S2 EP19: Adam Buxton

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us we're here to ask the only question that matters we'll try and say it at the same time max what did you do yesterday what did you do yesterday what did you do yesterday that's it all we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday nothing more day before yesterday max nope the greatest and most interesting day of your life unless it was yesterday we don't want to know about it i'm max rushton and i'm david o'daherty welcome to what did you do yesterday

Hello, and welcome to whatever episode this is of What Did You Do Yesterday.

David and I are walking slowly through the fields of Norfolk recording this intro bitch.

Hello, listeners.

I would like to disassociate myself from that little riff by Max right there.

It is a delight, however, to have on our podcast today.

It's impossible to be doing this and not to be influenced by what Adam's been doing over the last 10 years with his,

well, his, I guess, ramble chat is the song, and that's kind of what he does.

What a laugh to have him here.

Do we need to introduce Adam Buxton?

People who listen to podcasts probably are aware of Adam Buxton.

He's got enough listeners.

We don't need to point them in that direction.

Remember the Milkman in Tennessee?

He might never.

That's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam Buxton came to the small screens of Britain in his early 20s with Adam and Joe show with Joe Cornish and then started making his own stuff and putting it online in the era of YouTube parties.

Do you remember where people would just play interesting YouTube clips after each other?

Adam Buxton, I think, would have had like five of my top ten of all time.

And then at some point along the way,

he's done bits of acting and podcasting.

His podcast is, I think it's the essential, with the exception of this one, the essential

podcast of our essential podcast.

If you're interested in what happened before yesterday, I don't know who is, but if you are, it is probably a good one to listen to.

He's also got his second book out.

His best-selling book, Ramble Book, is his first one, which my wife Jamie loves.

And he's now written his second one, I Love You Buy,

where he, and I've got the blurb here, explores the joys of comedy.

The book is cut through with many of his hilarious trademark asides.

It is also, David, remarkably tender and thoughtful.

It is a memoir about growing up, growing old, figuring it all out.

And Adam discusses the difficulties of navigating adulthood, losing loved ones, and working out how to be a parent.

So go and buy it.

And it will be out in an audiobook.

We know that

for a certainty.

but we've just finished recording and it was a total pleasure to have him on

this is what adam buxton did yesterday

adam buxton welcome to what did you do yesterday thank you so much for having me it's a pleasure to be here now let me explain how this works adam we

ask you questions about what you did yesterday.

What?

Yeah.

No more, no less.

We're going to start at the start and go right through to you shut your peepers at night.

I thought this was all about the manosphere.

That's what I was told.

See, the thing is, Adam, I'm a big admirer of your podcast, but I have noticed that occasionally you stray beyond the previous 24 hours.

Sometimes you don't even touch on it at all with some of your guests.

I thought that's quite an interesting approach to podcasting.

Yeah, that's true.

Actually, sometimes I will record an episode.

I mean, well, David knows this.

We've recorded together.

I still haven't put out the episode that you and I recorded, not because it wasn't superb audio joy, but because I'm so chronically badly organized and just record in such an ad hoc

way.

Episodes sometimes get released about two or sometimes three years after they're recorded.

How do you feel about this, David?

Many of my references will be somewhat out of date.

Just where I was lauding Megan Trainer's all about the bass as the song of the song.

It's never going to be out of date.

Well, do you, David?

Do you want us to not release the Adam episode until Adam releases the you episode?

That's a good idea, I think.

We could put the pressure on each week.

Refresh podcasts.

Oh, Richard Iwadi.

Damn, David Letterman.

Damn it.

It's not David O'Doherty.

What's going on?

Adam, what time did you wake up yesterday?

I woke up at 7.30, I think.

Was that with the aid of an alarm or just did nature tap you on the shoulder?

No, that seems to be around about when my body clock wants me to wake up.

It's normally when things start happening in Castle Buckles.

Yesterday, I was not at home.

Normally I would be in my beautiful bed with my beautiful wife in my beautiful house in Norfolk.

But yesterday I was in London doing some business.

I'm recording an audio book at the moment, my second memoir, because the world needs two memoirs from me.

And I am in the process of recording that in a studio in London.

So I woke up at 7.30.

That seems to be a good time to wake up, I think.

Also, I did have a doctor's appointment at

9.15 across town.

So I wanted to get up in time, make myself a great healthy breakfast, read all the newspapers, then cycle across town to my doctor's appointment.

Are you in a swanky hotel?

Are you in a pier-de-terre London flat?

What are we finding you in here, Adam?

I'm staying in a rented flat.

Describe the room that you wake up in, please.

It is

white.

It's got cupboards all along one wall.

The bed is pretty comfortable

and it's small.

And I keep the small shower room slash toilet very clean, almost obsessively clean after I've had a shower because my hair is in the process of falling out.

That's why I wear hats.

Oh yeah.

Soon I'm going to be bald.

And so it's fine.

Adam, that's fine.

It's fine.

I'm totally fine.

It doesn't change your brand in any way.

Because luckily, I was always a hat guy anyway.

Same.

It's lucky.

Anyway, so I like to go around and tidy up all the lost hairs after a shower.

And sometimes I'll go round, I'll get a wad of toilet paper and I'll sort of mop up all the wet areas because it's only a small space.

So I can, if I want to, be totally obsessive and just clean every inch of the

shower space with toilet paper and mop up every single stray pube and cowardly hair that's deserted my head and every bit of dust and lint and stuff

and then i just think oh i've nailed it i've smashed it i've cleaned this toilet and shower room in a really non-crazy way yeah you give the impression of the sort of you know a post haircut looking at the floor someone gets out like a proper dustpan and brush approach to the amount of hair falling out did and did this happen yesterday because otherwise we can't No, it didn't suddenly start yesterday.

It's been my cowardly hair has been deserting me gradually now for about five years, I think.

But it stepped up operations recently.

It's just thought, actually,

sorry, but we've got to go.

I once had a breakup and my friend Louise came over and she was very much operating.

You know, those people who clean up after a murder.

She looked at me in that kind of a way and put good food.

I was in the sad period where you go around in just a dressing gown without doing up the belt.

That sort of period.

Listening to the killers.

The killers.

And she

did a wonderful thing.

She said she pulled what she referred to as a pube ponytail out of the plughole,

which was a solid foot and a half of my ex

because she had long hair

and

she showed it to me and she put it in the bin and she said it's done now.

Now you're officially broken up.

Oh, hardcore.

And then she left and then you got it out of the bin.

And then you went to your scientist friend's house and you recreated her.

And at first you thought that it was a perfect copy and even maybe a bit nicer than the previous one because some of the DNA had merged with your own.

So she was a lot more sympathetic.

But then dead bodies started turning up.

I mean, there's a real risk of contamination with a spider, isn't there?

Yeah,

a spider, all sorts of other things as well, like the

bits of skin from previous shower occupants.

Of course, that is a good film.

And we could get, who could we get out of retirement to play that in the same way that Demi Moore was so brilliant in the what was it called?

The substance?

Oh, so I'm pitching this midway between Jurassic Park and Weird Science.

Yeah.

Like there is a gap in there where it looks like this beautiful perfection, but with, as we've spoken about, six legs and

a few elements that are just, this isn't how I remember her exactly.

Webbs, firing webs.

Kelly Brooke.

How about that?

I think Kelly Brooke.

It's Kelly Brooke or it's Anne Charleston who played.

Madge Bishop.

Yeah.

That is one of the two.

Or Donna Eyre.

or donna air is is good also good but it is well known that you can't get closure from an ex until you have taken every pube out from underneath the plug hole what did you call it the ponytail

the pube ponytail of sadness the plug ponytail that is a great because my wife is um

she's got long hair and yeah there's a lot of ponytail action going down they're sort of like stalak mites aren't they yeah or stalactites the ones that hang down are stalactites i think aren't they Yes.

