S3 EP7: Emma Doran

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many.
I have one already. I don't have any, because there are enough.
Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
Why is that? Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
We'll try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushton.
And I'm David O'Daugherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday. My name's Max Rush, and alongside me, David O'Doherty.
Hello, David.

I'm very excited for today's app,

which is with...

I know when the episode starts, you will say that you organized it, but it's with one of my friends from Irish Comedy, Emma Doran.

And she's so funny. It's a great episode.
I will say for the tape, David takes quite a lead in this episode.

Maybe he has designs designs on the hard chair, or maybe my Wi-Fi was intermittent at times.

I don't know how successful Marsba has been in cutting out the bits where they couldn't hear what I was saying, or me hurling a selection of Wi-Fi routers and personal hotspots at the window.

But I think there is a chance you could listen to this episode and have no idea that that was. I just wanted to give you the full facts because I believe in honesty.

I want the listeners to know that possibly I take a secondary, and maybe you like that.

Maybe I should take a sort of a, you know, know, a hands-off approach to this podcast, but that's what you'll discover.

Yeah, I probably talk too much and then Emma and I would stop talking and your voice would come in kind of like a vocoder, like gaffpunk electric for

around the world, around the world. What is Max saying, Emma?

You have no idea.

Emma Doran is one of the people to have really broken through in comedy in this country in the last few years. She constantly puts up really funny things on her Instagram.

She does an amazing podcast with Deirdre O'Kane called Keep It Tight. And she's about to do a big tour.
Emma DoranComedy.com. But her breakfast is absolutely rank.
Yeah,

it is, actually.

Poor Emma. This is what Emma Doran did yesterday.

Emma Doran, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Thanks for having me. Delighted to be here.
Yet another guest that I have booked. We go way, way back.
This is David O'Doherty.

I don't know if you're aware of him, but he is an aspiring comedian. And listen, I've been working with him on his stuff for a while, and I think he's got great potential.
Thank you.

Thank you for finding Dublin's Emma and getting her on the podcast, Max. It means a lot.
Thanks, Max. Anytime.
Anytime. Emma, what time did you wake up yesterday? Great question.
Great start, Max.

Thanks. I know.
Really, I'm on it. I'm on it today.
I feel it. It was before 4:7.

So quite annoying. That could be a lot of times, though.
We need you to narrow it down. Was it like, you know, 11:30 the previous night? No, no, I would say I didn't want to be as exact as 6.45.

I don't think it was quite 6.45. Yeah.
But it was before seven. So the thing at the moment is I keep waking up before I need to wake up.

Two things are happening. I'm in the attic of my house.
So I'm in a small terraced house. We converted the attic, which is great.
But the ceiling is about four foot high, which is fine for me.

But my beloved Shane is a little bit taller than me. So he comes to bed most evenings like a gorilla and he needs to be in the center of the room to be able to stand up straight, anyway.

So, when we get into bed, we are in bed, and that's we have to stay there. So, I keep forgetting to pull down the blinds, so I'm woken up by the sun.

Yeah, also, the other problem is I have a bad addiction to my vape. So, I think as well, I am actually waking up after vape.
No,

yes, like a fruity, a horrible early morning fruit blast, Yes, of apple. It's apple flavor.
It's annoying me now, but I'm not doing anything to rectify the situation. Question.
Yes.

Does Shane ever wake up with a start? Perhaps at the smell of sort of fruity apple, sit up straight and his head hits my ceiling. His head goes out through the valleys.

It's just that's all people can see from miles around.

You see shoulders down and the rest of the city sees a head just out of the roof. No, not yet.
BC, he vapes as well, but I think he has this addiction more under control than me.

Well, now he's one of those, he does the thing of, he's a snooze button person, which I find highly annoying.

Like he does half an hour of the snooze. I was like, fuck's sake.
Yeah. The couple that vapes together, japes together.
Isn't that what they say? They have such a good lap.

My question is: this: I too live under the rafters like a little bat. And in the warm weather we've had recently, it gets steamy under those rafters.

You know, the black slates are absorbing the heat of the day.

That's the problem with an attic, it's just never quite right with the temperature. It's boiling in the summer, and in the winter, you're freezing.
Perfect.

Yeah, only a couple of months ago, I bought an electric blanket, but Shane wasn't into it.

So, what I did was somebody gave me the advice: get a single-bed electric blanket and put it on your side of the bed

so he's just in the jocks on the other side of the bed and then i'm on my side of the bed and i go to bed usually fully clothed with dressing gown the whole thing and put on the electric blanket maybe a hot water bottle as well yeah but we haven't found out the system for the summer sleeping in the attic yet when you had the attic renovated yes when the builder said and what we'll do is we'll have the ceiling four foot off the ground yeah did you not say could you make it eight?

No, if we didn't, because it was one of those situations. It was the only house that we could afford, and the builder was quite fast and cheap.
So we just

could do four foot in 20 minutes, eight foot in an hour, but you've only got 20 minutes in, out.

He was somebody who

you would refer to as being quite partial to cash.

So we were just like, whatever.

And yeah, that's what happened there. I think, Max, what you haven't realized is that, and I know, obviously, living in Dublin, Emma and Shane are gnomes.
Right, okay.

Like they work by day with pushing little wheelbarrows, doing other classic gnome. They have pipes, etc.
Hence the vapes. The vapes.
Hello. The vapes are clean, Max.

What else do gnomes do actually? I've had a blank there. I can't think of other games.

Yeah, they do fish. They live on.
They're very stationary fishermen in my limited knowledge of gnomes. But that's the key to fishing, though, is it not? To stay still.
Yeah, hello.

They're very patient, the gnomes, aren't they? I can't remember when gnomes moved away because obviously they were trying to get in with the zeitgeist when they moved from pipes to vapes. Yeah.

I don't remember that moment. Yeah, I don't know when that was.
Instead of fishing rods, a lot of them have drones now. They're just flying a drone over the lake to try and see where the fish are.

So we've woken up. We have a refreshing morning vape.

Hang on. How many seconds between waking and vaping?

That's an excellent question. I would say two.
No. Two seconds.
I would say, so there's one second.

That is the shame and the guilt that I'm about to do this. Yeah.
And then the next second is when I do it. I think there should be morning vapes that are like Wheetabix flavored.
Yeah.

Or like toast and coffee the room is filled with these morning aromas that's a great idea then that wouldn't have so much guilt around it so then next of all you hobble over to the stairs and adorably because you're a gnome jump down single step maybe you have a little ladder for each step yeah and i'm whistling i'm whistling as well while i do it

interruption i don't think there's lady gnomes are all gnomes dudes maybe there's a couple of lady ones but i haven't seen one in the flesh in person yeah unfortunately it's a bit of a smurf thing isn't it you only have smurf et yeah so i think there's only one female gnome it's a very complicated reproductive story with the smurfs and the gnomes as well that we won't go into now

but it's awful it's awful stuff yeah the onus is really on one individual to keep the whole thing going it's a lot of pressure

Okay, so how long do we vape in bed for? Oh, not long. Not long.
Okay.

Two and a half hours.

Ten o'clock. We get a few vapes in, maybe four or five.
Demure pulls at the vape. Like, you know, I did Raquel Welsh in some old movie with one of those long filters.
Yeah.

