WWDTM: Chris Perfetti

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From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm the voice that tells souls to go toward the light.

I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, in the Guinness Farsade.

Oh!

Thank you, Bill.

And thank you, everyone.

I'm filling in for Peter Sagal because he likes to take a full Father's Day week.

We have a great show for you today.

We're going to be joined by Chris Perfetti from Abbott Elementary.

He plays the anxious, grammar-sensitive frisbee dork on the show, which means he'll fit right in with us.

But first, it's your turn to dork out.

Give us a call to play our games.

The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT.

That's 1-888-9248-924.

Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WaitWait.

Don't tell me.

Hi, this is Christian from Portland, Maine.

Hi, Christian.

There's some Portland, Maine fans in the audience.

What do you do in Portland?

I'm a meteorologist, actually.

Oh.

Do you have a favorite terrible weather?

Oh,

I'd have to say hurricanes.

I love a good hurricane.

Oh, that's right.

You sound dangerous at a party.

Good news, Portland.

We've got a hurricane bearing down on us.

So fun.

Now, Christian, let's introduce you to our panel.

First up, he's the host of the daily podcast TBTL and the public radio variety show LiveWire, which will be at Kiln in Portland July 17th.

It's Luke Burbank.

Hey, Christian.

Next, she's a comedian who will be headlining the DC improv July 11th through the 13th.

It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

Hey, Christian.

Luke Joyelle.

And he's a comedian who will be playing at Blue Note Jazz Club in Hawaii on June 25th and Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank on July 25th.

It's Alonzo Bowden.

What's up, Christian?

Alonzo.

Okay, so Christian, welcome to the show.

You're going to play Who's Bill this Time.

Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news.

If you can identify two of them, you'll win our prize, which is any voice from our show on your voicemail.

Are you ready?

I'm so ready.

I can't believe it.

Okay.

Here's your first quote.

There will be 28 Abrams tanks, 6,700 soldiers, 50 helicopters, 34 horses, two mules, and a dog.

All right, what will this assorted collection of creatures and weapons be a part of this weekend?

That would be the 250th anniversary of the Army Parade in D.C., I believe.

That's right, Trump's military parade.

This weekend, Trump is throwing himself a military parade honoring his birthday and the Army's 250th birthday.

Just what the Army needs, someone showing up at their birthday party and going, it's my birthday, too.

I think that one dog, like all the other dogs are going to be on him like, what are you doing?

Why are you out there?

What do you want of them now?

That poor dog.

It's a lot lot of pressure.

Yeah, he's got to go through this.

Well look, I mean it's one thing to demand a multi-million dollar military parade, but did he also have to demand being Santa in the final float?

You know what I hate about this?

I hate having something in common with a wannabe dictator.

I'm very vain.

I'm a Virgo.

I would love to have a military parade for myself.

I'm bad that he beat me to the punch.

I'm going to find out Stalin also liked oyster happy hours.

Like, what's going on?

Do we know what the weather is going to be like for the parade?

Well, I think we can ask Christian.

Hey, yeah, there you go.

Good idea.

It's the swamp.

Can you?

You just happen to have a guy.

Can you summon a hurricane, Christian?

Don't try my boss.

I've driven in D.C.

numerous times.

I've gotten lost every time I'm there.

I don't know how you're going to drive a tank through Washington, D.C.

It literally, the streets are too small for a Prius.

And actually, it's funny you should mention the streets because there's going to be 28 Abram tanks in this parade, which are, and this is true, they're twice as heavy as the weight limit of the streets in D.C.

Nice.

So it's not the greatest thing for our national defense to show people you can destroy Washington by simply driving tanks down the street.

Every time I think we could not do a bigger self-own,

we find another yet way.

Let's move on to your next quote.

Even athletes, the most virtuously healthy of celebrities, are involved.

That was Guardian newspaper talking about how more and more celebrities are taking up what bad habit.

Oh, smoking.

That's right, smoking.

Now,

it's popular again, and to any kids listening, we want to be clear.

Smoking is not cool.

It only makes you look cool.

Yes, important clarification.

