S3 EP5: Stevie Martin

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many.
I have one already. I don't have any because there are enough.
Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
Why is that? Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
We'll try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday.
Nothing more. Day before yesterday, Max? Nope.
The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushton.
And I'm David O'Daherty. Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday? I'm Max Russian, David O'Doherty over there. Hello, David.
For the tape,

we have just recorded it and it just brings me such joy.

A lot of people, so we're talking to Stevie Martin today, and Stevie didn't realize that this podcast spans the globe, me in Dublin, you in Melbourne, and we're recording it early on a Monday morning, and you were just drinking a glass of red wine, and it was only afterwards where you told her you were in Melbourne and you weren't just a man who cruises up to his 10 a.m.

podcast return. Some Bohemian Soho man from the 60s who just started his day with a bottle of Shiraz.
Yeah.

So obviously it's a classic episode.

It is a booking of mine, one of my old friends from comedy, someone who I've spent a lot of time with at Edinburgh and just on the circuit, who I've seen and around and about. Stevie

Martin. I've known her for a long time.
Obviously you've known her for longer than me, Max, but

people may know her from the recent, I'd say the breakout star of the recent series of Taskmaster. She was in a sketch group called Massive Dad.

The reason I met her first was they were in university with Ed Gamble and Nish Kumar, previous alumni. You might know Stevie from the Don't Panic podcast that ran for a long time.

Her amazing sketches with Lorna Rose Treen that have been on YouTube. She is going to be on tour this winter with her show Clout, a very, very fun comedy show.

And she did say that no one in Colchester or Durham is coming. So if we could fill those.
The rest of it seems to be sold out for some reason, those two specific hotspots. So if you could...

buy a ticket and go to one of those apps and then say to her, I bought this because of what did you do yesterday, the power of this podcast will grow even more than it has but yes it is important for the tape to say she's basically sold out apart from the miserable people of Durham and Colchester

this is what Stevie Martin my words not hers did yesterday

Stevie Martin welcome to what did you do yesterday hello I'm so happy to be here and slightly concerned because yesterday was a Sunday, which is my quotation mark. Boring day.
Brilliant.

And it's good that because we rarely get Sundays.

Can I say something interesting? Which is, I was in the pub on Saturday with my friends Davo and Christy. And we were talking about this podcast.

And they said, do you know who you should get on the podcast? Bearing in mind, they had everyone to choose on earth. And they said, get Stevie Martin on.

I would really have enjoyed that if you'd have said someone else. And I'd have been like, yeah, yeah.
It would have been better.

Yeah, join on. Also, don't believe that, Stevie.
He butters all the guests up with that anecdote at the start of all of our episodes. I said, you won't believe this.

It would have been better if I had said Peter Sissons. Russell crazy.

Peter Sissons is such a crime. I used to love him and Michael Burke.
They've just given us the news in a non-problematic way. We continue to hope.

Stevie, what time did you wake up yesterday, please? I woke up at 8.30. This is a new thing.
The house I've moved into is the lightest house on the planet. So there's no way I can't be awake.

It's also the hottest place on Earth. I'm normally, I'd say, 9.30.
That'd be pretty good for me. But yeah, no, it's now, sometimes it's even 8.
And I'm fuming. So I was fuming.
So 8.30.

Sorry, David.

I have two small children. Listeners will know.
The thought of being upset about being woken at 8.30. I don't want to get...
We've never met Stevie. And so I don't want to be angry.

I'm going to get energy on me. I don't want to get annoyed this early, but to be annoyed because you're woken up at 8:30, you're on a different journey.
That's all I'm set. You're on a different day.

I'm on a different journey, and the journey is purely, I don't have kids. That's literally

journey.

No, I know. I'm aware of my, I don't even, it's not privilege.
I don't know what it is, teenagerdom. Up until 2022, when I changed my life, the great shift, as it's known,

I was up at 10. If it was before 10, I was fuming.
So,

I'm a real night owl. I'll go to bed at like 3.
Just all of our Irish listeners will have enjoyed that because in Ireland, a shift is when you make out with someone in a nightclub.

That's how I can't talk about it.

The great shift of 2022 was

I was making out with so many people. I had to get up at 10 because I was just so exhausted.
You never got off with anyone better. It was the best ever getting off

between two people.

Getting off now. Yeah.

Chatting to or pulling or they say something. They say a getting with, but I've had to explain to people that when I say getting off or got off with someone, it just means

like it doesn't mean any more than that.

Of course, because got off means something completely. Yeah, I was just jacking off with someone.

Last night I waged off with so many people at the clock.

If that wasn't yesterday, we can't ask you about it, Steven. It wasn't.
So does the dog wake you up? I know you're in possession ownership of a dog. I am in possession of the dog.

Is that the individual that wakes you up at 8.30? No, so she's crate trained. So she's in a lovely crate, a little safe crate that she loves.
So we let her out. Interruption, interruption.

Crate doesn't sound friendly. No, it just sounds awful, doesn't it? Are they locked in the crate? Can they go in and out of the crate of their own free will? Already we're on controversial ground.

There's Reddit threads being like, it's dog abuse. I mean, to be honest, there's a Reddit thread saying that petting your dog is dog abuse.
So, like, I just don't.

So, no, I would never have done this, but she, when we got her, was already crate trained or whatever, which is basically they just have a safe place they can go to when they're scared that is theirs.

And you do, like, lock them in at night, but she's really happy. Like, she's really happy.

And also, it's a godsend when, for example, my partner's doing a was doing a play and he takes her to the theater and he takes her little travel bed.

And you say bedtime, and she just goes in and like curls off. And if she's scared of something, she'll like go in.
So it's like a little safe place for her.

But yeah, you paint it out nicely because my image of a crate is you've just sort of decayed. It's a picture from...
Yeah.

Or no, you've hammered, it's like a wooden box and you hammer it shut, kind of like a magician before the dog magically appears somewhere else, but the dog does it. That's the thing.

You say to the dog, you're a magic. magician's assistant.
Eventually you'll be getting out. And then 10 hours later, you claw hammer hammer it open.
Every morning, that's what we have to do.

Constant magic in the morning.

Terrible. No, we've decked it out nicely.
She's got loads of little blankets and pillows and a toy in there. And sometimes she has a carrot.
You know, like, it's a nice vibe.

So, no, she doesn't wake us up. That's nice.
The sun, Helios wakes me up. That's right.

Okay, okay. So, what do you do? Do you jump out of bed or do you lie in there in a furious rage? Yeah,

I'd say you pop up and you're sort of shadow boxing, you know what I mean? Against the shadows of the sun and you're like,

you scream, come on, out the window, let's motherfucking go. Let's dance, bitch!

Yeah, I'm fuming whenever I wake up. If it's for a job that's fun, I sometimes don't mind it, but if it's just like I just want to be lying in at all points, so I can't stand it.

So I'm trying this new thing where I don't go on my phone immediately. But that means I lie in bed for like 45 minutes sort of twitching, not quite knowing what to do.

And I know you meant to journal, but I can't. That's too wanky.
I can't do it. I'm embarrassed of myself.
Do you have like a pen and paper like near you?

Like, do you have the aspiration of journaling? Oh, wow, really? It's got like leaves on it. It's there.
The journal is there. Yeah.
I got given one free with a book that said, Woman is power.

And I used that for a bit, but that was too embarrassing to throw that away. This has just got leaves on it.
Oh, and also green pen. I made notes for this podcast that I can't read.

Yeah, I find journaling very difficult. I like the idea of it, but it is, whenever I've done it, it's just me complaining.
Then I put myself in a bad mood. What are you supposed to?

You know, I've attempted to do it as in just whatever it is, just let it all out.

But a lot of the time it comes out like really underdeveloped Seinfeld type observational material, you know, where I'll just be like, what about if your house was made of the same stuff that an iron is made of, then you could just get dressed and lie on the floor and it would take the crumples out of your clothes.

And I finish it and I'm just like, I don't think that did any of us any good. This is just bad gear.

But I feel like that's what I wish my journaling, whenever I do it, was, whereas mine is like a child being like, and then I ate this and then I went and walked the dog and then I came back and then I went to bed.

And then I'm reading like that's not doing anyone any good either. Although you have just, you have perfectly described what this podcast is.

Yeah.

You lie in bed then. We lie in bed.
Contemplating the injustice of having woken up at 8.30 by that prick, the sun. Yeah.
When do we stretch those pins for the first time?

When we stretch them pins, well, I've started now unlocking the dog from her apple crate and she jumps onto the bed and then that's when the day starts because she's very cute.

She likes to kind of get the in any sort of room, she likes to get the smells of the room on her body.

So she just forward rolls all over the bed, and there's all little like nose bridges, quite like woo!

