WDWDY #31: Lowering The Tone

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit the ups store.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome.

to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Welcome to today's episode of Midweek Mayhem.

My name is Max Rustin.

Alongside me, for the ride, David O'Doherty.

Hi, David.

I've written a new joke.

Okay, here we go.

Probably in my life, I have about five actual proper jokes.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like I remember early doors, like maybe in my teens, what's the best thing about televisions getting married?

The great reception.

Oh, nice.

Who are the most decent people at the hospital?

The ultrasound people?

Etc., etc.

Is that one of yours, the ultrasound one yeah i wrote the ultrasound joke wow that's good yeah i i said it on never mind the buzzcocks in the glory years of never mind the buzzcocks and then it sort of entered mainstream after that i think keith chegwin once claimed he used to have a twitter account where he claimed to have just written jokes my money's on cheggers and you can't knock a comedy writer like that He's like, you know, Mel Brooks.

You think of the great, the Marx brothers, Keith Cheggwin.

Okay, here we go.

Hang on, just interruption.

You know my reaction.

If I think it's great, I will just say that's very good.

No, no, no.

If anything, I invite you to workshop the end of this because it's not as Christmas crackery as the other ones.

And I think it's still good gear.

Yeah, okay.

It would have been a very different movie if Ratatouille had been called Ratatalengi.

What?

More ingredients.

Oh, we need three hours for this Bulgar wheat to go soft.

Thank you.

That's my new joke.

Actually, you know what?

That's the best reaction I've ever got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's genuine.

I don't lie about these things.

Hey, do you want some feedback, David?

What?

You've just given me feedback.

Feedback for this excellent podcast that we did.

Just for the tape, I will say there are a couple of tone lowerers that I didn't want to open with.

Let's stay away from the gutter until...

But, you know, if it was like the editorial news agenda for impact, I would start with the tone lowerer.

So I'm just saying, stay with us.

When you say tone lowerer, I presume it's into the gutter specifically the gutter that the poo goes down well no yes but someone has also done some heavy science to answer a question that you once posed

i have a fair idea what that question but look so let's hold that thought for a second simon says this is lovely hello max david and producer mars bar my son joe eight and i 47 often listen to the podcast together while playing fc25 What is that?

Is that FIFA or something?

It must be a computer again.

Yeah, it must be anyway.

And during the introduction, we will mime what each of you is saying.

He's Max, and I'm David.

All right, you know, the sort of plinky-plunky piano podcast.

There are too many of them, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

While in Tesco this morning, still half asleep and picking up something revolting in a microwavable packet for my lunch, I started episode 29 of Midweek Mayhem.

As I scanned the shelves for something vaguely edible, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the security guard looking at me quizzically.

As I turned to look at him full in the face, I absentmindedly mouthed, and I'm David O'Doherty, at him along with David.

He looked very confused, maybe even concerned, and I immediately span around and headed for the tills with my sachet of rigatoni bolognese.

Keep up the good work.

I look forward to seeing you live and in person.

Do you think the show will be suitable for an eight-year-old?

Joe is a massive fan of the podcast, even though I hope several of the things you discuss, brackets,

B-O-C, etc., are still several feet above his head.

Maybe I could disguise him as an old man.

Everything is showbiz.

What do you think?

An eight-year-old for the show?

I mean, we haven't really planned it.

But God, I sort of lose touch with the correct, you know, I do work for kids.

And so I've always made a

separation in grown-up stuff.

So I've no idea.

I mean, we do.

You have a blue routine.

It's like you're saying, David, you do hammer.

If needs be, you can always do a blue routine.

Did I tell you about the time Alex Horne said, can I bring my kids to your Edinburgh show?

And I had a little thinking.

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure there's nothing in it that would surprise them.

And then midway through the routine about finding a flashlight washed up in a beach, I remember thinking to myself, maybe not, actually.

You just tell them to leave mid-show.

Becky says, Dear Max and David, with regards to Guy Montgomery's suggestion of boiling eggs in the kettle, I can confirm it works.

My boyfriend used to do it, but without my knowledge, until I asked him why the kettle had a feather in it one day.

however this was nothing compared to what came next one day I was making an innocent cup of tea and when I went to drink it it had a rancid greasy taste when I tackled him about it it turned out he'd been boiling frankfurters in the kettle and hadn't cleaned it up

yeah I remember once because my dad stuff like that just wouldn't cross his mind I remember once like wanting some vegetable soup there being a pot of homemade vegetable soup and dipping the ladle in and just coming out with like some giant frankfurters and dad just being like, Well, they cook perfectly well in there.

And it's like, dad, it's the principle of the thing.

She says, Becky says, the sausages come out cooked, but sausage tea is the worst surprise you can have in a mug.

Now he has a separate kettle for such experiments, and our main kettle is tea only.

Let this be a warning, it starts with eggs, but it is a slippery slope.

Keep the kettle sacred.

Best wishes.

Everything is showbiz.

Becky.

Sausage tea sounds like something

only Joe Rogan listeners like, I used to drink normal tea, but now I only drink tea that's had a sausage cooked in it.

They would have on the video, they'd all have a mug with tea with two frankfurters sticking out.

It's like Huell, isn't it?

It's for the alpha male.

You can eat your Frankfurters while drinking a cup of tea.

It saves time as well.

And as everyone knows, time is money.

Why would you have a cup of tea and Frankfurters separately when you can have them at the same time, people?

