S3 EP1: Sooz Kempner

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Podcasts, there are millions of them. Some might say too many.
I have one already. I don't have any, because there are enough.
Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day. But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.
Why is that? Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.
We'll try and say it at the same time, Max. What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.
Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Doherty.
Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday? There's David O'Doherty. Hello David O'Doherty.
Welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday. Who's it with, Max?

It's with Suze Kebner, another person that I've booked for the show.

Somebody who I tour with regularly.

See her on the circuit. For the tape, we have just finished recording.

And yeah, there's some real firsts in here.

There's two or three. We've never had this before, which is very exciting.
because you sort of, you know, I don't ever think we'll run out of new stuff.

But, you know, it's nice that it wasn't just another comedian who just sat on their phone all day. Yeah.

Sipping a latte in Brighton. No, although Brighton does figure.
Of course it does. It could not.
And actually, we didn't really pick up on that as well as we should have done. Now, now you mention it,

when Brighton appeared, we were like, oh yeah, fair enough. That's just what everybody does.
Tell the listeners.

uh about suze and where you can find her etc suze is at rarest of things in comedy because she is a comedian who is actually talented, a musician, a proper singer of all things.

Check out her podcast, which is called Mystery on the Rocks. She is working on a new show at the moment that is going to be excellent.

It's called Suze Kempner is Ugly and opens at the Edinburgh Fringe in August. She's been in Doctor Who-type spin-off stuff.
Suze is great. Suze is great.
And this is what she did yesterday.

Suze Kebner, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? Hi, guys. Thank you.
It's a pleasure to have you. Suz, I would ask you how you are, but that's a today question and it's not relevant.

So let's just move into the past.

And actually, right. And also, I discovered today,

while what counts as research, that you voiced the three times table on number blocks.

I may have heard that 55,000 times.

Do you want to hear it again?

It was like operatic and then they went, could you do Northern? So I literally had to do this three times table, going one, three,

three.

And you got them all right. And it really

had to read it. I had to read it every time.
I'd never memorise that times table. Okay, let's get down to business, Suze.
What time did you wake up yesterday morning?

I woke up at about quarter past six because my mum, I live with my mum and when she gets up, she makes so much noise that I wake up when basically when she's like banging around

pots and pans,

the drums. She's just quite heavy-footed

and it's quite a small house, so you'll just hear it like there's a door, there's a door.

And sometimes I last till she leaves the house, which is the front door, but that would only be like quarter to seven.

And I'm above the front door. Why is she up so early? She works with horses and they need you from very early.
Whoa, this is a good start. Now, I like this.

6.15 also divisible by 3.

Just if we keep the three.

It'd be interesting if everything in your life now corresponds to

the three times tables. Yeah, I have a question, which is, is there an age whereby you don't just yell, mom, shut up?

And I think the last time,

I know the last time I did, it was like, because she like wakes up during the night all the time and then watches stuff on her laptop. And once I woke up and she was like

laughing out loud. She was going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, from her room.
But it was like three in the morning and she was watching, Would I Lie to You? And I went, that's ridiculous. Stop it.

Shut up.

I do think at three in the morning, you know,

if I was struggling and I I couldn't get back to sleep, I would watch, you know, Bob Mortimer claiming that he invented the egg. And like, you know,

I'd have a really good time doing it. I think it's a good choice from your mum.
Well, yeah, but enjoy it quietly. Who laughs out loud on their own that loud either?

That's what a mad person does.

She's like, like she was there.

Okay, so 6.15. Yeah.
Your clod hopping mum is just on. She is, you know, she's like one of those big things in Fraggle Rock, which is a key reference that everyone will get.

You know, she's glumping around the house.

And she also,

she has a saddle under her arm and those sort of little boots that jockeys have, you know, with the white trousers. Yeah, she's got a hat with a pink and teal suit on.

She works for some sultan of a Middle Eastern country who owns lots of racehorses. Now we know her.
Great.

This is Anna. Yeah.
Okay, so do you stay in, do you jump up immediately to, you you know, greet your mother or you just stay in bed and fume? Absolutely not. But I had planned, we'd planned ahead.

I was going to go, because I like to ride horses too. I was going to go join her at the yard at half seven.
Wow. It's 20 minutes away.
So I got a bit longer in bed.

And so I knew that I had to be out of bed by seven and then I could leave the house by 10 past. So I woke up and that means that I could watch EastEnders in bed because it's on.

The new episodes are on from 6 a.m. Is that right? So hang on.
this is very

firstly, David. I'm very, I'm hoping we're going to get our first bit of horse riding

ever.

This will be the first one. Had no horse riding, but also so many questions.
How's Ian Beale? Yeah,

he's not great at the moment, I'm afraid.

His mum tried to kill Cindy Beale with a snow shovel over Christmas, and no one's quite come to terms with that yet. That Cindy lived and now she's making Ian's life a misery.
Okay, yeah.

What I've never been able to get past with EastEnders is that one year, one of the actors released a song that was the theme from EastEnders with lyrics over it.

Isn't Anita Dobson anyone can fall in love? Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.

Which has just put in my brain that every instrument, like Antiques Roadshow or whatever, has lyrics as well.

Antiques Roadshow, Antiques Roadshow.

Antiques Roads. Some Things are old, but some not as old.
Are they worth a lot? Are they worth a lot? For insurance purposes, for insurance purposes.

It's an interesting choice of TV show first thing in the morning. Like,

it's not getting you up.

It's not an upper, is it?

I don't know, man. Sometimes East Ends is dead funny.
And also, like, I can cope with any amount of misery on my screen.

So, this is, this is, again, this runs in the family. My mum wanted to watch a Handmaid's Tale and I'd already seen the whole first series.
So she binged it in two days. That's heavy.

The whole first series. That's 10 episodes.
Okay. So what happened in EastEnders yesterday?

Hang on. Hang on.
Oh, Max, Max, Suze, one moment, please. What I'm intrigued by with this, imagine if Suze lives her whole day backwards.

As in, watching EastEnders would be the thing you do before you doze off. Maybe you do some late-night horse riding then.
What if like the day ends with she eats a bunch of eggs and goes to sleep?

So so I mean I haven't watched these centers for quite a while. Did anybody walk into the mechanics and not Grant? Well who's the other one? Phil.
Did Phil Mitchell

slide out from under a car on one of those

trolleys four little wheels and just say oh I'm gonna saw it later or something like that. Did that happen?

No, I'll tell you what Phil doesn't work at the garage anymore. He's got his hands full because he's looking.
You remember Nigel? With the curly hair? Who ran the video shop?

Yeah, he's back in it now. Oh, yeah.
And he had a secret and no one knew what his secret was. And then it turned out he's like, I've got dementia.
And now Phil is like his carer.

Genuinely, that is what's happening. Oh, wow.

Can you tell us what the

so to people who around the world who might know East Danders? It's the long-running soap opera on the BBC

that ends with the drums go boo, boo, boo, boo, boof, doof, doof, doo, doo, doo. Yeah, what was the cliffhanger? Oh, what was that?

