S3 EP3: Guy Montgomery

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday for the tape we've just finished recording this episode.

It's a good one, in my opinion, David.

Were you to pass away?

I think today's guest would be a very good replacement for you.

Yeah.

Because I think so.

You creepily bond a lot over the course of this.

We do.

It's Guy Montgomery, who

is a huge comedian.

He's from New Zealand, from born in Wellington, I think.

And I met him first

maybe 10 years ago.

Yeah, I met him 11 years ago.

He did his first show with former guest Rose Mattefeo.

He got early into podcasting with a series of podcasts that he still does with Tim Batt called The Worst Idea of All Time.

We discussed this a little in the app.

This will give you an idea.

This is such a vibe.

He has a podcast called Tildethos Du Blart,

where every year on the same day, Thanksgiving, I think, they watch Paul Blart Mal Cop, the movie, and record a podcast immediately afterwards once a year.

And if one of them dies, in the terms of it, is they will be replaced by someone else, such that Tildethos Du Blart will

never ever end.

He is the host of one of my favorite television programs, which is called Guy Montgomery's Guy Mont Spelling Bee which started in New Zealand and got huge and now they're making episodes of it in Australia.

It's one of those shows where I don't know why it's not everywhere around the world because it's clearly not that expensive to make and it's just a blum and spelling competition.

I think he's a wonder.

I love his stand-up.

The new series of his spelling show is starting in Australia now where he's on tour.

It's great to have him with us today.

It is three people together who've all cracked Australia

like the Bee Gees.

Are you talking about the Bee Gees?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyways, me, you, and Guy could be the next Bee Gees, couldn't we?

Anyway, here is what Guy Montgomery did yesterday.

Guy Montgomery, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Oh, thank you, Max.

And might I say, welcome to you.

Welcome to you, David O'Doherty too.

Welcome to all of us.

The trickiest part of organizing this, because this was one of my bookings.

One of the very few, let's be real.

As Guy is in Sydney at the moment, you're in Melbourne.

So there was quite a lot of faffing as to a time, I'm in Dublin, as to when we could all be on this.

But I use the term,

I mean, this is going to reflect quite poorly on him, but in organizing this, I said it'll be 10.30 GMT, which is time in Ireland and Greenwich, for example.

But he thought I meant Guy Montgomery time for GMT.

That is an extraordinary,

it has its own abbreviation.

Well,

in my defense, I did have a joke last year where I talked about sort of reappropriating GMT to be more reflective.

Because, you know, around this part of the world, Greenwich is meaningless to us.

And, you know, I'm making an imprint down here, David.

And secondably, I'd like to say, as the host, the producer, the booker, very often, if you are reaching out to a podcast guest across oceans and time zones, you will do the math.

You will offer not just the time zone that works for you, but the hypothetical time zone that might function for the guest.

You make a good point.

And not only that, he really has a case study working quite closely with him in exactly that time zone.

Has recorded every podcast, pretty much, in this time zone.

Like, he's had it on a plate.

Exactly.

But what I want to drill down into here is if GMT Guy Montgomery time is going to become the central time of, say, Oceania or whatever you want to call the general region where you are a lot of the time, does that just change as to where you are?

That's the thing about Greenwich Mean Time is it's based in Greenwich.

So that is obviously one of the few strengths remaining when you argue for Greenwich Mean Time is the consistency.

He doesn't tour as much, Greenwich.

You know, that's the thing.

Greenwich got one job at the start and just locked in and said, I've got this.

It's a different market now.

You have to diversify.

And I will say I'm open to negotiation.

That is one of the challenges with Guy Montgomery Time becoming the the default time zone from which everyone in the UK and Ireland operate from.

Yeah.

And I mean, also, like, everyone else works off it, don't they?

So, like, that's a lot of responsibility for you because the whole population of the earth

depend on where you are.

No, no, no.

See, you are also, your brain is also broken because you are from the United Kingdom.

And so

you are too deferential to Greenwich Mean Time.

Greenwich Mean Time is an obstacle to progress.

It is a hangover from a colonial

era, sorry, an area,

the UK, which we will no longer abide.

And Time Zone Calculator is the new alpha papa of timekeeping.

TimezoneCalculator.com for all your time zone needs.

Is this our first?

Because we are yet to actually be sponsored by anyone, much to our surprise.

Wow.

So I'm happy for that to be the first, then to throw some.

Lineker did mention wagon wheels a lot.

Yeah.

And so I am slightly suspicious.

He's mentioning Time Zone Calculator.

I'm shocked Lineker's not snapped you up.

I thought by the time I was on, this would be called the rest as yesterday.

See, I think if I was Wagon Wheel and I don't want to do us down, I'd probably go straight to Lineke.

I think

they might miss out the middlemen.

He's soft launching the sponsorship.

All right, guy, come on.

Where did you wake up yesterday?

Well, I woke up in my bed, one of my favorite places in all the world to wake up.

Marvelous.

I woke up on the right-hand side of the bed.

Yeah.

If you are me in the bed, If you're facing the bed, you'd say it's the left-hand side of the bed.

Yeah.

And my partner Chelsea was on the other side of the bed.

Oh, wow.

Surely it's the GMS, the guy Montgomery's side.

I take my acronym reappropriations one at a time, Max.

I'm not too crazy.

And I woke up at, I would say, approx 6.30 a.m.

Wow.

Another one of these guys, Max.

Another one of these guys.

Where are we?

Where?

We're in Auckland, New Zealand.

Great.

we are in Mount Roscoe and I will say no more for fear of doxing myself

and we are we're actually surprised to be awake at this hour because I had an alarm set for 715 and the body just did its thing at 630 and historically I can go back down for my 40 extra 45 minutes but on this morning I was up Is it a I'm up, you're up household with you and Mrs.

Montgomery, or did you leave your wife to sleep?

Great question.

Thank you.

It is a good question.

I think the notion that she is being referred to as Mrs.

Montgomery, as someone who is not my wife, even if she were to be my wife, would absolutely balk at the idea of taking on the Montgomery surname is hilarious.

And I demand that that edit point stays in.

That would have been one of the earliest samurai swords in your podcast, Max correcting his assumptions.

But no, so I am historically, I'm up first in our house.

So I leave Chelsea to continue sleeping and I lay next to her for 10 to 15 minutes, I would say,

to sort of give myself a window of opportunity to fall back asleep, but it doesn't come.

And so I think, you know what?

I'm going to take some time to be in this house by myself before anyone else is up.

Question.

Have you thought, oh, I have to do what to do yesterday, tomorrow?

Yet?

Not yet.

Not immediately.

But that thought, like the sword of Democles, that thought does at various different points hang over the day.

Once I am up and about, but the point at which, which is not immediate, but the point at which I'm looking at my sort of, you know, what's in front of me for the day, I am sort of looking at it through the prism of how will this reflect upon me when discussed and analyzed on the podcast.

I must also say I'm a fan of the podcast.

I love hearing about people's yesterdays.

And so I suppose it's a funny thing, isn't it?

The dream is to just rock up and not know or care about any of it but as someone who enjoys the granular analysis of days I'm feeling quite self-conscious if you're as a fan of someone's yesterdays it's lucky we began this podcast because until this you actually had to go and ask people and that is a faff isn't it and now you just get it served to you this is the dream this is the dream i'd be walking around auckland's high street listening to all mccanny's yesterday just randomly asking strangers what did they get up to to recently?

Okay, so where do we go?

Where do we've got the whole house?

It's all yours for upwards of half an hour.

Wow.

You know, what are you going to do with this stream time?

So first things first, I want to put coffee in the pot.

You know, this is a classic way to start the day.

I want to get the coffee on.

We are running a Macha Master,

which was at the research and suggestion of Chelsea because that means if we're running different timelines in the morning, the coffee stays hot.

It's still only one round of coffee making.

Very clever.

However, I discovered that we are out of Macha Master filters.

So hang on.

You can't presume everyone knows what a Macha Master is.

So it's presumably American diner style one with the drip, drip, drip.

No, it's a small Italian gentleman who makes fantastic chocolate cappuccinos.

Your initial suspicion is absolutely on the money.

It's basically, it's the American diner for at-home use.

Yeah.

This is Jack Reacher coffee.

This is the coffee that Reacher drinks.

So I'm automatically impressed with because he's who I aspire to be.

Beside it, Guy, do you have a water cooler with small spear-shaped paper cups?

You know,

good question.

It's got a real cop station vibe, this whole house.

I have never understood the conical cup.

I don't know if I've missed some generational moment where I meant to understand why the conical cup is running next to these water coolers.

It is a triumph of engineering when the water doesn't come out the very sort of narrow hole at the bottom, but it blows my mind that it's in circulation at all.

Max, do you know what I'm starting to think here?

Tell me is that he's leaving out key details.

So from the coffee machine, it's clearly a police station.

Okay.

Is it possible he has been in the cells?

That's why he was cagey cagey last night.

Him and his partner were both taken in for some.

I mean, we can't ask because it was yesterday.

As yet, we haven't established if Chelsea is Mrs.

Montgomery.

That just might be a cellmate.

It's possible, isn't it?

You're both arching back to sort of the Pier Nivelli arc of the podcast, which is that this is some sort of meta-intertextual narrative in which all of the loose strands will eventually connect with one another.

Look, I'd like to reassure David that this is not a police station.

And I would like to circle back to Max saying he aspires to be Jack Reacher by saying, What part of you or any of the ways that you carry yourself would even suggest to a stranger that this is the case?

