WDWDY #21: Symphony of the Butt...

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many?

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it.

And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushdon, and I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Max is gone.

That was me.

Sorry, Max, you're going to have to unmute yourself.

I thought I was muting me and turning my video off.

Apologies.

Wow.

What a blow at the start of a podcast to be muted and your screen taken away by the producer, David.

How should I feel about this as we enter episode whatever it is of Midweek Mayhem?

You know, sometimes we talk about who will replace one of us if one of us is unfortunately in an awful accident.

Well, that could have been producer Will attempting to just show like any idiot could do this.

If Max Bygraves had appeared on the screen at that exact moment, you'd have known.

And soon it'll be Max Bygraves and David Dukovny.

What did you do yesterday?

Anyway, some feedback, David, on the Adam Buxton episode.

We begin with this from Rachel in Cornwall.

Dear David and Max, I was listening to the Adam Buxton episode on the train train just now on my way to work, headphones on and gazing out the window when my Bluetooth connection dropped at a highly inopportune moment.

Adam, talking about his bravery in the face of giving blood, shouted just as my headphones stop and the audio blasts out of my phone.

You can stick it in my nub if you want to.

Keep up the good work.

Yours, blushing on a train, Rachel in Cornwall.

I would like to apologize personally to the people involved in taking blood from Adam and my suggestion that they could have been Transylvanian.

Okay.

I feel,

you know, if you're...

If you're a phlebotomist or whatever it is, there is a phlebotomist.

If your phlebotomist is speaking another language, I'm sorry, my comedic brain just goes straight to, well, they're obviously vampires and they're speaking in Transylvanian.

Imagine if that's what we were cancelled for.

What a moment it would be.

Front of the Daily Mail on a slow news day in july that'll be it they'll trawl back won't they there has been plenty of adam buxton reactions specifically on his gut on his flatulence on your flatulence this feedback in the form of a voice note from someone called jamie bruce who happens to be mrs rushton

your silence

R.

E.

Farting

on the Adam Buxton episode is deafening.

Deafony.

Now, a few things there.

First thing, immediately, is there was a solid hum in the background as she was talking, which I would like to think is you just letting a 30-second fog horn from your aris.

I think when she sent that, it was before I'd told the Galapagos story about letting Rip on like the most silent dinghy in the bulrushes of St.

James Island as we searched for the, you know, the long-lost skate or something, like the blue-footed booby.

But at that time, it was interesting when you two were talking about fart walks.

And I was thinking, well, I mean, I'm just a good listener, David.

I don't always need to put my own stamp on things.

You know, sometimes every step of like a, you know, of a kilometer journey, I could be just letting them go.

Also, an intriguing wrinkle to your and Mrs.

Rushton's relationship, where she seems to be sending you voice messages during her listen to it, which is a lot of effort, where she has to pause the podcast, go to voice notes, send you one, just non-stop updates.

I mean, to be fair, I think she had a point on that note.

I mean, when it's my yesterday and it's not mine today, I don't, maybe next week on my yesterday, I should take a note of every time I pass with

see, see where the clock counter gets to.

Can you imagine?

I have thought about that, Max.

If someone put all of my, in fact, we do have scientists who listen to this.

Now, I'm not sure there's ever been any research done on this particular one, but if you put all the farts you've ever done in a continuous tone, how long would that last?

And would it have a discernible melodic quality?

Would it be like a symphony of the butt?

I really hope when it all comes together that I have farted Siga Ross

without realizing it.

Well, Max, when you asked about why when you're having an ice pop that you squish up from the bottom, remember your theory that turned out to be because one of the world's foremost ice food measurers

was

the Caliba doctor.

Someone's gotta have numbers on lifetime duration of farts.

I think so.

I think so.

Maybe I'll note them down next week.

Jim got into say, if ever there was any doubt about our phones listening to us, Instagram served up this advert from The Independent, which said, What the heck is a fart walk?

Why this practice is being held as the secret to healthy aging?

Literally, as he's listening to you and Adam talking about whether you walk along to minor or major chords or arpeggios as you're trumping up the street.

Absolutely brilliant.

James says this.

Please pass on to Adam to solve his persistent flatulence issue.

I see when guests come on.

They think once they've said it, it's kind of done.

We're not going to revisit.

We can revisit this thing.

So, yes, this is Adam Buxton's persistent flatulence that we are

on.

Flax seeds also make you shitheaps if you're not careful.

Adam is basically pouring metamucil, whatever that may be, on his breakfast each morning and wondering why he can't control his ass.

In return, please ask him if he could hook me up with a CD signed by a member of E17.

Preferably the guy.

Preferably the guy who wore those outrageous hats.

Thanks for your stunning podcast, James.

You see, it's different.

I would want the autograph of the guy who at too many baked potatoes, fell out of his car, and then the car rolled over himself.

That guy from E-17.

No, I'd go the main guy, Tony.

He featured it on Sounds of the 90s, my favorite podcast, And it seemed like an altogether top guy, Tony Mortimer.

If we're going to get into it deep, you can't beat that as a song.

And Steam's also got, you know, bobs along, doesn't it?

There's a lyric about

where he goes, we'll have a spongy bath.

And he goes, yeah, we'll have a good laugh.

And I just never, I just don't think it's romantic.

Cole Porter never put that into one of his Max.

If it's real life, isn't it?

Imagine if my lifetime of forets.

Sorry to go back to this.

But if you did get the sound and you sped it up, you keep speeding it up.