You just wait, though, till you get back to melbourne and that will be the final little part to the three-quarter

flat white it's going to be and could you pop a frankwerner into it

just one frankwerter please these people they do not respect my order i said one frankwerner not two

Hazel says, hello, hello, DOD, Max Rushton, and Mr.

Barr.

I just listened to your latest episode.

I can confirm that pointy-edge drinking cups exist to prevent people from putting their half-full, half-empty cups down and risking spillage.

Yes, I think this was Guy Montgomery as well, the conical cup.

It's to encourage people to finish a drink in one go without putting the cup down.

How do I know?

Let's ask an 18-year-old me in my first job at Telecom Air Ann call center in 1990s Dublin.

I'd gotten myself a horrible powdery drinking chocolate before it had its trendy hot chocolate glow up from our horrible grey vending machine.

I took a sip and left it down on my desk, only to then spin around to answer my phone, knock the cup with my elbow and watch helplessly as my horrible grey drinking chocolate flooded my PC tower, sparks everywhere, taking out an entire flawless computer phone bank for an evening.

The following week, we were introduced to the conical cups of shame, and I got heavy, heavy side-eye from the IT guy for ages afterwards.

Everyone hated those cups, and everyone knew they were my fault.

The shame.

Love the pod from Hazel.

Little gnome hat cups.

That's what they are.

And now on the subject of obviously this being the center of the universe and with regards raspberries aaron writes while listening to the tom basden episode i paused to drop my kids off with the grandparents for a sleepover in an effort to escape without my three-year-old throwing a tantrum i sneaked out the side entrance of the house passing the raspberry plants having just heard tom talking about his raspberries i picked a handful to eat in the car just as i popped the final berry into my mouth tom raised the suspicion that his had been full of spiders i had to pull over and do some anti-anxiety exercises to avoid being sick once again more proof, this podcast is the center of the known universe.

Not only is everything showbiz, everything is connected via the What Did You Do Yesterday multiverse.

Thank you for the many highs and the many lows that are part and parcel of enjoying this podcast.

Urban foraging, yet another small part of this podcast.

Now we go to Lululemons.

From T.

Hello, I've been a loyal Calvin Klein boxerwearer for about 15 years, but seriously considered switching to Lululemon since hearing your discussions on the podcast, especially since hearing the origin story in the most recent Guy Montgomery episode.

To put it politely, my most recent batch of Calvins have been on their last legs for a while now, and I decided it was time to purchase some new boxes.

However, I was left with a tough choice of which brand.

Should I stay loyal to the trusted CKs that have done no wrong over all these years or take a punt on the outsider, Lululemon?

Ultimately, I chose the former, a huge mistake.

The fit has slightly changed.

changed on the new CKs, meaning my new five-pack is borderline unwearable.

I now find myself complaining to my fiancé that 60 quid is wasted and i can't return them as they understandably have a strict returns policy this leads to the following conversation me i'll get lululemons next time fiancé why are they supposed to be good i didn't know they did men's underwear me yeah well according to this podcast

fiancé what podcast is is recommending underwear me well they asked comedians what they did yesterday and one

fiancé is that the premise?

Why are they doing that?

A question I could not answer.

I then proceeded to half-sell your podcast, listing all the celebs who she knows who've been on it, while also exclaiming that they don't even have a sponsorship deal, so the underwear must be good.

I don't think I convinced her A to listen to the pod, or B be on board with my buying boxes mentioned on a podcast.

Keep up the great work.

Everything is Lululemon from T.

Please don't use my surname.

But taking a recommendation from us would be like buying boner pills because some crypto bros talked about us you know that said i am intrigued to know when you recently made the transglobal flight from australia to london yeah that's one of the times in your life when you do think about the undies you're going to be wearing i'd say you went for the lemons 100 lemons i went lemons and i was in lemons tracksuit trousers as well and currently i'm in lemons shorts and the fact that we give them so much airtime without them giving us a cent is an absolute outrage now i will just say from that last email i'm sure some of the listeners will have.

He said that the fit has changed slightly.

And then T referred to his five-pack.

And it took a moment for my brain to be like, oh, it's a five-pack of undies, as opposed to it's some gym work he's doing where he's dropped one of the packs from his

pack.

You have the top four and a little beer belly.

That's what it is.

Still on underpants.

The tone is lowering as the emails progress.

Max and Dave, your recent chat about Max's Lululemon undercrackers and wearing pants to the point of total destruction made me recall an awkward incident last summer.

Picture this, a sweltering hot day.

I have a physio appointment to have my knee assessed after injuring it at a football.

After a busy morning working from home, I dashed out the door, having remembered my appointment with just enough time to make it there on time.

On the way, I remembered I was supposed to bring or wear shorts for the assessment, but in my rush to get there, I'd totally forgotten.

With no time to turn back, I plowed on.

I arrived at the physio office hot, flustered, and sporting a light sheen on my forehead.

John, the physio, welcomed me, and after some some pleasantries, asked me to change into my shorts.

Explaining my lack of shorts, he shrugged and said, shoes off and down to your boxes then.

After some time laying on his physio bench with John manipulating, swinging and stretching my legs in all directions, I felt a strong cold breeze from his rotating office fan.

Wow, what a powerful fan, I thought.

But as it rotated across my person for a second time, I again felt the cold breeze directly on my ball bag.

It was at this moment I knew my boxes had finally reached the point of failure and that my nutsack had made an unexpected cameo.

Once I'd practiced some rehab exercises, I was allowed to put my trousers back on, and only then did I discreetly explore the area with my finger, confirming a hole the size of a 2P coin right in the gusset.

Visually confirmed upon my return home, the boxes went straight into the bin.