And then I feel, and then I'm like, okay, so she probably needs to go out, so then I will take her for a little walk, a little stroll around the block. Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice way to have something you have to do. Similar to

Max, who has to go for four pram walks a day to try and get various children to sleep. Are you out in your pajamas?

Are you consuming anything before we're just out into the sunshine with the crated dog? Great crate. The crated dog in the crate.
Me just pulling it around.

I've started trying to, but I don't like it, so I'm kind of like really struggling with it. This is like powdery green juice.

So I've started to try and have that in the morning, but it's quite an effort.

It's the Huel version of that AG1. It's like, I used to do a podcast and we got sponsored by AG1 for like a day before they were like,

this is not working. Who are they? Who's AG1? AG-1.

Athletic Greens. Right.
And it's like that podcast, Smartless, with Jason Bateman, is that his name? And Sean. I want to say Sean Hughes, but it's not.
I've forgotten his name. Sean Bean.
Sean Bean.

Sean Bean.

It's the guy from Will and Grace, who's the great theatre actor. Sean Curley.
Is it Sean Curley who won a gold medal with the Great Britain hockey team in Soul 88?

Yeah, and he was also in Will and and Grace at the same time.

They're always talking about, well, Jason Mayman's always talking about AG1.

So when we got sponsored by it, I was like, oh my god, it's like nutritionally everything you could ever need. So I was like, great.
So I had it for a bit and then was like, right, I'll just buy it.

And it's like so expensive that I just couldn't. So the Hule one is less expensive and I don't like it as much.
So I don't have it as much. So I don't have to buy it as often.

It's quite gritty and it like condenses into little balls and you sort of have to be like, oh,

when you're like, I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
Just have an old poached egg or something. Oh, I'll do that as well.
Okay. So, this is just the beverage.
This is pre-walk. Got it.

So that I've had something.

I don't think Huell are going to sponsor your podcast, given that you say. Yeah.

It's the best way to dry wretch in the morning. Huel.
It is. It is hideous.
It smells disgusting. Okay.
So I was like, I don't have a podcast anymore, so I don't need this one. Okay, fine.

I just need them to give it to me every seven weeks. A tiny pouch that I like work through.
So

just because

I fear death, so I've got to do something. But yeah, so I have that, and I'll walk the dog sometimes with that in a little water thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, so that you've got something, but then the dog will do a shit and I'll be like, oh no, no, I've got like something I'm putting in my mouth, and now I'm picking the dog shit.

There's a lot. I thought I've never quite figured out how to do that.
I'm constantly getting it wrong and putting the dog shit in my mouth. Stevie, it's tough

when the only receptacle you have and your dog does a turd is a bottle to get the turd in the bottle. But it is nice because you can seal it up and put it on the mantelpiece.
And for

an old Japanese tradition, isn't it? Good look at it. How did she get the turd in the bottle? That is...

Where do you go on the walk?

There's like basically a little block. There's like a little square near me.
So I just go like around my, like, it's about 10 minutes.

Sometimes, if the tide's out, because I live by the sea, I'll go on the beach, but the tide is different every day, which is not something I realise.

this is a science podcast this is exciting

do you meet the same crew down with their dogs too no i we used to live somewhere where that when i was living in london it would be the same people every day which is both a blessing and a curse because it's lovely on one hand but at the same time like if you don't get on with them you do see them like three times a day every single day and that is quite different so no it's sort of different and there's like a little coffee shop that i will go to most mornings but i didn't go there yesterday.

I went to a different one.

Oh, God, yeah. No, I've been talking about like what I normally do.
I went on a different walk yesterday. Wow, okay.
And I stopped off at a different coffee shop and bought a more expensive coffee. So

what's your coffee? Yeah, this is big. Oh, you'll hate this.
Oh, you don't know yet if I'll hate it. No, I think you will.
I can't have caffeine because

when I have caffeine, I'm not exaggerating. I appear like I'm high.
I'm like, I'm on something. Like I'm really unpalatable as a person.
How long did it take you to work that out?

Did you have like years? Like 10 years. And then also at about four o'clock, I'd have a full panic attack every day.

But like, I guess there's no way of solving this. And then someone was like, have you ever tried not having caffeine? And I was like, that's can't be it.

And then I didn't have coffee and was like, oh, fuck, this is so much better. Yeah.
I tried not having coffee there a few weeks ago for a few days and immediately 10 things were better in my life.

Yeah. And then I just went back to having coffee again afterwards because.
Well, it's delicious and lovely. Yeah.

And it does give you a perk, but you are slightly wired for a few hours, especially with the helencopter makes the French press with God knows how many shovels of brown gravy in it. So, yeah.
Yeah.

My partner has the French, the press thing, and he will put so much in. And he,

I don't sleep very well. So like.
That was the other thing that changed massively.

I sound so boring, but that is, it wasn't like I stopped having coffee and then suddenly I was amazing at sleeping but it's just better but he can have like nine coffees and be absolutely fine i don't really understand like jack reacher that's like jack reacher he is jack reacher yeah he'd love that

so i have matcha for my sins iced matcha with i've got to have something fun in it so there's one that the coffee place near me does which is great which is weird it's got like strawberry jam in the bottom of it like that shouldn't be okay but it's actually it's not a coffee this is it it's not it's not a coffee it's a little trifle and then yesterday i had something i've never had before i was like oh some brown sugar, please.

And then they put like a brown sugar syrup in it. I was fucking delicious.
Yeah.

About eight pounds, but so good. Stop the podcast.
I thought matcha had more caffeine in it than tea or coffee. Like, I just know that South American footballers have all been drinking it for years.

And when their teammates would take a sup, they'd be like, that's disgusting.

But now it seems to have moved into the likes of Stevie Martin. It is caffeine and I should have made this very clear, but it's a very, something about it.

And I'm someone who likes to do research and then get bored immediately. So I stopped reading after like the headline.
But it was like, oh, it's a better type of caffeine.

So you don't get the spike and you don't get the kind of withdrawal. And I don't remotely get wired or weird.
It just like gently allows me to function.

When you tried it first, were you like, this is disgusting? Oh, awful. That's why I've got jam in it.

I've got to have anything in it. Now, if I have normal matcha with nothing in it, it does, it tastes like you've

blended up moss, moss with soil in it.

Like it's really like, there's no like smooth, it's like, ah, like it's really like, ah, you know, when you have like 90% dark chocolate and it just tastes like the flattest

taste in the whole world? It's like,

it's that. There goes another one of our potential sponsors, Max.
Oh, sorry. All dark chocolate.
The matcha deal, the dark chocolate deal, they're all ruined.

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You've had your sort of dry-rich and cuel, and then you've had a cup of moss. Iced moss.
I mean, I sound great. Yeah.
So I'm painting a picture. You're now holding an iced cup of moss.

With a dog shit in it. And you've got a bottle of water with a dog shit in it and a dog.
This is where we are, right? Yay!

Okay, perfect. To give it some flavor, if you just dunk the shit into the matches.
Just briefly. Just dink and we're ready to go.
It's a little biscotty, a shit scotty.

Good. Lovely.
Let's take that to Dragon's Den.

I've bought some samples for Peter Jones to try.

Okay, right. So we've got all these, we've got many things and we are heading home.
Is it a lot? Yes. So yesterday we went back because the tide was in because I got surprised again.

I was like, but it was out yesterday. It was like, yes, that is the nature of the moon and the tides.

So we came back in and then we went immediately back out to have a fry up at this cafe that I really like. Well, no, I say I really like, I really wanted to go to for a long time.

It's like a bit of an institution and the place that I live. I've never been.

The dog sometimes gets bored in cafes and we're trying to work on it so she can't come into a cafe until she's until she doesn't get like bored after 20 minutes and you start barking because I can't be asked with that.

Right, okay. So do you take the crate with you or you tie her up outside? Oh, God, neither of those things.

I just went back home, put her back in the house, gave her some food so she could eat her food in a little puzzle, which she like, she kind of bashes with her paws and then like noses around around six ready.

She's a thousand-piece. Botticelli's birthday's beams.

Some pedigree chum. And we're all off for a set six.

It's very clever.

As the worst dog owner of all time, Stevie just got the dog home, buried the dog in the ground. I'll dig you up in a few hours.
Here's the jigsaw sorted out. We're going for a fry.

I mean, it's quite a leap from this immensely healthy food, and I'm saying that in italics and inverted commas to then just like eating 35 sausages, you know?

Yeah, well, this is why I think I'm it's misrepresentative so far because I'm not like a particular health not or anything.

It's just, I've just like, I just do some things, you know, I can't have coffee because I look like I'm on drugs and the Hue thing is my fear of death. Like it's not like I'm.

No, I know exactly what you mean.