Oh, the cliffhanger was Phil's cousin Teddy is married to a woman called Nicola who had her son's girlfriend killed four years ago and they've just found out.

And her other son, it turns out, is not Teddy, Phil's cousin's son. It's Zach, a personal trainer's son.

And he knows because he saw the blood types and he was like, wait a minute they don't match up uh so and he knows all about blood types because he got diagnosed he's HIV positive so he knows all about blood types

and

he knows all about blood and he he so like that was the cliffhanger he was like I know that Teddy I know Teddy you're not his dad I'm Barney's dad I'm imagining the moment was he's looking down in a microscope I don't know how you judge blood types but I imagine and

he looks over he goes oh do not adam and eve this or whatever and it goes do do do

it was a bit like that yeah

in east enders do they ever do the old neighbors thing of just one day an actor is just played by a different person and everyone pretends that this is still lucy they yeah this has happened a bunch of times uh but usually the actor's been away for ages like they've we have we've had seven bens oh that's good because there were three mooties weren't there and there was one where i think i who was it in neighbors it was like maybe bronwyn or someone was just a different character for like two weeks totally unreferenced and then

and then the same one came back one of the only people i know i i'm in in melbourne and one of the only people i know is uh alan fletcher who plays dr carl kennedy from neighbors yeah he did tell me a funny story about do you remember drew drew was quite a dishy guy

and uh and he said he just had enough of being in neighbours so he just said, I'm having my notice in.

It's like three months' notice, and they were like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, no one, no one has the note. We kill people, no one has the notice in.

And like the day before, he was like, Um, I'm leaving, I am leaving tomorrow. And they were like, Oh, fuck, and they were literally like, just get on that horse and then fall off the horse.

And then he, that's how they killed him. He just fell off a horse one day.
They were like, They just hadn't, they were just like, He's not gonna, he's not gonna go.

So they just chucked him on a horse. That's why they did it.
Yeah,

that's amazing.

Yeah, really good. Um, okay, so East Enders finishes, And

that's

finishes. You know, action stations, because you've only got like 20 minutes to get ready before we go to the yard.
That's it. Yeah.

I mean, I had laid out my clothes for riding the horse the night before. Great.
A statson. A statson, two pistol stores.

Those metal spurs which go spin round. Yeah.
Bolo tie.

Did you lay out some jodpas? Because we were discussing jodpas with Joel Domet

and we learned about what they call jodpas just because he has a kids book that you know says j is for jodpas he's like i'm not sure j is for jodpas i just thought that's the j you would use you know juggling is better isn't it uh yeah okay so you we this is the first jodpa wearing episode as well as i guess you'd imagine wow i'm so i'm so juggling the first you are maybe the only comedian we've had who doesn't just pick up the clothes that are lying on the floor and for the microphone puts them on it's very impressive i've got lots of clothes lying on the floor like it's a really, it's a state.

The jobpers I wanted to wear, I couldn't find them. Right, okay.
You've got multiple jodpers. Yeah, I do.
I have two pairs. Two pairs of jogpers.
Wonderful. I've got a grey pair that I really like.

They're very comfortable. And the other pair a little bit small, which I didn't like first thing in the morning, but...
whatever. I knew I wanted to ride that horse.

Suze, what is the performance and advantages of jodpers over, say, just jeans?

It's something to do with because the saddle won't pinch you and they've got do you know what i could show you because they're right here oh my live jodpas

here are my jodpas and you see on the seat they've got this like double seam so you don't get rubbed and it's got sticky little sticky things on it so you can to like give you give it a grip in the saddle yeah

so so do you just get out of bed and go get straight into the jodpas or does do you have a shower shower or do you have some coffee first? No, no shower. No shower, no coffee.

I just brushed my teeth in the jodpas. Wow.
Didn't even brush my hair. Just

I tied it back and went, here we go. I put a bit of sunscreen on

just in case because I'm trying to stave off any of the signs of aging. Sure.
Forever.

You're doing grace, can I say? Thank you. Thanks.
But you are covered head to toe in suncream. We can't actually see you.

Yeah, exactly.

It's worth saying that. All right.
This is very exciting. So and is your mum in jodpus too? Is everyone in jodpus? Yeah, she is.
My mum's in jobpers.

Everyone at the yard, everyone at the yard was in jodpus.

Do you have special episodes of EastEnders made where every character is also in jodpers as well?

I insist.

Where I am, there's three different sorts of horse thing. Okay.

There's the one in the bookies, okay? Yeah, there is the Princess Anne one where you get compused, a giant piece of wood falls on you,

and there is jousting. There's jousting, yeah, that's another one.
They're the three different sorts.

Well, that's not any of the ones that my mum does and that I was doing yesterday. Uh, my mum is a dressage rider.
Oh, wow. Um, it's your mum's Charlotte Dujardin.

No, no, okay, okay.

No, no, mum has, my mum has never been uh eliminated from the British team. Oh, yeah, she got all striped of her beating a horse.
Yeah, she punched a horse.

My apologies. She punched a horse.

It was mouthing off. It was saying some terrible things.

So dressage is the one where you effectively get the horse to moonwalk. Yeah, that's it, yeah.
I've heard it described as like

you're ratatouilleing a horse.

Because it looks like they're like, wow, look, the horse is just doing it on its own. The rider isn't doing anything.
And I can tell you from experience, oh, that's not true.

It's hard. It's so hard.
I'm so bad at it. That's okay.
David and I, we're both pretty good, but we're not amazing. So you're in good company.
You're not going to judge us. We're in good company.

So, so does anything happen before you leave the house? You brush his teeth, job is on, and then mum's like, off we go. Or do you, you know, is that it? Oh, I let one of my cats in.
Okay.

Just one? Let's say one you like and one. Just one.

The other one was, yeah, the other one. I was like, get out.

I let Freddie Mercury in because he was outside the door brian may was she was doing the rounds great

good quality cat names

had had freddy been out for the night then gadding about no he my mum my mum let him out this morning at let she let them both out for their breakfast at six they put we feed them outside and then they come back in as and when they feel like it Right.

Well, they'll ask us. They have to ask us.
We don't have a cat flap. Right.

And then you and mum are going together to the yard no she was already there because she was doing some horse related things first okay and then i got there at about 7 35.

how long's how long's the drive to the yard about 25 minutes and what do we listen to on the way there oh i've been listening to um a sorry it's a rival podcast but it's a podcast called Britannology

and they are doing a series.

They've been doing, it's these two guys, Milo Edwards, the comedian, and another guy called Nate, who I don't know what he does, but they have been discussing every episode of Michael Aptid's up series.

You know, the up series?

Every seven years, they go back and find out what those kids are after. Oh, right.
That one. Yeah, and I'm sort of obsessed with that series, so I'm really enjoying this podcast.
Yeah.

Yeah, it's not to be mixed with the Pixar animation of the same name. That's what I thought, yeah.
No.

In my mind, unfortunately, and this happens sometimes because I would have watched this film with my niece with other films.

