S3 EP5: Stevie Martin

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

I'm Max Rush and David O'Doherty over there.

Hello, David.

For the tape,

we have just recorded it and it just brings me such joy.

A lot of people, so we're talking to Stevie Martin today, and Stevie didn't realize that this podcast spans the globe, me in Dublin, you in Melbourne, and we're recording it early on a Monday morning, and you were just drinking a glass of red wine, and it was only afterwards where you told her you were in Melbourne, and you weren't just a man who cruises up to his 10 a.m.

podcast recording.

It's a bohemian Soho man from the 60s who just started his day with a bottle of Shiraz.

Yeah.

So obviously it's a classic episode.

It is a booking of mine, one of my old friends from comedy, someone who I've spent a lot of time with at Edinburgh and just on the circuit, who I've seen and around and about.

Stevie

Martin.

I've known her for a long time.

Obviously, you've known her for longer than me, Max, but

people may know her from the recent, I'd say the breakout star of the recent series of Taskmaster.

She was in a sketch group called Massive Dad.

The reason I met her first was they were in university with Ed Gamble and Nish Kumar, previous alumni.

You might know Stevie from the Don't Panic podcast that ran for a long time.

Her amazing sketches with Lorna Rose Treen that have been on YouTube.

She is going to be on tour this winter with her show Clout, a very, very fun comedy show.

And she did say that no one in Colchester or Durham is coming.

So if we could fill the rest of it seems to be sold out for some reason, those two specific hotspots.

So if you could buy a ticket and go to one of those apps and then say to her, I bought this because of what did you do yesterday, the power of this podcast will grow even more than it has.

But yes, it is important for the tape to say she's basically sold out apart from the miserable people of Durham and Colchester.

This is what Stevie Martin

did yesterday.

Stevie Martin, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello.

I'm so happy to be here and slightly concerned because yesterday was a sunday which is my quotation mark boring day brilliant and it's good that because we rarely get sundays can i can i say something interesting which is i was in the pub on saturday with my friends devo and christy we were talking about this podcast and they said do you know who you should get on the podcast bearing in mind they had everyone to choose on earth and they said get stevie martin on I would really have enjoyed that if you'd have said to someone else.

I'd have been like, yeah, yeah.

It would have been better.

Yeah.

Johnny.

Also, don't believe that, Stevie.

He butters all the guests up with that anecdote at the start of all of our episodes.

I said, you won't believe this.

It would have been better if I had said Peter Sissons.

Russell Crowe

is such a crowd.

I used to love him and Michael Burke.

They've just been giving us the news in a non-problematic way.

We continue to hope.

Stevie, what time did you wake up yesterday, please?

I woke up at 8.30.

This is a new thing.

The house I've moved into is the lightest house on the planet.

So there's no way I can't be awake.

It's also the hottest place on earth.

I'm normally, I'd say, 9.30.

That'd be pretty good for me.

But yeah, no, it's now, sometimes it's even 8.

And I'm fuming.

So I was fuming.

So 8.30.

Sorry, David.

Sorry,

I have two small children.

Listeners will know.

The thought of being upset about being woken at 8.30.

I don't want to get, we've never met, Stevie.

And so I don't want to be answered.

Don't get judged on me.

i don't want to get annoyed you this early but to be annoyed yeah because you're woken up at 8 30 you're on a different journey that's all i'm set you're on a different i'm on a different journey and the journey is purely i don't have kids that's literally surely

no i know i'm aware of my i don't even it's not privilege i don't know what it is teenagerdom up until 2022 when i changed my life the great shift as it's known i i was up at 10 if it was before 10 i was fuming so right okay I'm a real night out.

I'll go to bed at like 3.

Just all of our Irish listeners will have enjoyed that because in Ireland, a shift is when you make out with someone in a nightclub.

That's I can't talk about it.

The great shift of 2022 was.

I was making out with so many people.

I had to get up at 10 because I was just so exhausted.

You've never got off with anyone better.

It was the best ever getting off

between two people.

People don't say getting off now.

Yeah.

Chatting to or pulling or they say something.

They say a getting with, but I've had to explain to people that when I say getting off or got off with someone, it just means

like it doesn't mean any more than that.

Of course, because got off means something completely.

Yeah, I was just jacking off with someone.

Last night I wanked off with so many people at the club.

If that wasn't yesterday, we can't ask you about it, Stevie.

It wasn't.

So does the dog wake you up?

I know you're in possession ownership of a dog.

I am in possession of you.

Is that the individual that wakes you up at 8.30?

No, so she's crate trained.

So she's in a lovely crate, a little safe crate that she loves.

So we let her out.

Interruption, interruption.

Crate doesn't sound friendly.

No, it doesn't.

It sounds awful, doesn't it?

Are they locked in the crate?

Can they go in and out of the crate of their own free will?

Already we're on controversial ground.

There's Reddit threads being like, it's dog abuse.

To to be honest, there's a Reddit thread saying that petting your dog is dog abuse.

So like, I just don't.

So, no, I would never have done this, but she, when we got her, was already crate trained or whatever, which is basically they just have a safe place they can go to when they're scared that is theirs.

And you do like lock them in at night, but she's really happy.

Like, she's really happy.

And also, it's a godsend when, for example, my partner's doing a, was doing a play and he takes her to the theater and he takes her little travel bed and you say bedtime and she just goes in and like curls off.

And if she's scared of something, um, she'll like go in, so it's like a little safe place for her, but yeah, and you get it out nicely because my image of a crate is you've just sort of decayed from, yeah, yeah, or no, you've hammered, it's like a wooden box, and you hammer it shut, kind of like a magician before the dog magically appears somewhere else.

But the dog does it, that's the thing.

You say to the dog, you're a magician's assistant, eventually you'll be getting out, and then 10 hours later, you claw hammer it open every morning.

That's that's what we have to do.

Constant magic in the morning,

terrible.

No, we've decked it out nicely.

She's got loads of little blankets and pillows, and a toy in there.

And sometimes she has a carrot, you know, like it's a nice vibe.

So, no, she doesn't wake us up.

That's nice.

The sun, Helios, wakes me up.

That's what I've got.

Okay, okay.

So, what do you do?

Do you jump out of bed or do you lie in there in a furious rage?

Yeah,

I'd say you pop up and you're sort of shadow boxing, you know what I mean?

against the shadows of the Sun and you're like

you scream come on out the window.

Let's motherfucking go.

Let's dance, bitch!

Yeah, I'm fuming whenever I wake up.

If it's for a job that's fun, I sometimes don't mind it, but if it's just like I just want to be lying in at all points, so I can't stand it.

So I'm trying this new thing where I don't go on my phone immediately.

But that means I lie in bed for like 45 minutes, sort of twitching, not quite knowing what to do.

And I know you meant to journal, but I can't.

That's too wanky.

I can't do it.

I'm embarrassed of myself.

Do you have like a pen and paper like near you?

Like, do you have the aspiration of journaling?

Oh, wow, really?

It's got like leaves on it.

The journal is there.

Yeah.

I got given one free with a book that said, woman is power.

And I used that for a bit, but I was too embarrassing.

to throw that away.

This has just got leaves on it.

Oh, and also green pen.

I made notes for this podcast that I i can't read yeah i find journaling very difficult i like the idea of it but it is whenever i've done it it's just me complaining then i put myself in a bad mood what are you supposed to you know i've attempted to do it as in just whatever it is just let it all out

but a lot of the time it comes out like really underdeveloped seinfeld type observational material you know where i'll just be like what about if your house was made of the same stuff that an iron is made of, then you could just get dressed and lie on the floor and it would take the crumples out of your clothes.

And I finish it and I'm just like, I don't think that did any of us any good.

This is just bad gear.

But I feel like that's what I wish my journaling, whenever I do it, was, whereas mine is like a child being like, and then I ate this and then I went and walked the dog and then I came back and then I went to bed.

And then I'm reading like, that's not doing anyone any good either.

Although you have just you have perfectly described what this podcast is.

True, true, yeah.

Yeah.

So you lie in bed then.

We lie in bed.

We contemplated the injustice of having woken up at 8.30 by that prick, the sun.

Yeah.

When do we stretch those pins for the first time?

When we stretch them pins, well, I've started now unlocking the dog from her apple crate and she jumps onto the bed.

And then that's when the day starts because she's very cute.

She likes to kind of get the in any sort of room, she likes to get the smells of the room on her body.

So she just forward rolls all over the bed, and there's all little like nose spreads, quite like woo!

And then I feel, and then I'm like, okay, so she probably needs to go out, so then I will take her for a little walk, a little stroll around the block.

Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice way to have something you have to do.

Similar to

Max, who has to go for four pram walks a day to try and get various children to sleep.

Are you out in your pajamas?

