WDWDY #35: Everything Is Showbiz

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Rules and restrictions apply.

Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's What Did You Do Yesterday, Midweek Mayhem.

Max.

Just doesn't feel right, David.

I have an issue whereby, because I'm still in Edinburgh living in a share house.

You have to talk like a snooker commentator.

Through this very thick Georgian wall is Celia A.B.

And apparently, if I'm too enthusiastic, during this podcast, it infiltrates her dreams.

Oh, wow.

she was saying she incorporates elements of whatever we're talking about into her final fitful dreams so now question you can whisper for the whole podcast i think that's fine yeah because it will be people thinking like you are on the green and justin rose has this 15-foot putt for birdie will it go in but you can then as the putt is when say it wakes up you can then talk and go and then it is in the hole have you because i think most listeners are very keen to know the latest on her key fob situation, how much discussion has been about key fobs with Celia?

Don't say none because no one will believe you.

Incredibly, I've lived with her for two weeks and she has not mentioned key fobs once.

There's been zero key chat.

I'm sorry.

What a full life she must live if that is not.

Because the first time I ever see her.

The first time I ever meet Celia B, I will do 20 minutes on key fobs.

See how it's going.

She's like, oh, I thought that was just a thing for a thing.

No, no, no, no, no.

She did tell me a funny thing.

We're still at the Edinburgh Fringe.

She may have seen the ultimate Edinburgh Fringe show last night.

Okay.

I mean, just get this, especially as a French person coming to the fringe.

She's been here before.

She knows what to expect.

There's a show called How Much Toast,

where...

Two people are on stage and calculate using probability and mathematics who in the audience has eaten the most toast in their lifetime.

I mean, that's brilliant.

That's a show, isn't it?

Well, I did have an idea that I approached Dave Gorman with after a celebrity six-aside football tournament.

So he was a bit tired.

It's called life statistics.

And I guess this is not dissimilar, where I was saying it'd be really useful that you could do an experiment over a month.

to do all your life statistics like how many peas you've eaten sort of weight of beef you've consumed number of steps you walk just everything and then you extrapolate it over time so how much toast you eat would be interesting to do all of that but obviously there are

every time you wake up in the night but then you'd need somebody in your room watching you yeah in the night that might affect your sleep yeah because there's like norris mcwerter with a ticker

in your room yeah anyway dave said he was quite busy on other projects at work but like he said it in a

He said it in a polite way.

You would just be kicking him for the previous hour and a half.

And maybe he was thinking, maybe I don't want to work with this.

I'd be saying, he doesn't fucking want it all day, all day.

I've been saying to him, it's your shit.

You're shit, Gorman.

Interestingly, I almost got to that very famous Tuesday comedians football game.

When I say almost, I didn't because A, it wasn't on because there are too many comedians at Edinburgh.

And B, I'm doing too many podcasts and not enough parenting as we established on the last week, Mayhem.

So I didn't run it back.

Can I go two hours south to play football for two hours, Jamie?

you know it was mentioned with uh alumnus ellis james and also the fact that you're is it your knee or your hip which ones make a sound like a haunted door like the portcullis in a haunted castle

every time i turn could you could you could what i did like there david is your haunted portcullis is actually a forebearer the middle ages version of bajoying it actually i can see where it came from now we are recording before the merry beard episode goes out, but this will go out after the Mary Beard episode.

So there's we don't have any feedback from that episode, but I do have some feedback because I did WhatsApp my parents to see if you know they had mutual friends.

Do you know what my parents thought?

My parents thought I was trying to book her for the podcast through them.

Oh, wow.

They were like, I was like, could you get me Mary Beard?

They were like, no.

But it turns out my mum, one of her oldest friends, Penny Wilson, knows Mary Beard very well.

They used to share babysitters.

and

if more was needed to my you know from the streets credence the first violinist in my mum's string quartet is at the same college as mary beard so they probably know each other but the first violinist is very private person so mum said i'm gonna have to ask if you can use her i said i don't need i don't need this is enough information it would

be funny if your parents took over the booking of guests for this show

the whole thing would take a lot of of people interested in very mild hiking and things like that.

It would skew it for a bit, I think.

But we've had so many lovely emails about the John Robbins episode.

Amy says, just a note, say, thank you for this glorious episode.

I listened merrily to them all through the turds, Brighton breakfasts, humbaths and other shenanigans.

I've even shamelessly stolen your format to write, yes, write letters to a couple of pen pals.

But last night I listened to John's episode and this morning I listened again.

Wow, that's good commitment because it was a long old let.

What a beautiful day to share.

Thank you to him and you guys for wallowing in so many moments and sharing them with the rest of us.

I also love that Mary Oliver poem and get irrationally annoyed with its rebranding as a bumper sticker slogan without context and welcome the reminder to engage in my moments and cut myself some slack and embrace the things that bring me comfort, however lame they may appear to others.

I'm waffling on.

This isn't a very eloquent rambling, just a heartfelt thank you.

They are just normal cheeses, Amy.

Just small note that that's brought up.

I was really interested in John's passionate defense of mindlessly looking at your phone.

Oh, yeah.