You've got a martini and you're in a ball gown and you're on a chaise long. It's not a long-lasting pull.
It's just like, I need a couple of little toques here just to set me up. Absolutely.

Sorry. We'll move on with the day now because I realize we're

7 a.m. I've been too honest already about my day.
We're five seconds into the day. I think this might be a record.
So just, yeah, a quick few pulls.

Then I'm like, oh, it's kind of that thing of I'm awake now. Fuck it.
I'll get up. So I head down.

Now, what do I have the shower first? Now, I was meant to have a shower the night before. I was too lazy.
So I went, full disclosure, I went to bed stinky. It was fun.
So I had a shower that morning.

I washed my hair. So that's a big palava to wash the hair.
But I was like, right, just get it done.

Then I went downstairs and I prepared my breakfast because usually I wouldn't have breakfast that early, but I knew I was going to have a busy day.

So sorry, Emma, from those first vapes, while you're in the shower, firstly, do you consider vaping? And secondly, have you ever vaped in the shower? Is that possible? Are vapes waterproof?

I've never vaped in the shower. Those kind of activities, I'm not thinking about the vape, but okay,

I can't even believe I'm telling you this now. So, this is me in my house.
I have a bum bag around my person at all times. The vape is in the bum bag.
Okay,

is only the vape in the bum bag, or are there other interesting things? No, so the vape is in the bum bag. Yeah, the juice for the vape, very important.
Juice, oh, it's that word in the context.

Orange juice, no problem. Vape juice is up there with bing juice.
It's just Grimsby.

What else is in the bum bag, Doran? My phone. My phone.
And then in the back pocket, I have a bit of cash, a couple of pairs of earrings, that kind of thing.

Just like miscellaneous stuff, then there's a few like receipts and things. So is this just when you're in the house? Just in case you meet like

a little troll and you need to bribe them with some gold trinkets and some cash. May I pass this way? I, Ebadora, the little gnome, need to travel to have a shower.

It's getting off the charts because we got a takeaway the other night and the man delivering the takeaway actually said to me, he's like, sorry, can I ask you something? I was like, yeah, sure.

And he says, what's the story with the bum bag in the house?

Oh, that's good. This guy is good.
And also, do you take the bum bag off when you leave the house? It's like as soon as you're leaving the front door, you take it on the bag.

no, no, it stays on, it stays on the whole time. 100%.
I even went to um this thing called Zip It the other day, you know, like one of these climbing things, and you put on a harness and a helmet.

And I put a little video, and my friend came to

go. I see the bum bag is still off.

You might be the last person wearing a bun bag. This is really exciting.
I didn't think we'd ever get to bum bags, but now it's nice to give them some airtime.

Emma, is this because you're wearing uh hot lady-ass jeans that don't allow you to put stuff in the pockets? Pockets. Yeah, it's the lack of pockets.
That's how it starts.

You think, oh, this will just be handy. And then you're just using it all the time and you're going to your cousin's wedding and you're bringing your bumble.
You know, like it's

the Oscars, the red carpet. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm going to say something now that there's going to be a lot of backlash to. Oh, okay.
Yeah. But it's been on my mind for a long time.
And I think this is the best context to bring it up.

I feel the ladies,

the specifically ladies who wear bras

are underutilizing the potential of the bra for keeping stuff in.

You know what I mean? Like, could you not put a wallet in one

of the keys in the other? Yeah. Have you ever given somebody money and they've, like, I'm talking about in a retail situation and they have put the money in their bra? Because that's happened to me.

And it's quite unnerving. And they've given me my change back out of the bra.

It sounds great at the time, but it's quite an awkward situation. I got a facial done.
I gave her the money. I had a bit of cash.

And she put the cash in her bra and gave me my fiber change back out of her bra. When the builder did the attic,

did he stuff the 10 grand into her bra all the time? Just her boobs getting bigger and bigger. Huge wonga baps.

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Where are we got in? Are we in the shower yet? Are we down the stairs? What's happened? We had the shower. We had the shower.
We've now gone downstairs. It's breakfast time.
It's breakfast.

So I usually, if I was at home for the day,

I wouldn't eat this early. But I'm heading out today.
So like, I better have something to eat before I go.

Because I used to be terrible at not eating and then I'd leave the haze and I'd be ravenous and I'd eat like pastries and all that shit.

So for my breakfast, I had

a tin of tuna. Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God. Two boiled eggs

with red onion on a plate, mashed around together, some salt

was my breakfast. Is this a specific diet plan?

Sorry, is this recommended or is this something that Emma Doran has just this hasn't been recommended to me, but my new buzz at the moment, because as people are now aware, I'm a health guru from how I start my day.

So this is about me getting protein in. So the tina tuna is 25 grams of protein.
Two eggs is 12 grams of protein. So that's a lot of protein.
Wow. High performance.
But it really makes you full.

I've just basically started having lunch for breakfast. Yeah.
Works for me. Is there burps? Is there terrible, terrible burps? Well, I haven't brushed my teeth yet.

I brush the teeth after that because it's a bit much for the morning. I think that's very generous.
Actually, I did buy chewing gums the other day and Paolo's for the first time in months.

So maybe that's because of that breakfast. It's really high performance.
But who knows what this day holds? Like, you might be about to do a marathon or something like that. We don't know yet.

If so, that will make sense. How much red onion do you eat? I'm putting a good bit of red onion, but I'm kind of going rogue with it.
I'm not really chopping it up. I'm just...

Jesus. Oh, God.

I feel like chopping up things is kind of a bit of a time luxury thing. So I'm literally just, I have half an onion in the fridge and I'm lobbing slices off it like lumberjack style.

Eating it like an apple. That's what you're doing.
But the onion is, that's the star of the show, in my opinion, is the onion. Oh, I mean, great in a salad.

A red onion makes a salad i'm with you i just don't know if it makes a tuna eggy breakfast but then i'm oh i love or another thing i love is to i used to eat as a kid and my mother used to send me into school with them which i figure was crazy but i used to go to school with tomato and onion sandwiches that's as a five-year-old

as a five-year-old wow yeah I've always loved onion. Not only did I have plain cheese sandwiches, my mother had to cut the crusts off them as well.

And meanwhile, you're going in with Ololenghi, just weaken out the entire primary school. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So I hope what you're about to say now is you don't eat it.

You put it in a neutra bullet and using the juice of it, you then vape the breakfast. You vape that entire breakfast.
No, I just eat. I don't use a knife.
I shovel it up

off the plate into my garb. It's a quick thing.

You've got to get that over with. That is a bit of a shadow statement, isn't it? So, Emma, you fueled up with a frankly disgusting selection of foods that should never be put together.

What are you doing now?

Now, I am waking my youngest son up because he's going to a football camp.

So,

this is the first time he's been going to a camp and his brother, who's 12, is not going to the camp.

So, 12-year-old's not interested, but 10-year-old, the last while, has been cranking up to getting into football. Great.

So I'm making his lunch. I'm trying to get him up.
He's not great at getting up. So it's a long process to try and get him out of bed.
Even when he's doing something he likes. Interruption.
Yes.

Is the lunch you're making for him?

