S2 EP18: Esther Manito

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday.

Hi, David O'Doherty.

Episode Series 2, Episode Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

I'm using all your catchphrases now, Max.

Boy, do we have an episode for you, listeners?

Yes, for the tape, before David says, I can't wait to find out what happened when we've just done it.

It's a good day, isn't it?

And we'll do it in the debrief, but it's a good day.

It's a first.

There's a few firsts in this day, which I like.

Yeah, it's got the biggest opening to a day because

so many of our ne'er-do-well friends and people we've asked to be others live quite decadent fall of the Roman Empire type lives, you know, where they're awoken by butlers and generally just fanned with palms, palms.

Whereas this, bang, we're in there.

Today's guest is Esther Menito.

Yeah, I love Esther's comedy, and she's doing a big tour later in the year.

She does the Ghastly Women podcast with Lily Phillips.

She's been on Apollo.

She has one of the great Apollo sets, actually.

I think she's great, and she's great on this.

She is.

This is what she did yesterday.

Esther Menito, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello.

How are you feeling about me and David O'Doherty pictured there forensically analysing every tiny thing you did yesterday?

We're going to go so deep, Esther.

Oh, well, you are in for a treat, boys.

Good.

Wow.

Because do you know what I did?

Well, I'm not going to tell you what I did yesterday because it was really boring, but I'm going to tell you what I did the day before yesterday.

No, oh, no, we can't have that.

Cannabis.

Okay, all right, fine.

Yesterday, I was in recovery then.

Perfect.

From the day before yesterday.

Okay, that's perfect.

That's perfect.

I mean, is that the end of the podcast?

It's a short episode.

I refuse to tell you why.

It's the first time we've had this.

Wow.

I don't know what we do about this.

I think

we can't have the day before yesterday because we don't care.

It's a different podcast.

Yesterday I was coming back from Manchester.

Right.

Well, let's start at the beginning, David.

That's what we need to do.

This sounds like an epic journey that we're all going to be going on as a group.

Yeah.

What time do you wake up at yesterday, Esther?

Yesterday I woke up in the Leonardo Hotel Piccadilly in Manchester.

I woke up at around 7.38 a.m.

Okay.

Just around, that's quite specific.

I like how specific it is.

Yeah.

Well, because I was sharing a room with my friend and I didn't want to wake her up.

Okay.

So I woke up but lay there for a little bit.

And I was also in quite a lot of physical pain.

Oh, oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

We don't know why.

This is so exciting, David.

If only Esther would tell us what she did the day before yesterday, but she won't tell us, despite our constant haranguing, she will not tell us.

So, can I tell you what I did the day before?

No.

No.

You can, but we might have to edit it out.

You can tell us in like a 20 seconds.

Esther, it's going to come out naturally.

It's going to come out naturally.

Yeah.

So I was in quite a lot of pain and I woke up in this hotel room and I didn't want to wake my friend up because she was also in quite a lot of pain and my thighs were burning.

Wow.

And she was in a bed next to me and I was in this bed.

So I woke up.

I didn't want to wake her up, but I realized I couldn't stand.

So I then like fell onto her bed and then had to crawl around her bed while she was still sleeping so I could get into the toilet because my legs were in so much pain.

I've had this day, Esther.

I've had this day, Esther, because this is the day after, david this is you know i'm the detective here this is the day after the manchester marathon it is and i've had the day after

and i'm much more interested in the day after than the day because this is real pain you think running is pain this is pain right listen i did the london marathon last year and london marathon last year i bounced off after I finished the marathon, had zero problems.

Next day, ran a 5k, was absolutely fine.

Stop it.

Yeah, fuck off.

I was one of those dickheads.

I was like, yes.

The Manchester Marathon, I popped a hamstring at Mile 11 and ran the rest with a torn hamstring.

I would rather give birth again.

So yesterday was pain.

Can I just ask for the record, would you actually rather give birth again?

Having witnessed.

I've given birth twice, once without pain relief.

Yeah.

And I would rather do that again.

Wow.

And that was fucking painful.

I would rather tear my vadge open than do that again.

You are both marathon veterans, okay?

I am not.

But I have pulled a hamstring playing football.

So you just have to come off.

Like, there is nothing you can do.

You hobble off.

What you should do.

Yes.

Applaud the crowd and you just do a sort of, well, there's nothing we can do.

this whole thing.

How do you possibly run with one hamstring, Esther?

Well, when I was looking back at the photos, what you do is you run pretty much cross-legged like you need the loo and then you shuffle and you cry

for hours.

And then every time you think, I can't do this anymore, I'm in so much pain, you then remember who you're running for, the charity, and how you have to fucking do it.

But no one's going to say.

I know.

Oh, 11 miles.

Sorry, you probably hamstring.

Can I have £25 plus gift aid?

All right, then.

It isn't even for the charity.

It's about that I can't bear not being able to win it.

Win it?

Hello, win it.

Well, congratulations.

Congratulations.

Last one scuttling through.

I just need that medal more than life itself.

It's the only thing.

Incredible.

So, who were you running for?

What was the charity?

I was running for Medical Aid Palestine.

Great.

And the world record is two hours.

Were you motivated sufficiently by the cause?

I did it in just a bit more than that.

Smidge more.

Can I ask how much regret when you get up at seven at 7.38, you lie still for a bit.

So maybe do you feel the pain immediately?

Or for a bit, are you lying there thinking, I might be all right here?

I tell you what it is, actually.

It's getting up is the worst thing.

So you're lying there.

How quickly into being awake do you realise, oh, dear?

So I swung my right leg over, which is fine.

Yeah.

And that was a bit stiff.

That was kind of like your normal marathon stiffness.

And then when I moved my left leg, which is the fucked one, I thought, oh my God, I'm bleeding internally.

And then I

crawled around my friend's bed, who had also run the marathon.

So she was just snoring and couldn't give a shit.

And I was just muttering, really sorry, really, really sorry, really, really sorry.

And then I crawled into the toilet and went for a slash.

Realised as well, actually, that that was probably only my second piss after the marathon because it was that hot.

