WDWDY #18: C'est la fin du fromage

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Rules and restrictions apply.

Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to Midweek Mayhem, an exciting, well, a nervous episode, David, because it is the episode after the episode before, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

I know.

I would call them faceless cowards, Max, but I know their names.

Their names are there.

And their faces.

And their faces are there.

They're faithful, brave people who have been, to the listeners who missed the last episode.

Well, to listeners who've missed the last 20 or so episodes, we've been trying to guess the five O'Dahidi family Christmas cheeses for all of this year.

As we do every year.

As we will every year going forward.

I coined the phrase they're just normal cheeses.

And then it was revealed in a supermarket last week that one of them is not a normal cheese.

Yeah.

They're not just normal cheeses, is they're not.

They're mostly normal cheeses.

Ian says, this is the worst thing someone in the public eye has ever done.

no exceptions.

No exceptions.

No exceptions.

Really?

No exceptions.

Normal cheese is my ass.

May your cheddar always be mild, says Ian.

Dan says, Curdle, what did you fondo yesterday?

Brie or no Brie?

Now a PR disaster.

Competition integrity in question.

If Big Brother has taught us anything, it'll get picked up again numerous times by Channel 5.

Yes.

Not sure who this one was from.

I think it was sent to you, but I didn't get the name.

So my apologies.

It says the start of this episode gave me such a fright.

I was anxiously listening, hoping DOD wasn't to let Max and his boring enthusiasm loose on the world alone.

But then it was far, far worse.

The lies, the deceit.

Shall I continue?

Hang on, let's just focus in on you

on your own doing this.

So, I mean, people were because we did, I read an apology, but you didn't know what I was apologizing for until midway through it.

So it did cross many listeners' minds that I was about to leave.

Yeah.

In which case, do you think you would have just sailed the ship alone?

What I would have done,

I would have just got someone else in and not mentioned it.

Oh, no.

I think that's what you'd have to do.

If you left, I'm trying to think of any Irish broadcasters I know come to mind, but I would have just found somebody, maybe not even Irish, just found somebody else.

Maybe someone called David.

That would help.

I would have found another David, and then I could have just say, How are you, David?

And we completely did.

Who would it have been?

Well, could I have maybe your three-year-old son?

He could have just filled in temporarily, you know what I mean?

Done some of his riffs on tractors.

Maybe Letterman.

I'd have gone to Letterman.

And I wouldn't have referenced at all that it was David Letterman.

I'd just be like, How are you, David?

And people would be like, This is strange.

It's like Piers Brosnan doing that accent.

It's not, it doesn't sound like David O'Dougherty, but we'll go with it.

Roy says, hang on, hang on.

Listeners, if I had gone, who's your favorite David to replace me?

Oh, that's a good question.

You know, Dimbleby.

Dimbleby would be good, eh?

What about Dimbas?

Is he still around?

I hope so.

I hope so.

We can't animate David Dimbleby, can we?

How about strings and wires?

David and Albandian, former Argentinian winner of the French Open, maybe

done.

Absolutely done.

Hear more David Ferrer.

It's one of the two.

It would just be famous Davids who played tennis to a high level.

We'd just see how we go on.

Would David now banny?

Imagine if he was a hit.

Imagine if it was like, wow, this guy, he's got these stories.

Oh, I'm quite excited.

Could we get him on?

At least let's get him on and find out how his yesterday was.

Roy says, I applaud your honesty and grace in owning up to the cheese normalcy misrepresentation.

But it's worth remembering: just as every today is yesterday that hasn't happened yet, every cheese is normal to someone.

You should forgive yourself and move on towards tomorrow.

Hashtag normal cheeses.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, let's move on.

Owen, a very quick message just said,

I feel for the family of that poor locksmith and what they must be going through

with reference to the locksmith who I cancelled his call as he was on his way to make his millions.

Yeah, and now there he is with no food on the table.

You're making me feel guilty.

You paid him $12 or something.

$29.

$29.

I paid him the call-out fee.

That's fine.

But he didn't have to do anything, and he has yet to say thank you.

Someone did get in touch to say, You're right.

He should have said, Thanks.

You've given me $29 for just driving half the way to my house.

Like, that's

ridiculous.

I gave him that much money.

All we want is decency.

All I ask for is some civility in locksmithing.

That's your campaign.

That's the hill you will die on.

100%.

As far as I know now, the way I feel is they are the rudest profession, the locksmith.

Most of the time they're trying to fleece you.

They're trying to bleed you dry.

They're trying to take advantage of your misfortune.

And then when you're generous enough to say, I understand, I've led you down the garden path, but not all the way to the door because I don't need, because I'm already in the house.

I give you some money just for that.

Absolutely nothing.

He may not be representative of all locksmiths, of course.

We have reached out to the Locksmith Association.

They're yet to make a statement.

On the Joel Dommit episode,

we were talking about showering naked with other men and how there are some places where it is completely normal to shower naked with other men and others where it's not.

And I was talking about my housemate, but also my football teammate, JK, saying totally normal to shower naked with him at the football.

Really not normal to just jump in the shower with him at home.

He put a message in our friends WhatsApp group saying who said romance isn't dead.

His wife Amy had texted him to say, just listen to Max talking about your penis.

Just use the aubergine emoji on this podcast.

Can you pick up some milk on your way home?

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, go through everyone on your phone.

Whose dong have you seen?

Whose dong have you not seen?

Maybe an idea for another episode.

That's a whole podcast in itself.

Just get a guest on.

We just go through your entire phone.

Celebrities, not celebrities.

Have you seen them naked from the waist down?

Have you seen their bits?

That's the name of the podcast.

Have you seen their bits?

Yes or no?

We ask a no, we ask no

further questions.

Just go on.

Get your phone out now, David.

We'll get on to Lineker for the rest of bits.

Which

bitch is just.

Have you seen their?

yeah, that's such a great podcast.

Tim Hanman is on.

Yes, no, no, no, yes, no.

The thing is, right, you would listen.

You'd be so intrigued.

You'd listen.

There are some bits of my phone that are just littered with sort of, I mean, the answer would mainly be no, wouldn't it?

There'd be a lot of no's.

There'd be so many no's.

But just sometimes you've just got a lot.

I've got a lot of footballers.

In a row.

Let me tell you where the rubber hits the road here, Max, which is some years ago.

I'd just done the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

and went straight to the west of Ireland to Granny's old cottage where my parents were.

So, you know, plain lands, 200-mile drive.

I want to see the lads.

