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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's episode of Midweek Mayhem brought to you by the people that bring you What Did You Do Yesterday.

I'm Max Rushton and he is David O'Doherty.

Welcome David.

Stop living in the past.

Stop living in yesterday is some advice we must never heed because

we love yesterday and can't get us.

That's what we care about.

Now, I really want to talk about Stevie Martin's tortoise, but we have some big news, David, that we are doing a live show, aren't we?

Oh, sorry.

I thought it was going to be the numerous emails I've received and messages on social media from mixing up mate tea with matcha tea, which I always thought were the same thing.

No, and you know, when you were doing it, I was like, I think this is different, but I'm...

Because I don't know anything, I'm not confident enough to butt in here.

But yeah, they seem entirely...

Because I, when walking around Peru at some point, definitely had some

matcha, and it's not, it's not whatever it is.

You have

mata.

That's matte.

Yeah, that's Peru.

Matcha, I think, is Japan.

Sorry to interrupt the big announcement.

So yeah, if you want to buy tickets for our live show for more of this, for more fumbling in the dark around green drinks, then

Wednesday the 10th of September at the Hackney Empire.

I don't know if you've ever done any live theater work before, David, but it'll be really, I cannot wait.

Tickets go on sale.

Yes, David.

We did an adaptation of James and the Giant Peach in when I was about 10.

I think that was the last time I treaded the boards.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Won't come flooding back.

We've enough people ask for it.

If we completely sell out, David will be dressed as a giant peach.

Tickets go on sale this Friday, 25th of July.

You can find them on the Hackney Empire website, hackneyempire.co.uk.

If you want pre-sale tickets a day early because these will let me tell you these will fly off the shelf you know when Stevie Martin said it's sold out apart from in Colchester and Durham and we'll say our tour is sold out except in Hackney which is the only date we're doing

don't know what's happening in Hackney but they're not interested

yeah pre-sale tickets you can find a link to join a mailing list and we will spam the fuck out of you for your whole life.

Pre-sale tickets are real podcast bullshit, isn't it?

Pre-sale.

What the hell does that mean?

That means you get the chance to get the ticket before anyone else.

24th of July.

You have to join our mailing list in the episode description wherever you get your podcast or on our Instagram at yesterday pod.

Brackets.

Plug this again at the end of the show.

Close brackets.

I don't think we'll need to because we would have sold out before the end of the show.

That's my feeling.

What's really fun, David, is that I keep suggesting absolutely ridiculous ideas.

And I think you're a bit like, I've done quite a lot of these.

I really wish Max would just

let me sort of not take a lead, but just, you know, just wind back.

But you know, I've got some, I want us to perform Hamilton.

I'm in for it.

Yes, Dave.

Just imagine.

So, how many times did you text Gary Lineker to get him to do the episode?

And

just now asking him to eat a wagon wheel live on stage at the Acne Empire

for no money.

Fee, naught pounds.

I haven't done it yet.

I haven't sent the message yet.

I'm biding my time.

I'm trying to find the right moment to say, hey, Gary, could you just come to Hackney?

He loves public transport.

He loves public transport.

We know he's almost done this route when he went to the copper box.

It's not far away.

He knows the route.

He can satiate his love of public transport, walk on stage in total silence, spotlit, eat a wagon wheel as quickly or slowly as he likes and leave.

That would be a great bit of the show.

I think maybe if you'll have to say if there's a great goal in the final of the women's Euros, you know what I mean?

You might be like, great goal.

You text somebody, what a goal.

Actually, that reminds me.

Try to eat a wagon wheel live on stage.

Or do you know what?

Because

it'll be the first match of the day that he hasn't done.

I could text him at like 10.30 on that Saturday night saying, you're probably missing the show it's shit now you're not there but how about

now david can we talk about stevie martin's tortoise i've been thinking about it a lot well that aspect the sound it would make if you stood on it or her using a vibrator to no this is the real thing i've been thinking is

stevie martin i'd not met her before very articulate very intelligent of sound mind but i can't help thinking Love is compliment to all.

I can't help thinking.

When she said, yeah, this woman who ran a tortoise hotel, she just chucked the tortoise in a wine fridge for two months.

And then she told me to use a vibrator.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know if that is a tortoise expert or someone's been taking her for a ride.

That's all I think.

Yeah.

Got really a lot of tortoise memes, etc., coming back from that.

If you haven't listened to the episode it's definitely a real tortoise because at one point she picked it up and just sort of like

like washboarded its shell across the microphone for the tape you can hear in the background uh the family who are through the door to my left uh we are i don't want any spoilers for uh my day yesterday but we are no longer in australia We are in London.

You may have just heard a flushing toilet.

I don't know how much sound is being picked up.

People can definitely hear the water in the flushing toilet moving in a different direction

stuart writes this the tortoise needs to try ohmid jalili's tea

to listeners who haven't yet to listen to that episode the tortoise was experiencing some blockage and while the correct thing to use was obviously a sex toy the ohmed jalili tea

may have also unblocked the Turinus.

Imagine if Ahmed had said, what I do the night before is I take a vibrator.

Anyway,

we have, on the subject of Ahmed's tea, have an email from Rob who says, regarding Ahmed Jalili's tea, which can really, David, only take us in one direction.

Well, no, hang on, I'll stop you right there.

Because

some people will say tea as in gossip.

So it could be Ahmed Jalili's gossip as opposed to tea that makes several kilos of sewage come out of his butt.

Yeah, well, this isn't gossip.

This email.

Hi, Mars Barr, David, and Max.

I've just returned to doing park run after a layoff since February 2020.