Question.

Did you have to pull yourself up using the toilet to get on the toilet?

Amazing.

I also think, as I sat on the toilet, pissing blood, torn hamstring, that's when I was looking at my feet.

Yeah, and I realized that my toe next to my big toe, I think, has increased in length.

Which actually could shave a little bit of time.

Yeah, you get to the finishing line quicker, a tiny bit quicker.

I think

I had put so much pressure on that leg that my toe has got longer.

And then I looked up facts about the marathon and apparently everybody shrinks by up to two centimeters after the marathon.

What?

Because your back, the pressure of bouncing up and down causes you to collapse like a crone.

So I think I've gone down, but my feet have gone out.

Just very sexy woman.

Presumably you regain the height.

Otherwise, professional marathon runners would be tiny by the end of their career if every single

person did it.

They just went down two centimetres.

Who's that fella who always wins it?

Who's like just leaning to the pane?

Oh, Kip Chogi.

Yeah, he's probably like, I don't know, the size of a bat running around.

He's one foot six.

Maybe Frodo from Lord of the Rings isn't just a short man with giant feet.

He's just done loads of marathons.

Also, Esther, the way I'm imagining you running is, do you know in Westside Story where they sort of click their fingers and like shuffle to the side?

Bing, bum, bum, bum.

You're sort of going along.

No, I was like this.

I literally had the hamstring that had torn was on this leg, and then I put this leg over and I was just running like that.

Can I show you the photo of me at the end?

Yes.

We'll put it in the show notes.

Yeah, my friend was so like, this photo will haunt me forever.

That's my friend so happy.

Wow, you're in agony.

And then me sobbing.

You couldn't even change the grimace just for the short time that it takes for a photo.

Oh, no, because I didn't cry.

I literally tensed my entire body for nearly like three hours of just tensing and enduring pain.

And the moment we got across that finish line, my friend turned to me and she went, it's done.

And I just howled.

I howled and howled and howled and howled.

Just cried because finally the pain could come to an end.

Max, this is the most exciting start we've ever had to an episode of this.

Esther, so many of our mutual friends wake up and they like doom scroll or do Wordle or something.

Like you have woken in searing pain.

You've crawled to the toilet and now you're having your second piss in 48 hours.

Right.

I think it was, was it Jen Bristow when she was on here?

Did she tell you about, I can't remember if she said she told me because she rang me afterwards and went, you've got to do this on stage about why I then had to run for Medical Aid Palestine.

Yeah.

Because I did the first marathon for sloths.

Yes, that was you.

So you ran your first marathon in aid of just any particular sloths, sloths in the middle.

It was for an animal charity.

It was a charity that my kids were like, they do stuff for sloths.

We feel very strongly about sloths.

Please run for sloths i committed to the charity and it's a lovely charity and i was honored to run for them and they do lots of lovely work and my daughter felt very passionately about sloths and i've got family in south lebanon i've got palestinian relatives and then everything happened in the middle east and i was then having to fundraise for sloths

and my entire family were like are you

kidding me

i thought you were still talking about sloths when you said i've got family i thought some of my family are sloths

some of my best friends i look like a sloth I've got the toes of a sloth you do now yeah so is your daughter still passionate about sloths or has she moved on to no this was the thing that fucked me off I committed to the charity and everything and then she was just like oh yeah I'm into something else now unicorns yeah and what help do sloths need and well this is the thing is it you know like quick travel to the shops you know that famously things take them a while right this is the beautiful thing that my beautiful girl loves about sloths she said look they smile more because it takes less energy, which I just think, what a beautiful approach to life.

But they are cutting down a lot of trees in their habitat, which means that sloths, if they're on the ground, they can't survive.

So this is a problem for sloths, which is all gorgeous and wonderful.

It is.

But it was not the biggest crisis in my life.

So when it came round to the London marathon, and all my family were like, this is your first marathon, 2024.

There is so much aid needed in palestine and south lebanon and i was like yeah but the sloths don't have homes so they're easy prey aren't they when they're on the floor it was a tricky sell i won't lie um so i then needed to run another marathon got it okay yeah so i did lisbon and then i did manchester wow so these are your three because my colleague has done two marathons he's told me so many times about them one of them he was chained to eight other blokes.

16 other people, there were 17 of us.

And they thought it was funny until someone needed to take a dump and they were all standing either side of Portaloo.

Yeah.

I don't fully understand the poo thing.

Well, neither do I.

It wasn't me.

I was just tied to a man who needed a poo.

We didn't need a poo.

The amount of people that need a poo during it.

Yeah.

This will be calmer now.

I'll shit myself next time.

No, everyone.

I thought in the Olympics, they don't show the runners from behind in the last 5k 5k because everyone's taken on too many gels and there's some point I think where your body is just like the way you bail water out of a ship to get it back into port everyone's just

I remember when I did London I was like wow there is a lot of really well moisturized legs Wow that's interesting and then I realized it was just

it's actually all Olympic events if you think now David if you ever see an Olympic event they're always from the front because every Olympian shits themselves shitting themselves which is in in 100 meters actually quite hard.

Like, you've got to time it.

The archer

propels you off the blocks.

And here he comes to take his shot.

He has shot himself.

It's a wonderful release.

Imagine the most ridiculous sport where you shoot yourself, and it's just like that was not necessary.

Yeah, the one where, do you know where you sprint along and you sort of bounce on a springy thing and then somersault over a box?

Part of the gymnastics.

Sort of mid-air, you let go at massive shit that then just shoots out over the judges and the crowd the real stars can make those shits somersault do the same somersault that you're doing they're the real stars yeah or they can make it come out in shapes like a galaxy

mike and alyssa are always trying to outdo each other when alyssa got a small water bottle mike showed up with a four liter jug

when mike started gardening alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

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Okay, Esther, it's 7.39 and you're on the toilet.

I'm on the toilet.

I've realized I've got a longer toe.

Talk us through getting off the toilet.

Do you then just fall off the toilet again?

Getting off the toilet, yeah, I needed to hoist myself onto the sink quite a lot.