Whenever I do a pram walk up the high street, I always buy a bottle of something for for like five dollars called immune immunity or defense and I buy a carrot and I eat them and then I then I can eat a full Tony's chocolones and have two glasses of red wine at night because I've had a carrot I had Tony Chocoloni's last night that's what we're gonna get to spoiler alert but I look forward to that spoiler alert sorry and I do like that so you can be sponsored by that because that's delicious it's like wonka chocolate yeah but it's all about balance isn't it you can't be well you can very easily be two one way or two the other way but i don't I very firmly refuse to be too healthy because I think then life would be the most boring thing in the whole world.

And also, Sunday is Sunday's fry-up day. Sunday, we tend to go out on a Sunday for brunch or breakfast or something.
Okay, so this is nice. This is nice thing to do.

You and your partner, you are in the cafe. In the cafe.
Have you got the papers? Have you got the observer? We did have the papers because they had papers there.

I bought the Guardian last week on like a SASTA or something. It was like, I mean, it wasn't £16, but it felt like it was like, it was like a fiver or something.
I was like, what the fuck is what?

Sure, it should be a pound. Stevie's just sitting there with the Express, just shaking her head.
God, they are taking this country for a ride. That is absolutely outrageous.

Actually, it's my fault because I've just signed a new deal another three years hosting the Guardian Football Weekly, and I've asked for specifically the money that you spend on the Saturday Guardian to come straight to me.

So that's mine. It's going to a good cause.
That's fine. It would be easier if you just did a bank transfer.
You won't get the papers. Yeah, probably.
Yeah, okay. That's fine.

Okay, so this is what an indylic scene and this is lovely. So you've got the papers.
There's like free papers there. I was really excited to try.

I think we've now tried every sort of breakfasty place in the area. And there is a lot of breakfast places.
This was the last one. And it was the nicest one.
I think I found my one that I will now.

Finally. So the caffeine thing is also because of my bad stomach.
So I can't really, I can have eggs, but I can't have dairy.

So I have, and I'm a vegetarian so I have um veggie sausages two eggs beans I had three hash browns I had bubble and squeak which I think I hate it when they do that because that's not it wasn't bubble and squeak because I don't know what bubble and squeak is but I know that bubble and squeak isn't mashed potato with peas in it which is what I had all right

alongside the hash browns yeah so it was like an overwhelming amount of potato like a ru and because I didn't realize bubble and squeak would be potato we'd had you could get chips as well so we had like we just shared some chips so it was basically like a potato fest i love it you can have as many sauces as you like and no one judged because i like to have basically one of every source i like brown sauce mustard ketchup and mayo and then i'll also put salt and vinegar on my hash browns questions yes i have some big questions here oh yes i understand there's a friend of the show barsa jim who recently called us forgive my language tory for buying lululemon pants on the advice of guy montgomery we did guy montgomery he talked about how nice uh lululemon underpants were we both independently went and bought them and just we're wearing them for the next episode.

Right now you are talking to two men wearing Lululemon pants. I can guarantee you.

So he thinks that mixing eggs and beans, oh, he says beans have no place on a fryer. And I disagree with him totally, but how do you feel about the beans and the eggs meeting?

I, for one, am all in favor, but some people find this a big problem. I've realized I have a real aversion to purely dry foods.
I have to wet my foods.

And an egg, a poached egg, a well, this is quite well poached, so I'd say it was basically boiled. That's too dry for me.
I've got to be mixing it with some beans.

They did the thing which I don't, I haven't had for years where they just put chopped, you know, those are cans of chopped tomatoes or cans of plum tomatoes.

They'll just like put a plum tomato from like the can on your plate.

I don't want that. I loved it.
I really enjoyed that. I used to have that on toast when I, I'm from up north.
Maybe it's a northern thing. I don't know.
But like, yeah, so I love beans.

I think beans without, you know, when you get those like nice fry-ups, again, in massive inverted commas and they put like a tiny little ramekin and it's got like seven beans and you're like everything is so dry and you have to order more and then you're spending like three pound for five more of those plate like it's oh I can't yeah I need quite a lot of beans I agree with you completely and actually Melbourne obviously is known as like a sort of brunch capital of the world but they just fuck around with beans either they don't have them or they won't just give them to you straight no and i want them straight i just want some straight beans and you can't, they'll put some cumin in the beans.

It's too early for cumin. Exactly.
And this is 7 p.m. It's always too early for cumin.
I'm with you, Stevie. 100%.

There should be a 7 o'clock limit.

It should be in a crate like your dog that doesn't open until 7. Yeah, there should be a herb crate for cumin that does not open until 7.
I got some questions here.

What I'm looking to ascertain is the level of hipsterness of the cafe. Chalkboard, is there menus or is it just up on the chalkboard? It's just up on the chalkboard.
Is there live jazz?

Live jazz of any kind?

No. No, there's no live jazz.
This is a shared table. Your elbows touching strangers.

So there were like big long tables in the middle, but then there were booths either side. So we got a booth.
Okay, fine. Booth sounds quite hipstery, doesn't it?

What it is, is it's a genuine greasy spoon that's been updated slightly.

So the food is not like, they've not got, to be honest, I don't think you can get an avocado in there. Like, I don't think that's an option.
But they were nice with dietary requirements.

And that's the level that I like. I don't want it to be like, yeah, there are quite a lot of really like fancy brunch places around here where you get all you can get is like crumpet sliders.

I just wanted to fry up. Like, what are you doing?

Another question, which is, you've got all these sauces. Yeah.
Is there like a quinel of each, like a sort of clock? So your mustard's at one o'clock and your ketchup's at four o'clock.

That is a perfect description. What hell's a quinel? Surely you watch a bit of Master Chef.
It's when you put a dollop, but you do it in a sort of posher way.

It's basically dollop, but I was just trying to, you know. I don't do quinel, but I was really drawn to clock because that, yeah, I do it all around.

And also there's certain like the mayonnaise has to go near the eggs. The mustard can go near the eggs.

The ketchup has to go near the sausage and the brown sauce has to go near the hashed browns because that's sort of where they're going to be ending up anyway. They're natural homes.

I mean, that is too for me. It's too many.
I don't know about you, David. It's too many condiments.
Understood. Beans do a lot of the juicy work for me on a fry.
I wouldn't even have ketchup.

The wet, heavy lifting. Yes, they do the wet heavy lifting.

When Lionel Ritchie sang about being easy like Sunday morning, he was not thinking of these unstable potential compounds that are existing on this breakfast plate.

Well, I've got a niece who's like 13 and she came around to our house and opened the fridge and was like, Why have you got so many sauces? And when we looked in, our fridge is basically all sauces.

I'm a real condiment whore. Like, I just, I don't think there's any meal I have where I don't add some sort of additional sauce.

There was a point where I wouldn't put the amount of sauces I wanted on my fry up, including when I was at a Premier Inn breakfast on my own. I still wouldn't get all the sauces.

I'd be like, someone might look and I'd be embarrassing. And I'm like, I've got one wild and precious life.
I'm having a clock of sauces.

Question. Do you

try and finish the fryer? Do you like go through each thing meticulously? So you end up with like one little bit of each thing at the end, bit of bubble, bit of hash brown, bit of sausage.

No, I eat like... Okay.

My partner says me eating is simultaneously the most unattractive and attractive thing about me. Yeah.
Because I eat like a hog. My table manners are abysmal.
I've had to learn them quite late.

Don't stick your fingers in your own food. That sort of stuff.
Like, I'm quite.

And the same as the Hule. Like, it's very difficult for me to.
So I kind of want all of it all at the same time. There's no kind of like all of that, like just sort of picking and just like chatting.

There's no chatting. It's silent while I demolish.
And then I look up and he's like had one egg. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.
I love that. It's so meticulously set up.

There is a clock of condiments and then you just go left to right, inhale.

In, like, so in. It's like a Hoover.
It's that Hoover from Teletub is like, oh,

it is like that. And when I'm, the worst is when he's away and I'm eating by myself.
And I have caught,

no spoilers, but I had a salad in the evening and it...

I ate it like a horse, like a rabbit in a field. I saw myself from above my body and was like, I need to go and get, I didn't have any cutlery at one point.
It's really, really bad. Yeah.

I only do it when I'm really hungry or if it's before a gig and I just need to get it in. I eat like I'm throwing dirty laundry down a flight of stairs.
You know what I mean? Just

and just we're done in no time at all. Yeah.
And then it's quite disappointing. I've always eaten way faster than like anyone else I know.

And it's always really disappointing because it means that the experience is so much shorter of the food.

I've got a friend who, like when I was at uni and we'd have breakfast together, she would take like two hours to eat a bowl of Cocoa Pops. Like it was so.
Yeah.

And like like to me, that's so stressful that it's.

So, Stevie, I know this is a phenomenon with rescue dogs sometimes, because dogs that were raised on puppy farms, sometimes they would just put a trough of food down in front.