But my thought the whole way was, I want to get in the Atlantic Ocean.

I want to wash away a month of art and debauchery here.

We went down to the beach with mum.

And as you sort of went down like the cliffy bit i was pulling off my t-shirts you know what i mean firing the shoes like two lovers except one of them's you and one's your mum so so you know and get down to just undies

and i normally i'm a very kind of similar to the bath thing normally in the coldness of the atlantic i also take my time to dunk but not in this situation i'm just relentlessly walking out and like screaming at the horizon like, yes!

And dunked under, did a couple of minutes of that sort of weird, not quite breaststroke that people do when they're in the sea that's too cold.

All the time just thinking, how soon can I get out?

And this will have been a swim.

Yeah.

I get out

and

mom takes a photo of me on her phone.

I look good.

You know, I look pretty good.

You don't have to lie, you do look good.

I look good.

I'm in my undies.

I'm in boxer shorts.

Mom obviously thinks I look good because she goes to the chemist and she gets this printed out.

This picture of like me.

It's because it's a good lat.

It's the Atlantic, there's crashing waves and stuff.

And it's probably about 2016 as well.

So it's a good era for my six-pack.

And I was punching my six-pack as I said that.

And put it up in the fridge.

Don't know who noticed at first, but just the very tip of my dong is peeping out because I'm just in boxer shorts with the classic little

hole at the front.

You don't think about it.

And also, it's so sub-zero.

The temperature, you certainly, you don't feel anything.

I'm just, I'm in love with life.

I'm standing on the beach.

Yeah.

And then the little lad is also, he's just getting in the picture as well.

So during the soccer and glory years, we used to get all the forces, wherever they were, would like sending photos of themselves in, you know, football kits.

And we'd say, we're not just, don't you support you on Christmas Day?

We just do the forces photos.

It was like 30 seconds each week.

And so they'd all go out and, you know, they're in Germany or...

Camp Bastion or whatever.

You know, I'm a Shrewsbury fan, whatever.

And then we're in an ad break and the producer says, you might have to apologize when we come out of the break.

And we're like, why is that?

And he just goes, yeah,

cocking the forces photos.

And we're like,

so like, no one's seen it.

You know, assistant producer, producer, execut producer, they've just, you know, because it's just, it's just a montage of photos.

No one's seen it.

And we're like, you do realize if we apologize for this, so many more people.

Every single person will rewind their Sky Plus.

You know what's going to happen.

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Come into your local store today.

We've had some lovely feedback from the Pierre Novelli episode, which I really enjoyed.

Most fun was a chat on one of our Instagrams about No Context Yesterday, who, you know, likes the pod and puts up sort of quotes from it.

I've been thinking of three-time U.S.

Senator Woolly Booze all day.

To which Ultra Mod 2 says, F.

Pennington Woolly Booze, Senator Democrat from North Carolina, 1925 to 1943, great supporter of the building project for the gladiator class of battlecruisers and an opponent of anti-lynching laws.

To which Pierre said, yes, exactly, World War I vet, but one of the weird bits like the Alps or Japan liaison.

Ultra Mod says, studied history at Princeton under the tutelage of Woodrow Wilson.

Before he went into politics, he goes by Woolly despite being a tobacco family aristocrat from the Piedmont.

Because you need the common ground touch ever since the Senate went to the popular vote in 1913, regarded as a relative progressive on issues of government, support for critical industries, and even in some circumstances, protection of workers, but also an exceptionally virulent racist.

What a character.

So this was all because he put jumpers and whiskey into the same box and the bottles might smash.

Woolly booze.

Woolly booze.

Becca says, hello yesterday, boys.

This is referring to my boring energy.

The person who said Max has boring energy is entirely wrong.

I wonder if they were getting confused because of how Max looks rather than the energy he gives off.

You don't look boring.

Hang on, Becca says, she clarifies it.

If you were a witness to a crime and you'd agreed to work with a police sketch artist, but for some reason you sympathized with the perpetrator and didn't want them to be identified, Max looks like the sketch you would instruct the artist to draw in order for it to be the least helpful identification tool possible.

But in terms of energy, Max is surprisingly really fucking weird.

I'm fully on board with it.

I absolutely love the pod.

How should I take this, David?

Yeah, I don't know.

Is she saying that you're the most generic looking person?

Yeah, maybe.

You're a handsome lad, Max.

That's very kind of you.

You look great.

I have a real selection of look-alikes.

I get sort of from Ryan Reynolds at one end to Gordon Brittas and Screech from Save by the Bell and Nigel from East Enders on the other.

It's quite, yeah, I can see, I can see it's quite a generic face.

I'm okay with that.

I think that's fine.

Whereas I am the inventor of Tetris.

You are.

Chris O'Dowd, that used to happen more, but that was,

I don't think we ever looked that much alike.

We were just two disheveled Irish guys, so people would sort of to the point where, you know, I've been in photos with people who were like, please, Chris.

Or at the end, they say, thanks, Chris.

Did you ever think, I hope they need to cast his brother in a thing?

I was once offered a thing that I couldn't do where I think I was his brother.

Wow.

Yeah, but I was gigging.

It's to the detriment of my acting career, which has I've done much.

My last acting gig was about four years ago.

I was in Sam Campbell's sketch, online sketch thing.

Yeah, that's not a Hollywood movie.

I mean, I like Sam, of course.

Shuffleboard Sam Campbell, big fan.

I look like there's a ceramic lion in Edinburgh Museum that multiple people have sent me.

Like, I think it's, it's, I think the essence of my look is a sort of slightly rounded, doughy face, a kind of gourmless expression, and thick eyebrows.

So I think if you have those three elements present, even at a ceramic lion, it does look a bit like me.

At least, dear Max and David, yesterday I was on safari in Yala National Park, Sri Lanka.

Approaching the final hour of the safari, we stopped at a refreshment station.

I went for a vanilla milkshake, a rogue choice in 30 Celsius.

But more on that later.

On a two-hour bus journey back to Gaul, starting to feel unwell, I decided to listen to the Joel Domet episode to act as a distraction.

With around 15 minutes left of the journey, I decided that I could no longer hold back said vanilla milkshake.

Signaling to my girlfriend to stop the coach immediately, I sprunted down the aisle of the bus and out the door, projectile vomiting on a Sri Lankan roadside while locals and a bus full of tourists laughed on.

Once relieved and coming to, it dawned on me I hadn't had the chance to remove my earphones through this ordeal.

The traumatic event had been soundtracked to Max's declaration that he does not, in fact, shave his pubis.

