put myself in hell, I can't justify this.

Speaker 9 Hey.

Speaker 9 I can't.

Speaker 81 I like that.

Speaker 9 oh

Speaker 12 i know they're not married but divorced is he going to mention your impurity in his wedding speech is he going to try to leverage this in your marriage to get what he wants yep is he going to demand paternity tests for your children

Speaker 32 i'd seriously consider what you are signing up for dude sounds messed up as fuck

Speaker 71 he does need therapy that's for sure and it's not in a negative way like therapy, we love therapy in this house.

Speaker 22 We all support therapy.

Speaker 41 I need it, you need it, we all need it.

Speaker 9 Love therapy.

Speaker 50 So, are we ready for the update?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Oh, that's my dad back there. Jerry, what are you doing back there?

Speaker 33 I don't even. I can't even.

Speaker 9 Wait, how many of you see that?

Speaker 9 Letters.

Speaker 15 So he is chanting D T D

Speaker 5 dump the dude.

Speaker 9 Dump the dude.

Speaker 28 He's really trying to make this.

Speaker 39 It's a movement.

Speaker 70 It's like Gretchen and Fetch.

Speaker 81 Not going to make Fetch happen.

Speaker 36 Stop trying to make Fetch happen.

Speaker 21 But he's not far off.

Speaker 15 It is a good chant.

Speaker 32 I like it. If he had a mic, I think it would have gone further.

Speaker 5 So, okay, you guys.

Speaker 25 The original post was November 9th, 2022.

Speaker 9 Okay?

Speaker 56 The update, March 7th, 2024.

Speaker 50 Last week, baby.

Speaker 81 We got love.

Speaker 80 This is my update a little over one year later on the whole situation.

Speaker 2 I will start by saying, I did not get married.

Speaker 28 Ryan made that decision quite easy for me.

Speaker 76 I remember reading a comment that said, I had to already have been done with the relationship for me to move on so fast.

Speaker 79 That statement was very true.

Speaker 28 We didn't read that comment, sorry.

Speaker 28 As much as I want to be the bigger person and not slander Ryan, he deserves it.

Speaker 9 Throw him under the bus.

Speaker 25 I won't get into all of our issues, but there are some big ones that I would like to address.

Speaker 76 The absolute deal-breaker for me had nothing to do with the red dress, but instead was all of the little lies that built up throughout our entire relationship.

Speaker 9 I'm ready.

Speaker 15 Ryan is very smart.

Speaker 78 I can't take that away from him.

Speaker 76 We actually met because even though I'm a year older than him, he graduated a year before me.

Speaker 15 We had mutual classes.

Speaker 14 For someone so smart, he always got caught in dumb lies.

Speaker 15 As far as I know, he never cheated on me.

Speaker 28 That was something that I know a lot of people assumed, but even now, I don't believe it.

Speaker 75 There was never any big lie that caused massive drama, but rather a mountain of little lies that just always made me question why.

Speaker 79 He would lie to people about having allergies.

Speaker 76 He would lie about stopping for food before coming home.

Speaker 22 He would lie about losing weight.

Speaker 11 Parentheses, he is a healthy weight with a very normal build.

Speaker 47 He would just lie about so many things that did not matter.

Speaker 25 My issue with this is I had absolutely no trust in the man over literally anything.

Speaker 36 I never held him back from doing things.

Speaker 32 He never asked permission to do things.

Speaker 52 So him going out of his way to lie about meaningless things really made me start to resent him.

Speaker 79 I do not think he ever talked to his coworkers about the dress.

Speaker 11 I think that was another lie.

Speaker 52 After telling him I did not want to be together anymore, I asked him about everything that happened surrounding the wedding.

Speaker 44 I got no real answers out of him, and until this day, I have no real closure.

Speaker 70 My best assumption is that he got sucked into misogynistic forums surrounding purity and made up a story to bring it up to me.

Speaker 9 But what about him? Yeah.

Speaker 79 Sorry. My intrusive thought.

Speaker 15 Our breakup was pretty nasty since he talked about me a lot online.