So the dogs would all go for it. Growing up, were you fed just a big bowl was put on the floor and you just had to go for it? Is that where this came from?

There was actually, we would always have like a, as if it was like a sauce or pasta, it would always be on the table and you'd go in and serve yourself from the table.

And my dad, we also ate a lot, I suppose, but there has to be something where I thought that there'd be no food. Dad very much like will finish whatever is in the pan.

Even if it's like, oh, we've made this for the week, he will just keep going until it's done. And so I think there was an element of me being like, well, I, maybe I want more.

So then I suppose me and him are very much like,

I can't do the bulk cooking at all. The batch cooking doesn't work.
It's terrible when your dad cooked lasagna for a month and then just went for it and just couldn't slowly ate all of it.

He's very like respectful. He'll be like, you could have more.
And you're like, well, it feels like you're asking the question, but you're not. Because you are just going to eat all of it.
Yeah.

He suddenly found himself as the second headline on Look North when it's a man in workshop has eaten 58 lasagnas in a day. I have a shared table.

story when we lived in London we were quite near this cafe called JNA Cafe on Old Street and it was really great we loved it it was an Irish cafe Jim and Anne, my parents. Your parents ran it.

They ran it on the side.

Yeah, they had a shared table in the middle, and I'm not against sitting on a shared table, but the bench was a bit high, and the table had a sort of under the table, it was like a bar. So

my thighs would sort of get a bit wedged in. It was a bit uncomfortable.
So I told them I had a bad back. Could we have our own table? And then they remembered that I had a bad back.

And so every time we went there and the breakfast was really good, if I remembered, I'd sort of limp in.

Or, like, they'd ask me how my back was, and I'd be moving very freely. And then I'd have to say, It's actually on the men this week.
It's actually not doing too badly.

Became quite an ordeal to have to remember about the bad back that didn't exist.

So I didn't have to sit on this. I should have just said, You need a lower bench here.
That's what I should have.

You and your football team had your celebratory end-of-season breakfast in JNA Cafe, and you had to pretend that you hadn't just scored 10 goals over the course of the year.

So we have eaten like a a hog. Yeah.
So you're covered in food all over your face and top. What do you do? Next, go for a dip in the sea, try and wash it off.
I'm not a cold plunger in any way.

I don't like being cold. I don't like being plunged.
So I've got a lot of friends that do that and I go and watch or hold the bags. And I quite like that.
So no, I didn't do that.

What I did was I walked back.

So my partner was going away. He's on a job.
So I then, while he packed to go away, I sat on the chair and scrolled on my phone for an hour and a half. Wow.

Wow, wow, great. What a use of a day.
This is great. How comfortable is the chair? Is it a good, must be a good chair? It's really good.

It's actually, we got it for like £10 at one of them British home store shared shops. It's got this very curious hole in the side of it that looks like a bullet hole, like it's been shot at.

So that's sort of why we bought it. So it's quite comfortable, but mainly it's got a bullet hole.
That's why I'm

quite comforting when you're sitting there. You can just kind of put your finger in the little bullet hole.
Sorry, that's good. No, no, no, don't apologize.
That's good. Thank you.
That's good.

Humoring me. No, no, it's a conversation piece, isn't it? Somebody bought this chair and someone got shot in it.
We don't know what it is.

So talk us through your scrolling. Where are we going? Are we starting on Instagram and moving to the serious news? What's the vibe? Yeah, I'm an Instagram scroller.

I do have TikTok on my phone, but I can't deploy that because it's just, it kills me. Like, so I tried to do the thing where you delete the apps for the weekends.
I was doing that.

That was my New Year's resolution.

That lasted a very, very short amount of time because I would just go on, I'd find myself like on the news, the BBC News, just like scrolling that, or I was like scrolling my emails.

And that was actually more distressing than just scrolling. Going into the browser to type Instagram.com.
Yeah. Because you're not on the app.
It's fine. And it's like, it's really weird.

I'm like really into into Reddit these days. Like, I wonder why, because you've removed everything else.
So now I'm just like, I'm on Mum's Net now. Like, it's all that kind of stuff.

It's just like, so the helicopter enjoys looking at horses' hoof videos. Oh, when they're doing the

I look at where people have GoPros on their heads and look for objects in rivers and canals. That's so nice.
And bicycle repair, obviously. But do you have a specific field of interest?

Well, the algorithm at the moment is sort of telling me what my interest is. So I obviously was on everything, and I can't remember because it's doing this has ruined my memory.
But I do.

The main standouts were the opening sequence of. So what's that big massive sphere? Is it in Vegas, that big sphere that was like the blinking eye, or is that in LA?

The sphere. Yeah, the sphere.
So there was the opening sequence to the Backstreet Boys

show,

which

is honestly

mind-blowing. Like, so then I was watching those eclipse of that.
It is honestly one of the most sensational openings to any show I've ever seen. I couldn't believe it.

I was like, well, obviously, you've got to start with like everybody,

but they don't. They start with larger than life, which I think is a lesser version of everybody, but that's fine.
And so I remember watching that.

And then I was like, right, well, I've got to see everything about that. So I watch everything about that.

But then in between that, I can see my algorithm is actually those cockatoos who get excited and their heads go up and then they dance like,

and then what a wholesome algorithm you've got. It is quite wholesome.
It is very animal-based. It's often like this dog was dead, and now

we've nursed it back to life, and it's with this, you know, like, and look at it now. And like, there's a lot of that.
A lot of dogs with mud on them that then don't have mud on them anymore. Yeah.

It's the new rug cleaning, is what they're calling it. Oh, the rug cleaning.
Also, as well,

what I really like is old men in Italy making stained glass windows the traditional way. Oh, that sounds good.
That's really good. That sounds really lovely.

It's not the same. There's an amazing documentary about old Italian men searching for truffles.
And it's called the Truffle Hunters or something. You should watch it.
It's unbelievable.

They're all about 400 years old. And it's just so beautifully shot.
And they just go with their little pigs looking for truffles. You think that's what life should be.
What are truffles?

Are truffles kind of underground mushrooms? Mushroom-y stuff, yeah. They're worth a lot of money.
I know that. Yeah, they are.

My algorithm is either a sort of really ripped man saying, this is what you do with two kids, and you've got to be able to lift one like this and one like this, and then do some chin-ups.

And I'm like, oh, I can't do that. And that, or parodies of Megan Markle and that other quite curious person going, the power of yet.
And it's just, that's all I'm getting at the moment.

That's so mad. Yeah, like my partner went on Instagram for that because he doesn't, he's not really on it.

And then he goes on it when he is doing a show or something to try and like, you know, he's like, oh, I've got to promote it or whatever. Yeah.

When he re-downloaded it and like logged back in, I was like, what? I wonder what your explore page is.

Because when I've not been on it and I've like deleted mine and gone, because I'm a woman, it is all injections in your face and which celebrities have had plastic surgery and how to be thin.

And that's like the kind of base level. And then the algorithm changes to the purrot with its head out doing a dance very quickly when they say, I'm not that interested in that other stuff.

For him, it was just all

nude men doing chin-ups, or just like naked women. Like, it'd be like, Yeah, I didn't get any fit men on mine, I just got like how to inject your face.
And he got like loads of big booby women.

I get the big boobies as well, and it's a lot of the time it's which one of these outfits should I wear?

As if I'm gonna have some valuable input in this, but it's an unusual mixture of a 60-year-old man repairing a bicycle, you know, an older lady looking in a canal with a GoPro attached to her head, and then a young booby lady who is in a quandary as to whether she'd wear a one-piece or a two-piece swimsuit.

I think a profile called Young Booby Lady in a Quandary.

It's a Morrissey. It's an early Morris.
Young booby lady in a quandary. I also also do get,

you know, this t-shirt can make you not look as fat as you are. I get a lot of those middle ages.
I get that. I get these as well.
Yeah. Wear that t-shirt.

And now, I don't know if it's because I recently, you know, turned 46, like three months ago. Now instead of, you know, do this body weight press-up exercise to get fit.
Now I just have.

old men from Southeast Asia telling me to do Tai Chi. That's like, I've gone past, I've now gone to like, you know, you're 70 and get your 20 year old body back by doing Tai Chi.
Click this button.

I'm like, I'm not even like, I'm now too old to just do press-ups. That's what's happened to me.
Yeah, it's beyond. You're not beyond.
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Just on that Las Vegas sphere, Max. So it's this venue where the entire interior is a 360-degree screen on all sides.
Okay.

And I do aspire to playing it. Maybe this tour will be the one that takes me there, but playing a fully acoustic low-key set with on all of the walls, it just says, please download new software.

Please contact Microsoft for a new update written all around.