My body hasn't adjusted to the new activity and my runs have been hampered with not feeling as empty as I'd like.

The issue came to a brackets turtles, close brackets, head.

Then last week I had to take a detour on lap two to use the park toilets.

It's going to affect your time, isn't it?

I finished the run, but didn't bother getting a time as a PB wasn't on the cards.

I remembered Ahmed Jalili mentioning his magic tea on What Did You Do Yesterday, and I ordered a box.

I recalled him saying, Don't leave the house for two hours after drinking.

The night before the park run, I had one cup of tea and prayed there'd be no dirty protest in the night.

The next morning, there were two vigorous toilet visits.

Then, feeling very dehydrated, I knocked three minutes off the best park run time I've had since returning to it.

I went home, had breakfast,

went off for a haircut, I got back home, had a stand-up we, and then, listener,

I shat myself.

My wife has now confiscated the tea.

Thanks for the show, Rob.

Yet another potential sponsor for this podcast falls by the wayside.

These traumatic listener tales.

It's really strong gear that.

It appears to be.

I'm not, I'm not.

It reminds me of, I once had a colonoscopy and you have to have a drink the day before.

It's that.

That's what you're having.

Oh, anyway.

Now,

some fact-checking has been going on.

This is from Namas Tequila.

According to everything is showbiz.com, David has never talked about his shoulder pain.

He has discussed how laying on one shoulder on the couch made his arm fall asleep asleep in the much-discussed episode 21, Symphony of the Butts, because he and Helen Coppton needed a wider couch.

I smell couch sponsorships for what did you do yesterday in the not-too-distant future.

Hashtag save David's shoulders.

I thought I'd been banging on about the shoulder thing.

Anyway, the new mattress is completely fine.

It looks good.

Exact same as the old mattress.

Just sometimes it's good just to flush 700 quid out of your account for no reason.

It just keeps the pipes moving.

Connor says, thanks to everything in showbiz.com, I've been able to confirm that there have been seven mentions of Sir Ernest Shackleton, which is unbelievable.

It is unbelievable for a comedy podcast based on comedians yesterdays.

You're largely responsible, I think, David.

He's one of your go-to's, Shackleton.

Stephen Roach, 1987 Tour de France with,

the life of Sir Ernest Shackleton.

They are the people I mostly draw inspiration from.

Magnus says, Dear Max and David, earlier this week I was listening to Midweek Mayhem on my bike commute to work.

As I often do, I work in communications in a government ministry.

And this particular morning, I was going to make a couple of videos with the minister.

These days our smartphones are of such good quality that I was using my own phone equipped with a microphone to record, but with no monitor.

Little did I know that my phone was playing your podcast in the background, bleeding into the minister's quite formal address to a small Norwegian minority group.

As I am no sound engineer magician like Marsbar, you are still able to hear some of David's high-pitched squeals of delight somewhere in the background of this official government content.

Kind regards, Magnus.

I wonder what bit it is.

Is it the most boring bit that we've ever done, which is me discussing my 90s jazz promotion career?

No, well, no, the most boring is you and Charlie Baker in the shoes, I think.

But let's see.

I'll tell you what, we'll see.

If suddenly Norwegian government advertising material is soundtracked by Brad Maldow's Blackbird, we'll know that because we know this is influencing a lot of people, this podcast.

You really, you've become such a jazz cat.

Well, let's go.

You're absolutely right.

Sounds like a jazz fan.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Don't worry.

Yeah.

They call me the hi-hat these days.

Ah!

That's such a bad nickname.

No,

no,

Ashbourne, County Meath, says hello, David, the Gaelic spelling.

Yeah,

Max and producer Miles Bar, love the show, not sure why,

but have been listening since day one.

Can easily say I'm in it for life, too.

Having just listened to the Charlie Baker episode where he announced his upcoming tennis match against C.

Biggins, where the excitement was palpable over the chance of taking on a pantomime legend.

Surely it's worth thinking what C.

Biggins' reaction to the draw.

Were they not thinking they would be taking on C.

Baker of Buck Sphiz fame?

Both Cheryl and Biggins are now in their 70s.

Who would win?

I honestly couldn't call it.

I hope we find out if Charlie did, in fact, play Christopher Biggins and who won.

But since it didn't happen yesterday, we'll never know.

Thanks again for all the laughs.

I hope you go on tour soon and we get to hear that top load of remix live.

That's from Noel.

That's a good point because you've also got Chet Baker

As the hi-hat, you will, of course, know the work of.

You know, Chet.

I fall in love too easily.

That's not a bad impression.

I can confirm that Charlie Baker lost 6-4-6-4

to C.

Biggins.

And I'm sad to report it was not Christopher Biggins.

At least he wasn't bageled.

That's the new term I've got from Wimbledon from the lady who lost the final.

She got bageled.

Here's a question from Tom.

Hi, Max and David.

Love the pod.

I think you owe it to the listeners to explain one more time how this podcast came to be.

Although I've been listening to this pod since it started as fans of you both, I find it very hard to believe you were both close enough to decide to start a podcast together.

You mock a potential radio show with Hasselhoff, Zhinla, and Dakovny, whilst not having the self-awareness to realize your own combo is not too far off.

I don't think this has been talked about enough.

David, a respected comedian, a well-travelled man with a real passion for smooth jazz, versus generic man 3, who, although as a great presenter, has really made a name for himself by his obscure recollections of mid-level footballers from the 90s.

To help you guys understand the situation as a listener, I've put together some other podcast combinations which I feel have a similarly odd partnership feel to them.

Romish Ranger Nathan and Helen Chamberlain.