Yes, it's the hairy stalactite under the plughole, and withdrawing that with all the special gel that accumulates on it is really one of life's great pleasures.

Mr.

Propper has a product which you pour down the plug hole, and it's some dreadful acid

that destroys everything in its path.

You leave it there for 15 minutes and like pour a kettle down afterwards.

But on the front of the packet, it says, destroys the worst clogs,

which I always think has a sort of Dutch connotation.

The really embarrassing big clogs.

You know, destroy them.

Only the worst clogs.

You know, the good ones are big ones.

Or the ones that you've painted yourself.

We've digressed a little.

So 7:30.

Then what happens, Adam?

Then it is time for a relatively healthy breakfast.

I've tried to overhaul my breakfasts this year in an attempt to tackle some gut issues that make my life a windy hell.

Oh, yeah.

I have those.

Right.

But it prevents me from sleeping properly.

That's the main thing.

Like

farting, wandering around as a kind of musical trumpeter man is not a problem.

In fact, fine.

But then it got to the point where I was waking up like three times a night, feeling that I had to pee.

Sorry, this is too much info.

No, no, this is exactly what we want.

But actually, what I needed needed to do was do a long whiny fart.

I thought this is not manageable.

So I've tried to eat differently, and it has helped, actually.

So yesterday I had,

what did I have?

Spinach.

I had some sauteed spinach.

When does frying become sauteing and vice versa?

I think when it's spinach, I think.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

Anyway, so I sauteed the hell out of some spinach with some garlic and a few cherry tomatoes, yum.

And then I got on my Brompton, like the the member of the Metropolitan Elite that I am.

And I listened to something as well.

Now, I know that's a controversial thing.

Some people get angry when you say you listen to things on your bike because they're like, well, then you're irresponsible and you deserve to die.

But my defense is that I don't deserve to die.

And not for that anyway.

But, you know, I don't listen so loudly that I can't hear people angrily shouting at me and hooting at me in the street are you listening to obvious question here a recording of your greatest fart melodies

that you then turn into hits i guess what i'm thinking of here is i mean this is the third movie i've pitched so far in this but it's like that richard curtis yesterday film except instead of the beatles never having existed you start honking these incredible hits like every single one and people want need more hits so you then have to disimprove your gut health to blast out more

yes it's like that actually it's not far from that because what i'm listening to is the 4t

playlist so are you familiar with 4t yeah electronic artist and dj remixer whatever he is producer all-round musical whiz bot and i'm trying to listen to more music that's another change positive change i'm trying to bring into my life to you know dilute the non-stop Trump derangement podcast diet that I would otherwise have so reacate myself with the beautiful health-giving joys of music and the Fortette playlist I think he's got thousands and thousands of songs on there I'm not sure if he rotates it or if he just adds to it so it's an ever-expanding thing but it's you know thousands of hours of music on this playlist it is an interesting thing because I,

as someone doing a podcast, talking to another person who does a podcast, recently I've been trying to not listen to podcasts.

It seems like music did just go by the by there for a few years.

And I think you're right.

It's the terrible news of recent.

For some reason, I feel that I need to stay up to date with it.

Like I'm fucking Zelensky or like Trump is about to announce a tiny keyboard tariff or something.

I need to just stay on top of that.

Very bad genre.

Not funny.

Not funny jokes.

Jokes about nothing really.

Very bad people.

It's sad.

I think it's sad.

Yeah, I like to alternate between, yeah, Serious World and Fern Cotton Sounds of the 90s because I'm just caught in an existential crisis.

So today, and I'm walking my 12-week old around in a pram a lot.

So yeah, I will go from the world's about to die to the boy band playlist of 911 and then into take that and into, and I actually, I find it incredibly sort of

half depressing in that I'm not, it's not the 90s and half like, that was a time.

Yeah.

Play me let loose crazy again and I won't be sad and I don't mind anyone who knows it.

Timeless Classics.

I was yearning for a bit of that kind of music.

I have to confess yesterday when I was listening to the Fortec playlist because it can can be quite crunchy stuff on there.

Like he will sometimes throw you the occasional accessible musical bone by someone you've actually heard of, but more often than not, it's pretty experimental.

And about half the tracks I was listening to, I was just thinking, I want this to end so much.

It was just like one of them was just clattering.

I was thinking, how much clattering can there be?

And

loads was the answer.

Absolutely loads.

And I didn't want to skip it because I didn't want to be narrow-minded.

You know, I was like,

I like this guy.

I'm on board.

I want to expand my musical horizons.

But this is tough.

This is tough.

The piece was called Something Percussion, but it was not percussion in any recognizable sense.

It was literally just...

like children hitting things for about five minutes or something.

Sometimes phone cotton sounds of the 90s will go experimental, like sort of dodgy or maybe the Manic Street Preachers.

But you can discern the music within, I think.

So many people don't remember Top Loader's free jazz album.

It had three double basses on it and a guy playing a trombone who'd never played it before.

And it's forgotten generally.

That's my favorite stuff of those.

Yeah, lives forever.

Okay, so we're cycling to the doctor's.

This is exciting.

We've not had a doctor's appointment yet.

Ass doctor.

The ass doctor is coming.

We're cycling to the doctor.

We're cycling to the doctor.

We're feeling good.

And it was just a checkup, really.

So nothing too bad.

Feeling quite well, actually, since I've tried to improve my eating habits this year.

At the docks, though, she is going to take some blood.

just to check on my cholesterol and things like that, which have been looking a little bit shit.

So she is Polish and so is the assistant nurse.

And I go through after our consultation, we say goodbye, and I go through to the other room to get my blood taken by the nurse.

And then I hear the nurse calling through in Polish to the doctor, saying something I don't understand.

And then the doctor comes back in with a big smile and sort of leans against the wall and just chats to me.

And she says, So, you don't like needles.

Yes, you're not very good with needles.

And I realize that the nurse has called through,

oh, I think this is the guy who's terrified of needles.

You might want to come through and distract him so he doesn't shit himself.

So she's come through to like distract me and she says, you know, let's just have a chat and look at me and don't worry about.

And I'm like, I'm fine with needles.

I'm a manly man.

Look at me.

I may be wearing shorts and being dressed like an eight-year-old boy, but I'm a big man with a beard and I am tough.

And you can inject me where you want and draw blood.

You can stick that needle right in my knob if you want, and I'm going to be fine with it.

Adam, was there not a fear, though, that they were not Polish, but Transylvanian?

And she was calling into the other one and being like, he's got a big, juicy neck.

And they were, in fact, that's the drain that they were circling there.

That is entirely possible.

That hadn't crossed my mind.

They took so much as well.

Like, when they stick that needle,

they would.

I wouldn't complain when vampires bite people.

They took a lot.

They take way too much.

Whoa.

Calm down, greedy.

As soon as they stick the little

vial on the end of the plastic tube, you're just like, whoa, that is filling up fast.

And then they transfer it.

And before you know it, they've got about four or five big test tubes full of your juice.

So do you think this means that

you got mixed up with someone else and there was someone who was absolutely shit scared of needles and they just rammed it in and now he has sort of PTSD.

You think that was?

Yeah.

That's right.

But I didn't mind.

It was nice to be able to talk to my doctor again.

She's a nice person.

And we chatted about because she said she was going to Rome.

I was like, wow, good time to go to Rome.

It's going to be very funeral-ish around there because of the sad departure of the Pope.

And then we chatted about Conclave.

Have you seen Conclave?

Oh, it's good.

Yes, it's worth seeing.

It's exciting.

It's an interesting insight into the world of popes and the stuff they get up to in the Vatican there.