Because that has been one of the topics that has come up time and time again in the year that we've been doing this, to have someone just put the brakes on that and be like, no, it actually can be a really enjoyable, wonderful thing, you know, socializing with people and sending stupid memes and all the rest.

Yeah.

And I definitely have that when I'm in Australia.

Obviously, I'm miles away from most of my friends.

I obviously, we have established through this podcast quite how shallow I am,

how lacking in depth.

Not shallow, that's not fair, but just how what you see is what you get.

And I was thinking, could I ever say, there's a poem, right?

And then say a poem without people going, come on, Max.

I was talking to Jamie about this.

I could never go, there is a great poem.

And people were like, yeah.

All right, mate.

Your poem would be like, oh, I know a poem about this.

Lefty, Lucy, righty, tighty.

And it's just, hey, Max, is this how to open jam jars?

Yes.

A poem is about jam jars.

Alice on Spotify says, hilarious to see that the AI that labels the sections of this podcast has decided that BOC must be bath of custard.

If only.

If only.

I mean, I suppose in consistency terms, but even still.

I went to a gig the other night

and a fella came up to me.

And let me just say this: if you

had imagined what the guy who wrote us the email about how when factoring in the filling of the BOC, that you have to take in evaporation into it.

A man who's dealing with secondary integers or whatever you call that thing in mathematics, That was this guy.

And he came up to me and he said, Yeah, I was the guy who wrote that email.

I'm not saying I would have gone up to him and just said, Excuse me, did you, did you once write an email to him?

But it was the guy.

I've met him.

He had all the hallmarks.

Oh, well done.

That's great.

Danny, on Top Loader, I was shouting Achilles' heel at my phone, says Danny.

Anonymous, Top Loader have 6.2 million monthly listens.

Think they're doing all right.

Thanks to Max.

So thanks to you.

Think how well they are doing.

Lululemon are doing just we're not in this for business that's the point david isn't it interesting little wrinkle in lululemon helicopter admitted to me recently for a long time just due to the first way she'd read us she thought it was called lou lulemon oh lululamond

you would know a great one that toured to france in 1979

is related to Greg, obviously.

Greg Lamond and Lou Lulemon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good stuff, Max.

That's good cycling knowledge.

Thanks so much.

Interestingly, and this is honesty, but it's not great for our Lululemon sponsorship is Jamie bought some Lululemon underpants, doesn't like them.

What's her beef with them?

I don't know if they wedgie a bit.

Yeah.

I'd have to check.

I'll check.

What podcast is this?

I will check why my wife doesn't like the underpants she's wearing.

Okay.

Hey, Steve says, I found Juan Patino.

If you remember Juan Juan Patino, I stayed in his flat in New York many years ago, and you have to say I'm friends with Juan Patino.

And he had platinum discs of Lisa Loeb's back catalogue on the wall.

It took me all of 10 seconds, says Steve.

Lisa Loeb tagged him in a photo.

They're still friends.

That's lovely.

He now does photography and headshots.

If we want some headshots,

imagine the spike in his website because of this podcast.

You just go to JuanPatinophotography.com.

It's an interesting thought, isn't it?

If, like, now that's what I call music, were to release a hits of this podcast?

Oh, yeah, you know,

that's what we should have playing at the live show.

Yes, that's a great idea.

Lisa Loeb, stay I miss you.

Yeah, obviously, top loader, obviously, cigaros, medieval version of top loader,

the Baja Men's version of Top Loader, the original King Crimson, but not King Crimson version of Top Loader

to the listeners.

What other songs would be on that ultimate playlist that we will definitely then play before the live show in London in September?

Ben in New York writes, hi, Max, DOD and Miles, but this is on the subject of what did you do yesterday being the center of the known universe.

More proof, if it were needed.

Long time listener, first time emailer.

Been faithfully tuned in since episode one, having followed Max from his football pods and banal radio quiz wizardry.

While I've always enjoyed the show, I remain healthily skeptical of the oft-repeated claim that what did you do yesterday is the center of the universe.

I mean, come on, it's a podcast, not a large Hadron Collider, or so I thought.

Unbeknownst to me, your influence was already creeping in.

I began ordering coffee with the complexity of a neurotic barista, slipped into Lululemon underwear like a suburban dad rebrand, and started playing quartile daily as if it was a moral obligation.

The signs were there.

But the true revelation hit me on a recent three-day holiday to Bermuda with my wife.

Picture the scene on poolside, cocktail in hand, basking in the sun, when I discover the Charlie Baker episode has landed in my podcast app.

A moment of pure, possibly inappropriate joy.

Charlie and Max's radio show is my absolute favorite.

I've always found Charlie such an uplifting and funny guy.

He is.

I ordered another mojito, settled in to listen with my AirPods, and began my daily ritual suite of quizzes, wordle, connections, mini crossword, and of course, quadle, my favourite souvenir from the pod.

The first three words fall like dominoes, but then I hit a brick wall, R-A-N-I, and a blank.

Only the I was in the correct spot.

brain freeze, mojito freeze, total panic.

Just then, Charlie and David began chatting about buying wide-fitting orthopedic shoes for their elderly fathers.

And at this point, the three potters were clearly starting to wonder how the hell they got here.