Up has blended with Wally,

the last robot on Earth. Yeah, oh, yeah.
Yeah, the old guy. It implies that the guy nurses his beloved wife to her death and then leaves the house.
And there's just an apocalypse except for one robot,

which is an interesting film, but a different film sense.

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we arrive at the yard, Suze. I've already arrived at the stables.
Yeah. We park.

Have you pockets full of sugar lumps? Come on, give us the... I didn't bring any treats.
I didn't bring any treats from Roddy. The horse is called Roddy.
Roddy. I know.

Rowdy Roddy Pony. That's good.
That's good. Does he have Rowdy Roddy Piper? Does he have

electrical... What are they thinking? He had a thing that electrocuted people.
Rowdy Roddy Piper. Did he? WWF.
Like a cattle prod. Yeah, a cattle prod.
I think it was extreme.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of WWF was reasonably extreme back in the day. uh

some people suggest it actually wasn't charged or didn't have battery in it but i don't know i don't think anyone could act that well okay so we arrive you've got no treats for roddy what's the what's the etiquette i don't i don't know when we arrive at a stable what is the process from there to being on the horse dressaging about with roddy radio i dressage around i put my boots on put the boots on i feel quite like yeah now we're ready for action once i've got the riding boots on and then he's looking over his

stall door at me like Mr.

Ed a little bit like that he's very friendly guy he's got a nice little personality Roddy and thank you very much to Jeanette it's Jeanette's horse and she lets me ride on him whenever I want

he's 23 he's 23 now but that doesn't stop him being like afraid of things that are static and by the sand score but that is horses and is that old for a horse yeah it's quite old like you would like at the olympics the oldest you'd get is like sort of 18, 19 at the very oldest.

The winner of the gold medal in the last Olympics in the dressage was 17, right? And it was like, oh, how amazing! A 17-year-old one. So 23 is pretty old, yeah.
Right.

So, I mean, you might be getting scared because you get older, you know, your world sort of you get a bit more insular. He's a bit doesn't really want to go out, he's tired.

He's feeling a bit like Nigel out of East Tenders. Yeah, just voted for reform.
Yeah, I know.

I get the picture with Raddy. Yeah,

are there lots of stable lads running around some tiny little men you know with flap caps on it's all women it's all women no not a flap cap in sight yeah or dealing with the horses one of the horses is called clooney and he he went out and he had a hood on and he had uh all stuff to keep the flies off him and he was really chuffed to be out he was having a roll around god i've never i've never been on a horse i've never been

do you want to come down have a go on roddy when i was little we had a labrador and sometimes i would throw a leg over the labrador and just gently re like sit on its back and that's yeah but it would never you know i think i was waiting for the day when the labrador would say let's do this and take me off like never-ending story or whatever but yeah i've never maxed

have you been on a horse i think i've been on three horses and i think the first horse i went on was in i think it was in Mexico going up a mountain on a horse.

It would have been, it was a, this horse was not 23, it was about 58.

And I think it would have been quicker and safer if I had carried the horse up the mountain. I think.

And then the next horse I went on. It was taking its damn time.

Oh, wow. Poor thing.
The next horse I went on, I think, I think this was during the Soccer AM glory years.

And

I think the British Horse Foundation, whatever,

they want to get young people into racing, right?

and so what they did is they gave us a horse and we would follow so we'd follow the horse and you know if it raced we'd go to the races and we'd just sort of film it's like a tie-in with I don't know racing you could what something or other and that horse was called T for T for three and that horse was being trained in the Newport West Wales so like on the beaches on the beach in Wales and I went down I went down there and we filmed and they said do you want to meet the horse I was I don't know.

Do you want to get on the horse? I was like, Yeah, well, sure, I want to get on the horse, right? This is a like a thoroughbred. This is a thoroughbred.

This horse went on to, I think, not necessarily win, may have won the Grand National, but like placed in the Grand National.

This is proper then. This is a proper horse.
So I'm sitting on the horse, and the little stable lad is holding the rope.

And

all right, Mr. Ashton.
And then, yeah, exactly. And then

it's a chimney sweeping his spare time. And

the producer says to the cameraman, let them go. As in, like, let the horse go out of shot.
Nice way to end. Right.
And the stable lad hears that and lets go of the rope. Right.
Oh, man.

And this fucking horse just fucking bolted.

Right.

Starts like galloping into the sea. Right.
And honestly, honestly, it is.

And I was like, I'm going to die. And they're filming it.

This is a disaster. And it's also absolutely terrifying having only been on a 200 year old horse that literally couldn't trot

this horse

well done i fuck honestly i don't know what happened and you know it was just one of the most frightening experiences in my life oh suze how do you how do you pull the brakes on a horse uh on in that situation i would say i just pull back on the reins so that it went oh i see you want me to stop so it's a bit different in dress size You've got a number of things you do.

No, but that was the other interesting thing that I didn't mention is as we got on the sea, I just did a little bit and we did the moon. We moonwalked back onto the beach.

But anyway,

this won't come as a surprise to you, Suze, but to some listeners who aren't aware of horses. Oh, they're big old things.
Yeah. They are really.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, people who haven't been around horses are always blown away when they're then close up with one. They're like, Jesus Christ, because they're as big as like you'd imagine a dinosaur to be.

Basically.

Like a proper big dressage horse. They're massive.
They're only sort of one step below a shire. That's the slogan for horses.
They're trying to bring in horses.

They're as big as you'd imagine a dinosaur would be.

Their head is as big as my torso. Yeah.

If it's a nice one, you can hug its whole head. So, so you get, you get on the, we get, we're on Roddy.
Get on the horse.

My mom rides in first because she gets him going in a nice outline, i.e., she gets his posture all set nice.

Because what he'd really like to do is slouch and stick his head out and do as little as possible. He's quite a lazy man.
Do you think you're in with the shout for the next Olympics, Suze?

Like, are you at a reasonable level? Like, the only thing letting me down at this point is Roddy.

Okay, yeah, that's a big thing. No, I would never in a million years be anywhere good enough.

I couldn't ride a Grand Prix dressage test uh max it's very different to gary lineker's day because i think at this point all he'd done is eaten a wagon wheel

i listened to that yesterday as well actually that that on my way back i was listening to that and i did the minute it started i was like i hope they ask him about shitting himself at italian 90 and it came up immediately

yeah um okay so how long are you on the roddy About 20 minutes. 20 minutes is long enough for a dressage lesson.
Yeah. Okay.

And then what we just, we, we jump off the horse and then what happened then we're driving back yeah then we we untack him we put him out in the field he looked over the gate like ah where's me treat it's like there aren't any so he started eating the grass and yeah then i went home um and on the way home i've sold oh this is cool i sold two old iPods on eBay for like £60 each.

I don't even know if they turn on.