It pains me to consider how this hole would have expanded and constructed with every movement of my legs, my boxes and sack almost winking at poor John with every movement.

I did not forget my shorts for the follow-up.

I'm certain that John did not forget my ball bag appearance, but he was polite and professional enough not to to mention it.

Fix my knee too.

What a guy.

Cracking pod, keep it up, Ollie.

I'd say physios seem more ball bag than maybe any other job, even doctor nurse, because I'd say it's peaking out the whole time.

Also, didn't we have a listener recently who had a three-finger rule that the time

the undie was when the third phalange can fit in there?

But it's an interesting question for the listeners.

Which job

Text us now, 81089.

I'll try it on TalkSpot on the weekend.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Mary's.

Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail of Tito's.

Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas.

40% alcohol by volume.

Savor responsibly.

This is our one.

We only do one a week, of course.

After that, sort of not angry but disappointed email from a man in deal.

A Pooh mishap story.

Hi, Madax and David.

I love the podcast.

In our house, we listen to you on an AirPod each as we lie down with the three kids to try to get them to sleep.

You reduce the torture level of the situation significantly, so thank you.

Given the recurring theme of Pooh in your podcast, I thought you'd like this story.

I'm a nurse in a busy Dublin hospital, a career that of course comes with a certain amount of feces-related hazards.

FRH as they're known.

On a particular shift a few years ago, as I'm sure she did every day, my manager bought a fairly large handbag to work with her and left it open under her desk in her office behind the nurse's station.

Everyone can see the direction of travel here.

Coming towards the end of this busy shift, the nurse's station was left unattended for a while as it was all hands on deck trying to get patients sorted for this evening.

Cue a confused patient waking from a nap, realizing she needed to use the toilet, wandering out of her cubicle, into the nurse's station, into the back office, spotting the big handbag under the desk and deciding it was definitely a toilet.

She did, says Claire.

The biggest poo I have ever seen, right in the handbag.

It was nearly poetic.

It still has me laughing to this day.

Keep up the good work.

Wow.

You know, someone's doing really well when they lift their dog turds in a Louis Vita on handbag.

Maybe that's what she could have just said afterwards.

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing very well.

Final email before they're just normal countries comes from Neil.

With apologies to everyone, especially the eight-year-olds.

But look, we're all learning here, and it's all science.

Good afternoon.

Having listened to David talk previously a bathtub full of ejection.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I was intrigued to know the answer.

I therefore asked my good friend ChatGPT.

I was slightly concerned that it might call me a sicko and tell me to only use it for sensible things.

However, as everyone is eager to please, it actually greeted me with a great question.

Let's do the math reply.

It got slightly technical, but it works out that at five milliliters a pop, very possible if you're a healthy, happy, and hydrated man.

Going once a day will take you about 93 93 years to fill a bathtub.

Possibly not possible in a lifetime, sadly.

I must say that Chat GPT kept up the enthusiasm by saying, Let me know if you want the answer for a jacuzzi instead, smiley face.

Oh, a jacuzzi!

That is.

That's put a very unwanted image in all of our listeners' minds.

Overall, I was quite upset with the outcome as 93 years isn't really possible in one's lifetime, given that the first 14 years were left without contribution.

And I'm sure towards the end, it won't be five milliliters.

What are you doing, granddad?

However,

knowing that a bathtub being full and there being enough liquid in a bath to have a satisfactory bath is different, I asked to clarify exactly how full it would be by then.

The good news for anyone wanting a bath of this kind is that 93 years was the figure for a bath filled to the brim.

Yeah, you know about that because you're going to displace Archimedes.

This is Archimedes.

This is what he worked.

You don't want it slowly dripping down the side, do you?

Should you want to have just enough to the Goldilocks point?

It can be achieved in a more modest 32 years.

Keen to keep the conversation going, Chat GBT asked me if I wanted to calculate it if I was to have the weekend off.

Keep up the good work, guys, from Neil.

Thank you, Neil.

Thanks for spending your time.

Neil, just take a second to realize you spent some time.

We have precious minutes on this earth, and you spent time.

But listen, it's good to learn the science.

32 years, if anybody wants to start today.

And I think we all apologize for that.

It's David's fault.

It is your fault, David.

They're just normal baths.

They're just normal baths.

Hey, let's play.

They're just normal countries, the one and only.

Q the greatest jingle of all time.

So welcome everybody to the game show Sweeping the Nation by Storm.

Previous guests, Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, Northern Marianas Islands, Bhutan, Brunei, and Nepal.

Of course, these are countries that have had more or less than just one listen at the time Mars Barr checked out these statistics.

There are six and it's winner stays on.

So as we say, it will be a glorious moment if someone comes on, gets one right, and then gets the next five.

I like this.

I'll be honest, for the first couple of months.

I wasn't sure about this as a concept.

But now, I'm slowly starting to warm to it.

Because it's Stockholm syndrome.

Do you think that's it?

Yeah, I think you've fallen in love with your captors.

Here's this is from Sam.

Dear DOD, Generic Man 3 and Mars Bar.

Earlier this year, I went on a hike across the Mozambique-Eswatini border.

They're just two normal countries, he says.

Now, I know for sure there's been more than one play in Mozambique.

I live here, and I'll often put on an episode as I lower myself balls first into a bath or while I'm tinkering with my one sole singular bicycle.

But after the hike we stayed at a camp in Eswatini.

I struggle to sleep.

Time for a podcast.

I didn't want something so interesting I'd get wrapped up in it.

Oh here we go, one of these.