But thanks to more and more characters in TV shows, smoking is back.

It's on the bear and on just like that.

A musician's too, Beyonce Smokes on Stage Now.

It's all coming back around.

We got rid of records and now vinyl is back.

We got rid of measles and now measles are back.

It was also on Broadway, too.

I went to go see Goodnight and Good Luck and they were smoking on stage.

I'm like, bitch, I got asthma.

I think we'll know that this is officially a thing when they bring back the greatest joy of my childhood, which was candy cigarettes.

Yes.

If you got one that had some dust in it, you could blow on it so it would kind of look like smoke was coming out.

Yep, I had those.

You wonder why my generation is deeply, profoundly messed up.

Because we had child cigarettes.

Yeah, I was up to a full pack of candy cigarettes in my heyday.

Yeah.

So, who wins in the smoker versus vape debate?

Like, which one is Alonzo?

who's cooler?

Literally, vaping has never been cool.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put the vapes away forever.

In defense of vaping, when you're walking down the street and somebody is smoking a cigarette and that smacks you in the face, I'd rather get hit with a vape cloud.

You want to taste a root beer plum smoke that was in someone else's lungs?

Because when you smell the smell of their vape, it's because it was in their body.

Absolutely.

I want some root beer.

I want some raspberries.

I want some strawberries.

I want some schnawsberries.

Let's do this.

All right, Christian, you still there?

Right.

Still here.

All right.

Your last quote is some advice for choosing which concerts to see this summer.

Budget-conscious fans get the best value from Usher.

According to this advice, the best way to judge a concert's worth is to figure out the price per what?

Per ticket.

Yeah, that is the traditional way, but there is another way.

Let me give you a hint.

The set list is basically an itemized receipt.

Price per song.

Price per song.

You got it on the first try.

That's right.

Price per song.

So concert tickets are ridiculously expensive with ticket master fees and those tariffs on encores.

And when you break down the price of a concert by song, some fans are paying over $10 per song at a show, which is crazy.

Now if there was a way to pay extra for an artist to play my favorite songs first so I can leave early, I would definitely pay that.

So is Usher the number one value because of a low price or a lot of songs?

Oh, he plays like a ton, a ton of songs.

And also Usher's cost per, yeah, is the deal of the century.

Yeah, Usher will also steal your wife if you go to concerts.

So you get the value, but you won't have a wife no more.

So just to be clear, the math comes down to average ticket price divided by how many songs they perform.

So a ticket to a Beyoncé concert is $490, and she plays 36 songs coming out to $13 each.

And remember this math next time you're at a show and the band is like, all right, now we're going to play some new stuff because that band is stealing from you.

I'm going to say I just saw Grace Jones on Monday, $18.70 a song, and it was worth every penny.

Did you just do that math on that piece of paper?

I did.

I had the picture of the set list.

But I mean, this is my question.

Like, do we really want to bring a buffet mentality to art?

You know, where you're like, Mona Lisa is a great painting, but price per inch, she is not worth it.

That was my literal reaction to seeing the Mona Lisa.

Right.

I waited in a very long line and I got there and I was like, this is smaller than I was expecting, honestly.

I think that's everyone's reaction

to the Mona Lisa.

Size does matter sometimes.

Yes.

I've been trying to say it doesn't, but it does.

All right.

Bill, how did Christian do?

Like his forecasts, perfect.

Yes.

Yeah.

Congratulations, Christian.

Thank you so much for playing our game.

Thank you so much for having me.

And now, panel, I have some questions for you about this week's news.

Alonzo, you've heard of Real ID.

Well, this week the TSA released an advisory reminding people that they cannot get on flights using what?

As someone who flies all the time, this one even surprised me.

You cannot fly using your Costco card.

That's your Costco card.

No, but I read the story and I was like, I can't believe they're doing it.

You know, I have all of it.

You know, I have CLEAR, I have TSA PreChat.

In other words, I travel all the time.

I'm getting through the airport.

If I have to wait for you because you broke out a Costco card,

we're going to have a problem.

Plus, when you get off the plane, they go through your whole receipt, just checking that the flight was okay, which is major time killer.