And then, as if two clouds parted to reveal the sun in the Bermuda sky, Max drops the line, shoes for the 80-year-olds.

Is this the nadir?

I spat my mojito all over myself.

My wife was unimpressed.

Fellow hotel guests stared as if I'd thrown one of DOD's bikes in the pool, but did I care, not even slightly.

In that moment, the missing word I needed was clear.

Nadir.

See screenshot for dramatic evidence.

More importantly, the veil was lifted.

What did you do yesterday?

It's undeniably the center of the universe.

Thank you, Ben.

Wow.

Can you expand on this with your 2-2 degree in mathematics?

2-1.

2-1 in modern history, please.

Your 2-2 degree in crappy non-Merry Beard history, as we found out during the Merry Beard episode.

Although she did posthumously upgrade both of our degrees, which she alone has the power to do.

She does.

Yeah, yeah, she does.

Do you know, isn't there some crazy coincidence about the name of all of the beach landings on D-Day were in the Times crossword in the couple of weeks before the D-Day landings?

And one of the theories is that the person who wrote the crosswords lived on the south coast of England and may just have heard it in the ether.

Do you know anything about this?

I have a guess.

It does sound like, you know, you see an Instagram post that's like, one of Columbus's ships has been found in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

And there's 4,000 comments and everyone's just like, oh, fuck off.

This is an old tree.

You know what I mean?

This is obviously bullshit.

If you listen backwards to Get Here by Alita Adams, you get nuclear fission.

Like, yeah.

Douglas in Colorado.

Dear David and Max, never have I emailed to any podcast before, but post-Ross Noblet, I feel Max needs his own actions to be reflected in a mirror.

To hear Ross slowly discussing the several hours of effort required to not remove a cranberry stain from a bench in near real time while the life slowly drained from Max and David was a tonic to my ears.

Each week on mid-week may end, Max comes up with new and absurd ideas of how to spin a pointless segment out for far longer than is needed.

His new idea to have David guess which comedian and footballer he once interacted with while providing providing no information is the absolute peak of insensibility quick mathematics on the approximately 500 current premier league players and perhaps 200 current mainstream comedians in the uk shows there are a hundred thousand possible combinations of footballer and comedian not to mention the decades of retard

at a single guest per week this is easily enough to take the show into its second millennia while max feels the need to create features that may last longer than such famous institutions as the roman empire is something that should be frankly discussed in therapy.

Is it a crippling fear of fading into irrelevance?

Does he worry about becoming the Ozzymandius of Waffle podcasts, a fading image of glory, crumbling into the sands of an endless desert of time, lost and forgotten?

Does he believe that somehow a listener in the distant future aboard a spaceship heading to the moons of Saturn is going to think, gosh, I wonder if AI David O'Doggie is finally going to get this

right?

I can't wait.

As Ross reached and then plowed straight through midnight with the despair beginning to appear in Max's voice.

I could only think that maybe this taste of his own medicine, the true peak of enforced banality, would encourage him to examine these deep reaches of his personality.

I wish him luck on his journey and praise David for sticking by him in this difficult time.

I love the pod.

I'll be listening in 2,000 years when David finally gets that absurd quiz right.

Everything is showing is Douglas in Colorado.

What the listeners, I know it's mentioned in passing, but the true greatest comic moment we've had you know if comedy is really about

tragedy

on some level you know how you look at laurel and hardy and what you actually want is for like how someone as pure as stan existing in this world oh please ollie protect him then

the top moments in the history of this podcast have been when, because I look at you on this little Zoom

and just two hands appear from what is your stage left and a baby is placed on your lap.

Life goes on as Ross continues to try and remove the cranberry stain from the bench.

There's a baby shitting on you.

And that's what I've enjoyed the most.

Tommy Newcastle finally before they're just normal countries.

Dear David and Max, just a quick email to say that there is another What Did You Do Yesterday baby.

Myself and my partner Beth, both avid listeners, had our first child, a daughter named Jeannie, on the 22nd of July.

Throughout Beth's pregnancy, she's been able to eat some of her favourite foods, including seafood and smelly cheeses.

For her birthday last week, I went up to the local fancy cheese shop and purchased her five cheeses, approximately lining up with the normal cheeses from David's family Christmas cheese board.

Blue cheese, manchego, goat, Comta, smelly French cheese.

Keep up the good podcasting.

They're just normal cheeses.

Best wishes Tom.

And many congratulations.

Congratulations.

The many what did you do yesterday babies?

Their children's, children's, children's, children will be there when David guesses which comedian and footballer were in Teddington on different days in different scenarios about a month ago.

We both strongly advise popping an episode of What Did You Do Yesterday on your sex mix if you're trying to conceive and you need approximately one and a half hours to fill on the mix after you've played Marvin Gaye, etc.

Just why not drop in the Ross Noble episode?

Please, if it is called Sex Mix on your spotcast,

do let us know.

Hey, they're just normal countries.

Should we play?

Yes.

Here's the jingle.

I am the one and only.

What country could I be?

I am the one and only.

Where in the world could our listeners be?

first some feedback.

Reese.

Hello, Max.

I'm David and Marsby.

I just wanted to share the fact I'm 95% certain that I am the lone listener in San Marino.