Are you consuming anything before we're just out into the sunshine with the crated dog?

Great dog.

With the crated dog in the crate, me just pulling it around.

I've started trying to, but I don't like it, so I'm kind of like really struggling with it.

There's this like powdery green juice, so I've started to try and have that in the morning, but it's quite an effort.

It's the Hule version of that AG1.

That's like, I used to do a podcast and we got sponsored by AG1 for like a day before they they were like this is not this is not working who are they who's a g1

athletic greens right and it's like that podcast smartless with Jason Bateman is that his name and Sean I want to say Sean Hughes but it's not I've forgotten his name Sean Bean Sean Bean Bean

It's the guy from Will and Grace who's the great like theatre actor Sean Curley.

Is it Sean Curley who won a gold medal with the Great Britain hockey team in Soul 88?

Yeah, and he was also in Will and Grace at the same time.

They're always talking about, well, Jason Mayman's always talking about AG1, like he's obsessed.

So when we got sponsored by it, I was like, oh my god, it's like nutritionally everything you could ever need.

So I was like, great.

So I had it for a bit, and then I was like, right, I'll just buy it.

And it's like so expensive that I just couldn't.

So the Huell one is less expensive and I don't like it as much.

So I don't have it as much.

So I don't have to buy it as often.

It's quite gritty and it like condenses into little balls and you sort of have to be like, oh,

when you're like, I don't like this.

I don't like this at all just have an old poached egg or something oh i'll do that as well okay so this is just the beverage this is pre-walk got it so that i've like had something

i don't think he will are going to sponsor your podcast given that you say yeah

it's the best way to dry wretch in the morning

it is it is hideous it smells disgusting okay so i was like i don't have a podcast anymore so i don't need this one okay fine i just needed to give it to me every seven weeks a tiny pouch that i like work through so close.

It's just because

I fear death, so I've got to do something.

But yeah, so I have that and I'll walk the dog sometimes with that in a little water thing,

known as a bottle.

So that I've got something, but then the dog will do a shit and I'll be like, oh no, no, I've got like something I'm putting in my mouth and now I'm picking the dog's shit.

There's a lot I thought I've never quite figured out how to do that.

I'm constantly getting it wrong and putting the dog's shit in my mouth.

Stevie, it's tough

when the only receptacle you have and your dog does a turd is a bottle to get the turd in the bottle.

But it is nice because you can seal it up and put it on the mantelpiece.

And for years, it's an old Japanese tradition, isn't it?

Look at it.

How did she get the turd in the bottle?

That is.

Where do you go on the walk?

There's like basically a little block, there's like a little square near me, so I just go like around, like it's about 10 minutes.

Sometimes, if the tide's out, because I live by the sea, I'll go on the beach, but the tide is different every day, which is not something I realise.

This is a science podcast.

This is exciting.

Do you meet the same crew down with their dogs too?

No, we used to live somewhere where that, when I was sort of living in London, it would be the same people every day, which is both a blessing and a curse because it's lovely on one hand, but at the same time, like if you don't get on with them, you do see them like three times a day every single day.

And that is quite different.

So, you know, it's sort of different.

And there's like a little coffee shop that I will go to most mornings, but I didn't go there yesterday.

I went to a different one.

Oh, God, yeah, no, I've been talking about like what I normally do.

I went on a different walk yesterday.

Wow, okay.

And I stopped off at a different coffee shop and bought a more expensive coffee.

So

what's your coffee?

This is big.

Oh, you'll hate this.

Oh, you don't know yet if I'll hate it.

No, you will.

I can't have caffeine because

when I have caffeine, I'm not exaggerating.

I appear like I'm high.

I'm like, I'm on something.

Like I'm really unpalatable as a person.

How long did it take you to work that out?

Did you have like years, like 10 years?

And then also at about four o'clock, I'd have a full panic attack every day.

But like, I guess there's no way of solving this.

And then someone was like, Have you ever tried not having caffeine?

And I was like, That's can't be it.

And then I didn't have coffee and was like, Oh fuck, this is so much better.

Yeah, I tried not having coffee there a few weeks ago for a few days, and immediately 10 things were better in my life.

Yeah.

And then I just went back to having coffee again afterwards because it's delicious and lovely.

Yeah.

And it does give you a perk but you are slightly wired for a few hours especially with the helencopter makes the french press with god knows how many shovels of of brown gravy in it so yeah yeah my partner has the french the press thing and he will put so much in and he i don't sleep very well so like That was the other thing that changed massively.

I sound so boring, but that is, it wasn't like I stopped having coffee and then suddenly I was amazing at sleeping, but it's just better.

But he can have like like nine coffees and be absolutely fine i don't really understand like jack reacher that's like jack reacher he is jack reacher yeah he'd love that

so i have matcha for my sins iced matcha with i've got to have something fun in it so there's one that the coffee place near me does which is great which is weird it's just got like strawberry jam on the bottom of it like that shouldn't be okay but it's actually delicious it's not a coffee this is it it's not it's not a coffee it's a little trifle

And then yesterday I had something I've never had before.

I was like, oh, so brown sugar, please.

And then they put like a brown sugar syrup in it.

I was fucking delicious.

Yeah, it was really about eight pounds, but so good.

Stop the podcast.

I thought matcha had more caffeine in it than tea or coffee.

Like, I just know the South American footballers have all been drinking it for years.

And when their teammates would take a sup, they'd be like, that's disgusting.

But now it seems to have moved into the likes of Stevie Martin.

It is caffeine.

And I should have made this very clear, but it's a very something about it.

And I'm someone who likes to do research and then get bored immediately.

So I stopped reading after like the headline.

It was like, oh, it's a better type of caffeine.

So you don't get the spike and you don't get the kind of withdrawal.

And I don't remotely get wired or weird.

It just like gently allows me to function.

When you tried it first, were you like, this is disgusting?

Oh, awful.

That's why I've got jam in it.

I've got to have anything in it.

Now, if I have normal matcha with nothing in it, it does, it tastes like you've

blended up moss, moss with soil in it.

Like, it's really like, there's no like smooth, it's like, ah, like, it's really like, ah, you know, when you have like 90% dark chocolate, it just tastes like the flattest taste in the whole world.

Yeah.

It's that.

There goes another one of our potential sponsors, Mike.

Oh, sorry.

All dark chocolate deal.

The matcha deal, the dark chocolate deal.

They're all ruined.

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Rules and restrictions apply.

You've had your sort of dry-rich and cule, and then you've had a cup of moss.

Iced moss.

I mean, I sound great.

Yeah.

So I'm painting a picture.

You're now holding an iced cup of moss.

With a dog shit in it.

And you've got a bottle of water with a dog shit in it and a dog.

This is where we are, right?

Yay!

Okay, perfect.

To give it some flavor, if you just dunk the shit into the matcha, just briefly.

Just dink and we're ready to go.

Give it a little biscotty, a shit scotty.

Good.

Lovely.

Let's take that to dragon's den

i've bought some samples for peter jones to try

okay right so we've got all these we've got many things and we are heading home is it a lot yes so yesterday we went back because the tide was in because i got surprised again

i was like but it was out yesterday it's like yes that is the nature of the moon and the tides so we came back in and then we went immediately back out to have a fry up at this cafe that i really like well no, I say I really like it.

I really wanted to go to to a long for a long time.

It's like a bit of an institution and the place that I live.

I've never been.

The dog sometimes gets bored in cafes and we're trying to work on it so she can't come into a cafe until she's until she doesn't get like bored after 20 minutes and you start barking because I can't be asked with that.

Right, okay.

So do you take the crate with you or you tie her up outside?

Oh god, neither of those things.

I just went back home, put her back in the house, gave her some food so she could eat her food in a little puzzle, which she like, she kind of bashes with her paws and then like noses around.

She's a thousand piece.

Botticelli's birth is Venus.

Some pedigree chum, and we're all off for a set six.

Oh, this is very clever.

As the worst dog owner of all time, Stevie just got the dog home, buried the dog in the ground.

I'll dig you up in a few hours.

There's the jigsaw sorted out.

We're going for a fry.

I mean, it's quite a leap from this immensely healthy food,

and I'm saying that in italics and inverted commas, to then just like eating 35 sausages, you know?

Yeah, well, this is why I think it's misrepresentative so far because I'm not like a particular health knot or anything.

It's just, I've just like, I just do some things.

You know, I can't have coffee because I look like I'm on drugs.

And the hule thing is my fear of death.

Like, it's not like I'm.

No, I know exactly what you mean.

Whenever I do a pram walk up the high street, I always buy a bottle of something for like $5 called immune, immunity or defense, and I buy a carrot and I eat them.

And then I can eat a full Tony's Chocoloni's and have two glasses of red wine at night because I've had a carrot.