Where my Costco heads at

one step at a time, in the blink of an eye, I'm learning to live, I'm learning to fly.

Coming up, our panelists celebrate when they were just a twinkle in their dad's eye.

Call 1-888-WAIT WAIT to play.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

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From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis.

We're playing this week with Luke Burbank, Alonzo Bowden, and Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

And here again is your host at the Student Maker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Nageen Farside.

Thanks, Bill.

Now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener game.

Call 1-888-WAIT WAIT to play our game on air or check out the the pin post on our Instagram page at WaitWaitNPR.

Hi, you're on Wait Wait, don't tell me.

Hi, this is Devin from Tucson, Arizona.

What do you do there?

I'm actually an elementary art teacher.

Nice.

That's awesome.

I have a six-year-old and the art teacher is her favorite teacher.

Are you the favorite teacher of many children?

Of a lot of them.

I would say like if you want to feel like a rock star,

be an elementary art teacher.

For sure.

I've made some career mistakes.

Okay.

So it's so nice to have you with us, Devin.

You're going to play the game where you tell truth from fiction.

What's the topic, Bill?

How I met your father.

So it's always fun to learn how your parents met, then not fun to learn anything about what happened later that night.

Our panelists are going to tell you about this unique way two people got their family started.

Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win the weight waiter of your choice on your voicemail.

Are you ready to play?

I'm ready.

All right, first up, it's Alonzo Bowden.

Jennifer Langley loves to ride.

Her happy place is whipping around Chicago on her Vespa.

She knew she had to have a man who shared that passion, so when she heard about a biker rally in Sturgis, she had to go well it turns out Sturgis is the biggest motorcycle rally in the country fortunately she found out most of these guys weren't sons of anarchy they were sons of arthritis

soon everyone at sturgis heard about jennifer and her vespa and she ended up winning the loudest motorcycle competition when her muffler was broken When Peter, a Harley rider from New York, saw her accept her trophy, a chrome muffler with her name engraved on it, he fell in love.

And when Jennifer watched him do wheelies on her Vespa, she fell in love with him.

And now with the baby on the way, they're talking about a sidecar.

All right.

The love story from a biker festival from Alonzo Bowden.

Your next man in a meet cute comes from Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

When Daniella Senor attended the funeral for a family member two years ago, she spent the afternoon reflecting on their life, legacy, and how smoking hot the funeral director was.

When you imagine an Undertaker, maybe you picture a Nosferatu-es ghoul or the pro wrestler who wears that wet coat, but Apollo wasn't like your average Undertaker.

He was normal and handsome.

So naturally, Daniela went to every funeral for two years.

Trying to catch Apollo's eye.

She's from a small town in Brazil where everyone knows each other, so it was easy to get away with going to all those funerals.

But wearing that black negligee did seem a little over the top.

It took two years because Apollo was, quote, always focused on his work.

What?

Does a girl have to be dead to get any attention around here?

But finally, she caught his eye and they got married last weekend.

I can't wait to see the rom-com based on this, 400 funerals and a wedding.

The woman who went to a bunch of funerals to catch an undertaker's attention from Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

And your last future father comes from Luke Burbank.

About eight months ago, Yelena Kondakova noticed something was going on.

Her meals on the International Space Station just looked and tasted better than everyone else's.

It almost seemed like maybe it was all made with love.

That's because it was.

Down on Terra Firma, food scientist Pavel Yegorov was tasked with preparing the cosmonauts' meals and sending them up.

And he had fallen in love with Yelena, but not based on her brains or her beauty, but on her bizarre food requests.

Once, she asked me if she could have freeze-dried pickle herring, which caught my attention because that's disgusting.

No one has ever asked for that.

Pavel explained to CNN.

Along with a batch of cabbage soup, extra sour, just how she liked, Pavel started including little notes like, have a great day riding on that exercise bike and spinning around, catching water droplets in your mouth, or whatever you do up there.

Yelena was charmed and started using her weekly phone time to chat with Pavel.

And before you know it the two were in love.

Last week when Kondakova splashed down in the Black Sea Pavel was there on the boat with an engagement ring.