You know, boiled eggs and a red onion. No.
He's getting a fruit winder. All he wants for his lunch is crackers with butter.
That's what it's been niggled down to now. Footballer, classic footballer.

Anyway, I'm trying to get him up. He gets up.
He just has toast for his breakfast. We head off to the camp.
Did, whoa, whoa, whoa. Most important question here.

I would imagine he has put a lot of thought into the outfit he's going to wear for day one of camp. I give you a specific shirt.
His boots are gleaming, I would imagine. Yes, that's a very good point.

So what he has done is he recently got astro boots that he's been just wearing as runners all the time. Got to wear them in.
Got to wear them in. Yeah, yeah, he's got them on.

You should have them in the bath. Yeah, good.
So I dropped him to camp. I didn't really know the setup.
We walked in the door and there was kids taking the names, other kids.

So I was like, this is kind of strange. But I left him anyway.
Right, so run by kids. There's no adults at all.
It's just kids looking after kiss or Lord of the Flies football camp.

Bugsy Malone football camp.

Well, he's at that age now. I didn't want to smother him.
I was like, do you want me to come in with you? And he was like, no. I was like, okay.

And it was that thing of they were looking for his name on the list and they couldn't find it because

they're kids. And I was like, Oh my god, have I not paid for this camp?

And then I was like, No, they're kids. That's where they can't find the name.
So then that was fine.

Emma, sometimes a camp like this will be have the name of a famous player connected to it who turns up for

five minutes on one of the days. Is it John O'Shea? It'll be a classic Irish footballer of the past.
Yes, it is is held in Damien Duff Park.

Wow.

Yes. Interruption.
I once bumped into Damian Duff at the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition at the Natural History Museum.

I didn't expect to. And there we were.
We were both admiring a photo of a gorilla in the mist. It's beautiful.

Emma, Damien Duff recently left his post as the manager of the Irish football team Shelburne, and he hasn't done an interview about it yet. So here's what I propose.

On the day when he comes into the camp, we wire your son, right? We put like extensive under his woolly hat, we have a huge boom mic. A camcorder, a camcorder.

Chicago Bears hoodie is just full of 90s recording equipment because that's the only gear we could get.

And he asks them all the questions the people want to know what happened duffer that's a great shout and you see tommy would know what questions to ask because he's a shamock rovers fan he's well up on his league of ireland stuff so he'd know he i wouldn't we wouldn't even have to prep him great rivalry yeah we could so you're not happy to leave him there because it seems like chaos but nonetheless it's time to move on it's time to move on the camp's being bugged We've got to go.

We've got a small window here. We all got to move on with our day.
You know, what's next? What do you do next?

Get back into the car. Now, I felt bad because I parked in the grounds of the football club and none of the other parents seemed to do that.
They all seemed to park out on the road.

And I was like, oh, I didn't realize I wasn't meant to drive in.

Whatever. I'm over it.
I drive into town. I park in

Stephen's Green shopping centre car park. Ooh la la.
And I i had to yeah yeah yeah i had to get my hair and makeup done

for this podcast for this podcast

it's very kind of you to do that i got it done yesterday i remember gary lineke having a makeup having a makeover before he came on oh okay what's happening what what are we having done uh to do a photo and an interview so obviously this is not normal day that's why i had the breakfast because i thought it's going to be a long day whatever i was delighted with myself because I was on time.

I had to be there at half 10. So I thought that was pretty good going.
I get very excited when I'm on time when it involves having to park in town as well. That's very exciting for me.

And I had washed my hair as well. So I was like, I'm doing really good today.
Emma, is that not part of the service that they would provide though? Is it not a full groom?

Like if I was to wash the dog before I brought the dog,

the groomer. I forgot that part because

then the hairdresser man was like, will we get you washed? And I said, no, I actually washed it this morning. This is still damp.
And then I was like, oh my God, he thinks my hair is greasy.

That's why it's damp. You know, because it's that thing where it's just about nearly dry, but there's a few strands that are a bit wet.
And I was like, oh, my God, he thinks I'm greasy.

And I was like, no, no, no, I've washed it this morning. So that made me, I felt weird then.
I was like, he must think I have some weird thing about, oh, I only washed my own hair or some shit.

Here's Here's what I want to know. Yes.

So for this glam slam operation,

what is the publication? You know what I mean? Because if the publication, say we're an interview with the broadsheet, you might want to look quite demure. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You just sitting reading a book, looking out a window or something. Is it vape monthly?

So it's a broadsheet. So I left.

I didn't have to like dust off the push-up bra or anything like that you know we were going for smokey eye do we say a smokey eye still yeah smokey eye i gave my vape to somebody else while the pictures were being taken and i said could you mind that for me while we do these pictures vape cannot be saved this person i hire someone to hold my vapes

and as soon as the shutter is off vape back in

okay this is exciting okay so is this like one of those three-hour jobs or is this quite of a quick in-and-out job it actually wasn't too bad it was quite quick. So, got the hair done.

Now, I love getting all this stuff done because hairdressers and makeup artists always have the best gossip and the best things to tell you.

So, the makeup artist was telling me he had gotten into trouble,

or not trouble, but had kind of been told maybe stop that. Forgetting people who were coming in to get their makeup done, he had been getting them pissed.

So, there had been kind of we're coming back that people were leaving the salon slurring their words. So, just handing flutes of Prosecco to people who are?

Yes, but he introduced me to a new drink that I'd never heard of before called the Girlo. Okay.

So I was like, what's a girlo? So a girlo is you get a Prosecco glass and you put a half shot of gin in the bottom and then you top it up with Prosecco.

And he said, his words, he said, it's like fucking rocket fuel. And I was like, amazing.

Yeah, yeah, it's gin and prosecco.

It's not a surprise. It does the job.

Yeah, it sounds like you've just parked in a shopping centre car park and you go to a normal hairdresser's and in there is a makeup artist who is just getting people shit faced.

That seems to be it, Max.

From the way I've heard this, is that an Irish thing? Yeah. I just turn on.

Now that you've explained it back to me, that he was essentially just say, mixing gin and prosecco together, of course, Emma.

At the time when he was telling me, I was like, Oh my God, you should go at Dragon's Dead. I was like, that's amazing.

I most try that.

Hello, Dragons. I'd like a couple million pounds in terms of 10% of my steak.
17 cans of cider. I guarantee you.

This will really get you going. Deborah Meaden wants to have a try.
That's what he said. He said, if you need a drink to get you going.

Yeah. This is the truth.

I love a drink called 17 cans of cider. And it's just like a waste paper basket with you just

and you just pour them all in and you're like there it is that's it peter jones wants to know more do you know what i have that little bit of innocence still in me that i'm always shocked that alcohol gets you pissed and i just oh my god brilliant brilliant yeah so he was good fun Did you have one?

Did you have a girdler or whatever it's called? No, I didn't, but I'm definitely going to make one because I drink gin. I've kind of gotten, I still love gin, but I've kind of,

I'm due and night to get yeah fucked. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like I want to do it fast.
It's for the girl on the move who doesn't have a lot of time and wants to get fucked up quickly.