Mickey Flanagan and Robbie Savage.

Dave Chappelle and Sue Barker.

Do you see my point?

It's weird.

You mentioned a lot of times that Max pitched this idea to David, but I, and I'm sure most of your listeners would like to know more granular details of your friendship beforehand, as you must have been relatively close for this to happen.

Otherwise, I'll believe your friendship was only formed for showbiz reasons.

Thanks, Tom.

Wow, Sue Barker and Dave Chappelle.

That's us.

Yeah.

But I can't explain it, David.

Yeah.

You were looking for a bit of crack in Melbourne.

So when I came over for the comedy festival, that was probably the original hookup.

You know what I mean?

We'd never met.

We'd never spoken.

No.

We become friends through ex formerly Twitter, I guess.

We.

Friends is pushing it, isn't it, David?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, what this relationship that we have now.

Now I feel it's a friendship.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But literally most of our conversations ever have been broadcast.

Yeah.

Absolutely right.

I refuse to talk to you if it's not being broadcast.

So you and I met.

I mean, this is an interesting little wrinkle.

Josie Long was there, our friend of the pod.

And what's his name was meant to come, the Scottish soul singer.

Paolo Nettini.

Paolo Nettini.

My friend was Paolo Nettini's road manager.

And so you, me, and Josie Long met in the pub.

And so we invited Nettini in case Nettini was lonely.

Nattini did not attend.

I think possibly someone from his band was there.

One of Paolo Nettini's band was there.

Yeah.

And

that's how this began.

I don't think that will have clarified anything for that list.

No, but the truth is that Paolo Netini brought us together, but at the same time, has ghosted us and has refused pointedly to come on this podcast despite never being asked to come on this podcast.

But we'll try and get Paolo on to thank him for bringing us together.

Hey, David, do you want to play their Just Normal Countries?

Play, I think, is the wrong verb there.

I will listen to it.

Yeah, I will listen to it.

And I'll listen.

I'll please play the jingle again.

It's so good.

I am the one and only.

What country could I be?

I am the one and only.

Where in the world could our listeners be?

That person, I can't tell who or what it is.

They sound so desperate.

They sound in pain.

Don't they?

Stevie Morritin's tortoise pre-sex toy.

Okay, so here we go.

This was, as of, I can't remember which date, there were six countries that have had just one listen on the podcast, to the podcast.

And the incorrect guesses so far, Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, the Northern Marianas Marianas Islands, Bhutan and Brunei.

This comes from Bridget in Melbourne.

Hi David Max and producer Marsba.

Love the pod.

The last guesser said Bhutan, which got me thinking that perhaps the answer is another Himalayan mystical land.

In April I had a wildly patchy internet connection as I walked up to and then down from Everest Base Camp with our kids and other families from home in Melbourne.

Blimey.

How old are your kids?

Yeah.

The thought of taking Ian and Willie.

I mean, it'd be a good day.

We'd only be doing it because it was my day.

But wow.

At some point, to help me distract from dodging yaks and the effort to get oxygen into my lungs, I listened to the episode about David's confession that they were not normal cheeses.

It did the job and made me laugh, but also made me think about delicious cheese at a time when I'd been avoiding ordering any food from the limited options that would have yak cheese in the meal.

So, my guess for a country with one listen is Nepal.

Over to Marsbar.

This is.

I mean, how far into this are we?

We're eight weeks in and no one's got one.

I don't know.

How many listeners in Nepal, Marsbar?

How big are we in Nepal?

I think we had seven when I checked.

Seven weeks.

Okay.

Seven.

This is in Nepal.

We've not cut through.

It's not cut through, is it?

Seven.

We're bigger in Brunei.

Look, it's going along at a merry pace.

That's what I would describe this.

I did have an idea.

Oh, okay.

I'm worried about it.

This quiz could literally run for years.

Like, it's possible it could run for more than three years.

That's good.

I wondered whether at the live show we asked everyone that came to think of a country.

And at times throughout that show, we could just throw to the audience.

And then if anyone got it right, obviously that would be a thrilling moment in the room.

And if we got through all of them on that night, there'd be a huge surprise.

And we wouldn't tell the listeners who didn't come.

And so the only way you could find out the answers to this interminable quiz is by buying a ticket.

Yeah.

And I mean, we have listeners in the States and Australia, and getting to Hackney on September the 10th might be tricky.

But if you don't buy a ticket, you don't win the raffle.

And then they never ever find out what the countries are.

Or is that

too desperate?

No, it's a good idea.

And to even sweeten the deal a bit more, I'll bring a pair of my old underwear, old holy underwear.

And the person who gets right answers gets pairs of my

has

put David's old underwear on.

Too much.

Okay, Max Rushton.

You are back.

We're on the same time zone.

Guy Montgomery time, as it's known, G-M-T.

You have been back now for five days, is it?

Following a 21-hour flight from Melbourne to London with two children.

Something like that.

Four days.

Landed on Thursday morning, and this is Sunday we're discussing.

So So just so you know, David, I've got a new quiz for you, which I'll do right at the end of my day.

Oh,

okay.

And I'm going to say this quiz could also last forever.

What's your question, David?

Max Rushton, what did you do yesterday?

Well, let's begin at 3.30 a.m.

Yes.

You get in.

You've had a great night out.

Willie Rushton has woken up.

Now, Willie Rushton and I are in room 603 of an establishment called The Lensbury in Teddington.

Sounds very posh.

And I think they have aspirations to be posh, but it's not that posh because it's too reasonably priced.

We're in 603.

Ian and Jamie are in 601.

They were the two rooms we got.