And then we transitioned into chatting about Honora because we were sort of running through all the Oscar movies.

I asked her what she thought of Honora.

But as soon as I started asking, I realized that it's kind of a politically loaded question because that film, your opinion of it, inevitably comes freighted with a lot of political perspectives on sex work and I don't know, lots of other things.

You know what I mean?

But was she going over for Ill Pappy's funeral?

No, she happened to be going there anyway.

Okay, fine.

She just timed it really nicely.

Yeah, because I doubt there will be like post-funeral, a big outdoor screening of Enora that the

mourners can relax with an Oscar-winning film.

Well, they probably, they might because they might have fallen into the same trap that I did, which was to have read some reviews that said, this is a great, uplifting, fun,

what did they call it?

They called it like a Romeo and Juliet sort of pretty woman meets Cinderella, was the review that I read.

And so

I ended up gathering my whole family to watch Anora one evening,

including my 16-year-old daughter and my two sons who are 20 and 22.

So it was not like they were going to be absolutely scandalized by the content, but it was entirely inappropriate for the family evenings viewing.

And my daughter was just like, no thanks.

Bye.

After the first 10-minute topless screwing scene in the club.

Max, I bet you haven't seen.

I haven't been to the cinema.

I mean, I've got two, a three-year-old and a 12-week old.

You know, the cinema is, it's dead to me.

No, actually, I think when we had one, we might occasionally go when they went to Kinder and we'd be like this is un you know when you haven't done something for so long and also like the just the moment before the movie is just it doesn't really matter what it is you know when you're in that stage of your life i don't care what they put on that screen i'm just amazed that someone has a telly this big that's quite close to my house and it'll play something make it an hour and a half give me some pick and mix so yeah i'm i couldn't edit empire magazine at the moment i think it would be a poor selection so we leave the doctors We bid the doctor farewell.

We're on our Brompton.

And you know, I'm just going to go to a voiceover booth and now, for the rest of this podcast, just read

like seven hours of your book.

No, actually, yesterday I wasn't doing audiobook yesterday.

Yesterday I had a load of meetings.

So I had audiobook sessions sandwiched either day around yesterday.

Yesterday it was doc.

Then it was meeting with record company.

Wow.

this is exciting.

It is an unusual day, I have to say, yesterday.

Simon Cowell is there and Louis Wish.

Actually, you know what?

Oh, yeah, no, because I'm recording my audiobook in a studio that is next to Simon Cowell's old office, Psycho.

There's still the Psycho sign outside there.

Anyway, think of all the legends that have...

spitted i think you say spitted fire you don't say spat fire in your tiny booth you know what i mean yes tell me what you want what you really, really want.

I'm going to tell you what, that may have been the place where those tracks were put down.

I know, it's exciting.

And I hope that that spirit runs through my book.

It's very much a manifesto for girl power.

And Chico time, of course.

Yeah.

How long is this ride?

I'm interested in, so you've done quite a big ride across town.

It's not too big.

I mean, the ride across town was about half an hour.

Now I've got another another half-hour ride to the record company offices, but now it is raining.

Are you well prepared?

Quite well prepared.

Yeah, I'm wearing the right clothes.

I mean, the thing is that I'm well dressed for the bike, but I'm badly dressed for any kind of socializing or anything like person to person.

I look like a deliveroo guy, basically.

And so I turn up at the record company and it is in King's Cross, and it is a division of Universal Music.

So it is all cool, great, nice looking people.

And I really look like I've come to deliver something.

Have you zipped on the auxiliary calves to the bottom of your shorts?

You know, the sort of murderer trousers that zip off halfway?

No, I've got full over trousers.

I've got full kind of combat waterproof trousers over the shorts.

So when I get there, I strip those off.

I park the bike around the corner from the entrance.

Yeah, I was thinking that.

So you strip off outside.

You can't walk in dressed like this.

Okay.

No, because even though I've got shorts on underneath the over trousers, there's always a moment of alarm when a middle-aged guy starts unbuttoning his trousers and pulling them down in a topic place.

Everyone's like, oh,

my first and only thought with this meeting is based on an ad, whether it was for Kit Kats from the late 80s, where a punk band go in, and the execs are sitting there, and he says, you can't sing, you can't play, you look awful.

And he snaps the Kit Kat in half and he says, you'll go a long way.

You'll go a long way.

Yeah, I love it.

It was not that dissimilar.

yesterday because

I have somehow got this record contract.

I've had it for about five years, and it was someone, someone who used to be at Six Music who then was a fan of my podcast.

And she became an executive at Decca.

And she got in touch years ago to say, Do you want to make a record?

Like, you know, it could be just like some jingles, but a bit longer.

She thought I was going to be able just to toss off an album in a couple of weeks, get it out for Christmas.

Jobs are good.

But she reckoned without my desire to like make pet sounds too.

And so I went through a long, long period of trying to figure out what kind of album I was going to make and all the collabs I could do and all the favors I could pull in and who I could get to produce it and all this massive overthinking.

Anyway, finally,

I ended up working with a guy called Joe Mount, who is in a band called Metronomy.

He sort of became my producer slash collaborator and he sort of ended up reconstructing a lot of demos that I sent him and we spruced them up together.

But it took us ages and ages because he's a busy guy and he's always on tour.

But every now and again we'd get together and finally we finished a collection of very odd songs.

towards the end of last year.

And I think it's going to come out in September this year.

Oh, wow.

So yesterday we were talking about

how that was going to work, when it was going to come out, what kind of press was I going to do?

Was I going to try and play anything live?

I met with a journalist called Kate Mossman, who totally coincidentally had been on my podcast a few weeks back.

And it turns out she was going to write my biog, the thing they send out to radio stations and things like that when they're trying to plug the record.

And suddenly I was like talking about this record that I'd made.

And she was asking, what do the songs mean?

I I was like, oh shit.

And I said to her at the beginning, you know, it's honestly quite weird for me to be talking about them in terms of actual songs because I don't think of them that way.

I don't think of it as, you know, I'm pleased.

I like it.

I tried my best.

But in my mind, it's not really like the same as music that I would listen to by actual musicians.

And one title I was going to have for the record was Music Adjacent.

But then they said, you don't need to put yourself down too much.

Just call it something normal.

It's going to be called Buckle Up now instead.

Just to get a vibe on it, did you go off into the weeds or is it a six-hour version of Ramble Chat with various rappers doing verses?

No, that's the James Acaster approach.

And I remember when James Acaster released an album last year or the year before, and it was more like what you just described, I think.

So quite dense not a comedy album like a proper experimental art music album and that's what I dreamed of making but that's not what I've made

I mean you have to be careful with that you know the biogue because you know during the soccer aim glory years where we'd interview every indie band just like every single one and my biggest fear is being put in a room with all the people and not being able to leave until i've put them all together in the bands that they're in i don't know who's in editors and who's in the cribs Well, I think they all look like Henry III.

That's possible.

But you'd read the biography, the thing, the meanings of the songs, you're right.

Nobody, they've literally just gone, I mean, they've just invented this.

They've not thought this when they've written the songs.

They've written the songs and gone, we've got to write something about these songs.

So let's just say, use the word hidden depths a lot and unrequited love.

It's difficult.

That blurb.

I once wrote a book with the amazing actor Claudio Daugherty of fake facts about pandas.

We did a few of them, fake facts about different animals.

And our friend's a genius Photoshop, so could make everything look real.

But we'd go on morning radio and stuff to publicize it.

And so often, the DJ wouldn't have read even the first line of the thing.

So they would see a book called 100 Facts About Pandas, despite the fact that there's a picture of a panda working in an office in front of like a boring old Apple computer.

They'd be like, did you spend a long time in China making this?