And Joel had reached a certain level of wealth that he has two separate hair trimmers.

We can't be sure what caused the vomiting, dodgy milk or Max's pubis.

All I know for certain is I refuse to listen to the final 20 minutes of said episode in case the sickness bug returns.

P.S., an idea for a series three, Max Books footballers who share a surname with David's comedian friends who've appeared on the pod: Paul Dommit, Leon Osman, Shane Long, Rhys James, etc.

Keep up the good work, Lee.

The only time I've ever sprinted to the top of a coach pleading with the driver to stop

was

blank cassettes used to be a more precious thing than people probably

have any idea that they are now, the younger people.

And so you would have something on your blank cassette and you would tape over it with something else, you know.

you'd get a reasonable sound quality.

So I was getting a bus to a sort of a, it was like a private bus, but a private bus company bus where the driver was nice.

There was 20 people on it to visit my friend in Athlone.

This is the year after school.

And he'd said, does anyone have any music they want us to put on?

Put your tape on the top.

Yeah, put your tape on the front.

Yeah.

So I had given him, I think it was...

the violin femmes album, a classic of that era.

Now, that album I had taped over.

It turned out,

and I remembered this midway through the last song in a, oh no, oh my god, no.

In order to remember poetry for the leaving certificate school exam, the one you take when you're 18 in Ireland, I had recorded myself reciting the poems in a slightly funny voice.

Someone had said this is a good technique for

literally the album, whatever the last song on that album is, ends,

and then the panic rises in me.

And I remember it was, it was, is it Hardy's?

When I set out for Lioness, the rhyme was on the spray.

Like, just inexplicable as to what this is.

There's no point in trying to explain this.

There was instead just a sprint up to the top to eject it from the thing.

And then just back down to my seat again with me

doing poetry in a funny voice.

Sorry.

This is similar, not quite the same, but it's a tiny detail from the Joel Domet love triangle that was omitted.

Oh, the first dinner that the girl in question invited me to was after a very strange channel 4 T4 type gig that she'd been singing at.

So me and her mate went and it was just lots of teenagers and we stood upstairs and we left because it was a bit weird and then she didn't message me and we went and had a McDonald's actually.

Then she said, oh, I'm at at this Chinese restaurant.

Like, we got to the restaurant, and I'm there's an empty chair opposite her, but there's like 20 people.

You know, the drill for these dinners.

Anyway, at some point, she says, Oh, do you know this song?

And I say, I'm not really a muso or whatever, but she said, Have you got your phone?

I said, Yes, and I handed her my phone.

But I'd been out with some friends that afternoon, oh shit, going, This is who I'm going to meet.

So, when she opened, when she opened Google on my phone, it was a picture of her face on Google Images

And the word married afterwards.

Net worth.

I was like, oh, God.

Some mushroom stuff.

Quickly, before we get on to Curdle, Bethan in Canberra, Australia says, Hi, Max and David.

I was talking to my husband about David's mushroom growing adventures, and he wanted me to share a warning story with you.

My husband used to grow oyster mushrooms in his bathroom using a very similar method to David.

A few years after he'd stopped growing them, he went into the bathroom to find oyster mushrooms growing from the wall.

Apparently, they spread their spores really easily, so you shouldn't keep them for too long, or your house might turn into a giant mushroom.

Beware the spores.

Love the pod.

When my baby was a newborn, your voice was the only thing that stopped him crying in the car.

So we spent many hours driving around listening to the early episodes of What Did You Do Yesterday?

Love from Bethany.

It was a fear of mine.

So if the listeners would like a mushroom update, please.

The two bags are called Mushy and mushy to.

Okay, so

original mushy, I put in a cupboard.

He started to sprout and then went crazy.

The mushrooms turned into spaghetti tentacles like a nightmare.

And I messaged the mushroom man, and the mushroom man said, Yeah, you shouldn't have had them in a cupboard.

That's an oxygen death problem.

So I put them in a new location just under a dresser in the kitchen.

But I got out the mold and mildew killer and

sprayed up that cupboard then because

like there is something about mushrooms, although they're you know seen as this delightful

it could save mankind because they're deeply untrustworthy, aren't they?

Let's be

I'm so scared of them at all times.

Any creak I hear in the house is the mushroom has gained sentience, it has absorbed AI.

It's coming to get me.

Now, that said,

I had the last laugh by

mushy, bag mushy.

I put a new hole in him and a huge, huge oyster mushrooms started to come out of him.

Wow.

Okay.

I looked up YouTube's for the most delicious way to cook oyster mushrooms.

Seemed pretty unanimous, that it was loads of garlic, loads of oyster sauce as well, bits and pieces of ginger, stuff.

So people throw in a little bit of salt, a little bit of sugar, stuff like that.

Did it.

Absolutely delicious.

So I have now eaten them.

Bag two is coming.

And thank you to the mushroom sprit spot, which continues to remind me three times a day that I need to go and squish mushy two.

Alan says, hi, Max and David.

I was listening to your latest midweek mayhem episode during which you were discussing David's new mushroom venture.

The midweek pods are ideal for me as I always have Wednesday off work for childcare swimming lessons, general errands.

While en route to a BNQ to pick up some weed killer, I couldn't help my mind wandering thinking about David's description of his mushrooms growing and he has since stated he has had to take a shelf out of the cupboard to allow them room to grow.

How long will it be before these mushrooms have their own room with David needing to sell 17 bikes to turn his garage into a mushroom?

This coupled with your request for listeners to send in jingles if this became a regular feature led me to instantly penning this effort in my car in a BNQ car park.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alan from a BNQ car park in Cumbernauld

with his mushroom jingle.

Let's have a listen.

How big will they grow?

Nobody knows.

Is there a

campaign for a mushroom?

Thanks, Alan.

He's got a drum kit in his car.

It's tremendous.

He's done all of that.

That was so good.

It was

Granddaddy or a band that I like.

I wonder if that was the aesthetic that he was going for with the really bombastic drums in the background and him quite quietly.

Now, maybe that was just because he was at the BQ car park, and you can't give it welly when you're in that situation.

But that was a beautiful.

I'll play it to the mushrooms later.

Yeah, wonderful.

Let us know how it goes.

Thank you, Alan.

Should we play Curdle?

And it has been a game riddled with revelation scandals and controversies in recent weeks.

T-N-J-N-C.

They are not just normal cheeses.

It is a one-cheese board.

Let's play Curdle.

five

four

three

two

one

This week it is the turn of Roxanne and Felix.

