162: NOT Too Stunned to Speak.. Ft. Spencewuah

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Speaker 1 We cover a lot of hot takes on this show, but here's something that's just a smart take: staying in control of your body after unprotected sex. Enter Plan B: Emergency Contraception.

Speaker 1 It's safe, effective, backup birth control you take after unprotected sex to help prevent pregnancy before it starts. You have up to 72 hours after unprotected sex to take it.

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Speaker 1 It's been so long.

Speaker 2 I know. I know.

Speaker 1 It's been too long.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm here.

Speaker 1 It's gonna be a more regular thing and you've got a lot going on. You know, you're piercing stuff, quitting vaping.
Yeah. You've had some big things happen recently.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I actually, like, I really, I want to show you.

Speaker 1 Like, do you get tattooed too?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I thought you had.

Speaker 2 No. You can see like where the patches were.
Oh my gosh. Like, actually, like, this side, you can see it more.
I think it's like I like allergic to the let me adhesive.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was like allergic to the adhesive because you can see exactly where it was on my skin and it's like all dry and cracked. And I've been like having to moisturize.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm so proud of you. Thank you.
Everyone, give Spencer a round of applause, a positive comment for quitting vaping. And if you out there vape, you can do it too.

Speaker 2 It's a lot of work, but you got it, babe. It's a lot, a lot of, no, it's like actually, i can't imagine i was i was surprised with how well i did i i do think it was because of the patches yeah but

Speaker 2 if

Speaker 2 i i mean like i'd have friends over and they would vape in front of me and because oh that would be so like triggering but i i feel like it wasn't because i had the patch and i was just like i don't have any like i wasn't like oh i need it because it's like the what the way the patch works is it's it does like a step program.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So it goes down in seven milligram increments.
Wow. So the first step, it's like 21 milligrams.
It's released throughout the whole day.

Speaker 1 It lasts, it's like a

Speaker 1 extended release at all.

Speaker 2 Right. But it's like for a week and a half.
Yeah. And then step two, it's 14 milligrams.
Okay. And then I like means you.
Yeah. And I just finished the, well, I didn't finish it.

Speaker 2 I just don't want to wear it anymore, the seven milligram one because of like the sticky, the skin reaction.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just not.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm so proud. So, so proud.
That's such a big accomplishment.

Speaker 2 You did it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, today's theme that I have for you.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's going to be like too stunned to speak.

Speaker 2 Too stunned? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Too stunned.
Like, I read, like, I read a couple of them, but I'm going in blind with you. Just based on like the title, I was like, oh, my God, what is this going to be?

Speaker 1 Like, I'm, I'm stunned off the title.

Speaker 1 You'll see when we get into that.

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh. I'm so scared.

Speaker 1 But they're good ones. I think we're in for a bit of a wild ride.
but what was that audio it was on tick tock for a while wasn't it like she was too stunned to speak yeah what was that um it was um

Speaker 2 the woman was too stunned to speak and then it's like the camera revolving around her i know exactly what you're talking about that's me today

Speaker 2 that's me i'm terrified like i'm not terrified i'm just like like i'm excited but i also like

Speaker 2 I don't know that we like the theme is like too stunned to speak, but like the themes themselves, like I don't know them yet. So I guess I'll have to.

Speaker 1 Buckle up, baby. Buckle up, baby.

Speaker 2 Buckling up.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's dive in. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm nervous. I'm ready.
Like, I'm just like, I'm just like. No, you got this.
I got this. It's going to be good.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We're starting off with a little bit of a warm-up, okay? Okay, perfect.

Speaker 1 This is three hours old, coming from AITAH, titled, Am I the Asshole for Breaking Up With My Girlfriend After Finding Out She Has a Pen Pal in Prison?

Speaker 1 see, the theme is working.

Speaker 2 I like, I feel like I need to know more.

Speaker 1 Been dating this woman for about seven months now. Things are fine.
We are both in our early 20s. I don't like to snoop or anything like that, and I'm generally pretty trusting.

Speaker 1 However, after moving into my apartment, I started noticing letters coming in from a prison LOL. I decided to open one and found out that it was to my girlfriend.

Speaker 1 And it was a very descriptive letter and almost flirtatious. He talked about getting out and starting a new life and visiting her.

Speaker 1 I asked my girlfriend about this and she said that he was an old friend and that I don't have anything to worry about. She said that she can talk to him about anything and enjoys getting the letters.

Speaker 1 When asked about the flirtatious nature, she said they used to see each other, but that was in the past. And he knows that.

Speaker 1 I decided to look this guy up and found out he has a lengthy criminal record, such as drug paraphernalia, possession, hit and run, assault, and robbery.

Speaker 1 He's been in prison for three years and still has another 18 months until he's out. I decided that it wasn't worth it to keep seeing her, as this could potentially be dangerous.
Am I the asshole?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 No, sir.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel like I had to know

Speaker 2 what he was in prison for. I feel like if it was like, she was like, yeah,

Speaker 2 he went to jail when we were in high school and we were really good friends, but like, he was just caught up in the wrong crowd.

Speaker 2 And, like, I'm just here for him now as a person, just like he has someone to talk to. I'd be like,

Speaker 2 maybe, but the fact, like, this is for your own safety, too. Like, if he's already being flirtatious and he's been and he's in jail for assault,

Speaker 2 I could not imagine, like, imagine what he would do to you if, like,

Speaker 2 oh, there's just so much to unpack here that I just

Speaker 1 no. And he's got this idea.
He's flirty. He's talking about, I'm excited to get out and start my life and come visit you.
So it's like, there's some hope that like she'll be waiting for

Speaker 2 and to have that destroyed.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like he's going to show up at your house where the letters are coming to visit her and you happen to be there.

Speaker 2 That sounds a little like

Speaker 2 a little risky. A little like a tiptoe.

Speaker 1 Hit and run assault and robbery. Those aren't like little things.

Speaker 2 The little thing.

Speaker 1 No, if it would have just been the drug paraphernalia and possession, I would have been like, oh, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 2 You know, but hit and run.

Speaker 2 And then the assault. I just, I feel

Speaker 2 in the back of my head, at least, like the way I'm thinking about it is if I were in that situation and I had a partner and they were getting letters from someone who was in jail for assault.

Speaker 2 I feel like the main concern I have is like the assault charge because it's like, you can get violent. And I don't want to like be caught in the crossfire because did she even tell the guy in prison?

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, yeah. She told him that like she's with someone and it's over and like they have nothing.
But then at the same time, wait, they used to have a thing. They used to have a thing.
And they're

Speaker 1 30. I know.
So she's like giving him false hope, I feel like.

Speaker 2 Imagine him knocking on the door. You answer.
And it's like, oh, hey, my girlfriend's not home right now. And he's like, girlfriend?

Speaker 1 I thought that was my girlfriend, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 There's no comments from OP yet. It is only three hours old, so we'll have to keep an eye on it.

Speaker 1 But they've only been together seven months. Like, cut your losses and move on.

Speaker 2 Yeah. At least this has like

Speaker 2 seven months as in they've been boyfriend, girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's not too bad. Like, no, get out of there.
Get out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Top comment, not the asshole.
Even if you take out the prison part, she has flirtatious communications with an ex-boyfriend and doesn't see an an issue with that.

Speaker 1 So you're certainly justified in not wanting to deal with that. You shouldn't have been snooping through her mail and should have asked her about the letters instead of opening one.
I agree.

Speaker 1 But ultimately, that doesn't change what she's doing.

Speaker 2 I also, but like, here's my thing. I hate, I, I really do.
I hate to be that person, but it's like, if one of my girlfriends hits me up, right? And they're like, I have a feeling my man is cheating.

Speaker 2 I want to look through his phone. I would support you.
Like, if you're my, I'm going to be like, okay, like, if you want to look through his phone, I got you, but it's like, don't be,

Speaker 2 don't get angry and don't overreact if you find what you're looking for, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I feel like in this situation, if I was living with someone and we had been together for seven months and I saw they were getting letters from prison,

Speaker 2 I mean, yes, I would ask about it, but I'd also be like, we're together. We live together.
I kind of want to know what's tea. Like, I want to know what's up.

Speaker 2 So forgive me, but I'm opening up this letter. And I mean, like, if it was a family member, I would apologize and I'd be like, so sorry.
I didn't know. Like that, it wasn't my place to do that.

Speaker 2 But the fact that it's a man that she's been communicating that she used to date and he's flirtatious with her, it's kind of just like,

Speaker 2 well, thank God I did open the letter because if I hadn't, who knows if she would have lied to me.

Speaker 1 I was just going to say that.

Speaker 1 You sometimes have to like read it like very well because if you are with a person that you don't trust completely, it's also tough giving them the opportunity to lie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you have to ask yourself: if I don't trust them, why am I with them?

Speaker 1 So it's like, if you're going through phones, if you're messaging their friends behind their backs, or if you're doing kind of things to like catch them, you're probably just not with the right person anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That makes so much.
I actually recently just stopped talking to somebody and I had to just

Speaker 2 dip out of there.

Speaker 2 I actually, Drew posted a video, and I, I'm not saying this was, this might have been the same thing this was the catalyst yeah well this was afterwards and I was like Drew you really I sent it to her too I think I actually texted her last night and I said I needed this um it literally was in the video Drew was like do you actually like him or do you like him because you know he likes you oh And I was like, whoa.

Speaker 2 She was like, are you settling because you know he likes you? And I feel like that's what I was doing.

Speaker 2 But I'm really glad that I caught myself because there were like prior to me stopping to like talking to him. I'm just spilling the tea right now for no reason.
My bad.

Speaker 2 I met him.

Speaker 2 I never met him in person. I actually, it was when I was in

Speaker 2 Vermont for the Paramount thing. We like matched on Tinder.

Speaker 2 We started talking for like a while, sort of FaceTiming every night, but it got to a point where if I wasn't answering him right away or not devoting all of my time to him.

Speaker 2 It was like he thought I hated hated him because of his like past relationships. Yeah, because of his past relationship.
He was insecure.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Was he nice to me? Yeah. But also

Speaker 2 the way that there was, I always had to like give and provide reassurance. Like I was sending him five paragraph messages maybe towards like me ending things like talking to him.

Speaker 2 Maybe I think I sent him three like five paragraph messages within a week.

Speaker 1 Which after like only two months and not having like really connected in person, met in person.

Speaker 2 I was like, Yeah,

Speaker 1 I was like, this is too much.

Speaker 2 And then I like did, I posted a video not about like, not necessarily about him, but like the circumstances of just like, I understand if you have trauma from past relationships, but like, don't bring them into new ones.

Speaker 2 Like, you need to like see a therapist or like, yes. And he ended up messaging me and he was like, for you to like use my trauma as content and this and other.

Speaker 2 And I literally was like, this isn't about you. This is about like personal experiences that I have had.
And I'm sorry. Cause like, he's not the only person that's like brought in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We all have our own baggage, but you can't, you can't let it impact your next relationship.

Speaker 1 And if you do, then it just shows you're not healed and you need to work on yourself, whether that's alone with therapy, love therapy. And that's not using that against.

Speaker 2 That's weird. Yeah, that's weird.
Also, the fact that you messaged me, sorry, if the shoe fits.

Speaker 2 If the shoe fits. And that's on that.
Because if it, like,

Speaker 2 if the shoe, that's what I have to say.