Playing a tiny little keyboard. That's hopefully where I'm going to take this career.
That's actually very similar to what the Backstreet Boys did.

No, they had a spaceship, of course. Okay, so we scroll for an hour and a half.
How do we feel after the hour and a half? Better about the world? Terrible.

And I realized, in fact, as I think my partner sent me, he was so at one point he was on, he was in the bathroom. He laughed and then sent me something on Instagram.
Oh, yeah.

Then he sent me a very charming video of Gene Kelly from, I think, what's the film? I've seen the film. Singing in the Rain.
No, Alter Ego. And he's dancing with himself.
So they've like shadowed.

it was like at the time, obviously, like mind-blowing. And also, even now, it is because of how precise he is.
It's like a four-minute clip of him and dancing.

And it's, and out of all the things I was watching, that was probably the most interesting. It had like a history and the caption, but I was like, I can't look at it.
I've got to put my phone away.

Really angry because I'd done the hour and a half of the parrots. So I feel at the moment, I'm feeling very aware of my phone addiction because I'm completely powerless at the moment to stop it.

So I kind of threw my phone away like it was hot. Yeah.

Put it in the crate. Lock it in the crate.
Lock it in the crate with the dog. Also, the dog now hates the phone.
So she pours the phone out of my hand and stuff. Like it's really like, oh, God.
Yeah.

She can see how bad it is. You are aware that it is eating into your life though, which is more than most people, I would say.

Maybe, but I think the sad thing is, is I know it is, but I can't stop it. It feels like the bit before I quit smoking.
I used to smoke really, really heavily.

And there was like set in five years where I was like, I really wanted to quit. And I just wouldn't.

I feel like I'm in there, but I don't know how you'd quit completely with your phone because I need it for my, you know, life. To stay on top of the popular culture.

That's why I need to look at big booby ladies in a quandary. I need to.
You just need to.

Okay, so what inspires you to remove yourself from the bullet hole chair? My partner leaves and I'm like, this can't be my day. I can't just continue.
Hang on.

When you say leaves, he's like, I've had enough.

Done. Did you say goodbye? Or you're just on your phone.

He just walks. I'm like, I don't want to watch this Gene Kelly video and say, Leave.
He's on tour for six months and you're like, We're never divorced. It's really sad.
What a day. What a yesterday.

Yeah, I said it was boring, but it was actually incredibly eventful. No, he says goodbye, and then he goes.
Also, I've not mentioned as well, I've got a tortoise.

So at this point, I go and check on her, and she's shat. So I sort her out, pop her in the bath.
Question. Yeah.
Does a tortoise shit incredibly slowly?

Yeah.

Really? So, like, it comes out like one of those indoor fireworks. It's like,

yeah, oh my god, that's a perfect way of putting it. Even slower.
And also, she raises really high up on her legs.

Like, in you know, in the Tom Cruise version of War on the Worlds, or War of the Worlds, or I imagine any version, but I've only seen that one. But there's this really long.

See, Dr. Smith, and there's that tortoise that shits.
Have you not seen it? Dakota Fanning's got a tortoise that shits.

Like, they've got them really long legs.

She kind of like raises up like that and then starts like shaking like this and then shits. She doesn't, she maybe shits like once, twice a week as well.

So which so what's the relationship like between the dog and the tortoise? Very respectful. Um, tortoises, they love each other's work.
I'm just really impressed with each other.

The tortoise used to, when we first got, so we used to live in a like a one-bed flat with like under-floor heating in London, and the tortoise would basically have the run of the flat with like a new build, and it was all safe for her and stuff.

And then we've like been moving, and then we got the dog. And so then the tortoise basically has her own run, but she has her own room that is also my partner's office, but it's not really.

And then we like can shut the door so that we can let her out and she can walk around.

But ever since we got the dog, and ever since the dog was a puppy, we've like taught the dog to be like, don't go near the tortoise.

So she sort of like sniffs her butt occasionally and then just kind of walks out. The tortoise has bitten the dog twice.
Like,

how slow is this dog? Seriously,

how lazy is this dog? She was asleep.

And Alison, the tortoise, like, I also as well, I should have done something about it because basically the tortoise opened her mouth, like the other side of the room, and just walked really slowly.

And I just watched her bite the dog. Yeah, I should have done something, but it was just fascinating.
Sorry, is this an indoor tortoise? Does the tortoise ever go out?

There's lots of school of thought about this, but it's not really warm enough often.

Now it is, now it's summer, but like, no, she's in like a temperature-controlled run. She's also, she's got like

some stuff wrong with her, so we can't just like let her go. Also,

I've got friends who've got family tortoises or grow up with big tortoises. It's like, oh, they just bury themselves in the garden to hibernate.
And you're like, that sounds really cool.

But then there's like, oh, the fox gnawed its leg off. You're like, well, I don't want that.
Like, she's my little friend. Yeah.
She's so sweet.

And so, yeah, we like to kind of keep her temperature control. And then she goes to a tortoise hotel to hibernate.

Holy wow. Hang on a second.
Okay. Deal with suspects.
No, no, right.

Before we even get to the tortoise hotel, another thing on my algorithm, or like me and Jamie often are looking at houses we can't afford to buy. And on

Instagram, a man showing you around this amazing house. And as yet, no one has said, you know, this is what you'll get for $3 million in Melbourne's Inner North.

And they say, and just beyond the en suite, here's the tortoise room. Having a specific tortoise room is something else.
But now I discover you send Alison to a hotel to hibernate.

So how long is the hibernation? So how long does a tortoise hibernate for? Depends how long, how old she is.

So she's, and also now, because she wasn't well, she didn't shit for like a year and it was really bad.

So she had a terrible, yeah, she's got a terrible dehydration kidney problem, which will never be solved. So we have sad, but it is sad, but it is sad, but so she can't hibernate anymore.

But when she did, she would go, yeah, she go for like maybe three ten weeks of like about

the lady had a like these big fridges that would be used for like wine in the summer and then torts in the winter.

Amazing. Really? Amazing.
The longest song in the history of rock music is Tortoise Hotel, California, which

it's just the guitar solo is interminable.

When she couldn't shit, it was because of various reasons. It wasn't mistreatment.
It was like she just just has a sort of disorder. Now we know how to work through it.

But one of the things we had to do was get her a vibrator and vibrate her.

She'll be like to Adam, like, have you wanked the tortoises off?

I love the Daily Mail article. I just cannot wait.
You know, then they would pleasure the tortoise for their own fun. Can I ask you a question? How was the

annual tortoise shit when it came?

Oh, it was mad. Yeah.
It was like, also, as well, the first time. So she was not well.

And then she had like a little operation where they like cut into the shell and had to remove all the impaction that was there and all this sort of stuff. And they were going to put her to sleep.

Like, they were going to basically put her down. And just before she went under, she shat all over the vet's table.
And they had all these like students watching.

So they're like, this tortoise is a marvel. We don't know what's wrong with it.
And then shut everywhere. And it was great.
And then, yeah, like her shits were real bad for a bit. She's back now.

My wife, after giving birth to our first son, and I don't think she doesn't mind me telling this, she had fecal impaction because they forgot to ask her.

And basically, she a week later, I had to ring an ambulance. I didn't ring it for a while because I didn't want to be on the news.

For look at this idiot, he's running an ambulance because his wife needs a poo. And then I really needed to.

And eventually, it had to be manual extracted by a 28-year-old from Manchester who'd just moved to Melbourne for a jolly. She said it was worse than labor.
Oh my god, yeah, Alison had a bad time.

So, when you were rampant-rabbiting the the tortoise, where did you have to hold it? Surely not

on the actual shell. Yeah, so the tummies are hard as well.
It's all shell all around.

So, we'd put the green, of course, I got a green vibrator because she's a tortoise on the floor and then we'd cover it with a little flannel because it just felt too abrasive otherwise.

And also, it would do this.

And then I'd just put her on top of the vibrator, and she'd be like,

Which vet discovered that this is

the thing?

Well, this is after thousands of kind of like CT scans, x-rays, a bug plug, trying to

try to plug it on. Try to strap on, try to stop.
Tiny little beads.

A tiny gimmas. Yeah, the torso's got a strap on.
The tortoise has got a strap on, and it's fucking me. Like, mad stuff.

So the woman that runs the tortoise hotel used to be an exotic's pet. Exotic dancer, I presume.
Yeah, no, I know. Like, she's a stripper and she also looks looks after reptiles.

But she was like, Yeah,

try this. And we were a bit like, I can't, the vet hasn't said this.
So I don't. And then we did it and it worked immediately.
We also gave her an enema. That worked.
Like, so.

Give her a matcha, a matcha tea. Stevie Martin, what time is this?

Oh, now it's like three.