I had Tony's Chocoloni's last night.

That's what we're going to get to.

Spoiler alert, but I look forward to that.

Spoiler alert.

Sorry.

And I do like that.

So you can be sponsored by that because that's delicious.

It's like wonka chocolate.

But it's all about balance, isn't it?

You can't be too, well, you can very easily be two one way or two the other way.

But I don't, I very firmly refuse to be too healthy because I think then life would be the most boring thing in the whole world and also Sunday is Sunday's fry up day Sunday we tend to go out on a Sunday for brunch or breakfast or something okay so this is nice this is nice thing to do you and your partner you are in the cafe in the cafe have you got the papers have you got the observer we did have the papers because they had papers there

like a sasta something it was like i mean it wasn't 16 pounds but it felt like it was like it's like a five or something i was like what the fuck is what?

Sure, it should be a pound.

Stevie's just sitting there with the Express, just shaking her head.

God, they are taking this country for a ride.

That is absolutely outrageous.

Actually, it's my fault because I've just signed a new deal another three years hosting the Guardian Football Weekly, and I've asked for specifically the money that you spend on the Satellite Guardian to come straight to me.

So that's mine.

It's going to a good cause.

That's fine.

It would be easier if you just did a bank transfer.

You won't get the payments.

yeah.

Probably, yeah, okay, that's fine.

Okay, so this is what an um Dyllic scene, and this is lovely.

So, you've got the papers, there's like free papers there.

I was really excited to try.

I think we've now tried every sort of breakfasty place in the area, and there is a lot of breakfast places.

This was the last one, and it was the nicest one.

I think I found my one that I will now.

So, the caffeine thing is also because of my bad stomach.

So, I can't really, I can't have eggs, but I can't have dairy.

So, I have, and I'm a vegetarian, so I have veggie sausages, two eggs, beans.

I had three hash browns.

I had bubble and squeak, which I think I hate it when they do that because that's not, it wasn't bubble and squeak because I don't know what bubble and squeak is, but I know that bubble and squeak isn't mashed potato with peas in it, which is what I had.

All right.

Alongside the hash browns.

Yeah, so it was like an overwhelming amount of potato.

And because I didn't realize Bubble and Squeak would be potato, we had, you could get chips as well.

So we had like, we just shared some chips.

So it was basically like a potato fest.

I love it.

You can have as many sauces as you like and no one judged because i like to have basically one of every source i like brown sauce mustard ketchup and mayo and then i'll also put salt and vinegar on my hash browns questions yes i have some big questions here oh yes i understand there's a friend of the show bastard jim who recently called us forgive my language toy for buying lululemon pants on the advice of guy montgomery we did guy montgomery he talked about how nice Lululemon underpants were.

We both independently went and bought them and just we're wearing them for the next episode.

Right now you are talking to two men wearing Lululemon pants.

I can guarantee you.

So he thinks that mixing eggs and beans.

Oh, he says beans have no place on a fryer.

I disagree with him totally, but how do you feel about the beans and the eggs meeting?

I, for one, am all in favor, but some people find this a big problem.

I've realized I have a real aversion to purely dry foods.

I have to wet my foods.

And an egg, a poached egg, a well, this is quite well poached, so I'd say it was basically boiled.

That's too dry for me.

I've got to be mixing it with some beans.

They did the thing which I don't, I haven't had for years where they just put chopped, you know, those are cans of chopped tomatoes or cans of plum tomatoes.

They'll just like put a plum tomato from like the can on your plate.

Which I don't want that.

I loved it.

I really enjoyed that.

I used to have that on toast when I'm from up north.

Maybe it's a northern thing.

I don't know.

But like, yeah, so I love beans.

I think beans without, you know, when you get those like nice fry ups, again, in massive inverted commas, and they put like a tiny little ramekin and it's got like seven beans and you're like everything is so dry and you have to order more and then you're spending like three pounds for five more of those please like it's oh i can't yeah i need quite a lot of beans i agree with you completely and and actually melbourne obviously is known as like a sort of brunch capital of the world but they just fuck around with beans either they don't have them or they won't just give them to you straight no and i want them straight i just want some straight beans and you can't, they'll put some cumin in the beans.

It's too early for cumin.

Exactly.

And this is 7 p.m., it's always too early for cumin.

I'm with you, Stevie.

100%.

There should be a seven o'clock limit.

You should have it, should be in a crate like your dog that doesn't open until seven.

Yeah, there should be a herb crate for cumin that does not open until seven.

I got some questions here.

What I'm looking to ascertain is the level of hipsterness of the cafe.

Chalkboard, is there menus or is it just up on the chalkboard?

Just up on the chalkboard.

Is there live jazz?

Live jazz of any kind?

No.

No, there's no live jazz.

It's a shared table.

Are your elbows touching strangers?

So there were like big long tables in the middle, but then there were booths either side.

So we got a booth.

Okay, fine.

Booth sounds quite hipstery, doesn't it?

What it is, is it's a genuine greasy spoon that's been updated slightly to be so the food is not like they've not got to be honest you I don't think you can get an avocado in there.

Like, I don't think that's an option.

But they were nice with dietary requirements.

And that's the level that I like.

I don't want it to be like, yeah, there are quite a lot of really like fancy brunch places around here where you get, all you can get is like crumpet sliders.

I just wanted to fry up.

Like, what are you doing?

Another question, which is, you've got all these, Sauces.

Yeah.

Is there like a quinel of each, like a sort of clock?

So your mustard's at one one o'clock and your ketchup's at four o'clock.

That is a perfect description.

Quinel's a quinel.

Surely you watch a bit of Master Chef.

It's when you put a dollop, but you do it in a sort of posher way.

It's basically dollop, but I was just trying to, you know.

I don't do quinel, but I was really drawn to clock because that, yeah, I do it all around.

And also, there's certain like

the mayonnaise has to go near the eggs, the mustard can go near the eggs, the ketchup has to go near the sausage, and the brown sauce has to go near the hash browns because that's sort of where they're going to be ending up anyway.

They're natural homes.

I mean, that is too for me, it's too many.

I don't know about you, David.

It's too many condiments.

Understood.

Beans do a lot of the juicy work for me on a fry.

I wouldn't even have ketchup.

The wet heavy lifting.

Yes, they do the wet heavy lifting.

When Lionel Ritchie sang about being easy like Saturday morning, he was not thinking of these unstable potential compounds that are existing on this breakfast panel.

Yeah.

Well, I've got a niece who's like 13 and she came around to our house and opened the fridge.

I was like, why have you got so many sauces?

And when we looked in, our fridge is basically all sauces.

I'm a real condiment whore.

Like, I just, I don't think there's any meal I have where I don't add some sort of additional sauce.

There was a point where I wouldn't put the amount of sauces I wanted on my fry up, including when I was at a Premier Inn breakfast on my own.

I still wouldn't get all the sauces.

But someone might look, and I'll be embarrassing.

And I'm like, I've got one wild and precious life.

I'm having a clock of sauces.

question

do you

try and finish the fry up do you like go through each thing meticulously so you end up with like one little bit of each thing at the end bit of bubble bit of hash brown bit of sausage no I eat like okay

My partner says me eating is simultaneously the most unattractive and attractive thing for me.

Yeah.

Because I eat like a hog.

My table manners are abysmal.

I've had to learn them quite late.

Don't stick your fingers in your own food, that sort of stuff.

Like, I'm quite

at the same as the hule.

Like, it's very difficult for me to.

So, I kind of want all of it all at the same time.

There's no kind of like all of that, like, just sort of picking and chatting.

There's no chatting.

It's silent while I demolish.

And then I look up and he's like, had one egg.

And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.

I love that.

It's so meticulously set up.

There is a clock of condiments, and then you just go left to right, inhale.

In, like, so in.

It's like a Hoover.

It's that Hoover from Teletop is like, oh, blah, blah, blah.

It is like that.

And when I'm, the worst is when he's away and I'm eating by myself.

And I have cut.

No spoilers, but I had a salad in the evening and

I ate it like a horse, like a rabbit in a field.

I saw myself from above my body and was like, I need to go and get it.

I didn't have any cutlery at one point.

It's really, really bad.

Yeah.

I only do it when I'm really hungry or if it's before a gig and I just need to get it in.

I eat like i'm throwing dirty laundry down a flight of stairs you know what i mean just

and just we're done in no time at all yeah and then it's quite disappointing i've always eaten way faster than like anyone else i know and it's always really disappointing because it means that the experience is so much shorter of food i've got a friend who like when i was at uni and we'd have breakfast together She would take like two hours to eat a bowl of Cocoa Pops.

Like it was so...

Yeah.

And like to me, that's so stressful that it's.