Speaker 1 If the shoe fits, oh, there's sometimes I'll have like, and I, I'm so sensitive and I know it, but like, I'll have a friend that like,

Speaker 1 like, post something, and I'm like, is this about me?

Speaker 1 I'm just like, I'm, I sometimes I make it fit, even if it doesn't, because I'm just like, so in my head sometimes.

Speaker 2 Well, like, I do that too, but it's because I want it to be about me because I'm conceited and I love it. I'm like, yeah, this is about me.

Speaker 2 I'm a Leo. What can I say?

Speaker 1 You are such a Leo,

Speaker 1 which makes me so confused about Justin because he's a Leo, but like doesn't give... He's kind of a cuspy, though.

Speaker 2 When is he?

Speaker 1 August 20th.

Speaker 2 Oh, see, like, I'm a cuspy, but I'm July 23rd. Like, I'm the first day of Leo, last day of cancer.

Speaker 1 Okay. He was also born a little early.

Speaker 2 So yeah,

Speaker 2 I was born a little early, too. I think I was supposed to be born on the 26th or the 28th of July, and and I was born the 23rd.
Oh, wow. Yeah, my mom.

Speaker 1 So you were really supposed to be.

Speaker 2 My mom went in and she literally was like, Hey, he's coming. And our water hadn't broken yet.
And the doctor was like, No, he's not. And my mom was like, You don't know my baby.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, he wants out. He wants out of his mama.
He's going to be born tomorrow morning. And I was.
I was born. She was in the hospital July 22nd and I was born July 23rd in the morning.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. A psychic.

Speaker 2 My mom knew.

Speaker 1 That like intuition and like just feeling your body is so crazy.

Speaker 2 That's like motherly intuition, I feel. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, speaking of pregnancy and people's bodies.

Speaker 2 Not, this is crit cray.

Speaker 1 So this one is one day old. It was posted in our very own Two Hot Takes subreddit.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Telling Her? It's My Choice to Leave Too, after she said, quote, My body, my choice.

Speaker 1 So I was on a marriage path with this girl. Everything lines up.
So we are talking about kids and such, just planning. Out of nowhere, she tells me, quote, I would have to have my sister's baby.

Speaker 1 I go, what?

Speaker 1 Her, I will have to have my sister's baby as a surrogate. If she can't have kids, I promised her this when we were little.

Speaker 1 Me, that is a weird thing to promise, especially without consulting the guy you'll marry. Her, she has some fertility issues.
What is she supposed to do?

Speaker 1 Which is weird to me because she just said that this was a promise from childhood. Like, how do you know she has fertility issues when you are eight?

Speaker 1 Me, not sure how that is my problem, and I'm not sure why I should be okay with letting my wife having someone else's baby in my marriage.

Speaker 1 So, she is advocating for having that baby in our marriage, not before marriage, while she is still single? Her? Well, it is my body.

Speaker 2 I can do that if I want to.

Speaker 1 Me, what are you talking about? You can't reserve nine months off to have your sister's baby if we are married. Husband has a say on that decision too.
That type of thing is now a marital decision.

Speaker 2 Her,

Speaker 1 my body, my choice. Me, well, I can choose to not deal with that too.

Speaker 2 Ever thought about that?

Speaker 1 I tried to explain that it is not just having someone else's baby in our marriage, but there could be life-threatening complications during pregnancy as well.

Speaker 1 And even with no health complications, that isn't something most husbands would be okay with. But no-go.
She thinks she can do that because it is her sister and it is a sisterly favor.

Speaker 1 She acted like I was crazy to think the way I do. I obviously thought she was the crazy one.
Who is the asshole?

Speaker 2 I'm not gonna lie. Like, I think it's him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like, I mean,

Speaker 2 no, I do. I just, it's in my, in my head, it's like, if I I knew my sister wanted children and she had fertility issues, I would carry her child for her.

Speaker 2 Like, that's, and I, what, what confused me the most was when he was like, a lot of guys wouldn't want that. And a lot of people would think that's, that's, uh, what did he say?

Speaker 2 It was like off or weird. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I'm, I, there are plenty of people who are like, my sibling can't have children and we're close.

Speaker 2 It is her body. It is her choice and it's her sister.

Speaker 2 So if her and her sister are that close and her sister can't have children and you love your family member or your sibling that much, yeah, you're gonna do it. There shouldn't be a problem there.

Speaker 2 And if you love your wife, you

Speaker 2 wouldn't see a problem with it either.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I completely agree. I think the quote, he says, that is a weird thing to promise, especially without consulting the guy you'll marry.
And I think.

Speaker 2 Why would I have to consult you about? Well, I mean, it is her body, her choice.

Speaker 1 Like that, I totally agree with. I think given their specific context, this kind of is consulting you before you guys are married.

Speaker 1 She's telling you now, but like she doesn't need to ask you for permission. You're not married.
You don't have kids.

Speaker 1 If this was someone who they were married, they already had kids of their own, and she had had risky pregnancies. And so now her health would be on the line by being a surrogate,

Speaker 1 then I would say, babe, like we really have to think about this. Like, I know you made a promise to your sister, but I can't lose you.
We have our own children to think about, you know? Also, when

Speaker 2 realistically,

Speaker 2 when is the right time to say something like that? Like, when did you want her to tell you that? Yeah. Like, the first week you guys started talking? That's so

Speaker 2 early. That's way too early.

Speaker 1 You don't even know if you're serious yet.

Speaker 2 Right. And now you're how long into it?

Speaker 1 He doesn't mention how long they've been dating. He just says, I was on the marriage path with this girl.

Speaker 1 So it's like, it's hard to know.

Speaker 1 And the account's been suspended now. So I can't look at comments.
Comments. But let me see if there's any comments on the thread.

Speaker 1 Not seeing any comments from OP, like adding more context. But marriage path, like, if someone's goofy, it could be three months of dating and I'm on the marriage path.
It could be three years.

Speaker 1 We don't really know. But it seems like, it seems like she's really giving him a fair heads up.

Speaker 2 You're not married. Again, like you're not married.
You're not married. You haven't proposed.
No. You said you're on the marriage track.
So you're obviously together and dating. Yep.

Speaker 2 And it came up in conversation.

Speaker 2 Like, pretty naturally.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They were talking about having kids and such.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 It came up in a moment. It seems like a great time.
Yeah. And she told you, What's up? Like, she literally was like, Hey, I promised my sister.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 2 plenty of

Speaker 2 people find out at a very young age if they're infertile or not, or if they can't, like, especially nowadays.

Speaker 2 I don't know how old this person is, like, but if he was on the marriage path and he's like my age or a little bit older, I'm turning 23.

Speaker 2 When I was younger, I like going to a urologist, I was able to find out very quickly if I was able to have children or not. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like when you go to like, um, what is it, like a child urologist, the ones that like they check

Speaker 2 for like everything down there

Speaker 2 you find out quickly yeah whether or not you are able to have kids

Speaker 2 same goes for women or people who are able to carry children you find out you can find out at a young age so i wouldn't be surprised if she was eight years old talking to her sister about it like if i can't have a baby yeah or even like um childhood like when i'm like when i consider childhood or like growing up like yeah we we made this promise to each other growing up.

Speaker 1 I feel like for growing up and being with my siblings, I would assume that's like anything under moving out and like going to college or like that kind of age.

Speaker 1 Like childhood could be 12, 13 when girls are typically getting periods. Yeah.
So it's like, I don't know. It's not, it doesn't seem that weird to me.

Speaker 2 Not at all. Like I've also like, I've promised friends when I was younger, like, we're going to get married if we're not married by 30.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, those aren't things that I would like stick to because you're just my friend.

Speaker 2 But if I had a sibling and I was like, oh, if we were like 13, 14, and I found out that my brother, say I had a twin brother and he couldn't have kids. And I knew that like I,

Speaker 2 I would totally be like, yeah, I'll, I'll, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you have a surrogate or you want to do in, um, what is it? Like a fertilization. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got you. Like I'll do it.
And I won't even tell your, like your kids will never know. Yeah.
Like I would, I would kill you.

Speaker 1 Tell your uncle because it's not, it's not your kid.

Speaker 2 It's not my, like,

Speaker 2 biologically, sure. But, like, yeah, you're raising your child.
Yeah. Like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 It just seems bizarre to me that also, again, this is like, I feel not to like keep going with it, but that is such a personal experience to have with a sibling. Like, who are you?

Speaker 2 to say anything about that? Like, who are you to question the bond of siblinghood between two sisters, especially when one can't have children and the other can? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's weird that he's like trying to shame her too. Like, not many men would be okay with that.
Not many husbands or however he words it.

Speaker 1 And it's like, my partner would be okay with me being a surrogate for one of my family members or friends.

Speaker 2 Why are you also, why are you inserting yourself in that scenario? Again, I understand if it's like, you guys are now married.

Speaker 2 You've had kids, as you mentioned earlier, and there are like health complications and you've noticed that there are health complications when it comes to your wife

Speaker 2 giving birth. But that's not, that's not the case.
No, she's just letting you know. And you know what? So it is her body.
It is her choice. And it is your choice to leave.
And go for it.

Speaker 2 You're allowed to leave, but don't shame her.

Speaker 2 Even.

Speaker 1 No. Sorry.
No.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, no, yeah.

Speaker 1 Even if you were married, if you truly weren't okay with your partner being a surrogate or donating whatever, you have the choice still to leave. You always have the choice to leave.

Speaker 1 It just becomes different levels of hard or easy to leave, depending on if you're dating or married or whatever. But you can always leave.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can control yourself and yourself only. What other people choose to do is their choice, and you can control yourself.

Speaker 2 That's what setting boundaries is. Also, if you really loved her and if you were really on the marriage track for her, like to be with her,

Speaker 2 I genuinely do not understand why you can't see the situation from her point of view. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm again, this is another thing that pisses me off about this when she was like, well, my body, my choice. And he was like, well, it's my choice to leave.
It is, bye. It is bye.
Bye. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is your choice to go. And it is her choice if she wants to carry her sister's child to be a surrogate.
Yeah. Weirdo.

Speaker 1 Beyond goofy.

Speaker 2 I love how in the beginning I was like slowly getting angry and now I'm just mad at him. I know.
Am I the asshole? Yeah, you are. Get a grip.

Speaker 1 Top comment. My wife came to me a few years ago when her sister was dealing with IVF and had another round fail.
This was three to four years into them trying.

Speaker 1 She asked what I thought about her being a surrogate, sister's egg, if that matters. We had a long conversation about it, looked into her work and if she would get maternity leave.

Speaker 1 We talked about the financial impact. She probably would have to fly out to them when she was getting close, or they'd have to come here for a few months and rent a place.

Speaker 1 I agreed to support her and she made the offer to her sister. I told my brother-in-law it was a serious offer if they needed and that I was on board.

Speaker 1 They were touched, but really wanted to have the experience herself. Fortunately, the next round of IVF took and they now have a beautiful daughter.

Speaker 1 They're thinking about having more, but my wife was adamant that it was a one-time offer. She's over 40 now.
So I'm not sure if she'd be cleared to be a surrogate anyways.

Speaker 1 Anyways, that's how I think it should be handled. And I'm really glad that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law have their daughter.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 1 But again, like

Speaker 1 that, like people are like, This is how these conversations should go, not the one reported on the post above. Yeah, it should be a mutual, thoughtful decision made as a team.