Do you know the sound it makes?

And just when it finishes, I die.

And that's what they say when Peter Sissons is doing the news report and says.

The Irish comedian David O'Doherty has passed away at the age of 92.

I mean, Peter's doing well if he's still reading the news at that stage.

And his final message was, between,

here's a message which, thankfully, moves on from Adam Buxton and farting.

Sadly, it moves on to Omigillian shitting.

So anyway.

Amanda from Lewis in East Sussex says, hi, Max and DOD.

I've been listening since the start of what did you do yesterday?

And I love it.

Keep it going, boys.

I enjoy the chit-chat that comes up from all your conversations, both with guests and between yourselves.

Ended up laughing for about a week after Max's comment for an episode in March when he was observing people in their 30s coming out of what he thought were much nicer houses than his with how are you in there I agree yes much emphasis needed on all those five words equally I am I'm sure you'll be interested to know a sufferer of on and off constipation thank you Miranda for getting in touch People you know, they really do tell us their whole lives.

So after listening to the Ahmed Jalili episode when he talked about a certain tea he drinks every night to help things move along, I thought I would try some.

This is where it is important to point out: these are just generally comedians who don't know what the fuck they're doing in their life.

This is

not one of your grifting, high-performance type protocols.

I'll actually give you advice.

They're just normal comedians.

They're just normal comedians.

I thought I'd try some.

I purchased some Natural Leaf Dieters Babida and had a brew at about 10:30 p.m.

one night.

Then in Capitals, Christ,

how long?

Yeah.

By 3 a.m., I was pooing for England and Australia and a bit in my pants when I later went out for a walk around 10 a.m.ish.

I tried to hold it in, but no banana.

Upshot is it did empty me out.

But this tea is a very strong laxative.

It's not a long-term solution.

Do you think Ahmed knows this?

I mean, he's not an idiot, is he?

Or is he?

Is an intervention needed to prevent him drinking it every night?

If he carries on long-term, his bowels may forget how to push a poo out naturally.

His sphincter will become extinct.

Okay.

My final words are that I absolutely love Max's voice.

Sorry, David.

It's like heaven.

I would listen to him all day long reading the shipping forecast.

I have no interest in the forecast of anything.

Please get Tim Keon.

Love him.

Try again with him, David.

Manda from Lewis in East Sussex.

Thank you, Manda.

So I am the one that has to reach out to Buxton and tell him it's the flax seeds, and then reach out to Ahmed and tell him he's overdoing it from a Bibito tea point of view.

Fine.

The follow-ups.

Back to Adam Buxton on the break-up pube wig stalactite of sadness.

Is that right?

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

Seamus writes, Dear Max and David, a consistent theme of your pod intros are you asking what people are doing when listening to your pods.

I typically go for a longer run on Sunday and listen to the latest episode, distracting myself from the torpor of running with light-hearted chat.

I was on a run when listening to the Adam Buxton episode and was tackling a particularly long hill when the discussion on clearing the shower drains of your ex's hair came up.

I was so nauseated by the discussion around this, in particular the reference to the stalactite, that I had to stop to take deep breaths as I was so worried about throwing up.

When I recovered and I thought I was safe, I had to stop again at the mention of the special gel, each time stopping midway uphill, trying to steady my breathing.

I subsequently turned off the episode and listened to the rest when cleaning the windows later on that day.

Totally revolting.

Love the pod.

Keep it up.

That's from Moses Kiptanui, who was going for the world marathon record, and we ruined it.

Claire in North Wales writes, I've just finished listening to the Adam Buxton episode and my enjoyment was marred by David's suggestion that riding a bike can cause your bum hole to inhale.

And Adam in response to this said, possibly.

I hope he was just being polite because the idea you can breathe through your bum is both ridiculous and dangerous.

Have you not considered the impressionable children who may be listening?

What if they believe this nonsense and try something dangerous the next time they're swimming?

They think, oh, it's fine to fully submerge their head and just leave their ass above water because it'll breathe in.

And when a lifeguard has to rescue them, flailing around near to death and gives them the kiss of life to revive them, they come round croaking, but David O'Doherty said you can breathe through your bum.

I feel it's my duty to report this episode to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents and possibly the RNLI too.

I would say I'm disappointed in him, but I fear I cannot expect common sense or normality from someone who has such a warped idea of what constitutes a normal cheese.

Yeah.

That listener has obviously never done my version of snorkeling where you just have your butt out of the water and you gulp down.

A guy in my class in school's sister could, and we'll leave this subject and never discuss it again on the podcast.

She could fire it at will, but I do remember she had to sit near a radiator.

And I don't remember why, but the heat from that seemed to do something.

And then, because she could do little tunes and stuff.

A few people have got in touch about the Alex Horne football match, which, if you remember, was the day before

the yesterday we did with Nish Kumar last year.

So, we're a year in to recording these things.

Uh, Laura says, I know what David did yesterday, and I saw a whole lot more of DOD than I bargained for.

During Alex Horne's charity football game yesterday, David was wrongly accused by Maisie Adam of being the traitor on Team Chicken, which led to a quite visually disturbing defection to the egg team when he stripped down to his pants in outrage at the injustice, leaving us all on the edges of our seats, waiting to hear the revelation of the real traitor and feeling waves of indignation from David's thankfully reclothed body for the remainder of the match.

The match went on to destruct us with many more of Horn's added football rules and exciting sudden death decider.