That's one of the most incongruent sort of aspirational sentences I've heard in my life.

I didn't say I was close to achieving it, but I just like that, you know, there is one thing we have in common, which is he once said, sleep when you can, like a Marine.

And I very much hold that true.

Like, sleep when you can you don't know like when the next chance is going to be and i mean i have a sort of similarity to clothes which is very much i wear the clothes on my back and when they're really running out i will toss them into the into the dumpster and buy a new set but there are other bits of our lives that are different yeah also

in the second jack reacher film it's revealed just in passing that he does five hours of podcasting about football every day that's another similarity

that was left out the tv bit tom Cruise didn't want that bit.

Max, the parts of Jack Ridge that you sort of are reaching towards are like the laziest kind of most incidental to his insane lifestyle.

Also, I mean, I could knock anyone out.

Oh, yeah.

I can survey the scene and just go, I'm elbowing him in the face, I'm chinning him, I'm breaking his neck.

Yeah.

That's what I'm normally, when I walk into a room, that's what I normally do.

So is this like self-aggrandizing analysis or is this honest analysis?

So it's like you know when you could, and it's nearly always when you walk into a kindergarten in any other environment.

You're finding the same numbers and you're like, no, no, no, no.

So first I need to liberate the little tyke's house and then I need to get on that low-speed motorbike and ride straight out of here.

That's the order I'll

take over this kid.

Okay, so we've turned on the Macha Master, but we have no filters.

We have no filters.

This is a problem.

What are you going to do, guys?

Use something else.

Immediately, my thought becomes, okay, the Macha Master's out this morning.

We also have a Chemex, one of those sort of large glass coffee makers where you put a conical filter, which could be reappropriated, but I don't think that at the time, at the top.

But this is what we were replacing because this meant if I made the first wave of coffee, the second wave is no longer fresh.

And so I think, do you know what?

I'm going to hold off on the coffee.

I don't need the coffee.

Wow.

And so instead, I reach for my phone, which is charging on the kitchen bench, and and I settle into the work of my morning word puzzles, which is

one of my favorite parts of the day.

You know, probably actually, yeah, one of the highlights of every day, which with time to reflect is kind of insane because it is basically the first thing I do.

So the entire day is falling action from this moment.

This is the pinnacle.

Yeah.

What are you going for, guy?

We're beginning with Wordle, I presume.

That's everyone's go-to start, isn't it?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wordle is like a sort of throwaway dessert.

It's the after eight dinnerment of the word puzzles.

And the real meat and potatoes is the Quirdle,

which, as I understand, does not have its own standalone app.

You have to open your preferred browser on your phone and look up quirdle.com.

And it is four simultaneous wordles.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

And you get nine opportunities to solve.

So every guess you make appears across all four different wordle guesses.

And then you're honing it on which ones you're trying to focus on you know you're trying to shed yourself of your vowels and consonants up top and then you're you're really working towards

eight is sort of par seven is pretty nice six is like whoa we are in for a day right my colleague enjoys squerdle and is squeridal just four wordle i mean no i did that one for a bit it was just too much for me yeah what is squaredal squaredal is like got a grid and it might say look that you can find 68 words in this and then you just go line, lines, spine.

You know, you just go round and round and round and round and it's quite fine.

Then sometimes it's like a 16-letter word and when you get that and you go all the way around like a big snake and it goes a million points.

It's actually quite sad.

It's quite satisfying.

I like to go to bed to that.

Are you describing a word find?

Yeah.

I mean,

in a sense, yes.

But because it's got Erdl on the end of it, it feels very much part of the family.

The suffix erdle has, you know, reached saturation point a while ago.

It's, it's meaningless now.

For me and the helencopter, doing these puzzles is something we do together.

Whereas both of you, just Jack Reacher it alone,

he does puzzles a lot in that thing as well.

Do you know, I've tried to bring Chelsea onto the quirdle wave to no avail.

It's not that she doesn't like it or enjoy it.

It's just not sort of built into whatever reptilian part of my brain must immediately solve a word word puzzle when I wake up that is absent from her.

It's part of what makes her magic, and I love her for it.

And thankfully, though, three of my immediate family members have the same disease I do.

So I'm in a thread called the Quirdle World Champs with Papa Montgomery and the two sisters Montgomery.

And every day you do your work and you submit your scores, and then you either get a pat on the back or cruel admonishment.

And I'm happy to announce that yesterday I got it out in six.

I got the very rare four, five, six.

And I even got a text from dad who's abroad who said something to the, I'll actually, you know what, I'm going to dig it up for you.

Please do.

Yeah, please do.

First of all, he said, well, that won't get beaten.

And then he said, I just explained it to your mother.

She thinks you are very clever.

And then he said to my little sister, he said, she hasn't voiced an opinion about your cleverness, Annie.

But an effort-matching geezer would be sure to get her attention.

Wow.

There's pressure on Montgomery's sister now, isn't there?

This is exciting.

That's right.

And so Annie then submits her score about an hour later, but she finishes on nine, which is like scraping by.

That's bogey.

Okay, yeah.

And she says, does mum still love me despite this effort?

And he says, yes, she does, but her efforts have given her a great appreciation for her son's genius.

Are you the favoured son?

That's what we get from this.

Do they come to your shows?

Do they voice an opinion afterwards?

Not there's a sense of pride now that it's working out, but for a long time, dad couldn't come because of his fear of my failure.

He couldn't stomach watching the chance that his son was about to not be funny in front of how many people I had managed to assemble.

But more recently, as the odds tip further and further in my favor with each gig, he's learned to enjoy it.

The favoritism is not based on rearing or upbringing.

This is purely based on performance in the Quiddle that day.

Okay, I understand.

So it can change on any day.

That's good.

Have you considered inviting other Montgomerys?

I'm thinking specifically Colin Montgomery.

Oh, the golfer.

Famous, he never won a major, but could be good at these sort of things.

Different spelling, so sadly ineligible.

Oh, I see.

He's asked to join.

He keeps asking.

Say, Colin, I'm really sorry.

This is a request that we all just have to ignore every morning.

What about Percy Montgomery, the former South African rugby fullback?

Would be welcome.

Can't get a hold of him.

Ah, I see.

So if you are Percy, if you're listening, what a wonderful moment that would be.

We feel a great sense of achievement on this podcast.

He was an outstanding player, and didn't he look a dish while he was running around out there?

Absolutely unbelievable.

Yeah, peroxide blonde and a peroxide moustache.

Oh, that's the guy.

Yeah, okay.

So he wouldn't be, if he was one of the forwards, his fingers would be too thick to do.

I just don't imagine anyone in the pack could really do a wordle.

They've just got massive Dom jolly phones.

That's all rugby forwards have.

What is mad?

As a fan of yesterday's, you know, I've listened to these and I see the trap you fall into.

And I always think, these suckers, man,

you want to give each fight of the day equal opportunity to shine.

We're talking about Percy Montgomery out there waiting for the

no coffee.

I don't even know if it's seven o'clock yet.

Yeah, you have found a sort of flaw in the poke.

Very much.

I think there was one recently where it was just like, we were like, oh, shit.

We can't say anything, but we're just like, and then and then, and then and then, and then good night.

And it was like, the last five hours we did in about three minutes.

But no one seems to have voiced any complaint yet.

I don't know if people are upset about it.

I've actually got to say, and this is working against the issue that just prompted me to raise, you know, any discussion about title in the first place, is I remember I was at the tail end of the Edinburgh fringe last year in 2024.

I was having a beer with you, David, and you had the wind beneath your sails.

You were telling me my friend Max has come up with the most electric idea for a podcast.

You're spitting on the name of podcasts.

You're saying they're muck, they're filth, but this, no, this germ of a concept is worthy.

I mean, let's get into this just very briefly before we move on with the day.

So Guy has always enjoyed a podcast.

He's probably 10 years into podcasting right now.

Wow, okay.

But his podcasts are esoteric isn't the right word.

So one of them he watched Fast and the Furious 10, 10 times, Fast and the Furious 9, 9 times, Fast and the Furious 8 with his friend Tim Bat.

And then they'd make the guest watch the latest.

These are great ideas.

Yeah.

It's amazing no one had done this before.

And so I had to watch Fast and the Furious six maybe or seven the one that is regarded as the classic and because their brains were broken because at this point they'd watched 30 bad fast of the furious

when i wasn't that into i think they were just happy that there was a semblance of plot in this one you'd also opened your hotel door to a hostess you were a most gracious host we were excited thank you to be in the company of Doddald, but also to be in the company, you know, in a hotel room and to have fresh eyes on the movie.

That's always what we were looking for, was fresh eyes.

My point is, maybe the reason I was so excited about this as an idea for a podcast is it didn't involve such faff as making the guest watch two hours of a shit film while dragging all your equipment over to their place.

You flatter yourself, this required me to live through 24 hours of my own life.

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I mean, I did once, I don't know if I mentioned this to you, David, but I once arrived when I was doing the overnight show on BBC London, two till six in the morning, in around 2006.

You may not remember it, guy.

I had two producers, so I was very excited.

So, I made one of them sit in another studio, and I made him count for four hours, and we just faded him up occasionally to see.

And, like,

feels like an idea that you would like.

And actually, it was curiously gripping.

I mean, he almost died.

He almost died.

It was like, for him, it was absolute poetry.

We'd just go, Will's in studio two.

He'd be like, 684.

And then we'd just fade him down.

And, you know, what did he get to?

I don't know.

I can't really remember what he got to.