Kondakova of course said yes enthusiastically followed by also I really need to sit down because I am not used to this amount of gravity.

Okay Devin.

Okay, Devin, so you've got a Vespa riding woman finding love at Sturgis from Alonso Bowden, an Earth-based chef who fell in love with a cosmonaut based on the food she ordered from Luke Burbank, and a woman who went to two years' worth of funerals to catch the funeral director's eye from Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

Which one is real?

Oh gosh, that's hard.

I think they all deserve love, but

I'm gonna

go

with the Vespa.

Okay.

Yeah?

The audience is partially supportive supportive of that.

Okay, well, to find out which story is true, we spoke to a reporter covering the real story.

This woman was going to strangers' funerals for two whole years just to flirt with somebody.

There she goes.

That's right.

That was Ashley Fike, a news desk writer for Vice who reported on the woman who persisted after the funeral director's heart.

I'm sorry, Devin, but Joyelle has the real answer.

You didn't win, but you did earn a point for Alonso.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for playing with us.

Bye.

Sorry, thank you.

This was so fun.

Bye.

Work, work, work, the body for me.

Work, work, work, the body for me.

Work the body for me.

Work the body for me.

And now, the game we call Not My Job.

Chris Perfetti was primarily known for his dramatic work before landing the role of beloved history teacher Jacob Hill on Abbott Elementary.

Since then, he's won a Screen Actors Guild Award and shared a Peabody with a casting crew.

Let's see if all that time at a fake school taught him enough to play our game.

Chris Perfetti, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Chris, I first of all love the show.

You're so funny.

We have something in common.

We both started out our careers in entertainment as baristas.

Apparently, you were a Starbucks barista, is that right?

I was.

I still feel bad about it to this day, but I sort of used it as a way to get a job elsewhere.

I knew about this kind of like Starbucks loophole that if you got hired, you could be transferred somewhere.

And I knew when I went to drama school, I needed a job.

And so I didn't tell them, but I, you know, applied and got a job in my hometown just so that I would have somewhere to work when I went to school.

Oh, wow.

Okay, so then they just put you at another Starbucks.

Yeah, there's like a few of them, I guess.

I walked by three just to get to this theater, so yes.

And then, okay, so as a Starbucks barista, did you intentionally screw up names on the cup?

I was not trusted with the customers.

They learned very early

to put me at the bar to make the drinks.

I was really good at that.

I could, you know.

But

were you doing

the heart shapes and the palm tree shapes on the foam?

Oh, no.

There was no time.

What are you talking about?

I feel like I worked at quite possibly the busiest Starbucks in the world.

And so you were just lucky if your order came out correct.

So you spent this time at Starbucks,

but you did a you know, you put a lot of time in serious theater.

Is there like a favorite theatrical piece that you did?

I don't know.

I think doing Shakespeare in the Park really kind of like came up first for me.

You're doing a play for

first of all just so so many people.

It's outdoors and sometimes it rains halfway through and you flip and fall on your butt in front of everyone.

Did that happen?

You fell on your butt in front of everyone?

Maybe.

Maybe it happened more than once.

Literally everyone right now is Googling.

So that's...

Now,

let's actually, let's talk about Abbott Elementary.

And there's something about that show, the elephant in the room, which is that you have one major quirk in the show your character is a huge weight wait don't tell me fan

now

that's yeah

huge fan of the show

now I want you to be honest Did you know about WaitWait before you were that character?

Are you kidding, Naguin?

Yes.

No, thank God.

And

you saying that just kind of has renewed my fears about season five.

I'm terrified about, you know, the line between Chris and Jacob is getting very blurry.

And I decided to not share with Quinta any other personal details about my life because, you know, we show up to a table read and there it is.

So

yeah,

I'm so glad that that made it into our show.

So now, so knowing that, like, so when that trait was given to you, did that affect like how you did

that character?

Was it your, were you like, oh no, I got this.

Like, how did what did you change about the character knowing that you could go full weight, weight dork?

Really not much.

I mean, I feel like Quink has given us such permission to, you know, be sort of the authority on these characters.