I had to say in the listing, look, they used to work back when I used them, going back back five six seven years but i don't know if they still do and i can't test it i don't have the charges they sold for 60 quid each so i had to send them have you just had them for years they've just been sitting in a drawer yeah not using them and i i went i'm never gonna use that again then someone told me you can get some money for those i tell you max here's what i think has actually happened sues what she's left out from this morning she dresses in black gets on rodbie they ride through the center of london and when they spot someone with an ipod she just snatches it out of their hand and then rides on.

Presumably, the only flaw in that is

they would have to ride at 88 miles an hour and then go into the past

to find people who still had iPods.

Yeah, who is still using these? Yeah.

It's a weird niche form of theft. Dressage, iPod.

You do have to do all that. You do have to do all that.
But hey, I obviously did it.

That's great. What a profitable journey home.
Okay, so now we're home. I got in a nine.
I played all my word games. Okay.

I usually do them when I first wake up, but today I did them when I got back. What order do we do them in? I'm going to guess.
Connections. Connections.

Connections. Okay.

The mini New York Times crossword.

Wordle.

The

stupid one where you find... the clue and the words that connect where you're trying to connect.
Oh, I hate that one. Strands.

i know i don't do that one yep and then you follow that with the guardian simplex i'm gonna say you start with wordle guarantee everyone starts with wordle and then

then connections and that's that's all you have time for oh no i had nothing but time max i i i start with wordle yeah yeah which sometimes i get it done in under a minute and this one i got it in two but then you click a thing and it goes and it goes like skill 80 luck 95 like shut up Yeah, I don't like that.

No one's that lucky. I was

very good. I don't bother bringing that stuff in.
It's just,

and I get annoyed when I check. Yeah.
All right. So, Wordle first, Wordling 2.
That's good. Yeah, Wordle, then Connections, which I got 100%.
I didn't have to do any new guesses.

Then I played Blossom. You know, Blossom? No.
That is a different one. It's not on New York Times.
It's Miriam. It's a Merriam-Webster one.
Okay. What happened? And it's like Spelling Bee.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

It's a bit like Spelling Bee on New York Times, which I then play. Okay.
So they're my four. All right.
And then if I've got a lot of time, I'll do the crossword. Do you smell a horse?

Like, does a horse

leave. Yeah, I'd say it does.
In a way that a motorbike makes you smell of motorbikes. Yes.
And what is a horse if not just like an acoustic motorbike?

That's got its own opinions, yeah.

I did smell of, I did smell of horses, actually, but I quite like it. And there was no one around.
Like, my mum's gone off at this point to Nana's. My Nana's 95.
She lives two hours away.

My mum has to go up and check on her all the time. Has she ridden there?

Is she ridden up on a horse? Yeah, incredible. She hasn't.
She drove her Hyundai there.

And like, Nana reckons the TV remote controls the central heating and stuff. And once she muted the TV when my mum was on the phone.

And when my mum came in from being on the phone, she went, when I pressed mute on the television, it stopped you talking as well.

And she thought it was true and uh like these are all like we call them nanecdotes oh that's cool

but it's not my joke but i stole it from an ancient bit that russell brand did so i think i'm allowed it yeah i think i can have it i think i can go like yeah nanecdotes yeah i say that you are you are allowed to use it but you have to sell one of his amulets online

they're very good what can i say i don't agree with what the man did but great amulets Oh, really good ammunition. So

you haven't had anything to eat yet. You've got nothing to eat yourself.

She hasn't eaten anything. No.
At 10.30,

I heated up last night's kebab. I had half a lamb sheesh kebab left.

So you're having a day backwards. Well, no.
She's having a...

She's not quite yet.

Nobody rides a horse just before bedtime, do they? I mean, no one does dress-on to go with them. But you have half a sheesh kebab.
Yeah, not even the top people. No, okay.

Was this a kebab you'd got from a kebab shop or was it a...

Yeah, it was a it was uh from um shiraz in my hometown which did really they're quite they're quite posh kebabs actually but i'd had a flush day on sunday so i went oh do you know what i can order myself one of their 15 pound kebabs as a little treat on the sunday and then i ate i ate half of it on the monday did me two days we are well set up now for a big afternoon i feel i mean because you've you've had your um athletics in the morning although is it tiring riding a horse i'd say it is It is.

It genuinely is.

I know it looks like, but you're just sitting there. I get so out of breath doing dressage.
Way more than I do if I go jumping.

If I do any jumping, I don't get out of breath as much as when I do dressage because you've got to lock your abs on constantly. Right.
So to be clear, that's jumping on a horse, not just

don't worry, everyone. That's just Anna Kempner's daughter.
She's weird.

All right. So you have your kebab.

So that is, that's great. So it's a sheesh.
If you've got like, because yesterday's kebab,

sometimes a salad and, you know, the bread is a dinner heat up the salad. Right, okay.
No, the salad's in a separate thing.

And then I, and it comes with bulgur wheat.

That's what it's called, isn't it? It comes with that, which has got a nice dressing on it. So I heated all that up and then I added the, is it pronounced jajique? I've got some of that as well.

So I dumped all that on. It's quite nice.
It's a nice kebab, and then you've got the bread, you can just dip it in. It's not like it doesn't just come in a pitter.
That's lovely.

It was a really nice lunch at 10:30. Yeah, that's early for a kebab, but it does sound tasty.
And I had my coffee at that point. I'm allowed sometimes to a day if I don't make them too strong.

And I do it the same way every time. It's instant granules with hazelnut syrup and milk and cream.
And then you just put your hot water on. Yeah, it's like what a child would drink.

That's an ordeal. That's an amazing coffee.
Wow.

And sometimes I have two of those. Yeah.
It was a great morning, actually. I did feel like I'd got a lot done.
So, what happens next? Well, then I'm sort of,

I got to like half 11 and I went, I might as well go to bed. So I got into my bed.

Yes, I love a nap so much.

The dream is to get a half-hour nap in. I didn't manage it, but I it sort of lased around.
I've been watching the rehearsal, season two of the rehearsal, the new Nathan Fielder series. Incredible.

I was at a wedding in Canada because my boyfriend knows him. And I was at a wedding in Canada in September 2023.
And he was there at the wedding. And I got introduced.
And I wasn't very cool about it.

I was like, oh, bloody hoe.

And I thought, I wonder if he'd be charmed just because I'm English and he wasn't. Oh.

Wasn't at all. We didn't make friends or anything.
Oh shit. Because at a wedding you've got a chance, haven't you, to be like, oh, actually, yeah, we got on really well.
And yeah. Yeah.

I mean, nothing bad happened. But at one point, I saw him on the next morning after the wedding.
This has stuck with me forever.

And it's like, my boyfriend thinks I should just stop thinking about it. It's not important.
But he was walking past. And

I, this was morning after the wedding. And so there was like a big breakfast at this big place the wedding had been at.
And our eyes met. And

I waved like that. And he just looked away oh no

and i've never i'm never gonna get over it and then my my boyfriend's like that is don't worry about it he's probably hung over it don't worry but who cares how big was the wave how big was it so both hands like yeah hello

you you've met me it was one hand one hand wave but i did go like oh

I panicked. I was like, oh no, we're looking at each other.