Kind of drink. That's how I'd market it.
That's a great advice. Busy mums who want to get fucked quick.
So, hair-wise, do we go for,

here's all the lady hair expressions I know, an up-do? No, no, we don't do an up-do. Do you get a curly blow dry?

we don't get a curly blow dry obviously he's got a blow he blow dries it a little bit to flatten it because i've turned up with wet hair like i'm a fucking swimmer or something he blow dries that down a bit and then he says what do you want and i just say do whatever you want that's kind of my theory with these things because then they'll do something that they like doing the rachel the rachel

he's not cutting it he's just going to curl it in some form So I'm just like, yeah, do whatever. Okay.
So he was all good. I was having chats with him.

But because I had turned it with my hair already washed, I had time.

So makeup artists had told us about this new makeup place on Grafton Street. So myself and Chloe, who was with me, we went up there and we bought makeup.
Who's Chloe? Chloe is from Avalon.

She was with me at this photo thing. Right, okay, right.
But I was buying my own makeup to take home from his recommendations.

So girlo drink, man.

I was like, this guy knows his stuff. Fine.

He's absolutely wasted he's like literally falling over occasionally he catches your face with the mascara but most of the time it's all over the floor he's sick in a bin and i was like i like the cut of this guy's chip i'm gonna take his advice and we had time to kill so i went shopping oh nice emma doran do you like the job they've done you know is it a classic situation where you don't like us but you have to pretend you do well you know it's kind of a bit of both because this is the thing because the lighting is that in there is so good.

I've nearly seen too much of my face. So every time he hands me the mirror and he's checking, and he's like, Are you all right with that? I'm like, Yeah, that's lovely.

But I'm kind of like, What the fuck's wrong with my face? Because there's so many ring lights in the room. Yeah, it's really bright.
It's really bright.

I kind of need to get outside and see my face in a dimly lit bathroom,

you know, to like it. So you go to the bookies

and

you have a massive toe on a vape outside and you head in. I put 20 on Doran's Pride, which is odds on seven to one.

So what I want to know is, are you now going straight... Is the interview one of those interviews where they interview while the photo is taking place? No, it wasn't.
They were separate.

So at least that was something. That's good because those interviews where they say Emma Doran casually lays on this chair, the wooden chair, as a photographer.

She seems positive and confident about her new thing. Yeah, I don't like those ones.

What's the show about? And you're like, it's just jokes. I don't know.
It's just the jokes I did this year. I don't know.
Yeah,

you can't say that. You need to make up some, you know.
I know. Yeah.
Are we doing the photo shoot first? We're doing the photo first.

So we go to a place, the place that we're meant to go, and it's locked. And there's a guy outside.
And because he's like, why are you trying to open the door?

Oh, we're just doing like photos in here today. And he says, we're doing deep clean in here today.

It's begun.

I like the idea of the photo shoot if you just fixed into that. Do you know that machine they had to do school corridors? Yes.
It was like a circular thing that just spun around.

At least that would have given me something to do with the picture. You know what I mean? I would have loved that.
Full makeup driving this this thing up a corridor.

So I was like, oh, here we go. So I'm outside.
I have a little wheelie bin because I have clothes to change into, and I'm vaping. And I was like, okay, whatever.
All right, this will sort itself out.

And the photographer isn't there. He's late.
So then they kind of take pity on me. They're like, well, you can come inside and wait if you want.
I was like, oh, thanks so much.

And you know, you like you'd be like overly thankful. You're like, the lights aren't on the place.
It's kind of weird. And you're like, thanks so much for this.

And then the photographer guy comes, but he's like 20 minutes late. And he said, sorry, I was late.
He was doing a behind the scenes on the Lewis. The Lewis is the Dublin street tram.

So he is moving from taking behind-the-scenes photographs of public transport to now. So sorry, is that like what really happens?

Because, you know, we only see the tram going, you know, but we don't really know the the back story what are they doing before they come out of the tramshed yeah the driver is necking a girl out

as

as she pilots the Lewis through the streets of Dublin what I want to know here is very often when a broadsheet wants a photo of you as David had already in this case they'll be like a bar we'll put them in a bar they want a a classic looking Dublin bar in the background.

I'm in a more kind of like bar bistro bar. A lady bar.
A lady bar. A lady bar.
A lady bar. And a lady bar where you drink girls.
That kind of bar.

Lady bar. Great.
Yep. So what happens? Because they're not ready for you.
Do you have to move to a new location? No, they let us in. We sit around.

I kind of keep, I'm like, I'm just going to nip out for a vape or whatever. Obviously, he's like 20 minutes later.
He comes and he's like, sorry. And I'm like, whatever.

And he's like, we're going to get this done pretty fast. I'm like, perfect.

I I go change. We do a few snaps and he's chatting away.

He's entertaining. That's all grand.
And then it's done. And then we all go off to do an interview.
Does at any point he say, could we just remove the bum bag? No, we actually, he does say,

do you have another outfit? Now, this is after a good while, just to give us another option. And I was like, oh.

I said, well, I can take off the jacket. And he's like, let's do that.
So I was happy enough with that because I didn't, even though I had outfits with me,

I didn't want to have to change again the toilets. Well, when I was the, um, because as everyone knows, I was the face of Kappa 0809.
What?

Kappa, the sports brand with the ripaway button tracksuit bottoms. Yeah, I was the smart, casual, Roba de Kappa sort of cardigan polo shirt.
Wow. That's a pretty big deal.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

When they asked me if I wanted to do it, I spat a coffee rubber room in hysterics. And I think that cost me a few pounds.
As I was just like, fuck yeah, I'll do this.

I wasn't like, I was just checking with the other modelling things I was being offered, and there weren't many. Anyway, they replaced me quite quickly with a model, which seemed disappointing.

But I had many chairs. I had to constantly get in and out of polo shirts.
And I didn't want to complain, but I could have just done one. Yeah.
Did you do a serious face?

I mean, can one of the listeners please try and dig up some of my

modeling career? That's one of me looking in the distance wistfully over a leaning over a table football table which is really something quite special wistfully over a table football table

emma

sometimes in photo shoots like this they forget that it's well there's two options one is they go it's comedy so like

can you wear a sombrero and be firing capri son from your teeth like

or they forget entirely that it's comedy and they just want you holding a martini glass you know what i mean yeah in a way that no one would see that and be like i want to go and see this show this person

in this case it's me looks like they're kind of up themselves you know yes it's a very fine line so the i suppose the vibe of it was

uh she's made a bit of an effort but she's not she's not losing the run of herself kind of thing so the smile would kind of be like you know it's kind of

it's like, aha,

laughing at nothing kind of is the vibe. Yeah.
She's smartly dressed. She's got a nice smile, but she's eating a red onion, vaping,

and drinking a shot of gin and Prosecco with a bum bag. And so it's kind of every man and classy at the same time.
Yeah, and she's in a lady bar. So it's fine.
You know,

that's the vibe.

It's just the balance, the balance of it all.

So this is exciting. We're off to an interview now.
This is a fun. We've never had an interview so far.
Although technically, we are an interview of sorts.

Technically. I've never really thought about what we do that way, but I guess this is a sort of an interview.
And now we're going to interview you about an interview.

Yeah, we're off to the interview. And that's now, it's not in the lady bar, it's in a hotel.

So the interviewer, I know them, but I've never actually met them in person. So I've done a few interviews with them over the years, but I've never actually met them.