Then I've done it as wherever I've gone, I've taken it with me as a kind of signature thing that people don't seem to think is a good idea, but I'm really committed to counting.

I think it's a grand idea.

Heinz Tinner Beans, you know, shreddies, peas.

Literally, there are so many things you can count.

It's a sort of endless.

In the same way that no one, you don't really, you know, think about quicksand very much anymore these days.

Similarly, I definitely, a lot of my childhood was spent thinking about the concept of the speaking clock and the belief that it was one person

who, when the phone rang, would just immediately resume the speaking of the time.

Some descendant of Greenwich, some nepo baby

guy, we have to focus, I'm afraid to say.

We've got out the second, we've got out the reserve coffee maker.

And then you say no coffee.

So then then what are you doing your word games?

You've done your first puzzle.

You've impressed your dad.

What's next?

At this point, there's only two to get to in the morning.

It's your quirdle, and then you get into your wordle.

And the wordle

is, I'm actually in a thread with people where I'm the only one submitting at the moment, but I refuse to feel self-conscious about that.

It does mean I don't spend as much time reflecting on the performance.

I just pump it out, you know?

Yeah.

Okay.

So yesterday, how'd you go?

I got it in four.

Let me see.

Yeah, I also got it in four.

I can't remember what the word was, but I got it in four.

No, of course.

How could you?

I mean, it would be crazy to remember.

Unless you get it in one, there's no way you're going to remember what the word was.

Or you failed.

That's the other way.

Yeah.

But it's, you know, every day the hard drive is wiped.

There's no way of knowing what word it was.

And even though at the time it's the most sort of intensive concentration and important thing you can work on.

Interestingly, I think today's word line began and then something happened.

And so I haven't finished it yet.

But it is my day today for the midweek episodes of these so you know I don't yeah I don't want to go against a bit of a spoiler for Donna which will come out first certainly for those playing along at home something to look forward to thank you guy all right okay so we've done our quizzes we're waiting for mrs Montgomery to stir

but there's still time yeah yes I'm robed so I'm wearing a dressing gown I got given for my birthday last year which is one of my great joys at home.

And I realized there's still these people, unless woken, I understand.

So there's Chelsea and then there's my stepdaughter, is also in our house, who's nine.

If I don't stir them, they're going to sleep till 7:30.

And so I think, do you know what?

I've done the word puzzles, I've looked at what's in front of me for the day, and I think this is probably one of the chances I'm going to have to enjoy something for me.

And so I turn on the television and I watch 15 minutes of Roland Garris.

Okay, who's playing?

Who's playing?

To the listeners who may not know, that is not a chat show hosted by a vivacious Frenchman called Roland Garras.

That is the French Open, the Clay Court major, where the rallies tend to be quite long and there's a lot of grunting.

I'd say it's the gruntiest of the majors.

It is.

It's one of my favorite majors as a long-time Ruffin Nadel fan.

And I managed to turn it on to watch, I'd say, 15 to 20 minutes of Yannick Sinna absolutely obliterating Rublev, Andrei Rublev, the sort of Russian hothead, who, as he is getting destroyed, I'm impressed by his temperament.

I'm happy for Rublev because he's displayed some pretty erratic behavior on court in recent years.

And I think, my, how he's grown.

What you really want is a good double-handed backhand.

That's the greatest tennis shot of them all.

Is Sinna?

Is he a one-handed guy, a federer?

No, no, no.

The one-hander, if if you want to be competing for the top trophies, the one-hander has fallen well out of fashion.

You just can't generate enough power.

Even though it's still the most elegant stroke,

Yannick Sinner is, he's on one.

He's absolutely obliterating this poor guy.

Wow.

Like Jeremy Bates in his prime.

Like Bates, classic Bates.

Classic Bates.

He's destroying him to the point that I think, I don't even need to watch this because I know the outcome.

And so I've cleared 15 minutes.

Guess what?

I turn it off after 10.

I think that's as much as I needed this morning.

Lovely.

And then I also think we've got a day on our hands here.

I don't want my stepdaughter to, she's sleeping in longer and longer.

And so I think I'm going to give her the wake-up call.

So I get in there, and you'll be pleased to hear at approx 30 minutes into the podcast, we have arrived at 7.25 a.m.

Is it a subtle, just light on dimly and just open the door, or is it a bucket of water?

What's your tactic here?

There's no lights, early doors.

I walk in and I say her name gently, refuses to stir, and then a very soft sort of rustling of the duvet,

you know, just a gentle rocking hands on.

I say, darling, it's time to wake up.

And then there's a very sort of a stupor-ish wake.

And then, as that's happening, I pull the blind to let the natural light in and sort of take care of business.

And as that happens, I then sort of slowly step out to think nature's going to run its course from here.

I'm interested in a nine-year-old.

When they wake up, do they take their time?

Because if I'm in, you know, if I wake Ian up on the very rare occasion that he's still asleep, he's three and a half, he will rub his eyes and he'll do all the things you should do when you wake up.

But as soon as his eyes open, he says, Should we do a dance party?

And then it's like,

it's naught to 100 like that.

And I just wonder, maybe I'm sort of asking in hope, does a nine-year-old just go, oh, I might just have a sit-down.

There's a sit-down component.

It's not quite straight into the dance party, but also I would hate to describe a child that does not then map onto the forecast for Ian's exciting life.

You know, I understand.

I hope that the spirit of Ian can live on for as long as possible.

That perhaps he is the hope to aspire towards Jack Reacher as his doting father wakes him up in the hope that he will then take an hour to stir.

I'm confused by, once again, the curvature of the earth, time zones, etc.

Does she have school?

Is it a school time of year in Auckland?

It's a school morning.

It's a school morning.

And for the school drop-off to be executed, we have to be out the door by 8.30.

And so we are looking at turning over all of the morning jobs in one hour.

Right.

So you're Jack Bauer.

That's this hour now.

That's right.

I'm Kiva Sutherland, and I've got the sunglasses on, and I'm walking around inside, and everyone's saying, we're just waking up.

This is too intense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't go for the audority tactic, which has been discussed before on the podcast, where I, in an attempt to wake myself up, sing songs about how great I am, much to the annoyance of the helicopter.

I like the songs.

I'll say that.

I thought you got short shrift for the songs.

I think the songs sound nice.

Thank you.

If we ever sleep in the same bed, guy, I'll be sure to sing some of those songs for you.

And I think you'll really like it.

A pleasure to hear them up close and personal.

If we sleep in the same bed, I will put a I will set a little voice memo going in the hope of catching them and then releasing them into the hip parade.

What about this?

If you and I ever sleep in the same bed, I will sing speculative interpretations of what I think David would sing in this setting.

And as soon as I wake up, I'll say, dance party, and then we'll really

go for it.

Do you know, it would break my heart if you ironically demanded a dance party while waking waking up when chastising your three and a half-year-old son for doing that very thing.

Oh, I've already danced for an hour.

Right, okay.

So your nine-year-old, do you wait until she's up at all or you leave her to, you know, to wake herself now?

I leave the stirring to her, and then there is inevitably a walk into our bedroom for a morning cuddle, a morning, how are you?

Yeah, lovely.

That takes place initially between mother and daughter.

And then I come in, you know, sort of as an interloping outsider because I'm already up, just for a quick sort of, here we all are, we love each other, let's get into it.

Great.

That's beautiful.

In rugby terms, we had a tackle, and then you joined to turn into a rook.

That's right.

But I'm not clearing out the ruck.

I'm not sort of.

I'm not getting your foot in there.

There's no gouging.

I've just got my body over the ball.

I'm just saying, you know, let's protect the ball.

I'm back into the kitchen.

I'm thinking, it's coffee time.

It's breakfast time.

Let's get these wheels in motion.

Great.

What happens?

Talk us through it.

So I'm now making the Chemex.

I'm making the coffee.

I'm aware of the breakfast options available in the kitchen this morning, which is not everything at our disposal.

You know, Chelsea and Daughter, they enjoy Bercha, but Bercher has not been prepared.

And so I'm thinking, egg in a cup.

Soft-boiled eggs.

piece of Vogel's toast, cut up, put it in the cup with the egg on top.

Yeah.

Very tidy, very efficient, healthy amount of protein.

We're on the go.

So hang on.

So what egg?

Is it a boiled egg?

Soft-boiled.

Yeah, soft-boiled egg.

Okay.

So here's what you do.

You boil the kettle.

You pour the boiling water into the pot.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

You lower the eggs in.

You set your timer for five minutes.

Five, okay, interesting.

That's it.

You then put two pieces of toast in the toaster.

They will pop usually before the egg is out.

You'll butter them, you'll vege mite them, you'll cut them into cubes, you'll put them into a mug.

Yeah, you'll then take out the eggs, you'll cool them down with some cold water, you'll crack them, you'll put them in whole on top of the toast, and then you'll serve it with a spoon so that you get the experience of mucking the egg up with the toast.

Interesting.

I might give it a try.

Yeah.

Give it a try.

I'll do seven and a half for a jammy egg.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Is I don't ever try just putting eggs straight into the kettle.

And why has no one invented that?

I've often, this is from the mind of a man who has stayed in many hotel rooms because I have so often thought the same thing.

Yeah.

Because, you know, not every hotel has a kitchenette, but every hotel has a kettle.

And if you want eggs and there's not a hotel breakfast on offer, you're paying $12 for someone else to cook your eggs.

And you're thinking, if I could just get these in the kettle.

It's true.

You need something to protect the egg from the element.