And then I hobbled over to the kettle, made myself a cup of tea, and then hobbled back into my bed and lay there.

And that's when I probably sat and did a lot of scrolling on Instagram.

Fine.

For once, it's totally deserved in these circumstances.

And I just want to see lots of people saying, well done.

That's all I want.

Okay.

Famously, a cup of tea solves all ills.

Do you feel instantly better after this cup of tea?

I did.

Okay.

Yeah, cup of tea and sitting scrolling Instagram and wanting my friend to wake up so we can it's a little bit like do you remember when you were a student and you go and you have these epic nights out and you're like that was fucking brilliant and you all crash over one house and then you can't wait the next day to all sit around hung over cups of tea hobnobs and just deconstruct what happened the night before.

I wanted my mate to wake up so I could just talk at her about everything that happened.

Max, David, you know the rules of this podcast better than me.

I want to ask Esther what she did after the marathon, like the evening, like whether she felt like, I doubt she felt like having six pints or whatever, you know?

She whispered she did for the tape.

For the tape.

I saw I did from Esther, but we cannot include that.

I would imagine she probably ate a large meal.

She's mimed having eaten a large meal and then stayed up a curry, I would imagine, because she's just put that in the chat.

Five pints and a curry.

Wow.

Which I believe, if you read those high-performance post-marathon guides, they say five pints of stellar and a chicken dan sack.

So very good.

We can go back to yesterday and you may speak again, Esther.

That's a great recollection.

I just have two very young kids.

The chance of me, the next time I'm going to be in a room full of my friends with a massive hangover talking about what happened yesterday is, I mean, I'd say decades away.

And I'm so nostalgic for that moment.

So are you trying to be quiet, but not to wake your friend up?

Is the question.

Right.

I'm making a cup of tea.

I'm loudly pissing.

I'm huffing.

Yeah.

Oh.

Because I want her to wake up.

And also I want to look at what everyone did on the London marathon.

Does your friend wake up?

How long are you scrolling?

Or does something happen between?

She wakes up like that.

Okay.

Like, okay, fine.

Yeah.

She looked at me and then we just laughed.

Really laughed.

Like, what the fuck?

Is it an old friend?

It's a friend that I've known.

She's one of the mums from my daughter's class at primary school.

My daughter's now in secondary school.

So we've known each other for about probably about six years, six, seven years.

Okay.

Did you, even when your gummy hamstring went, did you stay together as a duo the whole time?

Or did she?

Well,

she had a knee injury, which meant that if she slowed down, the pain increased.

And if I sped up, I got then that like sciatic shock pain into my lower back.

So I shuffled and she would jog ahead, wait, and then she'd have to come back a bit to meet me.

So she probably ended up doing about 30 miles, probably.

Esther, it sounds like speed the movie, the way you were running that.

Yeah, you know, Father Ted, that speed.

Yeah.

yeah yeah low speed garnet okay

but to be fair i thought i was literally at walking speed so at one point i was like i might as well just walk still manage sub five i was i was pleased that is amazing you're in bed you're chatting away what happens next

we

then realize we've got to pack up to go and get our train but we want to get some food but it's a weird one because you're like

i feel like i need to eat eat,

but also

I feel like it should be like, really, you should be like, I feel like I could eat anything now.

But I was like, I feel like I need to eat something really healthy.

And I was really scared of going for a poo.

Right.

Did you go for one or you didn't?

You were so scared you didn't?

I was so scared.

I just felt like I was bleeding internally from everything.

I was like, it was in so much pain.

We packed up and we did that thing of like, shall we be the people that wear our medals?

Yeah.

And then we put the medals on, but the medals were so heavy, and our backs were so burnt and knackered.

We were like, This is actually really painful.

How heavy are they?

They're quite heavy, but my back is so burnt because I'd been obviously running in the heat, and then people were just hosing us with water.

So, you just had water and heat on one side, so I'm just burnt down one side of my body as well.

It's been such a long-term success for your body.

This is I know, I've really smashed it.

I cannot believe the difference between this and London Marathon, where I just sprang through and was like, and this one was like, How have I regressed?

How have I totally regressed?

But yeah, so we decided to go and get some nice food.

So we went and treated ourselves to a little prep.

Oh, yeah.

Lovely stuff.

So here we go.

Can we guess?

Do you want to guess, David?

So hi.

I'm going to say breakfast.

Breakfast.

It's the morning, but it's like mid-morning and we didn't get breakfast food.

Okay.

There's quite a nice salad that's got the chicken Italian one.

There's a falafel one with hummus on it.

That's pretty good as well.

You're not going to guess it because the one I got is a brand new salad in prep wow tell us about it it says it's only just come through the audition oh imagine that you're through to judges houses the louis walsh

you remind me of a young italian green salad you're through

it's got a bit of feta avocado butter beans And then almost like a harissa type sauce.

Super food.

It doesn't work for me.

But I mean, I didn't eat the salad, Esther.

It's not an issue.

I was 10,000 miles away.

I'll tell you what's happening here.

This happens all the time because Max is in Australia.

He misses the most bizarre things about Britain, but one of them is Prat.

And so I think for him to hear that there's a new salad in town, he was always going to lash out like that.

That was a bit of a lashing.

I was like, wow.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I apologize to the Harissa Marketing Board of Great Britain for my colleague.

It's late at night.

He's in a shed.

It's raining outside.

He's in Australia.

Let's move on.

How many calories do you burn doing a marathon?

I'd say it's got to be in the thousands, doesn't it?

I think it's about 2,600 or 2,700.

That's loads.

That's two days of normal food.

Yeah, but I've gained a toe.

I think it's four pints and a curry.

It's four pints and a curry.

So the fifth pint pushes it over then into.

Yeah, I've gone overdrive.

And I had a little cappuccino.

But there was a man in the prep that was annoying me somewhat.

Okay.

I won't lie.

He was deciding to mansplain to everybody.

He was sat in the pret, and I think he was a bit of a regular because they all seemed quite used to him.

He felt the need to come up and tell everyone where they needed to put their rubbish and where they should sit.

And I did not need this.