Yet I awake today with one thing on my mind.

Who are the real traitors?

Are you okay now?

says Laura.

Yeah, you did get down to your underpants, didn't you, David?

Look, it required a big reaction.

So there's 4,000 people, I believe, in Chesham, Chesham United's ground, which was a half-hour train from Heathrow.

It was a wonderful day.

Raised money for the club and for various charities.

Good.

We've got that out of the way.

Yeah.

So Horn, Alex Horne is the taskmaster man and unhappy with normal football.

He'd put in several extra rules.

Some of them, fine.

After a goal, you get a chance to double the goal by doing a crossbar challenge.

Okay, nothing wrong with that.

Rolling substitutes, obviously, nothing wrong with that.

Now it gets a bit tricky.

You can't go in the D.

In football, there's a small D at the edge of the box.

And that was like lava.

No one was allowed into it.

Okay, that's tricky during the sort of, you know, the high-stakes, high-intensity football that I'm expecting.

Now, there were some lovely rules that I think your sort of football and Melbourne Bohemians could look at, such as when Wrecking Ball the is that Katy Perry who sucks is Wrecking Ball Yeah, that's good enough came on two balls were put on the pitch right okay yeah even better than that was when a sit-down by James came on every player had to sit down on the ground and only the two goalkeepers became active so they effectively had a sort of death match one-on-one where they would have to sprint to the ball now that it turns out that's the best rule I saw the video of my friend Charlie Baker winning that duel and sprinting away and scoring.

It was a great moment.

Let's bring it full circle.

He at the Euro final or semi-final was sitting behind the lead singer of James, who was standing up.

It's so high.

You're there going, I can't.

I can't.

Can I?

I can't.

Shit out, mate.

Oh, God.

Every fiber of your being.

So, in addition to those rules, Horn has put, this is in the advertised booklets, there is one traitor on each team who's secretly operating for the other team.

Now, I, because I think you or Charlie sent me all the rules and I was like, I'm down with this.

But actually,

and like, far be it from me to say Alex Horns had a bad idea.

I thought this was a bad idea because obviously it would be.

If you were the traitor and you didn't want to be discovered, well, you couldn't obviously just try and score an own goal.

It's so obvious.

So you'd have to just have have like a bit of a shit game.

And I'd be annoyed that I was having to have a bit of a shit game in front of people.

Like that would annoy me.

I'm happy to have a shit game on my own, just shitness.

But the fact that that was there would like really, that would be like great with my soul.

Let me add one more layer to this then.

In addition to being many of the guests we've had on this podcast and Legends of Taskmaster playing in this match, there was also

four professional or semi-pro players from the actual team of the club who were operating at such a higher level.

You know,

we go back to the old thing about how the Olympics should have one regular person trying to do the high jump.

Well, it was kind of like, well, this is why you shouldn't do that because they are

epically faster,

you know, skilled.

Chesham is down the pyramid, isn't it?

It's the sixth tier, I believe.

Yeah, so they're good, but they're not that good, but they are still really good.

Like, you can only imagine how much better professionals in the top tier are, because these were some of the best players I have ever played with.

I was marked out of a game by Yap Shtam once, and that

I thought I'd get a kick, but turns out I didn't.

He was taken quite seriously.

He was terrifying.

Sorry, so back to this.

With those guys there, you're only going to have a mediocre game, really.

You know what I mean?

But however, I thought I was doing really well.

They put me in left back, which left back in the dressing room.

La la la la.

But I felt I was doing a good job because I think they saw me, a 49-year-old, granted with an incredible six-pack, but as a point of weakness.

And I repelled wave after wave.

And then you got accused of being the traitor.

Exactly.

So I hadn't thought about this.

So it's on the mic in the center of the pitch with horn at halftime.

Who do you think the traitor is?

Now, Maisie said she was just going by the fact that pre-game, I had said something like, I wonder which one of us is the traitor, which is a classic thing she said that the traitor would say.

So, Max, I reacted as you definitely would if you were accused of being a traitor in a match where you were trying really hard and tore off my jersey of chicken FC and my shorts and just threw them at her feet and stormed off into the dressing room and re-emerged moments later in the kit of the other team.

Great.

So, and the conclusion was there actually weren't any traitors.

Alex Horn had made that bit up.

Yeah.

Of course, he had.

He's always one step ahead, isn't he?

Yeah, literally, he is playing

nine-dimensional chess.

And the rest of us are playing tiddlywigs.

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Tom has a nice review on iTunes.

What did you do yesterday has rapidly become my favorite podcast?

Where else on the internet can you listen to a podcast where the hosts are either determined to unmask a celebrity masturbating or will offer listeners free washers?

That's before you even mentioned the cheese quiz.

Please never stop.

Everything is showbiz.

PS David, if you've got a five-millimeter outside diameter, three millimeter inside diameter washer, I'll put a check in the post.

He said

now that said, Max, in our last episode of Midweek Mayhem, this one effectively, where you were described as, is it generic, generic man 3?

Is that

default man?

Default man 3.

You were the default man in a computer game where you just accept the first available character.

I do believe I overstepped the mundanity quotant, you know, for

us with my discussion of trying to find gutter brackets.

I think

even our dullest listener may have hit the plus 15 second button there.

Has there been a moment where you have forward wound because the subject matter was

so boring?

You have come to this podcast, presumably because you appreciate mundanity and the banal in life.

But has there been a moment where you've gone, even I can't, even I can't get to gutter the different gutter brackets available on Akil Island off the west coast.