Speaker 1 It sounds like neither the OP or his girlfriend are willing to do the work and do it together. But I think it's such a different context because they're only dating,

Speaker 1 they're not married. And so, I don't know.
I think a lot of people, we might, we might have some people come for us and say, like, no, not the asshole.

Speaker 1 Like, you're not the asshole for telling her, it's my choice to leave, too.

Speaker 2 It is,

Speaker 1 then just leave.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I feel like there's no assholes here. I feel like, no, no, no, no.
You do, you think, I feel, I am strongly, I don't think he is an asshole for leaving.

Speaker 2 That's not why I think he's an asshole. I think he is an asshole for shaming her and being like, a lot of guys wouldn't want this.

Speaker 2 What? Like, who, who are a lot of guys?

Speaker 2 Also, it's just like having another man in the comments being like, well, me and my wife did. We were ready to help out her sister.
Like, we offered. I feel like

Speaker 2 it's so, if you aren't for it, that's fine. But don't now make it seem like

Speaker 2 a lot of men wouldn't appreciate this because that's not true. No.
That's not true. And it kind of just sounds like you're talking down on her to make your case sound better.

Speaker 2 Like you're trying to, you're trying to uplift yourself and have people agree with you by being like a lot of people would. No, talk for yourself.
Speak on behalf of yourself. Okay.

Speaker 2 I still think he's the asshole. And it's like, not for leaving.
Not for leaving. If you want to leave, go.
That is your choice to go.

Speaker 2 But also to like do that comparison of like your body, your choice. Okay.
Then it's my choice to leave. Like, that's, I find that weird.

Speaker 1 I find it's a little manipulative. Yeah.
I guess it could be.

Speaker 2 And if you guys want to be comfortable with it, if you guys want to come for me, that's fine. We can have a difference of opinion, but pop off, Spencer.

Speaker 1 I just just how I feel. Let's go, baby.

Speaker 2 So good, so good, so good.

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Speaker 2 That's why you rack.

Speaker 1 I feel like if you straightened your hair, you'd look like one of those Afghan dogs. Like, you know how people say owners look like their dogs?

Speaker 1 If you straightened your hair and got one of those dogs, that would be very true for you. You know what dog I'm talking about, right?

Speaker 2 No, I'm looking it up.

Speaker 1 You have to see one that has really nice hair.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what I look like. But it's just like my hair.
I'm so serious. I actually.
Like this one.

Speaker 1 Like, that's the dog you would look like.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 No. It's definitely more of like.

Speaker 1 That's such, I want that dog's hair color, to be honest. I feel like

Speaker 2 I have a whole photo of it.

Speaker 1 Spencer's going to send me a picture and we'll see what the hair straight looks like. Okay.
Well, speaking of dogs, this was a great transition for us.

Speaker 2 Wow, wait, what's going on now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is two days old titled, Am I the Asshole for Refusing to Take My Daughter's Service Dog Back Home? I have a 12-year-old daughter, let's call her Rhys, who has a service dog for her diabetes.

Speaker 1 The dog is by her side about 22 hours a day. Recently, we were going to visit some relatives, so I double-checked with the host to make sure that nobody had allergies, and the host said it was fine.

Speaker 1 So we showed up to the family function, and one of the other cousins, let's call her May, is immediately concerned and says we can't bring the dog in because her four-year-old is deathly afraid of dogs.

Speaker 1 I explained the situation and that the dog wouldn't go near her child. But May still insisted that her daughter wouldn't be comfortable and asked me if I could put the dog away or take it back home.

Speaker 1 I didn't budge. So she ended up sitting as far away from the dog as she possibly could get, telling her upset daughter, quote, I won't let the dog hurt you.

Speaker 1 which made Reese, my daughter, feel like she was causing trouble and it stressed the other kid out.

Speaker 1 My sister-in-law says that I could have prevented the drama by just taking the dog home for its rest time and I could have monitored Reese myself.

Speaker 1 Am I the asshole for refusing to take my daughter's service dog home?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 I don't think so at all. Also, my thing is, it's like, it sounds like the cousin, May, is afraid of the dog.
And she's using her daughter as like cover. That's how I feel because like,

Speaker 2 here's my thing. Like, if I had a child, right, and my child was deathly afraid of dogs, it would be understandable.

Speaker 2 Like, say my child got a, like, attacked by a wild dog and, like, had to go to the hospital, how to get stitches.

Speaker 2 I would be like, okay, like, I understand. But if my child was just like afraid of dogs, I'd literally tell like my kid, I'd be like, hey, that's our cousin.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you, but that's her service dog. And she needs the dog to be around her 22 hours out of the day to make sure that she's okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'd be like, we don't have to go by the dog if you don't want to, but just know that you're okay. And I'm here.

Speaker 2 That's all. That's all you have to do.
Like, and also what pisses me off even more is that the cousin was like, I won't let the dog hurt you.

Speaker 2 Instigating. Yeah, as if the dog was going to.
Like, shut up. Just say nothing bad is going to happen.
Like, it's so like, what do you mean I'm not going to let the dog?

Speaker 1 This is a service dog. This is a very well-trained dog.

Speaker 1 I completely agree. I feel like the mom is almost making this fear worse within this child.
And obviously this is a valid fear. Like a lot of people are scared of dogs.

Speaker 1 But the reality is like that's something you should try to work on.

Speaker 1 You are going to encounter dogs everywhere, especially depending on where you live. Like people taking dogs places, I will admit, like is out of control.

Speaker 1 Like, did you see that one woman on TikTok who made a video talking about how she brought her like dog to Trader Joe's?

Speaker 1 And all of a sudden she looked and the dog was lifting its leg, pissing into a freezer full of food.

Speaker 1 And she was telling this story in the most like,

Speaker 2 it's so funny. No, no, bitch.

Speaker 1 You're gross. Your dog is not a service dog.
It does not belong in a grocery store. No dogs belong in a grocery store unless they are a trained service dog.
That's my hot take for the day.

Speaker 1 And if you disagree, your dog is okay staying home. Your dog doesn't want to be at the grocery store.
I agree.

Speaker 2 Come on. I agree.
If it's not a service dog, why are you? It's gross. I also know people personally that it's like, okay, for example, the other day I was walking with my friend Kevin.

Speaker 2 Kevin has a dog. Her name is Roxy.
Cute doggy.

Speaker 2 I was like, hey, I want to grab a snack.

Speaker 2 Do you want anything? And he was like, no, I'm fine. I went and he had Roxy.
He waited outside for me. I walked in, grabbed my snack, came back out.
I'm sorry if your dog is not a service animal.

Speaker 2 I don't think it belongs in a grocery store. No.
I just, I don't like, understand. Even if it's like, oh, I'm going to be in and out really quick.
I don't care. I don't like.

Speaker 1 Did you go out for a walk today and take your dog? I don't know if your dog ate shit or not.

Speaker 1 I've seen dogs, literally, Justin, my fiancé, he had two dogs, a little poodle and a big, a big doodle or something. I don't know.

Speaker 1 And literally, the little one would sit under the other one's ass when it pooped and eat it like soft serpent.

Speaker 1 Dogs

Speaker 2 can be gross. Yeah, yeah, get your, yeah.

Speaker 1 But a service dog is no different than a medical device.

Speaker 1 If someone had oxygen and they needed portable oxygen to get out and live their life, you wouldn't say, hey, your portable oxygen tank doesn't fit the family function.

Speaker 1 Can you take it off and put it away?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Service dogs are classified as medical devices. You can't just ask someone to leave their wheelchair at home because you don't want a wheelchair coming over.
Come on. It's the same thing.

Speaker 2 I agree.

Speaker 1 If it is a trained trained service dog, it's a medical device. This girl has diabetes.
What if she, you know, diabetes is very serious?

Speaker 2 What if she passes out? That's like, that's another big thing. Like blood sugar, dogs, dogs, get town.
They can literally smell it. They can smell it.

Speaker 2 Crazy. And that's the thing.
It's like, oh my gosh. Like, I would have understood if it was just like a regular dog, like a regular dog that was like, that's different.
This is a service animal.

Speaker 2 Please, like, get it together.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And use this as an opportunity.
Like, hey, Rosie, or whatever the little four-year-old's name is, this is a service dog, let's just watch. Yeah, it's gonna be okay.
Let's just watch.

Speaker 2 We can stay really far, and we like literally, they can be across the room, and we can just see look at what the dog, the dog is with your cousin, just making sure that she's okay.

Speaker 2 Also, to make Reese feel bad,

Speaker 1 I know that's ridiculous.

Speaker 2 And now, and here's the thing: it's like

Speaker 2 the fact that you're family and you're making Reese feel bad for needing a service dog, making her uncomfortable, someone who needs the service dog in the first place.

Speaker 2 I don't really like that either.

Speaker 1 No. Top comment, you're not the asshole.
Service dog trumps fear of dogs, even if it's a small child who fears the dog.

Speaker 1 And then they quote what OP said, like telling her upset daughter, I won't let the dog hurt you. Geez, May, I wonder why your kid is scared of dogs.

Speaker 1 Maybe because she acts like a presumably well-haved and minding his own business. Service dog is the boogeyman.
Right.

Speaker 2 That's literally what I'm saying. Like you are feeding into your child's fear by being like, I will never let that dog hurt you.
What?

Speaker 2 It's a service dog, bitch. Calm down.

Speaker 1 Sorry. So weird.
OP does respond. The dog is very well trained.
She only really jumps when she's alerting, and that's usually directed towards Reese.

Speaker 1 Occasionally, someone else, if Reese isn't in a good place physically, physically, the chances of her going near May's kid to begin with were low.

Speaker 2 It's like the last, like the last, last, last option.

Speaker 2 Like if nobody else is in the room, I feel like, and if anything, the dog would have hit him, his wife, like Reese's mom or dad, like either one of them. Like, yeah.

Speaker 2 There's no need for, again, a service animal to run up to a four-year-old child and attack them.

Speaker 1 It wouldn't happen.

Speaker 2 Like, let's just do do the math here, it wouldn't happen, like, it would not happen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, service dogs go through so much

Speaker 2 training. This isn't a horror movie, no, like this isn't Cujo, right? And it's like, here's my thing: I, oh, my arm got caught.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I've like, I know someone from when I was younger who was actually attacked by a dog, and do not get me wrong,

Speaker 2 whoa, excuse me,

Speaker 2 damn, who was that?

Speaker 2 Who was that?

Speaker 2 But like, I know people who have been attacked. I know like two people who have been attacked by dogs.
One was on their arm. One was their face.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. That's my biggest fear.

Speaker 2 And it's like, those are, like, I understand people who fear dogs in that sense. But in that same breath, it's like.

Speaker 2 They, the only way to get over your fear,

Speaker 2 like, this is the best circumstantial situation where it's like, you're with a service dog who is not going to be anywhere near you.

Speaker 2 And they're only going to be, their only concern is going to be the person they're servicing. Yeah.
Like, this is your best chance to be like, what is it called? Um,

Speaker 2 oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 Exposure therapy.

Speaker 2 Exposure therapy.

Speaker 2 In a sense, right?

Speaker 1 Like, you're just, it's just a great, it's a great opportunity. I'll say that.

Speaker 1 Like, it's a great opportunity with like the most well-behaved dog to just be like, hey, I get you're scared, but I got you.