Customer?

He was a customer.

And so as people were like going to put their trays away, he would come up and go, no, your tray needs to go there.

That's what you should do.

This is where you put your tray.

And then I was walking around looking for someone to sit and he was going, sit there.

And I was going, I don't need this.

I don't like you, be you, mate.

Is there a chance that the Pratt in Manchester has like a mater D who's like, congratulations, ladies.

I have got you a seat over here by the bins.

By the bins.

He took one look at me and tried to shuffle me out of the Pratt.

I was like, we don't need your type in here, you large-toed hobbling.

What are you suggesting, David?

It's Fred from First Dates.

The works dried up, and now he's there going, Welcome.

What are you hoping to get from today's visit to Prett?

I love it.

Prett would have a matrix

at the front.

We can take your name.

You can wait for 15 minutes.

Yeah, give us your number and come back in 20.

Yeah.

It should be fine.

You can wait by the dried mango section until we have a table ready.

Also, halfway through your meatball sub, and he comes up and goes, is everything okay?

And

he's shoveling it in.

That's great.

Thanks so much.

I think we should have a matrix because they want to be slightly more, that's a way to kind of get a little bit of edge on the market, the old coffee shop market.

Have a matrix.

Yeah.

And also, whatever you order for them to say, great choice.

You get like the popcorn chocolate bar and a latte and a Coke Zero and a bag of crisps, whatever bullshit it is.

They put it on the little silver tray and they're like, an excellent choice.

Excellent choice, sir.

I had this yesterday.

Lord Cardinal of blah, blah, blah came in yesterday and he really enjoyed that little nibble.

So it's a great choice.

As they sit you down, they say, have you been to PrEP before?

Would you like me to explain the concept?

We would suggest maybe one or two sandwiches to share.

Would you like recommendation of what to go with your little paper cup of soup?

Shall I get the somelio?

And then all the other coffee shops will like try and compete.

So they'll create their own maitre d's.

And like Starbucks will be like an Abercrombie and Fitch type matrix.

And McDonald's will be Trevor McDonald or Trevor McDonald lookalikes in every one.

McDonald.

Amy McDonald also.

Trevor and McClintock.

Amy McDonald.

Malcolm McDonald.

Jane McDonald.

Yeah, Jane.

She's belted out.

She'd be belting him out.

As you tell him, you're a Big Mac.

I am what I am.

We're the chicken right now.

Okay, so we've left Pret.

We're heading to Platform 8.

Platform 8.

No, it it was Platform 8.

Did I say that?

No.

He knows everything.

I was there yesterday.

I was there, you know, while you were clambering onto the toilet.

I was

in the whole thing.

Yeah, I was the man.

Spoons in there.

Tray under there.

Are you in first class?

It's the day after the marathon.

You treated yourself.

You put your tickets early.

You won a little serviette behind your seat.

I am not in first class.

Ah, okay.

You're with the people.

I'm with the people.

Have you got a seat booked or are you just get on, sit anywhere?

Do have a seat booked.

There is nothing actually I like more than watching the wrath

of people who have seats booked and somebody is sitting in one of those seats, even when there are thousands of other empty seats.

It's like, how dare you?

It's a rage that is just very enjoyable.

So there was a lot of that.

There was a lot of that going on.

Okay, it's nice when you've got a seat and then you're watching it play out.

But sometimes you're on the Manchester to London and you've sat in a I don't know, Milton Keynes to London, so you're free until Milton Keynes and then you've got the nervousness of when Milton Keynes happens, and you're like, I love that adrenaline, though.

Yeah, that is true.

If you've got Manchester Stockport and they're not on by Stockport, as it leaves Stockport, you're like, I'm free, this is mine, no one will enter.

It's weird, isn't it?

The small pleasures

totally, Esther, does anyone see you, your state, and say, well done yesterday?

Are you still getting plaudits i had people going oh did the marathon also because my face was insanely red still a lot of people did a lot of this like oh it was hot a lot of pointing at their own face doing the circular thing and just going oh it was really hot yesterday and i was like yeah thank you thank you for pointing we haven't asked like how has it been getting from the hotel to pre did you walk this

walk that but very slowly Right.

And how is the hammy?

It's, do you know what?

It's fine, but if I try and like step up onto a pavement,

it's then like somebody stabbed me from under my buttock through to my lower back.

So boarding the train must have been quite a moment.

I never realized how this entire world is just made of steps.

It's like we're in fucking a Lego movie.

It's just wherever you go.

And it's like, even if there weren't steps there before, literally seconds as you're walking to it, it's like

all the steps form.

You're just like, oh, good.

No, more steps.

That's what I needed.

We noticed this when we took our two-month-old to Rome.

we were like there definitely weren't this many cobbles the last time we were here they've just cobbled this place and for a pram and a lot of steps absolutely terrible place to take a two-month literally the most famous place in the world for its steps like the steps of rome is a turn of phrase the cobbles

have been there we want to go to a nice flat place on holiday so we went to rome and we were really shocked

that there were stairs actually you could have just gone to Milton Keynes and it would have been absolutely come out of the train station.

To just go somewhere really toddler-friendly and not a lot of walking.

So we thought, yeah, Himalayas.

And we were really surprised.

Okay, so you've got on the train.

You're sad about that.

But now you're in your seat.

Have you got a table between?

Have you got a fora for the two of you?

No, we've got a tour.

Esther, you've only known this woman for six years.

Are you comfortable in silence with her on the journey back?

Or do you start doing word searches and crosswords?

We are comfortable in silence, but also we did chat.

I did feel quite nauseous, but we did chat because we were in so much pain we had to constantly talk it through.

And then we wanted to look at the photos, the official photos, which then sent me into probably, I was in a lot of pain anyway, but this made the pain horrific.

Because when I saw the photos, I was like, wow, wow, that's quite...

Because there's a lot of photos where they're on the floor.