Protect the egg.

You need a shelf, some sort of shelf for the kettle.

This is Dragon's Den.

This is going to make us millions.

The kettle shelf.

a sort of gauze shelf where we could rest the eggs.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

This is freaking, this is gecko's grotto.

This is like, this is lizard's living room.

This is piss week.

This is first draft week.

Talk me through the numbers.

I've invested 500,000 pounds of my own money.

No, but you see what it works?

It works quite well.

Because one.

You walk in with a kettle and a piece of ply, and you say, I've invested $500,000 of my own money.

One boil is like a very soft boiled egg.

Two is jammy.

And three, if you press it three times, you get a hard boiled egg.

My dad's friend, a musician on the road, used to cook a fish, just put a whole fish into a hotel kettle.

Holy shit, that's so disrespectful to the kettle.

It's really bad, I know.

What type of fish?

What if he just had a tuna and just rammed it right in there?

It's 7.50.

It's 7.50 a.m.

Yeah, and you're boiling fish smell up the corridor.

It's called life on the table.

Do you think the next people who make a tea would be like, there's something?

This tea is

a little halibuty.

It feels halibutty this morning.

Guy, we have to get a shift on, for goodness sake.

Okay, come on.

You're telling me.

There's, you know, there's pleasantries, there's good vibes happening.

There's a tutor session after school that has not been accounted for until this morning.

So we've got maths homework happening at the sort of breakfast bar.

Oh, dear.

Initially, with reluctance and eventually with enthusiasm.

Okay, is everyone helping?

And what are we learning?

Matrices?

What's happening?

We are separating out sort of hundreds, tens, ones, and then moving into decimal places.

So we're graduating up a difficulty level.

And

initially, the first problem is a groupthink.

think, and the dream, of course, is from that point to slowly back away until it is an individual thinking exercise.

Yeah, does it work like that?

Do you know what?

It actually did.

And because this is not the usual configuration of when this work is done, but it was so successful, it made me reflect on when I operated best as a child when I was having to do homework or work for school.

And I discovered I was much better at getting things done in the morning than I was, there are too many distractions by night, but in the morning,

there's less going on.

And I observed what I thought was quite a similar sort of pattern of focus occurring.

And so I bookmarked that thought and I said, this is good information to file away for later use.

It doesn't really work now.

I mean, did you ever try and write jokes first thing in the morning?

They are, at best,

basic.

Honestly, it's crazy.

I still don't know when I can write jokes.

I've got a notes app, which is, if I actually could reflect on all the times that the numbers have been entered, I think basically it's going to cover every single second of every day by the end of time because I still have not found my optimal window for operations.

So my fear is, were I to try and do my work first thing in the morning, I would end up like Max's impersonation of stand-up comedy, which generally involves him saying things like, what happened to peanuts?

Who remembers television, guys?

What's this about?

Television, eh?

So if you did it first thing in the morning, David, it would be quite a narcissistic set where you were just like, I'm the best thing that's ever been.

It's David, Doe Hoodie.

I'm so great.

Yeah.

The Max Rushton model is going, you know, what happened?

Don't you feel like televisions used to play advertisements for peanuts a lot more than they do now?

I think that's true.

Who's doing the school run?

Or in New Zealand?

It's perfect New Zealand.

So probably like the government sends a helicopter to pick you up or something like that.

We've got a government who is slashing costs, gone are the days of the school heli ride.

No, sadly, the responsibility of traveling the child to school now falls on the parents.

So I have volunteered for school drop-off.

That falls inside of the remit of guy responsibilities.

And so we have successfully made it through our morning movements and we are now in the car, 8.30 a.m.

and we are driving to school.

What are we listening to?

New Zealand today?

So you would think.

We are actually, my goal, so I put on a breakfast show from NTS, which is this independent online radio station, which is, I really enjoyed the music.

It helps set it up the morning nicely.

And my goal is always to be able to transfer the NTS breakfast show from the house into the car without fuss.

And, you know, this used to be a successful negotiating tactic where we'd be driving to school.

You know, my stepdaughter would say, can I choose a song?

And I'd say, oh, we're just listening to this radio show.

But now, sadly, we're just listening to this radio show show no longer passes muster as a reason that we can't just change the music.

So, we are listening to the breakfast radio show for, I would say, the first 12 minutes of the drive.

And then

I say, It's song time.

What do you got?

Oh, yeah.

And this is a very musical child with a very eclectic taste,

which spans everything from sort of Erica Bardou

to Paul McCartney to,

in this instance, or Sabrina Carpenter, but in this instance, Hannah Montana, the soundtrack from Miley Cyrus's Hannah Montana Disney TV show.

So we put on the first album from the Hannah Montana TV show, and we listened to The Best of Both Worlds,

which I actually, honestly, as a theme song and as a song out in the wild, still think is fantastic.

Okay, yeah.

And then it moves into Who Says, which is currently a shower favorite.

So, you know, it's actually nice and it's an opportunity, I think, to really help.

If someone's not feeling that pumped up about going to school for whatever reason, to see them absolutely belting out the lyrics to a song they like on the way, you're getting in the zone.

And so there's a bit of that.

We arrive, not at the school gates.

There's a sort of pedestrian bridge that you walk over that, you know, pours into the school.

And I say,

I'm not crossing the bridge this morning.

I love you.

And I'll see you at three o'clock.

Wow.

And so we now have returned to the state we were in at 6:45 a.m., which is called Agency.

What am I going to do?

Yeah, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do?

That's what the people want to know.

They're going crazy for it.

I'm going to go to the only coffee shop in Auckland I know that sells the filters for the Macha Master.

And it is in the same suburb as the drop-off.

So I head along to the coffee shop and I buy myself coffee.

Buy a lot of them.

Buy a huge number of MachaMaster filters.

They come in packs of 100 and we make one a day.

So that is over three months' worth of morning coffee spoken for.

What's your coffee order there, guy?

Do you know,

Max?

Yeah, this is gonna send you wild.

Please,

I travel with, I don't have a keep cut, but I just take a mug from home.

I've got a preferred mug from home, and I just take that in.

I say, yeah, you know, Auckland's quite a car-based city, so the mug's just coming back in the car.

You can leave it in the car if you have to.

And I order

a small oat flat white.

Now, in New Zealand, the flat white is delivered with two shots of coffee.

And you know what?

I always, if I'm feeling confident, will specify.

I will say three quarters full.

Yes, you will.

This is a wonderful moment.

What's the thinking?

What's the thing?

Like, I realize you two have now

been this bomb.

I'm now euphoric.

The thing is, I'm handing over $6.50

to pay for a coffee.

And look, if it's really busy or I'm part of a bigger order,

I'm not going to specify.

I'm just going to take what I'm given.

But in a moment when I can ask for the exact coffee I want, I've reached a point of either being an entitled prick or just, you know, self-confidence where I'm happy enough to say, this is how I want the coffee.

It's a fine line.

It's a fine line.

Would you guys not just get an espresso, though, double espresso?

Like, because some part of you doesn't necessarily enjoy the coffee, so let's just get it in and get it working.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, David.

What do you mean some part of us doesn't like the coffee?

I love the coffee.

To the listeners, they're both shaking their heads.

They both have the exact same expression on their faces.

This might be the angriest I've ever been with you, David, which is not particularly angry, but I love the coffee.

I just want the coffee that I want.

I want that much milk.

I don't want to be drowning in milk.

You know, it's not a milkshake.

What you want is you want an efficient means of communicating this order.

You know, everyone is embarrassed to be saying three quarters.

As soon as you introduce fractions to a coffee order, we're not oblivious to how awful we're coming across.

Yeah, I agree.

In certain parts of Australia, there is a descriptor for this.

They call it the oat magic.

And you can walk into a coffee shop and you can say, can I get a magic or an oat magic?

And here we go.

Now,

this is where Max and my path deviates.

That is because a magic, and I was taught this by Mrs.

Rushton, who used to be a barista.

You get less than a double espresso.

They do something with the coffee, like Ristretto shots or something.

It's a distretto, that's right.

Right?

And what I want is a double espresso with that much milk.

So when I order my coffee, then someone says, Do you want a magic?

They go, Have you ever heard of a magic?

Of course, I've heard of a magic now.

I've been in Melbourne.

What I want to say is wear a t-shirt going, I don't want a fucking magic.

Okay.

To the listeners, you are free to click on 15 seconds.

No, if this is still going up, keep popping that button.

There is a sort of tear of pedantry with respect to coffee orders that Max has sort of

ascended.

I'm now looking looking up from beneath you thinking one day perhaps yeah I don't know what's happened to me I even saying it out loud I realize how terrible it sounds but you're you know like I'm honored not honored you're not doing to pay homage to me honoring this is the coffee you want I'm just delighted delighted guy that you also want the same coffee I'm just delighted And do you get it?

Now, the question is, if it comes full and you've ordered three quarters, do you send it?

Because I probably won't send it back.

I'll just be sad looking at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's your

I could count on one finger how many times I've sent anything back in my life.

Agreed, Sam.

I take it.

I take my medicine.

I say, this is what I get for asking for what I want.

And I just work my way through whatever it is I've been doing.

Someone will piss into my coffee cup and they'll say, there you go.

And I'll go, perfect.

And on the way out, I'll say, fantastic coffee.

That's Irish.

That's being Irish.

I ordered some scrambled eggs at some cafe while I was on the way to Channel 10, and it was like chili eggs with like bacon and the bacon was like so undercooked.