Speaker 11 For the most part, I did have support.

Speaker 28 No one ever reached out to me or threatened me, but it's still annoying having my feed filled with rumors I cheated and broke up our engagement over nothing.

Speaker 25 There was a lot of name-calling as well.

Speaker 56 Apparently, I'm ran through.

Speaker 9 I'm fat.

Speaker 54 I let myself go.

Speaker 28 I look miserable without him.

Speaker 28 He's probably ugly, Ellen.

Speaker 59 He's probably ugly.

Speaker 28 Yes, he probably is.

Speaker 15 Eventually, he stopped on his own as I never acknowledged any of it.

Speaker 56 Even with the online harassment, he never really fought to save our engagement.

Speaker 15 I was actually hurt by how he seemed equally as ready to part ways. We have no contact with each other at all, but I do know the last month he actually got engaged again.

Speaker 63 Wear red, bitch.

Speaker 28 All I know about the girl is that she is 23.

Speaker 70 So the guy, not the girl.

Speaker 9 I'll scroll up after I read the update.

Speaker 14 Otherwise, I'm going to lose my spot on this fucking iPad.

Speaker 33 He was like a year younger than her, I think.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 51 All I know about the girl is that she is 23, a hardcore Catholic, and actually looks very sweet.

Speaker 54 For her sake, I hope they work out.

Speaker 46 I hear my dad back in.

Speaker 15 Is that Jerry?

Speaker 81 For sure, that was Jerry.

Speaker 28 My dad, for those that didn't clearly hear it, I unfortunately did.

Speaker 50 I think he should run with the bulls in Italy.

Speaker 17 I do not still talk to Ryan's mom.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry to disappoint.

Speaker 28 She was very kind to me through everything, but for me to continue talking to her would be a bit weird.

Speaker 44 I still got a happy birthday text and a Merry Christmas.

Speaker 54 That's very sweet, because that was a mother-in-law with a W.

Speaker 15 I did have a date two weeks after I called off my engagement.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 9 Okay, okay.

Speaker 28 That didn't go anywhere, and it was never meant to be. For me, the date was to just see if I felt any guilt for moving on.

Speaker 11 Which I had none.

Speaker 9 Perfect. Perfect.

Speaker 32 I had a huge career shift two months ago and I'm now living in Philadelphia, far away from all the drama.

Speaker 15 I'm happy with where I'm at, and he seems happy with his life.

Speaker 36 I don't think I'll ever have to interact with him again.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry for waiting so long to update.

Speaker 22 There was just never really a right moment.

Speaker 47 There are also probably many grammatical errors for whatever.

Speaker 15 If anyone is interested, I do have pictures of the dress.

Speaker 75 Do you have it? No, she didn't share. Oh, damn.

Speaker 49 She didn't share. I'm gonna go.

Speaker 55 I'll check the username though, just to be sure.

Speaker 21 Just to be sure.

Speaker 9 Wow. Good for her.
We love a happy ending. I love ending the show on a happy ending.

Speaker 9 It doesn't always go like that.

Speaker 64 Oh, I don't see a picture of the dress.

Speaker 46 But yeah, I can't believe he's engaged already.

Speaker 9 I can. I can too.
I can. Really? The free.
Of course.

Speaker 5 Of course.

Speaker 28 Dude, she must be a virgin.

Speaker 7 Well, yeah, she's Catholic.

Speaker 9 Girl. That that doesn't.

Speaker 29 It does maybe add up.

Speaker 28 What do we, this literally someone yelling, they're Catholic, just puts my head in the Mormon soaking phase

Speaker 33 where people are like, soaking, soaking isn't sex.

Speaker 26 If you're not moving the bed, it doesn't count.

Speaker 33 What's so crazy is that I learned about that like later in life.

Speaker 68 I didn't know that was how long ago, a month ago?

Speaker 81 Wait, I learned about that a minute ago when you said it.

Speaker 9 You learned about about it how long ago?

Speaker 61 I'm today years old learning that.

Speaker 81 Does this mean right now you're just

Speaker 9 like the bachelor? Never.