Speaker 1 It's going to be good. This is a really nice dog.
This dog is very well trained. Let's just sit and watch.
Reassure your child, but don't, I'm going to protect you. Like, that's

Speaker 1 implying that you have something to protect the child from.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 You're instigating. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Annoyed. Moving along.

Speaker 1 This next one is a couple weeks old.

Speaker 1 It is titled, My 30 Female Co-worker, 28 Male, Is Ignoring Me. After I Said He Should Leave His Wife, How do I make it less awkward?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 My coworker Sam and I are like two peas in a pod. I've never had a relationship like that.
We both like documentaries and books. We constantly send each other documentaries.

Speaker 1 We always take lunch together and talk about the videos we've sent. Recently, I asked him if his wife watches those videos and he laughed and says no, and that she jokes and will say he's such a nerd.

Speaker 1 I said, it doesn't seem like you two have much in common. He got annoyed and asked, am I implying that he doesn't have a connection to his wife?

Speaker 1 I told him it seems like we have a stronger connection than him and his wife. He told me, him and his wife are happy and happily married.

Speaker 1 I told him, it's just strange she doesn't share a major interest of yours. He started ignoring me the rest of lunch.
He blocked me from his personal phone and we only speak at work now.

Speaker 1 Even then, it's only about work.

Speaker 1 Even after I apologized, he's still the same way.

Speaker 1 I want things to go back to normal because the work days are definitely longer ever since he stopped talking to me. So am I the asshole?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Sorry, but sorry, babe.
Sorry, Diva. I think you are.
Like, I'm like, it's there are plenty of people that are in happy relationships and they are literally like

Speaker 2 polar opposites.

Speaker 2 And I feel like, yeah, there are people in happy relationships that are similar, polar opposite. It doesn't really matter as long as you find your right person.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And like her calling him a nerd, I feel like that's like a flirty, like bantery thing. Like, oh, you're such a nerd.
Like, not in like a mean way, more in like, um, because I've said it too.

Speaker 2 Like, I've talked to guys who love Star Wars and I'm like, okay, nerd. But like, as a joke.
That's a joke.

Speaker 1 That's like a loving, like, little banter. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're such a nerd. Yeah, exactly.
And also sorry for you to know he's a married man, comment on their relationship and then.

Speaker 1 Coworkers, that's unprofessional.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then also be like, I feel like ours is better.
I'd block your ass too, especially if you were texting me outside of work now. If I was his significant other, like if I was his wife.

Speaker 2 And I even for a second was like, I'm kind of uncomfy with her texting you outside of work.

Speaker 2 And then you said some shit like that to my husband at work. Done.
If he didn't block, if he didn't block you,

Speaker 2 I'd block you for him. That's the appropriate response.
Right. That is the right thing he should do.

Speaker 1 Good job, guy.

Speaker 2 Doesn't happen a lot. No, it doesn't.
And he did the right shit.

Speaker 1 This is exactly how you should execute this. And like, OP asking, how do I make it less awkward?

Speaker 2 You don't. You already made it awkward.
You just got to give a time. Like, honest to God, the only way is like time.
Like, really, like a long, long time.

Speaker 2 And even then, you already like burned the bridge. Yeah, like I'm sorry, babe, but you like crossed a boundary.
Like you crossed a line that like you shouldn't.

Speaker 2 Like to go to a married man and be like, I feel like

Speaker 2 where like our bond is better. And then like implying that he should leave her, like that's wild.
Like if you like, if you

Speaker 1 I also like don't agree with this writer at all being like you, your wife should share one of your main interests and passions. I don't agree.

Speaker 1 I think every couple should have their own interests, their own passions that are solely theirs. Now, here's where I could see maybe where she was trying to go.

Speaker 1 If the wife is actually unsupportive of him watching documentaries, then there's an issue. But it is okay to have separate interests and your own identity.

Speaker 1 You don't have to mold into this blob of people and blend yourself. Like, you can be your own person.
You can have your own interests. Just because I love horses doesn't mean Justin has to.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's just not how life works. You want to have your own identity and passions.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 Like, what are you saying?

Speaker 2 Also, it's like, not your place. No.

Speaker 2 Like, at all.

Speaker 1 You're co-workers. You're not besties.

Speaker 2 It's like you, it's not like you've known this person your entire life. Like, again, you're coworkers at work.

Speaker 1 And you don't even see them interact by the sounds of it. Right.
You're getting this limited insight on documentaries and like a little banter joke that she calls him a nerd.

Speaker 2 No offense, ma'am. You sound crazy.

Speaker 1 It's giving unhinged. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's giving unhinged. I'm sorry, babe, but no, I'm not.
Like, maybe

Speaker 2 see a therapist.

Speaker 1 Top comment. This is the proper response to that conversation.

Speaker 2 Period.

Speaker 1 It may have been joking, but you crossed a serious line. He rightfully isn't going to entertain talks about his marriage with other women.
Next comment down: I'm actually very proud of him. Period.

Speaker 1 Same. Yep.
Enough said on that one.

Speaker 2 Moving along. Thank you.

Speaker 1 This is coming from relationships.

Speaker 1 Three days old.

Speaker 1 I, 43 male, accidentally insulted my partner, 43 female, and she has remained cold ever since. And she wears sweats all the time now.

Speaker 1 What did you say?

Speaker 1 We have been a couple for seven years. I only now realize we both view her very differently.
From my perspective, she's never been interested in fashion at all. Always wears black jeans.

Speaker 1 She has dozens of black tops. She doesn't wear makeup.
Doesn't get her nails done. Only does root touch-ups.
And I love her and don't care about this at all.

Speaker 1 From her perspective, apparently, she dresses elegantly and minimalistic. She says she's always wearing no makeup makeup.
I guess she means mascara, not sure.

Speaker 1 She says she pays the salon every month to color her hair, or it would be gray. The reason this all came up is that we met up with friends, and one of the women is very fashionable, always done up.

Speaker 1 I had mentioned in passing to my partner that I loved that she, the other woman, wore vibrant colors.

Speaker 1 My partner had said she personally isn't a fan of bright colors, and in the past, when she has tried to wear them, she doesn't like how it looks.

Speaker 1 I told her, if I was a beautiful woman, I'd wear bright colors for attention. And that's probably why our friend does it.
Anyways, this was the gist of the conversation.

Speaker 1 If my partner was getting upset, I wasn't picking up on that. I honestly don't even recall what I was saying that made her mad, but she ended up annoyed with something.

Speaker 1 I was truly confused, but we ended up in an argument. I told her that based on how she looks, I had no idea she even cared about looks or fashion.

Speaker 1 She was getting really angry at me, which tends to make me mad too. So I told her that if she cares that much, to my surprise, she should present herself better.

Speaker 1 She insisted I tell her what I meant, and so I told her that she dresses boring and it makes her look old and dumpy.

Speaker 1 I also told her I don't care at all, but since she appears to, she should try to dress more fashionable. This was three weeks ago, and she was very angry with me.

Speaker 1 Now she's not angry, but she's remained cold. And she now has taken a dressing in sweatpants and sweatshirts.

Speaker 1 She says she won't be dressing nice around me anymore, but I never thought she dressed nice in the first place.

Speaker 1 Obviously, I put my foot in my mouth and I have apologized, but she doesn't care. She says she won't forget what I said.
I really just want her to drop this.

Speaker 1 Is this something that needs therapy or just time?

Speaker 2 I think it's something that needs time and a conversation.

Speaker 2 I think it needs a conversation sit down. I feel like you need to talk to her and you need to make it like

Speaker 2 for you to say that she dresses boring and dumpy. And dumpy, dumpy?

Speaker 2 Like, I understand, like, you have to understand. I'm just, I'm giving, I hope whoever wrote this is listening.

Speaker 2 You have to understand the reason she's wearing sweats and sweaters around you now is because she doesn't, like,

Speaker 2 you don't,

Speaker 2 you don't appreciate her when she puts the effort in. Like, that's what she's telling you.
Like, she puts effort into her appearance, getting your roots redone. Also, no makeup makeup.

Speaker 2 No makeup makeup is makeup. Like, it's like, usually, it can be a full face of makeup.
The whole point of no makeup makeup is it looks like you're not wearing makeup. It's not just mascara, dude.

Speaker 2 You want to know no makeup makeup? Literally, this is no makeup makeup. Like you, I genuinely did not know you were wearing foundation, anything.

Speaker 2 Like that, like this is like a vibe of no makeup. The only thing I can tell is like eyes and mascara.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And for you to be like, oh, you look boring and dumpy. Yeah, she might wear all black, but maybe that's what she's comfortable with.
And now she's just proving a point. Like, you know what?

Speaker 2 I don't think she's like being cold. I think she's being spiteful.
And I would too. I would wear sweats and a hoodie around you.
And I would be like, You want to see what boring and dumpy looks like?

Speaker 2 This is what it looks like. And until you can come to me with a proper apology and not some, I'm sorry, bullshit, and actually tell me why you're sorry.

Speaker 2 And actually be like, Hey, this is, I understand what you mean now. You have been putting a lot of effort into your appearance, and I'm sorry it's gone unnoticed.

Speaker 2 I never made him, I never wanted to make you feel that way.

Speaker 2 And I'm very, very,

Speaker 2 I'm happy with you and the way that you dress and the way that you look.

Speaker 2 And honestly, that's how the conversation should go, somewhere along those lines, because she's more upset that everything she has done to look presentable and to look good for you has gone completely unnoticed.

Speaker 2 Imagine you put effort into your appearance all the time for your significant other, even if it's not for your significant other, but for yourself too.

Speaker 2 And then someone's like, oh, you look boring and dumpy.

Speaker 2 That hurts.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's it's just like it's kind of a teardown. And I think it's very common for a lot of like ahead

Speaker 1 cis men like to be like, Oh, well, she's not wearing any makeup. I love girls that don't wear makeup, and then they show pictures of what they like, and there's very clearly makeup.

Speaker 1 They just don't get it, and so even if you're doing things for yourself, like you're doing it because it makes you feel good, light makeup, wearing blacks.

Speaker 1 Like my closet is mostly neutrals and blacks, so I get it. And then you have someone like say, like, oh, well, what you're doing doesn't look good.
It just tears you down.

Speaker 1 And it's like, even if it's not for anyone else but you, it's still like a direct hit. It still doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1 And it's just like rude.

Speaker 1 I can't imagine my partner criticizing me like this.

Speaker 2 And what also is kind of just like, yeah, you're being an asshole is the fact that you said, well, there's not really a difference. Like she's just wearing sweats and like sweaters around me now.

Speaker 2 There is a difference. Yeah.
And until you're able to address that difference, she's going to be cold. I'd be cold too.

Speaker 1 If there wasn't a difference, you wouldn't have noticed.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't have noticed. If there wasn't a difference, you wouldn't have been like, oh, she's wearing sweats in a sweater.
Yeah. There's a difference.
Use your eyes, sir.

Speaker 1 Delusional.

Speaker 1 Delusional. There are some comments from OP.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 To be fair, I wasn't at all aware that she puts effort into looking nice. I'm not trying to be horrible.
I'm being honest. I didn't know she cared because she never appears to try.

Speaker 1 and i only told her she dresses dumpy and looks old when she insisted i explain what i meant to me she has the potential to look great she never appears to do anything to try

Speaker 2 um sir no offense you lack a lot of social cues there's a lot There's no self-awareness here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 everything you're saying, it sounds like you lack like the social awareness to understand like what you are saying

Speaker 2 is like

Speaker 2 mean.