So this is my problem when I meet people. I'm not a hugger.
Yeah. Like I hug my kids, I hug my family, but I don't initially go for the show biz thing of like, hey, hug.
Yeah, they've got to earn it.

They've got to earn it, right? Thank you. I'd be quite happy if we got rid of that.
I don't want to hug you.

You don't want to hug me. Stop.
No, I don't feel the need to hug you.

So I always dread meeting somebody like that because I'm like, we're going to have to do the hug, but it's not a real hug, and I don't like that.

Max, can you imagine the opening paragraph of this interview? Aloof, alone.

Doran does not want to be here. She resists with every sinew of her body.
Each question, a staccato yes or no.

10 minutes in, and she tries to break from the embrace.

I lie on top of her, forcing her down using my wrestling skills.

I know I'm at fault in this.

I know I'm at fault.

My awkwardness around this is making something that isn't awkward awkward.

I know I just need to let go of this, but there's a little bit of the onus on them because I just need them to go for the hug and not hesitate in any way. I need them to go full-force hug.

But if I get a sniff of hesitation off them, then I go, oh, they don't want to hug me. I don't want to hug them either.
And then the hug happens and it's horrible.

Okay, so are they going arms round and your arms by your side like a penguin? Kind of. But they didn't do the hug.
They did nothing. They did a handshake.
But a handshake is quite formal.

I don't know what greeting I want. Hang on.
You can't say, that's not enough. You can't say, actually, in the end, I want it to be enough.
What are you searching for? Yes. What do you want?

Just two fist pumps.

Two double fist bumps. Oh, like, do I want a little head tap or something? I don't know what I want.

As a gnome, you're used to just a pat on the head, I suppose. I don't want the hug and I don't want the handshake.
I don't know.

Emma Panics just slaps the interviewer in the face and says, let's do this thing.

Okay, what angle are they going for with the interview? Like, if I was interviewing Emma Doran, I'd be like,

young mother, make good. You know, she's battled through.

She's a fighter. And it's you in boxing gloves on the front.
One of life's, she's come from nowhere. And now in her 60s or whoever old she is.

Basically, what I do is I say to the interviewer, look, let's speed through this. And I sing fighter by Christina Aguilera.

Yeah, there's definitely that. It wouldn't be an interview without that.
Then there's also a little bit of, are comedians competitive with each other? Oh, yeah. I get that.
Yeah, you get.

And sometimes you can't say anything these days. Have you ever got in trouble for saying, because then the headline's going to be like, young mother battles against the establishment.

And does it finish with quickfire? Wigwams or peanut butter? You know, that kind of.

I wish it had. I love that.

No, it didn't. Wigwams or peanut butter is a very funny thing.
I was was going to answer that. I was the actually that answered that.

What way were you going to go? Peanut butter. Yeah, me too.
Yeah. I think you'd have to go peanut butter.
Like day to day.

Day to day. You'd have to go.
It depends what you're trying to do, I guess, isn't it?

I don't know. We don't need to spend too much time deconstructing the time when a wigwam is more useful than some peanut butter.
But it's pretty obvious, I think.

Emmett, the other thing they're doing in interviews

now, so ones that appear online, even in broadsheets, they'll keep altering the headline. When it actually appears, it'll appear obviously in print and they can't alter the headline.

But the online ones, they constantly, they're trying to get more views for it. So at the start, it'll be like David putting his own stamp on the world of comedy.

And like, no one wants to read that fucking article. And so the next one is like, battles sadness in an attempt to bring joy to the world.

And then the next one is like, thought he'd win the tour de France one day. And every, so it's just every time you

check this article, it's got a different title. Yeah, you just have to disengage from it.
It's just like, what's going on? Oh, is it lunchtime now? Is it lunchtime now?

Yes, we're getting to lunchtime now. Oh, how good.
So it's a bit of a thing of what to do

for lunch. It's kind of a bit later.
We've kind of missed lunch. Like it's after two.
Best time for lunch. Best time for lunch.
Yeah. We go into

Powers Court shopping centre. Ooh.

To non-Dublin listeners, maybe the poshest single place you could go for a medium-priced lunch in Dublin. Yeah, go to a place.
And it's kind of like, I just want to make the decision quick.

It's like, let's go to that place. Fine, let's go to that place.
So then one of the things they had on the special was sell out. I was like, okay.

The only other thing I could see was Turkish eggs. Nothing wrong with that.
Eggs, surely off the table. You've already had two.
I know. I'm having two more.
Someone had six in a sitting.

Who was Joanne McNally? Joanne McNally had six in a sitting. And she likes hers hard-boiled, doesn't she? She doesn't want any runny yolk at all.

I find strange. She might have just taken the whites as well.
She might have had one yolk and six. It was sick.
Whatever it was, was crazy.

And it was also at like half six in the morning or something. Yeah.
Yeah, and I know she's very particular about her eggs.

That's the headline for this whole interview. You said comedians weren't competitive, but actually, when it comes to eggs, there's serious competition.
But who gets hard-boiled poached egg?

What the fuck, Joanne? Get a grip. Mrs.
Rushdon, Jamie likes, doesn't want the yolk to be runny.

Fuck off, Jamie. Get a life.

Jammy is okay. Jammy is okay, but not like...
Runny, runny, runny. Yeah.
It's gloopy run. Okay.
So you don't balk at the idea of eating more eggs.

See, I still have tales of people having cholesterol heart attacks from the 90s somewhere in my brain that says, don't eat too many eggs, David. I think four is the max I'd go in a day.
Yeah. Okay.

Maybe felt four is the max. But there was nothing else.
I didn't want a sandwich or whatever. And I'd never had Turkish eggs before.
I actually didn't know what I was ordering. Yogurt-y garlic stuff.

Yes.

So I got. That of the two slices of sourdough bread.
The only thing is there was a lot of yogurt. To consume all of the yogurt, I would have needed a a whole fucking pan of sourdough bread.
Yeah.

See what I'm saying? They're just not giving enough bread with these things. I hope

you were papped just because you're obviously looking sensational, hair and makeup.

You're still in like the beautiful clothes you wore at the thing, and you're just like shoveling eggy yogurt into your face. Eggie yogurt.
There was a few hidden nuts in there, though.

I quite enjoyed that.

Is that normal? Yeah, I think so. It wasn't by mistake.

Accidentally dropped a bag of hazelnuts in and just covering that with the yogurt. It'll be fine.
She's never had it before. Dry roasted peanuts in there.

A whole pack of KP, you just throw them in.

Okay, great. That's a lunch.
How long does football camp go on? Is that on your mind? It does because it was the first day as well. The day before they actually

there was the torrential rain.

So they didn't cancel it, but they kind of sent an email the night before going, we'd kind of prefer if you didn't come because we'll have to be in the clubhouse with them and we fuck all to do was the gist of the email.

So he didn't go on Monday, but he went on Tuesday. So I was kind of nervous for him because it was his first day and he didn't know anyone, anyone there.

But my partner was collecting him with my other son and our dogs. They were going to walk over and get him.
So that was fine. So then I came home

and then

Shade had met

a Carbonara. Oh, lovely.
But it was too much, Max. It was too much because I felt like I had just had the Turkish eggs.
Yeah. And also, there is egg hidden in there.
Yeah.