I would like to apologise.

to the inhabitants of room 602 for the last

three days.

So I thought, I was thinking interconnecting door.

No, so we wanted two rooms because we've got two small children who may be awake or jet-like at different times.

And we were like, if we split the problem, then at least someone will be asleep at some time.

It's 3.30.

I take Willie to room 601 because he's hungry and Jamie provides the food.

Okay, so she takes Willie back to 603 and I get into bed with Ian in 601.

601 is really the hub, yes, David.

I've got a good joke.

You know what they say?

It's 601 and 603 or the other.

It's good.

Thank you.

That is a good joke.

Well done.

Anyway, I'm pretty awake.

Ian's asleep, but I can't sleep.

As I am lying in bed at 3 a.m., Melbourne Bohemians are playing and I'm getting them minute by minute on the WhatsApp.

We're 2-1-up.

Kerry Robinson has scored two.

Is

Quentin playing?

No, he's injured.

He was injured in the last game that I played before raving.

A 2-1 win over Mariobong.

Anyway,

so that's interesting because he's kind of my replacement, Kerry Robinson.

I'm missing the rest of the season.

And he's scored more goals in this game than I have for the club over three seasons.

But we don't, we gloss over this.

I snooze a bit, but I can't sleep.

Ian has lost Mr.

Carr, which is a furry

car, sort of the size of a, I'd say a pretty big trout.

And

so, but it's right next to him.

But he wakes up in tears because he's lost Mr.

Cubble.

We find him pretty quickly.

But I'm tossing and turning, and Ian, he wakes up at 4.50.

So that is really when the day begins.

Are we edging towards normality?

3.30 is early.

I will say that.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

4.50.

I mean, from the accounts of the past, it would be let's play marbles right now.

Well, 4.50, he's on, and he's so he says, will you turn the light on, and this happens quite a lot.

You turn the light on, he claims it's too bright.

Can you turn it down?

But I can't.

601 does not have the capability to turn lights down.

But I try and explain how your eyes will adjust.

And he's not really on board with this, but eventually he's fine.

And I put on the tiny little spotlights.

For if you were possibly had the time to ever read a book in your life, if you were in them 601, you might, but that's not this situation right now.

Jamie delivers Willie to 601.

She then goes back to 603.

Solo.

Solo.

She's gone back solo to have a bit of time.

And she sort of delivers it in a, can I go back to 603?

But there's not really a question mark at the end of the sentence.

There's very much a, this is the state of play.

And it's fair because we've both had one bad night, one good night.

So she goes back there.

So I have two children and I have some sticky bricks which are like Lego, but they're kind of squidgy.

So they're quite interesting.

They're sort of the size of Duplo, I would say.

And we're playing with them, and you can give them to Willie, and he can shove them in his mouth, and he's not going to swallow them.

So, that's the dream for a six-month-old.

And

Ian has some new toy motorcycles we bought from an excellent kids' charity shop on Teddington High Street, and we are playing with those.

So, this is you know, it's the scene is okay, and I feel okay because the night before I'd fallen asleep at quarter to seven.

So, I, you know,

had some sleep.

Look, I know I'm I know I'm I'm not breaking the rules of the podcast,

but the journey over, we just need one line on it because a lot of the listeners, you did send me a picture

mid-flight of you with a plastered smile is how I will describe it.

Did you ruin the journey back from Australia for up to 30 people?

So, well, there's a couple of interesting things.

One is I have made a sort of hour-by-hour video that Mars Barr is going to put together of the experience from the moment of waking up.

Because remember, it's not when the flight begins, it's when you wake up that day, which was 4.45 a.m., that leads you all the way to landing at Heathrow Airport.

Well, do you remember the

seat issue that we spoke about many months ago?

That we had one seat in the middle.

Yes.

And then, like an arrowhead of assholes, it started with the point.

yeah and then

there were two behind then for you and ian yeah so so as we get on the plane they say look i said look yeah we're we're not sitting together and they're like oh yes but the seat next to you is free so we had so we had three free seats and then jamie had the one in the middle and the two either side of her were a nice australian dutch couple who were like we don't mind We'll sit in the middle.

We'll sit together, whatever.

Anyway, it turned out we sort of, it worked, the seating worked.

That was the Perth to London 17 hours so that was a great moment the next 17 hours were not great they were great for Ian because he went straight to sleep for nine hours amazing but Willie wanted to really soak in the atmosphere of every minute of his first long haul his second ever flight his first one had been earlier that day but his first long haul flight he didn't want to miss a minute do you know like um i think footballers do this thing where they raw dog flights where they just stare at the map and they just do that that's all they did.

Willie wanted to raw dog this flight.

And he also wanted to do it.

He didn't want to give the impression that he was enjoying it the whole time.

So for much of the time,

he decided to scream at the top of his voice.

Now, I found a tiny little back.

Right at the back, I...

I think you're not meant to sit on those.

You know, the seats that the cabin crew sit on with the sort of,

they look like military seats with, you know, big seatbelts.

I found a little one with a dark curtain and then very nicely let me sit there and I quite a couple few times I got Willie to sleep on that and once I got him to sleep on that and I was so desperate for a wee and I was hungry and I was but I just couldn't move because he was asleep and it was like this is the net positive.

He's asleep.

Who cares what's happening?

I can just sit here.

This is good.

And then Jamie just popped past and she tapped me the shoulder and went hi and sort of walked back down the aisle and I didn't have time to go

Jamie

and I couldn't shout because I didn't want to wake Willie and I was so desperate for a wee but she'd gone.

It was a bit like, you know, those people who are stuck on a desert island and the boat comes past and they're waving and waving and waving.