So Stevie, I know this is a phenomenon with rescue dogs sometimes because dogs that were raised on puppy farms, sometimes they would just put a trough of food down in front so the dogs would all go for it.

Growing up, were you fed just a big bowl was put on the floor and you just had to go for it?

Is that where this came from?

There was actually, we would always have like a, as if it was like a sauce or pasta, it would always be on the table and you'd go in and serve yourself from the table.

And my dad, we also ate a lot, I suppose, but there has to be something where I thought that there'd be no food.

Dad very much like will finish whatever is in the pan, even if it's like, oh, we've made this for the week, he will just keep going until it's done.

And so, I think there was an element of me being like, well, I, maybe I want more.

So, I suppose I, me and him, are very much like,

I can't do the bulk cooking at all.

The batch cooking doesn't work.

Terrible when your dad cooked lasagna for a month and then just went for it and just couldn't slowly ate all of it.

He's very like respectful.

He'll be like, you could have more.

And you're like, well, it feels like you're asking the question, but you're not.

Because you are just going to eat all of it.

Yeah.

He suddenly found himself as the second headline on Look North when it's a man in workshop has eaten 58 lasagnas in a day.

I have a shared table.

story when we lived in London we were quite near this cafe called JNA Cafe on Old Street and it was really great we loved it it was an Irish cafe Jim and Anne my parents your parents parents ran it.

They ran it on the side.

They had a shared table in the middle and I'm not against sitting on a shared table.

But the bench was a bit high and the table had a sort of under the table was like a bar.

So

my thighs would sort of get a bit wedged in.

It was a bit uncomfortable.

So I told them I had a bad back.

Could we have our own table?

And then they remembered that I had a bad back.

And so every time we went there and the breakfast was really good, if I remembered, I'd sort of limp in.

Or like they'd ask me how my back was, and I'd be moving very freely.

And then I'd have to say, It's actually on the men this week.

It's actually not doing too badly.

Became quite an ordeal to have to remember about a bad back that didn't exist.

So I didn't have to sit on this.

I should have just said, You need a lower bench here.

That's what I should have said.

You and your football team had your celebratory end-of-season breakfast in JNA Cafe, and you had to pretend that you hadn't just scored 10 goals over the course of the year.

So we have eaten like a hog.

Yeah, so you're covered in food all over your face and top.

What do you do next?

Go for a dip in the sea, try and wash it off.

I'm not a cold plunger in any way.

I don't like being cold.

I don't like being plunged.

So I've got a lot of friends that do that and I go and watch or hold the bags.

And I quite like that.

So no, I didn't do that.

What I did was I walked back.

So my partner was going away.

He's on a job.

So I

then, while he packed to go away, I sat on the chair and scrolled on my phone for an hour and a half.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

What a use of a day.

This is great.

How comfortable is the chair?

Is it a good, must be a good chair?

It's really good.

It's actually, we got it for like £10 at one of them British home store shad shops.

It's got this very curious hole in the side of it that looks like a bullet hole, like it's been shot at.

So that's sort of why we bought it.

So it's quite comfortable, but mainly it's got a bullet hole.

That's why

it's quite comforting when you're sat in it.

You can just kind of put your finger in the little bullet hole.

So that's good.

No, no, no, don't apologize.

That's good.

Thank you.

That's good.

Humoring me.

No, no, it's a conversation piece, isn't it?

Somebody bought this chair and someone got shot in it.

We don't know.

So talk us through your scrolling.

Where are we going?

Are we starting on Instagram and moving to the serious news?

What's the vibe?

Yeah, I'm an Instagram scroller.

I do have TikTok on my phone, but I can't deploy that because it's just, it kills me.

Like, so I tried to do the thing where you delete the apps for the weekends.

I was doing that.

That was my New Year's resolution.

That lasted a very, very short amount of time.

Because I would just go on, I'd find myself like on the news, the BBC News, just like scrolling that, or I was like scrolling my emails.

And that was actually more distressing than just scrolling.

Going into the browser to type Instagram.com.

Yeah.

Because you're not on the app.

It's fine.

And it's like, it's really weird.

I'm like really into Reddit these days.

Like, I wonder why, because you've removed everything else.

So now I'm just like, I'm on mum's net now.

Like, it's all that kind of stuff.

It's just like.

So the helencopter enjoys looking at horses hoof videos.

Oh, when they're doing the...

Yes.

Oh, I love that.

I look at where people have GoPros on their heads and look for objects in rivers and canals.

That's so nice.

And bicycle repair, obviously.

But do you have a specific field of interest?

Well, the algorithm at the moment is sort of telling me what my interest is.

So I obviously was on everything.

I can't remember because it's doing this is ruined to my memory.

But I do, the main standouts were the opening sequence of...

So what's that big, massive sphere?

Is it in Vegas, that big sphere that was like the blinking eye, or is that in LA?

The sphere.

Yeah, the sphere.

So there was the opening sequence to the Backstreet Boys

show.

which

is honestly

mind-blowing.

Like, so then I was watching those eclipse of that.

It is honestly one of the most sensational openings to any show I've ever seen.

I couldn't believe it.

I was like, well, obviously, you've got to start with like everybody,

but they don't.

They start with larger than life, which I think is a lesser version of everybody, but that's fine.

And so I remember watching that.

And then I was like, right, well, I've got to see everything about that.

So I watch everything about that.

But then, in between that, I can see my algorithm is actually those cockatoos who get excited and their heads go up and then they dance like

a wholesome algorithm you've got.

It is quite wholesome.

It is very animal-based.

It's often like this dog was dead and now

and then we've nursed it back to life and it's with this, you know, like, and look at it now.

And like, there's a lot of that.

A lot of dogs with mud on them that then don't have mud on them anymore.

Yeah.

It's the new rug cleaning is what they're calling it.

Oh, the rug.

Also, as well,

what I really like is old men in Italy making stained glass windows the traditional way.

Oh, that sounds

good.

That sounds really lovely.

It's not the same.

There's an amazing documentary about old Italian men searching for truffles.

And it's called The Truffle Hunters or something.

You should watch it.

It's unbelievable.

They're all about 400 years old.

And it's just so beautifully shot.

And they just go

with their little pigs looking for truffles.

You think that's what life should be.

What are truffles?

Are truffles kind of underground mushrooms?

Mushroom-y stuff, yeah.

They're worth a lot of money.

I know that.

Yeah, they are.

My algorithm is either a sort of really ripped man saying, this is what you do with two kids, and you've got to be able to lift one like this and one like this, and then do some chin-ups.

I'm like, oh, I can't do that.

That, or parodies of Megan Markle and that other quite curious person going, the power of yet.

And it's just, that's all I'm getting at the moment.

That's so mad.

Yeah, like my partner went on Instagram for that because he he doesn't, he's not really on it.

And then he goes on it when he is doing a show or something to try and like, you know, he's like, oh, I've got to promote it or whatever.

Yeah.

When he re-downloaded it and like logged back in, I was like, what?

I wonder what your explore page is.

Because when I've not been on it and I've like deleted mine and gone, because I'm a woman, it is all injections in your face and which celebrities have had plastic surgery and how to be thin.

And that's like the kind of base level.

And then the algorithm changes to the purrot with its head out doing a dance very quickly when they say, I'm not that interested in that other stuff.

For him, it was just all

nude men doing chin-ups, or just like naked women.

Like, it's really like,

I didn't get any fit men on mine.

I just got like, how to inject your face.

And he got like loads of big booby women.

I get the big boobies as well.

And it's a lot of the time, it's which one of these outfits should I wear?

As if I'm going to have some valuable input in this.

But it's an unusual mixture of a 60-year-old man repairing a bicycle, you know, an older lady looking in a canal with a GoPro attached to her head, and then a young booby lady who is in a quandary as to whether she'd wear a one-piece or a two-piece swimsuit.

I think a profile called young booby lady in a quandary.

It's a Morrissey.

It's an early Morris.

Young booby lady in a quandary.

I also do get,

you know, this t-shirt can make you not look as fat as you are.

I get a lot of those middle ages.

I get that.

I get these as well.

Yeah.

Wear that t-shirt.

And now, I don't know if it's because I recently, you know, turned 46, like three months ago.

Now instead of, you know, do this body weight press-up exercise to get fit, now I just have...

old men from Southeast Asia telling me to do Tai Chi.

That's like, I've gone past, I've now gone to like, you know, you're 70 and get your 20 year old body back by doing Tai Chi.

Click this button.

I'm like, I'm not even like, I'm now too old to just do press-ups.

That's what's happened to me.

Yeah, it's beyond.

You're now beyond.

It's too late.

Just on that Las Vegas sphere, Max.

So it's this venue where the entire interior is a 360-degree screen on all sides.

Okay.

And I do aspire to playing it.