I visited Italy a few months ago, spent about 24 hours in San Marino, wonderful place.

On the bus up the mountain from Rimini, I listened to various podcasts, including, I'm pretty certain, What Did You Do Yesterday?

The stunning views of the Monte Titano are no doubt complimented by Pierre Novelli discussing the quality of his hotel breakfast.

I had been wondering if San Marino was a correct answer because of this.

It turns out it is.

Knowing I've made a contribution to the What Did You Do Yesterday canon fills me with the kind of ambivalence that only this podcast can inspire.

Thanks, Reese.

Anyway, David, as you'll remember, Eric in Cork got it right.

Yeah.

But I refused for us to get in touch with him.

Oh, my God.

And we're recording just 24 hours after the last episode dropped.

Did Eric reply?

The countries remember.

Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, North Marianas Islands, Bhutan, Brunei, Nepal, Eswatini, US Virgin Islands, Equatorial Guinea.

No, San Marino, correct.

Eric writes, oh,

yes, so pleased.

Although a little bit sad, there wasn't a quest for us to find an Eric in Cork, but quite lucky because he doesn't live in Cork anymore.

He's in Perth, Western Australia.

So

going on local radio stations in the southwest of Ireland, we wouldn't have found him.

Dear David, Max and Marsbar, you wouldn't believe how thrilled I was to hear my guest of San Marino read out on the podcast.

I was grinning from ear to ear when it came out.

Although originally from Cork, I've been living in Perth for the last 14 years.

I'm a huge fan of the show.

I honestly look forward to each Wednesday's release.

It perfectly lines up with my return to the office after working from home Monday and Tuesday.

The podcast is the only thing that gets me through the dreaded morning hustle of getting ready for the day.

The timing of my hearing my successful guest couldn't have been better either.

I just met my mum for lunch.

She's also a big fan of the pod.

We were both beaming while sitting down for a normal espresso and not one of Max's Melbourne-style piccolo top-ups.

Since it's weather stays on, I know I need to send in another guest before tomorrow's recording.

So without further ado, my next pick is Lichtenstein.

Thanks again, lads.

Love what you're doing.

Stay classy.

And as always, everything is showbiz.

Cheers, Eric.

I see the pattern, Eric's got Eric's heading around the principalities of Europe.

It's not a bad tactic.

And actually, before we go to that, we've got a backup Eric from Cork email in.

Thank you, backup, Eric.

Hi, Max and dear dear Mars Bar.

My name is Eric from Cork.

Not the Eric from Cork, but another one.

I thought I might have a pun of their just normal country, just in case the Eric doesn't get in contact.

My guess is Armenia.

I love the pod, everything you show me.

Well, look, as backup Eric in Cork, and every podcast needs one, we will keep that on the back burner just in case the OG Eric from Cork, now in Perth, doesn't get in touch.

Or, you know, we could stick with Eric from Cork.

Only Eric's from Cork can carry on this game.

Anyway,

Mars Bar Lichtenstein

in Liechtenstein.

We need Eric in Perth live to say, but have you had a good day?

Because you're dead to us now.

How many in Liechtenstein, Marsba?

Over 200 in Lichtenstein.

Oh my goodness.

Let's do a live show there.

Forget Hackney Empire.

We're playing the Lichtenstein bowl.

I had a great curveball friend in university who I won't say his name because he's still around and he's still a great curveball,

but he'll know who I'm talking about, which was there was a summer where I ended up in Germany working as a mobile floor cleaner in a sausage factory.

Of course, yeah.

With now Booker Prize nominee Paul Murray.

And our friend had just sort of vanished over the course of the summer.

And this was in the pre-mobile phone era.

So we had no idea where he was.

And we happened to be watching, must have been an...

August Euro qualifier international match.

And it was Ireland against Liechtenstein.

And Ronnie Whieland scored.

And our friend ran on the pitch and hugged Ronnie Whieland.

So it was like, oh, he's in Liechtenstein.

Where's Dave?

I love that.

Hey, David, what time did you wake up yesterday?

Wow.

Great question.

Thanks so much.

9 a.m.

I wake up now.

So I'm still here

doing my little show at the fringe.

I wake up au naturelle because I hadn't gone out the evening before

and I get up.

We have various heroes staying on the couch.

I faff for a minute and then I go in for what I'm really enjoying about living with three or four other people

is

going for coffee in the morning in the sitting room when you're not fully awake.

Wow, this is the preserve of 20-year-olds and you're doing it at 49.

Amazing.

I know it is.

And people who live in berlin in you know commune type situations it's really really nice i've had to rein it in a bit i noticed because it turns out strangers don't love me singing songs about how great i am as much as the helicopter helicopter doesn't enjoy it particularly but it's just part of our morning routine are you still doing that I think I tried it once.

Just a basic, David, you are so cool.

You make great decisions and you're going to have a cool day.

You know, it's hard for people to really understand that.

Is that unfair?

Well, I thought you did them in your sleep.

I do them in the half sleep, in the half morning.

What's worse?

Being asleep and being so cocksure that you're singing, David is legendary.

He's going to have a great day.

Or is it worse that you're awake?

Because I guess there's a self-awareness that you're sort of doing it ironically if you're awake.