Speaker 1 So, someone comments in response to OP saying, is this something that needs therapy or just time? They say, it depends. Are you usually this callous about her feelings or was this a one-off?

Speaker 1 And when you asked her the above question, what did she say? Does she see this as salvageable, or is she quietly plotting her escape?

Speaker 1 OP responds, she said she's not going to get over this and she doesn't feel comfortable with someone who views her like that.

Speaker 1 I guess in reference to the dumpy comment, I sent her some links showing her what I meant. Fashion blogs showing easy ways to elevate style, but she just argued with me.

Speaker 1 And someone asked, Do you want to save this relationship? If so, why are you doubling down with fashion blogs?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you sound kind of contro, not kind of, you sound controlling. you sound controlling and a little narcissistic.

Speaker 1 I'm just really baffled. Yeah, OP goes on to say because she asked repeatedly what I mean by saying if she cared so much, then she should try to look good.

Speaker 1 She said she did look good and it snowballed from there. Someone goes, you're so fucking dense.

Speaker 2 Actually,

Speaker 2 thank you. You're so dense.
So dense. You lack like social cues, social skills, social awareness.

Speaker 2 Like you, you have to be heavily self-absorbed to not understand like what you said and like what you were saying, why it's an issue.

Speaker 2 I feel like the reason you're acting this way is because in your mind, you're like, well, she doesn't look that way to me. So what I said wasn't wrong.

Speaker 2 It's not, it doesn't matter how she looks to you. It's how you made her feel because that's not how she feels when she presents herself in a reasonable, fashionable way.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just because you don't think that's fashion doesn't mean it isn't fashion, you dip shit.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't know fashion if it hit you on the head.

Speaker 2 Literally, like, get a like, you sound,

Speaker 2 you sound dumb.

Speaker 1 Well, and I think the bigger problem here, too, is we all are going to have problems or like conflicts in our lives with friends, partners, whoever, where at the end of the day, you still feel like you're right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. However, is your need to feel right

Speaker 1 more important than moving past it and having a resolution where maybe your partner who was hurt feels better or like your friendship can continue on. Like

Speaker 1 what is so big about your ego that you can't just say, you know what? I get it now. I notice the difference.

Speaker 1 Definitely you have some style. Like I notice you've only worn sweats.
I was wrong. I love you.
I spoke out of turn. I'm going to stay.
off the fashion topic and mind my fucking business.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Also, you've been together for seven years, you said.

Speaker 2 seven and you're like the fact that if this is if this is what you're like if she has been putting up with this for seven years god bless her soul seriously it's i feel like this isn't just about fashion there's got to be other

Speaker 1 other things that have come up where he's tried to be controlling or like made like very mean comments in the past she sounds like she's getting fed up And honest to God, I would be too. I will.

Speaker 1 And I think based on that comment, she doesn't feel comfortable with someone who views her like that. I do think she's plotting her escape, and I'm, I hope, I hope she makes it out.
I hope she is.

Speaker 1 I hope she is too.

Speaker 2 Get out of there, sweetie. Yeah, girl, get the hell out of there.
Run.

Speaker 2 Okay, moving along.

Speaker 1 We're crushing these stories today.

Speaker 2 How many more do we have?

Speaker 1 We got a lot. We're only an hour in.
Let's go, girl. Let's go, baby.
This next one is coming from R/Relationship Advice,

Speaker 1 21 hours old,

Speaker 1 titled, My, 39 female, ex-husband, 43 male, cheated on me with my brother, 44 male. And now he seems to be in a serious depression.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 I was married to my ex-husband for nine years. We got divorced five years ago.
I was about four months pregnant and went to the doctor.

Speaker 1 When I returned home, I found my older brother and my husband together.

Speaker 1 It was really disgusting for me to see.

Speaker 2 Whoa, wait, repeat.

Speaker 2 So she found out she was four months pregnant, and when she got back,

Speaker 2 she saw them having sex.

Speaker 1 According to my ex-husband, he and my brother took drugs, and he doesn't remember how they got into that situation.

Speaker 1 My brother is gay, but I never knew if my ex was gay or bisexual or anything like that. I filed for divorce, and we share custody of our daughter.
We have been cordial despite everything.

Speaker 1 We spend two holidays a year together, the three of us. Since the divorce, my ex-husband has been quite depressed.

Speaker 1 At first, he looked for any excuse to talk to me and be with me, but then he realized that it was not going to work.

Speaker 1 In these years that we have been divorced, he seemed quite depressed, tired, and talks less. He also gained too much weight.

Speaker 1 He didn't go to the gym, but he was a pound or two over his ideal weight, so he was at a pretty decent weight prior to this. Now he weighs around 280 pounds, and I'm really worried about him.

Speaker 1 I also discovered that he recently lost his job and he is staying with his sister, and that he is one step away from being diagnosed with diabetes.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to tell him that I'm worried about his health since the last time I did it, he misunderstood thinking I would give him another chance, which is not the case.

Speaker 1 How can I help him without misunderstanding the situation again?

Speaker 2 It's a lot. Girl, you need to go to Chat GBT.

Speaker 2 It's a lot. You need to ask ChatGBT to write you a fat paragraph, babe, because that is crazy.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 You being four months pregnant, walking in on him having sex with your brother, you breaking up with him, him gaining like a hundred pounds, and then also like having diabetes and losing his job.

Speaker 2 Like that's wild.

Speaker 1 He's going through it for sure.

Speaker 2 Babe, you put a curse on him on accident. That's what it sounds like.
It sounds like you accidentally cursed the hell out of him. Where's the voodoo dog?

Speaker 2 Like it literally, babe, like, I don't know what candle you lit after that, after that, after you signed those divorce papers, but you need to go find that candle and snuff it out.

Speaker 2 Snuff it out, please. Like, damn.

Speaker 1 This is a lot, but also it's like, it's not your burden to bear anymore. It's not.
But at the same time, I'm like, are you still in communication with your brother? There's no mention of that.

Speaker 1 I'll see if there's any comments from OP. It's only 21 hours old.
OP does say, My family didn't break up with my brother. They said they wanted to stay out of the situation.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I do not maintain any type of contact with my brother. That includes my daughter as well.

Speaker 1 So family does talk to the brother, but not OP.

Speaker 2 And you know what? That's under. Like, I, yeah, I get that.
Like, I get you not wanting to be around him.

Speaker 2 I also get your family being like, hey, like, your mom and dad being like, this is still our son. Like, we're, we're, we can't just like not talk to him.

Speaker 2 I just want to know what kind of drugs they must have been taking. Like, were they on meth? Yeah.
Like what kind of drug would like

Speaker 2 like they must have been taking like meth molly something because like

Speaker 1 too stunned to speak.

Speaker 1 It is really interesting. And I'm well, I was gonna like go to bat for,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 maybe like give the husband a little bit of grace. Like

Speaker 1 you took drugs. Maybe, like, he honestly was so not himself and out of it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 there are other comments

Speaker 1 from OP that says

Speaker 1 he was unfaithful to me during the nine years of marriage. That's why I assumed that what happened to my brother was infidelity.

Speaker 2 Oh, so, like, he'd been doing it. Yeah.
Like, that makes sense. Like,

Speaker 2 he, if we, she's caught him being unfaithful.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's kind of what OP goes on to say. Someone responds to that and goes, Could you explain better how he was unfaithful for nine years? Was it emotional? Was it kissing? Penetrative sex?

Speaker 1 Nude sharing? I really need to know to make a judgment. Was he in all of his senses? What did he say about it when you found out? Why didn't you leave then?

Speaker 1 What was the relationship between your husband and your brother before you found them together?

Speaker 1 And OP responds, Two of them,

Speaker 1 which I think OP is implying affairs, were emotional and sexual. The third affair was only sexual.
When I found out, he just apologized.

Speaker 1 I went to my mother's house, but most people said that it was an exaggeration to get divorced because of cheating and that I was not going to find anyone who would always be faithful.

Speaker 1 And then I would just go back to him. Well, the relationship between my husband and brother was normal before.
When I found them, they appeared scared. So good riddance.
Here's my thing.

Speaker 2 Here's my thing. I'd also like to add this as my two cents.
Okay.

Speaker 2 If they were on

Speaker 2 heavy drugs that caused them to do what they were doing,

Speaker 2 you, I would feel like if you caught them, they would be so out of it.

Speaker 2 Like so out of it that they wouldn't even notice you were there. Yeah.
And for them to react scared means that there must have been some sort of awareness. Okay.

Speaker 2 That's like, that's why, like, for them to be scared and being like, oh shit, we got caught. That means that they were aware.
Like, there is an awareness

Speaker 2 certain level, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's like, if there's an awareness, if, if there's a certain awareness of being like, oh my gosh, we've been caught, there's definitely an awareness of like, we shouldn't be having sex right now.

Speaker 2 Because if they're scared after being caught, that means they know what they're, like, they shouldn't be doing what they're doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, and I would give the situation more grace if it was just a one-off to.
Like, they got really fucked up on the drugs. One thing led to another.

Speaker 1 Okay, not right or just like, I'm trying to just devil's advocate this so hard, but given the fact that OP shares there's been what sounds like three,

Speaker 1 three

Speaker 1 previous affairs, two of which were very emotional and sexual,

Speaker 1 like there's no excuse. This guy is just a serial cheater.
and has some deeply like

Speaker 1 he needs some mental health help, especially now given this depression and this reaction. Like, what did you think was going to happen by repeatedly cheating on your partner again and again and again?

Speaker 1 Like, you're not going to have someone that sticks by you, and now you've fallen into this depression. Like, that's

Speaker 2 also like

Speaker 2 the fact that your family and like friends of yours were like, oh, like, you shouldn't divorce him. That's like way over dramatic.

Speaker 1 You're never going to find someone who's faithful.

Speaker 2 Why

Speaker 2 that speaks more about them than it does you?

Speaker 1 Yep. Sure does.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? That's a projection. If that's what, if that's what your parents said to you, your parents sleep around for sure.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 That's weird. That's weird.

Speaker 2 For your parents. If my mom, if my mom told me after I got cheated on, if my mom was like,

Speaker 2 yeah, well, you shouldn't leave because it's like, I mean, everyone's unfaithful. That's not a valid reason to leave.
That's not. I would be like,

Speaker 2 how, like, I genuinely would be like, how insecure are you? Like, that's how I would look at it.

Speaker 2 Like, you should look at your parents and whoever said that to you and be like, how deeply insecure must you be to think to yourself, I am not worthy of having a faithful partner and everybody must be a cheater.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is just what I have to put up here.

Speaker 2 Like, you, you must be deeply insecure if you feel like you can't find a faithful partner.

Speaker 1 Or you just don't value yourself. Like, you don't value.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 You don't have that self-worth to know you deserve better than being cheated on. Correct.
Like, there are people that will be faithful and stick to a monogamous relationship.

Speaker 1 They're out there. But if you don't think you're worthy or deserving of that love, no, of course you're not going to find that person.

Speaker 1 Relationships are so tricky. And like now, our writer here is like really trying to navigate a co-parenting situation.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I think you can like,

Speaker 1 if this were me,

Speaker 1 I would like just kind of say to him, like, I want to preface this, like, I'm not going to entertain getting back together. That is not going to ever happen for us.