Speaker 33 He was, yeah. So one of like our friends actually hooked up with him and he literally asked

Speaker 9 the tea.

Speaker 33 Yeah, you guys all know who she is. I'm not gonna say her name on here, but like

Speaker 9 I know who it is. I'm not gonna say her name.

Speaker 33 But like, yeah, this guy that was like, he won the bachelor this one season and then anyway, they didn't work out clearly. And he wanted to like soak.
Was that the meme?

Speaker 50 Is that what it's called? Soak?

Speaker 9 He asked?

Speaker 9 With our friend.

Speaker 54 Did they do it?

Speaker 30 Do you know?

Speaker 81 No.

Speaker 81 She explained it.

Speaker 28 Because I was like, I've never heard of that before.

Speaker 33 And she's like, yeah, sometimes people go underneath the bed and take the bed and rock it back and forth. Because,

Speaker 66 which is so crazy to me.

Speaker 33 Like, I was like, I didn't know that was a thing.

Speaker 15 But apparently it is.

Speaker 78 So, yeah. Do you know that?

Speaker 9 Doesn't his thing?

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

Speaker 9 I don't think it's his thing.

Speaker 33 Yeah, so apparently, like, was he a virgin?

Speaker 15 Was he saving it?

Speaker 33 I don't know. Like, I guess in his terms.

Speaker 33 But apparently, it's like the idea of sex is just like, if you're making the motion yourself, but if you just like are there, apparently it doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 33 And so, yeah, that's why they're like, they'll have a third party that will shake the bed underneath, which is so wild to me. Like,

Speaker 70 I don't get it. I don't get it either.

Speaker 43 I'm sorry.

Speaker 44 Just the tip, it still fucking counts, unfortunately.

Speaker 35 And not to mention you have people in there moving the bed.

Speaker 66 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 That makes it more of an orgy, though. Like, what? Yeah, like an orgy.
If other people are involved, that becomes orgy level, which I think, in the eyes of God, is worse.

Speaker 38 Let us know.

Speaker 27 And last but not least, because Chicago was incredible, we have a confession that blew everyone away, especially Chris Clemens.

Speaker 29 So enjoy.

Speaker 57 Okay, this next part is the confessions.

Speaker 57 Yeah,

Speaker 57 everyone put their seatbelts on. Don't worry, we will not be sharing any names.
I actually deleted them out of the column to make sure I didn't have any seatbelts.

Speaker 57 You're gonna see why.

Speaker 57 This first one.

Speaker 57 I basically turkey-basted my child,

Speaker 57 and now I have a beautiful life married to the father. Basically, I was in love with this guy.
I knew before we even met on our first date. Call me naive, but it felt like fate.

Speaker 57 About three to four months in, he wouldn't commit, but I didn't want to stop seeing him. One night, we were hammered.
After we did the deed, he put the condom into the box and threw it away.

Speaker 57 You're in this room?

Speaker 57 That's faithful.

Speaker 57 We're in the same room.

Speaker 57 I know.

Speaker 57 After he left, I went to the bathroom. I saw it in the box and gave it to my intrusive thoughts.

Speaker 57 I took the used condom and squeezed all I could onto myself.

Speaker 57 It was like a go-kart.

Speaker 57 I had no idea it would work.

Speaker 57 I didn't even

Speaker 57 thought it might work. Otherwise, I don't know why you're doing that, just for shits and gays.

Speaker 57 Do it for the pod.

Speaker 57 I didn't even know where in my cycle I was. I was just like, haha.

Speaker 57 Can you imagine? I was so drunk when I did this that I forgot I had even had this mental break moment. Well, imagine, because I missed my next period.

Speaker 53 At first, he was an asshole.

Speaker 57 Obviously, shock and fear was apparent. We agreed to get to know each other and just take things slow.
Eventually, he was spending the night more than not.

Speaker 57 He moved in by the time I was five months pregnant. He was telling me he loves me before I ever voiced it.
We fell more and more in love. We had our child and have been together since.