It makes me want to get even more, you know.

What is as I remember saying, you know, when that Eric in Belfast texted me on Talksport many years ago to say, I don't know who you are, mate, but you've got the personality of a breeze block.

And we did a phone in on the worst inanimate object to be compared to.

But, you know, a washer is pretty, pretty down there, isn't it?

Everything is showbiz, says this review.

Thanks, Max and DOD.

Sounds like lockdown never ended.

Today I heard Edinburgh.

That's my favorite bin place.

Like, do people find podcasts from reading reviews?

Because

I don't know if I'd instantly jump to this podcast if I read a review that was saying literally the moment that they could actually remember from this whole year's worth of broadcasting was where our favorite dustbins are.

But, you know, many thanks anyway for the five stars.

Turdloo says, I told my friend to listen to background noise.

That was the headline of the review.

One of my favorite podcasts, not running or cooking tier, but perfect for background fodder.

Not in the running or cooking tier of podcasts.

How dare you?

Perfect background fodder to distract you from the sadness of life.

Like a warm glass of milk, beautifully satisfying, yet slightly boring, but in the best way.

I would like that listener to listen back to last week's gutter segment and write another review.

Anyway, it's your day, isn't it?

Yeah, Yeah,

okay, this is exciting, isn't it?

So can we start at the beginning?

I was pleased because I think nothing happened to me yesterday apart from I was on hold for 45 minutes to HSBC and it was driving me completely fucking mad.

You know, and the man kept saying, okay, that's all good.

I just need to check a few details.

And the hold music was a bit tinny and it was so bad.

And I couldn't, all I wanted was a new debit card sent to me.

I just couldn't understand what he's got the address.

Like, I've done all the passwords.

I've done all the security.

I've got through everything.

Surely it's just, yes, I can.

Yeah.

That's what I wanted.

I wanted yes, I can.

And I didn't get that.

I needed, I need to check some more details.

As I was talking to him, like Telstra were messaging me going, you've got five minutes left of your United Kingdom allowance.

I was like, oh, fuck.

In a minute, he's going to be saying, is there anything else I'm going to help with?

And I'm like, I've just got to, I don't want to be rude, but I need to hang up straight away because I don't want to over.

I go over that allowance.

It'll be like a million dollars for every second or something.

Yeah.

and excuse me, it's the second card I've ordered because the first one hasn't arrived.

So, like, my direct debits, like my

direct debits are being cancelled because I haven't got that card.

Do you know what I mean?

And then I have to, like, oh, I kind of wish it had been your day, to be honest.

I think we could have got a good 25 minutes out of that

with HSBC.

All I ever, because we don't have HSBC in Ireland, but I was at the fringe one year, and Jensen Button was the ex-Formula One driver.

Was there,

there was a cardboard cutout of him in the sort of student bank that was a venue because everywhere is a venue during the Emperor Fringe.

And he'd made the dreadful error.

Well, obviously, in return for lots and lots of money, he was just holding a blank piece of card that obviously HSBC could stick whatever today's offer onto.

And someone had just written with a black pen, do one.

And I just love that.

I just love love that that's the the marketing slogan of hsbc thanks jensen

yesterday yeah we begin 7 30.

i've had something of a up and downy night because i pranged my back not so much in the alex horn football match but the following day i met uh nish kumar yeah and jermaine clement from flight of the concords and we walked around London for hours.

We can't go into that.

Did you book Jermaine Clement for the podcast?

Absolutely not.

I just, some people, it's just not his, I don't think he, I'd say he knows what a podcast is.

He's one of those guys, but he just, he operates in a different, you know, spectrum.

And I love it.

Did I tell you about the

there was three hours where me and the next girlfriend were stuck on a train outside Stevenage, opposite Flight of the Concords, before they were anybody.

And they were just two dudes, you know, two hairy dudes with guitars.

We didn't say anything.

We're all just, we were just talking about, you know, we were just sitting in silence.

And then I saw them on Advert for, you know, was it phones for you or something like that?

Oh, yeah, mobile phone.

They're the guys that were sat opposite us for three hours outside Stevenage.

And I should have said,

in about

two decades,

I'll be doing a podcast with someone called David O'Doherty.

I don't know if you knew them then, probably not.

He's not going to ask you to do the podcast, but could you, when you're walking around London with him and Nish Kumar, who has done the podcast, even though you don't know who Nish Kumar is, and I don't know who Nish Kumar is, could you do it?

But you didn't ask him.

Okay, you're just going to have to live with that regret.

So I'll say, Jermaine, I do a podcast with this guy.

Now, just before the phones for you ad came out in 2002, remember you were on a train in Stevenage and he'll be like, Oh, yeah, there was a guy and his girlfriend.

It didn't look like it was going to last that one, but they were sitting opposite us for hours.

Yeah.

Didn't he say, What are you up to at the moment?

What are you up to these days?

Look, I'm a human boy, not just this wooden puppet you have made, Geppetto.

I have ranges of emotions.

I have friends that exist in different realms.

I'm not just the booker for what did you do yesterday.

But

how does someone like James Acaster feel in that you are prepared to risk, you know, asking him?

James Acaster is on one of Britain's most popular podcasts.

So you're definitely confidently sure he knows what podcasts are.

There's a cockroach above my head.

What?

Yeah.

What size?

Actually, I would say like a fun-size one.

It's not one of those big oaths.