Hello, my son Felix and I are submitting a guess based on the many context clues from the latest midweek mayhem.

The mega clue of sheep's cheese during David's heartfelt PR apology blew the lid right off the the investigation.

We also learned it needed to be a cheese that Max thought was weird but that David insisted was just a normal cheese.

Feta, question mark?

All right.

Yeah.

It's a bit cheeky isn't it?

How dare you?

They've worked me out.

Mr.

Identicate from a lineup.

What's this?

Feta cheese?

Yeah, I do not understand what this is.

You are getting hammered in the mildest possible way, which maybe fits your personality.

You are getting absolutely rinsed again and again.

But I'm getting rinsed so painfully accurately that my friends absolutely love it.

Surely a dinner in a box company has mailed Max Fetter in some form.

Lanchedo!

Another tasty normal, not normal cheese, but only when grilled.

And that seems like too much hassle for a cheese board.

We already knew the board had two firm cheeses, one goat cheese and one stinky cheese, which meant that the final cheese was most likely the creamy, soft variety.

The cheese we are submitting is described as, quote, an alternative to Brie, which the board was missing, but French Brie has already been ruled out.

This type of cheese also has a cute little cartoon sheep on its packaging.

Additionally, it's French, giving David the opportunity to brag about his French accent.

I sincerely hope we are wrong so this game can continue forever.

We believe that the five cheeses.

Hang on.

Yeah.

Do you want to go through them all?

Well, yeah, we have to do the five cheeses.

Yeah.

The five cheeses.

Okay, fine.

I thought you were just going to read out the fifth one there.

No, no, no, no, no.

Otherwise, if they don't guess five, they don't get it right either.

Okay, good.

We believe the five cheeses from the Odoherty Family Cheese Board are as follows.

Would you like to be join?

Bizoing!

Cashell Blue.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Manchego.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Goat.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Compter.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Please, Roxanne, take me out of this hell that I am in now since the apology.

Brebe rous Dajental, aka French sheep's cheese.

Oh my God.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

That's it.

That's it.

You've got it.

Thanks, everyone, for playing.

Thank you, Roxanne and Felix.

You win the Nissan Micro.

And we look forward to playing on Boxing Day.

2025.

I think it's been a great success.

And listen, you may or may not know this, but I quite like dragging something out.

To think it is now day of recording, the 28th of April.

Yeah.

That has been.

I've had a child that's now basically moving around

since we started curdle.

The unfinished curdle.

It's been a wonderful journey.

I'm glad to have been part of it.

And I'm just happy that your as-yet unnamed child can now be called Breberus Dargental,

which there'll be a lot of bullying, I would say, in school, but he will maintain it's a soft French sheep's cheese with a slightly yellowy orange wax around it.

People say it's pretentious, but I don't really understand what they

understand what they mean.

Brebby, Brebby, Brebby, supper's ready, Brebby.

Right, it's my day.

Let me just congratulations to Roxanne and Felix, and we will obviously send you the reeking Nissan Micro that's in Max's drive.

Also tickets to our first ever live show this coming September.

It was my day.

We're doing my day, David.

Great.

So I woke up yesterday at 5.45 a.m.

in Ian's bed

with a slightly sore shoulder.

The bed is too short for me.

I regret not buying him a queen-size bed.

Someone got in touch and said, just get him a king-size mattress, put him on the floor.

That's actually a really great idea.

The knees, I have to sort of bend my knees a bit too much, has to be on one side.

That's a bit, I'm a bit tired.

Anyway, I retire to my own bed, but I still think it's worth saying that.

6.21 is the official Ian awake time.

This is good.

This has moved on, Max.

In the six months we've been doing this, he has advanced a clear 21 minutes.

So we're impressed.

Ian's awake.

I'm awake.

I think for a minute, because I think I was in bed late.

Yeah, I think my radio had finished a bit late on Saturday night.

So I thought maybe Jamie will say, I'll go.

But for reasons which will become apparent, I definitely was right to go.

So I get up, Jamie and Willie stay asleep.

I put a cartoon on for Ian.

It's a New Zealand cartoon called Kiri and Lou.

I think they might be elephants.

They may just be woodland creatures of some sort.

I leave Ian on the sofa and I sit on the toilet.

and discover that Cambridge United had been relegated.

The way I do this is I get the Cambridge United Twitter page and I close my eyes and scroll back loads and then I do my own little minute-by-minute.

We need to win away at Burton to have any chance.

And we have a man sent off after 45 minutes.

They have a man sent off.

They score.

We score.

They score in due time.

We're down.

What are we down?

What are the you're down to?

League two.

Oh, division four.

Yeah, we're now into the uh, we're now in sort of the lowest professional league, or you know, of the EFL, the lowest league of the EFL.

But it's okay.

I'll be okay.

They send, I'm sent this video multiple times of two very sad Cambridge fans, one with a drum, crying in an empty stadium in Burton.

Shit, I feel for them.

I sit behind Ian and I watch highlights of the FA Cup semifinal between Crystal Palace and Aston Villa and the rest of the Premier League games, sort of rattle through them.

I make him porridge.

He eats it.

That's good.

That's a step up from just plain oats.

And I am trying to have a healthy breakfast because of all these people that you keep getting on the podcast.

So I'm having Wheatabix with flaxseed and chia seed and other bits of dirt, assorted dirt.

Max, sorry, can I just, I think your son's breakfast is healthier than yours, though.

Oh, by a long way, yes.

I feel the wheatbix slash wheatbix

maybe isn't the best base.

It's probably quite a processed.

Oh, Wheatabix can't be bad.

If Weetabix is bad, then we're all fucked.

You can't tell me Weetabix is bad.

I mean, I put some things on it that are bad, but the base level that is surely that's good

when you look at Weetabix the best before is like 2038.

I just don't know if wheat is supposed to be like that.

It's just wheat and bicks.

That's all it is.

It's just normal wheat.

It's just

normal wheat and bicks.

Just let me have my wheatabix.

So we sort of, you know, there's general trying to get everyone dressed and all that kind of rubbish.

And we walked to a nearby cafe called Tinker.

Ian rode his bike, which was quite stop start, but I had Willie and I was trying to get him to sleep.

He was being a bit tetchy, but I got him down eventually.

We get into the cafe.

Interruption.

David.

So this is one of his 19 bikes, and it's presumably it doesn't have pedals.

It's one of the ones where you sort of walk along like a French aristocrat.

Yes, a balance bike.

A balance bike.

Now, is he sufficiently skillful on it that he can raise his feet then?