The boat carries on like this and that's gone.

And they're like, oh, my hopes and dreams.

Anyway, it was arduous.

I wouldn't recommend it for anybody.

And it's amazing how quickly your mind forgets these things.

So now we're sort of a week in or a few days in.

It's kind of,

it's past.

Anyway, Jamie comes back into room 601 at 5.30.

So she's only gone half an hour, but she had a good bit of time.

I go to 6.03 to shower.

Shower alone.

It's a great shower.

It's so powerful.

It's like your shower, but one that lasts because the water pump wasn't fitted by Cochrane.

And so I have maybe a...

It might only be a five-minute shower, but it feels just glorious.

You know, and so I shower.

I'm happy about that.

I come back in, bit more playing at 6, because Willie's been up since...

I think I'm not sure.

Yeah, four, whenever it was.

I can't remember.

He needs a nap walk.

Okay, so 6 a.m.

I'm pushing the pram down the Thames Path at Teddington.

And it is

absolutely beautiful.

It is

no temperature, temperature, right?

So it's that's what Jamie calls it, where it's not cold.

You're not cold, you're not hot, you're just perfect, right?

And

there's nobody there.

It's so still, and I'm walking up the Thames Path thinking, why don't I live on the Thames Path in Teddington?

It's feeling a lot.

I get bored very quickly.

quickly, but yes, David.

Part of it must be you back in London, you know, back in the old stomping ground.

I'm imagining the opening sequence of one of the Austin Powers films where just flower sellers are coming out and just dancing with you.

You know, it's great to see you back, Mr.

Rashton.

I mean, obviously, there has been chatter about my return across London, of which I'm certain.

You know, LBC has been going big on it and all those kind of things.

But because it's so, because South West London is a different part of the world, I mean, maybe you probably never ever go there.

But it's sort of, it's sort of insipidly boring as a place, right?

And,

you know, so like the place we're in, it's nice, everyone's nice, but there's no real soul.

And occasionally you get sort of real South West London twat.

So, you know, like you'll be at a reception and then just an old person who clearly no one has disagreed with for 50 years will just walk past you and go, Roger Mahoney's birthday party.

And they'll go, yes, the Wimbledon Room son.

Yes.

And they'll walk off, that kind of vibe.

So it doesn't feel like, because I am, you know, I'm a cockney, David, in not in any real sense.

But that's how I feel.

I'm an East London guy.

So like, I'm,

you know, the hi-hat is East London.

And so I don't feel like we're back yet.

We're in a holding pattern.

It's interesting that

you are so happy there.

You've just described this really boring, serious place.

And Leric Man 3, it's like finally my soul can rest.

Now for the tape, I should mention the background noise, which is no longer children, but it's someone banging because the flat I'm coming in is falling down because it has something called Regent Street disease, which I wouldn't recommend for a steel structure.

I wouldn't recommend you buy this flat if I try and sell it to you anytime in the future.

But

that didn't happen yesterday.

Okay, so it's very calming, and I'm having a really lovely time.

Now, there are two types of nap walk, David.

One is where you just walk and walk and walk, and the baby in the pram, just with the movement, eyes close, and just you know, just drifts off.

They are the dreams.

This is not one of those.

This is one where they get increasingly sad.

They're fine for a bit, and you can see they're thinking about falling asleep, and then they just get incredibly sad.

It's also started raining, so I am underneath a bridge from 6.40

to 7 a.m.

bouncing up a baby.

And what's working at the moment is my bonny lies over the ocean.

And I like to mix up, you know, I'd sort of play around

a little bit, me singing it, bobbing him up and down, singing that for 20 minutes.

He goes down.

That's great.

We're going to walk back to the Lensbury and hit the breakfast buffet right on 7.30 when it starts.

Just interruption on the way back.

No, I think it's, we'll place this as you're under the bridge, like the red-hot chili peppers being sad.

A goose just runs past with me sprinting after it,

shrieking laughter.

So anyway,

we get to the breakfast buffet, and I have to say it's a great breakfast buffet, right?

And especially for when we landed, I had eschewed the

fry up on the aeroplane because I knew I was getting a breakfast buffet.

And when I came, it absolutely delivered.

You know, it was was the right level of dirty.

It was the, but it wasn't disgusting.

It was like, but it was like, you know, it's got hash browns that have as much oil in them as, I don't know, whatever a storm cloud has water in.

You know, like it's holding so, it's like it's extraordinary.

Yeah.

So I've gone dirty fry up day one, porridge day two, kind of veggie fry up day three.

That's been my three breakfasts I've chosen.

So I'm thinking porridge today because

I'm on a fitness journey, which I've been on since I was about 16.

I eat a lot of Ian's crusts and I'm eating more food than I need to.

You know, I'm just letting myself go a little bit.

So I think I'm going to be healthy.

I'm going to go porridge.

But when I open the porridge, it's a bit watery.

You know, it's not the stodge porridge that I'd had two days ago.

That's off the table.

What have you done with Willie?

Have you just, what I'm imagining you've done with him,

you just placed him on top, you know, this sort of

urn that you open up that's full of hash brands you just place sleeping willie in there and just silently close the lid he's in the perfectly shaped ufo fried eggs he's just gone

so he's in a watery bed of scrambled eggs that's where he is

and uh so so jamie makes a good point that i'm unlikely this is my last buffet breakfast of this of the London i'm here till the end of september right because we're doing a live show september the 10th you can pre-order tickets uh by going to our mailing list just find it on the instagram page or the show description notes wherever you get this pickup.

But I am, so this is my last chance to have a big dirty fry-up.