I feel okay.

If it drops on me, I'll be perturbed.

But anyway, I apologize for treating you as just a piece of meat.

With a diary.

Yeah.

So I've hurt my back.

So

I got back late the night before.

Yeah.

I've slept fine, but every time I turn over.

to blast out some late night farts.

There we go.

Yeah, it's a sort of a mid-back.

It's nearly better.

Helen Copter obviously suggested that I go and see someone about it, but by the time you'd make the appointment, it would be almost completely better.

Right.

And you would end up just having a little chat.

I'm with Helen.

Like on this score, I'm like, Jamie, you know, it's sort of bleeding out of her eyes.

And she's like, I think it'll be fine.

And I'm like, I literally go to the toilet and think, I should probably get that.

I probably should go to the doctor again.

That's bananas that that you then play for a football team where in your own words, one hip is bone on bone.

And yet that's absolutely fine.

Yet if you have a slightly scratchy ear or you're like, oh, I better go to the specialist.

Yeah, well, I've got a spot on my head.

And I think, is that a spot?

Or is that what is that?

Anyway, do carry on.

We're doing this for life, however long or short we have.

Wow, that's a bleak extra little caveat that's recently been

put on to it.

Are you worried that the cockroach that's listening to us might be from a rival podcast and is carrying a little bit of kind of KGB recordings equipment?

Who do you think?

Who are our rivals in this?

I mean, it's Nappet, isn't it?

Do you think that is just Nappet has sent us a cockroach to listen in?

I mean, you could just listen to the episode.

Like, it's not, there's not a massive difference, is there?

It's only if you, this cockroach can only hear half the episode.

He can't hear your bits because I've got headphones on.

he might just say could you just just take your air pods out man maybe i should share the air he's not a big enough cockroach i could share the airpod in many ways that would dwarf him and i don't know if cockroaches have ears but you know jess snappett's perfect day the big rival to max and david's what did you do yesterday why not listen to it this week folks where the special guest is david o'daherty oh good good you got it on the inside you're trying to wreck it from within yeah exactly kicking down the foundations when she wasn't looking.

That's what I tried to do, Mex.

Okay, so the back's sore, but you're up.

The night before,

I had made my first ever overnight oats.

I'd never done this before.

So

it's time to surprise the Helencopter with overnight oats.

Top aware of slop.

Here we go.

Yeah, it's not the most aesthetically pleasing surprise, is it?

I have

over-sugared the pudding, basically.

What

has evolved during the night is sweeter than the sweetest sweet you had when you were a child that was subsequently banned by the EU.

Overnight chupper chups is what we've got.

It is so delicious.

Oh my goodness.

And we both get up, a coffee and some sweet overnight oats ready to punch a wall.

Let's go.

Okay.

So she goes off to work.

I have an immediate job, which is I have to post my jersey from the Alex Horn football game.

I have a friend who's a Holly, who listens sometimes, who's a Taskmaster obsessive.

And the shirt says Taskmaster on the front of it.

Okay.

I do wash it.

It's not, I'm not sending her that sweet DNA that I've built up from.

Of course, of course.

Especially because I scored.

Don't want to clone you, do you?

It's happened so many times.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Since this podcast became huge, all sorts of people want David O'Doherty on their podcast.

And the thing is, right, there are millions of clones of me because he just looks like default man 3 and you don't realize.

You are like, do you know saplings?

You know, when you want to create a new basil plant, you just cut off a bit of the basil and shove it in the ground.

That's basically you.

If you cut off just one bit of your hair and leave it in a cupboard for a week, there's a new Max just sitting in the cupboard slapping on about crew Alexandra's lack of defense or whatever.

We post.

We get back to the house.

Now, I put up on...

Instagram.

I've decided I'm going to do one of my top secret work in progress tryout shows later in the evening.

I'm going to do it at 6.30.

And the trick I have for this is I just put it up for an hour maybe.

Sometimes I'll put it on the various different social media formats.

And when about 30 or 40 people say they'll come, I just take it down.

And so the day will be building up to this gig at 6.30.

But I could spend the whole day working on that show.

Do you spend the hour just waiting for the yeses and like noting them down?

Or do you get on with other stuff and then just check it in an hour to see?

Great question.

I phrase the post such that it looks like there is a list.

So it'll be like to get on the list or to get two tickets on the list.

Whereas the entire list is fake.

It's just made up.

So the key here is to never let anyone know.

Yes.

That is a secret I will take to my grave.

There is no list.

I won't tell tell a soul.

It's your secret site with me.

So what I do is I just leave it up for, I might look at it two or three times

over the course of the, sometimes it takes a few hours.

To be honest, I don't understand how these algorithms work.

So sometimes you get 30 people in 10 minutes.

And other times it takes three hours to get 20.

But that's all we need because we are at a very early point of my next opus.

So these are super fans.

They're just happy with anything.

You could serve them any odd trout.

Oh my goodness.

The thinking being, I put it on at 6.30.

It's free in.

It's in basically a sitting room over a pub.

There's no mic.

There's no nothing.

The expectations could not be lower.

Like, I don't want you to plan your evening around this gig.

That's why I put it on.

Play Siga Ross as you come on stage.

Really awkwardly.

At the end of the gig, because it's just basically in a large sitting room, I finish the last song and I say thank you.

And they clap.

And then I just continue to sit there.

And they just have to leave.

Just do Wordle.

Get your laptop out.

That's a really nice way to finish, actually.