Maybe this tour will be the one that takes me there, but playing a fully

acoustic low-key set with on all of the walls, it just says, please download new software, please contact Microsoft for a new update written all around

playing a tiny little keyboard.

That's hopefully where I'm going to take this career.

That's actually very similar to what the Backstreet Boys did.

No, they're a spaceship, of course.

Okay, so we scroll for an hour and a half.

How do we feel after that hour and a half?

Better about the world?

It's terrible.

And I realized, in fact, as I, I think my partner sent me, he was, so at one point he was on, he was in the bathroom, he laughed and then sent sent me something on instagram oh yeah then he sent me a very charming video of gene kelly from i think what's the film i've seen the film singing in the rain no alter ego and he's dancing with himself so they've like shadowed it was like at the time obviously like mind-blowing and also even now it is because of how precise he is it's like a four minute clip of him and dancing and it's and out of all of the things i was watching that was probably the most interesting it had like a history and the caption but i was like i can't look at it i've got to put my phone away really angry because i'd done the hour and a half of the parrots.

So I feel at the moment, I'm feeling very aware of my phone addiction because I'm completely powerless at the moment to stop it.

So I kind of threw my phone away like it was hot.

Yeah.

Put it in the crate.

Lock it in the crate.

Lock it in the crate with the dog.

Also, the dog now hates the phone.

So she pours the phone out of my hand and stuff.

Like, it's really like, oh, God.

Yeah, she can see how bad it is.

You are aware that it is eating into your life, though, which is more than most people, I would say.

Maybe, but I think the sad thing is, I know it is, but I can't stop it.

It feels like the bit before I quit smoking, I used to smoke really, really heavily.

And there was like set in five years where I was like, I really wanted to quit, and then I just wouldn't.

I feel like I'm in there, but I don't know how you'd quit completely with your phone because I need it for my, you know, life to stay on top of the popular culture.

That's why I need to look at big booby ladies in a quandary i need to

okay so what inspires you to remove yourself from the bullet holed chair my partner leaves and i'm like this can't be my day i can't just continue hang on when you say leaves he's like i've had enough done did you say goodbye or you you're just on your phone

he just walks out like i don't want to watch this gene kelly video and then say leave he's on tour for six months and you're like we're never divorced It's really sad.

What a day.

What a yesterday.

Yeah, I said it was boring, but it was actually incredible eventful.

No, he says goodbye.

And then he goes.

Also, I've not mentioned as well, I've got a tortoise.

So at this point, I go and check on her and she's shat.

So I sort her out, pop her in the bath.

Question.

Yeah.

Does a tortoise shit incredibly slowly?

Yeah.

Really?

So like it comes out like one of those indoor fireworks.

It's like,

yeah, oh my God, that's a perfect way of putting it.

Even slower.

And also, she raises really high up on her legs.

Like in, you know, in the Tom Cruise version of War in the Worlds, or War of the Worlds.

I imagine any version, but I've only seen that one.

Where there's this really long.

This is a tortoise.

I'm interested in that tortoise.

Yeah, and then there's that tortoise that shits.

Have you not seen it?

Dakota Fanning's got a tortoise that shits.

Like, they've got them really long legs.

She kind of like raises up like that and then starts like shaking like this and then shits.

She doesn't, she maybe shits like once, twice a week as well.

So which.

So what's the relationship like between the dog and the tortoise?

Very respectful.

Tortoises, they love each other's work.

I just really impressed with you.

The tortoise used to, when we first got, so we used to live in a like a one-bed flat with like underfloor heating in London.

And the tortoise would basically have the run of the flat with like a new build and it was all safer and stuff.

And then we've like been moving and then we got the dog.

And so then the tortoise basically has her own run, but she has her own room that is also my partner's office, but it's not really.

And then we like can shut the door so that we can let her out and she can walk around.

But ever since we got the dog, and ever since the dog was a puppy, we've like taught the dog to be like, don't go near the tortoise.

So she sort of like sniffs her butt occasionally and then just kind of walks up.

The tortoise has bitten the dog twice.

Like,

how slow is this dog?

Seriously.

How lazy is this dog?

He was asleep.

And Alison, the tortoise, like, also as well, I should have done something about it because basically the tortoise opened her mouth, like the other side of the room and just walked really slowly.

and I just watched her bite the dog yeah I should have done something but it was just fascinating sorry is this an indoor tortoise does the tortoise ever go out there's look there's lots of school of thought about this but there's not it's not really warm enough often now it is now it's summer but like no she's in like a temperature controlled run she's also she's got like um some stuff wrong with her so we can't just like let her go also

i've got friends who've got family tortoises or grow up with big tortoises.

They're like, oh, they just bury themselves in the garden to hibernate.

And you're like, that sounds really cool.

But then there's like, oh, the fox gnawed its leg off.

You're like, well, I don't want that.

Like, she's my little friend.

Yeah.

She's so sweet.

And so, yeah, we like to kind of keep her temperature control.

And then she goes to a tortoise hotel to hibernate.

Holy wow.

Hang on a second.

Okay, deal with suspects.

No, no, no.

Before we even get to the tortoise hotel, another thing on my algorithm, or like me and Jamie often are looking at houses we can't afford to buy.

And on

Instagram, a man showing you around this amazing house.

And as yet, no one has said, you know, this is what you'll get for $3 million in Melbourne's Inner North.

And they say, and just beyond the en suite, here's the tortoise room.

Having a specific tortoise room is something else.

But now I discover you send Alison to a hotel to hibernate.

So how long is the hibernation?

How long does a tortoise hibernate for?

Depends how long, how old she is.

And also now, because she wasn't well, she didn't shit for like a year and it was really bad.

So she had a terrible, yeah, she's got a terrible dehydration kidney problem, which will never be solved.

So we have sad, but it's sad, but it's sad.

So she can't hibernate anymore.

But when she did, she would go, yeah, she would have like maybe three, ten weeks of like around.

The lady had a like these big fridges that would be used for like wine in the summer and then torts in the winter.

Amazing.

Really?

The longest song in the history of rock music is Tortoise Hotel, California, which it's just the guitar solo is interminable.

When she couldn't shit, it was because of various reasons.

It wasn't mistreatment.

It was like she just has a sort of disorder.

Now we know how to work through it.

But one of the things we had to do was get her a vibrator and vibrate her.

Shortly like to Adam, like, have you wanked the tortoise off?

I love the Daily Mail Asset.

Like, I just cannot wait.

You know, then they they would pleasure the tortoise for their own part.

Can I ask you a question?

How was the

annual tortoise shit when it came?

Oh, it was mad.

Yeah.

It was like, also, as well, the first time, so she was not well.

And then she had like a little operation where they like cut into the shell and had to remove all the impaction that was there and all this sort of stuff.

And they were going to put her to sleep.

Like they were going to basically put her down.

And just before she went under, she shat all over the vet's table.

And they had all these like students watching.

So they're like, this tortoise is a marvel we don't know what's wrong with it and they shat everywhere and it was great and then yeah like her shits were real bad uh for a bit she's back now my wife after giving birth to our first son and i don't think she doesn't mind me telling this she had fecal impaction because they forgot to ask her and basically she a week later i had to ring an ambulance and i didn't ring it for a while because i didn't want to be on the news for look at this idiot he's running an ambulance'cause his wife needs a poo and then I really needed to and eventually it had to be manually extracted by a 28 year old from manchester who just moved it album for a jolly she said it was worse than labor oh my god yeah allison had a bad time so when you were rampant rabbiting the tortoise where did you have to hold it surely not the rrr on the actual shell yeah so the the tummies are hard as well it's all shell all around so we'd put the green of course i got a green vibrator because she's a tortoise on the floor and then we'd cover it with a little flannel because it just felt too abrasive otherwise.

And also, it would do this.

And then I just put her on top of the vibrator, and she'd be like,

Which vet discovered that this is

the thing?

Well, this is after thousands of pounds of like CT scans, x-ray, a butt plug,

try to strap on, try to stop.

Tiny LBs,

a tiny GIMP mask.

Yeah, the tortoise has got a strap on.

The tortoise has got a strap on, and it's fucking me.

Like, mad stuff.

So the woman that runs the tortoise hotel used to be an exotic's pet.

An exotic dancer, I presume.

Yeah, no, I know.

Like, she's a stripper and she also looks after reptiles.

But she was like, yeah,

try this.

And we were a bit like, I can't.

The vet hasn't said this.

And then we did it and it worked immediately.

We also gave her an enema.

That worked.

Like, so.

Give her a matcha, a matcha tea.

Stevie Martin, what time is this?

Oh, now it's like three.

Okay, I've lost.

Where are we now?

You've checked on the tortoise.

Okay, that's where we're going.

Checked on tortoise.

I've sorted out her.

I've come back downstairs.