And so I don't know if you've ever ever seen yourself with skin flapping in the wind in agony sunburnt and crying from under your chin it's not the most sensual yeah

people don't use that for their their bio do they yeah they're not like oh i really want a good under chin i had quite a lot of armpit bollock action a lot of kind of flappy armpit bollock happening just really sexy sexy like in your mind you think you look like fucking wonder woman running down the road and then when you see the image you're like jesus christ the problem is

because the only time you see a marathon on the tv is a major olympic event or whatever it's the same with football to be honest

and recently

a friend of mine filmed me basically fresh air like a ball came into the box so you're oh he's just got to smack it into the top corner here total but like a slow motion fresh air where it's one of the saddest i've been in recent years the only thing worse would be if someone or if someone filmed me doing it

i think that would be the only worse more embarrassing i'm just happy to have a mental image of what it probably looks like and i don't need to see this I find it a little bit like when people take photos of when you're on stage and I see other people who are so stoic and they just look so great and then I look clinically unhinged.

Like, that is not someone

I don't photograph well in marathons or on stage.

Do you think, like, it's the mental disappointment?

You know, when you get like, you're like, I'm so excited to see this video, or I'm so excited to see these pictures.

And it never, no, what you remember and what is visual, it's like hearing your own voice.

Fucking horrible.

Yeah, but the only thing I'd say to that is, if you see, and I wonder if this happens for the rest of my life.

Every time I see a picture of myself from five years ago, I go, I looked incredible then.

You know what I mean?

And probably in five years, so I'm going to look back on me now that looks like a decaying pumpkin that's been left out till December on someone's step.

And I'll be like, David, you look brilliant in.

2025.

No?

Well, okay, so maybe we'll just tell ourselves that.

Just go, look, I look shit now.

Yeah.

But in in 20 years, this is going to be the picture.

When we were in London and my wife was teaching at a primary school in Tower Hamlets, and then, you know, I'd like occasionally meet her after school.

We'd go for a coffee, whatever.

The next day, the kids would sometimes say, I saw you with your dad yesterday.

See, Jamie, that hurts, doesn't it?

How old's your wife?

She's like...

37.

Fucking hell.

Yeah.

I mean, she does look younger than me.

She is younger than me, and she does look younger than me.

I've had the opposite where I've been out with my dad, who is hitting 80, yeah, and people have gone, would you and your lovely wife?

And you're like, Are you fucking kidding me?

And also, it's like, yeah, I get it, I get it.

A younger woman might go out with an older Arab guy for money, but like this one, he hasn't got a pot to piss in.

So it's like, I'm going to go for one.

I'm going to go for a rich one.

I'm going to go for fucking.

So I have lucked out massively here.

My brother is six years older than me.

And someone said to him recently that he must be very proud about how well his son is doing in comedy.

That's me.

Oh my God.

I love it.

Absolutely love it.

I talk about this on stage.

But I showed my son a photo of when he was a baby.

My son's nine.

And I showed him a picture of when he was a baby.

And he literally just looked at it and went, who's the lady?

Oh, right.

Oh, we're like, with you.

I was thinking.

yeah, and he was going, but she's so pretty.

And I was like, Yeah,

and I was like, That's literally like, what, eight years ago?

And he was like, That's a phenomenal woman.

Look at you, you shell of an old thing.

And I was just like, Fuck him out.

Stop.

Like, I'm looking at you.

This is 48 hours after your sub-five-hour one-legged marathon.

You look incredible.

You look amazing now.

I will tell that to my son.

We can't see her from the waist down.

Let's be clear for the tapes.

We have no idea what those hamstrings are flapping away beneath the camera.

I want that as a cutaway.

We can't see her from the waist down.

She's not allowed that.

Yeah.

I'm just literally sat here in like a barrel of ice.

Okay.

We've got off the train.

What time is it, Esther?

We got on about half 11.

There was a very sweet older couple next to me and I particularly noted them because I thought, my God, I just want to smush you.

you know when there's just really cute old people

who are just they're so

I can't think of the word where they're just so polite about each other's feelings really considerate of each other it's like would you like this now no I'll have that later okay well you let me know and I'll and I was just like my god you're fucking cute range of emotions throughout the day And just when I want to fucking smash your face in you, that cute.

Fucking hell.

I can snog you, the pair of you.

And so we sat on the train planning our next marathon.

Wow.

So we were planning what we're going to do next.

And then we pulled into Euston.

What a terrible station.

Awful place.

It is.

Terrible.

Why is it so bad?

I feel like King's Cross.

I like it when you come to King's Cross.

There's always someone clinking on a piano.

So that's nice.

That's a nice little welcome into the city.

But there is no piano at Euston, you're right.

And fucking hell.

You never think about this before.

You come into Houston and it's a whole bloody uphill ramp to get into the station.

Shit.

So I am literally doing a sloth walk.

We're literally, my friend, I can't walk sideways because her knees gone and we've got our suitcases and people are really in a hurry, aren't they?

They're like,

let's go out.

Let's go out.

And you're just like,

I'm sorry.

It's London now.

No one gives a shit about your marathon.

Yeah.

And then I had to walk back here.

Yeah.

Came home.

And wanted more than anything, a hero's welcome.

Yes.

I would have given it to you.

No one cared.

Came through the door.

My husband was just like, hi.

Went back to his work.

And then he was like, can you pick up the boy?

I was like, yeah.

So then I dropped my suitcase off and then I shuffled down the street.

And then I bumped into my daughter and her mates walking home from school and she's like, oh, are you back?

And I was like, why does no one care?

Yeah.

This sounds like when I did live at the Apollo and afterwards, my dad was like, are you done now?

I was like, what does that mean?

Are we done with this now?

You need to sit down, the family, and make them listen to this podcast.

And then they will know the sacrifice you made, the struggle the whole next day.

They won't care.

So I went and got my boy.

And then I said to my daughter, I said, because she was going with her mates, and I said, just walk with me.

She wanted me to go and get the boy.

And she was just like, oh, okay, fine.

I had to bribe her that I'd get her ice cream.

And then she kept trying to change the subject.

So we were walking to my son's school and she was going, so today I had.

And I was like, yeah, I did this thing.

And she was going, yeah, cool.