Or is he always just walking on it?

Because I think that's what.

Oh, no, he goes quite fast to the point where quite recently he can go down sort of hills if there's a flat bit at the bottom.

But he recently took on a hill that didn't have a flat bit at the bottom and he careered into a gravelly pit and a sturdy wooden surface and was bleeding from many parts of his body.

And it was a slightly chilling moment for us when you get complacent and you realize they actually aren't in total control of their faculties.

He didn't have a helmet on at that time, so we felt a bit guilty about that.

Come on.

But he was okay because, you know, they're like the Terminator.

They heal overnight.

That's absolutely ridiculous.

It's the scooter era has brought in a funny phenomenon, which is you walking along the street and someone who cannot be more than eight months old shoots past you at about 30 kilometers

an hour on a tiny, tiny scooter.

And also, like, you just hope when you said stop at the road, like, actually, he bought me for my birthday with the help of Jamie a scooter, which I first looked at and went, I'm 46.

I don't need this.

But actually, A, it's quite fun because he likes it if I'm scooting, he's drying, but also it means I can keep up with him when he's about to career onto the A1.

So here's where breakfast gets a bit tricky.

Jamie orders the chili eggs, but she only wants half of it and toast on the side.

So after my healthy breakfast, I then eat a basically full breakfast.

Here's where that gets worse.

Ian has ordered toast and peanut butter, but doesn't want toast or peanut butter.

So then I think, well, I'm paying for this.

I might as well have it.

So I have my third breakfast, which is toast and peanut butter.

This is the problem.

This is exactly my problem with this health kick that I've been on for the last 20 years is I pat myself so hard on the back for having done something healthy.

I eat six times the healthy amount of it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So now Ian and I have to go to Chemist Warehouse because we think he might have thread worms in his bottom.

With apologies to Ian for when you listen to this in 15 years time.

Now, thread worm, is that you have to look at the plop because you can see the lads traveling around on it.

Well, the thing is, we haven't seen any worms, but they're nocturnal.

So they come out.

in the evening and for the last few evenings he's been getting very itchy and uncomfortable in the evening around his bottom.

But here's the other thing: if he's got thread worm, we've probably all got it.

So

when I buy the medicine for him, I have to buy the medicine for Jamie and myself as well.

This is lifestyles of the region famous.

But what's interesting is what you'd buy is a little square of chocolate.

Now, this could be, they could have us absolute a barrel here because it's like $30

for like eight little squares of chocolate, which which tastes just like chocolate.

And maybe Threadworm just goes away, and I've just bought a really, really expensive dairy milk.

But we each eat a square in the street.

So we each eat a square in the street.

His bottom seems to be less itchy, and mine is as itchy as it always has, is or was, just not particularly itchy.

So it's all good.

I haven't inquired about Jamie's anus, but she doesn't appear to have an itchy anus either.

This is the celebrity news that people want.

Max and Jamie take them into you into their three-bedroom house where they will be taking worming tablets for their itchy ring pieces.

Her lips are the horse like this.

D-worming chocolate everywhere.

I catch up with Jamie, who's at a really nice bakery called Holy Sugar, and she's bought a tiramisu.

Seems early.

It was £16, £8

for this tiramisu.

Okay.

We walk home, ride home.

There are some steep hills.

Ian gets off his bike, pretty sensible.

This is quite good.

Now, Ian has a play date with his best friend at Tractor Park.

Okay.

Great.

I have one bike.

I get him on the back of the bike.

And we cycle down to Tractor Park where we are playing with some diggers in the sandpit.

We're getting on the swing.

There's a nice man called Peter.

Interruption.

Tractor Park.

Initially, it sounded like a retail place where farmers buy new agricultural equipment.

We bought a Ferguson for £78,000, and now all I need is a farm.

So it's a tractor-themed.

No, it's just a massive sandpit where people have left some old diggers.

And when we first went there, there was a big green tractor that Ian liked.

There are actually no tractors there now.

You've given it the name Tractor Park.

I've given it the name Tractor Park.

Yeah, other people call it what it's actually called.

I don't know what it's called.

So we're on the swing, and then Ian's best friend's mum texts to say his best friend does not want to come to the park.

Do we want to go to their house?

And I'm a bit like, oh, I don't really want to go to the house.

The park is nice.

You know, it's a sort of freer area, you know, when you're in someone else's house.

But anyway, I say to Ian, are you happy on the swing?

He's like, yep.

So we swing for 20 minutes.

Then he says, I want to go to my friend's house.

We go to his friend's house.

They're three and four years old.

They have a slightly weird relationship where they're desperate to see each other.

And then when they get there, they just do their own thing for an hour, quite near each other.

And I make small talk with someone I don't know.

But, you know, his mum's lovely so we have a nice chat and we just look at our children thinking are they friends or are they not friends do they like each other what sort of area of friendship is this for about five minutes they do start sort of building these sort of lego flowers which is quite nice Then they start playing basketball.

Then Ian, for some reason, never says goodbye to anyone.

It doesn't like goodbyes.

He said, do you want to say goodbye?

Sort of, you know, say goodbye to the shopkeeper, say goodbye to the cabinet.

He just says, I want you to do it.

And so I do it.

His best friend's not happy that he didn't say goodbye.

We don't leave on great terms.

But a minute later, I said, Do you have a good time?

He went, Yes, I loved it.

So you're like, Okay.

My grandfather, who passed away in 2006,

the age of 91, I think, dad said it was because he predated the telephone.

He never said goodbye on the telephone.

So you'd ring up and he'd be like, Hey, granddad, this is David.

Shall I call over in half an hour?

He'd say, Yes, that'd be lovely.

Beep, beep, beep.

Like it was just purely information transfer.

I have with my mum, sometimes you're on the phone, you say, Oh, I've got to go, and she thinks that translates as like mission impossible.

This phone is going to self-destruct in five seconds.

Like, I've got to go.

She goes, Okay, okay, go, go,

and then she's gone.

It could have been more casual than that, but it's okay.

We get home.

Um, my question is: this: while you're hanging out with Ian's mate's mom, do you eat more food?

I'm just imagining there's more people who are like, I can't finish this spaghetti ballades.

No, I just have a cup of tea.

I just have a cup of tea.

I come back home.

I can't remember what Ian has for lunch.

Jamie paints some leaves with him.

I take Willie for a napwalk.

I just have a bit more peanut butter on toast.

Just one square.

The mood in the house is tense.

Jamie said, this is today, by the way, so I shouldn't really give you this information.