I didn't want something so interesting I'd get wrapped up in it and forget about sleeping.

Neither did I want something with too tight a narrative so that if I dozed off I would miss something crucial.

A former taskmaster contestant describing a day spent on the sofa on the loo or eating unconscionable amounts of eggs.

Perfect.

So was this the only time anyone listened to what did you do yesterday in Eswatini?

Sincerely thank you for what you're doing with this part.

A perfect island of mundanity and a sea of high performance bollocks in it for life.

Everything is showbiz.

Saludos desde Maputo.

Sam.

So Marsba is Eswatini a one-listen country.

Eswatini.

How many listens in Eswatini, please, Marsba?

Eswatini is a four-listen country.

A four-listen country in Eswatini.

I mean, so we have to do a bit more work.

Quite often, Marsbar says, listen, if you want to get to, you know, your parenting hell off-menu levels, you've got to make a big jump from where we are now, the Joe Rogan levels, you know, to start making hundreds of millions of pounds as opposed to the 10 millions that we make now.

And really, cracking Eswatini could be a way in.

And as yet, we haven't.

So we're still at naught.

This is so exciting.

I'm very good at quizzes and whatnot.

And geography.

Well, I mean, I know my Lesotho's, for example, but I've been to Lesotho, so there we are.

What circumstance were you in Lesotho?

I don't like to talk about it, but I raised money with some people to provide mobile HIV testing centers, which were Land Rovers.

And we built a couple of football pictures as well for some people.

But I was like, I don't like to mention it.

Was this when you did the marathon and part of a chain gang?

And at one point, someone had to go and do a poo and you all had to stand around the Portloo?

No, that was some other charity work.

I don't like to talk about for shelter, I believe, for homelessness.

I can't help it.

I can't help all this good stuff that I do.

On behalf of the people of Lesotho, thank you, Max Rushton.

That's okay.

When I was flying back from Lesotho, I was landing Friday morning to go into Socrate and the Gloria's, and we were flying from Lesotho to Johannesburg to get our flight.

We tried to land twice in Johannesburg, and it was too foggy, and we went down, down, down, down, down.

No, thank you.

Twice.

And they went, sorry, we can't land here.

We're going to land in Durban.

So we checked the map, and that was further away from Lesotho.

Like, it was just completely the wrong direction.

So we missed our flight.

So I landed the next day, went straight into the studio, did the show.

I was like, God, that was great.

And the boss, the execut producer, who thought I was pretty shit for all of it, if we're being honest, he was like, nah, that was terrible.

So that was a shame.

Anyway.

Oh, my goodness.

No, it was fine.

I once ever had the one where the plane comes down

and I think it's maybe one of the smaller planes with this crosswinds and has to roar back up again.

Bouncy bouncy up.

Yeah.

But it was

Australia.

And I have a great affinity with Australia.

But it was the one time ever you didn't want that casual vibe was from the captain at that moment.

Because as we took off again, he came and he goes, oh, bit of a rough one there.

We're going to go around again.

Give it another go.

And it was just something about give it another go.

What you want to hear is, and we're definitely going to land and it's going to be fun.

Hey, David, what did you do yesterday?

7:30,

the classic time.

Is it Miel?

Is Miel still there?

Miel is still here.

But no, it's not.

We have guests staying.

And they need to get a flight.

A guest being friend of the pod, Sam Campbell,

hanging out in Dublin for a few days, just for touristic re we did.

Such good stuff, we did a proper tour of a passage grave, really good gear.

So, I have to get up to wake them up to make sure they get in a taxi.

Did you have to offer to play shuffle board with him as he left the house?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

No, it didn't take much at all.

Made coffee, got them out.

Helencopter went to Palates,

Fine, great.

I am preparing for an episode of the popular podcast.

What did you do yesterday?

Ah, you are, yeah.

Now, this is interesting, Max, because we, oh, didn't eat either, because we stuffed our gills so much with hipster Chinese food the night before.

Doesn't that when you're actually not hungry the next morning?

No, see, I don't have that valve.

Even if I've eaten, like I ate buckets yesterday, and then I fell asleep last night putting Ian down.

And Jamie woke me up.

I'm not sure why, because I was asleep.

I'd spent the afternoon with some mates drinking and eating chili dogs.

And then she just went, dinner's ready.

And I went downstairs and ate bowl of pasta I didn't need, and I felt really full.

But this morning, I still had my porridge.

It's not my yesterday.

So I don't have that.

I never have that.

It's a new day.

The slate is clean.

I'm going to be fit.

I'm going to be healthy.

And then it's sort of downhill for me.

Yeah.

No, don't need anything.

But here's an intriguing psychological thing.

Because I've got them all out of the house, I am actually about 20 minutes early to record our great episode of What You Do Yesterday.

So this would be an ideal time just to take stock, just to be calm, just to be like, I'm really going to get in the mood for this podcast.

Do you do some DIY?

Build an extension for number 36.

Paint the ceiling of the office.

That's 20 minutes.

Yeah, it's had two coats.

It just needs to throw up one more coat.

There were some cracks on the ceiling, so I'd filled them quite nicely and then sanded it following some of my favorite DIY YouTubers.

Then the problem is because the filler I'd used was an off-white.

You could still see it a little through the white.

So we just needed to throw up one more.

And this leads to a situation where, shit, the podcast is happening in one minute.

I have to finish painting the ceiling and I have paint all over my hands.

So that's what happened when I arrived for the podcast yesterday.

But paint on your hands is better than swarfea on your penis, which happened two weeks ago.

So

that is an old saying that I never,

it's an old Russian wives' tale.