Oh, and then when I'm upstairs, I've gone, oh, I haven't like done any like good exercise for, I would say, apart from when I tried, yesterday it didn't work, but I hadn't really done anything good or healthy exercise-wise for like about two and a half, three weeks.

So I was like, oh, I might do one of them Pilates videos on YouTube.

And I, oh my God, I've forgotten a massive part of this.

I'll just very quickly we'll just gloss over it because it's, it's, I don't want to be too scatological, but it did happen, and I've got to tell my truth.

I blocked the toilet at the cafe

and had to leave really quickly.

That's never happened before.

That's never happened before.

I've always been able to solve it if that happens, and I couldn't solve it.

And there was one toilet and it was full because I was always full.

I was like, if someone comes in after me, I'm going to have to kill myself.

So then I just went, we paid, and I just went to my partner, like, we have to leave now.

And he was like, okay.

Question: This happened to me once at the breakfast club in Soho.

And when I opened the door, there were like five sort of 25-year-old girls in a queue.

And it was just like, I sort of stopped and said, look, it wasn't me.

This was there before.

It wasn't me, actually.

Like, I hadn't done the thing, but I was like...

This is what Shaggy's song Wasn't Me is actually about.

Yeah.

Was there anybody at the door?

When you opened the door, or were you clear?

No, and also I like checked.

Because I tried again.

I tried a few times to sort it.

It wasn't also a normal unblocking.

It was like the water was was like rising.

Yeah.

And I was like, if I flush this again, it's going to go everywhere.

And I'd also had a real right old time of it in there as well.

So it was like really bad.

And I was boiling hot.

And so then this is relevant because then when I was like, maybe I'll do like a Pilates video.

I started within five minutes.

I was like, My stomach is not okay.

I think I need to not do this.

Yeah.

So I lasted for seven and a half minutes and then I stopped.

It is incriminating when you come out of the bathroom, which is probably very close to the restaurant in this cafe, and there's just like a tidal wave of water with shits in it.

It's just behind like a tsunami.

It's just slowly making its way towards the till as you come out.

There's one old couple that know it's like deep impact.

They know they can't survive.

They just hold each other.

They hold each other while they get

taken out.

Also, as well, I felt so awful because I was like, someone's going to have a really horrible day.

Like, if they were on this podcast, they'd be like, oh my God, it was the worst shift ever.

I had to sort this out.

And I don't ever leave it.

Like, to be sort of like, I just, I had to disassociate.

I had to compartmentalize.

I had to get out of there.

So, you only managed to do a few minutes of the police.

Seven and a half, seven and a half minutes.

Question.

Have you put on a special outfit for it?

You know, have you put on...

Oh, that's fun.

Lululemon, for example.

Just undies.

Just the Lululemon undies.

No, I've got like a sports bra and a pair of shorts, and I just like take my t-shirt off and I just do that.

I have realised that the houses across can probably see, but that's all right.

It's mainly floor work.

They were like, and now the abs.

It was like, that's just an afternoon.

I can't do any of this.

I couldn't lie on my front because my stomach hurts so much.

And it was like, oh.

Yeah, okay.

Do you think it's all the green?

Do you think it's like the sort of liters of garden that you drink at the start of the day?

No, no, I know what it is.

I know what it is.

I got drunk the night before.

I drank

like day drinking.

It wasn't like a lot of, but it was like rose.

I don't really drink both.

It was like rose.

And also, like, you know when like people order things for the time and you're eating bits of stuff and it's like quite rich.

It's like rich food and rose.

Like it's the day before, so it's not relevant, but this has put a different context on everything.

Now

waking up at 8.30, then going for a slightly lost walk, surfing and turfing on your phone for an hour and a half.

You know what I mean?

Now I understand.

If I wasn't hungover, that would all still have happened.

Like, I just wouldn't have had the green juice, probably.

That's probably the only difference.

And also, I would maybe have been able to have lasted maybe 15 minutes during the Plato's.

I only do 20-minute videos because I get very bored of the woman's voice.

It's just, I find it interminable.

But yeah, I want to say that is still, I think I still would have done a similar thing.

I'm just quite bad at living.

After this strenuous seven and a half minute workout and whatever you may have to do straight after that, where are we heading, Steve?

Oh, yeah, now it's fun.

Now it's easy.

Then I watched the Wimbledon final,

which was great, but it was made slightly stressful by the fact that I forgot the concept of pausing.

So the dog needed to go for a win.

I was just like, for fuck's sake.

So I kept like running out with the lead and be like, go to the toilet.

And then she wouldn't.

And I would go back and be like,

and then my partner was like, are you watching it?

I was like, yeah, but the dogs, she's just wee in the basement.

Like, I can't.

He's like, just fucking pause it.

And then I realized I could pause.

No, but live sport is very different.

I think live sport.

You have to watch it live because if you know you're on delay, you just keep forward winding, but especially tennis, you'd be like, oh, just forward wind a bit.

So then I did actually in the end, I did it afterwards because she did need a wee.

I was being so stressful, but she obviously just couldn't do it because I was just staring at me, like, go!

So then I had to pause it for like five minutes.

And then what happened was I would then spool forward every time there was a break.

But that is this fun stuff where you get like the kind of slow-mo images of like, I don't know, a ball.

It was like one of like a butterfly going across the screen.

It's like, i want this i want this like color you know otherwise i'm just kind of you know watching sports stevie who were you up for were you up for sinner or were you up for alcaraz so i was up for alcaraz last time for the roland garrows so this time because he'd won wimbledon before yep i know he's world number one but i i was up for cinner i thought i wanted him to because also it hasn't alcaraz beaten him like the last loads of times so i kind of wanted a bit more of like a oh bit of a rivalry thing.

And also when he's such a machine.

But then when he took his little hat off and he's got a little curly hair and he did his speech, they both look like little tiny sweet little boys.

They're so cute.

I have a question for both of you, which is,

have you ever considered trying to do a gig at centre court?

Because that crowd find literally anything funny.

Like if a pigeon goes near them, like they're literally like they've watched all the jokes of Kirby Nuthusiasm in like one second.

Like they go completely wild.

You know, if a ballboy catches a ball, which is something they probably should do, they are on the floor, like hitting the floor.

They'll tell that story for weeks.

Max, you would think it would be easy, but I did it in Edinburgh preview before the mixed doubles final, and I absolutely died on my arse just as Bradley Cooper and Jimmy Carr were taking their seats.

I'm doing my material bed.

If your house was made of an iron.

Stephan Edberg and Gabriella Vesibatini were warming up next to you and they were like, they were not interested in this shit.

But also, as well, if you want to get laughs like that, you just go to the theatre.

You just put your comedy thing in the theatre section, and everyone shits themselves when you say the slightest bit.

Or parliaments are a good place to get a laugh just from your own.

You know, where you go, like,

maybe Vince Cable needs to send a cable

to

hey, this day of the whole world.

Oh, I love that sending.

Maybe Vince Cable needs to send a cable.

Maybe delay some cable.

I'm all right.

Vince Cable has clearly got a bulge in his stomach.

And methinks the honorable gentleman needs to...

It was you who blocked the toilet in the slightly gentrified cafe of undescribed coastal town, Vince Cable.

You should have run out of the toilet and said, I just saw Vince Cable leaving the toilet, by the way.

How much goodbye?

That's not the honourable gentleman.

Exactly.

Okay, so we have watched the Wimbledon finals.

That takes us through to like half seven, eight now.

Okay.

Yeah, that was a long time.

You haven't eaten anything since the condiments.

And to be honest, you discharged a lot of that almost immediately afterwards.

So are we going to eat something else?

We were promised a salad earlier in the episode.

Exciting.

I did, during the tennis, I ate some Tony's chocolate-only dark chocolate with the almond bits in it or whatever.

I could sea salty thing.

So that's quite good.

So I was like, enjoying that.

I had a caffeine-free Diet Coke, the gold one.

Yeah, nice.

Pointless.

Bullshit.

Two different responses to that.

I was just sort of like saying nice generally, but David really said how he felt.

Yeah, it's fine.

I love the taste of a Diet Coke, but again, I can't have a Diet.

A Diet Coke is too much.

I become mad.

I ate dinner.

I found some frozen, like I bulk bought, like a frozen thing of like falafels that you can just microwave from frozen, which I didn't, I thought you'd have to put them in the oven.

So a delight when anything can be microwaved.

So I microwaved some falafels, had some hummus, made a salad, had that.

Weirdly, I put rice in it.

It's not a salad, Stevie.

This is not a salad.