And

I think it made perfect sense.

And once again, I'm just like, I'm terrified about what's going to show up next season.

Now, actually, so I heard this rumor, and I wonder if it's true.

I heard a rumor that your mom pitches ideas for Abbott Elementary.

Yeah, she totally does.

God bless her.

She's

reminds me that the show is on, and she

likes to, you know, kind of like go through the plot of that week with me when I call on Sundays.

She gives notes.

That's always a joy yeah yeah she thinks

I'm sure did she also do that with Shakespeare in the park

my mother has given notes on everything I have done since the death

so you you play this iconic teacher on TV have your own like teachers from the past approach you with tips or feedback?

Oh no,

I think if they ever saw me in person again, they would probably

physically harm me.

I've made very clear of them and probably they of me.

I made their lives a living hell.

But

were you like not a good student?

Were you trying to make your own?

No,

no, I really enjoyed school, but school did not enjoy me.

All right, Chris.

Well, we've asked you here to play a game we're calling.

Abbott Elementary, meet the elementary abbots.

So, Ustar in Abbott Elementary.

Don't be scared.

Don't be scared.

It's going to be okay.

I wasn't good at school, Nadine.

Okay, so you star in Abbott Elementary.

So we thought we'd ask you three questions about another kind of Abbott.

That's right, we're talking about monks.

Answer two out of three questions correctly and you'll win a prize for one lucky listener, the voice of anyone they choose for their voicemail.

Bill, who is Chris Perfetti playing for?

Jake Evans of Los Angeles, California.

Jacob, let's go!

Okay, here's your first question.

A group of monks in the French Alps have taken a vow of silence, but they are allowed to speak in certain conditions, including which of these?

Is it A when singing along to their favorite bad bunny song?

Is it B when they really need to talk about a cool leaf they saw?

Or is it C when calling the monastery cats to dinner by making kitty calling noises?

Wow, I really didn't think I needed to hear any more options after A, but I'm glad I did.

I'm going to go with C, I think.

Very good.

That's right.

Every abbey makes an exception to their vow of silence as long as the monks are being adorable.

Okay, here's your next question.

Monks are known for living lives of peaceful contemplation, which is why one monk in Japan got in trouble when he started doing what?

Was it A, halfway through meditation time, he loudly said, boring.

Is it B angrily responding to every negative Yelp review about his monastery?

Or is it C trying to jazz up the chants by doing some sick harmonies?

I feel like I want to go with B.

That is right!

Yes!

When one reviewer complained about the food at the abbey, the monk responded, and this is true.

Yeah, it's monastic cuisine, you uneducated.

2025 will do that to a monk.

All right, here is your last question.

Though, it surprises a lot of people.

Monks have unknowingly made a huge impact on pop culture, as proven by which of these?

Is it A, Law and Order's dun-dun sound is partly a recording of 500 monks stomping on a wood floor?

Is it B, the members of the the band One Direction first met during a school trip to a monastery?

Or C, the reason Vin Diesel shaves his head is because a monk came to him in a dream and told him he'd look cool bald.

God bless you.

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

I'm gonna open.

Those are so funny.

I'm gonna go with

A.

That's right.

The dun-dun also includes the sound of a hammer hitting an anvil.

And if you listen closely, the scream of a man who just hit his thumb with a hammer.

Bill, how did Chris Perfetti do?

The teacher is always right, and this teacher got every single one correct.

Yeah!

Mama's gonna be proud.

Congratulations, Crows.

You're a big winner.

And Chris Perfetti is one of the stars of Abbott Elementary.

All four seasons are streaming now.

Chris Perfetti, thank you so much for joining us on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

Thank you, Chris.

Love you.

Thank you so much, Chris.

In just a minute, Bill tells you you have to save money on your next hot date in our Listener Limerick Challenge.

Call 1-888-WAIT WAIT to join us on air.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

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From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis.

We're playing this week with Joyelle, Nicole Johnson, Luke Burbank, and Alonzo Bowden.

And here again again is your host at the Cindy Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Nagen, Parside.

Thanks, Bill.