I've really enjoyed waking up while sitting in undies in a t-shirt with my friends it's great now we're nearly finished edinburgh ends this weekend but it's nice just to sort of take a holiday back into my student days i guess

i am meeting emma holland for breakfast who is a really funny new australian comedian and i'd seen her show the night before and we have agreed to meet in the fanciest breakfast place.

Oh, what's that one?

It's called the Argyle and it's a place where I always do something wrong there.

You know what I mean?

I'll put my chair at a sidewaysy angle and they'll just be like, sorry, can I just move your chair about?

It's just,

there's a clear avenue that we bring.

You appear to have brought a bath into the Argyle and I'm not sure, sir, if that's a programme.

I have the fanciest possible breakfast, which is a bean cassoulet with poached eggs on it.

Oh, now interesting.

I think that's too much slop.

Yes, but I think it doesn't have any bread element to it, so it doesn't glutenly fill you up.

No, but you need the bread, surely, to scarpetta, the Italian word, but to hoover it all up.

Oh, wow.

You can't have eggs and beans without bread.

What a word.

Scarpetta.

It is a great word, isn't it?

Yeah, I learned that from Jamie.

But that is your bread to soak up the last bits of the ring.

Yes.

And I'll tell you what it does fill me up with, though.

Wind.

Yeah, there's elements of that now.

Amy Gladhill sends me a text.

We're going to see Ian Smith, another comedian.

Harold Bishop, of course.

Does the Northern News podcast.

His show is at 12.30.

So I say I don't think I'm going to make it.

But then I've got my Edinburgh bike.

And Edinburgh, it's so much quicker traveling by bicycle around Edinburgh.

I've enjoyed it so much.

Now, I do notice a problem on my Edinburgh bike.

My Edinburgh bike, I give away on Monday in my last show to the audience member with the best reason why they should have it.

I want this bike to be absolutely pristine when I give it away.

And there's a clickiness in the gears.

Wow.

I can immediately identify as this needs a new chain.

Oh, really?

Will we fix it?

Will we just pass the problem down the generations?

I think as long as you explain the problem or maybe give them a voucher for Mike's bikes, you know, of £40

along with it.

I think that's okay.

It's a problem on a lot of people's bikes.

When you apply more pressure to the pedal, it just gives a little bit.

Oh, I know the one, yes.

I really dislike that.

Spoiler alert, we're going to fix it.

We're going to end up fixing it.

Of course we are, yeah.

We see a really nice show by Ian Smith, and afterwards, me and Gladhill go for more fart-filled food.

Mine haven't started to manifest yet.

You see, she needs to eat, and then out of sympathy, I decide, bizarrely, I decide to get nachos.

Okay.

Nachos at 1.30.

Are you joking me?

Yeah, that's insane.

It's because

she's ordered fajitas, and I want to keep with the Mexican theme.

I presume you're in a Mexican restaurant.

It's tricky not to go something Mexican.

The thing is, we're actually in a sassy diner type restaurant called City Cafe.

One of those our waitresses pinch back type signs that you're not sure should be still on the walls of places.

Okay, I see.

We go full Mexico.

Can I ask about your nachos?

You may.

Because the thing about nachos is

there are like three hero nachos on which everything is resting.

Yeah.

So once those three have gone, then you're just having a plate of corn chips.

Really good.

Yeah.

You could do that.

I could open my next dinner show.

What is it about nachos?

You know, does anyone still have nachos anymore?

Also, the food takes quite a while because the restaurant's quite full.

And the guy comes and is like, the chef is preparing them as we speak.

That's such a coincidence.

And when they arrive, you can clearly see someone has just toothpaste, fake guac, and sour cream on top of some crisps.

Oh, my.

So what I choose to to do is just lift the bonnet of that and I just go straight underneath.

I just want a few cheesy crisps, is all I want.

But they haven't run out of corn chips.

They haven't just gone, I'm sorry, we're about to serve this on Pringles.

That's when you know.

This is not authentic Mexican food.

Now,

I need to fart so badly at this point.

And you can't fart in a restaurant.

We know that.

However, we fart on the bike.

I'm going to the park to fart, basically.

Yeah, it's reached that point.

Can't you go to the bathroom?

You could go to the bathroom.

Yeah, but you don't know what I need to do.

If you can't do it in the toilet, surely you can't do it in the park.

I need to roll around.

Like I need to sit with my legs akimbo and then put a lot of weight on my stomach.

Like, you know, the way you might pop Willie Rushton over your shoulder.

That's effectively what I need.

She needs to be burped.

This is a bit like after they've given you a bath, you now need Richard Osman and Daro Brien and Joe Wilkinson to hoist you up and slap you on the back until all the gas comes out of some end, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, so on the way, I decide while we're in the park giving birth to this fart baby, are you alone doing this?

Have you gone alone?

Absolutely.

I've said goodbye to everyone.

I've put my phone on a little picture of an aeroplane.

My wife, you've gone into silent moments in part of a park

i've put in one of those email auto responses in our office

i'm sorry i'm farting in a park i'll be back checking my emails on monday the 25th of august anything urgent please email the helicopter

i buy a chain on the way and I decide I'll do that as well.