And

I would just have to be like, no, no.

I know.

I mean, who, it's tough reading those things.

I sympathize with you, Max.

And so it was very odd talking in depth about what all the songs meant.

You know, because they are essentially, well, much of what I was talking about with Kate, who was writing the biog, was like, what's the tone of the songs?

And I told her about the fact that I had sent one of the songs to a musical friend and he had come back after quite a long period of silence he responded with some good constructive criticism but one of the things he said was that it sounds like you're in the uncanny valley between funny and sincere

what a place to be i know i thought that's the way i've been living my whole life but

I think the process of doing the album was kind of making peace with the uncanny valley between funny and sincere.

So that's what a lot of the songs sound like.

But that's a great achievement because we've talked about this, I think, with Nish David, that I got offered a record deal in a really stupid situation.

And I did write some songs.

And then I was so terrified that they would actually be released because, you know, they were just plinky-plonky guitar songs with GDNA about why my wife wouldn't go out with me at at the time.

And I just thought, have you ever seen An Eye for an Eye by Nick Knowles?

Have you ever seen that song?

No.

What, did he record a song?

He recorded a song called An Eye for an Eye.

Is it a serious song?

Yeah, it's a really earnest song.

And I just thought, I think that's what it would look like.

And so I just didn't do anything about it.

I had to meet a music lawyer.

I had to like sign a deal with Morning Music.

And then they gave me some money.

And then about eight years later, I just got a letter saying, we've decided to part company.

Good luck with everything.

That was it.

I didn't have to give the money back, but I was like, no one can ever see these.

I think my wife once opened the file on my old laptop and I was absolutely devastated.

And I'd like them to be consigned to history.

I'd love to hear those songs.

But you wrote some sincere songs.

Like, they weren't trying to be funny or weird or anything.

No, no.

Well, he said, like, it was Amy McDonald.

Her manager.

So she came on Soccer AM.

And then I made some daft daft comment about playing the clarinet on her album.

And she went, come and do it.

And we all laughed.

And then no one ever actually sees it through.

And then I did.

I went and played on her album, played The Hammersmith Apollo.

And then her manager was like, why don't I sign you?

And I was like, okay.

It was like the Heineken Advert.

It was literally like that.

Heineken Schmeineken champagne fall through the floor.

And so he said, do you want to write a football song?

I was like, no, absolutely not.

They're all terrible.

Like, I've got a guitar.

I've looked at famous songs and they're all GDNA.

So like, I'll give it a go.

So I wrote some songs, which I think are probably like

awful i bet they're quite good they're probably better than my songs oh i doubt it i doubt it three chords i dreamed of three chords

but like the fact that you've seen it through i think is like what a thing to realize you know and i obviously you like as dave will attest to i like i'm not an amuso it's fair to say but for someone who loves music to have got that and have it made, I think must, I imagine you're probably terrified, but also excited, right?

Well, I've kind of resigned myself.

I mean, I'm not someone who looks at reviews anyway, or at least I don't seek them out.

But, you know, you are aware that

bad reviews will be written.

And it's one of those things where, in dark moments, you wake up sweating at three in the morning and imagine some parallel universe in which, for some reason, Anthony Fantano has dug out my album or has decided that he needs to review my album.

And he does a long, eviscerating takedown of my grotesque foray into music at the expense of actual talented musicians out there who would love a record contract with a major label

my

father is a musician and an arranger and all of that stuff and would sometimes be called in to try and add some strings maybe to a song that is bad.

Yeah.

I recall one time, I think it might have been a country artist, and dad had written a really nice tight string arrangement that just lifted the whole thing up.

And the producer got back to him and said, Uh, to my dad, Jim, we are dealing here with something called shite.

And when one deals with shite, one does not use a teaspoon.

And so, dad had to go back and rewrite the string arrangements as like

My dad could save us.

That's okay.

Yeah, yeah, the turd polisher.

I'll give your dad a call for album number two.

You shake hands with all the musical types and head back to the bike.

How's the weather?

The weather's still bad.

I make my apologies for looking like a weird delivery tramp, and then I get back on my bike into the horrible drizzle.

And it's raining enough so that my glasses are all just covered in raindrops and I can't really see properly.

And also, I have to deliver a package.

I have to drop off an album by someone else to haven't been hired by delivery because they've seen you pass it or be spotted like a Talarist.

No, I'm trying to do a favor for a friend who knows that I know this famous musician and has said, Do you think that you can get an album signed?

Because my son's teacher is a really big fan.

Shit.

And so I'm thinking, not not really,

but then I want to be helpful.

You know, I want to be the kind of person who goes, yeah, no problem, fine.

Oh, it's sketchy.

That's sketchy.

You have to cycle around London trying to find Stormsey for the next

one Gary Barlow.

I had to find a copy of the album, buy it.

The only copy I could find was like a quite an expensive re-release.

And then I had to package it all up.

And then I have to arrange for a FedEx delivery to this artist so that they can sign it.

And it was just like, this is a whole day's work.

I had to figure out.

I'd never actually sent anything with FedEx before.

First of all, I turned up at a like a corner shop that had a FedEx sign outside of it with the package and said, can I send this by FedEx?

And he's like, well, you need to do it online and print out a label.

And I was like, oh, damn it.

And I said, can I do that here on my phone?

It's like, yeah, you can have a go.

One hour later, I'm still prodding away at my fucking phone going nuts trying to go, all right, the postcode of the delivery of here or the postcode of the person I'm sending it to?

Which is it?

And then suddenly the whole screen would refresh and I'd lose all the stuff I'd typed in and start again.

Okay.

Sorry.

What's your postcode here at the corner shop?

And the guy's telling me the postcode.

Anyway, it didn't happen.

Finally, I dropped it off yesterday, though, and it was just a joyful sensation when the lovely woman printed out the label for me and stuck it in the thing, and off it went.

And the whole process had left me about a hundred pounds for her.

But I'm a great guy who does favors for people, so that's the main thing.

This is the function of this podcast, you know what I mean?

Like a lot of people imagine Buxton swanning around the Norfolk countryside with his ideas and then making his beautiful things.

But this is the truth right here.

Him standing in a corner shop beside a giant box of Watsets that keeps falling on top of him, constantly putting wrong emails in the me, you, different tiny boxes.

The musician, who obviously all the listeners want to know is who is it?

But you don't have to say who it is.

But do you know them well enough that this is an easy request?

Or are you actually sort of going out on a limb and sort of slightly worried that they might be thinking, why is this person asking me to do this?

Well, it is a member of Radiohead.

And so I do know them almost well enough.

But it's on the edge.

You know what I mean?

It's definitely a favor.

But it's fine.

I mean, all it is for them is they just open up the package and sign it.

And I like everybody involved.

So I do want the favor to happen.

You know what I mean?

Doesn't one of Radiohead have to like go to a shop and FedEx it back to send it to you?

Well, that's the thing.

That's the thing I don't want.

That's the nightmare scenario.

Because if it's as soon as you're in that area, you're opening up a whole nightmare box of annoying possibilities for that person.

Because

then

if they have to arrange delivery themselves, I can't ask them to do that.

And even just getting it picked up has the potential to be a pain in the ass.

You know, if they're not in at the right time or the guy wants a signature, I don't know what.

You know what I mean?

Like something could go wrong.

And then it's like, oh, it didn't get picked up.