Speaker 57 We've had more kids, have pets, do homes, or no, have a home, do vacations.

Speaker 57 We do homes.

Speaker 57 We have fallen so deeply in love and are each other's best friends. I have not told a single soul about this because I know it would crush everything.

Speaker 57 He's the best father, partner, friend,

Speaker 57 but he would never trust me again. So here it goes.
I'm one person, I'm telling you.

Speaker 57 One.

Speaker 57 She knew I was on here though, right?

Speaker 57 I mean it was pretty clear on the form what was happening. She missed the instructions.
She thought she was just talking to you.

Speaker 57 I used to have this fear when I was in my, you know, my New York phase. You know, I've talked about it on the show a few times.
I think a lot of people have this fear.

Speaker 57 Well, I often would find something to put it in and leave with it because I was too nervous. I'm not going to be the guy that flushes because I don't want to fuck the shit up.

Speaker 57 I dated a guy that flushed, and every single time I was like, You live too close to the beach, that is going into that ocean for sure.

Speaker 57 Yeah, so is that why the ocean's so salty?

Speaker 57 Yes, sir.

Speaker 57 Sure, that is okay.

Speaker 57 I'll let come. No, that's why Drake pours hot sauce into his chicken.

Speaker 57 Yes.

Speaker 57 Oh my god. No, I don't.
Oh my god, that chicken would have come out extra spicy.

Speaker 57 Wow.

Speaker 57 It was the same thing, though. I had a friend who, like, everyone thought he was like perfect.
Like, just literally, they would call him like Kendall. And he,

Speaker 57 I think I talked about this on the podcast, but like, he, till this day, will leave with his condoms. They'll never, ever let them stay in the the girl's garbage can.

Speaker 57 And honestly,

Speaker 57 I guess he's smart.

Speaker 57 Shelby is not dead.

Speaker 57 Make a mess and take it with you.

Speaker 57 I thought he was so crazy for that. Now I'm like, never mind.

Speaker 57 Never mind, indeed.

Speaker 57 Up next.

Speaker 29 I know, how do you follow that?

Speaker 57 Trust me,

Speaker 57 read that good stuff.

Speaker 57 My husband found out his dad is not his his dad. He wanted to keep it a secret, but I told my sister-in-law, who's at the show,

Speaker 57 and she then told her husband.

Speaker 57 She, of course, told brother-in-law, and he found out his dad also isn't his dad.

Speaker 57 No one has confronted the parents about this. Found out they're sperm daughter babies.
Can't talk about this live, but email me if you want the full story.

Speaker 57 Everyone in Chicago is connected, and we don't want anything getting back to the in-laws.

Speaker 57 What? A pair of blue balls.

Speaker 57 What?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 57 It's turning into like Maury or Juice Fringer IR. You really?

Speaker 57 Like,

Speaker 57 it's two hot takes has now become paternity test, which

Speaker 57 something's happening here. This is wild.

Speaker 57 Y'all are dirty birds here in Chicago.

Speaker 57 No.

Speaker 3 Thank you guys so, so much for joining me on this episode. I know it's not traditional.
I know it's a little different than what we usually do.

Speaker 10 And audio quality might not be up to my usual par, but thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 11 And again, if you want more traditional episodes, more crazy Reddit stories,

Speaker 3 come over to Patreon. We basically have three full bonus episodes this month because I did an extra bonus episode for the unhinged tier.

Speaker 4 And coming in October, we are going to have more live show content.

Speaker 25 There's so, so many more amazing stories that we read.

Speaker 11 Every story on this last tour was just insane, made even more insane by you guys all reacting.

Speaker 10 So, again, hope to see you out on tour.

Speaker 3 And thanks for joining me this week.

Speaker 58 Until next time, bye.

Speaker 65 There's about 10 seconds left on the clock. The Instacart shopper has to nail this handoff.
He's flying down the sidewalk. He's looking for the receiver.
Lining up the pass.

Speaker 9 And he did it!

Speaker 65 Game day is saved!

Speaker 63 Wait, Dad, did you forget, Div?

Speaker 9 And we're back!

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