And you've reached your four, maybe five limit. So I was like, oh, fuck's sake.
And I love Carbonara, but I was like, oh,

get that away from me. So I kind of said something about I have to just make a quick phone call to kind of avoid the dinner without seeming ungrateful.
That's what a teen would do. This is.

I thought you had the Turkish eggs at two. What time is it? When's the Carbonara? Turkish eggs was later than two.

Yeah, it was later. Sat down for a while, then went and got the car, drove home.
Right, okay.

For a little while, I was taking off the clothes. I was putting the clothes away that I hadn't worn, that I hadn't bothered to change my hole to fucking get changed into.
Oh, that was pointless.

Yeah. Did you try and ask for free clothes? Did you try and pull any sort of

you're doing a photo shoot? You can be like, go on, give us something. Yeah.
And those kind of photo shoots, that is my sole purpose to try and get the free stuff. But no, these were my own clothes.

So there was like, we'll do hair and makeup, but we're not giving you clothes. We know what you're like.
So I brought my own clothes. So do you think it'll say clothes model zone?

Is that what it's going to say the dreaded model zone? Model zone. Yeah, we will.
And when you insta post, you go, thanks so much to Emma Doran for dressing me like this.

Must be a very tiring part of that social media existence of having to thank everybody who gave you some socks five years ago. And I'd be frantically thinking, who gave me these?

Who's bought me this tea?

I think Jamie just picked this up at Primark. Do I thank her for just this photo I haven't really included? Do people need this information? What's happening here?

This is how the game works because people see you thanking people and then they send you more stuff in the hope they'll get thanked. As we've covered before,

the only time I've ever tried to do this was when for a joke, I pretended that my gigs were sponsored by Swarfega, the non-toxic paint-removing hand cleaner, and got a letter from Swarfega to say cease and desist, trying to say that we have sponsored your comedy, Mr.

Funny Joker Man. So, yeah, that doesn't work out for me.
You've staged a fake phone call in order to get away from the Carbonara. Kind of, kind of.
And you just hide in the attic.

Do you actually go, hello? Oh, Brenda, so good to hear from you. Look, the trick about lying is people think it's all about detailed lying.
It's not. It's about vagueness.

I have the phone in my hand and I say, I just need to go upstairs and do something and kind of gesture.

But I don't say

what exactly it is. Right.
And how long do you need to carry on this pretense for the Carbonara to just disappear? Not too long because I actually do have a phone call then.

And then what I do actually is I do make a quick video. For your socials.
For my socials, because the day before, in limb of the photo shoot, I bought nude underwear.

So very important to have nude underwear. So

you can't see your knickers or whatever.

And the nude underwear had all this writing. Interruption.
Oh, yeah. Does nude refers to the fact that you can't see them through the outline of them, through the dress.
Yes, in a different colour.

So what happened was I bought a pair of white trousers that I didn't change into anyway. But I had to buy the nude knickers in case I would wear the white trousers.

Because it is, David, actually, it's a sort of misnomer, really. Yeah, because

if I'm buying nude underwear, I'm expecting people to see everything when I wear them. That's what I'm expecting to buy some see-through Lululemon boxer shorts, which I haven't found on the website.

Just on the subject of me and Max recently bought the same boxer shorts, Abba. We did, yeah.

One pair is

nude.

We didn't buy one pair between us that we said between Dublin and Australia. Max, one pair is in the sort of the tea-stained nude colour.
You know what I'm talking about, Emma? I don't have that.

You have

to. It looks like I am not wearing, because I've got a bit of color over the summer, when I wear them, it looks like I'm wearing nothing, but have no discernible genitalia.

Smooth like a Kendall kind of thing. Yeah.

I did that. I went downstairs.
Then I was going to the gym. Okay, this is good.
You've got a lot of eggs. You've got a lot of energy in there.
I've got one more thing.

I really got invested in day one of football camp earlier. Did it go well? Did he have a nice time? Yes, it did go well.

He had a good time. I kind of, when I'm asking them about things, I do it in stages.
I do the initial ask.

And then later I try and get some more information. Great, clever.
Yeah. Yeah.
I have a three and a half year old and if I say how it's kinda, I might get good. I might get good.

That's all I'm going to get. No detail at all.
So, you know, I haven't thought about just the soft. I'm a hard news guy.
I can't help it. I go, I want the truth.
That's not working.

You want the headline.

What did you battle in kindergarten? What do you want?

Diggers, climbing frames and sand. The true story of Ian Rushkin.

Max is three and a half year old. When he wants Max to do something like build a Lego tower at half five in the morning, this is how you get Max to do anything.

He looks at him plaintively and says, but you're my best friend.

Which is such a funny thing. The manipulative little prick.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely right. Because when mum's around, I'm categorically not his best friend.

Okay, right. So where are we now? We've had the phone call.
We're at the gym. Okay, okay, this is good stuff.
What are we doing? Do we have a personal trainer? Go to a class. We go to a class.
Wow.

What are the people? What are we doing? MMA. Is it just beating the shit out of strangers?

That's Monday. This is Tuesday.
And it's Tuesday. I walked to the class and I was actually late.
I timed it wrong. No, late.
They were just doing a bit of stretching when I came in.

And it's a class where you do. Aqua aerobics.
Please say aquaobics. No, just weights and stuff.
Yeah. So it was upper body.
So we did upper body. Okay.
And how many people are in the class? 12, maybe.

Okay. And is the trainer one of those, is it a man with a neck wider than his shoulders? Yeah.
Who can't put his arms down because he's just so juiced?

He's in his

60s.

Okay.

And he says things like,

if he tells you before doing something, he says, I do it. And do it.
Balls to the wall. Don't be fucking aged about it.

Balls to the wall. Okay.
Is he like a 60-year-old with a six-pack? You know, like on the Eaging Pop scale.

No, no, he's not that level. But if you saw him, you'd be like, oh, that older man looks looks tidy.
Fair play to him. He's that kind of, you know what I mean? He's not juiced.

Would you think I would take him in a fight?

Great question. Me versus him.
No, no, no.

Let's do it. Next Wednesday night, Power Squad Shopping Center.
I'm calling him out right now. You think you know balls to the wall? I, David, had already, I'm going to show you balls to the wall.

I'll put your balls in the wall is what you should say. No, but the circuit training is on a Wednesday night.
It's 6.45. He's not around.

Thursday morning, while the shoppers fill this posh Irish shopping store. Well, after quarter past nine, because that's the conditioning class.

Well, look, we'll find a time for it.

He's a busy guy, isn't he?

In call-out videos, you rarely get tied up in punctuality and timings. You know what I mean? Next Thursday, Friday, or the following Wednesday week, I will meet you and it will be Judgment Night.

Yeah, they do do that on TV as well, don't they? Yeah.

There's a key thing here that I need to ask you about, which is if you're a beautiful lady with beautiful makeup, is it sad to remove it to go and do a weights class?

No, because it's going to have to come off anyway. Okay.
I'm not going anywhere. I'd be annoyed if I had to go somewhere later on.
I'd be like, oh, that was a waste. But no, it's fine.
It's fine.

Do you push it? Do you put those balls to the wall in this class or do you hold back? No, I go for it. Great.