It was like that flabby light pink and there were two incredibly long hairs in it.

So I couldn't bring myself to complain.

I was obviously like this is grim.

So I sort of ate around the hairs and then when I left it, I stretched the hairs out full length next to the knife and fork in the hope that someone would see it and go,

oh, yeah, that's shit.

But I couldn't say, I just want, like, these are two incredibly long hairs in this.

Okay, so I would say maybe split the difference.

You don't need to be confrontational, but you don't need to be that passive-aggressive.

I mean, what we've got here is very English, very New Zealand, very Irish.

Imagine any Americans listening to this.

They're just like, what the hell?

I want to have that place shut down, baby.

Yeah, that's my kids' college fund, those hairs.

I was at the barbicoon kitchen and I ordered the chicken schnitzel and it was completely uncooked, the chicken.

so i did take that back because i was like this chicken is uncooked and they said look we'll take it off you know we won't charge you but they still charge me for like jamie's meal and i was like i think that is a bit like you have just served me a raw chicken in break-runs like you could at least like let us have this for nothing and how did you communicate that to them i paid and i left it off

and left a sizable tip

i said thank you so much i'm sorry to be such a pain i left a tip which correlated to how many extra minutes I think they should have spent cooking my chicken.

It's a subtle way of letting them know.

All right, so hang on.

So you've got your coffee.

This is great.

You're drinking in?

Oh, you got your mug?

You're drinking in?

No, so I've got the mug.

I've got the filters.

I'm back in the car and I'm driving home.

I have to get back home.

This has taken, you know, the drop-off is just before 9.

I'm probably at the cafe at 9.15.

I have enjoyed some time at the cafe to just sit and have a few sips of the coffee, but I'm out by 9.30.

I've got to be home by 10 because I have in front of me eight back-to-back radio interviews that I will be operating from home

with this exact setup that I'm using right now.

And so I'm staring down the barrel of a long time.

Shit.

I know.

It's too many.

I'm so intrigued.

Are they all the same interview, basically, with different?

So they are all interviews with various different regional iterations of ABC breakfast, lunch, and afternoon hosts here in Australia.

The ABC is the BBC for anyone who can't translate the different public broadcasters.

I am promoting my spelling show.

I have a spelling show that is on television here in Australia.

It's a very good, television show.

It's a wonderful show.

Thank you so much.

And it's actually, it's launching today.

So this is yesterday I'm doing a press blitz to let the people know that the show is about to be broadcast.

Now, let me make one of my classic observations here.

I have done some radio in Australia, particularly for regional ABC,

and it does tend to be just the nicest,

like even the way they talk is they use words like marvelous.

Absolutely, your comedy is absolutely marvelous.

And it's such a joy to have you here on the line.

Is that the vibe?

Like, no one's going like, hey, fuck boy, have you got some more bullshit?

There are no commercial radio obligations in this slate of interviews.

So it is all as described, these very sort of generous legacy, or not legacy, but sort of lifelong ABC, you know, regional broadcasters.

And also, I have graduated, though, from last year when the show launched in Australia, and I'm talking to a lot of people who don't know what I am or why they have to talk to me, I'm very grateful and I take pause for gratitude in this moment that now I'm talking to a lot of the same people and there is actually, if I'm not mistaken, a twinkle of enthusiasm in their voice that they are talking to me.

They're not reading the four questions off the list.

So tell us about the show.

Exactly.

Yeah, in the room.

I'm having conversations with people.

So I'd imagine the same questions keep coming up.

My main interest here is, do you just end up up saying the same answers?

Because in regional interviews, there's a low chance of someone from ABC Northern Territory also hearing your interview on ABC Adelaide.

So you can effectively just have the same beautiful tales.

We play the odds and we think there is a very low likelihood that the ABC train

spotters or listeners as they may be that there's anyone who is this much of a die-hard regional radio friend that they're jumping from Gold Coast to Perth or to Adelaide to Canberra, following me on my sort of, you know, all-out press splits to be like, this guy's recycling the same freaking anecdotes.

So I look at my workload and I think this is a long time for me to be talking about the same thing over and over again.

But I do think, you know what?

Just get in the pocket, get in your zone, recycle.

And I get in there and I go about my work.

Guy, of all the guests you've had in your wonderful show, who would your favorite guest be?

Well, it's so hard to choose, isn't there?

Because we have such a wide variety of guests on.

We'd like to get young comedians.

You know, it's, I am humiliated to offer you even a 10-second sort of role-playing glimpse into the way that I approach these conversations.

I mean, there must be a word that you really thought someone could spell.

It turns out like

Max can do this.

Max can do this sort of like proper legacy broadcasting.

When I was at bbc radio cambridge here we'd literally you'd see it wasn't just like guests who do loads of different people but sometimes like the poor political correspondent who wasn't like the main political correspondent who'd do like radio for half an hour but like his deputy would say i've got slots available and you'd just see it filled up from like 6 a.m.

to 10 a.m wiltshire bbc buckinghamshire bbc devon bbc cornwall and you'd like go can we have 820 and they go oh bbc norfolk have got 820 be like oh shit let's get 840 And then you just think this poor guy who's talking about, I don't know, you know, the I am out something that happened in Parliament last night, exactly.

And he's got to do it again and again and again.

So good for you.

Was there one that you thought this person has not been paying any attention?

There was one I did in, I'm not going to name the locale because I don't know if they'll listen to this.

I don't want to, I don't want to.

be rude to anyone, but there was one person who told me before we started the interview that they were leaving and the disaffected air that they entered to the sort of off-air part of the conversation with

there was no gear shift.

There was not even a whisper of sort of veneer of we are now broadcasting to people to separate them telling me they were leaving with them then asking me about the show.

Great.

So we've done eight spots, did you say?

Eight spots?

That's right.

15 minutes each.

Variable.

Some 15, some 20, some 10.

But we've basically, we have blocked out from 10 to 2 in the day.

We're thinking we are not going to have an opportunity to perform any, you know, there's no increment of time between interviews that will allow for anything serious to happen.

I do, however, would like to say I managed to fold the laundry.

Because the whole time, the other detail I've left out is that I'm aware that tomorrow is a travel day.

I'm waking up and leaving the house before anyone else is awake.

And so in the back of my head, I'm thinking, I want to set the house up so that there's a, you know, everyone can have an enjoyable morning.

I also forgot to mention I stripped the beds and did it.

We don't have a dryer and it's raining.

So I go to the laundromat on the way home from the coffee shop to think I can get everyone fresh sheets so we can have a nice night in the fresh sheet.

You know, so I'm folding laundry.

In between interviews, I'm also leaf blowing.

There's a magnolia tree which has become very autumnal, which has cluttered the back porch with leaves.

And so

interruption.

Yes.

I don't think we've talked about a leaf blower yet in the series.

And

I would love a leaf blower, and I just can't bring myself to buy one because I'm not going to use it very often.

But it must be a lot of fun.

Looks like a lot of fun.

Well, I think if you do it, you have to say, I am a leaf blower user, and this is incongruent with being sort of environmentally minded or a respectful neighbor.

I bought sort of a Whisper Quiet electric Ryobi leaf blower, which is a compatible battery pack with the Whipper Snipper and the Lawnmower, which means

all of the sort of satisfaction Jack Reacher-style leaf blowing you're visualizing is not available.

There is one setting, which is on.

Is it very weak?

Is it just like blows one leaf like a kitten?

You have to get one, and you have sort of like a game where you're just trying to get that out.

Okay.

I've not had a a friend to do it with yet, but if we took two piles of leaves and they blew it with their mouth and I blew mine with the Ryobi,

I'd say we'd be finishing within a minute of each other.

I have a tri-folding door across the back of Mikasa into the garden, and I have in the past used the leaf blower to sweep out the kitchen of dust.

It has a few uses.

If you are wearing a like a light running zip-up coat, you can put the leaf blower up it and then it inflates it like the Mitchell and Man.

You get yourself timer on it, you can take quite a bulky photo for the daily profiles of needs.

I'm jacked.

I've absolutely been hitting the gains.

David, do you have a Ryobi or are you using full petrol?

Are you using like crude oil one?

For me, it's the definitive ever little/slash Aldi centaur ale purchase where I came back with, you know, thinking it would fill some void in my life.

But that's probably eight years ago and it's still going.

And I did the front garden the other day.

It's very useful because sweeping is a faff, particularly when the bamboo leaves fall onto the flower bed.

To take all that off is a faff.

And yet this is a labor-saving device.

Famously, guy, David has three pandas, has a lot of bamboo, and he doesn't.

We're not allowed to talk about it.

Okay, so we're doing this, we're doing the chores, then we're off to Adelaide, then we're leaf blow, then we're into Canberra.

This is exciting part of the day, and now it's 2 p.m.

We're squeezing in our household chores in between.

And also, there's a point during all this, I think it's probably 11:30, and I'm about to connect with Perth when I realize I've not eaten a damn thing today.

Oh, goodness me.

The eggs in a cup were for my codependents.

I did not eat the egg in the cup at that hour.

And I've sort of been so focused on what I have to do, you know, I suppose on a surface level, I haven't thought about the very primary need of you need energy to navigate these conversations.

That's why, in a way, I would be intrigued to listen back to his appearance on Port Perry ABC as he's just

drawling

spellings.

He does the whole alphabet three times in a row and then they just cut to the cores.

This is loose broadcasting from Kaimon Comedy.

What are we going to eat?

What happens at 11.30?

This is exciting.