The key, however,

some of the jazz musicians, you don't practice on the day of a gig.

So you go in completely fresh, full of ideas.

Bick Speiderbeck was one of them, wasn't he?

Beiderbeck famously.

Never.

Wow.

More of your...

What an obscure jazz figure to be your first jazz musician that it was

one of the heartbeat of trad jazz in that day.

So true.

Bick Spiderbeck.

Wow.

Yep.

Just like Bic Spiderbeck.

However, I don't adhere to the Bick Spiderbeck rule, but I need to do some other stuff.

So I decided I'll put summer tires onto Stephen Roach's bike from the 1987 Tour de France.

I've got a 30 mil, they're quite wide, but the pros are riding the wider tire.

As we've probably discussed before, the science around tires has changed.

And you used to get the narrowest possible tire and pump it up as hard as you could.

Now they've figured out that you actually, there's greater energy, the tire maintains its shape if it's a slightly larger tire okay

loads of the science of cycling that i grew up with was completely wrong like the food they ate was they would have steak for breakfast and stuff that is just a really bad idea so i changed the tires it's it makes you it does make you breathe out of your ass though if you have a steak for breakfast on when you cycle a lot

Such are my farts.

I don't even have to bring a pump anymore.

If I lose pressure, I just lower slowly onto the valve.

You need the right connection, though, because that little one doesn't, you have to get a special one, don't you?

Oh my goodness.

Okay,

we fix the bike,

we start,

we do the first bit of

show, which is this is very boring stuff.

Now, it's lunch for lunchtime.

Helen really likes complicated recipes by Otto Lengi.

He's the dawn of 35 ingredients.

And I've made enough of these at this point where I figure I think it's ready just to kind of like Big Spider Beck

to

take the knowledge I have.

And then just not use a recipe and just chuck a load of stuff into the pan.

How many ingredients are you using?

Loads.

So there's a bunch of veg on the turn

because me and Helen were both away for the weekend.

There's three packs of green beans.

So green beans will be the basis of this.

I learned recently that the secret to make anything delicious is cream and sugar.

Oyster sauce.

Okay.

So, oh, yeah, I feel I should put in at this point the mushrooms.

Last week, Helen made a mushroom lasagna.

Wow.

And was it's one of the most delicious things that I have ever tasted.

Now, it does raise a question that Helen didn't enjoy hearing, which is if you just put socks in lasagna, would it be delicious?

Because there was like three different sorts of cheese in there, you know, all of that crispy baked lasagna goodness.

it's a good question.

I think maybe the socks is the line.

Maybe your little creepy, low-ankle socks, those ones,

they're the line.

Sort of bite-size, you're right.

Yeah, yeah.

The reason I mention this is most of the messages I get on the Blue Sky app are from Mushroom Spritzbot.

Three times a day continues to remind me to spritz my mushrooms.

It'll be sad to see the back of it, but just

whoever is mushrooms spritz bot, you can...

I mean, turn off the bot does sound a little bit sad, doesn't it?

Maybe, maybe the bot can just go just find another home.

There must be someone else growing it.

Is yeah, someone get in touch if you're growing a mushroom out of like a bag of shit in your cupboard.

And then we can fix you up with the spritz bot and everyone's happy.

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What I'm saying is, turns out recipes are a load of bullshit.

You don't need them.

Once you reach the raw dog point of just throwing things into the the pan and then you add in a couple of delicious ingredients, a bit of garlic, etc., some oyster sauce.

It's just this delicious.

So, yeah, Helencopter's gone off to work today with the rest of it.

So, we'll get, to be honest, we'll get the true review when she has it.

But I thought, maybe because I'm just so happy to have made something slightly odd, I think, yes, this is great.

Uh, lovely.

We have digested our lunch.

Notice we didn't have a coffee coffee with our lunch.

Do you normally have a coffee with lunch?

I'd normally have one after lunch, certainly.

I've decided I'm drinking too much coffee at the moment.

Okay.

How many you want to?

I'm two a day, and that would where I'd draw the line.

It's hard to know, Max, because at least your annoying coffees are three quarters.

We know the size.

We won't go into it.

Whereas I have a tendency just to make a large French press of

turbo coffee yeah sometimes during this podcast I'll just have a big mug of increasingly cold coffee beside me and gluggers I find after the first cup of a French press the second one is it sort of becomes like crude oil and then I'm then I've got it and I'm like I like it but I know I it's just all it's even as I'm it's entering my mouth I'm getting a headache and leaving the toilet and thinking this I don't know

and then what we need to add to that because I am writing at the moment, one of my distractions is I go up to the shop at the top of the road and I get a

bizarre can of Pepsi Max cherry once a day as well.

So that's another

coffee.

I know, I know.

So we're eliminating all of this.

Okay.

How exciting.

I found my sleep has been a little bit jumpy sometimes.

And I think this could could be the reason for it.

I'll report back in a couple of weeks.

I'm still drinking coffee.

I'm just not having, I would say, six of your little macchiatos or whatever.

Noted.

Noted.

Yeah.

Macciatos, as I call them.

We go for a cycle then.

You gotta get out.

If you're doing a gig in the evening, because it just sort of builds up.

pointless adrenaline.

I feel earlier in the day, if you've burned a little bit of something, that's a good idea.

I cycle to my favorite place up to the phoenix park and intriguingly my life double cycles past me did i ever did i ever tell you about the time that i was in the phoenix park and on my beautiful obscure cyclocross bike and this guy comes towards me on basically the same bike

okay i'm looking just like you you have been cloned holly did this

he didn't wash the sweat off.