All that. I'm giving up socks.
This is my fantasy. This is what I want to happen.
Okay.

I want... a situation where I'm with a group of men, maybe comedians, maybe not, but probably comedians.
And there is

something in the way, like a, I don't know, a rock or a table or something. Big rock.
Big rock. And we have to move this out of the way.
The lads can't do it. It's too heavy.

And then I say, I'll give it a go. And they just go, it's kind of like Greece, you know, like in Greece, like

with Kinnicki and everyone. And they're like, what she thinks she's doing, guys.

And I rock up and I move the thing and everyone's shocked. It was like, whoa, whoa, far out, man.
And then we all sing Grease Lightning. That's That's my goal.

I basically want some sort of physical challenge to happen and for people to be like, oh my God, you're actually really strong. I'll be like, thank you so much.
I will make this happen. Do you know?

The next time we're doing a gig, I will faint. But just before I faint, I'll be like, I do declare, I need someone to take me outside.
And when anyone else tries to lift me, I'll go really heavy.

You know what I mean? Yes.

Well, I hope I'll be able to lift you now. I'm incredibly light.
But maybe we should just do a few training sessions where I lift you up just so I'm good to go on the day.

It's a fun TV show where you get to bench press comedians of varying weights, isn't it? I think that's it. I've really enjoyed that.
Let's be fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It hasn't been done.

I don't think that is the one remaining reality. But we have to be able to tell them what it's like.
You know, the way they always want to hear, but what other TV show that's successful is it like?

What do we compare with you? It's like top gear for increasingly heavy comedians. That's what it is.

Or even

bring it across. So it'd be like, Emma Doran, do you think you could lift two jockeys? And Willie Carson and Rachel Blackmore come out and you have to hold them under your arms.

Great. We're back from the gym.
Oh, and somebody in the gym tells me that Ozzy Osborne died. Yeah.
And that was sad. Yeah, that was sad.

Because sometimes, I'll be honest, when those things happen, I do have to feign sadness. You know what I mean? Do you post? Do you post? No, I don't post.
You know, feign sadness. Okay, yeah.

No, yeah, you know, that kind of thing. Oh my god, so short.
And you're like, what? What were they in again or whatever? But I do really like Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah.

So I was like, oh, I was like, that's sad.

And then I had to hold back because somebody was saying that they read his autobiography and they start telling thing about he didn't know it was a bat and all.

And I had to stop myself from like interrupting them and go, yeah, we know that, but I didn't. I just let them tell their story about Aussie that we all fucking knew.
Well done. Yeah.

It's an extraordinary life to go from biting the heads off bats and sort of semi-inventing heavy metal to then being in a reality TV show. You know, we will never.

Inventing that as well. Yeah, inventing that genre.

We'll never see the likes again. Yeah.
But it's an interesting point you make about the sort of performative.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I was on air when David Bowie died and the British Horse Horse Foundation tweeted a picture of a horse with Ziggy Stardust face.

And you're just thinking, I just don't know if that's what, is that what David would have wanted?

Are they frantically running around the office at the British Horse Foundation going, we've got to post something, guys? You know, people will think we don't care. Yeah, it's friends and family.

So, could someone just check in and see what the British Horse Foundation said about our beloved?

The British Bat Trust, however, posted a picture of a bat just giving two thumbs up after Ozzy's passing.

You got to come back to the house now. You still haven't looked at that carbonara.
I have, no, no, no. It must be claggy by now.
It's got to be claggy. It's like a human brain.

You know the way pasta goes.

So I go back to the house and my daughter Ella is tidying up after dinner. And she shouts in, do you want me to get rid of that pasta? And I say, no, I actually haven't had any yet.

I said, will you throw it in a bowl for me? I'm going to have some now in a minute. And she goes, cool.
So then I go to the bowl a few minutes later.

And I didn't give her proper instructions, but the bowl is wedged sky high.

It's crammed. So I'm like, this is going to be hard to eat up.
So I attempt to eat it cold and I have a few bits left.

I'm like, this is,

I'm totally gone off that. I fuck it in the bin.
And then I look in the fridge.

And I'm like, oh, what can I eat? Whatever. So I see a protein milk in the fridge that she has bought.
So I say to her, could I have that protein milk? I'll buy you one back tomorrow.

And she says, Yeah. That's no dinner.
That is no dinner. No, but I have the protein milk and then I have a fruit corner thing I like, but a chocolate one, vanilla balls, fruit corner.

This is bullshit.

Particularly after this breakfast that I thought the whole day was going to be like really experimental, particularly when you said protein in the first meal of the day.

I was like, so you'll be like, and then I need my carbs and then I need a pure veg. I just lost interest then as the day got on, and I think I just left it too late that I just wasn't bothered eating.

Emma, you have had this incredibly unsatisfactory dinner that I'd say has kind of, to use a phrase of my mother's, it's left you a bit amped.

It sort of popped you up eating, particularly that dessert for dinner. Yeah, but I think I was still full from all the yogurt of the Turkish eggs.
Oh, yeah, double yogurt. Double eggs, double yogurt.

I wasn't ready for like a carbon hour. I wasn't ready for like a big feast of a meal.
So I was fine. I was all good.
Did I have anything else?

I could have eaten something else snacky, but that's what I remember doing anyway. I think you need a bit more dairy in this day, I think.

That is an issue for me. I eat a lot of dairy.
Go to

the Double Mountains, find a field with a cow in it, and then just creep up silently and just start to suckle from its teeth. Just

honest to God, I probably did have a bit of cheese in there because I bought baby bells to just have like a quick bit of cheese on the go cheese, you know, like pocket cheese or whatever.

But sometimes I forget because it's

involuntary. I'm eating the baby bell without knowing I'm doing it, yeah, you know, and I love the little wax that wax off the baby bell.
Love it.

Yeah, it's the only food I believe that comes in a wax. The idea being, maybe more slightly boring foods should think about having such a fast.

Come in a wax because then you have something to play with after. A carrot.
Well, do you unwax a carrot?

Yeah.

People would get really into carrots and have a real moment. No, maybe you're right.
Yeah.

So do we maybe put on a little bit of telly or something like that? Yes. So the telly is on.
I think what I'm doing is I'm gradually taking off bits of myself.

So I'm gradually like, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go and take off my runners. And then what I do actually is I talk about that I'm going to go and have a shower for a good while.

I don't go and have the shower at the first mention. It has to be a gradual thing.

Oh, my son is now, he's in and out. He's going out into the field to play more football.
So he's totally revved from the camp. The camp is just, he's all over that.

Then I think we're getting ready for bed soon enough. He's going to be a pro.
Maybe I'm going to put a large sum of money.

having listened to you talking this podcast can you bet on children becoming professional footballers it's probably not a good idea because i'll suddenly be at all of his matches just nodding just telling him just play better can you i'm hanging out in the bookies anyway to get that nice lighting so i think we should look into it and see if it's doable

And we have this shower. The thing about a shower is you never really regret it.
So once you're in it. You never regret a shower.
So I'm taking off.

I'm now prop, like taking off all the makeup of the day and that takes a while because i don't really wear mascara so that always takes forever i'm kind of having a little bit of a cheeky long shower i'm using like a few lotions and potions i'm just kind of getting into it emma can i ask you a question i've never thought about this how do you get mascara off a chisel Yeah, it's like it really is.