Have the horses taught you nothing. You got to go over.

You just got to pat it authoritatively on the side. Like, I have a fucking clue.
I don't know how to switch on a horse, but I would imagine that's what you should do. You should do that.

Big pat on the neck. Hello, mate.
Yeah. Get in a headlock and then be like, we're going to walk very slowly, but calmly today.
Calmly. And the horse is like, I get it.
Yep.

Have you ever been starstruck, David? You don't strike me as a... the type of thing.
You're so famous, David. I bet you could meet Nathan Fielder and you're like, we're equals.

Stop.

Not

really.

I don't.

I've met.

There's a journalist called Paul Kimmage who is. I think it's Little John.
Is that it?

Big fan.

There's a journalist called Paul Kimmage, who is the guy, one of the guys who brought down Lance Armstrong. And he was a professional cyclist in the era when I was obsessed with...

I had his picture on my wall when I was little. I see.

And I once got to interview him. He's a man who's so hardcore.

He once traveled to LA, I think, just to ask Lance Armstrong in a press conference if, with him coming back to cycling, some say the cancer has returned to the sport.

And so that's how hardcore is. This is that guy.
Oh, he's like the main guy. I didn't realize he'd been a cyclist as well.
He's the main guy.

That's

amazing.

I think because he'd been on my wall when i was uh a kid i did feel yeah i got to interview him and i was starstruck with that that that is cool because you would meet a lot of footballers max i wouldn't say they hold much shock value for you no no not and it's interesting because quite a lot of people sort of bow at their feet and if you're just a bit normal i think they kind of quite like it generally they're just like oh someone someone is just treating me like a human being i mean i've mentioned already but the first time i met Dr.

Carl Kennedy from Neighbours, I was like, whoa.

This guy, this is the guy.

I would be, I reckon I would be. Aside from that, no, I don't.
Like, the whole idea of this podcast is I don't think anyone's life is interesting. So, like, you know,

the most famous person in the world, they'd just be doing the same thing.

Apart from not all of them be doing dressage, but you know, they're getting up, doing something, having lunch, doing something, going, you know, like that. It's just all what we're all doing.

My friend did, was obsessed with Van Morrison, like genuinely thought he was a mystic and was invited backstage at a gig to meet him but his first encounter with van morrison was van morrison banging on the door of the loo where my friend was having a wee and using the third person saying van morrison needs to do a shite

and that's

don't meet your heroes don't meet your dead

third person as well

that's so funny all right so we've we've we've laid in bed

in bed watching the rehearsal and then at about half 12 guess who's up toronto boyfriend because he lives in toronto so he owes long distance at the moment okay yeah yeah it's been long distance from the start eventually wants to move here with our like glittering job prospects and uh cheap housing but he he uh he rings when he gets up about half seven oh that's nice which is 12 30 our time So then I'm like wide awake and bothering him while he's just waking up.

Right. And are we FaceTime? Are we just

a classic old school phone call? What are we doing? It's

WhatsApp video chat. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's a good one. WhatsApp video.
So we catch up on what he did the night before. Because obviously he goes to bed when I'm at like 5 a.m.
my time.

Hang on. Wait.
This wasn't a podcast, was it? Because

I'm about to launch my lawyer as

instructions.

You can no longer talk to him, I'm afraid, about that.

Good point. Good point.
Well, I won't divulge that bit.

You have a good chat.

We were on the phone for like three hours. Most days we chat for like hours.

That's a waste of my time. Oh, that's really lovely.
Everyone's time. It is, but like, I can't wait for him to live here.
Yeah, we were long distance for three years, although

for those three years, I wanted her to go out with me and she didn't want me to go out with her. I'm not sure of that slander.

When you were married,

so we were in touch a great deal, and I think it, you know, so it was slightly different.

It was the sort of the um, what I call the ambiguous years that she would call the I wasn't really into years, um,

but it did sort of you know, it has a romance to it when she finally became interested that you know, that this sort of courtship had gone on for so long. Mate, what wore her down eventually?

constantly

constant messages on Skype. Just Skype.
That's Skype.

She just couldn't hear that

Skype noise again.

And so she's like, I'll move to London, whatever. You know,

sort of that, I think. Oh, it's it's nice though, it worked out.
It's the most romantic tale you've ever heard. He wore her down after three years.

Yeah.

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Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Okay, so

how long have you been with Toronto Man?

In August, it'll be three years.

We followed each other on Twitter like in 2014.

oh wow and we chatted loads um around like 2015 2016 he's a comedian too so we had mutuals and then we followed each other and then like 2016 beginning of 2016 we were like messaging all the time never we never had a phone call we never really had a flirt but we were like messaging all day all the time and then he ghosted me

yeah

do you know what he got done gone and done he gone and got himself a girlfriend in his own country what a selfish pig you love me talking about this on the podcast and then we just didn't have any chatting for like years and then till the pandemic and then we did each other's podcasts over zoom right i got it i went i know someone international and was your podcast is called will you go out with me canadian man

like you won't believe how long the game i'll play is

that's great he was charmed just by me being british so you can imagine why i thought nathan fielder Fielder would just like hear the accent and go, you sound interesting.

Guess again. So you chatted yesterday for three hours.
Three hours on three hours on the FaceTime, yeah.

That's good. And are you doing like, and while you're chatting, are you occasionally just like doing the washing up and like doing other stuff? Or are you?

Oh, yeah. Like I take the computer all over the house and then I'm like eating some more of the kebab because some of the bread was left over.
So I ate that. And

then we

sometimes we both play our word games at the same time, that's lovely. And then I guess it was like four-ish, I had to start getting ready for my gig.
Yeah, oh, yeah,

here we go. This is good.
So, you're just like, oh, we'll chat for three hours tomorrow. And when are you next to see each other? And this is not yesterday-related, David.

He gets here, yeah. I don't know when this comes out, but he will be here in mid-June for a week.
Ah, great. Uh, so that's why he's coming here.
It's a pain in the ass, long distance.

I think it must have been a lot easier to have these long-distance relationships 100 years ago where you could just move to their country pretty cheaply without visas and that.

And also just write a letter and it might get there, it might not.

Yeah, yeah. You probably couldn't have as much back and forth.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
All right. So we've got, we've got gig preparation from four.
Talk us through it. Yeah, I think it like around then.

Oh, and I did a bit of work on, I mean, I'm in a musical in June called The Frogs.

And I went over the, I've got like one song in it. And I went over the song.
You have actual talent you know no one will ever ask me to sit because you guessed on my musical whatever

I don't know I think you would I think if you reached out people would be like go oh yeah no that would be great thank you let's do it David what are we gonna be I don't we shouldn't go for Hamilton that's a tricky one to begin with but I reckon Joseph Joseph we could be in Joseph

Joseph I think you'd be a great Joseph David what's the famous song from Joseph and I'll try and sing it as early as

I close my eyes? Here we go. Here we go.