Okay. I'm lost.
Where are we now? You've checked on the tortoise. Okay, that's where we're.
Checked on the tortoise. I've sorted out her.
I've come back downstairs.

Oh, and then when I'm upstairs, I've gone, oh, I haven't like done any like good exercise for, I would say, apart from when I tried yesterday, it didn't work, but I hadn't really done anything good or healthy exercise-wise for like about two and a half, three weeks.

So I was like, oh, I might do one of them Pilates videos on YouTube. And I, oh my God, I've forgotten a massive part of this.
I'll just very quickly, we'll just gloss over it.

It's, I don't want to be too scatological, but it did happen. And I've got to tell my truth.
I blocked the toilet at the cafe.

I had to leave really quickly.

That's never happened before. That's never happened before.
I've always been able to solve it if that happens. And I couldn't solve it.
And there was one toilet and it was full. Like I was full.

And I was like, if someone comes in after me, I'm going to have to kill myself. So then I just went, we paid.
And I just went to my partner, like, we have to leave now. And he was like, okay.

Question. This happened to me once at the breakfast club in Soho.
And when I opened the door, there were like five...

sort of 25-year-old girls in a queue and it was just like i sort of stopped and said look it wasn't me this was there before it wasn't me actually like i hadn't done the thing but i was like this is what shaggy's song wasn't me is actually about yeah

was there anybody at the door when you open the door or was it were you clear no and also i like checked because i i tried again i tried a few times to sort it it wasn't also a normal unblocking it was like the water was like rising yeah and i was like if i flush this again it's going to go everywhere and i'd also had a real right old time of it in there as well so it was like really bad and i was was boiling hot.

And so then this is relevant because then when I was like, maybe I'll do like a Pilates video, I started and within five minutes, I was like, my stomach is not okay. I think I need to not do this.

Yeah.

So I lasted for seven and a half minutes and then I stopped.

It is incriminating when you come out of the bathroom, which is probably very close to the restaurant in this cafe, and there's just like a tidal wave of water with shits in it.

It's just behind like a tsunami. It's just slowly making its way towards the till, as you can imagine.
There's one old couple that knows it's like deep impact. They know they can't survive.

They hold each other. They hold each other while they get

taken out.

Also, as well, I felt so awful because I was like, someone's going to have a really horrible day. Like, if they were on this podcast, they'd be like, oh my God, it was the worst shift ever.

I had to sort this out.

And I don't ever leave it like to be sort of like, I had to disassociate. I had to compartmentalize.
I had to get out of there.

so you only managed to do a few minutes of the seven and a half seven and a half minutes question have you put on a special outfit for it you know have you put on that's for lululemon for example just undies just the lululemon undies no i've got like a sports bra and a pair of shorts and i just like take my t-shirt off and i just do that uh have realized that the houses across can probably see but that's all right it's mainly floor work they were like and now the abs it was like that's just an afternoon i can't do any of this i couldn't lie on my front because my stomach hurts so much.

And it was like, oh, yeah, okay. Do you think it's all the green? Do you think it's like the sort of liters of garden that you drink at the start of the day? No, no, I know what it is.

I know what it is. I got drunk the night before.
I drank

like day drinking. It wasn't like a lot of, but it was like rose.
I don't really drink food, but it's like rose.

And also, like, you know, when like people order things for the table, you can eating bits of stuff and it's like quite rich. It's like rich food and rose.
Yes.

Like it's the day before, so it's not relevant. But this has put a different context on everything.
Now,

waking up at 8:30, then going for a slightly lost walk, surfing and turfing on your phone for an hour and a half. You know what I mean? Now I understand.

If I wasn't hungover, that would all still have happened. Like, I just wouldn't have had the green juice, probably.
That's probably the only difference.

And also, I would maybe have been able to have lasted maybe 15 minutes during the Pilates. I only do 20-minute videos because I get very bored of the woman's voice.

It's just, I I find it interminable. But yeah, I want to say that is still, I think I still would have done the similar thing.
I'm just quite bad at living.

After this strenuous seven and a half minute workout and whatever you may have to do straight after that, where are we heading, Stevie? Oh, yeah, now it's fun. Now it's easy.

Then I watched the Wimbledon final. Oh, great.
Which is great. But it was made slightly stressful by the fact that I forgot the concept of pausing.
So the dog needed to go for a win.

I was just like, for fuck's sake. So I kept like running out with the lead and be like go to the toilet and then she wouldn't and I would go back and be like

And then my partner was like are you watching it? I was like yeah, but the dogs I would she'd have to just wee in the basement like I can't he's like just fucking pause it. Yeah.

And then I realized I could pause. No, but live sport is very different.
I think live sport.

You have to watch it live because if you know you're on delay you just keep forward winding. But especially tennis, you'd be like, oh, just forward wind a bit.

So then I did actually in the end, I did have to have to push because she didn't need a wee. I was being so stressful, but she obviously just couldn't do it.

Cause I was just staring at her being like, go. So then I had to pause it for like five minutes.
And then what happened was I would then spool forward every time there was a break.

But that is this fun stuff where you get like the kind of slow-mo images of like, I don't know, a ball.

It was like one of like a butterfly going across the screen. It's like, I want this.
I want this like color. You know, otherwise I'm just kind of, you know, watching sports.

Stevie, who were you up for? Were you up for sinner or were you up for Alcaraz? So I was up for Alcaraz last time for the Roland Garrows. So this time, because he'd won Wimbledon before,

I know he's world number one, but I was up for Sinner. I thought I wanted him to, because also, hasn't Alcaraz beaten him like the last loads of times.

So I kind of wanted a bit more of like a, oh, bit of a rivalry thing.

And also when he's such a machine, but then when he took his little hat off and he's got all his little curly hair and he did a speech, they both look like little, tiny, sweet little boys.

They're so cute.

I have a question for both of you, which is:

have you ever considered trying to do a gig at centre court? Because that crowd finds literally anything funny.

Like, if a pigeon goes near them, like, they're literally like they've watched all the jokes of Kirby Enthusiasm in like one second. Like, they go completely wild.

You know, if a ball boy catches a ball, which is something they probably should do, they are on the floor, like hitting the floor. They'll tell that story for weeks.

Max, you would think it would be easy, but I did it in Edinburgh preview before the mixed doubles final, and i absolutely died on my arse just as bradley cooper and jimmy carr were taking their seats

i'm doing my material then if your house was made of an iron

and stefan emberg and gabrielle visibatini were warming up next to you and they were like they were not interested in this yeah

But also as well, if you want to get laughs like that, you just go to the theatre. You just put your comedy thing in the theatre section and everyone shits themselves when you say the slightest bit.

Or parliaments are a good place to get a laugh just from your own. You know, where you go, like,

maybe Vince Cable needs to send a cable

to,

I don't know, and everyone's like, whoa!

Like, that's the famous day of the whole world. I love that so much.

Maybe Vince Cable needs to send a cable. Maybe to lay some cable.
I'm all right.

Vince Cable has clearly got a bulge in his stomach and methinks the honorable gentleman needs to.

It was you who blocked the toilet in the slightly gentrified cafe of undiscluded coastal town, Vince Cable.

You should have run out of the toilet and said, I just saw Vince Cable leaving the toilet, by the way. How much goodbye?

This is not the honorable gentleman. Exactly.

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Okay, so we have watched the Wimbledon finals. That takes us through to like half seven, eight now.

Okay.

Yeah, that was a long time. You haven't eaten anything since the condiments.

And to be honest, you discharged a lot of that almost immediately afterwards. So are we going to eat something else? We were promised a salad earlier in the episode.
Exciting.

I did, during the tennis, I ate some Tony's chocolate-only dark chocolate with the almond bits in it or whatever. Sea salty thing.
So that's quite good. So I was like enjoying that.

I had a caffeine-free dark coke, the gold one. Yeah, nice.
Pointless. Bullshit.

Two different responses to that. I was just sort of like saying nice generally, but David really said how he felt.
Yeah, it's fine.

I love the taste of a Diet Coke, but again, I can't have a Diet Coke. A Diet Coke is too much.
I become mad. I ate dinner.

I found some frozen, like I bulk bought like a frozen thing of like falafels that you could just microwave from frozen, which I did. I thought you'd have to put them in the oven.

So a delight when anything can be microwaved. So I microwaved some falafels, had some hummus, made a salad, had that.
Weirdly, I put rice in it.

It's not a salad, Stevie. This is not a salad.
But weirdly, I've got, because where Adam was doing his play,

next door, there was like a sort of Lebanese place that had amazing flatbreads that we'd got. So I had flatbreads, but I forgot and then put rice in it.
And rice, falafel, hummus is a weird.

It's nothing wrong with it. No one's saying anything wrong with it, but it just felt...
like the wrong texture to have added. I feel they're natural bedfellows.