He's a little younger than me.

His name is David.

I mean, come on.

Yeah, we both know.

I haven't actually said to him we're the same person, but he goes for a ride every evening around this big park that I go for a ride around.

And now, when I see he's doing an impromptu gig downstairs,

he does a podcast with Deepa Man 3

If he listens to this, wow.

Because I don't,

we're never in any contact other than meeting him a couple of times in the park and then saying hi to him a load of times.

His name is David.

He rides a red Richie cyclocross bike from the mid-90s with modern Italian components.

I won't.

go on anymore.

Oh, please tell us about the components

and the thing that is most similar to a gutter bracket while you're at it.

Okay.

Okay.

We've met our doppelganger.

It's exciting.

So the gig is at 6.30, which is early, to be honest.

But as I say, I don't want it to be anyone's night out.

So I just sneak it in there.

And boy, is it good that I snuck it in there yesterday?

Because a crowd of 35 people watch me.

Flounder is the wrong word.

Tango, you just cycle.

Is there anything between the cycle and

the gig I'm looking forward to hearing?

I do a little more work on it.

And I have a sort of smugness.

I think the mind needs to tell the comic

confidence, we really got something here.

We've written some cool new bits.

Boy, is this going to be a fun one.

And I stroll up.

And usually there's something slightly transcendent about these gigs,

as it's just in a sitting room.

The expectations are at the start.

I always say you get what you pay for, and you guys will be paying nothing, so it only has to be as good as nothing.

And everyone's like, Wow, that was really surprisingly good.

This one never rises.

I'm happy in a way that I just stuck to my guns.

There were the funniest moments for me:

I had the lyrics of some new songs on a music stand in front of me.

And

because my eyesight's going, but I refuse to get glasses because that would be admitting that I'm getting older.

So

I just move closer to the page.

And in doing so, like an old lady driving.

This is really good.

I activate whatever the pain in my back is from the football.

So

the low point of the gig is

people aren't laughing at this song.

And then I lean in to read the next not funny line and go, ah,

like that.

Did they laugh at that?

Yeah.

At any point in the gig, did you, and it when it was, it was really flat and you thought,

maybe I've got to go there.

Did you just stop and go,

but join

anyone?

Anyone?

I tell you what.

Just keep it up.

Just listen, keep it in your back pocket.

I did the fart walk across the the stage.

That went down even worse.

That would go down really well.

I think it would go really well.

If you just sat there, just said, listen, it's all science.

I've heard it's good for you.

So I'm not going to keep anything in on this gig.

I'm going to be joining and guff my way through this.

Okay.

It's fine.

The gig.

These ones.

I know we talk about comedy too much in this podcast, but when you start doing a new show, there's an excitement that comes with doing it.

That even if the jokes aren't terribly funny, it's like, this is all new.

Isn't this great?

Whereas, this, we're a month into this process now, so it's lost that initial sort of puppy joy.

And it was just a not great gig yesterday.

And then to make it worse, I've said, I'll meet the helicopter in the bar downstairs after the gig.

And are people like looking at you apologetically, going, Maybe he's, maybe it's run its course.

It's like, that is that, what's the look you're getting?

That is such harsh.

Like, maybe my whole career has just,

well, there's no, there's nothing left in the tag.

Maybe, David, I'm just thinking, maybe you're 49, you're playing a little children's keyboard you got for your confirmation.

Maybe it's time to draw a line under that.

Just get some glasses and be a professional podcaster.

That's, you know, people.

People are very nice about it.

Some of them don't share.

I mean, there is a certain intrigue in seeing what is obviously a work in progress because there's lots of bits of paper, and I'm asking people why things aren't funny, and they're saying things like, because it's just not funny.

That's fine.

And

I finish it with an old song.

So everyone sort of goes off being like, oh, well, yeah, it was short as well.

Whereas the previous ones have been like over an hour.

This one's 45 minutes.

But I figure it's fine.

Let's just get out of here.

I go downstairs.

People are way too positive.

And you always know they don't really mean it because they begin with a, no, I thought it was good.

Yeah.

Like,

I've said nothing.

Just no.

And then they just throw up.

That's what I'm saying.

I thought it was great.

Helicopter arrives.

We have one pint there.

She also refuses to believe that it was as bad as I think it was.

And, you know, it's the nice thing is I have another gig tonight.

So we're straight back on the horse.

And I will work really hard on it today using the motivation of it having been a flat so pancake.

So

yesterday.

Great.

This is all part of the process.

I've done it 20 fucking times before.

We go to the taco place next door.

to unshow great great and uh i insist that we order too much How many tacos?

I mean, because they say,

I mean, how many do you need, do you think, David?

Well,

I

it's not, it's the tacos themselves, but then we also, I order a quesadilla and then do the cheeky thing where at the end of Helen having ordered the correct amount, I go, and the nachos with dips as well, please.

So

that's all the things.

We've pushed it into the realm of slightly too much now.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I've had a pretty healthy day with the veggie thing that I made for lunch.

So, and also, I don't know if you can't, you just can't use tacos as a means of escapism like this.

But we eat too many tacos.

Tacos, two arrive on a plate, and so we order three.

So, that's six.

six little tacos.

One pork, one beef, one chicken.

One fish, one cauliflower.

Interestingly, the initial order is one fish, one cauliflower, one chicken.