But with it, I've got, because where Adam was doing his play, next door, there was like a sort of Lebanese place that had amazing flatbreads that we'd got so i had flatbreads but i forgot and then put rice in it and rice falafel and hummus is a weird it's nothing wrong with it no one's saying anything wrong with it but it just felt like the wrong texture to have added feel they're natural bedfellows i feel that is something you could easily get on a play feel they need one more thing though just to settle

off i don't know is rice and falafel and hummus natural bedfellows maybe i've gone mad i think so if you had a taboo with it and you're yeah you're fine oh i suppose it's to be like cuss curse.

No, it's like a parsley salad.

Yeah.

Listen to us.

Yeah.

Take this Acastor and Gamble.

We're flying now.

Well, in the end, I ended up making a culturally appropriate salad.

So that's good.

But you ate it like a horse, as you told us.

You put it in a bag, a nose bag, and tied up.

Well, I got a tray and was eating it while I was watching the tennis.

And then after...

I finished, there was so much food on the tray.

Like, it was like so much, like half the food so there was like i'd really gone in and also i was dipping the falafel in the hummus so i sort of wasn't using a fork i was like covered in food so that was when yeah i felt really bad about stevie could you lift that tray in and give it to the tortoise it strikes me that that would be popular food with the tortoise don't want to give it to us a falafel will bung it up it doesn't need bunging up

tortoise very specific leaves in the old days they'd feed them anything and then they'd live to like 70 and you'd be like god that tortoise has lived a good long life they meant to live to like 120 so they they were dying quite young so we've got particular weeds that are sent to us by the tortoise hotel

called speedy weeds.

That when I lived in London,

when I'm complexes, I had like a concierge fancy.

And the concierge once was like, also, you might want to be a little bit more discreet.

And I was like, what are you?

What?

And I realized he thought I was buying weed off the internet.

It's for my tortoise, you moron.

So what I like to do is get to Speedyweed.

Hi, it hits you immediately, and then it goes like real mellowed in for a little bit.

I also like a brazen drug dealer who will, if you buy crack cocaine, will write crack cocaine.

It's a van, isn't it?

Crackcocaine.com, just driving down the streets like Pimlico Plumbers.

Can you sign for this cocaine here, please?

Heroin.

Yeah, also, there's a little picture of a tortoise.

So, my like, oh, it's my tortoise did really work because it was a tortoise, and she used to draw a little line drawing of of a little tortoise with little roller skates very cute that's cute because it's fast you know

you know the one thing that we haven't got from this is yeah when I think of a tortoise I think of like a giant tortoise you know what I mean whereas a four people can sit on it and it can take you into town like a really slow boat she's literally there do you want to see her no i'd like to see the tortoise but i presume the tortoise won't be needing the toilet since it went yesterday and it's a sort of once a year type thing first tortoise on the podcast really is the tortoise debut.

What's interesting is Stevie went into one room and the tortoise was not in tortoise room one.

So tortoise has been.

I noticed that.

It's just to run down the street now, as it's possible.

Tortoise has escaped.

The doorknob has fallen off the tortoise room, so I had to go through the adjoining bathroom.

I mean, this will mean nothing to the listeners, but from what I'm seeing on the Zoom, this does look like Creature Comforts, the original Ardmann animation, and the tortoise is about to start complaining about how cold it is in the winter.

How old is Allison?

20.

20.

Okay.

Sorry, just for the listeners, Stevie, could you get the tortoise and bang the tortoise off the mic just so the listeners know that the tortoise was there?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'll use a claw.

Hang on a minute.

There we go.

That's a claw scratching.

What about the shell?

I don't know.

Is that too rude to bash the shell?

Oh, that's really good, isn't it?

Do you know what?

Whenever you're a guest on a podcast and they say, could you just tell us what you had for breakfast?

You could say, Oh, no, no, no, I'll test the mic like this and get Allison and just boom, boom.

This is what you normally do to the point where soon producers will say, We just need to check your levels.

Do you have a tortoise?

Yeah, if you've got e-two headphones, if you've got a good mic, and if you've got a tortoise, okay, originally in BBC Broadcasting House, there were just hundreds of tortoises on the ground.

They would check all of the audio equipment.

So, you just place the tortoise down now.

Yes.

I mean, as we move into the last part of the podcast, just can you not stand on the tortoise?

Because imagine if the end

our listeners have bonded so much with Alison.

Imagine if the ending of this was Stevie Martin, thank you very much, and you just go like

clearly the sound of it.

I killed no, she's fine.

So I think, um, because it's quite hot in here, I like to get her out and stretch her legs in a safe environment.

Although the dog is here and staring at her, so I will have to

sniffing her butt, and off you go, Lee.

Very respectful, as we've already established.

yeah i have a question yes so if allison's gonna live to 120 in your will who gets allison you know this is you have to think beyond your own life yeah i do i haven't figured this out i think yes if i have children then that will have to happen they'll have to take the tortures or if my sister's if my sister has kids so like otherwise I guess I just have to hope that I make very young friends when I'm old and then bequeath it to them.

Why is she always hanging around?

Why is she always here?

She must have some ulterior motive.

Oh, and then you lay it on them thick at the end.

Yeah, you just standing with the local youths on the street corner and they want to cigarettes.

And, like, why is she trying to bond with us?

It does remind me a bit of, I bet they're not on anymore, but there used to be in daytime television in the ad breaks, there would be like Dame Thora Heard would have these incredibly bleak ads for like, you don't want to be a burden on your loved ones when you go.

So so organize your funeral costs and if you do it now you get a fucking pen or something geez carriage clock no

you get a tortoise

oh yeah okay we've eaten

no we haven't stretched the tortoise sorry i've got confused with the tortoise she didn't actually get a stretch yesterday she was quite active so i was like she's fine great what i did was i then thought so that was about eight o'clock the sun was going down light was lovely so i went for a really long walk like an hour and a half walk with the dog, which was really,

which was really lovely.

But it's very busy around here, so there's lots of like drunk people and lots of litter.

So I've started doing this thing where I pick litter up when I see it, which feels fine, but then I'm just constantly scared that there'll be a criss packet, but yeah, there'll be like a shit in it, or

it just looks really performative, being like, I'm just picking up litter off the street.

But I did a bit of that and I felt quite good.

When you're doing it, do you say that?

Because that would be performative loudly.

I'm just picking up this litter, actually.

But also, what was really annoying is I found there was like a big pot of coleslaw right in the middle of the beach.

I was like, this is so stupid.

Picked it up, but then there's no bin for ages.

So I just had to carry around this pot of coleslaw for like 25 minutes.

So it just looked like I'd come out with my dog and my pot of coleslaw.

Or the dog had shot a full pot of coleslaw and you just had to walk along with it.

Just me.

I guess I'm a kook.

Did you listen to anything while you were doing doing this long walk?

No, I didn't.

I don't really.

Yeah, I tend to just try to be in the moment because I'm obviously such a scrolling screen person

that then I'm trying not to be constant need of something.

So I just enjoyed the

general gist of the sea.

What are podcasts, if not the screens of the ears?

I mean, I realize I shouldn't say that as someone doing a podcast, but we actively encourage people to not listen.

That's the aim of this.

it's bad we don't really release the episodes because we don't agree with podcasting i overheard someone saying um like oh there was someone on the tube who was just staring straight ahead and they weren't on their phone and they just like had their eyes closed and they were just like it's like so fucking weird it's like that's what i do when i'm on the tube like i don't like being on my phone i don't like i like to sort of stare at other people and stuff but i think that's i guess to not freak people out you could turn your phone off and then just pretend to to be scrolling on us.

You're just moving your finger up and down and then popping your eyebrows up and down occasionally with, my goodness, that is extraordinary.

That is extraordinary.

Yeah.

Yeah, just like, yeah, really good actor.

That was when David gets after the bike, bike, bike, boobies.

And that's when...

That's when he says that.

She's in a pickle.

How is she going to get out of this one?

Oh, what a lovely thing.

So, you have a lovely water, an hour and a half water.

So, I'll be back home.

It's sort of what, nearing 10 o'clock now, is this?

Yeah, half nine.

Yeah, okay.

And then I basically, and then I was like, I'm gonna have a really early night because obviously, I didn't nap or and I was quite hungover.

So, I got into bed.

Oh, no, I had a shower and I tried a new fake tan out, which hasn't actually worked, which is really annoying.

I'm very pale, and I like to, you know, look like I'm alive.

Is it one where you apply it with a mitt, or do you go into like a little kind of a like where they re-spray cars and spray yourself with a tiny hose?

Neither.

So I've been experimenting with the mitt.

I did get a few months ago the car hose spray.

It was just too much.

It was just too, it was just crazy.

And also, it goes in like three days.

You're like, I've spent £25 to be fully nude with a woman spraying me.

This is, I don't want to do this every three days.

Like, this is mad.

There's already so many things, so many things to do.

And so I've now, I now tried one that is like a moisturizer that's got a bit of tan in it.