I'm realizing now, you know, it's not as straightforward being a guest on the show as you think because there are other details that have not been mentioned, which is namely, I have been, and I'm dealing with probably the crest, the peak day of an ulcer on the very tip of my tongue.

Oh, you have my sympathies.

I'm an ulcer sufferer too, and they are debilitating.

Initially, I was quite excited by our similarities, but the more the episode goes on, the more you sort of empathise, the more I think, am I just we max, really?

Famously, Jack Reacher, if he has won a couple of ulcers under the tongue, he doesn't do anything that day.

I'll never never forget the Jack Reacher Bongella, you know, spong con.

He's an aura-based guy.

So, okay, so it's on the tip of your tongue that does affect things.

I mean, sometimes one side of your mouth is okay.

You can just shift everything across, but right in the middle is a terrible thing.

Well, it's sort of center-right.

You know, you'd say it's

probably north-northeast.

So if I can't my head at the right angle, I can still navigate different foods.

But basically, it does compromise your eating options.

I'm not touching toast, too crunchy.

So, I put back a banana.

A lime?

You don't get a lime in there and just see how that's going to go.

It'd be a tough one to go to the doctor with, because the doctor would be like, What's wrong with you?

And you'd say it's on the tip of my tongue.

And the doctor would be like, What is it?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

I hope you've left five minutes for new material in your end though this year, don't you?

Suddenly, the peanuts thing feels all right.

I don't know.

So a banana, that's good.

I think a banana is a really safe idea.

We have the banana, and then I think in between the final interview, I have a bowl of reheated

sort of kale pasta from a dinner that Charles had made a night or two ago as the other sort of soft eating, non-intensive flavor profile option.

So we get through the interviews.

We get to

two o'clock.

The folded laundry is now put away.

And I'm girding my loins for the school pickup because tuesday is an extracurricular kind of day for my stepdaughter and so it involves a school pickup that then swings from it takes three to three thirty there's a the tutor the aforementioned tutor which the homework was executed that morning so that's three thirty to four thirty

and then we drive across from

4.30 to 5.

We have drama and that runs from 5 till 6.

So this involves leaving the house at 2.30 and not getting back till 6.15 stroke 6.30.

Now I'm interested in this.

Is a class like this one like when you go to watch football training?

Can you sit in the theater while they do it?

You could.

It would

be weird.

Not be encouraged.

I'm not pushed the limits.

You can't be like a dad going, fucking get in there.

Say it later.

Advertise your quirk at this party with more intensity.

It's too subtle.

Of course.

Because you'd be such a legendary figure.

It'd be like Messi turning up, you know?

His kids' football training.

All the kids would fall to pieces.

Everyone would just be looking at you the whole time.

No, I remain an anonymous figure.

So the tudor pickup and drop-off while tudor is happening.

I go to the grocery store and and I do the supermarket shop.

I take stock of provisions for school lunches and sort of, you know, easy to put together snacks or meals.

Yeah.

Question: Are you working from a list on the phone?

Because I find it quite annoying, but that's where everyone's list is.

Or are you going, are you doing an open-minded?

No, no, no, I've got a list, but inside of the responsibilities, in addition to the maths homework this morning, my stepdaughter has also written down the things that are absent from the frigid or pantry that she likes for the school lunch.

And then I've done a sort of a broader analysis of, you know, we're down to our last egg.

You know, we're running low on tinned tomatoes and beans, you know, the sort of your pantry staples.

Yeah, but has she taken the opportunity to put down, you know, I need Super Mario Brothers chocolate yogurt, you know, whatever kids are into these days.

No, I think so ground down by applying herself to maths, and also so narrow is the window to leave the house to make school on time that we are bare bones.

We, it's actually to hear you say that makes me sad that there's not more sort of childlike creative liberties being taken.

When I say, You write down what you need, and it's going to be in the house at the end of the day.

She's nine, and she's just straight to life admin.

Yeah, fun is over.

Yeah, that falls on me.

Okay, so you do the grocery stores with the tutor.

What do you do during the drama class?

So, during the drama class, I realize

as I watch her walk in that I've been on my hole the entire day.

And so I think this will not do.

And so I get out of the car and it's in a good walking area in Auckland.

And I put the AirPods in and I stroll, baby.

I stroll.

I take an hour to myself for strolling purposes.

Great.

And what do you listen to while you're strolling?

Initially, I listened to music.

I listened to an old playlist of mine that I found called I Like How This Feels, which has some sort of quite

not meditative, but sort of more mellow music, which is quite a nice kind of contemplative feeling to walk around with.

Enigma.

Is it got Enya, Enigma?

Almost exclusively.

It's the shared playlist we have, Max.

It's the one right under I'm Jack Richard protagonist feels.

No, it's the last ebbs of the Malthulsa playlist.

It's a good one because you're really back on the straight and narrow.

Okay, that's nice.

And then then what do you revert to?

And then I migrate over to a podcast.

I give a podcast because I've listened to about sort of 20, 25 minutes of music, and I'm thinking I'm probably ready to not be with my thoughts for a while.

I'd quite like to get into some other people sort of taking care of that business for me.

So do you listen to terrible news from around the world or do you listen to whimsical people?

I don't.

I actually listen to

because I'm trying to think of,

I suppose, creative strategy or ways to have, you know, not that I'm short on being able to create, to play and have fun, you know, with a nine-year-old at home.

Yeah.

But there was an episode of an Australian comedian personality, Hamish Blake,

has a podcast called How Other Dad's Dad.

And he has an episode with your friend and mine, David, Brett McKenzie.

Oh, yeah.

In front of the Concords.

And so I listened to the first sort of 40 minutes of that, which has a lot of sort of, you know, it's actually quite a good listen.

It's got a lot of ammunition for creative play and just a few simple things you can do at home to have some fun.

Interruption.

You go ahead.

Go up next.

David, you said that your friends, The Flight of the Concords, won't do podcasts.

I notice here.

Guy, this is the worst possible podcast you could have listened to here.

He wants me to try and get one or both of Flight of the Concords on.

And I had just simply said they do not do podcasts.

And in a million-to-one moonshot,

you happen to mention the only podcast that either of them has ever done.

And now I am absolutely in a hole here.

That is so funny.

I will say, Brett sounds really happy to be there and like a really

engaging

and entertaining guest.

Really, really good podcast.

Brett, anytime, say, do you know any other podcasts I could go up while I'm doing this?

At one point, Brett says, geez, I'd love to tell you what I got up to yesterday, but it's not really in keeping with the thing.

To be fair, the podcast is not remote.

They are physically together.

They're sharing a space, a room, which I think does.

You're in a very weak negotiating position here, David, but it does give you a very small leg on which to stand.

Well, I can't have you guys in the same room where you'll just start furiously making out and give yourself more tone ulcers

for goodness sake.

Also, Bratt's parenting advice would be: be creative with your kids.

For example, get your Oscar down from the shelf that you got for writing the song from the Muppets and say, you guys should try and write an Oscar-winning song like I have.

I was sort of secretly hoping to glean some career advice, and a lot of it was start the world's most popular folk comedy band and dine out on a judge.

And I was thinking, this does feel kind of not like it's not really replicable, Brett.

But no, so I listen to that and I greatly enjoy it.

And it actually, it sort of g's me up.

And then drama class is released.

I run into two other drama dads who I know from different situations well enough to sort of have a sit and chat with.

One of them I've sat with in the lobby while the drama class is taking place and we've hung out and it's been great.

And he said, what did you do?

You know, where were you?

And I said, oh, I was out.

I had had to go i've been sitting down all day to go for a walk let's walk next week and so i've made a loose plan to walk and this will be a new frontier of hanging for us a play date yeah so there'll be a walk and then it's into the car it's driving home it's arriving home chelsea is still out working and so i have

defrosted it's sort of 6 30 it's too late to make dinner so i've defrosted a cottage pie from the freezer which is a break in case of emergency this guy this guy is like it's amazing

i've hacked up a broccoli head and i've steamed the broccoli if i can put the pie in the oven that reaction was max is just like that's another thing i would do like honestly he is so spooked right now yesterday like i so i was doing football weekly and and i was saying to the producer like maybe i'll go for a run after this but look there's a bolognese on the stove and he was like you've always got one like an infinity bolognese that's just like an end

it's just always there because the temperature is just high enough to kill bacteria exactly it's just there you dip in whenever you like you're running it like bakers run a sourdough starter that's your bolognese

what i want to know and i know this is an illegal question max but just so but i think it's important how long is the spell that you're about to go away for because i see you you're you're effectively not nesting that's the wrong word because in nesting you're going to stay you're basically apologizing that's what you're doing

Yes, by setting up all of these things before.

How long is this jaunt going to be?

There is a sort of an instinctive and inevitable slight over-correction when it comes to, you know, right before departure.

And also, I'd say earlier in the comedy festival or the touring season, the correction is maybe not as great, but this is the...

I've been coming and going quite a lot.

And so this is like, you know, we're on the home stretch, which is there's light at the end of the tunnel, but also the departures are now not sort of met with the same.

You go get it, have fun out there.

You know, it's sort of like, yeah.

So I'm away for five nights.

Okay.

And this is the real mistake of doing a job that is fun because like I went back to the UK to do a football weekly tour for like three weeks, but Jamie knows that's fun.

Yeah.

It's not like like three weeks on, three weeks off the oil rigs off Aberdeen.

You know, this is, you're going to get shit faced for three weeks in the UK.

Yeah, it's a bit of a dance, though, isn't it?