I'm one of those people who has an unexpectedly low singing voice when I try and sing properly. It's Barry Voice.
It's Barry Weiss. He's so excited.
I know why that is. I know why that is, by the way.

It's because you dropped your larynx, which is the right thing to do.

But by dropping your larynx, you get a very dark tone, which is why

your intuition is to sing low.

that's why that happens who who sings any dream will do what character in joseph joe joseph does so jonathan donovan or philip scofield depending

there's no way probably jason donovanovan

there's no way donovan's going down down into his nuts the way uh i'm going with

do you remember when james earl jones played joseph

that was one of my favourites

a couple of months uh at the Geel Good, and it was just marvellous. It was really good.
People said it redefined the role.

I think it is a tough song to bring the sort of dark cragginess that I'm going to bring to it.

Cave is Joseph.

Pull back the curtain.

What a rich sound. Thank you.

Don't be surprised if offers come in.

Is it not like, how long's the run of frogs?

Well, the run is four weeks, but they've got a different person. They've got a different guest star playing Pluto every week.
So I'm only doing a week. But it's like someone from Drag Race,

someone who was in It's a Sin, I think.

And like, so they're like guest people.

We're just doing like two days of rehearsal. But is that eight shows? Because I always think like.
Eight shows in a week is insane. And like matinee, I think is insane.

To do it, come up and do exactly the same thing. I'd be like, I can't do that.
I just can't. No.

Honestly, I would like last year, I was in, they did like

Bruce Robinson adapted Withnell and I for the stage. So it's the world premiere of Withnell and I.

And I played all the women and they had a live band all the way because there's nuts that many in Wivnell and I. And then there's a live band doing all the music.

And it's music from the film plus other songs from the late 60s.

And I was the lead singer and did some keyboards in the band.

so we were doing that and that was eight shows a week and the run was only four weeks and by the end of it I was like I think we've done enough of this

what was the song you had to keep playing you're just like I can't hear that song ever again was the song no Uncle Monty please stay away from the cartridge

Monty you terrible

it was uh

well it wasn't a musical so it was just like we'd like the scene where they run out of the pub you know they're like, ah, they run out of the pub because that guy's like, I called him a podcast and now I'm calling you one.

They run out of the pub. And then we'd not blast in with in the white room with black curtains near the station.
We blast in with like a minute of that. Right.
And then later on,

well it opens with like a shade of pale. And when the curtain went up and the audience saw it was a live band, the audience would go like, oh, bloody hell every time, which was quite cool.

But I did get quite fed up with doing the same thing every night. By the end, yeah, we had fun hanging out, though.
So that's all right.

I think if you've got a good company, you will at least enjoy the social time and then you do the show.

Sorry to again, we're not in my comfort zone. This is a bit like horses.
I have very little experience of musicals,

but surely doing the same thing again is the essence of a musical. As in, if it's les mis,

you can't just go in your own. You can't be like, all

let's bring the king back. You know, you've got to stick to it.

I remember an interview with Roger Lloyd Pack, who's died, hasn't he? But he played trigger in OnlyFoals and Horses.

And he was in a play, and in the interview, they said, How do you keep it fresh every night? He said, Oh, well, you can change it up.

Like sometimes in the middle of one of my monologues, I will sit down in a chair. And I was thinking, like, that's not enough for me.
Yeah,

across the streams, but we were talking about on Football Weekly

the theatre, because my co-host on that, Barry Glendenning, hates the theatre. It's just a funny thing to hate.
All of it. All of it.
Not interested.

And then someone emailed him to say they went as a school kid to a play and Roger Lloyd Pack was in it. And obviously they just wanted it to be trigger.

And it wasn't, he wasn't doing any triggering at all. A bit like my friend Nick Say Call Anyone, Dave.
A bit like my friend Nick, who I think we talked about this, who loved Star Wars.

And so then he would open the Radio Times and find every film that Alec Guinness was in and watch them. And be

disappointed that he wasn't Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Exactly. Yeah, it's so funny.

Yeah. So you've got here, we're getting ready for your gig.
So getting ready, I did a bit of work on that ad. I had a bar.
I never shower. I have a bath.

And people say, oh, well, you're still, you're just lying in your own film. I'm like, David, David, I mean, David is head of PR for baths.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you set it as warm as possible?

Also, do you get into the empty bath? At what point do you get in while the water is still going in? Or do you... It's usually, I would say, an inch and a half of water.

And then I get in and I like kneel in it and go. And every time I go, should have waited.

But it's so nice as it fills up our actual. That's so interesting because David made a big thing early in this podcast about how he lowers himself into the bath.

And then everyone who's had a bath, we asked how they lower themselves in.

and then someone realized that actually everyone does it exactly the same way but you are the first person to get in when there's basically no water in kneeling yeah i get in and i kneel right so you kneel in the bath and then at what point do you unfurl yourself and lie back

it's usually usually as it's uh as it's reached as full as it's going to get actually yeah i see i wait till then i have only just realized what i do is i'm kneeling and i've got my hands in two fists and i'm sort of leaning on them a bit okay okay, I see.

And I was watching YouTube. So I got that, I balance my laptop on the side of the bar and watch YouTube.
But sort of sitting a bit like you'd imagine a gorilla. Yes.
So what YouTube have you put on?

Because obviously you can't,

your hands are clenched, famously difficult to change. You can't do no diving.

I'd already put it on.

So what have we put on? How to get into a bath.

Yeah. Like the gorilla approach.
Here we are. This is great.

Okay.

I was probably watching, I think

around that point in the day, I'd have been catching up on there's a YouTube channel called No Justice.

She's really good, Helena. She's like an economist, specializes in the economy.
And she just does really good debunking videos. She's dead funny and scathing.

So she'll show a politician's interview and go, let me fact check that. And it's really good.
I wouldn't YouTube in the bath.

I don't know if sacred is too strong a word, but sometimes if the helencopter comes in from being out, she'll hear the taps and just come in for a chat. Okay.

And she will always say, I just have this look of injustice on my face. Just, what the hell are you doing?

I am at a very personal time, even though it's just me similarly kneeling with my fists clenched while his football podcast plays sitting on the loo

and helen's just like this isn't a sacred time at all you're just

a sweaty steamy man

okay i would like if if i did live with my fella and he came in for a chat I like to think I'd be like, oh, that's nice. But

that's because I don't live with him. And if I did, I think the novelty of that would wear off pretty fast.

Yeah, I get over it. It's still nice to see her, but there is something deeply personal about my bath time.
About bath time. So you'd never have YouTube on? I wouldn't have YouTube on.

No, a podcast, maybe, but...

Probably a classier podcast than Max talking about football. Probably an inner time on the life of Mollyer.
Yes, you know, something like that, where

I'm really learning something. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. How long are you in that? How long are you in the bath? Not that long.
Sometimes I'll do half an hour, but it's rare.

It's usually 10 to 15.

That's okay. That's okay.
And do you just lie in it or do you, do you, because that's the thing that people say about a bathroom.

No, I don't just go.