And the guy says, The chicken tastes the same as the cauliflower.

Get one of the others.

So, yep, they've managed to figure out how to make cauliflower the exact same as chicken.

So, that's positive.

We don't get churros at the end.

We have one margarita, and we return home to watch the documentary about the guy who was the boss of Renault and Renault and Nissan Cars,

who

ended up running both companies into the ground and then escaping from a Japanese prison in a like cello double bass case or something, and now lives openly in Lebanon.

It was lucky that he had a really long neck and then wide

and then like a concave bit, his hips really went out.

And he could also, he could make the sound

and then he would kick the box.

For years he was practicing it.

Yeah, he nicked loads of money from those companies.

It's very, because it's not that long ago.

You would think this would all be difficult to do in the modern world.

And then because there's no extradition between

Beirut, I think he's in Beirut or Lebanon and other countries.

Yeah, he's just there living a great life.

Carlos Gone, I think it's the name.

It's on Netflix.

It's,

I maybe,

it's the first half of it is literally just about the man who runs car companies.

And it's quite boring.

Yeah.

It takes a yeah, it takes a dramatic twist there.

That's good.

So we're lying on the couch, but because my back is sore, I'm lying.

It's an interesting position we've taken up because Helen is lying with her head on one armrest.

Yeah.

And now normally with our, we should get a wider couch, but normally if you, if the two of us lie beside each other, I have to lie perpendicular to her.

Do you know what I mean?

Forming a perfect right angle where I lie entirely on one shoulder, making this arm go asleep, and she lies like a sardine across from that.

Whereas we both need to lie on our backs.

So, adorably, we've taken up this position where she lies with her head at one end and her legs slightly off.

I lie with my head at about her waist, with my leg, my back flat on the couch, and then my legs off the end of it.

Oh, that's it.

And I'm holding her legs on like we're on a on a raft having escaped a shipwreck, or like, uh, or yes, or like you're sort of sort of a train in Mission Impossible that's falling down the mountain, so you're just sort of there holding on to each other, and she's holding on to like a metal bar, and you're swinging, and then one of you'll climb up her, and then you'll lift her to safety.

Yes, I'm not being dramatic about the back, but when it's still sore in certain positions, like when she moves her foot, I go,

I'm really annoying.

we go to bed yeah so the spritz bot tells us to spritz the it's a little bit sad to be honest because we've definitely i've built up a relationship with these mushrooms so they're still going i thought they'd be all i thought that mushroom

would have been them done no they're gone and so but i've i've left the tray that they were sitting on there

So you can spritz an empty tray now.

Just like a dog's bed that's sitting there.

And I'm like, it's time to go to bed, Florence.

Oh, you know, after Florence has passed away.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

So sad.

Yeah.

Spritzing air would be very sad.

Well, it's particularly sad because the Spritz bot just marches on relentlessly.

Spritzbot's just like, dog not dead.

Continue to talk to dog.

Can't face it.

Spritzbot can't face it.

You know.

Spritz say that Spritzbots don't, they don't talk about their feelings enough.

They bottle them up.

And this is a classic case of that.

Spritzbot somehow saw adolescence and was like, oh my goodness, we need to have a look at ourselves as a society of bots.

And so we go to bed.

I lose interest halfway through a crossword, which is a sure sign that it's time.

It's time to sleep.

Yeah.

And then I attempt to go to sleep like a sort of in a board type straight down shape so that my back will feel better today.

Utterly fail at that.

But that's today and that's not relevant.

It's another story.

Well, good day.

Good day?

No.

If the focus of the day is the gig, it's a terrible day.

That's why you can't make your gig the focus of the day.

And so you look at the other positives around it.

Got to spend time with the, I mean, when you're a younger man, Max, in your 20s, all I had was comedy.

No, that's that's making it sound too dramatic, like some a blues musician would say about the blues.

But yeah, 2003 was the year where it was my third Edinburgh fringe, and I had no ideas and nothing to say, and almost had some sort of a breakdown that summer just because you're like, What is funny?

Is there, you're looking around, there's there's a table lamp, there's a mosquito, it would do

the

cockroach.

And

yeah, so, whereas the correct thing to do is to have a little more balance in your life,

trust the process that these ideas will just come.

And that's why it's nice to have the helencopter there.

And it's nice to have the Spritz bot and all of the other elements that make my life.

It's nice to have you, Max, and Mara's barr.

And it's nice to have a continual tone of all your farts put together because

if you don't really get anything by Edinburgh, if you just play that and you say, that's it, that's all my work, that's every single bit of my work, it will go down a storm.

There is no doubt.

There's no doubt.

I believe.

Hey, if you'd like to get in touch with this podcast, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

follow us on instagram at yesterday pod and please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't

hey thanks david let's do it again maybe at the weekend with a guest the awful thing about yeah thinking about all of the farts i've ever done and how long that would take.

I mean,

I mean, this was a conversation I once had with a friend of mine, but its partner in thought is:

would all of the come I've ever come fill a bath?

I know this is the end of the podcast.

I shouldn't have just thrown that in.

Hopefully, many of the listeners stopped listening after the, if you'd like to get in touch.

But if there is.

And the other question is, and how would you lower yourself into that, David?

I would, with trepidation, I must say,

I enjoy your company but I might skip bath time if that's what was on offer

oh that is an awful ending I'm sorry Max but let's let's do it again soon yeah okay bye

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

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Thank you, goodbye.