We do a very fun podcast.

I feel we're in a good place at the moment with those chats we're giving to other people.

These ones,

what can I say?

I'm not a fan max of the midweek episodes

no but like with these ones i feel it's a very controlled environment in that it's just us so we can do whatever we want but with the guest i used to be like oh i hope this guest is good whereas now You're just phoning it in now.

Now you're just phoning it in.

I am not saying that.

I'm saying we've got great guests.

The guests know what the deal is, as opposed to the first 10 where the guests had no idea what they were letting themselves into that's true but you like to think most people understand if you ask them what they did yesterday and they tell you conceptually i feel it's easy you know

finish that

now we have an afternoon of my parents in front of us lovely the odoherates yeah yeah great gang yeah so they have been out west they've been on the island yeah on the island and the reason they were there is because we've been trying to coordinate a new bathroom, just a more accessible bathroom, more handles everywhere.

Yeah.

A little sit-down in the shower.

This is the good stuff that you need when you're in your 80s.

Question.

Question.

Yeah.

When the person installed the bath, did they say in just 32 years, you could fill this with the requisite amount?

Now, what has happened, though, is due to circumstances beyond anyone's control every single tradesperson has been late and so what my parents have come back to is complete fucking carnage

no it's mostly done but they were waiting for a shower tray to arrive they're waiting for various bits i am going to go over there

and do a big cleanup for the afternoon just hoover any food yet?

Hoover everything.

I'm still full.

I'm still full from a sea bass the night before.

All sea bass.

Yeah, and loads of

egg-fried rice and bits and pieces of that.

Good stuff.

But I'll do a shop for them first.

I go to a popular German superstore.

And once again,

I mean, we did consider doing this as a bit on the podcast.

What did I buy from the middle aisle?

but you will never guess this in 30 000 years right and did you do it for your parents because you're doing a shop for your parents or is this this is for you my parents would not enjoy the thing i bought on any level any level so it would categorically not be enjoyed by anyone over 80 is that what you're saying uh it could be enjoyed by them but i would take another 70 years off that it would be not enjoyed by many people over the age of 10.

okay so it's a toy.

Yeah, to some extent.

At some extent, a toy.

You bought an Aerobee.

I bought, it screws onto an outside tap.

It's a bunch of straws that come, 50 straws that come down.

And at the end of each one is a balloon that, like a graphic fish that lives five miles underwater.

Okay.

You turn the tap on on and these 50 balloons all fill with water simultaneously.

They have an ingenious top to them that's a kind of little bit of elastic.

So when it's full, you pull it off and you have a water bomb ready to throw.

And it's automatically, so you don't have to do the get your thumb in, tie the knot.

Exactly.

That's always been the problem with water bombs.

Hasn't it?

Yeah.

So me and the helencopter were hanging out with some eight-year-olds last week, and I found that I had one of these things in my car that had been sitting there for about three years, waiting for its time to shine.

And I'm a fun guy in the

garden, and I'll play football with you for absolutely ages and come in like sweating for dinner while the grown-ups are all having a boring conversation.

I'm still that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like, Do you think the Cuban missile crisis, they're all just putting down martinis?

You've got a giant Mario Kart head on.

That's stuck, it's stuck on my head.

And they're all like, Prussia is fascinating because it's not a country anymore, yet it's still an adjective.

A bit Prussian, don't you think?

So, yeah, I get this, it fits onto the tap, and the kids, it's such a piece of cyber hardware, the kids don't even know what I'm doing.

So, they think it's just

this grown-up's got some boring thing.

And then the cocoons themselves start to fill.

And because I'm a danger dog, I want to fill them up as much as possible.

Yeah, of course.

And then the weight, so you've got your arms under them trying to keep them like

dinosaur eggs in Jurassic Park or something.

And then when they get too heavy, like the first one falls and goes, you know, the beautiful way that a water balloon splashes.

And the kids are just like, oh my God, it's water balloon.

So they just start pulling them off and then just throwing them straight at me, which you cannot argue with.

If you have introduced these, 100%.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

He who brings the water balloons in from the car is about to get absolutely soaked.

So yeah.

Of course, Completist will remember my father-in-law bringing water pistols and making every child in our family cry at Christmas

while they're all nicely just tinkering along playing on their own.

Right, okay, so you buy this from the middle aisle.

This is exciting.

Buy more, and this description of a day is not going to end with me filling them up and coming back in just as Helen's dozing off to sleep and just pumbering her with these.

Just so the listeners know, they're still in my car, they're waiting for their time to shop.

I'm just saying, look, I'm sorry, my parents, that the bathroom isn't ready, but I can wash you like this.

So I do a big shop for them, call

over in the afternoon, for the whole afternoon, just

hoovering, dusting, cleaning, this sort of a thing, because there's been some building work that was meant to finish last week and we were going to clear it up over the weekend.

But I do a pretty good job.

The thing about dust is it sort of gets everywhere, you know what I mean?

So do you know what?

The downstairs toilet in my flat, I keep it locked with full of my shit.

Oh, yeah.

So where people come to stay.

And so when you you open it, it's like Indiana Jones.

It's like a scene in Indiana Jones.

You know, I'm sort of pulling out like the cot that we use or the high chair.

And it's like, you sort of like it's some ancient relic.

The dust in there is just, it is horrific.

It's so bad that sometimes you just go, maybe we just won't go in there.

So no, I understand.

I know about dust.

Carter opening Tuton Commons.

Exactly.