You can actually refit a chain chain if it's one with a quick link with no tools whatsoever.

Now I'm lucky in that I have shovel hands, so that helps.

And immediately when I put the new chain on, it's 15 quid chain.

It's fine, but this bike is now pristine.

And that's nice.

Whoever gets it on Monday, this bike is bomb-proof.

It's an old mountain bike from the 90s that someone's put a few new bits on.

Is it a Dawes tracker or a Marin?

It's a muddy fox.

that's probably

of your brands yeah it's a green muddy fox it is absolutely brilliant now unfortunately i'm enjoying this time in the park it's still tropical edinburgh it's been beautiful the whole time to the point where there's been wildfires on Arthur's seat on the little hill just outside Edinburgh because the everything is so dry.

Like I've tried to play pitch and putt quite a few times and the ground is so hard.

The ball burns as it lands it just inflames it's like trying to land a marble on a marble staircase it's virtually impossible i see yeah yeah i'm enjoying my time in the park so much and i am taking care of business let's just say and i'm fixing the chain and blasting out the

contents of my insides that I forget that I have tickets for Josie Long's show.

Okay.

That is really bad.

But she's going to be doing it in Dublin next month.

So I text her while she's on stage to be like, I had tickets for this.

I'm so sorry.

Could you just not say you went?

Would she know?

It'd be really bad form to do that, Max, because

she may ask me what I thought of a bit, or maybe something weird happened that day.

Right.

You know, maybe someone fainted during the show.

Okay.

You couldn't do a generic, just a tour de force.

You could do it like a Guardian review.

You've done it again.

Still packing a punch.

Josie Long.

Five stars.

But what about that bit where I said that?

Really excellent comedy.

So I go home.

It's about four o'clock now.

And my show is at seven.

I have to sound check at 6.30.

I do enjoy this dead time because there's generally no one in the house

and I don't really know where the time goes because I don't watch anything.

I don't think I look at my phone.

I just have a nice little sit down.

I know this is happening.

I mean, it's just literally just

imagine just an hour I could just sit down and go, I wonder what's going on now.

Just shit about.

I mean, it's fucking insane.

Sort of masochism doing these.

There's a vape beside the toilet.

Oh, okay.

And I do consider having a go on that.

Having a bit of an Emadoran.

I think it's Salia's bathroom vape.

Okay.

It's sitting there on top of the luroll.

And I think about it and I do raise it up.

But it feels like...

Do you know the little box that earpods come in?

It feels like one of those to the touch.

Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.

And it seems too weird a thing to just take a suck off a pair of earpods.

You don't do that.

I affect not to.

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

However, I do.

Oh, God, this is just going to further infuriate you.

My main task is: I need to hustle players for the final game of Edinburgh football, which will be today.

Oh, great.

Which that's a job, you know?

Yeah.

So my chosen method is I generally find a picture on my phone, either a classic moment from the history of football

and superimpose my head onto one of the players.

Got it.

Or I just find a classic picture of me from the past doing a great move on the football pitch.

And this will inspire people to play.

I write text directly over it.

Yes.

The picture that I go for here is Katie McCabe, who's Ireland's best footballer.

Yeah.

Plays for Arsenal on the ladies' team.

So there's a picture of her from the last World Cup, and I don't know how it happens, but she's coming down from the sky and has her boots on an Australian player's tits.

Right.

I don't know how.

Like she's obviously jumped up to challenge for a ball and the other person has stayed down.

So I pop my head over Katie McCabe's head and I write last football of Edinburgh 2025, the meadows 12 noon.

And I've got footballs for the two O's of noon.

Got it.

It's a nice piece of graphic design.

Right.

So this is a game that's happening today then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I powered that off to

we'll get about eight or ten, I would say.

Okay.

But I power it off to maybe 30 different people and almost immediately the sob stories start to come in.

Tom Rosenthal says he's bone on bone.

Yeah.

I have invited him to every game and he responds with that, which I think is a bit mean.

Maybe when a player has retired, you shouldn't keep inviting them yeah

you had say 10 yeses and then tim key said i can play would you make him stand on the side until someone else comes along to even up the numbers no because

like we've been so short of players for some of these mark watson has brought his children okay and rose is great but about 10 years old so

you know we have emergency break glass players we can bring in here I'm with you.

What is funny about this game, it's so bad that occasionally someone just looking for a game of football will appear on the sideline of our game, will look eagerly at it for maybe 20 seconds and then just shake their head and wander off towards the truck.

Too good for this level.

Yeah, yeah.

And we also have a running joke where if anyone, like any older person with a dog, happens to walk by, one of us says that it's a scout from Juventus.

So everyone's

play better.

I enjoy,

I realize this infuriates you.

I really enjoy this nothing two hours.

And you should.

I'm glad you realize the position that you're in.

I enjoy it so much.

I am now late for my gig.

Oh.

There is tight turnarounds for these shows.

I'm supposed to sound check at 6.30 for the gig at 7.

I leave the house at 6:30.

It's four minutes.

You're getting cocky.

You're getting cocky on the bike.

Yes, exactly.

You're phoning it in.

The end.

People got tickets for these ones.