Speaker 1 However, I am concerned for you as my daughter's father. Right.
I want my daughter to have her dad, and you don't seem to be in a good place right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I agree. I feel like you need to switch the narrative where it's not like we're getting back together.
This is for us. No, this is for our child.

Speaker 1 This is for your daughter.

Speaker 2 This is for

Speaker 2 our child. Yeah.
Like, this isn't like, yes, I'm concerned for you, but not because I want to be with you, but because I want you to be there for our daughter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you,

Speaker 1 in any world, would you like not involve yourself? Or do you feel like it is like the right thing to at least say something?

Speaker 2 I feel like like me personally,

Speaker 2 I would say something, but not, it's not for a lack of like, me not wanting to say anything. Like obviously it's uncomfortable and I probably would be

Speaker 2 I wish I wasn't in this situation because I don't want to have to have this conversation, but I will have it if, if not, like literally, not for me, for my child.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, especially if we're co-parenting, I don't want my daughter to have to worry about her father dying of a heart attack or dying of a disease or mental illness taking his life.

Speaker 2 I couldn't, like, I can't imagine,

Speaker 2 it's a very hard,

Speaker 2 it's a, it's a hard road to navigate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's so many emotions and just lifelong feelings that you deal with after something like that.

Speaker 2 And I feel like,

Speaker 2 if anything, you can say,

Speaker 2 I might not have

Speaker 2 love for you

Speaker 2 now. I might not love you the way that I once did,

Speaker 2 but you are still the reason I have a daughter. You are still the reason we have a daughter.
And I'm so grateful for that because I love our daughter.

Speaker 2 And the last thing I want is for her to have to go through the loss of a parent. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Doing it from that narrative, not even that narrative, just from that perspective.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, and it's also like, it sounds like O.P.
is a good person.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And just like, just because, you know, this was terrible, what he did, it's not like you wish him ill.

Speaker 1 It's, you're still just like, if you're genuinely a good person, no matter what someone does to you,

Speaker 1 I feel like you still can recognize and be like, I still want them, you know, to be okay.

Speaker 1 And so I think that's where OP is at. And like just really kind of like tussling with like, what's the best way to go about it?

Speaker 2 Or tell that man to get a Grindr account for real. Like if he, if he wants to sleep around, go for it.
Like if that's why he's sad because he's not getting anything, go on Grinder.

Speaker 2 I guarantee he'd get, he'd get something within the hour.

Speaker 2 That's all I have to say.

Speaker 1 Tough comment on this one. Sis, you can't help him.
Keep your interactions strictly about your daughter to avoid confusion. If you can't let it go, talk to his family.
They should be his advocates.

Speaker 1 Let them know clearly that your concern is on behalf of your daughter. She loves her dad and you want him in her life healthy and happy.
Then leave it alone and focus on you and your daughter.

Speaker 1 He, with the help of his family and friends, will have to figure it out.

Speaker 2 I mean, like, yes, but also,

Speaker 2 I still think this is, again, from the perspective of like, even like, she was saying, like, I want this for my daughter. If that's the case, let's be real.

Speaker 2 The people you went to in regards to the, like, those people who are like, oh, well, like, you should expect to have an unfaithful partner. He was unfaithful.
Where do you think?

Speaker 2 He learned that behavior from. And even if he didn't learn it from his parents, like some people are just like literally, sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Sometimes it does.

Speaker 2 And if he's one of those people where it's like it does, and you have communication with his parents because they're your daughter's grandparents, yeah, sure, talk to them.

Speaker 2 But also, like,

Speaker 2 it is so hard to do co-parenting and being like, I'm cutting you out. And like, your parents are now the middleman.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not, I don't, no offense, unless he was like a very dangerous human being, then that in that case, you should just have sole custody.

Speaker 2 But it's like, yeah, that's not like, if you want to make it work,

Speaker 2 especially with your daughter, there should be communication between the two of you co-parenting-wise.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 1 I don't completely agree with this comment because I think if the context of this situation is you guys have a good co-parenting relationship, you talk to each other, your communication is good.

Speaker 1 If your daughter is spending 50% of her time with her dad, then like you also are

Speaker 1 by having this conversation, like hopefully positively impacting your daughter's safety and health and, you know, all of the above. So for me,

Speaker 1 I think like two mature adults can have a conversation and you can like preface it in a way to not give him hope. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you have that conversation then and say, I'm worried about you and it doesn't go well, you can then reach out to his sister and be like, hey, I'm really worried about Johnny.

Speaker 1 And I tried to have a conversation and it didn't go well. It gave him hope.

Speaker 1 And I need to remove remove myself. I can't do that.

Speaker 1 However, I notice he's dealing with a lot of weight gain, potential diabetes and depression. Like,

Speaker 1 are you and your family able to get him the support he needs or look after him or whatever? I fully do agree. Like you shouldn't be his support system anymore.
I agree.

Speaker 1 But you can maybe have a conversation and say, hey, I'm worried. Can you please look after yourself and start getting the help you need?

Speaker 2 And if that conversation does not go well, if that does not.

Speaker 1 Then you're done after that. Then you don't

Speaker 2 dude. It's like, then it's like one and done.

Speaker 1 One and done.

Speaker 2 I'm out. And then it's like, yeah, sure, get in contact with his parents.
But also, if you're that concerned about your daughter, you should also talk to her.

Speaker 1 You should be like, she is only four. She's four.

Speaker 2 She's a little baby. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is even more tough because a four-year-old needs to be safe in their home. She doesn't really have a voice to advocate.

Speaker 1 So like, if you're worried about your husband and his depression and safety, then that also bleeds into your daughter and her life. So you really do need to have these conversations and get on it.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think you can approach him first and really preface it. Like, we will never

Speaker 1 go down that road again. T.

Speaker 2 Swift, we are never, ever, ever

Speaker 2 getting back together.

Speaker 1 That was good. Do you karaoke often?

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 1 I could see that for you.

Speaker 2 I literally, I'm being dead serious. I can't tell you how many times people have been like, oh my God, boy, are you Taylor Swift just from hearing my voice?

Speaker 1 Okay, I wouldn't go that far. I love you.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. No, I'm just saying, like, it's like, it's just happened so many times to count.

Speaker 2 Like, I know you might not think it, but, like, it's just happened so many times in general that it's just like hard to deny. I love you.
Thanks. A lot of people do because they think I'm Taylor.

Speaker 2 See, like, literally, see? Also, um,

Speaker 2 what it, what

Speaker 2 what, what's an, what's another good line I can do from T. Swift?

Speaker 1 Um, shake it off.

Speaker 2 Sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now why because she's dead ah see that sounded like taylor identical oh my god literally right that's like frankie grande of frankie grande was trying to be like i sound like ariana grande i just compared myself to frankie grande cut that clip out like sorry

Speaker 2 my favorite video ever is of frankie grande in that house being like i'm ariana grande's brother and everyone was like we don't give a shit What house? He was on a show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was on that show where, what is it? They have no communication with the outside world. They're in this.
Big brother. Yeah, he he was on Big Brother.

Speaker 2 And then he told everybody that he was Ariana Grande's brother. And they all were like,

Speaker 2 weird. Like, who are you? Like, what? Yeah, they're all like, what? Weirdo.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 Okay, I think we've hashed it out with this one. She's got to have the talk.

Speaker 1 Okay, moving along.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm ready.

Speaker 1 Trigger warning, this story does contain talks of fertility struggles and miscarriage. So please skip if you can't handle that today.

Speaker 1 This is a day old coming from Amma the Asshole. Okay.
Titled, Amma the Asshole for Adopting the Child My Sister Wanted to Adopt.

Speaker 1 I, 34 male, have two sisters, Amy, 36 female, and Jane, 31 female. Amy and her husband have been trying to conceive for the better part of a decade, but nothing seems to be working for them.

Speaker 1 Two years ago, they went for another round of IVF, but sadly, Amy miscarried once again. Due to complications following the miscarriage, she became sterile.

Speaker 1 This, of course, devastated her and her husband because they really wanted to start a family of their own.

Speaker 1 They are now looking into adoption, but it's been a long and slow process since Amy's husband has a criminal record from when he was 19. A year ago, my sister Jane gave birth to her son Sam.

Speaker 1 The pregnancy was the result of a one-night stand during Jane's vacation in Italy. And although it was unexpected and the father wouldn't be in the picture, Jane decided to keep the baby.

Speaker 1 Sadly, Jane had a stroke when Sam was six months old and passed away. It was very unexpected, and most of the family is still grieving.
After the funeral, we started to discuss who will take Sam in.

Speaker 1 My parents were out of the question since they were too old and wouldn't be able to take care of him. So it was between Amy and I.

Speaker 1 Amy jumped at the opportunity and volunteered to take Sam in. And although this seemed to be the ideal solution at first, the way Amy spoke about the adoption didn't sit right with me.

Speaker 1 She wanted to change Sam's name and surname and asked us not to mention Jane around Sam after the adoption would be finalized.

Speaker 1 Essentially, Amy wanted to raise Sam as her own and didn't think telling him that his bio mom passed away would do him any good.

Speaker 2 How old was he?

Speaker 1 He's only six months old.

Speaker 1 To me, this felt like Amy was trying to erase Jane's memory and was treating her like some surrogate and not a sister whom she had also lost.

Speaker 1 After much consideration, I didn't like the idea that Sam would grow up without knowing who his bio mother was.

Speaker 1 And although I already have five children of my own, I decided to contest the adoption and volunteered to adopt him instead.

Speaker 1 We went to court, and it was recently determined that my wife and I would be be adopting Sam.

Speaker 1 Amy is furious with me and is calling me an asshole for ruining her chances at becoming a mother.

Speaker 1 She is saying that I already have many children of my own, so I don't understand how badly she wants to become a parent.

Speaker 1 Some relatives are now calling me selfish for taking this chance away from Amy and are telling me that instead of thinking of what would be better for Sam, I was thinking about how to preserve the memory of Jane.

Speaker 1 Although I don't regret adopting Sam, I'm starting to doubt whether whether I made the right decision for his future.

Speaker 1 I know that Amy would have made a great mother, and that both her and her husband would absolutely adore Sam.

Speaker 1 And as their only child, they would probably be able to provide him a better life financially. However, them wanting to erase all memories of Jane just doesn't feel right.
Am I the asshole?

Speaker 2 I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I don't either.

Speaker 2 I mean, like, it's a very tough situation, I feel, but I don't think you are the asshole. Not one bit.

Speaker 2 It's, oh my gosh. I mean, it's so weird because I'm hearing these stories and I'm like actually relating them to like

Speaker 2 my own experiences. And my thing is like, there are situations where it's like, hey.

Speaker 2 You were raised by your aunt and like you don't know like

Speaker 2 that your

Speaker 2 aunt is not your mom and like you're the person you thought was your aunt was your mom you know what i mean is that does that make sense yeah i feel like that happens to some people it does it does happen to some people but i feel like

Speaker 1 is it like right to be kept in the dark i don't think so also

Speaker 2 to

Speaker 2 basically be like i don't want you to mention

Speaker 2 her around him. That's weird.
That's weird. Like, I feel like it'd be one thing if it was like

Speaker 2 you adopted him and you didn't want him at first growing up to know that like his mother passed away at a young age.

Speaker 2 I feel like that's like one thing to be like, hey, like you're a little kid and you should not have to like the concept of death and knowing that your mother died of a stroke.

Speaker 2 is not something you should be hearing at such a vulnerable age.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's definitely appropriate times to tell children things like this.