In just a minute, it's the Listener Limerick Challenge, if you dare.

If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924.

But now, panel, I have more questions from this week's news.

Luke, self-driving cars will revolutionize the roads in all kinds of ways.

And according to the Wall Street Journal, it'll especially change the time-honor tradition of big family what?

Big family

road trips.

That's right!

Big family road trips!

What else could have been the answer?

Big family makeout sessions.

Only one word ends that sentence.

So, but that's right.

With self-driving cars, family road trips will never be the same.

Automakers are designing features like lie-flat flat seats for naps and full screens to watch movies and shows on the road.

Sorry Yellowstone National Park, I can't look at you right now.

I'm finishing season three of Yellowstone.

I'm the oldest of seven kids and we

didn't have a lot of money so when we actually went on a trip it was always a road trip in an old Ford van.

Probably not one seat belt in the whole thing.

My dad would take out the back seats and put in a futon pad.

There'd be like six kids just laid out reading Archie magazines as this thing bombed through the Pacific Northwest.

And those, listening to Christian music on the tape deck.

And let me tell you, those were some great memories.

Oh, yeah.

It'd be sad that people will not have that in their family life anymore.

Well, honestly, I think you're right.

I feel like it ruins everything magical about family road trip, right?

Because where's the excitement of running out of gas on the highway?

Because your dad was sure the next exit had it cheaper.

Or if your parents aren't driving, how are you supposed to learn, uh, mom has some anger issues?

And if you're facing each other, that just increases the risk of getting barfed on.

It eliminates the age-old threat of dad driving and saying, don't let me come back there.

And the kids knew dad couldn't come back there

driving.

Well, guess what?

In a self-driving car, he's coming back there.

All we had to do was figure out how to bob and weave away from an arm that was going backwards.

That was as dangerous as it got.

All right, Joyelle.

That's me.

It's wedding season.

And according to an etiquette coach, if you need to leave the wedding early, the best way to do it is to approach the happy couple and say, what exact words?

My

baby has diarrhea.

And you're talking about your husband.

No, no, this etiquette coach suggests, and this is true, you approach the happy couple and say these words.

I must depart early.

Please do not be concerned.

I will be in touch later.

Is it a Star Wars-themed wedding?

It's basically an excuse that says, I care enough to say goodbye, and apparently I have a gun to my head.

I would prefer an Irish goodbye.

100%.

I don't think anyone, having been married multiple times, not to brag,

you got alimony.

When you're in the eye of the storm, aka, you're one of the people getting married.

I don't think you are tracking when people are coming or going.

Yeah.

I don't think anybody needs to take time out of their life to come up and do an AI audios to you.

You are distracted.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's kind of like when you have a comedy show and people tell you, oh, I can't make it.

You're like, I don't care.

The other thing that works really good is, I must depart early.

I have just discovered it's a cash bar.

Yes.

Which it's more honesty to that one.

Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank.

But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme.

If you want to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924.

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We'll be in Salt Lake City on July 31st and at Tanglewood in Western Massachusetts on August 28th.

For tickets and more information to all our live shows, go to nprpresents.org.

And you can now find us on TikTok at WaitWait NPR.

That's TikTok with no C's, you dweebs.

Hi, you're on Wait.

Wait, don't tell me.

Hi, so nice to be here.

I'm Tracy Farrick.

I live in Alexander, Virginia, right outside of DC.

Tracy, what do you do?

I am a high school English teacher.

Nice.

Nice.

Tracy,

how do you navigate knowing if a student use ChatGPT these days?

Yeah, that's a great question.

I have them handwrite at the beginning of the year, and so I kind of know their writing style.

And when a student who hardly ever shows up turns in this work of masterpiece, you kind of just know.

And when I type into ChatGPT the exact prompt and get the exact same thing,

then you know.

They're too lazy to even change it up a bit.

You're like the FBI.

You're getting like a handwriting sample.

I know, I can be hired by the CIA tomorrow.

I'm ready.

It's crazy.

All right, Tracy.

Well, Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each.

If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you're a winner.

Here's your first limerick.

No tasting room parties are hotter.

And when done, we don't teeter or totter.