My friends Nathan and Rob coming tonight.

Oh, wow.

They're getting a 70%, David.

No, they're absolutely not.

However, on the cycle there on the bike that now no longer clicks and is perfect in every way,

I remember, oh shit, last night the low battery light started flashing mid-gig.

And, you know, there were questions as to whether we'd make it till the end of the show with my little novelty keyboard.

So I realized not only am I five minutes late, I'm going to have to stop in Sainsbury's and get six D batteries.

The D is a, it's a really satisfying battery.

Let's be real.

It has such a weight.

It's like the pound coin.

Feels so good.

The D is like you've spent so much time with double and triple A, especially when you have kids, young kids, and just to get a D is like

this thing.

Kill a man.

The Sainsbury's is very close to the venue, so I have the awful situation of.

I'm not saying I want people to think I live this gilded life of jacuzzis and helicopters, the life that you think I live, but I also don't want to meet people who are about to see my show as I sprint round Sainsbury's trying to find the battery section.

And yeah, I meet about six people who are like all right and everyone always says either you better be funny or oh you haven't started yet that's another classic

I then sprint to the venue really good sorry if someone said you better be funny if you just turned to them like death and went fuck off

Oh my goodness.

You better be funny is nearly always, in my case, accompanied by the sort of bongo playing mime of playing a little keyboard.

Like I wouldn't say you get that.

If people recognize you from Football Weekly, I doubt they mime speaking into a podcast mic.

No, that is true.

I don't, there's no mime.

There's no, for Default Man 3, there's no accompanying mime as yet.

I sprint to the venue.

The problem is I have to run along the line of

people all queuing to get in.

And because we're now close to like 15 minutes to the start, and I'm pretty sure the wonderful ushers tell the many hundreds of people who are lining up that there's a small technical problem, but the show will be starting in a minute.

It's so obvious because I haven't got a plastic bag.

I'm just holding batteries and

running towards the venue.

So it's clearly my fault.

But because we're so deep into this festival, sometimes it's good to be thrown by something.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It keeps you on edge.

I do a five-second sound check.

We're good to go.

Let's get him in.

We end up going up about three minutes late, but it's absolutely fine.

It's fine.

Good show.

Yeah, pretty good show now.

How many have you done?

20, probably about 26 of them.

26 in and do you at the end of the run rank them best to worst your shows i mean i have taken to opening most shows by saying that this is the one right

in january you target one gig yeah yeah yeah and you put a ring around the third wednesday of the admiral fridge as the one when you're really gonna light it up And then I talk about how I'm going to phone it in for the remaining, you know, make them feel special.

I will say this.

The show is probably 15, 20 minutes different from the start of the month.

Okay.

As in just bits coming in and out the whole time.

And I don't know how much longer I will do this for,

you know, like this sort of quasi-student life.

It's such an intense month that I'd like to keep doing it for another little bit, but I'm not going to feel like doing this in my 60s.

You know what I mean?

I mean, I suppose you have pivoted to podcasting.

So, you know, this is now a hobby for you.

And

the ambition goes, doesn't it?

That's the truth of it.

It is.

It's hard to do boxing training when you have to take off a mink coat to put your shorts on.

Isn't that what the great heavyweights say?

I used to have an American agent called Chloe, and she is at the gig.

And she is, like all American agents in TV shows, she's like a four-foot New Yorker who goes, oh, God, David, we got to hustle you back into the city.

Am I right?

Yeah, that is exactly what she is like.

David, you got to dream big.

This is all small-time bullshit.

I'm seeing you.

Radio City Music Hall.

Carnegie Hall, the Rose Bowl.

That's Vegas.

Super Bowl halftime show, David.

I'm seeing you.

You and and me gonna change the world, David.

She looks like Danny DeVito.

That's what it is.

Yeah, she does.

And we go to a Japanese restaurant around the corner.

I attempt to explain the show how much toast to her,

but it's such a quintessentially Edinburgh fringe show.

I don't think toast is as big in America.

I don't know.

There's a chance that like if you asked an American how much toast they'd had in their lifetime, they could actually put a total on it.

Oh, really?

You know, I've had it three times.

Well, that was that.

August in 1972.

It's the end of the fringe.

So it's the last weekend.

So there's parties.

There's big showbiz parties going on.

Hang on.

What do you eat?

What do you eat at the restaurant?

I have.

Because you've had a big day.

You've eaten a lot today.

Yes, I have.

You don't want dinner to feel left out, so you go big again.

I just have a yakisoba.

I have a chicken yakisoba.

And Chloe, who I'm with, has a salmon Donberry bowl.

Is that what it's?

It seems pretty healthy.

Now, is she looking to re-sign you?

Are you looking for her to sign you back up?

Or you don't want to crack America?

Or are you waiting for this podcast to?

Because we got, you know, a guy in Colorado emailing us.

Like, this is a window.

There was a postman in Kentucky as well.

Yeah, of course.

And there was Roxanne in Denver who delights in our lack of knowledge about the ladies.

And we've now got Juan Petino, the photographer, who's going to, you know.

No, America is

you can spend a lot of your life touring around America.

And American showbiz, they want stars.