So I go from a healthy porridge to

two sausages, two bacon, two hash browns, beans, fried egg, toast.

Absolutely.

I mean, it's just great.

I'm so just black coffee.

It's a lovely image there.

You've thrown them all into the porridge as well.

Just to keep up the illusion of it being healthy.

Anyone walking by, and you're just pulling puddings and sausages out of it yep okay so now we're going to soft play the lensbury has a soft play this is great what um

so we're the only people in there uh ian's very excited there's some bricks to play with he can push his cars down the slide um

now i say look

jamie you take both the kids i will pack the Volvo, ladies and gentlemen, the Volvo.

I'll pack the Volvo.

So she does that.

I go back to the Volvo

because I have

recently become the face of Enterprise Rent a Car for four days and four days only.

What's this?

Did you ask them for the loan of a car?

Did they listen to the podcast?

They sponsor a segment of my talk book show.

Wow.

Yeah.

The biggest mission of the weekend

with Enterprise Rent-a-Car.

So anyway, they've given me a Volvo gigantic.

Now, if you thought we were in the BPBP age, we have really in the...

This thing will not shut up.

I mean, it's enormous.

It's the size of a house.

And like, it's quite, it's like, you can't reverse it out of anywhere.

Like, if you, wherever you park, you'll come back and you'll be wedged in.

But as we know, I'm an expert in this field with a Subaru.

But with this, suddenly it's a different ballgame.

But

when you're reversing, not only does it have BBBP, it's got a camera with like all the, it's like a live stream of all the cars that are around you.

it's pretty mind-blowing stuff so I pack the uh and the boot you just touch the bottom it goes

like it goes brzwing

like this

so I packed the car um

interestingly I couldn't find the car key for ages and I was like oh shit I've lost the car key and I text Jay goes do you know the car keys she's like I have no idea I turned the place inside out and then she says oh I put it in the safe so it was good she'd done that but it'd be great if she'd told me half an hour earlier um

and i would have really liked if one of your children had swallowed it and then the only way to open the car was to just lift the child and

squeeze them like a like an accordion wave it toward yeah

unlock the car you squeeze their belly and to just do the boot you just have to it's just stern them that's where the boot is um okay so we're all ready we're back i'm back at soft plate now Jay is going to take Willie on the train and I'm going to take Ian in the car.

That's how we're doing it.

Because

Willie doesn't like the car.

And it's, you know, so the train is nice.

So she walks off to Teddington Station to get to Waterloo.

Ian and I do a final sweep of the room and then we get back in the car.

And we I promise to show him Buckingham Palace.

And I accidentally drive the wrong way, so we don't go to Buckingham Palace.

And he's a bit disappointed about that.

He falls asleep.

This is exciting.

Like, he doesn't have a nap, but you know, he's jet lagged, so fine.

He falls asleep.

I sit outside

my flat and I do some work because I've got football weekly the next day.

So I'm poodling around on the laptop, sitting in the flat, he's asleep.

From your description of the Volvo, I am imagining a sort of chauffeur type of thing where he's maybe 10 meters behind you.

and he's dozed off.

And so you've gone,

all right, Mr.

Ian, this is Buckingham Palace.

And you've turned around and he's completely asleep.

He's completely asleep.

But he's got a Murray Mint and a small bottle of water.

And the car

absolutely reeks of cologne.

Like, just way too much.

And Febreze, a coagulated mix of the two.

Anyway, we're getting to my flat, very nostalgic, not been here for a year.

And

it needs some TLC.

No one is painting its railings.

Let me tell you that.

In fact, it is, as I was mentioned, it's falling down.

But that's okay.

Jamie arrives with Willie.

We go to Waitrose at the end of the street.

We miss Waitrose,

and they've moved the tills, and they haven't told us.

There's been a whole, they've widened the aisles, they've moved the tills of Barbicane Waitrose.

It's quite the

talking point among the family, the adults in the family.

We really are.

Well, we're talking about this.

The nice man who stands outside, who's a Spurs fan, gives us some kids' book from his stalls because he's happy to see us.

He says, Have this book for your kids.

Love it's really sweet.

Oh, London.

It's so good.

That's London.

We just need to know.

Presumably, someone's been staying in your flat.

Have they wrecked it or does it look okay?

Because I have to come back, like for tours and stuff, it's on a kind of short-term rental, you know, with anybody I can get in from anything.

I give it to a company to do.

And so people haven't wrecked it, but it's just got that vibe of, hmm, no one's taken that balsamic vinegar out.

And somebody would have done if they lived here for more than four days.

That's the sort of, that's the vibe.

Yeah, I just need you to know that when I think of it, it's just

the

soccer AM glory years.

There's just wardrobes with dusty, super dry t-shirts in there.

You know, it's very much.

Do you know what?

Do you know what?

It's unbelievable you say that because I am currently wearing what can only be described as a dusty, super dry t-shirt that I got out of the wardrobe this morning.

Thank you.

It smells so musty, but that is absolutely sensational.

So the two, the downstairs toilet or the cold toilet, I mean, it's all on the same floor, but

that is rammed with our shit.

So I unlock that and sort of push it open.

I find two fans that are covered in dust because no one's opened that cupboard in 11 months and neither of them work.

So I chuck them out.

There's another cupboard which has got my golf clubs in and then just everything that we just shoved in the cupboard before we moved to Australia because it was quite a rushed job.

We didn't really have time to pack it up.