She said, oh, is it your day today?

I went, is it your yesterday?

She said, well, we had an argument in your last pod.

What will the public think?

Is what she said.

The mood is tense.

Sophie, who is Ian's babysitter, arrives because I am going to play football.

It is the first game of the season.

Oh, wow.

Now I understand.

You needed all those carbs.

Yeah, it's tense because, as Jamie says, you went to play football.

I had the worst four hours of my life because I'm just leaving.

You know, there's a babysitter, but I'm just leaving her to do more parenting.

And I'm going off to play football.

And this has been a long-term negotiation.

And I feel it's justified because I do a lot of parenting.

And this is the one thing that I want to do.

That's the one thing I want to do.

I don't go out at night because I'm always doing these fucking podcasts.

And

I understand Jamie's predicament, which is she has to breastfeed every, you know, a couple of hours.

So she can't have like a four-hour escape.

I totally understand that.

And so I just try and send her swimming as often as I possibly can.

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But then I'm on my bike.

I'm free.

I'm obviously, I do feel like, ah, this would be great if she could go mountain climbing or something, you know, like do a painting class, something you'd like to do to even this up.

But I am also on my bike on my way to the opening game of the Football Victoria Metro Northwest Division 5 season.

Melbourne University Bohemian's home to Epping.

I've got my new Puma Kings in my bike.

Puma Kings, the tongues are flapping in the breeze.

The tongues are flapping in the breeze like elephants' ears, and I feel like I am 12 again.

Let me ask you a question question that refers back to the whole day up until now.

Yeah.

Secretly, like when you were talking to Ian's friend's mom, were you doing that stretch that doesn't do anything where you have your knees kind of parallel and you're just slightly thrusting?

I think it might be some sort of groin stretch, but it's like, if I think I'm playing football later, I'll be like, yeah, I'll just do this.

No, but when I woke up in Ian's bed and I was a bit contorted, I was like, oh, this isn't good.

This is not, this is, I've I've got to, I've got to, you know, I need to hang for a bit.

I thought you're going to be asked, how long have you been, you know, have you been thinking about this all day?

I've been thinking about this for months, Dave.

Yes.

I've been thinking of this.

This has been on my mind.

Like, it's tragic.

But also, you know, I've moved countries.

I don't know a lot of people here.

And

sport has actually an amazing ability of sort of like speeding up the bonding process with people.

I don't know if you're laughing.

I'm just trying to make a serious point, for goodness sake.

It really does.

Like, I don't have lots of friends.

I've got like one or two really close friends here.

Otherwise, I'm just like poodling away.

And I absolutely love this.

Like,

you know, for my physical, mental well-being, etc.

Am I just trying to justify it?

I'm trying to justify it to my wife when she listens to this.

Yeah.

I know what's going on here.

This is, this is.

She's heard these before.

She's heard all of this before.

Yeah.

When Trump's cabinet does it, one of them does an interview on Fox.

You're like, this is just for Trump who may or may not be listening to this.

You also get to see a bunch of fresh dongs as well.

Well, do I?

Because I was already in my pants, shorts, socks, not quite my shin pads, because I'm just excited.

And will I leave on time?

I wasn't sure.

I thought I'd get ready.

I get on my bike to Prince's Park, get to dressing room D, get myself an XL shirt.

That's key.

We've had some new XLs in for the season.

That's good because last three years there's only been about four.

And if you don't get one, you're a bit squeezed in there, even with a large.

And an XXL is literally like running around in a tent.

So

what's the average age on the team?

So is it Melbourne old boys?

Is that what they're called?

Yes, Melbourne University Bohemians.

Average age is interesting.

I'd say probably around mid-40s.

Okay.

There was a 62-year-old on the bench defender,

Chris, who's really good.

A 50-year-old play centre-back weekend, we got the keeper.

I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm certainly over 50, would be my guest.

Can you draft in a 22-year-old ringer, though?

No.

But we are playing all-age.

We're playing against kids.

This is the thing.

We've run the league two years in a row, but we're coming up against 25-year-olds.

And when they bump into you, it feels like your whole body is broken.

But we're quite good.

We've all played the game.

We sort of know where to stand.

So the key, we've got a new goalkeeper.

This is good.

I recruited him by, I was hosting the project.

once once a few months ago it's like the one show as we've established and one of the other panelists was like oh i just need to promote my new thing i don't know what it was you know and i was like well look if we're doing requests or whatever i need a new keeper for my team just drop me a line and some guy called mark sent me a message on instagram going i'm a keeper can i join so he's in and he's good so that's a great way of recruiting i don't know if that's abusing my power i've never seen anyone on the one show do that does roman kemp do that but would you not ask uh denmark's third greatest goalkeeper oh oh oh i mean i've asked thomas sorenson a number of times played over a hundred times for denmark he's played at the world cup do you want to come to a park Most of our pitches, there's a synthetic cricket pitch going across the side where in this game, there was no referee.

So one of our injured players did it in jeans.

Would you like to come and play at this level?

Welcome to the theater of dreams.

I'm in charge of the warm-up.

So

I get the boys, I do some stretches.

We do a bit of ball work.

Yeah.

Rondos.

We were doing some rondos.

Oh, yeah.

We're doing some kickball.

That's all right.

The gaffer does some words.

I say some inspirational stuff.

I get quite serious here, Davis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

And I say, you know, it's a privilege to still be playing at this level.

So many players have gone by the wayside through injury, and we are still out there on the pitch.

Wow.

And then all I say is

you should be thinking the whole time, are you in the right place?

Because so many footballers are quite good at the game, but they're not in the right place there.

Wow.

This is such a wind.

Wow.

I love this.

I can imagine.

Here's what I imagine with you.

The sort of car screeching sound.

Because like you keep it for the warm-up bit of fun.

Yeah, yeah.

If that's as high as your leg can go, we're in trouble.

And then there's the moments where you just become deathly serious.

Do you know what?

I don't know what I was having a chat about this.

I can't remember.

I said something like, you know, keep this going for a minute.

And then someone says, you should know I can't keep going for anything for a minute.

So I'm, you know, a bad set.

And I was like, guys, we can't have this.

I can't have this, you know, not good enough.

Get these out of the way before the season starts.

We can't have chat of this level in this team.

Now, I'm on the bench, David.

How do we feel about this?

Do you feel you don't, because of your bone spurs, or that's maybe that was Trump's?

I've got arthritis in one hip.

I haven't played any preseason because I promised I wouldn't play for three months.