So anyway, at break time, and I was just like, do not change the subject this is all we talk about now for weeks do you understand that CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships instead it's shorthand for customer rage machine your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours reboot your inner piece and scream into a pillow it's okay on the service now ai platform CRM stands for something better AI agents don't just track issues they resolve them transforming the entire customer experience so breathe in and breathe out.

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I'm trying to think: like, when's the first time at what age do you ask your parents a question that you're generally interested in what they did?

25 Dave?

They don't care.

18.

Like, when is it?

Kids do not.

I realize this.

They don't see you as a human being.

They genuinely don't.

They just are like, you don't feel things.

You're not a real person.

So it's like, yeah, cool.

And that's why when you're running and you see all these people going, oh, well done, mum, it's adult children whose parents are doing it.

Yeah, one girl yesterday when we were doing the marathon, she literally just stood there shouting out, going, I don't know why you're all bothering.

I saw a line of friends who all stood there bottles Prosecco and like perfectly poured pints.

And it was such a hot day.

And I literally just went past them going, you fucking lucky bastards.

And they were just like, oh, well.

I think you're struggling here or your daughter is struggling because you're such an achiever in life with your sea swimming.

For you to do a marathon is just like another day for her.

What's she done?

Bloody marathon now.

You know, you'll be like every other day, oh, I had to outswim a shark today to make it back to the coast.

I think this might be why she's not reacting.

I think kids just don't really take it on board.

I think when your parents do stuff, you just don't.

Literally, I've run consistently for like two years now.

It's like, come on, how much praise do you want?

You know, we've cheered you on at half marathons, we've cheered you on at marathons.

We don't need to, you know, fuck's sake.

She listens to this podcast.

Your daughter is always writing in, so she will really enjoy this.

And now maybe you'll be able to connect over this when she listens.

She's always writing in.

Yeah, we've brought families together, actually.

You know, we actually do more than that show with Nikki Campbell and Davina McCall.

We really do.

We really connect people.

Yeah, it doesn't do her fucking homework, but writes into this.

I don't think so.

The day children are writing in are well and truly gone.

If you can blink in through tick tock then maybe

okay so you get the boy you take him home he doesn't give a shit no we all went and got ice cream he doesn't give a shit he just went oh that's cool i went kayaking what are the ice creams the kids what are the kids having these days my girl got a magnum my boy got a fruit pastels lolly and i got a really old school classic do you remember the freeze pops

when you push it up from the from the bottom and you know what you'll probably know this because you're smart You know, you're sucking a freeze pot.

Which one of us there is to watch?

Yeah, which

I won't specify.

But

when you're sucking a freeze pot and like, you know, all the flavor then goes and you're just left with ice.

It's not two entities that have gone in.

So why does one entity leave and the other entity stays?

You put like, okay, coke into a lolly and it freezes.

Why does the coke all leave and then you're just left with water ice yes so they have different melting points the elements within the ice lolly so if you freeze something

i gc is when i stop science so stop me well i failed gcse i'm gonna say it's the water that it effectively removes the water from so what you're sucking out like you know the way sometimes you almost dying cox is absolutely shitting bricks from this podcast from the high level of sweet stuff, that's what comes out first.

Because you know the rush you get when you like.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you suck it all out and then you've got, and then the liquid at the bottom will be like the flavor of the liquid.

So I had a lemon and lime, let's say, right?

Well, let's say that's what happened.

So I had a lemon and lime ice pop and then it tasted lemon and lime, but then you had at the bottom like lemon and lime juice, but there was tasteless ice.

How does that happen?

I think, yes, we're going to have to say that neither of us are qualified to answer this question accurately.

I think I might be on the way with different melting points of different elements within the thing, but I'd like a scientist to get in touch with the pod and tell us.

Okay, so we get home.

We've had the scientific thought that cannot be answered.

We've had this scientific thought.

I've had a little catch up with the kids, asked them about their day, we've had a little chat.

And then when we get home, it's like, what do we do for dinner?

And it was a hot day yesterday, and I was thinking, do we get fish and chips yes but I didn't I made two dinners right because I thought I don't know if I can be asked for fish and chips because it's quite hot and in madness I ended up making myself and my husband a prawn curry and rice and then I made the kids meatballs and spaghetti shit that's two totally separate things yes but they do involve quite a lot of similar things in terms of you just chop onion and garlic yeah onion and garlic oil and then you just divide that off into two sections and then you put the sauce and the meatballs in one and then you put the prawn and all the spices in the other your house is like you know when you go to a pub in the middle of nowhere and it's like uh chicken and chips burger and chips veggie burger and chips and then bizarrely there's just like chow mein is the bottom one and all you know is never order the chow mein because it has nothing in common with the other elements yeah i have two two questions for you here.

So one is, you've had curry the night before.

So like, I wouldn't curry two nights in a row.

That would affect me downstairs.

Well, that's why I made two different dishes because I wanted to put loads of chili in the curry.

I wanted a really hot curry.

Right.

And like the kids would eat curry, but I can't put loads of chili in.

So I was like, I'll make two different dishes.

So I have had curry two nights in a row.

But I'd eat curry five days a week.

Seven, actually.

They're seven days.

My other question would be: if I'd made a prawn curry and spaghetti meatballs for the kids, and I wouldn't because one is three and only eats plain pasta, and one is 12 weeks old.

So I think meatballs are probably a step too far for Willie Rushdon at this stage.

I would want the meatballs.

I'd want the kids' dinner.

I'd be annoyed that I had a prawn curry.

The good thing about having kids is there's always leftovers.

So I ate my prawn curry and then they're leftovers.

Oh, wow.

You need to.

Do you remember Michael Phelps when he was so he had to have 5,000 calories a day to maintain his fighting weight before the Olympics.

So there's nights where he would calculate that he'd only had 4,000 and he'd have to go to McDonald's just before it shut at half 10 and just order four cheeseburgers to get the calorific intake.

You are like this.

You're in a huge calorie deficit, Esther.

I just think you should be eating right now.

I will as soon as we finish this podcast, I'm going to go straight to McDonald's and order 9,000 burgers.