So that, when you open it, it sort of falls on top of you and every time i come back i go i'm going to address this cupboard and then i go oh i shut it and i get more masking tape and i just hope that somehow someway from osmosis that was taken out clearly i don't need anything in there because i haven't touched it for three years get some of ian's toys out of the dusty cold toilet he is very excited with the hot wheels um

so uh that's good then i wore i go to we all go to fortune street park that's been renovated too it's excellent Wow.

I see a celebrity.

I see Mrs.

H, who does Mrs.

H sing-alongs on Exmouth Market.

Honestly, she's absolutely brilliant.

So download and listen to her if you have kids.

Her stuff is great.

Then one of our oldest friends, Anna, comes to meet us for a coffee with her son and her partner, David, who's also a great friend of ours.

It is lovely to see an old friend because I miss my friends enormously when I'm in Australia, as you can imagine.

Ian's on his balance bike.

Willie's now on top of Jamie in the house for his long afternoon nap.

Okay, so Jamie and Ian are out of the picture.

Jamie and Willie are out of the picture.

It's me and Ian and a balanced bike.

Anna and David, their son as well.

We have a coffee and then we go to the White Cross tap and we sit in the beer garden and I have three pints and it is in the sun.

And it is

three o'clock, half three.

So are you having been up now for nearly 12 hours?

Yeah.

Is there a danger to three pints here where you could like

just go for a you know, the newspaper just collapses on top of this?

I know that's what you're like, yeah, we'll get to that.

So, uh, we order some pizzas.

Um, Ian has some pitter bread, doesn't really want the hummus.

Ian and Anna and David's son have an interesting conversation over the definition of what a toy.

It's a Vesper, and Ian wants to call it a moped, and uh,

Anna and David's son wants to call call it a motorbike, and they have a steaming row for about an hour going, No, it's a moped, no, it's a motorbike.

But I really enjoy it.

At the end of this argument, what I want is

because Ian's been in Australia, it ends with a, that's not enough, this is enough.

He's a sort of mini crocodile Dundee type character.

He is.

And anyway, so that is really nice.

Jamie comes with Willie.

It's nice to see everyone.

We're all happy.

Then suddenly all the kids are a bit tired.

It's time to go home.

So, I don't finish the third pint.

I've had two pints of lager and one pint of Landlord, and I leave maybe the last third of that.

It's back into the flat, it's bath time, the bath, the plug doesn't work, but I fixed the plug.

And I have a hundred percent record of fixing plugs, as people know.

Wow.

So, I'm very excited about that.

Ian and Willie are both in the bath together.

That's fun.

We get them all ready for bed.

I don't think I eat anything else.

But, you know, my health, my start to my fitness plan is a massive fry-up and three pints and one and a half pepper-only pizza.

So it's not the dream start to that.

It's given.

But we're really excited because we've been for the last few days in these two hotel rooms.

We haven't really had an evening together, me and Jamie.

So we're like, let's get the kids down and then we'll have a bit of an evening.

Jamie wants to go for a walk.

That's nice.

I'm thinking I might go for a run.

Jamie puts Willie down in the dark room and I take Ian up to bed in our bedroom it's about 10 to 7

and Ian drops Ian drifts off and I drift off and

so there's no walk for Jamie

because

I am asleep and well at the moment we can't on a high bed a bit risky to leave Willie rolling around you know you just don't want to hear that bump like a tortoise hitting the floor yeah it is what it would be I wake up at half past nine and I think that's when we do a swap no no no no.

Half past nine, I wake up and I'm a bit awake and I think, oh, I haven't really done enough prep for Football Weekly or this pod.

I do a lot of prep for this one.

But, you know, I get the emails in the right order.

So I do a bit of work on my phone in the bed, fall asleep again.

10.30 p.m.

Jamie comes in with Willie, says we need to swap.

That's fine.

So I go downstairs and I get in with Willie.

I watch.

the highlights of the women's Euros quarterfinals that I haven't seen.

France, Germany, what a game.

Amazing save from the Germany keeper.

In that sense.

Interruption.

Yes, David.

Deepest, most conf you know, I have this thing where when I wake up sometimes, I can't remember who I am

or what language I speak, etc.

The deepest version of that is now maybe'cause you're a few days in, but is post trip to Australia or New Zealand.

Where but it's when you've got the two hours sleep and you wake up kind of like you've just been threatened.

you know what i mean so you jump up out of the sleep and just start like punching the air around you i am i uh i've had some weird dreams where basically i keep dreaming that i'm responsible for somebody's death but i've got away with it and then someone says there's going to be an inquest and i wake up like in absolute terror And I don't think that that has happened in my life.

I'm pretty certain I'd remember this moment.

But I keep having this anxiety dream that they're going to have an inquest.

And I'll be like, oh, that's going to be enough.

it's going to be annoying so i'm putting that down to jet lag it's the key difference between your australian dreams which are just all like bouncers dream from neighbors they're just very gentle whereas your london dreams are like police procedural they're like episodes of adolescence what it is funny is that there is we were saying this morning There's a sort of default setting in Melbourne that people are sort of happy until they're made unhappy.

And okay, today it was pissing down the rain when we were walking this morning.

But and it's commuter.

It's not like we're in, you know, Victoria Park in the summer, you know, in the sun when we're happy.

But there is a sort of base unhappiness.

And, you know, you need to be made happy here.

That is, that's what's seemingly the difference.

It's sort of similar places, similar vibe.

But that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd say the same thing with gigs.

When I do gigs in Australia,

the audience are sitting there thinking to themselves, oh, I bet this is going to be good.

Whereas in London, they're sitting there going, it's probably going to be shit.

But I do miss that energy.

I miss that energy.

The first time we,

after moving to Australia, we came back for the first time after about 10 or 11 months.