And you just put it on your hands and you just don't, you don't have to like wash it off or you don't have to use a mitt.

And it's like, I'm trying to do like the lowest maintenance.

Yeah.

But it has streaked, so I've got like, I look like I've sort of dipped my knee in brown sauce, you know?

Like, I mean, I'm not a scientist, but I do remember once hearing that

flamingos are pink because they eat prawns and pink type stuff.

Okay.

If you were to to eat like bourbon cream.

If you dip that shit for a bit longer in your matcha.

If you were to drink a lot of LucasAid, you know, something like that, maybe, would that eventually

trend of girls eating like 17 kilograms of carrots every day because it turns you orange like you're tanned?

You get like carotene poisoning.

So they're like, this is a great way of tanning.

I was like, I don't want to do that.

I'm already having a terrible time gastronomically.

Imagine adding, I mean, you're doing quite well because you're having your one carrot.

Yeah, sort of one.

Probably every other day I'll have a carrot.

And

I have a little orange.

I look like I'm the ready brick advert.

I'm just a little orange.

Yeah, orange glow.

A little orange and tin.

Imagine the tortoise looking at you with the 17 kilos of carrots.

Look towards me, like, you ought to be very careful with that, love.

You're going to have to get a huge vibrator to try and

shake that loose.

Oh, my God.

Tortoise is off.

Hang on.

No, come back.

Come back.

So actually turns out tortoises are quicker than I thought.

She's run off.

I'm just going to put her in the pen because she's running off too much.

No, I like this live actuality, David.

It's good.

Yeah, I know nothing about tortai, as they're called whatsoever.

Stevie, if you stood on the tortoise,

and please God, that will never happen.

Do you think it would sound like a taco?

Or do you think it would sound like a bag of crisps?

No, no, thicker.

It'd be like a plate had broken.

oh no yeah it's like crockery like that's the shell so thick also it wouldn't crack as well if you stood on it like she's so hardy she was threw herself off a sofa onto a like a wood floor that was quite high up it just sounds like a real cry for help isn't it like this

like it was so solid

yeah they're incredibly hardy as animals

because they stevie's not abusing animals but that noise was her just taking an encyclopedia and bashing the tortoise sorry yeah i didn't beat the tortoise

and it sounded like this bosh bosh

so do we go to bed then oh yeah i did all the dishes and all this boring stuff because i like to wake up and have like a nice kitchen so i did all that and that's boring and then i went to bed scrolled on my phone for another hour oh now i was like well i can't go on instagram so i went on substack which is now basically just like twitter it's like a timeline so it's much of a monogenose, but I like, oh, it's for writers.

So it's actually better, but it's not.

Never looked at it.

Yeah, it's just like, it's lots of articles.

So it's fine.

And so went on that for a while, then read my book.

Oh, yeah.

I'm reading a really fun, really lovely book called Still Life, which is really funny.

And it's quite rare for a book to be funny, I think.

But anyway, really enjoying that.

Who's it by?

I'm going to say Sarah Winman.

She wrote a book called Tin Man, which I took on holiday, and it was so devastating.

It made me me cry.

So I was a bit worried about reading this one, but actually...

Sarah Winman.

Sarah Winman.

It is Zara Winman.

It's great.

Oh, yeah.

And then I'm also reading another book.

Like I'm reading a non-fiction book about how to write fiction.

Two books.

You're reading two books.

How does that work?

Do you need a page of one, page of the other?

Word of one, word of the other.

And it's on top.

I'm not learning anything.

I'm not learning anything.

Nothing's going in.

No, I go through like phases where I'm like, I'd really like to write a novel.

And then I try and it's so bad.

And I just get very disheartened.

So this time I was like, next year, I'm going to try and write something long form because I do lots of like sketches and short things, and I really would like to do something that takes even when you're writing an Edinburgh show, as you know, David, like you get instant gratification all the time because you go and do previews and you go and do a correct.

Imagine, I just can't imagine writing something for ages that no one says anything about, and you just don't lose confidence.

Like, I don't understand how you do that.

So, I'm trying to write.

So, I'm reading loads of like, I'm reading like The Artist's Way, and there's another one called, oh, I can't remember, Story Genius, and like lots of books like that that I'm highlighting furiously.

And then I got too into it, and then that woke me up.

And then I ended up going to sleep at like half 12 with the dog in the bed, which I'm not allowed to do because when I do that, the dog then goes, I don't want to go in the crate.

And then every night when I go to bedtime, she runs upstairs and gets into bed.

And then my husband's like, why is she doing that?

I'm like, I don't know.

It's a great mystery.

And it's because every time he's away, the dog goes into bed.

I've got the fan on really close to my face.

And I'm scared that I can't hear if someone breaks in.

So that's why I have the dog because the dog will go crazy.

So you've got in the bed in this order, the tortoise, the pot of cold slaughter, the dog, and you, just the four.

Just a fan balancing on the bed.

And a bullish it.

Abolish it.

Loads of books.

And a vibrator in case the tortoise can't shit.

In case you need, well, anyone needs a toilet.

If anyone needs a toilet, then I've got that.

Do you pop on a little PCAS to get to sleep or is the menagerie enough?

I should have done that because I don't do that when Adam's here because he he sleeps really well and that does not help him sleep because also like he's been really like i used to listen to that calm app where it would have sleep stories and the amount of times you've got no it's fine you can because i don't like having headphones in when i'm asleep but like it's fine have a listen but then when i'm listening to it i can hear him sort of laughing being like this is lame like and so i can't focus

when he's not here i absolutely should make the most of it and do that.

I didn't think.

And tonight, that's what I'm going to do because he's not here again.

So I'm going to definitely, I'll listen to a podcast or maybe there's that audiobook called This Audiobook Will Help You Sleep, which is really good.

Have you read that?

Listen to that.

It would be funny to read it.

This audiobook will help you sleep.

No, I went to the source text on that one.

Yeah.

Kept me up if anything.

Yeah.

That was a nice day.

It was, I think it was one of the first Sundays I think we've ever had.

We've been doing this for nearly a year now.

Interestingly, I think it's the second Sunday we've ever done.

And the first Sunday was niche and both were more scatological than a normal weekday.

Wow,

that's probably why, because you're just like expelling the week, you know,

getting it out of your system for Monday.

You said that in the cafe, you said, I'm really sorry, I just expelled the week in there, someone better go in.

I had a big week, so you're gonna have to sort of expel the week.

Was Darrow O'Brien's follow-up show to mock the week, and people just didn't want to see that.

He didn't want to see it.

Me and Nish loved it, but no one else,

no one else.

Team captains.

Team captains on that one.

Oh, I'd love that.

Cute Dennis just squatting over a bucket.

Like, this is not the wrap-up of the week that we needed here.

Stevie Martin,

thank you very much for coming on.

What did you do yesterday?

Thank you for having me.

It's been an absolutely eye-opening experience.

our tortoise debut, David.

And I'm, for one, I'm delighted we had a have now had a tortoise.

Does Super Vet have a podcast?

And if he did, I don't think there'd be a part end where he'd have to clarify that he dropped a book on the table and not dropped a tortoise on the ground to let us know.

Vibrator and the tortoise.

And I don't remember the episode of Super Vet where he said, now get this dildo, and you can remove the stool from any reptile you choose.

We need to make it clear, though, that we have had some criticism of too much poop talk, which we've virtually eradicated from the midweek episodes, Max.

In fairness,

that one is, with the exception of the Bath and Come, that is almost squeaky clean now.

And we need to go whatever way the guest takes us.

So, Stevie blocked the bathrooms.

The podcast.

She blocked the podcast

with her shit.

I don't know her well enough to say that.

I would say the thing is, once the podcast has got to the level we're at, David, it is now not our fault to keep this.

We're trying to get mainstream and we are trying to keep this podcast.

out of the toilet out of the u-bend out of the system and occasionally we get a guest that drags us straight in there i would say that you could argue that you and I, once led, you know, once led to there, we will drink about that.

There is no doubt.

You can lead a guest to the latrine, but the bowl must be filled.

Isn't that what they say?

And we did have to edit out all the stuff where Lineker shot out the wagon wheel.

Well, of course, yeah.

Do you know, the interesting thing about Lineker sitting at the wagon wheel is it comes out as a perfect wagon wheel as if he hasn't eaten it.

It reforms again

exactly yeah

if you would like to get in touch with the podcast here is how

to get in touch with the show you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't

hey thank you david I had fun.

Should we do it again?

Yeah, we'll do it again.

I was thinking, you know, you look around the world and you see everything.

A lot of the time I think, that's showbiz.

Everything is in fact showbiz.

You're absolutely right.

Thanks, Max.

Thanks, David.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

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Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

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Thank you, goodbye.