You shower at the end. That's the sort of ultimate thing.
No,

no, no. No, no, no.

I'm not double baggage.

No, no, you idiot. You absolute buffoon.
You ignoramus.

I wouldn't even consider showering off the bathwater.

I would never.

I tend to not dry very well. And then just, if no one's around, and to be honest, if Helen's around, yeah, sometimes I will just decadently...

promenade around the house in the nudes or just start doing like if i have an email to send or whatever it'll be me in full work mode but okay absolutely like punishingly naked. Yes,

I don't know. I'm not much of a walk-around nude person.
Definitely, I do dry off, but I had to then immediately get ready for the gig, so there was no time for decadence.

Interestingly, I had a shower just before this podcast, and I was drying myself in the living room.

Jamie said, The way you dry yourself gives me the ick.

I think because I sort of put one leg, I will put one, I'll hoist a leg on like a sideboard or something to sort of dry the necessary sideboard into the necessary area.

I think it's really high as well. So your leg's like around your shoulder height.

There was once

when we lived in London, had a sort of mezzanine, and I was doing that as she was sort of downstairs and looking and I was sort of looking down, but I hadn't really considered the exact angle that was really terrible.

But then quite recently, I had to look for something under the telly and I'd just come out of the shower. So I just went.
Then she was like, that was the worst.

That was the worst move that she had in her life. Why have you put me through this?

I blame the parents. I don't think I was ever taught to dry.
No, I don't think I was. Because I certainly wasn't taught to wash.

Because occasionally I will have a shower and say post-football, it's only at the drying you realize there's mud all over your legs and now it's all over the towel.

Yeah, well, yeah, you sort of the towel becomes uh an extension of the washing, yeah. Yes, yeah,

okay. So, we get ready for the gig, we get ready for the gig, Sus.

Where are we playing? What are we where are we going to get to?

I was going to drive down to Brighton because it was Bank Holiday Monday. Trains are a mess.
I live near Gatwick, and the trains are such a state, and it's like £18 for a return. It's insane.

So, I thought I'll drive down. I know someone's got a horse, horse.
Yeah, yeah.

I clip-clopped down on Roddy, me and rowdy roddy pony clip clop down have we eaten anything else have we eaten anything else before we've left the house we've just had the kebab is there anything else i don't think i did i think i just ate the kebab but i knew that when i got to my venue at six yeah um i parked i park outside the cats protection league charity shop because you can park two hours £3.40.

So I did that.

And I walked and then the parking's free. So I walked...
down to the gig and it was at the actors which used to be the Marlborough in Brighton.

And we've been told you get a free dinner at six and the show's at 7:30. Right.
So, I was there, I was there for that free dinner, and I had squash and courgette curry. Yeah,

great,

really good. It was feeling, but not too much, you know.
The Cats Protection League does sound like an organization that assists elderly jazz musicians or something.

These cats need our help.

I bet you get some good nanc dots down there. It's the think about a curry.
I'm nervous about a curry before a performance, you know, because... Veggie curry is fine.

Yeah, and also, like, I don't know. It doesn't seem to matter the food I eat.
If there's going to be, like, a brown problem, it won't be because of what I've eaten. It never is.

It's always just, like, random. Yeah.
I wasn't thinking just immediately about... like the entire

lineup, you know, just shitting all over the stage.

You know, it was more just a bit after

a bit heavy after a curry you know it feels like curry and then bed last morning okay good okay so we have a curry curry and then bed deal with that in the morning then you're what loitering for an hour we know ate the curry and then it was we went up to the room above the pub and we we did the gig and it was the 10th anniversary of uh lamb comedy which is like a floating Brighton comedy company that books all year round.

And this was their 10th anniversary. And she, Amy, who runs it, had invited some of her favourite acts from across the years to come down and do it.

So I was on with Athena Coblanyu, who I never get to see. So we're rarely on the same build together.
So we got to hang out. That was nice.
She's good fun.

Are you trying out a few new bits or are you doing the old classic? I did. Do you know what? I was feeling quite tired because it'd been a long day.
And I'd done a preview the day before.

And the day before that, I'd had to drive Chef Bikasandi to Wales because I've been doing tour support for her. So I was really knackered.

So what I decided was I'm going to do some good, reliable stuff. But it was such a nice audience, so I got to be a bit silly with them.
Do you know what's good about when I do dressage in the morning?

It fixes my posture for the whole day. So on stage, I could feel like my shoulders were dead loose and down.
The government should just bring that in free for everyone, shouldn't they?

Free dressage for everyone. Yeah, it is good.
It gives you beautiful posture. All right.

I just feel with the amount of pressure you're under at the moment in your life, Max, with your two children, and then when you get into quite a lot of trouble for playing a football match once every two weeks, if you were then to add to that, with just right, everyone, let's get up and do our

four horses, one for a 12-week old, one for a three-year-old.

My brother is,

my niece is three and a half. It's my brother and his wife's only kid.
And he's like been trying to get her into horses.

And they live quite far away and he's been trying to get her into horses because obviously my mum's got access but she's got access to like great big dressage horses not nice little safe ponies for kids and so they brought a few weeks ago he was like it's a momentous day Ari that's my niece's name she's going to have her first ride on a horse and they brought and and so my mum and my brother were going to lead her around on Roddy and they came down on the train two hours taxi from the station to where this yard is miles from a station and they got there and they put her on this horse, led her around one circuit, and she went, Can I get off now?

Yeah.

And I said, I've been saying, like, he's lucky. The last thing he wants is for her to be horse mad.
It's too expensive as a hobby. It would be tough to find.
Sorry, just back to cowboys again.

Yeah, cowboys.

If you were to shoot on the back of a horse,

okay,

that would be, it would really take a lot of training to get a horse that isn't going to react

to you shooting. I swear, right, because in World War I, they were still riding horses into battle.

And I swear, loads of those soldiers must have died just because their horses went, oh, Jesus Christ. And some of them just fell off the back and the horses ran off to safety.

I swear that must have been like, that must have happened a bit more. They probably didn't have a lot of time to train the horses, did they? You know, no, they were like, we've all seen War Horse.

They were just like, this one pulls a cart and now it can be ridden into war. Oh, God, it's so so sad yeah it's horrible isn't it yeah what a world what a world

there's nowhere to go from there it's just sad is it i mean no sorry about that

no you're all right the world the war world war one was sad i guess when you think about it i think world war one if i had to come down on one side or the other i wouldn't pick a nation but i do think the whole thing was quite sad yeah i think i'm probably i don't really i don't really i don't really like war i think it's I think it's a net negative.

I think you're probably right.

Do you know that Joe Rogan's got in trouble recently for people who not don't know much about history talking about history on his podcast i think this could be us right here

they said war was bad overall world war one was a sad war i think i agree with that

um at the end of the gig is this a hang around and say thanks to everybody or is it just get in the car and oh literally the gig ran quite late and it was too hot in the room like it was overrunning and it was like 10 o'clock by the time he finished and i was like i wait i'll be home by 10.