And there isn't really space for someone whose aspiration is to play to three to five hundred people, you know, doing a reasonably niche thing with a small battery-powered keyboard that now has very fresh batteries in it.

So, no, she's no longer trying to sign me.

Instead, she comes over here and sees a billion shows.

So we have a good chat about shows that she's seen.

The big comedy awards were announced yesterday, the nominees for best show and best news show.

So we have a chat about that.

Delightfully, Ian Smith, whose show I've seen earlier that day, he's on that list.

But then a bunch of other shows that I have loved over the course of the last month aren't on the list.

So it's one of those things where, I mean, I don't engage with this stuff too much.

I was lucky enough to win that award in 2008.

So you're never eligible for it again.

Oh, so it's not like the Masters.

You don't, you couldn't get like multiple green jackets.

Once you've won, you're done.

Yeah.

You could only win it again if they'd completely forgotten who you were from the first time.

And that would be a really, really bad sign.

And so it's one of those things where, like, I know there will have been people who put too much stock into these awards.

And because,

I don't know, some people operate with goals, which in the arts I think is a stupid idea because the outward validation is fine, but it's more about challenging yourself to do a good show, et cetera, et cetera.

So I know that there are people who are going to be very disappointed, but I don't also want to engage with it enough by then texting them and being like, don't worry, you had a great show because I've already told them that they had a great show.

So I leave that till this morning, to be honest.

I sent a few texts this morning just to people going like, I fucking loved your show.

Like you've made a beautiful thing.

And yeah.

Okay.

So with all these showbiz parties on, I make the incredible decision to go to bed.

Wow.

Now at 10.30.

Yeah.

I need to keep going.

It's the last weekend.

I'm doing double shows on Friday and Saturday night.

And one of the things that I do get from you, Max, especially when you talk about the day bed,

the joy with which.

Or like the simple joy of having a shower where you pull that curtain around yourself and you have a moment just of tropical rainfall.

I aspire to that on some level.

And the closest I get to it is contrarily deciding to go to bed at 10.30 in the last weekend of the Edinburgh fringe.

And

I

put on you gabbing on about football.

with the football boys and girls and I doze off.

I'm gone by about 11 p.m.

Did you notice that my mic didn't work and it was just get an iPhone voice note you got from me?

Did my audio quality sound a bit annoying when you get that message going, your file is corrupted?

You're like, ah,

damn it.

Yes, I did notice that.

But you carried on listening.

I carried on listening.

It was exactly what I needed.

How quickly into that podcast?

Which, I mean, because I'm thinking, which of the sopperific podcasts that I host has the quickest effect, which gets people to sleep the quickest?

Is it football weekly or is it what the DBS does?

Particularly at this time of the season and football, where there's very little jeopardy whatsoever.

So there's nothing to even keep you awake and be like, oh my God.

And then I wake up this morning.

And I know this isn't relevant, but it does refer to the night before,

which is there's a WhatsApp group of everyone in this house.

And I see that Cecilia, Nish, and Amy are all at this fun showbiz party.

And this is tagged at 0044.

So quarter to one.

Oh my God.

Can you imagine?

Cecelia's put up a vote for the three people at the party.

And it says, anyone want to leave now and go and get a kebab?

And all three members of the group have gone yes.

So they didn't stay at the showbiz party too long either.

So I think I made the correct decision.

And well then, that's my day.

Hey, it's a nice day.

It's a nice day.

And actually, the moments where I have sitting around doing nothing, you know,

are actually these.

Don't tell Jamie because he listens.

But these, these right now, I'm just sitting listening to a man I like waffle about what he's done.

These are, as soon as this stops, I'm not trying to drag out the episode because I have to go downstairs and then get back in amongst it.

These are the moments.

So anyway, we must end with the one in 100,000 chance, the 2,000-year quiz of just a reminder.

In Teddington, just over a month ago when I landed in the UK, we're here for just one more month now.

It goes fast.

On maybe the first or the second day, I saw a comedian, quite a well-known comedian, putting up a poster for a show, for his own show.

And then two days later, while sitting in the Lensbury,

a footballer of some repute walked past me with, I think, a sort of, you know, know, a minder or someone from the hotel.

I was like, oh, that's interesting.

Who are they?

Guess for you, guess for Marsball.

That does cut it down to just 1,000 years.

I'm going to go

quintessentially English with this.

So we'll go

Stuart Pierce is the footballer and Glenmore is the comedian.

Incorrect.

I can't give away if you've got one of them, but incorrect.

Milton Jones and David James.

Oh, nice.

Didn't someone guess Milton Jones the other week?

Oh, it could be right.

I mean, it could be right.

I've given it away that it isn't Milton Jones.

Damn it, Max.

You idiot.

And also, Max is going to tell us, Mars Mari, that its winner stays on.

So if one of us does happen to get it right after 2.3 million years, we then have to do his next AI Max's next stupid quiz.

Both incorrect, I have to say.

Anyway, lovely episode.

Everything is show.

But if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, we value your feedback.

So please do.

And this is how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

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And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thanks, David.

Everything is showbiz.

Thanks, the Ericss from Cork.

Thanks, Max.

Thank you.

Hello, Max Rushton.

Here, you might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

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Thank you, goodbye.