Could you pop

there like midday, between midday and four could you baby

because i kind of said i'm gonna do this guy a favor i'm a really nice guy i don't know if you know but in order for me to continue being like a really nice guy could you be in between midday and five even though you're a really famous bam

it reminds me a little bit of my colleague max has stephen graham's number and texts him to ask him to come on our uh podcast just in terms of i mean i think you probably know those guys better but because Max and Stephen Graham haven't been in touch for 10 years would you say no I think the last thing I sent him was about portrait artists of the year about four years ago but when we were going who should we get on I was like oh I could tell and I David has booked every guest bar one so far I was like I better pull my phone out and I did say you know do you want to come on you know send it a link to the podcast and he just sort of said great to hear from you kidda thumbs up like and you're sort of going if he's listening to this, he will find this funny.

But I was like, that's really lovely, but it doesn't answer the question.

But I haven't spoken to you in five years.

And, you know, I probably should have done this before Adolescence came out.

Why didn't I think of this six months ago?

It would have seemed like a slightly more wholesome offer.

But I can't say any of this.

I just hearted it.

And, you know, I'll think about it later.

That is a superbly dodged

outreach.

Really good.

Okay, so we've dealt with Radiohead.

Who's it for?

It's for your friend's son's teacher.

Is that your friend's son?

So you'll help anyone.

That's so far removed.

I mean, I will try to help anyone.

I would like to make it clear to everyone listening to this that I'm not going to get anything else signed by members of Radiohead.

I was going to say, how many stages away?

Do you know?

I don't know you well, but could I get you to sign something for your father?

Friend of a friend of a friend from Tom York.

No,

no more Radiohead favors ever again.

The Bank of Goodwill is now empty.

Adam, for a man looking to be healthy at the moment, all you've eaten is some fucking spinach about six hours ago.

Yeah, good point.

But I also had, there was a point at which I

had a sort of late breakfast snack, which was

some Al Pro yogurt, because I don't like dairy products too much.

So I go on the

Sawyer yogurt thing.

And I had some granola with that.

Okay.

And some blueberries and some powder, like flax seed that my wife has.

And she said, oh, you should have this flaxseed powder.

Yeah, I pour that all over my Weetabix.

What the hell is that?

I mean, what's it supposed to do?

I'm just having it because she tells me it's good.

Yeah, I've got three bags of sort of soot.

One is flax seeds.

One is

LNR or something.

And one is hemp seed, which is

bigger than that.

There's some hemp seeds in my bag, too.

Right.

It's just sort of texture.

I mean, it looks very much like ground up beetles very finely ground beetles which is what we're all gonna be eating in 10 years anyway so i sort of think like yeah get used to it george mombio would approve yeah it doesn't have any discernible taste it's just i'm just hoping that it's maybe good for my gut I didn't realize that I was doing a podcast with two hemp boys.

I was wondering why there was so much IRI on this podcast right now.

That's me, Gary Hemp.

Have you had a tea or a coffee?

Yeah, today you had them.

Oh, yeah, I had a tea with a little bit of vanilla Al Pro in there.

Okay.

Yum.

Delicious.

It mainly tastes of just vanilla because it's so sugary, the Al Pro.

So I'm doing okay nutrition-wise.

And then we also, actually at the record company, we also popped across the road to have a bite to eat.

So there was a little duck salad there.

The duck was a little too dry.

It said crispy duck, but come on, don't take a piss.

A little bit of moisture wouldn't hurt.

But that was fine.

So I'm doing okay food-wise.

And then I'm heading back to prepare for the evening's entertainment.

And it is going to be off the charts culturally,

totally unrepresentative of my life as a whole.

But yesterday happened to be the night that I was going to the ballet with my sons.

Wow.

Okay.

And actually, I'm not sure if it's technically the ballet.

What it was was

about three weeks ago, we were having a wholesome post-supper listening party round at Castle Buckles.

And we were occasionally we'll sort of play tunes to each other.

So we'll go, have you heard this?

Have you heard this?

You know, because my sons are both into music as well.

And my middle son, Natty, who's quite good at the piano, he likes classical music, or at least he's interested in it.

And he said, check this out.

I think this is the best piece of music I've ever heard.

And he played me this song called Daphnis and Chloe, Deafness A.

Chloe.

And it's by Ravel,

who did, you know, Bolero.

Tour Villandine's.

Oh, yeah.

But his other banger was Deafness a Chloe from 1912.

Which reached number one for seven weeks and was knocked off

by Chubba Wemba.

Yeah.

Knocked off by Wheel Meet Again.

And it's good, you know, but it's not like it's i was expecting him to play me something

really odd or experimental or something but it's not it's very lush and traditional it sounds a bit like sci-fi music it sounds like sections of if you can imagine what the music from the abyss directed by james cameron yeah oh

like unearthly choirs every now and again coming in It's a lot like that and very lush strings and instrumentation.

It is beautiful.

But then after we'd had that listening party, I was in London and I saw on a siding a big advert for the London Philharmonic playing Daphnis a Chloe.

Wow.

With an Australian acrobatic team

accompanying the performance.

I was like, holy shit, this is the universe inviting me to the Royal Festival Hall for some cultural deliciousness.

So I bought three tickets for me and my two sons.

My wife and my daughter were otherwise occupied with sporting events.

And off we went to the Royal Festival Hall for some high culture.

It was great.

They came down to Norfolk.

Have you come straight?

So at the moment we're in the news agent and you've just handed a package.

Yes.

No, I went back to the flat, had a cold shower.

I love cold showers.

Stop it.

Let's just hold.

This is where David would say interruption.

Do you start them warm and make them colder or do you just go straight in?

Cold, cold, cold.

Fuck, Adam, what's going on?

All cold.

I think it's because on

a number of levels, I am a man who is at war with himself.

And

my

layers of self-loathing manifest themselves in all kinds of ways.

And in some ways, I'm always looking for ways to punish myself for being a terrible person.

And I think a combination of that psychological hang-up plus listening to Michael Mosley, God rest him.

Was he called Michael Mosley?

Yes, the Pope.

It was Pope Francis, was his name.

Pope Mosley, God rest him.

I always have to check with names these days because I'm 55 and I'm just getting them all wrong.

Anyway, when I used to listen to him occasionally, he was a big advocate of cold showers, the Pope.

He loved them.

So the thing is, I can, after football, I think I need cold.

My body is completely screwed.

And I, I sort of get to the front door and then I sort of grimace to pretend that I'm totally fine.

You know, as my wife's saying, why are you still playing football?

You've got arthritis in your hips.

And then I sometimes think, oh, cold shower is a good idea.

But I can do cold on my front.

Yeah.

Sort of nipples down.

That can be cold.

But to turn it around and get it on your, that's the real tough guy, the head and the neck and the top of the back.

Then I just go, let's make it just, why not a hot shower?

It's nicer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just feel like I just don't deserve any warmth.

Wow.

It's very, for the week that's in it.

It's a very Catholic, you know, those guys who slap themselves with little whips on their back?

Is that something you're into as well?

I mean, I get it, but I haven't done it.

But yes, I suppose there is, it's not a million miles that it is adjacent to that kind of thing, I suppose.

It's just like the oh the cold shower it's it's good it's like it just feels like a nice reset and now that i'm used to it it no longer makes me sad in fact it makes me quite happy and it does perk me up how long do you stand in a cold shower not more than a minute okay and i think you're supposed to you know the kind of joe rogan's of the world who are getting into ice baths and stuff like that they're in there for ages Yeah, yeah.

Like several minutes.

Is that how you get a successful podcast then?

You have to like the colder you can make yourself, the more successful your podcast is going to be.

That's what's going wrong, David.

You're lowering your ball into the hottest bath under the sun.

And I'm there in a hot shower.

And we wonder why, you know, we're only sixth in the comedy charts very occasionally.

Exactly.

If you want to take over from Rogan, you've got to go out.

to Iceland and you've got to sit there in your underpants, freezing your tits off in an ice bath and then carve a circle in the sort of a tundra lake.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Get right in there.

A minute is not enough to lather up and get all that done, is it?