It's like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because in Edinburgh, generally, when you stay in Edinburgh for the month of the Friends, you just live in someone's flat, exactly like your situation.

But I will say this, Max.

You know that they've put all the good stuff into a room.

So in the past, because I love crime and I'm good at crime,

what you want to do is open that room

because you know there'll be so many DVDs in there and the DVDs.

And you know what?

It would be funny if anyone did open this because in that toilet is all the Socram Glorious memorabilia, like real dumb shit, you know, of just sort of like a Pringles box with my face on it.

And, you know, like just weird stuff that people made you that I just sort of shoved it.

It was like quite a nice place to have this thing and sort of odd football trophies that I've won.

You'd open it thinking, whose house is this?

A bit like when I, the first ever Airbnb I did, or it wasn't Airbnb, but it was sort of similar.

I was in New York and I sort of rented this flat and I clearly sub this guy was subletting it he wasn't allowed to sublet it so there was a note that said if anyone stops you on the stairs you say you're a friend of Juan Patino right and I was like this is great so obviously when people walk past I would really I would make a point I wouldn't like just walk past them suddenly I'd say I'm a friend of Juan Patino but Juan Patino he either wrote or he published

he had something to do with Miss You by Lisa Loeb and the soundtrack to Twister.

So like in the house, like gold records, you know, 50 million copies of Lisa Loeb's I Miss You, which is right in my wheelhouse.

And the Twister soundtrack of which I don't know many of the songs, but that Juan Petino had his fingers all over those.

They were just on the wall.

It's very exciting.

I spent the whole time trying his shiny jackets on.

My apologies, Juan.

I do wonder if that was the flat where Lisa Loeb, I think the song might be called Stay.

Yeah, that's it.

I missed you.

And in the video, it's just her walking around a New York apartment.

Was Was it in Juan Petino's apartment?

I don't know.

I'd have to go and watch the video again and then see if I could remember anything about this apartment that I stayed in maybe 20 years ago.

It's a great afternoon.

It's great to see the lads.

They're in great form.

We've done a big shop.

They've had a nice time.

And Darius does not arrive.

Interruption.

You say the lads.

Is that a colloquial term for your parents?

Yes.

Sorry, that's a very Irish thing.

That's very Irish, is it?

Yeah.

My mum wouldn't quite understand that if I said it.

All right, lads.

All right, lads.

It's great to see them.

And

they're having a laugh.

They're having a laugh.

That's good.

Darius, electrician, does not arrive to finish the thing.

Yeah, unfortunately, he is coming this morning.

So hopefully then the new electric shower and the fan that sucks the hot air out will all be ready to go.

I have a gig.

I am doing the Edinburgh fringe.

I open in one week.

Wow.

And yeah, these are the final.

final.

Are you ready?

By the time people listen to this, it'll either be about to happen or

the run will be underway.

And yeah, we're getting there.

But I have failed to do any work on the show.

I've done a preview the night before

that Sam and some other trusted friends were at.

And I've sat down in the pub with a Microsoft Word document.

And one of the most tedious hours of their entire lives.

I've gone, Did you get this?

Did you get this?

What you think of this?

Does that make sense?

And I have had very good and critical feedback.

That's good.

So you've got, it's like the voice: Sam Campbell, Brian O'Driscoll,

and Patrick Kealty.

They're sitting away from you, and where each joke you would say they were

and they turn around and they go, I've pressed my button because I like that joke.

You really get it.

You know how comedy works

so hanging you're not you must have eaten something by now david yes i did because it was i don't know it's do i eat more food for my adolescents when i'm over in my parents house i possibly do you know open the cupboard and have some mini cheddars is that what you're saying what i do is toasted ham and cheese sandwich just like the classic not in the pressy pressy but just under the grill in the oven oven.

Yeah, no, it's classic.

Even the reminiscences of, you know, I know their oven well, but I never know if jaggedy arrows pointing down means grill or strong bar across the top means grill.

Do you know where you've got your temperature selector and then the select the five modes one?

No, I'm with you.

I very rarely, I'm reticent to use the grill because I'm not sure which is the grill.

So I very rarely grill things.

And the cheese sandwich also, I think it's the American influence on our society, has also gone what they call grilled cheese, which is where you just fry it in a pan with butter.

Yeah, that is good, though, isn't it?

It is really good.

You can make it really flat.

Yeah, that's a good toast.

But I do feel it's probably healthier done in the grill.

I mean, it's not healthy.

So I got to go home.

I've got a day's work to do before my gig at eight o'clock.

So you paint another wall.

Get home at five o'clock.

No, even better than paint another wall.

I have received a summons

from a fake parking company affiliated to a hotel

that

I had stayed in two months ago.

So it's like, it's called, you know what I mean, Riverside Parking.

And it's like, you know, I think of Doug and Dinsdale, the old Monty Python sketch with the two London gangsters.

And that's basically what the summons is.

It's like, no we don't want to debate about it you owe us 120 pounds

so but it's mythical it's a mythical part you never parked anywhere this is i did park there oh right so this immediately this annoys me so i had received this original summons a few days before and the day before

had written a really the only way to respond i got straight back in touch with the hotel and i'd said like, use that real bullshit consumer tone, which is, I was deeply disappointed to receive this summons from your parking affiliate, you know, like real

asshole rhetoric the whole time because the hotel at the time had been undergoing renovation.

The car park was a shambles.

There was, I think they thought I'd snuck under a barrier.

All I'd done is park the car near the hotel and the card got covered in dust.

I'd been blocked in by builders.

As far as I was concerned, like I was going to take this to the UN if they kept saying that I owed 120 bones as well.