The bouquet and the nose say it came from a hose.

We are tasting assortments of

totter, and it comes from a hose.

How about water?

Oh, that's right.

And hose water is a whole container of water.

Oh, yes, it is.

So, fine wines are making way for fine water.

More and more fancy diners are embracing boutique water brands and looking to so-called water sommaliers for advice.

You'll really love the balance between hydrogen and oxygen in this one.

The idea is that water from different areas has different minerals and a different taste, and I totally agree.

I mean, nothing says Newark Airport like a sip from a plastic bottle of Aquafina.

Yes.

We call that a reverse Jesus.

When you turn wine into water, it is way less fun.

And speaking of New Jersey, I'm from New Jersey, and Trotter does not rhyme with water.

All right, Tracy, here's your next limerick.

With my new friend, self-pity decreased.

With this water and flour, we feast.

Like me, he's a pungi,

because he is a fungi.

My new friends, a culture of

yeast.

Yes, indeed.

Did you nail it or what?

So because dogs and cats are expensive and time-consuming, youngsters in China have adopted pet yeast.

They keep the yeast in a little jar after raising, which you could do by feeding dry yeast with flour, water, and sugar, or by wearing tight jeans for too long.

Ew.

So, one of the two psychologists interviewed for the article explained that pet yeast can give its owner security because it doesn't get sick, make trouble, or need attention.

It also doesn't, and this is true, do anything else.

Here's your last liver.

This is frugal.

It isn't a new con.

I get discounts, so put one more scoop on.

Since I am cash strapped, I browse flyers and apps.

And on dates, I will pay with a...

Oh, I watched Extreme Couponing.

I got this.

Coupon.

While it used to be considered tacky, more than half of Americans now consider it okay to use a coupon on a first date.

It's a good sign that your date is financially conscious.

But it does ruin the vibe when they're like, you can't get shrimp, that's not part of the deal.

I wonder what world this is.

Yeah,

I don't eat at places that would take coupons.

Oh, coupons.

I feel like a lot of that stuff is on your phone now, so you might be able to be slick about the coupon, right?

Like in the olden days, it's a physical thing, but now I feel like it's probably an app.

Like, oh, are you going to pay with the app and maybe you could kind of like sneak it in or use your points or something?

I think you could get away with it now more than you could in the olden days.

I honestly wouldn't be mad if a dude was like, we're getting 20% off because I'm like, okay, I will get the lobster.

All right, Bill, how did Tracy do?

Her classes are going to go crazy.

She got them all right.

Perfect score.

All right.

Thanks so much for joining us, Tracy.

Thank you so much.

Support for this podcast and the following message come from Sierra Nevada Brewing Company.

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You'll taste a trailblazing spirit.

You'll taste pure ingredients, sustainable brewing, and a commitment to community.

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Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank.

Each player will have 60 seconds to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can.

Each correct answer is worth two points.

Bill, can you give us the scores?

Luke and Joelle each have two, but Alonso has three.

Pressure.

Pressure.

All right, so I'm going to arbitrarily choose Luke to go first.

The clock will start when I begin your first question.

All right, Luke, fill in the blank.

On Wednesday, protests continued across the country against the administration's blank policies.

Immigration, ICE.

Right.

On Monday, a court ruled that Trump's blanks could remain in place as legal challenges proceeded.

Teeth?

No tariffs.

On Thursday, California Senator Alex Padilla was forcibly removed from a press conference held by Homeland Security Chief Blank.

Christy Noam.

Right.

Best known as the primary songwriter for the Beach Boys, musician Blank passed away at the age of 82.

Brian Wilson.

Right.

This week, a man in Kentucky was arrested after he responded to being kicked out of a store by Blanking.

Trying to climb back in through the air conditioner.

No.

By coming back and releasing a wild raccoon into the store.

Nice.

Through the air conditioner.

Half a point.

On Wednesday, a jury once again found disgraced movie producer Blank guilty of assault.

Harvey Weinstein.

Right.

With Father's Day approaching, Wired recently recommended a $50 robotic dog that can dance, swim, and blank on command.