This isn't about lathering.

This is about something else.

No, there is some lathering, but everything just happens at a much faster pace at that temperature.

Yeah, okay.

Your balls shoot up into your body, they bulge out through your cheeks.

You look like Kevin the Gerbal.

Yeah, exactly.

Everything that needs to be sanitized is now in your face and your mouth.

So you just have to do that and then you get out.

No, it's quite quick.

I just squirt like a load of shampoo on my head and then

do that quickly.

Half the challenge is trying to breathe normally, right?

Because you get cold and you're just going

because you're in shock.

And so what you want to be doing is just.

And I sometimes I will talk to myself and say, this is nice.

This is nice.

This is nice.

And things like that, because it helps.

I mean, the showers I'm taking are not so so cold that you're in pain, but I have had those ones,

and it just gets scary.

And also, I think it's dangerous.

Like, even if you go cold swimming, they say don't put your head underwater for too long or whatever, or at all, I think.

So, you do have to be a little mindful of the fact that there is a possibility that you could have a heart attack if you get into some really cold water.

Now, I've been thinking,

so I also

do long farts, okay?

And I do one that Helen is particularly annoyed by, where I walk and on every step, it does another little

sometimes.

It'll be rarely a major scale, but it'll be some sort of Dorian, like ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

One of those sort of like,

but I sometimes think because I cycle a lot like yourself, Adam, could it be the action of the leg with the butt on the saddle causes the little butthole just on each pedal stroke just to open slightly and breathe in some of the city that it then discharges?

Right.

I suppose that is possible.

I think it's unlikely.

What about, though, on the subject of farting while cycling?

Because I often do have my headphones in.

I feel slightly disconnected from people around me.

Not in a dangerous way.

but it does embolden me to just let riff if I have a fart,

even if I'm sort of pulled up at the lights and there's people standing there.

I don't mind, that's fine.

But it's the same listening to stuff and walking the pram.

That I will just go and then I think, oh, oh dear.

But I was once in the Galapagos Islands.

Whoa.

We got off the big boat.

We're on a little dinghy and we've got to know the people pretty well.

But we were sort of like silently sort of rowing through this sort of shallow water.

You and Charles Darwin farting away.

I can see where this is going.

Can I add one more layer to it?

The guide has gone, and that on the rock is the last Galifigo bird reckoned to be in the world.

Okay, so let's just add that layer into it.

And I was just so confident it was a quiet one.

And there were 13 of us on the boat, and I was standing up.

So like my ass was sort of where people were sitting.

You know, we'd been on the boat for maybe three days, but it wasn't, and you get to know each other quickly in that environment.

The look of devastation on my wife's face.

There was nowhere to hide.

Did you say anything?

Better out than in.

No,

I didn't try.

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

No, I didn't do anything like that.

I just, I think I tried to laugh it off, but I don't think it was ever the same.

Sometimes it's better just to go, whoa, sorry about that.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

The worst one recently was when I was at the gym with my

PT guy, and I was doing sit-ups, and there was just a big old sit-up part there.

He didn't mention it like I wanted him to, because what you'd prefer really is for someone just to go, whoa, okay, have a good one or something.

I don't know why have a good one suddenly came into my mind as something you say after a shot.

But

he was quiet about it.

Like he was embarrassed for me.

And that's what makes it embarrassing is if someone else is embarrassed.

But I can't tell you the silence.

There's no more silent place than the shallow waters of St.

James Island in the Galapagos, looking for a turtle.

As the last bird just collapses off the rock.

I killed that tortoise.

That aged torso died because I fired in his face.

Now, I hope where this is going, Adam, is that you get to the performance.

You are breaking wind so loud at it that the acrobats are tumbling off things, and the musical orchestra keep looking up into the audience.

You sorry, sorry, me again.

No, because we were late.

That's what happened.

Oh, shit.

We didn't leave enough time because I'm not used to getting around London, really.

I'm not here that often.

So we left, we cut it a bit too fine.

We got the tube tube from Liverpool Street.

We wanted to go to Waterloo and it's incredibly easy to go from Liverpool Street to Waterloo.

You just take central line to Bank and then it's the Waterloo and something else line to Waterloo.

It's like two stops in total.

My son very confidently said, oh, it's this way, it's this way, it's over here, look, the signs pointing this way.

And we got on totally the wrong train and went in the wrong direction.

And we would have been fine if we'd got on the correct train.

But as it was, it was suddenly like oh shit we're gonna be late and it says on the tickets pretty clearly like no admittance after 8 30.

so I was like oh shit I've spent all this money on these tickets for this high class evening of culture and the boys have come down from Norfolk and it's not going to happen so once we like when we were transferring from bank to the

Waterloo line It was about a five minute walk or something and we were just pelting down the corridors and then we had to run at the other end from Waterloo to the Royal Festival Hall.

By the time we got there, we got there with one minute to spare.

Yes.

And we found our seats.

It was really good, but we were just drenched in sweat and just panting.

However, not windy.

And also we didn't have enough time to buy a drink, which normally I would.

But actually, it worked out really well.

I suddenly realized like, oh, it's quite good not having a drink.

Normally, I would just have to go to the loo the whole time.

And it was good.

It was total focus.

Plus, the main reason why I bought the tickets in the first place was because I checked the duration of the performance.

Oh, great.

Under an hour?

Keeps going an hour.

Short culture.

Just over an hour.

Amazing.

Round of applause.

70 minutes in total.

I was like, I can do 70 minutes.

And it was terrific.

Although, talking of putting off the acrobats by farting, I I didn't fart, but the very first move that they made, there was a couple in the middle.

Like, as the music started, six pairs of acrobats, male and female, came out and stood under spotlights at the front of the stage.

And the pair towards the middle, the first move that the guy made, like swinging his partner around his neck and then kind of picking her up, lifting her onto his shoulders, he screwed it up and she tumbled down

i was like whoa and i think they'd just done a performance as well i think about half an hour before they'd finished the previous performance so they were probably totally knackered but i was thinking like maybe he's also pissed i don't know there's going to be all this drama when they get off stage he was like are you drunk well they're australian so you've been at the tinneys mate before our special performance you're so unprofessional i'm never working with you again shane

but then they were good for the rest of the time but shane i don't know what his real name was shane

it could have been locky i've been here a few years and every other person is locky locco yeah he was a bit stumbly and loud you know especially with the music is so beautiful and subtle and the Philharmonic were extraordinary and the choir was otherworldly and amazing.

It's so cool to be in a room where other humans are actually making that noise in front of you that you've only ever heard on a record or on a film or whatever.

But he was, you could really hear Shane stomping away

every time he did one of his moves.

It was like,

whoa, Shane, a bit more graceful.

I mean, it was a bit weird because you sort of think, Do we necessarily need acrobatics with the performance of the classical music?

I mean, they were really amazing.

They were amazing.

But it also introduced some slightly unwelcome anxiety because there were times when you really thought, I think Shane's going to drop her and then she's going to die.

Shane's going to drop her onto the bassoons and then we're really fucked.

Yeah, she's going to just fall down on her head.

What would Ravel have thought?

Although, maybe Ravel's wishes were this piece may be performed by acrobats, but only if one Reggo is taken in off the street and his name just joins in as best he can.

Jury service.

He's just got you what what now?

With who?

This.

Exactly.

Plus, all the acrobats must have done shots before the performance.

Do the lads like it?

Particularly middle lad who had originally loved the tune.

Yeah, he loved it.

He was absolutely knocked out.

I don't think he'd ever actually seen a whole orchestra perform like that.

So he was completely amazed.

But we all agreed that actually we didn't necessarily need the acrobats, no disrespect to the acrobats, who were amazing.