So

I wrote this hugely emotionally manipulative letter to the hotel.

Initially, I just sent them the summons.

I was like, there must be some mistake.

And then the hotel said, if you did not abide by our parking bylaws, then you must be paid.

And then, so I went with this killer one where the guy's name was Ryan, like Ryan Johnson or whatever.

And I was just like, Ryan, I need you to sort this out for me.

Like, it was, it was

a real asshole stuff.

But I painted a picture of a hotel in chaos.

Yeah.

That there was drilling in the rooms.

You know, there was a temporary reception in another room.

And we had to wait there for five minutes while someone came from serving at the bar.

You know, this sort of thing.

Like, I ask you, does this seem to you a reasonable?

I'm a monster.

I'm a terrible guy.

And Ryan responds, we apologize.

Oh, and the killer line was.

Even though I'd been in a hotel on my own, I had said that I was part of a large group.

And if Ryan can't sort this out, ASAP, unfortunately, I'll be passing this whole affair on to my superiors who do a lot of work with the hotel.

And Ryan, I don't want that to happen.

I'd hate for you, Ryan, to have to do it.

I don't want to do it.

You've turned into the people.

You've turned into the gangsters.

I'm simultaneously trying to bad cop and good cop him that it's not in either of our interest for this to happen.

So Ryan responds, do we get the response?

Do we we know the response?

Yeah, we get the response.

So, we get back.

This is what happens when I sit down to go to work.

And Ryan has said, I've looked into your case, 456 forward slash 372B.

And the hotel apologizes sincerely if we fell below the standards that we hold ourselves.

Yeah, of course.

There's three paragraphs before we get to it.

As a gesture of goodwill, I will contact our parking affiliate and have the fee waived yes waived that's the word you want isn't it so i just drop to my knees and like tardelli this tardelli

it's maybe the best thing that's ever happened and now the problem with this is i'm really in a rush to get like ready for the gig to make the ten interruptions

on monday So like I had the Volvo gigantic for a few days.

Oh, yeah.

So then I had to pay the congestion charge, work out if I needed to pay the ULES charge.

I have residence parking by my flat.

So I worked out.

I had to pay it for this day and this day.

Yeah.

Right.

So I pay it and I even set an alarm.

I found about 8.15 because the parking is from 8.30 until 6.30.

And at 7.17, I'm online on my Ringo.

I've had to.

join my Ringo.

We talked about Ringo.

I've had to upload

the number.

I'm doing everything right to avoid getting a parking ticket.

And then I log on at 7.15 or whatever.

No, 7.17 exactly.

And I say, I want to park for the next 180 minutes.

And it says it'll be 30p up to 8.30.

I'm like, what?

I don't want to 30p up to 8.30.

No, no, no.

Let's park from 8.30.

So I don't pay the 30p.

I pay the five quid from 8.30 to 10.30.

That's what I need.

I go downstairs and there's a traffic warden putting a ticket on my car because they've changed.

It's not 8.30 to 6.30 anymore.

It's at any time.

And I'm like, I literally, he was like, look, 7.17.

I was here.

I was like, I literally didn't press confirm at 7.17, just up up there surely there's something you can do and then a couple of scaffolders drive past and say don't give him a ticket and I say yeah listen to the scaffolders but he said I'm sorry I've given the ticket now and I'm like I know you're just doing your job

really good I know you're just doing that job and then I'm just a bit like oh fuck I sort of say I mutter fuck as I walked off but do I have a case to appeal because the thing is I'm not trying to subvert the system I'm trying to play by the rules I'm doing everything right I've paid for yesterday I've paid for today but I haven't checked that it's changed but do I write to them and appeal or do I just pay the 80 quid and 80 quid?

God, if I appeal, it might go up to you know, it's like if you appeal a red card, it might go up.

I might, I pay 80 quid now.

If I don't pay it in time, it'll be 160 quid.

Six billion, yeah, that's terrible.

That's really because I've done so much, I've done so much.

Car admin, you vote reform now, that is why you

Nigel Farage would overturn it.

You know, he might have you know written to Hitler at school, but

he'd cut out the red tape.

You'd be allowed to just come down with a taser.

You're just allowed to taser anyone you want.

So, yeah, so we get ready for the gig.

This is not at all interesting to anyone, apart from the Helencopter has come back and said that she'll make dinner.

Now, the wonder of the Helencopter is she makes real nice stuff,

but sometimes it takes a little longer than she expected.

There's a touch the ratalengis to all of Helen's recipes.

So she can make a creamy cauliflower in orzo sort of bake.

I love it.

It's incredible, but it's ready at five to eight.

And I have to sound check at eight.

Oh, no.

That's not enough time to eat an orso cauliflower bake, is it?

You need at least eight minutes to get that down.

There's actually time.

There's It's actually time to eat it and to have seconds, but you eat it.

And this is, I did listen to

my current belief is that everything in my life would be fixed if I eat slower because apparently that sets off neural pathways and you just start to really smugly enjoy life like Michael Portillo.

If you just use a smaller spoon to eat your sugar puffs or something.

He uses a coffee stirrer from a shit vending machine

to eat his yogurt parfait, doesn't it?

Takes him three days.

Absolutely marvelous.

He eats a crunch corner with just a cocktail stick.

Just each ball he just picks up and dips it slowly.

We go into the gig.

It's back in the place where I started.