Uh, rub its own nose in the carpet.

No, P.

The

robotic dog, which is for sale on Timu, is listed as, quote, upgraded stunt robot dog with 18 modes, including kung fu, dance, swim, and urinate.

It's the perfect thing to buy for your dad because it wouldn't be Father's Day without without a gift that says, I've known you for 40 years and still have zero idea what your interests are.

Bill, how did Luke do?

He's going for the big one.

Four right, eight more points, total to ten.

He's in the league.

For now.

All right.

Joyelle, you're up next.

Joyelle, fill in the blank.

Following their feud last week, Blank took to Twitter to apologize to President Trump.

Ugh, Elon Musk.

Right.

After her aid ship bound for Gaza was raided environmentalist, Blank was deported from Israel.

Greta?

That's right, Greta Thunberg.

This week, RFK Jr.

fired every member of the White House advisory panel on blanks.

Vaccinations.

Right.

On Thursday, Israel launched an aerial strike against targets in blank.

Iran?

Right.

This week, Senator Rand Paul made a statement against the Trump administration complaining that he had been blanked.

Punch in the face on his lawn.

Close.

Disinvited from the White House picnic.

Oh, same.

After whining about it, Blank was re-invited to the White House picnic.

Rand Paul.

Right.

According to a new study, people using TikTok skincare routines to help their skin problems are finding their skin problems are caused by blanking.

Injecting sperm into their skin cells.

The TikTok is actually causing their skin problems, the skincare routines themselves.

A new study from Northwestern University found that many skin disorders are directly linked to the TikTok skincare routines that are supposed to prevent them.

But that makes no sense.

How could plastering my face with eight mysterious substances, each with a different kind of acid in them, possibly irritate my skin?

Bill, how did Joyelle do?

Well, that technicality got her in the lead.

Five right, ten more points.

There you go to live twelve.

Riding the high.

Bill, how many does Alonzo need to win?

A mere five.

All right, Alonzo, this is for the game.

Fill in the blank.

On Monday, Russia launched over 300 drone strikes against blank.

Ukraine.

Right.

On Thursday, a new study found that increased blank time is linked to low self-esteem in kids.

Playtime?

Increased screen time.

This week, a town in Pennsylvania launched a new initiative to fix potholes called blank.

Fixing potholes.

It's called Fix My Hole.

Oh my God.

On Tuesday, paleontologists announced the discovery of a new dinosaur related to the blank.

Hole fixer.

T-Rex.

This week, programmers of a new video game revealed that whenever your character crouches, there's a one in 100 chance he'll blank.

When your character character crouches as one in a hundred chance he'll get up,

then he'll let out a little fart.

It's being hailed as a groundbreaking moment for video game realism and is designed to make the game more difficult.

See, you're crouching to hide from your enemies, but if you fart, they can find you.

Bill, Bill, did Alonzo do well enough to win?

Well,

he got one right for two more points, a total to five, and that means Joyelle is this week twitter.

Yeah.

All right.

In just a minute, our panelists predict after Trump's military parade what will be the next surprising parade in the news.

But first, let me tell you that Wayway Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions.

Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord.

Philip Godeka writes our limericks.

Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman.

Our tour manager is Shane O'Donnell.

Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theater.

BJ Lederman composed our theme.

Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornboss, and Lillian King.

Special thanks to Blythe Robertson and Monica Hickey.

Peter Gwynn is our hall pass.

Emma Choi is our vibe curator.

Technical direction, Lorna White.

Our CFO is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse.

Our senior producer is Ian Chillag.

The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth.

Now, panel, what'll be the next surprising parade?

Alonzo Bowden.

The perp walk.

Luke Burbank.

The Parade Magazine parade with Grand Marshal Marilyn Vossavant, world smartest person.

Yes.

Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

The America.

We had a good run, parade.

Funny that happens.

We're going to ask you about it.

Where?

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Thank you, Bill Curtis.

Thanks also to Joyelle, Nicole Johnson, Alonzo Bode, and Moo Fernbank.

Thanks to all of you for listening.

I'm Naguin Varasad, and we'll see you next week.

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