So it's completely justified, completely justified.

So we've all had a big chat.

We're all going.

You know, they're young.

They look young.

They've got a couple of oldies.

They don't look, they look bigger than than us and younger than us and faster than us and quite a lot of them look like footballers but we're good we know we're good and we're really up for this we're really up for this and we're one nil down with an own goal after one minute

when are you planning so in your dream for this it's tight it's nil old is 20 minutes to go and you spring yourself off the bench then oh well i'm not the gaffer i'm not the gaffer i'm happy with 45 minutes i'm on the bench doing the the minute by minute on the WhatsApp.

That's nice.

I'm glad to be out.

I'm eating a lot of jelly snakes.

I'm enjoying that too.

10 minutes in, Quentin, our Belgian centre forward, equalizes 1-1.

A bit of a defensive mix-up.

It's exciting.

25 minutes.

I'm called to come on for Henry, the anaesthetist, who hasn't done any preseason and he looks absolutely exhausted.

How long's the...

It's not 90 minutes, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It says 11 aside 90 minutes.

Proper football.

This is proper football.

Do you think it goes 70, 35 each way?

No, no, no.

This is, you know, the beautiful game.

What makes the game beautiful?

It's the same for us as it is for the Superstar.

It's not the same.

It is the same.

It is.

Anyway, I've come on in attacking midfield.

I'm in the 10, David.

I'm normally holding my field.

It's exciting.

Yeah.

I win some headers.

We go 2-1-up.

Quentin again.

You'll notice there's a theme here.

There's a high ball to me.

I rise to check it on the chest.

An angry Frenchman...

Absolutely smashes into me from behind and I fall on my front and I'm not hurt at at all but I pretend to be hurt and then I get up and I point and I point in his face going that is dangerous you knew what you were fucking doing like I get this is so much fun I'm really enjoying it anyway I'm doing lots of pointing to a point where the ref my friend in jeans gives me a warning the French guy's got booked I'm on a warning right I understand

I'm at the back post for this free kick our left back puts a bit too much on it and it sails into the top corner over their keeper 3-1 it's exciting

direct from the corner what that's kind of the The free kick.

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't a corner.

It was a free kick.

Sorry.

Okay.

Great.

It's okay.

Five minutes later,

long throw.

I push their defender out of the way.

The ball bounces and I smash it and it hits just sort of angle of bar and flies out.

And I put my head on my hands.

And they're furious that a free kick hasn't been given by our player who's in jeans.

But I wasn't really a big foul.

Halftime, I eat some snakes.

Second half, I moved a bit deeper.

We go 4-1-up.

Quentin scores again.

You see the theme.

Quentin, the Belgian.

Do you think he had a history in the Belgian?

Did he play for Ander Lecter Feynman?

No, but A, he's about 35, and B, he did play professional football in Belgium.

And he is

his girlfriend's uncle is one of our centre-forwards.

So it's useful.

But he's a nice guy.

He's really good at football.

I try an overhead kick.

I connect, but it doesn't go in.

Yeah, I know.

The ball just sat up.

To listeners who may not know what this is, it's the...

Everyone knows that.

Pele.

So you you see...

Pele escape to victory.

Yeah.

It coming towards you.

You should definitely just head it, but something in your brain goes, no, I'm going to try technically the most difficult shot where you kind of fire yourself backwards onto your shoulders with your arse facing at the goal.

And then you try and hit it.

And it works one in every ten.

I made contact with the ball, which is all you want.

It was a bit out to the side, so there was no chance to head it.

I had to do this if I wanted to connect, but it was a bit ambitious.

Anyway, Quentin gets injured.

Big problem.

No.

Then it's 4-2.

Oh.

Then it's 4-3.

We're getting ragged.

There's a 20-year-old midfielder I'm up against.

He keeps, he's so good.

Like, every time he twists and turns, I can feel like hip joints crunching against each other, knowing that later rigor mortis will set in, but I'm still focused.

Can you not put a reducer in on him?

No, I'm not that type of player.

I'm also can't get anywhere near him, whether I'm trying to foul him or not.

I'm yelling shape and fucking shape a lot i'm really swearing at everything and everyone anyway then out of nowhere henry the nesotist who's back on come on like the ball is flies into the sky about 100 yards and he's 25 yards out and it's the first time he's connected with the ball of any meaning in the whole game and he volleys it into the top corner and we go absolutely wild five

three how long's left 10 minutes to go full time we've won so good i get off the pitch i pick up my phone and jamie says, could you do next nap?

It's in five minutes.

And because the game kicked off late, I'm going to be later than I said I would be.

So I say goodbye to everyone.

I don't have time to take the goal nets down or do any of that stuff.

Oh, that's all.

What a proof.

No, I can't help it.

You know, they understand.

Hey, do you patch it up with Frenchie?

Do you just a shake of the hands or whatever?

Well, no, the sentiment I'm up against, we have a hug at the end.

We've had a really good time.

We both have really enjoyed each other.

The 20-year-old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He might be 25, but you know, we've had a really good time.

At one point, he said, when did you start playing?

And I was like, like, probably before you were born.

Oh, what a lie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I said, and he did laugh.

Anyway, we have a hug.

The Frenchman says, as we're walking off, I shake his hand.

He says, you tell that guy never to referee again.

He's still angry.

He's got like a roll neck underneath his shirt.

It looks quite professional.

It's good.

He said.

I cycle home quickly.

Jamie, Ian, Sophie, and Willie are there.

It's time for Sophie to go.

I'm handed Willie out of the bath, get myself a beer because I really want one because I feel like I've earned it, you know.

but i i don't want to really drink it in front of jamie because it's you know it looks like you know i'm on the clock now i shouldn't be doing this i then try and parent very hard like i'm i'm really over trying to parent my body meanwhile is seizing up with every step but i can't show it i can't show the agony that i'm in shape willie fucking shape you keep saying

they don't fucking want it you know what i'm like yeah anyway um i i play with ian we do some some number games some get some scrabble letters we put them in his cement mixer and then we roll them out are you still in shorts from the match now do you still have a little bit of grasp burns on your knees and stuff so jamie takes willie to bed and while ian is watching blippy our friend blippy i duck in have a two-minute shower i think it's the right thing to do yeah hopefully the worst case would be ian then runs into the bedroom where jamie is trying to get willie to sleep um but it's okay i come out i then this is staggering i do Ian's bedtime.

I haven't done, because he doesn't want me to do bedtime because he loves his mum so much.

I haven't been able to do that for, and I work most evenings.