Speaker 2 So I feel like if you were like raising him and like

Speaker 2 mentioning stories of like his aunt who is actually his mother, that's like okay. And then eventually as he's older being like,

Speaker 2 look, we love you like our own, but we just want you to know that your aunt is actually your biological mother. And eventually being in a place to tell the child, understandable.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I think it's like the fact that you simply were like, I don't want anyone to mention anything about her around him and like change his name his surname like that's weird that like changing his name changing his name that's kind of like i understand if like the surname if you wanted to change his surname to be like oh like it's your last name our last name that's that i understand you know because then that also prevents the question of like when your son is younger and he has friends come over and they're like, why does,

Speaker 2 why do you have a different last name than your mom and dad? And he's like, I don't know how to explain that. You know,

Speaker 2 that makes, but to change his name and then to change his last name. It feels disrespectful.
Yeah, it's just, it feels like you're trying to completely erase your sister.

Speaker 2 And I don't think you're the asshole for adopting him because realistically, it's like, that sounds exactly what,

Speaker 2 sounds exactly what they were trying to do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's very strange.

Speaker 1 I think it's really sad, disheartening, disrespectful.

Speaker 1 You can adopt this child and raise this child as your own, love this child as your own, like,

Speaker 1 and not completely destroy their identity or their history. There's nothing shameful about this.

Speaker 1 There's nothing like, just because your child has a different birth mom doesn't mean you're going to love them less or they're going to love you less because they know that.

Speaker 1 Also, how fucking dumb are you? All it takes is him to grow up, turn 18 or even under 18, do a 23 and me kit or a DNA kit or whatever, and literally find out you're not his mom.

Speaker 2 Can I, can I say something like from personal experience? Come on. Love my mother to death.
I really, I do.

Speaker 2 She's the, she didn't, she waited to tell me I didn't have a dad until I believe like the first or second grade. Okay.
Um, and by not have a dad, she'd be like, he's not in the picture. Okay.

Speaker 2 So like growing up, I like, cause the thought never crossed my mind because it was like, oh, I just don't have a dad.

Speaker 1 Like, that was it. You just didn't connect it when you're that little.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. When you're little, it's just like, oh, I just have a mommy.
That's all I have. I just have my mommy.
I don't have a daddy.

Speaker 2 I even remember being like, oh, my mom is both. Like, I call, I used to be like, I used to make, I still do.
Like, I'll write my mom like happy Father's Day because she played the part of both of us.

Speaker 2 I love that. Yeah.
And it wasn't until I got older and I did a 23 in me that I felt

Speaker 2 that I had an uncle on,

Speaker 2 and it completely slipped my mom's mind. I mean, like, there were things that I just like, there were things it was just like, you didn't need to know about it, you know?

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, obviously, especially if it's like something that could cause the child pain.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I mean, like, obviously now I know that, like, I do have like half sisters.
And oh my God, I also know that like I have nieces and nephews. Yeah.
But it's like, at the time, I didn't.

Speaker 2 And I did a 23andMe, found out that I had an uncle on my dad's side only because I only saw the initials. And it was,

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say them, but I basically went to my mom because I do, I have an uncle, Bobby. His name is Robert.
So this person, my uncle on my dad's side,

Speaker 2 had an R for his first letter. And I was like, mom, like, how fucking dumb does Uncle Bobby have to be to have the wrong last name? Cause it like his initials, like it said R blank.

Speaker 2 And I was like, that's not Uncle Bobby's last name. And my mom was like, oh, no, Spencer.
Like, you actually, I'm so sorry. have an uncle on your dad's side.
And I was like, holy shit.

Speaker 2 Like, I didn't even know that. But it's like, it was going to come up eventually.
So, for you to like completely erase her, like, that's like also,

Speaker 2 if I were to do a 23-in-me and say, like, your sister did a 23-in-me, she would show up as a biological mother, even if she is deceased. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, and like, if there's so many ways, like, with familial connections, how like you can find out info. So, it's like this, this kid would find out.

Speaker 1 And I think it's kind of funny that people are like calling out OP and being like, I was thinking about how to preserve the memory versus what would be best for Sam.

Speaker 1 And it's funny that people are calling him out for that because it's like,

Speaker 1 it's like, well, the sister's kind of doing the exact opposite.

Speaker 1 This sister is like burying her grief and unhealthily dealing with losing her sister by ignoring her sister ever existing and covering up this child's previous identity in life.

Speaker 1 That's not what's best for the child either.

Speaker 2 That's weird.

Speaker 1 Like, like, what would be best for the child would be this sister being fucking normal and just adopting this child and embracing this child's history and loving her sister and being sad she's gone like

Speaker 1 there was a perfect scenario here but no one can fucking do it

Speaker 2 so this is this is now what's best yeah like this is like this is not the asshole i don't i don't think you're the asshole i oh I just I feel like

Speaker 2 people deal with grief differently. And fortunately, though, I will say, out of the both of you, I do feel like you were the better option for this child.

Speaker 2 Like you were the better option because it's like, now you, now he's being raised with siblings, one, but like, also it's like not knowing about your past makes it feel like you should be ashamed of it.

Speaker 2 Yes. And I don't feel like there is any reason for you.
to be ashamed that your mother passed away from a one-night state.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, like, I feel like she's trying to be like, and she passed away from a stroke.

Speaker 1 A tragic stroke at like 30

Speaker 1 yeah it's weird that they want to hide it the top comment gives us some info this reads weird was there no middle ground between letting them do this completely their way or adopting sam yourselves as far as i know your instinct is right and children should be told where they come from as soon as possible so it's never some big secret however couldn't you have convinced them this instead

Speaker 1 OP response.

Speaker 1 I tried to talk to Amy about my concerns, but she brushed me off.

Speaker 1 From what I know, she was planning on telling Sam that he was her rainbow baby, since it would be better for him to think that he was some sort of miracle rather than know that she only got him because his bio mom passed away.

Speaker 2 A rainbow baby? Like she gave birth to him and it was just like a miracle.

Speaker 1 Rainbow babies are what people call their child after they've struggled with miscarriages. So it's like this like miracle baby.

Speaker 1 Like I was able to conceive you after, you know, suffering from tragic losses. But that's a fucking lie

Speaker 1 amy has a lot of pictures of where she had a baby dump showing and some pictures of her holding sam at the hospital when he was born so she could pass the story off as something true

Speaker 1 that's no that's weird amy needs mental health help as well if that's how she was going to handle this and i feel like this would cause this child when they do find out the truth to have a mental breakdown or crisis of their own literally that is a complete earth-shattering identity crisis you find out your parents, the people you love and trust most, lied to you your whole life.

Speaker 1 Your whole life. That is not the solution.

Speaker 2 That's not healthy.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, no, I don't think the asshole.

Speaker 2 I don't either. I feel like there should have been a middle ground.
I don't think you're the asshole for doing what you were doing.

Speaker 2 I wish there was some sort of middle ground, but thank God you did what you did.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Thank God you were able to step in and the courts chose the right option.
Yeah. The sane option.
Because Amy couldn't get on board. And that's Amy's own fault for getting fucking weird.

Speaker 1 That's weird. Yeah.
Don't be weird. And maybe

Speaker 1 things will work out.

Speaker 2 That's odd behavior.

Speaker 1 Moving along. Last story for us.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm ready.

Speaker 1 Okay, so this next one.

Speaker 1 See, I'm basically Taylor Swift, too.

Speaker 2 See, like, I would say that, but it's just like,

Speaker 2 have you been told by other people that you are?

Speaker 1 No, I genuinely can't say.

Speaker 2 Oh, I've been told by so many people that I could be Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Not really. Other people, but people in my head.

Speaker 2 I just love you.

Speaker 1 Okay, this next one. It's coming from Am I the Asshole titled, Am I the Asshole for Still Going to My Daughter's Wedding, Even Though My Other Daughter Isn't Invited Due to Her Panic Attacks?

Speaker 1 I have two daughters. They are 27 and 24.
The issue is my younger daughter got into a bad situation when she was in high school. She now has panic attacks and is on meds for almost eight years now.

Speaker 1 My oldest is not close to her younger sibling. It boils down to celebrations usually getting interrupted by a panic attack.

Speaker 1 I know my youngest isn't doing it on purpose, but it really sucks when you are at a graduation and a panic attack happens.

Speaker 1 Sometimes she can get away and calm down, but sometimes she pushes herself too hard and it results in an attack. Now on to the issue.
My oldest is getting married.

Speaker 1 Everyone was invited to her engagement party, and during the event, the youngest had an attack. The event ended soon after, since the whole incident ruined the vibe.

Speaker 1 My oldest was really upset and kept going on about how she shouldn't have invited her. Invitations were sent out for the wedding, and my oldest didn't invite her younger sibling.

Speaker 1 I asked her about it, and she informed me that she wants her wedding to go smoothly, unlike all her other events that have been interrupted by panic attacks.

Speaker 1 I asked her to reconsider, and she said no, she wants one day where it is about her. My youngest is really upset and asked me to skip the wedding.
I informed her I will not.

Speaker 1 I don't want to miss my daughter getting married. This resulted in an argument and she called me a jerk.
I'm looking for opinions.

Speaker 1 My youngest gets attacks at all types of events, not just her sister's. So this isn't I am trying to ruin my sister's event situation.
She has been seeing a therapist.

Speaker 1 The main issue with the panic attacks is that they come on suddenly. She could be doing fine all night and something pushes her over the edge.

Speaker 1 She is a million times better than when she was a teenager and getting attacks twice a day.

Speaker 1 Please help.

Speaker 2 I don't think you're the asshole at all. Like, here's the thing.
It's like, I'm sorry to say this, but

Speaker 2 if

Speaker 2 she's had attacks at her older sister's graduation and things, even at the engagement part.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was a good trial run. That was like, I'm like, here's the thing.
I'm sure her older sister sympathizes and empathizes. And it's like, I can't imagine what that must be like.

Speaker 2 But at the same time, it's like,

Speaker 2 I would want my wedding to be about me too. And if I knew, especially because the panic attacks are sudden,

Speaker 2 they come out of nowhere. Like, there isn't like controlling them or like figuring out when it's going to happen.
They just happen. It's like, I don't want to have that risk at my wedding.

Speaker 2 And to be fair, I I know they're not close, but they're sisters. And I feel like your youngest should understand.
I would understand

Speaker 2 because your youngest is what, 24? I'm 22. And if I had frequent panic attacks and I was on medication for it, I feel like I would feel the same way.

Speaker 1 Well, it's also to the point.

Speaker 1 You need to recognize your own boundaries.

Speaker 1 If you're having these panic attacks, they're not enjoyable for you. So I feel like you kind of need to take more autonomy and not put yourself in that, in those situations or force yourself to do it.

Speaker 1 Like, don't push yourself over the edge. Don't try so hard that you then trigger an attack.
Like, that's not healthy or fun for you. And you don't have to go through that.

Speaker 1 Also, like, don't push yourself.

Speaker 2 And I'm also thinking of it this way.

Speaker 2 If you are the type to have a sudden panic attack, how would you feel if you were at the sweating full of people and you were having a panic attack during the ceremony?

Speaker 2 A quiet ceremony and you have to just get up and run away or get up and walk away, that would probably induce more anxiety. Like, if anything, it's like, here's my thing.