Because you cannot be chastised, punished, judged for making a trade or an earning, finding something you love.

I mean, the likelihood of doing that in the first place is so

infinitesimally small.

And then to make it work to the point at which you're like, and that does sadly involve me going away to have a fantastic three weeks while earning money for our family.

What you could do is like bookend it with one day in a mine.

Yeah.

And so when you come through the door, it's a good idea.

You're covered in soot, you're coughing up like

and there's like black stuff coming out of your mouth, yeah, yeah.

You might die 10 years early, but just for that immediate, oh, that does look like you've had a tough time there, yeah, yeah.

So, the meal's been prepared, Chelsea's home, we're all happy to see each other, and

life is good.

I've also, I forgot to mention, I have remembered to pick up the sheets from the laundromat.

I did that on the way to the school because I knew that the laundromat would be closed by the time we're coming back from driving.

Interruption: I used to be like this, but then I got a thing.

It's called a variety of things in different places.

The one I bought was called an Edinburgh hoist, and it's effectively four 10-foot pieces of wood and a sort of a sail winch.

And you can get the sheets on it and winch them up.

And in a tropical environment like Auckland, they'll be dry in 12 hours.

Do you know?

It's so funny.

Yesterday morning, Radio New Zealand, which is our sort of, you know, our BBC breakfast equivalent broadcaster, I went on their news site and they'd published an article called

How to Dry Laundry Without a Dryer When It's Cold or Wet Outside.

And I thought, are you kidding me?

This is optimized.

This is so me.

And I opened the story

and

it's the same headline in a different colored font.

And then underneath it, all there is in italics with an ellipsis,

more to come.

They can't leave you like that.

They either have forgotten or have not yet published the story.

Or the fact is that when it's cold and wet in New Zealand, you cannot drive it in.

There's literally no fucking way.

And they've just gone.

Ah!

Because it's such a hack, because that is the one thing that everybody in Auckland will want.

You know, that is the ultimate clickbait.

I know.

Maybe it's time to take out the old leaf blower.

Have your stepdaughter hold the sheet up and then just hammer a leaf blower for 15 minutes.

Imagine Amy Gledhill with a leaf blower and a fan heater just getting the bed ready.

At the moment we have to, I put them outside because you know Melbourne in the days, even in sort of this where it'll be late autumn, it sort of can be pretty sunny.

But then if I've forgotten and it's dark, I then have to do this kind of weird, incredible maneuver where I've got the clothes horse.

I'm sort of carrying it, but sort of bending it up to get through the back door past the kitchen table next to the radiator.

And then if I have to bring them both in, then the other one just sits right by the back door, which I think is good because if someone comes in to try and steal the Subaru again, they're going to be confronted by the TK Max deluxe.

No, Kmart, forgive me, the Kmart deluxe clotheshorse, and that will create a racket and we will wake up.

Of course.

I do like that we are all against tumble dryers.

Tumble dryers are stupid.

They use loads of electricity.

I am trading on a business that deals in tumble dryers.

So I have outsourced my culpability or responsibility with respect to the tumble dryer.

But so we've got the sheets at home.

We've got dinner.

Everyone's happy to see each other.

And we are now sitting down with our dinner at 7.30 p.m.

to watch Junior Bake Off, which is our family show that we watch at the moment.

And I'll tell you this: we are

loving it.

This is a great time.

Woof.

This is good TV.

Is it, what is it, Pastry Week?

What week is it?

There were six left.

So it was the day before semifinals.

And

the technical was they had to make these sort of bubble waffle tacos, which was actually, it got away from a lot of them.

It looked like a really tough bake.

And then the showstopper was you had to make these layered sort of giant cookie,

not quite cakes, but you had to make these giant, there had to be seven, I think it was five or seven layers of cookie with filling in between.

Lasagna.

Yeah, cookie lasagna.

Yeah.

Yeah, and Harry Hills dresses Garfield going, oh, this makes Mondays all right.

You know, and everyone's great, laughing and laughing.

Hang on.

Are these New Zealand, Australia, or British seasons?

No, no, no.

This is the British one.

This is straight from the top shelf.

This is premium junior bake-off.

I don't know that it's been spun off in either of these territories.

We've been working our way through this season for a while, and it's sort of building to a crescendo, and it's a very sort of satisfying and unifying way to close out the is Paul Hollywood there or is he being mean to children?

There's no Hollywood, it's Rav and Liam.

They've got different judges, and Harry Hill, who's the host, who is honestly reigning supreme, so funny.

And he brings him in, he always goes, nice to see him.

It's Rav and Liam.

We will walk around the house saying this to one another.

Do you have a favorite?

Is there someone that you really, you guys are really barracking for?

Well, there was.

She actually, one of our favorites, sort of not,

you know, if you were to use sporting analogies, like a second team, sort of, they're never going to challenge for the premiership, but they're fun to watch.

Very messy young girl called Immy, who would always pull some incredible bake out of her ass and show up, like, honestly, just caked in flour and food colour and shit.

Like, the end of her bake is always so funny.

And this season will be, will we behind where the rest of the world is, I assume.

And then there's two obvious front runners who are kind of

out there.

There's no, I'm not actually invested in any particular one of them winning the way that you can become with the adults.

I'm sort of just like blown away at how impressive these kids are.

How old are they?

They vary from eight to 13, which is you know quite a big variance because one of the frontrunners, or maybe it's 12, but you know, one of the frontrunners is 12 and one of the girls who's left is eight.

And you're thinking, those are four big years, man.

Yeah.

I just feel from my appearance on bake off.

If we can just go back to that.

Yeah, Yeah, we should.

Inedible.

I clearly contradicted that by eating some of it.

So

it wasn't inedible.

It was an Arctic roll.

Look.

All of the judging takes quite a long time.

And because this was an ice cream-based, so you know what an Arctic, it's like a Swiss roll with ice cream in it.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'd also put a layer, because I was going for a Banoffi Arctic roll.

So I put a layer of caramel into it.

Now, they put it in a freezer because everyone being judged takes a long time

they didn't just put it in a freezer guys they put it in a bloody some sort of you know minus 300 an arctic they went arctic because of the name of it they were like put it in the arctic freezer so hollywood takes out his knife it doesn't go through it because the beautiful caramel that i had at the perfect temperature has now gone like kevlar bulletproof solid

so immediately like you imagine in the editing when they're looking at this, they're like, oh, great, we'll use this music.

Whereas it wasn't bad, it wasn't inedible.

The editors are looking at it, being like, we're going to do the heavy horn music while David's clumping around with his Kevlar caramel.

And meanwhile, you're walking around with your start of the day.

I am so great.

I've done another day.

Look, all I want is what I call the pizzicato plucked strings music.

Blung blung blung blung.

Because that means, you know, while he's eating it, blung, blung, blung, blung, tense, handshake.

We're in.

Can I ask you?

Because obviously, I assume some of the defense that you're sort of putting up here is

knowingly sort of comedic or, you know, is stronger than perhaps the actual belief you have in the dish.

If your dish had been treated and kept at the appropriate temperature, do you think the review would have been wholeheartedly different?

The sponge was.

So the difficulty with this.

It's not a straight answer, is it?

Let's see.

Ice cream and sponge is effectively fire and ice.

You're trying to bring together two things that are fundamentally unstable when you bring them together.

So what I was trying to do was just so ambitious that Hollywood's narrow mind couldn't even conceive of it.

You know, you know, paradigm shift is something that people overuse these days, but that's what I was trying to do.

I then absolutely ruined it in the next round because I didn't know what frosted iced rings were

and I embarrassed myself.

But my showstopper was one of the high points that there's ever been on that show.

But this isn't about me.

People feel free to go back and look at it.

Prue may have had tears in her eyes when I produced my moving tribute to Sir Ernest Shackleton's ship, The Endurance, being stuck on a meringue Antarctic in 1916.

So

I'll say no more.

I do love it, I mean, it's good all the time, but I do like watching the kids one.

And, you know, they start out, some of these kids with these super ambitious showstoppers, and they've clearly etched up the sketches for what the kid was imagining after they know what it comes out looking like.

And you see some of them and you think, you fucking monsters.

You are like, you

are absolutely fleecing this kid.

Okay, so Bakoff finishes, and then where do we go?

Sheets on the bed.

Haven't done sheets on the bed yet.

So we get the.

I'm sort of trying to encourage, you know, nine years old is too young to be making your own bed, but I'm saying, let's do this together.

So we do the bottom sheet together.

We do the duvet together.

We get a bit of purchase out of that.

It's fun.

And then a pillow I do because it's a pain in the ass.

Very briefly, what tattoos?

Yes, I do make Ian, I make Ian do his.

So yeah, just presume that would be a good thing.

He spends enough time in there.

What technique do we use to get the, you know, the Odority system?

I hold the top between my teeth and spread out the two corners and then the other person places the duvet itself over the duvet cover over me.

So we lay out the inside out single duvet cover.

Oh, yeah.

We then overlay the duvet in the appropriate configuration.

We take a side each, we slither our hands up the duvet cover, we hold on to our corner for dear life, and then I look and I say, Now watch this, and then we rip our hands down, and within seconds, all of a sudden, we've got a fully dressed duvet.

That's magic.

And so we do that.

We do our bedtime, which is there's a karakia we do, which is it's actually not a karakia, it's a Buddhist prayer.