I feel that is something you could easily get on a plane. I feel they need one more thing, though, just to set them off.

I don't know. Is rice and falafel and hummus natural bedfellows? Maybe I've got madness.
I think so. If you had a taboo with it, and you're

fine. Oh, I suppose.
It's to be like cuss curse. No, it's like a

parsley salad. Yeah.
Listen to us. Listen to us.
Yeah. Take this Acastor and Gamble.
We're flying now. Well, in the end, I ended up making a culturally appropriate salad.
So that's good.

But you ate it like a horse, as you told us. You put it in a bag, a nose bag, and tied up.
Well, I got a tray and was eating it while I was watching the tennis.

And then after I finished, there was so much food on the tray. Like, it was like so much, like, half the food.
So there was like, I'd really gone in. And also, I was dipping the falafel in the hummus.

So I sort of wasn't using a fork. I was like covered in food.
So that was when, yeah, I felt really bad about that. Stevie, could you lift that tray in and give it to the tortoise?

It strikes me that that would be popular food with the tortoise. Don't want to give it to us.
A falafel will bung it up. It doesn't need bunging up.

Tortoise, very specific leaves. In the old days, they'd feed them anything and then they'd live to like 70 and you'd be like, God, that tortoise has lived a good long life.

They're meant to live to like 120. So they were dying quite young.
So we've got particular weeds that are sent to us by the tortoise hotel

called speedy weeds. But when I lived in London, women, when I'm complexes, I had like a concierge fancy.
And the concierge once was like, also, you might want to be a little bit more discreet.

And I was like, What you what?

And I realized he thought I was buying weed off the internet.

It's for my tortoise, you moron. So, uh, what I like to do is get to Speedyweed.

Hi, it hits you immediately, and then it goes like real mellowed in for a little bit. I also like a brazen drug dealer who will, if you buy crack cocaine, we'll write crack cocaine.

It's a van, isn't it? Crackcocaine.com, just driving down the streets at Pimlico Plumbers.

Can you sign for this cocaine here, please?

Heroin. Yeah.
Also, there's a little picture of a tortoise. So my like, oh, it's my tortoise did really work because it was a tortoise.

And she did, she used to draw a little line drawing of a little tortoise with little roller skates. Very cute.
That's cute. Because it's fast.
You know,

you know. The one thing that we haven't got from this is...
Yeah.

When I think of a tortoise, I think of like a giant tortoise. You know what I mean? Whereas four people can sit on it and it can take you into town.
Like a really slow boat.

I mean, she's literally there. Do you want to see her?

No, I'd like to see the tortoise, but I presume the tortoise won't be needing the toilet since it went yesterday and it's a sort of once a year type thing. First tortoise on the podcast, really.

It is the tortoise debut. What's interesting is Stevie went into one room and the tortoise was not in tortoise room one.
So tortoise has been. I noticed that.
It's just to run down the street now.

As it's possible. Tortoise has escaped.
The doorknob has fallen off the tortoise room, so I had to go through the adjoining bathroom. Yes.
Oh.

I mean this will mean nothing to the listeners but from what I'm seeing on the zoom this does look like creature comforts the original Ardmann animation and the tortoise is about to start complaining about how cold it is in the winter

how old is Alison 20 20 okay sorry just for the listeners Stevie could you get the tortoise and bang the tortoise off the mic just so the listeners know that the tortoise was there yeah yeah sure i'll use a claw hang on one minute there we go

That's a claw scratching. What about the shell? Could it, if you're not, I don't know, is that too rude to bash the shell?

No.

Oh, that's really good, isn't it? Do you know what? Whenever you're a guest on a podcast and they say, could you just tell us what you had for breakfast? You could say, oh, no, no, no.

I'll test the mic like this and get Allison and just boom, boom. This is what you normally do to the point where soon producers will say, we just need to check your levels.
Do you have a tortoise?

Yeah, if you've got e-trap headphones, if you've got a good mic, and if you've got a tortoise, okay, originally in BBC Broadcasting House, there were just hundreds of tortoises on the ground.

They would check all of the audio equipment.

So you just place the tortoise down now. Yes.
I mean, as we move into the last part of the podcast, just can you not stand on the tortoise? Because imagine if the ending. I'll try.

Our listeners have bonded so much with Alison. Imagine if the ending of this was Stevie Martin, thank you very much.
And you just go like,

clearly the sound of it. I killed.

No, she's fine. So I think, because it's quite hot in here, I had to get her her out and stretch her legs in a safe environment.
Although the dog is here and staring at her, so I will have to

sniffing her butt and off you go, Lee. Very respectful, as we've already established.
Yeah. I have a question.
Yes. So if Allison's going to live to 120, in your will, who gets Alison?

You know, this is, you have to think beyond your own life. Yeah.
I do. I haven't figured this out.
I think, yes, if I have children, then that will have to happen. They'll have to take the tortoise.

Or if my sister's, if my sister has kids. So, like, otherwise, I guess I just have to hope that I make very young friends when I'm old and then bequeath it to them.
Why is she always hanging around?

Why is she always here? She must have some ulterior motive. Oh, and then you lay it on them thick at the end.
Yeah, you just standing with the local youths on the street corner.

I don't want to cigarettes. I'm like, why is she trying to bond with us?

It does remind me a bit of, I bet they're not on anymore, but there used to be in daytime television in the ad breaks, there would be like Dame Thora Heard would have these incredibly bleak ads for like, you don't want to be a burden on your loved ones when you go, so organize your funeral costs.

And if you do it now, you get a fucking pen or something. Jeez.
Carriage clock.

You get a tortoise. A tortoise.

Oh, yeah. Okay, we've eaten.

No, we haven't stretched the tortoise. Sorry, I've got confused with the tortoise.
No, she didn't actually get a stretch yesterday. She was quite active, so I was like, she's fine.
Great.

What I did was, I then thought, so that was about eight o'clock. The sun was going down.
Light was lovely.

So I went for a really long walk, like an hour and a half walk with the dog, which was really,

which is really lovely, but it's very busy around here. So there's lots of like drunk people and lots of litter.

So I've started doing this thing where I pick litter up when I see it, which feels fine, but then I'm just constantly scared that there'll be a crisp packet, but yeah, there'll be like a shit in it, or

it just looks really performative, being like, I'm just picking up litter off the street. But I did a bit of that and I felt quite good.
When you're doing it, do you say that?

Because that would be performative and loudly.

I'm just picking up this litter, actually.

But also, what was really annoying is I found there was like a big pot of coleslaw like right in the middle of the beach. I was like, this is so stupid.

Picked it up, but then there's no bin for ages, so I just had to carry around this pot of coleslaw for like 25 minutes. So it just looked like I'd come out with my dog and my pot of coleslaw.

Or the dog had shot a full pot of coleslaw and you just had to walk along with it.

Just me. I guess I'm a kook.
Did you listen to anything while you were doing this long walk? No, I didn't. I don't really.

Yeah, I tend to just try to be in the moment because I'm obviously such a scrolling screen person that then I'm trying not to be constant need of something. So I just enjoyed the

general gist of the sea. What are podcasts, if not the screens of the years?

I mean, I realize I shouldn't say that as someone doing a podcast, but we actively encourage people to not listen. That's the aim of this.

We don't really release the episodes because we don't agree with podcasting. I overheard someone saying,

like, oh, there was someone on the tube who was just staring straight ahead and they weren't on their phone. And they just had their eyes closed.
And they were just like, it's like, so fucking weird.

It's like, that's what I do when I'm on the tube. Like, I don't like being on my phone, I don't like

to sort of stare at other people and stuff.

But I think that's I guess to not freak people out, you could turn your phone off and then just pretend to be scrolling at us where you're just moving your finger up and down and then popping your eyebrows up and down occasionally.

With my goodness, that is extraordinary.

That is extraordinary.

yeah yeah just like yeah really good acting that was when david gets after the bike bike bike boobies and that's when that's when he says that swimmings she's in a pickle how is she gonna get out of this one

oh what a lovely thing so we have a lovely water an hour and a half water so i suppose we'll be back home it's sort of what nearing 10 o'clock now is this yeah like half nine yeah okay and then i basically and then i was like i'm gonna have a really early night because obviously i didn't nap or and i was quite from over so i got into bed oh no i had had a shower and I tried a new fake tan out, which hasn't actually worked, which is really annoying.

I'm very pale and I like to, you know, look like I'm alive.

Is it one where you apply it with a mitt or do you go into like a little kind of a like where they re-spray cars and spray yourself with a tiny hose?

Neither. So I've been experimenting with the mitt.
I did get a few months ago the car hose spray. It was just too much.
It was just too, it was just crazy. And also, it goes in like three days.

You're like, I've spent 25 pounds to be fully nude with a woman spraying me. This is, I don't want to do this every three days.
Like, this is mad.