Speaker 2 Like, go, if you're invited, go to the after party. But the weddings, the ceremony itself, that's not.
No. And even if it is, like, you're not invited to

Speaker 2 the reception afterwards.

Speaker 2 You need to just respect your sister's wishes.

Speaker 2 You need to actually, I know it sucks to view yourself as like, I wasn't invited because of my panic attacks, but you need to put yourself in a situation of like, no, that's not it.

Speaker 2 It's more so, this is your sister's day.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And like, if that, if that is to happen and something goes wrong, it's no longer your sister's day.
It's your day. And that's not fair to her.
No.

Speaker 1 I also think by not.

Speaker 1 looking out for yourself and like pushing and going to these events, it's also probably strained their relationship more.

Speaker 1 Like, I think if our OP would have maybe said, like, hey, sweetie, you know, if you have an attack, let's leave right away.

Speaker 1 We're not going to disturb the event, whether that's graduation or, you know, whatever. Like, I feel like the relationship would be better.
Like, they're only three years apart. Like,

Speaker 1 it is kind of odd that they're not close, but it's probably given this history of the sister, the older ones, events being taken out by the younger, which it shouldn't be like that either.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel like if there was an issue, like I know panic attacks are sudden, but like, if I, if I was the parent, I would try to handle it as discreetly as I could.

Speaker 1 I know. I don't get how the engagement party got so hijacked that it was then over after this panic attack.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm sorry, no offense. Go ahead.
I would do the same fucking thing.

Speaker 1 And I take mental health so seriously. It's something I really try to advocate for in all areas.

Speaker 1 But, like, you also have to, at a certain point, you're the one that's also responsible for your mental health

Speaker 2 and your triggers.

Speaker 1 And so if you feel it coming on, you need to like remove yourself and find a safe space.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it is hard. I think the sister is totally justified.
And at the same time, that other daughter deserves to feel supported by her mom and have her mom at her wedding.

Speaker 1 And so like for the sister to be like, you shouldn't go. I'm not invited.

Speaker 1 That's not fair.

Speaker 2 It also feels very like territorial like now. Like it's like, oh, if I'm not invited, you shouldn't go either.
Like your mom favors you.

Speaker 2 See, this is, this is why I feel like even that mentality of like, oh, if I'm not going, my mom shouldn't go. That means in your head that like you should be set as a priority over your sister.

Speaker 2 You're, you both should be a priority. It's equal.
And I'm sorry if you have panic attacks, but it's like you should understand like,

Speaker 2 again, same way. I'm on medication for my anxiety.
I take my medication and I know, I know she's on medication too, but get your head out of your ass.

Speaker 2 Like, I understand if you have these severe panic attacks, but really you shouldn't, you shouldn't be like this, oh, well, if I'm not going, my mom shouldn't go.

Speaker 2 Like, this sounded that's not about you.

Speaker 1 This is the day that it's actually not about you. At all.
This is about her. Wedding days are the one day where you can really get away with making it all about you.

Speaker 2 It's about you.

Speaker 1 That's the day, baby.

Speaker 2 It's not about you, babe.

Speaker 1 So, yeah. There's a comment.
Your oldest is correct. Everything becomes about your youngest the second she has a panic attack.
Do you know what's causing them? Not the asshole.

Speaker 1 OP responds, there are triggers. The biggest issue at events is the large amount of people.
It's almost impossible to avoid if she pushes herself at an event.

Speaker 2 It's a wedding and there are a lot of people there. And you know that being around large crowds will induce a panic attack.

Speaker 2 So your sister is now somewhat looking out for you too, being like, I know you're going to have one. Yeah.
Don't come.

Speaker 2 And now you're like, oh, if I'm not invited, my mom shouldn't go either. No, like, what, like, what is your issue? Sorry, but if you go, you know, you're going to have a panic attack.

Speaker 1 You know. Well, and that's like the problem here where it's like, what happened to you in high school is sad.
It's, you know, you're now dealing with these anxiety attack, panic attacks.

Speaker 1 Like, that's, that's terrible. That's very unfair.

Speaker 1 However, you need to recognize that like you can't put yourself in these events and like trigger these attacks and then not exp and like expect people to like not care.

Speaker 2 Or like stop. Like also it's like, it sounds like you want

Speaker 2 everything to stop.

Speaker 1 And that's just not the reality.

Speaker 2 Right. Like it's the world does not stop because you want it to.
Just because you're having a panic attack, that doesn't mean that like.

Speaker 2 everybody has to stop what they're doing and drop what they're doing to just support you.

Speaker 2 And I mean, like, yeah, you need that support, but regardless, we are talking about a major event in your sister's life that now you would be taking over because you would have a panic attack because

Speaker 2 it is a large group of people. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think what I would try to do, like if this were my sibling, I would try to accommodate it and like be like, hey, I want you there.

Speaker 1 I want you to be able to experience my wedding, but we know, we know people and large numbers of people are a trigger for you.

Speaker 1 Let me see if I can find a private area for you to view the wedding from the the back.

Speaker 1 Where if something happens, I was just thinking of that, you're not going to disrupt, like a balcony, like where the choir usually is.

Speaker 2 There's usually a balcony, so you're going to be

Speaker 1 private, you're by yourself. And then, if something happens, you will not disrupt the event.

Speaker 1 No one will notice if you leave, no one will notice if you start hyperventilating, or whatever these attacks look like look like for this girl.

Speaker 2 But at the same time, I feel like if the older sister is already like, I'm not doing that, it gives it very much gives already like she's at her wits' end.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it also gives like if your sister isn't willing to give you a private room that's fine i feel like that's fine but it's also because she knows that regardless it's not gonna do anything like it's still gonna become your day that is really true and someone does kind of point that out in the comments not the asshole except your panicky daughter who is trying to guilt trip you for attending the wedding is the asshole uh-huh I don't blame the panicky daughter for having panic attacks, but she has to realize that there are consequences for ruining other people's important events.

Speaker 1 Correct. And that's just kind of the thing.
Like you've been invited to these events that are important. The engagement dinner, as we said, was like a great trial run.
It didn't go well.

Speaker 1 And so now it's just kind of like the unfortunate result. You can't come.
And if I was the one with the panic attacks, like that is so sad. Like I would feel so left out and so.

Speaker 1 Like it's hurt. It's hurtful.
It's really disheartening. It's just like that you do want to feel included.
And like, you're probably resentful at yourself for these panic attacks you're having.

Speaker 1 But this is also just the sad reality. Like, it's not a situation where there's a have your cake eat it too situation.

Speaker 2 I feel like what really needs to go down here is like a sense of empathy. Like, I feel like it needs to be like that.

Speaker 2 Your daughter needs to, your younger daughter needs to have a sense of empathy for her older sister and just understand that like

Speaker 2 every other event, every other thing has mysteriously, not mysteriously, but it has become hijacked by her. Even her engagement party, she doesn't want you there for a reason.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry that you have panic attacks. Again, that's not your fault, but also

Speaker 2 it isn't your sister's fault for wanting a day to herself.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel like you need to view it from your sister's view too.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Someone does say, not the asshole, not being invited to the wedding is kind of a big deal, though, for their relationship.

Speaker 1 But if you have such bad panic attacks that it shuts down the entire event, you can't expect to be invited to these things.

Speaker 1 Maybe if you could promise to stick close to her and quietly take her away from the party when you recognize a panic attack coming on, she could be allowed to attend.

Speaker 1 And OP does respond, I really don't want to be on her constantly. That doesn't seem fair to my daughter who is getting married.
She is getting married, but I'm watching the youngest the whole time.

Speaker 1 She deserves her parents to have her attention on her wedding day. And I completely agree.
Moms are very important on wedding days for a lot of people.

Speaker 1 So it's like my mom could be walking down the aisle with me and my dad, like depending on what their family looks like. Parents could be very, very involved.

Speaker 1 So it's not fair that your other daughter is going to take away from your presence. And like, no.

Speaker 1 And OP does say, as far as their relationship, it's already bad. So I wouldn't be surprised if they don't talk to each other after this.
And that's just kind of the the sad reality.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a lot of people are offering solutions. Like, would it be possible for someone to sit near your youngest and be able to escort her out of whatever room you're in if a panic attack starts? Maybe.

Speaker 1 I don't think anyone would like that solution. The person watching her will not have a good time at the wedding.
Not to mention, I don't think my youngest would like being watched constantly.

Speaker 1 Also, my oldest would need to agree to this, and she already said she wasn't changing her mind.

Speaker 2 Well, there you have it, y'all.

Speaker 1 I don't think, I think it's totally fair. It's sad, but like, it just kind of is the reality with this one.

Speaker 2 There you have it.

Speaker 1 I think the theme for this episode definitely changed. Yeah, it did.
I think it's

Speaker 1 not too stunned to speak.

Speaker 1 Because we had some thoughts.

Speaker 2 We had a lot of thoughts. We had a lot of thoughts.
And I feel like a lot of them aligned with what people were saying.

Speaker 1 I hope so. I can't wait to see people's takes.
I wonder what was the one I was like, people could disagree with us.

Speaker 2 I think it was an early one.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think because there were a few that I felt like maybe people could disagree.

Speaker 1 I do like when people disagree too, because it actually is so thought-provoking for me when I read the comments. I'm like, oh my God, how did I, how did I miss that?

Speaker 2 How did I not think of that? But also at the same time, it's kind of like.

Speaker 1 We only have so much time to talk. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's only, here's another big thing. I feel like when it comes to situations that we are commenting on,

Speaker 2 we really will never get the full scope. No.

Speaker 2 like, I feel like if you wanted a real good answer, I'd need to know about like your familial ties, like what, like, even with that one where like the sarah, where she was like, I'd be a surrogate for, or no, not the surrogate.

Speaker 2 Oh, that one. The one.
That's probably the one. And the diabetes, the guy with diabetes.
I feel like that could have been.

Speaker 1 There's definitely more context. We could have had.

Speaker 2 If there was a lot more context, I'd be like, okay. Like I would, I would need more context.
There's only so much advice you can give based off of a little story.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I even, as I'm editing every week, I literally sometimes I'm like, no, Morgan, why did you say that? My opinion changes by the time this thing comes out in some small regard, usually.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I missed something. I wanted to talk about it, but I forgot.
But let us know what you guys think in the comments.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much, Spencer, for joining. Thank you for having me.
Where can everyone find you? Because you've got so much fun stuff coming up. You're on YouTube.
Really plugging that. Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Your stuff has been like really fun over there.

Speaker 2 So I've been posting frequently on YouTube.

Speaker 2 You can find me there at Spencewai. You can actually find me everywhere at Spenso.
That's P-E-N-C-E-W-U-A-H.

Speaker 2 Snapchat. I'll sometimes post there, not as frequently, but if you want to, it's Spencemois with an M in the middle.

Speaker 2 Also, I released merch. If you want to get some of that, you can go to spensois.com.

Speaker 2 And there's a lot coming soon. A lot of people have been asking me where the podcast is, if it's coming, if there will be a podcast.
Let's just say this:

Speaker 2 wink.

Speaker 2 That's all you get for now.

Speaker 1 Go follow Spencer on YouTube, Instagram. All of the links for the channels will be in the description because you don't want to miss out.
So you got to subscribe, especially on the tube.

Speaker 1 YouTube's got so much good stuff.

Speaker 2 It does.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, thank you guys.
Head over to Patreon if you want more stories. And until next time, bye.

Speaker 2 Bye, guys.