The comedy cellar, which was founded by Ardlohanlin and Barry Murphy and Kevin Gildea in 1988 like the first alternative comedy place it's a room above a pub a tiny wooden stage it's fun Rosie O'Donnell has just been out Rosie O'Donnell who Trump hates has moved to Dublin oh yeah she has yeah and is putting a show together and is doing warm-ups in this tiny little place so that's nice and then I So it's a line-up show.

It's something that you don't get to do as much in the sort of comedy that I do, because normally you're doing solo shows.

So you get to hang out with a gang and stand in a corridor and, you know, be rude about other comedians.

Yeah, think about the old times.

Yeah, great.

But the corridor isn't wide.

Like you basically...

you're blocking the audience from going to the lose.

It's the beauty.

There's no dressing room in this venue.

You stand there.

And so, for example, at halftime, the entire audience streams out and tells the acts from the first half exactly what they thought of it.

Just like pointedly, you were good, and then walk past the other person.

I'm very pleased with how the show is progressing.

We have three more

full previews.

Next one is tonight now.

And then we will be ready for the Edinburgh fringe.

Highway to the David Zone.

will be ready to go.

I get home then.

I don't have a pint or anything.

This is high performance comedy I'm doing at the moment.

You've only had a cheese toasty.

I know you've had your Orzo.

Yeah, I've had way too much Orzo.

I get back.

Helencopter is watching.

So this is about maybe 11.

Helencopter is watching a series that looks too boring for me to get involved in.

We've missed the setup.

It's called Gilded Age, and it's just, it's an American attempt to do a downturn, I think.

Yeah, okay, right.

You've got to start from the beginning, otherwise, yeah, it's just people in big dresses raising their eyebrows at each other as they, you know, when someone says something.

Yeah, I presume Lord Percy of Dingbat is a rogue, is playing a rogue in this.

So,

what I should do, Max, is relax.

So, what do I actually do instead?

Fix the washing machine.

Decide to glue the top onto the railings.

You've got 100 railings.

Yeah, that has really, that's come off badly.

Everyone's got 100 railings.

If you count your railings, even you have railings that you don't even know about.

This is not a

big number of railings.

After this podcast, I'm going to count how many railings that I have.

Okay, do a voice note.

Do a voice note.

A pointy bit fell off one of them during the painting.

Just one of them.

Okay, fine.

So I've been searching for the product to glue it back on it should be welded back glue

really glue will not do it a bought water

a prit stick

papio bag again gloy do you remember gloy yeah gloy

that's my only my stand-up gig who remembers gloy

I have tried one called No More Nails,

which apparently sticks everything to everything, which I think that was the one where in the ad.

No, this has Arold Dite, where the guy is over the snakes.

No, there's one where a guy is stuck to the blades of a windmill and going around.

Arold Dight is over the snakes.

He's stuck on a board over the snakes.

No more nails has not worked.

Oh, okay.

Been that annoying thing where you touch it and you're like, yeah, I think that's solid.

And so you put a little bit of pressure and you're like, oh, it's moving slightly

in your hand.

So I go.

Sponsored down the dragon.

Oh, yes, Arold Dight.

This podcast is brought to you you by Aeraldite.

So Aeroldite is so sticky that it has to be kept in two separate tubes, almost in different drawers in your house.

What do you mean?

So it only works when you put them together?

Yeah, because if these two meet,

it's moider.

It's like nuclear efficient.

Yeah.

Actually, it's the opposite of the Large Hadron Collider.

Things don't, nothing is moving.

This is it.

So I have to get a chopstick and a piece of plastic.

You have to take that from Michael Portillo

from the recycling and you have to splodge out the two separate araldite tubes it's so it's the strongest glue known to man

yeah of course it is and then i uh whisk it together and then i put it on the bottom of what do we call them the railing spear the top triangly bit yeah and I go out like this is almost the definition of a crazy person.

This is worse than gardening at night because people are coming home from town after a few days.

I'm going to say this will be the latest known aralditing of a railing head in history, in world history.

People are walking their dogs, and they're like couples who are having a nice chat, and they just go quiet as they pass me aral diting the railings back together.

But I will not be put off.

I have my mobile phone under my chin with the torch pointing it at the affected area.

I get it in.

It's now 12 hours.

I think it takes to set,

and I will go and check it after this podcast.

Helencopter's TV show is over.

It's been quite a busy day, so we're both quite tired.

We go up to bed.

We don't do any crosswords or anything like that.

We simply go asleep with our butts touching.

And so ends

together.

i didn't wonder why for this whole podcast he's just leaning over that one

she's behind me

like a pantomime horse she's got to edinburgh now she's very disappointed oh

wow there's gonna have to be a big rewrite off the show just to account for the fact that there is a woman stuck to my bomb

hey good day you've had a good day there david

yeah

I've had a very good day.

Yeah, admin-wise, a couple of things for the tape.

Producer Marsba was literally eating mini cheddars when I said mini cheddars.

This podcast is eating itself.

That's what's happened.

If you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

And if you'd like to come to the live show, what is it again?

HackneyEmpire.com.

That's it.

HackneyEmpire.com.

We haven't done any prep yet for the show, Dave.

You seem to have your mind on another show that seems to be taking precedence.

Yeah, and your ideas are just getting more and more.

Yeah.

Reach for the stars, that's what I say.

We've got to put a show on for these people.

And not only you get the original cast of S-Club 7 to sing Reach for the Stars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

You can't fill the Hackney Empire and then spend 20 minutes saying, and what is Swarfega exactly?

But we'll give it a damn good go.

Thanks, Max.

Let's do it again, soon.

Thanks, DOD.

Everything is showbiz.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure, the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She has to live with us and a baby 24/7 and has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.