And

Ian was tiny and we were, you know.

You get stopped with a pram in Melbourne all the time with people saying, oh, what's that?

This is cute.

We literally, we turned around Old Street Roundabout, bummed into someone their way to work.

The first thing, someone just went, oh, fuck off.

And it it was just like straight in.

That was like, welcome back.

It was really good.

Anyway, 10:30 p.m.

I swap with Jay, come down, I watch the highlights of the game, and then like he drifts off, I drift off.

And that I would say is the end of that's the end of that day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, you did say you were going to have a quiz for me.

Ah, yeah.

Here's a quiz.

Do you want the quiz?

During the Teddington days, as they're now called,

I saw a comedian putting up a poster for a show.

I thought he's quite big, he's quite big.

You know, I don't think you put up your own posters, David, but I thought, that's interesting.

He's putting up a poster.

Yeah.

And a pretty famous English footballer also walked past me.

I would like you to name both, but I'm never going to tell you if you get one right.

You're going to have to keep going until you get both.

For God's sake.

But it's quick, isn't it?

It's a quick quiz.

Just ends the thing.

You go bling and bling, you know.

So, no clues.

I'm taking no clues whatsoever.

I just want you to say Michael McIntyre,

Jude Bellingham.

I'm going to the current player, did you say?

I can't give you any clues.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Okay, I'm going to say...

Just imagine, hang on, hang on.

Just imagine if you got this first time.

It would be absolutely insane.

Okay, Nish Kumar and Glenn Hoddle.

Incorrect.

Okay.

I look forward to playing again next week.

There's something in you with all of these games.

You don't understand

games.

A game isn't.

I'm thinking of a word.

Try and guess what the word is.

No clues.

That's not really a game.

There needs to be more jeopardy.

People need to see an end point.

Like they need to see.

I'll tell you this or another thing.

me and my friends used to play a game called think of a thing right literally it could be anything anything it could be the most detailed thing about it could be like the silver token from the crystal dome on the crystal maze right you know you could think of anything right and we were once driving across australia this is 2006 and i'd thought of something and my friend i think it was ollie said prunella scales and it was and so there therein lies

how these games are still officially games.

I'll get you to think of a thing eventually.

But so far, it's just a comedian and a footballer.

It's just a quiz for you.

It's not for anyone else to play.

We will keep planning till you get the two.

Yes.

I liked that day.

I enjoyed you returning to the old

Rushton residence.

I enjoyed you noticing the widening of the aisles in Waitrose.

Listeners and I did that for you to welcome you back.

Thank you so much.

With the Pram, you would need just slightly wider aisles.

We were willing to do that.

Does it feel good to be back now that you're coming back into the land of the living?

Yeah.

Oh, massively.

Yeah.

I miss home.

I miss home.

It was lovely to see some people.

I'll be seeing my parents, my sister, in about an hour.

That'll be lovely.

They'll meet the grands, the grandchild.

Oh, my goodness.

Never met Willie, so they'll meet Willie.

And then my mum will get a piece of paper saying, Now, I've got the diary and we'd like to see you every day for the next two months for 10 hours.

Yeah, so that'll be great.

And I'm going out with some friends tomorrow night.

Yeah, yeah.

Very exciting.

This isn't where we're basing ourselves.

So it'd be good to get, you know, to fill the Volvo once again, to beep beep the Volvo, which I got from the excellent Enterprise Rented Cut.

And

get in our location, get set up, and then

plane save you for two months.

Yeah.

Thanks for having me back.

As the boss of England, I allow you to come back and it's great to have you over there in England.

We shouldn't detain you any longer.

It sounds like you've got a genuinely exciting afternoon in front of you.

Well, you say that.

We'll see how it goes.

But yes, it sounds like you want to end the podcast before we've done an hour.

Are we allowed to?

That's about

59 minutes.

Hey, David, we've got a live show on the...

10th of September at the Hackney Empire.

Did you know?

We've booked a guest, haven't we?

We've booked a guest.

We can't say who it is.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we have booked a guest.

It's a good one.

It's a good one.

You'll be trying to book other guests, but ultimately,

I'll sort out the guest, I would imagine.

You will aim slightly too high.

You'll be like, what if we get Paul McCartney and Ringo back in with John Lennon's son and

George Harrison's son?

I'll put in a few texts.

Find out what Taylor Swift did yesterday by coming to the live show at the Attenborough, 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets on sale on Thursday.

Please join our mailing list.

It'd be lovely.

It would make us feel good if we sold some tickets on Thursday.

Our Instagram is at yesterdaypod, or the description will have how you sign up for that on the pod description.

I'm not sure anyone ever reads the notes in a pod description, so I'm skeptical that you will.

But do it this time.

It's good to have it the first time.

Hey, thanks, David.

Thanks for doing this podcast.

If you would like to get in touch with us for the podcast, this is how...

Oh, yeah.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Welcome home.

Welcome home.

Thanks so much.

Hello.

Ms.

russian has just hovered into view behind you what a beautiful moment do you want to say anything to david in the mic into the microphone

why why because that's how the podcast works it's the end of the yeah

no

what do you want me to do with this baby just look after it look at the baby okay i'll look after it

sorry to the listeners what a perfect ending to this mrs russian has just walked in and placed is it a sleeping baby or is it a waking baby that's directly

into my co-host's arms?

Oh, there's some open eyes.

Oh, that is a smile I am getting through the Zoom.

And he loves your early work.

He loves your beeps, 2007.

That's what he said.

Bye, Rushtons.

See ya.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure, the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She has to live with us and a baby 24-7 has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you.

goodbye.