So I just went

and ran to my car. But it was a nice gig.
Also, I took it on because they were like, Oh, you can promote your Brighton Fringe show by doing the gig. So I went, Oh, yeah, good idea.
So I took it on.

Uh, but my Brighton Fringe show was the day before. So essentially, I was like, Everyone, make sure

you ride roundy roddy pony at 88 miles an hour so you can go back a day and see my show. But that's my own fault.
That's like admin error.

All right, so we're home at 10:30. I got

no

journey home. Oh, did we listen to

you? Well, I ran to my car, which is over a mile away. I did run as well.
So I don't know how to run to my car.

The cats protection, the

jazz club, top cats. Top cat is there.

Yeah.

You got Miles Davis.

I jumped in my car.

I put my co-optids up, the Britannology podcast, talking about it. And then um I got petrol £10

and then I rang my boyfriend because I like to chat to him when I'm on the road so I was driving along but there's always a bit between Brighton and home on the A23 where you lose signal for 15 minutes which I think is ridiculous okay so we had 15 minutes of like you're just nothing 15 minutes of put the podcast back on to be honest okay fine right just auto plays when uh when the call cuts out uh but yeah then i can he likes a gig report and how was the gig really nice it was really good yeah there was nothing wrong with it.

It was just hot in the room. So by the time it finished, I was like, all right, get me to my house.

You guys should be together in the same place.

I think so. I know.
It's just a money thing. You're going to have to steal a lot more iPods.
I know. Yeah.
And

Rowdy Wardy Pony is getting on a bit. So I don't know how many more we're going to be able to steal using our famous method.

My nest egg was me two old iPods and I've already.

so we get in the door at what half 10? 11. It was 11 when I got in.
All right. And are we straight to bed or are we? No.
And I call me boyfriend again and we have a drink together. Oh, that's nice.

So I made myself an old-fashioned like Don Draper.

Okay.

And I have an old-fashioned

and he, I think, actually, I think he was just having a little cup of tea because for him it was 6 p.m.

and he had to he still had to go out and work himself so I was just gradually getting more drunk and ranting and raving and then he he stays on the phone to me till I go to sleep usually

oh my goodness yeah

so as it to the point it's like do you does he have to like stay on until you're actually asleep or do you like he sometimes he just goes oh you're falling asleep so I'm gonna go and I'm like yeah bye or sometimes I don't i don't like i'd remember him leaving the call but i hope he doesn't watch me for too long that would be weird wouldn't it

sometimes i wake up with a start you wake up at 2 a.m and this is just his eyes

no no no that's never happened but sometimes like 20 minutes after the call's ended i go oh and i get all confused i go oh god mellow michael and i ring him i'll go i'm sorry and he goes no it's fine we ended this call please leave me

It's beautiful. It reminds me of Max when he was courting with Mrs.
Max. Yeah.
Except just her final words before she dozes off for just, this is just a friendship. Okay.

I just do it to break the sound of the Skype.

I love you. I'm just not in love with you.
That one.

What made her finally fall for you?

Great question.

What do you think it was?

Because I know we were like, ha ha, you wore her down, but that's not what happened. There must have been something where she went, wait, I had shit in my eyes this whole time.
Yeah.

Well, she had had shit in her eyes the whole time. That was, that was true.

I think we've just been talking until, I think a bit like you, like, we were just talking all the time. And I

remember if there was one day where, I don't know, my phone wasn't on or whatever. And then she was like, oh, that's weird.
I haven't spoken to him. And then she asked me out eventually.

She asked me out yeah i'd been playing

i'd been playing it brilliant

well done

thanks i mean in a way i had but in many other ways like i don't think not really yeah she'd just been in vermont and i just happened to be there for no apparent reason and

other things like that i i fell fell for my fellow because i was recording my first ever tape special like first ever comedy special that was going to be put out there and on the day uh my then not boyfriend, just Canadian man that I was chatting to all the time, he sent me a £25 John Lewis voucher.

And

I was so touched that I went, oh my God.

I feel it. And I told someone and she is Joe comedian Jenny Bede.
I told her, I was like, Jenny, sent me a £25 John Lewis voucher. And she just went, Seuss, he's your boyfriend.

And then, and then 10 months later, we met.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

So now we're we're asleep.

You drifted off. He's staring at you

for hours during his cup of tea.

He's staring at you, and sort of just like sipping the tea, but once every 15 minutes till it's freezing, and he keeps sipping it like a serial killer, I imagine, would.

Dude, you say, because it feels like a good day, that's a busy day. It starts in a brilliant day.
It's quite a busy day. Yeah.
What a start. Idea.

It started with a horse and it ended with a Canadian gentleman. Yeah.
As all days should.

This is every, as every day should.

Begin horse horse, end with whiskey. Oh, well, thank you, Suze.
Thanks for coming on. Thanks.

So there was Suze Kepner's Day. David, I love a day that begins straight away with EastEnders.
That is what a way to start a day.

That really threw me now at the start. It's not that we feel our way into this podcast, but no one's ever thrown a jagged curveball like that.

I remember going to a screening

for Bronson when I think Tom Hardy was going to come on Soccer M and then he didn't.

It was at 10 o'clock in the morning. And I was like, this is too early to watch Bronson.

And in my mind, 6.15 a.m. is too early to watch EastEnders.

It's like, I'm not ready for, you know, Sharon to just come in, you you know, walk into her, you know, living room and just open a whiskey and down a shot because she's just furious about everything.

We really had nothing to say about horses and dressage. Like, I just feel, let's imagine it was football, okay?

And we were like cracking jokes that are that basic, you know, oh, people running around chasing a roundy thing.

Like, that's the level of analysis we have on dressage. Well, I suggested all stable, all people who work at stables are tiny Irishmen.
Yeah.

I thought that was good gear, but you could just tell from her reaction to it.

Oh, God.

I mentioned sugar lumps. I'm like, QI is going

all the time with me, isn't it?

Not sugar lumps, you idiot.

Suze hosts the Guardian's Dressage Weekly podcast

where she gets on five tired old hacks from the dressage game and they go through the weekend dressage.

And also, I have been behind the scenes working for months to get Charlotte Dujardin on this podcast. And I just don't feel that's going to happen now.

I didn't get that. So she is a prominent dressager who had been filmed cracking a whip in the vicinity of a dressaging horse.
Basically, yes, I don't know.

She didn't punch a horse. and um uh but

and i just like saying dujardin that's that's that's the main reason i really came across yeah didn't come across yeah it's a you have a try david it's really fun once you said it once you want to say it again give it a go he every to the listeners every time max said charlotte dujardin he had a face like you know when a baby takes a dump in a nappy and just sort of

gazes skywards with a look of serenity

It's sort of, there's something euphoric about saying it.

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all right thank you David thanks for doing this in it for life everything is showbiz in it for life

everything although there was a there was a there was a line right at the end wasn't it as any day the day began with a horse and ended with a Canadian man as all days should

may your day

start with a horse and end with a Canadian man thanks for listening thank you