And at one point, like their big thing was to form themselves into sort of human steps, and then they would take turns climbing up the human steps to stand on the shoulders of the person at the end of the step formation until they were standing three high on each other's steps.

And then, at the end, all of them climbed onto this tower of people until one guy, it wasn't Shane, it was some other guy, was holding the whole lot of them, like nine of them or something,

holding them all.

And he, I mean, you could really see him quivering away.

It's not like he was standing there stock still.

It was just like, ow, ow, ow, ow.

And they were all sort of going, keep it together, keep it together, because if we fall, we're all going to get badly injured.

I love the idea that you immediately go back to the subsidiary of Warner Music and you go, about this album, yes, I would like to play it live, but with the addition of 12 to 24 acrobats.

Drunk Australian acrobats.

None of them were drunk, but mine would be.

Do you get a drink afterwards then?

If you didn't have one before, you must be gasping now, you lot.

We ended up having a drink nearby where we were staying,

which was nice, nice unwind, but it was lovely.

It was so good.

I'm so glad we did it.

And right at the beginning of the performance as well, I don't go to the theater very often, but I often have a couple of minutes at the beginning of something like that where you are reminded how amazing it is

that this kind of thing happens.

Here we are in the Royal Festival Hall, a couple of thousand people and a few hundred on the stage with the orchestra, with the acrobats, with the choir.

They're so talented.

They're doing all this.

incredible intricate performance for us, for other human beings.

And it's all just for us.

It's not like it's being recorded or broadcast live.

It was just a thing that was happening in this building for each other, regardless of where we stood on various contentious culture war issues.

You know what I mean?

And it was really quite moving and life-affirming and sort of reminded you, well, the world's a dark place, but this is kind of part of what it's all about.

Like, this is why we want to all get along.

And so, yeah, I had that moment of hippie-ish oneness and wonder.

I don't go to the theater theater very often.

And in fact, I mean, this sounds a bit like I've written more books than I've read, but I've probably done more shows in theaters than I've gone to see in theaters.

You know, I'm normally facing in the opposite direction to everyone else.

But whether it's a stand-up show or a theater show or a band, there's this slight jeopardy always when you're sitting there, which is, I mean, there's too many other things to look at.

There's no way I'm going to concentrate on whatever this thing that's about.

And then the thing starts and you completely forget the fact that you're sitting with a thousand other people you're just wrapped up in whatever is taking place and yeah there is something really communal i guess it's it's what church used to be to most people then that you're sharing this experience yes exactly it's special to be in a room with lots of other people and they told you at the beginning as well can you not clap because it'll interfere with the music and it could increase the chances of one of the Australians dying.

Were you allowed to clap at the end?

Or, like, did you just say that?

Yeah, we were all clapping.

I stood up, and there were lots of people whooping, and I got some vibes from some of the other concert goers that it's not appropriate to, you don't need to do a standing O

every single time you go to the theater.

A standing O is only for very special occasions.

And although this was wonderful, I don't think it qualifies.

But I was giving it the full standing O.

I was woo!

Yeah, woo!

This drink, did you just go to a little local pub?

Did set the scene for us?

Well, we got back, we're staying in the East End, and we got back to find everything quite deserted at around 10:45.

I was like, oh, yeah, London is basically pretty sleepy most nights.

On the weekends, I guess it gets a bit more jazzy, but it was quite deserted at 10:45.

But we did find one bar

that was open and

went in there and had a nice gin and tonic.

Thank you very much.

Love you.

It was good.

And then I went back before the boys, they stayed for one more.

I went back, got myself ready for bed because I knew I was going to talk to you in the morning.

I didn't want to be too foggy-headed.

And also, later on, I'm doing more audiobook recording.

So, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed and then watched a little bit of Endor.

Andor?

Not Endor.

Enora.

Andor.

Enora.

I re-watched a compilation of just the sex bits from Enora.

What's Endor?

Andor.

Andor, I think it's called.

It's a Star Wars series on Disney Plus.

And it's one that's written by Tony Gilroy, who wrote a lot of the Born movies.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I have a question because you're nearly asleep, so we're nearly at the end.

After your cold shower, did you do the toilet roll hair sweep?

Or was that shower not long enough to disrupt any of the break quests?

See, he's a proper journalist, Adam.

This is the sort of thorough work that he does.

That's journalism in action just then.

There's always the toilet roll hair sweep.

Pew Poover.

That was my only sort of eye to dot and T to cross.

Adam, do you feel the need to do anything unpleasant to yourself before you go to bed?

Just slam a fridge against your foot a few times or anything.

One more bit of punishment.

No, evening time is treat time generally i find it quite difficult like for a long time i found it really hard to go to bed without either having a drink or maybe smoking a joint or you know there had to be some way of concluding the day with like

some fun sure yeah but in recent years i've managed to get out of that on the whole yeah and so now i can just get into bed and turn out the light which is quite an achievement because for a long time, up until kind of COVID times, I really couldn't.

I really felt like, actually, there was a period between when my dad died and then when my mum died and a few years after that.

So that's 2015 for a few years after that, where I really felt like I just don't want to go to bed without.

getting a little bit tooty.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And I spoke to some friends as well who had the same thing like, oh, yeah, I end up putting off going to bed because I don't, I don't know, something, it just seems too melancholy at a certain point.

And the idea of just going to bed like a normal person and turning off the light just seemed impossible to me for ages.

But now I can do it.

So I'm quite pleased about that.

That's really interesting.

Sometimes after gigs, because I'm too jazzed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll, regardless of the time of year, sit out.

We have a tiny little garden and I'll sit out on a plastic chair sometimes with a beer yes but with the light off

and we have so many times of helen coming down you know noticing me as she is whatever eating a piece of fruit or whatever that this madman is sitting out in the garden but i am trying to prepare for bed, I think, in some way.

I've always, I don't know, maybe because I'm the youngest, I've always felt that there's something more exciting to do than go to bed.

Max will just go on and on about how much he dreams of sleeping because he's so tired all of the time.

Yet I'm still frankly bored by the whole thing.

I've got a camping chair as well.

And that was part of my routine was to sit out under the stars as well, not just after shows, but most nights.

If it was a warm night, yeah, definitely.

Oh, if I can be in bed, it's 8:29 p.m.

I reckon we'll have wrapped up in 10 minutes,

8:41.

Straighten.

I have a three-year-old and a 12-week old, it's different, but I it is rare that I will not have a drink or like a whole slab of Tony's chocolate only, like one of the two or something like the day's been healthy, and then I just go, oh, this is what I need.

Yeah, the other night I had, I stopped off at Sainsbury's in London, and they had cookies, oat and raisin cookies, pack of five, and they're pretty big.

Yeah.

It's probably only meant to be like one cookie per day.

But after I'd had that first one and it was moist and it was, oh my God, I was like, oh shit, this is way better than I thought it was going to be.

And so I had to eat all of them.

Yeah.

Well, you've got to get them out of the way.

You've got my theory is it's got to go.

It's in the house.

It's better that it goes now, but then it can get restocked, which is the sort of that's the failure well luckily they don't sell that type of cookie they don't sell them because i'd had them once about five years ago and they'd remained legendary in my mind like oh i remember those cookies so i always look out for them whenever i go but they don't have them in the local branch in norfolk and i saw them here in london i was like holy shit they've got them so i grabbed them and then the next day yesterday I went to the dock and she was feeling my tummy sort of saying, let's check on your gut.

And she was like, like, Oh, yes, it's pretty good.

I think.

She's like, Oh, hang on.

What's here?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, I know exactly what that is.

I know what that is.

That's the cookie jar.

I just think it's sad that Britain's most innovative podcaster of the last 10 years is taken the big books by Sainsbury's.