Yeah, there's already so many things, so many things to do. And so, I've now, I now tried one that is like a moisturizer that's got a bit of tan in it.

And you just put it on your hands, and you just don't, you don't have to like wash it off, or you don't have to use a mitt.

And it's like, I'm trying to do like the lowest maintenance, yeah, but it has streaked, so I've got like I look like I've sort of dipped my knee in brown sauce, you know.

Like, I I mean, I'm not a scientist, but I do remember once hearing that flamingos are pink because they eat prawns and pink type stuff. Okay.

If you were to eat like bourbon cream. If you dipped that shit for a bit longer in your matcha.

If you were to drink a lot of LucasAid, you know, something like that, maybe, would, would that eventually be.

There was a big TikTok trend of girls eating like 17 kilograms of carrots every day because it turns you orange like you're tanned. You get like carotene poisoning.

So they're like, this is the great way of tanning. I was like, I don't want to do that.
I'm already having a terrible time gastronomically.

Imagine adding, I mean, you're doing quite well because you're having your one carrot. Yeah, sort of one.
Probably every other day I'll have a carrot. And

I have a little orange. I look like I'm the ready break advert.
I'm just a little orange. Yeah, orange glow.

Orange and Tim. Imagine the tortoise looking at you with the 17 kilos of carrots.
Look at Toris and be like, you want to be very careful with that love.

You're going to have to get a huge vibrator to try and

shake that loose. Oh my God.
Tortoise is off. Hang on.
No, come back. Come back.
So actually it turns out tortoises are quicker than I thought. She's run off.

I'm just going to put her in the pen because she's running off too much. No, I like this live actuality, David.
It's good. Yeah, I know nothing about torti, as they're called whatsoever.
Come back.

Stevie, if you stood on the tortoise, okay, and please God, that will never happen. Do you think it would sound like a taco?

Or do you think it would sound like a bag of crisps?

No, no, thicker. It'd be like a plate had broken.
Oh, no. Yeah.
It's like crockery. Like, the shell's so thick.
Also, it wouldn't crack as well if you stood on it. Like, she's so hardy.

She was threw herself off a sofa onto a wood floor that was quite high up. It just sounds like.
It's a real cry for help, isn't it? Like this.

Like, it was so solid.

Yeah, they're incredibly hardy as animals.

Stevie's not abusing animals, but that noise was her just taking an encyclopedia and bashing the tortoise. Sorry, yeah, I didn't beat the tortoise up.

And it sounded like this. Bosh, bosh.

So, do we go to bed then? Oh, yeah. I did all the dishes and all this boring stuff because I like to wake up and have like a nice kitchen.
So I did all that, and that's boring.

And then I went to bed, scrolled on my phone for another hour. Oh, now I was like, well, I can't go on Instagram.
So I went on Substack, which is now basically just like Twitter. It's like a timeline.

So it's much of a motion of this. But I like, oh, it's for writers.
So it's actually better, but it's not. Never looked at us.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just like it's lots of articles. That's fine.
And so

went on that for a while. Then read my book.
Oh, yeah. I'm reading a really fun, really lovely book called Still Life, which is really funny and it's quite rare for a book to be funny, I think.

But anyway, really enjoying that. Who's it by? I'm going to say Sarah Winman.

She wrote a book called Tin Man, which I took on holiday and it was so devastating. It made me cry.
So I was a bit worried about reading this one, but actually... Sarah Winman.
Sarah Winman.

It is Zara Winman. It's great.
Oh yeah. And then I'm also reading another book, like I'm reading a non-fiction book about how to write fiction.
Two books. You're reading two books.
How does that work?

Do you need a page of one, page of the other? Word of one, word of the other.

I'm not learning anything. I'm not learning it.
Nothing's going in.

No, I go through like phases where I'm like, I'd really like to write a novel. And then I try and it's so bad.
And I just get very disheartened.

So this time I was like, next year I'm going to try and write something long form because I do lots of like sketches and short things.

And I really would like to do something that takes, even when you're writing an Edinburgh show, as you know, David, like you get instant gratification all the time because you go and do previews and you go and do a gragos.

Imagine, I just can't imagine writing something for ages that no one says anything about, and you just don't lose confidence. Like, I don't understand how you do that.

So, I'm trying to write, so I'm reading loads of like, I'm reading like The Artist's Way, and there's another one called, Oh, I can't remember, Story Genius, and like lots of books like that that I'm highlighting furiously.

And then I got too into it, and then that woke me up.

And then I ended up going to sleep at like half 12 with the dog in the bed, which I'm not allowed to do because when I do that, the dog then goes, I don't want to go in the crate.

And then every night when I go to bedtime, she runs upstairs and gets into bed. And then my husband's like, Why is she doing that? I'm like, I don't know, it's a great mystery.

And it's because every time he's away, the dog goes into bed.

I've got the fan on really close to my face, and I'm scared that I can't hear if someone breaks in, so that's why I have the dog because the dog will go crazy.

So, you've got in the bed in this order: the tortoise, the pot of coles, law, the dog, and you, just the four

fan balancing on the bed and abolish it, abolish it, loads of books

and a vibrator in case the tortoise can't shit.

In case you need anyone needs a toilet, then you're going to be able to get it. If anyone needs a toilet, then I've got that.
Do you pop on a little PCAS to get to sleep, or is the menagerie enough?

I should have done that because I don't do that when Adam's here because he sleeps really well and that does not help him sleep.

Because also, like, he's been really like, I used to listen to that calm app where it would have sleep stories. And the amount of times you've got, no, it's fine.

You can, because I don't like having headphones in when I'm asleep. But, like, it's fine, have a listen.
But then when I'm listening to it, I can hear him sort of laughing, being like, this is lame.

And so, I can't focus.

When he's not here, I absolutely should make the most of it and do that. I didn't think.
And tonight, that's what I'm going to do because he's not here again.

So, I'm going to definitely, I'll listen to a podcast, or maybe there's that audiobook called This Audiobook Will Help You Sleep, which is really good. Have you read that? Listen to that.

It would be funny to read it. This audiobook will help you sleep.
No, I went to the source text on that one. Yeah.

Kept me up if anything. Yeah.
That was a nice day. It was

one of the first Sundays I think we've ever had. We've been doing this for nearly a year now.

Interestingly, I think it's the second Sunday we've ever done and the first Sunday was niche and both were more scatological than a normal weekday. Wow.

That's probably why, because you're just like expelling the week, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Getting it out of your system for Monday. You said that in the cafe.
You said, I'm really sorry.

I just expelled the week in there. Someone better go in.
I had a big week, so you're going to have to sort of. Expel the week.

Was Darryl O'Brien's follow-up show to mock the week, and people just didn't want to see that. He didn't want to see it.
Me and Nish loved it, but no one else.

No one else. Team captains.
Team Captains on that one.

Oh, I'd love that.

Cute Dennis just squatting over a bucket. Like, this is not the wrap-up of the week that we needed here.

Stevie Martin, thank you very much for coming on. What did you do yesterday? Thank you for having me.
It's been an absolutely eye-opening experience.

Our tortoise debut, David. And I'm for one, I'm delighted we had a, I've now had a tortoise.
Does Super Vet have a podcast?

And if he did, I don't think there'd be a part end where you'd have to clarify that he dropped a book on the table and not dropped a tortoise on the ground to let us know.

Vibrator and the tortoise. And I don't remember the episode of Super Vet where he said, now get this dildo and you can remove the stool from any reptile you choose.

We need to make it clear, though, that we have had some criticism of too much poop talk, which we've virtually eradicated from the midweek episodes, Max. In fairness,

that one is, with the exception of the bath and come, that is almost squeaky clean now. And we need to go whatever way the guest takes us.
So Stevie blocked the bathrooms. The podcast.

She blocked the podcast

with her shit.

I don't know her well enough to say that. I would say the thing is, once the podcast has got to the level we're at, David, it is now not our fault to keep this.

We're trying to get mainstream and we are trying to keep this podcast out of the toilet, out of the U-bend, out of the system.

And occasionally we get a guest that drags us straight in there. I would say that you could argue that you and I,

once led to there, we will drink about that. There is no doubt.

You can lead a guest to the latrine, but the bowl must be filled. Isn't Isn't that what they say? And we did have to edit out all the stuff where Lineker shot out the wagon wheel.

Well, of course, yeah. Do you know the interesting thing about Lineker sitting at the wagon wheel is it comes out as a perfect wagon wheel as if he hasn't eaten it.
It reforms again.

Exactly, yeah.

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hey thank you david i had fun should we do it again yeah we'll do it again i was thinking you know you look around the world and you see everything a lot of the time i think that's showbiz

everything

is in fact showbiz you're absolutely right thanks max thanks david