Michael Phelps, of course, he famously, he would shit himself as he dived into the diver.

yeah yeah so you eat a prawn curry and then do you just have like a sole meatball as your dessert or do you have like a bit of past spieli meatball i'll tell you what i did i had prawn curry and then i ate the leftover pasta meatballs and then

i went to the shop and bought a huge bag of thai sensations crisps nice and a pot of tatsiki and ate that you can do it great it's totally legit oh and i had to clean out the rabbits oh that was a fucking debacle well hang on because i've got two house rabbits and my son has a hamster and i was like rabbits need to be cleaned out my son was like oh i can't be bothered to help i can't be bothered to help so that turned into a right row because i was like well because he was moaning about being hungry sorry this is just turning into esther's domestic meltdown no sorry he was moaning about being hungry but i was like well i've got to clean out the rabbits so if you want dinner you clean out the rabbits and i'll crack on with dinner but i'm not going to clean out the rabbits and then cook dinner and then have you stood over me moaning that you're hungry like you're not fucking lord of the dance so then he cleaned out the rabbits in the most huffly way i've ever seen anyone do anything.

How old is he?

He's nine.

Right.

And did he do a good job?

I mean, if you want sawdust pretty much from here to Azerbaijan, then yeah, it's a fine, fine job.

Do the rabbits take...

So I know nothing about rabbits.

Right.

I know what they look like.

I've drawn a few in my time.

Let me rephrase that.

You know, a few things about rabbits.

Do they, are they like cats?

Are they clean?

do they shit in a little tray

so weirdly my husband has trained them to go in a litter tray

is that something you can't normally do to rabbits does he have a sort of special skill i don't know how he did it he got a litter tray and he puts cat litter in it and the rabbits go in the litter tray because we can't we did have the rabbits in the garden but the foxes everybody who's had rabbits all the foxes have just ripped in and ate them so now they've got to be inside so we had to train them to be house rabbits do you think they're the only two rabbits who have been trained to do this?

No, I'm sure many have.

Right, I see.

I was just trying to work out the extent of your husband's ability and whether he should sort of market this.

I'm sure many, many, many have because house rabbits are quite a common thing, but I don't know enough about it to give you any tips.

That's fine.

I was not involved in the process.

And was it an overnight thing, or did you say you have to go away for two weeks and you came back?

I think he trained them when I was away at Edinburgh Fringe.

Wow.

Can they do anything else?

Like,

if they have other discernible skills, they can, yeah, they can build

and dig.

Do the rabbits have the run of the house?

How do house rabbits work?

Can they just appear at any given moment?

Yeah, we've got two rabbits.

We've got a boy rabbit who's perfect and really well behaved.

And then we've got a female rabbit who is fine, but when she thinks she's pregnant, because we haven't had her spade, she goes insane and she will try and build a nest.

And that's when it gets a bit dicey.

Right.

And she literally just will tear up anything that she can.

So you can't leave anything out.

So if I left a pair of shoes out, she would just bite and bite and bite until she got through it.

And then you just find bits of trainer in her corner.

If you like had a heavy night and fell asleep on the sofa, she'd kill you.

She'd eat you.

She would, yeah.

She would strangle me with her threads.

She's

just rip you to stress.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She would go to fucking town on me.

She is adorable though.

She looks like a lint bunny she's the cutest bunny but she is right i feel quite affiliated with her we're both unhinged women just clawing and scrabbling in this house yeah sorry one more question if you were watching the telly will the rabbits come down or do they keep themselves to themselves like murderers keep themselves to themselves yeah we're just like really british neighbors the boy rabbit will actually come and jump onto your lap wow so that you sit and stroke him while but he only does that to my husband because he well he knows why because

but the girl rabbit the only person that can really control her is me and we did once put them in nappies was that before they were trained or that was because i was feeling really broody and they're the closest things i've got to babies now

so

My husband was like, I just know I'm going to come down and find you trying to breastfeed these rabbits.

I was like, they're my dad.

David was about to say, How far down the road did you go?

Like, did you like, did you wake them up every night, like on the hour, every hour for like stick two years?

Yeah, did you enroll them in a local school?

Did you move house to get them into a better school?

I've made little blazers for them.

They'll be starting school soon.

My little babies.

She's a one.

She's a one, always giving us the pregnancy scare.

Oh, she's a nightmare, that one.

So the rabbits are cleaned, and then you have dinner.

Then I had to do the hamster.

Okay.

Not much to that though.

Is the hamster shit in a toilet?

What's your husband done?

The hamster's quite easy.

So had to clean it.

But that was painful because it was a lot of bending down.

And so I was getting really, really ratty with the kids because I was just like, this is really painful.

You're really annoying me because you're not helping out.

Esther, I'm going to say, sorry, last point on this.

In the terms and conditions of getting this menagerie of animals for your kids would have been, and you fuckers are going to be in charge of the cleaning and feeding.

And they would have been like, absolutely, mummy, we will, of course we will.

Three times a day, we will get the place ship shape.

And so speaks every single parent that has ever, ever taken on a pet.

You will clean out these animals.

And we promise we'll love them forever.

And then you are just up to your knees in rabbit droppings going well this was exactly what i wanted in life i would say once you've put nappies on the rabbits all bets are off

i know

i know but they look so cute is the tie sensations crisps a big pack is it just a normal pack it's a big pack no big family pack okay good family pack but i'm having that alone did you go in and say a sleeping bag of crisps please

i don't understand that's the size that's the name of the oh a sleeping bag.

Sleeping bag of crisps, please.

I don't know about your shops, but in shops in England, you go and pick up the item before you go and pay for it.

No, in Ireland, it's an old

house coat and there's shelves behind him.

You have to go up and ask for every individual.

I'd like a quart of lard

and your finest bag of crisps, sire.

I just went and picked up the crisps I wanted and nobody asked me to clarify anything about them.

Okay.

She did make a joke going, because I also bought a bottle of wine.

And she just went, all you need now is sanitary towels.

So she'd made an assumption.

See, this, as a man, you never get this sort of bonding with just the person in the shop.