And in all of the interviews that Adam Buxton does these days, just somehow crams in various Sainsbury's products in different.

I was in the shower and I lathered up with Sainsbury's everyday shower gel.

It brings a minty freshness to my gooch.

And so do my gooch.

And with this great, very reasonably priced three-ply Sainsbury's toilet paper, it's possible to wipe up all the bits of skin and hair that's fallen out of your middle-aged head as well.

So we're in bed.

We're in bed and we're asleep.

Do we have something on?

So we've watched Endor.

We've closed the lid.

Do we pop on?

Are we scared of silence or can we have silence?

Oh, well, that's a good question.

No, we can't have silence.

We are frightened of silence.

Yes.

What we do is we put the fan on.

Okay.

Yeah, there's a fan in the corner of the room.

And even though it's not

too hot, I'll turn it up full, angle it away from the bed so that it's not blowing directly onto me.

But that will help me get to sleep.

And I think it's because we do it in Norfolk.

When we moved out to Norfolk, we were shocked by how quiet it was.

You know, if you were living in South London and it's pretty noisy, and then suddenly you go out to the middle of the countryside where we live and there's total silence.

Yeah.

Like not birds, not, I mean, maybe foxes or maybe the odd owl occasionally, but most nights, nothing.

And it was was so overpowering.

Well, we realized one hot summer that it was nice having the fan on, and that actually it got you to sleep a little faster.

So now I'm I need noise.

And if there isn't a fan, if I'm staying in a hotel or whatever, or staying with a friend and they don't have a fan in the room, then I've got a noise machine on my laptop, white noise maker.

And actually, it's not just white noise.

You can change it to all sorts of different things.

It can be Tibetan monks,

it can be rain, it can be forest sounds, and it's got a little mixer, like a EQ thing.

So you can add some birds or take away some waterfalls.

You can really customize each setting.

I love it.

My favorite is the Flying Fortress, and it sounds like a World War II bomber.

All I do for that one is I take because the default setting for that one is these guys go, talking to us,

So that's part of the noise.

But I don't like those guys.

I don't want to hear them chatting away.

So I pull them out of the mix, increase all the

to maximum.

It's D-Day every night, really gets you to sleep.

Screaming sounds of the people of Dresden as their carpet bombed.

Yeah, I pull their screams out of the mix a little bit.

I thought you were going to, just for pure chaotic energy, you put the fan on, you point it away, and then in front of it, you put 100 gold tickets like in the crystal maze

as you doze off to sleep with your mouth open.

You see how many

you can only sleep with Richard O'Brien playing a harmonica next to you.

That's the only way.

Well, Richard Iowade, even.

I mean, I was in the crystal maze for a few seasons.

I was ahead in a jar.

Yes, weren't you?

It seems like another life.

It was one of those things that

it happened for about three years or something.

It was a great gig.

Every year I would cycle off to Bristol down to the bottle factory or whatever it is called, this huge great studio complex outside Bristol where they constructed the Crystal Maze set and hang out with Richard Ayueade for a few days, shoot a few episodes.

Ask some ridiculous riddles in a stupid voice that I settled on five minutes before doing the first one, then regretted every single time.

What was the voice?

I think it was like this, talking like this for every single riddle.

And I sort of did it five minutes before we started shooting the first one to the producers, and they were like, yeah, that's fine.

And then every single time I did it afterwards, I thought, oh, why am I doing this voice?

But then

it was one of the very sad consequences of COVID.

One of the worst consequences, I believe, of COVID.

That the crystal maze was shelved and forgotten about, and it was not deemed necessary to continue.

I mean, I suppose the crystal dome is, if you're in with other people, is quite a contagious place

of all the places to be.

That's really going to get the COVID whipped around.

What time are we asleep, please, Adam?

So, I mean, normally, hopefully by not later than 10.30, but last night.

Last night was a late one.

So 12.15, I would say.

Well, look, thanks, Adam, for doing this.

Thanks for coming on.

Not at all.

I hope you edit out all the boring parts and just leave it as a 10-minute podcast.

No, it's really nice talking to you.

Do you feel it was a good day?

It feels like a good day to me.

Oh, man, that was a great day.

I loved it.

I have one other question that I feel I should have asked earlier.

With this Brompton,

are you constantly folding it and unfolding it?

Because I would be too scared to...

I have 19, sorry, 18 bikes.

I do not have a brompton but a lot of my worry at all times because i can't fold up any of those bikes is is my bike okay when i leave the house yeah no that is a good question and i've had two bromptons stolen at this point but the first time i got one stolen

it was when i leaned it up against the window of a shop and i was popping in to buy a pepsi or whatever And the counter was right next to the window.

So I felt like, well, I'm sort of two feet away from the bike.

bike but then as i was paying for the pepsi the counter guy was like oh your bike your bike your bike and i turned around to see some

twat riding away did you run after him yeah oh yeah i ran after him yeah yeah i was running after i was i ran right into the road into the traffic cruising down as fast as i could going that's my bike you

and

Thinking, I don't know what I was thinking.

I thought maybe if I call him a that'll really he's like, whoa, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

Come on, mate.

There's no need for that.

Have your bike back, you potty-mouthed so-and-so.

But no, he just carried on cycling.

It was awful.

And everyone just stood around, staring at me, because at that point, I was the maddest guy on the street, making an exhibition of myself.

My feeling is his mistake was he should have shouted that, but in the Crystal Maze voice,

the guy would have been.

Yeah.

That's the lad from the Crystal Maze.

That, as well, you know, is is my Brompton bike, you absolute.

Now, get off, please, and return it to me.

That is nearly 2,000 pounds of Metropolitan Elite hardware, you absolutely man.

Thank you very much for sharing your day with us out of Buxton.

Thank you.

It's lovely to see you.

So, David, I really loved that.

I mean, I am a fan, and not that I'm not a fan of all the other people that we've had on.

I am a fan of all the other people we've had on.

I thought maybe I'd try and play it cool with Adam Buxton, but I think I tried too hard.

But I think I played it pretty cool.

I just like how he wears his existential battles on his sleeve.

Yeah, from mopping up his hair in the shower to not wanting to be late for the, you know, to the cold shower.

Then, what you sense is

man in motion.

Max, that's, I think, the most boring synopsis of a podcast that there's ever been.

But I do love the fact that he's there in a news agent with the FedEx thing, trying to get someone he barely knows a CD sign by one of Radiohead.

And let's face it, both you and I, David, were scrambling to name any other member of Radiohead, but we're too polite to say that.

Hey, that's not true.

There's Floppy Fringe.

Yeah.

Okay.

There's Drummer.

Yeah.

Just a regular looking drummer as well.

That's another two of them.

How many are there?

They're four?

Five, I'd say.

They're five.

Do you think five?

Maybe six.

I mean, I could be sitting next to them now and I wouldn't be sure.

It's not a criticism.

Yeah, it's not a.

No, it didn't come across as a classic piece of the Rushton then that he was sitting beside the bass player from radio and he didn't even realize.

Oh my God.

I had that once where I was at some charity dinner and this guy was like, I'm in a band.

And I was like oh, good for you.

What are they called?

He said, Muse.

I was like, oh,

okay.

Yeah.

They're quite big.

Anyway, look, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thank you, David.

Oh, thanks so much, Max.

I still enjoy doing this.

Let's keep doing it for another while, will we?

Yeah.

Well, that sounds like a step back from doing it for life.

That sounds like you're having doubts.

Look, the

new conclave will be soon.

And who knows what names are in the mix?

And if I'm plucked from that, one of the T's and C's of becoming the new Pope is you can't podcast.

No way you're getting it before Roy Walker.

That's what I'm saying.

Cheers, David.

Bye.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

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Thank you, goodbye.