They've got like, you know, make remover and all that, but they've just got to keep rubbing your eye.

Like they can dress it up any way they want but you've just got to keep rubbing the fuck out of your eye so do you pull your luscious lashes outwards i don't like the idea of that because it gets that sort of like

sound what as it leaves your eye and reattaches again no you it's a cross motion you just could do that until there's no black anymore would it come off if you just slept face down and like turned your face from side to side during the night and that's what i used to do when i was younger i never used to take off makeup.

And it just gradually does come off. And what I would do the next morning is I would just get like a wipe and wipe under my eyes.
And you're kind of like, this is kind of grand for today.

Like, that's what I used to do. But now the whole thing is take off the makeup before you go to bed.
No. Could you cry?

If you watched something especially sad, would the crying remove it in a less painful manner? Yeah, it would, but then you've got to scrape it off your face.

You know, what level of crying are we thinking of film, sort of or what type of crying? The end of dead poets' society. I mean, that would be everywhere, or like that film Pride.

I'd be like, my whole body would just be covered. Yeah.

Oh, yes, we get the makeup off. I have the shower.
I head up to bed. And I like to get into the bed first.
I don't like if Shane's in the bed before me.

Okay. I like to establish my as my territory.
He comes into the room and he starts going chilling with the big light on

because I'm constantly off the big light on. So that annoys him that I sit there with the big light on when I should turn that off and turn the lamps on.

And he's constantly saying to me when we're in bed, then he's like, Are you finished with the big light yet? And whatever.

And then the very exciting, very exciting thing. Our two dogs sleep in our room at night.
Yeah. And something that has made has come back into our lives after a very long time.

Shane has started to say to the dog again, he gives out to her for a hoo-hoo-in. Oh, yeah.
He hadn't been saying who hooing for a good, I'd say a good five years, and he's starting to say it again.

So, is that hoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, like that?

Yes, and he says to her, stop, give it over with your hoo-hoo-in. What are you hoo-hooing about? I enjoy hearing him say hoo-hoo-ing, and he's back saying it again, and it's very exciting for me.

The question all the listeners have is: Are you sneaking a little vape beside the bed? And when, from the moment you put your head down, when was the last vape? Great question.

The last vape is at the very last second. Yeah.

So we are in bed and we watch, I think it's called Bellard. It's like a spin-off of Bosch.
Oh, I've seen it on the, yeah, I haven't seen it, but I've seen it.

It's come up on an icon that I haven't clicked on yet. It's detectives.
It's detectives getting results

and doing it their own way to get them.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you've got to do that.

They're married to the job. How many apps of the follow-up to Bosch, a show that I've never heard of, which I think this could be you pranking me by just naming maybe.
No, no, it's no prank.

It's no prank. And the Bosch people will know.
Bosch did it. Oh, there was lots of series.
So this is now a spin-off.

with a different character and he we watched it last night and he made a little appearance in it the bosch character so there was a bit of excitement because we had been teased about that this was going to happen.

Also, before this, I put socks in my hair. I forgot to mention.
Socks? Why? Yes, to curl my hair. So see, my hair is curly.
Yeah. So I put socks in my hair last night.

And do you wrap the hair around the socks? Wrap the hair around the socks, yeah. Is this your own thing that you've invented? No, loads of people do this.
What?

And do you sleep with the socks in then? They sleep with the socks and the hair, yeah.

How many socks? Just two. So they're very long, like over-the-knee socks.
Yeah.

And I put them on my head and then I wrap the hair around it. That's interesting.
And then I tie it up and I sleep like that. Okay.
And then I wake up with curly hair.

When you're doing your final vape, are your eyes like closing? Are they literally, do you want, it's got to be the last thing you do? I'd like to know how many seconds between the vape and the sleep.

Yeah, do you know what? So the TV goes off, the lights are off, then there's a little scroll of the phone.

But the scroll of the phone is basically done to excuse the fact that the vape is still on the go. If you know what I mean,

because once the phone gets switched off, like it's crazy then to be still vaping. You know what I mean?

I mean, this is one of my great ideas, Emma, and I have a lot of great ideas, but one of them is the last app that needs to be invented is just a vape app.

So you can surf and then just bring the phone up to your mouth and then just take a sweet hit off that fire wire port. I know.

But I'm sorry, I do connect my cozy to my phone and I listen to YouTube videos while I sleep then. What's a cozy? So cozy is, this is obviously on top of the socks.
I put on my cozy.

It's like my hairband headphones. Oh, wow.
And what YouTube videos are we watching to go to bed to? Well, you see, this is what happens. Obviously, it flicks on through stuff

that I don't choose. So I used, I usually start off with something like, there's this YouTube channel called White Underbelly, and it's a guy who interviews all these people on Skid Row.

So I start with that. And these are all harrowing tales.
And then a lot of the time when I wake up, it's playing something

to do with Mormons, but I don't know how that keeps happening.

So it'll play for all seven hours of you sleeping. Yeah, so the interviews are usually about an hour, and then YouTube starts going rogue.
And I'm obviously well asleep by this point.

Do you not think it's influencing your dreams on some level? It definitely is because some of the interviews are quite harry, and I've had some crazy dreams.

Well, we're not here to talk about your dreams because this day ends as soon as this day ends as soon as you nod off. Which is very quick.
Looking back at it, it's been a pretty action-packed day.

I mean, the

like I feel

you just moved through the interview. Those interviews always tire me out.
I'm kind of tuckered at the end of it, whereas you just plowed on doing other bits. I tell you how I plowed on.

I had that start of the tuna and eggs.

Wow, maybe there is something in this absolute madness. You see, yeah.

I think it's a good day. Yeah, I think Emma's had a good day.
She's had a lot of eggs, a lot of yogurt, a lot of cheese. Yeah, it's a lot to be said for it.
Oh my God, I did have so much.

I forgot that I had the two helpings of yogurt. Now that you say it, I thought you were just getting down on the fruit corner.
I forgot about the jerk. Yes.

We enter everything you say into our mainframe, and then right at the end, now it just comes back with a big printout. I'll post it on to you.
It'll be a box worth of paper. Oh my God.

I literally just ate dairy all day, didn't I?

Emma Doran, thank you for telling us what you did yesterday. Thank you.

So that was Emma Doran's day, David. I mean, it starts so brilliantly.
The vape, the the bum bag, the onion, the tuna, the eggs. It's such a strong start.
How anyone can salvage a day from that start?

I don't know. The vape.

Small wrinkles that I love. Just Damien Duff Park.
Just the

only man people may know from Irish football. And the football pitch is called Damien Duff Park.
Now, apparently, he still may not have sold out tickets for the live show on September the 10th.

Go to HackneyEmpire.co.uk to see me, David, and a special celebrity guest to find out what they did yesterday. Hey, thanks, David.
I'm in it for life, even with my intermittent Wi-Fi.

For the tape, it actually dropped out during this intro.

I'm only on this Wi-Fi for two months, David. Stay with me.
Thank you very much, Max. Please get in touch with us to give us more feedback and fodder for this podcast.

And we will sign off today by leaving you with how to get in touch.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterday pod, and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.

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