I haven't been able to do that for months.

This is a really exciting time.

It's lovely, but also great.

It's like Jamie gets like a bit of time off.

And so I read Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?

And I read Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?

And then I get into bed with Ian and I lie with him until he falls asleep.

And he falls asleep.

This is a win.

Also, because you have a captive audience and this is the only thing in your mind, you change Brown Bear Brown Bear into Melbourne or Sydney Bohemians versus the French man's team.

And then I'm saying to Ian, me and Martin actually work quite well in a two, but he was pushing up a he was pushing up a little bit.

Yale's touch is great and he offers so much going forward, but we obviously miss, we lose a bit defensively.

Jamie's bought me a chicken schnitzel sandwich from a cafe, which looks great.

And what I do is I take it apart so I can cook each bit separately.

And then she's put the chicken in the oven and the cheese is all melted.

This is great.

We then have a long discussion about the rights and wrongs of me playing football every Sunday.

But as we are so deeply in love, we do it on a bed of petals and we begin each sentence with, I don't care as long as we're together.

That's the vibe I would like to.

Max,

I'm the listeners here.

Yeah.

Can we find something

that Jamie could do that

she would enjoy, would give her time away, but also you could use as emotional leverage then going forward?

Would you be like,

but you always do your pottery class?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to do that.

She had two swims this week.

So, you know, it's not quite the same.

Not four hours.

It's not four.

It's not four hours.

But that's like, I'm trying to get her four hours.

I'm trying to get as many hours as I can.

I think

it's funny.

Am I talking to her or the listeners?

I know, or me.

Like, I realize I could just nick off now and you would.

I think it's justified because I don't know anything else and I don't know anybody else here.

But you're right.

I am trying to kick her out of the house as often as I can and say, I'll take all the kids.

And that's fine.

You know, and I don't work any most days, I'm not doing anything.

So I'm always with the kids as well.

So I'm not like an absent father guy.

I don't come in steaming drunk every night.

Just have a shot of it.

No one thinks you're an absent father.

It's just, it's the decadence of the four hours.

Yeah.

Look, Max, the most important thing is that we are together.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Anyway.

Jamie, I love you deeply.

I look forward to the debrief.

Anyway, my day is not finished because I'm on the warm-up on Talk Sport.

It's a Sunday.

And because of fixtures, my show, which is normally 11 p.m.

to 1.30 p.m., as in 8 till half 10 at night, has been moved to midday till 3, 9 till midnight.

Okay.

I've been up since 5.45.

Yeah.

So we test the line.

It all works.

We do the show.

A lot of the show, I do the show with Barry Glenn Denning, who

I've been working with for many years and get on famous with him.

And lots of people ask when I started this with you, is why do I only work with middle-aged Irishmen?

I don't know.

The deeper level to that for the listeners is that Barry did a bit of stand-up comedy in Ireland in the late 90s.

And in my first ever gig, Barry was the act before me.

He was the compere, I think.

He says he was the compere.

No.

He was the act before you.

I think John Henderson was the compere.

Anyway, 27 years later, we both find ourselves as your sidekicks.

A lot of of the show is Barry complaining that he's tired because he's been looking after a friend's dog for a week.

We get a lot of good stories about when did you have to look after your friend or family's pet?

And they basically all died.

Except someone has been left their mother-in-law's dog.

And their dying words were, look after this dog.

And they say the dog is the most horrible dog in the world and everybody hates it, but he's stuck with it.

We spend quite a lot of the show questioning Piers Brosner's Irish accent because there are constant adverts for that show where he can't do an Irish accent despite being Irish.

At 11.30 p.m.

I go into the kitchen and I eat my half of the tiramisu.

The show ends at midnight.

I stand up.

I'm in absolute agony because I've been sitting down basically for three hours.

I get into the day bed and that is where I would say the day has ended.

Do you do anything to the hips?

Is there anything we can put on them

to stop them screaming?

There's nothing you can put on them.

And obviously you don't care about today, so I can't tell you how they feel today.

But for the next 10 weeks while I'm playing football, this is what would happen.

I feel like I've made myself sound guiltier about playing football than I should.

Yeah.

No, the bit where I felt you possibly went too far was when you

left straight after the end and it was like just didn't go for a beer like the four hours.

Yeah, exactly.

I didn't go out on a three-day bender afterwards.

I mean, what a guy.

Can we finish with an email from Catherine?

Yeah, I thought deserved to be at the end.

It was regarding, we finished one pod with Siga Ross at the end.

Maybe it was the last one.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Hello, Max, David in Marsba.

I've listened to both iterations of your podcast from the beginning and found the gentle thrum of your voices paired with the mundanity of the semi-celebrity every day a crucial touchstone in my weekly life family illness and my own wobbly mental health have been a real struggle these past few months and i turn to the unchallenging soundtrack of what did you do yesterday for my weekly commutes hull to durham and scarborough just this morning on my drive to durham i was enjoying disassociating to what did you do yesterday number 16 when it culminated in a throwback not only to the cliched grandeur of using cigaros hoppy poya i think it's what it's called for sweeping nature documentary scenes but to max once again declaring that everything everything is showbiz in an increasingly faux inspirational riff, bringing us all together as one human race.

Faux, it wasn't faux, it was genuine.

Possibly the best end to any podcast episode ever.

To my horror, I found that in amongst my sheer delight at the exquisitely crafted stupidity of this moment, I was actually openly weeping in an act of mirth-filled catharsis that my brain and my body obviously very much needed.

We're better than the A1M to find out A, what was going to make me openly sob today, and B, your gentle, supposedly easy listening podcast concept has accidentally transcended into full-on therapy.

Congratulations and bravo.

Yours, Catherine, 35 P.S.

I'm with the masses, TNJNC.

Thank you, Catherine.

Fair enough, Catherine.

Thank you very much.

That is very nice to hear.

I mean,

I don't really think about what we're trying to do here, Max.

I just come down to my basement.

Your face appears.

I get sent subliminal messages that you're actually trying to send to your wife for an hour.

And I'm very happy to play that role.

Everything remains show biz.

For life.

Thank you, David.

And Gooby did a quick one.

Just an hour and seven.

That's what we're looking for for these midweekers.

Just get in, get out.

Just do them sharp.

Just enough to get enough adverts in.

Let's not take too much time.

It's business, after all.

Do you know what business it is?

It's show business.

That's what it is.

Thank you, David.

Thanks, Max.

Thanks, listeners.

Bye.

Hello, Max Rushton.

Here, you might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum to two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.