You know, what would be the equivalent would be if I were to buy, buy, you know, a giant bar of chocolate, a porno mag and six cans of cobra.

They'd be like, you're struggling with that breakup, are you, son?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There'll be a true crime dog about you soon, son.

Okay, we get we get them back.

Do we watch something or are you just happy to sit there in silence with these animals leaping around you?

No, the animals now, so we've got a bookshelf and the rabbits have now decided that when they're not in their hutch, they go and sit snuggled together on the bottom of the bookshelf.

Cute.

It's nice.

It's ridiculous.

It's so fucking cute.

So they're on the bookshelf.

The kids are with me and my son actually decided to play a game where he would create his own office.

So he built an office just out of different bits and pieces and then he set that up.

in front of the TV and then we watched the office.

American office or American.

We're working our way through the American office.

Yeah.

Does he enjoy that?

Is he the right age?

Yeah, he loves that.

Great.

Yeah, both of them love it.

And my husband dug a hole in the garden.

Uh-oh.

What shape?

What the rabbit's been up to?

I tell you what,

it had the shape of a woman with a very long toe.

So I'm not reckoning my chances.

He's digging a trench in the garden.

It's his little project, and we're all happy he's got it.

So let him crack on.

We're not 100% what's happening.

We don't fully understand, but we never do.

What's about nine at night?

It's nine o'clock at night, isn't it?

What time is it?

It's about eight o'clock, eight o'clock at night.

He's digging a little bit every day.

Every day.

It's a little bit like Shawshank Redemption.

Yeah.

Has he cut the holes in his pockets?

Or does he walk around the house just sprinkling earth everywhere?

It's drainage, Astra.

I bet it's drainage.

He wants to build a patio.

So he's trying to dig away, all the lawn away from the side of the house.

But I don't know how far he's...

I mean, I don't get involved.

I don't get involved.

I'm just happy.

He's happy.

He's just digging and he's happy.

So he's digging his hole.

And then we finished off watching a couple of episodes of The Office.

And then it's bedtime.

Do you feel like is the bed calling you?

You know what I mean?

Have you're still obviously getting over the exertions of the day before?

Not that this has been a pretty active day with

the train and school and everything.

Yeah.

I did feel like I was really excited to get into bed.

And then I propped my leg up on a foam roller.

So it gave it a little bit of elevation.

And

then I just

listened to a bit of a podcast and then went to sleep.

A couple of questions.

Obviously, what podcast?

What did you listen to?

I listened to a podcast called Watch What Crappens.

Right.

Hmm.

Which is two guys

who recount reality TV, but they do impressions of every single person in the show.

And it's really funny.

It's so funny.

So all the real housewives, all those like bravo reality TV shows.

I'll make another observation, which is people have come on our podcast in the past, Max, and talked really emphatically about other podcasts a lot.

So I do worry that a lot of our listeners' takeaway is like, oh yeah, no, forget this podcast.

We're moving on now to whatever Pierre Novelli said we should listen to.

That one sounds good, though.

I could listen to that while Jamie is watching the actual show.

So is it head on the pillow straight out?

Yeah, I just, I have to fall asleep listening to a podcast to stop the crazies coming in.

And what does the hole digger feel about that?

Does he have to listen to it or have you got headphones on?

Well, what he didn't like is that

I used to be really obsessed with listening to True Crime to go to sleep.

And he would fall asleep.

And I would have my headphones, my earpods in with True Crime playing.

And then

the earpod will fall out.

And so then he would wake up with the voice going into his ear going, and then her body was dragged.

And he's like, this is now fucked up my sleep, but you're now snoring away because you're mentally unwell.

You're asleep Esther that's that's the end of our job we've done it that's it and that was my day yesterday thank you Esther thanks for coming on thank you for having me

so there is Esther Menito's day how do you do a map how do you if your hamstring pops your hamstring pops that's time to stop that is time that is I'm stopped I'm like I'm with you I'm pointing to the subs bench doing that with my fingers.

Yeah, because football is where I get most of my sporting kind of ideas from.

And so I'm, this is the equivalent of her, who's a famous player with a bloody bad, maybe Terry butcher.

Butcher, yeah, with where they've just tape up my head, I'm going back on.

That's basically her, but for five hours.

Oh my God.

And actually, I love that.

I woke up in terrible pain, and my friend was in terrible pain.

And then I, you know, until the cogs clicked and we worked out why,

my mind was wondering.

I think you'll be able to relate to this more than me with your numerous marathons brackets to

it's the day after and no one gives a shit.

Yeah, actually, once you've gone sort of just a little bit out, you know, if you do the London marathon, if you're a pub in sort of, you know, Piccadilly, you know, or Soho, people would see you with the medal and be like, great.

But like, once your three stations out, no one gives a fuck.

They're just, you know, they're just getting on with their day.

Like, nothing.

That's so funny.

Her kids, not a, can you pick me up?

Can we get an ice cream?

What's for dinner?

Like, just back down to reality.

She's just run, what, how many miles?

26.

15 miles with one hamstring.

Like, so, like, that it's like, everyone should embrace you.

Siga Ross should be playing as she crosses the line.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

That's what should be happening.

Oh, yeah.

Loved that day.

That was Liz Esther.

Thank you, Esther.

If anyone knows the science of why in a cool pup, the water is what you get out first, leaving the delicious syrup in the bottom.

Is it just to do with the weights of the different...

Listen, I think if I'd said my theory with more conviction,

everyone would have just agreed because I think I...

I mean, I may be wrong.

It's happened before.

We've established I know nothing.

But I think I might be right about this.

Different melting points of different things in a thing.

If anyone is listening to this in a white lab coat, could they please get in touch?

And here is how you do that.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform and if you didn't please don't

I think I'm right about it

this is the saddest

the saddest

yes

I'm sure good for you good for you Max who cares who cares doesn't matter

Also, there is a way of finding out, which is simply to type maybe five words into a thing, but I prefer to leave it in the category of we'll never know, Max.

We, there's no way.

Thank you, David.

Let's do it again sometime.

Thanks, Max.

Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son: Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.