A karakia is sort of like

a Moldi kind of prayer or spiritual poem or sort of you know words of affirmation that you can say is it like david you are so cool you're doing a good it is it is it's you wind down david you are so cool so it's with a much calmer voice it's david you are so cool and we love you for being you and so we we do that and then it's good night good night good night good night i love you and i will come and give you a cuddle in the morning before i go and then we're out into the lounge for you'd assume an opportunity to catch up given that we've both had quite full days but it is instead something superior to the catch-up when deployed correctly board game individual phone time yes

are you on either end of the sofa just the soles of your feet touching as you yeah face off and up that is a common configuration no chelsea's the comfiest chair in the lounge I'm on the couch and it's actually it's not even phone time we're on laptops and we're both I don't even know what's happening over there but we're both having our wicked way with the internet.

And I'm doing mine until it's no longer feeling rewarding.

And then I think must pack.

So I don't interfere.

I don't say anything.

I don't say, is there anything we need to talk about?

How are you going?

I leave space where it must exist.

And I think.

I love it.

You know, I hope that whatever is on that web browser is bringing you joy.

And I start taking the laundry that I've carefully folded and put away in my drawers and choosing, you know, the five A-list A-list sort of t-shirts because I've got the full arsenal to choose from.

So I'm having a lot of fun.

I'm choosing my favorite t-shirts, the best undies, the socks.

We are on an A-class whirlwind tour of the east coast of Australia, and I'm dressed in my finery.

Do you feel genuine sadness for undies that haven't just quite made it?

You know, like you guys have been great servants.

It's a good time for you to ask me that question because

during

Adelaide fringe this year, I did a total overhaul.

I was traveling with undies who were lucky to make the trip.

And I said, you know what?

There is a hotel rubbish bin with your name on it.

And I went into Lululemon, which is pretty high-end.

Never bought the Lululemon undies before.

Oh.

And I bought two five-packs.

I'm rocking

10 borderline brand spanking pairs of the premium athleisure wear underpants.

Hey, guy, you know who else?

You know who else guy would just chuck away some underpants and buy some new ones, don't you?

Am I talking to him?

No, I'm talking about the guy I aspire to be.

It's classic reach of behavior.

It's classic reach of behavior.

I don't think I would trust a lady named Shop Lululemon with knowing where my plums are going to be sitting in undies.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy to take chance

when you've got testies going on, but I was in Lululemon with comedian friend Chris Parker, yeah, and he was telling me about the value of the Lululemon running shorts, and I was saying, Look, I'm pretty well spoken for with running shorts, but I'm going to buy a pair on you know your recommendation.

And then next to the running shorts were the undies, and I said, Have you ever rocked these?

And he said, Absolutely, they're good to go.

And I thought, I'm just doing it.

This is impulsive.

I'm doing it.

Crazy.

Are they a jockey short or a brief?

What a Lululemon offering.

I don't quite know which one is which, but they're not your dad's undies.

They're your person's undies.

Got it.

They're like a tight short.

You could play cricket in them and not worry about losing the box.

And you could look around the house in them and not worry about losing a nut.

Okay, they sound good.

I might invest.

I'm against it.

Like, just imagine if Max Rushen brought out a range of bras.

You'd be like, nothing in this makes me feel he's got a can I shock you.

Okay, so are you packing light?

Is it hand luggage only for five days?

So you would think, but no, in this instance, I'm actually picking something up which will have to be checked on for the return leg.

So I'm thinking, were that not the case, I'd just go carry on.

But because I know that I'm going to have to wait for a bag on the return leg anyway, I think, why not give yourself the luxury of space?

Yeah.

And also, why not give yourself the luxury of traveling with with over 100 milliliters of any toiletry?

You know, I'm over here with the big tube of moisturizer, boys

over 100 mils for five days.

What are you oiling yourself up entirely?

I don't need it, but isn't it nice to have the option?

I got the big tube of toothpaste, all right?

I've bought my own shampoo, I'm living large.

He's got a travel Toblerone-size thing of toothpaste with him.

My toothpaste is Toblerone.

I just melt down a giant Toflerone.

Really lovely.

Rub it on the teeth.

Right, so you've packed.

Is it bedtime?

Feels like bedtime.

It does.

I'll tell you this.

It really, really does feel like bedtime.

But before it can be bedtime, at some point, Chelsea's up from the computer and says, you're a busy beaver.

What are you doing?

And I say, I'm packing.

And then we have an enjoyable sort of pootly style, you know, back and forth conversation while I put the finishing touches on the pack, which remains one of life's great luxuries.

Like having someone else in the room while you clean it, it just revolutionizes the whole experience.

Finish the pack.

I realize we've not put the sheets on, which I was planning to do solo, but we run that operation as a team.

And then I am smelly and I say, I'm not getting into these clean sheets with a stench.

So I run myself through a shower at about 11, 10,

and I'm fresh, I'm clean, I'm tired.

Clean and clean sheets is, it really happens, doesn't it?

It really happens.

That's a beautiful thing.

It's It's a classy touch.

And then we're in bed

and it's good nights and lights out by 11.30.

And then I'm gone.

It's like that.

Marvelous.

A lot of people listening will want to know, is this always the thing with Gaiman comedy?

Do you simply shut your eyes like Napoleon and just go straight off to sleep?

Or do sometimes do you need to...

It's varied.

I think at home, my sleep hygiene is pretty tidy.

It's no phone in the room.

It's a conversation or a book is the wind down to sleep.

And then when I'm on the road, it's pretty funny because, you know, all bets are off.

And I know the same is true for Chelsea home because I come back and I can see so happy to have me, so grateful to have someone to go to sleep with.

But also the laptop and the sort of YouTube white noise videos of someone vlogging are no longer permitted in the bed.

And there is undeniably an undercurrent of frustration that i have replaced someone that she has spent the last week forming a very close relationship with

hey guy thanks for doing this thanks for coming on thank you so much for having me i've really enjoyed it i thought it was a lovely day filled with you know because in this business of show it's difficult to balance your real life with the going off and doing the gigs like we were saying and i felt you did a lovely version of that.

And I think people will enjoy listening to it as well.

Thanks for doing it, Guy Montgomery.

Thank you so much for having me.

And good luck with, you know, I suppose, future yesterdays, which we call tomorrows.

Sears, Guy.

Thanks a lot, guys.

So there we are, Guy Montgomery is yesterday.

Great day.

Great guy.

Great times.

Yeah, the underpants.

That's really stayed with me.

I think I might go and get some from Lululemon.

From Lululemon, I know.

I mean, the Husk stage.

I were discussing it last week, you know, with your, you know, your balls just hanging out of just sort of bits of elastic.

But I'm there now.

And I think Jamie would be impressed if I went Lululemon.

And maybe a bit jealous.

They're probably expensive, I would say.

Do you think so?

Pants are expensive, whatever you get.

You're like, what, for them?

It's It's not a lot of material.

Yeah.

For a long time, I was a Marks and Spencer's man, but they tend to go sort of crispy after a while.

Quite like the sail of a ship.

It's not the adjective for pants, is it?

Yeah.

Or a pancake.

A Finder's pancake.

That's what you want.

No, I loved his day.

I thought he's

clearly like he's doing everything right.

That's an interesting, I'm just about to go on tour day, isn't it?

But you could see that he is a great dad and he's also, him and I have a, you know, we bonded.

Yeah.

You know, he's got a cottage pie in the freezer.

Who doesn't have a cottage pie in the freezer?

We both want to be Jack Reacher.

He's got a mouth ulcer on his tongue.

The day goes by.

The coffee.

The coffee, the ulcer, the cottage pie.

It's like my New Zealand version.

albeit perhaps slightly more talented and successful.

But those things, we can iron out those things.

Could the ulcer come the coffee?

That's my real quick.

Just that extra

quarter that you've got rid of is the thing.

Oh, you see, if I had that much more milk, I wouldn't ever have ulcers.

Once after my A-levels, 20 of us went to Gumbet in Turkey to dance to Freed from Desire all night and drink shots.

And it was a two-week holiday and 10 days in.

I had...

Literally my entire top and bottom lip covered.

I was so runned out.

It's just, I was not made for two weeks of clubbing, David.

And literally, I was just lying in bed i was basically just a mouth ulcer all of me was just a mouth ulcer i just needed a big pipette of iodine to be dropped on me and me to just burn it was really something else now you earn your living with that self-same mouth you've really got to keep those ulcers from the door it'd be the equivalent of a footballer doing their crew shit would be if you got a bad ulcer now do you know i've done a few you know i've had a few really bad ones in the career and the worst ones are kind of like radio show ad break get on the really strong stuff ram it on you're sort of holding this is a talk sport I'm sort of holding the basin with both hands in like the news break as my mouth is like burning up there are tears in my eyes like welling up and then I steal myself and I get back in and do another section and interview you know Perry Groves about Arsenal's form and then it's back in

what a hero there's only one other guy that could do that and we know who that is guy Montgomery

guy Montgomery anyway if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast here's how

to get in touch with the show you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't

hey thanks david i still like doing it max yeah i'm in it for life i'm in it for life me too

i was thinking if we do it for life, you know, when Ian gets to about 20 and he'll be like, Hang on, there's a fortnightly recap of everything I did.

Is that what I want?

You know, because I don't put my kids on social media, thinking, I don't want my kids to be on social media, right?

I don't want, you know, I want them to live their own lives.

And yet, here I am doing a fortnightly update on whether he's taking a shit in a potty.

The poor guy.

Everything is Chelviz.

Thanks, Matt.

Everything is Chelviz.

Cheers, mate.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She has to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.